Fairy Tale Fix - 74: Little Red Riding Hood: Inside You Are Two Werewolves

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

If you gave Red Riding Hood a nickel every time a wolf tried to eat her, she’d have two nickels. Not a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice right? Kelsey finally gets to tell her favorite childhood fairy tale, and surprises Abbie with the sequel she never knew existed! After that, Abbie tells the Taiwanese folktale of Aunt Tiger - a badass immortal witch who comes with sweets and an appetite for children.

Finally, he stretched the wolf. Sorry. Sorry. I was clarifying. cursed cursed cursed welcome to fairy tale fix a what the fuck fairy tale podcast what the fuck what the fuck we've tried recording this episode like a few times it keeps getting rescheduled and my internet keeps fucking up and this whole thing is just cursed. So we hope you enjoy the show. I'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. And there really does seem to be some kind of malevolent spirit that does not want us to do our Halloween episode, which is a real shame. Yeah, it is our spooky, cursed

Halloween episode. And as soon as we started doing it in silence, I realized I didn't even have the show notes up. It's just... It's all falling apart. It's all falling... You know what? It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. It is. We're going to get through it. We're going to make it happen. We normally record like a month in advance. This episode comes out next week. It's going to be so timely. So everything we say is going to be so relevant. Yeah, right up to the moment. Maybe we'll decide we love it so much. We do it like this all the time and really just live on the edge as far as having episodes recorded. Absolutely. It's not going to stress anybody out at all whatsoever. I think you, me, and Dustin will all be perfectly sanguine and very fine. You know, a lot of people record their podcasts that way, and it surprises me. Like, they record it days before it releases, and I'm just wild.

And it's impressive, you know? Yeah. Some people like to live dangerously. Oh, gosh. So how are you doing, Abby? Well, Kelsey, and listeners, I come to you with a few new gray hairs. Just a few? Just a few. I'm honestly, you know, we'll see. As my hair continues to grow out for the next couple of months we'll see if it hasn't all just turned just absolutely shock white i wouldn't be surprised i wouldn't blame your your hair yeah and and it might even be a cool look and i'll thank i'll thank something for it someday

anyway the thing is uh i have spent the last couple of days days in the emergency room where I took my partner early, early, early on Friday morning. How early? Like 3 a.m. Yeah. Like so the middle of the night. So middle of the night. On Friday morning, he woke. He he'd been feeling kind of bad before I went to bed, but he thought it was just kind of like a normal stomach ache slash food poisoning.

And he was just, you know, going to wait it out and maybe call in sick to work the next day. But then he woke me up at three in the morning and asked me like to take him to the hospital. Yeah. Oh, poor Steven. It was awful. It was awful. He was breathless with pain. Like he couldn't even talk because he was clenching his jaw so hard and trying to take very shallow breaths.

That must have been so terrifying. It was very, very scary. Mostly for me. Both of you. Yeah. I bet Steven thought he was going to die. He did think he, like, I mean, you know, when else do you ever go to the emergency room is if you think that, like, you need emergency medical attention or you might die. Oh, poor Steven and poor Abby. I'm so sorry for both of you. It was terrible. Terrible.

Easily, possibly the worst four hours of my life so far. Yeah. Oh. But anyway, so we got to the, like, it turned out like he had appendicitis and needed immediate surgery. Just fucking appendicitis. I know. Just useless organ. For something that, like, so I thought it was useless your whole life but the doctors told me that it's actually only use it's useful for

like the for like in early childhood like it helps boost your immune system in early childhood and then it shrivels up and becomes a useless organ as your body moves on to regulating your immune system in other ways. Yeah. But anyway, it's useless now. And almost killed Stephen, despite being pointless. Anyway, so this is a PSA to anyone like, because Stephen didn't actually know that appendicitis is a thing somehow. Like it was just one of the gaps in his knowledge. Oh, huh.

So he, so that's all. So, you know, PSA to anybody else that like might just not know what appendicitis is. Your appendix appendix is a tiny little tube of flesh that dangles off of your intestines that you don't need anymore as an adult, but occasionally can become inflamed, infective, and possibly rupture. And if that

happens, you need immediate surgery. Like I'm talking within 48 hours or you might die. Oh, that's so crazy. Freaking crazy. So like intense stomach pain. Yeah. Intense stomach pain is very, very worrying. It's probably not food poisoning. You should seek a doctor's attention immediately. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's so scary. Yeah. It was terrible. Well well usually it only happens like in between the ages of 12 and 30 like steven's actually a little bit of an outlier yeah um it's usually like a younger problem that's so crazy yeah freaking crazy anyway so the whole ordeal was about 48 hours of talking to nurses doctors and waiting around to be put on the surgery

schedule but then more emergencies kept happening all day and so we kept getting pushed farther and farther back because and this is good steven was not like imminently going to die anymore because they'd gotten him like painkillers and antibiotics and stuff but yeah so so it's good that he wasn't a priority but it also was still like exhausting and hair racing and anyway i'm i've had a terrible i've had a terrible terrible weekend i'm sorry oh my gosh not as terrible as steven but yeah seriously that fucking sucks i'm so sorry you both had to go through that like it's scary and it's it's just uh that's not there's no fun no no it's terrible well um I sent Stephen a little care package I so one of them is coming today I'm really excited for you to get it

it's a I'm gonna tell you what it is it's a little appendix plushie. And it's an appendix plushie? Because it made me laugh. It's all cute and shit. Like a little pillow appendix plushie. Oh my god. He's going to love it so much. I'm so excited to give it to him.

