Fairy Tale Fix - 76: She’s Screaming About The Correct Things

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

We examine the Pied Piper of Hamelin from every possible angle! Kelsey reads us the original Brother’s Grimm tale, a more recent poem based on it, and theories about the real life events that inspired it. Abbie follows up with the PC version from Politically Correct Bedtime Stories by James Finn Garner, and capstones it all off with the PC version of Red Riding Hood. Garner really posed the ultimate fix there, whether he meant to or not.

And a huge thanks to you for editing that and making me sound good. You're welcome. Poems are hard. They are. Hello and welcome to Fairytale Fix, a what the fuck fairytale podcast. I'm Kelsey. I'm Abby. And this is the podcast where you tell each other classic fairy and folk tales. And we evaluate what the fuck? Ooh, evaluate sounds very professional we definitely analyze

we don't not like like a literature literary kind of analysis but more like a did we like the story did we have a good time was it was it fun was it fun could it have a good time? Was it fun? Was it fun? Could it have a better ending? Because... Yeah. Could it be funner? Yeah. How could it be more fun for me? Mm-hmm.

The listener. That's the premise. That's what we do. Definitely not from an academic, historical, or media-sav savvy perspective. Yeah. If you were looking for facts and education, there are plenty of podcasts out there that go over that stuff. Probably. The fairy tellers do a great job and they're funny.

Wait, we don't want you to leave yet. We're funny. We promise. Stay here though. You can listen to both. Stay for some inane chatter and some giggling and some stories. The hot gossip.

Like, we're tearing these fairy tales apart. And anyway. Right. Yeah. It's such a smooth opening. That's great. We're really selling ourselves well here. How are you? What is up with kelsey

i'm good i um what's up with kelsey what's up with kelsey you know what's funny is i was actually thinking about how our intros are always really rough but our our ending our outros are like we've had that also rough down no it's totally down i feel like we nail it we do it's true it's because we have that written down yeah that's true i wonder if we should start a nah i like our intros i think they're fun i agree too it really catches whatever particular mood yes we're in at that moment and i like i don't actually wonder how many of our listeners listen to the outro like the entire because we kind of go off on the little bit like more if you love fairy tale things follow and subscribe but then we go over our fixes again

yeah which i think is funny i i it's it succinctly sums up the podcast, but I will not lie. For any podcast I listen to, I skip outros. I just skip them. I know what you're going to say. That's what I was wondering. So if you are skipping our outros, if you have been, maybe don't. Sometimes we say different stuff and no one's ever said anything so it's fine it's fine anyway so i um have been

re-watching grim as you know yes and you started it too, right? Did you finish the first episode? I did. I watched the first episode and a little bit of the next one. And I see I like it so far. I see how it could get really, really fun.

I do. The problem is that the main character is so generic. He's awful. He seems like the actor seems like he's probably a nice guy. But the character is so unlikable, in my opinion. You said he's worse than Ted from How I Met Your Mother, which does not give me high hopes for him.

But everybody else makes up for it. Like, everyone else is so lovable. I don't know if any of our listeners watch Grimm. It's very, very loosely related on fairy tales. Actually, I think what made me want to watch it again was we were talking about fairy tales and, like, how the characters become crime fighters. Oh, my gosh. It's like a supernatural crime show. Yeah. It's like a,

it's like a police procedural, but with fairy tale characters and supernatural monsters and stuff. Yeah. Very loosely based on fairy tale characters. One of my favorites is, uh, what is it? Cinderella, where it's like the evil stepmom

and the two ugly stepsisters and then Cinderella, except Cinderella turns out to be the evil one and the stepsisters are like, they're all mean to her because they're trying to get her not to kill people.

I love that. I can't wait to not to kill people. I love that. I can't wait to get to that episode. That's amazing. It's far into season one if you can get there. Oh, I'll get there. I'm planning on watching it because I love stuff that's loosely based on fairy tales. I am enjoying sort of like the dark spin on things. I think every character except Nick seems at the very least interesting, if not adorable.

I'm invested. It also like I was I was telling Kelsey that it also gives me just like very vague Buffy vibes just because the Grimm and the Slayer seem like they have a lot in common in terms of like the there can only be one and they're the monster hunter like all the monsters are afraid of them actually I think there are other Grimms though oh okay um but you there's no there can only be one Grimm in the family maybe oh maybe okay something like that it's well that would also make more sense because you'd theoretically want this is what never made sense to me about buffy is that it's just kind of like so there's one yeah in the whole world in the whole world and

so everywhere else where she's not vampires are just eating people and it befalls on a teenage girl of all people of all people i started watching buffy i've never seen it before and i don't know how that's possible it's it's it's it's the it's the supernatural drama that launched a thousand of them we don't get supernatural without buffy the vampire slayer god damn it yeah so I'm uh I started watching that and Abby and I have just been messaging each other back and forth about Buffy and Grimm it's very fun it is very fun oh and also if you if you we're also so excited because the strike for SAG-AFTRA and the WGA is finally over oh my gosh Prepare for the floodgates of all of the media commentary that we have been holding back since the summer.

