Fairy Tale Fix - PATREON PREVIEW Bonus Episode 21: Relatable King

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

In this special Patreon preview, Abbie recites for Kelsey the 1680’s satirical poem The Dragon of Wantley, also known as A Farting Dragon Burlesque. Kelsey then regales her co-host with the tale of The Boy Who Wanted More Cheese. Both of these stories are exactly what they say on the tin, and it’s glorious.

Hello, beautiful Fairy Tail Fix listeners. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Abby. And we are enjoying our Greta Gremlin summer. This is our amazing Patreon preview episode where you get to taste a tiny, just a teeny tiny taste of our bonusodes that we release every other month for our patrons on our Patreon, which is at patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod. And this episode was chosen by our Patreon or our patrons,

our patrons of Patreon. Those, them, those people. The best people with the clearest skin. Oh, love them. So gorgeous, every single one of them. All of them, beautiful, wonderful, smart So gorgeous, every single one of them. This is all of them. Beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny, pretty. And this is bonus episode 21

that features a farting dragon burlesque and the boy who wanted more cheese. This one actually came out last August as Kelsey just reminded me. So it's relatively fresh considering our sort of depth of bonus episodes we recorded so far, but

our patrons thought it was very important for the rest of you to hear it. I agree. I think this episode contains very important information. It's very funny. The fairy tales are exactly what they say on the tin. Mm-hmm. A farting dragon burlesque and a boy who wanted more cheese. So we hope you enjoy it.

If you love this episode and want to hear all of our other bonus episodes, how many do we have now? We have 26. 26? We have 26 bonus episodes. We have 26. 26? We have 26 bonus episodes. We have 26 of these things. You can head on over to patreon.com forward slash fairy tale fix pod and check those out

become our Patreon. I will send you stickers. Depending on what tier you sign up for, we'll send you a t-shirt or a book tote or something fun. Definitely something fun. Definitely something fun. Always something fun. And you can get all the other bonus episodes for just $6 if you sign up right now, which I think you should.

So go check it out and enjoy this Patreon preview. We will be back in August. Next week. Yeah. Well, I guess we'll have a fresh bonus episode next week. Yes. So you can have all of these bonus episodes plus the one that's coming out next week, and then we will be back the first Tuesday in August.

So yeah. All right. Enjoy. Enjoy. Woo. I had to let my tiny dragon out of the room. She kept her tail like in the door crack though. Like, I don't know if I want to go out.

But I do know I don't like it when you shut the door. Don't close the door. Hello patrons. I'm Abbey. I'm Kelsey. And welcome to our quick and dirty evening episode recording of Fairy Tale Fix, a what the fuck fairy tale podcast. But you know that because you are our lovely patrons, the people who love us the most. And God damn it, do we love you too. We love you so much. We're so grateful and gratified that you love us.

And so we save our best shit for you. Yes, we do. I am so excited about my story today. Me too. It's so dumb. I can't wait for all of you to know everything about it. But first, I think we have a couple of new patrons to thank. Yeah, we do. Thank you, Tamara or Tamra, our first overseas patron from Australia. Oh my goodness.

I know. I'm so excited. And I'm so excited to be here. Mara, our first overseas patron from Australia. Oh my goodness. I know. I'm so excited. And I'm also, I hope you get your card. This is probably, this is gonna come out way after you get your card, but I've like, I had to figure out how much postage

to put on the thing to send it to you. So I hope it got to you. Yeah. Yeah, I sent out a message. So I'll probably hear back from you before this episode comes out. But you know, and we also have another new patron. We've got like five new patrons within the last month.

It's incredible. It's crazy. It's absolutely fucking bonkers. And it's been absolutely like just a joyous occasion. Thank you, Jessica or Shadow Ream. You had both names on your patron thing. I reached out as well to see which one they want and to find out what your pronouns are. So we're doing a new thing with our patrons.

As soon as we get a new one, we're going to reach out to you with your preferred name and preferred pronouns. Yep, because Patreon doesn't actually automatically ask that, which is kind of weird. Yeah, very silly. And so if we also, if we get anything wrong, or if you change your mind, just let us know. Yes, absolutely. We will switch it up.

We are open to any and all adjustments. Frickin' thank you. Oh my goodness. Yes. We're just grateful that you want to be a part of the little community that we're building here. We feel so hashtag blessed. That sounds sarcastic.

That's not sarcastic. We do feel blessed. Yeah, we do. It's been very exciting. It's so exciting because we're also up to 67 reviews on Spotify and 36 star reviews on Apple. I don't know. It's very exciting.

We're a very little indie podcast. But I think we're growing. It's immensely gratifying. It is. It's just fun to know that other people really like these fun stories and get a kick out of it because we have fun doing it, that's for sure. We had our patrons at the time back in June fill out a little survey for us of other benefits that we might be able to shove your way.

We honestly are still compiling the results and figuring out what we want to do, how that might change our Patreon. We'll probably discuss that at a future episode. But thanks so much to everybody who participated. Who won that one? Who won the giveaway? Lisa won the giveaway. Congratulations, Lisa. Thank you, Lisa, for participating. Thank you all for participating. You gave us some really good feedback. We really appreciate it. Yeah, we really do. And we're trying to do more stuff.

I'm also just posting more messages in the Patreon feed, like just kind of for fun. I don't know if anybody likes it, but you know. I like it. I'm just doing my thing. I'm the only one that counts. It's fine. I love the extra post that counts. It's fine. I love the extra post you've been putting in there. Good. I'm glad. Oh my gosh. I was super stoked to find extra new artwork of Merman Rosmer because that Robin Jacques artwork was not in a book of mermaids. So it was very exciting to see it.

