Fat Chance Podcast - Ep. 47 - David Schmidt

Episode Date: January 27, 2022

This man is an actual walking BandAid. But honestly, this was one of the most fluid conversations I have had on this show; no breaks except to pee once. So much fun that I decided to go over my usual 1 hour time limit.

Oh, that would be the best video recording ever. You're just like, fuck, I broke everything. It would just go black, and then you would hear, yeah, it would go black and you'd hear me probably, like, jump out the window. Michael's crying a little bit in the corner, like, I just broke my podcast. I'm fucking done. No, um, I had a, what was it, my neighbor's dog has, like, cause I do it with the garage open. And so my neighbor's dog, um, just runs through, with the garage open. And so my neighbor's dog, um, just runs through. Cause like we give her treats all the time.

She's like, I'm going to fucking love dogs. Dogs are dope. And she ran through once and she ripped a cord out. I'm like, and you haven't, thank God. It was just like the,

to charge the computer power, just the power to the computer. I was like, Hey, that's why I'm max. Awesome. Cause they got the magnet. They got, but it had battery left.

So I'm like, all right, we didn't lose anything. I just plug it back in. But if you unplugged one of these cameras right now, we're just, that camera's done. Well, hopefully I don't trip over any of you cameras. That would be bad. I don't know why you'd be going behind the cameras during this, but. Maybe I just wanted to see myself. You can't look at yourself.

Oh, no, I haven't turned around, did I? You turned me around. I can't even see myself. What if I don't look cute right now? Ah, there we go. What's up, podcast world? Yeah. Nice and easy.

Cheers. Cheers, buddy. Thanks for doing this. Yeah, thanks for having me. This is better than doing it in the garage, I'll tell you that. When you said that, I was like, yeah, we can just sit on my couch. It's fucking cold outside. It's can just sit on my couch it's fucking cold outside that's a lot better dude it's like that bone chilling cold fuck that when you

wake up in the morning and you're like i should start my car for at least 15 minutes dude that's the brutal worst i used to in high school i would bring a blanket because i would leave like five minutes before class started so i'd huddle up in my little blinky with my gloves on didn't give a fuck oh i never started my car i was the same way i'm like last minute the worst was the steering wheel yes the steering wheel camera with like the plastic steering wheel where like your fingers are like curling over and i never brought gloves i just like i would pull my sweatshirt sleeves over and be like you're looking out of a hole because like you didn't want it to like, you didn't want to scrape off the frost. So you're just like, hopefully I don't die on my five minutes to Franklin high school. Dude, that's brutal. It would have been fine.

If I got, by the time it gets warm, you parked and you're like, not even warm. You're like, I can tolerate this. And then you go in and you're like, Oh great. My favorite people are in Franklin. Oh yeah. What in franklin oh yeah what was i think what was even worse is because we left so late we're at the way end of the parking lot so then we got to walk up and like this sucks it was horrible like one day i'm gonna leave i'm gonna get up early start my car no actually i never thought about that still don't do that by the way no no last minute go barely even knew what i was wearing to school just threw something on i was thinking about this because someone made a joke um at one of the open mics i was at this

week about how he like wore the same clothes to high school every day for the most part and i remember my sophomore year realizing i wore the same thing, two outfits every day, freshman year. I think I had three pairs of jeans, maybe two. It was like a dark and like a light wash pair of jeans. And I cycled through those for like two years every other day. Well,

here's the kicker though, is I would go back and forth between sweatpants, jeans, sweatpants, jeans, sweatpants, jeans, but we had a days,

B days. So every other day I'd changing, it's just the same people so i mean the same thing every fucking day every three days yeah and change it all and they wouldn't know i just needed a third outfit my biggest problem was i would wear like the light color jeans on a days and the dark color jeans on b days but then i'd fuck up and i'd wear the light color jeans on a days again and i bet you people and i'd wear the light colored jeans on a days again and i bet you people knew but i only had two pairs of jeans so like i bet no one noticed i bet maybe one person noticed but like yeah i mean i switched out my shirts but yeah i guess

i did switch up shirts but then i would also just wear a sweatshirt the whole day yeah and so it's like oh i'm wearing a different shirt don't worry like yeah but you've worn the sweatshirt and sweatpants every day. Every day this week. Every time I've seen you in math class, Michael, it is the same black sweatpants, football sweatshirt. Pretty much. My wardrobe was pretty lacking at the time.

And then I got to, like, junior year, and I was like, why the fuck am I wearing jeans to Franklin High School? Yeah. The kids that wore, like, super nice stuff all the time like you know what every once in a while like but friday you're feeling like you're a good like i'll throw on a button down no no nope sweatpants sweatshirt my senior year i wore white n Nike Elite socks with Sperry's every single day with shorts every day. And I thought that was like the peak coolness. And now people, when I see them, they'll be like, remember when you used to wear the white tube socks with the Sperry's?

And I was like, yes, it's still a look. Could have been wearing it right now, but I would never go out in public now looking like that. Oh, not a chance for I go out looking like that. I haven't worn Sperry sperry's actually you know what i think i brought the sperry's to college and then when i saw no one wearing them in college i was like they gotta go i was about to say i really changed a lot in college because i i realized i was not as cool as i originally thought i was I don't think any of us are. No.

Like, not even a little bit. I thought I was cool at the time. I thought I was, like, a trendsetter. It was not a trendsetting look because I haven't seen it yet. I don't think I've ever been a trendsetter. No, I just didn't care. At least fashion-wise. No. It's basically my mom dresses me.

Yeah. As bad as that sounds. She gets me some cool clothes cool clothes otherwise i'd be lost we talked about this like when we walked in but like i don't buy clothes very often for myself i want to start getting like like maybe like once a month you get like one new like cool article like a jacket or a nice pair of pants and then maybe start building it but i will never be the person that goes i want to go update my wardrobe and then goes on like a 700 shopping spree i'll buy one thing at a time yeah like i'll buy a pair of khakis and that'll last me like a year and then

i'll be like i might buy a new jacket next then i'll look around and i usually don't don't like it i'm so picky too i hate trying things on no, because I don't know how it's going to fit, but I hate going to the store because I hate trying things on. Okay. I never internet shop. I just hate it, but I don't like going to try things on either. Because I feel like you're like me. It's taller, but skinnier. So, like, some things are, like, skin tight.

Some are super fucking baggy. And then there's no in between. It doesn't. It sucks. Like you want to work out to get your legs bigger. But then you're like, oh, your calves aren't going to grow. So then you got like weirdly like bell-bottom pants that aren't supposed to be bell-bottom pants. It just doesn't look good.

I got some chicken legs all over. Oh, yeah. I got really skinny legs. My calves are so tiny. And then some things just look like I'm super big at the waist and then super tiny up top, and it's not a good look. I'm afraid to be, like, disproportionate. Like, I never want to look like the guy that's like this.

It's a weird look, I think. It's really weird. The guy looks like he's never, like, sat up in his life but did curls the whole time. That's it. I think that's a weird look, sat up in his life but did curls the whole time. That's it. I think that's a weird look. But lots of guys like that look. This is going to sound bad, but it's like if a wheelchair guy stood up. Like, the legs have never been used.

Yeah, they're basically kind of just, like, bones and skin. Yeah. Well, that's what my calves are. They're fucking, like, I've gotten my thighs a little bigger. My calves are straight up toothpicks. After my ankle surgery, I have definite. My left calf is way smaller than my right calf. Noticeable. What was that like when the cast came off and you see it?

Or did you have a cast? Dude, I had a boot for a stress fracture and my calf was small. I didn't think it could get smaller. I'm not joking. When I took that cast off, it was i got tiny ass wrist see it was smaller than my wrist and it was gross like my skin was peeling like the hair fell out nasty shit yeah even like my boot i was like i think my bone struck or like shrunk because there's no way it could get smaller literally it's just like skin and bones there's no way it could get smaller.

Literally, it's just like skin and bones. There's no muscles. When did you have your stress fracture? I've had like four of them, but only one has put me in a boot. Was that in high school? Hmm. I don't know. I was about to say, I don't ever remember seeing you in a boot. Actually, yeah, I think it was in high school.

It must have been. Or was in college going into high school maybe it was one of those ones where the doctor was like you're doing too many sports yeah and they're like you gotta wear this walking boot it's super cool and you're like i don't know no fuck you and you don't know like do you tuck the jeans in do you put them them over? Like, that's when you're, like, swiping. Oh, I was. I tucked them in. Oh, yeah. Because if you put it over, you look just.

Or I would just, like, roll it up, and I'd just let it bunch up on the top. Yeah, I did a lot of that. Yeah. The going over, I'm like, I got to get special pants. I was about to say, my skinny-ass chicken legs, it could happen with the jeans. But I was a tucker because i was like i don't want it to be like super skinny and then all of a sudden just giant boot with jeans over it like i agree i didn't want to be the knee brace high school girl for attention oh good lord dude there was

someone in high school that we used to make fun of i literally don't remember but i thought we would make fun of we thought the knee braces would change knees oh i do remember her name um don't say it i can't say her name but i know exactly who you're talking it would be like one day she'd come into school she'd had a limp on like her right leg and you're like oh here we go she had that one knee brace with the hole over yeah yeah then like two weeks later it'd be the left knee and she would say it was the same knee but it sure as hell wasn't the same yeah it's i thank god though i've never had those injuries i have i tore an acl tore my patella tendon three three ankle reconstructions, broken collarbone, broken nose, blew up my finger in college, had to get surgery on my finger.

Jesus. Just had a hernia surgery like two years ago. Really? That's a piece of cake, though. Those are easy. Don't worry about it. I thought I had a hernia, but I didn't. Dude, your nuts hurt so bad.

Like, I couldn't bend over. It would be like, this hurts. Well, so they checked me for a hernia recently because I thought I found a lump on my testicles. Scary. Scary. And when I went and got examined, she checked me for a hernia. I didn't know how they checked for a hernia. Oh, yeah.

Basically, they try and tickle your tonsils through your taint. Yep. Like, it just so they like they turn your neck and then like their fingers like in your ball sack like not on your ball sack like they are literally sticking it if you had a vagina it would be in like imagine you're doing the pinch and roll and you take that extra skin and then you just shove it up like literally i knew i had a hernia and they were like all right drop your pants and i was like all right this is super normal and of course there's a doctor's assistant that's like kind of an attractive girl and i was like doctor like do

you care if she's here and i was like yes i do i was like what what am i gonna say no please leave so i was like sure let's just drop them and then she's the one that's like all right turn your head i was like okay i was like i know i have a hernia yeah just sticks her finger up there she's like oh yeah i can feel it and then instead of like i'm like curled over in pain then the doctor's like oh yeah let me feel it horrible they check i 30 seconds i was just sitting there like please they check on both sides too yes like i didn't know she was doing it the first time, and I was like, ah. Like, I hit the ceiling. Mm-hmm.

