Fairy Tale Fix - 78: That’s The Moral, There Is None

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Sad Victorian Bisexual Boy Christmas! Kelsey and Abbie regale each other with the traditional Hans Christian Andersen double feature with Kelsey reading The Red Shoes, and Abbie reading the Beetle. CW: These stories come with strong undertones of religious trauma and narcissistic behavior, but would it even be Christmas without them?

🎵 Hello and welcome back to Fairytale Fix. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. And this is the podcast, the What the Fuck Fairytale podcast, where we read each other classic fairy and folk tales from around the world. And then we fix them for a modern audience or more likely just, just how for us, what we think, how the, how we think the short,

the story should have ended. Damn. That was a really good intro. Go team. Thank you. I was like, maybe I'll start singing like a Christmas tune. And then I was like,

no, that's cheesy. Plus other podcasts do that. And I was like no that's cheesy plus other podcasts do that and I feel like I'm copying them copying or being inspired by definitely inspired is it copying or homaging

an homage to the very first podcast I ever listened to and that's why we drink Christmas time is here. They really are just the most adorable hosts. I love them. They're super cute. Super adorable. And they're trendsetters and they should be proud of themselves. Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Well, how are you doing? Today, by the time this episode comes out, is the day after Christmas.

So we will be done with our Yuletide Advent calendar. We'll be done with the holidays. Oh, thank God. Are you ready? I'm so ready. I'm always ready. I'm always ready. Right around this time is where I was

kind of like no right okay can it be done now I get it I've gone to way too many honestly I've actually been to more birthday parties than like holiday parties you know so many winter babies I really do and I feel for them but also like god damn it I'm tired of going places can you move your birthday to a more convenient time I can't believe you had the audacity

to share your birthday with the lord himself it's just Jesus's birthday that's it. Presumptuous of you. So rude. Yeah. My niece's birthday is on the 23rd,

which is a rough. My mom's is on the 13th. Oh, we're going to dinner tonight. I'm actually, I am actually really excited to spend time with my mom, but then, um, and Mel's birthday was yesterday, so I went over there yesterday. And it's just a lot of stuff happening.

And I want it to stop. Well, good news for you. It is. At the time this episode releases, it is over. news for you it is at the time this episode releases it is over now it's time to settle into truly the best time of the year which is relaxing and hibernating and as you said rotting away while you play video games yeah that is what i would like to do i have been playing velroo that viking survival game noeru the name of one of our patrons? I have been playing Valheim,

a survival Viking survival game. Cut that out. I make no promises because I think that's super funny. My bad. Valeru on the brain. I do i do yeah speaking of yes we wanted to thank our

patrons yes excellent segues speaking of veil ruse speaking of our patrons in general uh we have a few new patrons to welcome to our patreon team uh we would like to offer a huge huge thank you to linda jacklyn eagle king 64 very active on our discord very funny and uh as of yesterday it took me to task for missing several innuendos and i feel properly chastised i would also like to thank violet and charlotte uh our two newest patrons oh thank you, everyone, who subscribes to our Patreon. We really couldn't do it without you. We appreciate you so much. We hope that you

enjoy the backlog of bonus episodes. There are 23 of them now. 23 glorious, glorious episodes. It's a veritable advent calendar plus some.

And arguably they're always the most fun. Yes. I think that we have a lot of fun over there. We have a lot of fun in the main feed too but if you want to hear

some truly unhinged garbage that is where you should go. We also want to thank our job creating dragons and fairy overlords, Angel Espinoza, Sin, that's my mom, Elizabeth, Dami, Kaylee, Caroline, Melissa, Rabia, and Giselle. You're the best. Thank you.

Thank you so much. We love you. We love you. Thank you so much. We love you. We love you. I also have, I'm also going to be doing my end of the year.

Like I send all of our patrons cards at the end of the year, just as like a thank you for still being a patron. And I send out some stickers and I got some exclusive new stickers. I only ordered 50 of them. And currently we have 40 patrons. So if you want one of these exclusive stickers, what do they say, Kelsey? They say, just say chicken. They're much cuter than the ones that are on our website right now. It has a very cute little like image of a of a cock. Oh, I don't know. Why'd you surprise me with that i thought you were gonna say chicken like we

agreed i'd like we agreed and he also looks like he wants you to just say chicken it's very cute i'll post a picture of it but i haven't gotten them in yet i'm really hoping they come soon um but yeah so if you want one of those sign up at fairytalefix.cash or you know patreon.com forward slash fairytalefixpod and yeah they're first come first serve so if you want one best go sign up yeah receive the best not gift because you're actually giving us things and then we give you things in return so but receive the best solstice transaction you'll ever yeah just a little way to say thank you that we really appreciate you being a patreon member and a patron of patreon and if you haven't been following along on our yuletide

monster advent calendar on instagram i have put them in our highlights reel. So if you want to see me unveil my Yuletide Monsters every day, they're on Instagram. So Abby, do you want to see what today's Yuletide Monster is? I do want to see. Okay. Do you have any predictions for who it might be? A chupacabra. We've already gotten the chupacabra.

Oh, a really big snake with a piece of mistletoe. I love it. That's what I hope it is. Okay. Today, the 16th. Today's Yuletide monster is... Is it a really big snake with a piece of mistletoe? I fucking wish.

It's Grila. Yay, Grila. Grila with a big ass cleaver. Fuck yeah, Grila. And that's an actual Yuletide monster. Yes. Yeah. Some of these have been questionable at best.

The last one was the Loch Ness monster in a Santa hat yeah I wouldn't call that a Yuletide monster just a cryptid also the one that really got me was uh Saint Nicholas because the if you read the story Saint Nicholas was not the monster he was the good guy. Yeah. He saved the children. So I think we need to find Lauren Anko O'Leary and make some official complaints. Yeah.

I'm just kidding. I love this so much. I think this is the best. I thought Glila was going to be like the 21st or the 25th. I have no idea who the two big monsters are going to be at all at this point. We'll see. We've already done all the ones I know. Unless it's capitalism.

Like that would be so goddamn hilarious. That would be hilarious. How would you represent capitalism as a monster? Like Santa, Santa Claus or a present or a guy in a business suit. It's just a picture of Elon Musk. It's a picture of God. A monster, a true monster. Oh, my God. That's getting's getting too what if it's a mirror oh my god that makes me want to make an advent calendar that's like that i think that'd be so

funny a thought a thought perhaps for next year oh my gosh grilla and she has her yule cat there in the corner i think oh that's good okay the yule couture and that i'm obsessed with oh and i keep forgetting to post pictures of the yule couture and so i'm doing that today you're doing it today it's on top of everything everyone so on top of it it's fine it's not like this is like one of the busiest times of year ever with just the busiest job and the most things to do and i'm barely hanging on but it's okay it's okay got this you've got this think about think about it this way it's already over just pretty pretty much yeah just getting that. It's already over. Pretty much. Just getting that mindset.

It's already over. It's already over. I did it already. I keep honestly telling myself, just enjoy the simulation. Just enjoy the simulation. Just enjoy the ride. At this point, I'm pretty sure we are living in a simulation. That's my personal philosophy.

And that's when I just keep reminding myself it's just it's not real it's not real it's just ones and zeros calm it down it's fine so but in all honesty i think i need to go start going to therapy and get some get on some anxiety medication. Probably. Oh, you know, it's funny. I was telling, I sent you that.

I sent you this thing on from Instagram that said, you know, I hope this email doesn't reach you. I hope. Hold on. Wait, I have to read it. Cause it was just my favorite.

