Family Trips with the Meyers Brothers - ZACH WOODS Grew Up in The Brigadoon of Pennsylvania

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

For their very first episode available in both audio AND video , Seth and Josh welcome the hilarious Zach Woods to the pod! From books on tape during roadtrips, being obsessed with Miles Davis as a kid, visiting the Outer Banks, the love of hanging out in Walmart, and Zach’s distaste for vacations, this episode is full of hilarious childhood and family trip stories! NissanGo find your next big adventure, and enjoy the ride along the way. Learn more at Nissan U S A dot com. US BankGo to usbank.com/altitudego to learn more about how you can earn 20,000 bonus points, worth $200, if you spend $1,000 in the first 90 days of opening your account. Eat out or eat in, with the U.S. Bank Altitude® Go Visa Signature® Card. Limited time offer. The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. Bank National Association, pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. Some restrictions may apply. SundaysGet 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to sundaysfordogs.com/TRIPS or use codeTRIPS at checkout. FidelityLearn about the planning effect at fidelity.com/planning effect Zoc DocGo to Zocdoc dot com/TRIPS and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today.

This episode of Family Trips is brought to you by Nissan. Nissan SUVs have the capabilities to take your adventure to the next level. Learn more at NissanUSA.com Hi Poshy. Hi Zufi. Look at this. It's our first video podcast. It's a vodcast. It's a vodcast.

And, you know, I think the nicest thing about doing a video podcast, you get all worried about how your hair is going to look, and then you remember you're going to put on big old headphones. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Yeah. Also, merch, merch, merch, merch, merch. You had these little, these bad boys made up.

I didn't, yeah. Nobody can get this yet, but these are, those were Christmas gifts to everybody who works on family trips with us, you included. And they're comfy cozy. They're comfy cozy, so they're not for sale. Sorry. We probably should have gotten that ready to go before we showed them off. But you know what?

Look, finally there's a YouTube comment section for you to let us know what you think, and so you can go down there and be yay or nay on whether or not we should actually get these for sale yeah and don't be mean yeah don't be mean about the sweatshirts and the YouTube comments or in general

yeah or if you're gonna be mean be funny about it yeah I mean four eyes I feel like I give you permission to call Posh four eyes

I can't see anything oh yeah oh hey oh hey two eyes there's the two eyes I grew up with I can't believe I got Oh, hey, two eyes. There's the two eyes I grew up with. I can't believe it. I got, by the way, I got three kids.

I'm up to 10 eyes now. Yeah. Both Ash and Axel wearing glasses. Adorable. That's right. Yeah. Adorable. But you're still holding out.

I mean, I basically have no idea who you are other than your voice. I am holding out. I am holding out. I don't know why. 50 years old. There's something nice about being able to see, I've found. You prefer seeing. I prefer seeing clearly.

Yeah. This is really exciting because this is a new way for mom and dad to watch the podcast and give us feedback yeah i don't know are they gonna watch this they watch on video they're gonna have a lot you know what they're gonna want i'll tell you what they're gonna want a link yeah it's gonna be on youtube and they're gonna still we're gonna still need to send them a link do you think they're gonna uh beam it to their screen and watch it on their television? There'll probably be some version of beaming it. Do you think they'll download it to their iPads and watch it on a plane with no headphones in?

Probably. Apparently, Dad's done that a couple times recently, that he will have his headphones on wireless and they're not connected to his iPad and he's just blasting. Oh, so he thinks it's coming through his headphones to his defense, but in prosecution of him, that's not the case. Yeah, there's a plane full of people listening to an episode of Shameless.

And do you think mom tells him right away or she has to sigh and roll her eyes for like 15 minutes? I think she tells him right away or she has to sigh and roll her eyes for like 15 minutes I think she tells him pretty quickly yeah but probably is really

cool about it do you think she's cool and chill well this is you know what this is a video podcast so Poshy why don't you do me

a quick impression of mom when she realizes dad's headphones aren't in Larry Larry your headphones aren't in. Larry, Larry, your headphones aren't connected. And now do dad. You think it was on purpose?

That was very good. That was very, very good. And now I'm going to do the person across the aisle from them. I'm going to do the person across the aisle from them. I feel like they always, they often will book like, oh, we're going to book the window in the aisle and just hope no one's in the middle. But then it's like, and then what if someone shows up and they're in the middle?

At the end of the flight, the flight attendant takes them aside and gives them a million courtesy miles. Anyone who ends up in the middle between Hillary and Larry. Oh, well, I wonder if this is harder for them to hear about themselves and also see it at the same time. Because they are very loyal listeners.

They are. Our most loyal. Our most loyal. And we should tell our guests, I don't know, I really, first of all, I want to say I really loved our conversation with Zach Woods that you're about to hear. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm also a little concerned now. Mom and dad have given us a lot of grief. They are, they're real poshies. They want to hear about family trips. Dad in particular. Dad has sent us an email. Yeah. trips. Dad in particular. Dad has sent us an email where he's pointed out some guests that he's not been so excited about because of the lack of family trip conversations. Dad has, and it's

really impressive, not the first time it's happened, went from a guy who'd never listened to a podcast to being one of America's foremost experts on podcasts. He's the A.O. Scott of podcast reviewers. But he only reviews ours. He only reviews ours. God love him. Look, a lot of people have checked out parents who don't know what the fuck their kids are up to. Yeah.

But yeah, I do like that he's on Team Poshy in that respect. And yeah, I'm going to keep trying to pull it towards family trips as much as i can but at the same time and you know and the thing i want to make clear is sometimes there are people we really like talking to and to no fault of their own they either didn't have the luxury of going family trips or don't have a memory that helps them recall their family trips. Or they agreed to do the podcast and then they get on and they're like, wait, what's this podcast called? Yeah, that's, I will say.

Those are my favorite. Oh, okay. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. It happens. It Yeah. It happens. It happens.

It happens. I will say, I obviously, I want to be talking more about family trips, but I have enjoyed every conversation we've had. Yeah. I think we talked to interesting people and I'm glad that they give up some of their time to talk to us. I think that's important. And I, you know, at the end of the day, Posh, I think you and I, we're the bread and butter, you know. Mm. Yeah. think that's important and i you know at the end of the day posh i think you and i we're the bread and butter you know yeah they said it was a nice thing about us you don't have to ice me out yeah yeah i was just thinking who's the bread who's the butter oh yeah well you're the bread because you're vegan yeah yeah unless it's uh no thanks whatever you're about to suggest as a substitute.

I don't even know if that's the kind of butter I'm eating. Yeah, no thank you. No thank you. So this is a wonderful fella by the name of Zach Woods. He's a terrific comedian, a lovely guy. I was lucky enough in the aughts, I would guess, to improvise a fair amount with him at UCB in New York City. And he's just a delight.

Yeah. And you'll notice, if you're watching, my background's going to change because we're recording this on different days. Our outfits are going to change, everything. It's going to be a whole different thing. It's going to be jarring for everybody involved. But such is life of our first video podcast. It's going to be jarring for everybody involved.

Don't freak out. But such is life of our first video podcast. I don't want to put too much on the video because I appreciate a lot of you are still listening to it like a regular podcast. But for those of you, I just want to say I look great and Josh looks like shit. Also, if you're curious, we're on Zoom here and the way it works is we jump on and we're talking for a minute.

And then our producer goes and gets the guest set up. And then they just sort of pop up. So there's no conversation before they pop up on our screen. If it seems awkward. Yeah. And it's always fun. It is fun. I like that we just get to jump right into it.

And there's, yeah, there's a reveal. And Zach, for those of you, again, just listening, has a lovely wall color behind him and a lovely piece of artwork. Gorgeous wall. And a man, his sweater. We're going to talk about his sweater. Oh, you're going to enjoy it. All right.

