Fairy Tale Fix - 96: Snow White: The Scream You Scrumpt

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

It's Halloween–time for spooky forests, creepy disguises, and taking sweets from strangers. What better fairy tale than the classic Brothers Grimm Snow White & The Seven Dwarves?? In this episode, Kelsey retells the classic SW tale, and Abbie reads the somehow even more chilling politically correct version. Strap in because this episode gets REAL spooky. Seriously...wtf???

So it's almost Halloween. Uh-huh. This comes out on the 29th. Can I tell you, I watched Nightmare on Elm Street for the very first time the other day. Oh, okay. I mean, I've still never seen it. How was it? What did you think?

I liked it. It was pretty spooky, pretty fucked up. I can see why that would have given teenagers in back in the day, super bad nightmares. Right. But had a really weird feel because it was like, it came on 84. So it was definitely very 80s. And every time Freddy Krueger came on the screen, it gave me like, kind of David Bowie from Labyrinth, sexy vibes. And it was purely because of the music. Wait, wait, wait.

So what was the music doing? It was like scary music. Then we show Freddie Krueger and it would just get like this kind of upbeat, like poppy, sexy 80s music. Yeah. Oh. Poppy sexy 80s. Yeah David Bowie and labyrinth and I was like that That's weird. I'm not sure how to feel about that

so, uh That kind of sounds awesome. Actually, I Definitely recommend it If you haven't seen it, I'll have to watch all the other movies because I don't know there's like a bunch of them. I need to watch them before I watch Freddie versus Jason. Right, because then how you have the full context on. Yeah, I need the context. So far, obviously, I love Friday the 13th as like a series. So I right now I'm like team Jason all the way.

Absolutely. I don't think your opinion is going to change. That's my prediction for you. I don't think so either. Freddy Krueger is like a child killer. Yeah. We don't love that. Jason just is out killing everybody. He doesn't discriminate. He doesn't give a fuck. He just loves killing. He just loves killing. He doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. He just loves killing. He's all about it. That's his whole thing. You know? Yeah. That's your thing, man.

He doesn't discriminate. He's not a fucking ageist. Ageist or sexist. Right. Or, yeah, he's just killing everybody. Yeah. All of them. All of them.

I love that. Love that for him anyway. Me too. Go, Jason. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I's just killing everybody. Yeah.

All of them. All of them. I love that for him anyway. Me too. Go Jason. Do you have any Halloween plans? It's still pretty early in the Halloween season. We're actually just sort of entering as we record this, but.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, technically they're not really like Halloween, they're not Halloween plans technically but Alex and Nailah are getting married. Oh my God, congratulations. Oh, thank you. Fucking congrats, Nailah, Alex, amazing. Wait, on Halloween or like? The Saturday before.

Nice. So those are kind of my Halloween plans, areas to, we're going to a cabin in deep Greek. A cabin in the woods. Yeah, we're gonna go to a cabin in the woods. For Halloween? For Halloween. Is it like a Halloween kind of wedding,

like they're gonna have spooky stuff, or is it just? It's gonna be a pretty witchy wedding. They wanna cast like a salt circle and do, circle and they want to do a hand fasting ceremony. What's that? It's where the efficient, which will be me by the way. Yay. Oh my God. I am a licensed reverend through the Universal Life Church.

I can marry anybody I want. Yeah, you can at any time. At any time. Without consent, so watch out. I pronounce you married. At any time. At any time. Without consent, so watch out. I pronounce you married. That's me. So I will take a piece of ribbon

and I will tie their hands together. Oh, okay. During the ceremony while they recite their vows and stuff. So it's gonna be kind of Halloween-y in the sense that it's gonna to be kind of witchy. I love it. I love that so much. Oh, well, congrats.

I'm excited for them. Me too. I'm happy for them. I think they're a very cute couple. Hell yeah. So I'm excited to get them hitched to each other in the woods. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah other in the woods. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's how you do it. Hell yeah. In the forest. And then we'll probably watch some very light meant for children Halloween movies because even more than me, Naila cannot handle scary movies. Not a spooky bitch.

I tried to show her cabin in the woods last year and she couldn't get past the basement scene where they're picking stuff out. She was like, no. I mean, I get it. If you don't like scary movies, I mean, that's a scary movie. It's a scary movie. Absolutely. I remembered it.

If a scary movie is funny enough, I can handle it, you know? And so like to me, I was like, ah, it's not that bad because it's so funny. It's kind of like, it's scary until it's not. Right. It's scary until it starts to be funny. Until it starts to be very funny and that's the point. And so it's very funny.

And then the rewatch value for that movie is like, you can rewatch it and it gets funnier each time because you know it's coming. It's funnier every single time. Yeah, exactly. There's more context. God. That's like one of the movies if I could erase my brain and rewatch again, like 100% Cabin

in the Woods is one of those movies. Absolutely. I don't know, but it's like just the suspense. It's up just the suspense. It's up there. The top contender. Absolutely. Top five.

I also love the Alien franchise. I like a monster movie. We've talked about this before. Yeah. We're monster lovers. We're villain sympathizers. You know this. This is fairy tale fix by the way.

Oh, right. Great segue. I loved that. Yeah. I fucking nailed that shit. I'm Kelsey. You nailed that shit. I'm Abby.

And here we talk about fucked up shit and fairy tales mostly. Today the fucked up shit we're going to talk about is Snow White. And I'm really jazzed to be doing this one. Me too. And we had a hard time. So I wanted to choose a story that was perfect for Halloween. It has disguises, witches, you're taking sweets from a stranger. Oh, hell yeah.

What you should not do. No, except on Halloween. It's okay. Except on Halloween. It's fine. We almost did… Should we say what we almost did or we just almost did? Sure. Yeah. We almost did Cinderella. Yeah, because also disguises, costumes, a party. Yep. Pretending to be someone you're not.

Pumpkins because a pumpkin becomes her carriage. I don't know if that's actually in the, like, I'm curious. I don't know if it's in the original fairy tale. We'll have to read it and find out. I don't know if that's a Disney invention or not. Yeah. Snow White was more like a, I felt like Snow White was just a little spookier than Cinderella. Oh, easily, cause there's also,

there's some creepy woods, you know? Yeah. There's a little more attempted murder. A little more attempted murder, a little spookier, more witchy. Yeah, the vibes are more Halloween. And it's also, if you remember one of the, I feel like it's one of the first fairy tale fixes that we ever had

because we watched Snow White, A Tale of Terror, back in our college days. Mm-hmm. And we had a lot of opinions about that movie. We did. I... Honestly, I don't remember watching it very well. I kind of blocked it out of my memory because- It's horrifying.

It's awful. It's a really upsetting movie. It is hard to watch. I remember watching it with you and Caroline cuddled up in, I think it was Caroline's bed when she lived in paradise. I remember watching this movie and just feeling too, honestly, feeling at the time too young for it. It was rated R or it is rated R. The themes are heavy. I read the synopsis on Wikipedia to refamiliarize myself with what that movie's about. And I was like, hot damn, because like there's rated R and there's rated R.

Yeah. It's traumatic. It's traumatic. Like there's rated R for like gore or like excessive violence or whatever. And then there's rated R for some truly disturbing themes. So I don't know if you want to talk about it right now. I wrote out a bunch of notes, but I also am thinking I just want to get into it and tell you the OG tale before we get into the remakes. And then we'll talk about the adaptations.

Okay, because I am really proud of myself. I did a fuck ton of research. I watched a ton of movies. I listened to a couple, one, I listened to a podcast. I wanted to listen to two and I forgot about the other ones. So. Which podcast did you listen to? I listened to the Damsel Dialogues,

which they aren't making new episodes anymore. RIP Damsel Dialogues. They're so funny. I love them. And they really go into the history. So I'm going to go into like a little bit from, but I'm mostly regurgitating what I heard from the damsel dialogues. Okay. Good to know. So go listen to that episode if you are interested. They're so funny. I love them. I'm really sad that their podcast isn't going and I'm not really sure what they're doing now,

but I hope they're doing amazing things because they are adorable and hilarious and smart, really smart. And they did a lot of work for that podcast. So, and I really wanted to listen to the fairy tellers episode on Snow White. It's like one of their first episodes. And I just kind of forgot to be honest.

Like I was, I really wanted to watch all the movies and I had like, yeah. Yeah, it sounds like you prepared amply and we will. Thank you. Yeah, you did more research than I did. I watched a adaptation. That's okay. And you watched the one that counts

that I really wanted you to. So I'm excited to hear what you thought. Okay. And you watched the one that counts that I really wanted you to. So I'm excited. Okay. By the way, in honor of reading Snow White, my drink of choice tonight is an angry balls. I got an angry orchard cider and I put a shot of fireball in it. So I'm gonna be feeling real toasty. Absolutely. And you inspired me to do exactly the same thing. As soon as you sent me that picture, I ran right out to the liquor store on the corner. Hell, yes. And it's such a good drink.

It's good. Like the ultimate, like it tastes like fall. Fall in a glass. I'm actually pretty sure we drank these while we watched Tale of Terror. That would not surprise me in the slightest. It's basically a poisoned apple in a glass. It's perfect. All right. Tell me Snow White. I'm so fucking excited that we're doing this one. Me too. Okay. I also want to see actually real fast if I can find the German name for it because it's called Little Snow White, also known as Sneewichen.

Sneewichen. Sneewichen. I'm probably totally botching that. Absolutely you are. I wouldn't, I don't know, but I bet you are. How do you pronounce that? I can't tell you how glad I am that already one major change is they changed the title a little bit so it's no longer Little Snow White.

I hate that. Little snow. Yeah, just wait. I hate using diminutives for women on this. Okay. You pronounce it, shnew-vitchen. Snew-vitchen. I like it. Snew-vitchen. She's snew-vitchen.

Once upon a time. Yay! In the middle of winter, when snowflakes were falling like feathers from the sky, a beautiful queen was sitting and sewing at a window with a black ebony frame. And she was sewing and looking out the window with the snow, and she pricked her finger with the needle, and three drops of blood fell in the snow. The red looked so beautiful on the snow that she thought to herself, if only I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as the wood of the window frame.

Wow. This is a much different start than I was expecting. Really? Okay. I must have been much more familiar with the OG tale for this. I think you must have been. That's why you're a good choice to read it because I didn't realize that was the opener. Yeah. Her mom's like, oh, I'm going to name my kid Snow White because. And there was actually some serious inspo because she aesthetically liked how black, white, red looks together. Yep.

All right. Great. I'm excited that you're already learning stuff. Yeah, I really am. That sounds pretty. Go Snow White's mom. Soon thereafter, she gave birth to a little daughter who was as white as snow, as red as blood, and her hair as black as ebony, which I don't know.

