Fairy Tale Fix - 99: Stop Using Your Brain

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

December is the time of year we all collectively reach the end of our mental ropes and get to stop thinking - but Kelsey clearly didn’t get the memo! Fairy tale architecture and the decisions of kings are questioned when Abbie reads the Greek tale of The Nine Doves, followed by Kelsey’s reading of the Norse tale The Lad Who Went to The North Wind (a super chill dude actually).

What you got there? I got two mugs. I got my Christmas mugs out. Oh yeah, by the way, it's Yule time, baby. Feeling jolly and festive. So I got my mugs down. I got a snowman and I got a Santa. I don't really celebrate Christmas anymore, but he's so cute. Look at him. Aw, he is so cute. I mean, and I do recognize that mug. I like his rosy little cheeks. I know, he's so cute. He's got a mistletoe. He's Father Christmas.

But, so I made myself a peppermint mocha for this mug. Okay. And then it was, and it's tasty. I really like it. And I was drinking it. But then right before we started, I was like, you know what? I want some wine, get a little loose. Whatever. Right. It's fine. It's the holidays. It's the holidays. So, and I, you know, you gotta have two. You do. I mean, you should also have some water up there

for proper beverage goblin observances. I do need something to hydrate. Yes. I'll probably go get that later though. One drink just to hydrate. So it was like a drink to hydrate, to energize, and one just for fun or something. Uh-huh.

A beverage goblin has three drinks at a time. It's true. I almost always have three drinks at a time as a problem. I unfortunately only have two at the moment, which maybe later I'll need to correct that. Yeah, because I have coffee. I've got coffee and water. Yeah, you're missing the wine, the breakfast wine.

I'm missing the wine. Well, you know, for me, it's almost three o'clock. So it's not quite the appropriate hour to have wine, but it's close. Yeah. Close, close enough. Although, you know, I was thinking later, I might make myself,

because I recently rediscovered Vespers. What's a Vesper? It is the James Bond martini. Oh. And it is, you can't have too many of them because they will fuck you up, but it is two parts gin, one part vodka, and then like half a part Lilat Blanc

with like a lemon wedge. It's like a wine. Yeah, that sounds like a one and done drink. It's potent. Yeah, it's... But I had one out a little while ago and it was a one and done drink. I couldn't have anything else for like

the rest of the time because I would not have been able to drive home. So I sift that slowly over the course of like a couple hours. But for home use, or bar within walking distance. You know, I don't think I've ever made myself a martini at home. I feel like martinis are such a special occasion drink for me because it is like, it's just straight gin. Let's be real. Straight gin and some olive juice if you like it dirty. Absolutely. Which you do, obviously, dirty girl. By the way, this is Fairy Tail Fix. Oh, good.

I'm glad that we remembered the intro this time because the last episode we didn't do it one time. I know. I finally remembered. I'm Kelsey, by the way. I'm Abbey. And yeah, this is Fairy Tale Fix, the podcast where we read each other classic fairy and folk tales and then we fix them for a modern audience. Or for ourselves. We basically make a lot of really wonderful improvements. Yes, yeah, we fix these fairy tales, we make them better.

I don't know why Hollywood is sleeping on how great our ideas are, but we can fix pretty much any movie, any plot. We really can. And we do a lot. We do all the time, every single time. By the way, have you seen, so it's the holiday season. Are you into like the Hallmark holiday movies? No, I've never really.

I like Christmas, but I've never really been a holiday movies person. Yeah. Fair. Okay, but I have one recommendation that you have to watch. And I feel like everyone has seen this everywhere because they're doing such a good job with the marketing. But it's Frosty? It is about a hot snowman that comes to life. Oh, hang on. Yep, yep. Oh my gosh, Abby, you haven't heard of it? I'm looking it up.

I haven't heard of hot Frosty. Oh no, he's pretty cute. It's the veterinarian from Schitt's Creek. Yeah, what? No, is that him? Ted, I think. The guy who plays Ted? Yeah.

Dustin Milligan. Hang on. I'm fact-checking you. Do it. It's totally... It's actually pretty good. I watched it and it was very funny. He looks different in Hot Frosty. I think it's the hair.

It's totally the hair, like the long like. Yeah, the long like wavy hair. He's a very handsome man. He's a hot frosty. He's a hot frosty. He's a hot snowman that comes to life and. Yeah. And then also.

Lacey Chabert? Lacey Chabert. I love Lacey Chabert. 100%. I've seen her in exactly one thing. Yeah. Woo's Lacey Chabert? Lacey Chabert. I love Lacey Chabert. I've seen her in exactly one thing. 100% recommend. I definitely think you should watch it.

It was so bad that it was good. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, absolutely. I don't even think you really need to pay that close attention. You could put it on while you're cleaning or doing something else. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.

Aw. Okay, I might- It was so stupid. I might give this a chance. It is my favorite kind of holiday movie concept. Yeah. It was perfect. It's so funny. Oh, it also has Craig Robinson, who's Daryl from The Office or Doug Judy.

Yeah. He's the sheriff and also Charles from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yeah, I see Joe, Joe Lutri. Yes. They're so funny. This cast is stacked with comedy greats. So I am excited. You should definitely watch it. I'm totally going to watch it.

Are you planning on going to the Krampuschnacht this year? I forgot about Krampus Noct. I know. I was actually listening to an episode from last year where you were like, oh, I want to go to this thing. Oh, it's tonight. And I could slowly hear you getting less and less interested. It was so funny. I need time. I know that's why I'm bringing it up right now. You know what? And I appreciate you, thank you. Friends, it is the very beginning of Yule season. It's before Thanksgiving, technically,

when we're recording this. And everybody liked the, I love their little slogan for it. It's like calling all Krampus Perchta, winter and magical creatures for our fifth annual Bell's Point Krampus Love. Fuck yes. God, that sounds awesome.

There will be games and prizes and merriment for everyone. Okay, I'm totally going to this. Thank you for reminding me about this. I totally forgot. Okay, it is Krampus knocked. Krampus knocked. According to this YouTube video. Anyhow, yeah, you should go and take pictures and I want to see it so I can live vicariously

through you. Yeah, I will tell you all about it. I'm definitely going. I'm so excited. I feel like I should keep this a secret, but I'm too excited, I have to tell you. A witch store actually opened up here. That's exciting. And there's actually another one opening up soon.

There's going to be two? Oh, that's exciting. And there's actually another one opening up soon. There's going to be two. That specializes in crystals and witchcraft and pig and stuff. I'm just like... God, about time. I'm so stoked. Yeah, that sounds amazing. It does.

Yeah, and it is. I've been to one of them. I happened upon it at one of these random markets. And it's amazing. and I'm really excited. So I feel like it's slowly coming here in this smaller town. It's fine. I'm really stoked. I'm so glad.

I feel like, you know, I am excited about more people our age becoming business owners because I feel like there are finally things that we want. Yep. Absolutely. Which is witchcraft. Which is witchcraft. Yes, absolutely. And holiday monsters. The advent calendar you got me last year was just so good. It was so much fun. The Yule Monster calendar. That thing was really fun. I loved that. Some of the monsters, I feel

like it should have been a 12 day one instead of 24. Yeah. But. Some of them was like a crackling fireplace. And like that's not a Christmas monster. No, no it is not. But also some of them were really cool. That would have been fun if it had like been the advent calendar itself, but then it also had

a little booklet that came with it that had information about each monster or folk creature. It was cool. Yeah. It still gave you a little explanation. Yeah, that'd be cool. Yeah, that would be cool. Ideas, dreams, if somebody knows of something like that. The person who sold me the advent calendar

is the person who runs the Krampus group. So I will hunt this person down and make suggestions. You should. It was so fun. I love it. Me too. Trying to just find joy. I've been really depressed lately because it's just been, actually, so it's been raining.