Poorly holding back. Poorly holding. We have had to heavily edit most of our episodes since July. Actually, you know what's really exciting about that too is we recorded a little a little thing about the little mermaid we recorded like our thoughts and feelings and we were going to post it and then the strike started so we decided to wait uh so we are going to put that on our patreon it's going to be free for like for anybody to listen to it um but we weren't sure where to put it because it's just us talking about like our thoughts and feelings on the little mermaid yeah um didn't seem appropriate for like the main feed but yeah if you just go to fairytalefix.cash yes you should be able to access our feed you'll be able you don't have to give us cash yeah you don't have to it'll be for everybody um and just

i don't know if you want to know our thoughts and feelings of the Little Mermaid I don't even remember what we said to be honest me neither but we did talk for roughly an hour about it though so we had a lot of them I just don't remember them anymore I remember we both didn't like the song the seagull song yeah that was bad Lin-Manuel right calm calm it down not a not a slay on that i do adore aquafina though yeah she's pretty funny i fucking love her i think she's hilarious i think she's adorable yeah she's super cute i'm never i'm never mad

when i see aquafina pop up and something yeah so yeah tv but her um that is the one little mermaid criticism that i remember having the most deeply her showing up and like screeching some terrible rap lyrics uh-huh to deliver what in the cartoon was like a one sentence piece of exposition um no so yeah go to our patreon and if you're interested in our thoughts on the little mermaid yeah oh my gosh i feel like this is all over the place i'm so excited there's so many fun things going on so my original point was um in re-watching Grimm season one that's what helped me pick my story today. Oh really?

Okay. So there is an episode about the Pied Piper essentially. Yeah. Okay. You know in like the Grimm version it's like you know the Pied Piper is using the mice to murder people maybe. Allegedly. Allegedly. It's like, you know, the Pied Piper is using the mice to murder people. Maybe.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Is there still due process in the world of supernatural monsters? You know, it gets fuzzy for Nick because he's like a cop, but he's also a grim. And he takes what I really like about his character, though, is he is like a good person. Like, he wants to do what's best, but he's a little – I struggle a little because it is very lawful good. Like, he is a cop. But he does kind of learn to bend because he's learning about all this new cultural warfare shit going on.

cultural warfare shit going on. It's so 2000s core, like bad CGI. There are zero women in the police force, I'm pretty sure, in that show, and it's driving me like absolute bananas. But all the women that are in there are badass, that's fun i'm excited i'm excited to get there and you know sometimes maybe learning to see a little more gray area in the world

makes you a better person and less of a good people are good and bad people are bad and i can tell because i'm a cop yep that's not actually a great sign that uh you know exactly what to do or what's right and what's wrong etc etc so good for nick he's gonna be a better person just do any of our listeners watch grim like you like fairy tales right that's probably why you're here maybe theoretically theoretically or just us i don't know but i don't know we're pretty cute let me know if uh send us a message if you watch Grimm. I'm just curious. Very interested.

Because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings and opinions. I don't think on my rewatch I will be able to make it past like season three. Really? Yeah. I think it's going to make me too mad.

Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Okay. They do one of my favorite, my absolute favorite characters just so dirty that it's almost unforgivable is it monroe is monroe your favorite character okay second favorite character i love monroe he's like a werewolf character that's just i am in love with him he's so cute

i love him so much he's trying to be a good boy. He's a good, he's got his own hobbies. He like does his own thing. He's, he's down to clown. Fucking Monroe is the man. I,

yeah, I've spent one episode with him and I'm already like, wow, this guy's the best. I love him. And also what made me pick this story. I have so much I feel like to tell you. I've been excited to tell you.

I love it. Tell me later. I wanted to send you pictures. So I actually feel like I would be embarrassed to tell anyone in my real life, you know, the story. Because I feel like everyone would judge me really hard. I know you and everyone that listens to this podcast will not be surprised by this. Oh, good. That there is a rat in our attic.

A couple, actually. And instead of – we actually did do like the basic rat traps. And we always feel – I always feel really bad about it. We take spiders out of the house. We don't like killing things. But this rat foiled two traps.

We were like, okay, we're going to try a catch and release trap. We're going to try it. See if it works. Like one of those ones they do for feral cats? Where you put a little bait inside and then it closes them inside. Yeah. What we have right now is kind of like a bucket.

I'm actually going to send you a picture right now. Oh my gosh, please do. I'm so excited. Because we put up a ring camera in our attic because we wanted to watch. Okay. Yeah. This is also my new show is watching Rikins and his wife in our attic you named him huh he's radikins he's fucking enormous yeah he's huge that is a big rat he's huge and he is so

smart he has not fallen for this trap yet he will get on it but he keeps so it's like there's like a little under um area of a on top of a bucket where he goes to like lick peanut butter off and it's supposed to like fall and he's supposed to catch him right but he keeps his little back legs on the edge of the bucket like he's fucking smart he knows oh radican lives the life he understands he's gonna live in He knows. Oh, Radican lives the life. He understands. He's going to live in your attic forever. You have a new roommate.

We've bought a different trap to try to catch him. Cause this one's not working. What's the new trap? It looks more like one of the feral cat traps. Okay. That's going to be better. Maybe. Cause yeah, it looks like he's absolutely caught wise because i could even see the way he does have his little leg like hanging off the side of the bucket like and he's just got his paws just splayed so carefully

on the on the like the black area where it's supposed to actually fall through diabolical what a genius he's so smart and i love him so now i'm like we absolutely can't kill him we have to find a way to catch and release him out into a big field somewhere where a hawk can get him yeah right and there's also this tiny little mouse um I just call his wife. I feel like that's very anti-feminist of me. Just the radicons and the missus. And the missus. Kelsey, you didn't even give her a name.

