Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.50 - Jake Heilmann

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

we moved, i got a new job, jake tore his acl

No, but that's fucking loud. In three, two, one. Am I even in the camera? Well, glad to see you haven't learned anything in the last two weeks. Talking to yours. Oh, good. So Jake is going to chew on... Bobcorn and Raisin Bats.

Oh, welcome to our new apartment. We're eating This is gonna be Maybe the dumbest We're slowly gonna transition this Podcast to a cooking show Yeah As you can see we're in the kitchen But we can't show you the kitchen

Because It's so fucking dark The lighting Cheeks Butt It's okay Our kitchen looks like something out of Ikea. Like straight up.

In a good way. Not cheap. With like a Japanese influence. You don't have to put stuff together. Like two of the whitest guys you know on our like wooden shelves have a wok and a bottle of sake. It looks good. It looks great. We haven't touched either one of them yet. We haven't used it yet, but we will. Do the raisinets in here? I'm telling you. Is it looks great we haven't touched either one of them yet but we will do the raisin

nets in here i'm telling you is it not great yeah raisin nets and popcorn underrated snack they would taste better if i didn't already eat half the box oh yeah we talked about raisin nets on one episode so oh it's the pocket skittle episode i thought he had raisinets that was my go-to thing like of all the things someone who's like i think he's like 22 i was like you got raisinets in your pocket um no this episode is going to be dedicated to us filling out what's wrong with our apartment so which uh will be kind of interesting because we are the first tenants in here so but there's plenty of stuff like we took the door handle off one of our cabinets already we didn't take it off we didn't take it off yeah just came undone

um i do want to start with one um should we go room by room you know what you want to start with sure well you want to start with one so you get to start Actually let's do like some group ones Also we got charged a full month for internet already And we've only been here for three days I also want to curb stomp the people who do parking for us Because it's the worst Our parking is a block and a half away Which probably is like a dream to some people.

But you know what? We're bougie. You knew what we signed up for. That wasn't one of the good things. Dwelling unit description. What the fuck is that? Apartment. Why is it called a dwelling? We 512 correct yeah all right i'm not gonna do any of that um the kitchen um walls and ceiling how do the walls and ceiling look jake

they're pretty good i think i'm gonna give it a should i give it like a check plus should we just rate it like nine out of ten nine point five a yeah a plus nine point five out of ten stove outside and hood oh the outside of the stove and the hood of it i don't think we're supposed to rank it well i'm gonna give it a rank they're like what does a five out of ten mean like well i don't know what's broken if there's something wrong i'll put whatever in there Well, I'm going to give it a ranking. They're like, what does a five out of ten mean? I don't know what's broken or not. If there's something wrong, I'll put whatever in there. Also, they don't give you a lot of space to fill out what's fucking wrong with it.

I think you would put a broken handle or whatever. Do you know when I moved into James, the hood or outside of the oven uh i pulled it off and the whole door came off when i moved in oh my god i called the maintenance guy instantly also our sink backed up was like hey man the apartment doesn't work will be the first sentence in there no someone already lived there already like we moved into other people's place i was like do you guys ever cook they're like no not really i'm like all right um so stove outside and hood besides the egg stain you already got on there it doesn't come off spilt it i didn't know i think we're pretty good 9.5 out of 10 i'm not giving anything a perfect i think we should just put what's wrong. I think we're screwing this up.

Non-applicable for the inside. Refrigerator outside. It's got some smudges, but I think that's from us already. Yeah, it's fine. I thought that little thing was a dead-end. No, that's part of it. Yeah. This is going to be a fun episode.

Should we just fill out to move out inspection now too yeah it's even better it's a 10 out of 10 um i think the kitchen's basically fine the countertop cupboards lower upper and lower level did you do the i'll do loose handles yeah okay so this isn't as fun the kitchen one i apologize but the rest is basically fine um dishwasher smells This isn't as fun, the kitchen one. I apologize, but the rest is basically fine. Dishwasher smells. Sorry, the inside smells, not the outside. Sinking. Dude, this is great water pressure.

It's very smooth. I like it a lot. I haven't tried the water yet. My other plays, like if you had the water. You might die. Yeah. I love that if you, we could show you. I mean, we've done two episodes from your apartment. It was just like a blank white canvas.

Yeah. If people saw the rest of your apartment and then saw this one and then found out you were paying less here, they'd be like, you are full-blown stupid. Yeah. But also because you have a roommate, it's cheaper. Let's talk the – And the location was better. It goes kitchen to bathroom. Are you technically bathroom one, you think?

Yeah, we could probably label it. Yeah, hallway, bathroom. You know what? Let's just go to where it's, I think, entertaining. Let's just go to all the problems. We don't need to do the non-problems. How about the permanent footprints on our floor? Yeah, there's like two huge white boot prints.