I hope this email does not find you. I hope your chair has overgrown with moss. I hope a pleasant but unobserved beam of light hits your desk perfectly through the collapsed ceiling. I hope the silence is deafening. And he sent that and I, because I love it. I find that so like calming for some reason. And I read it to Adam and he was horrified. What really? Yeah, he was just like, I think you do need anxiety meds. Like, if that's what's coming to you. I don't know. I actually I also find the image kind of soothing. I know. It's like, and it puts things into perspective where it's like it's all it all really doesn't matter. It's gonna

be okay. That's gonna be okay. The email didn't find you and that was actually fine because they didn't need you. Not really. And there's a beautiful beam of sunlight and it's just it's quiet. God damn it. I hope the silence is deafening.

That's gonna be my out-of-office message. I'm just kidding. I wish if I didn't think I'd get fired, more people would be really worried. I suppose. I guess the I hope the silence is deafening part is a little concerning, I guess. That's my favorite part. It just gets like a little unhinged i mean that said like you know if you want to explore anxiety medication i think that would

be good too yeah you deserve it you deserve whatever you need to like feel quiet inside yeah because right now it's just constant bees and buzzing and like that sounds really upsetting oh it's just it's not like upsetting it's more just annoying it's like and that's why i drink I just saved a bug from my bathroom and it reminded me I wanted to tell I wanted to give let everyone know that we caught radicans the final update we caught radicans we let him free out into the wild he's I'm sure he's much colder. No, poor guy. I actually felt kind of bad. Yeah, putting him out in the winter.

But he'll be fine. I'm sure he's already in another house. He's probably already back here. And then almost immediately after we caught radicans, we caught two mice in a row. Like we caught one almost right after. And then right after I released that one, we caught another one. How do you know it wasn't the same mouse? It was like an hour later. Oh.

It was an hour. Maybe it was like six hours later. Now they both live at the tree farm. I'm sure they're very – there's lots of coverage. I'm sure they're fine. I bet they're fine. They're both very cute. And there is still a rat up there.

I actually think they must not have been friends because the mice immediately went into the trap, which makes me think the rat was keeping them away from it. I think they were scared of him, yeah. Probably. He was huge. Yeah. Probably. He was huge. Yeah. He was a big rat. And cunning.

Uh-huh. It's smart. So smart. Oh, my gosh. So glad we finally caught him. That was an ordeal. Yeah. So you've got one more rat to go then.

Yeah. We think there's one more rat up there, but we don't see it very often. And the little, like, trap is is set and we haven't seen him so hopefully hopefully he just leaves we also put up some like these sound things that make like a noise that apparently rats don't like okay so wow so much effort to get these rats out of your fucking attic like it's crazy it was kind it was fun releasing them though like it was neat to kind of see them and then i don't know why i felt so bad like kicking them i mean you know it's winter it's winter and like rats and mice are cute they are they're so cute i took terrible videos i probably won't

post any because i I had a lot of adrenaline. The mouse one was hard because I had to go up into the attic myself and I'm very scared of heights. I've actually never gone into our attic before, but I was home alone and I didn't want to wait. I didn't want to keep him in there and have him be scared for several hours until Adam got back so i went up and did it myself and that was the most scary part was just climbing the ladder yeah i just had to climb a ladder up really high and i really didn't like it so i didn't want to make him sit there and like be freaked out stuck in a cage for that long so i did. You're very sweet.

Stupid. But anyway, so good news to the rat story. A happy ending. They all live out at the tree farm. And I actually took the rat a different place than I did the mice. So maybe they will get bullied anymore. I don't know. They'll be bullied by a different rat that already lives at the tree or a hawk or a fox who knows yeah whatever circle of life hoxie eat too damn nature you scary okay

so i have such a good story it is christmas time it's yuletide time. That means it is time for sad Victorian boy Christmas. Yes. Oh, hit me. I am reading you The Red Shoes by Hans Christian Andersen. Amazing. I'm so excited. I have never read this one. Good. I'm glad. It's so classically HCA. You're going to love it. Although I'm going to give you a tiny hint. I think maybe I should have read this one at Halloween. And that's the only hint I'm going to give you. I don't know if that's really a hint. Just to give you a vibe for the story. This is like a, this is a fun one. It's a little spooky. this fun one it's a little spooky um okay uh there's a ghost um there's lots of blood lots of blood and uh my my perennial evergreen hca uh story prediction it's weirdly horny. Weirdly horny. Okay. Almost all of them. But there are a few that are actually truly children's stories.

That's true. And not just one sexually frustrated man writing down his thoughts and feelings. I really want to re-listen to this. No, man. That was such a trip. That was so much fun. Did you blind read that one? Iisten to this. No, man. That was such a trip. That was so much fun. Did you blind read that one? I can't remember.

No, no. You sent it to me, though, as a suggestion. You took pictures of that story from your HCA book. Yeah. It was pretty short. It was so good. It was pretty short. It was so good.

I love it so much. All right. It's so dear to my heart. I'm so excited to tell you the red shoes. And this was written in 1845. I like that it has the years on them. I think that's cool. There once was a little girl, very nice and very pretty, but so poor that she had to go barefooted all summer.

And in winter, she had to wear thick wooden shoes that chafed her ankles until they were red. Oh, as red as could be. In the middle of the village lived old mother shoemaker. She took some old scraps of red cloth and did her best to make them into a little pair of shoes. They were a bit clumsy, but well-meant, for she intended to give them to the little girl. She made them out of bread cloth? Yeah, she had some extra, like, red scraps, girl she made them out of bread cloth yeah she had some extra like red scraps so she made oh red cloth not bread cloth yeah red sorry no i just i just kept hearing bread for some reason i don't know why i'm hungry red do you need to go get a snack? No, I'm fine.

Her name was Karen. Aw, little Karen. Little Karen. The first time Karen wore her new red shoes was on the very day that her mother was buried. Of course, they were not right for mourning, but they were all she had, so she put them on and walked bare-legged after the plane wicker coffin just then a large old carriage came by with a large old lady inside it she looked at the little girl and took pity on her and she went to the parson and said give the little girl to me and i shall take good care of her oh okay okay um this is you know in the 1800s so they're like yeah whatever you can just go to the local the local parson who i assume is a priest uh and say give me that kid just give me that kid i want that one that one karen was sure that this happened because she wore red shoes but the old

lady said the shoes were hideous and she ordered them burned karen was given proper new clothes she was taught to read and she was taught to sew people said she was pretty but her mirror told her you were more than pretty you are beautiful oh okay that's so hca that's very hca always about looks with this guy. Yep. Always about looks and always like, don't worry. You're the best. You're the most beautiful. I like that, though. That's a, that bitch in the mirror. You know?

Yes. Self-love. It happened that the queen came traveling through the country with her little daughter, who was a princess. Karen went with all the people who flocked to see them at the castle. The little princess, all dressed in white, came to the window to admire her. She didn't wear a train and she didn't wear a gold crown, but she did wear a pair of splendid red Morocco shoes. Of course, they were much nicer than the ones old mother shoemaker had put together for little Karen. But there was nothing in the world like a pair of red shoes. Of course, they were much nicer than the ones old mother shoemaker had put together for little Karen, but there was nothing in the world like a pair of red shoes.

When Karen was old enough to be confirmed, new clothes were made for her and she was to have new shoes. They went to the house of a thriving shoemaker to have him take measure of her little feet. In his shop were big glass cases filled with the prettiest shoes and the shiniest boots. They looked most attractive, but as the old lady did not see very well, they did not attract her. Among the shoes, there was a pair of red leather ones

that were just like the ones the princess had worn. Perfect. How perfect they were. The shoemaker had made them for the daughter of a count but they did not quite fit her is there like is it what what do we think the significance is of like red shoes is red like a good luck color in this instance or i have opinions but i don't think i can talk about them yet well okay we'll get there we'll get there. We'll get there. I think it may become clear. Okay. In a very perfectly HCA fashion. Oh, God.

