Fairy Tale Fix - 92: Sounds Like Dwarf Slander

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

Before the folktale readings even begin, Kelsey and Abbie share stories from their misbegotten youths that are the opposite of fairy tale perfection. After the drama, Kelsey follows up with the classic Brothers Grimm tale of Snow White……..and Rose Red! Gotcha. Abbie finishes us off with a story (also from the BG’s) that reads like two pages accidentally got stuck together: The Turnip.

So the JBS woman story. Tell me everything. I need to know how this saga ends. OK. First, OK, so listeners, Kelsey and I were having discussion today over our Google chat about one James woman. James, not Jeremy. I don't think they're the same person.

Oh, OK, because I am specifically seeing Jeremy's name everywhere. So maybe this, so there was a high school, a person that we knew in high school, and I thought I'd been seeing his name everywhere, so maybe it's a different person. But I was like, oh, Abby, didn't you date this guy in high school?

I've been seeing his name everywhere. He seems like he's doing great. Good for you, Jeremy's name, whoever you are. Whoever you are. everywhere. He seems like he's doing great. Good for you, Jeremy. Beep! Whoever you are. Whoever you are. Impossible. Beep! He might be related in some way. Also, we're full naming people on here, I guess.

It's fine. It's fine. They're never going to find out about this podcast. I am a little scared of it. Oh, good. Okay, cool. I mean, I highly- They're not going to listen to 92 episodes to get to this podcast. I am also... And also... Oh, good. Okay, cool. I mean... And they're not gonna listen to 92 episodes to get to this one. I'm also sure of that. Highly improbable. So, you know, we're just... We're full naming people. Don't add us about

it. You know what? Maybe just bleep out that last name. Maybe I will. Maybe I will in the edit. But first, before I get to the story, you're listening to Fairy Tale Fix. FYI, I'm Abbey. I'm Kelsey. In addition to a podcast where you learn great slash embarrassing stories about your hosts, we also are at some point going to read classic fairy tales and then fix them for a modern audience. Hell, yeah. That's how we do it on FTF.

FTF, baby. And now, an embarrassing story. I did date a guy in high school. I did date a guy called James Beep in high school. I know he had an older brother. Jeremy might be his older brother. No idea. Anywho, James Beep was my first kiss, even though it, I guess it was, as first kisses go, I guess it was fine. It was on a bus and my stop was coming up and he says, hey, do you want a kiss? And I was like, sure. All right.

I was 14. I had never been kissed. I was like, yeah, okay. You know what? I love that. It was kind been kissed. I was like, yeah, okay. You know what? I love that. It was kind of cute actually. And with the confidence. Yeah.

Well, he was very shy about it. So that was also part of the charm. It was very dry. It was very chaste. Neither of us knew how to kiss anybody. And then I got off of my stuff and we just kind of awkwardly waved at each other as the bus drove away. Wow.

That's amazing. That's the story of my first kiss. You're welcome, Earth. Then I would later go on to pretend that my first kiss was actually from Austin Fisher, who was a weird goth boy who bought me hot chocolate and was just way sexier in every possible way. Super cool. I remember you dating Austin and it just being like, wow, Abby really bagged that one.

It was a nice pull for Abby. He was a little intense, but very cool. Wasn't he in a grade above us too? Yes, he was also. And in high school, that's like- He was a junior and I was a sophomore. So- That's kind of a big deal when you're in high school. I know. It was a really cool two weeks for me.

Okay. But you have to tell everybody else the rest of the story about James Beep. We had what I thought in my 14-year-old brain was a beautiful relationship full of chaste kisses and hanging out at lunchtime at his house because he lived down the street from our school. Yep. And he had a ball python. That's not a metaphor for anything. It was a literal snake. I remember James was a total dork. Yes, he was a total dork, but I like that.

Yeah, in a very cute way. And then he walked out in front of a car one day and broke his leg. That was it. Yes, he also, he, of a car one day and broke his leg. That was it. Yes, he also, this is the part of the story my mother reminded me about. Okay, okay. I'm so excited. I forgot that he got hit by a car and broke his leg. I remember that because, I don't know, just- Wait, why did you remember that? I don't know.

I think I remember because I went to the same high school. So I was like, how did you get hit by a car? You'd have to really run out in front of a car to get hit by one on the road. Or maybe was he walking? Because everybody was jaywalking in high school. Sure. Yeah. I'm sure it was his fault. People drive pretty fast going down that road.

Yeah. The road in front of PB. I'm victim blaming super hard, but I remember thinking to myself. Yeah, you are, damn. He got hit by a car. I think it was his fault though. It probably was.

He was probably jaywalking and not paying attention. James, if you're listening to this, reach out to me and let me know. Tell us the horrible traumatic story. James, if you're listening to this, reach out to me. Tell us the horrible, traumatic story. Tell me the truth so I quit blaming you in my head because I am until you tell me otherwise. Continuing the story. Yes.

Tell me about the dance. Okay. So before James got hit by the car, he had asked me, because I was his girlfriend or whatever, to the big school dance that spring. And it was exciting. I picked out a really pretty dress. It was maroon with little sparkles on it. His mom took me with him to get his suit and I brought the dress so that we could color match his pocket handkerchief. That is so cute. His mom loved me.

This isn't even like prom. This is just like a winter dance, right? It was twerps. I mean, that is like prom for junior freshmen. It was. I remember specifically it was twerps. It was the spring dance. So it was, you know, it was a big deal. Romance. I know. But, t'was not to be for young James got hit by a car. Or, oh, was that why he didn't take you to the dance?

I can't remember if that was why. But okay, but the point is he broke up with me the week before the dance. Yes, that's what you told me over Google chat and I was really pissed for you. I was like, oh, good for him. I think he's doing really well. And then you said that and I was like, fuck him.

I'm gonna kick him in the dick if I ever see him. And say, that was for Abby. Then just run away. No explanation. His wife and kids, aghast. Who's Abby? Aghast. Aghog. You never told me about Abby. Who's Abigail? Exactly. Causing all sorts of drama for him and he got kicked in the dick. Kelsey. I'm ready. I love you so much. I honestly don't know if I would ever recognize him. I don't remember what he looks like. I think he was blonde. He's blonde, yeah.

That's all I remember. He was blonde and I say was because I haven't seen him since freshman year of high school because then we changed high schools. I say was because I haven't seen him since freshman year of high school because then we changed high schools. Yeah, who knows? But he was blonde and had blue eyes and was kind of adorable in sort of a short, pudgy sort of way. I thought he was very cute until he smashed my 14-year-old heart to a billion pieces right before the school dance.

Fucking teenage boys. Teenage boys fucking suck. I do wonder if he partially broke up with me because of the self-consciousness of not wanting to, because he was fully in a cast. I also remember that the week after, he also had a bandage on his head because he had a concussion. Oh, no. I don't know.

He really got hit by a car. So this part of me that wonders, he got hit by a car real bad. That's funny. I don't know. I'm still mad at him for breaking up with you before a dance. Me too because the thing is I wouldn't have cared. I thought he was really cute and I was very excited to go to the dance with him, cast or no cast, concussion or no concussion.

And I remembered it that you broke up with him, but that wasn't the case. That wasn't the case because I called my mom this afternoon to see if she'd remember the story better than me because my mom is the keeper of my memories. Yep, absolutely. Yeah, she would remember. She remembers the story. She is the mentor of all broken hearts. Because what I said was, hey, mom, remember James Sabelman? And she's like the jerk who broke up with you right before the school dance.

