Fairy Tale Fix - 81: #NotMyIvan: The Darkest Timeline

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

We're back with another of Abbie & Kelsey’s favorites – it's random reading time! Abbie continues our journey into the Ivanverse with the worst Ivan yet in What Happened To Ivan by Ruth Manning-Sanders, and Kelsey reads a fun dog-saves-the-day story with RMS's Niassa and the Ogre.

So that's probably where the story is from, maybe. Yeah, it just says Africa. Helpful. Africa is pretty big. You know, you know, the tiny continent of Africa. Hello, beautiful fairy creatures. Welcome back to another episode of Fairy Tale Fix. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby.

And this is the What the Fuck Fairy Tale Podcast, where we read each other classic fairy and folk tales from around the world, and then we fix them for a modern audience. Hell yes. We are here. It's another one. We're doing it again. We're doing it again.

Always, always such a joy to, like, be here with you and read each other some wonderful stories as a nice little break. Yes. some wonderful stories as a nice little nice little break yes i i'm really excited too because we both had the same brilliant idea to do some random ruth manning sanders stories today absolutely like kelsey and i have had an insanely busy past couple of weeks plus doing the snow queen was a lot so we have decided to treat ourselves to doing absolutely no prep work this week oh yeah no heavy lifting whatsoever no heavy lifting whatsoever sticking with sticking with an rms story theme because she is always reliable it's always going to be good and yeah we're just we're also gonna do we're just gonna do a little quick and dirty little quick and dirty episode oh yeah i'm super

stoked i know i just keep thinking about irish fairy tale month and how excited i am for it yes but we're not there yet we're're not quite there. Not quite there. It's actually really springy outside today, too. Oh, very nice. It's like high of 71. Mm-hmm. And, of course, all the little flowers are starting to bloom early for the February fakeout. Got to have that February fakeout.

Absolutely. We've been having it it just weather corner alert. We've been having a, a bit of a false spring in Baltimore as well, where like last week, last week we had a snowstorm, like a legit snowstorm and it was really cold and there was snow on the ground for like several days and then like friday it was almost it was like 80 at one point just random and now it's just kind of yeah i know it's well i mean you know climate change but but also like a bit of a bit of a february fake out yeah going on i'm not mad at it i'm not mad at it oh no it's warm today or like it's rainy but like warm rain not like freezing rain that's gonna make me feel chilled it's nice yeah anyway it was raining a bunch for just so long which i actually love i love it when it rains but it has

been very dreary and cloudy and then the one day that it was like super nice out like the sun finally peaked out and i had to go use the drone for work i had to go take some like drone footage which is always kind of fun and a little scary it's fun to operate but i get scared like of like hitting something like hitting a bird or? Hitting a bird or I'm really scared of it falling out of the sky and hitting a person because the blades are very sharp. And that just, I don't trust it. It scares me. You're giving me secondhand anxiety just thinking about it hitting a person. It's also like worth $8,000 or something like that.

Like it's a good drone an expensive one so yeah it's scary to use it but it's all it's a little thrilling it's fun and i took it out and i was like wow it's so beautiful out i get to be in a park i was just really enjoying myself and then i got attacked by a fuck ton of mosquitoes no and i remembered oh no warm weather means bugs yes so fast like immediately they hatch they hatch on the spot the one nice day and i just got absolutely attacked i am so sorry it was and i had a drone so i'm like swatting at these bugs above my head and like i don't know it was it was fun it was a time bit of a mixed bag yeah i got some good footage though i got some good pictures nice there was a dog at one of the parks that was very excited

about the drone and was just like going crazy barking and chasing it around it was hilarious that's so adorable i can't wait to see like if you got some good footage from i didn't because i was actually trying to land it and i had to ask the its owner and like oh sorry you gotta can you put it put him on a leash for just a second because the blades are so sharp i I get really scared. So it's not fun to play with the dog. Yeah. With that thing.

Yeah. Although it would have been kind of funny. I mean, if nobody got hurt, obviously. But it was really cute. Aw. I should have taken more videos. I get too nervous that I get the pictures I want. And then I try to bring it down immediately.

Like, I'm done. I did it nothing bad can happen now because I accomplished my task exactly so I had to practice with it a little more but maybe like I don't know give it give it another year of taking out the drone and you'll get comfy with it right so anyway spring it's coming. It's, it's still midwinter. I think this episode comes out February 6th. It does. And so now we're kind of,

we're getting into the, like the month of love. Oh yeah. So I'm going to try to go for romantic fairy tales. Cause I think this is a bonus episode month. Oh, it is. Two. So we can stack up on romance.

Romance. Oh, maybe I should do. I still need to translate that French fairy tale that I bought in Paris. Yes, do that one. I mean, I'm sure it's not romantic. I think it's called like the white mouse or something like that, but I need to. Maybe it's about a little white mouse who finds love.

And if it is, then we need to hear this story. That would be so cute. It would be so cute. We need more fairytale mice for sure. We do. This is something we need to work on. You know, I do have like one of my RMS

books is like the Book of Magic Animals. So I'm hoping. Is that the one you're reading from today? No, because I'm going to try to see if I can score a romance story. So and you said you were going to read from the Book of Princes and Princesses. I'm going to do the Book of Kings and Queens. Oh, okay. I like both books of like both and we'll see if we can get something romantic yeah usually if there's a king or a prince involved it's gonna be do you remember that's why i chose that one fairy tale buttercup i was like i think it's gonna be like princess buttercup and it's gonna be a nice cute fairy tale and it was about it was not yeah about little uh smitter smitter book i think is how you say it butterball or whatever butterball yeah so cute it was still a good one it was a great story it was

just very much not the vibe that we had assumed yeah definitely not what I was expecting. By the way, I actually rewatched the princess bride the other day. Ooh. How was that? If you haven't watched it in a while, you 100% should, because it's so good. I love that movie. I mean,

it's such a classic. I think I watched it last year because someone I know had never seen it. And this was determined, you know, quite rightly to be a great tragedy. Yes. Because everyone should see this movie. It's one of the best films ever done. If you think about it, maybe it's not a tragedy. Maybe that's because then they get to watch it for the first time. That's true. They get to experience the magic for the very first time. And it was, it was pretty magical. Me,

when we showed it to them, I can't remember who it was. I want to, I want to say Stephen had never seen it, but that sounds so wrong. Huh? Because we've been together for a decade and I'm sure, I'm sure that I put it on at least once.

It's so good. I want to, I think I want to be that old lady that booze for Halloween. Boo! Boo! Slime! Filth! Refuse!

I kind of want to be her for Halloween. I i think that'd be so funny especially if you're just in character booing at people so like get some rags and then like a really messy wig boo and every like i don't know pretty person i see oh i love this i was gonna say princesses but i don't think a lot of people like dress up like princesses or queens for halloween not unless they're a very very little girl and then if i booted a little girl you should not you should not go bully children god i want to do that don't go bully the children be good. I didn't realize that was Billy Crystal until this rewatch. No? Oh. Have fun

storming the castle. I always knew that I loved that character, but I didn't realize it didn't click in my head that that's Billy Crystal, and that made me laugh. He is under a lot of old man makeup. Uh-huh. I love it. It suits him, actually.