So Steven can beat it up too. He can punch it and stuff and be like stupid appendix. Although it's very cute. You replaced his appendix. That's very sweet of you. Well, he actually was kind of bummed. We were driving home yesterday and he was kind of upset that he hadn't remembered that he'd wanted to ask the doctors if he could keep it. Oh, yeah.

If that was possible. I wonder. I bet it is. I bet it is, right bet i bet they'll be like sure if you want like so now he can have he can have his appendix a symbolic a symbolic appendix in adorable fleshy form i'm so excited you're adorable thank you for that that's so sweet well he's fortunately not on bed on bed rest they were able to do it lap laparoscopically that's which is so just like a lot of like small

incisions um they didn't have to like cut him wide so he doesn't have like that big scar he doesn't have a huge scar um he's got he's got like three very tiny incisions um so he's not on bed rest yeah he just has like a little stomach brace to help him move around yeah and uh and he should be he's not allowed to pick anything up for the next six weeks or so oh my god six weeks it's gonna take a long time for them to heal like the recovery time time is long, but like he's, he's up and around and moving around. He's downstairs gaming. Like he usually would be on a Sunday.

Can he, does he have to like have a special diet or anything? Nope. He can eat normally. He can eat normally. Um, like literally the only thing you can't do right now is like bend over and pick the cat up.

Oh, poor Bree. Now she's suffering too. It's okay. I pick her up and then hand her to him. There you go. So we have a system. It's called I pick stuff up and give it to him.

That's a great system. Yeah. Well, what a wild thing to happen. That's so just random. yeah super random no thank you to any of the things that have happened in the last couple of days for real fuck that shit oh my god thank you for letting me complain about it i have been i've been dying too you know what i think that's a good pA, like intense stomach pain. I think people,

you know, would probably just assume it was nothing. So look out for yourself and. Yeah. Yeah. Look out for yourself. And also like, I wish I'd said something.

Cause like, I do know. Cause like my, my dad was telling my dad, you know, told me when I was growing up that like he like he had appendicitis when he was 12 and so he got his out so i know what appendicitis is and that like and and when he mentioned that he had like really intense stomach pain like on thursday

night that like he felt really bad i almost said like oh do you think it's appendicitis but like i don't know i was like no it's probably not he's too he's too old so i didn't i didn't mention it i didn't know there was even like kind of an age like gap or like an age range for that but i mean you know that's that just goes to show you that it's just kind of like yeah like even if like it tends to happen around like in between those years that's not you're not you're not 100% out of the woods just because you're older than 29. So FYI. Well, thank you for the PSA. And speaking of the woods.

Oh, my goodness. The woods. What about the woods, Kelsey? We have a very special episode today because today for Halloween we decided to do my favorite childhood fairy tale. Yes. Little Red Riding Hood. Yes.

Little Red Riding Hood. You should Little friend riding hood. You should ride the kink hood. Or something like that. I don't know. Is that a song? Yeah, there's a song. Uh-huh. We go with Hello Little Girl, which is creepy.

That's the Red Riding Hood song. Hello little girl. What's your rush? You're missing all the flowers. That's a great song, actually, though. It's an incredible song. But it is creepy. So I love Little Red Riding Hood.

It's my favorite childhood fairy tale. And I'm excited to finally talk about it. I feel a little nervous, too, though. Oh, no, Don't be nervous. It's such a good one. I just, I love it. I think because, so I was actually in a play for Little Red Riding Hood when I was in second or third grade. and it was a like 50s kind of version where the big bad wolf wore a leather jacket and was like a greaser and and my crush my third grade crush brett miller played the wolf so

and my my best friend veronica got to play Little Red Riding Hood. It's so cute. I have a really cute picture. I was a burdette. So I was like a side character. Yeah. I had a song and everything. It was like a musical.

That's so cute. It was like you had like the 50s skirt with like the little ponytail and with her, I think there were three burdettes and we got to like sing a song or something. That's so adorable. It was very cute. Did Veronica also have a crush on Brett Miller? I don't know. I don't think so. She just had a great singing voice and wanted to be a little red riding head. She was awesome at it. She does have a great singing voice. I'm very proud of her. Um, and then, so I feel like I, I've ever since then. And also I have, think I've mentioned this in the past. My great aunt Froney had like a stuffed animal that it

wasn't like a stuffed animal. It was like a doll a doll right and on one side it was the grandmother and then if you flipped her skirt over it was little red riding hood on the other side oh yeah i think you showed me that doll do you still have it no i have no idea what happened to it which makes me really sad i wish i still had it but i loved that thing so that that's, I think, another reason that it was kind of my favorite. Not so much like even just the story itself, but I just like, you know, I love red. It's always been my favorite color. It's in the woods and there's a wolf. And it can be sexy. I feel you on that one. Sometimes it's like, it's not the story, it's the vibes. Yeah. It's like in the woods I love all like little red riding hood artwork I actually have a whole

Pinterest board just called red dedicated to stuff like artwork and vibes and photos and stuff that make me think of little red riding hood so and also I feel like it's just always been like present. I just I see it everywhere. Like even Amy Lee kind of dresses up like Little Red Riding Hood and her Call Me When You're Sober video. And I love that. So it's like my favorite band. And I just remember when that came out, I was like, I was meant to be. Oh, my God.

Like, I felt like kismet. Yeah, definitely like a bunch like recurring recurring theme in your life red riding hood references keep popping up they do and one year i remember there used to be this little like costume shop um called alley cat costumes oh yeah i remember and i remember driving by it was just just like a year-round costume shop. And I remember driving by one year and they had like a mannequin with a Little Red Riding Hood outfit on it, but it had the wolf mask. And I thought that was so cool. I was like, yeah, we're Wolf Red Riding Hood. And I've been obsessed ever since.