Weather corner. Weather, weather, weather corner. Yes. Tell me about it. It has been raining. And I don't mean like it's been rainy. I mean it rained for four days nonstop, like nonstop rain, like flash flood warnings and people getting really annoyed and being like, man, when is this rain going to stop? And I'm freaking my coworkers out

because I'm just like, I hope it never stops. I want it to rain until everything's underwater. And I've been going out and taking pictures in the rain for my work, getting pretty park photos and stuff like that. You've been getting just really pretty park photos. It has been so much fun. I love the rain. And there was like blue, I think today was the first day that I woke up with blue sky. It's supposed to rain later tonight though, so I'm still happy.

I'm so glad that it's been raining so much. I know, like all day. Flash floods, really? Like, that's crazy. Yeah, it's the best. It's been making me really happy. I love it. And yeah, so that's my other corner.

Soak in, replenish that aquifer. It's an atmospheric river is what they're calling it. That's beautiful. It is. Oh, what does that mean, atmospheric river? is what they're calling it. That's beautiful. It is. Ooh, what does that mean, atmospheric river? Let's Google it. Atmospheric river.

What are atmospheric rivers? It's a relatively long, narrow region in the atmosphere like rivers in the sky that transport most of the water vapor outside of the tropics. Okay. So it's like a river in the sky. River in the sky. With raindrops.

There we go. I got there. Do they just spontaneously occur or are they always there? And if so, why has the river in the sky not brought rain to Northern California in a while? I don't know. I really don't know. Scientists, I'm sure, are studying it. I am grateful. Yes, as you should be.

It's been so nice. I love the rain. I often think I should live where it rains more. Honestly, I think you would be a happy camper. Because I like to like... I was like going out in the rain, like putting on my raincoat, tying it up so all you can see is my face. But you're also such a sunshine person. I like it when it's warm sunshine. It's true. Yeah. Like a summer sunshine person. I don't know. I'm just having flashbacks to you lying in your mom's hammock in the summer reading Sookie Stackhouse

novels. Yeah. I do like to be in the sun when it's warm and not 110 degrees. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Climate change. It's crazy. I feel like I got to hang out outside this summer for maybe two weeks before it got sweltering hot. Yeah. Weather corner for the East Coast, it's also been just generally very unpleasant. And we had like two weeks of nice fall weather and now we're decidedly into winter and it's really fucking cold and it snowed. Oh, it snowed already? Yeah, it snowed already, but not enough for it to be fun

or to feel festive. It snowed a little bit and it didn't even stick to the ground. So it was lame. Stupid snow. So it was just cold and slushy. Yeah, slushy is not fun. That's just dangerous, slipping around everywhere. Hydroplaning. Exactly. Causing car wrecks everywhere, stupid weather. It's no good. But it is nice in some ways though, because when it gets cold outside, I get my radiator

heating and it just gets so cozy in my house. And then I just stay inside all day and I snuggle my dog and I don't feel like I have to go anywhere. That's true. I've been struggling with, so there's like an ice rink at my work and I love the ice rink, it's so much fun. But to go to the ice rink, I have to,

like basically I get off work and I come home for a little bit, and then I go out. I'm doing tonight, I'm going out. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But by the time I'm leaving my house, it's already dark. It's midnight at four o'clock. I know.

It's bedtime already. So I don't want to leave my house anymore because all the ice rink events start at like six o'clock, which isn't late, but it feels late. It feels like midnight. It's late in the wintertime. I feel like a Victorian ghost walking around with a lantern holding it up. It's so dark and cold. We'll never survive the winter. You can grab yourself up, put a blanket over your head.

Yep, exactly. And I have a bunch of those old-timey candelabras too. Oh, okay. Well, you know, it's a good winter. You're prepared. But we don't even have snow. I'm just so dramatic. I'm enjoying the holiday part where it's like

there's pretty lights and there's festive music and it's fun. Yeah, and a skating rink and everybody's making hot cocoa everywhere. Embracing the huga. Embrace the huga. Yeah, that's what I'm doing until January and then I'm just going to come play nonstop. By the way, this is our 99th episode. Fuck. 99? Very true. 99. 99?

99. I am really excited. Our next episode comes out on the 24th. Yeah, December 24th. And that'll be our 100th episode. Should we announce what we're going to do for our 100th episode or save it for the end of the episode? I think we should save it, but we are going to do something special. We are going to do something special. We're very excited. I think we should save it, but we are gonna do some things special. We are gonna do something special. We're very excited. I can't remember if we've already told people or not,

but whatever. I think we've hinted at it a little bit. Right. But we're not even talking about that. We're talking about episode 99. Yeah, today's episode 99. I can't believe we have made almost 100 of these things. I know, me too.

That's kind of crazy. It is crazy. But still super fun. I'm excited about what we're going to be doing next week, but this week, since it is the 99th episode, I wanted to treat us to one of my favorites of the Ruth Manning Sanders canon. What is it? Which one? I'm pretty sure we haven't done it before. I checked the show notes, but it's called The Nine Doves.

The Nine Doves. Okay. I don't think I've read that one. I don't think you have read her. It isn't a choice of magic. So you might have read it. I don't remember anything. Okay. Great. It's in A Choice of Magic and it's in A Book of Dragons. I'm so excited.

This was one of my absolute favorites. Okay. When I was a kid. It probably had something to do with the illustration. Are you ready? I am ready. I've got my predictions. Okay.

Give me three predictions for the nine doves. Okay. You'll probably see where I'm stealing my predictions from, but I'm still hoping it'll be correct. One, the protagonist is a princess. Okay. Two, the doves aren't really doves. I'm stealing this from the wild swans,

if you haven't guessed. I'm not saying those birds are her brothers, but I'm saying they're not really devs. That's my prediction. And then my third prediction, because I'm hoping for a Yuletide miracle for me, talking cat. Incredible. I want there to be a talking cat.

Three A plus predictions. Thank you. And I will now show you the illustration that is the reason why I loved this story. One of the reasons why I loved this story so much as a kid, like why I was immediately drawn to it and I wanted to read the story all the time. Uh huh. And you know, you will now know that one of your predictions was exactly right. Oh. Yeah. We're... Oh, I was also thinking I was going to predict that the doves were actually dragons.

Wouldn't that be cute? Because you said it was in a book of dragons. I did say it was in a book of dragons, didn't I? Uh-huh. Are they? Oh my God. Okay. It's too late. You can't make it. You didn't I? Uh-huh. Are they? Oh my God. Okay. It's too late.

You can't make it. You can't make it. I know. Well, I mean, the doves aren't really doves would still count as that. Damn it. They will still count as that. Well, anyway, two of your predictions are right, but this was the picture that completely caught my eye when I was a kid.

Yeah. I don't know if you can see it. She's cute. Look at her. Look at her holding a dove. Yeah. She's just a beautiful... It's a beautiful brunette girl in a blue dress holding a dove. I loved it.

All right. As a little girl. Once again, begging the question, how did I not realize I liked girls until my mid-20s. Because society told you you didn't. Right. Exactly. I did still like boys, and so I thought the matter was settled. Cue ones are so complicated. Wow. Did I spend a lot of time looking at that picture and thinking about how pretty she was? Look how perky her boobs are. I looked at her boobs a lot. I thought her boobs were very inspiring. They are incredibly inspiring. They're just very nice.

