Family Trips with the Meyers Brothers - PAUL SCHEER Almost Burned Down Rocking Horse Ranch

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Paul Scheer joins Seth and Josh on the pod this week! He tells them about the time he almost burned down Rocking Horse Ranch when he was a kid, his stepdad catching opossums, his vivid imagination as a child, and so much more!

This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Here we go. Hey, everyone. Stick around to listen to Seth and I surprise our mom in the new Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek, courtesy of Nissan. Hey, Paji. Hey, Sufi.

So you really were, I mean, fiancé of the year. You booked Boyd Martin as a guest on our show. I did. I did. And he is a Olympian, he is an equestrian, You booked Boyd Martin as guest on our show. He is a Olympian, he is an equestrian, and he is your wife to be his favorite person, maybe. Yeah, I mean, one of her professional heroes without a doubt. And so I'm wondering, I got a text from her already

saying how much she liked it. Was she thrilled? She was thrilled. I've gotten texts as well as we've been recording. I've gotten texts from her mother before, we're recording this on the day that the Boyd, this little chunk, on the day that the Boyd episode dropped. And as I was setting up for the podcast downstairs, I could hear Mackenzie listening to the Boyd episode dropped. And as I was setting up for the podcast downstairs,

I could hear Mackenzie listening to the Boyd one upstairs. So it was like- So this as soon as it dropped, she was like, be like a Swifty on the day the new album's released. Absolutely. And yeah, I mean, I guess you could say I'm fiance of the year, but also this was her suggestion.

So I gotta say she might be fiance of the year as well, just with an extra E. Neck and neck between you two right now. We had a moment the other day, I was not with my wife and children. I was not with them because I was told there was not room on the boat, okay? You know, my father-in-law's a boat.

Yep. And she had over invited friends who also had children. And so this isn't a case, if you're listening, I'm not some absentee dad. I stayed home because it had been requested that I stay home. Yeah. So then they come back, Axel's glasses are missing.

And I hear the story that they're getting into the dinghy and one of Alexi's oldest friends stepped on the dinghy and like funny and the whole dinghy flipped over with kids in it. And again, deep water. So she was a bit of a dinghy? She was a bit of a dinghy. Glasses came off.

I guess people immediately dove into the water trying to get Axel's glasses. Nobody could find the glasses. Everybody came home and they were all laughing it up about how funny it had been when the dinghy tipped over and ha ha, glasses are lost, but you know what? They're just glasses. He's got a backup pair.

Yeah. All I could think Posh was this. Had I stepped on the dinghy wrong, it would have been a different story. It would have been. This would not have been the revelry that her friend was receiving for his misstep. Yeah.

It was rather, it would have rather been a trauma we would still be unpacking. Do they, anytime you go back to that dinghy or people looking in the water and thank you for asking, they've checked four different times. And there have been my brother in Laetolia and Tom went out with like headlamps. I should note everybody who's going

is going for the adventure. It's a little bit like treasure hunters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody is going because people are begging them to, you know, waste their time. Everybody is sort of, everybody wants to be the one who comes up with the brass ring and says, I found the glasses.

Yeah, has anyone gone out there with snorkeling equipment? There's been some snorkeling equipment. I will say that I'm very excited about my plan, which is to order, to reorder the pair and then pretend to find them. Oh yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, right.

You think I can get away with that? Maybe. I ordered them. Would you scratch them up a little bit so they look. No, I did ask, I called the glasses place and I said, can you put some seaweed on it? I think that might be great if I do that.

I know that you were requested to not go on this trip. Yeah. And I know you also, you know, you love your kids and you love to be with your kids and especially if you're going out on an adventure like that, but what percentage of you was thrilled when you were requested to stay behind and spend some time by your lonesome?

It was through the roof, Pashi. But my legs were immediately taken out for me. Why? So it was not decided when I was at home. It was sort of decided on the way. Yeah. And so then I was dropped off somewhere to get picked up by somebody else.

And long story short, I ended up being with a different group of people that was maybe secondary to my own family. Not a bad group of people, but now all of a sudden, A, I'm not on a boat with my kids. Right. B, I'm on land, it's hot, I need a ride.

So I'm sort of a captive audience. Yeah. And were you not just dropped off? Did you have to like spend a couple hours with? I had to spend an hour while some people ate lunch who were then gonna drive me home. Yeah. Yeah. And I was wearing, had I been wearing my running shoes,

I wouldn't, you know me. Yeah, you definitely would have run right home. I'll run anywhere. Yeah. If it means getting away from people. Yeah. But I was in my, yeah, I was in some flippy floppies and I couldn't do it.

Because I already have a not great running form and you don't want to see me in flippy floppies. I think there's, when people say, you don't want to see me in flippy floppies. I think there's When people say, you know, what's it like to be famous? You can't go running and flip flops No, you know what? I mean, like there's you can go for a run obviously But like at some point you just don't want somebody to drive by me like I think Seth Meyers has lost his mind Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Well, that's too bad. Yeah, but you know, the good news is we got backup glasses, Axel's happy.

Did you at least get like a second lunch out of it or something like that? Like, did you eat lunch with those people? I ate a second piece of pizza, yes. Thank you for asking. All right, well, there you go. Addie heard this story, was not there for it, and Addy is fascinated by the fact that a boat tipped over and Axel lost his glasses. So pretty much like three days later, she'll say, why Axel loses his glasses?

Why did boat tip over? And you just have to tell her the whole story from the beginning. Yeah. Well, great story. Great story. I mean, it's not a great story, but she's so young, she hasn't heard any of the real good ones.

For her, it's a great story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We got a lovely guest today, a fella I used to improvise with. His name's Paul Shear. Funny guy. He's an author, he's a comedian, he's an actor, he's a podcaster,

and you're gonna really enjoy our conversation with him. Yeah, he hits us. He hits us with a story. He hits us with a long one. He brings a story and it's very much appreciated. Yeah. We like them every way they come, but every now and then somebody shows up

and they got one story that represents the breadth of their family trips. Yeah, so kudos to Paul Scheer. Kudos and kudos to you for listening. Thanks. Family trips with the Myers Brothers. Family trips with the Myers Brothers. Here it goes. The mind is blue

Here it goes Look at that background. You're like, uh... Come on, guys. Yeah. You know, depth of focus. Trying to make it all work, you know. Look at you. But with the colored lights, it looks like a set. It looks like you live in a set. I've hired Spielberg's DP to come in here every morning. Just to kind of make it nice, make it fun.

Yeah, why not? You obviously, Paul, I just want to say real quick, you obviously have your own very popular podcast with June and Jason. But can I shout out a guest appearance you had on a recent podcast when you did Say More with Dr. Sheila? Oh my gosh, I love that.

Which is of course Amy Poehler's podcast and it was you and June as well. It was really, I was on an airplane listening to it and I had a real like, how many might have to stop listening to this? I'm laughing far too loud at this thing. I love those Poehler podcasts. They're so funny.

I mean, now they're doing the women talking about murder, which just, it kills me. I'm like, it is such a funny thing, but I love that character. I'm obsessed with couples therapy too, because that, not couples therapy of a concept, couples therapy of the Showtime show, which is, wow.