Honestly, if you naturally have lips as red as blood, that sounds very scary to me, but I'm going to move past it. Blow right past it. It's fine. And that's why the child was called Little Snow White. Mm. The Queen was the most beautiful woman in the entire land and very proud about her beauty. She also had a mirror and every morning she stepped in front of it and asked, mirror mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? And the mirror would answer, you my queen are the fairest of all. So do you notice already a really different plot point? No. Wait, no. It's just straight up her mom.

Oh, shit. The evil queen is just her mom. It's not her stepmom. So originally- My brain blanked out, I guess, and just like was like, I'm sure she died at some point. Yeah. Nope, in the OG story, it's her biological mother. Damn.

And it's thought that they later changed it to her stepmom to be less traumatizing. Right. Because at least it's not your mother that is trying to kill you because you're prettier than her. Isn't that interesting? That is interesting. Oh, and that's so, well, that makes the, I don't know, that makes the intro more fucked up too, because it's like, you know, she was daydreaming about this child. Yeah, you wanted her.

You wanted her and you wanted her to look like this. Like you manifested that witchy woman. Yes, because you're a fucking witch. All right. Wow. Oh my goodness. Because you're a fucking witch. All right. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Well, this is already blowing my mind. And we're like two paragraphs in. I love that.

I love that so much. That's always the most fun. OK. Yeah. And then she knew for certain that there was nobody more beautiful in the entire world. However, Little Snow White grew up. And when she was seven years old,

she was so beautiful that her beauty surpassed even of that of the queen. And when the queen asked her mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? The mirror answered, you, my queen may have beauty quite rare, but Little Snow White is a thousand times more fair. She's seven. She's seven. She's seven at this point in the story. To be fair, the queen's probably like 14 or 15.

I'm just kidding. She probably was when she was daydreaming about having little snow here. Right. Wow. That's two very different kinds of beauty. You should not compare. Yeah, seven. Also, you shouldn't be talking about how pretty kids are.

No. No, you shouldn't. That's weird. That's just weird. Yep. Super weird. Super weird. I don't know who's weirder, the queen or the mirror. It depends on how much the mirror is a reflection of her. Yeah, for real. That's a huge

theme in Snow White Tale of Terror, by the way. I'm not sure if you remember, but... I remember that. I read the synopsis. I like to think that it was just a translation error and she's 17. Okay. So in my brain going forward, she's 17, but yeah, for the whole story, she's still like seven. Really? That scream. The scream you scrammed.

I'm sorry. It's just bad. The scream you scrammed. I'm sorry. It's just now I'm thinking about how the movie ends with like, get it, like she gets kissed by an adult man and I just now I'm just, I can't, I really hope that's not exactly how it goes. Okay. I'm so how it goes. Okay. I'm so excited for you. Okay.

When the queen heard the mirror speak this way, she became pale with envy. From that hour onward, she hated Snow White. She was jealous of a seven-year-old. I know. God damn it. Chill out, lady. And not just a seven-year-old, but also like your daughter. Mm-hmm.

Fucking weird. I mean, that happens though. I know. And it's fucking weird. It's fucking weird. I mean, I always say like, I don't have kids. Maybe I shouldn't judge. But like, I think that's fucking weird.

I think that's weird. I don't know. I feel very comfortable judging that. OK. And she hated her. And when she looked at her and thought that Little Snow White was to blame that she, the queen, was no longer the most beautiful woman in the world,

her heart turned against Little Snow White. She's not a woman. She's a little girl. Her jealousy kept upsetting her, and so she summoned the huntsman and said, take the child out into the forest to a spot far from here. Then stab her to death and bring back her lungs and liver as proof of your deed. After that, I'll cook them with salt and eat them. Oh my God. Oh, I didn't remember that either.

I know. I thought she's going to eat. What happened? It gets right into it. What happened here? I'm not even. This is still the second page. You know what this is giving as well. I just was reminded because I just relistened to our bonus episode for September. Patrons, go. If you

want to hear a story that really fucked me up. Sorry. Kelsey read the story called like the- The Flight of the Birds. Flight of the Birds or something like that. It had this great line in it about how something about small things are what small things take root in a jealous mind or whatever. They say that tiny things are fuel to the fire of a jealous heart. Yeah. I think that's the line.

That's exactly, that's the line and that's exactly how the beginning of Snow White is making me feel. Yep. Horrible. Horrible. And that she is being driven to do something horrifically violent because of just a stupid story that she told herself. Yeah, pretty much.

About what beauty means and why it's so fucking important for her to be the most beautiful quote unquote woman in the land. I wonder if that's part of why she's seven is to like kind of emphasize the like unhingedness of this queen. Yes, yes. Of like no, oh my goodness. Yeah, wow. Because like she's not, she is seven. She can't possibly be competition. My niece is seven. Like, the fuck? Nice is seven. Yeah. The fuck? She's seven.

That's a little girl. Yes. Soup's weird. The story. Let's go. Do continue. This is horrible. It's giving me hives.

Spooky Halloween. I hate it. I hate it so much. The huntsman took Little Snow White and led her out into the forest, but when he drew his hunting knife and was about to stab her, she began to weep and pleaded so much to let her live and promise never to return, but to run deeper into the forest. The huntsman was moved to pity because she was so beautiful. Which is fucking weird again. That's fucking gross.

She's seven. You should be moved to pity because she's a little girl. Maybe it's beautiful like her heart. No. That's not what it means. Okay. Anyway, he thought, sorry, that's what it says in the book. That's what it says? Anyway, he thought the wild beast in the forest would soon devour her. I'm glad I won't have to kill her. Just then a young boar came dashing by and the husband stabbed it to death.

He took out the lungs and liver and brought them to the queen as proof that the child was dead. Then she boiled them in the salt, ate them, and thought that she had eaten Little Snow White's lungs and liver. Mmm. Meanwhile, Little Snow White was so all alone in the huge forest that she became afraid and began to run and run over sharp stones and through thorn bushes. And this scene in the Disney movie gave me fucking nightmares as a kid.

It's scary. It was scary. I always made my, I made my parents fast forward through it every time. All the trees like turning into hands and grabbing her and like. Yeah. Yup. That shit fucking scary. Terrifying. Halloween, y'all.

She ran the entire day. Finally, as the sun was about to set, she came upon a little cottage that belonged to seven dwarfs. Enter some of my favorite fairy tale characters of all time. I love the dwarfs. I love them so much in almost every adaptation to Accept a Tale of Terror. We'll get into that later. We will get into that.

However, they were not at home, but had gone to the mines. Yeah, she found everything tiny, but dainty and neat. There was a little table with a white tablecloth and on it were seven little plates with seven tiny spoons, seven tiny knives and tiny forks and seven tiny cups. In a row against the wall stood seven little beds recently covered with sheets. Since she was so hungry and thirsty, little Snow White ate some vegetables and

some bread from each of the little plates and had a drop of wine to drink out of each of the tiny cups. Because she doesn't want to like drink somebody like all their wine. Right. No. She's going to take like one bite from each plate. She's being very strategic. Very strategic. And then she still ends up with a full meal.

We love this for her. And since she was so tired, she wanted to lay down and sleep. So she began trying out the beds, but none of them suited her until she found the seventh one was just right. All right, Goldilocks. So she lay down in it and fell asleep. When it turned night, the seven dwarfs returned home

from their work and lit their seven little candles. Then they saw that someone had been in their house. And the first dwarf said, Who's been sitting in my chair? Who's eaten off my plate? Who's eaten some of my bread? Who's eaten some of my vegetables? Who's been using my little fork? She wasn't as careful as she thought then. No. Who's been cutting with my little knife and who's had something to drink for my little cup,

said the seventh. When the first dwarf looked around and said, who's been sleeping in my bed? The second, which I don't know, it was really creepy. That sounds very, that sounds very terrifying to be honest. I don't like that. Yeah. Then the second cried out, someone's been sleeping in my bed.

And he was followed by each one of them until the seventh dwarf looked at his bed and saw a little snow white lying there asleep. The others came running over to him and they were so astounded that they screamed and fetched their seven little candles to observe little Snow White. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord, they exclaimed. How beautiful she is. Oh my God.

They took great and delight in her, but didn't wake her up. Instead, they let her sleep in the bed while the seventh dwarf spent an hour in each one of his companions' beds until the night had passed. Oh, okay. All right. You know, great. I guess that's fair. I don't know.

You can't just pick one of your buddies to just sleep the whole night? No. No, they were not all about it. No homo. Sadly. Yeah. One homo. Sadly. Yeah. When Little Snow White awoke, they asked her who she was and how she had managed to come to their cottage. She told them how her mother had wanted to have her killed and how the huntsman had spared her life and how she'd run all day and she had eventually arrived at their cottage. Then the dwarfs took pity on her and said, if you'll keep house for us, cook, sew,

make the beds, wash, knit, and if you'll keep everything neat and orderly, you can stay with us and we'll provide you with everything you need. When we come home in the evening, dinner must be ready. During the day we're in the mines and dig for gold. You'll be alone, so you'll have to watch out for the queen and not let anyone enter the cottage. So I think that's like fair to be like, you know, you can stay with us, be gonna do some chores.

Yeah. And I mean, I feel like the dwarves in this story, in all the different adaptations, there's so much to talk about. But in like, in general, I just I like the wholesomeness of it. I like how sweet it is that they just immediately like care about her and don't want the queen to come and get her, you know? Right. They're like, okay, they immediately like,

she is one of theirs now, she is one of them. Yeah, they kind of take her in as their own child and it's not creepy or, like, you know? Yes, yeah, absolutely, at least in the most adaptations. Not all of them. We'll get to that. So anyway, in the meantime, the queen believed

that she was once again the most beautiful woman in the land and stepped before her mirror and asked, Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? And the mirror answered, you my queen may have beauty quite rare, but beyond the seven mountains, this I must tell, little Snow White is living quite well.

Indeed, she's still a thousand times more fair. Ooh, I love the little poems. Is not only like messy, but fucking narc. Yeah, absolutely. Shut the fuck up. God, why did you tell her? Stupid magic, Miriam. Just be cool.

To say, you're the prettiest. And not even telling her that she's alive, but where she is. Yeah, specifically. Like, yeah. Yep. You could have stood to be a little more vague, Miran. Little vagueness. When the queen heard this, she was horrified, for she saw that she had been deceived

and that the huntsmen had not killed Little Snow White. Since nobody but the seven dwarves lived in the Seven Mountains region, the queen knew immediately what Little Snow White was., the Queen knew immediately what little Snow White was. Oh, you immediately that little Snow White was dwelling with them and had began the Queen plotting ways to kill her. The Queen knows about like where the dwarves are or knows about the dwarves period in this version.