And I tried scrubbing at it for a while. I was like, this is definitely paint. How does that happen? If it's paint, it could come off. I mean, that is like someone put the imprint there, then filled it back in with cement, like white cement. That's not even a thing. Yeah. We could become detectives, try to figure out what kind

of shoe it is it's a boot the blue collar worker who does not give a fuck that there's a boot print in our apartment i mean it could have been like i don't know it's a loft style apartment so like the ceiling is technically done but not done um and so there's like but why metal the at&t guy was like yeah your wi-fi might not work because you got metal shielding oh mine doesn't work i have to go off the wi-fi to use it in my room it's not great like i have to upload this episode tonight out here um but no there's like writing on the ceiling too like we're like hey this is pipe c3 it's section d760 literally reading this word for word right now. Yeah, that one says get out.

My favorite one is, so like, when your parents, the difference between when my parents visited versus your parents is your mom came in. By the way, your parents came in when it was basically put together. So your mom's like, oh my God, this looks amazing. And it was like, had basically a hard-on for the apartment well they didn't help me move me yeah my parents they didn't hate me yeah my parents oh that's another one um my parents came in and right away they're like oh this is nice it's a little smaller than the video we saw and then we're like let's find what's wrong first people people, and I'm like, there should be nothing wrong. My mom comes out, and she goes, I just used the bathroom,

and it looks like someone already shit in the toilet. I'm like, well, Mom, we're the first people in here, and you're the only one that's used the bathroom, so it's you. She goes, well, unless I shit when I pee. I was like, okay, thank you. You dropped some popcorn. I know. I'm not going to pick it up. It's going to take me a while to get it.

But this was the show apartment, correct? Yes. This was on the stage, and people were walking through. So maybe someone – Who's like, can I see it? I want to test out the toilet. See if I can blow the back out of it. There's like 12 more apartments to see.

I got to go now. Any more Raisinets at the bottom of this? I mean, if it was a staged one, there was probably toilet paper. It was probably the only one with toilet paper on it. We could look at the video if there was toilet paper in there. But yeah, apparently I had shit stains in my toilet, which was great.

So put it on the thing. Shit stains in toilet? Yeah. Appeared to be used. I'm putting definitely used. What is it? What's it? Skid marks? Dude, there isn't even an option for toilet.

Wait. This says we have bathroom one, bathroom two. We don't have toilets. And half bath. Do we have an extra bathroom we don't know about? They just give this to everybody. I know. But there is no option for toilet. I'm going to add that into

toilet here. Definitely Why am I not spelling? Is that definitely? Definitely. Definitely not definitely. Is it not? Definitely? Definitely not definitely. Is it not? Definitely. I don't know how to spell.

Used. My penmanship is some shit right now. On the half bathroom, we do not have. Dining room? Who has a dining room in one of these? Technically, our dining table is over there.

Living room. Floor. Boot prints. Two white boot prints. There were a few other things. Technically, there is a nail on the wall. Nails everywhere. wall uh nails everywhere uh there's paint on my walk-in closet handle this isn't as fun as i thought it would be also the fans in our bathrooms don't work oh yeah we have it fogs up actually

mine doesn't fog up that oh mine fogs up instantly mine's a little i have to not only does it fog up i take like a washcloth and kind of wipe it off it's still you still can't see so i gotta use my hair dryer i just open the door do you think we should have to do that we need to make this a little more interesting there was something else i wanted to talk about um oh the fact that I wanted to kill the people at our parking structure. That's nice. You know what's really – It's funny because I've been having great luck. Yeah, you're the one that bitched about it the most in the beginning.

Like, we need to find new parking. And I'm the one that has – you just spit everywhere. I'm the one that's run into every box game. The first time you called me just angry. I'm the one that's run into every box game. The first time you called me just angry. I'm like, what's going on? You're like, I think I just had to park on the roof. I didn't think I would have to go higher. I'm like, oh, I parked right next to the door.

I was so – oh, now I'm pretty close. Although the higher I go, I feel a little safer because I don't think criminals want to be physically active. It's hard enough to break into a car. criminals want to like be physically active it's hard enough to break into a car um but no today they literally like i get there and i'm like all right two people um are trying to get in i see the $15 for parking i'm like fuck this i'm like okay bucks game and then they back out one person because it's not working and i gave them enough space they backed out and they looked so confused the dad was with his son just looked embarrassed as fuck i'm like your son has no fucking clue what's going on and the guy in front of me fucking i mean you know the type giant red

truck way too tight like t-shirt that's got palm trees on it like it's like a 23 year old blue colored dude who still dresses like he's in high school it's not a good look the kid pissed me off a lot and he was just sitting there like i don't know what to do with my card i'm like i am gonna run my car to the back of your truck i don't care if it goes right underneath but i'm pissed and then by this time 10 more cars have piled up behind us and instead of just because the card reader wasn't working so i'm just letting the gate open and be like hey just go around the exit because the exit was working they're like nope i need all 10 to 12 cars to back up now so we had to orchestrate that after

we all backed up they just let the truck in i was like are you fucking kidding me this is right after work so this is right i'm pissed i just want to go home i'm trying to eat and go do stand-up and i've now just omitted stand-up tonight for this which is great we're 12 minutes in this is so fun um and we're just talking about what everything is wrong with this apartment there are other things like there are paint chips places there are holes in the wall Um What the holes Oh we should do holes in the cabinets