It's that old timey like kind of corset where it just, they're like on a plate. Yeah, we're just really hoiks them up. Don't worry, we'll post this. Boobs on a plate. We'll post this on our Instagram, don't worry. We'll post this. Boobs on a plate. We'll post this on our Instagram. Don't worry. Yes. Although you might have to send me that picture. I'm not sure if mine has, I don't know if my version has color, like color in the drawing. I have a pretty special copy of Choice of Magic. So I don't know if yours has the color drawings.

I think they're black and white, I think. Yeah. Because that illustration is in a book of dragons. It's just not color. It's just not in color. Like her dress is not blue. Yeah. Like it's just, it's just black and white, which is fine. It's still a beautiful drawing, but her dress isn't blue and her hair isn't brown. And that was my favorite part. Also her boobs on a plate. On a serving platter, just up there. On a serving platter. Here you go. Here they are. Okay. Are you ready to hear the nine doves?

I'm so ready. I'm so excited. We haven't done one from A Choice of Magic in a while. I know. And like, I really, I wanted to treat us to one of the ones from A Choice of Magic. I appreciate that. Because it's episode 99 and that's the book that really brought us together on this fairy tale thing. 100%. And it's going to be available for purchase soon and I'm really, really excited. Oh my God, I can't wait. Shout out to Mouths Media forever and ever. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a glass tower because the king, her father, wished to keep her safe. That does not seem like a safe, a glass tower to keep her safe. Try steel, sir.

That's not pretty. It's not pretty, but that's not keeping her safe. That's keeping her for show. It's like the special glass that is actually really... It's magic. Something. It's magic. It's magic glass.

Okay, fine. And it's frosted glass because you can't see outside as you will discover. Okay. Anyway, he decided a glass tower was the safest option. Well, okay. And she... I still didn't agree with that decision, but... Well, he didn't ask you, did he?

He certainly did not. That's my fix for the whole story. You should have been consulted. I'm going to go into fairy tale architecture. That's my, obviously my calling. Building these glass palaces. What the fuck? Yeah.

Just quit it. Quit it. Start making things that have durable materials. God. Quit it. Start making things out of durable materials. Mm-hmm. God. You've read the Throne of Glass series, how uncomfortable it makes everyone. Yes, absolutely. You're bringing me around on it, but we have not passed the first sentence of the story.

I know, I'm sorry. She had beautiful dresses to wear and servants to wait on her and the most delicious food to eat, but her food had always to be served up to her without bones because the king was afraid she might choke herself. Wow. Helicopter down alert. Seriously. The ultimate helicopter parent.

And the glass of her tower was frosted glass because the king was afraid she might see something ugly in the world outside and be frightened. Wow. Okay. But then she couldn't see anything pretty in the world outside either. So it was not much of a life she lived, poor girl. Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Don't, you can't protect, you can't protect your kids from anything. Well, you can't protect them from some stuff, but not everything. That was what I was going to say. And in trying to, you will prevent them from enjoying their lives. Absolutely. So one day she was eating her dinner and she said to her serving maid, is all meat the same as the meat I eat? No, your Royal Highness said the maid,

our meat has bone in it. The princess put down her knife and fork and pushed her plate aside. I will not eat what no one else eats, she said. Bring me some meat like the meat you eat. Yeah, do it. Yeah, do it, live a little. Man, I'm just, I have actually heard of people who only feed their kids baby food up into

the junior high age. Yikes. That's fucking insane. Because food is so good. It's one of the reasons to be alive. Baby food and Pedialyte. Oh, God. What? Oh. Oh God.

Oh my God. This was like a child. This was like a preteen. Anyway. Oh my goodness. Why be alive? I'm glad you told me about that because- I'm so chatty today.

You are chatty today. I mean, I love it. Because usually this is me doing this to you. I think it's the coffee. I usually don't drink coffee before episodes. Yeah, you're chatty today. Okay, I'll stop. I like it. Anyway, okay, so the princess tells the maid that she wants to start eating the

same food as everyone else. So the serving maid ran down to tell the cook and then the cook sent up a nicely grilled chop. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Oh my God. That was another reason why I love the story. It was the food descriptions. Like, oh, grilled, huh? I like grilled food. I like that they're on her side and they're just kind of doing it because she said it and not... Yeah. Like kind of going against the king's orders. That's risky. I know. But honestly, I can kind of picture the servants in my head. They've probably been saying the same shit we have been saying about like, damn, this kid is sheltered. And also meat with bone in it is so good. And she is being deprived. So it's like, yeah, baby, if you want me to make you like a pork chop with bone in it, I will do it.

Or lamb chop, I guess is the Greek story. Anyway, so she sends up a nicely grilled chop. The princess cut the meat off the bone and ate it. Then she looked at what was left on her plate and said, so this is a bone. Yes, your Royal Highness said the maid. The princess picked up the bone and tried to bite it. And since she could not bite it, she threw the bone at the glass of the tower and broke a little window in it.

Oh, shit. That's a little, that's an interesting reaction. Yeah, I know. It's good. She's just like, huh, whatever. And she throws it at the wall. I mean, but throwing it hard enough to break glass. She hooks it pretty hard, yeah. You're a very strong-armed princess. Yeah, absolutely. She's got a good throwing arm. Also, I think that this lends credence to your theory about how this is actually

a very unsafe and fragile tower. Anyway, she makes a little window in the glass of her tower. Oh, what fun, she says, peeping through the window, now I can see the world. That afternoon, as the princess sat alone, she saw nine doves flying past the little window. Eight of the doves were black and one was white. The black doves flew straight on, but the white dove, when it saw the princess, circled round once or twice, then flew in through the window. Oh, you pretty thing, cried the princess. Do let me catch you. The dove fluttered about the room and the princess ran about after it, but she could never quite get her hands on it.

Then the dove fluttered to the floor and the princess stooped and a ring slipped off her finger. And what did that dove do? But pick up the ring and then speak and fly out with it through the window. Mm-hmm. Yeah, birds love shiny things. They love shiny shit. The next afternoon, the nine doves, eight of them black and one of them white, flew past the window again. And again, the black doves flew straight on. And again, the white dove circled around once or twice, then flew in through the window.

I'll catch you today, pretty bird,' cried the princess. But the white dove fluttered here and fluttered there, always just out of the princess's reach, and then fluttered to the floor, and the princess made a jump to catch it, and a bracelet slipped from her wrist. And the white dove picked up the bracelet in its beak and flew off with it out through the window." She's getting swindled. She is.

She is. This bird has taken her for all she's worth. That bird is way smarter than her. Yeah. If it comes again, I will catch it, said the princess. And the next day, the nine doves, eight black and one white, flew past the window yet again, and the white dove flew in through the window and fluttered around the room, and the princess

flapped at it with her handkerchief, thinking to drive it into a corner. But the dove caught the handkerchief in its beak, and the princess was so surprised that she let go, and the dove flew away through the window with the handkerchief. Bye, bitch. Bye. That evening, the king came to pay his daughter a visit. He saw the broken glass and was worried. Said he, how did this happen? Said the princess, oh, it just broke. She is a homie. She's not running anybody out. Hell, I fucking know. Well, because these are the people she actually lives with. Yeah, right. She's a homie. She's not running anybody out. Hell, who let them know? Well, because these are the people she actually lives with. Yeah, right? She's not going to tell on the people who brought her a delicious lamb chop.

Nope. And the very next sentence is, for she did not want her maid to get into trouble about the bone. Hell yeah. You know what? Hell yeah. Yeah, she's not a snitch. She knows what the snitches get. Said the king, it must be repaired, but it is very special glass. It came from the East. It may take months to get another piece, and I can't let you stay here until it is mended. Why, anything might come in. Yeah, anything. Yeah, anything at all. Anyone. Anyone, anything. So he sent the princess to stay with her godmother in the country. Because heaven forfend his daughter live with him. Yeah, interesting. And a godmother, like a fairy godmother.

