Fairy Tale Fix - PATREON PREVIEW Bonus Episode 12: Good For Him

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

In this special Patreon preview, Abbie & Kelsey pick a couple of random fairy tales to read, and boy do these stories deliver! Kelsey discovers an incredible tale about an unreasonably confident man who has ALL the audacity in The Brave Little Tailor. Abbie brings the mood way down with Children of Famine, then way, WAY back up again when she reads The Ungrateful Son.

Hello, listeners. This is Abby. And Kelsey. And this is the Fairy Tail Fix bonus episode summer release to the general feed. Yeah, I don't know. That's the official title. That's the official title. It's very long. It's long and it's not catchy, but also we're on summer break. So I don't have to use my brain if I don't want to.

We are hoping that you are having the most Greta Gremlin summer ever. Absolutely, because we are. And just soaking up all the sun. It was just summer solstice when we're recording this. It's beautiful out, it's toasty, you know, go make some mischief. That's what Greta Gremlin summer is really all about. We have been spending this time being both literally

and figuratively hot. Super hot. Decentering men, planning our internal revolutions. Yep. Just getting as big and beautiful as possible. Absolutely. You're the star. You're the star of the summer.

You're the star. That's what Greta Garman's summer is all about. Yes. Star of the summer. Wear that leopard print mini skirt. Absolutely. Do it. Just do it. Put on that lipstick, make your hair as big as possible.

Take up as much space as possible. Yes. Yep. Be huge. Be Greta. Be Greta. Be Greta Gremlin. It's G2, y'all. It's G2, y'all. This episode, I'm really excited that our page,

so we did a little poll with our patrons and we picked some bonus episodes and we're like, which ones do you think we should release? Which ones do you think are the creme de la creme? And I'm so excited that our patrons picked this one as one of them. This episode features the brave little Taylor. A fucking just banger of a story if there ever was one.

Iconic. Iconic. It also features. That guy was having a Greta Gremlin summer, to be sure. Yes. That guy lived his Greta Gremlin summer. He really did. And took it way too far. And took it way too far.

It took it way too far. Literally, that's the name of the episode. It's good for him. It's good for him. And then I don't know if, did you re-listen to this episode? I didn't. I'm going to re-listen to it with the rest of our listeners so that if anybody has thoughts and they want to post it to

the Discord, I've got it fresh in my mind. I love that. Because do you remember reading? This one also contains Children of Famine. But then thankfully it ends with a random reading of The Grateful Son, which is one of my absolute favorite fairy tales of all time. A very important story. It is the most, it's probably the most important fairy tale actually. I think it's the most important fairy tale we've ever read. And we read both of these. These are cold readings, so we didn't know them beforehand,

and it was very, very fun. It was a great, it was a grand old time. We'll let you hear it for yourself. But Kelsey, I'm thinking we should thank our patrons by name on this episode, since we haven't done that for a while, and they've also been very generous to allow us to post these outside of the paywall that they have generously been paying for. So did we thank Bea Atlekinan at any point? No, we have a new patron. We've got a new patron. Wow. We're so sorry, Bea. Should we thank them right now? We're going to thank them right now. Bea, thank you so much for joining our Patreon.

Hell yeah. We really appreciate you. You're our new favorite because you're new. I haven't even sent out a thank you sticker yet, so it's coming. Kelsey is getting on it. That is what is happening. Yeah, super on it. So thank you very much to Bee for joining our Patreon. We really appreciate you. And thank you to everyone who has been supporting us. So that would be Natalie, Carrie, Candice, Charlotte, Violet, Tyler, Jackie, Linda, Velroo, Cory, Katie. No, wait, it's not Cory.

Cory is the husband. It's Cory's bride, wait. It's not Cory. Cory is the husband. It's Cory's bride, Kitty. Cory's bride. I love that. We have to keep that in. I am going to keep that in. I'm keeping it in. Thank you, Kitty. We love you. So much. I love that you said Cory's bride. I've been reading. I'm back on my Jane Austen bullshit. Jessica, Tamara, Tabitha, Tish, Giselle, our fairy overlord, all hail woo-woo sirens, airhorns.

I've got to find my mini airhorn. I know where's your little mini airhorn. I think I took it to work so that I could open meetings with it when I want people to find my mini air horn, but in the meantime, I think I took it to work so that I could open meetings with it when I want to shut up. It's more important there. I feel like you need more hype there than here because I've got to hype people up because nobody wants to listen to me. Matthew Laura Tamra, Brittany, Michelle, Julie. That's my aunt, Aunt Julie. Yay, Aunt Julie.

Fern, Shante, Sarah, Hannah, Nick, Olivia, Melissa, Sonia, Donna, Ellie, our beloved Caroline. Oh, Caroline. Smooches. She's mighty fine. She is mighty fine. Jordan, Jeremy, Lisa, my beauteous sibling, the most gracious creature who was ever adained to grace the earth with their presence, Madeline.

Which was yesterday. Which was yesterday as the anniversary of said gracing us with their presence. Happy birthday, Maddie, and happy Labor Day to Cynthia, who was also a patron. Pfft. Labor Day. One of my coworkers gave me that. Kaylee, Zach, Kelsey, Dami, Christopher Otto, Jen, Adam, and Noah.