Please enjoy this conversation with our friend, Zach Woods. Family trips with the Myers brothers. Zach Woods. Hi. Hey. How you guys doing? Great, how are you? Great. You're very handsome, man.

Oh my God, thank you. That's important because this is our first one of these that's on video as well. Really? Yeah. Yeah? You're wearing such a nice, cozy sweater. Was your glam squad over before you jumped on? They've been here since 6 a.m. And then they just left just with like a look of defeat.

It wasn't like it was finished. They just kind of, I could, you could just feel them give up. They left a little bit more money than you had paid them in the first place. That's right. They were like, you need a geneticist, not a cosmetologist. But you do, Josh is right. You look very cozy. I would almost imagine that you're on the East Coast,

but that's not the case, I'm going to say, right? There's an atmospheric river here, baby. There is. And everyone is getting their kind of celestial seasons vibe on, and me very much included. I regret that sentence the second it came out of my mouth. But it is. I'm also in Los Angeles.

And so I'm in the midst of the atmospheric river. And it's full on. It's crazy. And a guy in our building sent out an email last night and was like, you know, there's water coming through some of the garages. And it's not like this rain's biblical. And I guess, like, yeah, it's not biblical. It's not like, you know, no one needs to build this ark. But it's about as close to biblical as you can

get out here. Like, it's a second atmospheric river in the same week. Yeah. I mean, it's like, Erewhon is almost wet. If that doesn't have a kind of biblical significance, the Studio City Erewhon's about to have its

$60 tote bags floating down the aisles. Oh my goodness. Would you say it's one? Is it one of every animal? Would you say that's where it's at? Sort of for the Noah situation? That'd create a great, interesting future. Yeah.

If just one of every animal. It's like, all right, who can procreate? Figure it out. It's just a bunch of masturbating animals. I don't think they're... There's got to be some sort of cross pollination thing that goes on it's like oh this donkey turns out

can get down with a squirrel I think Zach's right I think it's a lot inside that arc it's just a lot of animals rubbing against the side of the wall just super just jamming it hard against the side of the arc the janitor is like why didn't you bring second

animal so my day is just is hell i know this is supposed to be salvation but i'd rather just have perished with the rest of the sinners or at least a second janitor i feel like right he's like oh you bring two of everything but only one janitor it's weird because i do feel like and this is definitely what people are listening for is my take on the noah's ark thing but you do realize in the story i'd always thought oh when they got where the ark was going that's when the animals started doing it but everything i know about animals they'd start boning right on that ark right if anything the romance of travel probably was an aphrodisiac they're like you know i've seen i usually see you foraging for the same

nuts all the time and if there's a kind of quotidian sameness but now that we're on a cruise it judges our our uh rapport i mean i also think that yeah i don't know it's interesting like i guess i never thought about this before either but the thought of two animals like to be like we're going to bring two of each animal it's just weird that it's so focused on on animals and sex it's like immediate floods coming okay how do we have enough animals to have sex with you it's just a weird yeah this is a this is a the i know i'm not totally there but this is a theological kind of deep dive podcast right this is a scriptural analysis. But without either of us having any of the underpinnings required to reach a proper conclusion.

Right. We make sweeping statements about the sacred texts that are most intimate to people's lives. Zach, this is a show about family trips. And I'm very excited because you have what is a fascinating birth order situation. You're the tweener right in the middle, older brother, younger sister. You got it. Three years on each side? Three years on each side.

Damn. All right. That's about the extent of our research. That will be your last, your final damn all right of the podcast. What I supplied to, you know, that game of like, I'm going on a camping trip and I'm bringing, do you know that game? Yeah, yeah. What I would bring on the trip was furious conflict.

I was, it was like a joke where it's like, we would go on these trips, like we wake up early in the morning at like four in the morning, which to me at the time seemed like incredibly romantic and thrilling to drive down to the outer banks and beat the traffic and we would have these little like uh there's a game called paper boy where you would put two like i guess double a batteries and it was just one of these very rudimentary games and we would listen to books on tape but none of that would be necessary ultimately, because I would pick a horrendous family disrupting fight on the way down. And then that would make time fly. It's like like familial familial rage is a time machine. It's like you're like in North Carolina before you know it.

So you did this as a gift to the family. It was. Yeah, it was a benevolent act. I mean, at the time, I didn't know it. I thought I just hated the people who were most dear to me. But no, in retrospect, it was magnanimous. What age were you setting these fights alight? I think it went on for a long time to the extent that I don't remember when it started. I don't remember a time when it wasn't happening.

So I think I probably got language and I was like, I know't remember when it started. I don't remember a time when it wasn't happening. So I think I probably like got language and I was like, I know what to use this for. Like, do you recall any of the specifics of these fights or was it a general sense of combat? Well, listen, I hesitate to tell this story because it's so indicting for me. I would ask the listeners to remember I was a wee boy and a fool. And I remain possibly, at least one possibly both.

But what I would say is, okay, I was obsessed with Miles Davis when I was like a preteen, as all preteen boys are. By the way, that's a red flag for someone who's got a lot of opinions. I was in my Miles Davis phase. You guys remember yours. And I would reread his autobiography called Miles again and again. And my recollection is that in that book, he's very critical of Louis Armstrong for doing what Miles Davis perceived as being, quote, Uncle Tom and quote, behavior. And actually, sorry, my dog is also condemning me from afar. Big Louis Armstrong fan, your dog. Yeah, my dog's really more of a like a Billie Holiday guy. But anyway, so he says that. Now, in reality, Louis Armstrong was

actually quite an advocate for civil rights and wrote really critical letters to the president and blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. I was just like hook, line and sinker. Miles Davis was my David Koresh. And I was going with whatever he said. So we were in the car driving. I don't remember where, but on some vacation and Louis Armstrong, what a wonderful world came on. And to immediately contradict the thesis of that song, I said, you know, this guy was an uncle Tom. At which point my father was like, no, he wasn't. And you definitely can't say that. Twelve year old white boy. And my brother was like, yeah, he wasn't an Uncle Tom. And I was like, you idiots. I read Miles Davis's book. I know he was.

And it escalated to the point where I literally reached across the middle seat and choked my brother because he would not admit that Miles Davis's unfair critique of Louis Armstrong was actually accurate. And that was just one of many. Yeah. So as your sister is between the two of you there, you got to reach across your sister to choke your brother. I think my sister had pulled so far within herself that she'd actually physically disappeared at that point. The environment was so toxic that she she she unmade herself. No, I don't know. She was there, but she's two years younger. She, I mean, she has memories of this. Not of that particular fight, but I don't think she was a big fan of the kind of omnipresent verbal sparring. Hey, we're going to take a quick break and hear from some of our sponsors. This episode of Family Trips is brought to you by Nissan. Hey, Pashi, ever wonder what's around that next corner or what happens if you push further?

Seth, I know that's something you ask me every day. Sure do. And that's why we're excited to partner with Nissan, because Nissan SUVs have the capabilities to take your adventure to the next level. We love celebrating family adventures on this podcast called Family Trips. And one thing that has been a through line, a thread, if you will, through so many of these stories is having a car that is comfortable for your whole family when you're taking the adventures that you'll remember for a lifetime. So take a Nissan Rogue, Nissan Pathfinder or Nissan Armada and go find your next big adventure. With the 2024 Nissan Rogue, the class-exclusive Google built-in is your always-updating assistant to call on for almost anything. No need to connect your phone. As Google Assistant, Google Maps, and Google Play stores are built right into the 12.3-inch HD touchscreen

infotainment system on the 2024 Nissan Rogue. So thanks again to Nissan for sponsoring this episode of Family Trips. Now go find your next big adventure and enjoy the ride along the way. Learn more at NissanUSA.com. This episode is brought to you by U.S. Bank. I'm a foodie to the core. Whether it's in the kitchen, trying out a new recipe, and then having my wife come into that same kitchen and say, Get out of the kitchen. you're doing it wrong.