God damn it. I love that. Oh, you're the best, Sin. Fuck yeah. The cocksucker. That's what she should have said. That cocksucker. That cocks. That fucking cocksucking bastard. To clarify, this is not meant to be a homophobic slur in any way. My mom went through a dead wood phase. She helped me when I had a broken heart by calling my boyfriend a fucking cock sucking bastard. That was the best thing any adult ever said to a little 16-year-old me.

My mom is such a homie. She's such a homie. I'll never forget that moment. My mother is a girl's girl. You show up and you tell her anything a boy did and she's like, that bastard. Yep. She's on your side 100% and it was the best. Your mom's the best. I love my mom. She's the best. You're the best. Listeners, Kelsey's the best friend a girl could ask for in the entire world. I laughed so hard when you said you would kick James in the dick if you ever saw him

in public. I'm going to find a picture of him on Facebook or something. Yeah, I'm going to find him. If you bump into him, you can make good on your promises. Absolutely. 100%. That was rabid. That just run off.

Amazing. As he deserves, I'm sure. But my mom also told me she remembered this part of it and she was doing it to cheer me up because I was so sad over this dorky boy who didn't want to take me to the dance anymore even though I had a dress and he had a handkerchief that matched my dress. I know, that's so cute. It was so cute and so I was devastated. My little 14-year-old heart was cracked in half.

My mom made fun of him by saying, really, you want to go to the dance with this? She clutched her head and then started like… God damn it, your mom's amazing. She just started limping like... It's so fucking funny. This is the Cynthia appreciation episode. Everybody needs to know how great Abby's mom is. She's just the best. Oh my God, I love her so much. It was so funny.

She's like, Abby, you don't want to go to the dance with this. She's clutching her head and fake limping around. Oh my God. Amazing. Oh God. I love my mom so much. It cheered me up so much. I felt so much better. I laughed my ass off. Again, not to make fun of people with a limp or people who get hit by cars. No, just that specific. Just that specific jerk. That specific jerk being made fun of for being such a fucking asshole to me. It just made me feel so much better. Thank you, mom. You're the best mom.

Just going to crown you right now at the mom pageant that's taking place in my head. The queen of mothers. The queen of mothers. Anyway, that's the James Bond story. No idea who Jeremy is. Okay. Okay. Well then, Jeremy, I guess you're safe for now. For now. We'll see.

Maybe James changed his name. I was wondering, was maybe James like a nickname or I don't know. Nope. It was James. It was definitely James. Okay. Well. I just, I remember he had an older brother, but I didn't care about the older brother, so I

never bothered to learn his name. Yeah, why would you? I would die. Who cares about that guy? When I had beautiful James. Should I tell everyone the embarrassing dance story that it reminded me of? Yes. Dance adjacent teenage boy fuckery.

Let's hear it. I just want everybody else to feel better about themselves because when I was in high school, it was funny. I was like, oh, I think I said the same thing happened to me and then I told a completely different story. It was a totally different story, but it was fair. But I understand where you got it because it was also teenage boys being fuckheads around school dances. Yep. So my- So similar themes.

Yes, exactly. My high school boyfriend, Matt Spie. It might've actually been junior high. So I was either like 14 or 15, something like that. I think it was junior high because I remember by the time we got to high school, you already really hated Matt. I don't remember ever hating him. Actually like, okay. Okay. But anyway.

All right, go on. So we were dating and we went to different schools and he said, hey, I already promised my friend Maggie that I'd go to this dance with her. So do you mind if we go instead together? And me, my kind, tiny teenage, naive-as-fuck heart was like, of course, no problem. Don't even worry about it. You guys have fun. And I liked Maggie too.

I thought Maggie was cool as fuck. That's because you're a girl's girl. And of course, right after they went to the dance, Matt broke up with me and started dating Maggie, which actually I feel like I remember thinking they were a cute couple. I wasn't really that sad because I didn't like Matt that much. But just like sometimes I like think about how chill I was about stuff and I'm like, man, I was so naive and just stupid.

Like, come on, girl. Well, but that's how you learn and become not naive. Is fuckhead teenage boys lie to you and you believe them and then you get burned and you're like, oh. Yeah. But that's on him. That's on him for being a shitty little fucker and straight up lying to you instead of being honest that he wanted to take Maggie to the dance. Just break up with me then. Yeah, just break up with me now. He's probably

keeping his options open or something in case she didn't want to date him. Because he's a little fucker. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably exactly what he was doing. Anyway, so if you've ever felt bad about yourself, also know that it happened to me again later in high school. This is the part that's really funny. Because the first one can be excused as like, you're so warmhearted. I did it again. You're very unsuspicious.

You're trusting. You're supportive. So yeah, my boyfriend in high school. Yeah. You know, like we're at it. I'm going to leave names out of this one because I feel like that's actually more likely that they might be listening. Yeah.

But my, my boyfriend in high school was like, it was a dance and our song came on. So I ran over to him to like dance. And he was like, hey, this one girl told me she really wants to like someone to dance with at this song. And I told her I would dance with her. And again, my little naive heart went, oh, yeah, of course. Sure. That's so sweet of you.

But that's because you're so sweet. That's so nice. Sure, you can dance with this other girl at our song, at our last dance together ever. Sure. I mean, I think maybe part of me knew, but at the same time, part of me really, really didn't. I was, like, I think maybe part of me knew, but at the same time, part of me really, really didn't. Like, I was genuinely like, oh, you're so, like, that's so nice of you. You are very sweet. I have been very naive in the ways of love.

Uh-huh. I think we've talked about this before. I genuinely just believe people, when they tell me they feel a certain way. Why would they lie? Why would they lie? Why would you lie? So, thankfully, I met a man who I don't think would ever lie to me.

Again, maybe that's too funny, I don't know. Only time will tell, but. Only time will tell, but I think it's a better way to move through the world, especially with people that you're like married to, is to assume that they won't lie to you. I guess, I don't know. You know what, but it all worked out.

It was all fine and my heart was very broken for that last one. It was. When I discovered the truth. It was so awkward because he never told me. How I actually found out was like I went to a play that he was in. Yeah. And everybody was like, oh, like it's so awkward that you're here, but nobody would tell me why. It was fucking horrible. I was so heartbroken. And also not just heartbroken that we weren't together anymore, but that now we're not friends. I think that was the

hardest part of it. Yeah. Oh man, it just, it was sucked so bad. And nobody told me. Yeah. Nobody told me. I had to figure it out as all of our friends were looking at me like, Oh, that's so awkward that you're here. Yeah. Because not only did none of them tell you, he didn't have the stones to actually break up with you. He just let you find out in one of the more embarrassing ways you can find out that you're not with someone anymore, publicly. I wish ghosting had just been a thing. I wish I had, I don't know. It's just so embarrassing. Anyway, that's probably my most embarrassing story that I can think of in this moment. Yeah. It was, but honestly, it should be more embarrassing for him for being such a dipshit. Such a wang.

Such a fucking cock sucking bastard. This is the boyfriend that my mother called a cock sucking bastard. That's when I ran out of my house in the middle of the night and walked a million miles and showed up at your door barefoot, crying my eyes out and your mom like grabs me and she holds me and she's just like, fuck him. He's a fucking cock sucking bastard. And my mom like never cursed in front of me like that as a kid or really like was super comforting. Like my mom's comforting when I'm sick, but not when I'm emotional. Right. Yeah.