Thank you all so much. Is that all of them? That's all of them. Oh, my Noah. Thank you all so much. That's all of them. Oh my gosh, there are so many beautiful people. That's a lot of people. That's a lot of wonderful, beautiful people and we appreciate you. We love you.

Thank you. It's kind of humbling to read through the list. Again, like we haven't actually like read everybody's name out loud in a while. And wow, you guys. Aw. You're so generous and you're very generous to let us post this episode, which we will do right now.

Yep. Thank you. Okay, bye. Goodbye. No, no. She has to kill her children. It's the only way. Clearly. Hello to our beautiful patrons.

Beautiful, beautiful patrons who we love so much and appreciate so deeply. The people who make doing this possible at all. If you weren't already aware, this is Fairy Tale Fix. Yeah. You know who we are. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. We are here to tell you some delightful stories today. That we don't know yet. Yeah. I'm especially excited because we were talking last night and we still hadn't picked

our fairy tales and we were like, let's just do a random reading. Absolutely. An excellent default for when life is kind of crazy. Yes, and it has been really crazy this month. I am excited for things to slow down, hopefully. I'm hoping that happens. Yeah, that theoretically happens at some point in mid-spring. Right?

Yeah, totally. Lots of things going on. I actually am really excited when this comes out. I will be in Solvang, California. Yeah. I will be getting my Danish on and checking out the Hans Christian Andersen Museum and yeah, doing all sorts of fun stuff. Wait, where in California is Solvang? Because I had literally never heard of it until you mentioned it last night.

It's like in the middle of California. It actually might be more Southern California. And it's just basically like a giant Danish village. It's really cute. All the buildings and stuff are styled like it's in Denmark and they have a Hans Christian Andersen Museum. They do a bunch of like Danish foods. And I've never actually gotten to stay the night before. I've only just passed through like during the day. So I'm really excited to actually get to like spend some time and hang out and eat all the food and go to all the museums and drink all the aquavit I can. How long are you going to be there?

Just one day. You're going to stay at like a cute little Danish style hotel? I think so. Yeah, I'm so stoked. I'm very excited to see the pictures. Yeah, I'll probably be posting lots of stories on my Instagram. So if you want to see those, go check out my personal Instagram. I might throw a couple up on a fairy tale fix but excited. It's like the first vacation I have been going on. We're also going to

like the beach and stuff. We're just doing like a whole California trip. We're going to drive all the way down to like Pismo Beach and then slowly drive back up. I love that. I love that that's something that you and Adam do on a regular basis is just drive the California coastline. Yeah, it's our favorite. It's always so much fun. It's a really cool trip. Yeah. I really, really need a vacation.

Yeah, you do. So stoked. Oh, somebody needs a break in the worst way. Soon. We have very happy news. It's super exciting. We have two new Patreon members. Woohoo! Woohoo! This hasn't happened in a few months, so we're very excited. And we're just incredibly grateful that people continue to join our little Patreon team. So thank you very much to Sonja and Melissa for joining the team. We really appreciate you,

and we're so happy and delighted you're here. You are joining the ranks of Ellie, Caroline, Jordan, Jeremy, Lisa, Madeline, Kaylee, Zach, Kelsey, Dami, Christopher, Jen, Julia, Adam, Noah, Ricky, Elizabeth, Cynthia, Bill, and Angel. They're a great group of people and you should definitely join our Discord and hang out with them all the time because they're the best people on the planet. Thank you so much for joining our Patreon. It's very exciting, which actually reminds me, there's also some exciting news in the Ruth Manning Sanders friend. A Book of Mermaids with the original illustrations from Raman Jock is also out this month. It's been out, I think, since the 10th. So definitely check out your

local bookstore, your local Barnes and Noble. I think the books are also available on Amazon, but they are absolutely beautiful and we're so stoked that they're being re-released. Yeah, yeah. And maybe we can guess this is actually all Melissa's doing, our newest patron, that she's actually been taking these beloved fairy tale collections and getting them reprinted. And reach out and correct us if we're wrong, but it seems like you've recently gotten the rights to actually being able to reprint them with the original artwork, which is so cool and such a worthwhile thing to do. Just so grateful you're around, Melissa. You're doing great work. Much appreciated. Thank you for being in the

universe. We appreciate it so much. If you don't have any other news, do you want to just get right into it? Yeah, we can just dive right into it, I think, today. You've already gotten all my news from yesterday about how escape rooms make me feel dumb, but I want to do more. And that's really it. That's all I've got going on right now. Escape rooms really sound like intense. I don't know if I would enjoy that or not, but I'm glad you dipped your toes.

Abby did her first escape room yesterday. Yes, I did. I did it with Dami, who's another one of our Patreon family and a friend of mine out here. It was her birthday, so we went and we did an escape room, which she says was a subpar escape room. So she wants to take me to do better ones elsewhere at a different time. But it was really fun. We all worked together to solve the clues and we all worked

together to give ourselves permission to ask for more clues from the game master because we all absolutely struck out of brain power and had to be like, is it okay if we get another clue? Yes, yes, absolutely. And it did end up being a really good time. It also helps if you're dispersing the silly, I'm a real dummy feeling among like six different people so that you don't feel like it was all on you to solve the puzzle. I mean, if you've got six brains working together.