I know. What's wrong with you? We have a whole podcast about that. It's having a poor effect on me, I guess. I guess so. It's making you care less i'm gonna think about it well she just doesn't show up as often i think radicans i took that name from something i think it's like ratigan or something because there's like isn't there like a sherlock holmes mouse detective thing? Maybe. Probably. That's really where I got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rattigan. Rattigan? From the great mouse detective. That's totally what I was thinking of. R-A-T-I-G-I-N. Oh, he's mean, though. I don't imagine this guy is mean. Yeah, he's evil for sure. He's so cute. I'll post a photo, and I actually have a video of him

on top of the bucket. It's really funny because he just like adam and i were watching it like like this is our new favorite show there's just rat drama going on upstairs and like he's on top of the bucket and he just seems to like fly off the bucket like he obviously jumps but it looks like he just gets summoned above and out of the camera frame and we're like what the fuck what just happened we're so confused so yeah i felt like the pied piper was uh was the story for me because rats are on my mind oh my gosh i'm i'm very excited i can see why rats are on your mind also like, like, I don't know why you're embarrassed. I just feel like my mom and Adam's parents would judge us and be like, really?

You're not just going to kill the rat? Oh, yeah. No, because like, why would you just kill it when you could catch and release it? I mean, I don't know. We did try to kill him. Originally. It's too smart. I had to

rescue a mouse from Bree the other week. Oh my gosh. Bree. There was a little mousy in our house because it's getting cold now and so everything's trying to come inside yeah um and there's this little mousy and uh i was watching tv and i noticed that she was just sort of like playing with something in the corner in the other

room and then i thought it was a toy and then i looked closer and it was moving on its own and i was like that oh no a living mousy yep and she was just doing that thing that cats do where she's just she's just gonna slowly torture it to death yep um like she wasn't seriously trying to kill it she was just sort of like making these small little cuts on it oh and then watching it try to crawl away. Poor thing. So Steven, like Steven and I had to like, we shooed Brie away.

And then we tried to catch the little mousy, um, which was feeling well enough to skitter pretty fast and just left leaving little pools of blood. They're survivors. They are little survivors. Um, anyway, so we ended up catching it in a jar and it looked and it looked fine for the most part i don't think she she it didn't look

like it was like too like it would be cruel to put it outside yeah well honestly you know i like i work with wildlife and like hawks hawks and owls and all sorts of other animals that i gotta eat too exactly um but this way i'm i mostly did it because just because it's just like my my little bleeding heart um no can't watch an animal get like slowly bled out in front of me yeah it's like you you know, Bree, if you had wanted to play with the mousy at nighttime when I wasn't awake, I guess that's what cats do. But I can't. I'm not just going to sit and watch you torture the mouse. No, thank you. Plus, you know, they carry disease, too.

Exactly. You don't want Bree to get. What is it? What's that one everybody's talking about where it's like the rats or mice come up to cats and they're like really friendly because they have like a... Like a...

What am I trying to think of? Rabies? Not rabies. Hold on. It's like toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis. Toxoplasmosis. Ah, that was close.

I thought that was something like cat poop. That's how they get it. It's from like eating mice that have it. Oh. It's a parasite that makes mice like less scared of cats. I think humans get it from cat feces. I know humans get it from cat feces and it's like one thing that's like it's

I've heard that it does. I don't know if this is true but it like addicts you to your cat. I definitely have that. Like it's a I have that. I'm not even mad about it.

Well, because it's like it's little parasites that live in your brain, I guess. And like, do something that make you more into your cat than you otherwise would be. I don't know. Yes. So just so we're not spreading misinformation. I mean, this isn't where you come to get facts, but I looked it up real fast. If the internet isn't, if nature.com

isn't leading me astray, Toxoplasma, Toxoplasma gondii is known to remove rodents' innate fear of cats. Oh. So the rodents,

like, go up to cats and then infect the cat. It also makes them obsessed with your cat okay and the paris i can pass to human babies during pregnancy which is why if you are a pregnant lady um or pregnant person uh make the non-pregnant people in your life change your cat litter yep uh and it also said and i guess i'm full of shit or the person who told me this is full of

shit the internet also says most people infected with the parasite do not have symptoms oh that's also that's and that's from the mayo clinic which is a pretty that was written by someone with no they're like it's fine it's great it's actually wonderful it's the parasites in their brain are making them write that oh all right so funny are you ready to hear the story of the pied piper i am ready to hear it again i've definitely heard this one before. Have you heard the poem? No, I don't think so.

I didn't know there was a poem. There is a poem. It's very fun. It's long, so I'm not going to read the whole thing, but I'm going to read some of my favorite excerpts. Ooh, yes, please. But first, I'm going to read the grim version of the story. So I guess we'll just skip the predictions for this one. Yeah, because I, yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I know. I'm pretty sure I remember.

Okay. So the Grimm version is called Rat Catchers Who Abduct Children or The Children of Hamelin. Okay. All right. Children of Hamelin. Okay. All right. Oh, and I also, I got this from pittsburgh.edu because it's the best website ever. They've got quite a treasure trove. I actually looked for this in my Grimm book and I couldn't find it.

And I looked pretty hard, so I don't think it's in there. It's not like really in a, like a, I don't know if it's really like a grim story. They have a version though. So maybe it's just not. Well, I mean they had other stories in like later editions that didn't appear in the first one. Yeah, that might be true. Okay. That's probably it. Alright. Alright. Let's do it.

Tell me. Tell me the story. The Children of Hamelin. In the year of 1284, a mysterious man appeared in Hamelin. He was wearing a coat of many-colored bright cloth, for which is the reason he was called the Pied Piper. Oh, okay. That's what pied means? Yeah.

Okay. He came to be a rat catcher and promised that for a certain sum, he would rid the city of all mice and rats. The citizens struck a deal promising him a certain price. The rat catcher then took a small fife from his pocket and began to blow on it. Rats and mice immediately came from every house and gathered around him. When he thought he had them all, he led them to the river Wesser, where I think that's how you say it. The river Wesser,

where he pulled up his clothes and walked into the water. The animals all followed him, fell in and drowned. Efficient. Yep. Getting it done. It's hard,

hard day's work. Do you think you and Adam could play piano and lure the rats out of your attic? No, I think they would run away very quickly at any noise. What about your fiddle? I could try. Adam also plays the clarinet. Yay. There you go. Maybe we got to just get a fife. Drown them in Little Chico Creek. Aww. We're trying to save them.