They must be patent leather to shine so, said the old lady. Yes, indeed they shine, said Karen. As the shoes fitted Karen, the old lady bought them, but she had no idea they were red. If she had known that, she never would have let Karen wear them to confirmation, which is just what Karen did. Every eye was turned toward her feet. I know people are really, really red for the devil or something. I mean, when she walked up the aisle to the chancellor of the church, it seemed to her as if even the portraits of the bygone ministers and their wives in starched ruffs and long black gowns, even they fixed their eyes upon her red shoes. She could think of nothing else, even when the pastor laid his hands upon her head and spoke of her holy baptism and her covenant with God and her duty as a Christian. and her covenant with God, and her duty as a Christian.

The solemn organ rolled, the children sang sweetly, and the old choir leader sang too, but Karen thought of nothing except her red shoes. This little bitch is going to get punished for her vanity somehow. Oh no, what are you talking about? It's going to be fine. Everything's fine. All of Hans Christian Andersen's stories are happy in the end, right? Yeah, 100%. They're notably cheerful.

That's why we do them for Christmas. Yeah. For cheerful Victorian bisexual boy Christmas. Yep. Holiday hilarity. Before the afternoon, the old lady had heard from everyone in the parish that the shoes were red. She told Karen it was naughty to wear red shoes to church. Highly improper.

In the future, she was always to wear black shoes to church, even though they were her old ones. Next Sunday, there was Holy Communion. Karen looked at the black shoes, and she looked at her red shoes. She kept looking at her red ones until she put them on. Hell yeah, girl. Wear the shoes that make you feel pretty. Yes. Be your true self.

Be your true self. It was a fair, sunny day. Karen and the old lady took the path through the cornfield where it was rather dusty. At the church door, they met an old soldier who stood with a crutch and wore a long, curious beard. It was more reddish than white. In fact, it was quite red. He bowed down to the ground and asked the old lady if he might

dust her shoes. Karen put out her little foot, too. Oh, what beautiful shoes for dancing, the soldier said. Never come off when you dance, he told the shoes, as he tapped the soul of each of them with his hand oh that's fey nonsense this is definitely some fairy nonsense fairy nonsense the old lady gave the soldier a penny and went on into the church with karen

all the people there stared at karen red shoes, and all the portraits stared too. When Karen knelt at the altar rail, and even when the chalice came to her lips, she could think of only her red shoes. It was as if they kept floating around in the chalice, and she forgot to sing the psalm. She forgot to say the Lord's Prayer. Uh-oh. Then church was over. Oh, the devil gets you now. He's gonna get you then church was over and the old lady got into her carriage karen was lifting her foot to step in after the old soldier said oh what beautiful shoes for

dancing karen couldn't resist taking a few dancing steps and once she began her feet kept on dancing it was as if the shoes controlled her she danced around the corner of the church she simply could not help it the coachman had to run after her catch her and lift her into the carriage but even there her feet went on dancing so that she gave the good old lady a terrible kicking only when she took her shoes off did her legs quiet down. When they got home, the shoes were put away in a cupboard and Karen would still go and look at them. Of course. So these are like literally cursed shoes that she's obsessed with.

Yeah, cursed shoes. Yep. Shortly afterward, the old lady was taken ill and it was said that she could not recover. She required constant care and faithful nursing. And for this, she depended on Karen. But a great ball was being given in the town and Karen was invited. She looked at the old lady who could not live in any case.

She looked at the red shoes for she thought there was no harm in looking. Okay. And she's dead anyway. And she's gonna die anyway anyway she might as well die sooner i want to go to the ball i want to go to the ball okay well i guess the i guess the red shoes really have sucked karen's soul out so there's no harm in looking but she put them on for she thought there was no harm in that either. But

then when she went to the ball and began dancing, when she tried to turn to the right, the shoes would turn to the left. And when she wanted to dance up the ballroom, her shoes danced down. They danced down the stairs, into the street, and out through the gate of the town. Dance she did,

and dance she must, straight into the dark woods. Suddenly something shone through the trees and she thought it was the moon, but it turned out to be the red-bearded soldier. He nodded and said, oh, what beautiful shoes for dancing.

Is that not the creepiest thing you've ever heard? Creepy. I literally have little goosebumps going up my arm right now. That's genuinely spooky. So creepy. He cursed those shoes. He sure did. Like on purpose.

Yeah. I didn't, I don't know, like I was kind of half thinking like, oh, maybe it's a weird coincidence. But no, there's no way. He's a fairy creature slash the devil. Definitely. She was terribly frightened and she tried to take off her shoes. She tore up her stockings, but the shoes had grown fast to her feet. And dance she did, for dance she must.

All over the fields and valleys, in the rain and in the sun, by day and night. It was the most dreadful by night. She danced over an unfenced graveyard, but the dead did not join her dance. They had better things to do. She tried to sit on a pauper's grave where the bitter fennel grew, but there was no rest or peace for her there either. And when she danced toward the open doors of the church,

she saw it guarded by an angel with a long white robes and wings that reached from his shoulders down to the ground. His face was grave and stern, and in his hand he held a broad, shining sword. He's gonna cut her feet off? Dance you shall, he told her. Oh, jeez.

No, he's pissed. I think cutting her feet off would be punishment. Definitely. You know, that's true. Maybe later. Dance in your red shoes until you are pale and cold and your flesh

shrivels down to the skeleton. Dance, you shall, from door to door and wherever the children are proud and vain, you must knock at the door till they hear you and are afraid of you. Dance you shall. Dance always. Have mercy upon me, screamed Karen. But she did not hear the angel answer. Her shoes swept her out through the gate and across the fields along the highways and byways forever and always dancing. One morning she danced by a door. She knew well,

there was a sound of a hymn and a coffin was carried out, covered with flowers. Then she knew the old lady was dead. She was all alone in the world now and cursed by the angel of God dance. She did and dance. She must through the dark night. Her shoes took her through thorn and briar and scratched her until she bled. She danced across the wastelands until she came to a lonely little house she knew this was where the executioner lived and she tapped

with her finger on the window pane oh my god is it gonna be a please kill me situation come out she called come out i can't come in for i'm dancing okay okay the executioner said you don't seem to know who i am i strike the heads off of bad people and i feel my axe beginning to quiver oh okay it's all spooky yeah don't strike off my head for then i could not repent of my sins said karen but strike off my feet with the red shoes on them she confessed her sin and the executioner struck off her feet with the red shoes on them the shoes dance away with her he's just really good at his job i guess he's because like what kind of dancing is she doing like what kind of dance are we talking like how much stepping is there i probably just waited until she's, because like, what kind of dancing is she doing? Like, what kind of dance are we talking? Like, how much stepping is there?

I don't know, I probably just wait until she's like, maybe like doing a little ballet twirl or something. And then he goes, ka-cha. Yeah, he's just, all right. He's highly qualified. And his axe seems to like, have like, really absorbed the blood of all of the people's heads. I know. I feel my axe beginning to quiver that's creepy yeah it's taken on a life of its own he also fights crime on the side

half of the criminals whose heads he cuts off he turned in himself. They call him the executioner. It's a superhero name. He's like a vigilante. Yeah, yeah. But he's like an anti-hero. Yes, definitely. That's why he lives out alone in the woods. Yeah, definitely.

So good. The executioner struck up her feet with the red shoes on them. The shoes danced away with her little feet over the field into the deep forest. But he made a pair of wooden feet and crutches for her. Oh, executioner slash woodsman. Woodcutter. I know. He's so multi-talented.

Oh, that's my fixes that they get married. And fight crime together. He seems like a catch. Oh, he does. He seems very multi-talented. That's cool. Good with an axe. Good with wood.

He can make you wooden feet. Good with his wood. He's good with his wood. I love a man who's good with his wood he's good with his wood i love a man who's good with his wood it's necessary uh he taught her a hymn that prisoners sing when they are sorry for what they have done she kissed his hand and held the axe but went back across the wasteland oh she kissed his hand that held the axe and then oh okay. I was like, she held the axe. I know. Did she take it from him? Then she cuts off his head.