So Cynthia holding me and just telling me he was a cocksucking bastard. Oh my God. One of my core memories. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah. That's one thing. That's one thing my mom does super good, which is feelings. Are you having big feelings? She'll have big feelings too. Oh gosh. How fun. Anyway. Anyway, the point of all of these stories really is that teenage boys fucking suck. Uh-huh. Yeah. And if you ever did that to somebody

and you're listening to this podcast, go apologize right now. Go apologize. If I got an apology from either of them, I would be elated. I would feel so good. Yes, same. But I don't think they even think about it probably,

which is like. Probably not. Anyway. All right. Let's read some fairy tales. I'm super excited about mine. I actually had a dream about reading this to you. I was trying to choose between a few that I had read and this was the one I dreamt about

and I was like, oh, okay, so it has to be that one. Obviously. I am reading Snow White. Really? And Rose Red. Oh. I was trying to psych you out. I was like, I mean, I was honestly like halfway to miffed. You're like, we didn't fuck. It's like, wait, you should talk to me before we do a big one. What are you? Whoa, flugelhorn. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Although I absolutely one of us needs to read Snow White like this fall or in the winter. I'm really excited about that one.

Let's do a winter Snow White or a Cinderella, one of the two biggies. Maybe we should just do both. I want to do some big ones. I'm really stoked. Yeah. What the heck are we waiting for? It's like the fourth year. I don't know.

It's been four years. I don't know why we're waiting on all these big ones. I think it's because everybody knows it or at least that's what you think. That's how I felt about Sleeping Beauty. And then they have that whole second half of the story. Yeah. And like I've heard some shit about Cinderella. And I haven't read it. So I feel like why don't you read it? I would love to do Cinderella because I do know some shit about it

that I would love to talk about. Okay. And then I'll do Snow White. I don't know if it has some shit to talk about. But I think there's extra details that also got left out. Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Man, I'm so fucking excited.

OK. But Snow White and Rose Red is a tale. OK. It's a tale that actually one of our listeners recommended. And it's one that I read as a teenager when I bought this. I'm reading it from the one I got as a teenager. Oh, cool. Probably before my little broken heart story too.

Oh. In between my naivety, my first dance and my second dance of broken hearts. Teen boy fuckery. Right in between. And it's a Barnes and Noble edition of Grimm's Fairy Tales, which are always great. Great. Yeah.

Love it. Okay. But with Crazy, I couldn't find this in the original Folk and Fairy Tales that Jack Zipes did, that version. Well maybe this is a different edition, a later. Yeah. It has different names. Pull up that Wikipedia page. Yeah, baby. Pull up that Wikipedia page.

Yeah, baby, read me that Wikipedia page. So, let me decide what I can tell you. Yeah, I can tell you. It'll give you a couple hints. So Snow White and Rose Red, I could not find it. Let me see if I can try to pronounce this. Schmiewythenendrosenroth, the German name for it. I could not find it in the Jack Zipes version. I know it does

have different names, but I couldn't find anything even similar. The other name is the ungrateful dwarf. Interesting. Any relation to the ungrateful son? Does he have an ungrateful son? Does he have a toad on his face that he can't take off? I fucking wish. I wish it was that guy. The sequel. That's the best. It was written, The Ungrateful Dwarf was written by Caroline Stahl. It doesn't say when it was written, but she lived from 1776 to 1837 to give you a timeframe. Then the Grimm Brothers wrote it down. It's also called The Two Girls, The Bear, and The Dwarf.

Damn, okay. So this gives you some fuel for your predictions. It gives me some fuel for my predictions, but it also, I had a prediction that I... Well, I know I can still make it. I can still make it. Never mind. Never mind. make it, nevermind, nevermind. Cause it could not be true. Well then, I don't really have any more intro to it.

So let's go ahead, tell me your prediction. The two girls, Snow White and Rose Red are sisters. Okay. Prediction number one. Prediction number three, magic animal. Now I feel like now you have to make a prediction about the dwarf. I know.

You can do whatever you want. I can do whatever I want. Well, what do you want the story to be about? Or what elements do you want to have in the story? I'm just trying to think about what the dwarf is gonna be ungrateful for. Why is he such an ungrateful little snot? Did his dad not give him food? Is he being a real bitch about his parents not supporting him anymore?

I don't know if the story goes into that much detail to be honest with you. The ungrateful dwarf is given a special gift. I love that. Okay. So two girls are sisters, there's a magic animal and the ungrateful dwarf is given a special gift. I love those predictions. It's actually been a little while since I've read it. I kind of skimmed through it, but I read

this one as a kid and I really liked it. We had a listener, I can't remember what they said, but I think they really liked the story and I hope I do it justice and that you like our take. Anytime any of the listeners talk about how they really like a story, I'm like, ooh, I hope that you don't hate me for whatever my thoughts are about it. I hope you still like the story after we're through with it. Yeah, that's the better way to think about it. Without further ado, Snow White and Rose Red. There once was a poor widow who lived alone in her hut with her two children who were called Snow White and Rose Red.

Boom. Ding, ding, ding. Because they were like flowers which bloomed on two rose bushes which grew before the cottage. Okay. Which is really cute. Thanks. Yeah. Naming your kids after stuff outside your house. which grew before the cottage. Okay. Which is really cute. Thanks, yeah. Naming your kids after stuff outside your house. Pretty stuff outside your house.

Yeah, and what did you do before you had like, I don't know, I guess you still have a long history of family names and stuff, but. And then there's. I would rather be named Snow White or Rose Red. Than Kelsey? Yeah, 100%. That's a way cooler name.

It is a cool name. But they were two as pious, good, industrious, and amiable children as any that were in the world. Only Snow White was more quiet and gentle than Rose Red. For Rose Red would run and jump about the meadows. Classic Redhead. Absolutely. I was just about to Absolutely. Seeking flowers. I was just about to say. Fucking, she's passionate. That's why her hair is red. Yeah, for real. Fiery redheads, it's a thing. If you're a redhead and you don't feel that this is true, I don't want to know.

Don't tell us. Don't come at me. I assume it's genetic. It's got to be. And Rose Red would seek flowers and catch butterflies while Snow White sat at home helping her mother to keep her house or reading to her if there was nothing else to do, which is really sweet. I think those are both great hobbies for both of them. Absolutely. I think that's really precious. Good for them. The two children loved one another dearly and always walked hand in hand when they went out together.

Which is so cute. And even when they talked of it, they agreed that they would never separate from each other and that whatever one had, the other should share. Often, they ran deep into the forest separate from each other and that whatever one had, the other should share. Often they ran deep into the forest and gathered wild berries, but no beast ever harmed them, for the hare would eat cauliflowers out of their hands, the fawn would graze at their side, the goats would frisk about them in play, and the birds remained perched on the boughs,

singing as if no one were near. So like the OG Disney princesses. Yeah, these are legitimate to Disney princesses. No accident ever befell them. And if they stayed late in the forest and night came upon them, they used to lie down on the moss and sleep until morning because their mother knew they would do so. She felt no concern about them. One time, when they had thus passed the night in the forest and the dawn and the morning awoke them, they saw a beautiful child dressed in shining white sitting near their couch. She got up and looked at them kindly but without saying anything went into the forest and when the children looked around they saw

where they had slept was close to the edge of a pit into which they would have certainly fallen had they walked a couple steps further into the dark. Their mother told them the figure they had seen was doubtless the good angel who watches over children. Aww. Aww. That's adorable. Okay.

It's very sweet. This is really like, this is what like fairy tale, you know? Absolutely. Yeah. If I'm quiet, it's because this is good. I have nothing to add so far so swell. Snow White and Rose Red kept their mother's cottage so clean that it was a pleasure to enter it. Every morning in the summertime, Rose Red would first put the house in order and then gather a nose gay for her mother. What's a nose gay?

I actually, I forgot to look that up. So we're going to find out together. I love it. Okay. Nose gay, a small bunch of flowers, typically one that is sweet scented. Okay. We need to start bringing that back. Great. A nose gay. Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to start calling, that's what I'm going to start bringing that back. Great, a nose gay. Yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna start calling, that's what I'm gonna start calling a bouquet. So Rosewood would bring her mother a nose gay in which she always placed a bud from each rose tree.