Where'd you find it? I searched Merman Rosmer like on a Google search and that popped up like kind of far down and I got really stoked. Although I don't think his arms were long enough. No, I mean, I think- Everything else was perfect. He looked super creepy.

Well, the other thing is that I do believe that in the story, the girl he takes captive is of a more marriageable age. Oh, yeah, that girl looked real little like 12. That girl looked 12 or younger, which I suppose may have been a marriageable age at the time the story was written, but I don't like to think about that too hard. I mean, Robin Jog drew it in the 70s. Yeah, right? So it's like draw her 16, Robin. Geez.

At least. Please. She just looks young for her age. It doesn't make it better, does it? Nope, I guess. But yeah, Merman Rosmer, if there are any artists out there who are our patrons and you want to draw Merman Rosmer with long, long arms, I would love you forever. Please do that.

It doesn't have to be good, actually. No. In fact, I would prefer it if it wasn't good. I just want to see his long arms coming up out of the sea. Did you see that? I did. I saw. I was just about to say I saw the Instagram story that you made. Somebody was selling a castle on a seaside cliff in Scotland and I was like, is it because of Herman Rosmer? Well, and Kelsey, if you missed it, Kelsey also put these like little like cartoon, like a gif of cartoon arms, like reaching up out of the sea.

I started to draw them like in paint or whatever. It's not called paint, like just on my phone, but it was really hard to like make them look actually like arms. No, I thought your emoji, your animated emoji solution was very, very funny. Yeah, it took me a long time to find the right gift of cartoon arms.

Uh-huh, but you managed it. And like, for me, it was totally worth it. I made a very, like, I made a very loud noise at work. Good. When I saw it, it was involuntary. It was very funny. It was just the right timing. It was very fun, very exciting. But that's all way in

the past. This episode comes out. At the end of August. At the very end of August. It's very exciting because that's the beginning of spooky season. Yeah it is. Woohoo. And will you be back from England? I think I will be on a plane. When this episode comes out, I think I am on a plane on my way back home right now. Yeah, I'm looking at your calendar right now.

Yes, you are. No, you're actually, you're traveling back to London. You travel home tomorrow. Oh gosh, I am gone for so long. I am excited. Yeah, you're gonna be gone in a minute. It's great. I don't know if I've talked about my trip on the pod yet,

but I am going to Europe. I'm going to London and Paris, maybe. I will be gallivanting across two big cities and eating as much food as humanly possible. I want you to eat all of the bread, all of the butter, drink all of the wine. That's what I want to do. I'm so stoked. I see the... Because I spy on Kelsey's calendar and I can see all the details. I see that you're planning on going to Versailles.

Oh, yeah. Which I can't wait to find out what your impressions of it are because I remember my mom's impression of it when she went to Paris. It was like, I'm shocked they didn't kill them all sooner. Oh, okay. Because it's just so opulent. It's so gorgeous and over the top, expensive. Eat the rich.

Eat the rich. Literally, with a fork and knife. They're fat and delicious. You can dip them in butter and gobble them up. Actually they're not. They're actually probably all pretty tough and chewy because they've all got like personal trainers and none of them eat. At least nowadays.

Never mind. Nowadays. Full of drugs probably. Yep, definitely full of drugs. At least good ones. Sort of. I think there's like a, there's like lately there's been like a diabetes medication craze or something that the rich and famous have been injecting themselves with to help them lose weight.

Oh gosh. Like ozempic or something. And it gives them that nice like, you know, gaunt cheeked, I'm literally two seconds away from just dying. Can everybody just calm down? No. Just chill out. They cannot. I can't imagine caring about something so much that I would ever harm my body like that.

You know what I mean? Just don't have the energy for it. No. I'd rather sit on my couch and just eat cookies. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Cookies are delicious. Unless that's then what that's gonna like kill you, then don't do that, I guess. Then I wouldn't do it. Never mind. I guess. My parents have diabetes and I'm like... Yeah, so they have to actually watch their sugar content. Yeah, and try to be supportive of them. But there's a lot of great sugar-free candy out there.

Yeah, absolutely. It's getting better, I think. I feel, I feel like this is 20, 23. Why are there so little like tasty food options that cater to people's dietary needs like gluten-free, sugar-free, et cetera? I don't know. This conversation is really boring. I listened to a great podcast the other day

that I wanted to a great podcast the other day that I wanted to tell you about. Diet Corner. This podcast probably doesn't need any extra help, but it's called The Hollywood Crime Report and I really liked it. I just randomly woke up one day and I was like, I want to know more about Billie Holiday. I really love her music. I always have. And I was like, I want to know more about her life. And so I just looked at Billie Holiday on the podcast portion of Spotify. And Hollywood Crime Report had a great episode, actually like a two-part episode, I think, about her life. On Billie Holiday?

Yeah. And it was fucking fascinating. Her life was absolutely incredible, batshit wild crazy. She died way too young. It was really sad. Wait, is it Hollywood Crime scene or Hollywood crime report? Because I'm looking up the only results I'm getting are Hollywood crime scene with like Rachel and Desi.

That's probably it. I bet that's it. Yeah, you're right. Hollywood crime scene. My bad. Good check. Good. Okay, cool.

Looking out. Because this sounds awesome. I love like celebrity scandal. Yes. Yeah. I love like celebrity scandal. Yes. Yeah. And they have a lot of, okay, they're really funny. They make really great points. It was a beautifully like a well-done episode and they have a bunch of different like topics.

I also listened to their Zodiac killer episode that was really fun. Oh. So yeah, if you haven't listened to a Hollywood crime scene, I liked it a lot. I thought they were fun. Oh my gosh. Yeah, I'm just reading through some of the episode descriptions. This looks really, this looks delightful. They ever do guests?

Yes, they do. They do bring in guests. We can reach out to them. They were really fun. I really enjoyed it. I highly recommend if you like Billie Holiday's music, or even if you don't, her life was just fantastic. Well, I mean, not fantastic.