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The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. Bank National Association. Pursuant to a license from Visa USA Incorporated, some restrictions may apply. If we had to say there was one of the siblings that was the most to deal with on a road trip, would they immediately say it was you? Was this well known? Yeah, I think so. immediately say it was you? Was this well-known? Yeah, I think so. I think it was like a role. Gotcha. What about you guys?

Did you guys ever get in fights on trips? We didn't. We got in fights, but not... Nothing crazy, nothing sustained. Yeah. I mean, we felt very much the same way about Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong. We were always in lockstep about all of our jazz influences.

That's important for brothers, you know? Brothers, that's I don't know, again, I don't know all the Bible stories, but I assume Cain and Abel, it was something about, you know, whether Decca or Blue Note were better record labels. But did you guys, what about, and when you guys would

fight, was it physical or emotional or both we didn't I would say it got physical and I see it now in my boys which is

it just becomes grappling the speed in which they're on the ground and then they kick at each other the way

Homer Simpson runs on the ground where they just sort of speed they kind of circle themselves and then come by and kick each other in the face it's just like sort of revolving it's just this energy that's within them that's sort of impossible to tame I feel like that maybe was more of what we fought about yeah because we never I don't recall ever like connecting with a punch right really like yeah more yeah, to your face. More grappling.

The other thing is, I always had old, I had my friends over, and so it would always be me and three people my age, and Josh was there as well, and it was maybe a lack of sharing, say, turns on a video game console.

My brother had a friend named Jonathan when I was probably like, I think like five years old, and he would just bully me relentlessly. And then my parents were never that keen on it, but they tried to be kind of non interventionist with the kids. And then one day they heard Jonathan screaming outside just going out. And they came outside and I was tiny. I'd taken one of those yellow wiffle ball bats and was just clobbering Jonathan again and again with the wiffle ball bat. But he wasn't moving. He was just standing there and letting me try to kill him.

And he's just going, oh, the yellow of that whiffle, of the classic wiffle ball bat, really just, like, flying through the air and whacking on that kid. I try to make all my violence as cinematic as possible. I think about the mise-en-scene. You waited for a gray day where the yellow would pop against the back. It also, I do sometimes think that's maybe a bully's reaction, which is when the time comes that the sort of underling rises up, they're sort of frozen. Inaction becomes their mindset because they've never expected this to happen.

Yeah, I think he must have hated himself, you know? It's like people are not, I think, as a rule, cruel indiscriminately unless they're in agony. I remember there was one bully, this guy named Steve, who we can call Stephen King. And he was on the school bus. And I remember he would yell out, who hates Steve? And everyone would cheer and he would cheer the loudest. And he was a bully to everyone. But I remember that now. And I'm just like, oh, my God. Yeah. It's so heartbreaking. It's sort of an undefeated proposition that those people, bullies hate themselves. And he went on to burn down a lumberyard. Yeah. He burnt down a lumberyard. Yeah. He burned a lumberyard. I just think in the end, lumberyards are kind of asking for it. You know, if you're going to have a full yard of flammables, you know. I mean, this is the ultimate victim blaming of the location.

It's like, how did the lumberyard look? What was it wearing? Driest wood up front in a big old pile. Did he like just build a little tent of kindling? Did he roll up newspaper? The lumberyard was already on a bed of kindling? Did he roll up newspaper? The Lumberyard was already on a bed of kindling. Oh, we're so quick to say, oh, Stephen did this, Stephen did that. You make a valid point. Honestly, I want to go back to something you said that was also true of

us, which is books on tape. We were a book on tape family and I loved it so much and even now you know we drive and we started letting our kids not letting we would prefer them to listen to books on tape than the other options and which is like do like pharmaceuticals and stuff like hardcore pharmaceuticals like recreationally they and again they're always like we got a prescription i'm like from where yeah and but you know we loved listening to books on tape. And I think we listened to stuff that was maybe a little bit more adult than kids. Not, you know, not erotic, but a Chad release lover. That was a big one.

I remember we listened to Catch-22, but it got like, there was some violent stuff in there that was making me uncomfortable. And I remember making us turn it off because I was like, I'm going to throw up. Yeah. But were your parents this sort of maybe, were they a little on the erudite side where they thought, let's listen to book on tapes with the whole family? It's interesting. What you're saying about, I mean, maybe that's the best possible way to,

like, I can't think of a safer environment to broach uncomfortable things than like in a car with your parents through a book on tape, like in terms of like exposure to difficult things. You could do worse. I remember some my parents version of that was we back when Netflix would send you DVDs, my parents got an something called swingers, which I think or or no, it wasn't called the swingers or something. I think they might've thought it was the Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau movie. I don't know.

But anyway, it wasn't, it was a documentary about this community of polyamorous middle-aged people in the Adirondacks. And it was a documentary and it begins. And right away, it's like some kind of like fleshy art therapist is like in a like a mildewy hammock getting railed by like, you know, a man with a braid that's like a one long gray braid that lit like adirondack sex party with like dirty mattresses and it was on and i remember that was like the only thing where i ever tapped out where i was

like i gotta go and i think they i don't know if they watched the rest of it or not i don't think so but i wasn't there to find out because i was just like i can, just can't, this cannot be. Yeah. Josh watched the all-time worst movie you could ever watch with a mom. Well, before we get to it, but, you know, Blockbuster Video would be around, and we were just, you know, kids from New Hampshire. So something had done well at, like, Sundance, or, like, indie movies became a thing. And, like, you know, we were into film, and so we'd, like, rent indie movies. And I went down like, you know, we were into film. And so we'd like rent indie movies.

And I went down and I rented Spanking the Monkey. And I didn't know anything about it. But I was like- I bet a lot of our listeners to this day don't know anything about it. I will only say, don't watch it with your mom. Isn't that like the David O. Russell movie about an Oedipal complex?

Yep. And I was watching, it was just me and my mother watching it. And at some point she was like, I'm gonna go upstairs. And I was like, yeah was just me and my mother watching it. And at some point she was like, I'm going to go upstairs. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to turn this off. And we walked away from each other. And we did not speak about it until years later. And it was just like, yeah, real bad call.

That is amazing. And I'm so happy that that happened. I mean, I wouldn't wish it on you you but i'm glad it happened so i don't know what to make it's m you couldn't do worse you really could not do worse i was at college at the time and i remember josh uh i was on the phone with him and he said have you seen that movie uh spanking the monkey and i said i did i thought it was great what do you think and he said i watched it with mom and And I was like, oh. Well, I remember once hearing, like we were, I was with friends and I'd heard that, what is that movie?

Oh, The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I'd heard there was nudity in that movie. And so I had like friends over and I rented it because I thought it would be like a spicy movie. But that's like a Candara novel that got like adapted. And it's just like Juliette Binoche with like armpit hair and Daniel Day-Lewis having like grief stricken sex or something. I don't remember, but it's like not like kids, you know, it's not like teenage. It's not Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. It's like, you know, literary. It's like it would be in a section called gray sex. Just let's be honest. It's called gray sex. Just.

Which, let's be honest, is probably most sex. Well, that's the thing. You realize there's, as bad as it is for kids to learn about sex watching pornography, I think watching sort of those real sex or a documentary about swingers in the Adirondacks is the opposite way. Which is, this looks just awful. Awful all around. It felt like compost or something. It was like... That was deaf compost.