And I was like, oh, we're done. And then she went to my next testicle, and then, yeah, right again. I'm like, oh. Both of them. And you would think they're just like. Is your mic on, by the way? It says on. Okay, good.

Wieners. Yeah, we're good. Just making sure. I don't know why. Like, there's always something that goes wrong oh see but you always look i'm not even paying attention yeah no you're fine don't worry good that's why that's why i'm the host make sure things work i can't be a host of anything it's it's fun i like it um where were we though the hernia thing the double check in your balls

yeah dude it hurts it's not fun even if you don't have a hernia thing. The double check. You didn't finger it in your balls. Yeah. Dude, it hurts. It's not fun. Even if you don't have a hernia, it is still not fun. Dude, she was, like, tough with it, too. Like, it was. They're not nice. It wasn't like, let me gently push up there. It was like, I want to try and poke through your skin.

Yep. Like, I didn't even know you could do that until I had to get checked for hernia. I didn't know, like like you could stick anything up there but you can it's it's pretty elastic it's mine i'm surprised i didn't poke through i wonder how like deep they actually were in there because i wasn't like looking but i was like holy shit does this hurt but like did not you think it's one knuckle two knuckle. Well, the thing is, like, when she did it to me, I jumped. Oh, so she had to, like, I, like, came back down. I'm like. She's like, oh, my God, I'm an extra knuckle deep by accident.

I didn't mean that. I've never gone this far before. Thank you for letting me be a first. That'll be that T-shirt we talked about, knuckle deep. If that's what makes my T-shirt talking about getting fingered in my ball sack, that would just make my life. That would be it. Yeah, I've had a lot of interesting medical things, I would say.

Also, is it not the smallest you've ever seen your nuts? Or just the whole package down there when you go get checked up? Oh, dude, I'm so scared. I don't want any weird stuff to happen so like i'm already nervous it is so small i mean it's like it it's so small it's like if it looked back up but you're just like i don't even want to be here no because i didn't want to be there it could be in pain and be like i don't even want to get touched right now this brings me to a point so after i got my hernia fixed, my right testicle was so fucking sore for like a year.

Like couldn't even touch it. And I was like, that's not good. I had to get an ultrasound on my ball sack. And if you don't like it, it's like a baby ultrasound, not like one for your muscles, like where they can see inside. They take you into the basement of the hospital. Yeah, because it's some sketchy shit you're about to do. Oh, yeah.

And I was a nursing student, so the entire time I was like, fuck, please don't let it be someone I know. Because if it's a girl I know, I'll walk out. Like, that is so uncomfortable. It's like this 30-year-old woman, super nice, literally, like, drops your pants. You're laying on a table just totally naked. Totally naked. You don't even Winnie the Ponie the poet you can't even have a shirt on like she like curled up my shirt so it was like covering my boobs and i was like okay this is chill and she like tucks your dick in like a little like towel and everything so it's literally just your balls

are hanging out that is it is just my balls. And I was like, so how long does this normally take? She goes, ah, it's usually like 45 minutes to an hour. So I was like, I have to lay on this table and it's just slow rubbing with like, she squirts like the warm gel on her hands and like rubs it on your balls. And the entire time I was like, this is the worst thing i've ever done in my entire life and then for a half hour i'm making small talk with her because i thought it was so awkward yeah she just like wasn't answering so i was like do i just stop asking questions as you're massaging my ball or do i keep talking oh my. And then for the last half hour, I just laid there and I was like,

how much longer do I think it's going to be? They give you like a movie or something. Nope. Just a dark ass room with you and her. And she is literally just like imaging your testicles. I'm picturing like, like really like the basement basement of a hospital. Like we were two floors in the basement.

I thought there was only just like a basement. There is multiple basements. Yes. Well, like, you know, like you see in a movie, like a sketchy dog job, it's got like whatever. I feel like you're there and it's just you and her. It was like, she like turned off the lights and I was like, oh, this is really weird.

And I thought it was, thank God no one else came in. And then the entire time I was like, David, you can't get a boner, bro not even an accident boner like that'd be the most uncomfortable thing ever next thing you know I get the bill for my fucking ball massage yeah fifteen hundred dollars I should have got a boner yeah jeez fifteen hundred dollars to be like so uncomfortably awkward i didn't even come 1500 bucks that's dude horrible i don't i would be at some point i think i just uncomfortably laugh and then they were like i got my results back they're like yep your balls look totally normal and i was like well why does it hurt so bad and they're like i don't know maybe it's some scar tissue and I was like, well, why does it hurt so bad? And they're like, I don't know. Maybe it's some scar tissue. And I was like, so basically I paid $1,500 to have the most uncomfortable situation of my life.

To have the worst hand job ever, essentially. Yeah, basically that would be the worst hand job. $1,500 hand job. Yep. Just to touch my balls. Not fun. And like, do you shave before you get your balls examined? I feel like they would have had, if you didn't, they would have shaved you anyways because

it would impede them. That's what I was thinking. They didn't have to shave me, thank God, because that would have been very fucking uncomfortable. Yeah, I would, for me, I would like, that's one of those things like I'm going to shave so they don't have to do it to me. I also had to get a colonoscopy. Are you okay? Are you dying?

They thought I had, I had to get a brain scan because they're like, you might have a brain tumor. That was freaky. Came back, they were like, nope, your brain's normal. And I was like, oh, thank you. But the colonoscopy, super not fun. You do not want to get one when you're 50. You shit for like 12 hours straight.

I think I slept for three hours, and then it was just pooping. Just straight poop. Is it like, is it, because I've heard many stories like at the end are you just basically shit in water? Oh, it's. It is like you, they want you. What is it? You like put it in a water bottle.

You chug that one, but then they want you to keep drinking water. So it's literally just, you're peeing out of your asshole. You're taking extreme laxatives yeah yeah it's rough and then i go to the hospital and they're like they give you the little iv and i like they like kind of fuck you up right away but it's not like you're totally out so i could walk there and i like walk to the operation table and i'm just wearing my gown like there's nothing you're naked a lot oh apparently doctors have seen me naked many a times and i remember i get on the table but like they already gave me

they call it a cocktail so you kind of feel fucked up they're like all right roll over to your side and like the gown it like my ass is just totally out and i all i remember is they like injected me with the stuff that like puts me out and the doctor goes don't worry no one's gonna look at your butt right now and i just remember my fucked up head was like i'm getting a colonoscopy everyone's looking at my butt right now like it's gonna be on the screen and i just remember falling asleep woke up your butt does not hurt by the way way. It feels totally normal. Then why is it that bad?

Like, oh, the worst part is the shitting. Just the shitting. So the actual procedure itself, I have heard, is really easy. Oh, my God. You literally get an IV. They, like, give you the stuff that kind of makes you loopy. Next thing you know, you're, like, laying on the table. And then you wake up in a bed, and then you go home.

Yeah. That was, like, the only time I've ever had that is when I got my tonsils out when I was younger. I'm assuming you've had that procedure too. I have. Yeah. I remember taking like a Dixie cup of like what looked like child's medicine. And then waking up and be like, have we gone yet? My mom's like, you've been out.

You've been done for two hours. We want to fucking leave. It's wild. That stuff. I understand why Michael Jackson liked that and died from from it because that shit fucks you up like you are out of this world the only actually the only time i had it was uh i got my wisdom teeth out they didn't knock me out did you get like i got the gas so it was just like the mask over you yeah i thought i was i thought i was leaving my body that's a wild i – I think that's where Michael Jackson died from.

Yeah. Is it like nitrous oxide or something like that? Yeah, shit. It's wild. For a second there, I didn't think I had my tongue. I thought I swallowed my tongue. And so I think at one point I remember her trying to grab it. I was like –

I was just going back. And then I felt like i was just going back and then i like i felt like my body just doing this i don't think i was moving but i was like i'm leaving it's literally wild there but i can feel they're like count to 10 and you get to like three and you're like i tried to like have a conversation with her it's like the equivalent of like when i got high here last weekend oh that's it's wild like you can't even speak though i just used all my power i like last weekend i was rendered mute i couldn't talk i have not seen you laugh that hard in a long time you were dying i was dying but then at one point i just couldn't talk because in my head it's like all right one figure out where you are two if you say something it's not gonna make sense and then they're gonna laugh at you

and so then when she and whoever called the uber i was like good we're going oh yeah how was that uber home that had to have been a wild time i think i just passed out i was about to say you and jack and that uber must have just been like i i didn't talk apparently i talked in my sleep though because i went to the couch passed out i woke up and shea was like you talk you talked in your sleep and i was so where the fuck did she sleep on an air mattress i literally yeah i literally walked to the couch, passed out, woke up. She's like, you talk in your sleep. And I just went, okay.

And then I left. Thanks for letting me know. He was like, I don't want to have this conversation. Kyle talks in his sleep. It's some crazy shit. I only do weird shit in my sleep if I'm overtired. I just get really fucked up dreams. That's my thing.

I don't talk. I don't snore. like my dreams are wild like my mom killed me in my dream the other day that was not fun i woke up and i was like mom why the fuck did you shoot me she didn't know i uh when we were in n for New Year's, I had a dream. First time this ever happened, I got struck by lightning. In a dream? That's wild. I have not had that one. I got struck by lightning, and I woke up doing a –

I mean, I whipped my body. Have you ever had it when you're falling? And I think I hit my head. It feels like you're falling? Oh, yeah. And you wake up, when you're falling? And I think I hit my head. And it feels like you're falling? Oh, yeah. And then you wake up and you're like, holy shit. Oh, all the time. Was it like that?

No, I literally felt like shit go through my body. But I got, I felt like I got struck in the head. So I was like, bang. And I think I either hit my head on the ground or something like that. But I was, boom. And I was up. And I was sitting up like this i'm like oh so i was thinking well we were talking about this the other day why so like you can't

live without sleeping right yeah but like when you sleep why is it like your brain is tripping on acid while you're sleeping like what the fuck are dreams like it's there's like an actual answer for that like rem cycle but like why is my mom shooting me with a gun or like the other day i got chased by your brain doesn't sleep and then i don't know but it makes no sense i think it does make sense it makes sense someone who knew what they're talking about we're talking to us but us trying to comprehend why our brain we should do a sleep study for the podcast. All right.