It was fucking sad, but she was a badass. I fucking love her. I have to listen to that episode, because honestly, I don't know anything about her outside of she sang some songs I enjoy love her. I have to listen to that episode because honestly, I don't know anything about her outside of she sang some songs I enjoy. Yeah. And I don't know anything else. I don't know.

I thought the episode was so good and I wanted to recommend it. I also just got a message from one of our patrons. Oh my God, what does it say? I asked Jess what their name and pronouns were and it's Jess and it's she they. So welcome Jess. Perfect. Welcome Jess. Oh my God, we got that answer in real time.

I did. Yeah. Thank you for messaging us back. I appreciate that. Welcome Jess. We love you. Yeah. It looks like she found us back in December. So we're so glad you found us and that you

love the podcast. Hearts. Thank you. Thank you. And you know, that's all I had. It's mid-July. I just want to point that out. I mean, Jess knows now. So you should all know that we had this conversation in mid-July. I know. We have to do these episodes early or we get behind and anxiety tummy aches. Well, also you're going, you're leaving for like the second half of August.

Yeah, I will be gone. You got to get these in the can. I know. I will be gone for a while. I'm so excited. I'm so excited for you. Yeah, I will be gone. You gotta get these in the can. I know, I will be gone for a while. I'm so excited. I'm so excited for you. That's gonna be awesome. I'm gonna try to do something fairy tale-esque while I'm there.

So I'll post some stuff. There is an artist that listens to the podcast in the England, London area. Really? So maybe I'll hunt them down if they're doing like a show or something by some of their art. Oh my God, you should do that. You should cut that out.

I feel like a stalker. But I do, I kind of want to. I've been thinking about messaging her at being like, hey, want to grab a drink? She's like two hours from London, but. Whatever, if she's not busy, she might be into it. Yeah, she does like shows, like vendor fairs and stuff all the time. So yeah, I don't know.

I would meet somebody cool on my radar, like a two hour drive away. It's not. Yeah, I don't know. Let me type. But yeah, maybe because I sound like a stalker. No, I might leave that in. Sorry, Frankie. I love you so much.

That's all. Sorry to God I'm not stalking you. I just love your art and I want to buy it. And also I think she's a patron. So how would Frankie know? It's supposed to be super awkward. She becomes a patron later and she's like, oh my God. She's like, oh my God, she was stalking me the whole time. Oh goodness.

Oh my God. Speaking of England, I have a thing for you. Give it to me. That's very English in the best possible way. Apparently, I just read poetry on our Patreon feed now. Last time I treated you to some 1860s erotica in poetic form, And now I am going to treat you to some 1680s satirical poetry. Oh, gosh. Okay, let's do it. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. This story is from the Penguin Book of Dragons.

Oh, yes. The Penguin classic. The Penguin story. It's a dragon story. I needed it. I wanted it. It's from a section of the book called Antichrist Ascendant, Dragons in Early Modern Literature. Okay. And the story is titled, A Farting Dragon Burlesque.

God damn it. I have no idea how many predictions do I have to make. I want you to make two. Okay. I'm just going to sit here and enjoy my beer. Wait, what was it? What was it called again? I want you to make two. Okay. Just gonna sit here and enjoy my beer. Wait, what was it called again? A farting dragon burlesque. Oh my God.

How have you not read this already? I don't know. I think I wasn't tired or tipsy enough to attempt poetry before, but I am now. Yeah, poetry definitely. I know the last one was so good. I know. I feel like now I've popped my poem cherry and I can figure it out. We're just going to start doing other stories. We're going to start doing... We have done like a pirate ghost story. That was fun.

That was fun. Recommended by Brittany, I think. Pirate ghost story, that was fun. That was fun. Recommended by Brittany, I think. Mm-hmm. Okay. Another one of our lovely patrons. Okay, a farting dragon burlesque.

I predict, oh my God. Is it actual farting? I'm not gonna tell you. You have to predict what you think. Okay, then that's my prediction, that it's actual farting? I'm not going to tell you. You have to predict what you think. Okay, then that's my prediction that it's actual farting. It doesn't mean something else that I'm not thinking of. Okay. My other prediction is that it's a hot mess. You can interpret that however you want. Excellent. So this poem is heavily parodying Edmund Spencer, who was an English poet during the mid-1500s. His most recognizable epic is a poem called The Fairy Queen, which is extraordinarily

long and full of really flowery language and Christian imagery. We make it around to it someday because there are sections of it that I've heard are actually really fun and quite lovely. There's a Lady Ooh. That sounds pretty cool, but I would never attempt to read the entire fucking thing on this podcast. Yeah. But anyway, so. You know what you could do, Abby?

What? Tell chat GPT to summarize the fairy. To summarize the fairy queen, oh my God. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Next Patreon episode, I'm having Jachie Bates summarize the fairy queen. Because the robots are our friends. The robots are our friends in this one area. Oh my gosh. All right. So the popularity of Spencer's lofty Christian verse invited parody in the

form of humorous and raunchy songs like the anonymous Dragon of Wantly. This burlesque first appeared in print in 1685 and remained popular for centuries, inspiring both a successful opera in 1737 and a widely read novel by Owen Wister in 1892. And here we go. I'm so excited. Old stories tell how Hercules a dragon slew Lerna with seven heads and fourteen eyes, to see and well discern a. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ah ha. Ah ha. Ah ha.

