Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.54 - Avery Rapier

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Avery is an actual ninja

I think this will work. I don't fucking know. What's wrong with it? No, I'm just... Again, I haven't done this in two weeks, so... Red light. Red light. I saw red light. Red light. Dude, I think I should load up these now. I'm gonna end up getting a little boozy tonight, aren't I? Dude, let's get weird. Let's get a little weird.

Are we recording right now? No, it's gone. Nice, hold on. Yeah, it's... Fuck. I'm sorry.. Yeah, Stacen. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm not going to get COVID.

I'm going to get pink eye, though. Yeah, no COVID up in here. Just pink eye, dude. Well, the audio works. That's for sure. Yeah, we picked that up. That's good. I got two Venmos. That's either I get paid or I got paid.

They pay you at their Venmo? Your work? either I get paid or I got paid. They pay you at their Venmo? Your work? No. Oh, through comedy? Okay. I was going to say, damn, anytime fitness is getting rough, huh? It's real under the table.

Well, that's like most of my money as an independent contractor. Yeah. Through like Zell and shit. But I just figured anytime sent you a good old fashioned paycheck. yeah good old-fashioned paycheck which is nice i guess um i don't even dude i gotta be better just looking at him like make sure i'm getting paid the right amount yeah i uh i actually made that mistake a few times at my old job and this lady i was like man i'm getting paid so it's actually the opposite i was like dude i'm getting paid pretty good right now i'm like this is awesome and then like i had child support set up through the state with my son and everything

and just assumed she take took care of it this lady was writing a per and because i talked to my son's mom i was like hey you're getting child support checks and she's like yeah uh they're a little different this time around but i'm still getting the money i was like okay i didn't really think about it and then fast forward like three months i get a call from child support being like hey we haven't gotten any money from you in like three months i'm like what are you talking about because it's like i see it on my pay stub you know uh like deducted from for child support and i'm like what are you talking about and then uh i talked to my boss dude this lady was writing my son's mom a personal check out of my wages, giving money to her. And then so my son's mom was still getting the money that she needed for the child support.

The child support agency had no paper trail of it. So then I ended up having to pay like over $1,000 within like two weeks of getting that phone call from them or else like i got my license suspended and all this shit really you're you're like baby mama couldn't have been like hey i've gotten this money she did but because i didn't have a paper the child support that's the thing about child support is they take money from her so like if i say sarah i give sarah a hundred the child support is going to take $3 of that. Oh, so they wanted their money. And I'm like, fuck you. You guys aren't doing shit for my son.

And I actually freaked out on my the guy from the child support agency. I'm like, yeah, dude, what's my son's middle name? And he's like, I was like, what's his favorite color? He was like, I was like, you don't know anything about him. You just want our money. You just want my money. I didn't know that. So they take their money. Oh, yeah.

They take a good, I think it's 3%. I could be wrong about that, but it's fucking insane. You think about like they have to stay alive too and pay people. Do they? Yeah. But at the same time, it's like this is supposed to be for the kid. Right. And I totally understand that there's deadbeat dads,

that you need an institution like this to be able to get the money and all that stuff. Absolutely. And I fully understand that. But I think if you were to just simply ask the question to my son's mom and to her family, is A inactive dad yeah like everybody's gonna be like yeah i know you're an active dad just from your like all your like soldiers and stuff like you look like that kid looks like he has the time of his life oh yeah we have a

fucking blast dude all the time it's like it's like a vacation every time i know he sees you i was talking i've been seeing this girl lately and she's just like man you really seem like you're a good father i'm like honestly i feel like i overcompensate because i do feel guilty on the time that i miss out and like i wish i had had him i wish i had him all the time uh but i don't and it wouldn't be fair if i did uh for his mother's sake and the relationship he has with like the mother his mother's side of his family yeah but so i feel like in some cases senses i overcompensate i'm like let's have a fucking blast every weekend and it looks like you have been you did the beach you done the dells zoo i swear to god i got food point did i tell you my food points yeah you're ripped though yeah dude fucking jerked uh no i uh dude i new diet food poisoning yeah so i okay i did have

four from two personal trainers yeah right i did have uh four taquito or tornadoes from speedway yeah that might do it and at like 2 p.m and there were breakfast tornadoes and i told my son that he's like why would you do that he's seven he. He's like, that's a fucking horrible idea. What does a seven-year-old look to you like? That's a dumb idea. Yeah. And so I did have those. And I was fine all Saturday.

