Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.23 - Michael Cuske

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Due to a lack of guest planning, it is finally my own episode on my own show. Watch as I hit rock bottom talking to myself in the garage.

I don't know how to start this. I've hit rock bottom. This is what happens when you don't plan anything. You're in a garage, by yourself, talking to a camera, and for all I know, my brothers are laughing at me outside that fucking door right now. Well, like I said, this is what happens when you don't prepare. So, I prepared in the last five minutes, and we're going to talk about some things. So welcome to my own episode, my show and my episode this time. By the way, I was writing this shit down and in my notebook and a recipe for beef stroganoff fell out. in my notebook and a recipe for beef stroganoff fell out so if anyone's looking for a good beef stroganoff recipe this one's from 2016 it's a little vintage i'll throw it on the website

i don't have a website what the fuck am i talking about you want it let me know you can have it and just to give credit this this is from Helen Cron. Helen Cron, if you don't want to be on my show, say something. Three and a half hours, six or more people. Alright, let's do this rundown. Let's make this quick. It's going to be an easy edit.

I got one camera. I will still find a way to fuck this up like matt's audio that just happened to go a minute or an hour and 10 minutes in i don't have to worry about telling people looking at the camera i feel like i should be more centered in the camera don't you think at least up and down i Make sure I sit up. Yeah, I should definitely be sitting up. I'm not even wearing shoes.

This is a glimpse into what my head is. All day, every day, just... It's a lot of dumb shit. First of all, let's get... No, not get these out of the way. I got to stop saying that. You can tell I'm taking this seriously now that I'm willing to do this by myself.

All right. I need a beer. Topic number one, stop driving, okay? This is hard enough to do this by myself. Park your car, go kiss your kids make them dinner who the fuck is this can you drive whatever okay one i think there were 15 engagements this weekend of friends and family not family but friends i went to one party got home and i see a picture that another one of my good friends is engaged so i text him congratulate him and then throughout the night i swear to god i see five or six more

what was the date august 1st is that just a known date to propose to people congratulate him. And then throughout the night, I swear to God, I see five or six more. What was the date? August 1st. Is that just a known date to propose to people? By the way, Corey and Ellie, it was gorgeous. It was beautiful. It was a ton of fun. I mean, your kid stole the show, at least for me. I tried to steal him, no lie, but I don't think your mom would have liked that. Or you, Ellie. But that kid is adorable. Adorable. I mean, I posted an Instagram picture on my personal account. Because he's so fucking cute.

I mean, that's my first one in... I mean, the last picture I had was when I started the other show. And people look me up. I'm not even doing what the last thing was on there. That should be the most recent thing, right? Oh, well, three minutes. Fuck. This is going to take a while. That or it's going to be 10 minutes long. I'm going to ramble until we get going here. Um, but yes, congratulations to both Ellie and Corey. It was a wonderful day. You guys couldn't have asked for a better day.

The band was awesome. If we can find a way to get them to play at your wedding, I say we do it. And then congrats to Taylor and his fiance. Didn't know it was happening, but congrats, buddy. I love you to death. I wish you two nothing but the best.

All right, sappy shit over. With the engagement, i said last episode i don't i'm a walking red flag i swear to god i am three ways three relationships they don't even add up to a year all three of them but for some reason i was like maybe not really but really, but you're surrounded in a place where you're just like, everyone loves each other. And you're like, I kind of want that. And it made me want to go on a date more than anything. That and baby fever, but that lasted until you guys took the kid away. Then I was like, I don't need him.

Or when he cried, I was like, someone else take him. But I want to go on a date. Wouldn't that be fun? I've been on one date. Now that sounds bad having three girlfriends. But like I said, one was an extended weekend. One was a month in high school where I had just gotten a phone. I have no car. I can barely talk to women. I have no experience with them That was an extended weekend and I was sick and I had no phone in middle school Yes, i'm counting a relationship in middle school as one of my three because you know what I can't just say two And then the third one They're all like double dates

There were no like one-on-one dates I was still I didn't get a car until like halfway through. And even then you have, I don't know, it wasn't my license or my temps. I don't know how much I could really drive her around and go on dates. Again, I'm a pussy. I had no idea what to do. I'm terrible at it. terrible at it. I've been on one date in my life and it was with a girl who's from Australia who I knew was moving back home in three weeks. Pat yourself on the back, Michael. You are going to die alone. But a date would be fun. I don't know. I like getting dressed up or doing something fancy or making a night out of things i hate doing the same old same old every goddamn weekend text someone or your friends like hey man let's go out let's go to the bars or let's just sit in our basement and drink it's like why we did that the last 150 weekends let's do something else mix it up. Let's play. Play. Jesus Christ. What are we, four? No, let's make a themed party.

