Fairy Tale Fix - 72: Millennial Folklore

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Damsels are slightly distressed in this episode, but they freaking HANDLE it. First Abbie tells the Punjabi tale of Bopoluchi, a fierce and proud young woman with nerves of steel and a license to kill (that she gave herself). Next, Kelsey recounts the German story of the Maiden With No Hands, whose superpower is a good head on her shoulders and great boundaries.

There's a typo in here. How dare. Threw me off. Threw off the groove. Hello and welcome to Fairy Tale Fix, your what the fuck fairy tale podcast. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. Welcome to our silent rave slash podcast. If it's not your first episode, we do a minute of silence before we start the show to make sure we get rid of any annoying background noises. And we just stare at each other for a whole minute and try not to giggle like two little girls in the church.

And then we usually end up channeling that awkward staring at each other energy into like very bad like upper body only dance moves. Yeah, still trying to remain quiet, but also, you know, dancing. You can't see that, but i was dancing again waving my hands in the air like i just don't care it's a great visual bit for an audio podcast you're welcome you're welcome welcome uh this is the show where we read folk and fairy tales to you. And then we fix them for a modern audience. It's a hoot. A hoot and a half. I'm also just so excited

because Kelsey just got back from her trip to Europe and I have not seen her beautiful face for far too long. It's been too long. Yeah, it's been too long. And it was such a busy trip. I am still so jet lagged. Abby offered also to like very generously offered It's been too long. I mean, three hours to come see you, but that doesn't really do much for my jet lag. Yeah. But eight to nine hours in London and Paris was a lot.

I am very tired. Yeah, that's a big leap. Yeah, like three hours is usually – three hours, like I usually don't notice it when I'm going like to either coast. But yeah, eight hours, eight hours is a big jump. And I can see that it like I can see it in your eyes that it's still affecting you. You've got you've got the you've got the jet lag stare. Yeah, it's I am delusional. The Lulu, the kids are saying these days. Is that what the kids are saying? Theulu is the salulu which is my favorite wow i love it i i love uh new phrases that people i'm gonna try that one on my gen z co-worker yes

get their reaction if he makes fun of me god one of my other favorites is i don't really understand it but it's like, all facts, no printer. The fuck does that mean? But I love it. I think it's more fun to not really know what it means and just say it sometimes. All facts, no printer. So great. God, I love language. I'm stealing that one for sure. That one's so great god i love language i'm stealing that one for sure that one's so funny that's so

great god damn it i think i just see them on tiktok every now and then and i don't really bother to like understand the context i just i just like it i just enjoy it yep that is a hilarious new phrase and i enjoyed hearing it um yeah so i went across uh across the pond across the pond oh my gosh tell me tell me a few highlights tell all of us we're all because we've seen the pictures if you don't follow us on instagram you're making a mistake i posted a couple um definitely a huge highlight was I got to meet Frankie Brown, one of the fairy tale artists. I'm so jealous. I know. I know. I wished so badly that you were there. I constantly message her every time she has like a show coming up. I'm like, I just wish I could teleport. Like it's 2023. Why can I not teleport to come like see

your show and buy artwork and come back? So seriously. So it was wild getting to meet. Basically, I told her I was going to be in the area and I was like, oh, is there anything you recommend? And she was like, we could grab a pint. And I was like, hell yeah. It was very exciting. We met at the Dickens Inn. Yeah.

Which is just perfection. It was very fun. How was the Dickensens in it was very cute okay cool because i wasn't because like i couldn't tell if it looked charming or tourist trappy or both both i feel like everything in london because i was in like the big city touristy areas and that's what we were there for it was like doing the touristy things yeah taking the tours looking at all of the landmarks and all the historical stuff yeah um but everything was really cute everyone in london was actually

really nice um it was wonderful meeting frankie that was she helped us uh find the natural history museum and took us through the tube which we didn't really have figured out yet it's very confusing i'm not a big city person at all. So subways and public transportations are mystery to me. Mm-hmm. But it was very fun. And so it was great hanging out with her. I mean, also going to Stonehenge.

It was really cool. The greatest henge of all. I I know I sang that a million times, like the whole trip. I bet. That was probably very annoying at me. Did you annoy everyone else on your bus? No, I didn't really sing to the other people on our bus. We had, you know, it was a lot of like older folks. And I just wasn't feeling super social so i didn't like make any new friends or anything in my tour group that's fine yeah i wasn't feeling particularly social it was just kind of we also were just doing so much stuff i feel so tired like we did everything we did so many tours i went to the jack the ripper museum which was really funny because it was like, and this is what the killer's room might have looked like, which was amazing. I love – like we went to, you know, like the British Museum, which was beautiful and huge and had like the Rosetta Stone and actual cool artifacts.

And then we went to the Jack the Ripper Museum, which was like, here are some handcuffs that may have been on the beat up that found the body. I loved the pictures of those because it looked like it's just like someone put up a really weird kind of janky wax museum. And I think that's great. I do too. I loved it so so much it was well worth the 12 dollars to get in that kind of reminds me like it's my that's my favorite kind of museum like when you were showing pictures of that like that totally reminded me of um the cryptid the cryptozoology museum in portland maine where it's like it, it's a really janky museum full of like wax figures and stuffed animals and then like plastic casts of like, this could be Bigfoot

poop. Yes. Yes. Like, remember that oyster museum in Maryland? Yeah. I mean, it was just like, I like small museums like that. I think they're really fun. And there's a lot of love put into it. You can really tell, you know? Yeah, because like the people who put those together, the people who are like, they are super obsessed with this topic specifically.