So, like, we went to the water park. We went to, what was that place called? Wolf Creek? Great Wolf Lodge? Great Wolf Lodge. Thank you. And we went there. And we had a blast.

Water slides. Did the whole arcade thing. And then, but then midnight dude midnight came around and i just like puked up a bunch of pizza because we had pizza for dinner and i'm just like oh and then i fell back asleep woke up and we go to paul bungan's breakfast yeah wisconsin dell's big big like staple of the community yeah and there's this nice big garden right in the right by the front door i just puke all over the bushes like i just looked like a dad who won custody of his child and then like got way too

excited when they fell asleep and then i'm just dealing with it the next day i was about to lose him families are walking by us left and right and then dude i i'm yakking and i look over at my son when i get done there's like parents walking by everybody's walking by and then dude i i'm yakking and i look over at my son when i get done it was like parents walking by everybody's walking by and my son's just like that was embarrassing like yeah i know i want to be your son and then i'm like trying to keep it together so we go to breakfast uh we go to um uh ripley's believe it or not afterwards dude i i'm not proud of this. I'm not proud of this, but it happened. I shit my pants on my way to the bathroom in Ripley's Believe

It or Not bathroom. It was more like a leak because it wasn't like a solid. I had to throw out the pair of pants. Brown streak over this gray pair of jeans and then I look over at Ollie. I'm puking all. I destroyed that toilet. Went on the floor i

ruined a pair of shoes or in my pants uh you had bad food poisoning it was bad bro and then i look at ollie because i'm like i'm trying to keep it together and like soldier on and i look at him like bro i can't we can't do this and we gotta go like back home you know and he's like okay and he's like bumped out our guitar felt bad but then we'd like drive i'm going i made it to the highway the to the highway the first exit off the highway i was like dude i gotta i gotta puke again and so i go destroy that bathroom in the in the gas station you know then i drive like five more miles i'm seeing like stars it's like a two-hour drive yeah yeah and so i'm like this is not safe i see a rest stop and i'm like okay let me just see if i can take like a nap power nap and just power

through this yeah and so i take like a 20 30 minute nap and my son i felt so bad he's just like a game boy or something well he's reading in the back he's reading a book he's love that's like one thing i do love about going on car trips with that with him is there's no screen time. It's no nothing. It's either conversation or he's reading books and stuff. That's huge. And every time I bring him to the gym, too, he's reading a book. He'll read a full book if I do like a long – That's going to be so helpful for him.

Dude, he's so smart. It's insane. Also, it bothers – I'll let you finish, but it bothers the hell out of me when I see kids out in public with their parents. It's just them and their mom Them and their dad Like one on one And they're out to eat And they have headphones in

They're just listening to music Eating and their parents are just looking And I'm like what the fuck did I do Well those parents did They know what they did They didn't do shit They just passed their kid a tablet Every time things like They needed to go do something

and they needed a babysitter and then the kid got addicted to them and now needs it. But also it's like at the same time, the kid, I think it's like a 50-50 thing too, where, hey, you have to have some social cue. Like I'm supposed to be interacting with you right now. Right. It is not normal if you and i were hanging out right now and i just had headphones in but that's real right but that's also like the job as the parent like the kid doesn't know better you know like i mean depending

on how old like i feel like every teenager teenager has got those in i was like oh you know at the age of 16 you know i suppose like i was that moody teenager at one point in time like where i just would tune my parents out and like it's not appropriate at all uh but i get that because it's like the hormone monsters are going off left and right and you want to be your own person it still bothers me oh yeah it still bothers it breaks my heart when i see a little kid doing that more than a teenager though like when i see like a five-year-old and the parents just give them a tablet or their phone to enter like so they can play with it so they but it's like i feel more bad for the parents when it's a younger kid and i hate the kid when it's like a teenager that's like you know better right you're 16 yeah put your phone away for two seconds

