Fairy Tale Fix - 71: Murderous Meet Cute

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Damsels are slightly distressed in this episode, but they freaking HANDLE it. First Abbie tells the Punjabi tale of Bopoluchi, a fierce and proud young woman with nerves of steel and a license to kill (that she gave herself). Next, Kelsey recounts the German story of the Maiden With No Hands, whose superpower is a good head on her shoulders and great boundaries.

Abby's gonna go first today. I'm gonna go first today. We're switching it up because we can do whatever we want. Yeah. This is our show. You can fuck off if this is i like it i like fairy tale fixers i think fairy tale fixers sounds cute that sounds great we don't have like a fandom name we don't i'm gonna try out a couple of new ones over the next few episodes and we'll see

what everybody thinks we'll have a vote i know someone has called us uh fairy tale fixtresses that is where i got the idea i think it's fern i think fern has called us that before incredible but anyway continuing our intro i'm abby i'm kelsey and this is fairy tale fix in case you didn't know already in case you clicked the wrong button on something and you wound up here. But stay and listen. We have some things to tell you. We do. They're very important.

We have a couple more what the fuck fairy tales queued up, locked and loaded, ready to go to tell you about and then fix. queued up, locked and loaded, ready to go to tell you about and then fix. After we talk for maybe, I don't know, like usually around 10 to 15 minutes, just about life. 15 to 20. It depends on how long we've been talking before we hit record. Yeah, basically. All the updates. How are you? I don't really have a lot of updates on this one. Outside of I had an I had ADHD morning part two. Oh, I love that. What'd you do? It was delightful.

Because it's a great example of how sometimes instead of hyper fixation, I do the opposite of that. And I can focus on absolutely nothing at all. Like I'd started five things. Again, it was in my kitchen. My kitchen always discombobulates me somehow. Kitchens are the worst because they're all like almost always dirty because you have to eat every day multiple times, which is so annoying. It's so annoying because the kitchen keeps getting dirty. So like I was hungry. So I took out the food that I needed to reheat out of the fridge and I took out a snack for me to eat while I waited for the things to reheat and then I realized I promised even I promised I'd make him rice and then I was gonna make myself tea and I started

like five things before like like I was making the rice and then I turned and then like I smelled burning and so I turned around and I had put I had put a little oil in a pan and was heating the pan on the stove forgot that I'd done that no and and made and started making rice for Stephen and anyway it was a whole thing I like I went I was I whipped around and was like, oh, no. Yeah, that's too many things going on in the kitchen at once, for sure. I know. It definitely is. And I forgot about half of them when I started doing the other half.

At least there's those little sentences that let you know when something's wrong, like the smell of burning. The sensation of cutting yourself by accident or yeah i didn't do that that's good i don't know why i said that it's just one of the examples but pain is another thing pain smelling burning uh your alarm smoke alarm going off i feel like that happens to me more than i prefer i feel like it always happens when more than I prefer. I feel like it always happens when I'm not expecting it, when I don't smell smoke, and when I smell smoke in my kitchen very heavily and I'm all paranoid about it going off, it doesn't. Uh-huh. That's concerning. It's very concerning. And our smoke alarm is up very high in my house. I'm very scared of heights, so I'm very aware of, especially if Adam's not there to take care of it.

Cause to turn it off. I'm just so scared of heights. I don't, I don't know if I could do it. I mean, I would even turn it off. We have to go out to the garage and get this giant ladder and bring it in and like climb up there.

All while it's loud as fuck. I swear. I've lost 10 years worth of hearing from my smoke alarm. It's usually when we're cooking bacon in the oven. It's like, it'll pop and then that grease hits the top of that hot part. Uh-huh. And your smoke alarm is like, ah! The house is burning down!

It's too hot to open any windows anyway how are you i'm good uh i've been thinking about aliens a lot oh i mean sure i mean you know full disclosure uh gang we're who knows by the time this episode actually comes out uh ufs may have landed and begun their invasion of Earth. Full-scale invasion. But we're recording this in July. Definitely full-scale invasion by September is my guess. I'm still holding out hope. We're just going to give our predictions now.

I'm just holding out hope that it's more of like a Star Trek situation. You know? What's that? There's like a galactic federation out there and they're evaluating our fitness to join the galactic community. See, that sounds the most realistic. Oh,

I'm glad you thought that's realistic. I'm, I'm told that I'm a pie in the sky optimist when it comes to potential, you know, extraterrestrial landing parties. Just been thinking about, so I mentioned this on a Patreon episode like a million years ago,

but some random old man was trying to talk to me in a bar when I had my earphones in. Oh, yeah. But sometimes the best advice I can give you is sometimes just let them talk because they, he told me that aliens were real. He told me he knew when COVID happened and that aliens caused it because they were already on earth and have been forever. They're gray and they live underground.

And he learned this while he was in Vietnam or some shit. I can't remember. He was, I don't know if he was that old, but some. One of those wars. He was a vet and he had a lot of opinions about aliens and telling me all about them. And it was the best conversation with a random stranger I've ever had in my whole life. I, I was so excited. I was like asking him not to sound like I wasn't being like I was being, I was trying not to sound insincere.

Cause I'm like, I really, I never want you to stop talking about well and you don't want to sound disrespectful when this guy is telling you some some what is to him some pretty crucial information that you need to know and I love that he decided to tell me he also told me about the love of his life that he ended up not being able to marry because of bad PTSD. That was such a like wild day. What a wild interaction. But I keep thinking about that now because all the alien stuff that's come out and I'm like, I think he knows something. Maybe that old man wasn't bananas.

Was he Navy? Because that's where all of like the whistleblowers about this alien thing are coming from. I don't know. I really haven't been paying attention that closely to it. I've just been very much enjoying all the like funny shit people come up with, like how nobody actually cares or believes anything. Oh yeah. I loved,

I loved Jordan, the stallions video on like, just kind of like literally nobody is being paid enough to care. We've got, we've all got bigger problems in this economy like aliens takes fourth on my list of like pending concerns you guys still have to go to work and it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter like life has not significantly changed enough for me to care about it if I still have to go to fucking work. So good. What a time to be alive. And also, I wanted to ask you what you felt about Twitter turning into X. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This episode is going to be so dated by the time it comes out at the end of September. So we're recording this at the end of July where we're

finding out about both space aliens and the more disturbing news that elon musk is changing twitter to just x they're getting rid of the bird logo like i don't understand it makes no sense like changing changing your brand when it's so well established, when people see that little birdie icon and they know that it's Twitter. I was geeking out because we're both in marketing and I was totally geeking out and reading about what marketing experts think about this. And it's so funny because they're like, Twitter, tweeting has literally been put into the dictionary that's how well it's been branded that's how good it is why are you changing it now

you're changing it into something that's not oh my god I'm any I by the way we're on threads now as fairytalefix so go follow us on threads that's at fairytalefixpod So go follow us on threads. That's at fairytalefixpod.