And they don't have a big budget. So it's just, I don't know i love it it's really precious it's so it's so charming um i i messaged you i went to somerset i was i found myself in somerset when we were visiting like the roman baths and i freaked out and kept telling adam this is where the apple man or the apple tree man lives yeah did you get some apple cider in somerset i forgot i ended up getting a beer instead um which I felt really silly afterwards. But, you know, that's okay. It happens. Sometimes you wanted a beer, you know?

Yeah. I think I was also just when we were there, it was during the Spain versus England for the World Cup. So there were like a ton of people in this pub. It was really fun. I loved that. It felt very local. Yep. Was there like a lot of like energy in there? Yeah. And I wasn't there when England lost, thank goodness. I was there when England saved a goal from Spain, like a free kick goal or whatever. And everybody freaked out. It was awesome. It was like everybody was erupting with happiness. It was very fun.

Everybody was super nice. You enjoyed watching footy? I watched footy. Footy on the telly at the pubby with the beer. Oh my gosh. That's from Bob's Burgers, by the way. I don't know if anyone understood, but that was a direct quote from Bob's Burgers.

Oh, because my reference for like calling it footy is uh like ted lasso yeah because the characters on that show also call it footy because i've heard ted lasso's amazing though it's a very charming show we'll talk about ted lasso some other time though i want to hear more about your trip um then we went to paris which was crazy not speaking like the main language um you know very very little i ordered a couple times in french and got responded to back in french which was very kind i think yeah thank you i was trying um so that was kind of a trip uh beautiful seeing the eiffel tower was like, you know, I thought it was going to be underwhelming and it totally wasn't.

I mean, it was so big and beautiful. And like the, when I saw it, it was at night and it was like glowing and it sparkles. And I was just, it was just like, wow, like this is gorgeous. This whole place is so beautiful. Um, except maybe during the day i'm not a city person so you have mentioned this uh when i got back home i was really excited to smell dirt and not pee yeah both cities smelled like pee and sewage everywhere we went and that was you know just and just so many buildings and so many people i was really excited when we

went to the monet gardens um that and je m'en a or something like that uh that was really pretty there were a lot of flowers there was a lot of nature. I messaged a couple of pictures of flowers to Fern because I was like, you would love this place so much. There's literally so many different kinds of flowers. It was insane. But there were also a lot of people there too. A lot of crowds. Yep. Obviously in beautiful historical places like that. But that was probably one of my favorite things. There was also a really cute, um, like little cafe down the street from the Monet gardens that we had, I had a croque monsieur, uh, which was delicious. And Adam got, you know, like one of those sandwiches that just comes on a baguette. It's like a baguette, butter, ham.

And it was delicious. That sounds great though. Yeah. Yeah yeah croque monsieur is like um ham cheese and mustard it's kind of it's almost like a kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich okay it was really tasty i mean all of the food in paris minus one sandwich we ended up getting right near the very end was very good like just delicious I ate so much food. Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do in Paris is you go eat all of the bread, butter, cheese and wine you can find. And I did that and it was amazing. I enjoyed it very much.

Oh my gosh. I'm so happy for you. Yeah. Yeah. It made me miss you. I honestly was thinking the whole time, like I want to do a fairytale europe tour through like ireland germany scotland i would love to go to denmark i think that'd be really fun yeah i think any any of

those places yeah no we we definitely like this is making this is making me want to accelerate our plans yeah to go on a little fairyytale trip. Yeah. That would be really, really fun. I was like even thinking like, man, it would be so cool if we could get like, you know, our listeners to come with us and we could all be on this bus on a big fairytale tour. I mean, there are some podcasts that do that where they make like plans to go like on trips with we all nerd out together like their patrons that would be super fun yeah well that's a stretch goal stretch goal you know what just say your dreams sometimes they come true i don't know sometimes they come true yeah i don't know if maybe if we actually this is totally a sidebar maybe we actually put that like on our patreon on our patreon as a stretch goal right and like if we get, this is totally a sidebar. Maybe we actually put that like on our Patreon as a stretch goal.

Right? And like if we get to this much money. Uh-huh. Oh my gosh. But that would be so much fun. It would be crazy fun. Bunch of fairy tale nerds on a bus. Because it was so much fun like meeting Frankie and just, I don't know.

It's like, I'm going to meet everybody that we talked to. Me too. We should, we should try to do a live show sometime. That'd be fun. That'd be really fun. And scary. And super scary.

Yeah. Or just a meetup. Speaking of all of our listeners and people that we love so much. Oh yeah. We have three new patrons to thank and they've been our patrons for a while. So we, you know, schedule these episodes out so early so sorry this is taking a while but thank you to our new patrons katie and i haven't gotten your name yet i'm so sorry avail rue or charlotte i'm not sure which name you prefer but uh message us back and we will uh thank you again correctly

yes we definitely will and will thank you again correctly. Yes, we definitely will. And thank, thank you. Thanks all three of you for, for signing up. We really appreciate it.