Every winter's morning, Snow White would light the fire and put the kettle on to boil. And although the kettle was made of copper, it yet shone like gold because it was scoured so well. Gosh, this is so cozy. This is like a Miyazaki film so far. It's very domestic and charming, cozy.

And I can hear the ASMR of all the sounds of the forest and the cleaning. And the crackling of the stove, the boiling water, the shining copper kettle. I'm just, oh, I love it. Okay, tell me more. In the evenings, when the flakes of snow were falling, the mother would say, go snow white and bolt the door. And then they used to sit down on the hearth and the mother would put her spectacles and read out of a great book

while our children sat spinning. By their side, this feels like Barbie land. It is. Just like three gals living together and just happy as can be. Spinning, reading their books by the fire. By their side too laid a little lamb on a perch beside them, a little white dove reposed with her head under her wing. One evening when they were thus sitting comfortably together, there came a knock at the door as if somebody wished to come in. Make haste, Rose Red, cried her mother, imagining she's singing it.

This is a musical. Make haste and open the door. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Perhaps there is some traveler outside who needs shelter. And they're so kind. Are they going to get burned the way you got burned because they're so nice and trusting? Oh my God. Is that the theme of the day?

I hope not. We do know that there's an ungrateful dwarf coming. So Rose Red went and drew the bolt and opened the door expecting to see some poor man outside. But instead a great big bear poked his black head in. Rose Red shrieked out and ran back and the little lamb bleated and the dove fluttered to her perch and Snow White hid herself behind her mother's bed. The bear however, began to speak.

Yeah! Ding ding ding! Yeah, baby! Being not afraid, I will do you no harm, but I am half-frozen and wish to come in and warm myself. Poor bear! cried the mother, whose name is now Cynthia. Yes, very appropriate. Poor bear, come in and lie down. Oh my God.

One of us is rose red and one of us is snow white. Oh my gosh, yes. Just mentally shoving Maddie out into the snow. Sorry, Maddie. We are sisters in this story. Exactly. Get out of here.die out into the snow. Sorry, Maddie. We are sisters in this story. Exactly. Get out of here.

You can be the dove. Oh, yeah. I have a sister too. Whatever. She can be the lamb. Shove Callie out of the snow too. She can be the ungrateful dwarf. I'm kidding. Okay. Poor bear cried the mother, come in and lie down

before the fire and take care you do not burn your skin. And then she continued, come here rose red and snow white. The bear will not harm you. He means honorably. She naively said. Naively. It doesn't. It didn't say that. Like a fool. Like a fool. Like a foolish fool. So they both came back and by degrees of the lamb too and the dove overcame their fears and welcomed the rough visitor. It's like a fairy tale. For once. You children, said the bear before he entered, come and knock the snow off my coat.

And they fetched their brooms and swept him clean. Then he stretched himself before the fire and grumbled out his satisfaction. And in a little while, the children became familiar enough to play tricks with the unwieldy animal. They pulled on his long shaggy skin, set their feet upon his back and rolled him to and fro and even ventured to beat him with a hazel stick laughing when he crumbled. I guess he's too big to be that hard. Yeah.

They're just fucking with him. He's their pet now. Yeah. The bear bore all their tricks good temperedlyperedly, and if they hit too hard, he cried out, Leave my life, you children, Snow White and Rose Red, or you'll never wed. Oh, shit. Okay, don't. The bear's gonna curse you. Yeah, that's the curse. When bedtime came and the others were gone, the mother said to the bear,

You may sleep here on the hearth if you like, and then you will be safely protected from the cold and bad weather. As soon as day broke and the two children let the bear out again, and he trotted away over the snow, and ever afterwards, he came every evening in a certain hour. He would lie down on the hearth

and allow the children to play with him as much as they liked, till by degrees they became so accustomed to him that the door was left unbolted till their black friend arrived. Aww. Okay. That's sweet. Yeah, they're, he's a good, they love him. He's part of the family now. Yeah, he can just come and go as he pleases now. That's very sweet. Very adorable. Yeah. But as soon as spring returned and everything out of doors was green again,

the bear one morning told Snow White that he must leave her and could not return during the whole summer. "'Where are you going then, dear bear?' asked Snow White." This is the bear speaking now, so I gotta get my bear voice. I guess you, yeah, I understand. It wasn't clear based on the way this is written. There needs to be more paragraph breaks. We should re-edit it.

I'm just saying. With whatever effects we come up with. If we come up with, okay. I am obliged to go into the forest and guard my treasures from the evil dwarfs. For in winter, when ground is hard, they are obliged to keep in the forest and guard my treasures from the evil dwarfs, for in winter, when ground is hard, they are obliged to keep in their holes and cannot work through. But now, since the sun is thawed and the earth is warmed it, the dwarfs pierce through and steal all they can find. And what has once passed into their hands and gets concealed by them in

their caves is not easily brought to light. Snow White, however, was very sad at the departure of Bear and opened the door so hesitatingly that when he pressed through it, he left behind on the snack a piece of his hairy coat and through the hole which was made of his coat Snow White fancied she saw the glittering of gold, but she was not quite certain of it. The bear, however, ran hastily away and was soon hidden by the tree. This bear is a prince in disguise. I'll bet nothing on it, but I think that's probably true. Mid-story prediction. Yeah, mid-story prediction, the bear is a prince.

Sometime afterwards, the mother sent the children into the wood to gather sticks, and while doing so, they came to a tree which was lying across the path, on the trunk of which something kept bobbing up and down from the grass. They could not imagine what it was. When they came nearer, they saw a dwarf with an old wrinkled face and a snow-white beard a yard long. A yard? What? with an old wrinkled face and a snow white beard a yard long. A yard?

A lot. I love a long beard. You love one a yard long? Yes. That way you can tie it and a little braid. Hey, that's true. That's fair enough. Absolutely.

I love it. I love a long beard. Although, personality counts for a lot. Just saying. Okay. Oh dear. The end of his beard was fixed in a split of the tree. And the little man kept jumping about

like a dog tied by a chain, for he did not know how to free himself. I feel like this story is really prejudiced against dwarfs, but I dig this. I mean, probably. He glared at the maidens with his red fiery eyes and exclaimed, Why do you stand there? Are you going to pounce without offering me any assistance? What have you done, little man?

asked Rose Red. Oh my God. Oh, you, sorry. You stupid gaping goose, sorry. Wow. You stupid gaping goose. Exclusive. Wow. Harsh.

I know. You stupid gaping goose. I'm using it though. That's what I'm saying from now on. I know, I like it. You stupid gaping goose. I wanted to split the tree in order to get a little wood for my kitchen.

For the little wood which we use is soon to be burnt up with great logs. Not like what you rough, greedy people devour. I had driven the wedge in properly, and everything was going on well when the smooth wood flew upward and the tree closed so suddenly together that I could not draw my beautiful beard out. And here it sticks and I cannot get away. There, don't laugh you milk-faced things. Are you dumbfounded? The children took out all the pains they could to pull the dwarf's beard out but without success. I will run and fetch some help, cried

Rose Red at length. Crack brain, sheep's head that you are, snarled the dwarf. What are you going to call other people for? I love him. You two. He's so grumpy. He's a grumpy dwarf. The grumpiest. Get it?

Because that's one of the dwarves in Snow White. Oh, yes. His name is grumpy. I'm slow. It's late for me. Excuse me. It's late for me. Excuse me. It is late.