If people are even still using threads by the end of September, I saw that like there was a huge downturn in the amount of people actually using it like about a week after it launched. I installed it recently after I read the thing about X and I was like,

I'm just gonna, I did, I uninstalled Twitter again. I didn't delete my account. Even though it doesn't matter. Like I'd never tweet anything, but, um,

or X anything. Ah, it just doesn't work. So, um, so upset, but I did install threads and it's just as confusing to me as twitter it's just word vomit who cares so here's the thing about threads um and i'm probably going to

dissuade a bunch of people if they haven't joined threads already from joining um threads is like if facebook and twitter um had a baby but like it wasn't a good baby it was a fanny it was a real it was a real fanny of a baby um like it's yeah um it's like it's basically like instead of having a curated feed of people you follow and and then the occasion and like and then the occasional like suggestion by the algorithm of what the algorithm thinks you might like yeah you it's just a dump of like everything okay um it's not as far as i can tell it doesn't feel very curated it doesn't feel like the algorithm really understands what i want to see yet and i see a lot of the same people all the time and it tends to be like big accounts that i see like i'm not seeing a lot of like the smaller um yeah that's because they want businesses to do well on it so businesses pay to get seen on it yeah exactly

which so I don't know time will tell on threads um but I'm not currently I don't know I thought it was really fun for the first day or two because everybody was just dunking on twitter all day and I really enjoyed that. That's what I wanted. And I was actually looking up – I tried looking up hashtags on threads or whatever and it didn't work. Yep. And then I gave up immediately after that and I was like, well, I don't care. I don't care what companies are telling me.

I don't care. I will say whoever is doing the threads for bookshop.org is really adorable. Killing it. Like the only account, the only account, the only account I like. So great job to the social media person over at bookshop.org. I also just stand that whole organization. Yep. I don't care about companies.

I'm so tired. I don't give a fuck. I don't. Yeah. Agreed. Or like major celebrities. Yeah. don't care about companies i'm so tired i'm like i don't give a fuck i don't yeah agreed or like major celebrities um well because it's also like it's so obvious like when they when they're paying someone to do their social media yeah like that's not uh my best my example of this and it was

actually i think it was the time i think i saw it and then i logged out of threads and i've been back on it like maybe once or twice since then. Yeah. It's like, I saw that like Ellen DeGeneres posted like, welcome, like welcome to gay Twitter friends. And it's like, fuck off,

Ellen. That's funny. Get, get, get, go on, get, get out of here.

Go on and get. Go on and get. Yeah. You are not a gay person i want to hear from like i don't know just all these celebrities just starting podcasts and it's like great the like already famous people just need more yes fame and attention. I don't know. It's big, Matt. I think I really am going to try getting us a Mastodon. I've been hearing fun things about Mastodon. What's Mastodon? It's a different, whoa, there is very loud thunder, breaking news in Weather Corner. A storm crept up on me and I was not aware of it and thunder just crashed outside my window.

That's crazy. Spooky. Spooky. If only we were doing a Halloween episode. Soon. Soon. Very soon. Anyway, I'm not going to take up more air time talking about what Mastodon is. Okay. I'll look into it later. I get like really excited about new social media stuff and then I immediately drop off. I got all excited about Be Real because one of my younger Gen X or Gen Z. Gen X. Gen Z. Gen Z.

I don't know. Gen X is like the one generation down from the boomers. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So Gen Z is coming up behind us. And then coming up behind Gen Z is Gen Alpha. I can't keep Gen Alpha.

That's cool. Well, the alphabet has to start over again. I can't keep it straight. But she's really young. My coworker is just super cute. She was telling me about Be Real. And then I made you and literally everyone I know sign up. Because I was like, that's fun.

It takes a picture on the front and the back. And it gives you a random time of day to do it. And I was like, I love that. And it's not really something that companies can get in on. Yeah. It's kind of difficult to have a brand. And I loved that. And then I immediately was like, I did it for maybe like a month. And then I was like, okay, maybe not even a month, maybe like two weeks. And then I was like, no. Did you uninstall it? I did not install it, but I stopped posting on it.

I mean, because here's the problem is that like most of the time I'm not doing anything interesting. I was like, it's 99% of them are going to be me at my office working again, working again, making another flyer. It actually was depressing me because when you go back and you look at – because I did it for about a month. I did it for – I posted pretty much every day for a month. Then I went back through all of my memories and it's like, I'm in the car. I'm at work. Still at work.

Still at work. Still working still working i was like wow i spend a lot of fucking time at work i feel like one of my captions was that like because i was just so tired of like me in my office um so yeah yeah but it is still kind of fun because i do enjoy just casually seeing my friends faces well see that's what i like about instagram and i like and miss old instagram i'm i genuinely miss people just taking a snapshot of their stupid coffee and being like look it's pretty i'm still alive Just finding like pretty things that they like took a picture of throughout the day and not being curated.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It can be blurry. I really miss that. And I try to do that on my personal Instagram where it's like, here's just something I liked or that I thought of, or here's my stupid coffee. I mean, I don't think I usually do coffee it's probably usually alcohol but or cheese boards but like I don't know I miss I miss that era

of social media where I like real updates and not like I don't know I I agree I totally agree with you. Because like, I remember, I remember that feeling of like, my entire Instagram feed was pretty much just my friends and a couple of like celebrity accounts that I liked. Just posting pictures of like stuff you saw that you thought was nice or selfies of yourself because you're cute and I like seeing your face and yeah. And now it's like, I feel like it's all for a reason. It's to sell something or I don't know. It just feels. Yeah. Or to prove like that.

You're a very serious person. Yeah. It's less authentic. It's less fun. And I don't think it'll probably ever go back, but we can make it go back. Let's pledge right now to start using Instagram the old way.

Yeah, damn it. Damn it. Everybody who's listened to this podcast, if we don't follow you tag fairy tale fix so i could see your lattes just go back go back to slice of life posting only yeah but then again here i am and i do fairy tale fix and my other job like social media and it has to be more curated it's a huge fucking hypocrite that's true i i don't know i try whatever our content is great i try to make it fun i don't know social media.

I know. And aliens. And aliens. Okay. Okay. So today, I think after, just a little preface, after I finish my brewski, because I opened a Modelo, because I love Modelo. Delicious. I opened a Modelo because I love Modelo. I'm going to have to switch to a fucking whiskey

because reading through the stories in this book makes a woman want to drink a little bit. Is it a Russian fairy tale book? Dark. No. This is, I have never read from this book before. This is Tales

of India. Tales of India. Tales of India. Okay. It's from the same folktale series. It's put out by Chronicle Books. It's from the same one as the Monstrous Tales book that you bought me. Oh, nice. Yeah, that was really cool.

That was a good one. Yeah. Same publisher, same gorgeous illustrations. These are all folktales from Bengal, Punjab, and Tamil, same gorgeous illustrations. And these are all folk tales from Bengal, Punjab and Tamil. Hell yeah. Which are different regions in India. I think I thought about buying that book. Are you saying maybe I shouldn't? Don't do it because I've got it. And I mean, hey, you know, do you do you do what you do what you want. But like I was reading through a few of these and I was like, fucking yikes, India.