Yeah. Like everybody in that movie is so yeah like everybody in the movies doing these days i don't know is he still acting no i don't know i have no idea my no i'm not sure anyway all of my billy crystal knowledge is like mid-2000s or earlier related but yeah one thing one thing that i did think was really cute it's funny that you mentioned the princess bride because i've just like i've i just saw a video of mandy patinkin who plays inigo montoya you know his son is his son has been doing like this really interesting like video series where he interviews his father about just his life. So just a lot of good Mandy Patinkin goodness out there in the internet right

now. And he was talking about that sword fight in the princess bride where he and Carrie Elwes. Yeah. Do their, do their little duel. And he was just talking about how much fun the two of them had, like how it was the best time ever.

Yeah. They had great chemistry and they were really excited because like they they knew the fight really well but they had never done the entire fight all as one take before they had done bits of it in different spots and so the director told them like hey i want to get one more one more take of this fight but like i want you to do it i want you to do it all in one i'm going to mount a camera like on like on a really high like crane or like something like the way so that the camera can follow their motion from the top down so they got to do the giant hold it just hold it

up absolutely point it down at them cameraman now so they got to do the entire fight all all is one and they he said it was just the best time like he actually teared up oh thinking about how great that was it was adorable i love the princess. I love everybody in that movie. Is that a video or a podcast? It's a video. It's like a series of reels, I think, that his son is doing. I can send you. I'll send you the one that I watched. Do it.

I'm going to watch it. That sounds so sweet. It's so cute. It's so cute and adorable. The cast really seems to like each other, too, like still. Because they've done you know like princess bride anniversary and yeah they still meet up they still know each other but like everyone who's like done interviews about that movie like almost always says it was

one of the best times of my life no film so that's that's what you want to hear it is what you want to hear and i think that i think that reflects on camera i think people can feel that energy when people are like i don't know i i always get really like tear like teary when i find out like actors that are best friends on the show or like actually best friends in real life it's always yeah i love that shit that's so good me too like i i love it when you can tell that the actors are really having a good time like that that they're having a lot of fun making this thing together definitely yeah that's why psych is one of my top shows yes grubs uh the character everybody from gallivant clearly had an amazing time making the show supernatural anyway so oh they have great chemistry those guys i love them

yeah the best i love movies and tv i love movies and tv and everybody who works on them for the most part unless you're a scummy producer, but we don't have to go into that. Yeah. I mean, you could, if you wanted. No,

I'm good. I'm all about, I'm in good. I'm in, I'm in a good mood, good vibes only place right now. I love it. Well,

why don't you tell me, why don't you tell me a story? I am so excited to hear. It's when was the last time we did a Ruth Manning Sanders story? Not too long ago, back in November. You mean last year? Last year, wow. A horrible, very lengthy amount of time ago.

Back in the days of yore, that that was 2023 so it's clearly time to do clearly oh before we get into the stories though we do have a new patron to welcome on board candace yes we missed you last time we're so sorry thank you so much for joining our patreon we're really sorry we didn't get you the last episode but special shout out candace we really appreciate you thank you for uh joining our patreon you're a dream bonus episodes and a vision and we hope you're enjoying the bonus episodes and we also hope that you always have a good hair day and the clearest skin and the clearest skin from listening to this podcast and being a supporter of it so thank you very much

i also kelsey i'm just gonna be a little transparent here i ended my damp january early oh my god because i am having a pale ale and I deserve it. My damn January ended. I think January 14th. I got halfway. I got halfway ish. And then I was like, you know what? This is stupid.

I deserve a glass of wine. I just like to live my life. Thank you. I don't, I don't like, I can't do an all or nothing mentality. It doesn't work. It doesn't work for anything.

Nope. I mean, I am so incredibly proud of people who are sober. That is amazing. Good for you if that's what you need in your life. Absolutely. 100%. We are supportive. Fully supported.

And there should be like there should be like more places and things to do like out in the world that don't involve drinking. One hundred percent. That's what I that's what I've been trying to seek out is like more activities that like are not like alcohol culture focused as like a lifestyle change. Yeah. like alcohol culture focused as like a lifestyle change. Yeah. But dammit, I'm having a beer because I'm hanging out with my best friend and we're going to read some silly stories together.

That wanted a brewski. Yep. They are making some really good non-alcoholic beers, by the way. Are they? Uh-huh. Yeah. Sierra Nevada has a few new ones i tried a i think it's

called juicy ipa but it's like a non-alcoholic beer the other night and it was really good adam doesn't drink a lot so we've been trying like different stuff yeah because it's like sometimes all sometimes you don't want alcohol you want a fun drink yeah you just want a fun sparkly drink you want something fun you want something fun and fizzy to sip on but you don't want alcohol. You want a fun drink. Yeah, you just want a fun, sparkly drink. You want something fun and fizzy to sip on, but you don't want soda because it's so full of sugar. Yep. I say as I drink my beer that is very much full of sugar and also a lot of, like, wheat.

It's fine. All right, let's do this. It's fine. All right, so I'm going to be reading to you today out of a book of kings and queens. Oh, I'm so excited. This picture is not inspiring, though, on the front cover. Like it's very much looks like kind of like some weird Henry the eighth looking guy.

And they're hot. Hotty. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to actually I'm gonna go ahead and I'm going to actually I'm gonna use the dice roller that you gave me I'm gonna take my mana potion here oh I love it and one through

dice roller I think that's cool I like the way it looks it looks like a potion bottle it's very beautiful I wonder who got it for me some really cool awesome person with good taste this is the mana potion though so you went so you bought this for me and it was blue uh-huh but i don't know what's happened i think i kept it in like sunlight too much because it's turned pinkish yeah at this point it's so pretty though like i still i still

like it but it's like a lavender color now no lavender pink anyway i'm gonna go ahead and i'm gonna roll it and we'll see what we get nine and does that mean you're doing story nine i'm doing story number nine yes okay in a book of kings and queens and kelsey i think you're gonna be excited because we have a here is our next opportunity to add to the ivan expanded universe oh hell yes this story is called what happened to ivan and it's from bosnia. Ooh. Yeah. I don't know where Bosnia is. So we're going to do geography corner.

I constantly ask myself, whatever happened to Ivan? Ivan's still out there. He's, he's still going and we're going to find out what happened to him next after he did other stuff. I'm really excited. Okay. So Bosnia

is it's a Mediterranean well it's not sorry it's not a Mediterranean country it's it's on the Adriatic Sea which is like right off of the Mediterranean so it's like so you know like how Italy is a peninsula it's the it's the sea that

is on Italy's eastern side and Bosnia is one of the countries on the opposite side of the Adriatic sea from Italy. It's bordered by Croatia, Montenegro, Serbia, and that's it. Okay.

And then by the Adriatic sea on its shore. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's got, ooh, okay. It's got a very small section of seashore in its current state. It looks like Montenegro kind of like snakes in there and sort of like has carved up most of the beach for itself. But Bosnia has like a tiny little chunk of seashore. Okay. Teeny weeny.

Anyway, so that's where Bosnia is. Excellent. I had no idea. I thought Bosnia would be like closer to like Ukraine. Yeah, that's kind of what I was imagining. Is that? Yeah. Yeah. But it's, yeah. All it's yeah all right anyway and he's traveling he's he's traveling the

wide world he sure is we love that we think maybe we'll see what the story is called what happened to Ivan it's just called what happened to Ivan and it's not a question it's it's you're gonna tell me what happened I'm gonna tell you what happened Ivan. And it's not a question. You're going to tell me what happened to Ivan. I'm going to tell you what happened to Ivan. Yeah, it's not a question. It's a full stop. I promise you'll find out what happened to Ivan in this story. I hope so.