Did you ever actually end up doing that as a Halloween costume? Because I remember you talking about being so inspired by that, that that was a costume you wanted to do. So, yeah, I did do Little Red Riding Hood as a costume, but I don't think I ever actually did the werewolf. I had this like great idea to like if I was at a Halloween party or something to like make the transformation happen overnight. So like I would start off as Little Red Riding Hood and then I would like go in the bathroom and do like a big scar on my face or something and then add teeth later. And then I just got like the mask by the end of the night. I was like, that would be so cool. But I never did it. I mean, I still am. I mean, keep that one locked and loaded. I know. I just think that's fun. I was like, that's such a great idea. Like long press on nails. Like, yeah, just later in the evening or whatever. That is such a fun idea. Right? I thought it was cute. Yeah, just huge inspiration. And then obviously Trick or Treat is one of my favorite Halloween movies. And there's a werewolf riding hood at that.

And it's Anna Paquin, who is absolutely stunning. Oh, it's just the best. Really favorite. I love how often like werewolf, like, I mean, it's an obvious trajectory. But just because it's obvious doesn't make it not awesome. I agree. To have were it not awesome. I agree. To have Werewolf Red Riding Hood. I agree wholeheartedly.

It's very fun. I didn't, surprisingly though, I didn't like that movie, Little Red Riding Hood, with what's her name? Amanda Seyfried. And we've definitely complained about this before. Did we see that movie together? Yes. I think we were really excited about it and then we were just so like

we really, really wanted her to go with her dad and be the werewolf. We're like, that would be so awesome. And she's like, no, I want to stay with my boyfriend or whatever. Yeah. Her dad is a werewolf. He's killing all the townspeople. And then at the end of the movie, he's like, he's like, you should come with me and be a werewolf too. And she's like,

no, that would be wrong. Yeah. Don't kill my boyfriend. That was awesome. I know. I mean, it's a hot take wanting her to go with her father and be a werewolf and also kill the townspeople.

I'm sure there are hot. Yes, absolutely. There are probably like hot werewolves that are not. I mean, her dad was hot, but not to her. And that's good. Gary Oldman. Was he Gary Oldman? I think it was Gary Oldman that played that.

I think it was. I think it was the dad from Twilight. Let me see. We're going to look this up right now i did not re-watch that movie i just don't remember liking it that much it's a bad movie that's why i think this is this does not count as strike breaking because we're actively telling you not to see it it's terrible we're don't we're it only gets five out of ten stars on IMDb. We are not promoting it. Yeah, I didn't like it. It's bad.

I've never really liked any kind of retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. I always feel like they could have done something more fun. Gary Oldman's in it. So Gary Oldman's the monster hunter. Oh, okay. And then her dad is Billy Burke, who played Charlie in Twilight. Oh, okay. Oh, that's funny.

He did. Wasn't this movie kind of like... So if you want to listen to a great... If you want to hear more about this movie and just just about little red riding hood retellings in general uh slippers and spindles did a fucking fantastic series for little red riding hood i really enjoyed it i think it's funny cassie really hates the werewolf red riding hood trope and i love it i mean everyone is allowed to have their own wrong opinions. Yeah, exactly. It was such a fun.

So yeah, I definitely recommend going and listening to that. I think they did it last October. And I enjoyed the series. I thought that was my favorite one that they did. But beyond that, like, I don't know, like, I feel about Red Riding Hood the same way that I feel about like sleeping beauty in the sense that like great vibes the story itself isn't necessarily like the best part yeah um or like or like why you relate to it and like kind of looking into red writing hood red writing hood red writing hood's history as a story really kind of reinforces that because it's very much about sort of like virginity and sexuality and being like preyed upon and like

yeah becoming a woman becoming a woman and it's very like so it's very something yeah in its themes but yeah but it's still so so that's why i think adaptations of it don't work on me yeah i totally see that yeah um so red riding hood does have some interesting history i'm not gonna get in like super deep into it because it's but it is like one of the oldest uh known like folk tales that's been told um according to wikipedia uh pre-17th century european folk tales which is like i don't know that's so cool that it's just a story that's been told across general like it transcends cultures um it's been told just over and over um the version you probably know is either by charles perot or the brothers grim um but there's also like an italian version there's um you know there's even like an afric African folk tale that is similar.

Oh, are you going to read one? Maybe. Ooh, is that what you chose? I might've, I might've found, I might've found it.

The African version. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, there is a version from Andrew Lang's red fairy book that I really love. And it's, um,

a version where maybe to talk about this after I read it, you know, I'm going to talk about that that I really love. And it's a version where, maybe I should talk about this after I read it. You know, I'm going to talk about it after I read it. Okay. But it sounds really cool. And I'm like, ooh, that would actually be a good fix. So which version are you telling us? So the version I'm going to tell is the version I grew up with.

And I went Brothers Grimm. Brothers Grimm, baby. Oh, yeah. But yeah I'll tell you how it ended in different different tales. There's a lot of different endings honestly. But yeah I'm just gonna get into it. I'm so excited.

I'm love that we're doing this story. Me too. Finally. And it's such a good like Halloween because you get dressed up spooky woods costumes woods yeah sweets grandma i don't know how that's how i mean but okay here we go little red cap roth the roth captain i don't know how to say that in German. I probably butchered that so bad. Okay. 85.

It feels weird not having you give me predictions. I know. Because, yeah, it is kind of weird. All right. It is a pretty short fairy tale. So, yeah. Hopefully this episode doesn't suck. Okay.