Interesting, interesting thought. In a cottage in the woods. More like a lazy woman who lives in a castle in the country and really didn't want to be a parent. All right, well. Her cool aunt. Yeah, she goes and she stays with her cool aunt. Her cool drunk aunt. Okay, sorry.

Probably because the text says she couldn't be bothered to look after the princess as strictly as the king had done. Aka, she thinks that's weird. And so she just doesn't do it. I'm assuming this princess is at least like 15 according to that picture. She's an adult. Absolutely. This princess is at least like an older teenager. Yeah, like a young adult.

Yeah. And so the godmother just, you know, it's like, that's weird. I'm not gonna pay that close attention to this teenager, whatever. That's weird. I'm not going to pay that close attention to this teenager. Whatever. But she told the princess that she had better not go out of the garden. Just a light, you probably shouldn't, but I'm also not going to watch you. Yeah, your dad doesn't want you to do this, but you know. Don't wander off too far. Whatever. I winked. I'm a cool mom. You're a cool, you're kind of the coolest mom in the sense that you're so cool you don't have children.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. The garden was a pretty one and the princess spent most of her time in it. She liked it much better than the glass tower. And whenever she saw any people passing along the road, she would run to the gate and ask them if they had seen her ring or her bracelet or her handkerchief. Nobody had because they had jobs. Near the godmother's house was a cottage where a silly boy lived with his widowed mother. A silly boy. A very silly boy.

Said the silly boy one day, Mother dear, they say a beautiful princess stands at the gate of Yonder House and talks to passersby, I'm going to go talk to the princess. You'll do nothing of the sort,' said his mother. "'Oh, yes, I will,' said the silly boy." His mother tried to dissuade him, but the silly boy was stubborn. So at last she said, "'Well, then, go to the forest and get me some wood that I may make a fire and wash your shirt. If you must go and chatter to the princess, you shall at least go clean.'"

Mm-hmm. The silly boy took his little ax and his little donkey and went to the forest. He tied the donkey to a tree stump and said, now my darling little donkey, you must wait patiently while I go and get the wood, but I would like the time to pass pleasantly for you. So here is a carrot.

Oh my God, this is giving me Prince Philip from, it's giving me Prince Philip from... It's giving me Sleeping Beauty. Yeah, a little bit. Except I guess the opposite, where he's like telling his horse no carrots. Yeah, exactly. So maybe less, this silly boy is way better than Prince Philip because he's actually giving his little donkey a carrot.

That's so cute. I love it. Munch away at that my little donkey a carrot. That's so cute. I love it. Munch away at that, my little donkey, and be good. The little donkey took the carrot, and the silly boy took his little axe and went on a bit further into the forest where he knew there was a fallen tree that would be easy to chop. And he had only chopped up a few logs when, what did he see but his little donkey trotting merrily past him? What did he see but his little donkey trotting merrily past him? Whoa, way you bad little donkey, he shouted. Didn't I tell you to wait patiently? He ran after the little donkey to catch it.

No carrots. No carrots. So the silly boy is running after the donkey who was trotting merrily on till it came to a great tree with a black door in it. And at that door, the little donkey stood still. The silly boy had just stretched out his hand to catch hold of the bridle when the door swung open and the little donkey went right through it and the silly boy went after the little donkey. I'm seeing things today said the silly boy. What he saw was a staircase going up and up and the little donkey was going up the staircase. So the silly boy went up after it. By and by they came to a great room and the little donkey went

in and the silly boy followed. And he was just going to lay hold of the little donkey when the little donkey disappeared. So there was the silly boy all alone in the great room and he couldn't see any way out of it because the door had disappeared also. At one end of the room was a fire with a cauldron hanging over it. And the cauldron was bubbling and steaming

and the steam had a savory smell. The silly boy lifted the lid and peered into the cauldron, and what did he see? He saw two partridges cooked and ready for eating. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, says he. Definitely not oh-ho. Oh-ho. I like that better, actually. I'm not meant to starve here. And he took one partridge out of the cauldron and slipped into a cupboard beside the fire to eat it.

Safer the bite if out of sight, he said. Nice. I love him. He had eaten all the meat and was sucking the bones when he heard a soft flit flutter, like dozens of little wings beating against something hard. He peeped through a chink in the cupboard and saw nine doves, eight of them black and one of them white come flying

through the wall of the room. Oh, hey. I know. We're gonna finally get some answers. I know. This is like a little anthology almost. I know. Like there's a bunch of different little stories happening all at once.

I like it. Me too, I love the story. The doves settled on the floor and shook their feathers and the white one turned into a handsome young man. Oh, I was rooting for the silly boy and the princess. I mean. I was shipping the silly boy and the princess. I was shipping the silly boy and the princess. That was silly of me.

That was silly of you. You're a silly girl. What about the silly boy and the handsome prince? Maybe a fix. I don't hate it. Well, I'm interested to see what you think by the time we get to the end. Okay. Okay.

Because I have a different fix. The doves settled on the floor, the white one turned into a handsome young man, the eight black ones turned into eight black dragons. So second Kelsey. Fuck second Kelsey. I know. That blows my mind. Quite honestly. Doves turning into dragons, that's so cool. I know. That's so cool. It rules so hard. I wish there was an illustration of that. Oh my God. I know.

I know. But a really unhinged one. As only Robin Jacques can provide. Exactly. Just like tiny, like instead of like cool dragons, they're just tiny, like really weird looking dragons, but they're all small. Chicken sized. And they've got beaks. They would have beaks. Yeah. And then like weird feathered tails or something.

Yes. Oh my goodness, thought the silly boy. I don't know that I much like what I'm seeing today. One dragon is bad enough, but eight? Oh, my goodness. What next, I wonder. Where's my donkey? Where's my donkey? My mom said to come right home. What next was that the dragons went back through the wall and the handsome young man clapped his hands. Then in came a maid with a basin and towel and the handsome young man washed his hands. The maid took the basin and towel away through the wall and came back wheeling a table laid for dinner. Then she went to the cauldron and lifted the lid. Master, she

said, I put two partridges in to cook and now there is only one. Oh, she's going to get in trouble. Exactly. So the silly boy- Now you're dragging food. The silly boy began to tremble. What shall I do? He thought.

But the maid didn't look in the cupboard. She just stood staring into the cauldron and the handsome young man said, never mind, serve it up. It doesn't matter. Oh, he's depressed. He's a sad story. He's a depressive B't matter. He's depressed. He's a sad- He's a depressive Bessie. He's depressive Bessie. Okay. He ate as if it didn't matter either, pushing the food about and sighing between

each mouthful. Oh my God. And the silly boy thought, what a waste. I might as well have eaten both birds for all he cares. The handsome young man clapped his hands again and the maid cleared the dishes off the table and went out with them through the wall. So there was the handsome young man left alone sitting at the table.

And what did he do but take a little lace handkerchief out of his pocket and kiss it and spread it on the table. Then he took a bracelet out of his pocket and he kissed that and then laid it on the handkerchief. And then he took a ring out of his pocket and kissed that and laid it beside the bracelet. And then he began a ring out of his pocket and kissed that and laid it beside the bracelet. And then he began to weep. Oh, what a little bitch.

Little bitch. Shhh. Barf. Barf. Moe, my princess, my princess, he wept. What has become of you? I fly past your tower. I fly through the window.