My brain is not... I am not smart brained today. You're fine. I think you're smart brained all the time. Oh, thank you. I appreciate you. That movie came out in what, like, the 50s? Yeah.

Okay. I don't know. All right. What are you doing to call other people for? You are too, too many now for me. Can you think of nothing else? Don't be impatient, replied Snow White. I have thought of something.

And pulling her scissors out of her pockets, she cut off the end of the beard. As soon as the dwarf found himself at liberty, he snatched up a sack which lay between the roots of the tree filled with gold, throwing it over his shoulder, marched off, grumbling and groaning and crying. Stupid people to cut off a piece of my beautiful beard plain take you. And away he went without looking at the children. Oh damn. Okay. So this is why he's ungrateful. Ungrateful. He's pissed. And you know what? To be fair, cutting off his beard, that's a yard long. He obviously worked hard for that.

I'd be mad too. She didn't ask first. She just did it. So to be fair, is he a great, I mean. I mean, in their defense, he was being very, he was being shitty when they're trying to help him. That's, yeah, that's a really good point. I don't know.

I might have just cut off his beard too and be like, all right, you little bastard. There you go. You're free. Go away. Fair enough. You know what? I think both of them have valid points at this point. At this point. At this point. Okay. Some time afterwards, Snow White and Rose Red went a fishing and they near the pond. Not a nutting, but a fishing. It says

a fishing. I could have just said fishing, but. No, it's a fishing. I'm trying to read the story. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop talking. I'm sorry. No doubt. That's the whole podcast. And as they neared the pond, they saw something like a great locust hopping about on the bank as if going to jump into the water.

They ran up and recognized our great friend, the dwarf. Hooray! What are you after? asked Rose Red. I can't say Rose Red. It's either Rose Red or Rose Wed. What are you after? asked Rose Red. You will fall into the water. I am not such quite a simpleton as that replied the dwarf. But do you not see this fish will pull me in? And the little man had been sitting there angling, which also is a fishing. It's a tight, yes, it's a fishing. And unfortunately, the wind had entangled his beard again. Issues with the beard with the fishing line.

It's just not practical to have it that long. I'm sorry. You need to have a better strategy. It looks so good, but it is impractical. It's not good for fishing. It's not good for wood cutting, buddy. You should braid it up protective style. So when a great fish bit at the bait, the strength of the weak little fellow was not able to draw it out and the fish had the best of the struggle.

The dwarf held on by the reeds and the rushes which grew near, but to no purpose for the fish pulled him where it liked and he must soon too have been drawn into the pond. Luckily, just then, two maidens, our maidens, our sweet girls arrived and tried to release the beard of the dwarf from the fishing line, but both were too closely entangled for it to be done so. So the maiden pulled out her scissors once again and cut off another piece of his beard. Yeah, that's, you know, that's just how it goes.

That time, like it's either drown or get your beard cut off. So it's a time sensitive situation. They're still saving your ass. The dwarf saw this done and he was in a great rage and exclaimed, you donkey, that is the way to disfigure my face. Was it not enough to cut it once, but you must now take away the best part of my fine beard?

I dare not show myself again now to my own people. I wish you had to run the soles of your boots before you would come here. And so saying, he took up a bag of pearls, which laid among the rushes and without speaking another word, slipped off and disappeared behind a stone." Wow. It's fucking ungrateful. I think that she did give you a special gift, your life, you're welcome. Yeah, that one is a little harder to…

The other one, it's like, okay, I get it. You're not in a hurry. Yeah, you could have taken a little more time to get him free without cutting him off. Yeah, you know what? And not many days after this adventure, it chanced that the mother sent the two maidens to the next town to buy thread, needles and pins and laces and ribbon. Their road passed over a common on which here and there great pieces of rock were lying about.

Just over their heads, they saw a great bird flying round and round and every now and then dropping lower and lower till at last it flew down behind a rock. Is it hunting the dwarf? You see. Immediately afterwards, they heard a piercing shriek and running up, they saw with a fright that the eagle had caught their old acquaintance, the dwarf. Yes. He's trying to carry him off. they saw with a fright that the eagle had caught their old acquaintance the dwarf who was trying to carry him off. The compassionate, sweet, wonderful, amazing, beautiful,

probably very funny and smart children thereupon laid hold of the little man and held him fast till the bird gave up the struggle and flew off. Assumed then as the dwarf had recovered from his fright, he exclaimed in his squeaking voice, could you not hold me more gently? You have seized my fine brown coat. It's such a matter that it is all torn and full of holes, meddling and interfering rubbish that you are. With these words, he shouldered a bag filled with precious stones and slipped away into his cave among the rocks. They didn't even cut off any of his beard this time. They literally saved him from being eaten by an eagle. The maidens were now accustomed to his ingratitude. And so they walked onto the town and transacted their business there.

They're just like, that's that guy for you. Next time we'll just let the eagle eat him. No, they would never. I know, they're nice. Too nice. They would not. Way too nice. Coming home, they returned over the same common, and unawares walked up to a certain clean spot

in which the dwarf had shaken out his bag of precious stones, thinking nobody was near. The sun was shining and the bright stones glittered in its beams and displayed such a variety of colors that the two may didn and stopped to admire them. What are you standing around there right before? Asked the dwarf. While his face grew as red as copper with a ring.

I am loving that your voice is getting increasingly like get off my lawn style blustery. More garbled. Amazing. Thank you. It's a decision I've made in the moment. It's perfect. His face grew as red as copper with rage. He was continuing to abuse the poor maidens when a loud roaring noise was heard.

Presently, a great black bear came rolling out of the forest. Hell yeah, I was wondering when the bear was going to show back up. Uh-huh. The dwarf jumped up terrified, but he could not gain his retreat before the bear overtook him. Thereupon he cried out, Spare me, my dear Lord Bear, I'll give you all my treasures. See these beautiful precious stones which lie here? Only give me my life for what you have to fear from a little weak fellow like me. You could not touch me with your big teeth. There are two wicked girls.

Take them. Wicked girls. And they would make such nice morsels and sprouted as young quails, eat them for heaven's sake. The bear, however, without troubling himself to speak, gave the bad-hearted dwarf a single blow with his paw and he never stirred after. The bear fucking kills him? I got dark.

I got dark. Now it feels like a fairy tale. The maidens are then going to run away, but bear called after them. Snow white and rose red, fear not. Wait a bit and I will accompany you. They recognized his voice and stopped. And when the Bear came, his rough coat suddenly fell off and stood up a tall man dressed entirely in gum. Oh, amazing. What? Who? Who could have predicted? Indeed.

That. Could have known. Was it, was it you? It may have been. And I'm assuming he is going to ask Snow White to marry him because he and Snow White had a connection. I think they're really young, but I don't remember. The story is not been clear at all. I think they were like little girls, but we're going

to see. Not that that stops people in fairy tales. That's true. You know what? Depending on how it ends, then we're going to decide how we'll do it. Okay. But the artwork for this story, they look like they're nine. Okay. So anywho, I am a king's son, he said, and was condemned by the wicked dwarf who stole all my treasures to wander about in the forest

in the form of a bear till his death released me. Now he's received his well-deserved punishment." Okay. So it's okay that he killed the dwarf. Yeah. So we don't have to feel bad for the dwarf. Because in addition to being a cantankerous, ungrateful old man, he also cursed a prince. Yeah. So you know what? Fuck him.

Fuck that guy. You know what? Having a great yard long beard, this is a good lesson for me personally. Having a great beard doesn't mean you're a great person. No, no, Kelsey. A great beard is not the same thing as a green flag. God, you know what? It's a really good reminder.

