Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald - 523: My Urologist

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

On this week's episode, JD develops a crush on a recently divorced urologist, but when she chooses her career stats over a patient's health he second-guesses his feelings. In the real world, we're reunited with our urologist. Dr. Penis is back! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi friends, I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. And we're here to introduce you to The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast that's guaranteed to light up your day. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.

We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, big and small, we'll talk through it together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

All that sitting and swiping, our backs hurt, our eyeballs sting, that's our bodies adapting to our technology. But we can do something about it. We saw amazing effects. I really felt like the cloud in my brain kind of dissipated. There's no turning back for me. Make 2024 the year you put your health before your inbox and take the Body Electric Challenge. Listen to Body Electric from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Raquel Willis. Join me on my new podcast, Queer Chronicles, a show where LGBTQ plus folks tell their own stories in their own words. This season, teens will share all about growing up in political battleground states. We will always exist and we will definitely not let them take away our joy, no matter how hard they try. Listen to Queer Chronicles on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your most fabulous shows. Hi, this is Shannon Doherty, host of the new podcast, Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty. So in this podcast, I'm going to be talking about marriage, divorce, my family, my career. I'm also going to be talking a lot about cancer, the ups and the downs, everything that I've learned from it.

It's going to be a wild ride. So listen to Let's Be Clear with Shannon Doherty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. The star is here. Hit record because the star has walked into the theater. His name is Adeyashun. Thunders applause, Daniel. I have a question for everyone. Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you? I don't know this song. Yeah, I don't know either. What's the chorus? Where are you going to? What's the chorus? Do you know? It's a Diana Ross song she sang that bad

oh shit okay okay well anyway listen I'm very nervous you guys we have so much to talk about

but tonight I'm doing a very limited screening of my film A Good Person for some friends for the first time

and Donald Faison will be in attendance I will be there wow I will be up in that piece. Wow, yes. Okay, and don't try and, like, steal focus from the movie.

Well, I'm trying to get another job, bro. I'm gonna, you know, there's a bunch of very affluential people up in there. Yes, there will be some influential people. That's what I meant. That too. I need you to not... Affluent and influence. Get up there. Yeah, they will be affluent and influence. I's what I meant. I need you to not- Affluent and influence.

Get up there. Yeah, they will be affluent and influence. I got to do my show. I got to do my show. I need you to not get up there and start doing the fucking dance you do. I'm trying to be in the next Marvel movie, Feige. You know this.

Feige's not going to be at the friends and family screening. What the fuck am I going there for? No, I kidding you are a friend and i need your opinion on on let me ask you a question yes will anybody in the star wars or uh marvel universe or dc universe be up in attendance no they they are not part of my i just learned. I just learned that some shit has come up. It's only a tight group of people that – you do this, for those of you not in the business, because as I've mentioned before, you've only been two people sitting in a room staring at a computer, my editor, Dan Schalk, and I, and you need some new eyeballs. You need people to say, hey, that's really working, or hey, this part is a bit slow, or hey, this part is moving as hell, or hey, obviously it goes without saying, you see where there's humor, if people laugh, and all that stuff.

So tonight I have butterflies. I feel like it's a big day for me because it's the very first time anyone other than uh me and my editor and a few others will have will have seen it but it's gonna be great this is this is a great opportunity too though you're gonna learn so much bro you're gonna learn so much tonight yep and so look at it that way i know you're nervous and everything i know but you're gonna learn everything you going to learn almost probably 95% of everything you need to know before this movie goes out. Yeah, I'm going to learn. These are great.

These are great, helpful things. Also, because it's such a friendly audience, it's not like people coming with their arms folded. It's people like, hey, we love you. We want to help you. Open to receive. That's right. That's right. Yeah.

It's not an audience of people being like, okay, we love you. We want to help you. Open to receive. That's right. That's right. Yeah. It's not an audience of people being like, okay, go impress me. It's people being like, oh, let me – what help could I possibly offer, Zach? Insight on this. Anyway, so I'm very excited. The other thing, not to make this all about me, was that I – as I mentioned to you, Cheaper by the Dozen is coming out March 18th on Disney+. Thunders applause, Daniel. Thunders applause. I'm in charge of thunders applause. the Dozen is coming out March 18th on Disney+. Yay! Thunderous applause, Dano!

I'm in charge of thunderous applause. Thunderous applause! I felt bad giving it for myself. That's why we should give it back to Dano, but okay, go on. Well, Dano has control over thunderous applause. It's another conversation! Get back into it! Alright, listen. Cheaper by the Dozen.

I showed Donald and Casey the trailer, which isn't out yet. You'll be the first group of people I tell the second the trailer drops. That's what the kids say. But I showed Donald and Casey the one that's not released yet. And they really are the target demo because they're parents with kids. And they loved it. Right, Donald? We did love it, actually.

We laughed out loud. Not Actually, we laughed out loud. Not only did we laugh out loud, it was something that, you know, Rocco and Wilder are huge fans of their godfather, Uncle Zach. And so we put it on the big screen and we watched the trailer on the big screen and Rocco laughed out loud. Really? Yeah. Out loud.

Like laughed out loud. Really? Yeah, out loud. Like, oh! Like, laughed out loud. And so, yeah, you know, that right there, that right there, I know we're going to be watching it in our household. I'm telling you, if you're a Scrubs fan, there's definitely a bit of Scrubs-y overlap. Yes. And you'll love it.

And it's me and Gabrielle Union being parents to 10 children of all different races because the story tells you why we have more than just the children we have together and we have an adopted child. It's very complex, but you're going to love it

and your kids will love it. And, you know, I showed it to Amanda Kloots too and she said, this is so great because there's so many things you put on for a kid and you're like,

I would never want to watch this with them and then this is the kind of thing where like Donald and Casey are cracking up at the trailer

and so is Rocco it's perfect it's wonderful I mean you got my endorsement buddy and you got my kids endorsement

I had some good laughs in that trailer didn't I dude well yeah I don't want to spoil it for anybody well it'll be out soon

I mean the movie comes out March 18th Well, it'll be out soon. I mean, the movie comes out March 18th. The trailer must be coming out soon. But yeah. March 18th. And I'm going on Ellen. I'm going on Ellen. Whoa.

Which is weird because I haven't fucking been on a talk show and I'm very rusty with that. Well, no, you do it all the time. You do, you do a podcast,

man. No, I know, but dude, but pandemic wise, can you even think of the – I can't even remember the last, like, go into a place and be on a talk show thing I've done. It was pre-pandemic, pre-apocalypse.

Oh, you mean you're actually going into – Pre-pocalypse. Yeah, I think, Alan, you go in. Yeah, you go in there. These days you go in. Right, so you got to put on a suit. I got to put on a suit. And you got to worry about how you look.

I might wear my yellow corduroy suit because it's very unique. And it feels like Ellen might like it. It's like a mustard. It's not really yellow. It's like a mustard. You've seen it before. I like that suit. Yeah, it's bespoke.

I had it made in the United Kingdom. Wow. That was actually made to fit you. Yes, there's a famous cinematographer named Seamus McGarvey who I love. He's a fucking genius. And he often – I follow him on Instagram. And he's often posting himself in these ridiculously unique, brightly colored corduroy suits. And I'm like, those are so amazing.

So I slid into his DMs about other things too because I'm a super fan of his. I talk about how much I love his work. Donald, he's definitely shot one of those Avenger movies, I think. So you probably... Just IMDB him. I am now engaged. Go on. Anyway, I'm making a very long story

out of this. He said there's this tailor in the UK that's not insanely priced and they're all custom made. Anyway, so I'm already thinking about what I'm going to wear on Ellen because it won't air for a while. I think I tape it

soon, but it airs around... So you might want, let's think seasonal now. Oh, let's think seasonal because it's going to air around the premiere of the show. Joelle has done her research, Donald. He shot the original Avengers movie. That's one of my favorites. It's a good one.