You still probably can't solve it without a lot of additional help. That sounds hard. I don't know. I've never done an escape room and it definitely sounds intimidating. It does make you feel like a real genius if you do figure it out without help. And it is kind of cool because you do feel a little tomb raidery of being in there and then trying to figure out how to solve the puzzle. Anyway, it was cool. That's pretty badass. Happy birthday, Dami. Your- Happy birthday.... a beautiful aquarium. We appreciate having

you around too. That's literally all the news I got. I still can't stop thinking about that. So let's just do our randomized reading. All right. Sounds good. Well, I decided to read from a book of giants because I'm so excited about A Book of Mermaids being released. And this is the next one, Melissa, that I will release. I definitely love A Book of Giants. That or A Choice of Magic, obviously, is my favorite Ruth Manning Sanders book ever. Yes. Oh my gosh. I am so excited if and when that is one of the ones that gets come around to, because I love A Choice of Magic so much.

It's just like a perfect collection of different stories. But I also just love giants. And thanks to Chris Otto, who is also a patron, for getting us this book. I'm excited to read one of these stories to you today. Perfect. Excellent. Wonderful. So I want you to pick a number between seven and 11.

10. That is the Brave Little Taylor. Yay! I have no idea what this one's about. Me either. So it's going to be great. Sounds great. Let's see.

So, Abby, go ahead and give me three predictions for the brave little tailor. The brave little tailor prediction one, a giant has a wardrobe malfunction. Oh my gosh, I love that so much. Now I'm envisioning Queer Eye, but for a giant. The brave little tailor is actually just Tan France and a giant has to come by and pick him up to teach him how to do a French tuck. 10 out of 10 would watch. I want that so badly. Okay, prediction number two, the giant tries to eat a human person.

That sounds very likely. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Try not to hedge all my bets on various stuff. The tailor ends the story with a beautiful wife. Okay. I love it. I'm going to predict that the tailor is commissioned to fix something. Sorry, I don't think I'm going to be able to stop envisioning Tan France as the main character for the entire rest of this story. I think that about it. I think that's how we would cast it. I'm going to predict that the giant doesn't have any friends at the end of the story and the beginning. I don't think the story ends

well for the giant. Okay. All right. So yeah, story does not end well for giant. Poor giant. And since this is a Patreon episode and I get to go a little crazy with my... Go a little crazy. I'm going to go wild with my predictions. I want to predict... I want another talking cat. Yes.

I want a talking cat. One can always hope. They're my favorite. I love them. And fairy tales, they crack me up. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited. Without further ado, The Brave Little Taylor, which totally reminds me, just reminded me

of The Brave Little Toaster, which is a nightmare fuel. Oh, yeah. Now that movie is completely horrifying. I think I watched it exactly one time as a child and have never gone back because— Why would you? Why would you? Just horrifying. One hot summer morning, a merry little tailor sat cross-legged on his table by the open

window stitching away at a waistcoat. He had given his Prentiss boy a holiday, so he was alone in the workshop. And as he sat and stitched, he heard a woman passing by on the street down below calling He'd given his Prentice boy a holiday, so he was alone in the workshop. As he sat and stitched, he heard a woman passing by in the street down below calling out, honey for sale, fine, honey for sale. It seemed a long time since breakfast and the tailor thought he could do with a slice of bread and honey. So he put his head out of the window and called, come up here, my good woman.

The woman came up. That's a thing? Come up here, my good woman. The woman came up. That's a thing? Come up here, my good woman. Like a street seller person, they just go into the house, all right. The woman came up and the tailor bought a very small pot of honey. The woman thought it hadn't been worth her while

to come up all those stairs in the heat. And she went away grumbling. But bless me, the tailor didn't worry about her grumbles. He cut a good slice of bread, spread the honey thickly upon it, and put it tidily on a plate beside him. I will just finish this scene before I eat, said he, and he went on stitching. Very soon the flies smelled the honey and came buzzing into the room. Be off with you, cried the tailor, flapping his handkerchief at the flies. Nobody invited you to dinner.

But the flies had invited themselves, it seems, and they wouldn't be off with them. They always do. Yeah. They buzzed up from the tailor's flapping handkerchief, and they buzzed down again and began crawling all over the bread and honey. The tailor brought down his handkerchief and smack!

Some of the flies escaped, but seven of them lay dead on the table. So far this story has exactly zero giants and lots of flies. I know. This is a very interesting start. Seven at one blow, said the tailor. What a clever fellow I am. The whole world ought to know about this. Oh no. So he made himself a belt and stitched on at the words, seven at one blow.

Oh my God, dude, it's flies. He put on the belt and walked out into the world, for if the world ought to know about him, the world should know about him." What a weird out. What a weird brag. Oh my God. I don't think that's the flex you think it is, buddy. That's not a flex.

Well, I mean, okay, it is hard to kill flies. Seven at one blow. Oh, you know what? I think the story is starting to come back to me. I think I have heard this one. Oh yeah? I don't remember how it ends, but. Oh, you'll have to let me know.