I hope. What? I've never read it. Oh, we have to make predictions. How long is it? It is, I mean, let me look at the tape. About 10 pages. Okay.

Roughly. All right. Well, I'm going to go ahead and make predictions first, I guess. You go first. Because I predict that a lot of stuff happens to Ivan. A lot of stuff happens to Ivan. A lot of wild shenanigans, antics happens to Ivan. A lot of wild shenanigans, antics happen to Ivan.

Okay. I'm also going to predict that one of those things is a woman. No, wait, queen. Ooh. Okay, so one of those things is a queen. One of the things that happens to ivan is a queen okay and i also predict that

i want to predict that ivan gets some good advice okay uh yeah i don't want to say from an old man necessarily because it could be a dragon or a horse. There had better be a very helpful horse in here. I hope so. That keeps its head. Yes. No more horse murder. We're done with this.

It's been a while since we've had some horse murder, I feel like. And I pray it stays that way. I don't know. I think it's kind of funny. What happens? All right. What are your predictions? My prediction

is that Ivan travels really far. Okay. Ivan becomes royalty. Ooh. What he deserves, to be honest. As he deserves.

Probably, we assume. He might be really shitty in this story. But usually Ivan is a pretty cool dude. Yeah. I just like to pretend it's all one Ivan. Oh, it's the Ivan Expanded Universe. Exactly.

It's Ivan's many adventures. Yeah. Helpful horse. That's my prediction. Oh, hell yeah. Helpful horse. I really actually hope you get that point. Me too.

Good luck to both of us. I hope that all of our predictions come true. All right. Okay. What happened to Ivan from Bosnia? Once upon a time, there was a lad called called Ivan whose father was a rich merchant Ivan was good-looking and Ivan was good-tempered but my word Ivan was lazy oh no oh no oh no Ivan pretty privilege sounds like it sounds like it you know, also rich. Yeah.

Yes. So like just privileged in every sense. Uh-huh. And a man. He's just very privileged. Come on. And a man. Exactly. He doesn't need to work hard.

He can just be lazy. I get it, actually. Yeah. He's good looking, rich, and... A man. That third thing you said. A man. Yeah.

Thank you. Abby's brain is applesauce this week, folks. rich and a man that third thing you said a man yeah thank you abby's brain is applesauce this week folks that's okay very tired i met so many new people the past couple of weeks i'm out but you can't spend your life doing nothing said ivan's father and here i am all ready to give you a share in my business but Ivan didn't think he was cut out for dealing in merchandise well then will you train as a doctor said Ivan's father no Ivan didn't think he'd be much good at doctoring he's probably right I don't think I don't think you can be a doctor and be lazy i don't think it works that way and that's not the right personality type for for doctors to be a workaholic and we want very driven type a sort of people for doctoring you see father said he with a smile i think sick people might irritate me. That's so honest. Wow, he gave the real reason.

Oh, Ivan, you're the realist. Ivan's a real one. Oh, my God. Well, then, a lawyer? No, Ivan was afraid he hadn't enough brains for that profession. I love that man. So it went on. Me too.

So honest with himself. Just, he knows what he's about. He's relaxing. Like, Ivan sounds like he's got a lot of privilege, but he's pretty chill. He's a stoner kid. He is a rich stoner kid. So it went on, Ivan's father suggesting this profession and that one, and Ivan finding some objection to every single one.

Until at last, his father suggested he join the army. Well, that's not lazy. As Ivan tends to always join the army. What if this is just the wonderful shirt and it's called something else? This is the prequel to the wonderful shirt yes that's it oh i love it okay oh well if ivan must do something he thought the army might suit him he pictured himself wearing a handsome uniform a captain or a major with troops under him, drilling his soldiers and having nothing more to do than call out left,

right, left, right, right about turn. And then of course, when the drill was over, there'd be plenty of time for fun. Oh yeah.

That's totally what the military is. That's how, yes, true. That's exactly how the military works. Ivan, you are not in for a rude surprise at all. Probably. He just likes, yes, true. That's exactly how the military works, Ivan. You are not in for a rude surprise at all, probably. He just likes the outfit. Yeah. He's in it for the outfit.

Sharp-dressed man. Yes, very well. Ivan would join the army. So his father, greatly relieved, gave him a purse full of money and packed him off to join the army. But don't get any fancy ideas into your head, my lads, said Ivan's father. I'm not buying you a commission. You'll begin at the bottom of the ladder. And if you want to rise from the ranks, it'll be up to you to prove your mettle. He knows his son too well to like buy him an officer rank. Oh, all right, father, said Ivan. I expect I can prove my mettle as well as anyone else. Goodbye, father.

Well, as long as that purse full of money lasted, Ivan enjoyed himself in the army. True, he was ordered about and that didn't suit him, but he made up for it in his leisure moments, treating his fellow soldiers and finding himself because of his good looks, good temper and lavish money spending. Very popular. Just don't loan it to anybody. Any field marshals. Don't loan it to the field marshal. He's a stingy bastard.

But the money at the rate Ivan flung it about didn't last long. And there came a day when Ivan looked ruefully at his empty purse. What to do now? Well, father has plenty of money. Thanks, Ivan. I must write for more. But will father send me more? That's the question. Ah, I have it.

And he sat down and wrote a letter to his father. Honestly, like, okay, so I just what I just recently rewatched was Clueless. Nice. Ivan has Cher vibes. Definitely. nice ivan has share vibes definitely dear father you will be glad to know that i am getting on well yesterday i was made a lieutenant but of course now i must have a new uniform and also i should like to give the fellows under me a little treat so if you could spare me a few coins i should be eternally grateful hoping this finds you well and happy as it leaves your obedient son, Ivan. Carefully crafted message.

Very carefully crafted message. Very good. He works hard when it counts. Yeah. When it's something he's really motivated for. He's money motivated. Oh, come now. Ivan's father was delighted.

He sent Ivan a bag full of gold pieces and Ivan celebrated the receiving of it with a feast at which he got so merry that he began breaking things up and was punished for riotous behavior by a spell in prison. He got so merry. He got so merry. I love that. I too like to get too merry. I have gone merry I have gotten

too merry on many an occasion that was all one to Ivan he rather enjoyed being in prison because he didn't have to do any work and he and his jailers made merry together on the remainder of that purse full of gold oh my goodness I love his attitude though

he does seem fun he kind of reminds me of the darning needle. Mm-hmm. This is fine. Yeah, I'm great. It's fine. I meant to be here actually. I was here on purpose.