I keep yelling at this rat, too, because every time he doesn't go in, I'm like, I'm trying to save you. Now that the citizens had been freed of their plague, they regretted having promised so much money, and using all kinds of excuses, they refused to pay him. Finally, he went away, bitter and angry, justifiably. He returned on the 26th of June, St. John's Day and St. Paul's Day, early in the morning at 7 o'clock. Others say it was noon. Now dressed in a hunter's...

Very important detail. Very important. Now dressed in a hunter's costume with a dreadful look on his face and wearing a strange red hat. He sounded his fife in the streets, but this time it wasn't rats and mice that came to him,

but rather children, a great number of boys and girls for their fourth year on. Among them was the mayor's grown daughter. The swarm followed him and he led them into a mountain where he disappeared with them. All of this was seen by a babysitter, who, carrying a young child in her arms, had followed them from a distance, but had then turned around and carried the news back to town.

The ancient's parents ran in droves to the town gates, seeking their children. Mothers cried out and sobbed pitifully. Within the hour, messengers were sent everywhere by water and by land, inquiring if the children or any of them had been seen, but it was all for naught. In total,

130 children were lost. Two, as some say, had lagged behind and came back. One of them was blind and the other was mute the blind one because before or because of wait what like were they were they blind and mute before yes okay so they really just had like issues actually following him. And yeah, Ben probably couldn't hear it anymore. Yeah. So the blind one wasn't able to point out the place where the children had gone.

So nobody was able to actually like find out where the children went. And the mute one was able to point out the place, but they had heard nothing. One little boy in shirt sleeves had gone along with the others but had turned back to fetch his jacket and thus escape the tragedy for when he had returned the others had already disappeared into a cave within a hill this cave is still known today until the middle of the 18th century and probably still today, the street through which the children were let out of the town was called bungalows, drumless, soundless, quiet, because no dancing or music was allowed there because of the tragedy. Indeed, when a bridal procession on its way to church crossed the street, the musicians would have to stop playing. The mountain near Hamelin where the

children disappeared is called Poppenberg. Two stone monuments in the form of crosses had been erected there, one on the left side and one on the right. Some say that the children were led into a cave and they came out again in Transylvania. Oh my God. Which I guess according to Wikipedia, there's actually some,

there's some truth to that. Some of the children lineage ended up in Transylvania and started businesses there, which is totally weird. Wait, so is this kind of a true story? But all these kids really did disappear? Nobody knows. But yeah, I think there was a resurgence and i'll go over that a little bit later okay let's see according to seyfried the 22nd rather than the 26th of june was entered into the town register that doesn't matter the following lines are actually inscribed inscribed

on the town hall in the year 1284 after the birth of christ from hamelin were led away 130 children born at this place led away by a piper into a mountain so it's kind of one of those stories if you go to the website of hamelin they take it very seriously like this is a folk tale that's been told like for so long. And about like this specific place and the specific mountain near it. Yeah. I love it. I know.

Isn't that great? Yes. So there's lots of theories. One of the theories is natural causes. So it's kind of saying like instead of a pied piper, it was more like a metaphor for death where a bunch of children died from either disease or starvation. But my favorite theory is the pagan Christian conflict where it's like, oh, yeah. The idea that the devil led all these children away because, you know, they wanted to practice paganism. It has been noted that all local reports of the incident date to the specific date of the 26th of June, the date of pagan midsummer celebrations. Oh.

Ooh. So the children were being led away into Transylvania. And fed to dracula it's pretty cool so um it seems like this like there might be some truth to the story you know yeah most likely i'm assuming a metaphor for a bunch of children. Like the Pied Piper is death and a bunch of children died. Yeah. That sounds like the most, that sounds like the most probable of the,

of the explanations that like the Pied Piper is, was some kind of horrible, like childhood disease that swept through the town. Yeah. But, but I, horrible like childhood disease that swept through the town. Yeah. Uh, but, but I, but has like over the years turned into the children were like led away.

Yes. Yeah. And there, the like first telling of this story is basically from the windows of a church. So it's like depicted on stained glass windows in a church in Hamelin. Oh, that's so cool.

Okay. Well, we have to add Hamelin to our itinerary. Oh, absolutely. German trip. Absolutely. And I think they have like festivals and stuff regarding it's like Pied Piper

season from May to September or something like that. Heck yeah. Oh, yes. Let's do it. So there is a poem that I really want to just read a few excerpts from. It's from Robert Browning, and I think it's very fun. Hamelin towns in Brunswick by a famous Hanover city. The river Wesser deep and wide washes its wall on the southern side.

A pleasanter spot you never spied, but when begins my ditty? Almost 500 years ago to see the townsfolk suffer so from vermin was such a pity. Rats. They fought the dogs and killed the cats and bit the babies in the cradles. They ate the cheeses out of the vats and licked the soup from the cook's own ladles split open the kegs of salted sprats made nests inside men's sundae hats and even spoiled the women's chats by drowning their speaking with shrieking and squeaking in 50 different sharps and flats so essentially the rats are just ruining everybody's their time wrecking hamlin and

there are a bunch of them so the townsfolk all go to the mayor and the city council and there's a lot of body shaming about the mayor that goes on in this poem oh no like a lot it's very rude and then the pine piper shows up come in the mayor cried looking bigger oh wow well they're still it's not letting up no it it goes on along i cut a lot of that part out and in did come the strangest figure his queer long coat from heel to head was half of yellow and half red and he himself was tall and thin with sharp blue eyes each like a pin in loose and light loose hair yet swarthy skin no tuft on cheek nor beard on chin but lips were smiles went out and in there was no guessing his kith and kin and nobody could enough admire the tall man in his quaint attire quothoth one, it says, my great-grandsire, starting up at the Trump of Doomstone,

had walked his way from this painted tombstone. Ooh. And the Pied Piper tells the city council that he can use charm to sway any creature. And I chiefly use my charm

on creatures that do people harm, the mole, the toad, and Newton Viper, and people called me the Pied Piper. I love this. This is great. Oh my gosh. It's so much fun.