Valeru, I, I loved your predictions on the, on our, I think it was like our August bonus episode. No, it was one of, it was just one of our August episodes. It was the one with Twinkle,

the pussycat. It was 69. 69. Just say cat. Just say cat. I thought that was fitting for 69. It was not a dirty story. It was a very cute one.

It was a very precious story. We really dropped the ball on finding potentially dirty stories. You know, that's true. We definitely did. But it's know, that's true. We definitely, but it's okay. It's fine. I think I loved that episode. I love both those stories.

I thought they were really fun. So they're pretty perfect. So, uh, you know, it makes, this makes me really sad too. I heard a great folk tale.

Um, our, one of our tour guides told us a french folk tale and then showed us this like really old carving into the wall and i have a picture of it so i need to look it up and try to remember what it was i got i got told some folk tales while i was in france so that was really fun that's the dream all right well are you ready i am i am ready to get us going so this episode is coming out this is like our first october episode so i just want you to keep that in mind with with your predictions of the kind of story i might choose for the beginning of spooky season um and today we are going to read um a story with a title that's not going to help you

at all the title is called rubazal rubazal yep and uh it is from a book of charms and changelings i of course i'm kicking off october with a Ruth Manning Sanders tale. Yes. I appreciate that. Always reliable. Mm-hmm. I appreciate that about you. I will tell you where it's from. Okay. So the notation actually says that this story is from Silesia.

Okay. I'm definitely pronouncing that wrong um but uh silesia is actually um it's not a current country it is a historical region um and it's that's like kind of grouped by ethnicity so like this like silesian ethnic group uh lives uh in this region that's mostly it's mostly lies within poland uh-huh uh like southwest poland and then it also uh has little bits of this region that stick out into the czech republic and germany okay um and this is a story that gets told by those people. Fucking fantastic. That gives me absolutely no hints, but that's okay because I already have my predictions as soon as you said it.

Oh, excellent. I'm feeling ready. Okay. Hit me with them then. They're probably not right, but you know what? I don't care. Who cares? I'm just happy to be here. here yeah we're easing back into it yeah okay first prediction rubazal is magic magic and second prediction it's bad magic. Bad magic.

Yes. Okay, perfect. I feel like I could have combined those, but just in case it's not bad magic, I want it. Okay. And three, someone gets turned into an animal. I don't know why, but I imagine I want someone to get turned into like a frog or... Those are the vibes you're catching right now. Yeah, I think that'd be fun.

I love it. That sounds spooky-ish, right? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. The demon Rubazal lived in the mountains. So I... Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. I think that's actually already an automatic two points per count yes

demon rubizal that sounded sinister right oh yeah rubizal is such a good name for a demon it yeah it's just it it's very like it sounds ominous yeah i, I love it. Okay, so the demon Rubazal lived in the mountains and the mountains belonged to him as everybody knew except a few clever people who said that such things as demons didn't exist.

Those fools. I do like how like there aren't scare quotes in the book, but it is like heavily implied that like everybody knew except a few clever people so the demons didn't exist and among those clever ones was a rich lord of the manor whose lands lay at the foot of the mountains oh don't build your castle there no he doesn't believe in demons and uh that's gonna be a problem for him now one day this lord of the manor went walking in the mountains with some of his boon companions i love the phrase boon companions by the way i feel like you just don't

see it enough in modern literature agreed wholeheartedly in fact i don't know if i've seen it ever i've seen it like twice and i think one of i think one time might have been in like some like schlocky fantasy novel that was trying to sound like uh a fairy tale anyway boon companions and as they were so walking, they talked of Rubazal. He is very powerful, said one. And he can be very kind, said another. But we should do ill to vex him, said a third, for then he can be terrible. The lord of the manor laughed long and loud.

Fools, cried he. Can you really believe such nonsense? And he began to bawl out, Hey, Rubazal! Hey, Rubazal! Come and show yourself, old humbug! Here are some disciples of yours waiting to kiss your hands. No!

That is like messing with the Ouija board when you know you're not supposed to. Exactly, exactly. I was like, Ouija board when you know you're not supposed to. Exactly. Exactly. I was like Ouija board. I was going to say like he is he's doing he's doing he's playing the Bloody Mary game to prove that he's, you know, braver than the rest of his friends. Wow. Wow.

He shall suffer. And his companions think so, too. Like his companions try to too. His companions try to shush him. They're like, shh, oh my god, dude. You're gonna get turned into a frog. But the lord of the manor wouldn't hush. He bawled

louder and louder, calling Rubazal all sorts of rude names. Oh gosh. Good. I'm excited to see what happens to this guy. And of course, Rub is all heard but he didn't show himself yet all in good time thought he i love it it really is kind of the beginning of a horror movie where like somebody's somebody's mucking around with something they shouldn't, but nothing's going to happen to them quite yet. Yeah, no, you're going to play with your food a little.

Play with your food a little. Well, the lord of the manor, having yelled himself hoarse, felt thirsty and hungry too. And now he was complaining about the heat and blaming his companions for not having brought anything to eat with them and of there being nothing to drink but spring water. Ugh. Water. Ugh.

I get that. When not, yeah. I need a fun drink. I can't just have water. I have coffee and a mimosa right next to me. So drink goblin. Drink goblin. Beverage goblin.