Eh. Eh. But he had a club, this dragon to drub, or he ne'er had done it, I warrant ye. But more of Morhal, with nothing at all, he slew the dragon of Wantly. This dragon had two furious wings, each one upon a shoulder, with a sting in his tail as long as a flail which made him bolder and bolder. He had long claws and in his jaws four and forty teeth of iron, with a hide as tough as any buff, which did him

round in virant." So this is a Robin Jacques dragon. It absolutely is. Yeah. Oh my gosh, I'm going to post a compilation of Robin Jacques dragons. You should to go with this poem. Have you not heard how the Trojan horse held 70 men in his belly? This dragon was not quite so big,

but very near, I'll tell you. That's so cute. It's adorable. Devoured he poor children three that could not with him grapple, and at one sup he ate them up as one would eat an apple. Mmm. Tasty children. Tasty children.

All sorts of cattle this dragon would eat. Some say he ate up trees, and that the forests sure he would devour up by degrees. For houses and churches were to him geese and turkeys. He ate all and left none behind. But some stones, dear Jack, that he could not crack, which on the hills you will find. I like it. It's the blob in dragon form. Yeah, it's a blob who eats everything.

Excellent. Children, cattle, houses, churches. Trees. You know, trees. Everything, all of it. In Yorkshire near Fair Rotherham, the place I know it well, some two or three miles or thereabouts, I vow I cannot tell, but there is a hedge just on the hill edge, and Matthew's house hard by it. Oh, there and then was this dragon's den. You could

not choose but spy it." Gosh, it's giving me Shel Silverstein. Seriously, right? It's a very simple rhyme scheme. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's one of the reasons I felt like I was going to be okay reading it because it's like, it's the simplest possible. I don't know. You have to have that like good cadence and you've definitely got it down.

Thank you. I don't think that definitely doesn't come naturally to everyone. Thank you. I practiced. Some say this dragon was a witch, some say he was a devil, for from his nose a smoke arose and with it burning snivel, which he cast off when he did cough in a well that he did stand by, which made it look just like a brook running with burning brandy. Hard by a furious night there dwelt, of whom all towns did ring, for he could wrestle, play at quarterstaff, kick, cuff, and huff,

call son of a whore, do any kind of thing by the tail and the mane with his hands twain. I don't know, I lost it. He swung a horse till he was dead and that which is stranger, he for very anger, at him all up but his head. Jesus. Horse murder. I should have predicted horse murder. You should have predicted horse murder. You should have predicted horse murder. God damn it. What were you thinking? I was not expecting horse murder, I guess.

The story is a classic. It's a classic. It is. Well, I don't know. Normally when we have dragons, they're either more helpful. The dragons that we've had have been either like more helpful or they're stupid and people trick them. This is a very classic dragon. I like it. Yes, classic to a point. Until, for now. Hold, please. These children, as I told, being at men, women, girls and boys, sighing and sobbing, came to his lodging, meeting the night,

and made a hideous noise. Oh, save us all, more of Morehall, thou peerless night of these woods. meeting the night, and made a hideous noise. Oh, save us all more of Morhall, thou peerless knight of these woods. Do but slay these dragon who won't leave us a rag on, will give thee all our goods. Tut tut, quoth he, no goods I want, but I want, I want and sooth, a fair maid of sixteen that's brisk and keen with smiles about the mouth

Hair black as slow skin white as snow with blushes her cheeks adorning To anoint me or night ere I go to fight and to dress me in the morning That's also pretty classic dragon Absolutely. He wants only very wants a pretty girl He wants a pretty girl to give him her favor and, you know, anoint him and stuff. Classic. Abby offers, Abby's tribute.

To slay a dragon? No fucking thank you. Tell the dragon he's coming. LAUGHS This being done, he did engage to hew the dragon down, but first he went, new-armored, to bespeak at Sheffield Town. With spikes all about, not within, but without, of steel, sharp and strong,

both behind and before, arms, legs, and all o'er, some five or six inches long. Had you but seen him in this dress, how fierce he'd look, and how big, you would have thought him for to be some Egyptian porcupig. He frightened all cats, dogs, and all, each cow, each horse and each hog, for fear they did flee, for they took him to be some strange outlandish hedgehog. To see this fight, all people then got up on trees and houses, on churches some and chimneys too, but these put on their trousers, so as not to spoil their hose. As soon as he rose to make him strong and mighty, he drank by the tail six pots of ale and a

quart of aquavite. Nice. Aquavite. A quart. A whole quart. Yeah. That sounds disgusting. Isn't aquavit like the... Yeah, it's like a Danish liquor. It's very, it's like black licorice. That's a lot.

I like it though. I think it's delicious. It's good. It's good. It's just like, you know, in a small little... Yeah, in like a shot glass size. In a shot glass, exactly. It is not strength that always wins,

for wit doth strength excel, which made our cunning champion creep down into a well where he did think this dragon would drink, and so he did in truth. And as he stooped low, he rose up and cried, boom, and hit him in the mouth. Maha ha. Ma ha ha. Ha ha.

Oh, quoth the dragon, pox take thee, come out, thou disturbst me in my drink. And then he turned and farted at him. I fart in your general direction. I fart in your general direction, English pig dog. Point for Kelsey. Yay, actual farting. It's farting. It's a farting dragon. Good luck, how he did stink. Beshrew thy soul, thy body's foul, thy dung smells not like balsam. I don't know what balsam means. Balsam is, I don't know what this word is, resinous, exudate or sap which forms

on certain kinds of trees and shrubs. So some people use it as perfume, I don't know. Oh okay. So maybe it's like a strong smell. Cause he says the dragon's farts don't smell like balsam. Oh, don't, I thought they did. So yeah, so they probably, it's probably a nice smell, which is not happening here. This is a terrible smell. The night goes on. Thou son of a whore, thou stinkest so sore, sure thy diet is unwholesome.