I was here on purpose. This is exactly where I belong. I'm now lord of this area. Mm-hmm. But when he came out of prison and it was left, right, left, right. Once more, and all the tediousness of drill, not giving orders,

but having to obey them. And the rest of that purse full of money very soon spent in treating his fellows. Then Ivan became thoroughly discontented again. No, can't go on like this. He said to himself, and he wrote another letter to his father,

dear father, you'll be glad to hear that today i have been promoted again i am now a captain i don't know if you will consider this news worth a trifle but and so on and so on back from i've delighted father money please oh my god yes he is john rafio and ivan's father is not double checking him because he sends him another purse full of gold and ivan makes mary while the money lasts but bother the money it seemed to ivan that it was gone in no time and it wasn't long before ivan's father got yet another letter he would doubtless be pleased to hear that ivan was now a major i wonder what like amount of time this is taking place over like how fast do we think ivan is

rising through the ranks here way too fast that's for sure far too suspiciously quickly i'm i don't think this money is lasting longer than like another year. And Ivan got so Ivan is now a major, you know, according to his letters, and he gets another purse full of gold. The lads making something of himself after all thought Ivan's father. All he needed was a bit of discipline. Nothing like the army to discipline a lad. Oh, poor Ivan's dad. Uh huh.

You idiot. So now there's Ivan apparently rising from rank to rank, getting at each apparent rise a bag of gold from his father and chuckling to himself and thinking, nothing like the army, nothing like the army. And then one day, Ivan's father gets a final letter. Dear father, rejoice with me. I am now a general. Uh-huh. But as you will well understand, a general has many responsibilities and many expenses

and I shall not be receiving my salary for some time. I was wondering if you could possibly let me have a little more money to tide me over until payday. Oh, no.

It's all about to fall apart for Ivan. Good. I'm ready. Me too. He needs to get his ass kicked in this one this he needs to get his ass kicked just a little bit let's also his father has finally decided to verify yep he's kitchen on of course he shall have the money thought ivan's father of course he shall but this time i won't send it i will will take it myself. Oh, he's going to be so disappointed. He is.

And honestly, Ivan's father sounds like a really nice guy. Like he sounds like a good dad. I know. I feel bad for him right now. Yeah. Super loving, but yeah,

maybe he doesn't know his son that well, not that well. And he stuffed a big bag full of gold coins ordered out his carriage and set off to pay ivan a visit so now there's ivan's father all smiles inquiring at army headquarters for general ivan theobald oh general ivan theald. I don't think we've ever gotten like a- He's got a last name. I know. All right. Exciting. But no one at headquarters had ever heard of such a general. The only man of that name was a private who was at present in prison again for riotous behavior and neglect of duty.

Would the visitor care to see him? It could probably be arranged. Oh, no. But the visitor had no wish to see him? It could probably be arranged. Oh, no. But the visitor had no wish to see a disorderly private. He wanted to see his son, General Ivan Theobald. Very sorry. There is no such person. The gentleman must be under some delusion. Delusion? How could there be any delusion? Hasn't he his son's letter in his pocket? The indignant father shows the letter the clerk laughs and laughs oh no not only is he not a general like his son's not a general but he's also in prison yeah and and hasn't written hasn't

risen a single rank up. Like, yeah. So the clerk laughs and laughs. Isn't that just like the rascally private Ivan Theobald up to his tricks again? Oh. It took Ivan's father some time to realize how he had been tricked. But when at last he did realize it,

he drove off home in a rage and in a rage wrote a letter to the naughty Ivan. You have grossly deceived me. I disown you from this time forth. You may go your own way. I never wish to see you or to hear from you again. I honestly,

I don't blame him. Neither do I. Oh, he's, he's, he's not even mad. He's just disappointed. He's just disappointed.

Ah, now it's the worst. Sometimes you have to cut people off yep oh even if it's your own kid oh my gosh oh lordy lordy thought ivan when he received that letter what's a fellow to do now my only source of income dried up no more feasts no more fun just left right left right arms, and all the rest of the nonsense. No, I can't take it. That's the reaction.

Is my income dried up? Not like I've disappointed my poor father who's taking care of me and supported me and wants the best for me? Yeah. Not, oh my God, my father wants nothing to do with me anymore. That's so devastating. This is not my Ivan. Hashtag not my Ivan.

Not my Ivan. Okay, so Ivan decides to run away from the army. And run away he did just as soon as he was let out of prison. Perhaps those in charge were glad enough to be rid of him. At any rate, no great search was made. And Ivan was soon over the border and safe from pursuit. Okay, bye.

Okay, bye. And they're like, technically, deserting is a crime, but whatever. I mean, he was in prison for most of that time anyway, right? Yeah, exactly. They're just kind of like, you know what? You're more expensive to have around than you are to just like let go yeah good riddance now of all the money his father

had sent him from time to time ivan had left but seven gold coins and the first thing he did when he came to a town was to buy himself a ready-made suit which though it was a poor quality and didn't fit him very well, cost five of his precious gold coins. And so having put on the new suit and tossed his uniform under some bushes, he strolled on his way, came into a big city and there went into a tavern and ordered a cup of coffee. But when in payment for his coffee, he handed the tavern keeper a piece of gold. The tavern keeper said, I'm i'm sorry sir but i haven't enough small change did i ask for any change said ivan grand as you please oh yeah i forgot he's charming people like him yeah really high charisma score i'm so mad at him i forgot he's so likable yeah but which was probably why his father totally believed him because like he he's very charming and personable and believable

bastard what a jerk the tavern keeper bows the people who sit in the tavern eating and drinking begin to whisper he didn't ask for change he is not what he seems he must be some rich man in disguise and they nudge the tavern keeper and whisper find out who he is so the tavern keeper goes up to Ivan bows low and says honorable sir may I ask you a question ask away says Ivan honorable sir says the tavern keeper I think you are not who you pretend to be I can see your noble origin

in your eyes oh gosh uh huh oh ho thanks Ivan here's a joke like he's not even doing it on purpose

he's just like affable and kind of stupid oh gosh and not I don't feel like Ivan's learning any lessons here none like because he's already affable and kind of stupid. Oh, gosh. And not, I don't feel like Ivan's learning any lessons here. None.

Like, because he's already spent all his money. And he puts on a grand air and says, well, my man, since you have guessed rightly, there is no use in concealment.

In fact, I am the king's son, but I am traveling incognito so that I may get to understand the ways and manners of my father's people. And maybe a little bit of a pathological liar. Yeah, yes, absolutely. Like his knee jerk reaction is to lie. Uh-huh.

Instead of actually like work hard to get anything. I'm really, I'm really interested to see like whether or not this is going to end up being a morality tale or just a story about like how this guy failed his way upward he needs some good advice he's sure he could use some good advice from a helpful from a helpful horse that good advice should be a kick to the forehead the king's son the king's son the people are whispering the exciting news from one to the other they tiptoe out of the tavern to spread the exciting news through the city and ivan sitting alone in his assumed glory says to the tavern keeper fill me a pipe of tobacco i am now going to the barbers for a shave and after that to the bathhouse but says he speaking very haughtily let it be a presentable meal none of your makeshifts wow wow wow wow

the tavern keeper bowing again and again assures Ivan that the meal shall be the best the very best that the town can produce and Ivan stalks out of the tavern and up the street to the barbers the news that the king's son is visiting has already reached the barber he's so thrilled that his hand shakes and it is a wonder that he doesn't give ivan a cut with the razor ivan thoroughly enjoying himself tosses his last gold piece to the barber and with a keep the change struts out of the barber shop and onto the bathhouse where he takes a seat in front of the fire and spreads out his hands to the blaze ivan is just so not worried about what he's going to do unbothered