There's a moment in that movie that I used to... This is how old I am. And this is how old the Avengers is. There was a moment where I used to have to fast forward to all the time just because I thought it was the coolest thing in movie history at that point. And that's when Iron Man is over Stark Tower, and he looks up, and the portal opens up, and he goes right. Invasion. And he goes flying up towards it, the hero he is and freaking starts taking out aliens as they come through oh sorry demi uh starts taking out extraterrestrials as they come

anyway so that's what's going on um lots going on and it's a beautiful day in LA Right guys? The sun is out It's been so rainy here And it really is a beautiful day This is why we live here in winter Those of you who Don't Because there's oranges on the tree And it's sunny out

It's beautiful Let's get into it then 5, 6, seven, eight. Stories about a show we made. About a bunch of docs and nurses and a janitor who loved to hate. I said, here's the stories that you all should know. So gather round to hear our, gather round to hear our Scrubs Rewatch show with Zach and

Donald. It's so weird to be watching Scrubs again. I haven't watched this television show in a very long time and this episode has so much. The introduction of the legendary Elizabeth Banks. The introduction alone

is two pages worth of notes. EB came through. Yo, EB came through and like changed a lot of things. That was like one of those moments for, at least for me, I don't know about for you, but at least for me, when she came through where I was like, oh, wow, a movie star. We got another movie star in here. And it was somebody who I laughed at a lot. And at that point in time had her finger on the pulse of what was fire, what was hot.

And she chose to be on Scrubs. And so that was kind of cool. Yes. And not only had she had a good thriving movie actress career going, but she came on and she was great. Her whole arc on the show was always so funny. She was always so humble and cool and fun. on the show was always so funny. She was always so humble and cool and fun.

And then she's gone on now to become a major, huge producer and director and actress still. And she's just, she's become a mogul. So she's really an impressive human being because she's not one of those people who said, okay, I'll just wait and see what part I get next. She like created an empire for herself. And I'm really proud of our old friend, Elizabeth Banks. So am I.

It's always refreshing to see. Before the apocalypse, I used to run into her and it was always such a good smile. It was always nice, right? It was always good, right? Always, yeah. She's a sweetheart. Anyway, she was very funny. But let's get into it, Donald.

The janitor steals the hospital mannequin for the- Yeah, the teaching doll. Yes, for the carpooling. Now, I've seen people do this. They put some sort of dummy in the – Let me get this straight. You've witnessed actual someone with – No, I don't know that I've driven by it, but I've seen like memes of people getting caught and stuff like that.

Right. And I think it's very funny. They take that shit seriously here in LA with the HOV lane. I don't know if where you listen or where you live, if you have this, some of our audiences in Europe, but you can only drive in certain lanes on the highways if you're more than two people. It's to try and get people to carpool.

I don't know if it's made any difference. No, I don't think it, I the carpool lane is packed in Los Angeles, man. It's just... They widened the highways and it's still packed. Well, they added... Now, there's a lot of people in LA with electric cars. And if you have an electric car, you're allowed the the hov lane as well but do you think there's people that really actually commute and go hey bob i'll pick you up so we can use the hov lane i'm not trying to do it joelle no even when i was poor i was like i'll take the bus or something oh so wait let me ask you wouldn't ask okay so okay that's a different story okay so

me as uh somebody who's driving i've never volunteered to say you know what i'll pick you up every day and we can and we can carpool together i've never done that i've had somebody ask me though dude listen i cannot would you be all right with no well you don No, we don't have normal nine to five jobs. I guess what I'm really talking about is like people that have a standard schedule where they have to drive someplace and there's a lot of traffic. Are people really going like, hey, let's commute together so we can use the HOV lane? I don't know if that's a thing. Again, even when I was poor and was working a nine to five, like it felt invasive to be like, hey, can you take like an extra 15, 20 minutes out of your day to like drive me around? Even if I was giving them like gas money.

No, I was like, I'll just take a bus. And you couldn't even be like, and the caveat is we'll take the HOV lane because it's two of us in the car. I think there are places, there are places where, and this may be like Portland or something, where there's literally a line. There'll be a line of people waiting. And you just go and you grab and you pick up some people. And that allows you to get in the HOV lane. Wow. I don't know where that is.

Joelle, see if you can Google where that is joelle see if you can google where that is but like i remember reading an article about like someplace where it was so well organized where like there'd literally be like a line of people and you would just go pick up your random hov person i'd like to get into a i'd like to get into a moment right now where i like uh this is called donald's baked thoughts okay there's somebody out there right now that just was like, HOV, I got my own lane, my incurse. Holy cow, Hov is the best rapper ever. I'm just putting it out there. Someone out there, just pick that up. Baked thoughts with Donald Faison. Okay, so your baked thoughts led you to what I'm assuming is a Jay-Z lyric?

Yeah, HOV, I got my own lane. Wow, okay. Bars. You know, Donald has asked, can I talk about the contract you're sending to me? Yeah, let's get into it. Okay, so look. I am a very lucky man. I have finally cracked a code somehow and am producing.

I've created my own television show. Thank you very much. I don't know how I did it. It's like a blur, but I did it. Right. Exactly. There was a lot of that involved. Anyway, at the end of the show, there's these things called tag.

Like, you know, you have your own personal tag. Bill Lawrence's is the doozer one with the- Charlotte. No, Charlotte going bye-bye. But Charlotte going bye-bye, right. And other people have great ones. You've seen them after shows. After every show, like, sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog. What do they call the vanity cards or something? I don't know. I don't know what they're called, but I have been asked if I have one for the end of my show that I created with Stupid Buddy Studios. Stupid Buddy Studios has one. Adult Swim has one. And they've asked for mine. I came up with the idea to ask my good old buddy Zach Braff

for the rights to for the rights to I'm so honored that's gonna be my tag right there I am so honored wow the funny thing is that I go yeah for 10k and then he facetimed me like wait for

real i'm like you think that i would take a cent of your money for the for for my for my art now listen if somebody else came and said hey we've heard the aday's shun uh song we'd like to use it for the new Cheerios commercial. They got to give me that money. Then they have to pay. Yeah, they got to pay that money. I'm so honored, Donald. And it means that I really will make it to the end of all of your episodes because I'll want to hear that. Yeah, thank you. I knew I had to find a way to hook you. And I was like, if I want them to freaking see everything that I've created from here on out, I have to somehow get them involved.

I might use it for mine too. Right on. I love that. That'd be funny. All right. So Carla has insane mood swings. That's real. Now, is that real?

I know we're spoofing it a little because it's a TV comedy, but she really, she's, that first scene with you, she's crying and then she's sad and then she wants to fuck. Oh, man. By the way, your body looked fierce like Taye Diggs. You were in good shape. I was working. I think that was the master cleanse. Dude, you did something right because I'm not saying it moved, but I'm saying my shaft,

like, it just shifted. That's enough. That's enough. No, it didn't. There was no blood flow. flow it just kind of like it was like a hiccup it was like a hiccup it was as though it was as though my tip hiccuped well you know if you if you if you pause if you pause you can see outline i paused oh really just to check speaking of to upstage you, but Rob's fucking banana hammock in this episode. Did you see the amount of bounce, Joel? It was jiggling.

Not only was it jiggling, didn't it have like glitter? Didn't it like sparkle too? Am I bugging? It looked like it had springs. It looked like it had springs. Springs and wings i don't think in five seasons of scrubs in that banana hammock his dick has ever bounced as much as it bounces in this one and you can see it just bouncing dude can we get back on this emotion can we get back to my body and how fierce i looked listen i remember when

my wife was pregnant with rocco and wilder she would laugh so hard that she would start to cry. You know what I mean? And be like, well, what are you crying about? I don't know, I'm just so happy. But she would be laughing that it would turn to crying. And I remember being like, this is crazy. So the mood swings that we see in movies with pregnant people is real is what you're saying oh my goodness it's so real but it's so beautiful too like you know uh

turk's patience with carla is amazing because he you know he gets butt naked thinking that he's gonna he's gonna have sex with his pregnant wife uh but the libido of a woman stereotypically does increase oh absolutely around what month does that happen do you recall after they stop puking okay so post you know maybe maybe second trimester i'm guessing i guess so so as soon as the we can ask um dr penis today by the way do we have dr penis today He is supposed to be here. He confirmed this morning that he will be available. Oh, I'm so excited. Fans, we really wanted to give you a treat because Dr. Penis is a favorite, and we wanted to return to you after so long away with something golden like Dr. Penis.

Donald, have you thought about it? I couldn't fall asleep last night and was legitimately thinking about Dr. Penis. Oh, I don't ever have to think about questions. I have so many questions already about penises. All right. Well, we should ask Dr. Penis because I'm sure it was covered in neurologist school when a woman starts to get horny when she's pregnant. It would be funny if she could get pregnant again. Wait.