I mean, I can watch that thing. It's like, it was so, I can watch that thing. It was so fun to act that out. Yeah, I see I have no interest in watching people go through a couples therapy, but it does seem like that's a show that people really genuinely love. I think what's good about it is,

well, first of all, you have these couples that seemingly hate each other or do wanna have like three ways. They wanna open it up, right? Like, it's like, it's like, and I think what I like about it as somebody who has gone to therapy is I can take myself out of it

and just sit there as like a therapist and be like, oh, this is a, this couple's going, like you can kind of make bets on it. Like you can be like, oh, this is not gonna work out. This is clearly what this is. So it's really fun. It's like, I don't know these people. I have no vested interest in them. So I can just watch them either, you know,

they can just totally implode on themselves or succeed. But a lot of the times they're imploding on themselves. Yeah, I mean, you don't get on that. It's like no one with no real interesting or sort of dramatic story is gonna get on Jerry Springer. Like they've gone through some layers of vetting to be like, oh, you guys are gonna be good fodder. The saddest thing about Couples Therapy,

the Showtime show is they'll do the whole season and you get connected to these four or five couples. And then the last episode is like the people who didn't make the series cut. It's just sort of like, here's some moments from like eight other people that weren't interesting enough to be on the show. And then I'm thinking as a person,

you're watching this, you're like, oh, wow, I gave everything on camera and it didn't even make the cut of the Showtime show. You're just like bonus features. That then sounds like a whole new thing you have to talk through in therapy. The reality that my terrible marriage also wasn't interesting enough

to make a show about terrible marriages. It was just mediocre. It was just, we were just kind of just by the book, terrible marriage. But again, I don't even understand why anyone would subject themselves to be on camera in any therapy setting whatsoever. It is truly amazing. We're lucky, we're all very lucky

that we were good at improv and we could find our way on camera for that. Yeah, but also we've all, as Paul's just admitted, I know you have, Seth and I have, we've all also been in therapy. Yeah. So yeah. And I do sort of low key film myself in therapy

and I do watch that back. I do like to watch that back. I have a GoPro for my therapist and me, so she wears one on her head and I wear one on my head. And then I cut the footage together. But then the problem with that of course is in the footage you're wearing a GoPro. Right, which is yeah, I mean,

so then I have to bring it to an effects house, and I'm taking that out. Oh, really? Do you pay to get the GoPro CGI'd out? Well, Spielberg's DP has a guy who is great at it. I'm spending a lot of money. Apparently Writers Guild does not pay for that insurance. So you, Paul, only child, correct? Only child, yes.

Okay. Only child did have. Okay, only child. Only child did have a step sister for a while. And this is like at the time where, and I don't know if you experienced any of this, there was no email, there was no, you know, phone was about the only way. And like sometimes people would just leave your life and there was like no way to contact them.

I dated this girl in sixth grade. We both went to different schools. I just never talked to her again. It was just like, that was it. We just went in different directions. And when my mom got, when we got divorced and moved out of the situation, like just never talked to that stepsister again.

It was just sort of like, it's gone. It's just out. And so how old were you the last time you saw her? Probably like fourth or fifth grade, like that era. So again, like it wasn't like I was like 14 years old and I knew how to keep correspondence up. It was like, at that point it was like, I don't know. Yeah, and how long had she been in your life?

She had been in my life probably for like, I would say like from kindergarten to fifth, like that kind of, you know, that kind of, you know. This is big years. And what was the age gap between you guys? Big. She was like a junior in high school and I was, you know, in that fourth or fifth grade.

All right, so this is more understandable. Like, it should also be noted that she definitely knew how to stay in touch with someone and chose not to stay in touch with you. Oh no, am I the cutout person on the couple's therapy show? Well, you also are sort of lamenting this girl you dated in sixth grade and lost touch with. Well, you know- I don't know that we all keep up

with those girls. But you know what was so funny? Cause these people that you're like, oh, I'm in this relationship. And then it was like, oh, we're just, we don't go to the same school anymore. And that was it. Like I felt like I moved around to so many different schools

that like just best friends, girlfriends, whatever, just it was just like, well, there's nothing we can do. That's it. Like it's like the old West. It's you're over here, I'm over here. Even though we lived probably 20 minutes away from each other, it was like, never see you ever again. we lived probably 20 minutes away from each other. It was like, never see you ever again.

Yeah, we didn't move a ton, but we did, you know, how old were you when we moved from Michigan? Middle of second grade, I want to say. Middle second and middle of third. I certainly, so I'm fourth grade, and I definitely in my head thought I would stay in touch with my Michigan friends after that. And then you, I feel like everybody writes one postcard.

Yes. Yeah. Like Seth, you had Hamilton Baker, I had Bobby Agrawal and yeah. But I feel like you, haven't you been in touch with Hamilton? No, but I do feel like I found out, I think he's a very successful doctor somewhere and I'm gonna write him a letter.

Yeah, you see, it's interesting that he hasn't reached out to you, because sometimes I will have a person from the past kind of reach out to me a very successful doctor somewhere and I'm gonna write him a letter. Yeah, you see, it's interesting that he hasn't reached out to you, because sometimes I will have a person from the past kind of reach out to me. And it's a nice, it's actually a really lovely thing, but then it's immediately like, oh, I don't know, I don't know where it goes. And it's not because like, oh, I do this.

And I was like, oh yeah, but like 35 years have passed and I don't know that we got to go dig in here. Like it's, you know, at a certain point I was like, oh yeah, but like 35 years have passed and I don't know, we gotta go dig in here. Like it's, you know, at a certain point it's like, all right, well, maybe I'll bet. And it should be noted when you're a fourth grader, I feel like a week is 35 years because I also felt like I called,

I was up like, my parents put me on the phone with Hamilton Baker and you realize you just, if you're not there, you don't wanna hear about what's happening in fourth grade. Also, I have a seven year old andold and a 10-year-old. If I try to get them on the phone and I'm away for more than two days, it's like, they're not great conversationalists.

I'm not gonna get a lot out of them. At most, if I'm lucky, I'll hear a very detailed recap of what happened in Super Mario versus Rabbids Kingdom Battle. They like to do movie recaps. They also like to scream at you. So in the summer I come back to the show, you know, back to the city, and the kids are, you know, they're away for the summer.

And every time I talk to them, they just scream at me stuff they need me to bring. Like stuff from their room. They just all of a sudden remember they need a Harry Potter wand for the summer. And they just scream at me on FaceTime. I was woken up, like every morning I am woken up in my house by a gentle push to be like, where's my iPad?

Like, as if when they go to bed I'm like, all right, finally now I get to hide this. Wait, do you have, is there a worse offender of your 10 and seven that wakes you up more often? Oh, my seven-year-old will sneak into our bed all the time and when he does, he does not sleep head to toe or like the way that you would normally sleep on a bed, he sleeps across it.

So it's basically creating an H between my wife and I. And as it gets hotter and more uncomfortable, and he's heavier, it's like this 80 pound brick that we're both trying to maneuver around in sleep. And yeah, so he keeps us up without, he sleeps soundly. We are just working around this body. Hey, we're gonna take a quick break and hear from some of our sponsors. Family Trips is supported by Airbnb. Hey, Pashi.

Yes, Sufi. You know, the Pittsburgh Steelers schedule comes out and we just immediately, you, me, mom, dad, start trying to find our weekend. Yeah, we look in that calendar and then, yeah, we sort of throw our marker down. And then sort of throw our marker down. And then once we throw our marker down, our next stop is Airbnb because we, last year, famously, all stayed together under one roof in a wonderful home in Pittsburgh. Years before, we'd done hotels and it just was such a nicer way to do it. Yeah, it's nice to wake up, come downstairs, make a pot of coffee, and then have mom and

dad roll out and have that coffee ready. Have some bagels. Just be able to sit around and have breakfast and feel almost like it would feel if we were in our own home. And you know what we had that was really special? We had a porch swing. We took photos in a porch swing. Yeah.

Can I say something? Every one of them worse than the last. And I will say porch swings are wonderful. They take worse photos than you think. I think porch swings are good to take photos of children. I think for adults, it's just all thigh. Hmm. You know what I mean? It was a real meaty, like a lot of meaty thighs in that photo.

I think I was standing off to the side. You were smart. Point is, maybe you're someone right now who's listening and you're like, I got a port swing. I've got one of these houses that has these little details, the details that I've put a lot of thought into, and maybe a family would like to come

and stay at my place instead of at a hotel. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Support for Family Trips comes from Element. Hey Pashi. Yes, Sufi. Very happy to be talking about Element again because it helps anyone stay hydrated

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So your parents, how old were you when your parents got divorced? So, you know, I said I moved around a lot. I'll just give you a kind of a big overview. I moved six times by the time I finished high school. So that was, you know, so a bunch of different moving arounds. My mom was married to my dad until I was two or three.

And then they faked living together, very Truman Show style, like as a married couple in the house that we grew up in. But they were divorced, but my dad was like coming in in the morning before I got up and like was at the kitchen table with his cup of coffee. And I didn't know that they were separated.