We're going to record for the next 48 hours. We're going to go to sleep twice. And we're just going to record our dreams. How cool would it be if you could, like, take a video of your dream, though? Do you think it would make as little sense as it does when you try and, like, recite what it was? Yes. Or do you think it would make more sense that's a great fucking question because like i'll try to explain my dream sometimes but like

i don't know about you but the background of my dream will change randomly yeah what's happening in the dream is consistent but like i could be outside one second then i'm like in a basement yeah the jaguar is still chasing me like what the fuck no that's me too so that's what i'm saying would it make more sense like because i feel like maybe you're missing out some details i feel like i miss out on a lot of details but like i feel like if you were watching a movie of my dreams you'd be like this is the most fucked up movie i have ever seen oh for sure it's like hey how did we get from here to here real quick now i'd be like i couldn't tell you no clue that's why i'm still wondering i have dreams where

a lot of my dreams where i'm fighting people like i'm in war like i'm straight up like legit shooting people like i'm defending like there's one where i'm defending a castle like a straight up like castle Is this reoccurring? Because it sounds like it's reoccurring. I've had this multiple. I'm, like, I have, like, people are trying to break in, and I am trying to survive. And, like, I think I'm protecting one person. So, do you have a sword or a gun?

Or is it just your fist? I have a gun. Oh, you got a gun? Yeah. I have one where, like, people were trying to kill me and my dad, and then it turned out another family member was the killer but then i went from like driving to the andes on 51st street i'm like where the fuck am i okay that makes me feel better because like literally my where i am the scenery will change in a blink of an eye it feels like in my brain i started writing mine down because like they were absurd

like i i gotta find it but there was one where i'll grab it in a bit but i texted my friends this i was like next morning like you have to like help me comprehend this why were you two chasing me through a mall and then like some other building and why was i butt ass naked see i i don't i'm not naked i have had one you've been naked a lot no in real life yeah it's the worst part i've had one where like first day of school or work and you like show up and you're just in your underwear or something or you're naked and you're like where the fuck is my pants why does that happen oh do you have i don't either do you have one where i've this has been reoccurring a lot i do too i get chased and i'm killing people a lot i'll kill like i'll kill random people they don't have faces no there's never a face but like it's a person that i killed in my dream but like they usually fought me or i was getting chased yeah

but then i'll kill them so i'm kind of a badass in my dream do you ever have like physical impairments like you can't run yes oftentimes i'm playing baseball i hit it baseball baseball i played t-ball for two years because i was afraid of the ball i didn't i didn't see this one coming out of you. Maybe it's just... But I'd hit a ball and I'd be like, I could get a double. I'm fast. And I try running to first base like a newborn deer. And you just can't make it?

Like, are you running and falling? Or are you just stuck? I'm stumbling. My legs are flailing. And then what could be like a triple or double, I only get a single it's the most frustrating thing that sounds really frustrating do you ever get thrown out though that'd be worse no i think it's like right at first it's a just straight line drive to left field and you get

thrown out at first that would really fuck you up i think think sometimes I try for second, and then I get thrown out. I'm dead serious. It sounds like I'm making this up. I'm not. It is. I have one dream that happens every once in a while where my sister lives in Chicago, and it's so fucked up that this happens. But she'll get kidnapped, and I see her get into a car, and I try to chase her, but I can't move.

And then I wake up right away because I'm like, what the fuck's going on? Dude, it's – I don't understand. Do you think they mean something? I was just going to ask you. I would – They have to have some meaning because it's, like, in your head. It's in your, like, unconscious mind, but, like, I don't know what they mean because, like, it's never – never knock on wood my sister's never

gotten kidnapped or like i have not fought a jaguar yet but maybe one day i have not but i haven't been to war either i haven't had to defend a castle in my lifetime i love that it's a castle but you have a gun yeah wouldn't it be kind of it's like it's like a house castle so like imagine like one of our friends is, like, super wealthy, has just one of those, like, weird off houses that, like, kind of looks like a castle but isn't. Would you like a house like that? I feel like if I could afford a house like that,

I could probably afford another house. So, like, why not have the castle house? I would agree. I agree with that statement. It would be pretty cool though like if you had a gun in medieval times you just shoot people with swords that would be fucking wild how if you if you could time travel and just drop a gun off like 10 guns off somewhere in history how drastically different do you think history would be like like you just drop

two guns off in a war like like a viking war or something like that and you just have like like this is over boom i it would change so much that or even like think of if you drop like an m16 off in like the civil war That would be wild. You could just kill as many people as you want from wherever you want. Yeah, fuck the drummer boys. It would change everything, I think. If one person had a gun. One.

Just one. Just one. What if Rome had a gun? Do you think it would have fell? Literally, you just have one person shooting people and everyone else is like, what the fuck is going on? You just,

people just dropping dead. And they have no idea. Like what kind of archers are these? Yeah. There's no arrows. What's going on? Like there's nothing like, cause they wouldn't find the bullets.

It'd be like, Oh, there's just little rocks on the pebble road. Still. Damn. I've never thought of that. I always put myself in it. Like how many people

could i kill before they like stabbed me with a sword but like if i didn't if i had endless ammo i think i don't think i'd ever die yeah oh i thought i thought you meant like if you were just in the roman war i would die instantly if we were fighting swords i would be murdered so i would 100 be the archer in any war like i want to be as far as fucking away possible yeah they kind of just get told when to shoot arrows and then you just shoot it in the air hopefully you hit hopefully you never know if you hit someone like do they practice i don't know like what is like are the were there like decorated archers like you don't know how many people you fucking killed. No.

You really don't. Did you tag your arrows and then when the war is over you just go like, oh, that's mine. Hey, that one has my name on it. That's my kill. I don't know. Both of ours are in there, but mine was a headshot. Mine was first. Bro, I saw mine hit you way before yours. I followed it the whole way.

I got like 20 confirmed kills. You think there was ego back then like that? Probably. There has to have been. There's there was ego back then like that? Probably. There has to have been. There's war. There's ego. There's war. I can't imagine charging someone with a fucking sword.

I'm terrified of sharp things now because I dropped a box cutter on my leg when we moved in here building a couch. It went through my leg like butter. Butter. Have you ever seen it? That's a good box knife look at that oh shit like you dropped it i'm not joking all i did is kyle i was opening this thing is like two inches long and quarter an inch thick i literally was just opening a box and kyle was

like what are you doing i was like hey shut up i'll cut you i just turned around like showed it to him and when i turned around i dropped it and him. And when I turned around, I dropped it. And my elbow was on my leg. So that's like a foot, not even. Just hit my leg. And I remember looking down, trying to pick up the box cutter. I just looked at my leg. And I was like, no.

Just totally cut through. I never got stitches, though. Yeah, do you just kind of like butterfly bandage it together? Well, when Kyle and I first moved in here, we didn't think band-aids were important. So I used athletic tape, and we like taped it together. It didn't work well. But it never hurt. It did not hurt at all.

The only time it hurt is when it was healing because it would get itchy. Yeah. But that was it. I had that with my cat. I was playing with him once and I was like, you ever like, I don't, you hate cats, but. Just because I'm allergic. I know. So like, it was one of those things where I'm like, I'm playing with him and he's getting

more and more aggressive. Oh yeah. And I'm like, if I do this again, cause he almost he almost he missed my face does he still have his claws yeah he missed my face and i was like if i do this again he could hit my face i would fuck and i was like and i didn't move my face at all back up i was like let's try it again and i put it in front of my face and he pawed me and he i was like ow i went like this and i brought him with me he stuck into my nose and he pawed me, and I was like, ow. I went like this, and I brought him with me. He stuck into my nose, and he opened my nose up big time, and I was like, this definitely would be like stitch-worthy.

Oh, yeah. And like he dug in deep. I just had like those butterfly bandages where you pull them, and then they squeeze together. That's what I did with that. I did like three of them, and I was like, oh, that'll work. You can't even see a scar or anything. No, it's this side right here.

Look at how crooked my nose is. Oh, it is a little crooked. Yeah, they told me. To the right? Yeah, when I broke it. I had to wear like a face shield my senior year for basketball. That is so hard to see out of. I took it off like immediately, and I'm not joking that game.

Someone hit me. there's a picture of it hit my nose again i think i rebroke it and i was like i am not getting surgery on that thing again but like people don't notice can you breathe fine yeah my right nostril is like closed a bit probably 75 open like when i go you can hear it but fuck it's a nose would you like one of these fuck yeah i'll take one thanks man land shark today's sponsor of the show is land this is like if i could pick a like top five sponsors i want land shark is one of them like hands, hands down. Really? So, like, go-to beer? Yeah.

If it's available, I'm taking it. You're taking a Landshark all day, everyone. Yeah. That's Heineken for me. I would take it over Coors, Miller. For, like, light domestic beers, it'd be Coors, Bud Light, Miller. I had, like, one of those, like, bad nights on Miller where – I'm not a Miller-like guy. I don't mind it. Like, I can drink it. There's nothing wrong with it like i can drink it there's nothing i can drink it but it's not i'll take any like and cold i like

it it's fine but if i had to pick one it's definitely coors same for that but i would take do you like bud light i don't mind it that's water to me like that's a hundred percent water to me my one of my roommates would always drink my beer when i bought it and he hated fucking bud like because it's a rice beer i can't tell i can't tell the fucking difference my palate is not that good neither when it comes to beer food it's getting better but beer no food dude i got covid like last october couldn't smell or taste anything for i still can't smell i left the burner on three months ago for like four fucking hours never smelled it and kyle walked in he was like what's on fire he's like david what the fuck are you doing are you trying to kill us he was like if i lit a match we would

die and i was in bed already because i got tired yeah it was like nine i wonder why you got tired yeah you were dying kyle wasn't here i would have never woken up that was it for david that was literally gonna be my end just death by burner and you know what they would have considered that a covet death because i died with it's i got coveted over christmas um like every other human being on this planet were you sick no i had the sniffles for like a day and a half like a little like phlegmy and then i was fine like christmas day like i tested positive the two days before christmas i was totally fine basically that day the day after for sure christmas i was like a million bucks i had i was like sick for a day maybe like a day and a half and then i woke up that third day and i was i felt

a hundred percent fine yeah they made me sit at home for two weeks are you still like do you still work out and stuff ever so yeah not as much as i used to but i would i am the way i work out now is how i think high school coaches wanted me to work out when we were in high school. Yeah. I wish I cared more in high school cause I never fucking, I didn't do it. Like I hate, well, part of it was like embarrassment. Cause it's like, I couldn't lift anything.