I needed that. Okay. Then they went home and Snow White was married to the prince. You nailed it. Man, I'm just, I'm on fire with this guessing game. I have a fix for the story. And Rose read to his brother, whom we're just learning about, with whom they shared immense treasure which the dwarf had collected. The old mother also lived for many years happily with her two children, and the rose trees,

which had stood before the cottage, were planted now before the palace and produced every year beautiful red and white roses at the end. Okay. God damn it. I do love that story so much. That's a great story. So good. That's so fun.

I had no complaints. I was wondering like, man, no fixes needed until we got to the very end. Yeah. Maybe like, okay, so obviously they have to be a little bit older. There's two ways this could go. One way, the story is exactly the same except the maidens are at least like 16. Yep. Preferably older.

Yeah. Google right now, Snow White and Rose Red and like look at the pictures that come up. Like they look, they're little girls. They're tiny. I put, yeah. Okay, well there's some artwork that has them

looking a little taller and a little more teenaged. So, aw. But then everything else is like, they look, they look somewhere in between nine and 13, depending on the artwork. And I'm not, I'm not okay with it. Let's just say the bear,

you know what, it didn't say how old the bear was. Let's say he's also 13. Okay, okay. Get married because he's a prince and you can get married when you're 13 and a 17-year-old. I mean. Yeah, Snow White and Rose Red look hella young in some of these. Hella young. I love that the bear, the Prince Bear had a brother that we didn't hear about and all

of a sudden it's like, and his sister also got married and it's fine. It's fine. They're both happily ever after and they share a pool. They have a back, like adjoining backyards with one big pool. They're living between. Okay. I mean, that's cute though. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. The fix of the story is definitely for me anyway, because I also don't like it if they're all 13 either and making these huge decisions. I didn't remember the marriage part. I also didn't remember that the dwarf got- Killed. Unalived. Unalived. If we're going to use TikTok speak. A couple of our TikToks got banned because of things we say.

Oh, that makes sense because we do, I mean, we say horrible things because horrible things happen. We don't say horrible things. Actually, that's not true. We also do. We also say horrible things. But for the most part, the Brothers Grimm said horrible things. We're just passing on the info. The Germans. Yeah. The Germans said terrible things. Yeah. So either they're all aged up to like, you know what? I want to say 19. They're all aged up to a nice 19.

You know what? Yeah. So, you know, still youthful, still fresh, still teenaged, you know, but an adult teen age. Still hot. Still hot. But in a- You know what? Yeah. Now I want to say that they're in their 30s because they're still-

They're young, they're sexy, they're hot. And it's actually not them and their mother. It's a witch coven. Yeah. Well, I mean, but it's them and their mother and they're all witches. And that's why they lived alone in the woods. Yeah. Until their 30s. Until their 30s. And then they met a bear. Yeah. A hot bear with a hot bear brother.

Randomly shows up at the end. Yeah, I love it. That's great. New story. Either that or like the print or like, they're all still really young, but they don't get married. The bear rewards them handsomely with an estate or whatever.

Yeah, that'd be fine. And then when they get older, and if they wanna get married, they can if they want. I think my biggest fix isn't the marriage thing at all. I think my biggest fix isn't the marriage thing at all. I mean, that's important, but I also feel like I get that the bearer kills the dwarf, but I feel like this story unnecessarily was against the dwarf. I don't know why I'm going to bat so hard for this dwarf, but maybe I wish he had been a little more evil, like done something bad to the girls every time that

they tried to help him instead of just being ungrateful. Right. That he was explicitly evil. Right. And like, and more and more evil every time. So that by the time, like maybe he was going to take the scissors and like try to kill the girls. And that's why the bear stepped in to protect them so hard. You know what I mean? Like, cause that seemed really sudden. Cause being unkind and unpolite while a shitty

isn't really enough for me to be like, yeah, die, fucker. Kelsey, you are right. You are correct. He was giving me fanny vibes and I don't know, I just, I felt for him a little somehow, cause I'm so naive. Stealing from rich people and then being ungrateful are not reasons why you deserve to die.

Yeah. Maybe he's had a really hard life. You don't know what's going on with him. Maybe they were so kind to him because they were like, you know what? He's having a really hard couple of days. Poor guy. I don't know. Just saying.

I'm with you. I agree. What he did was not enough to deserve death. He was just rude and that's not... I think the first time he does something rude, the second time he does something a little more physically violent or more questionable. The third time he's about to murder them, just straight up evil or maybe do a curse on them.

Right. They're about to step into a trap that he's laid for them so that he can curse them or something. Yeah. Yeah. That's when the prince steps in. Then that's when the bear comes in and is like, I guess bad news. Everybody's 25 in this story.

No, Abby, they're all 35. Everybody's 35 in this story. Except for the dwarf, he's 135 because they live forever. That's how long it took him to grow his illustrious beard. Oh my God. A whole yard. A whole yard. That's not why I'm going to bat for him. So hard, I promise.

I'm pretty sure. He just gave me very Fanny vibes and it was like he was being rude, yeah, but he wasn't being hurtful. Yeah, I agree. You know, he, you know, people go through shit and they're not nice sometimes, and that doesn't mean they don't deserve to live or be saved, you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Damn it. I don't know why. I can't just hate that.

No, I've been like, and I think it's such a, it's a great point. And I don't know, the whole, he cursed the bear thing seems like really random and out of nowhere. So did he really, or is that what, cause like it also, it sounds like, it sounds like dwarf slander to me. Cause really the Prince told you that. That's the title of that's the, a contender.

Sounds like dwarfs. Dwarf slander. Oh my God. Sounds like Dwarf Slander. Dwarf Slander. Oh my gosh. It smells like Dwarf Slander. Sounds like Dwarf Slander. Yeah. I don't even know if I'm going to let anybody vote on that. I just love it so much.

We're doing it. I'm sorry. That's the episode title. Sounds like Dwarf Slander. Well, because who told us what happened? The prince right after he killed him to justify that he murked this dwarf. When he already was prejudiced against dwarfs from the beginning, he was like, oh. Because he's out to stomp them explicitly. And just because this dwarf was a little rude does not mean that the prince had the right to kill him.

Yep, yep, yep. I'm fully on team, I'm on team Cranky Dwarf now. on Team Cranky Dwarf now. I hope whoever recommended this story, I hope you enjoyed our take. I'm sorry, I don't, I can't remember who it was. Please message us and let us know what you thought. I hope you liked it. And let us know how you feel. Or if there's a different version or if you know if there's a different Jack Sipes translation

that I couldn't find. Maybe it's called something totally different. I really want to know. Oh, and you got two points. You got it. Yeah. Oh, did he? No, he wasn't given a special.

Well, was he given a special gift? The gift of being alive. I'm giving you three points. Because he was. He was given a special gift three times. He sure fucking was. You're welcome. And he was ungrateful. That was a great, that was a fun. That was super fun. I loved that. I'm going to follow it up with another. Yes.

This one is going to be from the Jack Zipes book. I'll do a more involved story next time, but it's getting late over here and I just don't feel like using my brain. So sorry listeners, I'll do something different next time. But Kelsey, tell me when to stop. Okay. Keep going, keep going. And stop.

Oh, wait. Did we do that one last time? Because I have my bookmark in here, it was bookmarked on the ungrateful son. Oh my God, that's such a good one. All right. We're going to do the one right beneath it, which is called The Turnip. Oh my God. That's the one that was right after Snow White and Rose Red on my book. Oh, really? This one is, let's see, I'm trying not to look at the story so that I don't spoil it,

but it's one, two, it's two and a half pages. Should I go for it? Yeah, let's do it. What do we think the turnip is about? Well, based on everything I know about turnips and fairy tales, I think there's a princess. Indeed. Is that just because of the turnip princess? Yes, that's the only... That's all I have to go on. I've got to find that book again. I lost it somewhere, but I really miss it because those stories are always amazing or nothing. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to bring that one out more often. We've been pretty grim heavy lately. We have been, but I'm also... There are so many of them. They're really easy to read and they're so fun. Yeah. Okay. There's a princess.