Do a different bar than the normal five we go to. Let's find, like, there are so many different bars in everyone's city that you can find an event. If you end up at a bar just drinking at the end of the night, like the very end, totally fine. Because that's what's open at that time. But why not start, don't go straight from working all week to just drink until Monday. Because then it's a blur and then you hate yourself Monday why not have more than just memories of throwing back bud lights or spotted cows if you're from Wisconsin um

I don't know it's just a mini rant I hate that I'm semi-comfortable right now doing this I don't want this to become a normal thing where I just talk into a camera in my garage. Then again, I could also listen back to this later tonight and be like, nah, I'm not going to release this. This will be the one time, or the first time in a while I'm like, I do not like the sound of my

voice. And I talk a lot. You'd think I'd know what the sound of my voice is like. So yeah, if anyone wants to go on a date let me know but by what that's the other thing I'm just gonna skip to the end here kind of we'll come back we'll circle back in episodes eight minutes long whoo-hoo real quick guys it'd be an easy upload I'll tell you that won't take seven hours again how do you close or how okay i know how you close kind of but i'm terrible at it i'm so fucking bad i am so afraid to look creepy

god i'm gonna get roasted for doing this. Like, when I had the one video do semi-well recently, I got a bunch of follows on social media. People who have no idea who I am, they saw one video of me and Sam talking about how we got arrested in Miami, and I have like 200 people follow me. how he got arrested in Miami, and I have like 200 people follow me. Like, Instagram is honestly just a socially acceptable way to stalk people, isn't it?

I can't do the, much like I said last episode, I don't know how to just, I don't know how to is the wrong way to say it. It isn't in my brain chemistry to be like, like this picture i want to go follow you yeah look at that my mom thinks her car is so quiet i guarantee you everyone hear this right now i mean i think your car is broken mom take your time don't worry i'll just keep rambling. Mom! Hurry up! Move it! I'm going to have to edit this part out. She is so slow.

We need to get her a new knee. I guarantee you she walks right through here will stare at me make a face i promise you she will there she did she did it she did she's a lovely woman so mom if you listen to this i love you but hurry up front door this is going to be the most boring I mean this is like 25% of the show Where it's just me waiting for her to fucking leave Still has her key in the door You have one bag in your hand

3 2 1 Door closed Oh where was I Where the fuck was i how to close yeah i like how that's just like i'm gonna ask the internet for advice you know how much shitty advice if people actually watch the show would give me on how to close i mean i've seen in person people trying to close and it's

that's why i don't i don't want to That's why I don't want to be those people. I don't want to be those people. Oh, hold on. Back to the Instagram thing. This is the ADD podcast. Holy shit. And then I draw a blank. What the fuck?

No. So, following people. As much as I appreciate all of it, 100%, even the little, little, little, little, little success that this had a few weeks ago, the only way I follow other people is if I get that initial follow. Because I honestly think social media is just a socially acceptable way to stalk someone. It's kind of fucking creepy. Especially if you're, I mean, yeah, if you have a public profile and people just follow you willy-nilly, I mean, who knows? I mean, everyone has seen everything. Like the amount of dudes that have seen an attractive girl and just like, I'm going to follow all these accounts.

People like, if you go to a guy's account and he follows 1,500 people, honest to God, over a thousand people. I bet you 75% of them are women. And I bet 50% of those are people. He has no fucking clue who they are. No clue. I don't get it. It's even more baffling is when a girl follows a guy just randomly in my head at least and that'd be the only way i follow someone back who i find attractive was like all right you did it first just you know reciprocating the gesture then again how do people dm people and not feel like an absolute creep never met them you've only seen pictures of them and like 30 that's it well to be honest girls probably way more than 30 i'm going off of my account and then just be like hey what's up you're beautiful i want to talk to you or like let's fuck what the hell man how do you do that

not saying you should or that i want to but there are people you do see on them and go wow they are gorgeous how the hell do you talk to them because i mean you'll see their account that someone follows you and they're like they're in pennsylvania or canada like, I'm not going to see you anytime soon. What? I hate when people walk by. Like, I just stopped and stared right here. I'm like, Pete, you're under. Fuck you, man.