While she's pregnant? While she's pregnant? I'm not an idiot. I'm sure that's happened before i know i can't can't happen but i it'd be funny if there was just one other egg that was just hanging out and it has happened before it's a medical miracle but there are some women who have two uteruses again super rare but it has happened before wow really no i've heard of the case where there was a case where a woman um had with a white man and the egg was fertilized.

And then within not a very long amount of time had sex with a black man. And miraculously, another egg was fertilized. And she gave birth to twins. One was white and one was black. Now, I don't know if that's an old wives' tale. No, that's true too. Okay. Wow.

Google it, Joelle, to make sure I'm not making that up. Genes are wild. No, I will, but I'm 100% sure it's true. And that husband, who I imagine was cheated on, had quite a surprise. It's not about cheating. That's just genetics. Well, no, no.

I'm saying I think we can infer from the story that either of those two men black or white was cheated on um because she well maybe not maybe she was just a the case i know of is a white woman with a black partner she had twins they look strikingly similar i'll send you a picture uh but just genetically one came out well i'm she said he said he said he said a young lady had sex with a white male one day and then a black male another day no not within days it was like it's like with like very as close as possible Like let's say within an hour. Okay, so maybe they were doing a threesome or something.

A menage a trois, as they call it in French. Dan, are you looking this up? This happened. They both went. Oh, God. By the way, it could have been. And 10 months later, she was like, yours and yours, child support. It could have been a threesome maybe and there were two eggs and they both ejaculated so we got to ask let's ask dr penis about do you think it's

possible that they were never mind well will you go too far double pen you mean uh what do you call it double penetration you're exactly right but double penetration in the same yeah in the same in the same hole not one of those not one of those uh and hole. Not one of those. And it was like one of those moments where it was like if we can combine our strengths. And ejaculate at the same time.

A lot of work and a lot of luck. We can create a new breed of human. No, not a new breed. This experiment. Joelle, will you make a note to ask Dr. Penis about this? Because I think it's important. This has happened. Daniel, are you Googling? There's all

sorts of stories that are coming up. They're all facts. Yeah. Wait, hold on. Daniel, are you on the dark web? Daniel, go to the dark web. I don't know who my Tor browser is. Daniel, you probably know how to go to the dark web, don't you? Look, we don't need to talk about that right now.

I bet you do. I don't even know how to get on the dark web. I bet you Daniel does. Somebody would be like, meet me on the dark web. I'd be like, where the fuck is the dark web? Yeah, I don't even know how to say it. I don't know if my computer has dark web. I don't want to trigger all of our dark web listeners right now,

but when I say the words Tor browser, someone is going, yup, yup. Well, I don't know anything about that. I don't know what that is. That's all I'm going to say about that. Let's get back to how funny it was that they put Elizabeth Banks because of this wedding ring thing. So for those of you who haven't watched the episode, it's such a funny joke. JD can't see a woman when she has a wedding ring on.

So Elizabeth Banks, it turns out, has been at the hospital all along. And J.D. just never recognized her because she had a wedding ring on, right? Right. And then we see gift shop girl who's all of a sudden still there. Right. And you're like, I thought you died. I sent your parents flowers. And she goes, I know you bought them from me.

Me? But you know what's so inappropriate? When JD leaves that scene and they all turn invisible again, I go out like groping all the invisible, trying to grope the invisible women. Yeah, dude. This was a different time. Very inappropriate. Very different time in television. Well, they were invisible.

And I don't know that I struck any of them. But J.D., our hero, does attempt to grab. I like to think that they really didn't exist and that in some ways, you know, this is all J.D.'s imagination from the conversation that he had with Turk. Right. Okay. I'll take that. But it was very funny how they put Elizabeth Banks into all those scenarios when I'm singing Kung Fu Fighting

and then they reveal her in the opening credits and she's like, it's backwards. That's been bothering me for so long. You know, I was wondering

why are they doing the old credit sequence with the new credit sing? What is it? Audio. I can't do this. It's a lot slower if you look at it. The only reason I knew that, Donald, was because I went on Scrubs Wiki

and they also caught that. Do you want me to read it to you? It says... Sure. This episode includes a modified title sequence in which Kim steps in and reverses the x-ray, as we said. This was in response to criticism about the backwards x-ray image because, you know, doctors told us forever the extended version of the theme song.

Superman is the same as used in the short lived longer opening attached to some early season two episodes before all you fans revolted and said, get that shit off of there. Get that shit out of here. The fans did not like that. They were like, get that shit out of here. And Bill was like, all right, bet. Then how about this?

I'm no Superman. Well, the I'm no Superman thing started because it was like every year we would get less and less screen time and more and more ads. And Bill was like, Superman. So then it was like, I'm no Superman. And it became Superman. Supermanman superman because you'd rather have the screen time than a theme song the good superman um all right so elizabeth banks that was very funny todd's banana hammock bouncing that was very very bouncy um the greasers what the hell was the grease that was so random it's like a shout out

to grease i guess so but like what was the point and what was the point at the end with the square situation that was like a pulp fiction call out i don't know if you remember in pulp fiction when no yeah yeah it'll be a square and they showed the square absolutely all right we're gonna take a break and we come back i I want to talk about how, when Elizabeth Banks draws the length of an average penis and makes it very, very long. And she's trying to make JD feel stupid. You notice the Turk is nodding like, yep,

that's the correct size. All right. We'll be, we'll be right back. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's where The Bright Side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy.

I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy. But The Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out

how to navigate life's transitions, We'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All that sitting and swiping, our backs hurt, our eyeballs sting. That's our bodies adapting to our technology. But we can do something about it. We saw amazing effects. I really felt like the cloud in my brain kind of dissipated.

There's no turning back for me. Make 2024 the year you put your health before your inbox and take the Body Electric Challenge. Listen to Body Electric from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and we're back with a new season of my podcast. from NPR, on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and we're back with a new season of my podcast. This season will be even more revealing and more personal, with more entrepreneurs, more trailblazers, more live events, more Martha, and more questions from you. I'm talking to my cosmetic dermatologist, Dr. Dan Belkin, about the secrets behind my skincare.

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I used to have so many men. How this beguiling woman in her 50s. She looked like a million bucks. With zero qualifications. She had a Harvard plaque. Tricks her way past a wall of lawyers and agents. She's got all of these Maseratis and Bentleys all in the driveway. Is it like a

mansion? Yes, it's a mansion. That this queen of the con uses to scam some of the biggest names in professional sports out of untold fortunes. About six million. Approximately 11 million dollars. Nearly 10 million dollars was all gone. Employing whatever means necessary to bleed her victims dry. She would probably have sex with one of her clients. Hide your money in your old rich man, because she is on the prowl. Listen to Queen

of the Con, Season 5, The Athlete Whisperer, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back! We are back. So she draws a giant penis, and the patient nods, and then you see Turk nodding, and she really meant to do a joke on JD,

and he runs out of the room pissed off but then he comes back and he without asking the patient lifts up the blanket to examine his penis and it is in fact we're assuming a giant giant penis yes i was wondering why JD had to come back to make sure. I think JD probably has insecurities about his penis size, as many men do, because they hear about people like you in the real world and they go, gosh, am I less than? There's only one person out there who doesn't. Right. Well, there's only one person out there who isn't uh insecure about his penis size and that's the dude with the biggest penis you know what i mean well i'm sure there's men that are in the adult industry that are feel pretty confident um and i bet you

any amount of money there's always a bigger there's all yeah but i but you know a lot of women we can talk to dr penis about this um say a lot of that's bullshit. Yeah, you don't want it to be too tiny, but you also don't want it to be too massive because it's painful. I think those are great questions for Dr. Penis. Joel, please be marking some of these down because I'm worried I'm going to forget them when he's in front of us and uh i get shy around him this this episode had a lot of penis talk in it yes yeah like from this is a perfect episode for dr penis to show up all right listen uh richard wells directed this who was one of our first assistant directors for many years a wonderful man and uh he directed it and he went on to become our upm

uh became the unit production manager, which is a money position. I mean, a money dealing with the money position and, um, Garrett, uh, Donovan and, uh,

and Neil Goldman wrote it, who are very funny. Um, the janitor comes over and grabs JD's pencil. I snap at the pencil. Hey. And I'm JD's like, what the fuck is that?

And he's like, it's part of my standup act. And I, he go, I go, oh, when do you perform? And he goes, I'm at the Giggle Pit every morning at sunup. That's his slot. Now, is anyone going to the Giggle Pit at sunup? That's the real question.