Where they didn't drill correctly Yep They did fill them in kinda No they didn't They filled them in But it's like Where are the cabinets Holes In Cabin By the way if you have anything holes

in cabinet by the way if you have anything to contribute to this instead of me rambling I could have done this by fucking self

I did I sent the paint on my thing I know I meant the episode asshole oh well

hmm you know for all the cooking stuff we brought Which is A lot We have enough cooking stuff I think it would take a normal guy Our age You're just a normal guy in his 20s

His entire 20s To accumulate the stuff we have We have done like Barely any cooking Most of it is yours though Yeah I know I'm kind of obsessed But

I'm not complaining all i've done is meal prep the salt pepper thing i think is the greatest thing in the world i think you should tell the world that one because holy fuck is it not that saved me so much time well you don't have to do the twist and stuff so basically you get a deli container and this isn't my idea either i got this from someone else um but i just got like a giant deli container you know if you put like matzo ball soup in it to get kind of racist about it um if you meatballs soup container a big soup container yeah um and you just fill it with salt and pepper mix it together what you think would be like a good mixture and what you put like every every recipe says salt

and pepper salt and pepper so might as well just be able to put your fingers in and just do a pinch and you're done instead of having to where's the salt yeah there's a pepper and then you don't think it's enough i think it's easier to feel it in your hands like all right i want this much when you do like three twists you're like i don't know how much that is. Yeah. Agreed. And then sometimes you do too much. No. That was – that's an awesome. It's great. Yeah.

It's phenomenal. Sometimes you have a little garlic powder in there. Because, I mean, I like garlic with everything. So you just put a little tad in there. And then if you really want it garlicky, then you add the garlic powder. But I think as we progress, we'll end up doing more things. Like we already got the Cholula Squirt Bottle. We got to fill – or we're going to make ranch.

We're getting real domestic here. I have no plan Saturday night. Like, I honestly feel like I'm 42. You're going to open up a restaurant out of here. You're going to come back. Actually, no, because I get back from work later than you know. Yeah. Which stinks.

You're going to wake up, and I'm going to be, like, prepping food. Like, we're doing tacos today. Like, you walk out, there's a line outside the door. We're going to wake up and I'm going to be prepping food. We're doing tacos today. You walk out, there's a line outside the door. We're doing burritos. That would be cool. What? Do you want to just make a restaurant out of here? Imagine you leave for a weekend and come back and there's dining tables everywhere.

Your couch is in your room. What'd you do, Michael? Like, I have fucking servers and like a dishcloth and all this shit. I played restaurant this weekend. What are we going to put on the walls? We're going to definitely the picture wall. Do you want to do it three by three or do you want to do

four by four? I don't know. I was already looking at like like concert like old concert posters. What if we just say

fuck the security deposit and we let someone paint a mirror on the back wall? Do you know how cool that would be? It was only 500 bucks. Not even a full month rent.

Yeah. I mean that's a quarter month rent. Well, now you know how much we pay for rent here. It'd be pretty cool. It would. What colors would you like? Black and white? I would almost want maybe like graffiti.

Yeah. Not too graffiti. Not like tagging on the side of a train. We're kind of white. like tagging on the side of a train. We're kind of white. I actually really looking around like we could put this in an Ikea, this whole apartment.

And the only thing Ikea is this trusty old island. I think I was in an Ikea once. I think I was. I've been in twice. In middle school. I got lost last time I was. I've been in twice. In middle school. I got lost last time I went. Like this most recent time. Yeah, because you got to take pictures. Basically, because they're not just like, everything's in the warehouse.

So you take pictures of where it's located on the thing. And you get to the warehouse. It's like, all right, aisle 400, section Z. Aisle 10,654. Like 19 up. Like, go get your forklift license as you're getting through there and um i forgot to take a picture of this one um that had the bar and i was like where the fuck is this and so i but i had a picture of this without the bar and so we we want one with like a bar up here and i'm like i looked at my mom, I got to go back and figure out where it is. It didn't click that the one with the bar is probably next to the one without the bar.

But I legit got lost. Like I was like, Oh, I'll find my way. And then I was just, I was doing circles. I don't know where the fuck I am. They got a cafeteria in there.

I was just about to ask. Huge. Yeah. Do they sell like anything cool or is it like anything cool? They're known for the Swedish meatballs. They're not great. We got a frozen version of them a long time ago. Yeah.

Are you Swedish? You look Swedish. Norwegian. I don't know if I am Swedish. I'm Swedish. I'm white. Very, very white. Norwegian, German. I got a new job. Should we tell them that?

Yeah, you could tell. We've had good life updates. I had my first comedy show. I got a new job. We moved into the apartment. I tore my ACL. Jake tore his ACL. So everything's on the up and up for me.