That's interesting. Yeah. Away from everyone else because everybody sucks. Yeah, absolutely. And also, I don't know, I kind of love that the Queen actually knows her subjects. She's actually looked at the, can't think of the word, population. The roster, the math. She's looked at the census. The census. There you go. Nailed it.

Nailed it. And memorized it. I mean it. And memorized it. Mm-hmm. I mean, I don't know. Maybe that just stands out that there's seven dwarfs living over there. I don't know. Possibly. Possibly.

Maybe everybody likes them and they're super popular and they're like... Oh, I like that. As long as the mirror refused to say that she was the most beautiful woman in the land, she would remain upset, which I also underlined that and wrote, what the fuck? What the fuck? Like, chill out.

Also, that's your daughter, God. Yeah, she's probably a carbon copy of you. Yeah, don't you want carbon copy of you. Yeah. Don't you want your kids to do better than you did? Like, what's wrong with you? No, she does not. No, I guess not. Since she couldn't be absolutely certain and didn't trust anyone, she disguised herself

as an old peddler woman, painted her face so that nobody would recognize her, and went to the cottage of the seven dwarfs, where she knocked on the door and cried out, open up, open up. I'm the old peddler woman. I've got pretty wares for sale. I'm the old peddler woman. I'm fucking the old peddler woman, bitch. And little Snow White looked out of the window. What do you have for sale? Stay laces, dear child, which is our corsets. Okay.

So like old-timey bra. Old-timey bras, yeah. For the seven-year-old. Bra? Yeah, I'm confused. Stay laces, dear child, the old woman replied and took out a lace woven from yellow, red and blue silk. Do you want it?

Well yes, said little Snow White and thought. Also hold on, if Snow White is only seven and like the dwarves are expecting her to have dinner on the table every night, I cannot imagine my niece having anything for dinner or a meal. I don't know. Even old timey seven-year-olds, really? I don't know. I'm imagining now that Snow White is a very Matilda-esque child. Oh, I gotcha. Extremely self-sufficient. She can move things with her mind.

I love that. That's also a fix. The queen didn't hate her up until recently. That's true. She's had servants up until now. I just don't think seven years old Makes any sense for any of this. You know what? No, you know what? Her being seven does make more sense. I have some thoughts on this. I'm going to get to it after I go through the three baddies.

All right? Okay. All right. get to it after I go through the three baddies, all right? Okay. Okay. All right. I'm just saying a seven year old, if someone's dangling something cool outside, they're like, let me in. You're right.

Like you're- Okay. In that case, I'm like, okay, sure. She's seven. I just interrupted myself. All right. Okay. So, well, yes, said Little Snow White and thought, I

can certainly let this good old woman inside. She's honest enough, which I get, like an old lady selling stuff. Hell yeah. Get in here, girl. Get the fuck in here. Yeah. Get in here. You don't look like my mom. Yeah. I'm not currently aware that my mom is a fucking witch. So Little Snow White unbolted the door and bought the lace. My goodness, you're so sloppily laced up, said the old woman. Come, I'll lace you up properly for once because you're seven. Little Snow White stood in front of the old woman who took the lace and tied it around Little Snow White so tightly that she lost her breath and fell down as if dead. Then the queen was satisfied and left. Not long after nightfall, the dwarfs

came home and when they saw their dear Snow White lying on the ground, they were horrified for she seemed to be dead. They lifted her up and when they saw that she was laced too tightly, they cut the lace in two. Clearly, you've never been to Singapore. At once, she began to breathe a little and after a while, she had fully revived. That's good. That's good. Love a pirate's reference. That was nobody else but the queen, they said. She wanted to take your life. Be careful and don't let anyone enter the cottage." Now the queen asked her mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? And the mirror answered, you, my queen, may have beauty quite rare, but little Snow White's alive, this I must tell. She's with the dwarves and doing quite well. Indeed, she's still a thousand times more fair. So sassy. Sassy mirror. Yeah, again, and also again, too specific. The mirror is the drama. The Queen was so horrified that all of the blood rushed to her heart when she realized that Little Snow White was alive once again. So she began thinking day and night how she could put an end to Little Snow White was alive once again. So she began thinking day and night how she could put an end to Little Snow White.

Finally, she made my favorite baddie, number two, a poisoned comb. I love the poison comb. I like the three things they have here, it's very fun. Finally, she made a poison comb, disguised herself in a completely different shape it doesn't say which but I'm gonna assume just a different old lady and went off to the Dwarf's cottage once again. When she knocked on the door, however, Little Snow White called out,

I'm not allowed to let anyone enter. Seven. She finally learned her lesson. Snow White called out, I'm not allowed to let anyone enter. Seven. She finally learned her lesson. She listened to her daddy's. They are the true heroes of the story. 100%. The Queen then took out the comb and when little Snow White saw it shine and that the woman was someone entirely different from the one she previously

met. She opened the door and bought the comb. Kiddo. With what money are the dwarves leaving gold lying around the house? Yeah, for real. Maybe, I don't know, she was a princess. Maybe she's just like taking off a ring, one of the many rings or whatever she has and is like, here.

Also, the woman really wants to give it to her. So she's probably like, you can just have it for that stick on the ground. Next to you is, uh-huh. And also I wrote, this is the eight-year-old that drove to Target. I don't know if you saw that news story, but there was the eight-year-old that drove to Target. I don't know if you saw that news story, but there was an eight-year-old girl who stole her mom's car and drove to Target to shop. I had not heard that, that's so funny. And kind of horrifying,

because there's video footage of her driving and she's not good at it, because she's eight. Because she's eight. Could she even see over the dashboard? But I love the idea that she's eight. Because she's eight. Could she even see over the dashboard? But I love the idea that she's just like, ooh, shiny comb, and just automatically is like, I need that. Shiny comb. She grabs a fistful of gold and she...

Oh, boy. Amazing. Come, the peddler woman said, I'll comb your hair. But no sooner did the old woman stick the comb in Little Snow White's hair than the maiden fell down and was dead. Now you'll remain lying there, the queen said, and her heart had become lighter as she returned home. Oh, good. I'm glad her heart is lighter. She's feeling much better now. She feels good about it. I'm still the prettiest.

She feels good about it. I'm still the prettiest. I'm still the prettiest. Thank God I was able to kill my daughter so that I can stay so pretty. However, the dwarfs came just in the nick of time. When they saw what had happened, they pulled the poison comb out of Little Snow White's hair, and she opened her eyes and was alive again. She promised the dwarfs that she would certainly not anyone inside again. All right, here's where I'm gonna say,

when I read this story for the first time, like, and found out that it was just more than the apple, I was like, wow, Snow White is a dumb bitch. Like, they say not to let anybody in and she gets fooled three fucking times. But the Snow White version from the 10th kingdom and her monologue about how, did I know there was a risk? Did I know there was a chance that she could be evil?" And she's like, I did, but I couldn't live my life in terror anymore. Yes, queen. Hold on, I want to see if I should have looked at that monologue because it's so good.

I remember it being so good and I do love that they give Snow White a little agency over her own decisions. Okay. Here's the line. I love it so much. Catherine Wesley plays Snow White in the 10th Kingdom and she's fucking amazing. She says, I often think, why did I let her in? Didn't I know she was bad?

I did. Of course I did. But I also knew that I couldn't keep the door shut all my life just because it was dangerous, just because there was a chance of getting hurt. So good. I love that. Honestly, like truly worth standing by. If you haven't watched The Tenth Kingdom, I know it's super dated and really cheesy, but there are so many parts that are just so good. That was the first time I ever fell

in love with Snow White because this whole time I was just like, damn, she's dumb. I love that they give that on the surface very dumb choice, some context and some reasoning and some philosophy that I really like a lot. There are a lot of parts of the 10th Kingdom that are just so relevant. So good. I feel like it changes the story completely for me. So anyway. I mean, but the thing is, yeah, I mean, also knowing, knowing that in the story, this is supposed to be a literal child. That really, that really like, that really changes things

for me too. It's like, okay, yeah, you let her in three times because you're a child and you're stupid. No, she says in the 10th kingdom. You're drunk all the time. Your brain is just, your brain is so dumb. I saw it, there's a comedian I follow who was complaining about her child. It's like having a drunk friend that will never sober up. Such a good analogy for a little kid and the way they act and the choices that they make. Also real quick, I just said Catherine Wesley was the actress that portrayed Snow White in the 10th Kingdom. That's the writer of the 10th Kingdom, who is also amazing. The actress is Cameron Mannheim.

OK, all right. Did a great job as Snow White. I love her. She was perfect. Yeah, and we've talked about it before, but having a mid-size Snow White was also really cool. The fairest in the land, and she, you know, has my body shape. It was- Yeah, absolutely.

Now the queen stepped in front of her mirror once more and asked, mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? The mirror answered, you my queen may have beauty quite rare, but little Snow White's alive, this I must tell. She's with the dwarves and doing quite well. Indeed, she's still a thousand times more fair." When the Queen heard this once again, she trembled and shook with rage. Oh my god.

Little Snow White shall die, she exclaimed. Shall die. Even if it cost me my own life. And I wrote, what the fuck? Get a hobby. Yeah, that part. Get a hobby. Get a hobby.

Oh my God. Okay. Then she went into a secret chamber where no one was allowed to enter, which I love. Once inside, she made a deadly poisonous apple. On the outside it looked beautiful with red cheeks. Anyone who saw it would be enticed to take a bite. Hmm. Thereafter she disguised herself as a peasant woman, went into the dwarfs cottage and knocked on the door. Little Snow White looked and said, I'm not allowed to let anyone in. The Seven Dwarfs have strictly

forbid me. Good kid, blame it on your parents. Yeah. Blame it on your daddies. Blame it on your daddies. Well, if you don't want to let me in, I can't force you, answered the peasant woman. She's a little sly. I got to give her that voice. Yeah. I'll surely get rid of my apples in time, but let me give you one to test. No, said little Snow White. I'm not allowed to take anything. The dwarfs won't let me. You're probably afraid, said the old woman. Ah, there it says old woman. Nailed it. Nailed it. So you know, you were right. Look, I'll cut the apple in two. You eat the beautiful red half. Wait, what's the other half? I know, right? I don't know, yellow. Like apples are like

different colors, you know? Fine. This also really reminded me of the politically correct version. I can't wait to get to that one again. Me too. Okay good. Yeah. However, the apple had been made with such cunning that only the red part was poisoned, which is super convenient. And excellent, yes. When Little Snow White saw the peasant woman eating her half, and when her desire to taste the apple grew stronger, she finally let the peasant woman give her the other half through the window. As soon as she took a bite of apple, she fell down to the ground and was dead. The queen rejoiced, went home, and asked the mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all? And the mirror answered, you, my queen, are now fairest of all. Fuck. I know. Finally, she did it. She gets what she wants. I wrote, because also an apple back in the day is probably so decadent. What dessert would you risk your life for?