You were, that's how I was like, I could barely do tens on a side benching when I first started to work out. Like I was so skinny. benching when i first started to work out like i was so skinny like my freshman year i think i weighed 110 pounds and was 5'3 i walked up to eric wimmer for jv basketball and i said hey coach everyone laughed at me and they're like you know he's on the team right and i was like well okay eric wimmer has looked like he was 30 since he was fucking 15. They all do. All those guys look so much older than me, and I wore sleeves, and everyone else was sleeveless

because I didn't have armpit hair my freshman year of high school. I didn't have much armpit hair, I think, going into high school either. I think I grew. I hit puberty like hard, hard, like senior year, freshman year of college. I'm still waiting on puberty. Same. I still think I'm probably going through puberty.

I would like to grow for sure. It's not going to happen. I'm like fun size, but you're not fun size. Five, eight. It's not terrible. That's not that bad.

I think that's like the bare minimum. That's like, like, like if you're five five then it would be like then it's like all right you are that's fun size that is fun size you would just be like a shareable size that's like the one thing like i'm at least tall enough where like we complain about pants not fitting but like pants definitely wouldn't fit then like there's no way you would be buying like kids yeah i can't like no way no i i hate buying pants it's my least worth i hate by i don't pants are the worst

jeans are even worse than i not that much i wear it when i go up north to set up our hunting property and when we go up north to actually hunt that's it that's it i want to wear jeans more because i think it's like a good look but i don't think they look good on me i think they make my legs look shorter than they actually are. I kind of feel that. Because I can't find a good pair of pants that fit. I think jeans are just so uncomfortable. I like the stretchy jeans, though.

Yeah. If you're not wearing stretchy jeans at this point... I was about to say, when those first came out for dudes... I think even the construction workers are wearing stretchy jeans. They're probably wearing Wrangler. Wrangler, yeah,

but they're all stretchy jeans, too. Never thought you'd hear that. wrangler wranglers yeah but they're all stretchy jeans too never thought you'd hear that wrangler making stretchy jeans is that is that the manliest jean there is wrangler carhartt maybe just carhartt do you have anything carhartt i have a hat like every other white girl i was about to say, anything that you can wear besides your head. I used to have, like, long sleeves or T-shirts. My brother's got all Carhartt stuff, but that's because he's doing, like, heavy machinery stuff. I will say, like, if you're doing that shit,

that's, like, the best brand you could get, I would say. If I'm wearing Carhartt and then going on stage tonight to tell jokes, that's just, that doesn't make sense. No. At all. No. I would tell you to not do that one i'm probably gonna put on i guess i have gray jeans i wear sometimes but i don't

consider them like blue jeans that's not jeans to me yeah i agree like if they're color jeans have to be blue yeah otherwise they're not jeans in my book but you could have black pants yeah gray pants but i would never say those are some nice gray jeans. Yeah, I agree. Those are nice pants. Those are nice gray pants. I don't even like those because they're close enough to jeans that I get the same feel. I'm like, I look like you just – it looked like when someone was making me, they got to my kneecaps and were like, fuck it.

Then it was just – Wear nothing, yeah. I don't know what it is about jeans. It has nothing. Like, I like the look. I just don't like jeans. It doesn't look good on me, I think. I got Lulu pants.

I swear by Lulu shorts for sure. And sweatpants. Do you have the ones with, like, the built-in underwear or the non-built-in underwear? I have both. I have both, too. So, which one's the more important one? So I'm torn because, truthfully, I hate anything with built-in underwear.

Same, but that's the only thing I'll ever wear. So I hate anything with built-in underwear because when I use them to work out, I like wearing my own compression shorts because those don't ride up and go into my ass crack when I'm working out. So are you still a compression shorts kind of guy? For sure.

When I work out. Not right now. No way. God, no. Not right now god no not right now people who i'm working out or running they don't have nuts if you wear compression shorts throughout the day you just don't you're not gonna have kids for one but like it sounds so painful it's i'm very good because i work out every day so i'm fine with being in compression shorts for like a longer than a workout. But I agree. If people who wear – we're going out tonight, and you ever see a guy, his pants are sagged a little too low, and he's wearing compression shorts. Why the fuck are you wearing compression shorts right now? I don't get the whole sagging thing either.

Out at a bar? Compression shorts. What if he was going to grind with a girl? You can't let her know. What is this, fucking middle school? High school. High school. Come on, man. I will say I probably wore compression shorts this fucking middle school high school high school come on man

i will say i probably wore compression shorts my freshman year of high school i'm sure i probably did too well not percent to the dances or to oh to the dance to the dance i never wore them to i've never worn them like i've never worn them to school but i bet my ass that i wore them my freshman year that shit was crazy to me you know oh yeah from a private school i was like oh my god it was holy shit girls are grinding with dudes here like that is we had dances at our school yeah were you like we're like jesus shit yeah and then you were doing like move your body like a cycle room for jesus no yeah we would have it where where a teacher would come in and be like, save room for Jesus. We didn't have that.

I think we were just so naturally awkward that we all were saving room for our fucking embarrassment. But the people that were couples, they would be close and hugging each other. Otherwise, we'd find the fat kid and dance with them to move your body like a cyclone. I was about to say, I remember you really threw me back. Middle school dances was probably the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done in my entire life. They're uncomfortable for like the first like 90% of it, but like that last like 30 minutes and no one gives a fuck anymore. You're just like in pizza, you're like, oh, I'm going crazy.

And then you're like going to sleep over with one of your friends house. You're like, dude. Yeah, because you're getting excited i almost danced there yeah i would i would have i would have but she was in the bathroom during that song there was just so many people like i didn't want the teachers to be like whoa don't get too close and i was like okay i won't she's by her friends i think she wants it yeah she doesn't even like me the excuses we would call like we would come up with for all that shit, even in high school for a bit, was like...

I've come up with some pretty dumb excuses. Pretty dumb, dumb excuses for why. At the end of the day, all of it is just, I'm a pussy. Yep. It basically is. I just couldn't admit to something, so I'm like, no. No, this is why I didn't do it. That's what happened.

It was not me that did that fucking middle school yeah you're throwing me back the private school life that's a crazy life to live it is i think some of the worst kids come out of private schools for sure i agree a hundred percent i like my high school friends suppressed i like my high school friends way more than my private school friends. Like, I actually think they're nicer, too. Mm-hmm. I think a private school, this might sound bad. Private school kids are pretty fucking weird.

Oh, 100%. That's why they're at a private school. Yeah, and you have hyper-religious parents. Like, it's either. It's either money or very religious parents. That's why you're there. Or, like, you would get bullied in a public school probably yeah like thinking back but at it now like there are some kids so bad definitely like if you were in a public school but then there was always like

one or two kids we were like you don't fit in here like you should be at a public school right now i had a few friends that were, like, super, just super normal. Yeah. But they went to a private school because, like, their brothers did. But. And private high school is a lot different than, like, a private grade school. I would. I'm so happy I didn't go to a private school.

Same. Same. Oh, my God. I remember, like, when I was picking. I was going to St. Mary's. Like, I could kind of. But living in Franklin, I could go. I could go to Franklin. But I also, I could of but living in Franklin I could go I could go to

Franklin but I also I could do what was I don't know what it's called where I like my dad was like maybe do you want to go to Greendale oh and I remember finally putting my foot down and be like no I'd not go I was like I'm going to Franklin because my neighborhood growing up my neighborhood was the most like if I could put any like give any child like a specific childhood i would give them my neighborhood to the right of me and in front of me were four different neighbors all kids around my age my brother's age across the neighborhood and this it's a circle with a line through i mean there's like maybe 80 houses in this entire neighborhood you know everyone i just made a face. Did you see that? I did.

I haven't been looking at it, so I was like. That's good. You don't have to look at it. I was like, what's up, my people? But where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. I was like, all my friends, they all went to Franklin Public Schools, everything. I'm like, I never got to go there.

I'm like, I don't want to go to a private school anymore. I'm like, I'm going to Franklin. I'm going to go hang out with them. So did you – you went right from private school, middle school, to Franklin though freshman year because that's when I shouted you because I did the same thing. Yeah. And I knew Kyle and, like, Dan and all my good friends now from my neighborhood.

Yeah. I didn't know, like – when I got home from school, I was chilling with my Franklin friends Same Every time Every day All day And when they would have like

Birthday parties and shit like that I would get invited I'd get invited And you felt cool You're like oh I'm hanging out With the Franklin kids Now I'm like Fuck the Franklin kids

But like for the most part But That's like Just like Oh I'm out of high school Kind of thing Oh yeah But

Yeah I was like I would go over to like Joel's birthday parties And like all the Franklin kids Would be out of high school kind of thing. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, I was like, I would go over to, like, Joel's birthday parties, and, like, all the friend kids would be there. Didn't you kind of feel pretty dope, though? But, like, I liked being the new kid. I was the new kid, too, and I liked it. I liked it because I love meeting new people. And so when I got to high school, I remember Jake Fernandez being like,

dude, I've seen you walk down the hallway with someone new every day between every class for the last week. I go, I know this is awesome. I was about to say, you could talk to a wall and you'd be good at it. I do often talk to a wall. It's just in my head. It's just in your room. It's like, hey, Michael, that was a great day today we had.

It's usually a little more self-deprecating than that. Listen here, you fuckface. You gotta do way more than what you're doing right now i know you're exhausted and did a ton of shit today but not enough not enough the wall's like yeah he's right he's like yeah and then i talk back to myself do you talk to yourself all the time dude like most of my conversations are with myself when you talk to yourself everyone says like you gotta have positive mental self-talk i call myself the worst names ever i'm like you are the dumbest piece of shit i have ever met in my entire life

oh yeah like i'm not very good at talking positively to myself i'm i'm better at it now like i've i think mentally i've grown a lot since like admitting admitting this is what I want to do and finally doing the stand-up shit. But I'm also more selective of when I'm critical of myself. I'm still critical a lot. But when I am critical, it's the fucking worst shit. And I think it's warranted. So when I first started doing stand-up, there were a few times I drove down there and i got like nervous like obviously i'm about to go talk in front of people i don't know and try and make them laugh and shit like that and i still get nervous this day but it's like you're

gonna do it because you enjoy doing it but there are times i would go there and i get in my car or i'd stay in my car and be like there's like no one there this wouldn't be beneficial to me whatsoever and then i just that's what i and there. This wouldn't be beneficial to me whatsoever. And then I just, and then I just wouldn't go. Then you talk yourself out of it. I talk myself out of it. And then I would start driving home. And within five minutes,

I'm out loud actually calling myself names. Like you fucking pussy. You're like, you're never going to get anywhere if you keep like hiding from shit you want to do. And like, so I just like, it's aggressive, constructive criticism. I was about to say, I'm hard on myself.