unbothered the bath master has gone to his dinner in the bathhouse there is only a servant sweeping up the servant is surly he pushes his his broom between Ivan's feet and says, what do you think you're doing here? Your question is scarcely courteous, my man, says Ivan. But since you wish to know, I'm waiting for the bathmaster. Well, he ain't here, says the servant. And what's it got to do with you where he is? I'm here to clean up and you're in my way. So you best hop it. You go to the devil, says he, poking at Ivan with his broom. But just then, who should come in but the tavern keeper, followed by two waiters bringing an array of covered dishes, and there's the barber too, peeping around the door to take

another look at the king's son. The tavern keeper and his men spread a table. The tavern keeper, bowing low and pulling out a chair, asks if his royal highness will be now pleased to dine. Ivan takes a seat at the table and the servant runs off to find the bathmaster and tell him of the arrival of the king's son in the bathhouse. And I

was rude to him, cries the servant. How was I to know who he was? Yeah, you're in trouble now you in trouble but not really because Ivan's a fucking liar Ivan's a pathological liar I have a feeling I have a new like

mid prediction I feel like the king's gonna find out and get pissed yes yeah the king's gonna find out get pissed initially but I bet you anything he has a beautiful daughter and ivan will be able to convince him that something yeah okay here's a pretty state of affairs what can the bath master do to pacify the king's son he orders two horses to be saddled puts on his best clothes

fills his pockets with money and riding one horse and leading the other gallops off to the bathhouse to make the peace. Ivan has just finished a delicious meal and is now contentedly smoking his pipe. He is graciously pleased to overlook the insolence of the bathmaster's servant and accepts an invitation to become an honored guest at the bath master's house but only for a day or two because as he explains to the bath master he wishes to proceed on his travels and an honored guest ivan remains for a day or so and then what happens the news of the arrival of so important a guest comes to the ears of the vizier the chief minister of the country and the vizier orders out his carriage and drives off to pay his respects to ivan oh no i know oh my god it's getting out of hand my noble lord says the

vizier kneeling to kiss the hem of ivan coat. I learned too late that you had arrived amongst us. And I learned with pain that you had taken up your abode with the bath master and not with me. I am surely fallen into disgrace with the King and with you. What did the chief minister of the country? No, no. If the King had any sons and maybe have met the king's son before, you'd think.

Whatever. We'll see. We'll see. Dear Vizier, answers Ivan with a laugh, I pray you not to distress yourself. I had no wish that anyone should recognize me. I had a fancy, you see, to travel incognito and so learn it firsthand the condition of my father's kingdom but i was recognized in the tavern and so ivan shrugs his shoulders and laughs my little plan has failed he's such a con artist uh-huh

now since i have been recognized i think it would be my father's wish that I should take up my quarters with you. And away Ivan drives with the vizier in his carriage. Now in the vizier's palace, Ivan lives in princely fashion. He has an elegant suite of rooms and is weighted on hand and foot. And one sunny morning, as he stands at a window looking out on a pretty garden, he sees three beautiful young girls playing ball. Sounds about right. Bless the darlings, thinks Ivan. And then he has another thought and he rings a bell and summons a page who comes in tiptoeing and bowing.

I should wish to speak to the vizier, said Ivan, if he can spare me a moment. The page bows again and tiptoes away and almost immediately the vizier arrives at the door and stands there he too is bowing pray come in says ivan don't stand on ceremony you must remember he said with a smile that i am still incognito but those three pretty damsels down yonder in the garden. Are they your daughters? Oh, gosh. Here we go. Yes, your royal highness, they are indeed my daughters, says the vizier, beaming with joy because Ivan has called the girls pretty.

Then, says Ivan, you can give the youngest to me. Oh, my God. No, don't do it. This is the worst Ivan. This is the worst Ivan. This is the anti-Ivan. This is the anti-Ivan. This is the anti-Ivan. Like this is the darkest timeline, Ivan.

Darkest. Oh, no. I really, I just, he has to, he has to make up for it somehow. Like he has to send his father tons of gold once he fails upward completely. We'll see. And he better make this girl the happiest woman on the face of the planet. This is like the beetle. It's giving me the beetle.

It's giving the beetle. I'm scared. I'm scared for her. What's going to happen to this girl? Oh, man. Someone who isn't worried about it is the vizier because he thinks that she's marrying a prince. No one asks any questions. No.

Why would they? There is no verification. Now, wouldn't the vizier know the king and i really feel like the chief minister of the country has probably met the king and his household in person and wouldn't they be in close proximity wouldn't the king be living in the same area i don't know you would think that like the chief vizier lives in the same palace as the king potentially probably in the same town right i don't know maybe bosnia is just different in terms of like structure i'm i i don't know nearly enough about it i don't know i'm not sure oh how the vizier rejoices he

wants to skip and clap his hands but he takes a grip on himself and declares that he is greatly honored. It must be a very quiet wedding, says Ivan, laughing, because you understand I am still incognito. As you understand, I am a fucking liar. No, he said, I am still incognito, which come on, Vizier, red flags everywhere. Yeah, he should catch on. He should definitely. Yeah.

You're going to marry your daughter to a man who won't even admit who he really is publicly. Yeah. Really? And wouldn't you want it to? Anyway. Also, like it would be a, this is a political marriage at this point. Wouldn't you want it widely known that your daughter had made such a great

match? Yep. The darkest timeline. That's the title. The darkest timeline. Oh God. I'm worried. Nothing's nothing.

I'm worried about this. Your will is my will says the very stupid vizier ready to burst with joy. Bad dad. So without delay. He's so excited for his daughters. This is what's getting me is all the fathers in this are really like seem really great. And like they care about their kids. And then.

Yeah. They're gullible. Screws it up. But yeah. So without the delay, the very quiet wedding was held. The vizier's youngest daughter, whose name was Elena. Okay, she has a name. Elena.

Of course, RMS gives her a name. I love, I love Ruth Banny Sanders. She's the best. So Elena became Ivan's wife. And so good and sweet and charming was she that Ivan, who had married her for the mere whim of the thing oh gosh I hate him I hate him so much this is this is the beetle and Ivan like verse and yep sorry who okay Ivan who had married her for the mere whim of the thing found himself every day loving her more and more. I guess that's good.

I hope she kicks, she's going to kick his ass, right? She better fucking kick his ass. There haven't been enough women in this story, that's for sure. Mm-hmm. There've been,

there've been exactly none until this very moment. Where's Elena's mother? Should be looking out for her. This never would have happened if Ivan's mother were around. No. No. She would have had questions. You know what?

That's the fix. That's the fix for this story is Ivan's mother is around and tells her husband this is so suspicious. No, you need to go check on him. We need to go check on him. No one is promoted this fast.

Least of all, my very stupid and lazy son. And then the whole story just ends there. And then the rest of it just doesn't happen. Ivan was supremely happy. He asked no more of life but to just go on living with Elena and loving her.

But the vizier was troubled. Finally. He didn't doubt that Ivan was the king's son because as everyone knew, the king had a son whom he had disowned and banished for bad behavior. Okay, but if everyone knew that, hold on. If everyone knew that, why would the vizier be so excited to piss off his boss? the vizier be so excited to piss off his boss to piss and then also extend an invitation to live in his household plus marry one of his children to a guy the king had banished for irresponsible behavior huh huh was his name also Ivan maybe it's part it's all part of the Ivanverse. He's actually the good Ivan.