I definitely recommend going on and reading the whole poem. He gives the council his resume and asks for a lot of money. And he's very poor. He needs the work. So the council agrees and the piper prepares for an honest day's work. Then like a musical adept to blow the pipe, his lips, he wrinkled and green and blue sharp eyes twinkled like a candle flame where salt is sprinkled and air three shrill notes on the pipe uttered. You heard as if an army muttered and muttering grew to a grumbling and the grumbling grew to a grumbling. And the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling. And out of the houses, the rats came tumbling.

Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, brown rats, black rats, gray rats, tawny rats. Graveld plotters, gay young friskers, fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, cocking tails and pricking whiskers. Families by tens and dozens brothers sisters husbands wives followed the piper for their lives oh my god that is so many rats so many rats no wonder they were getting desperate oh yeah totally desperate and the pied piper takes them out no fucking problem the town rejoices and the piper is like, yeah, so where's my money? Pay up. Fork it over.

You should have heard the Hamelin people ringing bells till they rocked the steeple. Go, cried the mayor, and get long poles. Poke out the nests and block up the holes. Consult with carpenters and builders and leave our town not even a trace of the rats. When suddenly up the face of the piper perked in the marketplace with a first if you please my thousand guilders yeah and get your money

and do you think the mayor pays up not a chance he offers 50 guilders instead of the 1000 that he agreed upon and rightfully so the piper is pissed 50 guilders instead of the 1,000 that he agreed upon.

And rightfully so, the piper is pissed. He threatens to use his pipe for evil and the mayor waves him off and calls him lazy. And not amazing and talented. So the piper brings his instrument to his mouth and this time there was a rustling that seemed

like a bustling of merry crowds just laying at pitching and hustling small feet were pattering wooden shoes were clattering little hands clapping and little tongues chattering and like fowls in a farmyard when barley is scattering out came the children running all the little boys and girls with rosy cheeks and flaxen curls and sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls tripping and skipping ran merrily after the wonderful music with shouting and laughter and everyone's astounded but they think there's not really anything bad gonna happen they're like oh well where can he go he's going to a mountain right and like whatever the children are having a nice little party i guess so now he's going to a mountain. Right. And like, whatever, the children are having a nice little party, I guess.

So now he's a party clown in addition to a rat catcher. That's a side hustle. Party clown. When low, as they reached the mountainside, a wondrous portal opened wide as if a cavern was suddenly hollowed

and the piper advanced and the children followed. And when all were in to the very last, the door in the mountainside shut fast. The mayor sent east, west, and north, and south, and offered the piper by word of mouth. Wherever it was men's lot to find him, silver and gold to his heart's content.

If only he'd return the way he went and bring the children behind him. But when they saw it was a lost endeavor, the Piper and dancers were gone forever. And on that great church window painted the same to make the world acquainted, how their children were stolen away. And there it stands to this very day. And I must not admit to say that in Transylvania, there's a tribe of alien people that ascribe the outlandish ways and dress

on which their neighbors lay such stress. To their fathers and mothers have risen out of some subterraneous prison into which they trepanned a long time ago in a mighty band out of Hamelin town in Brunswick land. But how or why, they don't understand. So Willie let you and me be wipers of scores out with men especially pipers and whether they pipe us free from rats or of mice we've promised them

ought let us keep our promise the end dang oh yeah there's so much more that poem is bonkers long but those are my favorite i thought it was very fun oh i really liked the ending on that one too of going into detail about like you know these people they came up out of the ground they have no idea where or why like no isn't that mysterious very mysterious i love that that's so fun um and i like that it seals it with the moral at the end which is just kind of like you you should pay people if you've sold for real if you've told them you're gonna pay them don't i don't know be stingy after they've already done the job because then they'll steal your children i mean and they'll be right so i feel like my fix for this particularly this particular tale is more like i kind of wish it

had gum and threes i wish he'd started with the mice and then maybe something else and then led with the children like you know how they do in fairy tales just kind of like it goes in threes like another maybe a warning like a stern warning that's think that's a, I think that's a good one. Cause it's like, he does, he does the service. They refuse to pay him. And then he takes something smaller. Yeah. To demonstrate like, okay, I'm actually not fucking around.

Yeah. Now I'm going to make your livestock or something. Exactly. Like, you know, I take like, all right, I'm taking make your livestock or something exactly like you know i've i take like all right i'm taking all your cats yeah um and they'll be like well uh the rats are gone so who needs who needs cats anymore am i right kind of a dick move but i'd still rather keep the guilders then he takes the kids that's so awful yeah, this is one of those dark and twisted tales. I love it.

It's so much fun. Oh, I do like that it's implied that the kids live, though. They just live somewhere else now. So that's actually part of it. I was starting to talk about it, and I kind of let off. But the emigration theory is that it says there are historical documents that exist showing that people from the Hamlin area helped settle parts of Transylvania. So there's like some truth to this story. So maybe it was also like a religious aspect, maybe not paganism, but somebody was like,

follow me into this other area and you'll be i don't know richer happier yeah i can totally see that if they followed um i don't know why a prophet is what comes to mind but like you know followed followed followed the leader somewhere else or a leader i mean somebody that can lead you through music. I'd follow a piper. Seems like they've got magical powers. He does sound, especially in the poem, and they like, because the poem puts so much time into describing, you know, what this guy looks like and what he's wearing. And he just seems kind of odd and sort of supernatural.