No, this episode is fucking awesome it's awesome already red riding hood rules um and in this version it's little red cap okay i little red riding hood hit me once upon a time there was a sweet little maiden whoever laid eyes upon her couldn't help but love her. But it was her grandmother who could never give the child enough. One day she made her a present, a small red velvet cap. And since it was so becoming and the maiden always wanted to wear it, people only called her Little Red Riding Hood. I'm changing it to Riding Hood. I like it. I don't know. I stand that. I think you should. I'm going to take the creative liberties here.

Okay. Oh, hang on. Tangential question. Have you ever loved an item of clothing that you owned so much that people would nickname you over it? No, definitely not. Have you? No, I don't think so. But what made me, reminded me of that was like, there was a brief period No, I don't think so. But what made me reminded me of that was like,

there was a brief period in, I think, like junior year of high school, where there was like this white knit poncho thing that I owned that I wore all the time. My mom just sent me a picture of like, me wearing it. And I was like, Oh, yeah. That's cute um i loved i loved that thing to death it got really ratty and actually kind of changed color into kind of like a beige because i wore it so much um that's and i'm just imagining what if people had named me little white poncho i know just start calling me start calling you a little white poncho. Please don't. Why does that sound like a little white poncho? A little white poncho. Yeah, that's weird.

Why would anybody just call you what you wear all the time? I don't know. People have their signature looks. Yeah. You know? They've People have their signature looks. Yeah. You know? They've got their style. Mm-hmm. You don't usually call them that.

No. You wear a lot of black t-shirts. I don't call you black t-shirt. I love it so much. Sierra Nevada sweater. Hashtag not sponsored. Definitely. Sorry, go on.

One day her mother said to her, Come, little Red Riding Hood, take this piece of cake and a bottle of wine and bring them to your grandmother. She's sick and weak, and this will strengthen her. Be nice and good and greet her for me. Go directly there and don't stray from the path, otherwise you'll fall and break the glass, and your grandmother will get nothing. Little Red Riding Hood promised to obey her mother.

Well, the grandmother lived out in the forest, about half an hour from the village, and as soon as Little Red Riding Hood entered the forest, she encountered the wolf hello little girl however little red riding hood didn't know what a wicked sort of animal that he was and was not afraid of him good day little red riding hood wait Ooh, are you doing a sexy voice for the wolf? Obviously. Yes.

Good day. Good day, Little Red Riding Hood. Hi. Thank you kindly, wolf. Where are you going so early, Little Red Riding Hood? How does he know her name? Kelsey, that is such a good question. I'm just- And not just like her name name her nickname yeah interesting like he doesn't know she wears that every day or does he or does he oh there's a stalker angle on this

to grandmothers i don't know why i want to give her like a stupid voice. To grandmothers. Being a little transatlantic. To grandmothers. What are you carrying under your apron? Cake and wine. My grandmother's sick and weak and yesterday we baked this cake so it'll help her get well. Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood? Where do you live? He already knows because he knows her name.

Her answer is so specific too. About a quarter of an hour from here in the forest, her house is under the three big oak trees. You can tell it by the hazel bushes, said Little Red Riding Hood. She's specific, girl. Yeah. why would you tell him don't tell people where you live it is a very good it is a good like story about not talking to strangers like you know the wolf thought to himself what a juicy morsel she'll be for me now how am i going to catch her then he said said, listen, Little Red

Riding Hood, haven't you seen the beautiful flowers growing in the forest? Why don't you look around? I believe you haven't even noticed how lovely the birds are singing. You march along as if you were going straight to school in the village, yet it's so delightful out here in the woods. Little Red Riding Hood looked around and saw that the sun had broken through the trees and that the woods were full of beautiful flowers. So she thought to herself, if I bring grandmother a bunch of flowers, she'd certainly like that. It's still early. I'll arrive on time. So she plunged into the woods to look for flowers. And each time she plucked one, she thought she saw another even prettier flower and ran after it going deeper anded into the woods to look for flowers. And each time she plucked one, she thought she saw another even prettier flower and ran after it, going deeper and deeper into the forest.

But the wolf went straight to Granny's house and knocked at the door. Oh, dear. Who's there? Little Red Riding Hood, I've brought you some cake and wine open up just lift the latch the grandmother called i'm too weak and can't get up her grandma oh she can't even keep her door locked the wolf lifted the latch and the door sprang open. Then he went straight into the grandmother's bed and gobbled her up. Next, he took her clothes and put them along with her nightcap, lay down in her bed and drew the curtains,

which is so great. Like just what a, what a plan, you know? He's an enterprising wolf. Yeah, wolf's gotta eat. Absolutely. And instead of, like, using your superior speed, strength, and ability to navigate the woods to chase the child that doesn't know what she's doing through it, you decided a better plan would be to go kill the old woman and then dress up in her clothes to lure the child it's genius foolproof i think the wolf is bored i think he's bored i love it so much

i also think that's a great costume it's when it's the wolf but it's also wearing grandmother's clothes absolutely it's so good and i love that this story is just so old too it's so funny to me like i don't know it's just adorable i know i do i love it when we do ones like this. I guess all fairy tales, but especially really, really old ones. We've been telling each other this story for literally hundreds of years. I know. It's amazing. Probably thousands in some form. All right. Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood had been running around and looking for flowers.

And only when she had as many as she could carry did she continue on the way to her grandmother, which is actually really sweet. Yeah. She was puzzled when she found the door open. As she entered the room, it seemed so strange inside that she thought, Oh my God, how frightened I feel today, and usually I like to be at grandmother's. Then she went into the bed and drew back the curtains. And there lay her grandmother with her cap pulled down over her face,

giving her a strange appearance. Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have. The better to hear you with. Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have. The better to see you with oh grandmother what big eyes you have the better to see you with oh grandmother what big hands you have the better to grab you with that's creepy yeah um i think in another version it's better to hug you with yeah which is like more grandmotherly. Grab you with is definitely like, that's a no. Oh, grandmother, what a terribly big mouth you have. All the better to eat you with. No sooner did the wolf say that and he jumped out of bed and gobbled up poor little red riding hood.