Yeah. I'm not just calling myself, like, dude, you're a pussy. Just to call myself a pussy, yeah. I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help myself. Yeah, because there's things. I just get nervous. I'll be like, oh, I don't want to do that.

Yeah. And then I'll get home, I'll be like, don't want to do that yeah and then i'll get home i'll be like what the fuck like why didn't you do that and then i get mad at myself almost that's exactly what is happening it has happened with me a lot of times i just i'm mad at myself all that like a lot like if i don't like if i make myself a to-do list or like i know i got to do something and i don't do it i'm like why the fuck didn't you do it like it just it's usually like a dumb reason if you're dumb it no it's honestly because i'm lazy or like i like i'm procrastinating i went on my phone for too long and i'm like oh no i'm tired like i could have folded my laundry and instead i went to bed 10

minutes earlier and then i woke up exactly like why are you so i tell myself i need to sleep it's like you're not gonna go to bed anyways right now. You're just going to sit on your phone. I'm going to wake up tired regardless. Exactly. It's so, but because of that and recognizing that, like, I've gotten better at, like, just fucking start doing the things. And because it's way more fulfilling, obviously, way more. And I'm way happier than I was two years ago.

I've been trying to ignore that. For sure. Just because I don't have to talk negatively to myself. Like, dude, we don't have a dishwasher. That shit fucking sucks. Get a dishwasher. I hate doing dishes. You pay $500 in rent for an entire house.

You guys can more than afford a dishwasher. You've seen my kitchen. Where the fuck am I putting a dishwasher? Put it in the fucking living room. I don't care. Dude, no space for a dishwasher. It's like the worst thing ever. By the way, that's Buddy the squirrel right there.

Nice. That's Kyle. Kyle takes pictures of squirrels because he's weird. Wait, he actually takes pictures of squirrels? No. Okay. I just want your leadership to think that he does. I was about to say Kyle.

I think that's Kyle's uncle took a picture of a squirrel for us. We just haven't hung it up yet, but his name's Buddy. And that's Kyle's grandpa. The plant over there. The plant? Yep. That's his grandpa. I call it his grandpa.

This sounds so bad. Are his ashes in there? No, they're not. But his work got him. This is so bad. I was fully convinced you guys grew a plant with his ashes. No, we did not grow a plant with his ashes. But they got him this is so bad i was fully convinced you guys grew a plant with his ashes no we did not grow a plant with his ashes but they got him that that's why there's a little orange bow because they got it for him like when he died and kyle was gonna let his grandpa die again

i'm the only one that waters it so that's kyle's grandpa in the corner all right i like this he doesn't water it he's just just going to let it die. So it's just me. What? Where are we at with time? I don't, I'm actually like really enjoying this. I have no idea. 53 fucking minutes already? Isn't that crazy?

Usually I cut this off at an hour, but if you want to keep going, I have no problem talking. If I get a piss in, I could talk forever. Yeah, I got a pee too. So you want to take turns? Yeah. You pee. Is this the sponsor break? Hey.

Yeah. I'll just read it. Welcome to Fat Chance. This is want to take turns yeah you pee it's the sponsor break hey yeah i'll just read it welcome to fat chance this is going to be our sponsor break while we go pee just turn your mic off when you go and then i will read um the government warning for a land shark this episode is brought to you by the land shark lager government warning according to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcohol beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects.

Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery. It may cause health problems. All right, ad reads over. Wow. Landshark, please sponsor this. This has been a lot of fun well if anyone's still listening to this episode

if you go and buy two t-shirts you will be entered to win one of the original fat chance windbreakers i'll make that a deal you go buy two t-shirts i don't care which ones buy the cheapest ones um i will enter you to win one of the original fat chance windbreakers let's honest. A lot of you aren't still listening right now. So, honestly, if you go buy two shirts, you're probably going to win it because I had a lot of friends say they were going to buy shirts,

and they didn't. I'm looking at all of you. That was good. That warning label went way quicker than I thought. Yeah, I'm not good at reading, so I'm not going to read anything. Well, you've got to talk to the camera for a little bit. That uh that that warning label went way quicker than I thought Well you got to talk to the camera for a little bit We can do a crazy store after this I'm gonna turn my mic off make sure you turn yours on Hey, this is the new host

This is David. We're gonna not read labels because I suck ass at reading. By the way, you fit perfectly in the bathroom. It's tiny. You're welcome. So it's been 55 minutes, which is crazy. Michael is peeing. I bet you can hear him. That's a great stream you got rolling right now Well

My favorite beer is Happy Place and Heineken So You should also not drink if you're pregnant That's the biggest warning I'm glad I'm not a woman and can't be pregnant But women are awesome I just don't think I could push a baby out

Because That doesn't sound fun Hey Michael do't think I could push a baby out because that doesn't sound fun. Hey, Michael, do you think you could have a baby? Like, do you think I could produce a baby? No, like, I actually, like, mentally and physically don't think I could get over having a baby. That sounds so brutal. I couldn't do it right now. It wouldn't be fair to the baby if i had a baby

i don't i love babies i love kids lean back so you're in the camera again i was oh yeah okay so we're gonna do this i'm gonna do i'm gonna pretend like we're ending it and then so worst case scenario i don't have a ton of time to edit something later i'll just release yours in two parts works with me dog so we ended like this this is the second to last ep i don't know why i'm putting this down um second to last episode of the season damn i get to go out with kind of like a bang yeah so the i asked one serious question i've been thinking about it the entire you know you know what it is i still don't have a great answer for you, though. So what do you live by? I have a few things.

So ever since you've told me, by the way, Michael's a cheater. He told me before so I could think about it. We were drunk last week. Yeah, I was thinking about it. So you said most people say friends and family because I could definitely not live without that. But I don't wake up every morning thinking about my friends and family, if that makes no yeah so like i would say that would be a part of it my one big thing is i kind of am competitive i want to be better today than yesterday okay so when i wake up it's more because some days they all feel the same do you feel that oh yeah like sometimes you feel

like you're just going through like you're just going through the most which is my biggest fear that's my big fear but like i kept thinking it's like a beautiful struggle life is so shitty sometimes but so awesome i never know what a day is gonna bring so like i don't have a definitive answer for you but i know if it today is a bad day tomorrow could be a great day yeah you can't have the ups without the downs i think that's the most important thing and like yeah every day is not going to be awesome it's not going to be like the most memorable day but i think that's up to you truthfully so i could always have a good day there's a jake heilman sent me this clip once when i told him i was doing stand-up and he's like this could be good for your podcast or whatever um or like a send me a podcast episode there's a thing

called daily homework and so like when you say like not every day might be memorable but i think you can pull the basically the concept memorable but i think you can pull the basically the concept of the episode was you can pull something out of each day easy so at the end of each day and i'm like i'm not the biggest fan of journaling even though i write down my fucking thoughts all the time for a stand-up yeah um but at the end of each day write down what you thought was the most memorable part of that day and then you have a journal kind of thing you go back like every month you can go back and be like fuck this happened this happened and then you just kind of like it jogs your memory of all the shit that actually happens let's be honest like how many

times do we talk about like what we've been talking about now high school and i jogged your memory from like middle school like cyclone you're like holy shit that i don't remember but you could remember someone like primes it for you it's literally just like a word that will get my brain that throws it back and i'm like holy shit it connected something my friends and i always joke like when they come over we always say like what are your highs and lows of the week and sometimes i have a hard time thinking of the highs and lows yeah but like literally there are days like weeks where like one of my lows would be getting up because i was too tired like that's literally one of my lows would be getting up because I was too tired. Like, that's literally one of my lows.

I have a great fucking life. Exactly. But then there's highs sometimes where it's like, you know what? I just had, like, a good day at work. Like, I didn't feel shitty. I wasn't tired. And I feel like I help people. Like, that would be a high.

But, like, during the week, it doesn't feel that important. No. Because you just look back're just back going through the motions but then if you wrote it down you'd be like see that actually was a really good week because you have some weeks where obviously waking up is not the worst thing where it's like something crazy happened at work or like family shit like there's always highs and lows but you never really think about it until you write them all down you can like see it now the Now the problem with that is like, cause I tried it for like three days and then you forget, like one of those things where you have to make it a habit.

So you have to do it. Like, I don't know what the rule is to make something a habit. It's like 21 days, 21 or 27 days. I remember that. Yeah. Is that true? I don't, I mean, think about like working out. Like now, now if I don't work out, I feel terrible.

So it's a lifestyle, like a habit that becomes a lifestyle now for me, like working out. I used to be on a – I would work out every day. And then when I got my surgeries, my last ankle surgery, I was on a big workout grind. Then I got that and I didn't work out for like six fucking months. Yeah, and you get out of that routine. I'm used to not working out. And then starting't work out for like six fucking months you get out of that routine used to not working out and then starting to work out so hard but i think working out makes me feel

better oh it makes like it gives me more energy it is my like quote-unquote therapy that's like i i don't check emails i don't check texts when i work out so it's just me music and doing whatever i want to do exactly although i'm getting so sick of my fucking music working out dude i my music selection is trash now unless my friends show me new music i it takes me like sometimes i just have to play through a playlist and then let spotify just start playing random shit that i'm like oh this isn't bad all right we gotta have this conversation okay sorry to cut you off spotify apple music spotify 100 right yeah it's gotta be spotify it's spotify my friends were on spotify and now they're like no apple music is way cooler it's gotta be spotify is there that much of a difference though dude i remember buying a dollar 29 for the newest hit

song and i was like it used to be 99 cents before that yeah and then they dragged it up to a dollar 29 for the newest hit song and i was like it used to be 99 before that yeah and then they dragged it up to a dollar 29 and then like the old retro ones were like 69 cents and i was like damn that's it's i mean we i definitely that was before spotify was even a thing though i was about to say i can't and that was i don't even remember i don't even think that was like apple music like it's what apple music is now that was like it was just itunes back when my dad had we the only ipad we had was i don't know the size of a brick ipad yeah did you have a fan like a family ipad that like everyone it was my dad's it was my dad's but like if i needed to use it yeah i could use it and i was like this is you put it into remember like

oh i got the new i home so you like plug it was just like a boom box it just had like that one little like plug-in right here you'd set it down it was just like a little music and then when you want to change you did this on the thing you're like oh i went too far go back i have my two younger cousins that are like my they're like my brothers basically my youngest one is a senior in high school right now and he literally does not believe me that when i went to high school for two years i had my fucking slide phone with the full keyboard and my ipod touch in my other pocket he was like there's no way the iphones were like everyone had an iphone back then i was like dude i had like a legit like text to swipe phone like with the keyboard so the left pocket was iPod Touch.