Yeah, because he's eating everything. Yeah, because he eats everything. And he is not getting enough fiber probably. Not eating enough trees. He should be eating more trees. stories. Our politic knight on the other side crept out upon the brink and gave the dragon such a douse he knew not what to think. By cock-quo-fee, say you so, do you see? And then at him he let fly with hand and with foot and so they went to it. And the word was, Hey boys, hey, or high boys, high. That's probably what the rhyme was supposed to be.

Your words quaff the dragon, I don't understand. Then to it they fell at all, like two wild boards, so fierce if I may, compare great things with small. Two days and a night with this dragon did fight, our champion on the ground. Though their strength it was great, their skill it was neat, they never had one wound. At length the hard earth began to quake, the dragon gave him a knock, which made him to reel and straight away he thought to lift him as high as a rock and thence let him fall.

But more of Morhal, like a valiant son of Mars, he came like a lout, so he turned him about and hit him a kick on the arse. Oh, quaff the dragon with a deep sigh, and turned six times together, sobbing and tearing, cursing and swearing, out of his throat of leather. More of Morhal, oh, thou rascal, would I had seen thee never. With the thing at thy foot, thou hast pricked my ass-gut, and I'm quite undone forever." It's very Monty Python. It's very, very Monty Python, which is so... Hang on, I have one more stanza and then we'll talk about it.

Murder, murder the dragon cried, a lack, a lack for grief. How'd you but missed that place you could have done me no mischief. Then his head he shaked, trembled and quaked and down he laid and cried. First on one knee, then on back tumbled he, so groaned, kicked, farted, and died. The end. Okay, how was that a burlesque though?

I don't think it means burlesque in the way that like we think of burlesque in a modern. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Okay. I just looked up burlesque, an absurd or comically exaggerated imitation of something, especially in literary or dramatic work. So a parody, which makes perfect sense for what this was. Yep. Yeah. Which is a parody of, um, a parody of like dragonslaying tales in, in Spencer in particular. Yeah. Uh, do you know when this was written again? You said like the 16th 16, the 16th, uh, eighties, 1685. That's so early. Which is what cracks me up so much about it because you're so right that it reads like a Monty Python sketch.

Yeah, it also made me think of Shrek. Yes, yes. This is one of the foundations of Western humor. I think the English in particular have inherited this sense of humor from people who went before them because it's a Monty Python sketch that was written in the 1680s. I mean, that makes sense. People have thought farts were funny forever. Farts are funny. Farts are hilarious. It's a very silly sound accompanied by a very nasty smell. It's fucking hilarious.

Oh gosh. I love that. That was really fun. Did you enjoy that? I know that poems are kind of like, I felt kind of like awkward doing something that was like a poem and not- No, it totally counts. I love it. I just love that last dance so much where it's just kind of like he keeled over farts and dies. The knight wears spiky armor specifically because he wants to just puncture the dragon. That's the point. Yeah, that was excellent.

Gosh, I don't have any fixes. Nope. I mean, that was pretty sweet. Yeah, that was really cute. I liked it a lot. I can't believe you found that for like, yeah, I don't know. It just it doesn't sound that old. I know.

Because like, you're right. Like it's a very it's like, it's, it's very Shel Silverstein meets Monty Python. Oh, yeah. Big time. I know. That's so fun. Because you're right. It's very Shel Silverstein meets Monty Python. Oh, yeah. Big time. I wonder if there's any artwork out there. Oh, I bet there is. It goes along with that.

At the very least, a Robin Jacques dragon compilation would go really well with the story. Yes, definitely. Like stubby, like rotund weird body parts sticking out in different places. Yeah. You just dragons so dirty. You got at least one point. What was your other? That it was a hot mess.

I mean, I'm gonna, I'll let you have it. Yeah, give it to me. It's a bonus episode. A little looser with those. Yeah, I like the description of them fighting and how no one was getting any wounds. And I was kind of imagining them. You know, like, have you ever seen the Angry Beavers? No, what is that? It was a cartoon on Nickelodeon and there's like the opening scene and they're just fighting, like they're slapping each other with their hands and it's just like. Oh my God. I was imagining just like. Like a really spiky night, just like slapping hands with like a gassy dragon.

Gassy dragon. Oh, that'd make an excellent cartoon. I wonder if anyone's ever referenced that anywhere else. I want to look it up real fast. Yeah, I mean, the book mentions like an opera. An opera? A whole ass opera. That this inspired.

A whole ass opera and a novel. There's something called Ferkus the farting dragon. Ferkus the farting dragon. But I also love calling his anus an ass gut. There's a lot of memes about farting dragons. Google's free everyone. Oh gosh, that was cute. Thank you for telling me that.

You are so welcome. I'm looking up like the Dragon of Wantly now to see if there's like specific art because like they call it something else in the book, but the poem was originally called the Dragon of Wantly. Oh, yeah. I like a farting dragon burlesque better. Yeah, I think that's funnier. And it's what made me pick that story. Because I was like, farting dragon? Huh?

What? Yeah, there is a great picture that was designed for the opera, like to be the cover of the opera. He's so spiky. He's very spiky. I feel like that dragon looks nicer than I expected though. I know, I almost feel bad looking at this picture. I'm just kind of like, oh, don't hurt it.

I know, he looks like's like kicking a dog. Like, I mean, it doesn't look like a dog, but he's got those sad eyes. I know. There is something kind of, and it's like his tail is like tucked down, you know? Yeah, all posted on the Patreon. Yeah, he looks like really like hunched over,

like in that way that like dogs do when they're scared of you. It's exactly like when you just step on their tail, they're like, oh! Yeah, they're like, oh, what did I do? Oh! In this case, it's you at all of the children in the surrounding area.

But that's just what dragons do. You can't be mad. It's in their nature. It's just what they do. Very cute. I also picked a silly story. Yay! Oh my God, hit me with it.