But here we get the biggest look. The reason this episode is special for Donald and I, it's not the best episode ever, but it really, really is an important episode because you really get some Doctor. You actually see some footage from Dr. Dracula. Yes. Not only that, but there's rumor of other footage that exists too. Yes. Not only that, but there's rumor of other footage that exists too. Yes. Now, the poor film, which is already in production, clearly, is being taped over by the janitor. He's spying on people with it.

Yes. He stole JD's camera and he's been uploading a scene where Dr. Acula delivers a baby and then eats it onto the hospital's website. So we know that there's lots of other scenes that have been documented. Yes. That's the rumored scenes. But we finally get to see. Yes.

And not only do we see, well, we see takes. We see takes, actually. We don't see the scene. We see different takes. That's when he catches Kelso beating up his van and he and they go to watch the videotape and Kelso's like, what the hell is this?

Oh my God. Okay. After he finishes, we skipped something though. We can go back. We can go back. I just jumped there. We can go back. Okay, so look, we skipped the fact that dr dad was a fake fucking play it wasn't real yes right dr dad was fake it was a front dude it was a front

for a meth lab yes dr dad we learned that kelso's son's musical was a front we know it was called dr dad and that his kelso's son it was for those you who don't recall, it's been a long while, was in the musical Dr. Dad. As the lead. As the lead. And he was sleeping with the actor playing his father. Dr. Dad, yes. Dr. Dad. Kelso.

Yes. Now we're hearing from Kelso that that was all a ruse. In fact, Dr. Dad was never in production. It was a meth lab. Right. And he's fled to Canada and the fucking Mounties are involved. Right. And now the Mounties are involved.

Sorry. I didn't know the Mounties got involved with anything, to be honest with you. Yeah, the Mounties are their cops, right? Canadian police, right, Daniel, Joel? No, they have police. There are police officers. What's the difference between a Mountie? Maybe it's like they're federal

police? What's the difference between a Mountie and a National Police Force? Oh, yeah, it's they're like FBI, I guess. The Mounties are? I'm guessing, right? Municipal policing to national security. It's not just the guys and the horses, Donald. I was about to say, because they got a uniform on and stuff.

No, the red guys on the horses. Joel, there's the red guys on the horses. That's a Mountie. I know, but sometimes I watch a show. I'm watching a show search party where,

where they had Mounties and they weren't, the guy didn't show up on horseback in a red outfit. That's like their dress uniform. Search party inaccurate. That is, I was, I was going to echo Joel's sentiment right there. That seems to be like their proper uniform, their dress. It sounds like to me search party needs to work on their budget because they're lacking in accuracy. It would be so much better if the guy showed up in the woods to investigate.

Yes, with the red jacket. On a horse. With the red jacket and the hat. I honestly thought until recently, I guess probably until Search Party, that the Mounties were all on horses in red jackets. But what you're saying is that's just their dress uniform when they're doing their day-to-day,

they are normally dressed. Now, does their uniform always come with a horse? All right. Anyway, so the Mounties are involved in searching for Kelso's son. JD apparently uses expressions when he's turned on by a woman like turtle's wink and porcupine's hiccup.

We haven't heard that before. But then all of a sudden J.D. now fantasizes about Dr. Acula. This was a very heavy Dr. Acula episode. Yes. Well, I think it's safe to say that Neil and Garrett were fans of the Dr. Acula storyline because they put it a lot in here. We should hit up Neil and Garrett to write this. By the way, I ran into Tim Hobart. How's Tim Hobart doing?

Tim Hobart is wonderful. He, for those of you who wouldn't possibly know, he was one of our main writers on the show and he left us to go run the middle. I believe. No, I thought he went on to psych after us. I don't know. He's a big writer. He did.

He was the show runner on the middle for a while. And, um, but the point is I ran into him and he said he loves the podcast. Can he please come on? Absolutely. You can come on. So Joelle, I need you to reach out to him. Can do.

Um, Joelle, you have Bill's assistance number, right? Oh, you know, I already emailed her. All right.

Go through her and say, we need Tim Hobart's cell phone and let's book him because he is a genuine fan of the podcast and he'd be great to have on because he's a hilarious comedy writer with lots of stories. And his wife on a clear day.

Yes, his wife sang on a clear day I can see the very long way. On a clear day, I can see the very long way. So, yeah, we have this fantasy where I bite Elizabeth, and it goes into full sort of windy vampire movie spinning effect, and then it cuts out of the fantasy, and I go, vampires like it windy. What?

I don't know. I guess when you show vampire scenes, if you think about it, I don't really watch vampire movies. But it is often windy, right? That's true. Well, you're very good with pop culture. Yeah. Vampire films,

don't you feel that wind is often used heavily? You got to be throwing that hair. If they're going to be gorgeous, eternally young creatures, they need the Beyonce got to be throwing that hair. If they're going to be gorgeous, eternally young creatures, they need the Beyonce fan to really get that hair going. It's usually the virgin vampires that are the ones that come with the white outfits that they've just been turned that are freaking full of hair flowing in the wind.

You're absolutely right about that. Do you remember that? What was that movie? Lost Boys? Donald, did you like Lost Boys? Are you kidding me? Who didn't like Lost Boys?

I don't think I've ever seen Lost Boys. Are you kidding me? Who didn't like Lost Boys? I don't think I've ever seen Lost Boys. Are you kidding me right now? I mean, I've seen scenes. Thou shalt not fall. That was a favorite of my sister's. She had movies on cassette that she would tape movies off TV on VHS and then watch them over

and over and over and over again. And Lost Boys was one of those ones. Thou sh shall not kill. Dude, Gerard wrote that. Man, I worked with that dude. The dude that wrote that song later on in life when I was, I had just graduated high school. I was in a music group.

We were a boy band. And the dude who wrote that song took us in and tried to develop us into a big, into like an act. And this was right around the time Clueless was coming out. And I chose to do Clueless instead of doing the boy band thing. And the rest is history. But the dude that sang that song, Thou shalt not fall, cry on your sister now. Thou shalt. Him shall him. Shout out to

Gerard, yo, dude. For real. Shout out to Gerard, but also The Lost Boys, Dr. Akala. The Lost Boys, if you like. I guess it's an 80s vampire movie. And if you're a fan of the Corys. Yes, both Corys are in it. If you're old enough to know who Corey Haim and Corey

Feldman are. It's a double Corey movie. The Corys made a lot of films together. License to Drive? It was a genre. You know who's in License to Drive, though, right? Who? Heather Graham?

Heather Graham. There you go. Heather Graham. Yes. All right. Let's get back to the show Scrubs, Donald. Okay. What about...

Oh, this is one of my favorite JD lines ever. Relax, brown bear. There's no shame in cry maxing. Yeah, so what's that about? I guess you come and, excuse me, I guess you ejaculate and then cry. Did you just excuse yourself for saying come? I didn't know if I should say come, but have I said come before on the show? I don't know, but I don't see a problem with it well you're gonna say i don't want my heart i don't want i heart to think like i heart joelle was like what are you talking about the show's

already marked explicit so you're all right well let's ask dr penis if it's okay to use the word come yeah well it's not i just i think come and cry sounds better than ejaculate and cry okay so apparently turk will very often i don't know is this very often or once in a while will will cry after he ejaculates he's a cnc kind of guy have you ever cried after uh sex donald no i can't say that I have either. No. I would ask these two, but I'm worried that in the iHeart employee small print, I'm not allowed to ask them. Well, I'm going to say this. I have joked with Casey and been like, after we've had sex, I've been like, and now we're going to have a baby. No.

I pretended to cry. But, you know, but never have I, yeah, never have I ever. Okay. But never have I ever. Okay, well, listen. The point is if you are someone who weeps after orgasming, JD's here to tell you that there's no shame in cry-maxing. That would be a great ringtone, Joelle.

There's no shame in cry-maxing. It's almost like there's no crying in baseball. There's no shame in cry-maxing. There's no crying in baseball. There's no shame in cry-maxing. There's no shame in cry-maxing. There's no shame in cry-maxing. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's

powerful. That's where the bright side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy.

But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.