This is hilarious. Oh God, okay, go on. He walked out of the town and quite a long way farther. At last he came to the King's palace and by now he was feeling tired. So he went to the palace gardens palace, and by now he was feeling tired. So he went to the palace gardens, stretched himself out on the back of a green grassy lawn and fell asleep. Whilst he was sleeping, the king came out into the gardens and read the words written upon the belt. Seven at one blow, said he, thinking of course that it was seven men that

Taylor had killed. What a hero! In time of war, such a fellow would be very useful to me. Why would you assume that, that it was like a good thing that he killed seven guys? And he wakened the tailor and asked him if he would like to be made a knight and enter his service. It was for that purpose I came here, said the tailor. Wow. So the little tailor was knighted It was for that purpose I came here," said the tailor. So the little tailor was knighted and now rode about on a magnificent charger and gave

himself airs and thought, how brave and lucky I am. Wait a minute. So, okay, is that really all it takes? Is this a story about a man failing upwards? Yes. I think that's exactly what the story is about. Oh my God. Is that really all it takes to move up in this world for some people? You stitch something that's not really, it's

nothing. It's a lot of nothing on a piece of clothing. It's so cute. Okay. What a proud fellow he is, said the other knights. And suppose we were to pick a quarrel with us. Where should we be then? And they all went in a body to the king and told him they wished to leave his service. How can we hold our own against a man who can take seven lives at one blow? They said. Oh.

Plague take the fellow. I wish I had never set eyes on him. I am afraid of him myself, but dare to dismiss him lest he turn around and kill us all. Whack, whack, whack. Oh my God. Seven of us at each one blow. What can I do? So I take it no one has ever asked him to demonstrate his incredible abilities. Nope. That's all you got to do. You just got to stitch, just make yourself a belt, stitch some words on it and that's just... No one will question

you. It's like the ultimate padded resume. This is the fairy tale padded resume. Amazing. Well then the king thought of a plan. He sent for the tailor and asked if he would do him a favor. It's something I couldn't ask anyone else, said he. But well, you know, seven in one blow, you won't have any difficulty. It's just that I want you to kill two giants for me. Only two, said the brave little tailor. Only two for the present, said the king. Okay, so I think this has really gone to the tailor's

head. Yes, because he knows it was flies. He killed seven flies. Of everyone in this story, he's very aware. Only two for the present, said the king, but they're big and fierce ones. They've defoured so many of my people already and killed so many of the nights I sent against them that if you don't kill them, I really don't know what I shall do when you have killed them I'll give you the hand of my only daughter in marriage That's what I should have predicted

And in parentheses I can safely promise him that, thought the king, for he won't come back alive. Now, will you go on this adventure? You shall have a troop of one hundred knights to support you. Of course I'll go, said the brave little tailor, but I don't want your hundred knights. A man who can kill seven at one blow can surely manage two. Oh my God. I don't know. I'm starting to like this guy. He's got the confidence. He does have the confidence thing down. He definitely has.

And all the audacity. All of it. All of the audacity. He is definitely the guy that is always insisting that if you put on a suit and walk confidently, no one will stop you from going literally anywhere. He's probably right. He's probably right if you're a white guy. People will definitely still stop you if you're not a white man. But the king insisted on taking the knights. Perhaps he wanted them to come galloping back to him

with the news of the tailor's death. The little tailor rode off to the wood where the giants lived and the hundred knights rode behind him. When they came to the edge of the wood, the tailor jumped off his horse and tied it to a tree. You stop here, he said to the knights, whilst I go to see the giants. The knights were glad to stay behind

and the brave little tailor skipped off by himself into the giants. The knights were glad to stay behind and the brave little tailor skipped off by himself into the wood. I love it. He skipped along. He skipped along. He's so happy. But warily and keeping a sharp lookout for two giants. And in the middle of the wood,

he found them asleep under a tree. He ran around for a while, filling his pocket full of stones. And after time he climbed into the tree. He ran around for a while, filling his pocket full of stones, and after time, he climbed into the tree. He crept out onto the branch just over the giant's heads and began throwing stones down on one of them. This giant woke up and gave the other a prod. What did you hit me for? he grumbled. Didn't hit you, said the second giant. You were dreaming. Both the giants went to sleep again, and the tailor threw stones at the second giant.

One stone fell on his ear and another on his nose, and he woke up with a growl. Stop pelting me, said he. Didn't pelt you, said the first giant. Must have been dreaming. Wasn't dreaming, said the second giant. My nose is bleeding. Can't help that, said the second giant. My nose is bleeding. Can't help that said the first giant. Well, they scowled for a bit and then they made it up and went to sleep again. Oh, okay. Well, that's nice. You know what? And I was wrong. There are two giants

and they are buddies, which I like. Yeah. Yeah, so far it doesn't seem like the giants have miserable lives. They're good friends. They're just chilling in the woods. Yeah, absolutely. Taking a nap. And then this really, really confident man just shows up and is throwing things at them. I mean seven in one blow, Evie. Seven flies. In one blow, Emi. Seven flies.