It was definitely compost. If they're up in the Adirondacks, the kind of people you say they were, yeah, they were composting early. It's like they like sex, but they love composting. And it just was... There's something about it. There's something where like... Yeah, I think composting early. It's like they like sex, but they love composting. And it just was there's something about it. There's something where like, yeah, I think you're exactly right. There's a sweet spot.

There's some John Waters quote that I really love where he said, I'm glad I was raised Catholic because sex will always be dirty. And I thought that was such a sweet, funny John Waters thing to say. But there's the other side of it, which is people who are so comfortable and so rejoicing. And they're kind of, I don't know their, their acceptance. And it's an enviable thing. I wish I were more like them,

but there is something about it that makes me like shiver in horror. And that's my, that's my bad. That's not on them, but like, I don't know. Yeah. But like,

we've never, you know, Seth and I have never been people that like talk about it's not like kiss and telling and talking about sex like it's always made me uncomfortable if a guy's like oh like i was with this girl last night and i'm like oh i'm i'm done i'm done with this this conversation that's uh yeah it makes me uneasy. Yes. Yeah, because often it'll be either like objectifying, which is depressing and upsetting, or so intimate that you're kind of like,

I don't, I'm lost. But anyway, so, but we would listen to, the big books on tape that we would listen to was called The Fool and the Flying Ship. And it's, Robin Williams does all these different voices and it's, and then williams does all these different voices and it's it's uh and then something called the golden drum which was like about some kind of i don't remember but yeah what were your what were yours so catch 22 what else no i mean that was one we turned out but we did a lot of gene shepherd um who's like the voice from uh a christmas story yeah that was

yeah and so we did a lot of him. And can you remember, Seth? I feel like we would do, there was some James Bond books on tapes. We'd listen to those. Maybe some biography stuff of people we liked. It's interesting you say Robin Williams. Does that mean your parents liked comedy?

Yeah, I mean, they weren't like comedy fans. Like they weren't, they're not like the people where they had like records of, you know, whatever, George Carlin or Bill Cosby or whoever in the house. It was just, but they were funny people. I mean, the other thing is my father would kind of like deliberately, my father, I think at the time was not a huge believer in childhood as a concept. And so he would expose us to stuff that was like he knew. Like, did you ever read the story The Lottery, Shirley Jackson? Yeah, of course. That was like a bedtime story.

He read that to us. And for those of you who don't know, The Lottery begins as all these people gathered in a New England town square. And this girl wins the lottery. And she goes, no, it's not fair, it's not fair. And you're thinking, why doesn't she win the lottery? Come to find out, whoever wins the lottery gets stoned to death in an old pagan crop ritual and everyone in the town throws stones at them

until they're dead. And my father was like, you know, choosing between the Berenstain Bears and that and he chose that. Yeah, I would say that I definitely read the lottery in college. Even high school thought, you know what? Let's kick this can down the road. I don't want to be here when these kids read this.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe your dad was just like, well, this is the way it used to be. And so no matter how bad a day you might be having, could be living in the lottery days. Well, and also as a parent, you don't want your kid to die in a pagan ritual and think, should I have warned them? Did I not do my job as a parent? There's so few threats to young, straight, white men. But pagan rituals are a big, big risk for us.

It also helps teach kids not to play the lottery at all. You know what? Even the upside lottery is a rip-off. I mean, sure, you're not going to get stoned to death, but let's be honest. It's either a tax on hope or a community murder. You grew up in Yardley, Pennsylvania. True.

So now where in Pennsylvania is that? That's eastern Pennsylvania? Despite the fact that I grew up there, I can't give you directions. I don't know the names of streets. It's so weird. I spent like 15 years there. Is it like the Brigadoon of Pennsylvania? Yes, yes, exactly.

You just have to be there in the right time and place. As long as you're on like a Scottish hunting expedition in the mist, you'll end up in Yardley, Pennsylvania. You'll be like, I want to be back in Scotland. Like, what is this? It was, you know, in retrospect, it's kind of like an idea. Like it's right across the Delaware River from Trenton, New Jersey. So I think that's sort of like southeast Pennsylvania.

Yeah, I'm going to say southeast. Yeah. And there's a bridge in Trenton that says, um, Trenton makes the world takes that connects the New Jersey side to my town. And I always thought that was an indignant soundings sign where it's just like, I know they were meant like we're a manufacturing hub,

but it always seemed to me like Trenton makes in the world just takes and takes and takes. Yeah. And, uh, it's a really lovely place i was a kind of stressed out high strung slightly lonesome kid so i didn't love it's it someone told me this thing once where they were like places aren't places they're times and so when you think of a place usually what you're actually thinking of is a time. You're thinking of a time in your life

and a group of people. And I think as a place, Yardley is probably really nice. As a time, it's so freighted with all those associations that it's hard for me to disassociate them, if that makes sense. It does. I just went back and did stand-up in our hometown where we went to high school, I should say, in Manchester, New Hampshire.

And our parents still live there, so we see it a lot. But when we visit home, we don't drive around where our old high school was, and that's near where our show was. And I agree. I did not feel like I was back in a place. I felt like I was back in a time. And then you just have all these issues of nostalgia that you weren't prepared for. So I very much get that classification. It's interesting, though, to go back. Did you perform in a venue that you had attended as a high school student? No, it was a new venue.

Oh, OK. Because I graduated high school like 32 years ago. So there's like millions of new performing arts venues. I met a woman once who said her grandmother, she was from Maine, and her grandmother would always tell her, never marry a man who has not survived a New England winter. Do you feel like there was a kind of flinty character building thing

that you got from New England? I do. I do feel that the winters that we grew up with are so much worse than anything I've seen since. Maybe I was just smaller, so the snow seemed higher. Yeah, I don't know. It all just felt fun to me. I feel like the things that I had to deal with were like,

we got to bring a bunch of wood upstairs like for fires or we got to you know shovel shovel the front walk but like those those were like kind of fun chores and when you're out there doing that stuff then you like go play in the snow like i did you ever feel like you was there ever a situation where you were like uh-oh i'm about to freeze to death like my car isn't starting and i'm in a parking lot and there's roads are snowed like did you ever feel like you had a brush with the new england reaper there was one time we were in the car with our mom one of our first winters there where the car was getting off the highway and did a full 360 and then just at a 360 and then when ended up going in the rack exact direction we've been heading and that felt like the moment before disaster like every way you're supposed to feel

like my stomach was floating and then the second half never happened whoa it was just this weird and it wasn't one of the famous mrs meyer's donuts that she would do right yeah no because that because in the ice you can't hear the wheels squealing and that was the whole reason she did it because we would say why are you doing this you're a school teacher don't draw this kind of and she's like i just love that sweet squeal that's what she would always say she'd say i love that sweet squeal she did she did for a while drive uh black Camaro, and her license plate, she was a French teacher, and her license plate said Vite, which means quick in French. So she's pretty hardcore. Yeah.

Wow, that's cool. She had like a little Saab Turbo after that. All right. I used to drive around in our, we had a Volkswagen Golf, and I would deliver pizzas. We had a Volkswagen Golf and I would deliver pizzas. And when it was snowy, it was like a junk car. But when it was snowy, I would just throw up the emergency brake and like slam into snow banks and things. And like it was a toy car. But yeah, it was just like I can bang the side of this car.

It's all right. No one wants this car. I can bang the side of this car. It's all right. No one wants this car. I do remember being at house parties on nights where it was snowing and thinking, we got to get home before you can't drive. That's very responsible.