Oh my god, that's the fix. Now she's the vigilante crime fighter with the wooden feet and the axe with the mind of its own. I don't know. I kind of want them to get married. He seems... What a meet cute, you know? What a meet cute.

Okay. All right. How does it actually end? Keep going. So she's going back home. And now I have suffered enough for those red shoes, she said. I shall go be seen again in the church. She hobbled to church as fast as she could. But when she got there, the red shoes danced in front of her and she was frightened and turned back. All week long, she was sorry and cried many bitter tears. But when Sunday came again, she said, now I have suffered and cried enough. I think I must be as good as many who sit in church and hold their heads high. She started out unafraid, but the moment she came to the church gate, she saw her red shoes

dancing before her. More frightened than ever, she turned away, and with all her heart, she really repented. She went to the pastor's house and begged him to give her work as a servant. She promised to work hard and do all she could. Wages did not matter, if only she could have a roof over her head and be with good people. The pastor's wife took pity on her and gave her work at the parsonage. Karen was faithful and serious. She sat quietly in the evening and listened to every word when the pastor read the Bible aloud. The children were devoted to her, but when they spoke of frills and furloughs and being as beautiful as the queen, she would shake her head. When they went to church next Sunday, they asked her to go too, but with tears in her eyes,

she looked at her crutches and shook her head. The others went to hear the word of God, but she went to her lonely little room, which was just big enough to hold her bed and one chair. She sat with her hymnal in her hand, and as she read it with a contrite heart, she heard the organ roll. The wind carried the sound from the church to her window. Her face was wet with tears, and she lifted up and said, Help me, O Lord. Then the sun shone bright, and the white-robed angel stood before her. He was the same angel that she had seen the night before at the door of the church,

but he no longer held a sharp sword. In his hand was a green branch covered with roses. He touched the ceiling with it. There was a golden star where it touched and the ceiling rose high. He touched the walls and they opened wide. She saw the deep-toned organ. She saw the portraits of ministers and their wives. She saw the congregation sit in the flower-decked pews and sing from their hymnals.

Either the church had come to the poor girl in her narrow little room, or it was she who had been brought to the church. She sat in the pew with the pastor's family, and when they had finished the hymn, they looked up and nodded to her. It was right for you to come, little Karen, they said. It was God's own mercy, she told them. The organ sounded, and the children in the choir sang softly and beautifully. Clear sunlight streamed through the window, right down to the pew where Karen sat.

She was so filled with the light of it and with joy and with peace that her heart broke. Her soul traveled along the shaft of sunlight to heaven, where no one questioned her about the red shoes. She dies? The end, yeah. i think she died in her room the angel comes and takes her to heaven and takes her to heaven um where no one would question her about the red shoes like did this girl die because she really liked this one pair of shoes so you know do you i don't okay so i was taking it and this is because of hca and like the whole like the royals come to town and he like had that tryst with a prince

i think it's about hca's feelings of homosexuality and him feeling like not maybe not ashamed of it but like it's against his religion. I feel like the red shoes is a metaphor for like his lust or his liking other men and that he did it anyway. I don't know. That's what I got from it. I can totally see that. I,

um, cause like, it's also like the princess also has these red shoes like that. She really admires and thinks are really cool. And then like the red shoes she did get, like were made for like another counts daughter. So I think it's also like one of those, like you shouldn't aspire to be like any better or any higher than you are yeah because like all the nobility have the red shoes

and then i like the bit at the very end where it's like and in heaven no one questioned her about the red shoes oh if it is like a homosexuality thing then oof i know yeah that's what i got out of it you know what i didn't look it up but i wanna i wanna look it up real fast yeah because i'm curious about like when he wrote it like i know i need to make that doing i need to make that stupid timeline but i don't know that it just that's what it made me think of because of him like him not thinking he's like good looking enough but then a prince comes and like tells him he is and he kind of lived that fairy tale life but then he had so much in inner struggle with his religion it doesn't say on wikipedia yeah i'm not seeing any like kind of metaphors but yeah it could definitely be vanity

too i think that was just me like looking for if i hadn't known anything about hans christian anderson that's not where i wouldn't have gone with my yeah I mean I do I do like I can totally see I can totally see where that came from of like feeling like it's something something you want like I mean regardless of like what it is it's something you want like something that you covet something that makes you feel good um yeah a little too good definitely um and god has decreed that that's making you feel too good and you shouldn't want it you're not you're not thinking about god when you're thinking about the red shoes quote unquote what like regardless of what the red shoes are for you yeah you're too

busy thinking about that and not paying attention in church yeah and not paying attention in church so yeah i can totally see that as like a metaphor for like any kind of sex that you're finding really enjoyable um any temptation any temptation yeah from the Wikipedia, though, it looks like he named Karen after his own loathed half-sister. He did not like his half-sister. And the story is based on an incident that Anderson witnessed as a small child. His father was a shoemaker. A rich lady sent him a piece of red silk to make a pair of dancing slippers for her daughter and using some red leather along with the silk uh he carefully created a pair of shoes only for the

rich customer to tell him they were awful uh oh man she thought that him adding the leather spoiled the silk that she sent him. Huh. And he apparently said, in that case, I may as well spoil my leather too. And he cut the shoes up in front of her. Oh my gosh. Petty. But also, you know, that makes sense. Because apparently like red leather was really valuable. So he thought that he was, like, really doing a quality improvement.

Uh-huh. Anyway. Rich people have always been assholes. Oh, yeah. Always. Is the point. Oh, my goodness. Well, I...

Do you still... Would the fix for you still be, you want you wanted to marry the executioner that was definitely something i was feeling in the moment i i don't know it definitely has to i don't like the ending because of the religious aspect personally it makes me really uncomfortable especially the fact that she like even though the story the whole it makes me really uncomfortable, especially the fact that she eats. Like even the story, the whole story makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. So I didn't really come up with a fix. Yeah.

My fix is that I would love for Hans Christian Andersen to be alive today so we could ask him just every single question and have him go to therapy and gosh i just want to know what was going on in that big beautiful brain you know uh-huh yeah definitely like a huge candidate for like if you could talk to any historical figure yeah he might be number one to be honest but it would have but it would also be like i would want him to be able to live in this day and age and like be feel free to be himself and not feel that like religious guilt maybe i mean a lot of people still do yeah well because that's another thing that's actually that's such a great point too about like why why like i can totally see the red shoes is like a metaphor for homosexuality regardless of whether or not that's like what he

intended with it just because like i know that there said there is so much religious trauma for a lot of people where uh their like sexual orientation or their gender identity is concerned or even just what dressing the way that they want to dress, like just, just being yourself regardless of, you know, your identity, just not being able to be yourself and kind of going back to like any pleasure that you gain from something like,

or get good feelings at all. Yeah. Need to be punished. And then you need to repent of them. And then maybe if you're lucky, you'll die and go to heaven. Oh, you know,

it would make the story for me. Okay. Here's my fix. I got it. Let me, let me have it. I'm going to cling on to that. That red,

that red bearded man was a fairy. I want it to be just a, just a fairy nonsense story. She's just cursed by a fairy. I want it to be just a fairy nonsense story. She's just cursed by a fairy. It's not God. It's not God. It's not like she needs to repent. It's just that she,

maybe in the beginning or when she was young or something, she did something rude to a fairy and that was their payment, their payback. I love that. I think that would make the story because i actually i love the ending and it would be a really fun horror story totally during the dancing section of the story i really that's so scary because it's also like it implies that like it goes on for days for days and like she says like the nights were the worst and until the skin comes off your bones

like yeah oh dance until you waste away yeah so it's a great horror story i would love it to have that like more spooky ending where she does die yeah where that just happens to her because she got a fairy curse and that's, that's what you get. Yep. Maybe she was rude about the, like a different pair of shoes or something that a fairy offered when she was young. I don't know. Something like that.