I'm so excited. I really like this one. So I picked a Dutch story that I found from Fairy Tales with a Z.com. Nice. Great website if you ever want to find… from fairy tales with a z.com. A great website if you ever want to find. I love fairy tales. Although I was, I actually was looking up somebody in our, from our Patreon survey said they wanted more unicorns in stories and I agree wholeheartedly.

They're hard to find though. I looked up unicorn in fairy tales. There are no unicorns in it. I'm gonna give you that right now. I'm not sure. The most disappointing spoiler, that's the most disappointing spoiler alert I've ever gotten.

I know, right? I'm sorry, but I promise it's still a good one, but I don't know why this came up. Okay. I liked it, so I picked it. And it is called, The Boy Who Wanted More Cheese. Yes, oh my God. Okay.

How many predictions do I get for The Boy Who Wanted More Cheese? Give me the full three. I forgot that I went first last time. So I kind of ended up picking a longer story. So it's not that long. It's like four pages, but okay. The boy who wanted more cheese. Gosh, as do we all.

Yeah, aka all of us. The boy who wants more cheese is lactose intolerant. That's my first prediction. Because there has to be a reason he can't have more cheese. My second prediction is it's an adult authority figure who won't let him have more cheese. A cow dies. Oh, no. We're doing cow murder. That's my prediction. Cow murder. I'm writing cow murder. Okay. Without further ado, the boy who wanted more cheese. Klaas van Boomel was a Dutch boy, 12 years old, who lived where cows were plentiful. He was over five feet high, weighed a hundred pounds and had rosy cheeks.

His appetite was always good and his mother declared his stomach had no bottom. Cute. His hair was the color halfway between a carrot and a sweet potato. And it was as thick as reeds in a swamp and was cut level from one ear to another. So just full cut. Gross. No, thank you. That's bad.

His kid looks like a dork. Yeah. I have a picture of him to show you later. All the time as he deserves. As he deserves. Klaas, it's K-L-A-A-S, and I looked it up, I'm pretty sure it's Klaas. Klaas. Klaas stood in a pair of timber shoes that made an awful rattle when he ran fast to catch a rabbit or scuffed slowly along to school over the brick road of his village.

In summer, Klaas was dressed in a rough blue linen blouse. In winter, he wore woolen breeches as wide as coffee bags. Klaas was a farmer's boy. He had rye bread and fresh milk for breakfast. At dinnertime, beside cheese and bread, he was given a plate heaped with boiled potatoes. Into these, he first plunged a fork and then dipped each round white ball into a bowl of hot melted butter.

Very quickly then, did potato and butter disappear down the red lane? Ooh, evocative Oh, evocative. So evocative. Imagery. At supper, he had bread and skim milk left after the cream had been taken off with a saucer to make butter. Twice a week, the children enjoyed a bowl of Bonnie clapper or curds.

Hold on. What the hell is Bonnie clabber? Bonnie Clabber. Bonnie Clabber is sour, you, sour, soured, fermented or curdled milk. Ew. I mean, you know, I don't want to yuck other people's young or whatever. I would still try it. Okay. it looks a little bit like sour cream. He puts a little brown sugar sprinkled on top according to the story. Okay. I mean, honestly, that does not look terrible.

That actually looks... Just the description that the internet gave me. Yeah. The description is- Sour, soured, fermented or curdled milk. It just had too... Yeah. It said sour too many times.

Yep. I'm looking at the same thing of like sour, soured, fermented or curdled milk. Yep. But like the Wikipedia description is much more flattering. It's produced by allowing unpasteurized milk to turn sour at specific humidity and temperature. Over time, the milk thickens into a yogurt-like consistency. I like yogurt. Yeah, with a strong sour flavor, but that sounds like sour cream to me. Yeah.

I guess I eat plain yogurt, so that's kind of sour. And it curdles. They have to curdle it for it to become yogurt. All right. Let's move on. But I read this, but I didn't edit or look anything up. Great. So they get sour cream like every meal.

But at every meal, there was cheese, usually in thin slices, which the boy thought not thick enough. When class went to bed, he usually fell asleep as soon as his shock of yellow hair touched the pillow. In summertime, he slept till the birds began to sing at dawn. In winter, when the bed felt warm and Jack Frost was lively, he often heard the cows talking in their way before he jumped out of his bag of straw, which served for

a mattress. The Van Bummel's were not rich but everything was shining clean. There was always plenty to eat at the Van Bummel's house. Stacks of rye bread a yard long and thicker than a man's arm stood in the end corner of the cool store-line basement. The loaves of dough were put in the oven once a week. Baking time was a great event at the Van Bummel's, and no menfolk were allowed in the kitchen on that day unless they were called in to help. Oh, this is lovely. Like what a kind of like a lovely pastoral existence.

I don't know. I know. This sounds kind of like the dream, right? Yeah. As for the milk pails and pans filled or emptied, scrubbed or set in the sun every day to dry, and the cheeses piled up in the pantry, they seemed sometimes enough to feed a small army. But class always wanted more cheese. Yeah, relatable king.

In other ways, he was a good boy, obedient at home and always ready to work on the cow farm and diligent in school. But at the table, he never had enough. Sometimes his father laughed and asked him if he had a well or a cave under his jacket. It sounds like he and the Dragon of Wantly would have a very similar like vibe. Definitely. Except Klaus is like specific about the cheese. He's like, yeah, okay.

That's true. Give it to me. But cheese farts are also nasty. Klaas had three younger sisters, Trencha, Anika and Sarcha, which is Dutch for Kate, Annie and Sally. I like that they gave them different names. I don't think the names are different from Dutch to English, but.