In one blow, though. But she knows. All right, so the giants gobble for a bit and they go back to sleep again. And the tailor dropped the largest stone he had, wallop, right on the first giant's eye. This is more than I can stand, he shouted, scrambling up in a fury. You've blackened my eye. Didn't black your eye, roared the second giant. It's you that cut my lip and broken my front teeth.

For the tailor had meanwhile dropped another large stone right onto the second giant's open mouth. It wasn't just squabbling with those two giants after that. It was a stand up fight. And I'll show you Blackguard. Which I don't know what that means, but. It's just like a common insult that gets thrown around in like medievalish stuff.

Blackguard. Yeah, I don't know what it means, but now I'm curious and I am going to Google it real quick. Yeah, let's Google it real fast. Because I hear that bandied about in like people when people do like medieval inspired movies. Yeah. I think it's been referenced a couple times like Shakespeare. It doesn't sound racist, but... Well, uh-oh. But it is. Great. Okay. I just Googled it and according to Wikipedia, blackguard is an old fashioned term for a

scoundrel. Blackguard or black guards may refer to, dun-dun-dun-dun, a corps of black African soldiers in Morocco, a militia of former slaves intended to protect the monarchy. Yikes. Might be a reference to the Philippine Revolutionary Army, might be a reference to armed anarchist groups formed after the Russian Revolution. The best possible interpretation we can hope for

that isn't probably what anyone ever meant at all is a death metal band that calls itself Black Guard. But I don't think that's what Shakespeare meant. Well, you know, the more you know, and thank you for Googling that for me. You're welcome. As with all things. Let's go with scoundrel. But it's scoundrel because as with all things, yes, the origin was racist. Yeah. Anytime I read something like that in a fairy tale book, I always have to stop myself for the sake of not being an asshole. We're going

to go with scoundrel. We're changing the word to scoundrel. I'll show you, you scoundrel. And rooting up of trees to hammer each other with and take that and take that and take that and roaring and heaving and panting and groaning till at last they both drop to the ground and lay there side by side dead as dead. Yikes. So you're right so far in the sense that it does not end well for the giants. It never ends well for the giant. Sometimes it does. I might be thinking of the BFG. Yeah, probably. In which it landed fine for one giant. All right. So the giants are dead and the little tailor skipped down from the tree, drew his sword, hacked up the dead giants here and there about the body and then went back to his hundred knights.

The deed is done and the giants are dead, said he. It was a fierce battle. They tore up trees for their defense. But what defense is a tree against a man who can kill seven at one blow? I fucking love this guy. Come and see. The knights followed him into the wood and looked at the dead giants lying among the uprooted trees.

Can you have and sell much as a scratch on you, they said in amazement. Pooh, said the brave little tailor. There were but two of them and they all rode back to the palace. Yeah, I'm so happy. I'm really proud of him. Me too. I mean, he did that, he killed some flies and was, it changed his whole life.

Changed his whole life. And he immediately just lived, he lived, left, loved all the way up into the King's palace. I really, I mean, I really do love the image of just kind of like your average, your average blue collar worker just lying his way into the monarchy. And I think that's great. Good for him. Good for him. I mean, why not? All right. Oh my gosh. Okay, so they head back to the palace and the king was as vexed as he could be. He didn't want to give the tailor his daughter in marriage. What a fool it was to promise him anything. Yeah.

Yeah. He can kill seven in one blow, bro. I don't know why you thought that he wasn't going to come back victorious from giant slaying. But if I don't keep my promise, perhaps he will kill me. So he said to the tailor, yes, yes, we must arrange for the wedding without delay, but there's just one easy little job I would like for you to do for me first. And he told, oh my God. Oh my God, what happens? What happens? What happens? Tell me. I'm scared. And he told the tailor of a unicorn that lived in another wood. Oh, don't kill the unicorn.

I'm scared of horse murder. Not more horse murder. It says just catch him and bring him along, said the king. I have a fancy that a live unicorn would grace the wedding celebrations. Now this, I'm still scared. Now this unicorn was the wildest and fiercest beast that ever ran on four legs. The king felt sure that if the tailor could never catch it alive, so either it would kill him or he would come back defeated. In any case, there would be no wedding.

He'll still kill you, bro. Yeah, I know. Man, I love that he thinks that he defeated a couple of giants and now this unicorn is going to kick his ass. I love this unicorn so far. That's awesome. A tougher mark than two giants. I think this is the first unicorn we've had in a fairy tale.

You might be right. I can't remember if we have had a unicorn in a different one. I don't think we have. Yeah. Dustin will probably correct us on that point at some point. Yeah. Tell us. Let us know. Let us know, Dustin. Are we right? Pretty sure this is the first unicorn. Okay. Okay. So the tailor took a halter and an ax and went on foot into the wood to catch the unicorn. Soon he heard the sound of galloping hooves

and there was the unicorn charging down on him with its eyes flashing and its long glittering horn held like a spear ready to run him through. Ooh, I love that. Not so fast, not so fast, my friend, said the brave little tailor. He waited until that long glittering horn was within a foot of him, and then he dodged

behind a big tree. The unicorn was going too fast to stop itself, and the horn went into the tree and stuck there. The creature kicked up. The creature kicked and struggled and knaved and stamped, but it couldn't pull its horn out of the tree. The tailor sat down on the bank of moss and waited until the unicorn was tired out. Then he put the halter around its neck and went with his axe, hewed away the tree from

around its horn and so led it back to the king. I'm delighted, said the king. Damn. And we would have the wedding at once. Only I've just heard of a wild boar that's doing terrible damage and killing everyone that it sees. Here's my question. Why don't you want this guy to marry your daughter at this point?