And they both went to the military and this is like an alternate. I love this. Excellent. Okay. Very funny. Very good. So now the vizier concluded

that this son had repented and been forgiven and taken back into favor. Why would you assume any of this? And sent out to travel incognito that he might prove his mettle. Yes, it all fitted very nicely. That wasn't what was troubling the vizier. But then to allow this son to marry Elena without the king's consent

and whilst the king was away at wars too, that surely was a misdemeanor that the king might not be inclined to overlook he's like oh we should have thought of this before the wedding and isn't he i mean he's the vizier shouldn't he have more strategic does he not communicate with the king like do they not pass letters back and forth? He was also very lazy. He's also not actually the vizier. That's another great fix for this story.

That's hilarious. That would actually be funny. I hope that's true. Okay. The king had now come home victorious and at any moment might hear of the marriage. What was the vizier to do? Well, clearly the best thing would be to write a letter to the king,

confess the whole thing and pray to be forgiven. Well, the vizier wrote his letter and when he had sent it off, spent an unhappy day or two waiting for the king's answer and when the answer came the vizier scarcely dared to open the letter what does he say he needn't have been troubled the king it seemed was very happy to hear that his son was married and he begged the vizier to send his son and his daughter-in-law to visit him and he begged the vizier to send his son and his daughter-in-law to visit him i was never gonna get out of this one oh i'm sure he'll find a way the king doesn't recognize him

and just is like oh i guess you're my son like sure yeah it's been it's been so long now it was Ivan's turn to feel troubled. Finally. Heavens, what was he to do? Certainly the king would never forgive him for masquerading at his son. And did it all come about so naturally? And it had been such fun. Oh, my God. But the fun, it seemed, must now be paid for.

There was no help for it. Go he must, and just trust to luck. Wow. no help for it go he must and just trust to luck oh wow oh so he and elena said goodbye to the vizier and set off in a grand coach for the capital city elena all excited at the prospect of meeting her royal father-in-law oh my god she doesn't even know oh my god ivan in the depths of despair but doing his best to seem cheerful and not distress his darling wife he's he's so

delulu he's delulu that night they put up at a very fine guest house just outside the capital city Ivan getting every moment more and more unhappy what am I to do he asked himself as he

lay restless in bed beside his darling elena who slept so sweetly so peacefully with her head resting on his shoulder fuck this guy so fucking much oh my god there's nothing else for it he told I must run away. Yep. Yep. This asshole is just going to leave his wife. Hashtag not my husband. I hate him. Yep. It's the beetle. It's the human version of the beetle. Yeah.

No, he also ditches a bride. Mm-hmm. So come dawn dawn he rose quietly from bed now or never he must be off he bent over the sleeping elena oh my shining sun he whispered no i cannot leave you good i must rather endure my fate goodard. I'm glad that there's one line he wasn't going to cross. And he kissed her closed eyelids until they

opened and Elena looked up at him smiling. Get up, my dearest one, he said and dress quickly. We must go to my father's palace. You're still not going. tell her the truth yep please for the love of god just tell her oh okay so having breakfasted off they go in their coach to the palace to be received most

kindly and courteously by the king who greeted Ivan as his son and seemed delighted with the charm of his daughter-in-law. He doesn't recognize him, does he? I don't think so. But after a few minutes of this genial conversation, the king said he would like a word or two in private with his son and sent Elena off to be entertained by his court ladies. Oh, kick his ass, cut off his head, feed him to your boss ass dragon. Good. Oh my God. Now alone with the king, Ivan was beginning to hope that all was going smoothly. When the king suddenly drew his sword and cried out, who are, son of a dog? And how dare you go about pretending to be my son? Cut his head off and then the king marries Elena and then it's happily ever after for everyone.

Well, the king looks old as hell, so we don't want that for her. Wait, is there a picture? There is. Let me see. I don't know. Maybe Elena's into that. I'm just kidding.

He looks like a very old man with a very hunched back and a very gray beard we want better for Elena this is a this is a grandfather Abby don't kink shame it's fucking rude oh no I'm pretty

sure Elena's like 16 or something fine come on I just I love the king I'm pretty sure Elena's like 16 or something. Fine, fine. Come on. I just, I love the king. I'm like, I'm glad he's, he, and I love that he took Ivan like aside to privately call him out. He's not here to scare this poor girl. Yeah. Like, you know, he did it for her.

Exactly. Like, so I love that. Like, he seems like, like the king seems like a good dude. Yeah. But now I. Like, so I love that. Like, he seems like a, like, the king seems like a good dude. Yeah, but now I bet Ivan's gonna charm him. You got it. Ugh!

I have no son, I tell you. I have no son. And for this, you shall lose your head. Yeah, do it! Then I will tell you the truth, said Ivan.

There is your sword. Here is my head. I know I deserve to lose it. I am a fool. This morning when I got out of bed, I had quite made up my mind to take to my heels. But at the thought of leaving my darling wife, the tears came into my eyes, and I decided rather to die than to grieve her by seeming unfaithful. Okay, now it's getting kind of romantic. Okay, yes, that's very romantic that's the first romantic thing that has happened so far if she is to lose me i thought it will not be my doing but my lord the kings the king apparently also finds this very romantic oh yeah he does because he's a soft old man a quirky king he's a quirky they always are we love it you love to see it we love to see it the king laid down his sword tell me

your story he said so ivan told his story from the beginning and by and by he had the king laughing no sir this is not a funny story this is a terrible story like of course you tricked everyone for all in my life said the king I have never come across a more impudent rascal

you got moxie kid you got moxie kid I like the cut of your jib very well i forgive you you shall be my son since never could i have a merrier or more charming one barf barf and his dad so much money And his dad gets to come live in the castle. If that doesn't happen, I'm going to be so pissed. Now you shall use your wits, of which you have abundance, in my service. And I think my court, which has been a dismal place, will be the happier for your presence. Go, bring your beautiful and loving wife here, that I may bless you both as my children.

And as to your own father, heavens help him. I will see to it that he forgives you. Thank you. The end. I wasn't expecting that ending. Oh my gosh. Oh no. Okay.

So here's the thing. I kind of love where it ended up. Yeah. Yep. I was kind of cute, but I'm still pissed. I think my fixes, could they have just made Ivan more likable to us?

Because for me, I would have liked something different in his motivation. Yeah. And like, I'm not mad that he was like living large off of like rich people maybe if he just kind of accidentally got himself into these situations and then he had to lie and he and it just kind of kept getting bigger out of his control but it was completely within his control he exactly there was at no point did he have to do any of this i do but but the thing is

is that like i do love the ending where he lies his way all the way to the top of the kingdom and the king thinks that's so funny that the king is the best character that he adopts him easily the best story the best character yes the king the king is the best yeah you know okay so here's my fix everything happens as it does but he brings elena in on it and we get more of her thinking he's funny that would be great that would be really cute yeah and then they're kind of in on it together and she because she thinks he's really charming but he's been honest with her about the situation he still didn't really learn a lesson not a single thing i mean i guess he learned that he was you know

he loved elena and that he was willing to die for her or to not disappoint her or I don't know but rather than to grieve her by seeming unfaithful was the but it's thin it's thin it means it needs something else yeah we I want this to be a little bit more of a romance like I want I want him to woo her a little bit as she deserves god damn it ivan god damn it ivan so yeah so either that fix or the fix we mentioned earlier where ivan's mom is in the picture and she is and none of the story happens because she's all like wait like the very first letter when he says he got promoted to lieutenant she's all like uh-huh uh-huh

go go check on him somebody go check on him like yeah bring him the gold but go check go check on our little lieutenant uh-huh oh goodness well that was really fun. I liked it. It was. It's not what I expected, though. No. Do you have any additional fixes? No, just the the lesson thing and making him more likable. I think if all that stuff that kind of happened more by accident than him just lying on purpose, like if they had just assumed he was the king's son and then he didn't even know that they thought that

and they just kept doing nice things for him, like that would have been funny. That would have been funnier, yeah. And like more forgivable. Yeah, yeah. Instead of him just blatantly like, yes, I'm the king's son. Little people, you're welcome.