Why does it have to be Dutch for anything? And I don't think their names come up again, so I don't know why it gave you like easier to pronounce your names. Or two versions of each name, like. Yeah. But anyway, these, their fond mother who loved them dearly called her orange blossoms but when at dinner class would keep on

dipping his potatoes into the hot butter while others were all through his mother would laugh and call him her buttercup we've heard that we know what happens to those but always class wanted more cheese. When unusually greedy, she tweeted him as a boy worse than butter and eggs, that is, as troublesome as the yellow and white plant called toad flax is to the farmer, very pretty, but nothing but a weed. One summer's evening after a good scolding,

which he deserved well, K moped and almost crying went to bed in bad humor. He had teased each one of his sisters to give him her bit of cheese and this added to his own slice made his stomach feel as heavy as lead. Class's bed was up in the garret. When the house was first built, one of the red tiles of the roof had been taken out and another one made of glass was put in its place. In the morning, this gave the boy light to put on his clothes. At night, in fair weather, it supplied air into his room. A gentle breeze was blowing from the pine woods on the sandy slope not far away, so Clas climbed up on the stool to sniff the

sweet piney odors. He thought he saw lights dancing under the tree. One beam seemed to approach his roof hole. And coming nearer, played around the chimney. Oh, this is taking a turn I didn't expect. Uh-huh. What do you think it is? Fairies? I hope.

Then it passed to and fro in front of him. It seemed to whisper in his ear as it moved by. I hope. Then it passed to and fro in front of him. It seemed to whisper in his ear as it moved by. It looked very much as if a hundred fireflies had united their cold night, their cold light, into one lamp. Then Klaas thought that the strange beams bore the shape of a lovely girl, but he only laughed at himself at the idea. Pretty soon, however, he thought the whisper became a voice.

Again, he laughed so heartedly that he forgot his moping and the scolding his mother had given him. In fact, his eyes twinkled with delight when the voice gave this invitation. There's plenty of cheese, come with us. No, don't go, class, class, class, no. I bet you weren't expecting that. I was not. I should have predicted fairy abduction. What was I thinking?

We're having a day where it's a story we don't think is a classic that is indeed a fairy tale face classic. Yeah. All right. Excellent. To make sure of it, the sleepy boy now rubbed his eyes and cocked his ears. Again, the light bearer spoke to him. Come.

Could it be? He had heard old people tell of the ladies of the wood that whispered and warned travelers. In fact, he himself had often seen the fairies ring in the pine woods. To this... The ladies of the woods. The ladies of the woods. I like the ladies of the woods. Yes, class, get out there.

He's only 12, Abby. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. To this, the flame lady was inviting him. Again and again, the moving, cold light circled around the red tile roof, which the moon, then rising and peeping over the chimneys, seemed to turn into silver plates. As the disc rose higher in the sky, he could hardly see the moving light that had looked like a lady, but the voice, no longer a whisper, as at first, was now even plainer. There's plenty of cheese, come with us!

I'll see what it is anyhow, said Klass, as he drew on his thick woolen stockings and prepared to go downstairs and out, without waking a soul. At the door, he stepped into his wooden shoes. Just then, the cat purred and rubbed up against his shins. He jumped for he was scared, but looking down for a moment, he saw the two balls of yellow fire in her head and knew what they were. Then he sped to the pine woods and toward the fairy ring. Oh my God, I love that this kid is following strange voices into the woods for cheese. Isn't that just like so good? I understand him.

I am picturing this kid is Jean Belcher from Mops First. Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes, including with like the bowl cut and everything. 100% would follow voices into the woods. Into the woods, absolutely. Of course, it would turn out to be Louise playing a trick on him.

What an odd sight. At first, Klaas thought it was a big circle of fireflies. Then he saw clearly that there were dozens of pretty creatures, hardly as large as dolls, but as lively as crickets. They were as full of light as if lamps had wings. Hand in hand, they flitted and danced around the ring of grass as if this was fun. Boy, run.

Run, run, class, run. Run, class, run. He wants that cheese. Hardly, class had gotten over his first surprise, then all of a sudden he felt himself surrounded by the fairies. Some of the strongest among them had left the main party in the circle and come to him. He felt himself pulled by their dainty fingers. One of them, the loveliest of all, whispered in his ear,

Come, you must dance with us. Then a dozen of the pretty creatures murmured in chorus, Plenty of cheese here, plenty of cheese here, come, come. Upon this, the heels of class seemed as light as a feather. In a moment, with both hands clasped in one of the fairies, he was dancing in high glee. It was as much fun as if he were at the Kermis with a row of boys and girls, hand in hand, swinging among the streets, as Dutch maids and youth do during Kermis week.

Kermis. Kermis is a Dutch, it's a festival. Okay. Nice. A festival. Okay, nice. A festival. It does, it looks like a fair. Yeah, I guess they dance. Accompanied by feasting, dancing, and sports of all kinds. It looks like a hoot.

A hoot and a half. A hootenanny. Class had not time to look hard at the fairies, for he was too full of the fun. A hoot and a half. A hoot and nanny. Class had not time to look hard at the fairies, for he was too full of the fun. He danced and danced all night until the sky in the east began to turn, first gray and then rosy. Then he tumbled down, tired out, and fell asleep. His head lay on the inner curve of the fairy ring, with his feet in the center.

Class felt very happy, for he had no sense of being tired and he did not know he was asleep. He thought his fairy partners who had danced with him were now waiting on him to bring him cheeses. With a golden knife, they sliced them off and fed him out of their own hands. How good it tasted! Why did I not predict that someone was going to try to eat the boy who wants more cheese? They're fattening him up. Yeah. He thought now he could and would eat all of the cheese he had longed for all his life.

There was no mother to scold him or daddy to shake his finger at him. How delightful. But by and by by he wanted to stop eating and rest a while. His jaws were tired, his stomach seemed to be loaded with cannonballs, and he gasped for breath. But the fairies would not let him stop, for Dutch fairies never get tired. Oh my God. Flying out of the sky from the north, south, east, and west they came, bringing cheeses. These they dropped down around him until the piles of round masses threatened first to enclose him, as with a wall, and then to overtop him.