And Jake is giving his way to surgery here soon. I'm slowly on the up and up. You're about to be on the couch and couch for me and jake is giving his way to start here soon i'm slowly on the up and up you're about to be on the couch and couch for a while yeah yeah yeah we can talk about your new job um yeah i got a job on accident easiest interview i've ever had um lost my debit card i can't you know this is a podcast story now because i can't turn it into a joke i'm fucking terrible at it um Lost my debit card. Instead of ordering a new one, or instead of going to get it,

I ordered a new one. It was attached to my gym membership. The owner, if this dog doesn't shut the fuck up. I don't think they can hear it. I can hear it, though. It's distracting the hell out of me. Don't think about it. I'm sorry.

I can't. I think it was just. Grr. Grr. So, yeah, I go in to give him my new information with my new card. And he looks at me and goes, where else do you train? I was like, nowhere. He goes, you sure?

I go, why would I have two gym memberships? I didn't tell him that, but I was like, yeah, no, only here. And he goes, okay, cool. I'm looking for a manager. I was like, yeah, no, only here. And he goes, okay, cool. I'm looking for a manager. I was like, all right. And then he just kept looking at me. And honest to God, I was like, are you basically, are you talking to me? He goes, yeah, you seem responsible enough.

And like me trying to make it into a joke is like legitimately this is the third time this year I've changed my credit card information there. I probably at that gym alone, just that one, not the one I worked out before it um I've changed it five six times I rear-ended a snowplow leaving their parking lot um that's 100 true and shut it so they he I'd like I thought about it for like two days, and oh, my God. I thought about it for two days. I came back. I was like, all right, what's the deal with this manager thing? He goes, I just need you here for so many hours a week, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, that's a job. Yeah. I was like, okay. Like, what do I have to do? I basically just sign people up. I'm like, okay, well, I have like the days free, and then do stand-up at night. Yeah. Perfect. He goes, do you want to train too and lawrence if you're watching this ever um thank you but this was a bad idea in terms of like i

think legality um because i have no experience training people i go do i need anything else no i've seen you work out enough i don't know if you need it though like not to cut in but like i teach ski lessons like you can get certified as a ski instructor and you go up through levels like i've never done that that's fine i teach kids how to ski like all too you know what also is at the ski hill but you know what's at the ski hill ski patrol and actually like paramedic kind of people true i have a red panic button on the wall item not cpr trained nothing oh okay yeah um you should probably just do that yeah to cover yourself because when someone does have a situation well no we also have four necklaces that basically

have like life alert on them so i'll just throw the necklace out i'm like hey just hit the button they'll come i'm gonna go hide in the office. Go fall down, fall down. Um, help their legs. Someone else has fallen and I am not getting them out. Uh, but yeah, so I'm now a full-time athletic trainer and manager. And then,

uh, I got my first client and Steve, if you're listening to this, dude, you're awesome. But Steve got my information from a man named cory cory i don't know he's like he referred me to you i was like okay um what do you want and now i think i'm pretty good at lying through my teeth and i was like oh i could help you out like what

are you looking for i literally just assumed the role of athletic trainer recently. And, like, some lady came in today. She's like, yeah, I used to train here doing this. I'm like, oh, if you do this, this. And I'm like, I am talking through my ass. But Steve, I called him. He's like, yeah, I'm going on a hunt in a month. I want to, like, lose some weight and improve my cardiovascular fitness.

What kind of hunt, Steve? He's hunting water buffalo in Argentina. Interesting. Someone said they might be endangered. Not cool. For legal purposes, he's hunting ducks in Colorado. He wants to lose some weight and prove his like cardio fitness and so the whole day i just googled basically how to make old man run and not kill someone and what walked into my

office is a man with one fucking leg so my first client has some limitations we could say but uh yeah first day of training he oh i didn't i haven't told you this yet but yeah you know the first day of training he just lost his leg it fell off um at the very end which was i don't know how to tell someone like hey man your leg's gone um and then today during a back exercise he shattered the clip on his leg so his leg was twisted sideways and because he didn't have a new piece he just did the rest of his workout with his leg cocked 90 degrees i was like well do you think we could do the bike and he's like nope it just hits the thing every time. I'm like, oh, fuck me.

So I had to like wedge his shoe into like the straps of the rowing machine. I'm like, I'll wedge it out when we're done. But you got to get some cardio in, big man. He goes, all right, thanks for helping me. I'm going to go sit in the sauna for 45 minutes. Is he like a serious guy or like a funny guy? No, he's super cool. He's just laid back he because

obviously i keep like i'm like hey first week i'm just getting to know like you like your limitations in reality like translations like first week i'm trying to figure out what the fuck i'm doing did you ever bring it up because i know he didn't bring it up when you applied but when you came in the first yeah yeah he's like as you can see i go yeah i figured i should ask about that didn't know how um but yeah so he's really cool like today i had uh i trained him during the busiest hour of the day like five to six when people were getting off work so i had like two people come in like i'm we're looking for like tours and memberships we're looking for michael yeah i'm like oh fuck and like not to be like selfish, like, tours and memberships. We're looking for Michael. Yeah. I'm like, oh, fuck.

And, like, not to be, like, selfish, but, like, I don't want them to hire any trainers yet because I would like to build mine before I'm, like, already, like. Until you got too many. Get all the good ones. Exactly. Exactly. And so he's cool enough that I. Thank you, refrigerator. You're welcome.