Totally. So much fun. I actually really like that story. I've been wanting to do that one for a while. I'm so glad you chose that one. And I'm very grateful to Mr. Raddington for inspiring you. Now, you stupid idiot, get in the bucket. I really hope so.

If we ever end up catching him, I'll probably post a video of me releasing him. Adam's like, so if we catch him, you're going to take him out into a field, right? And I was like, yeah, I will. I'm going to scream as soon as I open it. Because he's a huge rat. That's a big rat. He's a big boy. He is.

He's a big guy. He's so cute, though. He has little ears ears this little long tail he's cute little paws i love i love him i was like when we could keep him i'll teach him to sit on my shoulder lots of people has rats as pets right that's a thing yeah that's a thing people like and i've actually heard rats make great pets. Yeah, they're smart. Yeah, they're smart. And they're actually pretty clean.

You know, when you're actually like feeding them and they're not rooting through garbage. Yeah. I've heard they make great pets. They just don't live very long. They what? They don't live very long is the thing that's like makes rats not great pets. I think for pets, though, it's like an average of like three years or something. Yeah. Like it's really,

it's a, it's not long at all. Yeah. Oh yeah. Little babies. Little, little babies, but,

but don't, don't keep the feral rat that lives in your attic. I don't think that would go. That's what Adam said. Adam's right. Damn it. In this, in this case, that's what adam said adam's right damn it in this in this case adam is correct okay i am going to give you a choice okay uh i just remembered that in the my book of politically correct bedtime stories there is a Pied Piper of Hamlin story.

Oh my gosh, yes. Or I found a short story in the Russian fairy tales book that you gave me for my birthday. Because it's been a while since we've done a politically correct one. It is. It also has Red Riding Hood in here, so I may do Red Riding

Hood for like our bonus episode next month just to continue our month of Red Riding Hood in here so I may do Red Riding Hood for like our bonus episode um next month just to continue our month of Red Riding Hood stuff um I mean I'm tempted to hear the the politically correct version because I think that's funny all right let's do it um and then I'll do I'll do the Russian fairy tale for next episode okay sounds good okay cool um so this is politically correct bedtime stories modern tales for our life and times so good um it was published uh a while ago this is this is copyright 1994 um the book is by james finn garner james fin Garner, if you happen to listen to this episode and decide that you take umbrage to us reading your story, we'll edit it out.

I don't know. We have done one from the Politically Correct Bedtime Stories before. I think we have enough commentary. I think so, too. And also, I don't know. If anything, he's so fucking funny. This probably helps him sell books. I don't know.

I would hope so. That's what I'm taking from it. know if anything he's so fucking funny this probably helps him sell books i don't know we will definitely post it in our show notes if you want to get a copy for yourself and you should because there is so much fun so funny um full credit to james finn garner he's a very funny guy and i don't know the the thing that i love the most about this book we've done i think the there's a three billy goats gruff and a rumple stiltzkin in here that we've done before think the there's a three billy goats gruff and a rumple still skin in here that we've done before and the thing that i love the most about this is that the more things change the more they stay the same i feel like these stories are still pretty relevant in sort of mocking sort of like white liberal elites in particular about how uh as a group we tend to like talk a big game, but we don't actually do it.

And this book is just excellent mockery of these things. So without further ado, here is the Pied Piper of Hamelin. The picturesque little town of Hamelin had everything a community could wish for. Non-polluting industries, effective mass transit, and a well-balanced ethno-religious diversity. In fact, the town leaders had managed to legislate or intimidate away every element that could keep the citizens from living a good and sensitive

life. Every element, that is. Sounds like a utopia. An absolute utopia, except for the trailer park. Oh. We can't have that. Very. Very.

Oh, no. I don't like this where this is going. The trailer park on the edge of hamlin was a civic embarrassment not only was it a terrible eyesore with its rusted pickup trucks and trash heaps in every backyard instead of rats is it like trailer park people it's trail it's trailer it's trailer park people and the town leaders don't want them around i mean i think i think the political statement the story is trying to make is a good one uh-huh but this was written in 1994 so yeah anyway how are you feeling about it I'm gonna keep going it is a what the fuck fairy tale podcast it is a what the fuck fairy tale podcast

all right we'll all judge for ourselves at the end of the story. Within this trailer park dwelled some of the most unregenerate and irredeemable people you could ever imagine. Murderers of non-domestic animals, former clients of the correctional system, and off-road bikers. Oh, the worst. The worst. Just terrible. The worst. The worst. Just terrible.

The worst. With their plastic daisy pinwheels, loud music, and drunken weekend brawls, they sent a shudder through every respectable person in town. Sounds fun to me. They sound like a good time. One day, after a particularly riotous road rally through the trailer park, the town leaders had a meeting after heated debate. They decided that somehow they had to eradicate the trailer park, but they were at a loss for how to do it without in, without ignoring or infringing upon the rights of the people who live there. Finally,

after even more oratory, they decided to let that be someone else's worry since they were already so burdened with more important concerns such as declining property values. So the town leaders decided to advertise for someone to solve their problems. Soon after the advertisement was sent out, a man appeared in town. He was vertically gifted and of lower than average weight for his size. Nice. Very nice. His clothes were worn in combinations never before seen or imagined, and his mannerisms and high-pitched voice were certainly unique.