Yeah. I mean, that made me think of two things. There were some recently, these guys who died right outside their friend's house after a playoff game because I guess they were drunk or something. I don't know the whole story. But and then we were thinking about the car for a long time when I lived in L.A. I had like a really, really beat up old Toyota Camry that was full of trash, like a Thanksgiving float for the idea of depression. Like it was just it just was like depression in vehicle form. And I just it was so trashed.

It just was like depression in vehicle form. And I just it was so trashed. And it would give me immense pleasure in L.A. to just call people's bluffs all the time. There'd be some guy in like a McLaren who wasn't letting me in. And I'm like, I'm going. And if we bang into each other, it's going to be fine for me. Like, I don't care. It was so I was just so bulletproof. It's like in the movie when the guy's like, I'll fucking kill you. And he's like, I'm already dead. You know, I felt't care. It was so, I was just so bulletproof. It's like in the movie when the guy's like,

I'll fucking kill you. And he's like, I'm already dead. You know, it's, I felt like that. Hey, we're going to take a quick break and hear from some of our sponsors. Family Trips is supported by Sundays. Posh. Yesuf.

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That's ZocDoc.com slash trips. ZocDoc.com slash trips. Z-O-C-D-O-C.com. ZocDoc. Here we go. You, I'm going to go back to something B-O-C dot com. Zot doc. You, I'm going to go back to something you mentioned very early on about the Outer Banks. Is that a common destination? Yeah, we would go down to the Outer Banks and we would go to Ocracoke sometimes like to visit,

which is, I think, an island that has wild horses on it. Who I'm sure just like perpetually irritated by the meddling tourists. But also the things I would really look forward to when we would go on vacation, basically I hated vacations, which is a really like kind of bitchy little Lord Fauntleroy thing to say. But I think I was so anxious that any change in my environment

would just make me kind of, I think that's partly why I was constantly picking fights. But the Outer Banks, I would look forward to the water slides and the hush puppies. Those were the two things I liked. And I also remember, we would rent boogie boards. And you would, you know, you you would rip you would clasp the boogie board thing to your wrist. And I remember, I don't think I've ever felt more handsome in my entire life than when I was like nine years old with that thing around my wrist. I just remember feeling like, wow, I'm really a catch. Yeah. I don't know why. You're like, this isn't a watch. This is a boogie board. I will say, so my boy's boogie board now, and you saying that, when my seven-year-old has it, that is maybe when I now realize he's the hunkiest.

Because there is just something about a kid pulling water sports gear. Yes. Behind themselves. It's a good look. So did you always go to the same place in the Outer Banks? Was there like a house that you rented? Yeah, it was this one area. It wasn't always the same house, was this one area. I don't,

it wasn't always the same house, but there was pirate. I remember there was pirate lore, like there was an old sunken ship and they would talk about how mean pirates were to each other. They're always beating on each other and pirates had a code. And it just sounded, I remember feeling bad for the pirates and just thinking like, oh, this sounds lonely and brutal. And you're just getting like beat up. Like it seems to me that like I was shocked by how much pirates beat each other because I just thought, well, isn't the whole point of being a pirate

to escape that kind of hierarchical thing? Nope, pirates too. It's just like they're such mean girls to each other. Did you ever look in the mirror and realize on the drive down there you had been the pirate? In the car. I think you're the emotional mirror that's showing me my

reflection for the first time it is so funny to have a takeaway of pirate lore that i just thought this was a little bit more all drinking and singing and having the beer in one arm and moving it back and forth with your friends and yeahanties. That's what I thought. It's all jigs and those weird octagonal accordions. Yeah, exactly. Concertina? Yeah, concertina. I knew every now and then someone was going off the plank, but I didn't think it was just a 24-7 slap fight.

That bums me out. And also the plank thing I thought was like a rollicking kind of lawlessness, but I think they'd be like, oh, this is the, oh, I remember this. This kept me up. This really fucked me up for a long time. They did this thing where if a pirate did something they didn't like, they would put them on the anchor and then kind of swing them up and down and they would try to hang on. And I guess if they fell off, that was it. That's curtains.

to hang on and i guess if they fell off that was it that's curtains so it's this kind of amusement and public humiliation while this pirate is holding on to this anchor that's getting swung and i just thought this is horrible i remember you know when you're a kid and you just learn just how cruel people can be i remember that was one of those moments where it's like oh no like yeah you know he didn't have a good life to become a pirate. He had a bad childhood. He didn't even- He was already running. Yeah, yeah. He's already hanging onto an anchor.

I'm sure you guys and everyone has watched Black Sails, the Michael Bay pirate show on Starz that has three seasons. But I couldn't get enough of it recently. And yeah, they did one thing where a bad pirate, a guy that the pirates were mad at they like dropped him from one side off the boat and then dragged him underneath across all the barnacles and then pulled him up and then like they do it again and it was yeah rough stuff it's like so you're drowning it's just such baroque cruelty it's so it's so like elaborate

and it's and look they're not good guys a lot of these pirates who did that i as you i remember also the boo box from um hook remember when they put glenn close dressed as a man in the boo box and do you remember this i don't i do not oh okay so in the in hook which i believe was a steven spielberg movie starring justin hoffman and robin williams again there's a pirate who they're mad at. So they put him in the boo box, which is a little box, and then they drop scorpions on him. And the pirate in the boo box is played by Glenn Close dressed as a man. I think Broad City maybe made a joke about how it's like the prologue to Albert Knobbs.

Oh, yeah. I think I know the last line to Albert Nobbs. What is it? Oh, Albert. I think that's true. I haven't seen Albert Nobbs, but there was a lot of talk about it at SNL when I was working there.

Oh, Albert. Spoiler alert. Did you go anywhere else? Were there any other vacations were you because that was a drive um to get down to the outer banks for you did you ever fly anywhere were there any other um any other variety to your family vacations my aunt and uncle took us to disney world where i wet the pull-out couch a lot and uh had a grand old time aside from that unpleasantness. And then I we also would rent houseboats, which were like these, they were basically just trailers, but they were on pontoons.

And in Canada, we would go around on those. But I assume anyone watching this already assumed that from my sweater that I had vacations. How were the boat vacations? Were you a fan? No. I always just wanted to be at home in familiar circumstances, I think. We also went to a place called Suits Us Farm, which was this. It's one of those places that kind of passes off its rusticness as a virtue. You know where it's like, and you get to milk your own cow or whatever. Um, I mean, you didn't have to milk your own cow. Sorry. I lost, I don't really have any good suits us farm stories. It's just right. Yeah. You, but you did not milk your own cow.

No, not even once. Yeah. Can I loop, can I loop back and tell a quick pirate story? Yes, please. Sure. Well it's, and I want to to find hopefully i can find the photo maybe we'll put it in show notes there was a pirate themed party on the beach last summer for one of my son's friends and so first of all they were giving out a lot of eye patches and i should say i got a middle one just like you zach older brother younger sisterel, he's very funny. He put on two eye patches. On both eyes. One on each eye. And then, sometimes he's

funny completely inadvertently. And he said, Dad, look, I'm wearing two patches. And I turned around and I said, oh, that's great. And then he just walked into a rock and started to scream. But even better, he wears glasses and later in the party he came over and as a parent,

any parent who has a kid with glasses will know this, you're constantly worried when you don't see the glasses. And I said, Axel, wear the glasses. And he said, oh, don't worry, I buried them and I put X marks the spot. And you just look up and down this beach, a thousand kid feet.

No, it's not like what you picture as a pirate. And so I'm like, Axel, we got to find that X right now. And he and I were walking up the beach and nothing. And he looks up to me at one point and he goes, I don't see it. I don't see it.