Do you know I didn't get an iPhone until I was a senior in high school? I think my first one was when I want to say I was a junior. Also, I got it the week before we graduated. Oh, damn. So, you went out on a high note, though. Yeah. I was like, I got an iPhone 5. That's the one with, like, the, you could, like, set it like this, and it would stand straight up.

Because it was square or something like that? Yeah. that was my favorite iphone iphone 5 i me with phones is i don't like if it's like pants for me it's like if i find one that it works like i have a pair of pants i'm like i'd never want these like i just had my favorite pair of pants rip in the ass in like six different places and the crotch i'm like i think they're a little old it's like a phone like my phone works because i know i don't want to go through the process of transferring it over maybe not having everything after and then having to like learn like i had uh what was it the iphone 10 i've had you still have it no i now i have i have some max one so the only reason we got a new one is my

brother has shattered like in the last year has gotten four phones he's broken so many phones um so finally like we never got like apple care or whatever finally my mom was like you're getting it i was about to say that's a huge like he is so but i had i've had this i had this phone for three four years. Like, I'm at the point where, like, the stores are like, we'll give you a new phone if you just upgrade. And I got a phone call because we still have, like, a family plan. And my mom's like, come to Verizon. And I knew right away.

I'm like, I don't want a new phone. I don't want it. Like, and I gave it to him. My brother's all cracked. Like, one's shattered. Steven's a little bent. I gave him mine. He goes, how long have you had this?

I'm like, three. He goes, there isn't a scratch. There isn't whatever. Like, I'm like, if I break anything, it's the screen protector. And then I'll leave the broken one on. Why do people do that, though? I don't feel like it. Mine's technically broken right now.

Like, that would piss me off. I just broke. So, I had an iPhone 8, and I loved that thing. Loved it so much. I didn't even rock a case on it. I could throw that thing across the wall. Oh, I didn't have a case on my 10 either. It would never break.

I would toss it at the gym. I just broke my iPhone 10 at the start of December. I dropped it. You know those metal square things when you're crossing the sidewalk i literally just dropped it and it hit right on the corner and half the screen just went straight black like perfect so and i had to get a new phone i fucking hate the iphone 13 i want my iphone 10 back so i think i have a 12 max or something like that. Which is too fucking big. How big is it? Because that's just the normal 13.

Okay. So that's mine. See, this is so big. This is way bigger than a 10 plus. Well, here's the problem with that. I was like, man, try to put that in your shorts pocket and work out. I have to waistband it. Well, I have Bluetooth headphones.

I mean, that's a girthy-ass phone right there. Well, if you saw the way i treated my phone like when i go to the gym and i'm like all right i'll change my song i will toss it on the ground but i'll like not like toss on the ground i like toss it at my foot and i and i hit it with my foot so i hit it i break the fall and then i put it on the ground it's i mean it shouldn't break the worst part is i they could make a phone that one you would never have to charge and two that would never break but they won't do it because they won't make money oh you won't make money it's it's ridiculous like i used to think that was like

a far off concept do you know how easy that would be for them to do but you'd never get a new phone no and like and like what's the difference that's 12 this is a 13 what is the difference the only difference is mine's way too fucking big and you have three cameras in the back yeah do you take a lot of pictures no i never take pictures i for a guy that has three cameras pointing at us right now yeah that's very true i do not take pictures he just records conversations like a clue like i don't like i've said this so many times but i would much rather live a moment than take a picture of it that's all i am i like i if i there's times now where i wish i had more pictures yeah sometimes like there's fun things i've done with friends and i just don't have any pictures

of it but i remember it i would rather just that's more important to me that i remember it but sometimes like when like you ever casually like you get bored so you're looking through your your thing or like you see your friends have all these pictures of it like i kind of wish i had those same um but i think i remember more than they do yeah so i get that like it's just i think it stems from i don't like when people ask to take pictures i would much rather ask to take pictures. I would much rather people just take pictures. So, like, you know what I mean? I used to bring, I have a fourth camera in there, like, the first one I ever got.

I fucked up because I didn't know how to, like, camera that can record. These can all record indefinitely. That one records for 30 minutes at a crack. I just wasted, like, 600 bucks on a camera. I'm like i mean whatever but so i bring that i would bring that one to like parties and i just put it on a table and be like see that break it you buy it but those pictures mean so much more to me because you don't know who took them it's like a classic and like you have like a few few pictures where you're like people are posing you're like oh get in get in and you just it's like a quick oh and then you're back to what you're doing it's no longer like all right guys

we're gonna pre-game but have this pre-game we're gonna take pictures against the wall that says happy birthday you know like when sorry females it's usually like a girl that's like hey everyone let's get like a group picture and then you usually it's always and then you wait because someone's like taking a shit or someone you're like oh we gotta wait for this person and then you take it and then they're like oh no no no we need another one then you take like five of them and you're like it kills the mood for one i think like if the party is in a natural flow and everyone's like feeling it yeah i'd rather it gets killed being like hey ubers are here let's go and then everyone's still hyped up but the minute you stop and be like let's get a picture that of the 12 of us

six of us are going to post by the way they're all going to post the same picture so that everyone who thinks they're unique is not unique for one it's always always the same picture or it's on their story and it's like oh it's dumb like i already know that you guys are all together exactly because i saw i also saw your 90 snap stories from the night. That makes no sense. You're singing at a bar. You can't even hear the fucking song. You are not a snapper.

No. You're kind of like me. I don't post pictures. The only time my friends are ever like, I know David's drunk is because I Snapchat. Like, I have a Snap story, and they're like, yep, David's drunk. Jake Gain tells me that all the time.

He goes, I know Cusky's fucked up. It's the only time I ever. He snaps me or he puts anything on his story i literally i'm not joking if you snap me twice you're my best friend on snapchat uh yeah that's me too literally that's it like i'm not a big snapchatter the only time i use snapchat is to send dumb ass pictures of my ugly mug to my friends i'm not even like a huge like i like communicating but like i hate texting i'd much rather like facetime or call you so are you a facetimer i'd rather call them facetime um if it's like someone like if it's like a female and i'm like into her facetime because obviously like i'd like to see her face yes i get that one if it's my friends like my guy friends and like

i'm like hey what are we doing tonight normally i'm doing shit yeah exactly like hey what am i doing tonight or what are we doing tonight i'm calling you yeah and i'll put it because like i can get instant answers and also you can hear the inflection in people's voices you don't you don't know what they mean by like any text messages like yeah i'd hang out tonight unless you've that could be like yeah i'd hang out tonight like yeah i'd hang out tonight right yeah hang out tonight you don't know that yeah, I'd hang out tonight. I'd be like, yeah, I'd hang out tonight. You don't know. That's three different options right there. And you all could tell the difference with that. When you call him, it's like, I get what you're saying. Because for texting, like, I even, I've texted my friends for like 10 years now. And there's still times where I'm like, I don't know if he's joking or if he's being like dead serious.

And then you call him and you're like, yeah, dude, that actually sounds really fun. I was like, I thought you were just being like a sarcastic asshole. Yeah. I literally had no idea. And they're like, no, I was being dead ass serious. Yeah, I think for sure that my answer would definitely be like, I prefer call. Would be the number one thing. That was my answer.

If it's more like an intimate relationship, then yeah, FaceTime. And then like FaceTime's fine like i like doing it um but like between guy friends i don't need a fucking face like i occasionally i don't mind it if it's like i'm hungover i'll facetime hungover yeah or like drinking is when facetime happens because you're like you got to see like what's happening here or whatever but if it's like making plans, like just basic communication, phone call over text every fucking time. Yes. Because my big thing with texting is I'm not a great texter either.

No. Because like if you text me, like I've just, I've already gotten a few. And if I, I'll hear the buzz. I'll forget about it. Yeah. Unless you call me and I like talk to you, I probably won't look at my phone for like an hour. I often am, I think people were like, this guy's an you. I probably won't look at my phone for like an hour. I often am.

I think people were like, this guy's an ass. He doesn't reply. I just get distracted. I'm at the point now where I will see someone's text message. And I will like try and scroll up from the top and read as much of it as possible. So they don't get the notification? No, because I don't have read receipts on or anything like that. Oh, see see i'm a

read receipt kind of guy like if i if i don't fuck with you i want you to know i don't fuck with you because i'll leave you on read fair i like there's times also where that stabs me in the back yeah i'll accidentally open it like text everything out i don't know if it's just but i don't the reason i don't open it is because then it serves as a reminder, like, hey, you need to reply to this at some point. We were talking about the podcast. You may have saw it at, like, noon today, but if you don't think you can reply to, like, 6, don't fucking open it

because you're going to forget about it. That's what I did with you in the podcast. You were like, hey, I'm going to text you to remind you, and immediately as we got in that car, I fucking opened it then like wednesday i was like oh shit is cuz you're not doing that so they texted me on thursday and i was like fuck it we are doing it still because i totally forgot dude that's the thing too is all week i was like i gotta text david and i forget and i was like and i was like i was like all right text him wednesday because that's enough time for him to like if he needs to change anything. And then I completely forgot.

And then I was like, fuck. I was going to text you, but my big thing is now because I get mad. I've done this before. When I say yes to shit and then I think about it, this is what we were just talking about. I'll think about it too much and then I won't do it. Yeah. Like a little nervous to come on the podcast, but like you guys are dope, by the way. Yeah. Like, a little nervous to come on the podcast, but, like, you guys are dope, by the way.