And then my mom got married to another guy. And that was a lot more of my youthful, I remember that a lot clearer. And that guy, she was with for until about fifth or sixth grade and then we kind of moved off and found somebody else. Gotcha. It should be noted, you speak about,

in a very funny way, you have this new book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, about, that was not a wonderful time. No, it was, I mean, and this is always a hard, like, I always feel like I have to, like, drop this in a weird way, but it's like, yeah, it was a super abusive situation. My stepdad was this, like, kind of truck driver

for a local supermarket chain who just would come home beat up from fights and also just brought that energy into the house. But in a weird way, I think the joyful recollections of trauma was it was just like, it was a flavor of growing up. There were great moments, there were scary moments, there were, it was all kind of mixed together in a way.

Obviously it speaks to how, I mean, hopefully I'm not, this isn't just pure guesswork, but your parents obviously cared about you a great deal after they divorced to go through this charade of coming in the morning and having coffee. But then was it jarring when your mom got remarried because it must've felt sudden, even though she'd been divorced?

Yeah, it was weird, because again, talking about that idea when you are a kid, just things are happening and you don't even know. And I think a lot of the times, it wasn't like I was part of the courtship of my mom and this new guy. A little bit more with the second guy that she married, but the first guy she married,

it was sort of like, we're getting married. And you're like, oh, all right, sure. Remember that guy you've met like a handful of times? I'm marrying him, right? You know, so it, because my mom also, I think, was very, like very much like, we will not live together until we get married. That kind of very Catholic upbringing, you know, so it wasn't like, this man was around-ish,

but it wasn't like, and then we were married and then we were full on in. Do you remember, so were your first, the first vacations you have memories of, The first man was around-ish, but it wasn't like, and then we were married and then we were full on in. Do you remember, so were your first, the first vacations you have memories of, were you too young to remember anything with your parents? I don't really remember a trip with my mom and dad. I remember a lot of trips with my dad,

because my dad and I, my dad was single and we would go off and do these really fun trips. And a lot of the trips I remember were in this zone of, like young trips, were with my mom and this guy. And also sometimes my stepsister, you know, so we would, because that would be the time that we would all get together and do this like once a year thing.

So you were born in Huntington, New York. So is all of this around, where's Huntington exactly? Yeah, Huntington is, I mean, it's just like Long Island. Think of it like that. Like, so off, you know, like near New York, just Long Island, not the fancy part of Long Island, but just like a nice middle-class Long Island. Even though somebody who looked at my house growing up said,

oh, you grew up in a trailer park. I was like, well, it, you know, different, you know, it's not really a trailer park, but it was one of the nicest people who looked at it and was like, oh yeah, trailer park. I was like, oh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Trailer park's not necessarily a negative. No, yeah. Like my house, we had a bunch of horses and dogs. So instead of having a front yard, it was just a giant horse corral and a barn. So like we had a small house and a, and still to this day, I've never seen anyone

besides people who like live in Montana that have that. Like we were on a residential block, you know, no other house had a barn and we had a barn and horses running. I don't think it was zoned correctly honestly. Because you know, horses were sometimes running out into the street. and we had a barn and horses running. I don't think it was zoned correctly, honestly. Yeah. Because, you know, horses were sometimes

running out into the street. So, but the vacation that I really remember, I mean, I remember so many of these vacations, but there is one, I talk about it in the book a little bit, but it is when I almost burnt a family resort to the ground because there's a place called Rocking Horse Ranch and it was a kind of a dude ranch, which ultimately when you grew up on a house

with like horses and dogs, going to a dude ranch was not a vacation. It was just like, I'm going to what I live on. Like it was like, you get to hang out with horses. It was like, you get to hang out with horses. I'm like, every day I hang out with horses. And I ate them. It would be like if I went to Vegas and stayed at New York, New York.

Yes, exactly. They have the Statue of Liberty. It's like, I'm like, oh, good, we get to ride horses? We have three of them in our backyard. Which also sounds like, whenever I say I have horses, it does sound like I was a rich kid, like, oh, we had three horses. I don't know how we got these horses. They did not seem like a status symbol.

They were not viewed as a status symbol. It was like, I once asked, like, how are we getting all these horses? And my, my stepfather was like, oh, they're about to, whenever they're about to kill one of them, they give us first dibs on it. So I don't know what that means. I don't know if we had these lame horses or they were race horses. Did you ride them?

Did anyone ride them or were they just? Yes, we did ride them and they were like, they were fully capable as like real horses. They weren't just like, it wasn't like we were like, you know, vets, but the thing about it was I had a disdain for them because all I did was have to clean up after them. Like as a little kid, like I'm trying to get my kids

to do chores and their chores are so simple. It's like brush your teeth, you know, put your clothes in the hamper. Like this, my chores were like, pick up horse shit, like go in the backyard, muck the corrals, get hay in their like, in the backyard, muck the corrals, get hay in their like trough. It was manual labor and it was in the middle of summer and I'm out there with a bucket just shoveling a lot of horse shit and dog shit and spraying down kennels.

So the last thing I wanted to do was like, spend any more time with these animals. It was like, my job was that. It was like, oh, now I can just go home and watch TV. Wouldn't that be better than being with these horses? Like I was done. But yes, they were able to be ridden and, yeah, and so we went to this dude ranch. It was like one of those-

Out West is Rocking Horse Ranch out West? Oh, no, no. It's just 40 minutes North of where we lived. It was like, it was, we were close. The time zone didn't change. The weather didn't change. We just went to a more dusty place. And it was funny, because as I've been talking a little bit,

so many people went to this Rocking Horse Ranch or grew up in New York. Cause I think it was like bill because as I've been talking a little bit, so many people went to this rocking horse ranch and grew up in New York, because I think it was like billed on TV as like, I don't know, when I was growing up in New York, there were like four places that you would see on TV advertised all the time. Action Park, which was like the death park, where it was like, oh, someone died at Action Park.

Because they were like- There's a documentary about Action Park, isn't there? Yes, yeah, and it was like, they had a loop-to-loop water slide that people were getting stuck at the top of, because it was like a closed slide and like breaking their neck and coming out dead. You know, so that was like, that was Action Park.

You gotta get that. I will tell you, if you have an amusement park, the last thing you wanna hear is they're making a documentary about it, because everybody knows. It was like, it was so fun. Yeah, exactly. We had to make a doc. Yeah.

So there was the death park. Then there was like this Mount Airy Lodge, which I went back and rewatched commercials for recently. Just seemed like a fuck hotel for adults. It just seemed like it was just like, they're in a giant champagne glass, in a bathtub champagne glass, you know, it was like, bring your love of everything.

It was like, people were doing low amounts of cocaine and going to like, again, right upstate New York and just getting, just fucking. And then it was Rocking Horse Ranch. And Rocking Horse Ranch was, you know, like, I don't know what you guys were like. You had this built-in thing of, you know, how quick- Can I just say real quick, it sounds terrible,

but since after you named the other commercials you saw, it does seem like the best one. Oh, 100%. Like, if you had to pick between three, I'm glad I went to that one. Yeah, either the death park or the fuck hotel. You know, the fuck hotel, I just have to be sitting by the pool,

like, just waiting for my parents to finish fucking. I'm like, oh, what are they doing? Don't go in the champagne glass, Paul. I really got obsessed with it. Like, Hubel and I were talking about, Rob Hubel and I, I pulled up these images of it, and there seemed to be like one bedroom where the foot of the bed was just like a lap pool,

like which was not romantic, but I guess it felt like, hey, you could also be swimming. It just, it felt like we're trying to be sexy, but I don't know, maybe it was an Olympic training facility that they converted on some level. Like it wasn't fully sexy, but it was functional. But you guys, how long, what's an age difference between the two of you?

Just two years. See that, so I, like I said, I had this big age difference between my stepsister and I. So she was allowed to go out in the woods and go smoke. You know, like, I mean, not, my parents didn't know that she was smoking, but she could be like, I'm just gonna go wander around, smoke,

listen to my Walkman and be fine. And I was like forced to do the kid activities. Like it was like put your kids in day camp while you're on vacation, which my kids, I mean, before we even go on vacation, like, and you're not putting us in day camp, right? You're not putting us in day camp. I'm like, guys, it's like, we would be the best.