I can be like, hey, this is where you're – I'll just show them the super set we're doing, the two exercises. I'm like, you're doing three sets, do ten reps of each of these. I'm going to go give these guys a quick tour real quick. I'll stop by, see how you're doing real quick, and then I'll be back in a sec. And then I'll go get – Be back real quick. And, dude, some people are just dumb like the guys today um there's a couple that came in and like the girl was grasping it but her boyfriend

wasn't and so like there's like a 24 month contract and a 12 month contract you sign and he goes so like straightforward exactly he's like so what's the deal with the contract and i was like okay so you can either sign 24 12 months you sign for 24 months it's a cheaper monthly price 12 months a little more six months paid blah blah yeah you're locked in um he goes okay but how does that work i go so there's a 24 month contract there's a 12 month contract if you sign a 24 month contract contract, it's this much money. If you sign a 12-month contract, it's this money. He goes, okay. But, like, I don't understand the pricing.

I'm like, so you signed a 24-month contract. It's $37. You signed a 12-month contract. It's $41. He goes, okay. Now, is that monthly? I'm like, oh, my God. I go, do you think for 24 months I'm just going to charge you $37 to work out here

He goes but like do I get charged all the time like dude you could come here a thousand times you come here zero times every month the $41 and 95 cents are coming out of your account. He goes so that's every month. I'm like And the girlfriend is like yes, yes, I'm like, finally I go, hey, guys, I have a client here now. Would you like to just try the gym out tomorrow and then see if it's a good fit and then we can sign you up if you like it? They're like, I think that'd be a good idea. But would I need to pay the monthly membership now?

I'm like, dude, I'm going to shove this monthly membership up your ass you're like just please go somewhere else i don't want you touching any of my gym i don't even want your sale right now no i don't want to deal with you i don't want to talk with you every time you come work out now i was like oh okay and finally they're like i think that'd be a good idea would i be able to come in tomorrow and try it i'm like dude we're not doing this with another thing right now okay come in tomorrow between noon and six if i'm here i'll I'll let you in. If I'm in a good mood, you can work out. If I'm in a bad mood and you ask me another question, I will beat you with a dumbbell. He's like, I like this. Steve's going

on a hunt. He has a lot of guns. I'll ask him to bring one in. Oh my God, they're just dumb. And then I told you today too, I helped a lady Use YouTube I didn't think that was In the job description You sound more like A babysitter Or just a teacher

I guess you are What was it? You know someone's old When they call like The YouTube Yeah So I'm searching The YouTube

And I'm like oh fuck my dad did that once too i teach my dad how to use bluetooth last summer the bluetooth the bluetooth well he said bluetooth he knew what and he goes so then it just like plays in my headphones i'm like like this technology came out in like 1999, 1999. Okay? I was three. This isn't something that, like, I mean, wow, yes. I don't know if it was 99, dude. I think it was later than 99.

Google it on your phone. I bet you it's closer to 99 than you think. I bet it's past 99. Like, later? Or, like, 2000s? Like, 2000s. People have, like 2000s? Like 2000s. People have like Walkmans. But if it's within two years in 99,

I'd be impressed that I got that. I'm always impressed when Google knows what you're like. You just type in what? Yeah. No, they listen to you. I think other people are asking the same shit when did bluetooth come out wow what i stand corrected what is it it's may 7th 1998

but that doesn't seem here's the thing i googled it a while ago because I was going to make it into a bit, and I thought it was in the 90s because it surprised me. It was invented back in 94. But the first Bluetooth phone didn't hit shelves until 2001. Yeah. Hmm. So I guess it kind of, whatever. Now you all know.

Yeah. Well, that's fun. We are at our 30 minutes. That's fun. Bluetooth, 94, not out until 98. Phone, 2001, something like that. I don't know. What else?

What's your favorite part about this apartment? Michael. Shut up. The fact that I'm not home. Although I very much appreciated my time at home. I really did appreciate my time at home. Pretty much everything versus my other place. It has water.

Is there anything at the other apartment that was better than this apartment? It has a stove that works that I don't think is going to blow up the entire apartment building when I turn it on. It's still clean. The fridge closes kind of. No, it doesn't. I'm used to a heavy door at back home that it's just like you touch it and it'll close and you hear it and so i gotta get used to this it doesn't have centipedes that's cool oh creepy crawlies is there anything at the old apartment you're like this is better Anything

Your neighbors They were quiet They were quiet Oh I mean the light The light there was sweet It faced south There was a little bit of a view of the lake There was always light coming in

Like perfectly It was light Like the walls were brighter it was just that was good that's about it i mean the bathroom was horrible yeah it was connected your water pressure though and water pressure was good there phenomenal oh my god i mean that thing you can wash your head and within like three seconds. You don't even need soap. I mean, it would take the paint off a car.

That thing was hard. In a good way, though. In a good way. Yeah, the water pressure. It was wide, too. It wasn't like just a jet stream. It wasn't like a power washer. Yeah, that was nice.