So the one you're telling me kind of yikes. I don't want to tell you whether or not I found it kind of yikes. I will tell you that I read three potential stories for today and I settled on this one. God, I can't wait. So this story is called Bopaluchi. Bopaluchi. Bopaluchi. Bhopaluchi. Bhopaluchi. And it's from the state of Punjab,

which is located in the very, very sort of northern tippy top of India. So it's bordered by Pakistan and Nepal. We haven't read a ton of Indian folk tales on the show.

We have not. We've read one. Is it just the one, the mermaid one? Oh, sorry, two. We've also read The Ronnie's Revenge. Ronnie's Revenge was a Patreon episode, and then the other one was Kingdom of Ocean. But that was a Ruth Minning Sanders rewrite too.

Yep. Nice. Okay. Well, I'm excited. Obviously, we need to do more Indian folktales. Maybe not from that book. I mean, we should. I want to read them someday.

I'm just not in the mood for it today. Yeah, I get that. I was in the mood for something totally different. And also, I misspoke. Punjab is only, it's bordered by Pakistan. It's not, Nepal is nowhere near it. Oh, yeah, geography corner. This is geography corner for this particular story.

But, yeah. Okay. So, and then it's from the section of the book called. You're going to give me a hint. I appreciate it because Bo Pellucci

isn't telling me any. He really gives you nothing, huh? He really gives me nothing. It's from the section of the book called Outwitting and Outwitted. Oh. Okay. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Well, then I have a couple of predictions for you. Okay. I'm just going to go for it. You can give me three. I think Bopaluchi is a name of a character. Okay. And not like a place or something. I feel like that's fine.

You have to accept that prediction. I'm probably wrong. Okay. feel like that's fine you have to accept that prediction i'm probably wrong okay uh based on your hint with the section it's in i'm gonna predict that there's like animals in it okay like it's an animal trickster kind of story and my third prediction there's a mean old man i don't know i love a mean old man i want a mean old man in the story a mean old man all right old man i've been seeing that uh meme everywhere that's like it's merlin and it's like oh like it's like who i was expecting to be and it's like a princess like a disney princess, it's like who I was expecting to be. And it's like a princess, like a Disney princess.

Then it's like who I actually turned out to be. And it's like Merlin. And he's like, I'm just a grouchy. See, I'm just a grouchy old man. Something like that. I love that. I love that line from him. I'm pretty sure listener Amanda posted that somewhere.

And I just love it so much. And I feel that so hard. I relate to Merlin. I am also a grouchy old man. 100%. Merlin is a highly relatable character. That's what I want. In a vastly underrated film. I want a mean, grouchy old man in the story.

Okay. All right. I love it. Three great predictions. First, before I start the story, I want to give a shout out to the woman who taught me how to pronounce this name. You get a point already. Bopaluchi is a character. Oh, okay.

And I have no idea how it was supposed to be pronounced. So I looked up YouTube videos and I found this, I think she's Indian, but I found this Indian storyteller who has a lot of videos of her telling stories on YouTube, mostly Punjabi stories. Her name is Kamini Ramachandran. And she tells the stories really well. I'm actually going to put a little bit of the flavor that she gave this story into into my retelling of it because she added some flavor that's not in the

text of it. Yeah, we'll add it to our show notes and Instagram links and whatever. Yeah. She doesn't have like the full video of her telling the story up on her YouTube channel, but she has like a chunk of it that I really enjoyed. And I also she performed this story for an event called Asia Pacific Folktales Distressed Damsels Not Wanted. Okay.

Yeah, so here we go. We'll make sure to put that out on Facebook and X. And X, I guess. We'll X it. Okay. Bopaluchi from Punjab. Once upon a time,

a number of young girls went to draw water at the village well and while they were filling their jars, fell a talking of their betrothals and weddings.

Said one, my uncle will soon be coming with bridal presents and he is to bring the finest clothes imaginable said a second and my uncle-in-law is coming i know bringing the most delicious sweetmeats you could think of said a third oh my uncle will be here in no time with the rarest jewels in the world fuck yeah all these uncles coming in clutch yeah absolutely with the best bridal gifts a girl could hope for i like that that's what they're talking about but not like how excited to be married look at all the stuff we're gonna get

but bopaluchi the prettiest girl of them of course, looked sad for she was an orphan and had no one to arrange a marriage for her. No mother, no father, no uncles. The single friend. The single friend. When everybody's getting married. The perpetually old maid single friend. Not by choice. Yeah, that fucking sucks.

Yeah. That's fair. And she's the prettiest, so what the hell? And she's the prettiest one. So she is fair. Things others don't. Nevertheless, she was too proud to remain silent. So she said gaily, and my uncle is coming also, bringing me fine dresses, fine food, and the finest jewels in all the world now i mean yeah

yeah we've all been there everybody's bragging so you're like oh yeah me too yeah me too i totally have all that stuff coming i'm not an orphan know all about that stuff uncles and whatnot now a wandering peddler who sold sweet scents and cosmetics of all sorts to the country women happened to be sitting near the well and heard what bopaluchi said being much struck by her beauty and spirit he determined to marry her himself and the very next day disguised as a well-to-do farmer he came to bopaluchi's house laden with trays upon trays full of fine dresses, fine food and fine jewels for he was not a real peddler,

but a wicked robber. Yes. Yeah. Old man robber. Or is he? You'll see. I kind of hope he's sexy. He's kind of neither.

Okay. He's kind of an unsexy schmuck. and not an old one no god damn it that's the worst so he's a robber and he's supes rich but not hot but not hot you're gonna be a robber or a liar, at least be hot anyway. At least be hot. Yeah, 100%. Okay, so the peddler guy approaches Bopaluchi. And Bopaluchi could hardly believe her eyes, for everything was just as she had foretold. And the robber said he was her father's brother, who had been away in the world for years and had now come back to arrange her marriage with one of his sons hearing this bobalucci of course believed it all and was ever so much pleased so she packed up the few things she possessed in a bundle and set off

with the robber in high spirits she's excited very excited little gullible. But as they went along the road, a crow sitting on a branch croaked, Bopaloochee, tis a pity. You have lost your wits, my pretty. Tis no uncle that relieves you, but a robber who deceives you. I mean, listen to that crow. The gasp. The gasp. Listen to that crow.

If the crow ever speaks and tells me anything. I'm doing whatever it says immediately. Yeah. If it says jump off a cliff, I would probably do it. Right? You're like, oh, I guess I better do that right now. Something worse is coming. Uh-huh.

Uncle, said Bopaluchi, that crow croaks funnily. What does it say? Poo, returned the robber. All the crows in this country croak like that. They all hate me. A little farther on, they met a peacock, which as soon as it caught sight of the pretty little maiden began to scream, Bopaluchi, tis a pity.

You have lost your wits, my pretty. Tis no uncle that relieves you, but a robber who deceives you. That's what that means. That's right. That's the, I did the crow noise. I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm great at bird impressions. Are you? Do you like birds, Kelsey? I love birds. Oh, my God. This is like a metaphor for all of these, all their, like, her friends being, like, red flag, red flag. Yes.