I fly and I seek you, but I cannot find you." And he laid his head down on the table and sobbed. Waaah! Waaah! I want a princess to play with. He was still sobbing when there came a sound like the beating of flails on iron. He had only just time to jump up and thrust ring, bracelet, and handkerchief into his pocket when the eight black dragons came flying back through the wall. They landed on the floor, blowing fire out of their nostrils. They rattled

their wings and turned into eight black doves. And the young man waved his fingers and turned into a white dove. And then they all flew away through the wall and the silly boy came out of the cupboard. Do we ever find out if him and the black dragons are like cool? Are those like his key? Yes. Okay. You'll find out. Okay.

Okay. I'm dying to know. I want them to be friends, but I feel like that's probably not. Okay, fine. Like I said, I've got to be friends, but I feel like that's probably not. Okay, fine. Like I said, I've got a fix for the story. Hell yeah. Okay. Okay, so the silly boy comes out of the cupboard. I'm not liking this at all, said he.

What next, I wonder. And what next was that a door opened in the wall and his little donkey was standing in the opened in the wall and his little donkey was standing in the doorway. Oh, my darling little donkey, cried the silly boy and he ran over to it. And the little donkey turned and went down the staircase and the silly boy went after it. And when they got to the bottom, the black door in the tree was shut against them. But the little donkey pushed it with his nose, and the door opened and they went through. And there they were standing in the forest again. They went to the place where the logs were lying and the silly boy took his little axe,

chopped up a few more. And then he looked up and he couldn't see his little donkey anywhere. Oh, it's a fucking donkey. I know. So he put the logs in a sack and started to walk home. And when he came to the tree stump, there was his little donkey tied up to it and lipping the ground for an end of carrot that he had let fall. Cute. So cute. The silly boy flung his arms around the little donkey's neck and kissed its nose. Oh, my darling, clever little donkey, he cried. I tied you up and you got loose by yourself and tied yourself up again, all to save me

the trouble." All right. All right. He's adorable. He got on his little donkey's back and he rode home. He had a fine tale to tell his mother, but she didn't believe a word of it. She lit a fire, got the water mother, but she didn't believe a word of it. She lit a fire, got the water hot, and washed and dried his shirt. The silly boy washed his

face. He didn't want to, but his mother made him. Then with a clean face and wearing his clean shirt, he ran off to talk to the princess. The princess was standing at the garden gate and she asked the silly boy as she asked everyone if he had seen a ring, a bracelet, and a handkerchief. He's like, holy shit, you know what? I have. That's crazy that you'd ask. That's crazy. Yes, I've seen them, said the silly boy. When, where, cried the princess. So, the silly boy told the princess all the strange things that had happened and the princess believed him though his mother hadn't. Take me there, said the princess. No, said the silly boy. Why not? said the princess. Well, the silly boy didn't know why not. He just didn't want to take her. He wasn't used to walking about with princesses.

Oh, he's all nervous. He's nervous about it, yeah. All right. So I'm imagining the silly boy is more like 10. I think he's much, much younger. He's a baby. He's a little baby. And I think the handsome young man and the princess are teenagers. Yeah, okay. The princess begged him very prettily.

Oh, sorry, I missed a line. Now that he had seen her, he wanted to go home. He's like, yeah, I'm good. He's like, okay, I saw the princess. Cool. I wonder what's for dinner. But the princess begged him very prettily. She picked a flower and she put it in his buttonhole and she told him what a fine fellow

he was. What are you laughing about? I love putting flowers in buttonholes. I know you do. I think I texted you. This is way before the podcast. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it on the podcast. But every time I read buttonhole, I see the word butthole and I die. I die laughing. It's my favorite.

Didn't you put a flower in his buttonhole? In his butthole? She put it where now? Every time. Oh, that tickles me so much because I do think about that now every time I see the word buttonhole. The first time I read that in a story, I texted you and I was like, Abby. I remember. If my brain would not- It actually was from A Choice of Magic. I don't remember what story, but it was after I gave you the book and you're like, like, why is she putting stuff in his butthole? Like, where's him? How many times did I have to read this before I read it correctly?

More times than you should have. Yep. Yep. My brain just could not see. Okay, anyway. Okay. So she put a flower in the hole in his shirt. That's cute. It is cute. It's very cute. She told him what a fine fellow he was and she flattered him till he was all one big grin and he said, Oh, all right, come on then.

Easily manipulated. So easily manipulated. He's a silly boy. He took her to the black door in the tree and the door opened for them and they went up the staircase into the big room. The silly boy and the princess hid in the cupboard and everything happened as it had happened before. Except that when the handsome young man sat sobbing with his head on the table, the princess came out of the cupboard and ran to him and said, Don't cry anymore. I'm here. Well, it wasn't many minutes after that before they were telling each other all about themselves. The handsome young man told the princess that he had loved her from the first moment he had seen her when he flew

into her glass tower in the shape of a dove. He told her also that he was a prince whom the eight dragons had stolen out of his cradle. He told her that they had tried to turn him into a dragon because they wanted a son, but they could not turn him into a dragon. Try as they would. All they could do was change him into a dove. So while way cooler. Yeah, I know it would be way cooler, but the dragons couldn't do it. Like they know that would be cooler. Yeah, I know. It would be way cooler, but the dragons couldn't do it. They know that would be cooler. They just couldn't figure out how to make it happen. Aw, and I like it so that it's eight dragons

want to adopt a son. I know, isn't that cute? Eight dragons and a baby. 10 out of 10 will watch that movie. 10 out of 10. So whilst they went in their dragon's shapes, he was still a prince. But when they changed into the shape of black doves, he changed into a dove also, a white one, because he's good and they're bad.

Yeah. Boom. Boom. And how can I ask the hand of a princess, even though I love her with my whole soul, he said, when half my time I am a dove and only half my time a prince. I feel like that could work out. Right? Why not? The princess smiled. A dove can be loved also, she said, but come now whilst you are still a prince and before

the dragons return, let us escape from this place." So they took each other by the hand and ran through the wall, which melted like mist before them, and the silly boy jumped out of the cupboard and ran after them, because the princess totally forgot he was there. 100%. She does not give a fuck about that silly boy. She does not. He ran home stammering out to his mother a tale she didn't believe, but the Princess and the Prince ran on till they came to the glass tower, and they ran into the tower, and for a time they were safe. By and by, the eight black dragons came back into the

room inside the tree and alighted on the floor and changed themselves into black doves. The Princess was sitting in a low chair in her room at the top of the tower and the prince was sitting at her feet with his head on her knee. He was telling her all over again how much he loved her when suddenly he was silent. The princess looked down and there on her knee was a little white dove looking up into her face with tears in its eyes. Oh, man, he's so emotional. He cries a lot.

Geez. Oh, darling, my darling, said the princess, don't cry. I'm here with you still. And she took the dove in her hands and ran with it to the king and told him the whole story and said that the dove and no one else must be her husband. I love this. Me too. How's daddy going to react? This is a very astonishing and awkward thing, said the king, that you should want to marry a dove. You know what? That's true. But also, a dove's a very safe option for his daughter to marry. Absolutely. The dove could not possibly hurt her. He isn't always a dove, she said. You will see by and by. I love that. Meanwhile, the eight black doves were flying around and around the tower,

but the glass had been mended and they couldn't get in. So they turned into dragons again and flew away, and the white dove turned into a handsome prince. Yeah. And when the king saw the prince, he said, yes, I see. There is some sense in what you say, my daughter. That's so good. Okay. I see. Yes. he is not always a dove. Okay. Also, why couldn't they turn into dragons and then destroy the tower as dragons? I'm still imagining them as tiny, tiny dragons.