Right? I mean, he knighted him immediately. Yeah. You thought he was cool enough to knight immediately when you thought that he'd killed seven men with one blow. You then tell him to go out and take care of two pesky giants that had been terrorizing your people. He does it.

And then you say, go catch a unicorn for the wedding. And he does it. He's the best son-in-law you could hope for. You definitely want this strong dude in your family. I want to hear the princess's point of view because I'm pretty sure. She's pretty into it. I would be into it. Somebody going out and getting me a unicorn.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yes. A man brings me back a unicorn. I am in love with him forever. Yep. Everybody wants to… Everybody at this point wants it to be prince of the kingdom. All right?

Just let this happen. Anyway. Just let this happen, King. All right. So he wants to give... Oh wait, okay. Okay, so he wants to do the wedding except... Oh no, there's like another thing out there.

It's a wild boar and he's doing terrible damage and killing everyone that it meets. So the king says, I intend to give all my subjects a holiday for the wedding, but how can they enjoy a holiday with the fear of death upon them? So just go and catch the boar for me, will you? And then we can have the wedding in peace. I'll give you 100 huntsmen to help you." That's also like got to be a crazy boar, right? Yeah, if that's the escalation, you know? We've gone from giants to unicorn catching to boar hunting. Yeah. All right.

I feel like it should have went the opposite direction. I feel like the giants really should have been the culminating point here, but no, boar hunting. Let's do it. Maybe he can't do this when he can do all those other things. The tailor says, hunting a wild boar is the kind of sport I enjoy, said the brave little tailor. But what do I need with your hundred huntsmen?

However, the king made him take them along. Okay. He'll never catch that boar, said the king, and he went to the palace and told his daughter that there would be no wedding. Yeah, maybe the boar doesn't exist. Whatever. Okay, so he tells his daughter, does it mention if she takes that well? Nope. No, just says he tells his daughter there would be no wedding. Cool. So as the tailor and the huntsman went along

the road, they met a crowd of people running towards them. The boar, the wild boar, they were screaming and shouting. So it's a real boar. The huntsman took to their heels and the brave little tailor was left alone. And the huge boar was rushing at him, foaming and gnashing its tusks. The tailor turned and ran like a streak of light. But he didn't run far. There was a chapel by the side of the way. And in through the door of the chapel, darted, and out again at the window. The wild boar charged after

him into the chapel, and the tailor raced around outside and slammed the door on it. The creature was too heavy and too clumsy to leap out of the window, so there it was, trapped. And the brave little tailor went back to the king. I've caught the boar, said he. Hell yeah. And now you can do what you like with it. But first we'll have the wedding because I'm tired of being put off. Amazing. Yes. The king couldn't think of any more excuses,

so the tailor married the princess. He was as proud as a peacock and the princess was proud too. Love it. Of course she was. She thought she had got a great warrior hero for a husband. Yeah. Which she did. But she did. I don't know why it says she thought that. Yeah, she super did. He just happens to kill him with smarts instead of with, you know, brawn. He's using his big beautiful brain. Biggest, beautifulest brain ever. And he can mend clothing. He is just a man of many talents. Seven with one blow.

But one night she heard the tailor talking in his sleep. He was dreaming that he was back at the workshop and said, boy, said he, finish off that waistcoat and stitch these trousers for me at once, or I shall claw you over the head with the yardstick. Oh, well, he's less cool. That's less cool. That's rude.

In the morning, the princess went weeping to the king. You've disgraced me forever, she sobbed. If not a prince, I thought at least you'd give me a hero for a husband. But he's only a miserable little tailor." Okay, well, then she's a bitch and we hate her. The king was greatly shocked, but he thought of a plan to comfort her. Tonight, said he, when your husband is asleep, open the door between the bedroom and the dressing room.

The dressing room will be full of armed men. They will creep in and bind that wretched little tailor before he can awaken, and we will put him in a ship, and the ship shall sail away with him to the other end of the world." And the princess agreed. But it so happened that the brave little tailor had a faithful page, and the faithful page overheard what the king said to the princess, and he went off to tell his master. That night, when the princess thought the tailor was asleep, she got up and softly opened the bedroom door. She peeped out and saw the dressing room was full of armed men, and then she went and lay down again. Immediately, the tailor, who was the only one pretending to be asleep, began to talk. Boy, he said, finish off that waistcoat and stitch these trousers for me at once,

or I'll cut you over the head with the yardstick. I've killed seven at one blow, slain two giants, and caught a unicorn in a wild boar. Is it likely that I should be afraid of anyone out there in the dressing room? And when the armed men who were in the dressing room waiting to bind the tailor heard these words they threw down their weapons and their strong cords and fled. And there was not one of the king's subjects who dared touch the brave little tailor after that. So the king had to make the best of his son-in-law and the princess had to make the best of her husband.