That's a treat. Ooh, what would you do for a Klondike bar? For real though. I might risk my life for some really good peanut brittle. Peanut brittle? That's so funny. I love peanut brittle. But specifically the seas candy version where it's super buttery and covered in chocolate. It's delicious. I'm going to have to go get some peanut brittle from Seas Candy soon.

Specifically from Seas. Yeah. We have one in my town and I can't believe they're still in business to be honest with you. Well, according to Caroline, all of their treats are gluten free. Oh, hell yeah. I love that. Yeah. So there's like, I don't know, Seas is great.

Just because it's a franchise does not mean that the chocolate isn't good. It's great. Well, I'm going to go there and get some peanut brittle because that sounds fucking awesome. Go see. Yeah, it's really good. I love it. Now I can rest in peace, said the queen. Once again, I'm the most beautiful in the land and Snow White will remain dead this time. I hate my child.

It's fucking for real. It's a good thing my seven-year-old is dead. Jesus. It's so fucked up. When the dwarfs came home from the mines that evening, they found little Snow White lying on the ground and she was dead. They enlaced her and tried to find something poisonous in her hair, but nothing helped. They could not revive her. Oh, I know it's so sad. They must be so sad because she's their baby now.

So they laid her on a beer. It's B-I-E-R. That's how you say it, right? Beer? Yep. Yeah. I know that because of the line in the Agony reprise and Into the Woods. Ah, yes. Some lie there for years and you cry on their beers, what unbearable bliss. Nice. Okay.

And all seven of them sat down beside it and wept and wept for three whole days. Then they intended to bury her, but she looked more alive than dead, and she still had such pretty red cheeks. So instead they made a glass coffin and placed her inside so she could be easily seen. So basically she's like not decaying. So basically she's like not decaying. Cause it's magic. All right, okay. That's, you know, that's a good, that's a good point. I'm going to take that as the spin on this and not,

we sure do like looking at this dead girl. Jesus, okay. They're not being weird. They're like, holy shit. They love her because she's their baby. Yeah. Jesus, okay. They're not being weird. They're like, holy shit. They're not being weird. They love her because she's their baby. Yeah. Then they wrote her name on the coffin in gold letters and added the family name.

One of the dwarfs remained at home every day to keep watch over her. Oh, like they added their family name? It just says the family name, but yeah, I'm taking it as theirs. Oh, that makes me so sad. It's very sweet. So little Snow White lay in the coffin for a long, long time, but did not rot. Oh yeah, there he goes. Okay. That's such a graphic line. I don't know why, but she didn't rot. Great. Okay. That's great. She was still white as snow and red as blood.

And if her eyes could have opened, they would have been black as ebony, for she lay there as if she were sleeping. Okay. Now, here's your favorite part. It happened that a prince came to the dwarf's cottage one day and wanted to spend the night there. to spend the night there. When he, ew, why would a man be here? Ew. Barf. When he entered the room and saw Little Snow White lying in the coffin and the seven little candles casting their light right on her, he couldn't get enough of her beauty. Then he read the golden inscription and saw that she was a princess. So he asked the dwarfs to sell him the coffin with the dead little snow white inside.

Oh no. But they wouldn't accept all the gold in the world for it. Damn straight, they wouldn't because they're like, why do you want? Yeah, what the fuck? No. What the fuck? No, that's gross and weird. Then he pleaded with them to give little Snow White to him as a gift because he couldn't live without gazing upon her. Just wait, dude. It gets worse. It gets worse and better. It gets, it gets great. Don't worry, you're going to love it.

So he asked for her as a gift because he couldn't live without gazing upon her and he would honor her and hold her in high regard as his most beloved in the world. Well, the dwarves, for some fucking reason, took pity on him and gave him the coffin. And the prince had it carried to his castle. It was... Your face. Abbey's grabbing her face. Sorry, audio medium, but like, ugh. It was then placed in his room where he himself sat the entire day and couldn't take his eyes off her. And when he, Gabby, this is my favorite part.

This is my favorite part. I don't want to hear it. And when he had to leave the room and couldn't see little Snow White, he became sad. And he couldn't eat a thing unless he was standing near the coffin. However, the servants who, who had to carry the coffin from place to place in the castle all the time, became angry about this. Sure, me too. Oh, wait, this is the best part. And once, and at one time, a servant opened the coffin, lifted Little Snow White into the

air and said, why must we be plagued with so much work? I'm imagining he's like shaking her all because of a dead maiden. A dead child, a dead kid, she's seven. On saying this, he shoved little Snow White's back with his hand and out popped a nasty piece of apple that had been stuck in her throat. And she was once again alive. Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. That's the picture I sent you of my what? The servant was so annoyed at this job that he shook her and he fucking woke her up. Dislodge the apple. Oh my goodness. No kiss.

No magic spell broken. Just a fucking poor peasant working man fucking fed up with his head. Who was sick of plugging this dead kid around all day. From place to place. So that his weird boss could stare at it while he ate. Fuck yes. Spoiler alert for the frog princess, but this is giving she threw the frog against the wall

and he turns into a prince. It's so good. It's so much better than I ever could have imagined. God damn it. Okay. As soon as this happened, she went to the prince and when he saw his dear little Snow White alive, he rejoiced so much that he didn't even know what to do. Then they sat down at the dinner table and

ate with delight. It was so wholesome. The wedding was planned for the next day and Snow White's godless mother was also invited to attend. When she stepped before the mirror, she said, oh wait, I have in my notes here in other versions the servant just accidentally dropped her and she fell out of her coffin and was like woke up and she's like, where the fuck am I? That's hilarious. That's also very funny. So like in no OG versions, does she wake up from a kiss? That's great.

I like how that was Disney's attempt to fix this story. This would have been so much better. I love it so much that it's just an angry servant. Anyway, okay. So when the mother stood before the mirror, she said, Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is the fairest of all? And the mirror replied, you my queen may have beauty quite rare, but little Snow White is a thousand times

more fair. Is she still seven? When she heard this, she was horrified and became so afraid, so very afraid that she didn't know what to do. However, her jealousy drove her so much that she wanted to be seen at the wedding. I bet she wore a wedding dress. I bet she did. She seems like that kind of bitch. When she arrived, she saw that little Snow White was the bride. Iron slippers were then heated over a fire. The queen had to put them on and dance in them,

and her feet were miserably burned. But she had to keep dancing in them until she danced herself to death. The end. Yeah. I knew that part. I love it so fast. There's not even a Snow White lived happily ever after. It's just like, and now she's dead. Well because how could she? Because she's seven and she just got married to this guy. Wow. Oh my goodness. Isn't that so good? My gas just flabbered. I don't know. I knew all of that except for the part where an angry surface shakes her alive again.

It's so fucking good. I love it. I love it. It's not as good as Sleeping Beauty in the whole second half. We haven't heard, but it's still just, love it. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That was, that was amazing.

I'm honestly, I'm so surprised by how little I knew about the original story. And I just keep thinking that I was right. I was right with my one bonus prediction was this is so much more fucked up than I thought. And that the cartoon that I watched as a kid as fucked up as that was, that was them cleaning it up. I know. God, it's so good.

Cause at least in the cartoon, Snow White is like 17 or 18 or whatever. I know, she's seven. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's crazy. I love it. I think that's funny as fuck.

I mean, it's yeah, it's cool though. Like carrying a dead body from place to place. Isn't that great? I love that. I love that ending. No kiss. Like. No kiss, great? I love that. I love that ending. No kiss. No kiss. Yep. That's good, I guess. I don't know. I don't mind the kiss as much, especially in the Disney version because they already are giving each other googly eyes.

I love how much that movie, I don't know, colloquially, we all mock that movie. Like, because we all like, I don't know, colloquially, we all kind of mock that movie. And we always talk about how like, sort of fucked up that movie is or whatever. But it's, it's not such a nice version of this story, because they've like, they're both, they're both the same age. It's an age appropriate romance, They've already met and thought the other person was Foxy. Mm-hmm. And his is more like not even kissing her in a gross way. It's more like he's kissing her goodbye. Right. It's a very light, respectful peck.

As weird as it is, if you think about it, it's the nice version. It's the nicest possible version of this story. That's so funny. It's a cute movie. I rewatched it because I hadn't seen it in ages. The mirror is messy. I love it. Obviously, I don't want any more adaptations of Snow White. We have enough. We're done. We did it. But I was imagining the mirrors, Billy Eichner. The Craig from First Reck.

Oh my God. I think that's how you say his name. Eichner. Sure. Anyway, Billy on the Street. Billy on the Street, yeah. the Street, yeah. Crazy Craig. And just being like, and not even really saying like she's the fairest of them all, just like just fucking with her, you know?

So oh my God. I have so many thoughts and feelings. My fix for the original story. Lay on me. The dwarves need names because they are the heroes and they need to like go with the princess and be rich and famous or whatever. Yes.

Yes. They should get their dues. They should have been invited to the wedding and like given night hoods or whatever. Yes. Yes. They should get their dues. They should have been invited to the wedding and given night hoods or whatever. Yes. Make them rich. Build them a palace in the woods. Yeah.

They're the best. They should have taught her, they should have taken her along with them to the mines and taught her their trade. And then she wouldn't have been home alone. Can I, I don't know what order we want to talk about stuff, but I have a lot of fun facts about the dwarves because they're my favorite. Let's finish talking fixes for the original. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Definitely they should get names.

Names to the dwarves. Love it. And that she's 17? I mean, that's a big fix. I think she should be 17. Or 32. Honestly, honestly, this is my fix. I didn't come up with this fix until I watched the Disney version, but my fix is Genuinely that when the Queen turns herself into an old woman That she finds it's so freeing Not being under this like societal pressure to be beautiful That she just decides to stay an old peasant witch and stays in the woods and becomes the

old woman in the woods from that other fairy tale. I love that. Okay, because this is what we mean when we say villain sympathizer. I imagine a better world and a better future for everyone involved. Like I was watching, I watched, you know, so many versions of Snow White and I was like, damn, I love the idea of her just like becoming an old woman and being like, I love how this feels.

I'm invisible, nobody gives, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Especially because in the Disney version, as soon as she becomes the old lady, she's funny. Her personality comes out. She's making jokes. There's a dead guy in her basement.

She's like, thirsty, have a drink. She kicks some water over toward it. She's actually having fun with it. Yeah. We love that to her. Because before, she doesn't have any personality. We love fun with it. Yeah. Yeah. We love that to her. Because before she doesn't have any personality. We love this for her. Yeah.