And she's just not hearing it. Not picking it up. Because you can't tell people anything. Yeah. That's for sure. You know, it's useless to try. They have to discover it themselves. They really do.

You know, speaking from experience, it's something you gotta learn on your own. All the peacocks slash your friends squawking at you all day long isn't gonna get through to you. Yep. In fact, it's only gonna make it worse. Anyway, so these birds should shut the fuck up uncle said the girl this peacock screams funnily what does it say poo returned the robber all peacocks scream like that in this country by and by a jackal slunk across the road the moment it saw a poor pretty boopaloochie it

began to howl boopaloochie tis a pity you have lost your wits my pretty tis no uncle that relieves you but a robber who deceives you oh i like the rhyme i do too and good uncle slunk yes slunk yeah i like whoever i like whoever wrote this like they had a good like whoever translated it i like whoever wrote it too yeah they probably rewrote it to rhyme i'm assuming in english good job translator uncle said the baden that jackal howls funnily. What does it say? Pooh, returned the robber. All jackals howl like that in this country. Pooh. Pooh.

So poor pretty Bopaluchi journeyed on until they reached the robber's house. Then he told her who he was and how he intended to marry her himself. The gasp. This is how he intended to marry her himself. Le gasp. This is how you know he's not hot. If he was hot, she'd be like, okay. But instead, she wept and cried bitterly, but the robber had no pity and left

her in charge of his old, oh ever so old mother while he went out to make arrangements for the marriage feast. Ooh, is the mom gonna come and clutch and be like, yeah, I don't like him either. And like tell her how to get out of it. You mean like in the story of the disobedient daughter who married a skull?

Yes. Yes, exactly. Which was an excellent story. We'll see, won't we? God damn it. I love it. I love it i love it i love it now bopaluchi had such beautiful hair that it reached right down to her ankles but the old mother hadn't a hair on her old bald head daughter said the old ever so old mother as she was putting the bridal dress on Bopaluchi. How did you ever manage to get such beautiful hair? Well, replied Bopaluchi,

my mother made it grow by pounding my head in the big mortar for husking rice. At every stroke of the pestle, my hair grew longer and longer. I assure you it is a plan that never fails. She's a psychotic. She's a psychotic. It's a psychotic monster. It's getting real yellow jackets real fast. That went in a direction I was not expecting at all. Yeah.

The old woman does come in clutch, just not for any reason. Not on purpose. Not on purpose. Not on purpose. Oh, no. I thought she was going to be like, if you give me your hair so I can wear it as a wig. Oh, my God. You would think that, wouldn't you? I actually like this so much better.

This is much more in keeping with what the fuck, fairy tales. Oh, yeah. Anyway, perhaps it would make my hair grow said the old woman eagerly perhaps it would quote cunning bopaluchi you should try it right now you should try it right now before your son comes back so the old ever so old mother put her head in the mortar and Bopaluchi pounded away with such a will that the old lady died. Jesus Christ. Damn Bopaluchi. Damn.

Then Bopaluchi dressed the dead body in the scarlet bridal dress, seated it on the low bridal chair, drew the veil well over the face and put the spinning wheel in front of it so that when the robber came home, he might think it was the bride. Holy fuck. I know. Oh my God. Then she put on the old mother's clothes

and seizing her own bundle, stepped out of the house as quickly as possible. She did not want to marry this couldn't she have just left like that woman was so old did she have to murder i don't think the old woman was going to actually be able to physically stop her like she's a she is like a strong like like healthy teenager. I don't think. Did you really have to murder that old woman? Wow. Bo Pellucci's a psycho. God.

She's a psycho. Trapped with an old woman and a sweaty pervert. You kidnapped the wrong woman. Yeah, you picked the wrong one sir oh my god it just sorry that just reminded me if there's a song that i like called uh it's the song is called psycho and the and the lyrics of the chorus go she's cute but she's psycho yes perfect it's so good i kind of want to see this movie, honestly. I feel like maybe there's more to the story that she really can't get out and she has to trick the mother or something. I don't know.

Maybe. I do kind of like that she just decides to murder her. Oh, my God. Because that's such a good point that I didn't flag on my first read-through of this story. Like, does she really have to do all that? God, you probably didn't have to do all that. The old woman couldn't have kept you here. Oh, boy. Anyway.

So on her way home, she met the robber who was returning with a stolen millstone to grind the corn for the wedding feast on his head. She was dreadfully frightened and slipped behind the hedge so as not to be seen. But the robber, not recognizing her in the old mother's dress, thought she was some strange woman from a neighboring village, and so to avoid being seen, he slipped behind the other hedge. Nice. Thus, Bopaluchi reached her home in safety. Meanwhile, the robber, having come to his house, saw the figure in the bridal scarlet sitting on the bridal chair spinning and of course thought it was Bopaluchi. So he called to her to help him down with the millstone, but she didn't answer.

He called again and still she didn't answer. And then he fell into a rage and threw the millstone at her head. Wow. It's a good thing. That person was already dead. Like she, what the fuck? Fucking domestic violence over here.

Jeez. The figure toppled over and lo and behold, it was not Bopalucci at all, but his old, ever so old mother. Poor mother. I know. She's the real victim here. Huh? She just wants nice, pretty hair. She just wanted long hair.

Thinks her son's great. She's like, oh, how'd you get your hair so long and beautiful? I don't know. She was being perfectly nice. Aw. So anyway, she's dead. Whereupon the robber wept and beat his breast, thinking he had killed her. But when he discovered pretty Bbalucci had run away he became wild with rage and determined to bring her back somehow

they're perfect for each other they're both right they're fucking psycho the only problem is he's not hot if only he was hot there would have been no problem. That's most, most stories, basically. I guess, you know what? The thing is, Bluebeard was hot. And that was a pretty serious problem still. Yeah, that's true.

Now Bopaluchi was convinced that the robber would come to try to carry her off again. So every night she begged a new lodging in some friend's house, leaving her own little bed in her own little house quite empty. But after a month or so, she had come to the end of her friends and did not like to ask any of them to give her shelter a second time, which girl, when you're fleeing from a domestic violence situation,

you can just live with me. I know. Just move in. But you know different different culture different time yeah so she determined to brave it out and sleep at home whatever happened but she took a bill hook to bed with her i don't know what a bill hook is but i didn't i didn't actually look it up bill hook oh it's like a machete oh cool. She's a bad... Well, she's a psycho. She's a psycho. Of course she's a badass. I'm having a hard time

feeling bad for her. She just... She killed an old woman for no reason. She killed an old woman in cold blood when she really didn't need to. Mm-hmm. She didn't have to do that. Like, damn. She could have just left. But a bill

hook is like a machete with a curved end. Yeah, it looks fucking awesome. It looks really, it looks really gnarly. It's, it's, according to Wikipedia, it's a tool widely used in agriculture and forestry. But, you know, you can also, I'm sure, use it for other stuff. And I'm sure that won't come up. I'm sure that's not going to come up later in the show. She's probably not scared at all.