We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, We'll see you next time. podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. All that sitting and swiping, our backs hurt, our eyeballs sting. That's our bodies adapting to our technology. But we can do something about it. We saw amazing effects. I really felt like the cloud in my brain kind of dissipated. There's no turning back for me. Make 2024 the year you put your health before your inbox and take the Body Electric Challenge. Listen to Body Electric from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and we're back with a new season of my podcast. This season will be even more revealing and more personal with more entrepreneurs, more trailblazers, more live

events, more Martha, and more questions from you. I'm talking to my cosmetic dermatologist, Dr. Dan Belkin, about the secrets behind my skincare. Walter Isaacson, about the geniuses who change the world. Encore Jane Jane about creating a billion-dollar startup. Dr. Elisa Pressman about the five basic strategies to help parents raise good humans. Florence Fabricant about the authenticity in the world of food writing. Be sure to tune in to season two

of the Martha Stewart Podcast. Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you've been following the news, you know that from healthcare access to safe schools, LGBTQ plus rights are under attack. And it's about time queer and trans youth get the microphone and tell their stories in their own words. I'm Raquel Willis. Join me on my new podcast, Queer Chronicles, a show where LGBTQ plus folks tell their own stories in their own words. This season, teens will share all about growing up in political battleground states.

I wish I could feel more comfortable in my own body here, but that's just not the case. And follow along as they discover what queer and trans liberation means to them. This isn't running away from yourself. It's running into who you want to grow into. Listen to Queer Chronicles on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your most fabulous shows. Yo, so this is one of Bill's favorite jokes ever, obviously, but that the carpet's wet in the lobby. Yeah, I think this started with Neil. When Neil was on, and we got to book Neil again, Jewel. That's another fan favorite.

We got to have him back, and I'm sure he'll come back. But Neil once said that a director told him to just mop there. And he said, why would I be mopping here? It's carpet. And I think everyone found that so funny that I believe the writers wrote it into script. Because I started writing down, why is he mopping carpet? And then we made a whole joke out of it. A joke out of it, yeah. This is one of Bill's favorite jokes.

So the janitor has gone to Kelso's house. And Kelso says, I'm not afraid of it. The joke out of it, yeah. This is one of Bill's favorite jokes. So the janitor has gone to Kelso's house and Kelso says I'm not afraid of you, I don't think you'd steal my money. And then the janitor returns wearing a very long leather jacket. Trench coat. Very much like the Terminator. Yes. It's

nice and it seems expensive. Yes. Layers. Layers upon layers. Now, we also learned that when Kel, we almost see Enid, but we don't see Enid. We just see her wheelchair. And we learn that she's got a new pantsuit. So the implication, let me just go through what this implies. The janitor, she's a paraplegic.

Yes. The janitor, she's a paraplegic. Yes. So the janitor not only sized her up, took money, went and bought a pantsuit, and then helped her get into it? Yes. He had to have. He had to have dressed her too. Yes.

He dressed her also. So he dressed her. Yes. Yes. And then put her back in the chair yes you went and bought a leather coat i got enid's sizes yeah came back yes change her outfit yes put her back in the chair yes yes yes yes oh man this show is so fucking twisted nuts now your first line in dr acula before they ruin it and tape over it is

you ain't taking no blood from my hose slapping hand right yes this had to be like this had to be something like from ho Shuffle or something like that, man. Yeah, we were clearly, I mean, it was clearly influenced by Hollywood Shuffle. Yeah, with the whole baddie, baddie, baddie, all of that stuff. If you haven't seen Hollywood Shuffle, we've recommended it before. But if you have seen Hollywood Shuffle, this whole thing is clearly influenced by Hollywood Shuffle. Absolutely, absolutely. So I say, for the last time,

Turk, blacker. And then you see that the fucking camera goes static. Yeah. And the tripod gets knocked over. And when it comes back on, Donald is now shirtless. Shirtless with the Afro wig on.

With the Afro wig on. No, no, without the Afro wig. Shirtless without the Afro wig. But I've got the afro wig with the afro wig on no no without the afro wig shirtless without the afro wig but i've got the afro wig on the afro wig and the yellow jumpsuit now i'm shirtless with the teeth you know i've seen this as a picture online and we've posted it because it's just such a funny image but watching that was hysterical it really was jd is not a very good director if his only note is for the last time blacker yeah now this at this point we're both single at this point and so the end we're about to go into the summer i honestly

thought at the end of the season, this is five, right? This is when the network started getting real tricky with us about what they wanted to do for the next season. And I remember us sweating around this time. Oh, there might be wondering that if it was going to be over or not.

There's a whole storyline we haven't talked about, which is Sarah wants to dump Keith because she thinks he's wimpy and doesn't stand up for her. And then Judy snaps at her and Keith defends her. And I assumed as an audience member that Carla was doing that on purpose to try and keep her with Keith. But then we learned that, no, she just she snapped. She snapped because she's got that pregnancy temper right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It all worked out for the best, as a lot of sitcoms do, I guess. But Todd notices two aunts doing it on the F button of the computer. That was... Okay, and... And he thinks they're girls. Yeah, I could have sworn... He said, and I could have sworn they were girls. They were two girls.

Girls. Yeah, I could have sworn. He said, and I could have sworn they were girls. They were two girls. So this comes from, she leaves. So Elliot leaves something. What did she leave out for? Pancakes.

Was it pancakes? Yeah, I think she left pancakes. She was trying to make Carla like her or something. Yeah, because they got into an argument. So she was trying to make make carla like her or something because they got into an argument so she was trying to make amends and she leaves pancakes out right by her computer but they bring ants which they attract ants yeah they attract ants all over her keyboard and then the todd says there's two of them doing it on the f button. And at first I could have sworn they were two girls. So stupid. That's so stupid.

I wanted to say that Scrubs Wiki has a little bit of a bone to pick with the whole wedding ring thing. J.D.'s, quote, not being able to see married women, unquote, rule doesn't quite add up because he can still see Carla after she got married. Tasty coma wife. While it could be argued that he can still see her because he knew her before she was married, that wouldn't explain why he couldn't see gift shop girl after she got married. Well, I don't understand. He saw tasty coma wife. He saw all of these other... Okay, well, listen.

We don't hold fast and true to all the rules of the show, but I just wanted to point out that someone at Scrubs Wiki, I don't know if it was Trevor or one of his minions, noticed. Okay. So why does J.D. feel it's his business to read Kim at the end of the show? Like, what gives J.D. feel it's his business to read Kim at the end of the show? Like, what gives J.D. the right to do that to her, as a matter of fact? I think J.D. didn't know this thing, which I'm assuming is real because Scrubs was known as one of the most medically accurate shows ever to be made, we've been told.

accurate shows ever to be made, we've been told, that surgeons, young surgeons in particular, try and avoid risky operations because it will fuck up their stats as a perfect surgeon and it will prevent them, inhibit them from getting hired at bigger and better places. I'm assuming that's a real thing. We can ask Dr. Penis. But so JD, I think, learns that. It would be bizarre that he wouldn't have heard of that before. But he sort of learns that that's a thing and is very disappointed in her, particularly because he's attracted to her and thinks that she's such a catch. But then he realizes that, oh, you're seriously not going to operate on that man because it's risky and could affect your stats. He's like, and you're hiding out. I've been told you're hiding out with your wedding ring on and you've been divorced for a long time.

And he just sort of calls her out on, he takes a risk to try and call her out on all her bullshit. That is a risk because that's none of his damn business, too. I know, but he's got nothing to lose. He's got nothing to lose. He likes her. Yeah. And it pays off, too off too i guess in the end but i can't i couldn't see myself doing that you know what i mean like i couldn't see myself being like joelle i'm gonna tell you something right now i figured you out and bam in your face walk off it's one of those ruthless readings that winds up being it's ruthless but it's also just so honest

it's like why are you you seem like really cool why are you hiding yourself like why are you not going the distance and really trying to like help people why did you get into this field in the first place why haven't you taken your wedding ring off like it is it's super brutal and i think could have backfired but i also think like when you're really but when you're really interested in a person like you want them to be their best self right and i think that you know you call he went all in he went all in it's like in poker donald he went all in he's like i'm just gonna say this it might explode everything but i'm gonna give it a try yeah that's a that was a very bold move jd took uh jd that was a very bold move j JD made because I don't know that I could do that

in real life where I could just be like, you know what? I'm going to just tell you about yourself real quick. And then I'm going to walk away. I'm sure you've done that in your life. Have you never gone to someone, I guess you're saying it's a virtual stranger, which is different. Pretty much, yeah. I'm sure people in your life, you've gone, all right, listen, you need to hear this, obviously. Absolutely. Right. You're saying that the fact that it's a stranger. Yeah.