Just trying to get an episode out because my other guy's canceled. Oh, well, I i gotta stop talking about instagram it's useless well it's not useless it helps but i don't i don't think i'll ever be that person like i honestly i could be i will be the kind of guy that if i'm at a bar and we're dancing and a girl rubs against me and all six of my friends including girlfriends are like you should talk to her i'd be like i don't know if she wants to oh just afraid to be the creep although this is kind of creepy i'm talking to myself in the garage right now for all i know there are people just outside listening. Next topic, let's do this.

Well, I'll go back to the kid, Corey, your kid. Fun fact. So I've recently taken a liking to TikTok because it has helped me out a lot. I am slumping down in this chair a lot and I'm just falling out of frame. And I wanted to post a video of him on TikTok. You know, use your kid as clickbait. I mean, he's got to be useful for something besides shitting his pants and, I don't know, crying. Although he was a very well-behaved kid, I'll tell you that. I think he, like, fussed up once or twice, and then I just showed him your fiancé. Or you. You do a very good job.

He is you. It's a hundred percent. And he's so cute, which is weird to say because you're my friend and I think he looks like you. So do I find you very cute? Also, we used to be roommates. So let that sink in, um, back to the kid. So I tried posting this video of him, but the idea was to post this video of what i did saturday first and then combine it with me dancing with him and the caption i think was going to say same weekend two very different days and the first video was this kid we met at the lake no idea who he is tall lengthy white lengthy, white guy. And I go, hey, rap to me what you did yesterday. And it's this white guy just trying to rap miserably.

Can't rhyme. He's saying he can't rhyme. He said he's white and has no idea what he's doing with his life. And then it just instantly cuts to Taylor Swift in the background and me dancing with your son. Within 30 seconds, I got an email from tiktok they go we have taken your video down due to violation of conduct i'm like what the hell did i do like i i honestly thought it was uh the the guy rapping because i mean i say fuck a lot in this and i need to tone that down big time but i thought it was him just saying i

don't know what the i'm doing and it turns out like i clicked on description and it said uh endangerment of child and minor safety and i realized the video is your son kind of grasping my Miller Lite and us doing the ass titties cheer with Heilman. And they think, I guess, they think it's too young for him to be holding a beer. I mean, he's already, what, eight months? That's old enough to at least hold the beer. I mean, he was holding it firmly. I mean, firmly grasping this Miller Lite.

And you can see in the video, it looked like he was getting into the cheers. We're raising him young, and we're raising him well. And you best believe I did say we. I'm a part of this, whether you like it or not. The unofficial godfather. But yeah, I got taken down for minor safety. Ellie said at 10 I can give him his first beer i was thinking 12 but i'll go with 10 it's a lot earlier i don't have a long time to live i think heilman gave me to 52 so 10 years that makes me 35 that means i have what 17 years to drink with him then

That base yeah that brings them to around now, yeah, we're good we're good we're good all right um So I've covered your engagements Congrats again you guys I'm done talking about it your child as you can tell I'm obsessed with them Which this video is gonna get get flagged now for child safety. There's some dude in his garage talking about how much he loves your kid. Now, Twitter. So, yes, I have a Twitter. Do I use it? No.

Have I ever used it? No. however in a recent trip to denver my media department i.e cody who has done nothing because i've also sent her nothing although recently i have sent her everything but she doesn't have the passwords to get in um she asked if i had a twitter and she went and followed, I got to pull it up, herself and her boyfriend off my account. And then they followed me, I think. I don't even know where the app is. Here we go. How do you get to your personal account? Yep, I'm following two, and I have two followers.