There was a lot to be said for him. He was merry and brave and clever and was a lot to be said for him. He was merry and brave and clever, and in the end, she came to love him. Aww. The end. My fix for the story that I think is adorable and super, super good and is 100% based on the fact that I imagined Tan France as the tailor the entire time. I did also just finish watching the new season of Queer Eye on Netflix, so I'm also in a very Queer Eye sort of mood.

Perfect. Anyway, so the story goes pretty much the same way, except for the fact that it's the king's hand in marriage that keeps being offered and not the princess's, fact that it's the king's hand in marriage that keeps being offered and not the princess's and that it's just kind of like a flirty sort of like, oh, I need you to do one more thing for me before we can get married. And then Tan France goes out and accomplishes all of these clever and mighty deeds with full confidence and fantastic wardrobe, and eventually wins the king's hand in marriage. And then the king finds out he's a tailor and feels super betrayed about it. But Tan France is able in the end to heal all of the hearts of the people that

are trying to kill him by making sure that they know that they're allowed to love themselves and they're allowed to look good and they're allowed to care about themselves. So all of the crazy men trying to kill him in the dressing room, he really just takes him through his wardrobe and just picks out clothes that actually suit their silhouette and shows them the value of a nice heeled boot. And the value of a nice belt. The value of a nice heeled boot. And the value of a nice belt. The value of a nice belt. That shows your accomplishments.

Exactly, he stitches all of their finest accomplishments onto their belts. And then everybody loves him, and he rules besides his kind of persnickety king in grace and wisdom and good fashion until the end of his days. Perfect. That's a beautiful fix. Thank you.

I would watch that movie and I want to see that movie. I want to see that movie really badly. My only change is that instead of getting the giants to kill each other, maybe he also fixed their wardrobe and they just decided to leave because they finally felt confident and they didn't need to keep killing random villagers to prove their worth. Exactly. He helps all of these people achieve self-actualization. Yes. I love giants and I always feel very sad that they're always... I mean, there was hardly any giants in that story at all.

I know. They were barely in it. They were just in it to die. It really wasn't about the giants, which is fine. It was still a great story. Yeah. But I feel for giants, man. I feel for them.

Me too. It makes me sad that they keep getting killed. I feel like the giants got fridged in this one. They were really just in there to be dramatic and die to further a man storyline. Yep. A man who killed seven with one blow. With one blow. Seven flies.

That was delightful. I was really confused at the beginning. I was just like, what is happening? Where are we going with this? It was awesome. It was super awesome. I like that story a lot. I think that story is really charming.

I just think that the romantic partner needs to switch a little bit. I love that idea. That's really it since we don't really consult the princess about anything at any point. So nope, this is clearly between the tailor and the king. I think that's perfect. That makes absolute sense to me. Hell yeah. Oh, fantastic. All right. Um, I don't think we got any points. Uh, I got a point. He ends up with a beautiful wife. Oh, yep. I love it so much. All right. I don't think we got any points. I got a point. He ends up with a beautiful wife. Oh, yep.

Okay. You got a point. And you got a point because the Giants did not have a happy ending. Oh my God. We both got one point. Good for us. Good for us. All right.

Do you have a story for me? I mean, I will. It is February. Tis our February bonus episode. So I decided to take a randomized reading from a classic, you know, the stories that gave us all our awful expectations and romantic complexes about what is good and desirable in romantic life. I'm going to read something out of the first edition Brothers Grimm. There are probably pretty good odds that there will be a very problematic romantic subplot at the very least. Yes, absolutely. I think it's been a little while since we've done any Grimm stories,

so I'm excited. We have. Yeah, it has been a minute. It's Valentine's Day, and what would a Valentine's Day month story be without reminding us of all of the toxic tropes that make it such a horrible holiday? If you like Valentine's Day, I'm not here to yuck your yum. I think it's beautiful, it's lovely. Go buy flowers and chocolates for your loved one. I'm mostly just saying that to be funny. Nobody come for me. I mean, I love Valentine to roll a percentage die. 57, story number 57. That's the one that I'm going to read today. Which one is it? I'm so excited.

Something that doesn't sound romantic at all, but we'll see. It's called The Children of Famine. Oh, gosh. Okay. So we'll see how that goes. That sounds fucking terrible. I think we should each get one prediction for the Children of Famine because it is very, very short. My prediction is that there will be a happy ending.

My prediction is that there is not a happy ending. Beautiful. Only one of us can win. Let's do it. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a woman with two daughters, and they had become so poor that they no longer had even a piece of bread to put in their mouths. Their hunger became so great that their mother became unhinged and desperate.

Indeed, she said to her children, I've got to kill you so I can have something to eat. Jesus Christ. Okay, there's no happy ending to this story. Oh dear mother said one daughter, spare me and I'll go out and see if I can get something without begging. I mean, beg, beg, get food. Yeah, do what you got to. Do what you gotta do to survive and not let your mom eat you. So the girl went out and came back carrying a little piece of bread, which they shared with one another, but it was not enough to still their hunger. Therefore, the mother spoke to the other daughter, now it's your turn to die.