Like you get to do all this, no, no, oh my God. And they revolt. I remember one time, Jude and I, we just go get a massage and you guys go to day camp. And they're like, ah, so angry. And it's like, meanwhile, they go and it's like a room full of video games. They're playing football.

They're having the time of their life, but you think you're sending them to a torture camp. So, but I had no choice. I had to do like the day camp and the day camp was all just like horse related activities. It was just like straight up, like watch us shoe a horse, then pet a horse, take a tour of the barn, you know, it was like nothing that was fun.

The only thing I wanted to do was archery, which I couldn't do because I was too young. It was like, oh, you're not old enough to do archery. So I just had to sit on the sidelines watching other kids in my group do archery. So it was like a miserable, a miserable experience. And I- So you thought you had to burn it all down.

Yeah, I was like, let's destroy this place. Let me destroy it. And for me, it was like, this is when I realized, can I maybe beg my parents not to do this thing? Can I say, can I not do the kids camp? And I was like, mom, can I not do it? And she's like, well, what are you gonna do? I'm like, I don't know, I'll do the kids camp? And I was like, you know, mom, can I not do it? And she's like, well, what are you gonna do? I'm like, I don't know, I'll do anything but that.

She's like, well, we're busy, adults are busy. I mean, this is like a tactic my parents used all the time. Like when I was a kid, they went skiing and they're like, I don't wanna go skiing. They're like, well, you'll just have to sit in the lodge all day. And it was like this challenge that I took that only penalized me.

I was like, I will, I will sit here in the lodge. And I would read a book and listen to my Walkman, which was often just tapes of movies that I loved. I would be listening to Back to the Future on audio cassette. You know, I'm like, hey, Ram. You know, and I was like, you can't make me ski. I'll sit here with adults for seven hours. So, but my mom was like, well, if you want to do this,

you can't bother us until five o'clock. And I was like, deal. Like I can take, I can give me my time in the hole. I'll take it. I'll figure out something. Because even if I just sat in my bed and watched TV all day, I would be psyched. I mean, it wasn't like, I just didn't want to do that.

And now we're going to take a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors. Hi, Pashi. Hi, Sufi. Oh my gosh, it's so great to see you on Zoom. We're not on Zoom. No, guess where we are, everybody. You can tell it sounds a little different.

This is a very special segment. It's a road trip segment of Family Trips brought to you by Nissan. We are in our hometown. We both flew into Logan Airport today. We picked up our Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek, hooked up our Apple CarPlay. Wireless-ly.

Wireless-ly, which is very helpful because Boston is not an easy place for outsiders to navigate, but thanks to having it on the screen of our Nissan, we were safely escorted from the city. And there's an intelligent around view monitor. Have you been enjoying that so far, Posh? Well, I think the nice thing about the around view monitor

is you don't have to worry about it because you know that your car is looking around for you. And now we're going to pull into our childhood home and we're in a very smooth ride. This is a beautiful car. Yeah. And it's rugged. It's tough. It's rugged. It's tough. We're in very smooth New Hampshire roads right now, but we went through the rugged terrain of Boston near the airport. This thing handled itself with great distinction, Pashi. Yeah, this Pathfinder feels like it could really go off road, like it could be aggressively off road. While you're looking for aggression,

I found my way into the second row, took a little snooze in the beautiful captain seat. Oh, yeah? And you know what I had a dream about? What's that? This car. That's how good it is. Yeah. And now we are driving up our cul-de-sac.

We live at the top of a cul-de-sac. Cul-de-sac is French for the dead end. What is it? I don't know. Cul-de-sac? Oh, I don't know. And, oh, here's the thing. My mom, our mom, doesn't know we're coming. So we're about to surprise her. We want to thank Nissan.

We want to thank their tubular roof rack, which allowed us to load up a ton of extra baggage for a trip. And now we're pulling in, you guys. And let's see what our mom says. I hope she curses. Honk the horn, get her out here. We are walking up to our mother.

She looks a little stunned, you guys. Hurry! Are you surprised? -"A gog might be the word for it." -"A gog." Hurry, tell the podcast audience how excited you are. -"Fifty-sided." -"Fifty-sided." Good work, Daddy Boy.

Did she see this coming at all? -"No, she was completely in the dark." -"All right, she's completely in the dark. All right, she was completely in the dark. What do you guys think of the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek? Ooh, it's so smooth. Such a nice, smooth ride. Wow. And I only had one cocktail.

Yeah, look at that. For her to say that after one cocktail. It's much nicer than the cars you guys normally drive. That is a... I feel like that's a compliment sort of wrapped inside a criticism, but. Posh, while we're here, can I tell you a little bit more about the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek?

Yeah, are you gonna keep talking so loud? They features 18 inch bead lock style wheels with all terrain tires, plus a tubular roof rack, we talked about that, with up to 220 pounds. 220 pounds, Posh. That's a lot of gear. That's like you holding a 50 pound tortoise. Dynamic capacity for loading up your gear, the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek is designed to be aggressive all the way up to the front grille and all the while you can

stay connected while you drive with wireless Apple CarPlay, I mentioned that too, allowing you to listen to unbelievable, life-changing, mind-blowing podcasts and also family trips. I have a honest question. Yes. Over, under two and a half, how many times has this current seat situation happened where Pasha and I are in the front seat and you guys are in the back?

Over, under two and a half in our entire lives? Under. Under. Yeah, I can't believe you guys are in the back seat Over under 2 1 half in our entire lives. Under. Under. Yeah. I can't believe you guys are in the back seat and we're in the front seat. Well, one of the things about this vehicle that you've got here for us today... The Rock Creek? Yeah. The Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek?

Yeah. It's pretty luxurious back here. Very luxurious. You're in what's known as captain seats. We stepped back here by choice. We didn't even think about you know the front seat. I can stretch my legs all the way out and I have long legs. I'm not a pipsqueak. Um hurry since you're in the captain seat do you mind saying I'm the captain now? I'm the captain. Well almost. We'll pick up the now later and edit it.

Um all right well. Maybe she didn't hear you because it's so roomy back here that we're kind of far away from us. Well, thank you so much to Nissan. Nissan? That's how my son Axel would say it. Thank you for sponsoring this family trip, this special segment where we go home and visit our parents. Oh, Josh is honking the horn again because we're passing the golf course. Cargo and load capacity limited by weight and distribution. Always secure cargo. Heavy loading of the vehicle with cargo especially on the roof will affect the handling and stability of the vehicle. Intelligent four-wheel drive cannot

prevent collisions or provide enhanced traction in all conditions. Always monitor traffic and weather conditions. Compatible device service and consumer activation of Nissan Connect Services package required. Use only when safe and enhanced traction in all conditions. Always monitor traffic and weather conditions. Compatible device service and consumer activation of Nissan Connect services package required. Use only when safe and legal, subject to third-party service availability. Apple CarPlay is a trademark of Apple Inc. So as an only child,

and even though I had this stepsister, you know, who was off doing her own thing, you know, she didn't want to hang out with me. She did in a way, like I think she does in a way that when I see older people wanna hang out with my kids, my kids are so much fun for about 35 to 40 minutes. And then it's like, well, then I have to now start to do more.

Like I've run out of all the things that I can do with them. So now I'm gonna just like slowly walk away from them, which is totally fine. No one has to take care of my children, but there's a time limit on seven to 10 year olds. It's about 45 minutes and then, and you've done it. You've played the video game, you've shot horse with them, you've tried to teach them something and that's it.

So she went off on her way and I would, as an only child, I would just kind of play by myself. And I would just like, I was obsessed with cop movies and stuff like that. So I would just be like, just creating these fantasies that I was like, this 40 year old grizzled cop, you know, like kind of like I was my own dirty Harry, just like running around like,

God damn it, you brought me back into the goddamn force. You know, like my wife left me, what the hell's going on? And I would do these like elaborate, like I would just be, if you looked at me, I would just be walking around on the grounds of this place, talking to myself, but in that voice, like come back, come back Hanson, like I can't come back, kill those kids.