Same two people. Now, because of this, before before actually i got no notifications from twitter zero not one wasn't bothered and then i opened the app randomly one day before i got followers and i started getting like news notifications like kevinant signing with the Nets or Tokyo Olympics canceled in 2020 or whatever was going on at the time. Then you follow me, and I'm getting recommendations on who to follow. At first, it was five or six people that are related to uh you guys so whitewater people where you guys went to college i think your neighbors or your friends um that we hung out with in denver

and then it got real weird and it's been real weird for about two three months i keep seeing something on the corner of my eye um it got real weird and it's been real weird for about two, three months. I keep seeing something on the corner of my eye. So I'm a little concerned before I tell you what I'm seeing, what exactly it is you guys are doing on your Twitter, because I don't open my Twitter, that is making me get these recommendations like, hey, you might like this tweet or you should follow this person. So just before you hear what I'm seeing, start thinking about what you're doing online and how it's affecting my life in a very uncomfortable way.

very uncomfortable way. All I have gotten in the last two and a half months has been pictures of half naked black women and asses the size of Texas. That or nudes. We've gotten one white white woman recently I was surprised because I was telling this story to someone else I'm like wow it's a white woman and the front um which makes sense and it's I mean this was I'll read you the last one I got the last I mean so recommended for you is um just a lady half naked in a profile picture and she goes y'all I'm so sick the next one recommended for you it says and I quote I so wanted to be fucked by a daddy click on the picture there's a video shall I describe the video hmm go to pornhub pick one let's see what was next recommended for you I love getting my ass ate Cody what are you watching online actually I should probably talk

to you too Michael not me Michael Michael, which could also be me, Michael, but a different Michael. Hey, man. What's up? Give me a call. What are you watching? But I'm content this is Cody because she's a little in the head. I've seen some of the TikToks she sent me. Shut up, computer. And she might be clinically insane. We should talk about that too. Nothing makes sense. Nothing. I mean, I have the norm. I think I have a normal TikTok feed and I don't go on it a lot, but it seems pretty normal. Hers makes no sense. The only way it would make sense is if she lived in a standalone trailer. And she was married to her cousin.

Like, there's some weird. Oh, and she rides Harleys. Someone say something. Oh, boy. Should we keep going? Recommended for you. Just a picture, yep,

another large black woman, hey I got nothing against large black women, but why is it only you guys, on my Twitter feed, recommended for you, flavor, what the shit, oh my god,

screenshot that, and so if anyone listens to this, Shit. Oh my God. Screenshot that. And so if anyone listens to this and they want to know what that one is, I will personally text it to you. Because that can't go on the TikTok. If the baby with the beer got taken down, I'm losing my account. Another one. Large ass black woman. No, when I mean large ass, I mean she got a badonkadonk.

And then Pat McAfee. Recommended for you. Still doing $70 meetups. DM me money already. Girl in a Skittles thong. That don't make sense. I did have a Skittles episode but that was i don't even know i love it yep black girl by the pool recommended for you 18 second video hasn't loaded thank god it's in my garage i'm in my garage want to see this from the back nope i don't know but i like it i think you get the point this would have been fun to tell someone else but you know this is all i got today is me

myself and this camera um i swear to god oh 24 minutes that's not bad this is gonna be a short episode recommended for you i don't know that was the honest yeah i'm sorry you got you got roped into this thanks buddy i think you can see kind of see the year of the deer sign congratulations bucks um okay i have two more things recently i at last i mean honestly last time i hung out this long in here is uh what day was it my wisconsinites can help me out um we had a i think it's called the rachel event which was i mean the best way to describe it it's like this storm and it looked like there were just multiple layers of a storm like it looked like eight layers of a storm and it looked like there were just multiple layers of a storm like it looked like eight layers of a storm and they were just ripped through wisconsin they said that's like the first time

they've seen something like this in i mean maybe 20 years maybe not as long but it was it was terrifying and i used to be not serious, but I used to be deathly afraid of storms. I thought every time there was a storm warning on the TV that I was going to die when I was younger. I straight up thought, I'm going to die. Lightning's going to hit my house, or today is going to rip through. I'm going to lose my pets. I'm going to lose my family. I'm going to lose my Xbox, my Game Boy.