Which she kind of deserves because she's very stupid. You know what? Maybe she couldn't afford glasses and she had really poor vision. I mean, she noticed something was off. She did, but I feel like that's a giant wolf snoot coming out from underneath her grandmother's cap. Her eyesight. You know, she needed glasses real bad she's okay i guess so are you being a little ableist i guess i'll take it um i suppose it depends on how blind it depends on just how poor her eyesight is. If everything is just a blur. Yeah.

Then I forgive her. I really do. There's like a fridge magnet that says like, anytime I feel dumb, I remember that at least I was in Little Red Riding Hood. I couldn't tell the difference between my grandmother and a wolf or something like that. It's so cute. There's so many good memes with this. Words to live by.

That's so cute. There's so many good memes with this. Words to live by. After the wolf had the fat chunks in his body, he laid down in bed again, fell asleep, and began to snore very loudly. Enter the huntsman. Enter huntsman. Happened to be passing by the house and thought to himself, the way the old woman's snoring, you'd better see if something's wrong.

That's sweet. Everybody except for the wolf is so nice in this story. Yeah, this is clearly a really lovely, tight-knit community of really helpful people. Yeah. Good for them.

He went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw the wolf lying in it. He'd been searching for the wolf for a long time and thought that the beast had certainly eaten the grandmother perhaps she can still be saved he said to himself i won't shoot so smart and probably handsome presumably so he took some scissors and cut open the wolf's belly after he made a couple of cuts he he saw the Little Red Riding Hood shining forth. And after we made a few more cuts,

the little girl jumped out and exclaimed, oh, how frightened I was. It was so dark in the wolf's body. Soon the grandmother emerged alive. Yay. Little Red Riding Hood quickly fetched some large heavy stones and they filled the wolf's body with them.

When he awoke and tried to run away, the stones were so heavy that he fell down at once and died. All three were delighted. The huntsman skinned the fur from the wolf. Grandmother ate the cake and drank the wine. The little red riding hood had brought and Red Riding Hood thought to herself, never again will you stray from the path by yourself and go into the

forest when your mother has forbidden it. The end. The end. But there is a little hold on, there is like a little I think alternative ending. Ooh, okay. That I want to read. It's also been told

that Little Red Riding Hood returned to her grandmother one day to bring some baked goods. Another wolf spoke to her and tried to entice her to leave the path. I know,

it happened again. I did not know this. But this time, Little Red Riding Hood was on her guard. Yes. She went straight ahead and told her grandmother

that she had seen the wolf and that he had wished her a good day. He had had such a mean look in his eye that he would have eaten me if we hadn't been on the open road. Come, said the grandmother. We'll lock the door so we can't get in. And soon after, the wolf knocked and cried out, open up, grandmother. It's Little Red Riding Hood.

I've brought you some baked goods. Oh, my God. But they kept quiet and didn't open the door. So the wicked wolf circled the house several times and finally jumped on top of the roof. He wanted to wait till evening when Little Red Riding Hood would go home. He intended to sneak after her

and eat her up in the darkness. Oh, my God. I feel like it would be better if it was the same wolf like i'm glad i agree and because like it's a little it's a little strange that it's like a second wolf i i a second wolf really there are two in the woods. Okay. But the grandmother realized what he had in mind. In front of the house was a big stone trough, and she said to the child,

Fetch the bucket, Little Red Riding Hood. I cooked sausages yesterday. Get the water they were boiled in and pour it into the trough. Little Red Riding Hood kept carrying the water until she had filled the big big trough. Then the smell of sausages reached the nose of the wolf. He sniffed and looked down. I know. What a plan.

Or you could just spend the night and wait till morning to go. Yeah. Or like light I don't know. Or get a gun. Get a gun? Those woods are full of wolves. Does the hunter have like a

bow and arrow situation? Well, he said I wouldn't shoot, so I'm assuming he has like a rifle. Yeah. I guess this is an old story, though. I'm sure he's got some kind of projectile weapon projectile finally the wolf stretched his neck so far that he could no

longer keep his balance on the roof he began to slip from the roof and fell right into the big trough and drowned then little red riding hood went happily and safely to her home. The end. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. I know, there's a sequel. There's a sequel. I love it. I feel like having it be a sequel, like the sequel story makes the metaphor for

like adult male predator even more complete. Yeah. Because now it's like this time when a creepy man tried to talk to me on the road i said leave me alone and i kept walking because i learned um so in the charles perot version she just gets eaten and she dies her and her grandma both just die i have never heard the version where they just die yeah um i'll read you the end real fast and charles he he has like a a moral like a paragraph about the moral oh of course he does which is really funny so yeah all

the better to eat you with and saying these words this wicked this wicked wolf fell upon little red riding hood and ate her up and that's the end and it says moral children especially this is so fucking stupid children especially attractive well-bred young ladies, should never talk to strangers, for if they should do so, they may well provide dinner for a wolf. I say, quotes, wolf, but there are various kinds of wolves. Yeah, we get it, Charles. Oh, actually, this is true. There are those who are charming, quiet, polite, unassuming, complacent, and sweet who pursue young women at home and in the streets.

And unfortunately, it is these gentle wolves who are the most dangerous of all. Actually, all right. There's some nuggets of truth in there. Yeah. The first part. The first part is a little victim blamey. Uh-huh. Yeah. especially.