I think the evidence grows by the day. Tiny half dragon, half pigeons. Yeah. You are building your case minute by minute here, but these are actually very small. Which is still very cute. Which is still great. Let me adopt the dragons. Okay, I'm so excited to hear your fix. It'd make the story so much better. I'm so excited.

Okay. Okay, so the king says, oh, okay, I get it. I'm so excited. So the king says, oh, okay, I get it. But it is all still very awkward. However, the two of you had better get married at once while the bridegroom is still presentable. I had to save that phase. So they were married. But it is a wearisome thing to be cooped up forever in a glass tower and one day the prince said, let us go out and walk in the garden, even if it is only for half an hour. So, they went out to walk in the garden, but they hadn't been walking

for 10 minutes when the eight black doves flew by and the prince turned into a white dove and flew after them. The princess ran to her father, build me a house, she said, and let it be surrounded on all sides by a high iron wall and let there be only one gate in the wall and let that gate be of solid iron too. Okay. Yeah. Okay. She's got a plan.

I feel like the fact that the prince flew away because he it's not like he had to fly away Hmm, but maybe he was like, oh this bitch is like, oh, this is like, oh this is boring Boring like oh, oh no We're just gonna live in this glass tower And then her solution is to for like more, obviously a much safer. She's smarter than her father. At least it's iron, like I mentioned previously. She's way smarter and way more just generally more curious. She has more questions about the world.

Okay. Amy, the king built this house for her and the princess took a little serving maid with her and went to live there. And the princess sent her serving maid to the silly boy with a letter and a message bidding him take the letter to the room inside the tree and deliver it to the prince. And said the silly boy, I won't go there. But the serving maid gave him a kiss and he grinned and said, give me two more kisses and I'll go. Oh, okay. Cute.

The serving maid gave him two more kisses and the silly boy went with the letter to the door in the tree and up the long staircase and into the room. He hid in the cupboard and waited for the doves to come. And when the white dove had changed into a prince and the black doves had changed into dragons and the prince was alone. The silly boy came out of the cupboard and gave the prince the letter. The prince kissed the letter and read it and said to the silly boy, tell the princess I will do what she says. And the silly boy relays the message to the princess and the princess waited and watched.

Then one day, the nine doves came flying around the little house with the iron fence and the white dove flew in front of the others. And when he flew up to the iron gate, the princess and her maid opened it and the white dove flew in and immediately the princess and her maid clanged the gate shut. And the eight black doves flew at the gate, beating it with their wings, but they could not get in for the gate was made of one piece of solid iron. So the eight black doves turned into eight black dragons and battered and bit and clawed at the gate. But the gates did firm. I think they must be very small because like eight full sized dragons would have been able to tear that shit down. Maybe also it's a gate. Right. Can't they just fly over it? You would think. Maybe they can't fly in their dragon forms. Like, oh my god, okay,

Kelsey, these are classic Robin Jacques dragons in the sense that they have very large bodies and teeny tiny wings that can't actually make them fly anywhere. But when they're doves that can fly again, just fly over as doves and then turn into dragons. You are using far too much logic. And also they couldn't penetrate the glass, so why is this any diff... Okay. Stop using your brain. Turn that shit off right now.

Yes, ma'am. Be like the king and stop thinking about it. Make stupid choices. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so they can't get in regardless of the reason. In their rage, they burst and that was the end of them. What? No.

I know. I know. It's not, it's, you know, we're going to fix it. They exploded. We're going to fix it. They exploded. Oh, no. I know.

That's so sad. It's very sad. Oh, no. The princess looked around smiling to greet her prince, but what did she see? So sad. It's very sad. The princess looked around smiling to greet her prince, but what did she see? No prince, but a white dove fallen on the bed and struggling and gasping for breath. Yeah, she just killed his eight daddies. I know.

For the eight dragons, before they flew out, as eight black doves had stuck three pins through the feathers on the white dove's head, and until these pins were pulled out, it could not change back into a man. The dove was panting, its wings were fluttering very feebly, its eyes were shut, and it seemed to be dying. The princess took it up in her hands and wept over it. Oh, my darling, if you must die, I will die too, she said, and she kissed its head. But when she kissed its head, her lips touched something very hard and sharp.

It was a pin and she pulled it out. And the dove opened its eyes. She kissed its head again and felt another pin and pulled that out and the dove cooed. And she kissed its head a third time and her lips touched the third pin and she pulled that out and the dove vanished and there was the prince. He took her in his arms and said, Now we are free forevermore. And they went back hand in hand to the king's palace. And the king pulled down the glass tower and sent for the silly boy to reward him. Oh, I love that they keep bringing that character back. That's fun.

Me too. I'm glad that the silly boy is a main character. Uh-huh. Choose whatever you like, said the king to the silly boy. And the silly boy thought for a long time. And then he said, I would like a pretty apron for my mother. Oh, that's so sweet. I know. He's so sweet. You shall have a pretty apron for your mother, said the king. That's not enough.

Choose something else. Oh, yeah. That's perfect. That's a great reaction. Okay. Choose something else. Ask your mom a pretty apron. Is there something else you want?

That's so cute. The silly boy thought for another long time and then he said, I would like half a bucket of oats for my dear little donkey. That's what I was thinking that he was going to get something for his donkey. That's amazing. It's a great donkey. What is silly about this boy? There is nothing silly about him.

You mean sweet? You mean this sweet boy? Uh-huh. This sweet, perfect boy. Your little donkey shall have its oats, said the king, but choose something for yourself now, something really costly and splendid. The silly boy thought and thought, and then he grinned and said, I should like a silver feather to wear in my hat. Oh, cute. So cute. And since he couldn't think of anything else he wanted, he got his silver feather. He stuck it in his hat and went home and showed it to his mother. You think I tell lies,

mother, he said. But this feather is no lie. And he walked about as proudly as if the king had set a gold crown on his head. The end. Oh, that was like a story about the silly boy and not... I know, the silly boy was actually the main character. I like that that's where it ends. Me too, me too. Oh my gosh, like I love the ending. I think it's so fucking cute.

That's so cute. So sweet. So sweet. I have a couple fixes love the ending. I think it's so fucking cute. That's so cute. So sweet. So sweet. I have a couple fixes for the story. I'm dying to know. They all center mostly around the fact that I think that the story would be vastly improved if the eight black dragons were like actual dads to the prince. And like they could turn him into a dragon too. And that they fly, he flies past the window

and he sees the princess in there and he really wants to marry her. And so then his dads's helped devise a way to get him her hand in marriage. But you know, they're like, we're still dragons and they're still evil. So they want to do it through a lot of trickery. Yes, absolutely. But they but like, they're super evil, but they love this kid, like, this is their son, they love this kid. Like this is their son. They adore this child. Yeah, I love that.

Me too. And then the princess still marries the prince, but then they can turn her into a dragon too, obviously. And then they're like this awesome dragon family is the obvious fix for the story. 10 out of 10 fix. I love that. That is what the story needs. Me too. I'm sure the silly boy is still involved somehow in their- They're tricking him.

Timelessly. They're tricking the little boy to bring the two of them together. I don't know. The princess and the prince become dragons and fly away together. Then the king makes the silly boy his son or whatever and they live in the palace together. That's the end. Perfect. That's so cute. I love that. I know. I love this story. I've loved it since I was a silly girl. So I wanted to read it to you. It's so good. I'm glad you chose that one. That's such a classic.

It's so cute. I love that it had side characters. Me too. Like, I love it. And I do genuinely like as much as like the romance subplot, I don't love as much just because like I think the prince is sort of like a whiny little bitch who can't get him. He like he doesn't really have a thought in his brain outside of girl pretty. Me want girl, sad can't have girl. Yeah. Because at least the princess, because I always liked the princess too. I like that she's curious.