Dude, you didn't know who she was until she took her wedding ring off. Right. I thought that was sweet how she took it off and put it in the middle of the table. I thought that was romantic. Yeah. I think it's the beginning of how i met your mother too what do you mean well she goes on spoiler alert she goes on to have your first kid oh yeah he's first kid yeah and we don't even have um as you recall intercourse i believe that I ejaculate next to her, beside her vulva.

Clearly, clearly, clearly it was in the area of. No, do you remember? There's this whole monologue. Yeah, where it's like you're about to get there and before you could. No, it was all like war analogy where it was like there was friendly fire. Right. And the fire, it's coming up. Well, obviously, no pun intended, it's coming up.

But I remember that the point is that, and this must be something that can happen. Because again, why would they put it in the show? But he ejaculated prematurely on the exterior of her. Before penetration. Yes, on the exterior of the vagina. Well, technically what's called the vulva, Donald. I thank you for that. And we can ask Dr. Penis if I'm right,

if that's called the vulva. And she still got pregnant. So J.D. never even got to have sex with her. Right? No, he did not. I don't recall if it was their first and only time about to have sex, or did they have a sex life? I don't think they ever had a sex life. I think she left before it could get any further.

Do you remember, Joelle? I don't recall. Well, we're going to get there. I'm sure there's lots of fans listening who know all the details better than us. They're yelling at the freaking podcast right now. Yes, yes, yes. You fucks! You fucked a lot of times, assholes!

You smoked too much weed! Stop smoking with Donald! Yeah, Donald! All right, we're going to go to break. And when we come back, we'll have Dr. Penis, who will answer all sorts of penis and vulva questions for us. We'll be right back. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful.

That's where The Bright Side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy. But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side.

We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All that sitting and swiping, our backs hurt,

our eyeballs sting, that's our bodies adapting to our technology. But we can do something about it. We saw amazing effects. I really felt like the cloud in my brain kind of dissipated. There's no turning back for me. Make 2024 the year you put your health before your inbox and take the Body Electric Challenge. Listen to Body Electric from NPR on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and we're back with a new season of my podcast. This season will be even more revealing and more personal with more entrepreneurs, more trailblazers, more live events, more Martha, and more questions from you.

I'm talking to my cosmetic dermatologist, Dr. Dan Belkin, about the secrets behind my skincare. Walter Isaacson, about the geniuses who change the world. Encore Jane, about creating a billion-dollar startup. Encore Jane about creating a billion-dollar startup. Dr. Elisa Pressman about the five basic strategies to help parents raise good humans. Florence Fabricant about the authenticity in the world of food writing. Be sure to tune in to season two of the Martha Stewart podcast. Listen and subscribe to the Martha Stewart podcast on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. had a Harvard plaque. Tricks her way past a wall of lawyers and agents. She's got all of these Maseratis and Bentleys all in the driveway. Is it like a mansion? Yes, it's a mansion. That this queen of the con uses to scam some of the biggest names in professional sports out of untold fortunes. About six million. Approximately $11 million. Nearly $10 million was all gone. Employing whatever means necessary to bleed her victims dry. She would probably have sex with one of her clients. Hide your money in your old Richmond because she is on the prowl. Listen to Queen of the Con, Season 5, The Athlete Whisperer, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Oh yeah, and we're back! We're back! We're back, we're back. Oh, here he is, here he is. Let's play the song about the guest, Stan. Don't forget that song. We got a caller who gave us a holler. We can talk, start wars, or sing show tunes, you know, like a baller.

Smoke some jazz cabbage, maybe talk about the episode. So come on, Joel, let's get the show on the road. And here he is, Dr. Brick. Yeah, Brick. Oh, I was so nervous because I fucked it up so many times last time you were on. Now, Dr. Brick, do you mind if we call you Dr. Penis? Because that's sort of how we branded you on the show. Yeah, no, no, I love it. I love it. Okay.

Did you get a lot of good feedback from your appearance the first time? I did. I think all my friends and family really liked it. It was crazy. I got some random texts from some doctors that I knew that were like, oh, I'm a big, like I've listened to the Scrubs podcast and all of a sudden they're talking about this guy and he sounds, and it's you. And I'm like, so it was, it was, it was pretty cool. Well, Dr. Brick, we'd really want to make you a a regular uh segment on the show because donald and i often have penis questions and they're just a just an infinite number of penis questions yeah right donald they just well it just goes on forever

yeah i agree no you were saying in uh the other day that um can you have too much penis and i i don't think you can like like you I told you, Zach. I told you. That was one of our first questions. I told you. I told you. No such thing. No such thing. Wait, calm down.

I've seen, accidentally, I have seen some videos on the internet where it appears that the gentleman can't, the woman can't accommodate the full length of the man. Or the gentleman can't accommodate uh the full length of the man or the gentleman can't the woman cannot accommodate the man's full gift and i wonder um if that's if that's come up in your practice if any patients have have said uh doctor what do we do in this situation um i haven't seen it i was actually i i i i've seen that in a nip tuck episode before but um there was i one of my staff told me that he heard that once of one person that came that was complaining that his penis was was too big and what did he want to do are there people that get penis like you see we see billboards out here in la and and actually that shit doesn't exist

there's no way you can no no sorry sorry in new jersey i saw billboard for breast reduction um and i wondered if if there was such a thing as penis reduction as anyone ever said i'm sure you i bet you can cut it off but i bet you can't make it grow dude there's no way no no cut it down can't make it grow no no i let the doctor answer dr penis the only time we would actually like really cut it down is if someone has like uh like cancer of the penis and you need to cut it um and can still be functioning um so you're saying you you you you'd you'd cut off the cancerous part the tumor or whatever yeah but then the but the penis can still function

yeah and you can kind of create you use some like a skin flap and you can kind of create what looks like the head of the penis. And if there's, for peeing, it can definitely still function. And for intercourse, I mean, it's still sensitive. I don't know how functional it will be. I guess it depends if you can still achieve an erection. Now, Dr. Penis, one thing I wanted to ask you was when we were kids growing up there uh reebok did this campaign where there was a pump pump pump pump it up remember those donald and i don't know why no sneaker brand has gone back to this because it was genius

i don't know why and then nike had their own version but it wasn't as cool donald do you remember this it I think I had those Nikes. It was in the tongue. Yeah. Those of you who are too young. That was the Reebok pump. The Reebok pump was in the tongue and a Nike pump. I had them.

I had them. Did you have them? What was the purpose? I did. It was like it would tighten the air. The ankle. There was air pumps in there. It would tighten the ankle area.

It would tighten the ankle around you. And the campaign was pump, pump, pump, pump, pump it up. Now, can you do that with your penis? Yeah. yeah no what i'm saying is my question is for you aren't there some men who have erectile dysfunction in a medical way not a mental mental way um and isn't there something where they can um it's in their scrotum or it's nearby where they can pump pump pump it up tell us about that so yeah no that's, that's like the, one of the final steps, or I mean, some people do it quickly when they have erectile dysfunction and they either can't tolerate medications or the medications aren't working, or they don't want to take Viagra,

that kind of thing. There's also injections you can do. And it's a surgery where you, in the two erectile bodies that cause the erections are essentially balloons that fill with blood. We put in cylinders that can fill with fluid and cause an erection. And so the fluid, there's a little reservoir that we put in kind of like behind the pubic bone and that's filled with salt water essentially. And there's a tube that goes to a pump that we put in the scrotum. So it's, it's, you could say, you know, it's, it's similar sizes, your testicles. So you essentially have another kind of.

Now, what a woman, what a woman, if a man was doing this, could he feasibly hide this from a partner and her not know that he was pump, pump, pump, pump, pump it up? Um, that is a good question. It's, I mean, you can't hand you'll never get an erection normally so you always like once you have this your only way you can get an erection is with the pump so like if you are doing you know if you're fooling around what and what have you and then you you're pumping it up on on own, and the woman is not paying attention, maybe. But if the woman is familiar with what a penis feels like, then they're not going to. Can you pump it up just to pump it up?

Yes. Even if you don't have erectile dysfunction, can't you just be like, I'm just going to pump this bad boy up? Of course. Why not? If you don't have erectile dysfunction? Well, you don't get the salt water and everything, but you get like a penis pump, and you pump, pump, pump.