There were the red balls from Idum, the pink and yellow spheres from Gouda, and the gray loaf-shaped ones from Leiden. Down through the vista of the sand, in pine woods he looked and oh, horrors! They were the tallest and strongest of the fairies rolling along huge, round, flat cheeses from Friesland. Oh my god. No! Not the Friesland cheeses!

Death by cheese! I could... Oh my god, this is fucking wild. I never could have predicted that it's a death by cheese. I could, oh my God, this is fucking wild. I never could have predicted that's a death by cheese story. Death by cheeses. He's gonna be lactose intolerant now, damn. Any one of these was as big as a cartwheel and would feed a regiment.

The fairies trundled with the heavy discs along as if they were playing hoops. They shouted hilariously as with a pine stick they beat them forward like boys at play. Farm cheese, factory cheese, alchemy cheese, and to crown all, cheese from Limburg, which class could never bear because of its strong odor. Soon the cakes and balls were heaped so high around him that the boy, as he looked up, felt like a frog in a well. He groaned and when he thought the high cheese walls were tottering to fall on him, then

he screamed, but the fairies thought he was making music. They, not being human, do not know how a boy feels." Oh my God. Oh no, that's such an interesting layer to it of like, they're not even really trying to torture him. They're just trying to give him what he wants. He just wants more cheese. Which is cheese. Such was his longing for cheese that they lured him into the woods to give him as much cheese as he can stand. Yeah, fairies are not, they're not good, they're not evil, they're just chaotic neutrals. They're just there.

Yep. I love it so much. At last, with a thick slice in one hand and a big hunk in the other, he could eat no more cheese though the fairies, led by their queen, standing on one side or hovering over his head, still urged him to take more. At this moment, while afraid he would burst, Class saw the pile of cheeses as big as a house topple over. The heavy mass fell inwards upon him, and with a scream of terror, he thought himself

crushed as flat as a Friesland cheese. But don't worry, Abby! Waking up and rubbing his eyes, he saw the red sun rising on the sand dunes. Birds were singing and the cocks were crowing all around him. Thank God. Thank God for those cocks. Thank God for the cocks. In chorus as if saluting him. Just then also the village clock chimed out of the hour. He felt his clothes, they were wet with dew. He sat up to look around.

There were no fairies, but in his mouth was a bunch of grass which he had been chewing lustily. Klaas would never tell the story of his night with the fairies, nor has he yet settled the question whether they left him because the cheese house of his dream had fallen or because daylight had come. The end. Oh my God, what the fuck was that? Wasn't that so cute?

Oh, just a boy who wants more cheese. That has the cheese house of his dream. I don't know what I enjoy the thought of more is like there are real fairies who have lured this boy into the woods to feed him cheese, or there is a boy who is so like sleep hungry for cheese that he sleepwalks grass the whole night like a cow. I think the furries definitely really led him out there. But yeah, I love that he's eating grass when he wakes up. No, I think that's so funny. That's so great. Well, you got one point. It was adults who won't let him have more cheese. As they should.

But there was no cow murder. And he was definitely not lactose intolerant. Thank goodness. Because, well, I mean... He'd be dead. I guess it didn't technically say. No, no. He'd be dead. I feel like people who like cheese the most are usually lactose intolerant though.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I read that and thought it was so funny and so cute. It definitely didn't have any unicorns in it, but I liked it. Why was this filed under unicorn? I don't know. I do not know the answer to that question. I'm so confused. But I'm glad I happened upon it, because I probably wouldn't have found it otherwise.

I've never thought about looking. Oh, I've almost forgot. I have a picture of him just sent to you. Oh, yes, please. Thank you. There he is eating the cheese. It's so cute and the fairy's behind him. Just offering more cheese, bringing him more stuff. I see the fairy queen has a huge fucking hunk of cheese. Oh, yeah. He like holding his stomach.

Yeah, but he's still eating it because this boy loves cheese. He probably also didn't want to die at that point. He's like, oh no, I have to eat my way out of this house of cheese. This house of cheese that they're building me. This is terrible and wonderful. I'm so glad you told me that story. Good. I'm glad you liked it.

My fix for it is that the fairies were trying to eat him. Yeah, they should have fattened him up. Yeah. But I also really like him waking up with a mouthful of grass. Eating grass. That's so funny. I think my other, like that is my other fix is like class. His urge for cheese was so strong that he just like sleepwalked into the woods and has been eating grass out there all night long. Oh gosh. Yeah. That's funny. All right. Do you have a fix for it? I do not. I thought it was really funny. I. That's funny. All right.

Do you have a fix for it? I do not. I thought it was really funny. I think it's perfect. I love the classic fairies luring somebody out and tricking them and then they wake up and it was all a dream. And instead of gold coins in your pocket, it's like fucking acorns and twigs.

Yep. And a belly full of grass. Yep, big mouth full of grass. That's so fucking funny. That was delightful. All right, well, I think that is going to do it for us today. We hope you enjoyed these very silly stories we picked out for you today. As always, thank you for listening to the show.

If you haven't already, please remember to leave us a review on Apple or you can leave us a star review on Spotify. It helps other people find the show. And make sure to send us your own fun tales, personal anecdotes and your favorite fairy tale inspired art or literally anything at all at info at fairytalefixpod.com. And again, thanks for listening. And so the dragon of Wantly goes exactly the same way. A dragon farts himself to death after a spiky night kicks him in the butthole. It's perfect. And maybe, you know, when And maybe, you know, when little class grows up, he finally gets to eat the amount of cheese that he wants because he's an adult. No more and no less.

Yeah, no more and no less. And they all lived happily ever after.