The two times I think I showered there, it was like this. Every time I got out, I was like, this is nice. That's about it, though, cleaning it. I thought it was weird that your bathroom had a window in the shower. I purposely left it open just to give someone a little show if they wanted it ever. I thought that was weird. Just make life a little fun.

That's an interesting. Except there was a curtain, and it would fog up so yeah you could kind of see some little shadow oh he's up there again but still like imagine if you like had the the shower curtain open the curtain for the window open you're just like changing in there yeah just fully dick out i mean who else like who's specifically looking at the sixth floor of that building? I don't know, but they put in that hotel right next door. Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw people over there. They saw me, too. Weird. Very weird. Very weird.

But I'm glad to have a freaking washing machine, too. That got old going downstairs. There's one machine that, I mean, it always cost $1. buck 50 there's one you put in a quarter it would just work and i figured that out early and so i would only use that one and now yeah i think other people figured out too though so that was a bitch i do my laundry like fucking dude i uh i was thinking about like laundry because i so when i lived in miami uh sam and i had money cards um to do laundry yeah and so like every wash if you did laundry it cost you 375 to wash and then dry like total and i was like i didn't because i was so broke then i was like i'm gonna wait to do i would reuse like my cutoffs for like working out and stuff like that

um it was gross but like I didn't want to do it and so like it was kind of in my head here when we moved in I was like I'm gonna like use up all my laundry then do like one load yeah because it's gonna cost me money yet I just I bought the laundry detergent for $6, and it has 24 loads. I was like, oh, I don't need to be stingy with laundry. Clean your clothes when they're fucking dirty. I mean, you got to pay for water, but yeah. Yeah, but I think doing— I think it's minimal.

Didn't they say it was like— It's like $10 a month. Or every three months, I think. Yeah, it's nothing. Yeah. So, I don't know. It's just—I would literally— like, I had that in my head. It's like,

just wait to do laundry. Just wait to do it. It's like, no, if I need something clean, just do it. Because it's going to cost, it's way cheaper to do laundry

now than it is costing three to four dollars. Four dollars to do your laundry. I mean, I guess if people are in New York, you're paying $20 to do laundry or something like that. You got to walk,

like, and you got to walk with it. And yeah, to be honest, go fuck yourself in new york um no i'm just kidding it'd be fun to perform there i like you new york i couldn't live there we thought about it for a while didn't we almost did it yeah that was pre everything neither one of us had jobs yeah we're just like let's just move to the most expensive city in the country. Yeah, that's fine. We'll figure it out.

I bet you we would have figured it out. Like, you would have gotten a job. I would be, like, the leader of the homeless. The leader of the homeless? I don't think so. I would be the leader of the homeless. Those guys are crazy. I would be, like of the homeless. Those guys are crazy. I would be like a subway performer.

100%. I'd have the drums and the sticks. I'd try and tell jokes. I'd just get my ass handed to me by a guy in a rat costume carrying a piece of pizza or something. Have you seen that video? I don't think so. There's a guy. No one bats an eye. no one bats an eye no one bats an eye who is dressed as a rat and he has this giant like stuffed animal like slice of pizza and he has it in his mouth

and he is pretending to be a rat and carry it up the stairs to the subway no one fucking cares no yeah they're like we see you don't give a shit about anybody if someone did that here we would have put a bullet in them like hey we're gonna take them out back and put you down they've been locked up for sure you gotta follow do you follow subway creatures on instagram oh my god i should that's oh my god it's just like the craziest shit that happens on the subway just in new york there's this guy that's just like tweaking shit that happens on the subway. Just in New York? There's this guy that's just tweaking out. He has a backpack on.

It's like a Dora backpack. It looks like it's filled with 50 pounds of rocks. And he is spinning around at Mach 5 so fast with his arms out. And he just spins around on the train, and then he goes off the tracks, and he's just on the main platform, spins around, gets back on, spins around again. It's bizarre. You've got to watch it. I haven't had any, like,

I've never been to New York, so I haven't had the subway experience. The only weird train experience I've had is when you and I left Denver. Oh, Jesus. They were so high, they robbed the train backwards. Everyone, wake the fuck up! And then they got off the train.

Like, what? I was scared. Wait, also, you and I were, like, slumped. It was, like, five in the morning. No, it was, like, four. Dude, it was earlier. So we're both just, like, sleeping there. I'm probably drooling. Like, this was like four. Dude, it was earlier. So we're both just like sleeping there. I'm probably drooling.

This guy gets on. Wake the fuck up! We both just shoot up. Holy fuck, my heart's racing. I don't know what you... I was scared. I was like... One of those screams where it's usually followed by bang, ba-bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Get on the ground. We're here to rob the bank and they they were like three feet in front of us oh they just got they just rode their bikes off before i could even like wipe my eyes open though they were they got off the train they got off the train i'm like what happened but that wasn't the end no because fucking flava flav of power tools was on the train too which the guys that we're fine they got off the train but we let the guy who had a grinder and a fucking grinder and a hatchet around his neck like it was jewelry it just like a full-on fucking weapon and an axe and he stood

up and the security guard was finally like, whoa, whoa, whoa, man. You need to get off the train first. We're like, he should have never been let on the train, dude. And why are we letting him just go? And why is he bringing an axe to the airport? We literally got to the airport. He just went. I'm like, we got to watch for what terminal he goes to because I'm not getting on that plane.