Oh, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny that you're asking that because for like a secret to anything, one of my friends got another one, a penis pump. Yeah. And in urology, that's another thing you can use for like it's a vacuum device that kind of like you pump to like bring more blood into the penis and you know what website what website do you buy that on

i mean you want me to uh no no no i'm kidding just just google it i you know if i had i'll have joelle joelle's google's is sorry are you so fucked up we put all that shit on her google if i had a relationship with a website i would i would i would tout them but you could probably find it on any website but we we recommend and it's in a vacuum a vacuum erectile device that you essentially i'm like trying to show it but you don't see my lower area you put it kind of over the penis yeah and it kind of like suctions down around the base of the penis yeah pump pump pump and it essentially creates that a pressure that brings more blood to the penis and then you put a ring over the base of your penis essentially hold the blood in there i think people probably do it to achieve maybe more rigidity if they're not uh

happy with what they are or but other people use it for you know as a management of their own do you think that this is a question i wanted to ask you like cialis and viagra they were invented uh uh for uh people function and senior citizens can now enjoy a sex life um much later in life which is great um do you think that more people who are younger should experiment with it because they might say hey i've always had like a 79 hard on but then you try the medicine all of a sudden you've got this like fucking axe that's just a glass fucking cylinder and you're like oh i never knew i could have a fucking thor's hammer yeah no it's that's a good question i think that what are your thoughts on

that i think younger people one and is it safe also that's the other thing that's a good question. I think that... What are your thoughts on that? I think in younger people... One, and is it safe also? That's the other thing. Of course it's safe. That's the problem. Well, no, it's not necessarily always safe. All right, well, let Dr. Penis answer. You don't know.

If you're getting it from the black market or a drug dealer, probably not safe. I think that for people who have maybe issues with erections from a psychological perspective, which is a totally reasonable issue that many men men have and i think it's becoming possibly even maybe more aware or maybe a bigger issue unclear um taking or being prescribed you know a medication like that kind of thing um can first help your erections as needed and and then can also then boost your confidence that hopefully you can then potentially achieve erections as needed and and then can also then boost your confidence that hopefully you

can then potentially achieve erections without it it's like a mind for a lot of people don't realize i'm guessing is that you know you hear about viagra and say alice has been a joke for so long oh senior citizens or people with a medical problem you know people don't know that it's often overcoming a mental issue where they've gotten in their head it's like an no no no no it actually does work but sounds like what he's saying is a lot of people who a mental issue where they've gotten in their head. It's like a placebo? No, no, no. No, it actually does work, but it sounds like what he's saying is there's a lot of people who they can't get an erection and it's not a physical problem. They're in their head.

They have performance anxiety. Yeah, got it. Then what do you call it? It's snowballs. It's a vicious cycle. Vicious cycle. And what he's saying is those people can get their confidence back with a Viagra or Cialis and then be able to tiptoe off of it lower and lower doses, right? Possibly, yeah. And I mean,

obviously, you know, if there are those issues, seeing a psychologist who's specialized in sex therapy kind of thing could also be helpful. But a urologist works often hand-in-hand. Yeah, I mean, I don't want people who are listening to this and going, oh, that might be something for me to look into. They can just talk to their urologist or their doctor about it, right? They don't have to go to, you know, you don't have to feel like this. You can definitely find these kind of meds. I mean, I've heard from drug dealers or, I mean, those things that you see in like the gas station that have like, oh, we'll boost your erections kind of thing. Those honestly probably have some dose of the medication that are made that we don't even know how it's manufactured so probably not the healthiest

way to go about it no don't do it that way talk to your doctor about it if you've got a penis problem talk to your doctor here at fake doctors our advice is don't buy the gas station shit no there i saw i saw a study they even those medications have the generic forms of Viagra and Cialis and, you know, those medic, the Viagra, Cialis, those kinds of things can interact with other meds that you're taking. You might, if you're already taking it, you may have too high of a dose. So it's, it's not regulated. That's, that's, that's the biggest problem. Got it. Um, so it's not advised to take Viagra and Cialis if you don't need it? Yeah, I wouldn't take it if you don't need it.

But also, last time you used a term for the amount of time before you can go again. Priapism? No, no, no. The amount of time before you can go again. What's that? Oh, yeah. Your term was like your reset something. I forgot. Let me find a real time. Anyway, the point is that it also enables you to be right back at it.

Oh, shoot. Donald, I imagine you don't have that problem. But some men might have a problem where they would love to go again. And they need a reset time refractory period refractory period remember that from our first lesson with dr as you get older your refractory period actually gets longer so if that medication is helping you and you're there you go so let's say you're with a one let's say donald casey's like zach i love you and um and you're like oh that turned me on i wish i could go again and I had a shorter refractory period

Then the medicine would be right for you Yeah, when you're a teenager, you could probably just go over and over I remember when you're a teenager, you're like a geek What about when you're 47? Yeah, but you're a rare case There's nothing wrong with that right like this is what i fear oh good for you this is what i fear and i'm going to be honest with you right now this is what i fear i have a libido that's like through the roof right now i fear that one

day out of nowhere that shit just goes away i don't see it happening okay i don't know anyone doctor with with of any age. Well, I'm discounting teenagers who are going through puberty, but who has the libido that this 47-year-old man has. And I just mazel tov to him, but I don't think you should feel any shame or weirdness about it. I don't feel any shame about it. I just worry that.

I think Casey should be ready that you'll have it in 40 years from now when you're 87 a word like that i'm gonna keep it 100 my grandfather man he's 90 something right now dude i remember so he came out here to la when he was in his late 70s right and he came out to visit me I was in my 20s or something like that my late my mid-20s I was and he came out and I took him all around Scrubs was happening already I took him all around Hollywood I took him to the club I took him to the strip club I took him like everywhere my grandfather my 80 almost 80 something year old grandfather right and i remember being like i remember being like grandpa does any you know we went out one night and somebody was dancing on him and everything and he was having a good old time and i was like grandpa

did you feel any of this he was like oh boy and i was like, wait, what? Grandpa, what? What? Things you don't want to hear from your grandpa. Listen, I don't know, man. Most old people that I know, they're like, it's been a few years. No, I mean, there's studies about like testosterone levels kind of slowly decreasing as you get older. And I think that's where the mindset is from. But first of all, if you're actually of an age where, um, your testosterone is low, but, and that's your symptom that your libido is low and you want your libido to come

back to what it was, there are tests that you can get testosterone treatment, which honestly is a whole other topic for misuse of testosterone in people. But is testosterone the key thing that's affecting libido? I mean, it's probably a number of things. I think that's kind of what a lot of people hold their hat on. Um, it could be other health related issues as people get older, they just have heart lung, you know, all, all kinds of other issues that can kind of just make you less interested. Um, but I mean, I think on the whole, you know, as men and women, it's not just men, like your libido can remain unchanged and you could, and both genders can.

Well, I'm sure Casey's in the other room praying that it eventually goes down. No, I don't know that she's praying that it eventually goes down, but I, I, I definitely, I definitely, you know, like I was told, you know, you, you hear all of these stories, you hear the story that as men get older their libidos go away and as women get older their libido increases and you know yeah i find that to not be true so anecdotally anecdotally in donald's situation that doesn't i find that not to be true yeah i think all right let's try a new question um is it possible there are some internet uh stories where a woman had sex with

two different men one was white and one was black very close together perhaps it was a threesome whatever there were two eggs in the chamber if you will and she got pregnant with twins and one was white and one black is that is that feasible i could i i remember my wife telling me this story of something i could not believe it and i've i i've never seen it in real life i saw it on like a weird but strange but true in new york post kind of kind of deal there you go strange but true joelle yeah but um yeah i i've seen i i've i've read it but i donald i wish we could like is there like why can't this happen my question is why can't this happen is there like a freaking hunger games event inside the uterus well you've got to think like yeah go at each other the furthest fighting yes no i'm in this one you

can't you know what i mean like how does how does that? So, because normally women, when they ovulate, they ovulate one egg that goes into their uterus. And when you ejaculate sperm, it's millions of sperm. No doubt. Right? And so, it's kind of like. Maybe more. No doubt. Maybe more.

No doubt. Maybe more. Yeah, maybe billions. But no, but then it's survival of the fittest. The sperm gets into the female genital. Yeah, but sometimes there's twins. But sometimes there's twins, though, right? That's when a woman ovulates.

Stop interrupting him. He's trying to explain. I know, but what we were saying is, what if the two dudes combine their strength together? He's implying if it was a double penetration situation. Exactly. And they both timed their ejaculation. Intravaginal.