She's sleeping peacefully with that thing in her hand. Yeah, because she's a fucking psycho. I wouldn't want her to stay with me if I knew she just killed that old lady. She'd probably kill you, you too if it was convenient. Mm-hmm. Oh, I did it because I was scared for my life. Quotation marks. I forget.

This is a podcast. No one can see me do that. It's a great visual bit. Whew. Okay. So she goes to sleep with the billhook. Sure enough, in the very middle of the night four men crept in at each seizing a leg of the bed lifted it up and walked off the robber himself having hold of the

leg close behind her head oh no there's four men that's scary yeah four men is like he like hired people to help him you sound that way yeah creepy. Little do they know she's going to murder all of them. Bo Baluchi is wide awake, but pretended to be fast asleep until she came to a wild deserted spot where no witnesses were around. She was plotting this the whole time. I swear to God. Where the thieves were off their guard.

Then she whipped out the bill hook and in a twinkling, it cut off the thieves were off their guard then she whipped out the bill hook and in a twinkling cut off the heads of the two thieves at the foot of the bed turning around quickly she did the same to the other thief at the head but the robber himself ran away in a terrible fright and scrambled like a wild cat up a tree close by before she could run him down. She's running after him? Yeah. I love it. Don't fuck with this girl. I love this like murderers meet cute. Now I kind of hope they get together in the end anyway.

Come down, cried brave Bopaluchi, brandishing the billhook, and fight it out. But the robber would not come down. So Bobolucci gathered all the sticks she could find, piled them around the tree, and set fire to them. God damn!

Bobolucci, what the fuck? You picked the wrong one. Huh? Of course, the tree caught fire also, and the robber, half stifled with smoke, tried to jump down and was killed. After that, Bopaluchi went to the robber's house and carried off all the gold and silver, jewels and clothes that were hidden there, coming back to the village so rich that she could marry anyone she pleased. And that was the end of Bopaluchi's adventures.

The end. Damn. Damn, Bopaluchi. Damn of Bopaloochee's adventures. The end. Damn! Damn, Bopaloochee! Damn, Bopaloochee! Fuck! I mean, like, I'm terrified and impressed and a little turned on. So impressed. But terrified. It's a little hot.

Like, she's the hot one. Yes. Like, hot and scary, for sure. My fix for the story because they're both psychos would be like he's he's hot in the story and then he comes down and they battle it out and while they're fighting then they start fucking because it's like they're both like turned it becomes very It becomes like a Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yes. Exactly. It's like violence turns to sexy, which is just fun. That's fun.

So fun. I think, I mean, it's one of my favorite like sexy tropes. Right. Wow. Like it's hot. Wow. right wow like it's hot wow and maybe she doesn't murder the mother but like does tie her up and then the thief like still throws it at her head or something but maybe like she doesn't die i don't i feel so bad for the old lady i know i know like i don't want the i think i think you know the thing

that kind of ruins the sexy the sexy you know sexy murderous meet cute is that she kills his mother. Yeah, that ruins it big time. That ruins it big time. Oh, my God. I think that the way that I kind of want to fix it, and it is kind of like a softy ending, is they do the thing we thought we were gonna they were gonna do which is she cuts off all of her hair to give to the old woman as a wig and then leaves like the way to like oh and you can trick him by taking my dress you gave me your

hair i give you my outfit we switch clothes and then you'll get away yeah we switch clothes and you know and here's like a handful of his jewels that he's stolen. And then she can still go back to the village and marry whoever she wants. I like the sexy Mr. and Mrs. Smith ending. Me too. I think that's like, that's definitely a more fun ending. They're both good. Both very good.

So in that version, she just knocked his mom out. Yeah, exactly. She didn't. Yeah. Oh my Yeah, exactly. She didn't. Yeah. Oh, my God. Damn. She didn't murder his mother. God damn.

And it's hot. I love that you point out that she was so desperate to get married to like any rich person until she found out it was that guy. And she's like yeah anybody but you uh-huh any other thoughts on bopaluchi wow that was so good i got one point because bopaluchi was the name of the character but that's it there was no mean grouchy old man and nope just a sweet old woman who got her head beaten in with a pestle poor woman she just wanted pretty hair that's like she did and you usually like can like trust other women i don't know that makes me very sad it's very anti-feminist this is not a maybe i don't know. That makes me very sad. It's very anti-feminist. Mm-hmm. This is not a feminist story. I don't know.

Maybe Bopaloochee's friends didn't want her to stay with them because they were like, Bopaloochee sucks. She's kind of weird. She has a violent streak that really freaks me out. Like, she throws hands really fast. Damn. I think if she hadn't killed his mom, I'd be a lot more sympathetic to her. Yeah, definitely.

I think killing the old woman was like, that's too much of a yikes. But she also just slayed three other dudes, no problem. Well, that was self-defense, you know? I think anytime four men are like picking you up and carrying you somewhere in the middle of the night, you can kill them, and I'm okay with that. I just mean how, like, not worried she was about it. Like, she was – she's so ready to murder. She's clearly quite physically capable. Yeah.

Like, I don't believe for a second that someone capable of this was in danger from this man for a second. Yeah, exactly. Damn. Okay, well well that was awesome uh thank you for telling me that horrible horrible story you're welcome it's like this that story is such an i love it but i hate it for me right yeah it was all over the place like i'm impressed and terrified yeah and that's just this is why like the next time i tell one of these stories i am going to have a stiffer drink um because that's just a sampling that's a relatively light sampling of just the like sheer what the fuck that's all these folks that's so many of these folktales. In fact, that's actually a perfect segue into what I'm doing today.

I I'm so excited. Tell me you're ready. Okay. So there is a meme that like literally, I think every single listener we have has sent to us and I love it so much. It's, um, so it's like a,

an illustration of like a little girl in pigtails with a green dress and she's on fire and there's all the smoke and there's two cats on the side and their hands are thrown up like, Oh my God. And it says when you have a fairy tale ending, but it's the German version. I've definitely seen that at least once before. Okay. That's so funny. So I'm the one who checks our social media messages.

And literally, I feel like every single person who follows us has sent this to us. It's incredible. I'm going to send it to you real fast so you can look at it. But in honor of that meme that everybody keeps sending us, uh i've been replying the same thing to everyone 10 out of 10 no fixes no fixes i just sent it to you on oh wait on gj here hold on it's so good yep that's that's perfect and it's also like in like the old timey like children's book illustration style where like she has like two red circles like for blush. And the cats are like, ah.

That's a fairytale ending. All right. But thank you to everyone who has sent us that because I never get tired of it. I haven't reposted it because I kind of want more people to keep sending it to us. It's so good. So that's what I decided to do today. I'm going to read a random tale from Brothers Grimm.

Let's do something German. We're going to see what we get. Well, because I think like, I don't know, that's just, that's so great because like everybody talks about how like fucked up German fairy tales are and they are. But I also really enjoyed reading through my Indian folk tales.