The man just disappeared. I was like, you better be working here. Actually, I hope you don't work here because that's not how you go to work. You bring your power tools in a case, not around your neck. Yeah, Denver. Denver is fun. Last time when I went through, tore my ACL. I got the full treatment.

I got to go. I had to wait like the wheelchair thing before you go in signed up and then this guy wheeled me to my gate and i swear to god it was the farthest gate at at denver the whole time like hey man i'm man, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It was like 98B or some shit. It was so far. Like you get to the end of the terminal and then you got to go right. And then you got to go down an elevator. And then there's another mini terminal. I didn't know that it even, that was even there.

So like the Illuminati section, the part where like no one even knows exists. But the best part, I have a freaking leg brace on And I go through I go through the metal detector Oh it goes off Oh shit No shit And they're like Can you go through again I'm like

Are you serious right now I'm literally wearing A brace of metal Go through again He's like Alright we gotta check We gotta pat it down They had like wipes

They had to wipe it down It was bizarre. He was training someone. Thank God I got there early. Like, they were taking their sweet-ass time. Then the best part is I'm, like, getting my stuff together. I, like, limp over to my wheelchair to get back in it. And then a TSA guy comes up to me.

He's like, is this your laptop? Meanwhile, I didn't unload any of my stuff. The guy I was with put it all on the thing. He's like, you got to take out your laptop next time. I'm like, what the? This is... It's a lot. It's too much.

Oh, I got flagged for toothpaste again, too. Really? Yeah, you really need to get some travel-sized toothpaste. That's the biggest bullshit. No, I do have it, but I bring half a tube, so it's not even the full thing. Yeah. Dude, I've gotten away with a lot of shit, though, too. It's happened so often.

Whenever I get flagged, I'm just like, it's a toothpaste. It's in the thing. It's in the middle. Just open it up and take, like, no and a no. I don't want it. Just throw it away. You don't have to save it for me when I come back. I'll use Conner's when I get to his apartment.

Why do they even ask that? Like, what do you want us to do with this? I learned that, like, when I used to bring, you know, that Fox Point seasoning we have here now? Yeah. By the way, how is it having seasoning outside of Lowry's garlic pepper or garlic powder or salt and pepper? Salt and pepper.

And I thought there was one more. Like, we have pretty sad. We have black garlic, truffle salt. We got everything. Everything. It's awesome. So, I got a got a i was for a while addicted to the pennsy's fox point and i think i've said this on here too but um and i

got sam hooked on it too when i was in miami it was a jar that was like somewhere in between these two bowls and it's green so it looks like i'm bringing a jar which is openly at the top my bag is just a jar of weed and they'll be like what's this i'm like well it's sealed it says pennsy's fox point seasoning take a guess and like we have to check it i'm like okay how are you gonna check this for weed they go out back they smoke it didn't get outside and they go oh we don't check that it's weed i'm like really goes like what are you checking for that who goes we don't check that it's weed. I'm like, really? He goes, what are you checking it for? He goes, we want to know if it explodes.

I'm like, so I could just have a bag? He goes, probably. I'm like, what the fuck? They literally checked my spices to see if they exploded. What was the facts, too? It's like, for the stats, it's like 98% of shit gets through TSA anyway. What are they even doing there? I think it's like 98% of shit gets through TSA anyway. Oh, yeah. What are they even doing there?

I think it's like a scare tactic. Oh. I think for the people who are on the fence of committing a crime are like, oh, my God, they're checking bags. I might as well just not do this or throw it away. But I think for those of you that are committed, probably work out. No, probably not.

Because those of you who are committed are usually the dumbest ones like the dumbest criminals speaking of planes you know every time you have spoken about planes in your podcast or it's never a good story no i've you it's always about oh like you ever think the plane's ever gonna go down like this could be your last time like oh yeah everyone thinks that every time you bring that up i'm listening on a plane like that's when i was like oh perfect time to listen to the podcast every time it's like oh don't listen to this one well you're not traveling anytime soon no uh one of you is probably listening to this on a flight right now and you know what man 30 000 feet is a long way down. And you won't make it. Okay?

You won't make it. If the wing goes, you go. Goodbye. You know the best place to sit, though, is towards the, not the back, but towards the back. Like middle back? Towards the back and actually in an aisle seat, not by a window. Because you have a better shot at getting out. I mean, yeah, but if you go also surprisingly

skinny fit guys are the most likely to survive really good they can get out yeah well not if you're sitting next to two fat alberts and you're like a fucking sandwich it's the worst i mean oh i hate like the idea of flying since i was a, when I get to an airport, I'm so excited. I like getting there. I like early morning flights because it means I get the whole day there, too. I feel like I get an extra day. I'm like, I'm going somewhere cool, somewhere I want to be. Planes are fucking amazing.