I like that she's kind of impetuous and impulsive and comes up with a plan. She comes up with an actual plan. Like a couple plans. To get him out of this situation. Yeah. Like, yeah. So I've always, I've liked the, I always liked the princess. I always liked the silly boy. I like that the silly boy like wants a pretty apron for his mother and he wants oats for his donkey.

That's all he can really think of. He's a total Ivan. He's a total Ivan. Yeah. I think the only thing I would add to your fix is they learn some sort of a lesson or like the king and the princess and the prince all learn some sort of lesson about freedom and like being able to go outside and take risks and like living life in danger because oh There's never any kind of repercussion for her living in a glass tower. And then she just builds like an even more like stronghold.

Restrictive space. Yeah. So that kind of doesn't make any sense to me. That's the only thing that I feel like is missing. No, absolutely. Like if there's a more explicit lesson about having experiences being important to making you a whole person. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Sheltering your kids will not, in fact, make their lives better. Yep. Yep. I like that. I think that's great. Okay.

I don't have a specific idea for it at this juncture, but... We'll keep workshopping it and we'll put it in our book eventually. Exactly. Oh, that was adorable. I loved it. I thought you liked that. And I got two points, no talking cat. You did get two points.

Unfortunately, no talking cat, but you did nail it on the first two. It had a very wide, like six swans. I mean, that's the only reason I had that in my head was because of the wild swans. I feel like there's another one where birds are like a princess's brothers or something. Usually, if there are a lot of birds, they're not actually birds. That's all. Right. It's almost never actually birds. But I do like that in this case, fun variation, they're dragons. I do love that I almost guessed that, but I was like, I don't think that's what's going

to happen. You were so, I honestly was like, I was a little stunned. I was like, oh my God, she already guessed the story. I was honestly thinking what was going to happen was there would be like a dragon, like this would be the story in a book of dragons where there's a dragon in one scene and then never mentioned again. That's what I thought was going to happen. Fair. Which is still better than no dragon.

Still better than no dragon, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, these dragons don't talk. That's kind of like why my fix for the story is having them more involved. Definitely. With schemes. Yeah, they're like the tricky adoptive barons. Yeah, exactly. They actually saved him from, I don't know, an evil.

A life of mediocrity and being boring. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. What story do you have for me? Well, I had a couple picked out because they were a little shorter, but I'm going to read the first one and see where we're at. So I chose, since I mentioned last episode, something about the old North Wind.

Oh, yeah. OK. I am reading out of Easto the sun, Westo the moon. Fuck yeah. Hit me. My story today is the lad who went to the North Moon. Or sorry. The North Moon?

What's wrong with me? What other moons are there? I have not had very much wine. I'm just throwing up there. I believe you. The lad who went to the North Wind. Amazing. Okay. So you're going to tell me more about how the North Wind is actually an asshole?

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Because you were telling me that I should stop over-empathizing with all of the winter things. Well, then I'll let you make predictions and then I'll tell you the story. Okay. All right. We'll see. Okay.

My prediction number one, the North wind is not an asshole. Not an asshole. Not an asshole. Okay. The North Wind blew something away, swept it away. Blew something away. Excellent prediction. The North Wind is grumpy.

The North Wind is grumpy. The North Wind is grumpy. You know, there's a distinct difference between being grumpy and being an asshole. Absolutely. Absolutely. You can be a grump without being an asshole. I love that. Yeah. All right.

This is the lad who went to the north wind. Once upon a time, there was an old widow who had one son, and as she was poorly and weak, her son had to go up into the safe to fetch a meal for cooking. But when he got outside the safe and was just going down the steps, there came the north wind, puffing and blowing, caught up the meal and so away with it through the air. Then the lead went back into the safe for more, but when he came out again on the footsteps, if the north wind didn't again carry off that meal with a puff, and more than that he did sew the third time. As this lad got very angry and as he thought it hard that the North Wind should behave so, he thought he'd just look him up and ask him to give up his meal.

Seemed sensible. Yeah, just like, hey, what the hell, man? I don't know if you're aware, but you kind of stole all my food. So off he went, but the way was long and he walked and walked, but at last he came to the Northwind's house. Good day, said the lad. Thank you for coming to see us yesterday. Good day, answered the Northwind for his voice was loud and gruff. Amazing. This is in all caps, by theuff. Uh-huh. Amazing. This is in all caps, by the way. I love it.

Good day, and thanks for coming to see me. What do you want? I do love that the boy is approaching it from an angle of like, thank you so much for your visit yesterday. I go, hey, thanks. Hey. Yesterday? Mm-hmm. I go, hey, thanks. Hey, so you did blow away all my food. I'm going to keep reading from the book in that case.

Okay. Okay. Oh, answered the lad, I only wish to ask you to be so good as to let me have back the meal that you took from me on the safe steps for we haven't much to live on. And if you're going to go snapping up the morsel we have, there'll be nothing for it but to starve." I haven't got your meal, said the North Wind. But if you are in such need, I'll give you a cloth which will get you everything you want. If you only say cloth, spread yourself and serve up all good dishes. Ooh, okay. I love a magic cooking cloth.

Hell yes. And also pretty generous gift. Pretty generous. Yeah, the North wind's like, you know, I don't know what you're talking about, but I have this thing that might help. Yeah, it's just kind of gathering dust in the corner over there. With this, the lad was well content. But as the way was so long, he couldn't get home in one day, so he had to turn into an inn on the way back.

And when they were going to sit down to supper, he laid the cloth on a table which stood in the corner and said, Oh, nope, don't show it to other people.oth, spread yourself and serve up all kinds of good dishes. He had scarce said so before the cloth did as it was bid, and all who stood by thought it was a fine thing. The most of all, the landlady. I'm sure she didn't think it was a fine thing. Mm-hmm. So what do you think she did do?

I think she waits until he falls asleep, and then she steals it from him. So when they were all fast asleep and the dead of night, she took the lad's cloth and put another in its stead, just like the one he had got from the North Wind. Ooh, pulling a switcheroo is clever. Oh yeah, she's very clever. But which couldn't so much serve up a bit of dry bread.

So when the lad woke, he took his cloth and went off with it. And that day he got home to his mother. Now, he said, I've been to the North Wind's house, and a good fellow he is, for he gave me this old cloth. And when I only say to it, cloth, spread yourself and serve up all kind of good dishes. I get any sort of food that I please." All very true, I dare say, said his mother.

But seeing is believing, and I shan't believe it till I see it. Yeah. So the lad made haste, drew out a table, laid the cloth on it and said, cloth, spread yourself and serve up all kind of good dishes. But never a bit of dry bread did the cloth serve up. And his mom has been alone for like at least two days. Uh-huh. Yup. I mean, two days to get there, two days to get back. Yeah.

Aw. Now she still doesn't have any goddamn food. Times is hard. Times is hard. Well, she's going to have to start making people into pies. Yes, she is. Who says she isn't already? What do you think their last meal was?

Nope. Well. Who says she isn't already? What do you think their last meal was? Well, well. Well, said the lad, there's no help for it but to go to the North Wind again and away he went. So he came to where the North Wind lived late in the afternoon. Good evening, said the lad. Good evening, said the North Wind. I love it. I want my rights for that meal of ours, which you took, said the North Wind. I love it. I want my rights for that meal of ours, which you

took, said the lad. But as for that cloth I got, it isn't worth a penny. I've got no meal, said the North Wind. Beyonder you have a ram which coins nothing but gold, do get as soon as you say to it. Ram, ram, make money. So the lad thought this was- Oh my God, the dream. make money. So the last thought is, oh my God, the dream. I mean, hell yeah. And he's just like, well, I've got this thing. Will that help you, mere mortal? Sure. The North Wind is a fake creature. Absolutely. It's like, as long as you address me respectfully, you can have my money printing machine.