Just being like Indian folk tales are also pretty fucked up. Like they're all fucked up. They're all fucked up. You know why? See the Korean folk tales word is fucked up to me. The couples that we've read are actually kind of sweet. I think it's like people, they're just like adult stories they're not really for kids people are like oh fairy tales they're like disney they're for kids and it's like no that's like probably like women grown women

churning butter trying to freak each other out yep or make a point. Or tell a, like, Boba Luchi kind of strikes me as like a power fantasy story. Oh, yeah. Of like, you know, instead of something bad happening to her, she's the bad thing that happens to the guys. I love that. Gosh, that's such a good point. That's exactly what that is. And I love it.

Yeah. That's why I love that horror movie hush so much because it like turns anyway it's just it's great i love a murderer meet cute so i am just gonna do a random story i'm gonna have you tell me when to stop oh my god i'm so excited because i haven't done a random one in a while and I'm excited. Me too. All right. Okay. Do it.

Flip it. Wait, hold on. I'm not gonna let you know. And I don't want to know. Ooh. Way. The book.

Ooh, that's exciting. It's secret. Okay. Ready? And go. Stop. Okay.

I landed on maiden without hands. Stop. Okay. I landed on Maiden Without Hands. Yes, I must know. I don't even care if the episode's long. Have we done this one yet? Okay, it's not super long. I feel like I've read that this is a good one for Halloween, and I'm not sure. Oh, should we save it? Nah, it's not that long.

Okay, I want to know tell me this is from the original folk and fairy tales of the brothers grim by jack zipes fairy tale king and uh this is maiden without hands oh but you have to give me. Mm-hmm. Okay. Maiden Without Hands. She's a ghost. She's a ghost. A g-g-g-g-g-ghost. A g-g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost.

Swings. Swings. The protagonist is a young village lad a young village lad a young lad of some sort i take back the village okay yeah that's fine that's too specific i wouldn't even know what that means anyway okay number three i mean and uh oh so like he could be royalty or he could not be exactly like i i was kind of like yeah that's too specific i'm i'm gonna i'm just gonna it's a young lad smart that's that's smart thank you you're so smart and pretty and funny oh uh uh at some point just the hands will show up. I love it. I'm just going to type in just the hands.

Okay, wait, I want to make sure. We haven't done this one, right? I think I might have read this at one point. I've definitely never heard it. So yeah, you might have read it, but I've never. So I'm just, can I opt out of doing predictions for this one sure just in case you've read this one I think I have

but I feel like if I make predictions it's going to be too close too close okay yeah go for it do it oh I'm so excited maiden without hands a miller who was so poor that he had nothing else but his mill and a large apple tree behind it went into the forest to fetch wood. While there, he met an old man who said, why are you torturing yourself so much?

I'll make you rich if you promise to give me what's behind your mill. In three years, I'll come and fetch what's mine. He sounds like the devil to me oh probably okay so in three years he's gonna come back in three years if you'll give me i'm gonna i feel like i'm making predictions as i'm reading it and i really okay the miller thought to himself that's my apple tree So he said yes and signed it away to the man. When the miller returned home, his wife said to him, tell me, miller, how did all this wealth suddenly get into our house? All at once I've discovered our chests and boxes are full of money.

That's definitely the devil, then. It's from a stranger I met in the forest, he said. Totally safe. it's from a stranger i met in the forest he said totally safe he promised me great wealth if i agreed in writing to give him what's behind our mill oh i just had a baby back there that's 100 percent what it is oh husband his wife exclaimed in dread this is terrible that was the devil he didn't mean the apple tree but our daughter daughter, who was behind the mill, sleeping out the yard. Okay, so he did know that the daughter existed, at least. That's good.

The miller's daughter was quite beautiful and a pious maiden. But after three years, the devil appeared quite early and wanted to fetch her. But she drew a circle around herself and purified herself. Because she's awake. Consequently, the devil couldn't get near her, and he said angrily to the miller, I want you to take all the water

away from her so that she can't wash herself anymore, and then I'll have power over her. Oh, no. Okay. That's weird. Devil's like making people dirty he does um this reminds me of like the napoleon movie came uh is coming out at some point in the next year like biopic and i just saw a bunch of people on x talking about um talking about a letter that he wrote to his wife where he was like

hi you know hey wife I'm going somewhere for a couple of weeks I'll be back you know on this day don't wash oh so like he and his wife were like we're into some musky kinky stuff but anyway that's what

the devil reminded me of I mean don't kink shame also Napoleon that's what that's what the devil reminded me of i mean don't kink shame also napoleon sucked so he's kind of the devil definitely one thousand percent but he and his wife had a thing going on which good for them i guess yeah i mean whatever whatever gets you going whatever whatever jars definitely not definitely not kink shaming um i conquer conquering shaming is is what we do but colonization shaming yes that is what but anyway that's just what that reminded me of like oh yeah take all our water away make her stinky since the miller was afraid of the devil and a little bitch and obviously didn't care about his daughter at all. Doesn't care about his daughter at all.

He was told. The next morning, the devil came again and she wept on her hands and washed herself with her tears so that she was completely clean and very salty. Very salty. Once more, the devil couldn't get near her. She cried enough to wash herself? I know, that's a lot. Got no water left in your body. Once more, the devil couldn't get near her and said furiously to the miller,

chop off her hands so that I could grab hold of her. The miller was horrified and replied, How can I chop off the hands of my own dear child? I won't do it. You know what? I'll take you child? I won't do it. You know what? I'll take you instead. If you don't do it. And he's a little bitch.

And so he chops his own daughter's hands off. Are you really about to tell me that? Well, the father was so terribly scared of him. He promised to do with the devil commanded. He went to his daughter and said, my child, if I don't chop off your hands,

the devil will take me away. And in my fear, I promised I'd do it. Please forgive me. And guess what? The daughter doesn't forgive him. She says, fuck you, dad. She says, father, do what you want with me. Because she's a good little girl.

Go with the devil. I know. Just go. You'll probably have some killer sex. Go with the devil. I know. Just go. You'll probably have some killer sex. At least then you'll have your hands. You'll have your hands. You'll probably have a pretty good time. I want my hands back.

This is giving me a few drama. Then she extended both of her hands and let him chop them off. The devil came a third time, but she had wept so long and so much on her stumps that they too were all clean. So he lost any claim he had to her. I guess. I don't know. How were her stumps?

Those are the devil rules. It was in the fine print. Yeah. If she's clean, I can't take her. Yeah. She's like pure, maybe. Something like that. I guess.

I mean, that would make sense. Now, since the killer had gained so much wealth thanks to his daughter, he promised her he would see to it that she'd live in splendor for the rest of her life, the least he could do. But she didn't. Weirdly, she didn't want to remain there what what crazy i want to leave here and shall depend on the kindness of people to provide me with whatever i need which is a horrible plan but okay i mean your father chopped your own hands off and you haven't learned your lesson about human... Your own father chopped your hands off. Do you think strangers are going to be any better?