There's a princess. I think that there's going to be three of something, like three brothers, three sisters, three times somebody has to do something. Threes. Is that okay? I love it. I mean, I don't know because I also haven't read it. So fine.

Yes, do what you want. Yeah. And then lastly, I predict that there has got to be a tricky king. Ooh, okay. All right. A tricky king. Amazing. All right. What are your predictions?

Magic item. Love it. One mention of a turnip and then never again. That's such a good prediction. Somebody dies. Somebody dies. Someone will die of fun. Okay. All right.

Tell me the turnip. The turnip, once upon a time. Classic. Thank you. I wrote it myself. These evening ones are just like... I'm getting tired and so my brain is getting loosey goosey. Okay. Anyway, once upon a time, there were

two brothers, ha, two. God fucking damn it. Both of whom served as soldiers. One brother was rich and the other was poor. Since the poor brother wanted to improve his circumstances, he left the army and became a farmer. He dug and hoed his little piece of ground and planted turnip seeds. He really hoed. Hode all around. Yeah, he did. He hoed around. That's how you make the money. That's how you make that money. That's how you get rich.

Turnip rich. Turnip rich. We're totally getting through this. We are. We're doing it. We're making it. Okay. As the turnips begin to grow, one became large and strong and noticeably fatter than the others.

It seemed as if it would not stop growing at all. Soon it was called the queen of all turnips because nobody had ever seen one like it, nor will anybody see one like it again." Love that it's the queen turnip. It's the queen turnip, yes, absolutely, turnip queen. Amazing. I am imagining like James and the Giant Peach style turnip, like people are living in it. Oh, yes. That's how big it is in my head. Oh, that's so cool.

I hope that's what happens. So at last, it became so large that it filled an entire wagon by itself and two oxen were needed to pull it. Close enough. Close enough. The farmer had no idea what to do with the turnip, nor did he know whether it would bring him luck or misfortune. Finally, he thought. I love a suspicious farmer. Me too.

He's poor. He's gone through so many hardships that he's just like, this fucking huge-ass turnip, I don't know if this is actually going to be good or not. Unusual things mean attention, and I don't know if I want that. Smart. Very smart. So finally, he thought, if I sell it, I won't get anything worth much. And if I eat it, you might as well eat the small turnips, which are just as good. The best thing would be to bring it to the king.

That way I can honor him with a gift. Bring it to a tricky king. This guy. This guy. Be like, hey, look at that. Look at that, king. Give me a blue medal or whatever, ribbon. Give me a blue ribbon.

Yeah, no, from like a fair. Yeah, I got it. And like a bunch of money. Also like this is like the Midwest where like you pull over on the side of the road so you can see the biggest ball of twine. 100%. Anything, if it claims it's the biggest anything I want to see. Me too. I got to know.

So he loaded the turnip onto his wagon, hitched up two oxen, brought it to court and gave it to the king. What kind of rarity do we have here? asked the king. I've seen many strange things in my life, but I've never seen such a monstrosity as this. What kind of seed did it grow from? Or do you have a green thumb and are Lady Fortune's favorite son?" Aw. Aw. That one.

That one. Absolutely, except that's not what he says. Duh. He says, oh no, I'm not Fortune's favorite son. I'm just a poor soldier who gave up the army life because I could no longer support myself. Now I've taken up farming. You probably know my brother, your majesty. He's rich. Nobody pays attention to me because I have nothing. Okay. It started off really strong with being like, I fucking served our country and now I'm a man of the land, but then it turned like little whiny bitch and being like, well, my brother. Strong start kind of petered out there.

It did. It did. It did. How does the king feel? Well, he feels pity is what he feels. The guy's pulling a Jerry. You shall be relieved of your poverty and shall receive such gifts from me that will make you the equal of your brother. All right. At least it worked out for him.

It did. I'm happy for him. Because I feel like he could have gotten pity by just being like, I was a soldier and now I'm just trying to make ends meet. Right. Stop there. But instead it's like, you probably know my brother. Yeah.

Anyway, the king gives him gold, fields, meadows, and herds and made him so terribly rich that his brother's wealth could no longer match his at all. And when his brother heard what he had acquired with a single turnip, he became jealous. Oh, yeah, as they do. Of course, as they do. Because honestly, at least the farmer did something and deserves his money. Sure, sure. Yeah. It grew a thing. Is his brother going to try to grow turnips?

We'll fucking see, won't we? I don't know. Anyway, so when- Oh yeah, you're doing this. I have no idea what's happening. I forgot for a sec. You're like, ah. I'm just being sassy. I'm making, I'm judging everybody. I'm making assumptions.

Anyway, so the brother becomes jealous and he ponders ways to get fortune to smile on him too. However, he wanted to do everything in a more clever way. So he took. Mm-hmm. Wow, so clever. So smart. Competition all the time. He brings gold and horses to the king, for he was firmly convinced that the king would

give him a much larger present in return. Got to spend money to make money. Can't just be happy for your brother. No. You can't just be like, hey, that's so exciting. I'm so happy for you. No. I cannot stand if anyone is richer than him. All right. All right. After all, if his brother had obtained so much for a turnip, he would certainly get many, many more beautiful things. The king accepted his gifts and said that he could think

of nothing better or rarer to give him than the large turnip. Yeah, fair enough. What do you get the man who clearly has everything? Fair enough. What do you get the man who clearly has everything? You know what? That's such a good point. Also, can I tell you while you've been reading this, I looked up the world's largest turnip or biggest turnip. I'm going to send you a picture. All right. This man has the world record for the biggest turn out. Oh. It's not nearly as big as the one you described. I'm disappointed. That's pretty fucking huge though. It's pretty fucking huge. The problem is that one regular sized man is able to pick it up and hold it. I mean, good for him. I'm happy for him. It's a pretty big turnip. It's a huge turnip. But you're right. It's probably like a bunch of little turnips that just like converge

together. Yeah. It doesn't need a two-oxen cart to pull it anywhere. No, that's true. So I'm a little, I'm bummed out to be honest. I'm sorry. Now I wish I wouldn't have sent it to you. Well, that just makes it all the more- Magical. Appealing. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. But I'm happy for this man. Good for you for me. He looks so cute. I love him. Look how proud he is. He does look proud. He's got like

a donkey or horse in the background. Honestly, the man holding the turnip is very cute. He looks stoked. He's so cute. A Titanic turnip is what it says. Anyway. It's not Titanic. You're so unimpressed now. After reading this story, of course I am. What does the brother need to get to the king? The king gives him the huge turnip. The rich brother had the turnip loaded up on his wagon and driven to his home. Once there, he didn't know how to vent his anger and frustration. Finally, some evil thoughts came to him. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited.

He decided to kill his brother. Somebody dies. Oh my God. Just be happy for people, y'all. You're fine. No, absolutely not. Never. He hired murderers and showed them a place where they were to ambush his brother. Afterwards, he went to his brother and said, Dear brother, I know where to find a secret treasure. Let's divvy it up amongst us. Oh, his former farmer brother liked the idea because he's a nice person

and went with him without suspecting a thing. Yeah. However, everyone, I'm going to kill my brother. I fucking love that song. Secret, secret. We probably won't keep that in, but in case you want to, go watch Galavant for God's sake. If you haven't done it, if you've listened to 92 episodes of this podcast and you still haven't watched Galavant, you hate us at this point. That is a crime against us.