And he looks up at me with his, he has a one eye is severely crossed when he's not wearing his glasses. And he looks up and he goes, guess I shouldn't have buried my glasses. That is so sweet. Really good. You know know what's just he would make a terrible pilot pirate great pilot yeah i mean i well i don't know as long as he has his glasses yeah right it reminded me my family went on a vacation to like as an adult with my nieces to New Hampshire, to a lake in New Hampshire. And I because I still remain very squirrely about vacations.

Sometimes I would just go to the Walmart because I just want to be around people. And so I just hang out in the Walmart because the lake, the serenity of the lake, I was just like, I'm climbing the walls. But one thing I did is I brought different pirate stuff. So my nieces were really young at the time. So I would leave little evidence of pirates around every day until the last day when I buried like a treasure chest down by the beach so that they could find the treasure chest and they feel like they found Lake Pirates treasure. And then they dug it up. And my niece was so freaked out.

She was like, we got to put it back. They're going to be so angry. She was really worried about like incurring the wrath of the pirates. And I got this thing, too, that is it's a face with suction cups that so you can suction cup this leering face onto the outside window. So I did that with my sister and her then girlfriend. And so when they went to go to bed, there was this man's face just staring like it's a three dimensional face. It was very funny. I liked it a lot. I heard people say they're not ones for serenity, but that really takes the cake that you would leave a lake to go

hang out in a New Hampshire Walmart. I loved it. It was so relaxing to me. Just the soothing balm of American commerce. So did your parents know when you were little, Zach doesn't like vacations? And were your siblings different? That's a good question. I think I was probably too lost in my own rage cyclone to be that attentive to their experience of the vacations. I think they probably just thought like, oh, Zach's kind of an angry kid. I don't think they connected it necessarily to the vacations until after the fact. I mean, so if you've got all this rage, are you actively yelling at your family on a semi-regular basis? Yeah.

Yelling. Yeah. Or also it's a funny thing, you know, I think like I was from a very verbal family, so it was a lot of kind of like, but weak bodies, noodle arms,

sharp tongues, you know? Yeah. So most. The barbs are on your tongue. Yes, exactly. So if you wanted to really go for blood,

physical was not the route to take. I think we would end up poking at each other's kind of areas of personal weakness. Yeah, which in retrospect is kind of worse. That's right. When you're talking about your boys doing the Homer Simpson run on the ground, it seems like all told a pretty healthy way of dealing with frustration and aggression.

Is this, would you be scared of that pirate? Oh my God. That is so cute. It's the confidence stance. I think is my favorite thing about it. Yeah. I'd honestly be scared of,

uh, that frightens me because it makes me question my life decisions about not having kids. He's so adorable. But, oh, this is another thing I heard about. I don't know why this is such a pirate-centric thing. But I heard this. I don't know if it's true or not, but I heard that the reason pirates would wear eye patches,

I always assumed it was because their eyes were damaged underneath. Oh, I heard this recently, too. Tell me. Tell me yours first. But now I can't remember. Now I can't remember what it is, but it's good. What I heard is that it's because if you were at a naval battle, you'd be fighting above decks with a sword. And then you have to go below decks to fight someone.

And you would need to adjust to the darkness below decks. So if you had an eye patch on in battle, one eye is already dilated. So then when you go below decks, you flip that patch up and it's like night vision for the below decks. You don't have to wait for your eyes to adjust while someone who is waiting below decks is ready to stab you. I don't know if it's true or not. I do. I did hear recently, I don't know what specifically that I thought it might be maybe based on looking through a telescope as well, but it was some version of strengthening one eye. The other one wasn't.

I always assumed the other eye just wasn't there. Right. The patch was, I thought the patch was a favor to the other pirates to not have to look at a bloody empty socket. And it turns out there was a little bit more to it. Right. Yeah.

Just like a really thoughtful concession to the squeamishness of your shipmates. It's very funny. It was, everyone with a patch there was like, Right. Yeah. Just like a really thoughtful concession to the squeamishness of your shipmates. It's very funny. It was everyone with a patch there was like, ah, thoughtful beard. Do you guys know what if you were to be an old criminal or a current criminal, what line of criminality do you think? Cat burglar. Really?

Safe cracker. Really? That makes sense yeah yeah except like i feel like there's a kind of technician spec like yes yeah it's the it's the i like because i would say i don't know if you feel this way when you write it all zach but i not to put too make it too cliche but i do sometimes feel like you literally hear something click when you're writing. And that thing, that safecracker I like wearing when you wear the stethoscope and put it against.

Yeah. That's cool. Everything about it. That's really cool. I think, yeah, in terms of Cat Burglar, I think it's just like, I like the idea of being quiet and sort of avoiding any big confrontation.

Like I want, I want to be sneaky and I don't want to have to shoot anyone, punch anyone, hit anybody with like a lead pipe. I just want to, but yeah, I mean, I guess cat burglars very often are also safe crackers.

It's the same. You make a great brother team, honestly. Yeah, we work together. I think it's interesting, too, because I wonder if cat burglars ever develop. Feelings of affection, like if you if you go into somebody's house, I always think like this is a part of being single. I always thought was so nice as if in the rare instance in which somebody was kind enough to allow me to go to their home with them. It was such a nice thing to get to see like this little museum to about the person who you're, you know, on a date with because there's so much information. And to go into somebody's home, especially a home that has not been prepped for entry. No one's expecting the cat burglar. So you're just going into this kind of living evidence of who they are and what their life is.

And I wonder if anyone's ever just felt like a fondness for the people they're burgling because it's like, oh, that's a picture of the family. This is like, you know, I guess this is where the kids do their what? You know, I don't know the paintings on the wall. this is where the kids do their, you know, I don't know, the paintings on the wall. I feel like there's a foreign film about this out here that none of us have ever heard of

and it starts good and then is way too long. Yeah, it's like a Dutch, it's like a Dutch social realist movie that's like the length of Titanic. What would your old time criminal thing be? I think either I would like to think pickpocket, but I don't think I would actually be good at that.

I think it would probably be a kind of hucksterism. I'd be like a confidence man or a, you know, like a snake oil guy. I'm going to say something. I feel like pickpocket might be better because if I, let's say I'm on a crowded subway and I realize my wallet's gone missing, I feel like if I turned around and saw you, I wouldn't think you were the pickpocket might be better because if I, let's say I'm on a crowded subway and I realized my wallet's gone missing.

I feel like if I turned around and saw you, I wouldn't think you were the pickpocket. That's nice. You know what I mean? I think that's, and I think you would almost be good at, and maybe this leans towards the hucksterism that I feel like you would also pant,

pat your pants and be like, mine's gone too. And I would just believe it right away. It wouldn't have even occurred to me, and which is why I would not be successful. But that's such a good ploy. I heard this crazy thing. I don't know why I'm just now. I feel like I've hijacked your podcast and made it about like old, unconfirmed lore that I heard. But I'm sorry, I'm taking you on a trip into the irrelevant and only marginally interesting.

As long as it's a trip. As long as we can say it's a trip. But I would say, I heard this thing that pickpocketing was such an epidemic in London and I guess the 19th century that they made it a hanging offense. And then they would have these public hangings. But at the hangings, that's where most of the pickpocketing would happen.