Ooh, I love that. Well, because then that would continue to establish her character is selfish as opposed to just like, cause so, cause so far for most of this, like the only thing that Karen probably should be punished for is not caring like the only thing that karen probably should be punished for

is not caring about the old woman that raised her and just kind of being like man she's gonna die someday because like i didn't get the vibe that like the woman that raised her was awful or like hurt her um i just got the sense that she was like this nice old rich lady that took her in yes that so that so that's the bit that like that like this nice old rich lady that took her in. Yes. So that's the bit that like that's where Karen is like selfish enough to be punished, in my opinion. And where it stops being purely a vanity thing, but then it switches back over to vanity in the story pretty quickly. But I do like the idea of like, you know, if earlier in her childhood, she, yeah, she like pissed off a fairy by calling his shoes ugly or something yeah because that then that establishes more of like oh this this this girl is selfish as hell or what okay so the fairy is actually the princess who has the red

shoes what if what if she didn't piss the fairy off what if the what if the fairy princess or whatever was just like pissed that you were like you want my red shoes and she's just like an evil ass fairy oh you like these shoes do you like them that could be a good that could be like a fun i love this so instead of karen's the antagonist it would be like she just got cursed by an evil fairy and the fairy princess sent her you know red bearded soldier to curse her shoes and then the executioner has to help her with the love we're bringing the executioner curse a chopping off her feet. That has potential. Beautiful.

Yes. It was a great story. Yeah. Too much, too much moral for my taste. I can't get behind. I honestly, I can't get behind the message on this one.

That like a good life is one where you sit quietly and are demure and keep your thoughts on God. Yeah. That you don't call attention to yourself, that you don't, you sit quietly and are demure and keep your thoughts on God. Yeah. I do that. You don't call attention to yourself that you don't, but you don't get the things you want or the things that make you happy or the things that make you feel beautiful. And you also don't get the things that make you stand out. Your job is to not stand out.

Yeah. That's why it's also so different from a lot of HCA stories. If it is about vanity, that's why I think I thinking that's why I was thinking it was more like a moral about like his own inner feelings yeah you're kind of talking me into it the more and more because he has a lot of stories about being yourself and being beautiful I don't know sometimes it doesn't work out for those characters though like the darning needle maybe it is yeah I don't know well and it doesn't work out for those characters, though. Like the darning needle.

Maybe it is. Yeah. I don't know. Well, and he seems like he himself flipped back and forth on this a lot, like in his stories. Like a lot of his maybe potentially his stories from when he was younger. Yeah. That worked out better. But but I don't know because people change. Yeah.

And he wrote so many of these things over the course of like a couple decades so interesting yeah super interesting what's going on in that man's brain gosh I want to talk to him because like there's because there's really there's no way to know like you know yeah we can all we can do is guess and analyze. And think about how the story makes us feel today. Yeah, that's true. Really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Although it was really great.

I love his writing. I love the story. I want to see it as a horror movie. He was so great at creating, like, just creating magic. Like, every single line just feels so magical yeah what a great writer speaking of very confusing feelings being a great writer speaking of are we are we are we moving on to the next story are you are you gonna tell me an hca story i am but first you have to tell me if any of my predictions uh count oh, yeah. I would like to make an argument for there being a ghost.

For being a ghost. Well, because I think the shoes... I was going to say an argument for being weirdly horny. She was horny for those shoes. She was real horny for those shoes. But I just... There wasn't enough there there for me to uh argue for the horniness now i am arguing on behalf of their uh there was blood her feet did bleed and was blood

but was there lots of blood i hey this bitch this bitch danced for literal days in stiff leather shoes over hill, over dale, all day long, all night long. And they got her feet chopped off. Those feet were bleeding. And they got chopped off. I bet there was a lot of blood. I'll give you that one. It doesn't say explicitly, but it stands to reason that there would be a lot of blood. I bet she bled all

over the place that's fair i bet those shoes were red for more than just the fact that it was dyed red my second argument is that uh her shoes and the accompanying chopped off feet were haunted and thus there was a ghost. No, definitely not. That was, they were cursed. There was no ghost, but I will give you a point for lots of blood.

And you know what? As a Christmas bonus, I'm going to give you points for weirdly horny because. Oh, okay. I'll take it. I think it was. Oh yeah. you think it was weirdly horny she couldn't stop thinking about them that was all like she was like i'm just gonna look at him that's no harm in just looking at them and then i'm just gonna put him on it'll be fine that'll be fine

and it was not in fact we're taking it especially if we're taking it as your metaphor for like trying to ignore your own bisexual feelings yeah your sexual desires fine yeah i'll take weirdly horny because from that angle yes it is weirdly horny uh but there was no ghost in fact he actually says the dead had better things to do i like that line a lot that dad did not join the dead had better things to do i like that line a lot that dad did not join her they had better things to do they did have better things to do okay i'll take it okay so you got two points good job thank you to answer your question of earlier i am going to read you a different HCA story. Woohoo!

This story was, I believe, recommended to us by someone we follow on Instagram? Yep. Yeah, so a huge thank you to Chloe or The Cozy Cryptid on Instagram for recommending this story. Chloe's an entomologist, and we had a great conversation about bugs and Chloe's also an artist so definitely go check them out they have some awesome artwork and we had a great conversation about earwigs

because I was like those are my least favorite bugs and Chloe's like they're actually like the most caring mothers and she described them as just little guys who eat moss and i was like there's no way you were gonna make me an earwig lover but that was really adorable sounding that was a good try chloe

but yeah so apparently earwigs are great mothers okay which i love and i love that an entomologist uh recommended we read the beetle the beetle and then when I called it Abby was like you can't call all the HCA stories it did so I'm letting you have this one yeah thanks Kelsey I'm really excited though um Chloe said it was great for like the holiday season too I think oh okay so i'm stoked so i don't think either of us have read this one before yeah so we each get to make predictions predictions yeah would you like to go first yes i want to go first i predict i feel so prepared because we just read a story too I think the beetle is gonna be vain okay I love it okay um I predict oh how long is it do I do are we doing three predictions for the whole thing

I'm thinking so because fairytales.com, which is where the story is, it says it's a 16 minute read. Oh, wow. Okay. So it's a little longer. I feel like there's says it's longer. We'll see.

Okay. The beetle is going to be vain. I predict that. It's a Christmas story. So there's gonna be presents oh okay and i want to roll over weirdly horny no it's a beetle story maybe not no i'm keeping it weirdly horny weirdly horny let's go let's do it. That's what I want, to be honest.

That's always what, like ever since the snowman, that is always what I want from an HCA story. The snowman is so far still been the greatest, horniest Christmas story of all time. A masterpiece. I legitimately am thinking about adding like, like one of those old fashionedfashioned stacked stoves to my

fairy tale tattoo because i love that story so much oh but you have to have some water melting around it definitely um some people are worth melting for ab Abby. Oh, it kills me every time. Because it's so horny, but it's also so lovely. Stupid HCA. To be fair, I think I was, I don't know if that's a quote from that actual story. I was quoting Olaf from Frozen. Oh, okay. Well, it still applies.

It does. Because he would have melted for her if he could have melted for her 100 okay my predictions um i think that the beetle the beetle's bad trait no you know okay i think the i think someone in this story is selfish, and that's the lesson they need to learn. Okay. The beetle is not the main character, which I know is a spicy take. That is a spicy take. And the nice Christian lesson we're supposed to learn at the end of this is about

being kind to small things. Oh, I like that. Me too. I genuinely really like that when that's the moral of any story. So that's what I want. And that gives me cozy Christmas feelings. Yeah, me too. I mean, I just saved Bug from my bathroom

because he's on the floor. Dude, you're going to get squished. I'm going to step on you. I don't even know what it was. It was like one of those weird long tree bugs flying around. well any bug that ends up in your any any any vermin really that ends up in your house um ends up getting the gentlest treatment oh god and i think that's lovely i think that's so wonderful i admire you very much i just love the little animals i think of you every time I see a spider and decide to rescue it instead of. Yeah.