Yeah. drink goblin beverage goblin yeah so he was complaining about it and then not far ahead of them appeared a most magnificent tavern the like of which you wouldn't find in all the country round one of his companions who had been that way before and had seen no such tavern was scared as he should be yeah and said pray heaven something isn't coming adrift now but the lord of the manor gave a shout of laughter and said hey boys it's already come adrift and he pulled a piece of leather from the sole of his boot which he had torn against a rock i don't really get what the joke is here, but they all left and then they go to the tavern. I, I am with the Lord on this one though.

If a tavern just appears somewhere, I'd be excited too. Mm-hmm. I would also go in. Yeah? Yeah. It'd be exciting. It'd be like,

Ooh, new place. New place. New pub, I'm in. Wow. Someone really saw a opportunity out here in the middle of the woods. I mean,

that would be so cute. Enterprising individual. Tell me you wouldn't go into a tavern that you just randomly come across in the woods and mountains i mean i probably would but i'm an idiot we both know that i'm i'm the drink the fairy wine sort i expected you to you know be smarter than me yeah you're right that would be the that would be the way to get me to drink fairy wine yeah it's like it's a long walk you're hot you're tired you're thirsty you're hungry and There's a pub.

And then a restaurant appears in the middle of the road. Yeah, you know, I wouldn't drink just like any liquid out of a pretty cup. But if it's in a pub, I'm in. You're there. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. All right. Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh. All right. They were received by servants in splendid uniforms who showed them into a fine, large dining room, and the magnificence of that room, could you but see it, would leave you gasping. The walls were hung with pictured tapestry. There were snowy mountains in the pictures and green glens, glittering water springs and cool, dark forests with birds among the branches and all manner of animals sauntering through the forest glades and overall rose a domed and painted ceiling with white clouds sailing across a blue sky and a new risen sun brightening the edges of those clouds sounds fancy fancy sounds pretty. Sounds like such a haven. What an oasis. I'm losing a little interest.

I like divy pups better. Well, the lord of this manor, as you can see, is a fancy boy. He is a fancy boy. He's not the dive bar sort. Not scared of demons, though. Nope. Not yet. Because he's not the Diver, the Diver. And oh, the Lord's companions were staring and exclaiming, but the Lord himself was loudly demanding to be served.

So then came the host, a tall, handsome man bowing and smiling. And the table was soon spread with everything of the best. And the Lord and his companions sat down to the most delicious meal they had ever tasted and though the lord of the manor must be talking big and bragging and boasting of his own table and how much better he was used to being served his companions did nothing but gobble and laugh it sounds fun it does sound fun but like it also sounds like this like this guy is sort of like he's your typical rich jerk like he just he just doesn't have respect for anything he doesn't respect he doesn't like even if here's the thing even if you don't believe in the supernatural like having respect for people who like do have a firm belief about something or even like the

just in case rule yeah i i don't know that I really believe in demons either, but you would not catch me playing with a Ouija board either. Like just in case, like I'm not inviting anything over. That's fair. I feel like that's fair. And then he also has no respect for the people who were serving him. He has no respect for his companions.

He's just like a big, loud, rude asshole. Yeah, it sounds like he's going to get what's coming to him. He sure will. Rube is all. As dish followed dish and bottle followed bottle, even the Lord himself was at last joining in the merriment. He finally quit his fucking complaining. even the Lord himself was at last joining in the merriment. He finally quit his fucking complaining.

But all at once, the room, the table, the waiters, and the host himself began to take on strange appearances. In the tapestries, the birds began to sing and hop, the waterfalls to rush and roar,

the trees to sway, the wild swine to scamper and grunt, the cattle to bellow, the dogs to rush barking through the forest glens, chasing the fleeing deer. And under the trees in the cool, dark forest, wolves and lions stalked and roared. Amazing. And the waiters, what were they? One was a withered tree stump, one a a piece of rock. One, a stork. Another, a cockchafer. Yay!

I didn't see any of those when I was in England, by the way. It made me sad. No cockchafers, huh? I was hoping. I guess they're, Frankie said they're called June bugs. So I guess they come up in like June. Are June bugs different than fireflies maybe over here oh oh my god a june bug is a large brown scarab beetle that appears in late spring and early

summer i thought a june bug was a firefly and that was the same thing okay i'm sorry that was my fault it's actually a Maybug. Not Junebug. Maybug. If you look at Maybug, you'll see a cockchafer. A cockchafer. They are so cute. Gosh.

I love the idea that all these waiters are becoming. I love the old tree stump. I think that's really cool. Yeah. I know. Isn't that? It's really cool yeah i know isn't that is like like i love this is like kind of like an like a halloween story even though i don't think it takes place in the fall but it's very spooky supernatural very supernatural um and the illustration is actually really cool too if you can see it oh you'll have to take a picture and send it so I can post it

yeah I will and we're actually not done there's one more waiter also turns into a wasp yeah as to the host himself he was making the strangest faces

now he grinned, now he wept now he had one eye, now he wept. Now he had one eye. Now he had three eyes. Now he had a hundred eyes. Now he shrunk to the size of a dwarf. Now he reared up to the size of a giant. Now he had a small swollen nose. Now a nose like a beak.