Mm-mm. I mean, it is a fairy tale. They might be. I hope they are for her sake. I hope she finds community. Oh, I love that, actually. Like, I hope that, like, like you know medieval german peasants believe in mutual aid there you go yeah oh we have the fix for the story no matter what okay i think the

fixes go with the devil but okay you're right like the second year the second your dad is the second your dad says like yeah i'll chop your hands off to save myself this is gonna be another choose your own adventure fairy tale and i think so fairy tale thanks all right keep going then she had her maimed hands bound to her back and at dawn she set out on her way and walked and walked the entire day until it had become dark and she had reached the king's garden. There was a hole in the head of the garden, so she went inside through the hole and found an apple tree that she shook with her body. When the apples fell to the ground, she leaned over and lifted them with her teeth and ate them. She lived this way for two days, but on the third, the guards came and saw her.

She lived this way for two days, but on the third, the guards came and saw her. So they seized her and threw her into the prison house. And on the next day, she was led before the king and was to be expelled from the country. Why? Cried the prince. It would be better if she looked after the chickens in the courtyard. I mean. That's good.

That's good. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad the prince is taking pity on her. Oh, yeah. Everybody's being extremely ableist. It's like, let's give her a job. She's literally living off of apples that she has to, like... Bonk out of the tree.

It fucking sucks. Yeah. Thank goodness for this prince. So, she remained there for some time and looked after the chickens. Meanwhile, the prince saw her often and became very fond of her. However, the time came for him to marry, and royal messengers were sent out all over the world to find a beautiful bride for him. You don't have to send messengers to search far. I know a bride who is very close by.

Oh. The old... I like it. She can't do anything with your hands. I mean, that's ableist. That is. That is. God, that would suck, though.

How much you use your hands day to day. She kept them with her, though. That's right. They're bound on her back. That's true. She still got them the old king reflected and tried to think of a maiden but he wasn't familiar with any young lady in his land who was beautiful and rich the two main things you need to be to be a bride

there are no pretty rich girls in the whole kingdom yeah i find that hard to believe me too then again if it's just the one percent that's wealthy oh i mean and they do um marry their cousins a lot at that level no so yeah maybe eat the. So the king's, like, reflecting. He's trying to think of, like, all the pretty ladies that he knows. And he says, you don't intend to marry that maiden who tends the chickens in the courtyard, do you? Sure do. And the son explained, however, that he wouldn't marry anyone else but her. So finally, the king had to yield to his wish.

And soon thereafter, he died. Wow. Probably being upset and shocked because kings are dramatic. So dramatic. The prince inherited the throne and lived happily with his wife

for some time. Yet at one point, the young king had to leave his realm to fight in a war and during his absence, his wife gave birth to a beautiful child. She sent a messenger with a letter to announce the good news. However, on the way, the messenger stopped to rest near a brook and fell asleep. Then the devil appeared.

Oh, my God. We haven't seen the last of him. Never. For he was still trying to harm the pious queen and so he exchanged the letter for another one that said the queen had given birth to a changeling nefarious when the king read the letter he was quite distressed but he wrote a letter in which he declared that the queen and the child should be protected until his return. Because he loves her.

He does. Okay. I like the prince. I know. I know. I feel like this is all happening so fast. It is. But it must be taking place over a period of like several years, though.

Yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah. I think the story is just written in a way that it's all just happening so fast. It's like it's expeditiously getting through the relevant plot points. I do like that, though. Yeah. Why drag it out?

He loves her. He loves her. I just kept waiting for it to be bad somehow. I don't know. But it seems like he really loves her. And that's sweet. I know. So far, the worst part is at the beginning the messenger started back with the letter but he stopped to rest at the same spot and fell asleep once again the devil came and put a

different letter in his pocket that said they should banish the queen and child from his land this was to be done even if all the people at the court wept out of sadness i didn't come here to be queen i don't have any luck and also don't demand any the queen declared bind my child and my hands on my back then i'll set out into this world i didn't come here to make friends and she still has her hands which yeah. Yeah, she sure does. They're bones, right? At this point. At this point.

Or are her hands like magically preserved somehow? What if they still move? She can still use them. They're just not attached. That's kind of a fun idea. That's creepy, but really fun. Yeah, I like it. I'm going to go with that because i like that me too it's like um like thing from the adam family

like she didn't originally have them bow to her back as queen they were just running around kind of doing their own thing oh yeah that's the fix Helping raise a child. That's the fix. I love it. That evening, she reached a fountain in a dense forest where a good old man was sitting. Please show me some mercy, she said, and lift my child to my breast so that I can give him something to drink. The man did this,

whereupon he said to her, there's a thick tree standing over there. Go over and wrap your maimed arms around it when she did this her hands grew back oh thereupon the old man pointed to a house literally do anything this man says he's just right about stuff go and live there don't leave the house and don't open the door unless someone asks three times to enter for god's sake in the meantime the king returned home i know yeah fuck yeah anything you say my hands just grew back yeah absolutely i was i'm assuming this

is gonna be like what maybe like 10 years later she was like quite that long because this is her this is her first child. Yeah, that's true. Maybe like five. She was 13 and now she's like 18 or 19. I hope. Hopefully. Or is he now 16?

Anyway. So go and live in that house and don't let anyone in unless they knock three times. To enter for God's sake specifically. times to enter for god's sake specifically has to be for god's sake because the devil can't say the g word no in the meantime the king returned home and realized how he had been deceived consequently he sent out accompanied by a single servant to look for his wife just a single servant? Not that worried about anything. Isn't he the king? He can take the whole town if he want. Maybe he's a good king though. Okay. That would pull people away from their daily lives and that's just not fair. My wife. After a long journey, he lost his way

one night in the same forest in which the queen was living however he didn't know that the queen was so close over there his servant said there's a little light glimmering in a house thank god we can rest there thank god i hate i hate camping so fucking much let's go to sleep on the ground oh not at all responded the king i don't want to rest very long i want to continue to search for my wife before i can take any rest but the servant pleaded and complained so much about being so tired that the king agreed out of compassion see this is why you do need someone in your workplace that's advocating advocating for themselves because it benefits all the other people.

Yeah. You know? Be the squeaky wheel. I like this buddy trip that they're going on. I feel like that's a whole separate episode of everything else. Me too. In the movie of this story, like, this would be the King's, like, long-time childhood best friend. Oh, and

he's played by Josh Gad. I love it. I love that. That's great. I love this story so much. I know. It's so fast, though. I feel like this is an expedited version.

When they arrived at the house, the moon was shining and they saw the queen standing at the window. Goodness, that must be her queen, the servant said. She resembles her very much, but I realize that she can't be the queen because this woman has hands. Astute. It's a ghost. It's a ghost. The server requested lodging for the night, but she refused because he didn't ask for God's sake.

Smart. So he decided to move on and look for another place to spend the night then the king himself stepped forward and cried out for god's sake let me enter i can't let you enter until you ask me three times for god's sake oh shit she can just tell him the rules he doesn't have to just know the rules she recognizes her husband like come on she on. She obviously probably – I like what if she recognized the king's childhood best friend, but she didn't want to let him in. No, thank you, Josh Gad. Not you.