your mom just bought you dinner at the food court or whatever or wherever you are and all these clothes a pair of shoes whatever and you aren't even going to talk to her yeah that's that's a good point i suppose if it's like a teenager and yeah that's that's different but i i guess with like the little kids you know i'll see like five-year-olds all the time just staring at their screen on an iphone and everything and it kind of like i i don't know it like technology is great but then you always have like like my son if you tell him like yesterday we went on a nice long walk but when before we before we like uh went on the walk he was watching tv and i'm like hey dude uh let's wrap it up let's turn turn this off, and we're going to go on a walk. He had a fucking meltdown, dude.

I said I was being mean. He's like, you're a bad dad. You always make me do things I don't want to do. I'm like, go on a walk on a fucking 70-degree day. Dude, it's been raining and cold all week. Yeah, I was like, dude, it was nine months of winter. We're going to go outside and enjoy the day. Well, that's the thing is I think I believe the more you do that,

the more he'll realize like, oh, this is what I should be doing when it gets nice out. Yeah. It's slowly building. You kind of just have to take those punches as they come. Well, it's so weird because like yesterday he had a whole fit about it. And this morning he woke me up at like 7 a.m. this morning and he's like, let's go. Let's go on the walk.

He's like, can we bring because my cat my cat actually like will go yeah i know i walk my cat i uh my cat goes on walks yeah on a leash she has a time of her life and he's like he so he wakes me up at 7 a.m he's like let's bring rosa on a walk so it's like so weird you know he's just like every day i guess if he my son uh and i think it's a lot of the same things like with a lot of kids that if they're doing something that's all they want to do and the change is like the change is a hard the change is a hard part i'm having fun why would i want to stop having we're having a blast i'm watching youtube videos we're all like that though i suppose like it's like isaac it goes back to

like newton's law of uh motion right like an object in motion wants to stay in motion, but an object stuck and stuck. It wants to stay stuck. Oh, yeah. I 100% agree. But all right. Back to throwing up. Oh, back to shit in my pants and throwing up. Yeah.

So, OK, we get to the rest stop. Take like a 20 minute nap. Wake up and I'm still just feeling like shit. And so I'm trying to make it back home and make it to Madison, which is about 30 minutes, maybe from the Dells. You know, I was minutes from walk you know you know about an hour and a half no yeah yeah no about 30 minutes from the dells if that and i'm just like seeing stars when i see a hotel on the eggs or a hotel off off the highway i'm like ollie i gotta i gotta sit this one out and just ride this out this is not not getting better. So I bring him in there.

I get there at 3 o'clock. Or no, I'm sorry, 1 o'clock. And I'm like, hey, man, I got to check in the hotel. And the dude at the hotel was like, well, check-in's not until 1 or until 3. And I'm just like, dude, I got food poisoning. I got to get in right now. And he's just like, OK. He looks at me.

He looks at my son. He's like, OK. And then I'm like in the hotel just puking my brains out and then i have this huge fear that this guy at the hotel thinks that i just abducted this kid yeah and brought him into the hotel so the whole time i'm puking my brains out. I'm just fearing that the police are going to burst the door open. My son's sitting on the bed fucking watching SpongeBob and I'm in my underwear in the fetal position. It doesn't look good. I have a mustache. I had a really big mustache.

I like it, by the way. This one is a brand new mustache. I appreciate that. But I had a thick mustache at the time. It was like two weeks worth of stache. Oh, wow. So I look like a full on pedophile. Is this a summer thing you're doing? I think it's a midlife crisis really um midlife you're what