Like, yeah, it's okay. You know, it's like, you know, like just doing whatever I thought was drama, you know? Like, but I just wanted to be in those like cop movies. So I was doing this in the backyard and part of my thing was like my character smoked, like that I've created in my head. And I didn't-

And this guy would, this guy's been through a lot. Oh, yeah. He's always trying to quit. He's always trying. He knows it's not good for he's on edge He's got to have one vice Exactly. And so I I found like my my stepsisters like cigarettes like behind her pillow in the in the room and Grab the pack like rolling or rolling or whatever the Rocking Horse Ranch matches, you know And and I'm out there pretending to smoke now like rolling whatever the Rocking Horse Ranch matches. And I'm out there pretending to smoke. Now, again, I am not actually smoking. I'm using it like one of those candy cigarettes,

but it is actually like a lit cigarette that I'm like puffing on. Again, if anyone saw, I mean, I'm a kid in sixth grade walking walking around the back of a hotel, smoking a cigarette, talking to myself. I look like I'm having a midlife crisis. But instead I'm acting out this scene where I'm on the Roosevelt Island tram

and I'm fighting and... I just like, yeah, they like... Somebody hears you muttering about a cartel. Yeah, like, god damn it, I gotta find out what those drugs are. They got my child. They got my boy. You know, so like, literally.

And so like, I'm doing this thing and in disgust, I just kind of throw the cigarette, you know, throw it. And again, I'm in my own imaginary world where I'm just, yeah, I'm talking down to terrorists. I'm in my own imaginary world where I'm just, yeah, I'm talking down to terrorists, I'm dealing with cartels. And I just threw that cigarette like, oh, we're apart, this is all pretend.

Not realizing, I just threw a lit cigarette into dry brush behind this hotel that we're behind, you know, and. And I'm not thinking. Dude Ranch is famously full of dry brush. Like I was by a creek bed that looked like no water had been in it for decades. It was just like, it was so covered over in like dry weeds and tumbleweed, if you could have tumbleweed in the East.

And all of a sudden, you know, I'm like continuing to figure out, you know, how to get my kidnapped son back. When I see this fire starting, and I'm behind our cabin, because we're in these like two little cabins, and I freak the hell out because, you know, as a kid we had people come into school

and they teach you like, hey, if you catch on fire, stop, drop, and roll. I understood if I am on fire, what to do. I didn't understand how to put out a fire. Like no one taught me that part of it. So I'm like, and so I see this fire and I'm like, oh, I don't know what to do. And I run back into our little cabin

and I'm like, I'll get some water. And I run to the bathroom and I fill up these like two cups of water, but they're like hotel room cups of water. So they're like, they're tiny, right? So I just, I run outside with these two cups of water and I just like throw it on the fire, which one seems to miss the fire completely.

And the other one, I don't know if it seems to spread it. Like it seemed like whatever I did with that water pushed it further to make the flames go further away and spread out. So now... Now is there any part of you still in character and are you like the Carlucci family? It's an arson.

I got too close. You see, I should have embraced that because I probably would have been able to figure out a solution instead. Like it's that moment. And I have this moment a lot where it's like these, like this moment of like panic sets in where you start to sweat in every part of your body. It's like, I think it's maybe based in like the show, like you've, we've all done bad

shows and you know, when it's going bad immediately, like, Oh, every, like every part of me is now like sweating. And I just feel like I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble. I just got, I did something as an adult last week where I got in trouble. Like I accidentally flooded our basement and I felt like, oh, someone's gonna yell at me. I'm like, oh no, I'm the person that's gonna yell at me.

I'm the adult in this situation. Like there's no parental figure. I have to pay for this. This is, I'm mad at myself. That's the trouble. Yeah. And so I'm just, I have to pay for this. This is, I am mad at myself. That's the trouble. Yeah. And so I'm just like, I'm full on freaking out. The fire now is, you know, is now, you know, trying,

is going and I don't know, all I know is that I am in trouble. Like I can't be setting fires. Like the one day I've asked my parents to let me not do this. And I think on a core level, I'm like, yeah, the fire's bad, but what's worse is they're gonna send me back to horse day camp.

I gotta make sure I don't go back to horse day camp now. Like, how do I do this? That would also be so embarrassing. Just you go the first day and then the second day you start a fire and then the third day, they're like, you guys all remember Paul. Paul's back. He start a fire, and then the third day they're like, you guys all remember Paul. Paul's back.

He started a fire yesterday. Did you guys remember the fire, the smoke in the fire yesterday while I was showing you how to shoe a horse? So I literally go out and go back into the room. Now, Jennifer, my step-sister is there, and she's watching TV, and I'm trying to act cool and casual because again, the thought of going to horse camp

is worse than anything. So I'm just like, and I'm sweating and I am red in the face and she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm just, I'm thirsty, I need to get some water. Let me get some water. And I run in back to the bathroom and come back out with water.

And I go back out and I spray it again. And now the fire is, the brush is a great instrument for fire. It is spreading. It is spreading hard. Now, if I had 10 cups of water, it's not making a difference. It's in so many different spots

and it's kind of racing towards our cabin. And I get back in there and she knows something is up. And she kind of stops me and she's like, Hey, what's going on? I'm like, nothing. I'm just thirsty. I'm just thirsty. And as she kind of confronts me, she has her back to the cabin window and I am facing the cabin window and behind her, I see flames. Like she is engulfed in flames.

I'm like, oh, fire. And so she turns and sees this fire and I'm like, there's a fire and I didn't start it. Like I have not admitted to her. I can't admit. I never wanted to admit any, like it's so funny because I watch my kids now lie and it's like, you know when they're lying.

It's like, it's very clear. It's like, there's also no one else is like eating that. Like no one else came into our room and ate all these, like, you know, hostess cupcakes or whatever, little bites. You know, it's like, you know, and it's like a waiting game of when are they gonna fold? And I didn't wanna fold. I was like, I didn't start it, I didn't start it.

And we both ran out there. And now the fire is on our cabin wall. The back cabin wall is now, there are flames moving up it. And now she, I realized very quickly, even though she's older, she doesn't know what to do. We're both like, ah! And there's no like, maybe there are fire extinguishers around,

I don't see them. It's like we're outdoors, so it feels like you're not near anybody. She said, get your mom, get your mom. And I'm like, I can't, I can't. And she's like, why? I'm like, it's not five o'clock. It's just five o'clock.

I mean, you're like, no, you gotta get him. I can't. You know, so I run and I go get my mom. I'm knocking on the door and there's no answer. And then I knock on the door again and I kind of hear this like weird, you know, this weird voice like, hello. But it's not like, it doesn't sound like my mom,

but it is my mom. And then my mom opens the door and she's fully in a bath, bathrobe. It's the middle of the day. And you know, like there are certain images from your childhood, like this is burnt into my head. I don't know why it registers. Well, I guess I do know why.

But in the moment of this fire, my mom opens it up in the bathroom and I see very clearly champagne, they're on their bed. My stepfather's on the bed, he's also in a bathroom. Champagne in a canister and like and a small thing of caviar, like very tiny, but I just remember that image. I'm like, oh, they're doing the Mount Airy Lodge. They're going to the Fuck Motel in the Rocking Horse.

They're getting the best of both worlds. Yeah, they're seeing it. And now I know why I can't bother them till five. And I just remember it being weird because it was also like a very low, like that sounds like very high class, but it was like high class via low class. Like we saw, like my mom and him saw this in a movie and we're trying to recreate it because I remember one of the cups they had were these cups that if you pop out the bottom,

like it shoots up, it's like a little cylinder, you push it down. So they were drinking champagne out of that. Like it wasn't like, it wasn't super class. And they're like, oh, it's like a little cylinder, it push it down. So they were drinking champagne out of that. Like it wasn't super class. And they're like, oh, there's a fire. I didn't start it. And then my mom and my stepdad have to come out in these like bathrobes to see what's going on. This fire is now raging.