Very unique. Although he looked like he came from some world other than but certainly not unequal to our own he gained the trust of the desperate town leaders i will be able to rid your town of the trailer park dwellers said the man of enhanced strangeness but you must promise to pay me 100 pieces of gold that doesn't seem like well i mean i don't know that's no problem that's a bargain this is just reminding me of like every town in their you know unhoused population yeah basically which which i think is like part of the joke that it's the part of the point of the story which is the respectable town dwellers don't want to actually help any of the people who are like less financially well off than them they just

want the problem to go away yeah like if small town city councils had their way they would be able to pay a pied piper to come like sing all of the homeless out of their town yep and just not be a thing not be a not be something they had to think about anymore yeah anyway so the town leaders wanted this whole unpleasant business finished as soon as possible so they readily assented the sooner the trailer park was eliminated the sooner they could all revert to their open-minded progressive selves. Perfect. Perfect. So the man of enhanced strangeness got down to work.

He reached into his tattered knapsack and pulled out a sophisticated compact recording machine. The people around him looked on with interest as he inserted a few tapes, set up some knobs and checked sound levels. Then he began mumbling into the built-in microphone. No one could hear exactly what he was saying, but the man seemed to be lacking in coherence. Abruptly, he stopped mumbling, stood up, and told the town leaders that he needed a truck with a public address system. The authorities scrambled after this strange request. They managed to find such a truck at the Department of Public Biodiversity and handed over

the keys to the man of enhanced strangeness. He climbed in and drove off, popping the cassette he had made into the sound system. Everyone followed the truck as it headed toward the trailer park. Soon, music began to emerge from the slowly moving truck. Generally country music, but also occasional classics like The Ballad of Green Berets and Ghost Riders in the Sky. So good. So good. I also love that it's referencing cassettes.

Like it's a tape player. I know. This book was written in 1994. Oh, he's gonna boombox. Yeah. The town leaders were puzzled by this until they noticed people emerging from their trailers,

tools, sheds, and taverns. The people had a certain glassy expression and talked to themselves as they stumbled along. I'm going to go get me a job, said one. I hear the carny is hiring. Oh, gosh. I think I'll join the professional tractor pull circuit, said another. Do you think I could make a living by signing up for medical experiments? Asked the third. Yes, absolutely. You could. The denizens of the trailer park followed the truck as it drove slowly towards the edge of town. And soon both they and it disappeared over the horizon and the town leaders lifted a cheer. About an hour later, the truck returned minus its entourage.

I led them all to the highway, said the man of enhanced strangeness as he alighted from the truck. They're out thumbing rides for any place but Hamelin. Now the trailer park is free for you to use in whatever way you want. Marvelous, said one of the authorities, who was serving as spokesperson. Now that they're gone, we can commence with our plans for a third world refugee reorientation center. Thank you. But are they going to pay him? What's he going to take? Excellent question. Now, if you will kindly pay me

the 100 pieces of gold you promised, I'll be on my way. Well, Hamlin is striving to establish an economy that is based on human capital and not the mere exploitation of physical resources and so to this end we'd like to offer you this coupon book which entitles you to such services in hamlin as free massages and seminars on releasing your inner child. No. Fuck no. Fuck no.

The man of enhanced strangeness squinted his eyes. You promised me 100 pieces of gold, he said, growing visibly angry. Now pay up or suffer the consequences. If you wish to abandon your responsibility for making the world a more equitable place, collect the spokesperson, so be it. Wow. Wow.

Wow. It's like an entire town of like Twitter reply guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. No, thank you. No, thank you. So be it. We will have to give you the official Hamlin IOU, which can be redeemed for a significant portion of its space value at many of the currency exchanges and liquor stores in the surrounding towns. The man of enhanced strangeness paused, then chuckled eerily and climbed back into the truck.

Before anyone could stop him, he began to drive through all the neighborhoods of Hamelin, and as he went, the truck played a weird, high-pitched music that no one could recognize. Soon, the children of Hamelin emerged from their houses and streamed from their playgrounds. With glazed looks, they milled about in the streets. The town leaders could hear the children talking earnestly to one another. Free markets are the only sure way to give people the personal incentive to build a better society, said one child. Amazing. We must respect the rights of citizens to preserve the ethnic purity of their neighborhoods, said another. Oh my God.

Our only obligation as a society is to make sure everyone has a level playing field set a third yeah he's turning all the children into little libertarians uh-huh oh my gosh that's hilarious the truest punishment for any self-respecting white rich liberal community. As their children began to form tax protest groups and gun clubs, the town leaders sadly realized that all their years of careful social planning would soon come to nothing. The next day, they found the public address truck on the outskirts of town, but there was no sign of the mysterious man whom they had tried to swindle the end that's really funny i like it i definitely wouldn't have like predicted that predicted like what he was going to take from yeah yeah exactly i mean he still took their children from them just yeah he did ideologically oh that's hilarious that's such a good like fix the story that's such a good metaphor i think so too

i i really i really like that one i like most of the stories in here just because they just do such a great job of just kind of like yeah holding holding up a little mirror to myself honestly i read through these and i'm just kind of like oh no who am i in this story and it's not oh no i don't feel good about it you know it's always good to be able to look at some of your values from the outside and be like, okay, what's okay. What's what am I really standing for? Or I don't know. Well,

no, absolutely. I think that's, that's exactly it. Like, what do I actually stand for? What do I actually care about versus what am I giving lip service to so that people won't be mad at me?

Uh-huh. Um, and that's why politically correct bedtime stories is such a Uh-huh. And that's why Politically Correct Bedtime Stories is such a great fucking book and I highly recommend it. That was really fun. I like that one. Good job.