We went through everything. I would freak out. Storms, not so much. And then I grew to love storms a little bit at the time. But tornadoes still freaked me out. And so when there was a storm, like a tornado warning or a watch counties away, I would freak out. I'd like hyperventilate there's one time i will never forget this i mean i my family was supposed to have a cookout and my dad has always loved storms and i've put this way i've learned to absolutely love storms even like if i see a tornado warning or a watch usually i mean when i know it's like so far away i'm like this is cool we're gonna have a sick storm tonight i'm gonna sleep like a baby because

i do not sleep well but as a kid there was this storm and my parents supposed to have this grill out cookout with the neighbors and it just started pouring and the sirens go off like the sirens always go off if you're a child listening to this the sirens always go off for a thunderstorm okay there's nothing i mean there's something to be scared of but that's if a tornado you see the tornado but the sirens go off and i'm outside enjoying the rain, and I freak out, and I go into my hallway by the garage in between the bathroom and the closet, because, I mean, you want walls in between, like, surrounding you, but I didn't want to go to the basement and be by myself. I wanted to know I was close to people. I was freaking out that we were going to die. Like I had no spatial or just awareness at all.

Everyone else stayed in that garage, music on, they're eating food. They're washing, I mean, the garage door is like half open like it is right now. I think I just spit all over the microphone. And they just enjoy this room and i'm sitting there hyperventilating like i can't do this i can't do this i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die anyway to make a long story even longer i or this past week i want to say friday or Thursday, we had this derecho event. And I could be saying it wrong. So someone correct me if I'm saying it wrong. It would be like a derecho.

But it's these storms, and we're all sleeping upstairs, and you get that phone alarm. And everyone's went off at the same time. Usually, I think people's go off, and then some people have it on silent mode, and you don't hear it. It just pops up as a text. I mean, full volume. It just, I don't know how they do it,

but your volume's cranked to 10 or 12, and everyone shot up. We're like, what the fuck's going on? I said, Tornado, watch. If you're on these, and it was like, usually they're like, what the fuck's going on? And it said, tornado watch if you're in these. And it was like, usually they're like 19 counties. They tell to watch out. It was like four.

They're like, get into shelter now. And so I had a little flashback. I'm like, shit. I freaked out. And I actually had to sit in this garage for like 30, 40 minutes. Because we turned on the news, like, if you are in heat, like, here, here, and here, which is, like, basically right where we were, um, you're on a tornado warning until, like, 2 45 in the morning, so we sat in our garage for 45, which is, by the way, a bad place to be, we should have been the stairwell, but it was better

than being upstairs by all the windows, but yeah happened recently and that was uh that was kind of cool it was like looking back now it was cool um but at the same time i think i don't know i know one tornado at least touched down and i think they saw it was actually the first time i've ever heard the news be like we're seeing cloud circle like it things are starting to time i've ever heard the news be like we're seeing cloud circle like things are starting to spin i've always you think you always just hear like we could see one possibly come here maybe like it's getting a little crazy or hectic in this area but to actually hear them go watch out for this area we're starting to see clouds spin i mean a part of me was like i kind of want to see it like i think a tornado now would

be so cool to see obviously if you're far enough away you got balls to steal if you're a storm hunter um but part was like holy shit like this is actually real um yeah that might be the most serious not serious update but that happened recently. What else? Why am I asking what else? It's literally on the paper in front of me, and I'm not looking. Okay, yeah. So I had, we'll end it with this kind of.

I had a set, an open mic set last Friday. What was actually kind of cool is that I did not do well at all. It was not a good set for me. I wrote up the jokes this week or that week of, and the only good thing that came out of it was the bartender at the end came up to me and she goes, hey, what's the name? She was so nice. And she said, hey, what's the name of your podcast? And I was like, oh, it's the Fat Chance Podcast fat chance podcast she goes I'm gonna give it a listen and I was like I mean

if I got I mean I got maybe three pity laughs in five minutes and that made my day but she's like is it on Spotify and I was like yeah and just, like, because I was in shock that someone even asked after that set, I was, I should have just been like, it's everywhere, I mean, someone, I mean, go watch it, but, no, this set, I, I told two, two jokes, or two kind of story jokes, and the first one didn't go so well, because apparently you can't joke about gender pronouns in Milwaukee. You can. You probably just have to do it a little better than I did. But, yeah, that crowd got real quiet real quick. But during the middle of that joke, I saw – so actually before I went on, I surveyed the crowd a bit.