So I was like, that's my fix. And I don't even care what happens to Snow White. She lives happily ever after with the dwarves in my version. She's just off doing her thing. That's a great fix. Yeah. The Queen's like, fuck yeah, I love this. Now I can be myself and not have to please anyone.

And my kid is whatever elsewhere. And that child gets raised by parents who actually love her. Yeah, exactly, her daddy's. Her dad's, yeah, I love it. That's great, that's a perfect mix. No notes, I don't have any additional notes for the original story. Yes, I feel like that's the version I wanna see.

Absolutely, I think that's the best possible version. No. Yeah. I mean, it's still fucked up. It's still like her daughter that she abandons and tries to murder. I'm not saying she's like good all of a sudden. She's not a good person, but whatever. She just becomes like an actual witch and goes and lives by herself in the woods. Yeah, and hangs out with the animals and doesn't have to do with people.

Yeah. You get it. I get it. Like she just is removed from society in the best possible way. Maybe, and maybe, oh, here's like another twist. What if she's more like Baba Yaga and she feels, she like has a lot of regrets.

So that's why she helps wayward lost maidens. And becomes- Ooh, maybe I like that too. Baba Yaga where she helps them sometimes. Okay. People are complicated. People are complicated. I mean, also I kind of like the idea that she stays evil.

It's just she's a more self, she's just a more self-actualized evil. Like, she's still a villain. It's just that now she's like a villain with self-esteem. Yes. You get it. This is why we are such good friends. You just get it. Just on the same page. All right. All right. Quick fun Disney facts that I learned from the damsel dialogues. Disney did ask a bunch of people to watch horror movies to base this, like to inspire this movie.

So that's why it's so scary. No one is credited, especially not the voice of Snow White who Disney blacklisted. So she basically didn't have any jobs after this and she wasn't even invited to the premiere. Why? What did she do? Because he fucking sucks,

because he just wanted her to be known as Snow White and like be being unknown. God, the more I find out about Walt Disney, the more I learned that he was an absolute crazy fuckhead. Yeah. I mean, he was like racist and he's not a- Loki hated women. Yeah.

Yeah. And he fucking sucked. Yeah, and I guess everybody. Wow. Wow. So the dwarfs first originally had names in a play and they were fucked up just like in the Disney version. They were Blick, Flick, Snick, Plick, Wick and Quee. Quee was 99 years old and was the youngest. Oh, and that was in the 1912 Broadway play. So, obviously, the names that Disney gave them were super problematic. But the reason he did that was he wanted people to connect with at least one dwarf. So he named them based on their

personalities. And here's them based on their personalities. And here's my favorite thing I learned. There were like 50 different names that they had in mind. Would you like to hear some of the names that were not picked? Oh, please tell me. Okay. Please. Okay.

I love this. This is hilarious. And you can look this up. It's on like Disney Wiki. Snappy, scrappy. Snoopy, which Charles Schultz was really stoked that they didn't use. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gloomy. Gatsby.

I'd be Gatsby. I love Gatsby. That's funny as fuck. Flabby, crabby, lazy, dumpy, deafy, which is fucked. Oh, wow. Oh, boy. Woeful, wistful, soulful, awful, tearful, tubby, weeby, wheezy, sniffy, puffy, strutty. I love strutty, 100%. Strutty. Strutty should have been in there.

Slut. Shifty. Slutty. I wish. Slushy. Strutty was slutty. Shifty, thrifty, hotsy, hungry, hoppy, jaunty, chesty, Burpee, and Biggo Ego are just a few.

I didn't name all of them, but holy shit, I love those. Those are great. With a couple, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. F**ked up. Deafy. Jesus Christ. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. Fucked up. Duffy. Jesus Christ.

There's like a little picture of Duffy. Here, I'm going to send it to you. It's actually kind of cute. It's mostly be like an old man. It's not supposed to be like ableist. Like right. It's still funny. But he can't fucking hear anything.

Not a gourd, a board. So good. Wow. Oh my goodness. Okay. So yeah, what dwarf do you identify with, Abby? Out of the original seven? Yes.

Let's start with the original seven. Okay. Because I think out of the discarded names, hungry and what was the other one? Whatever. Sleepy. Sleepy. Sleepy. I have in my notes, sleepy is such a mood. Yeah.

Definitely sleepy. I was like, is sleepy really just smoky? Because to me, he seems like he's fucking high all the time. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think sleepy is just high all the time. I'm not a weed person, but I'm just naturally a sleepy person. You're actually sleepy. I'm just naturally a sleepy person. You're actually sleepy. I'm actually sleepy.

I don't know. For you, I might have picked happy. What about you? Oh, thank you. One of my coworkers, one of the guys on the maintenance team at the markets asked me the other day if he could call me Smiley. Oh, what'd you say? I said, sure.

You got a work nickname. I did. I got a work nickname and it is a very Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs style name. I guess Smiley is my- Smiley. Cute. I like that. I know. It is very cute. I felt very flattered. As long as he means it in a nice way. I think he means it in a nice way, but also some of the guys at the markets make fun of me a little bit because I'm just… I have a happy disposition. What can I say? Also, when you're in marketing and doing social media, you kind of have to be. Exactly. I'm trying to bring up the mood so that other people telegraph well.

I'm trying to bring up the mood so that other people telegraph well on- This is my job. Yeah. My job is to be peppy so that people are excited about this place. Yeah, for sure. You're the hype girl. Don't make fun of me, Dante. Also, I'm not convinced he actually knows what my name is. He's just like, I just can't remember. He's like, I just think of you as smiley. So, oh, you know, there's probably a lot of people to remember that. Yeah, that's fine. I don't remember anybody. I don't remember anybody's name unless I see them every day. I thought I related after rewatching it. I was like, I feel bashful because of a couple main reasons.

Bashful. Okay, tell me why. Mostly because the first thing he sees is he was looking at his cup because it's clean. He goes, sugar's gone. He's all sad. And I get that. And then he grabs those flowers and he goes, they're golden rods. He knows what kind of flowers they are and gets a little stuffed about it.

That's so cute. Oh, I forgot about Bashful. Bashful is very charming. That movie was very cute. Damn it. Yeah. Very adorable. It was pretty.

And all the cute little animals and even, I don't know, it was very cute. Yeah. I feel like that movie, the original animated film, because the evil queen is so iconic. But I think it's the only Snow White adaptation that doesn't need to rely on the evil queen being iconic to be a good film. Yeah. Because I feel like almost every other Snow White adaptation, like, because especially live action ones, the story itself is not good enough to, like, really

hold people's attention. Yeah. So the Evil Queen has to be a lot, or for whatever reason, is just the best part of every single one. I feel like in a lot of the adaptations I watched, Snow White doesn't have a lot of personality other than she's nice. No, yeah.

I mean, she's a cipher. She's not a real person. She's never a real character. She's never a real character. Except for in Mirror Mirror. Sort of. She had so much personality. Are you kidding me? That's the only Snow White I really love. Every other Snow White is boring as fuck. She was like cute and spunky and like... She was cute and spunky. That's very true.

You didn't love it is what I'm gathering. And I'm really sad. It was like a dated spunkiness, I guess. I was like, OK, sure. I don't know. I thought it was very Emily and Paris. Like still very much like that kind of quirky, cute, like. I can do it, you know? Yeah.

It's okay. You don't have to feel bad. Just hit me with it. I'm trying to. I'm trying. I don't know. If you didn't like it, you didn't like it. It's okay.

The thing is, I liked the movie. I liked the movie. It was a very good movie. It was fun. It has Nathan Lane. It was a very good movie. It was fun. It has Nathan Lane. It has Nathan Lane. Julia Roberts just chewed through the scenery and every single scene that she was in, and I loved it.

I love that the mirror in that one is her actual reflection. Yeah. Yeah, that was just very, I don't know, very on the nose for the story. I thought the entire production was very on the nose. Like it was a very, like, I loved like the, it was very fairy tale-esque. It was something I really liked about that movie.

It was like they really captured the fairy tale of it. And the art direction was so fun. I loved every single costume. I loved every single set. I loved every single everything. It was so cool. Lily Collins is just a fashion icon at this point. I loved her little pirate snow white outfit.

I loved the training montage. It was so cute. So yeah, that movie was like very adorable. Yeah. It was adorable. I just also, I guess like I think the thing that sort of fell flat for me was, I don't know, I think it just was like... Was it too cute? I just feel like Snow White, like there just wasn't like... Like she was sweet and she was spunky, but there still wasn't a lot of there there.

Like I just didn't really get... I just didn't really know what she wanted. Yeah. Like things just kind of happened to her and she... Except to the very end when she's like, I've read so many tales about princess saving princesses. I think it's time to flip the script. I mean, it was so cheesy, but like at the same time, it's pretty cute. She like locks them all in. It was cute, but it also just felt like, it felt like, oh, okay, you wrote the whole movie

so that she could do that, even though it doesn't actually make any sense. Yeah, I don't know. That part just felt so played out already, I suppose. They're just kind of like, all right, you're trying to do a thing. I don't know. I watched Snow White and the Huntsman, which came out in the same year, by the way, Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman. That's so fascinating because they're so different. Mirror Mirror is by far the better film. I think Mirror Mirror actually had something to say Like, I think Mirror Mirror actually had something to say, and it was actually really fun and cool. I mean, I thought Mirror Mirror was just,

I mean, I just thought it was like cute and fun. I don't think it was like necessarily had anything like to say. I thought Snow White and the Huntsman was just boring as fuck. I was so bored most of the time. I thought, and I already like, Kristen Stewart did a lot better than I thought she would. She was a much better actress in this movie than I gave her credit for because I've seen her in other things where I just like hated it.

Damn, I'm kind of floored. I'm a little stunned that you're giving her credit. Well, don't get me wrong. I love Kristen Stewart. I think she's cool as fuck as an actress. As a person. Yeah, yeah. She is cool. But yeah, her acting. You have historically hated every single thing you've ever seen her in.

Yeah, the acting has never gotten it for me. Honestly, I don't think she was great in Snow White and the Huntsman. No. But she was better than I thought she'd be. But she was really boring. She had barely any lines, which is probably why I thought she did better. I love Christmas. I think she's very cool.

I just think her acting's like limit. Maybe her, not even her acting's limited. She just has like a personality or like a, she gets roles with like, you know, bumbling teenager personality and most of the stuff that I've seen her in. So this one was different and, but it was really boring. And I really, I hated the fact that the dwarfs weren't actual people with dwarfism. They were just, you know, made to look small via movie magic, which I feel like for me personally,

I feel like that gives less, opportunities to people with dwarfism to play that role, to like get paid. You know what I mean? 100%, like I think that there's like, there's like definitely like a conversation to be had around. Yeah.