So there'd be some guy, poor guy getting his neck broken up there. Because it's like the big cultural event. It's like a Mayweather fight or something so everyone's there like and you they would pick pocket and with the other thing i heard and this is i can't believe this is true but they said you could buy their last word so it was like product placement so so if i was like uh a hardware store i could be like oh if you say your last words are, you know,

go to Wodensky Hardware, then I'll take care of your family. So that was like, but I don't know if that's true. It's really funny that someone in the crowd would watch a pickpocket say where to shop

right before he dies and go, we should go to Wodensky's. I need a hammer. I've heard good things about them from the pickpocket. Wait, where's my wallet, though? Right, that's how they get you. The best answer to what would be,

I wish I was a manslaughterer. A manslaughterer. Like, I want to kill somebody without premeditation. Because you're passionate. I just want to wake up every day. Yeah, I just want to know. I, I want to kill somebody without premeditation. Because you're passionate. I just want to wake up every day. I just want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to wake up with any sense of who it's going to be or why. It's an

interesting question. I always think, like, involuntary manslaughter is such a weird charge, because it's like, well, if it's involuntary. But I guess that implies you did something irresponsible. I guess I don't think there should be involuntary crimes but maybe i'm wrong about that i don't know i mean again i think if there's any takeaway from this podcast so far it's that you've probably been wrong about half of what you said at least at least i'm i you know i'm i'm at

this point i'm pretty sure you might have gone to the interbanks. Did you guys ever take, did you ever do air travel as a Woods family? My mom took me to Orlando when I was a kid to visit my great grandmother. And we went to Newark Airport and she got me Lifesavers so that I could suck on them so I would swallow and my ears would pop. And they gave me those little wings you know those plastic wings and i was just talking to a guy i know who's such a sweet guy and he's a he's a famous person and he said he was on uh a flight and the flight attendant leaned down and he was wearing kind of an expensive leather jacket and the flight attendant tried to put those wings into his jacket.

And he was like, oh, no, no, no, I'm good, I'm good. That was so funny. Was he a grown person when this happened? He's like a, I don't want to out him just in case, but like he was like, he's like a recognizable actor, like mainstream actor. And so it was like, this is my in. I'm going to involuntarily wing him.

And they tried to i'm happy to hear they're still doing it because i thought that was the coolest thing in the world and i thought it meant something more than a cheap piece of plastic what did you think it meant i just thought it meant that something had been bestowed upon me it's like you were deputized yeah it's like you're like the co-co-pilot at this point i just picture like the like young eight-year-old myers boys like nodding in fraternity to like old men with purple hearts being like been there buddy like i'm in there i consider you a brother do you still you mentioned uh traveling with nieces do you still travel with your parents ever

yeah sometimes but mostly it'll just be like we'll go to a sit like they'll come up a lot of You mentioned traveling with nieces. Do you still travel with your parents ever? Yeah, sometimes. But mostly, it'll just be like, we'll go to a sit. Like, they'll come up. A lot of times, I'll get them a hotel room in New York, and we'll just hang out in New York and go to movies and shows and stuff like that, as opposed to going away someplace. Oh, but one time, oh, this is cool. Well, the first movie I ever did was this movie called In the Loop,

and it shot in London. And we stayed in this old. Oh, really? Well, and and you know what we just had Tom Hollander on my show and I think that was the first time I saw Tom Hollander and I love that movie I just want to say real quick the movie's amazing you're amazing in it Peter Capaldi is a guy who's also my I never had him on the show oh you want to have him on the show so badly because I love him. But anyway, in the loop, keep going. Great movie. Everybody should watch it. Peter Capaldi.

Kind of a precursor to V. Yes, exactly. Made by Aramato Iannucci. Peter Capaldi gave me advice about acting that I thought was so funny, which is he's like, he's a very soft-spoken, gentle guy. I probably asked him for advice

and he was like, don't be a furniture toucher. And I was like, what does that mean? And he described this thing that actors will do where they're like, really like engaging with their space and they'll was like, don't be a furniture toucher. And I was like, what does that mean? And he described this thing that actors will do where they're like really like engaging with their space. And they'll be like, I guess what I was wondering is, you know, and he was like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't be a furniture toucher. I really don't watch.

Anytime you do anything, I'm going to see if you touch furniture or if you are consciously avoiding touching furniture. I refuse. You'll notice I never open the door. I ask that they suspend me a few inches off of the floor, which isn't even technically furniture. So for that movie, they flew me to London where the movie was shot and they flew my father out. And they put us out like everyone could bring one family member to visit. And we were in this like gorgeous old 19th century hotel across from Marlabone Station that was like just beautiful and sort of your fantasy of what British stuff is. And I remember just really crying, basically, because it seemed so improbable that I would get to do this. It seemed so unfathomable that like I'm in this old hotel making this movie that's so fun.

And James Gandolfini was one of the leads in that movie. And he was so kind. He would take us out to dinner. He would take us to shows. You know, there was nothing to be gained from that for him. He was just trying to make us. He could tell we were scared shitless and was just trying to be kind. And having my dad there as like a young guy and being like, look, like my dumb ass jokes, like got us on a British vacation.

And then the first thing we did was go to the Imperial War Museum, which is just like a chronicle of the horrors of human suffering. And that was, you know, that extinguished any good feeling pretty quickly. But you had it for a minute. Yeah. How young you were. You must have been young, Zach, for that movie. Yeah, I think I was like 22 or 23. But here's the other thing that was amazing,

which was Tom Hollander on the ride to set for the first time. He had been on the movie for a while and I'd never been on a movie set ever. And he went, listen, the director is not a hugely demonstrative guy. You're coming from America where people are like, if people aren't like setting off a small fireworks display for you after every take, you probably feel like they hate you. But I just want you to know he's thrilled, he's having a good time, but he might not seem effusive. So don't be scared if there's a kind of muted response. And to be on your way to work and to think, to see like this kid who doesn't know what he's doing and be like, oh, I'm going to get out in front of this possible misunderstanding that could put him in his head is such a generous thing to do. I thought that was so sweet. It's so sweet to that awareness of, hey, you're coming from a different culture. And I, at that point, Tom Hollander must have worked with American directors and on American sets and noted the difference. And that is such a,

yeah, what a gift to give you. And there's just like quiet kindnesses you know i feel like of course actors love like a grand gesture but to just like quietly in a car in a way that probably you'll never find the light of day no one will know you did it just like a small sweet thing he did and that that was sort of happened a lot on that so that was kind of the funniest thing about for anybody who hasn't seen in the loop it is maybe the most cursing in a film I've ever seen and the meanest people. It's so funny that everybody behind the scenes is so sweet and loving,

which is, by the way, what I would expect. I've never had the pleasure of meeting Armando, but it does seem like, I would not surprise that the set are loving, supportive places. But the movie is so wickedly funny and filled with terrible, terrible people. And it's great.

Yeah, I think that happens a lot. It's like the shadow. You know, it's like if you're a kind of nice, soft-spoken British person, you have all of this unexpressed fury and it has to go somewhere and it maybe goes into movies. That's a very good last travel story to finish on,

which is you brought your dad to the hotel outside Marleybone Station. But to be clear, I picked a horrible fight with him. I mean, it was. I got I was like, let's revisit this Louis Armstrong thing. Dad, I brought you to England for a reason. All right, Zach, my brother and I was going to ask you questions that all of our guests here on Family Trip are great. All right. You can only pick one of these.

Is your ideal vacation relaxing, adventurous, or educational? Adventurous. Very good. What's your favorite means of transportation? Train. Sleeper train. There you go. Sleeper train?

Yeah, baby. Have you done a sleeper? Yeah. Let's talk about this. Where? Where'd you go? Oh, I took the California Zephyr from Emeryville to Chicago, although you Zephyr heads will understand that that's the only route that it runs.

And I also took the Coastal Starlight, or wait, sorry, the Pacific Surfliner from Los Angeles to Portland, Oregon. Wow. And do you get, when you're in the sleeper car, is it how many of you are in there? If you play your cards right, there can be upwards of seven. Have you seen the DVD swingers? Not the Vince Vaughn. The swingers. The swingers. And you sleep in hammocks, right? That's right.