Not you. She doesn't – She's like a little jealous of their bromance. She's a little concerned about it. Which she should be. Anyway. Anyway. And after the king asked another two times, god's sake she opened the door then his little son came skipping toward him oh so now he's like also it's been a

couple years out here yeah and led the king to his mother and recognized her immediately as his beloved wife the next morning just as they left the house and began traveling together to return to their country, the house vanished right behind them. The end. Yay. Oh my God. That was such a great story.

The house was the ghost. I don't know if I would call that a Halloween story. I think if it had ended with like the devil getting her after getting her hands chopped off or something, it becomes a Halloween story. But the rest of that was like pretty cool. It was cute. I liked it. I'm glad I read that one. I feel like that's – I feel like I have read it, but it was a long time ago.

Mm-hmm. And I don't – I probably didn't end up, like, reading it for Halloween. But I'm glad we read it today. Me too. I think that was really fun. Yeah. I don't think I got any points. What the fuck?

I love that she leaves her dad. She's like, yeah, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to stay here. Like, you did what you had to do i guess but like i forgive you but also i don't feel safe here anymore and that's yeah and that's fair like i i actually really really like that that she leaves. Yeah. She's like, you know, I love you, Dad, but also I'm going to go. And I understand why you felt like you had to chop my hands off,

but also you sold me to the devil and then chopped my hands off. So I'm going to go. I'm going to go rely on, you know, the kindness of strangers. I would rather rely on you know the kindness of strangers I'd rather rely I would rather rely on strangers to take care of me oh man

all right uh did you get any she wasn't a ghost nope not a ghost was the protagonist a young lad the nope it was definitely her yeah I think it was her and then just the hands i wish no you didn't get any points sorry nope that's fine that makes sense

um what what okay so like now that we've read the whole story what is the fix here i i no longer think she should go with the devil just because i like it so much that she decides to leave yeah that's cute that's lovely like good for you and then the miller's never mentioned again like she never gets back in touch with him like he never he never gets to meet his grandchildren he never knows that his daughter's a queen now yeah um i love that i don too. I kind of liked it. I kind of have the classic fairy tale fix of where it's like, I feel like there's more to the story that wasn't there. Cause it was just so cool happening so fast. Like maybe a little more courting of the Prince and her like flirting a la like the,

the goose girl. Yeah, I think so. Like, they meet more often. A little bit. Like, why does he like her so much? And also, what's this old man's deal? Who is the old man? Oh, who is that?

And how does he know to, like – Is he an angel? Is he, like, a forest spirit? Like, I gotta know. I wanna know more more and what happened to the devil because the devil's not gonna give up he gave up like well i gag i know because like so the it's the end of the story the devil's not gonna fuck with them anymore i don't buy it yeah yeah just more to the story we find out all the details and it gets made into an awesome movie to enjoy featuring Josh.

Is it Josh Gad? Did I say his name right? Is that the guy who played Gaston's sidekick in the live action Beauty and the Beast? Yes. Yes, that's Josh Gad. Yeah, I love him. I think that would be fun. He's great.

Who would be the king, though? The king? I just don't know enough actors to cast these movies. Well, we didn't really get any description. So, like, any handsome young guy. He's just nice. He was just nice. I don't know.

Timothee Chalamet? Mm. Mm. Yes. I want him to. Timothy Chalamet. Yes. I want him to be the dramatic king though. Wait, I'm thinking of Timothy Oliphant. Oh,

okay. Timothy Oliphant is the king is the, is the old king or the devil or the devil. He's the devil. I like that. Okay. Yes. Timothy Oliphant is the devil. Timothy Chalam's the devil. I like that. Okay. Yes. Timothy Oliphant is the devil.

Timothy Chalamet is the prince that turns king. Timothy Oliphant can get it. He can. He's so hot. Who were you saying? Timothy what? Timothy Chalamet. He's the guy that plays.

He's playing Paul in Dune. Yeah. He's all right. He's so tiny. He's a Paul in Dune. Um, yeah. He's all right. He's so tiny. He's just, he's a tiny elfin. He's a tiny Victorian waifu. He's a little baby. What do I know him from?

Is he in Wednesday? No. I don't know. I don't think I know him from anything then. I don't think so. I've, he was in Little Women. Oh, gosh. think so i've he was in little women oh gosh uh x at us and tell us what you think yeah um there's probably a i don't know why timothy i think it's because i watched the dune trailer uh like yesterday so he's in he's on the brain but like help us tell you give us another person help us cast this movie

who do you think should be uh who do you think should be the maiden with no hands it'd be cool if they could get like an actual actress like i don't know maybe it's not too on the nose like an actual actress who has like prosthetics yeah i don't think there's a lot of those um I mean she would have to be an unknown because I don't think I can't think of anyone famous off the top of my head that like is missing like even one arm or hand yeah yeah Hollywood would have to get a lot cooler very fast Hollywood maybe you should think about that they would have to get a lot cooler very fast. Hollywood, maybe you should think about that. They would have to be interested in a lot more of diverse bodies.

I also, I really just don't know a lot of actors and actresses, but I like it. I think that was fun. That would make it fun. Maybe a miniseries. Because I do want a whole episode of just a buddy. Like just a whole episode of the buddies getting lost in the woods and josh gad being fucking over it i'd be into that actually i'd be so into that right that'd be so funny yeah i'd watch it that's great

but we but we will we will be taking absolutely no suggestions for the devil the devil is cast uh devil casting is closed i love him i haven't actually watched justified my mom's obsessed with that show and apparently it's back and i kind of just want to watch it because i love timothy holf it's back yeah they yeah my parents also really like that one oh nice yeah um. Yeah. I have also not seen it, but like. He's good at being goofy. I've seen clips of it and he's, you know, yummy. He's super yummy.

He's good at being like goofy sweet and he's also good at being like creepy, evil, mean. He's just a great character actor. He's fun. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a great character actor. He's fun. Yeah. Yeah. He's got talent. Well. I think that's going to do it for us today.

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seeing that the robber actually is sort of like the tall dark and handsome type Bopaluchi decides to play a game of cat and mouse with him and merely knocks his mother out before

fleeing back to her home village murdering her and then when she gets kidnapped she still before fleeing back to her home village. Instead of ultimately murdering her. And then when she gets kidnapped, she still kills all the guys that he paid to kidnap her because it was badass and super cool and they deserved it. And then she corners him up a tree, but he decides to grow some balls

and does come down and fight her. And then they have a single combat by moonlight that turns into a pretty hot fucking session. And we learn so much more about the maiden without hands. We learn how the devil keeps trying to get her. how the devil keeps trying to get her. And we also get to see the Prince, the very kind Prince court her while she's tending the chickens. And we also get to hear about how she tends the chickens with no hands.

And we get to learn about the random old man in the wood that knows everything, especially his story. And, uh, we get a little buddy like a buddy adventure episode with the prince

it ends up being about as long as the princess who would be a prince yes and then they all live happily ever after the end