Like, like around doing this story specifically and like how prominently it features dwarves and whether or not like- Yeah, they're the heroes of the story. They are. They're my favorite part. But you can definitely like portray them disrespectfully. Absolutely, yeah. Which like, you know, the original animated film definitely does.

You're like definitely. But I guess in the original animated film, they are magical creature dwarves. So that's kind of where I think the translation issue ends up coming in. Because in the original animated film, it's a fairy tale and the dwarves in it are magical creatures and not using real people as a stand-in for magical creatures that are given archetypal rough personalities. Yeah. Which is why I really don't love the idea of the CGI dwarves in the like 2025, like the upcoming live action Snow White, unless they're voiced by people with dwarfism. I don't know. I mean, obviously I'm not like an expert, but it seems fucked up. It does seem kind of fucked up because

it's fucked up to have as much as I love Nick Frost, make him seem like he's small. Right. In The White and the Husband. That's why in Mirror Mirror, they actually hire people with warismism, and I love that. Those characters are so good too. Yeah. I thought that they actually did it really well. It was clear that they had been working on making the

dwarves actual characters and also making it clear that these are not magical creature dwarves. These are little people because they made them the villagers. They said, this guy ran the pub. Yeah, I love that story. I love their story about how they were outcast, and that's why they're living together as bandits. They have a whole backstory, and they have like, oh, yeah, it was actually the butcher, and I ran the pub. And that tells me what they do after.

So I know we're jumping around a little bit. No worries. But I want to go over their names just because I want to give them names. That's my fix. So in Snow Way and the Huntsman, there's actually eight and there's Beef, Murr, Quirt, Cole, Durr, Gort, Neon, and Gus. And I think Gus is like the old man that dies. I think that's why it's like still like the seven. And then in Mirror Mirror, their names, and they're my favorite. I love them.

I think all the actors did such a good job. They're so wholesome and lovable. I love every character is so cute. Their names are Butcher, Will Graham, which is obviously a nod to the Brotherhood I love. I fucking love it. Yep. Half Pint, Napoleon, Grub, which is obviously a nod to the Brothers I love. I fucking love it. Half Pint, Napoleon, Grub, Chuck or Chuckles, which Chuck is one of my favorite dwarves,

and Wolf, who's hot. Wolf is hot. I love Wolf. He's probably my favorite character in that movie. Wolf is pretty great. Yeah, I love his wolf get his like wolf get up, although I don't know. Anyway, but he's like howling throughout the movie. I don't know. I just thought he was really like, I really, I really enjoyed him. I would, I would be curious to see like to hear

like some opinions from little people about like the movie and how they like might feel about the like the dwarf rep. Yeah definitely I'm sure and I'm sure it's varied. I'm sure it's varied because like no no people are a monolith but I do like I do want to share the handle of the there there is like a sort of like a little person media commentator. Mm-hmm yeah I've been following him on TikTok. Yeah, and I love like, so I just, I thought that like, so I shared a video of him talking about a Snow White adaptation that he thought

actually did the dwarves really well and his reasons for why. And then also he said like, you know, don't like, you know, kind of what you were talking about earlier, which is like, don't shut us out of the narrative. Yeah, they're the heroes of the story. I don't know. Yeah. They're like, there's a way to do this well, and then also give little people jobs. Yep. So take them to your fucking castle, Snow White. Seriously. So I mean, but I like that in Mirror Mirror, she does. Oh, yeah. And I, and I like that in Mirror Mirror she does. Oh, yeah. And I like that they do like a heist and they have like a, this is a stick up moment. And I like that.

They're badass. I love that they, and it's so like, it's so fun how they just constantly keep beating the prince and all the like royalty and stealing their clothes. It's just fucking great. I know. That's hysterical. It's so good. I think you should tell me the ultimate fix for Snow White right fucking now. James Finn Garner is, of course, famous for fixing these already. As far as fixing it for a modern audience goes, James Spengarter has already got it. The original fairy tale fixer? We did not base our podcast off of this series.

We didn't, but- Actually, we didn't even think about it when we started. Nope. But clearly, he has all the fixes. Clearly he already fixed it. Although I don't know if you can beat her staying an evil witch in the woods. God, it's so good. But I feel like it's similar. I have read this. It was just a long time ago. It's a little similar. But yeah, Here is the politically correct version of Snow White

by James Finn Garner. We love you. We love you. Please don't sue us. It's hard to, it's just, it's so hard to know how sarcastic he is. But it is hysterical nonetheless. James Finn Garner's, his short bio from his website isn't, James Finn Garner isn't

a mere writer. He's a virtuoso, a necromancer, a master of the tour de force. He's so funny. He has to be like cool, right? I think that the only way he could satirize liberals so hard is if he was one and knows the lingo. This is not the writing of someone who doesn't know what the party line is. I mean, yeah, for real. I don't know.

It's very smartly written. He's satirizing his own people. Somebody else tell us if James Spangarner is canceled or maybe don't. Please let us know if he's canceled. Well, I mean, but let us know if he's legit canceled. If he supports Trump, if he supports MAGA or something like that. Don't dig up a vaguely sexist tweet from 2002. 2002. That was pre-Twitter, but whatever. You know what I mean. Okay. All right.

Anywho. Let's cut all that out. Let's go. Once upon a time, once there was a young princess who was not at all unpleasant to look at and had a temperament that many found to be more pleasant than most other peoples. Her nickname was Snow White, indicative of the discriminatory notions of associating pleasant or attractive qualities with light and unpleasant or unattractive qualities with darkness. Yeah, it really is.

Accurate. I messaged you, what if her wish came true, her mother's wish came true, but she was like, her skin was black as ebony and her hair was white as snow? Yeah, I would love that. I think that'd be great. Flip it, anyway. Just flip it. Thus, at an early age, Snow White was an unwitting,

if fortunate target for this type of colorist thinking. When Snow White was an unwitting, if fortunate, target for this type of colorist thinking. When Snow White was quite young, her mother was suddenly stricken ill, grew more advanced in non-health, and finally was rendered non-viable. So they're going with the Disney version of this story, apparently. Definitely. Since it was her actual mom. It's in a lot of versions. It's in one of my grim fairy tales too.

Oh, okay. They just said like the story. So like the grim fairy tales eventually changed it even. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. But I bet it's the version with the kiss and not the shaking of her. I can't remember to be honest.

I don't even know if that happens. Anyway, sorry, go on. Her father, the king, grieved for what can be considered a healthy period of time, then asked another woman to be his queen. Snow White did her best to please her new mother of step, but a cold distance remained between them. The queen's prized possession was a magic mirror that would answer truthfully any question asked it. Now, years of social conditioning and a male hierarchical dictatorship had left the Queen very insecure about her own self-worth.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There. Me too. Physical beauty was the one standard she cared about now, and she defined herself solely in regard to her personal appearance. So every morning the queen would ask her mirror, mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? And her mirror would answer, for all it's worth, oh my queen, your beauty is fairest to be seen?" That dialogue went on regularly until once when the queen was having a bad hair day and was desperately in need of support. She asked her usual question and the mirror answered, "'Alas, if worth be based on beauty, Snow White has surpassed you, cutie.'"

Cutie, I like that. Still kind of supportive, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I guess. Whole thing's fucked. It's just fucked. I also do that every day in my mirror.

I look at myself and go, oh my god. Like, ugh. Same. Every time. Fucking system. Right now, even because I can see my face. And so I'm like. Same. Every time. Fucking societal pressure. Right now, even because I can see my face, and so I'm like... Sorry. That meme I sent of the guy from Always Sunny Philadelphia,

like me when I'm in the Zoom call. Uh-huh, yes, exactly. Just looking at himself nonstop. Okay. So at this, the queen flew into a rage. The chance to work with Snow White to form a strong bond of sisterhood had long passed. Instead, the queen indulged in an adopted masculine power trip and ordered the Royal Woods person to take Snow White into the forest and kill her. And possibly to impress the males in the royal court, she barbarously ordered the girl's heart to be cut out and brought back to her. The woods person sadly agreed to these orders and led the girl, who

was now actually a young woman, into the middle of the forest. But his connections to the earth and seasons had made him a kind soul, and he couldn't bear to harm the girl. He told Snow White of the oppressive and unsisterly order of the Queen and told her to run as deeply as she could into the forest. It is unsisterly. Very. Unsisterly. The frightened Snow White did as she was told. The woods person, fearing the Queen's wrath but unwilling to take another life merely to indulge her vanity, went into town and had the candy maker concoct a heart of red marzipan. Ooh, that's vegan.

I know. He's vegan. That's so good. heart of red marzipan. When he presented this to the queen, she hungrily devoured the heart in a sickening display of pseudo-cannibalism. Meanwhile, Snow White ran deep into the woods. Just when she thought she had fled as far as she could from civilization and its unhealthy influences, she stumbled upon a cottage. Inside, she saw seven tiny beds set in a row and all unmade. She also saw seven sets of dishes piled high in the sink and seven bark-a-lounders in front of seven remote-controlled TVs.

Pfft. Ha ha ha ha. I forgot about that, That was so good. Thank you. Super funny. I forgot about the story, but I'm excited because I'm beginning to remember where this is going. She surmised that the cottage belongs to either seven little men or one sloppy numerologist.

He just says OCD. There's got to be seven of everything. Seven of everything, exactly. Oh, man. The beds look so inviting that the tired youngster curled up on one and immediately fell asleep. When she awoke several hours later, she saw the faces of seven bearded, vertically challenged men surrounding the bed. Vertically challenged also sounds problematic as hell.

It is. That is not actually politically correct. Jason's canceled. We just figured out. Jason Garner, you're canceled. This book also came out in the 90s, right? It did. And it's satire. And it's satire. And it's satire. And it's satire. So I think that like, because it's a satire of, you know, very liberal people in a lot of ways.

But also I think saying things like a vision challenged was what people were saying at the time, like if someone had a disability, because it was the 90s. So he's also not wrong for the time period that he wrote the story. All right. All right, James, you're uncancelled for now. For now. Seven bearded vertically challenged men surrounding the bed. She sat up at the start and gasped. She's gaspy. One of the men said, You see that? Just like a flighty woman, resting peacefully one minute, up and screaming the next. I agree, said another. She'll disrupt our strong bond of brotherhood and create competition

amongst us for her affections. I say we throw her in the river in a sack full of rocks. Geez. Jesus, that's so familiar. I forgot that in the story the dwarves are men's rights activists. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I agree we should get rid of her, said a third, but why degrade the ecology? Let's just feed her to a bear or something and let her become part of the food chain." Hear, hear! Sound thinking, brother.