30 30 it's i'm here for a good time not a long time dude hey i'm hoping to make the 52 i'm almost halfway there as long as i can make it tell my son's a young man and yeah give him give him the ways of the world which nowadays a young man is probably like 22 yeah i think so what else is new buddy um actually the fact that you have you heard the new thing i've tried i haven't seen you in a while yeah i know i've been laying low so you said the fact that you um thought you're someone's gonna come and think you abducted this kid i had something happen at work that i've turned into a bit kind of i don't know how to make it funny but i think that's kind of

why i'm making it funny okay i had i'm sitting at work i get there like i had these computer issues like this computer like just broke one day and i'm like i'm fucked um i have so much shit on there like podcast stuff oh this is your personal computer yeah work computer oh yeah i don't know i technically have a work computer they gave it to me three days ago i was like i don't fucking want this shit um so i get into work at like noon i've been there for 15 minutes i'm like i'm gonna work out no one's here for a while 15 minutes and there's these old people at the gym that think they work there. Sure. So like at like at any time, if you've been there for a while or any kind of like franchise gym like that, people start to think, oh, I know what to do at the gym.

So they just let people in. The members. Yeah. They just let people in. Oh, boy. No, no, no, no, no. Because it's a liability thing. They get hurt.

They break their leg. I'm fucked. Right. Like I need a waiver, something like that. Or I want their their money and so there's this guy named melvin fuck he tasked me on the shoulder last name by the way is frisky not a good last name for a creepy old man um sorry melvin you'll never watch this it's like when he came to ellis island they're like we know what the fuck you are we know we can tell yeah it's like a like a warning sign but so he taps me on shoulders like I let someone in I was like what you know

how old are we talking here uh 70s 70s for sure oh yeah like an athletic 70s right skinny string being kind of thing but he goes I let someone in i was like why he goes i think she's a cop i'm like what do you mean you think melvin he goes she showed me her gun oh god i was like what melvin i was like hey dude how about you let me know next time melvin like let me open the door and i go and she showed me her badge i was like okay she's a god and she goes are you michael i was like yeah never good if a cop you've never met in your life knows your name right never so i immediately started thinking of everything bad i've ever done and she goes we need to talk i'm like okay and the week before someone called about i'm missing it like hey i left a wallet there do

you mind if i come and get it oh gotcha and so i'm like okay yeah i have it here's the name they said the name like i got it and who came what came in was a guy with a gun and he goes do you have my wallet and i just tossed it to him he came in with a gun yeah like concealed carry kind of thing oh god undercover cop ended up being okay and because she knew him and i just tossed him the wallet but at the time i just gave him the wallet and i was like i'm no better than melvin and she comes into my office and two peas in a pod i know she comes into my office and it has nothing to do with that she closes the door she goes hi my name's officer blah blah i'm with the sensitive crimes unit and my heart sinks dude like what you're worried about like you don't want someone to think you

kidnapped your own son like that's not a good look but actually like anything that has to do with that around you're like this is disgusting so sensitive crimes like like sexual stuff, sexual stuff, trafficking, kids, all that. And I'm like, fuck. And she goes, I got a call on Sunday and my head immediately goes, thank God Sunday. I'm not here Sundays. OK. Yeah. I'm out.

I'm out. I'm in the clear. And she was a call from this guy said he he saw approximately a 30-year-old man walk in with maybe a 4-year-old girl. No socks, no shoes, looking kind of dirty. Went into the bathroom for 45 minutes. A man in a suit came in later, then left immediately. And then later they saw the man who brought the girl in working out by himself and then they said we don't know where the girl is whoa fucked up whoa i'm not gonna

spoil how i make it a joke but like i'll tell you later but like okay so whoa it ends up being fine but like oh really okay what's up well what's fucked up is i ended up looking for a dead four-year-old for the first 15 minutes of my shift i'm like melvin if you let anyone in this gym again i will i will fucking kill you dude you're gonna be the next missing person melvin and so she's like hey i'm like this is disgusting like i don't i'm like i'm is disgusting. Like, I don't, I'm like, I'm going to help you any way you can. And we have cameras. Go back months. And so I do like just footage, like looking at all the footage. And she's like, this is when they called and blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, okay. I looked at the times you said they were here. Saw no man with no girl come in at all. She goes, all right, well, I'm looking at the timestamps you gave me. He actually came in at four instead of 430. I all she goes all right well i'm looking at the time stance you gave me he actually came in at four instead of 4 30 i'm like all right so we're already off with the description of what happened yeah so i'm like 4 30 okay okay but like at this like how do you guys not know i mean you're the fucking police you get a call about something i'm like this is a little off um and then i go back a half hour 10 minutes in And I see a guy walk in with a girl