Like I think it'd be funnier if everybody was just doing really nice things for him because they assumed that and he didn't even know until it was too late and he's like oh god now i'm gonna get now i'm gonna die and he's all confused because he's already in the beginning kind of aloof that would have made him more likable in my opinion i agree but yeah the ending was really cute and of course the king being all romantic and like you you rascal you rascal very cute how'd we do on points all right you ivan travels really far ivan becomes royalty so you got two points.

There was no helpful horse. There was no helpful horse. What a bummer. I got a lot of wild antics happened to Ivan. Yes. Very true. It was. One of those things was not a queen.

And I don't think Ivan got any good advice at all. So I'm like, I won't point. Well, I mean, like, there's an argument for his dad saying you have to do something he doesn't listen no i i was hoping he'd get some really good advice from like a passing beggar or yeah a character and then he would take it. Mm-hmm. So. Okay. That was great. Thank you for telling me that very fun story. You're welcome.

That was a really good time. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to read a tale from my brand new book of a book of princes and princesses. Mab Media just came out with this book not that long ago. I'm so excited. I'm thinking I want to do a giveaway of this book at some point

because I actually have an old version of it. But I just really wanted to support Mab Media and buy one. Of course. I love that they are reproducing these books. It's very exciting. Me too. Okay.

So I'm just going to pick the shortest one in this book since we are running out of time. Let's do it. All right. Well, today's story I am going to read is Nyasa and the Ogre. Ooh. And in this book, it just says it's from Africa, but Abby looked it up and said it was potentially Mozambique. Potentially. We don't know because if it just says Africa, that is...

Yeah. It's a very large area. It's kind of a big continent. There's a lot going on there. With many countries on it. So Mozambique, we'll just do a little geography corner yeah I'm just guessing purely based off of like when I looked up the word Nyasa Mozambique has a Nyasa province so you know yeah we can go with it we'll go with it so Mozambique is east

Africa east Southeast Africa. And it is right across from Madagascar. And there's a lot of coastal region. And it is surrounded by Tanzania, Malawi, Zimbabwe, Eswantini, and South Africa. I'm going to let you – I have not read this story. I just picked the shortest one in Book of Princes and Princesses. So Abby, do you want to give me three predictions for Nyasa and the ogre? Oh boy.

Nyasa is a young woman. Okay. The ogre is trying to marry her. Okay. Nyasa does something very clever. Okay. Niasa does something very clever. Okay. Love it. I am going to predict that Niasa is the princess or becomes the princess.

At some point, Niasa is a princess. I'm going to predict that the ogre is trying to eat someone. Ooh, yes. Excellent. Okay. And my last prediction is that Nyasa is a hero. Yeah. And without further ado,

this is Nyasa and the Ogre. Once upon a time, there were two royal children, a little prince called Meron and a little princess, his sister, called Nyasa. Ooh, okay.

Ding, ding, ding. And they went out with some other children to play. Now, there was a horrible, horrible ogre who had his eye on Princess Nyasa. Oh, heck yeah. Ding, ding, ding for Abby, maybe. Dang, yeah. He wanted to catch her and keep her and make her his wife when she was old enough. They always do. It's called

grooming, folks. Gross. So, what did he do? He turned himself into a big tree with silver leaves and set himself down on the grassy plain where the children were playing. That's at least kind of a fancy way to go about it. I didn't know ogres could

do that. They can in Mozambique, apparently. Cool. Oh, see there, cried Nyasa. Oh, the lovely tree. Let's climb it and pick some of the pretty silver leaves. And she ran to climb the tree and her little companions did the same. But her brother, Marin, stood under the tree and looked up at the branches.

What, said he, can a tree of that size spring out of the ground in a single hour like a mushroom? Most certainly I can, said the tree. If you wish to pick my leaves, you are welcome. Marin's asking all the right questions. Mm-hmm. I'm glad someone's asking questions i know this isn't a flower but just plants shouldn't talk they shouldn't talk in my opinion shut up plants shut up plants that's very suspicious then a branch bowed itself down to marin to invite him to climb up oh ho said marin A tree that speaks and offers its

branches? No, this isn't natural. You can all climb up if you like, but as for me, I stay here. I love Maren. Me too. Maren is very sensible. So Maren stayed on the ground, and when all the other children were up its branches, the tree made off, carrying the children with it. That is so terrifying. Yep. Moving trees are always like horrifying to me. Yeah.

Like cool. It's very cool. It can be scary. But just evil, evil tree is just. but just evil, evil tree. It's just, the tree went,

went, went till it came to a cave and then it changed back into the ogre. The ogre let the other children go, but he kept Niasa, but he was tired and fell asleep. And when he was snoring loudly, little princess Niasa crept out of the cave and ran home. Hell yeah, girl.

On another day, Marin and Nyasa and the other children went out to play again. What did they see? They saw a big donkey grazing near them. Hurrah, cried Nyasa. Let's have a ride. And she and all the other children,

except Marin, clambered up onto the donkey's back. Nyasa and Ivan have some stuff in common, I think. They're just here for a good time. They're here for a good time, and they're uncommonly lucky. Maren was going to get up too, but there wasn't any more room on the donkey's back. So what did the donkey do?

It made its back longer. Hmm. Hmm. Oh-ho, said Marin. Did it now. There is a donkey that must be of the same family as the silver-leafed tree. No, I am not getting up, and you all had better come down. But the donkey galloped off, carrying the children with it.

The donkey went, went, went, until it came to the cave, and then it changed back into the ogre. The ogre let the other children go, but he kept Niasa. And you don't escape me this time, said he, whether I wake or sleep. And he put Niasa in a sack and tied up the mouth of the sack with a piece of leather.

Okay. I do like though that the ogre is like letting all of the other children go like and not killing them. He's got, not killing them he's got i mean he could yeah he could he's really just here to kidnap this one particular child which is still wrong there's a picture of him as the tree oh my god and i love it he has he has He has like a face. I hate it. It's a nightmare. He's like, la la la, bye. Yeah.

It's a very, it's a shysty tree. A frolicking, but shysty tree. Mm-hmm. Now then, sing me to sleep, said he, and he shook the sack. So Nyasa sang a sad little song and the ogre fell asleep. In the morning, he opened the sack and gave Nyasa sang a sad little song and the ogre fell asleep. In the morning, he opened the sack and gave Nyasa some food. Then he tied up the sack again. Since you can sing so prettily, you shall earn a living for me, said he. And he made himself into the likeness of a peddler, slung the sack over his shoulder and off with him to a village.