When Snow White finally regained her senses, she begged, "'Please, please don't kill me. I meant no harm by sleeping on your bed. I thought no one would ever notice.' "'Ah, you see,' said one of the men, "'female preoccupations are already surfacing. She's complaining that we don't make our beds. Kill her. Kill her. Oh my God. Female.

In the Disney movie, they do grab weapons and are about to kill her. But that's before they? They do? weapons and are about to kill her. But that's before they like know they do. Yeah, they all grab like a weapon. Or I mean, it doesn't look like weapons, but they all like go to like go in on her like to like, oh, like, kill whatever's in their bed. And then they see it's a pretty girl. Pretty privilege. Such pretty privilege. If she was an ugly girl, they would have killed her. Yup, 100%. Because of societal pressure. Right.

And standards. Patriarchal hierarchy. Yeah. Okay. So they're all screaming, kill her. And she says, please no. I have traveled so deep into these woods because my mother of step, the queen, ordered me killed. My mother of step, sorry.

Okay, I don't know the word that is being used here. I'm going to Google it really quick. What is it? Internicene? Okay, I don't know either. Internicene, destructive to both sides in a conflict. Okay. See that internicene female vindictiveness.

Don't try and play the victim with us, kid. Quiet boomed one of the men who had flaming red hair and a non-human animal skin on his head. Non-human. Snow White quickly realized that he was their leader and that her fate rested in his hands. Is that Doc? Must be. Or Butcher.

Hell yes. Going by Mirror Mirror mirror dwarves. Explain yourself. What's your name and why have you really come here? My name is Snow White, she began, and I've already told you. My mother of step, the queen, ordered a woods person to take me in the forest and kill me, but he took pity and told me to run away into the woods as far as I could. Just like a woman, grumbled one of the men under his breath. Get a man to do her dirty work. Oh boy, this is unfortunately too relevant to some of the comment sections I see on social media.

The leader held up his hands for silence. He said, well, Snow White, if that's your story, I guess we'll have to believe you." Snow White was beginning to resent her treatment but tried not to let it show. Who are you guys anyway? We are known as the Seven Towering Giants, said the leader. Yes, amazing. Absolutely. Very gallivant. Snow White's suppression of a giggle did not go unnoticed. The leader continued, We are towering in spirit and so our giants among the men of the forest were used to earn our living by digging in our minds, but we decided that such a rape of the planet was immoral and short-sighted. Besides, the bottom fell out of the metals market. planet was immoral and short-sighted. Besides, the bottom fell out of the metals market. That's so funny. I love it. So now we are dedicated stewards of the earth and live here

in harmony with nature. To make ends meet, we also conduct retreats for men who need to get in touch with their primitive masculine identities. Oh, barf. So there's a bunch of little Andrew Tates running around the world. Oh my God. No thanks. No, I run. These are not the heroes of my story. They are not. See, this story is also politically correct and it's much less wholesome depiction of little people. There are assholes in every community. So what does that involve, asks Snow White, aside from drinking milk straight from the carton. Your sarcasm is ill-advised, warned the leader of the seven towering giants. My fellow giants want to get rid of your corrupting

feminine presence and I might not be able to stop them, understand? My men, we must speak our hearts openly and honestly. Let us adjourn to the sweat lodge." At least they're talking about their feelings. That's true. Good for them. You know? Progress into the little things. The seven little men scampered out the front door, whooping and stripping off their clothes. Snow White didn't know what to do while waiting. For

fear of stepping on anything that might be scurrying about amid the debris on the floor, she stayed on the bed, although she did manage to make it without ever stepping off. She what? She made the bed. Okay. She did manage to make the bed without ever stepping off. She what? She made the bed. Okay. That's she did manage to make the bed without ever stepping off. Oh, gotcha. Okay, cool. I was a little I was like, wait, what? How many poisoned apples have you had tonight? Two. That's all you need. Honestly, yeah, it's a strong drink. So I'm good. It's like it's two shots and two hard ciders. I'm feeling toasty. Feeling toasty. I'm good to go. I don't need any more for sure though. Snow White heard drumming and shouts and soon after, the seven towering giants came back

into the cottage. They didn't smell as bad as she thought they would and thankfully, they all wore loincloths. Thankfully. Thankfully. Ugh, look what she's done to my bed. I want her out of here. I want to change my vote. Calm down, brother, said the leader. Don't you see? This is just what we're talking about. Contrasts. We can better measure our progress as true men if there's a female around for comparison." The men grumbled among themselves about the wisdom of this decision. Snow White had had enough. I resent being kept around like an object,

just a yardstick for your egos and penises. Yup. Right? Your egos and penises. Fair enough, the leader said. You're free to make your way back through the woods. Give our regards to the queen. Well, I guess I can stay until I figure out a new plan, she said. Well, all right. Well, all right. Fine. Okay. Very well, said the leader, but we have a few ground rules. No dusting, no straightening

up and no rinsing out underwear in the sink. And no peeking in the sweat lodge. What? Yeah. The opposite. Girls rinse out underwear in the sink all the time, according to these dwarves. Girls. Ew. in the sink all the time, according to these dwarves, girls. Eww. And stay away from our drums. Meanwhile, back at the castle,

the queen rejoiced at the thought of her rival and beauty had been eliminated. She puttered around her boudoir, reading glamored L and indulged herself with three whole pieces of chocolate without purging. No. Oh, that's so 1990s. That's so 1990s. Yeah. To like make that a joke. Yeah. I mean, she is, you know, the most societal standard version of beauty of them all. societal standard version of beauty of them all.

Absolutely. It's true. That's a good way to put it. In the 1990s, she's Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Well, or Courtney Cox. Courtney Cox was like, Courtney Cox was scary skinny. This is so, so awful of me. Hottest woman in the 90s. Oh, that's a fun Google search. I'm going to do the same thing. Okay.

Here's the top, here's a few top 30 Hollywood babes of the 90s. Jennifer Love Hewitt, oh, Catherine Zeta-Jones. I mean, Catherine Zeta-Jones can get it today. She can get it forever. All of these women can get it today. Penelope Cruz, Shania Twain, Jennifer Aniston. The chick from Buffy. I don't know her name.

Sarah Michelle Geller. Yo, yeah, I didn't know her name. I know her name. I mean, you know, a little obsessed with Buffy. Just a little bit. Rachel Weisz? Yeah, Rachel Weisz is beautiful. Yep.

Elizabeth Hurley. Oh, yeah. Elizabeth Hurley. Okay, these women are gorgeous. Michelle Pfeiffer is a fucking babe. These are the fairest of them all. They are. I do notice that pretty much everyone on this list, like Holly Berry aside, is white. Is white. Yep. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Well, let's move along. I guess so. Yeah. But these women are all super gorgeous. But I did notice that none of them were like, you know, Courtney Cox levels of Scary Thin. Well, it wasn't the 2000s. It wasn't heroine chic yet. Not quite yet.

And like the era of like super low rise jeans. Nicole Richie in Paris Hilton. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, no, you're right. It was the early 2000s. That was heroin chic. You could still look thin, but like you could still have like some roundness in your cheeks

and still be considered beautiful in the 90s. Yeah, and I still have some boobs. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. It changes, it always changes, and fuck, fuck everybody, anyway. Fuck all of it. Later, the queen confidently strode up to her magic mirror and asked her same sad question.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? And the mirror replied, your weight is perfect for your shape and height, but for sheer oomph, you can't beat Snow White. For sheer oomph? It does sound like a 90s magazine. It does. I love it. It does sound like a 90s magazine. It does. I love it. It does. At this news, the queen clenched her fists and screamed at the top of her lungs.

For years, her insecurities had been eating away at her until now, they turned her into someone who was morally out of the mainstream. With cunning and malice, she began to devise a plan to ensure the nonviability of her daughter of step. Her daughter of step. I love the way this is written. It's so good. Me too. I love nonviability as like a euphemism for dad. A few days later, Snow White, to be sure she didn't touch or rearrange anything,

was meditating on the floor of the middle of the cottage. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Snow White opened the door to find a chronologically gifted woman with a basket in her hand. I love chronologically gifted. I'm going to call myself that when I get old. I love that too. By the look of her clothes, she was apparently unfettered by the confines of regular employment. Hell yeah, girl. Get it. Help a woman of unreliable income, dearie, she said, and buy one of my apples. I feel like if somebody said that to me, I'd instantly want to buy something from them. Absolutely. I mean, but we have a rule about that, so of course we would.

That's true. Snow White thought for a moment. In protest against agribusiness conglomerates, she had a personal rule against buying food from middle persons. But her heart went out to the economically marginalized woman, so she said yes. Aw. Aw. Fairy tales, fairy tale rules. Fairy tale rules. Well, I don't know. In the OG for this, you absolutely shouldn't.

Yeah, I mean, but that's true. That's true. Snow White breaks a lot of rules. Yeah, it does. Interesting. That's a good point. How did we of rules. Yeah, it does. Interesting. It sure does. That's a good point. How did we not catch that earlier? I don't know. It's late. We're tired.

All right, go on. What Snow White didn't know was that this was really the queen in disguise, and the apple had been chemically and genetically altered so that whoever bit it would sleep forever. Once Snow White handed over the money for the apple, you would have expected the queen to be gleeful that her plan for revenge was working. Instead, as she looked at Snow White's fine complexion and slim, taut body, she felt alternating waves of envy and self-revulsion. Finally, she burst into tears. I know.

Why, whatever is the matter? asked Snow White. You're so young and beautiful, sobbed the disguised queen, and I'm horrible to look at and getting worse. Oh, I know. You shouldn't say that. After all, beauty comes from inside a person. I've been telling myself that for years, said the queen, and I still don't believe it.

How do you stay in such perfect shape? Well, I meditate, work out in stepperobics three hours a day and eat only half portions of anything placed in front of me. Would you like me to show you? Three hours a day. Three hours, three, three, trace. And like you work out that much

and you only eat half portions of your food. That seems very 90s. Damn. Yeah, that is very 90s. And it's why diets like that have never worked for me because I refuse to eat half portions of my food. You deserve the whole portion. I want the whole portion. And I will work out an hour max. Max. And I will work out an hour max. Yeah, I am.

Max. I mean, anyway. Sorry. Oh, yes, yes, please, said the queen. So they started out with 30 minutes of simple Hatha yoga meditation, then worked out on the step for another hour. As they relaxed afterwards, Snow White cut her apple in half and gave a piece to the Queen.

Without thinking, the Queen bit into it and both of them fell into a deep sleep." I love that she's not even thinking about it. Yeah, I know. I do kind of love that she just gets distracted by asking Snow White her beauty secrets. Yeah, and they're like, that's sisterhood, working out together and talking about societal pressure. Having a snack. Having a snack? Yeah.