Now he had a human face. Now a goat's face. Now a pig's face. And now he spoke like a man. And now he bleated like a sheep. Now he grunted like a wild pig. Now he he spoke like a man and now he bleated like a sheep now he grunted like a wild pig now he roared like a lion and what's more the clouds on the ceiling began to move a rushing wind drove them apart then drove them together again lightning flashed among the clouds thunder rolled

then the sky cleared for a moment stars glittering in dark depths a full moon rose and dimmed the stars oh cool and the room what was happening to the room the trees and the cliffs were growing higher and higher the trees closed in the rocks drew closer together and parted but then drew still closer the terrified lord of the manor and his terrified companions crept shuddering under the table, but the table rose and vanished. And there they were crouched among the threatening cliffs that grew closer and closer and closer together.

Get him. Get him. I feel like his friends should turn into something too. Like they weren't really there that would be really spooky that would be super spooky because then you're all alone I love it

or better yet they're demons too sir host sir host cried the terrified lord of the manor am I dreaming or waking truly one could almost believe this the doing of a mountain spirit if that wasn't such a manifest absurdity sir host tell me what does it mean the host didn't answer he was making madder faces than ever and now the sky on the ceiling was black

with clouds rain fell in torrents and now everything was lit by a flash of lightning now thunder peeled and everything was dark sir host faltered the lord of the manor what is your opinion might this perhaps be the work of a mountain spirit who men call rubazal hardly had the lord spoken that word rubazal when there came such a clap of thunder that the whole room shuddered every beast on the tapestried walls raised his voice in an ear-splitting caterwauling the trees bent and shuddered under the howling gale the rocks split and rolled this way and that the very mountains shuddered and ever more violently fell the rain and ever more swiftly one flash of lightning followed another and ever more loudly came the clap and the rumbling

of thunder and then suddenly the whole ceiling of the room rose into the air higher and higher till it vanished among the clouds the room and everything in it disappeared and the lord and his companions found themselves seated on the ground among the familiar mountains. All drew a breath of relief. The Lord of the Manor gave a foolish laugh. We must have fallen asleep, said he. I had a strange and terrifying dream, but let's go home. Totally just a dream, 100%. Yeah, that happens to to people they fall asleep in the middle of the

mountains he got yes absolutely people just you know they were tired and you're taking a walk and uh they were tired they were dehydrated they went down they took a little nappy nap he had a weird dream and now it's time to go home it's fine everything's fine don't worry about it don't worry about it he got to his feet my head feels strangely heavy said he and he put up his hand to his head and oh me what did he find two long hairy gray ears adorned his lordly head. And his companions, oh me, his companions, one had antlers on his head, another had a pig's snout, another a dog's muzzle, another a duck's beak, another a weasel's face, another the head of a toad. All, all wore some hideous disguise. Does that mean I get that third point? I'm going to give it to you. Yee!

Nice. Not like a full transformation, but like, you know. Two and a half points? Partial credit. Here, I'm going to put two and a half. They definitely got animal features that's very cool i like that better though that's spooky it's kind of creepy

right it's way creepier than just being turned into a toad you know way creepier yeah and then also i like another reason why i thought like oh this story kind of works for like an october halloweeny story um because it's like very like very like masks and they're calling them disguises. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. For a moment, they stood silent and appalled.

Then with one voice, they began to blame the lord of the manor whose unbelief had brought them into this calamity. With one voice, did I say?

No, with a dozen voices. The hiss of a serpent, the howl of a dog dog the squeal of a pig the quack of a duck the bellowing of a bull for one moment all was uproar and then squealing howling bellowing and hissing they fell upon the lord of the manor who turned and fled now began such a chase nope yeah nope out of there now began such a chase as the world had ever seen before all night long they pursued the fleeing long-eared one among the mountains until at dawn both pursued and pursuers dropped exhausted to the ground and fell into a deep sleep.

Another nap? Yes, they took another nappy nap. They're all tuckered out from all that, you know, horror. Absolutely. It's exhausting. When they woke, they were lying by a waterfall high, high up in the mountains. The sun was shining and far off. They heard the singing of birds.

Their disguises had dropped from them. They were themselves once more. So they went in silence down the mountain, feeling too shattered to speak. There's social batteries at zero. At zero. Yeah. And like their mental health like totally broken only when they found themselves once more among houses and people did their courage return to them we must never ever speak of this said the lord of the manor no never never they all agreed but there you are the lord of the manor was soon again airing his views about the foolishness of believing in demons and such like and his companions who now had little respect for him were soon whispering slyly in his ear

what was it then that you were wearing on your head the other day and what about pig snouts and duck speaks and did we dream of a tavern on the mountains and of tapestries that came alive and of ceilings that poured down rain yeah bro bro bro come on some people so one way or another the story got about and it was told to me and now i have told it to you the end ah that was so good i don't know i feel like he should have gotten more of a punishment though um yeah like apologize to rubasol you know uh yeah it wasn't enough punishment in my opinion that's my fix agreed agreed um what would what would an appropriate punishment have been do you think it's permanently changed into a toad goat bird thing i

don't know i i mean i think that's that's good if he had fallen on his knees and been apologizing to rubezal and showed some respect. I just feel like I don't think it needed to be extra. I think it could have ended the first time all that horrible stuff was happening. Or I guess technically that's the second time. Yeah. Yeah. He has to move out of the mountains.

That I think would have been a great one of like, this actually like chased him away of like, he just, he just leaves. Yeah. Um, I was thinking that it would be good. Like,

cause what I was kind of expecting from that sort of final paragraph was that like, you know, he's once again convinced himself it's all a dream. And he's again, sort of like blaspheming and doubting in Rubazal's power. And then the changes come back and now they're permanent. And that's the punishment.