People are coming out of their cabins, and thinking that there's like, oh, is it s'mores time? Is there a s'mores event happening? And it's fire. And I'm just trying to back away and I'm just staying very true to like, there's a fire. I found it, I found it. And you know, and then this rocking horse.

Firefinder, that was your nickname was Firefinder. I mean, it's like, I'm like the, with the nemesis to Drew Barrymore's Firestarter. Yeah, that was, I think Firestarter too, is it was her versus Firefinder. I'll find you Firestarter. And then this guy from Rocking Horse Ranch shows up on a fucking horse, of course, you know, and he's like, what's happening here?

No one's dealing with the fire. The fire is blazing. And I'm like, you know, I'm trying to sneak into the background and my mom's like, he found it, he found a fire. And so now puts me on center stage again, and all of a sudden fire trucks are coming and everything is, the firemen come and they put it out. And I know that this rocking horse ranch guy

has like clocked me. Cause I try to like disappear into the background. He's like, you stay here for a second. And I'm like, oh no, oh no, stay here for a second. I know that that's not a good thing. And you know, so the firefighters finished putting it out, minimal damage. We didn't, I didn't burn it to the ground.

If left untended, it would have done some major damage, but cosmetic is the only thing. It's like the back of our cabin now is black. And the firefighters like, come over here. And they start to like walk me over to their like little fire truck. And they start to surround me. And at this point, I'm like, oh, I'm fucked.

I'm like, I'm done, I'm done for. Like these are, this is the closest I can get to like cops. You know, these are firemen. And they started asking me questions and I'm afraid. And this is, you know, going back to like the abuse of everything. My stepfather had this weird way about him where, you know, you're a little kid,

you believe what your parents tell you. And my stepfather was a person who always told me no matter what I do, I would be going to jail. And it was something that I believed to be like an eventual, it wasn't like, it was like, eventually I will go to jail. I will do something that will send me to jail. I just knew it, because it was like, you don't pick up your plate, you don't put it,

you don't watch your plate, you don't pick up your coat, you're going to jail. It was always jail. But he didn't stop there. He was like, you'll go to jail. And you know what happens in jail to kids like you? And I'm like, no. He's like, you're gonna be raped.

You're gonna be raped every day. Get out of town. Right, and this is, I didn't know what rape was. I didn't know what sex was. I mean, I got an idea of it from seeing like a little picture of my mom with the champagne in the non-aerological. Yeah, exactly. And so, you know, I'm like, but I,

this idea of like being raped is like, yeah, you go into the shower, you drop the soap, you get raped. And I'm like, oh, I'll never take a shower. He's like, doesn't make a difference. They'll find you, they'll rape you. Like, I just thought like jail was like, and it was like this image in my head that felt so real.

And for like a fifth grader, sixth grader, you're like, what? Like, you know, but it was like, I, no one was like, oh, he's joking. Like it was never like, no, no, that's not gonna happen. It was like a true fear. So I'm- It seems like a lot of ways

parenting wasn't a number one skill for this gentleman. But I will say the very fact that just jail alone, he didn't think was a deterrent. Like he had to get into the treatment in jail. Right, it was like, you will go to jail, you'll be separated from your friends and family, but here, it gets worse. It's like, and again, for like mild infractions,

like I'm gonna be raped for not picking up my coat and like putting my laundry in the dishwasher. Oh, you're not gonna like what they do to coat, not pickers uppers. Yeah. Oh man, so I'm surrounded by these, you know, these firefighters and I do have to say, like, there's a part of me that's like,

if I, like, I know that if I'm not putting my dish in the dishwasher, like, I can have to say, there's a part of me that's like, I know that if I'm not putting my dish in the dishwasher, I can go to jail. Like if I'm setting a fire, I'm definitely going to jail. Like this is- They actually have a name for that crime. So you'd better read it. Arson is a thing, right? And so I'm like, I have to double down now.

I have to really double down and not admit that I started this fire. And I'm looking, I gotta, I have to double down now. I have to like really double down and not admit that I started this fire. And it's so, and I'm looking back at it now, it's so clearly I started the fire, right? Like they all know I started the fire, right? Like I didn't find it, it didn't start. And I'm just like, no, I don't know, I don't know. And they're like, well, how do you think it started?

And I'm like, well, you know, maybe because it's been hot out, like the sun hit a window and then the window maybe like, pretty good magnifying glass, you know, maybe because it's been hot out, like the sun hit a window and then the window maybe like pretty good magnifying glass, you know? Pretty good cover story. Did not buy that. Not, I think a magnifying glass would have to be the real, like I think windows don't work as a magnifying glass. So quickly.

And you think the firefighters figured that one out? Yeah, I think the firefighters were one step ahead of that. So then I say, maybe someone was smoking and they accidentally started the fire. And noticing that I am leaning into accidentally because even though I don't wanna blame anyone for this fire, I don't want anyone to go to jail and get raped.

So I'm like, and they're, oh really, maybe someone was smoking. Okay, and I go, you want me to look for the cigarette? But like, I'm implicating myself. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'll look. So I start looking around for it and I find it. I'm like, I found it, I found it. That's what must have happened.

Someone was smoking and it did it. And they're like, is that cigarette yours? And I'm like, no, no, I don't smoke. They're like, empty your pockets. And I empty my pockets and in my pocket is this, you know, Rocking Horse Ranch matchbook where I, you know, I had this matchbook and I'm like, and they got me.

I'm like, I'm caught. But here's the thing, as a kid, there's so many things going on. Am I gonna go to jail and get raped? Am I gonna have to go back to horse camp? And then finally, I'm also mad because I feel like they're trying to pin smoking on me, and I'm like, no, I wasn't smoking.

I'm not, I wasn't smoking. I was taking down a major cartel behind the back of the soda. Like I wanted them to like have some respect for what I was doing, which was play acting by myself. Do you smoke? If they had known the play acting, it would have been well within their rights to be like, we're gonna need your gun and your bad shit.

You're off the case. You know, you could take it away from me, I'm gonna figure out who did this. It is also heartbreaking that the firemen turned out to be far better investigators than you were. Within minutes, yeah. Now we're going to take a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors. This episode of Family Trips is brought to you by Nissan.

Hey Sufi, let's play a quick game. I'm going to say a word and we both say the first word it makes us think of at the same time. Ready? I am ready, Pachi. All right, first word, cereal. Killers. Killers. All right.

Oh, okay, we thought of different cereals, okay. Yeah, that's gonna happen, but maybe, let's try to lock in, let's try to mind meld here. Next word, museum. The Louvre. Gift shop as one word. Okay. I said the Louvre, you said gift shop.

I know we can be better at this. Let's try one more, all right? Okay. All right, last one. Rugged. The Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek where four meets function with stylish orange contrast, stitching and water repellent seed material.

Wow. Wow. I thought you were gonna say me. For rugged? Yeah. Yeah. Posh, with the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek, you can flex your ruggedness from rocky trails

and muddy paths to sandy dunes and snowy roads. Yeah, flex your ruggedness, Soof. I will. Don't, why, stop the laughing. Featuring 18-inch beadlock style wheels and all-terrain tires plus a tubular roof rack with up to 220 pounds of dynamic capacity for loading up your gear, the Nissan Pathfinder Rock Creek is designed to be aggressive all the way up to the front grille. aggressive all the way up to the front grill. And all the while you can stay connected while you drive with wireless Apple CarPlay,

allowing you to listen to unbelievable, life-changing, mind-blowing podcasts, and also family trips. Why also family, nevermind. So thanks again to Nissan for sponsoring this episode of Family Trips. Now, go find your path and enjoy the ride along the way. Learn more at nissanusa.com. Can I do the the fast part Posh? Please. Intelligent four-wheel drive

cannot prevent collisions or provide enhanced traction in all conditions always monitor traffic and weather conditions cargo and low capacity limited by weight and distribution always secure cargo heavy loading of the vehicle with cargo especially on the roof will affect the handling stability of the vehicle compatible device service and consumer activation of Nissan Connect services package required use only when safe and legal subject to third-party service availability. Apple CarPlay is a trademark of AppLink.