In hand And heart sinks again I'm like fuck Call the cops I have them Here's the time stamp When they came in They have the list of people

Like we got it They did like a Facebook search Found all these pictures of him Like okay Like let us know what you see He goes into the bathroom Directly with this girl Comes out in 3 minutes Not 45 pictures of him like okay like let us know what you see he goes into the bathroom directly with this girl comes out in three minutes not 45 puts the girl in the car car drives away

or whatever now my first look at it was oh he just put this girl in car went and worked out and the car disappeared i didn't look to see that. Dude, he got so fucking lucky. So lucky. We have one camera that faces the parking lot. So we can see one parking spot. They parked in that spot. This man and his wife pulled up. He got out of the passenger seat, grabbed his daughter, who had to pee, brought her in, let her pee, brought her back out, put her in the back seat, kissed her goodbye, kissed his wife goodbye, went in and worked out.

Oh, wow. And I spent the first two hours of my shift thinking there was a dead four-year-old trafficked in the dumpsters out back. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. So I went and looked at the cameras again. I was like, which asswipes reported this? Because this guy, hopefully the cops did not call this guy and, like, out like hey where's your daughter kind of thing yeah so i'm like who the

fuck reported this and i get why you'd report it at first like hey i see a girl with no socks no shoes with a creepy old man or older guy sure neon go in absolutely like this is a little weird yeah two like a couple at the bathroom, watch them go in. Girlfriend whispers to him, assuming, hey, what the fuck was that? Again, rightfully so. If you are genuinely concerned about this at all, you either wait until they come out of the bathroom or you kick that fucking door down.

You don't wait. You kick that door down. You kick that fucking door down. They were like, hey You kick that door down. You kick that fucking door down. They were like, hey, that's fucked up. You want to see if we can squat two plates? And then they just went back to the squat rack. So how does the confusion of the three, where was the confusion of three minutes and 45 minutes?

The fact that they're like, hey, this is fucked up. Then they went and worked out okay and then they just did their thing and then when they came to their head again i'm assuming they went and saw that guy and they're like where's the girl you came in with her she has to be here dude that's also thank god watched all the footage not a single man in a suit came into that gym huh i was like this is maybe a tracksuit or like a sweatsuit do they say tuxedo but i was like they're just like full suit i was like okay saw none of it who's this fucking guy i'm a little concerned about they're hacking into your computer so what really happened is

a girl got molested thrown in a dumpster They're hacking into your computer. So what really happened is a girl got molested, thrown in a dumpster, and they hacked into your computer footage because a guy in the suit walked in and did his thing and put a button on there. Dude, that is fucked up, though. It's fucked. I feel bad for the dad. I'd never seen that guy before in my life.

He worked out that day. Yeah, he probably just had his wife drop him off at the gym. No, but that day, I'd never seen him come to the gym at the times i'm there oh that day he walked in two hours after i did all that oh wow i was like i was i just kept i went and worked out next to him i was like are you gonna say something to me like do i say something to you he probably doesn't even know anything i didn't know i was like dude the cop came in afterwards and was like is this the guy i go yeah it is it was like 12 pictures of

him like lovingly hugging his daughter yeah doing like like and there's that girl on the camera yeah i wonder why she was all dirty though what was that last sunday's weather like i don't know she could have had like daycare or something yeah it wasn't last sunday it was like a month ago oh okay but it wasn't like nice weather yeah it was sunny outside like they're probably at the park oh yeah yeah okay that's what i was thinking if it was like today you know what i mean it's a little wet yeah but still i mean ollie and i went out all day today dude it's fucking gorgeous out right now can i tell you what no i've been walking around these i forget how many attractive people live in the city until every spring Slash summer And then I go to the beach And I'll go to the beach

All the time with my son But then I'm trying Not to be a fucking weirdo The weird dad With the mustache Staring at all these women You know And I'm like

God damn it I've been locked up In the darkness For so long Dude it's So last night Cause I wanted I had no one to hang out with

Everyone was like Gone like You just gotta be alone By your thoughts Literally Like my roommate tours ACL um no I don't have a ton of other friends here everyone else was like up north doing stuff so I'm like I'm texting everyone like you guys doing anything like we're here we're there yeah I was like well I wanted to do a podcast either way which is why I texted you. Sure. And I want someone entertaining. Hell yeah.