Even if it's only half an apple. Girl, you can eat the whole apple. Later that day, the seven taboring giants returned from a retreat in the woods elaborately decked out in animal skins, feathers, and mud. With them was a prince from a nearby kingdom who would come on this male retreat to find a cure for his impotence. Or is he... Uh-huh. I mean, if you're going on a male retreat to find a cure for your impotence, is the problem that you don't like women? Fix.

Or as he preferred to call it, his involuntary suspension from fallallocentric activity. Pfft. I love it. They were all laughing and high-fiving until they saw the bodies and stopped short. Pfft. Yeah. That's fair. What has happened? asked the prince. Apparently our houseguest and this other woman got into some sort of cat fight and killed each other, surmised one giant. Burf. Burf. Burf. If they thought that by doing this,

they could make us slaves to our weaker emotions, they're wrong, fumed another. Well, as long as we have to dispose of them, let's practice one of those Viking funerals we've read about. You know, said the prince, this might sound a little sick, but I trust you guys. No. Yes.

Yeah. Stop. No. But I trust you guys. I trust you guys. I find that younger one attractive, extremely attractive. Would you fellows mind waiting outside? Yee!

I know, it's fucking gross. It's awful. Yee! I don't think this is politically correct. This is not politically correct. Stop right there, said the leader of the giants. Those half-eaten apple pieces, that filthy costume. This has all the ear marks of some sort of magic spell. They're not really

dead at all. Woo! Sighed the prince. That makes me feel better. So could you guys take five? Hold it, prince. Oh, Abby. My cat heard me going, eee, and she came in to check on me. She did. She was like, are you okay? Siobhan was like, is everything okay in here? Siobhan. Oh, she's... Look.

Look at her. She came to check on me. She's a good girl. She loves her Kelsey. Sorry. Go on. Well, I mean, because the thing is you're not okay. So this is also just so very clearly written in the 90s because he's writing this like it's a joke.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's like- James Van Garner needs to rewrite his- It's not that funny. Yeah. But it's like James Vingarner needs to rewrite his... Yeah. I think the politically correct fairy tales needed 2024 update. Yep.

Oh my God. I know, buy that book so fast. I would. It'd be so funny. Like I would love it so much. But anyway, the necrophiliac prince is interrupted again. Hold it, prince, said the leader. Does Snow White make you feel like a man again?

Oh, she certainly does. Don't touch her, you'll break the spell, the leader thought for a minute and said, my brothers, I see certain economic possibilities arising from this. If we keep Snow White around here in this state, we could advertise our retreats as impotency therapy.

This is so much worse than the original. This is worse than a prince like, I got to take her dead body with me everywhere. Yeah, never mind. I thought this was going to fix the story. It's not. I forgot how this one goes. I forgot too. I remember them working out together and then I didn't remember what

happened after that. Right. I remembered it was a men's rights activist retreat. I didn't remember that part. But I – oh my goodness, I forgot about this. Disgusting. So anyway. Now I'm clutching my face. Yeah. Listeners, Kelsey is like literally dragging her fingers down her face. The Giants. See, this is actually turning out to be just like Snow Sleeping Beauty. This is worse.

This is worse. This is way worse. Okay. Anyway, the Giants nodded in agreement with this idea, but the prince interrupted, but what about me? I've already paid for my retreat. Why don't I get to take the cure? Ew. Fucking gross. God. James, Jim, you're canceled. No dice, Prince said the leader. You can look, but don't touch. Otherwise you'll break the spell.

Tell you what though, you can have the other one if you want. No, no. I don't want to sound classist said the Prince, but she's not high enough caliber for me. How is this going to end? I take back everything I said about the ultimate fix. Yeah, never mind.

I take it all back. This is awful. This is fucking awful. It's not over yet, but still. No, it's not. But this is terrible. I forgot that this is how this one goes. I should have read it first.

It's fun to discover stuff like that. To refresh my memory. I'm going to read it first. I'm going to read it first. I'm going to read it first. I'm going to read it first. I'm going to read it first. I'm going to read it one goes. I should have read it first. It's fun to discover stuff together though. It is. I need you here with me for this. I'm not strong enough. Deep breath.

Man, we thought Snow White Tale of Terror was rapey and weird. Yeah, for fucking real. This is like rapey, weird, and a Hollywood sort of like. Yeah. Gross. Okay. That's pretty big talk from a man shooting blanks, said one of the giants, and everybody but the prince laughed. The leader said, come on, brothers,

let's lift these two off the floor and decide how we can best display them. It took three giants for each female, but they managed to get both bodies aloft. And as soon as they did, the pieces of poisoned apple fell from the mouth of Snow White and the Queen and they awoke from the spell. Thank fucking God. Hey, that's more, oh yeah, closer to the original. It's closer to the original. It is closer to the original. The apple just falls out of their mouth.

Yes, yeah, in that way, in that way only. What do you think you're doing? Put us down, they shouted. The giants were so startled, they almost dropped the women to the floor. That was the most sickening thing I've ever heard, shouted the queen. Uh-huh. Offering us their, yes. Yes, it was. That's fucking disgusting. And you said Snow White to the prince, trying to make it with a girl in a coma. Yuck. Yuck, indeed. Yeah. Like yuck doesn't even begin to describe.

That's the lightest possible term that you can use. Like straight to jail. Right away. Straight away. Hey, don't blame me, said the prince. It's a medical condition. Wow. Sorry, I'm gone. The leader of the giant said, don't start tossing blame around. You both broke into our property in the first place. I'm going to call the police. You both broke into our property in the first place. I'm gonna call the police. Don't try it, Napoleon, said the queen.

This forest is property of the crown. You are the ones who are trespassing. Oh shit. Oh shit, get him. Fucking jail, straight to jail, all of them. This is the only time I've ever been on the side of royalty. The rejoinder caused quite a stir, but not as big a commotion as when the Queen warned. And another thing, while we were immobile and you are blathered on in your sexist way,

I had a personal awakening. From now on, I'm going to dedicate my life to healing the rift between women's souls and their bodies. I am going to teach women to accept their natural body images and become whole again. Snow White and I are going to build a women's spa and conference center on this very spot where we can hold retreats, caucuses, and ovariums

for the sisters of the world. Yeah, okay. There was much shouting and name calling, but the queen eventually had her way. Before the seven towering giants could be evicted from their home though, they packed up their sweat lodge and moved deeper into the woods. The Prince stayed on at the spa, what?

As a cute but harmless tennis pro. He doesn't sound like a harmless. He is not harmless. What the fuck? And Snow White and the Queen became good friends and earned worldwide fame for their contributions to sisterhood. The giants were never heard from again, save for little muddy footprints that were sometimes

found in the morning outside the windows of the spa's locker room. The end. Wow. That's so 90s. Wow. Like boys will be boys when he literally wanted to rape her. Oh my God. And then he gets to hang out at the spa. I'm sorry, James. That was a miss. You're canceled.

Yeah. Fucking you need to... Here's our fairy tale fix. Fucking redo it. Fix that shit. Rewrite that one. They'll go straight to jail. To something less fucking, yeah. Or they die. Or they die. I remember at the end of the Cinderella one, they kill all the men. I liked that one a lot more, James. I liked that one a lot more.

Yeah, that was very 90s, like, ha ha, he made a rape joke and it's silly, funny, boys, lovies, boys. She's that hot. Yeah. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

And that, ugh, nasty. No. That was not it. Nasty. They all die. That's my fix for this story. That was super, super not it. Wow.

What a bummer note to end on. Yeah, I remember it so differently. Holy shit. That was fun to discover with you though. I'm glad we had each other for that. And we're sorry. We're sorry to everyone that we, you know, unknowingly forced along this journey with us. We're really sorry. That was terrible. Well, that was pretty spooky for our Halloween episode. That was, wow, happy Halloween. I don't even know how to end this. Things to think about this Halloween, don't take sweets from strangers.

Don't trust anybody ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. I don't know. Now I'm sad. I'm sad.

I'm sad and confused. I like the original better. Me too. The original was somehow less fucked up. It was because at least it didn't allude to him sexually abusing her even though she's dead. Well, and then he doesn't marry her. I know it's like, but that's after she wakes up and then they have dinner together. That's true. That's fair.

In conclusion, go watch Mirror Mirror and then be done with Snow White forever. That's what we have to say. And if you have any other adaptations that are actually good that you really like that are nice and will wash my brain of this forever. Fucking Christ. Send them to us at fairytalefixpod. You can find us on Instagram, on Facebook, and sometimes TikTok. And that wasn't the outro. I just please send me. Yeah, maybe just send me something nice. Send me pictures of your pets. Give us a palate cleanser.

Ooh, send pictures of your Halloween costumes. Ooh, I want to see that really bad. Yes, do that. And we'll repost it. If you send us a picture of you in your Halloween costume, we'll repost it on Halloween because we love you and we want to see him. And I need some, I need a warm hug.

Yes. I wish I was drunker. I wasn't expecting that at all. Like, fuck. Holy shit. Okay. How did the politically correct one end up being more of a what the fuck fairy tale? For real. That is- The original. That's where we grew up, y'all. terrible what the fuck fairy tale. For real. That is the original.

And that's where we grew up, y'all. I feel so betrayed. Yeah, the 90s were a time. Thank you so much for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. We really appreciate you sticking with us. Thank you and we're sorry. We're sorry and you're welcome. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe. Leave us a review on Apple or Spotify.

Five stars only please. If you love the show and want to support us, you can get extra episodes, merch, books, and other bonus content at our Patreon by signing up at patreon.com forward slash fail fairy tale fix. And yeah, please for the love of everything, just send us your Halloween costumes or pictures of your pets or something nice to help us wash our brain of that and also for you again, we're sorry. You can find other stuff at fairytalefixpot.com.

And so in my original story and the Disney version, the Evil Queen turns into an old hag and then feels so freed. She feels so much freedom by not having to conform to societal standards of beauty. She feels like she can finally be herself and be funny and witty and realize people like her more. And beauty isn't the only important thing. And she decides to go live in the woods and, you know, just be a chaotic neutral and helping people and hindering people based on how she's feeling that day.

And Snow-Eye just lives with the dwarves forever and lives happily ever after. It's a great, great fix. Okay, thank you. And James Finn Garner writes a 2024 update instead to this story. You owe us a new one, man. Ordinarily, you are so reliable and you really failed us on this story. You owe us a new one, man. Ordinarily, you are so reliable and you really failed us on this one. Yeah, so we get a new different version that does not involve a rapey subplot. No, no, no, not even as a joke. The original story is burned

and lost forever to time and it drops out of my memory as well. Yeah, erase from my brain forever, please. Yeah. And they all live happily ever after. The end.