They're good luck. Okay. Okay. Here is the beetle. The emperor's favorite horse was shod with gold. It had a golden shoe on each of its feet. And why was this? golden shoe on each of its feet. And why was this? He was a beautiful creature with delicate legs,

bright, intelligent eyes, and a mane that hung down over his neck like a veil. He had carried his master through the fire and smoke of battle and heard the bullets whistling around him, had kicked, bitten, and taken part in the fight when the enemy advanced, and had sprung with his master on his back over the fallen foe and had saved the crown of red gold and the life of the emperor which was more valuable than the red gold and that is why the emperor's horse had golden shoes okay okay we know a lot about this horse thanks to the explanation and a beetle came crawling forward first the great ones said he and then the little ones but greatness is not the only thing that does it and so saying he stretched out his thin legs there's a smith now i guess because the smith says and what do you want asked the smith says, and what do you want? Asked the smith.

Golden shoes, to be sure, replied the beetle. Clearly. Clearly. Look at these handsome six little feet. Why, you must be out of your senses, cried the smith. Do you want to have golden shoes too? Golden shoes, certainly, replied the beetle. Am I not as good as that big creature over there that is weighted on and brushed and has meat and drink put before him?

Don't I belong to the royal stable too? Oh, and they wouldn't cost very much. They'd be so tiny. They'd be so little. They'd be little tiny, tiny golden shoes. But once you do it for one beetle, you've got to do it for them all. I also wish I had predicted this was another story about shoes. Should have, should have.

It was a mistake. But why does the horse have golden shoes? Don't you understand? Asked the smith. Understand? I understand that it is a personal insult to me, cried the beetle. I love this beetle. Me too.

It is done to annoy me, and so I am going into the world to seek my fortune. Go along, said the smith. Good for them, you know? Good for them you know good for them you're a rude fellow cried the beetle and then he went off out of the stable flew a little way and soon afterwards found himself in a beautiful flower garden all fragrant with roses and lavender oh okay is it not beautiful here asked one of the little ladybirds that flew about with their delicate wings and their red and black shields on their backs. It's like a ladybug.

Is ladybird another word for ladybug? Uh-huh. Yeah, I've heard ladybird a lot. Isn't that weird? Also, I'm imagining this beetle to sound like Gilbert Gottfried because of the Thumbelina movie.

Oh, where it talks like this? Yeah, absolutely. Hey, toots. I need some golden shoes. I can't do this voice. That was a really good impression for you. Thank you. I won't be able to keep it up the whole time because I also enjoy thinking of the beetle as someone that talks like this.

Very dramatic. So the ladybugs really like it here they think it's very sweet they think it's very beautiful i'm comfortable with better things said the beetle do you call this beautiful why there isn't even a dung heap. Ass. Then he went on under the shadow of a great stack and found a caterpillar crawling along. How beautiful the world is, said the caterpillar. The sun is so warm and everything is so enjoyable. And when I go to sleep and die, as they call it, i will wake up as a butterfly with beautiful wings to fly with how conceited you are exclaimed the stag beetle

excuse me excuse me the audacity of this beetle sir the call is coming from inside the house fly about as a butterfly indeed i've come out of the stable of the emperor and no one there not even the emperor's favorite horse that by the way wears my cast off golden shoes has any such idea to have wings to fly. Why, we can fly now. And he spread his wings and flew away. Bye. Bye. Bye, bitch.

I don't want to be annoyed. And yet I am annoyed, he said as he flew off. I don't want to be annoyed. So sassy. Everyone else is just annoying him all over the place hca just makes the sassiest characters he really does soon after he fell down upon a great lawn and for a short time he lay there and pretended to be asleep and then at last he fell asleep for real suddenly a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds. The beetle woke up with

the noise and wanted to escape into the earth but could not. He tumbled over and over. Sometimes he was swimming on his stomach, sometimes on his back, and as for flying, well, that was out of the question. He doubted whether he should escape from the place with his life. He therefore remained flying where he was. When the weather had decreased a little and the beetle had rubbed the water out of his eyes, which again is just so cute with the tiny, he saw something shining. It was linen that had been placed there to bleach. He managed to make his way up to it and crept into a fold of the damp linen. Certainly the place was not as comfortable to lie in as the warm stable, but there was no better to be had. And therefore he remained lying there for a whole day and a whole night, and the rain kept on during all that time.

Towards the morning, he crept forth. He was very much cross about the climate. Still annoyed. Yes, he's cross about everything. This is just one cross beetle. Two frogs were sitting on the linen. Their bright eyes shined with pleasure. Wonderful weather this is, one of them cried.

How refreshing! And the linen keeps the water together so beautifully. My hind legs seemed to shake as if I was going to swim. I should like to know, said the second, if the swallow who flies so far around in her trips, journeys, and foreign lands ever sees a better climate than this. What delicious dampness it really as if one were lying in a wet ditch whoever does not rejoice in this clearly does not love his

fatherland man i love toads me too i love that every animal the beetle has been encountering is really just like so pleased with their lot in life they honestly remind me of the darning needle. Going like, this is fine. I like this too. What's better than this? Yeah, this is great. This is great. This is exactly how I want it. Have you ever been in the emperor's stable? Ask the beetle. There, the dampness is warm and refreshing. That's the climate for me, but I cannot take it with me on my journey. Is there never a dung heap here in the

garden where an important person like myself can feel himself at home but the frogs either did not or would not understand him i never ask a question twice said the beetle after he had already asked this one or three times without receiving any answer gosh i, I love this beetle. So much tood. So much tood. So snotty. Then he went a little farther and stumbled against a fragment of pottery that certainly ought not to have been lying there,

but as it was there, it gave a good shelter against the wind and weather. Here dwelt several families of gross earwigs, and these did not require much socialization. Earwigs! Earwigs. Thanks. They freak me out. Thanks, Chloe.

They got the little pinchies and... Well, but I guess this is why this is like, I guess HCA knew earwigs were good mothers. Well, but I guess this is why this is like, I guess HCA knew earwigs were good mothers. The female members of the community were all full of pure maternal affection, and each one considered her own child the most beautiful and cleverest of all. Aw. Our son has engaged himself, said one mother. Dear innocent boy, his greatest hope is that he may creep one day into a priest's ear. It's very plain that,

and being engaged will keep him steady. What a joy for a mother. No, I still hate it. Uh, yeah, they might be great mothers, but if they're encouraging their children to crawl into my ear,

I hate them. It's on site. I will squish them our son said another mother has scarcely crept out of the egg when he was already off on his travels he's all life and spirits he'll run his horns off

what joy that is for a mother is it not so Mr. Beetle for she recognized the stranger by his horny coat you're both quite right said he so they begged him to walk in mother. Is it not so, Mr. Beetle? For she recognized the stranger by his horny coat. You're both quite right, said he. So they begged him to walk in, that is to stay, to come as far as he could under the bit of pottery. Now,

you also see my little earwig observed a third mother and a fourth. They are lovely little things and highly amusing. They are never ill-behaved, except when they are uncomfortable in their inside, but unfortunately one is very subject to that at their age. Doting mothers. Doting mothers.

I'm going to have to Google more about like how earwigs are good parents. Definitely. Later. I'm sure you could message Chloe and I'll get back to you ASAP. Probably will. Hello bugs. Then each mother spoke of her baby and the babies talked among themselves and made use of the little nippers they have in their tails to nip the beard of the beetle. Boo.