Thank you. Thank you. I did feel awkward when we got to like the trailer park bits because I'm just kind of kind of like, I don't actually think

that anybody living in a trailer park is bad. Yeah, that's a little that was almost a little bit oof yeah a little oof little little little oof um but i don't think james finn garner thinks that anybody who lives in a trailer park is bad either i think that that's just the point of the story yeah exactly of, what what do small towns consider to be the undesirable elements? And, you know, the poor, it's always the poor. Yeah.

The poor, the recently incarcerated, anybody with a drug addiction. Like, anybody makes you uncomfortable or makes you like reflect unfavorably on your own life. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. That was fun. makes you uncomfortable or makes you like reflect unfavorably on your own life yeah yeah oh my goodness that was fun i'm glad you read that one me too thanks for thanks for going along with me on that one i decided to on a whim and i hadn't actually read it in a while so yeah i think it worked out thank you i think so too it's only two pages should i just read the red riding hood politically yeah do it story all right do it i think that's perfect sweet okay so this is again from politically correct bedtime stories by james finn garner there was once a young person called

red riding hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood one day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house not because this was women's work mind you but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community absolutely like the mineral water yes fresh fruit mineral. This is also the, every time women are mentioned in this book, it's spelled, it's women with a Y. Yeah. No men.

Women. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah.

Awesome. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was foreboding and dangerous and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her. On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, some healthful snacks for my

grandmother, who was certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. The wolf said, you know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone red riding hood says i find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme but i will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society the stress of which has caused you to develop your own entirely valid worldview now if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way. Entirely valid. I absolutely love this little Red Riding Hood. She's a firecracker. She really is.

She's like, I understand and I sympathize with your situation, but also that was sexist. Bye. I wholeheartedly, respectfully disagree. All little red. Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path but because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear western style thought the wolf knew a quicker route to grandma's house he burst into the house and ate grandma an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Thank you very much.

That sounds like us constantly. It does. Like, well, he's a wolf. It's a lion. It's fine. Well, it is a lion. That's what they do. What was he supposed to do?

Not eat her dad? Yeah. Exactly. Then, unhampered by rigid traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Yes. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch. God, I don't want those kind of snacks though that doesn't sound good no where's my wine and cake uh-huh wine and cake damn it from the bed the wolf said softly come closer child so i

might see you red riding hood said oh i forgot you were as optically challenged as a bat grandma what big eyes you have they have seen much and forgiven much my dear grandma what a big nose you have only relatively of course and certainly attractive in its own way thank you thank you it has smelled much and forgiven much my dear grandma what big teeth you have the wolf said i'm happy with who i am and what i am and leaped out of bed did you see that meme where it was like or or the, it's a cool comic strip. It's like, you are by far my least favorite grandchild.

Yes. I love that. It was so funny. Did someone, I think someone posted that in the discord. Oh, so good. That's probably where I got it.

I'm sorry if I didn't give you credit. I don't remember who posted it, but it was really hilarious. Keep posting those memes friends. Yes, please do. I don't always respond, it, but it was really hilarious. Keep posting those memes, friends. Yes, please do. I don't always respond, but I do always giggle. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing,

but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. I like that. Me too. She's screaming about the correct things yeah exactly her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper person or log fuel technician as he preferred to be called when he burst into the cottage he saw the melee and tried to intervene but as he raised raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped. And just what do you think you're doing? asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you, she exclaimed. Sexist! Speciest! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help yeah fucking asshole you tell him go get him tell him

when she heard red riding hood's impassioned speech grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth seized the woodchopper person's axe and cut his head off after this ordeal i know oh damn after this ordeal red riding hood grandma and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose they decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation and they lived together in the woods happily ever after the end. Fuck yeah, that was amazing. That was a good fix. I thought so. I don't know. I think the story rules. I'm not quite sure like what what Garner's commentary is necessarily with this one. Like, because I actually thought this was a great fix for the story. So I'm not sure what that says about me or about him, but... Yeah.

I don't know either, actually, really. No idea. I just really enjoyed it. I don't know if there is really any social commentary in that. Not sure. How dare you assume that women and wolves can work out their problems without... Yeah, sexist. I love that Granny just hears her impassioned speech and then jumps

out of the she's like fuck yeah fuck yeah go lauren anyway yeah that was incredible i got thank you thank you okay i think we are gonna end it for today uh thank you so much for listening to fairy tale fix if you enjoyed the show oh remember this is the outro remember to listen to the whole thing yeah i don't know if we have good fixes for this one i don't think we're actually fixing anything but you should listen to the outro anyway uh just because we are still putting work in here and you should just respect that we normally recap our fixes but if you love the show and you want to support us you can get extra episodes merch books other bonus content at our patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash or fairytalefixpod.cash.

We bought both of them because we kept mixing it up. You can also find our Little Mermaid rant slash review will be posted to our Patreon feed for free. So head on over and check that out. You can find us on Instagram and threads that's it right now um at fairy tale fix pod and please please continue sending us uh your favorite fairy tales folklore nursery rhymes funny memes that you find to either our discord channel or uh our email info at fairytalefixpod.com and so the pine piper of hamelin gave the townspeople one more chance after uh getting

rid of the rats by taking away their livestock and or their cats i don't know why livestock makes me less sad cats Cats is too much. But yeah, let's say he took their cats and they were like, well, we don't need the cats anyway. And then he took their children. Perfect. And in the politically correct version, I guess the townspeople, instead of hiring a strange man to get rid of all of the undesirables in their town, actually invested in some social programs that actually helped that community get rid of all of the undesirables in their town actually invested in some social programs that actually helped that community and then all members of the town were able to live happy lives and they all lived happily ever after except the rats except the rats