Yeah, that would be awesome. I gave you a warning. Uh-huh. Well, that was very fun. A little unsatisfying in the end, but overall. Agreed. Yeah. Overall, eight out of 10 spooky story.

Yeah. I really loved everything about it up until, up until the final paragraph. My, my other fix, um, was like, then when they chase him through the mountain, they like roast him on a spit and they eat him. Also a fitting end also i mean i think that ending would have been great you are you're always just trying to eat the rich i really am especially like he's so rude to like all of like i can't like the i cannot abide rudeness to wait staff uh-huh oh yeah no um not okay he's he's rude to his servers and i bet he wasn't gonna tip

either and he's i'm glad i like i think he should be eaten i think his friends should eat him and then they have to go home and like carry this secret with them to their grave and that's what they never speak of is that they hunted him down that's a much better ending i love that thank you like yeah that's the one that's the one so yeah so that's my fix for this story i think perfect fix amazing i love it thank you all right do you have one for me? I do. I wanted to do something different. And I couldn't find my book, so I had to find them online.

But that's okay. I do own this book. So I looked up the definition of a folktale, and it is a story originating in popular culture typically passed on by word of mouth. So this fits. I picked a couple of very short stories from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Yes. Oh my God. This is such a great idea. My millennial heart went, you know what I want to do for Halloween? I want to relive all that trauma that counts as folklore absolutely yes um so and I picked out a few of my favorites

but you'll have to tell me um you'll have to tell me if you remember them. I didn't really remember them super well because it's been ages since I actually read them. I did not read a lot of them as a kid because I was a fraidy cat. Yeah. The book was called Scary Stories to tell in the dark and as a child uh who was very much a very afraid of the dark um who slept with a nightlight until she was like 14 um i was like no no thank you to that yeah well i mean the artwork alone is i feel like the much i feel like the artwork is the scariest part because the stories aren't really that bad but the artwork is

fucked up I need to look up who did the artwork for that real fast oh yeah so in case you don't know Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is a collection of three books written by Alvin Schwartz

and the illustrator is stephen gammill and also someone named brett hellquist in the 2011 edition edition but i think um stephen or steven i'm not sure which one it is probably steven steven gammill uh fucked up artwork super spooky i actually I I know I own the book but I know I also put it somewhere I couldn't see the cover because it's so creepy it's that like skeleton corpse woman yeah the cover of like the front the cover of that book is horrifying like it's cursed so um so you hid it from yourself i did and i like scary shit i did not want her looking at me and now i can't find the book i know it's around here somewhere but i also

know i like i think i took the like cover off you know like how the plastic part comes off you can just have like the hard, uh, hard cover. Anyway, anyway, spooky shit. Um, the first one I'm going to read is the one I remember the most. It's called the bride. Okay.

And it's super short. It's like three, four paragraphs. so just if you don't remember it well enough, why don't you give me one prediction for it? One prediction is the bride. She's a jilted bride. Jilted bride.

Okay. I like it. Okay. Oh, my God, Kelsey. I'm so excited. You're reading from Scary stories at all in the dark i know this scared all of us as kids like this was the scary book it was it was the one oh my gosh this is so great yeah i was like i want to do this i was looking through my books and i was

like you know what would be really fun millennial folklore millennial folklore fuck yeah a young Millennial folklore. Millennial folklore. Fuck yeah. A young couple got married and after the wedding, they held a reception in the bride's grandmother's house. All of their family and friends arrived and they laughed, danced and sang long into the night. After the wedding reception, the guests decided to play a game of hide and seek. decided to play a game of hide and seek. The groom covered his eyes and began counting to a hundred while his new bride and the other guests ran out of the room looking for somewhere to hide. Eventually, the groom had found everyone except his beautiful bride. The other guests began calling out her name and searched everywhere for the young woman. They began to grow more and more uneasy when they couldn't find any trace of her. Eventually, they gave up searching

and everybody assumed that the girl had run away and left her husband. Oh. Which I think is a fair assessment. Yeah. Runaway bride situation. Runaway bride. I regret everything.

Okay. As the weeks went by, the husband accepted that his beautiful bride must have had second thoughts about their marriage he decided to forget about her and go on with his life wow so they yeah okay so like they did not find her like nope she is a master of hide and seek. Maybe he shoved cake in her face when she explicitly told him not to. And he messed up the makeup that she spent hundreds of dollars on. What an asshole.

No, that wasn't it. A few years later, a cleaning lady was dusting the attic when she came across an old trunk. Out of curiosity, she opened it. And inside the trunk, she found the rotting corpse of a young woman still dressed in a bridal gown. There was a wedding ring on one bony finger. It was the missing bride. She must have hidden in the trunk and accidentally locked herself inside. It was impossible to tell whether she had suffocated or starved to death,

but her face was frozen in a silent scream. The end. Oh, my God. And here I'm going to send you the picture because that's the worst part. Oh, my God. Okay. I'll post these to Instagram. Oh, no.