Like, like, give him a little shave. I guess. Or just pinching him. I think just pinching him. Dave, I guess, or just pinching him. I think just pinching him.

Yes, they are always busy about something. The little rogues said the mothers and they quite beamed with maternal pride, but the beetle felt bored by that. And therefore he inquired how far it was to the nearest muck heap. That is quite out in the big world on the other side of the ditch answered an earwig i hope none of my children will go so far for it would be the death of me that's cute it's so cute but i will try to get as far said the beetle and he went off without taking formal leave

for that is considered the polite thing to do and by the ditch he met several friends beetles all of them. Here we live, they said. We're very comfortable here. Might we ask you to step down into this rich mud? You must be tired after your journey. Certainly, replied the beetle. I have been exposed to rain and have had to lie upon linen, and being clean is a thing that greatly exhausts me. I also have pain in one of my wings from standing in a draught under a fragment of pottery it really is quite refreshing to be among one's companions once more cute okay very cute i like that the beetle like is very like no uh a dung heap that is where all classy people live

that's where everything should want to live a little little ethnocentric, but... A little bit, a little bit, but also you know, he knows what he likes. Perhaps you come from a different muck heap, said the oldest of them. Indeed, I come from a much higher place, replied the beetle.

I came from the emperor's stable where I was born with golden shoes on my feet. No, you weren't. I was born with golden shoes on my feet. No, you weren't. I was born with them now. I am traveling on a secret mission. You must not ask me any questions as I can't betray my secret. With this, the beetles stepped down into the rich mud.

There sat three young maiden beetles and they giggled because they didn't know what to say. The emperor's stable beetle. With the golden... With the golden... Well, you know, he doesn't have many more because he's on a secret covert mission, so... This beetle's kind of a fuckboy. Yo, oh, you know what? He actually kind of reminds me of barney a little bit because his story keeps getting more like there you go convoluted and now he's pretending to be a secret

agent it's gonna be neil patrick harris voiced by neil patrick harris now i love this i think you do a great job not one of them is engaged yet their mother, and the beetle maidens giggled again, this time from embarrassment. I have never seen greater beauties in the royal stables, exclaimed the beetle, who was now resting himself. Don't spoil my girls, said the mother, and don't talk to them, please, unless you have serious intentions. But of course, your intentions are serious, and therefore I give you my blessing. Hurrah, cried all the Beatles together, and our friend was engaged. Immediately after the engagement came the marriage, for there was no reason for delay.

All right. Okay, so the Beatles married now. The next day passed very pleasantly and the next intolerable comfort, but on the third, it was time to think of food for the wife and perhaps also for children already somehow you know what i don't think beetles live very long that's true maybe that's why he asked for golden shoes so soon he just didn't understand anything about the world i have allowed myself to be taken in said our beetle to himself and now there's nothing for it but to take them in in turn so said so done away he went and he stayed away all day and stayed away all night and his wife sat there or a forsaken widow so rude oh said the other beetles this fellow we received into our family is nothing more than a thorough wanderer. He has gone away and has left his wife as our burden. Jesus, that's rude.

Rude. Well, then she shall be unmarried again and sit here among my daughters, said the mother. Fie on the villain who forsook her. In the meantime, the beetle had been journeying on and had sailed across the ditch on a cabbage leaf. And in the morning, two persons came to the ditch. When they saw him, they took him up and turned him over and over and looked very learned, especially one of them, a boy. Yeah. I was like, I was wondering if it was going to be kids.

Allah sees the black beetle in the black stone and in the black rock. Is that not written in the Quran? Then he translated the beetle's name into Latin and spoke the black rock. Is that not written in the Quran? Then he translated the beetle's name into Latin and spoke about the creature's nature and history. The second person, an older scholar, voted for carrying him home. He said they wanted just such good specimens, and this seemed an uncivil speech to our beetle, and as a result, he flew suddenly out of the speaker's hand. Bye. Bye. Oh, no, thank you. Oh, that does not sound good to me.

As he now had dry wings, he flew a manageable distance and reached a hotbed where a sash of the glass roof was partially open. So he quietly slipped in and buried himself in the warm earth. Very comfortable it is here said he soon after he went to sleep and dreamed of the emperor's favorite horse had fallen and given him his golden shoes with the promise that he should have two more jesus so did he just ditch his family yeah okay he just straight up ditched his family. He just straight up ditched his family. That's why the mother was like, well, I guess that was a weird blip that we won't talk about ever again. My daughter is unmarried again. I was kind of thinking maybe he'd come back and bring the other Beatles to the stable.

Hell no. Yeah, no. Not so far. He might. I don't know. I don't think so, though. He's still dreaming about getting golden shoes. Yeah.

He's one track mind. One track mind. He's kind of an asshole. That was all very charming. When the beetle woke up, he crept forth and looked around him. What splendor was in the hothouse? In the background, great palm trees growing up on high. The sun made them look transparent, and beneath them, what a luxuriance of green and of beaming flowers,

red as fire, yellow as amber, or white as fresh-fallen snow. This is an incomparable amount of plants, cried the beetle. How good they will taste when they are rotted. A capital storeroom this there must certainly be relations of mine living here i will just see if i can find anyone with whom i may connect i'm proud certainly and i'm proud of being so good for you betty good for you yeah you know it's doing him and he prowled about in the earth and thought what a pleasant dream that was about the dying

horse and the golden shoes he had received suddenly a hand seized the beetle and pressed him and turned him round and round the gardener's little son and a companion had come to the hotbed had spotted the beetle and wanted to have their fun with him

first he was wrapped in a vine leaf then put into a warm trouser pocket he scrambled and scraped about there with all his might but he got a good pressing from the boy's hand for this which served as a hint for him to stay quiet then the boy went quickly toward the great lake at the end of the garden here the beetle was put in an old broken wooden shoe on which a little stick was placed upright for a mast, and to this mast the beetle was bound with a whole thread. Now he was a sailor and had to sail away. The lake was not very large, but to the beetle it seemed an ocean, and he was so astonished at its extent that he fell over on his back and

kicked out with his legs. The little ship sailed away. The current of the water seized it. But whenever it went too far from the shoe, one of the boys turned up his trousers and went in after it and brought it back to land. Cruel. Little kids.

Very amusing. Couldn't just load the shoe on its own. You have to put a bug in it. Yeah. He's it yeah he's the sailor yeah that's true you know what this beetle deserves it it's fine he does he ditched his he ditched his whole family but at length just as it went merrily out again the two boys were called away very harshly so that they hurried to obey ran away from the lake and left the little ship to its fate it drove away from the shore farther and farther into the open sea it was terrible work That's okay. Sirens can't get you then.

An excellent point, Kelsey. I'm sure that's going to come up sometime. You know, some guys ask for this. Then a fly came and paid him a visit. What beautiful weather, said the fly. I'll rest here and sun myself. You have an agreeable time of it. You speak without knowing the facts, replied the beetle.

Don't you see I'm a prisoner? Ah, but I'm not a prisoner observed the fly and he flew away. Bye. Bye. I love that. Wow. You're rude. Well,

now I know the world said the beetle to himself. It is a terrible world. I'm the only honest person in it. First. They refuse me golden shoes shoes then I have to lie on wet linen and then to stand in the draught to top all they fasten a wife upon me

then when I've taken a quick step out in the world and found out how one can have it there and how I wish to have it one of those human boys comes and ties me up and leaves me to the mercy of the wild waves while the emperor's favorite horse prances about proudly in golden shoes. That is what annoys me most of all, but one must not look

for sympathy in this world. My career has been very interesting, but what's the use of that if nobody knows it? The world does not deserve to be made acquainted with my history, for it ought to have given me golden shoes when the emperor's horse was shod, and I stretched my feet out to be shod too. I hope we get to hear from the horse at some point. Gosh, me too. You know what? That's probably going to be the fix for this story.