They're so sweet, too. Early morning, too. Like, I love breakfast foods. These are my, like, coffee, bagels, all that. It's amazing. And then even, like, if I'm coming back from, like, Florida or somewhere warm, and I'm coming back on a weekend and I don't have to go to work the next day, the idea, like, I'm going back home.

It's relaxing. So I, like, usually love airports. It isn't until, like, we started doing, like, weird weekend trips to go see, like, Connor or I go see Sam or anything like that that I'm like, fuck this shit. I hate the airport. Well, we got stuck in some bad lines and then, like, a flight delays. Like, I will not take any flights with connections if I don't have to. No, if I don't have to.

I would rather pay more money. I also, like, but I would also rather take that than drive like the when i went to nashville and we drove down there an hour and a half in i booked my flight back i was like i'm not driving back with you guys i can't do this and the funniest part is i got home 45 minutes before they did like my flight was late i'm like i to sleep in a little more. I didn't feel like I... Because you dread sitting in the car, and then you get antsy,

where I'm in the plane, I'm like, you know what? I'll be home, quote-unquote, quicker. And I don't have to sit long. And you just eat like shit, and then you just feel like shit, and it's just... What, at an airport?

No, when you drive. Oh. The worst I feel, honestly, God, is the flight back after, like, when we went to go see Connor for his birthday last year. The flight back, like, we did three to four days of just hardcore drinking. Yeah. And then I'm like, I just want to be back. I'm fucking exhausted. I haven't slept. The sleep is what kills me. So you get to the airport. I'm like i just want to be back i'm fucking exhausted i haven't slept the sleep is what kills me so you get to the airport i'm like i'm gonna get food but you don't at this

point like i've already killed my body what's another thing gonna do yeah so you get the most disgusting what did we get the chinese bowls that i was like that guy was so fertile he gave and he gave us an extra one and we ate all of it And I was like That's the worst decision We've ever made Yeah Then you feel even worse Then you get on the plane I'm trying not to fart

I'm sweating I got the mask on I'm sitting next to him And then Fucking Two ton teen Is sits next to you So I'm like this

The whole fucking time I'm like hey Fuck you And you can't sleep And then you get off So I thought it was universal That if you're the middle seat, you get the... Both. No, apparently not.

As of recently, I've experienced the same thing. Yeah, some people just don't get it. They're assholes. That's the best, too, when you're sitting in between two big fellows that are friends that talk the whole time. You're just like, I just want to sit here and take it all in. Also, what part of my face says, talk me yeah none absolutely none you got to get the big head the big over your headphones and just yeah that's it even so like i'll put my headphones in and the

airport etiquette in my opinion like and who you can and cannot talk to. If someone has headphones in, don't talk to them. The only time you can talk to someone with headphones in is if you're like, hey, man, can I sit in the seat that's open next to you? And then you go, yeah. And then you sit down and then nothing else, okay? You sit down, head forward, you never talk. You do the weird look because you're curious to see what they look like,

and then when they look back, you go like that, and then you go to bed. Don't talk to me. I'm like, why are you here? Where are you going? I'm like, shut up. I don't want to talk to you. Well, you don't care what my trip was like either. Do you care what the person next to you did?

No. I got to sit next to a lady that tore her ACLl too so we chatted about that for a little bit but i bet she thought you guys were like twinsies no how'd she tear it getting off the lift oh that's some yeah weak shit at least you're doing like moguls yeah we need to end this so you can go to bed and i have to edit this. Not really edit this. Have you ever flown hungover? Like horribly, deathly hungover? Well, I really don't get that hungover.

Oh. Holy fuck. It is one of the worst things in the entire world. My hangovers though, like the mask thing, like I need to breathe when I'm like a bender weekend. I'm like if Iender weekend i'm like if i'm warm so like having the mask on i've had i'd want i think i was coming back from arizona where i was like mask on and i'm like i want all the fans on me right now i'm sweating and i'm like

just no one talked to me i'm like oh the water wasn't coming quick on my cotton mouth that was the worst i've had but like nauseousness no i don't really get nauseous when i'm hungover it's like i think i've thrown up the day after drinking in my what i've been drinking for eight years now i think i've thrown up maybe two, three times the day after. And it's not even throwing up. It's dry heaving because I got nothing in my stomach, and I had sugary drinks the whole night. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah, fuck that shit. That is so not fun. I took a connecting flight because I had to on the whole first flight. I put the table down the whole time right in between two guys oh i do that too i'm just like i'm out i'm out and then i had a lady i was doing that and we'll end it here but i i did uh what you did you just put it down and you sleep like this but i had my mask down so i could fucking breathe and she literally tapped me on the show sir you need your mask on

i will take this plane down leave me alone i was so what if she said everybody wake the fuck up on a plane and then she just left the plane she goes i'm gonna jump out now oh little skydive oh everybody wake the fuck up we'm going to jump out now. Oh, good God. A little skydive. Everybody wake the fuck up. We're going to bed. Yeah. Well, no, I'm not. End this now.