Okay, okay. So yes, secret, secret. Dying to know what happened. No, don't kill your brother. So they go to the place where the murder brother tells the non-murder brother that they're going to find treasure together. And the murderers fell upon him, tied him up, and were about to hang him from a tree when they heard loud singing and hoofbeats in the distance. and the murderers fell upon him, tied him up, and were about to hang him from a tree when they heard loud singing and hoofbeats in the distance. They became-

I love that. Me too. Okay, what's happening? They became frightened for their lives and hastily shoved their prisoner head over heels into a sack, which they hoisted up into a branch and then they fled. However, the brother went to work and made a hole in the sack through which he could poke his head. And who should be happening along the way but a wandering scholar, a young fellow,

riding along the road through the forest and singing a merry song. Probably secret, secret. Okay. Secret. But first to know the drink. So when the man up in the tree noticed that someone was passing below, he cried out, welcome, you've come at just the right time. The scholar. I love that.

That's how I want to start greeting everyone from now on forever. Look at you. Hey, you've come just at the right time. Exactly on forever. Look at you. Hey, you've come just at the right time. Exactly on time. The scholar looked around him but couldn't detect where the voice was coming from. Finally, he said, who's calling me? The man in the tree answered, lift your head. I'm sitting up here in the sack of wisdom where I've learned great things in only a

short time. Compared to all this, all schools are like a bag of hot wind. Soon, I shall have learned all there is to know. Then- That's just really random. You could just ask him to cut you down, but all right. Then I'll climb down from the tree and be wiser than all other human beings.

I understand the stars and the signs of the zodiac, the movements of the wind, the sand and sea, the cures for sickness, the power of herbs, birds and stones. So he's a witch now. That sounds like a burden to be honest. To know everything sounds hard, couldn't be me. Sounds really hard. I'd let somebody else do that. But it does sound like he's mostly talking about stuff that I would personally consider like modern witchcraft. For sure. If you would spend some time in the sack just once in the sack.

Stop it. You. I will not. Then you'd know. What is he saying? You'd know the glorious feeling that flows from the sack of wisdom. Oh my God. That's incredible.

Dirty. When the scholar heard all this, he was astounded and said, blessed be this hour in which I have found you. Would it be possible for me to get into the sack for a little while? Yeah, it would be. Yeah, it would. Get in here. No one's going to turn that down.

Absolutely. This whole story is a porn premise. A medieval porn premise. The man in the tree answered as if he didn't like this idea. I'll let you do it for a short time if you pay me and speak sweetly. God damn it. But you'll have to wait another hour because there's still something more I have to learn. We're almost done.

Where are we going? We're almost done. Thank God. I need this story. The student waited a little while, but he became impatient and begged to be let in because his thirst for knowledge was so overwhelming. His thirst for knowledge. I don't even remember the whole first part of the story now.

Who cares? After he waited a while, the man in the tree pretended to relent and said, In order for me to leave the House of Wisdom, you must lower the sack by the rope and then you can climb in. So the scholar lowered the sack, untied it, and set the man free. Next, he cried out, Now pull me up quickly. and he sought to get into the sack feet first. Stop! said the other. That's not the way. He grabbed the scholar's head and shoved him upside down into the sack. After that, he tied the sack and hoisted the disciple of wisdom up into the tree by the rope. Then he swung him back and forth in the air and said, How's it going, dear fellow? You see, I'm sure you already feel wisdom coming

and are getting valuable experience. Sit there nice and quiet until you get wiser. And upon saying this, he mounted the scholar's horse and rode away the end. Wait, did you switch to like a different page from a different story? No. Are you sure?

I'm so— I'm positive. I'm so confused. The story's number 60, and then following immediately after he gets on the scholar's horse and rides away is number 61. What? This is, the story changes completely. Because that was the next story. Somebody fucked up in telling this story.

What the fuck is this? What happened? I'm so confused. I'm so… It doesn't make any god… Because also, why are you picking on this guy? It's not just me, right? No, it's so confusing. Why are you suddenly picking on this guy? Why didn't you just ask this random stranger to cut you down."

They never mentioned the brother ever again. Wow. Okay. Somebody... I feel like I need to call Katrina from the fairy tellers and be like, what does this mean? Which tail type is this? Mia. What happened here? What in the miscommunication happened with this story? The brothers Grimm were very drunk and they were talking to two different people at the

pub that night. Oh, that's the answer. Because that makes zero sense, right? It's such a switch up. What's your fix? That the poor brother, the not so poor anymore brother just asks the scholar to cut him down and then gets revenge on his brother somehow. Well, I've, I got zero points.

There was no princess. There was no three of anything, which I'm really annoyed about. Cause there were two brothers and two murderers, one scholar, or maybe it's like two, maybe. And I don't know, the king wasn't tricky. No, he was just like... He was like, wow, that's a pretty big turnip.

Here, have some golden jewels and stuff. Was there a magic... Oh yeah, the magic item was like the... The turnip, I suppose. Not the turnip even, but like the basket. The basket? Not the basket, but the thing that the scholar was in. The sack? The sack. It was a magic sack. It was a magic sack? I mean, it wasn't though.

He said it was, but it's not really. Oh, you don't, was it not really? Was that explicitly said? He's lying to get the scholar to cut him down and get in the sack with him. All right, I guess the turnip. It's not even a magic turnip. It's just huge. You know what you're right. I'm not giving you that point.

It's just huge. There's no evidence that there's any magical items. Although to be fair, the actual largest turnip in the world can be held by one regular sized man in his arms. But it's not magic. It was still just a turnip. Nobody died. One mention of a turnip and never again.

No, there was quite a few mentions of a turnip. They mentioned it all over the place. Nobody died. You also got zero points. Yeah. I mean, how could either of us have ever predicted? That's fine. You got three points in the first one. Yeah, I did. Ha-ha. Oh, my goodness. That was bazonkers. That was really strange.

That was very strange. That was very strange. How would you fix it? I would take out that whole last half and I would have made it three murderers. And one of the murderers was the king. Oh, because he's tricky. Yeah, super tricky. He's just doing it for like kicks. He doesn't actually care about anything.

He just needs a life outside the palace. He needs hobbies. He needs hobbies. Yeah. I don't know. I would fix it by obviously taking those two separate stories and not putting them together. Making them two different things. Yeah. Right. That was weird. Okay. I was really confused. I thought for sure you turned the page and it

was like the end of a different story. Nope. That was legit the same story. I would also change that there was a princess that the younger prince, not prince, but the younger farmer, I don't know, wowed her with his giant turnip or his great in sack, his knowledge sack or a prince. I don't care. I have my final answer for how I'm going to fix this story, but I'm going to give it after you do the outro. All right. I'm doing the outro. That was a great episode. Thank you so much for listening

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Please, thank you, we love you. And thank you again for listening. What was my fix? Oh, and Snow White and Rose Red were at least 35 in the story. And the dwarf increasingly became more evil each time and actually had like a good, like instead of just being ungrateful was like explicitly evil. And then the bear killed him and then they got married and that's great.

Love it. That is great. Yeah. That's my advice. In the turnip, at the end, the scholar is actually the king's son returning from university and he and the former farmer thank each other, are really cute and they have some fun in the sack, baby. Yeah, he loves them. And then they go back to the king's palace and the evil brother thinks that he's had his

younger brother done away with, but then they ever after him, where the prince has already married the former farmer brother. former farmer brother. And then he threatens to ship his evil brother, you know, off to some penal colony somewhere, but then ends up just putting like making him work in the palace as a servant or whatever. Yeah. And that's how that one ends. Oh, my God. And they all lived happily ever after.