This is why I did not have this book. Yeah, it's fucked up. I am going to be 33 this month when this episode comes out. And I cannot look at this. I can't. Isn't it spooky? It's't it spooky it's so spooky it's so spooky why do our teeth look sharp because it's scarier that way that's true so true oh my god oh the empty socket like because one of her eyes is already like rotted out like that's

disgusting uh psa when you're playing hide and seek don't hide in a trunk or a fridge or maybe just don't play hide and seek hide and seek um uh here's the thing do they not check the attic like did was she not banging in the inside of the trunk going all like oh she's like god damn it i left like i locked myself in like i know right i guess i mean i guess not spooky uh zero fixes i think she would you call that a jilted bride no yeah nope because like my like a jilted bride and my like i i was imagining like a situation where the bride was already dead and so like it's the ghost of a jilted bride that's like attacking some kids yeah was my thought her ghost is jilted j. I mean, she jilted herself out of life.

She jilted herself. All right. She played herself. I've got two more. Because they're very short. Yeah, yeah. Hit me. Very, very short.

This next one is called The Red Spot. So also give me one prediction for the red spot this is going to be based totally off of a horrible movie that uh steven made me watch like called the abcs of death um which like there's it's like a short it's like a short horrible story for every letter of the alphabet um so my prediction is that the red dot is a spider bite that is actually full of spider eggs. Okay. The red spot is a spider bite. The red spot.

One night, a young girl was sleeping in her bed when a spider crawled across her face. It stopped for a few minutes on her left cheek and then it went on its way when she woke i mean that doesn't sound like no well i don't want spider on my face all right she woke up the next morning and looked in the mirror and she noticed a red spot on our cheek what's this she asked her mother it looks like a spider bite her mother replied. It will go away. Just don't scratch it. And soon the small red spot grew into a big red boil. Look at it now. It's getting bigger.

That's something that sometimes happens, her mother said. It's coming to a head. In a few days, the red spot was even larger. Look at it now, said the girl.

It hurts so much and it makes me look so ugly. We'll have the doctor look at it, her mother said. Maybe it's infected. But the doctor couldn't see the girl until the next day. That night, she decided to take a nice, relaxing bath. As she lay soaking in the warm water, the boils suddenly burst and out poured a swarm of tiny spiders from the eggs their mother had laid in her cheeks. The end. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

And there's the picture. I don't want to look at it. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. i hate okay one more and this is probably my favorite it's called herald herald herald herald the name or herald is in like a herald herald is in the name or Harold as in like a Harold Harold as in the name okay

um and this one's a little bit longer why don't you go ahead and give me two predictions ooh okay um

let's see Harold as a child um Harold as the villain Harold is the villain okay I love it here we go Harold is the villain. Okay.

I love it. Here we go. When it got hot in the valley, Thomas and Alfred drove their cows up to a cool green pasture in the mountains to graze. Usually, they stayed there with the cows for two months. They then brought them down to the valley again. The work was easy enough, but it was boring. All day, the two men tended their cows.

At night, they went back to the tiny hut where they lived. They ate supper and worked in the garden and went to sleep. Everything remained the same until Thomas had an idea to make a human-sized scarecrow. Thomas commented on the joy

in a scary storybook, scarecrows are never good cursed thomas commented on the joy of making it and putting it in the garden to scare the crows when alfred heard this he decided to base the appearance of harold on a farmer that they both hate it and they made the doll out of old sacks and stuffed it with straw and gave the scarecrow Harold's characteristics along with naming it after him. Which is rude.

Dun dun dun. But also kind of funny. I don't know. I like these two guys. They sound like they're kind of a hoot. They're like Yeah, they're bored. It's kind of harmless. Yeah they're like yeah they're bored they're like it's kind of harmless yeah whatever or is it i mean no because it's it's scariest stories to tell in the dark um but you know each morning on their way to pasture they tied harold to a pole in the garden to scare

away the birds each night they brought him inside so that he wouldn't get ruined if it rained. That sounds like you're taking good care of Harold. Yeah. They like this Harold. I feel like this is so me too. When they were feeling playful, they would talk to him.

One of them might say, How are the vegetables growing today, Harold? And the other, making believe he was Harold, would answer in a crazy voice, very slowly. They would both laugh, but not Harold. These guys sound so funny. I agree. Whenever something went wrong, they took it out on Harold. Oh.

They would curse at him, even kick him or punch him. Okay. They would curse at him, even kick him or punch him. Sometimes one of them would take the food they were eating, which they were both sick of, and smear it on the doll's face. How do you like that stew, Harold? He would ask. Well, you better eat it or else. And then the two men would howl with laughter. One night after Thomas had wiped Harold's face with food harold grunted did you hear that

alfred asked it was harold thomas said i was watching it when it happened i can't believe it how could he grunt alfred asked he's just a sack of struts not possible let's throw him in the fire thomas said and that'll be that i okay here's yeah no actually i respect it like i really appreciate a scary story protagonist who at the first sign that something's weird here uh-huh just jump straight to destroy it yep i'm on thomas's side 100%. 100%. Good for Thomas. Alfred, on the other hand, says, let's not do anything stupid. We don't know what's going on. When we move the cows down, we'll leave him behind.

For now, let's just keep an eye on him. This means Thomas is going to be the final girl in this story. The final girl. That is such a bad idea, Alfred. Like, why? Why do you mean? He likes him is he worked really hard on him he did so they left harold sitting in the corner of the hut they didn't talk to him or take him outside anymore now and then the doll grunted but that was all no No big deal. That's fine. It's totally fine. It's just a doll we made that, you know, makes noise on its own.