Oh my God. Now it's your turn to die. Oh my God. These are so fucked up. Yeah. I mean, this is like one of the OG, like Grimm fairy tales, right? It's first edition Brothers Grimm. The ones that didn't make the final cut in the other books. Nope.

I wonder why. Yeah. This is not fun. Oh dear mother, she answered, spare me and I'll go get something to eat from somewhere else without anyone noticing me. This daughter too went away and came back carrying two little pieces of bread. They shared it with one another, but it was not enough to still their hunger. Therefore, when a few hours had gone by, their mother said to them once more, you've got

to die or else we'll waste away. I like that that's her only solution. Like, obviously there's bread somewhere, like go steal some food or something. Go steal some more food. Dear mother, they responded, We'll lie down and sleep and we won't get up again until the judgment day arrives. So they lay down and fell into a deep sleep and no one could wake them from it. Meanwhile,

their mother departed and nobody knows where she went to the end. Wow, okay. I love the idea of somebody telling that to a little child as a bedtime story. She didn't end up eating her children though. Does that make it a happy ending or a not happy ending? That's something I guess. That's not exactly a Valentine's Day romantic story. No, we kind of got screwed on that one. Do you have a fix?

I've been sitting here trying to think of one. I guess, no, the only fix is the one that was already occurred, which is that this story did not make it into the second edition. That one's already been fixed. It's been fixed because nobody knows it and that's probably good. Well, it also didn't really end. Nobody knows what happened to the mother and the kids just went into a deep, deep sleep. Until judgment day.

So they're still sleeping? So they're still sleeping. Little sleeping cuties. I mean, can you think of a fix outside of maybe finish the story? Yeah, that the story wasn't ever made. That nobody bothered to write that down. Yeah, it's a lot of very dark nothing. So I don't know why it's here. Do we want to

call it there? Do we want to read? I have the ungrateful son. It is one paragraph. Oh, yeah. It also promises to be super dark. I want to read that one too. Cool. Do you have a prediction about the ungrateful son? He dies. Okay. My prediction is that the ungrateful son is being punished for something that all children do and isn't actually that bad and the punishment does not fit the crime.

It's just a really fucked up moral story. It's just a really fucked up story to keep children from being bad, from being naughty. Let's hear it. But it will be like abusive. My prediction is longer than the actual story. This is the ungrateful son. Once a man and his wife were sitting by the entrance to their house. They had a roasted chicken in front of them and they were about to eat it when the man saw his father come toward him. Oh, wow. Okay, so he was

an adult man. So the man quickly grabbed the chicken and hid it because he didn't want to give him any. The old man came, had a drink and went away. As the son reached to put the roasted chicken back on the table, he found that it had turned into a large toe. What? Which then sprang onto his face, sat right on it, and wouldn't leave him. This is so much better than I thought it was going to be. If anyone tried to take it off, the toad would look at the person viciously as if it wanted to spring right onto his face too. Yeah. Don't touch that. So nobody dared touch it.

And the ungrateful son had to feed the toad every day. What the fuck? Oh my gosh. Okay. What the fuck? Oh my gosh. Okay, so the ungrateful son had to feed the toad every day, otherwise it would have eaten away part of his face. Thus, the son wandered aimlessly all over the world. The end. Oh my God, I have tears in my eyes. That's so good. Okay, those are the kind of fairy tales that I fucking live for. That made up that terrible first story. No fixes at all. That was perfect.

That was absolutely a perfect fairy tale. That was everything I didn't know I wanted. And I got another toad for this month. That makes me so happy. I know. We've had two toad stories now. Literally. For February. I have tears in my eyes. Oh my God. my heart's pounding so fast because that was so good. I had trouble breathing there for a second.

I'm so glad you read that one, thank you. I think that is exactly what this episode needed. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my God, especially after the one right before it. No points in the best way possible. That was so random, the ungrateful son. How could one predict that the chicken would have turned into a toad that was going to eat his face.

I like the idea of the toad giving other people a look. And they try to get him off, and it's like a fucking... It gives them such a murderous stare that they don't dare touch it. Incredible. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, Brothers Grimm, for just being so fucking weird. Okay. Well, I don't think we could find a more perfect note to end on. I think that is the perfect capstone to this bonus episode. Yup. Fairy Tale Fix.

Thank you so much for being a Patreon for Fairy Tail Fix. We hope that this episode was exactly the kind of reward you had in mind when you signed up. If you haven't already, please remember, leave us a review on Apple or Stitcher. It helps other people find the show in a big way, helps us move up the rankings, helps other people know that this show is definitely something that is worth their time. And oh boy is it for the Toad content alone. Make sure to keep in touch with us. Send us your own fun tales, personal anecdotes, join our Discord, show us your favorite fairy tale inspired art. We love it. And you can do that at

info at fairytalefixpod.com. We love to hear from you and thanks again for listening. And so Tan France, the brave tailor, seduced the king of his nation with his combination of wit and style and then taught every person in the kingdom how to self-actualize and love themselves and dress better, including the giants who went away and lived out their own happily ever after. Everyone except the children.

Everyone except the children of that one lady. Everyone except the children of famine.