That's what it sounds like when you read to your kids. Yeah, I just want to get to bed. I was in this moment where I'm busted. I'm so caught. There's no way out. And we're at the stalemate because I'm not going to admit it. I'm busted, I'm so caught, there's no way out. And we're at the stalemate, because I'm not going to admit it. I'm still not, I'm like, I didn't do it, I didn't do it. I don't know why I have these matches, I didn't do it. And then my step-sister, who kind of been on the outskirts

of this entire thing, comes up behind me and says, oh, he couldn't have done it. He was with me, we were watching TV. And she gave me this, like, Jennifer gave me this alibi, like this, and like, and like kind of rescued me from, you know, being raped for the rest of my life in jail for arson and non coat picker uppers. And it was like this moment of true, like,

it was in a moment where I really didn't have that much like brother and sister action. I felt like that was like, I feel like I had my whole brother and sister moment in that, like she saved me. And like at that point, there was nothing that firefighters could do. They're like, oh, well, she said he was with her.

I mean, I'm sure at this point too, they're like, let's just go the fuck home. I don't need to deal with these two kids. It wasn't like a major investigation. But it was... His parents are in robes. They obviously got something to get back to. Yeah, like why are we trying to pin this on this kid?

Like let this go. Let this go. He's scared enough. Were your parents, did they just go back to their cabin once the firefighters were like taking you through the ring? I remember like they were very much like, okay, yeah, you could take my son. go back to their cabin once the firefighters were like taking you through the ringer? I remember like they were very much like, okay, yeah, you could take my son. Again, these are things like I was talking to a friend the other day.

I was like, oh, latchkey kid. And like, when I think about that, I'm like, that's insane. Like I was a latchkey kid. I would come home alone after school, let myself in, make food, do all this stuff. My kids, I'm nervous if I leave my kids at home. Like I'm like the other day I was like, all right, I'll be, I'm like, I was my kids at home. I'm like, the other day I was like, all right, I'll be, I'm like, June was leaving. I was like, I'll be home in like two minutes.

Like, just let the kids play basketball and I'll be there in two minutes. And she's like, no, I can never do that. I'm like, I'm just, I'm literally, I can see the house. I'm like, I'm in distance. She's like, no. You know, it's like, but we were like so, my parents, like these firemen just take me off

to be interrogated. They weren't around. They were like, no, no, you can firemen just take me off to be interrogated. They weren't around. They were like, no, no, you can be, let them get interrogated, it's fine. I had the boys and we had to go somewhere and I ordered just delivery in New York. And weirdly it was like a hamburger place that said it was gonna be 90 minutes.

It was two blocks away. My wife was out of town and I'm like, they were watching a movie. I just said, I'm gonna run out, I'll be right back, and again, apartment, locked door. I told my wife, she's like, what, you did what? I'm like, I went 10 minutes. Yeah, right, it's like they don't even,

they haven't even moved by the time you've gotten back, but it's like, how do you? Like all of a sudden they're gonna have energy that they never have when watching a movie. Let's burn it down. Yeah. I know, like that, like, I know, but it's so funny. Like, I was left alone so, I mean, it was like very,

you know, very big moments of my life were based in like, just, I love being alone. It was kind of fun. It like, you know, it's like, it's a little scary, but it was like, it's like, all right, but yeah, it's, my, June will never let me like leave them alone like that. I mean, meanwhile, if I do leave that,

like I go downstairs, my son will be like, dad? I'm like, I'm here. Or I went into the kitchen, he's like, dad? I'm like, I'm in the home with you, like you just saw me, I walk, my son's still working on like object permanence where you're like, peek-a-boo, and it's like, you know, it's like, ah, where did you go?

Don't do that to me. That's really fantastic. And so were there any repercussions? Did you have to like pay to, you know? I did go back to horse camp. I was pushed back to horse camp. And that was it. It was like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.

Like they just brought you back and they threw you in a heap. Next time. Next time I'm gonna get out of this place. They're like, well how'd you blow it? You got out! How'd you blow it? You're like, I had to pretend cop. Smoked a cigarette. Started a fire. The one thing I should not have, I could have done anything, but just starting a fire, it was so, I was out. I was out and they brought me back in. It's like you escaped from Alcatraz

and the first thing you did was took a tour of Alcatraz. I'm like, you were out! It's so funny. It's like, oh, I just couldn't, I couldn't. And by the way, never used a real cigarette before, never used matches before. It was like- What about since?

You probably haven't used one since. Did you ever smoke? No. Yeah. No, I was never like a smoker. Like I would occasionally like try to smoke. It was so ingrained in me not to smoke that it was like- This seems like something that maybe,

this was a message from above being like, this might not be- Yeah, it really locked me up. Yeah, like I never really like, was this not a thing you. Yeah, it really locked me up. Yeah, like I never really, like, it was just not a thing. It like, it always looked cool. I would like that. Like on, when I was on Black Monday,

my character had to smoke and we all, and the pilot of Black Monday was me, Don Cheadle, Regina Hall, Andrew Rannells. We went to town on smoking in that show because it was like the eighties, we're Wall Street traders, and everyone's smoking these fake, floral, it's like fake cigarettes.

And we're going so hard, my lungs hurt after the end of that pilot taping, and we all came when the series started, everyone's like, yeah, my character doesn't smoke, yeah, mine doesn't smoke either. I remember sleeping in my bed and breathing my own terrible smoke smell like back into my own,

like, because it was like my own breath was so terrible in the pillow. But it was like, it was so funny. We all went, we are, yeah, finally. We get to smoke on camera. And it was like, to say to anyone, never do it. I also think it's harder now than ever because, you know, even 20 years ago, you smelled other people smoke

so you were a little used to it. Now if you smoked, you would be the only reason you'd ever smell it and you would think, I'm, this is cause of me? Yeah. Like that was a thing, like laying in my own bed, smelling myself, being like, this is just, and I'm not even smoking real cigarettes.

I'm smoking like whatever, you know, incense leaf that they're giving me. I'm like, it was awful. And I had the terrible, like, coughing. I'm like, it's all tough, tough stuff. Thank you for that incredible, incredible story. Really maybe one of the great long stories we've had on the pod.

Yeah, oh good. Yes. Joyful Recollections of Trauma is a fantastic book. Congratulations on that. Thank you so much. Really, how did this get made with you and Manzoukis and June is, how many episodes have you guys done? Oh my gosh, I don't know, but I can tell you

we've been doing the show for 14 years. It's crazy. You guys were one of the first people I knew to do a podcast. It's fantastic. You and I have something in common, which is, do you know the comic book artist, Mitch Garrods? Oh yeah, I love Mitch.

Yeah, so he has drawn me in one of the comics as well, because there's a really great, you and June and Madzoukas are all in it. And I realized, I had not met Mitch, but I realized, oh, he must love comedy. Mitch is so cool. So we did an episode of How Did This Get Made, which is kind of an episode that many people

who are fans of the show love. It was a Drop Dead Fred episode that devolved into the most passionate argument between June and Jason versus me and Casey Wilson about Drop Dead Friends, a Phoebe Cates movie about an invisible friend. And it's a really fun, insane episode, but Mitch was in the audience for that. And he drew, we did a vinyl printing of that album

and he drew this amazing representation of that in our faces. He's so good, I like him so much. I mean, I love all these, you and I have that, Ed Brubaker and Bendis and all these guys. We did a show in Seattle and they all came out to see the show.

And it was so funny because I was signing books after the show and then this line of like comic book royalty like walks by and like, hey, we just wanna say hi. And people on the line like, I've never seen people like, it was like everyone had a momentary freak out of just like these guys coming to see like an improv show in a Seattle day.

They're the best. I do like that it, you must feel proud to know that the people in line to get your books signed are probably the only line of people in the world that would visually recognize Ed Brubaker and Brian Michael Bendis. Yes, it was like, it was so great. It was like, oh, he's the best.

I'm so excited for that reckless series, or not reckless series, that he's working on a criminal now. Yes, I'm very excited too. Wonderful comic book. Is that criminal based on your? Yeah, on me, yeah. By the way, I should call him up and be like, Ed, get me in here, what's going on?