Yeah. After a few days, they decided there was nothing to be afraid of. Maybe a mouse or some insects had gotten inside Harold and they were making those sounds. So Thomas and Alfred went back to their old ways. Each morning they put Harold out in the garden and each night they brought him back to the hut. When they felt playful, they joked with him. When they felt mean, they treated him as badly as ever. Then one night Alfred noticed something that frightened him. Harold is growing,

he said. I was thinking the same thing, Thomas said. Maybe it's just our imagination, Alfred replied. We have been up here on this mountain for too long. The next morning, while they were eating, Harold stood up and walked out of the hut. He climbed up on the roof and trotted back and forth like a horse on his hind legs. Oh my God. All day and night, he trotted like that.

And in the morning, Harold climbed down and stood in a far corner of the pasture. The men had no idea what he would do next. They were afraid. Yeah. Get the fuck out of there. You should leave. Ditch them cows. Yeah are those are harold's cows now yeah that's when you leave for sure you you missed you missed exit one when you didn't

burn it uh-huh this is exit two and you should take well they decided to take the cows down into the valley that same day, which is smart. When they left, Harold was nowhere in sight. They felt as if they had escaped a great danger and began joking and singing. Which is also... Mistake. Yeah. Classic horror mistake. Classic horror mistake.

Yep. When they had gone only a mile or two they realized they had forgotten to bring the milking stools oh no you don't get another one of those anywhere else yeah there there are no stools or like handy handy like tree trunks or rocks or whatever that you can sit on instead like let's go back to the pasture with the murder scarecrow well neither one of them wanted to go back for them but the stools would cost a lot to replace which i don't believe even a little it would cost a lot meaning your life is there something like special about them like no i have milked a cow once i sat upon something like but it wasn't especially like important what it was like special milking stool yeah

has their names engraved on it maybe their wives would be super bespoke back? Well, there really is nothing to be afraid of, they told one another. After all, what can a doll do? They decided to draw straws to see which one would go back, and when they did, Thomas, our final girl, was the one to go back. After Thomas

told Alfred that he would catch up with him, Alfred walked toward the valley. But when Alfred came to a rise in the path, he looked back for Thomas and he didn't see him anywhere. But he did see Harold. The doll was on the roof of the hut again. And as Alfred watched, Harold kneeled and stretched out a bloody skin to dry in the sun. The end. bloody skin to dry in the sun the end oh my god thomas was not the final girl nope r.i.p thomas rip and here is a picture of harold

terrifying i mean any scarecrow would be terrifying. I mean, scarecrows in general, but this scarecrow looks like Chucky. Yeah, it does. It totally looks like Chucky. Like, this thing is freaky. Yeah, I can't remember. Anyway. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Awful. Wow. Awful. Crazy. Awful. Crazy. I mean, do you have any fixes for that one? Oh gosh. No.

I think I honestly, I like all of these. I think they're pretty great. As is. Me too. Any fixes? Nope. Nope. No fixes at all.

The one thing that like I was thinking about as you were reading all three of them though is like how much they do sound a lot like the fairy tales that we read in terms of like structure and like the style the style of storytelling like they really are meant to be like told aloud and they're like um very like archetypal and like I just – oh, so like so fun. I was thinking. I was like, you know, that would be really fun and a little different. And I know all of our, you know, fellow millennials that read these books growing up would probably appreciate it. So –

Absolutely. These are classics. Such classics. Very fun. There's a bunch more. So maybe we'll read some more um next year gosh please do we're just when i feel like it because there's some fun ones i also really remember liking um the pale lady and the thing oh the thing there's just there's a lot of them and all the illustrations are fucking terrifying so thank you for the nightmare fuel uh steven or stefan

gammel yeah right i think thanks for nothing yeah the stories themselves aren't that spooky. The illustrations, I put that book away because I didn't want to look at it. Yep. It's absolutely the illustrations that make that book what it is. so much for listening to fairy tale fix. We're so excited to be getting into fall and telling each other horrifying stories for a month. Like episode October has like three episodes in it for, if you're a patron and they're all going to be Halloween themed. So, you know,

now would be a good time to sign up for our Patreon. If you go to fairy tale fix dot cash. So you can get that fourth episode and if you otherwise like you just love us like you you but you don't have any money to give us or you just don't want to give us any money which that's fair yeah that's fine you can still interact with us by finding us on social media um i have pretty much stopped using our Twitter at all. That's funny. I'm just not there anymore.

What? I haven't been on Twitter in so long. Yeah. You know, it's, it's, it's, I'm not going to get into it. But Kelsey does keep our Instagram so active and so fun. So you can go check us out over on Instagram. We also have a TikTok that you can go follow.

And you can always just email us at info at fairytalefixpod.com or join our Discord. If you want to share things with us, chit chat, we have a good time over there. And so the Lord of the Manor was hunted by his boon companions throughout the night till finally at the top of the mountain, they killed him. And then they roasted his body over a spit and ate it. And then when they woke up in the morning, all of their animalistic abnormalities had vanished and they took it as a sign from Rubizol that their trials were ended and they went back home and they agreed to never,

ever speak of this again. And my story stayed exactly the same because they were spooky and I don't know. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect endings. Mwah, chef's kiss. Mwah.

And they all lived. Honestly, none of them in any of these stories. And no one lived. Except for Harold. Happily ever after. The end.