You're in hammocks? That's right. Mildewed hammocks. I hosted the Emmys, and I think. I hosted the Emmys, and I think the week after the Emmys, Fred had asked me to do a cameo in Portlandia. And my whole plan was to finish the Emmys, and I was so excited I was going to take that train.

And then last minute, my wife decided to come to Portland with me, and so then it was weird. We decided to fly. And I do feel like I was robbed of it. Is she not into trains? We had just done, it was bad timing because we had done Amsterdam to Zurich

in a sleeper train, which was great, except it was the winter. And so we boarded in the dark. You know, so Northern Europe, board in the dark, got off in the dark. It was not,

kind of lost that beautiful out the window part of it which is kind of the whole thing i think the whole trains move at the pace of my attention span in a way like right when i'm ready to see something new something new appears and i like that you go go to sleep like it's amazing you like fall asleep and you're looking at the ocean and then you wake up and you're in like a snowy forest it's just it's like going from screensaver to screensaver in the best possible way that's yeah i don't know why amtrak doesn't hire me to to do their market maybe they will after this i hope so if you could take a vacation with any family other than your own what family would it be they could be fictional they could real. They could be alive or dead. But a family to go on a trip with.

I would like to go. This is truly the first thing that came into my head. On a trip with Donald Sutherland and Timothy Hutton's characters from The End of Ordinary People. They've been through so much. I know. They need to rest. Yeah. They're going to be okay.

They're going to be, that's what I mean. They're going to be okay. They're going to be okay. Oh my gosh. That movie is incredible. I love that movie. God.

It's incredible. That makes me really, yeah, that would be a trip because they're going to have a really good trip. They're due for it. They've been through the, you know,

they've been through the fire. They've been through the trouble and now. But are you just going to start fights between them yeah don't go zach don't go and ruin this for them i'm gonna be like the mary tyler moore stand-in who's just like brings the kind of like frigid waspy energy that she's so good oh dude do you remember that one scene where she's he's told her he doesn't love her? She's getting ready to go to the taxis outside. She opens a suitcase and she's been so kind of frosty and unrelenting the whole time.

And then she just goes, she just gasps one gasp. And then she kind of recomposes herself and keeps packing her suitcase. It's the most heartbreaking. It's like a Steve Burke moment where you're like, oh, right. It's hell to be in your body. It's hell. And you're in such agony. And that's why you're so brittle. That's the issue. But it was such a beautiful, unsentimental way of doing it. I love that movie. That's great. You're the third person who said that. For whatever reason, yeah, that is that key. We should stop asking that question, Josh, because it keeps leading us to the end of Ordinary People.

Yeah, you, Tom Holland, and Nick Offerman. If you had to be stranded on a desert island with one member of your family, who would it be? My mom. I think she's the least flashy and the most confident and probably the smartest. All right. Very good. And then you are, again, you're from Yardley, Pennsylvania. Am I saying that right?

Would you recommend Yardley as a vacation destination? They, very close by, do a reenactment every year of George Washington crossing to the Delaware to fight the Hessians on Christmas. So every Christmas, guys dressed up like these Revolutionary War soldiers go and they take these big wooden boats. But if it's too icy, as it was when George Washington originally crossed the Delaware, they just carry the boats across a bridge, which I think is hilarious. So I would recommend watching the reenactors carry a big, heavy ass boat across a bridge. So, yeah, if you're looking for something to do for Christmas, that's it.

And Seth has our final questions. Zach, have you been to the Grand Canyon? I just went a few months ago. Oh, my gosh. And is it worth it? Now, I'm being very name-dropping. I'm being very name-dropping because I alluded to a famous friend. But this one I will name.

My judge told me that he was like kind of the troll in his family. Like, I gather he was kind of the troll kid in the family. So he said they all went to the Grand Canyon and they were all just looking down into the Grand Canyon and marveling. And he just went, I mean, it's not that big. Which I thought was the funniest thing. When I was at the Grand Canyon, there was a German tour guide who was very, very impatient with the Chinese woman in our tour group who didn't speak the language because she didn't remember all of his classifications of different mineral types. And so it was very tense. He'd be like, aren't you listening? Like we were, I said it was sedimentary rock on the top layer, then shell, then like he would quiz people. And

then when they wouldn't know, he would get really angry. And I, to the point where I like went over to this woman and I was like, Hey, are you okay? Like, I just want you to know, like, I didn't remember the minerals either. And like, I don't even think the minerals are really the main attraction here like and we had like a little bonding moment because of this like verbally abusive German tour guide there but that notwithstanding I thought it was spectacular and beautiful and I don't even like nature what made you go my girlfriend wanted to go, I think. And I, she really, here's the, okay. I mean, if this might be too personal, but, or too schmancy.

But I do think a nice thing about being in love is that you get to see the world through the eyes of your partner. And I agree with that. And things that are previously kind of unremarkable become rejuvenated in some way. And so the way she relates to nature is so touching that even if I don't like the nature, I like watching her like the nature. And so I thought worst case scenario, I'll look at my girlfriend while she looks at the Grand Canyon like a creep. And that will be enough for me. That's really good. We went with our,

my spouse, and Josh's soon-to-be spouse, the four of us went on Tour Mont Blanc, which was this Alps hike, which I would never have thought would be a trip I'd like. And I think the same is true. It was one of my favorite vacations ever, and so much of it was because Alexi was just so in awe of the whole thing.

So, yeah. Very well said. Hey, you mentioned Mike Judge and I want to mention in the note, you're really funny. Thanks. New show. Congratulations.

Thank you, that's nice. You co-created it, co-wrote it? Yeah, with Mike and a guy named Brandon Gardner who is a wonderful comedian. This is a beautiful stop motion animation show. The people those that's why i was going to oregon on when i was taking the sleeper car there's this animation company called

shadow machine in portland and they do them they did guillermo del toro's pinocchio and stuff they're really the best in the world and they it's a fascinating way to get to know people is watching them puppeteer characters because you see pieces of them in the puppets. Like one of the first animators to work on it was this guy, Malcolm, who is this kind of like tough, like ironic British guy. Nice, but just kind of like whatever the opposite of sentimental is, I guess, unsentimental. whatever the opposite of sentimental is, I guess, unsentimental. And then he had to animate the scene where these two older characters have this crush that they're both too kind of shy to articulate. And you could see all of this like tenderness and sweetness and softness that was clearly Malcolm's, but you wouldn't,

I would have never had access to that if it wasn't coming through these puppets. But it's kind of a cool witchy way to get to know a group of people. Well, it is really great. And congratulations on that. And thanks so much for joining us on Family Trips. It's wonderful to see you again. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, I'm always happy to see you. And I'm so happy we got to talk and meet. Absolutely. Yeah, no, there's been a blast. Yeah, I had a really good time. And thank you for always being such a sweetheart. Always great to see you, Zach. Be well.

Good luck with the atmospheric river. Hey, you too. I hope it doesn't freeze up, forcing you to carry the boat across the bridge. Bye, guys. All right, bye. Thank you bye thank you thank you Zach is in the backseat, chokes his bro Says Armstrong's bad, but his bro says no That's only one example of the fights he's picked But it's classic Zach Wood's road trip conflict Now Zach is at the Walmart, not the lake It's more serenity than he can take

He gets wound up pretty tight and you don't want that Cause he'll come out swinging with the wiffle ball, bad gal Now he's on a fine tune Hometown is like a good tune Gettin' lots of pleasure From hidin hiding pirate treasure Playing books on tip Chetton makes the world tick Thank you.