You have been more of a consistent talker than I would say 90% of the people that have been on here. I mean, I could talk. We talk all the time. Yeah, I know. When Michael and I go out, it's literally just us drinking and talking about stupid shit. But, like, I get nervous in front of people, I would say. Yeah. Yeah, that's a beautiful point. Like, I used to, when people would get nervous coming on in the beginning,

that's why a lot of the alcohol was there to begin with. It's also just fun to drink and talk. Once I have, like, a four or three beer thing, once I get that, I'll just keep talking. Well, I used to just not tell people I started. I used to, like, it was a joke. It got to be a joke, but at the beginning, I turn the cameras on be like i'll hit the mic when we're ready to go i'll let you know and i i could just i'd fuck around my computer pretending i hit start and i and i it weren't they weren't these mics they were like they were already in front of his

face so we'd just be talking and then he's like are we gonna go i'm like we've been going for 10 minutes he goes really good yeah you see how easy this is this is all i then he's like, are we going to go? I'm like, we've been going for 10 minutes. He goes, really? I go, yeah, you see how easy this is? This is all I want. I get nervous. I'm sorry, I have not been looking at the cameras very much, but I've been looking at you. Yeah. But it's just you and me talking. Yeah, that's all.

I mean, it literally is. Literally, it's literally me at a bar drinking beer, but instead of someone coming up to us, I just reach down and grab a beer. I know. Isn't that nice? Dude, you got to come do it again. I'll be moved out by then, but I'll do another and grabbed a beer. I know. Isn't that nice? Dude, you got to come do it again. I'll be moved out by then. But I'll do another one in the garage.

The garage ones are so fun. Like, it got to a point where I do kind of want to do a garage one. The garage one. That's the O. It is. The garage ones are fun. I got to a point where I was like, I'd, like, finish up early, and I'd be like, all right, go set up. I'd have, I think the first time i did it it was uh

josh ringelberg came on and i loved and i went to i went to and he's like do you care if i just watched that do you care if uh brooke comes over i'm like no i don't care at all like i don't i don't care if there's an if there's an audience it doesn't bother me at all um especially if it's our friends like they're just gonna contribute me though they're just gonna contribute like there are, like as long as they're respectful and like, Hey, shut the fuck up. You don't have the microphone. You can talk when you're like, we say talk kind of thing. But I was like, you know what? I'm going to treat this like, this is like a real thing.

Cause like I do treat this as a job. Oh yeah. As you should though. And so I would like, I run to target. I'm like, all right, what? I remember what like Brooke likes. I was like, all right, what I remember what like Brooke likes. I was like, all right,

she likes vodka sprites and whatever. And then John, like Josh, what kind of beer do you want? And I have these two like metal buckets that look like they're supposed to be at a bar. Like if you had one at a table, I had it iced down.

I had a bottle of booze for her cups. Um, like ice you actually like used to, for the drinks, all the mixers you could because she's like i want like vodka or like gin and tonics or whatever so i'd like multiple different tonics and stuff like that we had like six different beers and shit i'm so sorry there's different times i don't know if it was tonics it might be like oh it's like uh soda waters and shit like that so there's like see that shit are you a big hard alcohol guy? I prefer hard alcohol over beer.

Mainly because it keeps me less full. Also, I went through a health... Still am in a health kick, but like when I was really out of shape in college, that was like one of the things that helped me cut down on a lot of calories is going from beer and whiskey Cokes to vodka sodas and shots.

Yeah, because you were drinking vodka sodas this weekend that's all i drank yeah that's all i drank so is it just sprite and vodka vodka soda yeah no vodka soda is vodka and soda water i hate vodka so so so soda it's basically carbonated plain water vodka and a lime so when i was like 10 Remember when you got to like Mow the lawn And you thought it was Fucking sick Yeah you were in like

Like The OCD in you was like I gotta make the perfect lines When you were 10 Like Yeah I remember when my dad Let me

I was like This is Like peak I'll ever get to in my entire life Bonkers yeah And my dad was so excited Cause he doesn't have to Fucking push mow the lawn

Yeah It was a Saturday I'll never forget I am 10 or 11 Like 11 at the to in my entire life. Bonkers, yeah. And my dad was so excited because he doesn't have to fucking push more than one. Yeah. It was a Saturday. I'll never forget it. I am 10 or 11. Like, 11 at the absolute most. Pearled the lawn. Just pearled it. But it was like 90 degrees.

So I came inside and I was all fucking sweaty. And my dad likes vodka on the rocks. Like, that's his thing. Oh! And I can't do that. That is just so gross to me. But that's his thing. Good for't do that that is just so gross to me but that's his thing good for him he's saving calories just by drinking vodka but i thought it was water i thought he poured me a fucking glass of ice water so like you know when you're so chugging you start

chugging and it's like it's like a normal like just thing, which is like ice. So it's not huge. I put the whole glass down. But you don't know that that's, like, the social thing when you're younger. When you're 11, like, I didn't even understand what drinking meant. Exactly. Like, no idea. So I was like, damn, my dad is so nice. He poured me water. Like, ice water.

Like, this is great. Chugged the whole thing. All of a sudden, I'm, like like on the verge of puking and i'm like standing over my garbage and my dad's office is downstairs and i remember i was like holy shit is my dad gonna be so mad at me like he is gonna be furious so i sprint downstairs trying not to cry and i was like dad he's like what david wrong? Like, he probably thinks I just cut off like a toe. Or like ran over the dog with the lawnmower. Something crazy.

I'm like, I drank your special vodka drink on the counter. I'm only 11. It says you have to be 21. Am I going to die? And my dad, instead of just like being like, are you okay? Laughing. Just started shitting his pants laughing. Oh, yeah.

And I'm still crying because I'm like, holy. Because he knows it's not going to hurt you. I'm like, holy fuck, I'm dead. Like, this is it. This is my life. 11 years old, mows the lawn, comes back in, has some vodka, passed out on the ground. I took a nap after that, woke up, and I was just straight chilling. My mom was so mad because my i didn't know i thought it was

water and ever since then i cannot do vodka this might be a hot take like i'm never gonna want my kids just like oh some start pounding booze but let's be honest if this accidentally happened to your oh it had to be the funniest shit you in back of my head i'm like all right one you're gonna be okay you like tell your kid you're gonna be be okay. But two, in my head, I'm like, I want to see what this little drunk kid does. I'm not joking. 11, I was like 105 pounds freshman year of high school. I'm probably like 80. Yeah.

80 pounds. And like, even with ice in there, that's like three shots of vodka. I literally remember going to bed and waking up and I was like, fine. You basically like blacked out. I wasn't hung over or anything but i remember i put on it was spongebob yeah this shit but i remember i just fell asleep my dad woke up and he still thought it was the funniest shit oh yeah i like looking back at it if i have an 11 year old that pounds a thing of vodka i'm gonna like do a case study

about what it does to an 11 i'm gonna try and keep them like hey what do you going to do a case study about what it does to an 11-year-old. I'm going to try and keep them up. Like, hey, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to Six Flags? Or we could go hit some baseballs or something. What kind of food do you want? Yeah, like I would be all in. Imagine watching a 12-year-old like, I want bagel bites. I want pizza rolls. I want – I'm like, all right, you got it.

You got it. You got it. You do whatever you want. It'd be – obviously, you don't want it to happen. but like if it happens, you know they're not going to die. It wasn't like my dad was like, here, David, I'm going to set this here for you. And you didn't finish off a fifth either. He just poured it, and it was like four at night. It wasn't like he was drinking at 11 in the morning.

He just poured it for himself. It was a Saturday. And my dumbass 11 year old self was like water not water not water it's dude that's like i've said it out here multiple times but my first my first experience with alcohol was doing the exact same thing you did my dad had cups he my dad drinks uh gin and sprite so it's another clear liquid if it sits around long enough it you don't see the you don't see the bubbles anymore and like if i or or if it's like we'd have like those like is opaque the right word but like colored like weird like tall glasses and stuff like that like um plastic ones and so you can't

see in the inside you just see that it's clear ice you're like and you're coming from outside i might have honestly i think i've done it mowing the lawn too. And you take a big gulp and you're like, fuck, that's not it. You don't taste it right away either. When you're 11, alcohol makes no sense. No, you don't get it. You really don't understand it. I never knew my parents were drunk until I was a junior in high school and I drank for the first time.

It's like an ignorance is bliss thing because if you have no concept of it you you're that's how powerful your mind is though is like you're like that's water so when you first touch it you're like it's water and then it comprehends like this is alcohol yeah because you're whereas if someone's like this is alcohol immediately you're expecting it to taste bad so a sip yeah your brain it magnifies it so it's like that's very interesting so once you're like if i was like this is water take a swig you'd be like all right in the first couple seconds you know like second you'd be like it's water and then as like younger i think it's more aggressive but like if i did it now you'd be like oh that's vodka

but you took a big swig but if i go that, that's nasty vodka, you would touch it to your lips and be like, I was about to say, if you gave me vodka and you, like, if we just fucking played football, catch for like an hour and a half, and you poured me a glass of water and you said it was fucking water, I'm gulping like three big gulps right away, and then I realize it's vodka. If you tell me that's nasty-ass vodka, literally. If it's good vodka, like your dad probably, that's the thing, if it's if it's good vodka like your dad probably that's the thing is your dad probably had a very good vodka he's a big titos and gray goose guy

so like it's that's more like i was about to say it wasn't like i was distilled or i don't know what it is like it has more of a liquid texture whereas like if your dad had poured burnets oh that syrupy thing that would have been a little quicker. I would have died. I'm so happy I'm not at that age where burnets are still cool. Thank God we don't do that anymore. Thank God. Smearing off dragon fruit.

That was my first puke in high school. If I smell that right now, I will vomit. My first puke. I was with Sam Walsh, too. He literally made me go play fucking basketball after I just threw up my whole insides. And he was like, no, it's a part of life. My first puke. I don't know if it was puke or dry heaves.

Like I really haven't puked much drinking. Actually, I think my first puke was in college. Not a big deal. But I've had like dry heaves. I had dry heaves twice in high school and that was like the two times i was drunkest in high school um but yeah the first time dave matthews concert going into senior year of high school dude of course it's a dave dave matthews again i've said it so many times but like i didn't drink in high school i had one beer in my life going into that

dave matthews concert one beer i think that was it so you never drank in high school. I had one beer in my life going into that Dave Matthews concert. One beer, I think. That was it? So you never drank in high school? You can count on one hand the amount of times I drank in high school. You guys drank a lot. We drank a lot. I think we got busted our first time like sophomore years.

That was bad. But then it was every fucking weekend. We drank junior year. It was like chill, but senior year. I didn't drink during basketball season because I thought I was going to get a super cool scholarship, but I didn't want to ruin it. After that, though, I got a drinking ticket. I had to get suspended for five games for baseball with gain.