It's your responsibility. Young ladies. Yeah. Well bred. Yeah. Attractive, well bred young ladies. It is your responsibility to not get eaten by the wolves. But, you know, there's, you know, he is right that sometimes uh wolves wolves come in very

surprising shapes it's true so so there's the red riding hood ah it's so much fun i love it it's kind of like a funny story and i feel like there are a few different endings where like, yeah, I remember reading that about the other ending where there's like a second wolf and they drown him. I've also seen one where they like throw him in the river with his belly full of rocks. So yeah.

Yeah. The version I think I remember the most is this one where they fill him up with like rocks and he just he fell down dead which is a funny like way to end a story just that i think so well especially since it's like he like he fell down dead and they were all really happy and then they had cake and wine yeah that's cute it is cake and wine celebrated um there is another there's other versions where little red riding hood actually like saves herself which is my fix i like that i like that idea much better where she outwits the wolf. Yeah. There's one version.

I can't remember where it's from at this point, but they like, like she pretends to need to use the bathroom and she, and the wolf gives her like a little string to make sure that she isn't like escaping, but she like puts it on something else and tricks him and gets away, which I really like. But then i guess grandma doesn't get saved maybe she goes and gets the hunter and then he comes and i mean because the hunter can still be in the story absolutely and especially if like the wolf is swallowing people whole uh and not like actually chewing them up at

all yeah then yeah like i i like that where like red riding hood uses her wits to escape and then goes and gets help which you should yep and she's a little girl i mean it'd also be great if she just like finds machete and saves grandma herself also excellent also an excellent choice or she gets bit by the wolf and becomes a werewolf that's the fix for the story i'm sorry like that's always the fix for the story is she gets swallowed by the werewolf and instead of being like digested she absorbs i don't know whatever wolfiness is going on in there and then rips her way free from the inside oh that's amazing he rips her way i love that so much it's nasty out of the wolf she walks out of the wolf and so does grandma and so now

they're like another team of werewolves grandma granddaughter duo that'd be so cute i know i think that actually sounds pretty awesome and that's the like beginning of the werewolf story from trick-or-treat oh because they're all like the foundation of that bloodline yeah oh okay um there's also so andrew helang has a version in the red fairy book that sounds awesome i think it's really similar so i'm probably not gonna like read it but it's called the true history of little golden hood so obviously she has like a golden cap instead. And I love this. The girl is saved, but not by the huntsman. When the wolf tries to eat her,

its mouth is burned by the golden hood she wears, which is enchanted. I love that. I know. Isn't that fun? It's magic. It's magic. Does it say who enchanted the hood?

You know what? No. if her grandma still made it maybe it's like her grandma's love saves her that's cute yeah i think that's sweet i love that her love saves her and herself probably it's a little self-involved love, but. Um, oh, and I also, gosh,

sorry, I didn't write notes for this and I really should have. The magic of editing is going to make all this sound really good. Hell yeah it is. I don't care. People can know. I, I had so much time to prepare for this episode and I did nothing.

I am the worst. We rescheduled this so many times and I still did nothing. So I feel like I deserve to have people know that. But I want to give – the Brothers Grimm heard this story from Jeanette Hassanplug. And the second story, the second part of it by Marie

Hassanplug. I'm not sure how you say that. So Jeanette and Marie, good job. Credit where credit is due. I love it. I love that they like know that that it's in the name i'm surprised it's not in the book you know like yeah that because like it's you know we know that they collected these stories by talking to like the locals in various german towns and villages like i'm kind of surprised that like the names are not recorded in the book. Yeah. Like how they do in the Irish fairy tale books.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they are really into names with the Irish fairy tales, but. Maybe that's. It's just more, it's just,

it's very Irish to like care who told the story. Yeah. That's really cool. I'm glad that you, I'm glad that you've like found a a credit for like the people that actually like told these guys yeah i thought that was really neat the story that is really neat i love it and i'm i'm assuming they're um like related they both have the same last name maybe they're not but it doesn't say so anyway that is little red riding hood um i'm so excited we got to do that one i'm so excited you told that one it's and that you found so many different versions of how it

ended i had no idea that there was a sequel i had literally never heard that before. That is so exciting. I know. Isn't that fun? Yes. I love all the different versions. Do I get another version from you today?

You do get another version. Real quick, I wanted to talk about like my own, like I have, I have a different fix for the story. Oh, yeah.

Tell me. Outside of like the awesome, they found like grandma and red riding hood found a werewolf pack together because that's like the primo fix for me and they hulked out they hulk out the wolf oh that's so great that's like the one but But on a more serious note, this is probably just because Into the Woods, the musical, is such like a foundational part of my upbringing. But I think that the musical already has like a really lovely, not fix exactly, because the story of Red Riding Hood happens exactly the same way in act one of the play, but, but she takes such a different moral and message from it in the play, um, where she has a whole song about how she's really grateful that she did stray from the path.

She's grateful. She did meet the wolf. Um, and that, and that she wandered off the path and found flowers and learned so much more about the world and how it works and about herself and about how now she is armed with knowledge uh as she continues to grow up and uh so that so that she has so she has a whole song reflecting on the experience and actually taking the message from it that like that knowledge is good and adventuring is good

and being curious about the world is good and being sensibly cautious and suspicious of strangers is also good and something that she'll carry with her into her adulthood and i oh i love that the message of that song so much i I think it's really beautiful. Into the Woods is such a great play. It makes me tear up. It has such good morals. And I just, yeah, I love it. Yeah, me too. I'm going to watch it after this, actually.

You're making me want to go watch it. It's so lovely. I cry. I cry every time. And definitely if you haven't seen the play with like Bernadette Peters, you should absolutely check it out. It's so good. Yeah. I think the original Broadway cast recording is available for streaming somewhere.