But I was like, fuck it, finally. I almost went to, I think Kittleson put on the show with AJ and David. I almost went, but then I realized I'm going to be like 30 minutes late. Is that comedy sports? Yeah. That ground place? Hell yeah. Yeah. And so I was like, fuck it.

I just went to the public market area. Didn't know it closes at 8. The public market? I was like, fuck it. I just went to like the public market area. Didn't know it closes at eight. The public market. Yeah. So I was like, I just walked around and I got like super excited for the summer because it was warm outside. I'm in like shorts and a sweatshirt. Everyone and their mother is outside on the patio drinking. Fuck.

Yeah. Eating. It's eight o'clock. I'm like, man, i wish i had friends right now but i just went to like wall burgers because it was open like quick food wait where's the wall burgers out open over here right by cafe benelux oh really yeah oh yeah um it was not a good order like every i went through five things before like yeah we have that available oh wow i was like yeah can i because i was like you know what i was super active today i'm like it's a weekend eat just shit food tonight let's do it like you're not going out like let's get

your calories this way and so i was like can i have the like jalapeno bacon wanton poppers. We're like, we don't have those. I was like, how about the whatever? We don't have those. I did three times. And then she goes, this is what we don't have. Are you one of the people that's like super difficult with a menu though? Like where you're just like, can you put extra cream on here? No, absolutely not.

I literally was just like, hey, can I, it was the number one appetizer on the list. I'm like, can I have this? She's like, we don't have it. I went to the number three. Like, can I have this? She goes, we don't have it. And literally was just like, hey, can I? It was the number one appetizer on the list. I'm like, can I have this? She's like, we don't have it. I went to the number three. Like, can I have this? She goes, we don't have it. And I was like, the number four. I'm like, we don't have it.

I'm like, how about you tell me what you do have? And she goes, we have this, this, and this. I'm like, that's three out of ten. That's not good. Yeah, that's not good. Damn. And then I was like, okay, I'll take this small whatever appetizer. Can I have my burger?

She goes, we're kind of low on like jalapenos I'm like Listen if you have one put it on there I don't fucking care just give me the food And then I was like you know what I want A dessert I never get like dessert For myself like can I have a black and white shake Half vanilla half chocolate

She goes yeah Alright it'll be 30 minutes I'm like to get a burger and whatever I'm like okay Go to the minutes I'm like to get a burger And whatever I'm like okay Go to the bar I'm like can I have Like can I have a drink And she goes yeah

What do you want I'm like I really don't know I'm like anything fun She goes we do this Jalapeno strawberry margarita I love spicy margaritas That sounds good Strawberry whatever

Like give it to me I go spicier the better please She goes absolutely Two slices of jalapeno in this i'm like marky mark you are fucking up right now yeah walbert so does he actually own that or is that just hearsay really yeah um i mean it's a chain so oh yeah i remember the only time i went there i was high as a goddamn kite in uh in denver and i went like i have these cousins and they're probably at the time they were probably like 20 23 they're around your age now um but dude they were just showing me the city and these guys

you think i smoke like crazy oh i know these guys put me under the table like i they have me in the fetal position like three hours into hanging out with them i would be comatose yeah it's bad but so like they would just like they'd give me so many edibles and different like smoking and tinctures like there's these weird droplets you put in your mouth we just have a fun time really oh yeah denver's awesome i want to move there i know in a year my sister uh my sister dated a guy in Denver. She lived in Denver for a while, and she dated a guy. She went to school over there. And I remember it was so funny. She broke up with this guy.

They're like 20, 20, I think, at the time, maybe 21. They're both in school. And the guy's name was Andrew, sweetheart of a guy. I loved him. And him and I were like homies, you know. And they broke up because she said he just didn't want to like grow up yet. And like, she needed like a man,

not a boy. And it's fair. It's fair. It's fair. Uh, but so fast forward a few years, um, she's getting married in the summer.