That was super fun. But I never smoked in high school, but we did. We drank. I smoked before I drank i the first and now i drank like a fish but the first time i smoked was senior year like summer it was like three weeks before college that was the first time sophomore year and see i love the the first smoke stories are the best sophomore year and i don't want to say his last name, but Mikey C's basement.

You know what I'm talking about? Fucking love Mikey C. With Jared, JJ, and I want to say Colin. We had a dance rave party in a bathroom. I'm like, what the fuck is going on right now?

I didn't even feel high. Did you get high the first time you smoked so i didn't think i did because i didn't know what i didn't know like you have no idea to be honest the first couple times i didn't know what to feel same and then i remember us finishing a costco size thing of fruit snacks and fruit roll-ups and a family sizesized thing of Oreos and a gallon of milk. And then you're like, oh, shit, I could never do that. But I still didn't feel it. I was like, and we watched The Minions. Fucking love The Minions, by the way.

Still don't remember it. You're talking like it's just The Minions, and then they're like, banana! No, I think we watched, I think it was Despicable Me. Oh, come, you've got to watch The Minions. and they're like, Banana! No, I think we watched, I think it was Despicable Me because it was that. Oh, come. You gotta watch the Minion. Dude, I don't even, I don't,

I haven't seen the full thing. Oh my God. I haven't seen any of the Despicable Mes, any of the Minions. I just like the Minions because it's like a knockoff SpongeBob but there's lots of them.

It's, uh, what time is it? 630? Fuck, I gotta wrap this up soon. I'm just such a good guess that Michael can't leave. Yeah.

Usually I cut these off in an hour, but I've actually really been enjoying this. My dad's DM'd me twice since we've been here. I was about to say, we're just straight chilling. I wish I didn't. I mean, I'm glad I have stand-up tonight, but I wish I would just keep doing this or I would turn these off and just chill and hang out with you. I was about to say, we could totally just chill. Yeah.

Well, I'm going to come back because cameras are not that scary no they're not at all like literally before you came here i had like two beers because i was like dude i'm a little nervous like i was thinking about it today and i was thinking about your last question i was like honestly god that's such a good question that i don't just have like one answer for you like i really had to think about it this This is the easiest thing ever. I haven't even paid attention to the cameras. Trying to think. So I started doing the question the second season.

Yeah, you got to think of a third season one. Do you want to? Well, this is the third season. Oh, shit. Yeah. So my buddy Connor, when I finished tending a lisp, it's crazy to think how many of these I've done. We were talking about that last weekend.

It is like how many hours do you think you have how many hours do you think i have let's say i'm over under 100 so this will be episode 47 so that's at least i would say it's about anywhere between 55 to an hour and 20 hour and a half for all these episodes so let's just round it out to like an hour 15 per episode um or an hour so i'm at 47 hours with that and then 16 episodes attending a list because i ended tending a list at 16 my buddy kind of like why don't you just break it up into seasons or do something different i like the seasons yeah so like i have a different question each time you want to answer well how will we end up with this we'll we'll end it with the season two question and see if you have an answer for it i still can't even think

it's no okay when's your birthday so like may 5th may 5th so go tomorrow baby okay so i didn't even get so many of my good if you have an answer for the question and can do it basically it's this stem from me up every morning no that's not it oh that's not even the one no oh give it's this stem from... What gets me up every morning? No, that's not it. Oh, that's not even the one? No. Oh, give it to me. It's a different question, yeah. So this question stemmed from me doing stand-up. I was like, I need to do this before I turn 25.

It was like, 25 seems like a milestone. Skydiving, because I'm a pussy. Skydiving, that's what you have to do before your next birthday? Yeah, I only got four months. I'll probably do it in the summer though because i've told everyone gets a year if you're unless your birthday is like 11 months away my birthday is may 5th so i only have like four months but i have said i wanted to go skydiving same for since i was 18 and my little cousins we both said that we were gonna do it but i told them we probably all three

of us can't do it at the same time because Because, like, if we all die, there goes our bloodline. Like, no more Schmidt kids. That would really suck. Sorry, Dad. But, like, skydiving's got to be it. Because I feel like if you can, like, mentally get yourself to jump out of a perfectly good plane. Yeah. There's nothing you can't do mentally, in my mind.

So, I really want to do it and i think i'm gonna i have i have an idea for how i want to do it so i got connected with this guy and if i butcher your name i'm apologizing but his name is johnny de julius it's a sick ass name it's a great name apparently so my friend ethan or ethan kashuk said he's like uh i think he's a he's an unbelievable wrestler out of i believe ohio state and now he has this brand it's uh no tomorrow or something yeah i johnny i'm so sorry i'm butchering this right now but i was introduced to him through someone else and we have talked back and forth about him doing the podcast. He was literally just in Utah with the Paul brothers for Jake Paul's birthday,

which is unreal. And he was, like, riding all these, like, cool machines, but he does, like, base jumping. It is fucking insane. So the reason I was, like, I – because usually I have so many people that like, like you should do have this person on. Yeah.

99% of the time. I'm like, yeah. Okay. This girl sent me a picture of Johnny. I'll show it to you after this on a plane. He's on like an Amelia Earhart type plane on top of it, strapped to it. And they're doing fucking backflips. I want this picture framed.

It's so fucking cool. The shit that some people do. But he does – like there was a video of him driving over a bridge. He's sitting on the roof of a car. Yeah. Feet are like in the window sillier and then just jumps off the car off a bridge and jumps, pulls his parachute. I want my first time skydiving. If he's for it i'm gonna send him this clip if he's up for it i want to skydive with him for my first time it's insane he just jumped out of a helicopter the people that do

that shit though like when you're jumping out of bridges like you're literally just falling you're pulling the parachute like at the last second before like you smack. But that's like he, that is, that's conquering a few. That's his whole, like he is no fear. That is his whole brand though is like, why? Like why, why put this off? Do you think once you do it once though, you think like that's the big hurdle? So that's my biggest fear. So it's a goal of mine to be able to jump like he is without someone tied to me.

So I was about to say when I go skydiving, I'm not it's gonna be someone pushes someone's gonna push me out yeah a little kangaroo yeah strapped to this dude that jumps and he's pulling everything but like i still consider that skydiving but that's i'm not the one fucking jumping yeah because if it's me i'm standing in that doorway for like 10 minutes. They're like, dude, you got to jump. Yeah. I'm going to be like, okay. Well, that's where they go. We're going on three. One, two, gone.

Yeah. But it's, what was I going to say? It's a goal of mine to be able to jump without like someone tandem. Yeah. And it's like the first one scares me, but like I've learned quickly with my personality is i am a little bit of an adrenaline junkie where i know once i do it and i'm okay i'm gonna keep doing that second one will be tough but that third one is gonna be a must like so like that's kind of it's gonna be like we're doing this

shit every fucking day i wouldn't say i'm an adrenaline junkie, but I do crave. By no means am I. Once I get it, though. Yeah. If I do something once and I'm okay, but I get that rush out of it, I'll do it, but I'll up it a little bit. So if I actually start jumping out of a plane by myself, I don't know where that's going to lead to.

I want to go bungee jumping. Same. My bucket list item, my true bucket list, like jump by myself. One day if I ever have enough money, I will have a military plane fly me up. I want the door to open.

I want the door to open. Basically, I want the door to open out the back. I want the song Fortunate Son playing. Oh my God. And I want to fall out of back. I want the song Fortunate Sun playing. Oh my God. Stop it. And I want to fall out of the plane backwards. Stop. I want it to be

a fucking movie. I want to sit with like my legs fucking dangling off that plane and then they're like you're clear to jump. You're just like

Or you just like roll back. I want to like walk to the edge. Those jumps those guys walk to the edge and just fucking go. They do it like that though, like a joke.

They're like, this is like riding a bike at this point. Those guys are crazy. But I want to do that so bad. I don't know if it's I want to do that bad or do I want that confidence? I would say both. Yeah. Because doing it though like i think you're just floating above everything that's got to be so cool the other thing i want

to do before i die safari i want to go on it i do want to go to safari but that's like something that doesn't scare me as much no that's not terrifying no i want to see like a fucking real life you know something that scares me that i don't think i will do like if i don't want to go like shark diving in the middle of the ocean fuck that the first thing you said something i kind of want to do but don't do like if i could be in a submarine and go like marine exploring but like i'm in a submarine i would freak out i'd freak out like don't get me wrong i would love to explore the ocean so cool but once you think about you are in a metal tube yeah in the middle of nowhere. And we haven't explored most of the ocean.

The best way to explore the ocean is if you could just put a camera on the front of it, and I'd be on the land. Like, if I could just, like, a drone, like a water drone, and I could just, like, witness it from on top of a boat. Sick. If I'm going in the submarine, fuck that. No. Dude, I don't like being out like in i went

deep sea fishing once we have to end this by the way because i need to go soon but uh um deep sea fishing once and we went like a few miles out into the ocean and i'm like if this thing if this thing broke down like what do you do i have a panic attack like what are you doing you're just like cling the deep sea fishing was fucking fun though like you just kind of forget about it like all right i trust these guys but yeah you had those intrusive thoughts you're like if shit goes bad one way or like what if a storm just comes like but you know damn well they're not taking you out if they knew a storm was coming no but like literally it could just be a bigger wave than they thought and your boat capsizes like what the fuck are you doing they could have life rafts but life rafts scare me like what if my feet are there and a shark just comes i was about to say if you're if i'm

making a little life raft like the size of this couch and a great white shark comes up next to me that's like four times the size of this couch i'm will probably freak out so bad that i jump in get eaten i would just be i i wouldn't jump in i'd be be paralyzed. I would be terrified. The deep ocean, I don't even want to go on a cruise because of that. Yeah, cruises. Well, I want to go on a cruise, but my mind just goes to, what if we stop out here? Do you really want to? How much fun is a cruise? I would rather go to Mexico than a cruise.

It's like three slides from the Wisconsin Dells and all-you-can-eat buffet. I'm not a big cruiser. I've never been on a cruise. The cruise ships are so big that it makes my brain hurt thinking about it. But no, deep ocean, I'll stay out of there. All right, we're ending this. Look into the camera. Either say hi, say bye, say something nice to me.

Hi, I'll be back. Or your favorite quote. And Michael's a goat. My favorite quote. That Michael's a goat. My favorite quote. That's an interesting one. I don't have a favorite quote, but Michael's a goat, and I'll be back. That's all I have to say. That works.

Thank you very much. Dude, this was actually so fucking fun. We're at an hour.