Because I'm still new and I'm still a little nervous doing it. And I'm trying to think of ways to have – just like I can interact with the audience. And there's this guy who looks like he's in the show Outer Banks. And by looks like in the show he's in Outer Banks, I've never seen the show, not one episode, not one second of it. I've seen, like, when it comes across, like, what you should watch on Netflix and maybe a small clip or repost on Snapchat from the girls that are obsessing over what's his nuts and what's her

nuts um and i'm sure you too if i know you're listening um whoever you guys are um sure you guys are great people but i mean people are obsessed over you but i've seen enough of that that i know what it is i mean this man looks so outer banks I knew he looked outer banks I'm talking like the whitewashed or like I don't know what the term is you I don't know fashion people but um those kind of jeans the high top converse he had a fucking bandana around his neck no one dresses like that in milwaukee no one and the hair was the long curly hair like perfectly parted i'm like dude and so in the middle of it i called him outer banks i was like if i just weird context but like if i gave outer banks a burrito here and i told him to guess what's inside and

it sounds like a really dumb joke but um i think it gets better but i said that finish the set and the man didn't smile for like the next four people which i thought was kind of hysterical because he was laughing up until i went on like like even giggling. That man didn't move his head. He didn't smile. It was kind of fun. That and the bartender, um, I didn't catch your name, but if you actually listened to another episode, thank you. That was really cool. Um, but yeah, those are the only two good things about that set, that was so bad, and then I told a joke about my penis, which, I mean, you'll have to come to a show to hear that one, it's literally, I mean, it kind of mentioned the blur, which, by the way, that blur can never happen again,

I'm afraid to, I have other funny videos from that episode, I'm like, I just don't want to hear about my spotted cow penis anymore. But yeah, I told the also to my friends. I told the reason why I say I have a micro penis. That got a laugh. That was good. That might be the best part I got. But, you know, you win some, you lose some, right? They're not all winners.

They're not all winners. I'm surprised I've been talking for 35 straight minutes by myself. Oh, kind of, not really. I'll wrap it up here. Two things. Our t-shirt designs finally came in. So if anyone ever actually wants to buy a t-shirt from us, I think those are going to be available soon.

So to my athletes, Joey and Jake, get ready because there will be some cool stuff coming your way, especially if Sam's buddy gets the final design done. But 95% of it is done. And I think we'll wrap it up with, I should ask myself, what do I want to do before I turn 26, right? That's only fair. And to be honest, I just thought to do this, so bear with me while I think a bit, because there's plenty I want to do.

do this so bear with me while i think a bit because there's plenty i want to do um but i think there's plenty i expect myself to do but i have to have reasonable expectations because not everything happens at the time frame you want it to um i am no stranger to that um because i've been saying when people i ask people for other episodes that I want to make sure I have. And I can tell I'm taking this seriously. I'm doing this by myself now, which is so fucking weird. It's half not even looking at the camera, half staring right into it. I can't even tell. I'm the little figure on the screen right now.

I think in terms of the show I think it'd be cool to make this big enough that I could have someone here with me at all times and help me with the production process because it is time consuming as hell and obviously I don't want to miss a week up through New Years and if there's some weird reason I do I better double, triple down the next week

the stand-up one will stay the same that's got to happen once or twice a week and again something comes up double down because things happen but i think the big one now is and i've said this for so many for the last two years and i've tried so hard and a lot of the timing hasn't worked out and the pandemic didn't help but i want to move i kind of i'm gonna steal sammy boys a bit but i not so much a home but i want more of my own home i'm sick of being here i'm so appreciative of what i've had here and what i've been given here i mean i it's as a garage but i love this set it's so cool this will be with me for the rest of my life um but i kind of want to start building my own space instead of modifying someone else's. So, yeah, I got to move.

And to be honest, I want to do that in the next month, not in the next year, but, you know, manage your expectations, I guess. That's 38 minutes of me rambling. I hope I don't have to cut anything out because I'm running out of time to edit before my release date uh plenty more episodes or people to come i have a lot more on deck this was just a weird week and poor planning um i think i well i know i prioritized um stuff like

some of my best friends engagements so well worth it get one of these under my belt because you know what i guarantee you i'm gonna have to do more because every once in a while i get lazy all right welcome to boomtown