If I had received golden shoes, I should have become an ornament to the stable now the stable has lost me and the world has lost me it's all over what a narcissist uh-huh oh my gosh this beetle sucks this beetle sucks this beetle sucks but all was not over yet a boat in which there were a few young girls came rowing up look yonder is an old wooden shoe sailing along said one of the girls oh there's a little creature bound fast to it said another the boat came quite close to our beetle ship and the young girls fished him out of the water one of them drew a small pair of scissors from her pocket and cut the thread without hurting the beetle and when she stepped on shore she put him down on the grass oh she's a little kelsey yeah

big kelsey energy creep creep fly fly if you can she said liberty is a splendid thing this is what you have to say to every beetle that you release and the beetle flew up and straight through the open window of a great building there he sank down tired and exhausted exactly

on the mane of the emperor's favorite horse who stood at the stable when he was at home and the beetle also yep now let's hear from the horse about how he's going to suck. Where's the lesson? I

we're getting there. I'm almost down to the bottom of the page. The beetle clung fast to the mane and sat there a short time to recover himself. Here I am sitting on the emperor's favorite horse. Sitting on him just like the emperor himself, he cried. Oh my god.

He has learned nothing. Nope. But what was I saying? Yes, now I remember. That's a good thought and quite correct. The smith asked me why the golden shoes were given to the horse. Now I'm quite clear about the answer. They were given to the horse. Now I'm quite clear about the answer. They were given to the horse on my account.

Oh my God. And now the beetle was in a good temper again. I feel like I've had this person as a boss. You have had this person as a boss. Where it's like you take oh no oh my god where they're only happy if it's about them and other people are centering them the way they center themselves constantly and they take something and go this this was my idea somebody else's work and goes huh this this this is my idea. I did this.

Uh-huh. Yes, that meme. Or there's like a little comic where somebody draws something and somebody takes it and they like are looking at it and they're like, I did this. I did this. Oh, my gosh. I've definitely seen that. You probably showed it to me. Maybe.

I bet somebody put it in the discord probably oh boy um so the beetle's in a good mood again because he's thunk himself into a circle where everything really is about him and uh he thinks traveling expands the mind the sun's rays came streaming into the stable and shone upon him and made the place lively and bright the world is not so bad upon the whole said the beetle but one must know how to take things as they come the end oh my god that was such an unsatisfying ending that was lame chloe chloe i've got i got some thoughts and some feelings i also i have thoughts i have feelings what was that i mean it was how was that a holiday story it was very maybe i read that message wrong you know i think just, I think I just heard HCA and I went, oh, holiday. That's probably it. That was probably for me. That was probably for you.

It was very cute, but with a very unsatisfying ending. I thought for sure the horse would like, okay, here's my fix. The horse gives the beetle his shoes and squishes him. And he dies under the weight of the golden shoes. I love this. I was actually thinking something similar where it's like, oh, you want my shoes, do you? And he stomps on the narcissistic beetle. Oh, wow. I loved the story overall like it was very cute i like i love it like it honestly reminds me about like like a childhood animated movie of like this beetle's little adventure except that in the animated films from our childhood

the beetle would have actually like learned a lesson about humility. Why does Karen from The Red Shoes have to learn a lesson about humility, but this beetle doesn't? Yes! Oh my gosh. That's such a good point. I object. Why does little Karen have to dance

to death and get her feet chopped off? Uh-huh. And this beetle just gets to go back to the stable and continue to believe the world revolves around him. No. I'm going to give that story like

8 out of 10. Maybe 7 out of 10. It's a 7. And by HCA standards, it's a 5. You know what? It also would have been fun to have each

little creature. I mean, it had that one with the beetles kind of like talking about him after he left and called him a villain. But it would have also been fun to have each of the characters like talk shit about him after he left i would have liked that i think that would have been funny i think that also would have been funny um i'm thinking like an alternate ending like one of them is like your idea where the horse steps on him i think that's very funny you can have these shoes um that's great or maybe like the horse didn't doesn't even notice the beetle

like the beetle is that unimportant that like oh yeah he crawls on the ground and the horse just steps on him because it's a horse. Either that or the beetle has to reverse the journey to go home and he has to re-interact with all of these other characters. And kind of does that classic, you know, he's learned something on his journey home. Yeah, definitely. That would be way more satisfying. Yeah. I still think the horse would be way more satisfying. Yeah. I still think the horse one is the best one.

We do. That beetle sucked. This beetle sucks. That was fun. Thank you for telling me that story. Oh, thank you, Chloe,

for suggesting it. It was, it was good. Like I enjoyed it. I thought this was very cute cute i just think that the ending definitely needs some fixing uh-huh okay uh the beetle is gonna be vain so i definitely got that you got that right for sure uh were there any presents no no presents and what the beetle thought that he should be given a present but he didn't get one he didn't get any uh it was not i wouldn't call that one weirdly horny no and for you someone in the story is selfish is the lesson gosh there was like i mean that's true but there was no lesson he was selfish but he didn't learn a lesson so i don't think i get it

there was no lesson yeah the beetle was the was selfish, but he didn't learn a lesson, so I don't think I get it. There was no lesson. Yeah. The beetle was the main character, so he didn't get that point. And you predicted that the nice Christian lesson about being kind of small things. Nope. Nope.

Strikeout. He sure was selfish though. So like a point, a half point. You, a half point. You get a half point. Absolutely. You got two and a half points this round. Hooray.

Oh, gosh. Chloe, you like this story because you like bugs. And that's good. And good for you. Yeah, Chloe, message doesn't tell us what your fix is. We want to know if you have a fix or if you, if you like the ending.

I mean, you know, sometimes the story is just a story. It doesn't have to have a super awesome, satisfying one. Sometime, I mean,

honestly, I think the reason it's pissing me off so much is it's so realistic, you know? Yeah. Beetle, like, narcissistic beetle goes on journey of self-discovery only to self-discover that, like, he really enjoys where he had been the entire time, and he is the center of his own universe, and that really works for him. And then nothing happens to him after that. Yeah. Unsatisfactory.

Boo. Boo. No. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. That's the moral of the story there is none there is no moral people don't change and people suck so that's gonna that's gonna do it for us on fairy tale fix today as

the nice nice yule tide moral for our final episode of the year. I love it. You know, on a more positive note, I suppose. Thanks, all of our listeners. We got like a bunch of a bunch of new listeners this year. We're really excited that you joined us. We're really grateful to all of the people that have been around since the beginning or have joined us over time. We're glad that you're still really enjoying the show. We're, we're still really enjoying making it. Yeah.

Thank you so much. We hope you all had a, have a, well had, because this episode comes out after most of the winter holidays have wrapped up, but we all hope that you have a really lovely winter and have a great new year and we will see you in 2024 if you have not subscribed please do so if you have not left us a review or stars on spotify five please oh we got up to 80

thanks everybody yeah um if you love the show and you want to support us, you can get extra episodes, merch books, other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at fairytalefix.cash. As Kelsey mentioned at the top of the episode, you can also get some pretty sweet stickers if you sign up now, do it now. Until,

until they're gone. Until they're gone. Until they're gone. You can find us on the social medias, mostly Instagram at Fairytale Fix Pod. And you can also hit us up on our Discord. You can also send us emails at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And so little Karen was actually cursed by the fairy princess and her red bearded soldier. And it was all fairy nonsense.

And she danced to death. Or maybe she danced until the executioner saved her. And then they went and fought crime. Fairy crime. Oh, I love that. They go and fight fairy crime together. Excellent. Perfection.

And the beetle did all that, learned nothing, came home, and was about to crawl along the floor uh to go sleep in his dung heap and dream of the horse dying and giving him his shoes again uh but the horse doing was doing horse stuff and didn't notice the beetle crawling on the floor and just sort of casually smushed him to death and that was better for everyone. With his golden shoes. Exactly. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

The end.