I have a bird in my sack, says he to the villagers. Give me some breakfast, and you shall hear my bird sing. So the villagers gave him food, and when he had eaten it, he shook the sack and said, sing, sing, my bird. And Nyasa sang a sad little song. Sing a merry song, said the ogre. You kidnapped her. Put a little bounce in it. Put a little bounce in it.

Put a little bounce in it. Something with a little bounce in it. So Nyasa sang a merry song, although she was crying, and the villagers exclaimed, your bird is an amazing bird. It can be sad and Mary at the same time.

The ogre went from village to village with a sack. Sometimes he asked for food, sometimes for pennies. He got his pockets full of money, but he would never open the sack for people to see what kind of bird he had. Cause it's a kidnapped little girl. One day he came to the place where the King lived. Because it's a kidnapped little girl. I've got a lovely bunch of coke and nuts. Dee-doo-lee-doo.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconut steedle-dee-doo and Nyasa sang and little prince Merrin heard and thought surely that's my sister's voice I hear yeah this is very bold of the ogre to like go to the

kidnapped child's family uh-huh so he said to the king his father give the old peddler plenty to eat and drink and let him rest here in the courtyard for the night because the sack is heavy and he has and he has walked a long way so they brought the peddler food and drink and marin put a sleeping powder in the drink and the peddler fell asleep in the courtyard with the sack beside him he lay and he snored no nothing would wake him in the night marin the sack beside him. He lay and he snored. No, nothing would wake him. In the night, Marin came

and undid the leather from the mouth of the sack and let out Nyasa. Run quickly into the house, whispered he. And Nyasa ran quickly, none more quickly. Then Marin fetched his big dog, Bamba. Yeah! Bamba!

I love that name! And put him in the sack! Oh, no. No. No, Bomba. And whispered, lie very still, my good dog, Bomba. So good dog Bomba curled up inside the sack and lay very still and Mary tied up the sack with the leather again. No. Bomba better be okay or I will riot. I agree. In the morning, there was the peddler still asleep and Marin gave him a shaking and

said, wake up, old man. We've brought you your breakfast. So the ogre yawned and sat up and ate. And after that, he slung the sack over his shoulder and walked off. He went to another village, sat down the sack and said to the people, I have a bird in my sack. Give me some pennies and my bird shall sing for you.

The villagers gave him some pennies. He shook on the sack. Sing, sing, my bird. And inside the sack, Bamba growled. Yeah, Bamba, eat him. Eat him up. What? Get him. Says the ogre. Do you dare disobey me, my bird? Sing, sing, I say. And he shook the sack again. And inside the sack, Bamba growled. Sing, sing, you rascally bird, says the ogre, shaking the sack harder and harder. And then Bamba ate his face off. The louder Bamba growled.

Cheat, cheat, cried the villagers. You take our pennies and you give us no song. I like how they're all mad. And they chased the ogre out of the village. The ogre went back to his cave and he was raging. Very well, my bird, he said. Now I shall kill and eat you. I thought you wanted to marry your bird.

Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Man, disobey him once. Grr! Grr! Out leaps Big Dog Bomba, who fixes his teeth in the ogre's leg. Hell yeah. The ogre yells, the ogre runs, but Big Dog Bomba is running too, and he doesn't let go

of the ogre's leg until he has bitten a piece clean out of it. Heck yeah, Bomba. Good boy. Good boy. He's the goodest is bitten a piece clean out of it. Heck yeah, Bamba. Good boy. Good boy. He's the goodest boy. He's the goodest boy. The ogre is yelling.

Big Dog Bamba is growling and snarling, and he has torn the coat off the ogre's back now. And still they are running, and still the ogre is yelling, and still Big Dog Bamba is growling and snarling and tearing and spitting the ogre's clothes out along the way. Till that ogre has nothing but half a shirt. So he's Donald Ducking it? He's Donald Ducking it. Awkward.

So then, Big Dog Bamba lets go and turns and trots home. And I'm imagining that, like, trot that pitbulls do where it's like the happiest happy prance yeah the ogre ran and ran he was too frightened to stop but where he went to i can't say because he never came back the end oh heck yeah i love this i love a doggy saves the day story and marin marin and marin bomba i never would have predicted a doggy saves the day story. And Marin. Marin and. And Marin. Bamba. I never would have predicted a dog.

I love that. That's great. I think it's, I think it's our first like, well, not our first dog, but we haven't had like a helpful dog in a while. Yeah, definitely not a lot of. We had one dog that I read back when we were doing our in-person one. It was like the little dog that takes a pie or something. I can't remember.

Totally. It was like a little dog that like gets his mistress married or whatever. Yeah. Oh, but it wasn't really a dog. Right? Right. It was like a little goblin dude. It was a little goblin.

Just pretending to be a dog. You're right. So this might be like our first real dog. Oh, good boy boy he's a good boy bomba i love that name we love our boy all right you got two points well i don't know did niyasa do something very clever i guess she escaped him the first time i mean but that's because he fell asleep and she just ran away. Nyasa explicitly did not do clever things. She jumped on the donkey.

She climbed the tree. Yeah. Nyasa is a dumb dumb. And I got two points because, well, I don't know. Nyasa is the princess and the ogre did eventually try to eat someone. This is true. This is true. This is true. But Nyasa was not our hero.

She was not. Do you have a fix for it? I wish Nyasa had done more cool stuff. Yeah, kind of misleading to call it Nyasa and the Ogre when she's sort of barely in it. Yeah. And she's a victim for all of it like just kind of like getting kidnapped and then rescued yeah i would rename it bomba and the ogre bomba and the ogre yeah i don't want to say that i necessarily want it to be any different because i love that the doggie saves the day yeah but i wish it had been niyasa's idea since niyasa

is the main character yeah that's that's my main I wish it had been Niasa's idea since Niasa is the main character. Yeah, that's my main fix. I would just rename it Bomba and the Ogre. Bomba and the Ogre. That's the fix. Perfect. That's going to do it for us on Fairytale Fix today.

Thank you all so much for listening to the show. If you would like to support us, there are a couple of ways you can do that. For free, 90 free, you can follow us on Instagram. You can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. You can leave us five stars on Spotify, preferably. Five stars only, please.

Five stars only. That's all we will accept. We're up to 81. Woo woo. Woo woo. Nice. You can join our Discord community. You can get access to all of that on our website, fairytalefixpod.com. If you have a little money and you would like to help support the podcast financially, we would very much appreciate it. You can go to fairytalefixpod.cash or fairytalefix.cash. We bought both because we kept saying both of them at different times. So either one of those will totally work. You can even go to patreon.com forward slash fairytalefix. You could do that as well. Gosh, there's also a button on our website you can go click. There are so many ways to get to our Patreon. And you can sign up for any of our various levels. You get bonus

episodes, you get merch, books, stickers. Sometimes we get a wild hair and we decide we do some, we decided to do some extra bonus content beyond the bonus episodes. We have fun over there. So definitely go check that out if you'd like to support us i think that's it all right and so ivan sort of stumbled his way through bosnia presumably and did it did it still end up marrying elena but he loved her so much and found her to be so charming that he totally told her the truth and she thought that was very cute and charming of him and then the rest of the story proceeded as it does with Elena as a co-conspirator and totally in the know perfect and my story Nyasa and the ogre was renamed to Bomba and the Ogre.

The best fix ever. And they all lived. Especially Bomba. Especially Bomba. Happily. Ever. After. The end.