But that's the one that i recommend yeah um also they put a huge schlong on the wolf costume so good it's very funny yep yeah i think i want to do that today that sounds fun do it do it do it it's like a good use of my rest of my sunday couldn't agree more i might i might do the same um after we're out of here but yes i i do have uh a different red riding hood-esque story so i found the Algerian Red Riding Hood story, which is a North African country. That one, I will probably read another day because we're getting the episodes getting a little long and this one's a little longer. I also need to rewrite it because I could only find a translation in German.

And so then I had to Google translate the German. And so I have to rewrite the story a little bit because it's a little jumbled. So I'll probably save this one for maybe next episode. But I also found, because the Wikipedia article also mentioned that there is a Taiwanese version of the story. That's a lot shorter. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to read this one. I love it. So this story is called Aunt Tiger. Oh, that was one of the ones I read about.

Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. I'm so excited. So this one, yeah, this story comes from Taiwan, which we're just going to do a little geography corner. We're just going to do a little geography corner if you don't know where Taiwan is. Taiwan is an island that is located at the junction of the East and South China Seas and the Northwestern Pacific Ocean. It's off the coast of China. Okay. That's Taiwan, and this comes from that island.

Do you want me to make any predictions? Yeah, I do want you to make predictions do you want me to make any predictions uh yeah I do want you to make predictions I want I want you to make two predictions they can and I want you to predict uh how you think the story differs okay uh can I predict that it's a tiger instead of a wolf? No. Wait, what was it called again? It's called Aunt Tiger. Aunt Tiger. And that it's an aunt instead of a grandma? You don't have to predict how it differs.

I am going to tell you that it's actually very different than Red Riding Hood. There are some themes in common, but it's not that similar. Isn't an aunt instead of a grandmother? You can predict that if you want to. Yeah, that's my first prediction. Okay. Instead of a grandmother in that kind of role.

And then my second prediction is that there is, do I want to predict that there is a red something or that there isn't a red something you know I love red so I'm going to predict that there is red there is a red something

in the story okay so this is the story. Okay. So this is the story of the tiger aunt. Oh, and I got this story, by the way, it's off a website called islandfolklore.com

and the entire website is just a bunch of translated Taiwanese folktales. Fuck yeah. Translated in English. Put it in our show notes. Once upon a time, two young sisters lived with their loving parents in a remote part of Taiwan.

One day, mom and dad had to go on a trip for a couple days, and so they instructed their two lovely daughters to watch the house and to not open the door to strangers. The daughters replied that they would, and they waved goodbye to their parents. Bye. Bye. we'll totally keep the door closed totally i love that it's sisters that's fun unbeknownst to the children however was that just behind some bushes an ancient tigress spirit was hiding and watching. Cool. I know. It's not even just a tiger. It's a spirit.

It's an ancient Tigris spirit. That's awesome. This spirit, after thousands of years of difficult training, had become an evil tiger witch. Fuck yes. Evil tiger witch. I yes. Evil Tiger Witch. I love this.

This is way better. And her specialty, Kelsey, was eating children. Hell yeah. Go get them. Sorry. I'm on the Tiger Witch side. Hell yeah. Get those girls.

Fuck them kids. Fuck them kids. Eat them. fuck them kids eat them eat them up the witch waited until the parents were out of sight before emerging from her hiding place to knock on the sister's door to entice the children to let her in she brought with her some sugary treats hell yeah who were you The girls ask the tiger witch. I'm your great aunt, came the reply. And I've come on the request

of your parents to come stay with you while they're away. And look what I brought with me, candy. This is perfect. I know. This is another reason

why I wanted to do this one instead of the Algerian one was this actually ends up being a pretty great like Halloween-ish story. That's awesome. I love it. On Halloween, taking, you know, doing the opposite of like what you're supposed to do and taking candy from strangers.

Where you come with candy instead of asking for candy. Hearing this and seeing the treats, the girls dropped their guard and invited the tiger aunt into the house. And the tiger aunt assured the sisters that she'd keep them safe. So now they're the ones being idiots and they kind of deserve whatever happens to them. I mean, it was so easy. It was. She did not have to try hard. She didn't need to use any of her ancient tiger witch training.

She just had to show up with candy and lie. To be fair, if she's like a great aunt, she probably looks like an old woman. Which, you know, normally you would want to trust. I think most people would trust an old woman. Yeah. Yeah. I think, you know normally you would want to trust i think most people would trust an old woman yeah yeah i think you know like if my i don't know if an old lady showed up and was like at my door and wanted to come in and just chat or something i'd probably be like yeah okay and that is that you know what that is fair to other statements we have made on this

podcast, which is that when old people want to talk to you or ask you for anything, you just do it. Yeah. Because which in disguise, probably, I definitely wouldn't let an old man in my house. But an old lady, I don't know. That's fair. I don't know. I just wouldn't let men in my house. Yeah, exactly. You're supposed to be able to trust women, damn it. So the tiger aunt says, I'll stay the night with you. And that way you won't be afraid of the dark. Fast forward to the middle of the night.

And the elder of the two girls woke up by chance. When she opened her eyes, she saw that much to her horror, the tiger aunt was devouring her sister and one giant gulp oh she's gonna save her sister or she's gonna run the older sister fought hard not to scream when she calmed down she pretended not to notice her sister's disappearance and asked to go to the outhouse and once, she quickly climbed up a tree well out of the reach of the tiger aunt. And when the wicked tiger witch finally noticed, she was furious and demanded that the child climb down out of the tree immediately. You know, the young girl explained, if you prepare some piping hot peanut oil to season me with, I'd taste much better. That's probably true. That's probably true.