Yes. And they timed their, and they timed their ejaculation at the same time and high fives. And said, on three, two, one. And they both fight. Doc, is that possible? Serendipitous. And they both fight.

Doc, is that possible? Serendipitous two eggs are there. Bam, bam. Clearly it's possible. It's just like super duper rare because you'd have to have ovulated two eggs, like I said, which already is not common.

But sometimes sometimes two Last thing, sometimes two sperms can penetrate one egg though so right when one sperm penetrates the egg the egg kind of forms a reaction that it doesn't allow

like a force field it doesn't allow any other sperm to hit it so that's why what's the difference from maternal and and and and uh and identical maternal and identical no but that's that's that's later that's to get identical twins is when the embryo kind of splits into two and and creates that yeah it's someone with twins you should probably know that okay here we go um we have another i don't i don't know much okay um i love you.

The word come, is that something that is ever said in the medical community or is that a word that should not be – is that sort of slang? Do you use words in your office like ejaculate or empty? Do you ever say bust a nut? Empty. Do you ever find yourself like talking to a patient and being like, so when you bust your next nut or do you or do you have to keep it serious and say that is that is a good question and that's i think that's why why training is so long because i in my mind you need to actively think

about what the correct terms are that are respectful for the patient first of all right it's not just with sex right i mean it it's like anything where you want to use respectful terms to not. But what if they come in? Do you read the room? What if they come in like that? Every time I bust a nut, I fucking cannot. So then he has to be like. The only time I would use unprofessional terms is when like my friends are calling me,

asking me urology or sex things. Then I'll be like, then I'll say, I think I can be a little less professional. I don't even want to hear you say it now, Duck. Now it sounds like it's a bad thing. Now it sounds weird. I do think it's funny, though, if you matched, like you have some nerdy guy coming in. Yes, I'm having some ejaculation issues. And then you address them.

And then you have Donald coming in. What does it mean when fire shoot out my dick let me get let me get this straight you're getting a burning sensation every time you ejaculate no doc fire shoots out my dick this should be your flames i would like to flames shoots out my dick every time i pee can't be in front of me i would watch a stop motion video of that character. Alabama Jackson's probably going to get some sort of porn made into it. Oh, please, God, yes. Thank you for the shout out, Dr. Penis.

Thank you for the shout out. Do you have any other questions for Dr. Brick, Donald, while we have him? I have several questions. Daniel, do you have any questions for Dr. Brick? I want to save it for next time. Daniel, come on. Daniel, do you have any questions for Dr. Brick? I want to save it for next time. Daniel, come on. Daniel,

you don't have to be shy. It feels like you're really, you're like in the fetal position. Are we embarrassing you in front of Dr. Brick? You're a part of this show too. Unlike when you're doing the new girl. Yeah.

I know this isn't going to be on the new girl. When you do that podcast, they're probably not going to have Dr. Penis. And they're not going to ask you questions either. So, you know, take this, take advantage of it. But since Joelle's the producer, they'll probably copy going to have Dr. Penis. And they're not going to ask you questions either. So, you know, take advantage of it.

But since Joel's the producer, they'll probably copy us and have, here's Dr. Vagina. Oh, boy. Well, first off, shout out Dr. Brick on that awesome sweatshirt you are wearing. Thank you so much for repping the brand. Thank you so much. NYU in the house, too.

Dr. Brick is wearing a merch. He has lots of merch merch He has an NYU shirt I'm wearing my Northwestern shirt I didn't go to college, sorry Joelle, do you have any questions from a female point of view For an expert like this? I will think of some for next time Good lady questions for Penis Doctor.

My wife had a good name for the podcast or whatever. What is it? What is it? P-Time with Dr. Penis. Wow. P-Time. I like that. Wow.

I'm trying to think. We got him. Is there anything else you want to ask? While you're thinking, I just want to point out in my back to my left over here, I have the sex gong and also uh the tiki tiki torch necklace that you're a mega one of my good friends got me both of those things and he has he has them also so you know it's a good stuff well we love that you're a mega fan and we're a mega fan of yours thank you for answering all of our penis questions uh um donald anything

else you want to say yeah so there is nothing out there that can make it bigger right yeah no no nothing i mean but it's it's not all about that right like it's about speak for yourself doc no just kidding no i'm telling you it's like you know why would you want to go bigger you're like a guy with a like a triple x. No, I'm not talking about. Is it a 4XL? Listen, listen. I think any guy who watches porn will, it's a mind fuck, first of all. So, you know. Yeah, but these men have been chosen because they have.

Absolutely. Absolutely. But if you watch that shit, you get caught up in, I don't look like that. Right. Well, what about those men who have been really born with a micro penis like a really, really tiny, tiny, nothing, nothing. Is there anything that can be done for those, those men? I mean,

they're usually have seen like a pediatric urologist when they're kids and there are surgeries that you can do because the more the bigger issue is is um kind of oftentimes with like you're urinating and those kind of things as a kid because the hole often is not at the tip when patients who have um like small phalluses so you know there you can actually give them some testosterone, which can help, but there are surgeries that you can kind of do and that can make it look more normal. And as they grow, um, it should grow. Um, that's kind of, there's a lot of, do you watch Dave, the show Dave? Yeah.

All right. That's what he has. So he is, he has this thing where he has to, he, I don't know if he fixed it or not, but he had to, he had to hold, he had to cover a hole in order for it to pee through the urethra. Right. So, and he, he describes it. He has, it's, it's called hypospadias. So if my finger is a penis, usually the hole is at the tip. It can have, the hole can kind of be at any point. Oh my penis that you're born with wow and the the closer to the tip it is kind of the less severe i don't know where his hole was but it was somewhere yeah as often these are treated as a as when you're an infant or a child which is a whole other separate issue about intersex development issues and right let's not go down that road but

i'm saying but that sounds fixable why why wouldn't someone like that fixed one of the complications is that it kind of reopens and i think what happened to him is that it reopened and to fix it it would be a more extensive uh surgery and he didn't want to do that and so he just holds his finger it said from what it sounds like on the tv show if he holds his finger over that hole, then the pee will come out the normal hole instead of the normal. Wow. I kind of wanted to see it.

They talk about it so much in the show. And the show is so graphic. I thought they were going to cut to it. No, yeah. So in training, I've done so many surgeries, like the primary surgery and even the repair of that concussion. What if Donald wanted to add a second hole on purpose? No, no, no.

Would he be allowed? I want to get back to my- I mean, that's what Prince Albert is, right? I want to- But what does that- Does that do anything for you, though? Does that make anything better? You know what I mean?

What's the point of doing these things if it doesn't- No, you don't need a second hole. It's like a piercing. I don't know. What if someone- A piercing. What's the point of getting it if it doesn't make sex better? like what's the point of getting it if it doesn't make sex better that's on our new merch uh that's coming to you

like real talk like why why would i don't know anyway anyway anyway dr brick thank you so much for your time thanks for being a fan and uh we really we hope you'll come back and join us and by then hopefully we'll have a theme song for you. That would be amazing. That would be amazing. All right. Uh, thunderous applause for, uh,

Dr. Uh, brick slash Dr. Penis. Thank you so much. All right. I think that's it guys. I think we did it. We did the show.

Not only did we, not only did we do it, I'm going to be honest with you. I felt a little rusty. I feel a little rusty coming back to it. I'm going to, I'm not going to lie to you. Uh felt a little rusty. I feel a little rusty coming back to it. I'm not going to lie to you. You guys got to snow. One more episode in season five and then it's time for season six.

And goodness knows what that will bring. I mean, there's an amazing... There's so much good urology stuff that's coming. Dr. Brick, we gave you your exit applause. You're not really supposed to be talking. But he's right. Turk's nut. Turk's bionic nut.

We'll have you back on when we talk about the Turk's special nut. He has a bionic nut, pretty much. And it gives off heat when we go camping, remember? We gather around your nut. That's bionic. Would that be bionic? Because of, it's, I don't know. I don't know.

Don't tell us, Dr. Brick. Dr. Brick, you don't ever hear about implants. He's not supposed to talk anymore. We've given him his egg to the pool. Alright, everybody. We love you. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next time. Donald, sit down.

Five, six, seven, eight. Stories about a show we made. About a bunch of doctors and nurses and a janitor who loved to hate. I said here's the stories that we all should know. So gather round to hear our, gather round to hear our Spoke to Rewatch Show with Zach and Donald. Mm-hmm. Hi, friends. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce.

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