It looks like a ram. Yes. That looks like a ram. Yes, that looks like a ram. It poops out gold coins, which is great. The lad thought this a fine thing, but as it was too far to get home that day, he turned in for the night to the same inn where he'd slept before. Before he called for anything, he tried the truth of what the North Wind had said of the ram and found it all right, but the landlord saw that. He thought it was a famous ram, and when the lad had fallen asleep, he took another which couldn't coin gold ducats and changed the two. Next

morning off went the lad, and when he got home to his mother, he said, "'After all, the North Wind is a jolly fellow. For now he's given me a ram, which can coin gold ducats if I only say, Ram ram, make money.' "'All very true, I dare say,' said his mother, but I shan't leave any stuff until I see the ducats made. "'Ram ram, make money, said the lad. But if the ram made anything, it wasn't money.

It was poop. Cool. You brought me home a chore. That's nice. Great. I love it. I love it. So the lad went back again to the North Wind and blew him up and said that the ram was worth nothing and he must have his rights for the meal. Well, said the North Wind, I've nothing else to give you but that old stick in corner yonder,

but it's a stick of that kind if you say, stick, stick, lay on. It lays on till you say, stick, stick, lay on. It lays on till you say, stick, stick, now stop. Does lay on mean beat up? Mm-hmm. Yes, it does. Okay, okay. I have nothing else to give you but this old whoop-ass stick.

Whoop-ass. Whoop-ass. Can you think of anyone who needs a can of whoop-ass opened on that? Sure do. Sure can. So as the way was long, the lad turned in this night to the landlord. But as he could pretty well guess how things stood as to the cloth and the ram, he laid down once on the bench and began to snore as if he were asleep. I'm glad he finally like, he put it together. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You never trust a landlord. Don't trust a landlord, ever. Don't show other people your nice things. No. Now the landlord who easily thought that the stick must be worth something hunted up which one was like it and when he heard the lad snore, was going to change the two. But just as the lad lord was about to take it, the lad bawled out, stick, stick, lay

on. So the stick began to beat the landlord until he jumped over the chairs and tables and benches and yelled and roared, Oh my, oh my, bid the stick be still, else it will beat me to death and you shall have back your cloth and your ram. Now I can also have back my cloth and my ram and let it beat you to death. When the lad thought the landlord had got enough,

he said, stick, stick, now stop. Then he took the cloth and put it into his pocket and went home with a stick in his hand, leading the ram by the cord round its horns. And so he got his rights for the meal he had lost. The end. Aw. So the old North Wind was absolutely not an asshole.

He was a pretty chill dude. He was a pretty chill dude. He was a pretty chill dude. He wasn't even grumpy. So pretty generous. Just like, Hey, you know what? I don't know what you're talking about, but I got this. I got this. Will that fix it? Will that make it better? Like, so you got two points. He was not an asshole. He definitely blew something away, but the Northman was not very, I don't think he was grumpy. Nope. He was not an asshole. He definitely blew something away, but the North Wind was not very... I don't think he was grumpy. Nope. He was super friendly. He was like, oh, hey, thanks for visiting. I think that's the story I was thinking of when I mentioned last week. I feel like we've

seen the North Wind as a character in multiple stories though. Definitely in that book too. Like, you see the sun west of the moon, doesn't she ride like various winds about to the end of the earth or something? Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was thinking about. But even then the North Wind was pretty cool. I don't know why it was also pretty chill.

Probably from Over the Garden Wall, the old North Wind comes in and he's like, I don't know, he's not a good character. Okay. Was he kind of grouchy? Yeah, totally was. Super grouchy. This is Old North Wind, Slander. Yeah, Old North Wind, Slander. Come on over the Garden Wall. Get it together. Yeah, seriously. You have it out for the Old North Wind for some fucking reason.

You know what? I will allow it though because the song that comes with Old North Wind is so good. I do have one fixed for your story. And that is that at the end, because I feel like I need the resolution of his mom getting dinner. That's a perfect fix. And they imply it, but I need them to close the loop here where he spreads the cloth and she actually gets to eat because I'm very worried about her. Hell yeah. You know what? I love that. That's a perfect ending. He goes home to his mother and then he shows her the cloth and the ram and then they live happily ever after. And they live happily ever after and they both become like fabulously wealthy and spread

the love around to all of the other people in the village. That's what I want. And they become good friends with the North Wind and the North Wind's like, hey, what up? How are those things working out? Oh, good. Oh, good. I'm glad you like them. And maybe he repays the North Wind somehow. Oh, that's cute. Oh, maybe like sequel, The North Wind needs a favor. Oh, yeah, that'd be a good one. The North Wind needs to beat up his landlady. It's like, damn, I gave my whoop ass stick to that kid. I love magic stuff that beats people up too.

Me too. In fairy tales, like the bottle hill story. Yes. Where like two guys come out of the bottle and just beat the shit out of the guy who stole it. Just beat the shit out of the guys. And wasn't it like the original bottle was like, it also like spread like put out a nice spread. Yep. So good. One, we are going to close this loop now by thanking you for listening to Fairy Tale Fix. We really appreciate you. Please remember to rate,

review, and subscribe. It helps our little indie podcast a ton when you rate the show on Apple and Spotify. This encourages the almighty algorithm to actually recommend our show to other people, so it's super helpful. We really appreciate it if you would do that. If you leave us a review, it can be as little as one word. One word or phrase from this episode would be whether or not you think the North Wind is an asshole. The answer is no, but you can make your argument if you want. Yeah. If you want to support us even more and get bonus episode stickers, other fun content, you can check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash fairy tale fix pod. FYI, until January, we are going to be donating… Is it until January or until February? Did we say two months or three months? Three months. So it's November, December, and January.

And January. So for November, December, and January, we will be donating all of our Patreon funds to organizations that actually support people and do community building and actually protect people. For December, we are, for our November Patreon funds, we are donating to the ACLU. And we will also be putting up a poll in our Patreon to get our supporters ideas for where they would like us to do the donation for December and January. So if you want to get in on that, head on over to patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod. Otherwise, you can find us on Instagram, Facebook, sometimes TikTok at fairy tale fix pod. We post fairy tale art clips in the show, important updates, other cool stuff. And we appreciate all of y'all for listening. And so in the

nine doves, the eight black dragons are super cool dads, still evil, still very evil dragons, but they are very good dads who really- Fun evil. They are fun evil. And they really, really love this prince that they have adopted and the prince really loves them and they can turn him into a dragon actually because that's cooler. And when the prince falls in love with the princess, he and his eight evil dragon dads scheme ways to get the princess to marry him.

But she's really cool with it because she's also kind of like curious and fierce and a little evil. And then they get married and she becomes a dragon too. Oh, and there's a more explicit metaphor about how sheltering your children doesn't actually keep them safe. Yeah, ooh, maybe that's the metaphor is that she becomes evil because of it.

Ooh, I love that. Okay, yes, that's it. And in the lad who went to the old North Wind, the young lad goes home after beating the landlady with a stick with all of his great stuff and shows to his mother all his magic findings and lays out the cloth and she gets a grand meal and they are full and happy. And then in the sequel, the Old North Wind needs a favor and they become good friends and go on fantastic adventures together.

Fuck, that is such a good fix to the story. I love it so much. And they all live happily ever after. Happily ever after. The end. The end.