That sounds accurate. Thinking this was pretty decent culinary advice, the tiger aunt obliged and began heating up a pot of peanut oil. Yeah, thanks. That sounds great, actually. Good tip, actually. Yeah, I think I will. When this was done, the girl suggested to bringing the vat of oil up the tree with a rope so she could apply the oil herself. The tiger, again, obliged. But when the girl got the pot, she immediately poured its boiling contents on the eager tiger witch anticipating her meal just beneath the tree. And thus, even though she'd lost her younger sister the clever girl eliminated the evil tiger spirit who could no longer prey upon innocent children in taiwan the end okay okay

my fix is that the tiger witch gets to eat both of them you know that's also my fix and then the wolf eats the. And then the wolf eats the witch. And then the wolf eats the witch. Yeah, I think it's a great fix for the story. The tiger witch heats up the peanut oil and then maybe uses some of her magical tiger witch powers to like shake the tree and shake the child out into the oil. And then the child just slips. She just falls right in. She falls right into the big and then the child just slips she just falls right in she falls right into the

big pot of oil um a happy ending for the witch because to eat it yeah tiger either that was either that or because we are because now i've now i've got the idea uh she swallows the second child and then they become were tigers and they rip their way out of the tiger witch. Were tigers. But then the witch is like a ghost who follows them around. Yes. And they fight crime. They fight crime.

And eventually they meet up with the guy from our bonus episode with his ghostly helper. Oh, my God. with his ghostly helper. Oh my god. We're just going to make everybody supernatural crime fighters. That's the fix for every story going forward, pretty much. I would watch that movie 100%.

I want it. I want it very badly. Alright. Well, I got got zero points but that's fine no points for you um yeah that was really fun i like that one a lot yeah i'm glad you enjoyed that i thought i thought that story was really fun and cute i mean not cute because like a child dies so i guess cute might be the wrong word. Whatever, you know. Whatever. It's fine. I'm feeling so goofy now.

All right. We did it. I think that's going to do it for us. Oh my gosh. We finally read Little Red Riding Hood. We did Red Riding Hood. I'm so proud of us. I'm proud of us too.

It was so fun. Yeah, I'm excited that this comes out on Halloween. What are you going to be for Halloween this year? Do you have a costume? Sleeping. Sleeping, yeah. Probably. You're not going to wear –

Oh, wait. It's a Tuesday. You're not going to wear a costume to work? Maybe. My workplace isn't fun like that. Yeah no one no one would be wearing a costume except me um i don't know i might wear like i've got like some little elf ears that i might wear to work i don't know that'd be cute just it would be cute i do i did buy like some stuff at the ren fair so i don't know i might I might put my Elvin Archer outfit

Back on and go to work That's if I Feel like it And we don't really get trick or treaters either Yeah I don't know Oh well This October has not been

It has not been my month I'm going to I'm going to rest. Well, I don't know. Actually, Tuesday night is trivia night. Maybe I'll dress up in a costume for going to trivia and I'll wear like my – I'll wear my elf outfit. Hell yeah.

That sounds like a perfect idea. You know what? Thank you for reminding me that Tuesday is Halloween. I'm all excited. What about you? I'm going to – I got that squirrel costume. Oh, my gosh. You were so fucking cute in that.

I wore a squirrel costume to work because apparently, like, our mascot is a squirrel, which is really ridiculous. He's like Carter the squirrel. Okay. Which is really funny. We have a bunch of stuffed animal squirrels like all over the office and we're like yeah why do we have these and somebody told us we have a mascot and it's a squirrel i guess we used to have like a costume um but it was really scary looking i saw pictures of it and it was terrifying okay um and i was trying to

convince my event planner to um to like we should buy a new mascot costume. Kids love mascots. I thought that would be so fun. You can show up to our like events and like take pictures with the kids. And she was just like, absolutely not. I fucking hate that so much. She's like, I hate squirrels and I hate mascots. Well, then she's no fun.

She's really fun. She has like a specific fear of mascots i think okay she had like a whole story how her mascot growing up really scared her which i think is really funny that's fair so i decided to go out and get a squirrel costume oh my god to wear to one of my work events and it was really fun i had a million kids want to take we have to revisit the mascot idea now because i had like a crappy squirrel costume it wasn't even like a like a good mascot one and a bunch of kids wanted to take pictures with me and like a bunch of kids kept coming up and like touching my like grabbing my tail and stuff and like i don't know they're just being really cute. They loved my costume. Kids love mascots.

It was really fun. You should definitely revisit that. I might just wear that again to work. It was really hot though, so I also might not. That is also a problem. I mean, it's basically a giant onesie.

Yeah. You looked so cute though thanks it was really fun thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix we hope you have a wonderful spooky delightful halloween doing whatever it is you freaking feel like doing and if you i got in pictures of your costume. Oh, yes, please. Or just DM it to us on Instagram. Yep, DM it to us on Instagram.

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talk to us about stuff in places and listen to the show. And grandmother and Little Red Riding Hood burst out of the wolf like Freddy Krueger with a giant claws coming out yes and we're like werewolves now and decided to fight crime

and so did the two girls uh in taiwan also burst out of the tiger witch now she's a ghost she's helping too exactly and then they met up with the guy from uh our bonus episode ghost story you should go to you should go sign up for go sign up for our patreon if you want to if you want the details but now they all rove east asia fighting. And maybe someday they'll make their way over to Germany and hook up with the other plot line going on over there. Crime fighting team of were-creatures and ghosts. Were-creatures and ghosts. And one ex-soldier. And they all lived happily ever after the end.