At least a little credit, at least a thank you or an acknowledgement. All right, before we let you go, Paul, Josh is gonna ask you our questions that all of our guests get asked. Speed round. Speed round. I'm looking forward to this.

By the way, I love this show, I love the premise of this show, and I was excited for this. All right, I'm ready. You can only pick one of these. Your ideal vacation is relaxing, adventurous, or educational? Relaxing.

What is your favorite means of transportation? Train, plane, automobile, boat, bike, walking? I'm gonna say that it's gonna be train. Okay. You can take a vacation with any family, alive or dead, real or fictional, other than your own family. What family would you like to take a family vacation with?

The Eddie Murphy family. Oh, where he's all of them? What? The clumps? Yeah, yes, I'm changing my answer to the clumps. I'm saying like, I've seen pictures of Eddie Murphy and his family, they have this big, I've heard them talk about their vacations

and they seem to rent out private islands. And that to me, I would like to go with a person who could rent out a private island. I one, I think that Eddie Murphy takes being a father very seriously and I think it would be an incredible trip. I also, I literally thought you meant the Clums, which I'm on record as saying, I truly believe this, no sarcasm,

Eddie Murphy was robbed of the Oscar that year. It's one of the greatest performances of all time. I literally have been having this conversation for the last week because I showed my son Nutty Professor, and he lost his mind. And I'm like, and I hadn't watched it in a long time, I'm like, this is Eddie Murphy's best performance, hands down, it's a brilliant, beautiful performance.

It really is wonderful. And then he plays off himself multiple times and those scenes are like amazing and fully realized. Yeah, I'm right with you. I'm glad we're on the same page. But the clumps, I know you wanted Eddie Murphy, but I think you should. I'm gonna mine the Clums. I would love to be on a vacation with the Clums.

Clums three, Clums vacation. Yeah, if you had to be stranded on a desert island with one member of your family, who would it be? Does my wife count or I have to be like family? She counts. Okay, I would be my wife. I love my wife. It would have been weird if you didn't go with her

after confirming. Yeah, after you said it. Yeah, she counts, nah. No. Good, or does my make sure? Yeah, okay, definitely. And Huntington, New York is your hometown, is your official hometown, you would say?

Yeah, I'll take that as my hometown, yeah. Okay, would you recommend Huntington as a vacation destination? Absolutely not. Okay. No. All right. Yeah. I do, it is where if you go, at my hometown, yeah. Okay, would you recommend Huntington as a vacation destination? Absolutely not. Okay. No. Yeah. I do, it is where if you go,

there's one house with a horse barn in the back that they say you have to see. Sort of a dude ranch. It has dude ranch vibes. It's a suburban dude ranch. When I was writing my book, there's this thing where you're going back through your childhood and your memories,

and there's a part of you that feels like, am I finessing this a little bit too much? Is it, am I putting a story element to it? Like what's real, what's imagined? You know, not like, not that I made up anything, but like this idea of like, what is in my head, you know? And at the end of the book, I was like, I want to go back to my house.

I hadn't been back to my house I grew up at in like 36 years. And I drove down this, to my area of my house. And it was like, my house was like trapped in amber. And I talked about this, it's not even in the book, but for Halloween, my stepdad would catch a bunch of possums, humanely catch possums and put them in crates. So they would be alive, but they'd be in these like cages and he'd stack them up on our front doorstep

so when kids were trick or treating, they would walk through this like maze of cages. But then as soon as they got to our doorstep, these possums were like, ha, ha, ha! And kids would run away, fucking freaked out of their mind. I mean, rightly so. Of course.

Yeah, they're in there, I mean, everything about that is wrong. But the way he would stack these cages were on this bench, and the bench was always busted and kind of broken. And I was talking about this, I was like, oh, that bench. So I drive back to my house 36 years later, and I'm like, it's locked in amber.

My house, the barn is there, somebody else has moved in there. Horses are running around. And I look at the side of my house and that bench is still there, the broken bench. And I was like, okay, I feel good. I feel like my memory is sound. I remember even detailing.

Cages full of possum bones. Cages full of possum. Because he humanely caught them, he just forgot to humanely let them go. Well, look, you can humanely catch them. You don't have to release them right away. Like that's part of it. Like we got them, now we can play with them.

Yeah, did you knock on the door? Did you? Well, it was my house. So it was like, I was just, I would sit there and watch kids get scared. Like, you know, so I, oh, oh, oh, no, no, knock on the door, no. I'm saying 36 years later, did you say, can I take a walk through here? No, because I'll tell you, when I, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. Not in the dirt, no. I'm saying 36 years later, did you say,

can I take a walk through here? No, because I'll tell you, when I pulled on that block, my heart started to race and I was like, this is not good. And it wasn't like, my stepdad has moved out of there decades ago. Right. I took out my camera to take a picture and I was like, I think I might get shot on this block.

Like there was, there was an element. I was like, it just doesn't feel safe to me. Like it didn't feel like there was an energy that was like, I think I might get shot on this block. Like there was an element, I was like, it just doesn't feel safe to me. Like it didn't feel like there was an energy that was like, I'm dressed the way I am, walking around this neighborhood with a camera. I was like, I'm not knocking on any door. I'm not even getting out of my car. And I was like, I just had the window down.

There's like five pictures I took and it's all from like driving quickly by the house. Just taking pictures really quick. It just felt like there was more signs of this property is protected, you know, with signs like with my gun and my foot, you know. Right, right. And then Seth has our last two questions.

Yes, sorry. Paul, have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? Yes. Worth it? Recently. Yes. Oh boy. Yes. Worth it? Recently. Yes, yes. Nah, nah. Where I would say it wasn't worth it was my wife was convinced that one of us was gonna fall into it

the entire time. Yeah, she's an intelligent woman. It's so protected. The only people who've fallen, and we got into this fight the other night, she's like, people die there all the time. I'm like, they don't die, isn't you saying it? Like people are being sucked into the vortex.

Like people who walk over the protected area and like wanna take a cool selfie might fall off, but like just stay on the path. I brought my dog there, it's fine. But I think it's also like my wife has that thing of like, I'm on a tall building, maybe I'll jump off it. Like it's like that. I have that too. I have that too.

I have that. I'm a little worried. Like if there's just a railing, I don't trust myself. Yeah, like I feel that feeling, but I was never in danger of like, I'm gonna fall off the Grand Canyon. But then you get there and then you're there, a little more comfortable.

Like, well, I'll sit down. I'll sit a little further out. And I was like, no, no, no guys, I'm staying back. I'm staying back. But yeah, it's worth it. And I was like, no, no, no, guys, I'm staying back. I'm staying back. But yeah, it's worth it. And I'll tell you why, maybe I'm more, we went there during COVID. So at that point, anything outdoors is exciting.

I was like, hey, Grand Canyon, we've done it. Yeah, this is getting, your enthusiasm for it continues to get more muted the more you talk. Paul, it's so great to see you. Congrats on the book and thanks so much for joining us. Thank you, Paul. What a pleasure, guys. Absolutely.

It was so fun. All righty, bye. All right, bye. Bye. ["Family Trips"] If you're gonna hit the road and you need some tips, we got you covered over here on family trips An Americana getaway with summer vibes

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Burning down the ranch Please no I'll keep myself company Won't go I know adults are busy I will be good and deaf won't be Burning down the wrench Pretended he's a gritty cop with all manner of crime to start

Save his boy and retire Thinking pacing in disgust Flix a lip butt in the brush Hey, he just found a fire! Oh no! He grabs two cups of water Flames grow His sister says, what's the matter? There is a fire! I did not start!

Burning down the ranch Fire grows and won't be stopped And can't get mom till five o'clock But this is getting scary As his cabin starts to char Bathrobes, champagne and caviar His mom thinks this is Mount Airy Burning down the ranch

Oh fuck Here comes a man on horseback Fired truck His cabin wall is all black His stepdad said he'd go to jail Burning down the ranch His plan was just not to admit But Matchbox found in his pocket Was starting to perspire His sister came to his rescue Said we hung out all afternoon

A sibling moved to admire Yeah, yeah. Thanks again, Nissan, for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at nissanusa.com.