I'm going out to, she lives in San Diego. Now I'm going to go fly out there. And, but her, so Andrew, the boyfriend Andrew, is now a huge

business developer in Denver. Really grown up? Dude, really grown up. He's got his name all over or his face all over billboards, the downtown Denver. He's fucking killing it. With all this business development inside the Denver area. She's engaged

and I love her fiance. He's the sweetest guy in the world. Hippie? Biggest hippie you'll ever meet. Semi-pro skateboarder. Okay, I want to put quotations on that because when I say semi-pro, he's very talented, and I know you guys are going to watch this.

You're very talented. Don't make any money doing it, though, you know? And he's a kombucha salesman. Do we make more money doing comedy than he does skateboarding? I probably make any money doing it though you know and and he's a kombucha salesman do we make more money doing comedy than he does skateboarding i probably make more money than he does doing comedy but not by much but like i'm also you know like i have a better day job more financially yeah uh beneficial day job oh god yeah but then again's just like, how do you want to spend your time? I just think it's funny that she's like, I need a grown up. And then she's like,

I'll marry Beach Boy. He's actually in Australia right now because he plays bass for this band. Of course he does. Of course he plays the bass too. The laziest one. He's so talented.

He's way more talented than I'll ever be. So whatever. Is he, though? Because it's not working out. Well, it's working out for him. I mean, he's doing. I guess it depends on what your definition of success is, either. I was going to say, if he's happy, that's all that really matters.

I mean, I'd rather be happy and live paycheck to paycheck than balling out of control and fucking miserable. Yeah. It's like sometimes it takes like I have to remind myself that, too. Sometimes like, hey, dude, you're enjoying yourself right now. Yeah. Also, I'm not paycheck to paycheck, though, which is nice, too. Right. Right.

And I mean, now that I have like I struggled a lot earlier on in my training career where I debated getting other jobs. And I'm lucky that I fell into the place that I work at now where I make a decent living doing it. But before then, I was just like always looking at different jobs because like it was so rough financially that it took the joy away from from training. But now that I make a livable you know a good livable comfortable life uh i fucking love it dude yeah you look like you have fun i was gonna text you i think this week to do i want to learn the boxing shit or whatever i got some openings this week because i got some people out of town so it's actually a lighter anything friday yeah yeah we can go look at my schedule yeah i really want to because i tried hitting like

someone had uh the mitts on oh yeah and i was like i don't think i'm doing this right like i just seem so off balance i look terrible i look like on court i look like a jackass right now the guy who says he can fight and gets his ass kicked immediately kind of thing well that's like one of the scariest things i notice uh you know about going to some of these open mics uh i don't want to say any names but i think you know the place that i'm talking about like i've had people come up to me and like just starting why like people i don't know like talking wild shit to me and like into my friends but i'm just like like people that are so confident that I can tell

You've never been in a fight Or if you have it's been like one and done Because you know how you can tell It was like three seconds You know how you can tell Look at the people's ears Look at the scar tissue under their eyes If they don't have any of this

Dude They're not in the same They're not experienced You guys are in different worlds, but it's like, it's just insane to me because it's like one of the biggest consequences you can ever have is to lose a street fight. Cause anything can happen. Not only like the legal repercussions,

but the physical repercussions, because there's no referee there. There's some guy just bashing your fucking head. There's no paramedics on call. Yeah. Until he's done. And then, Oh, by the way, you're drunk. So your brain is like super dehydrated too. just bashing your fucking head there's no paramedics on call yeah until he's done and then oh by the way you're drunk so your brain is like super dehydrated too so it's just your brain

smacking up against this wall with like no fluids and then like the alcohol makes you bleed even more so this is like a horrible storm uh but then it says i don't understand the people that like don't know how to fight always trying to start fights it's always those people it's never the people that like really know how to fight because it's an ego thing the people that know how to fight know that the consequences of it because they've lost several fights along the way like i've got my ass kicked a million times along the way i believe it like i'm surprised i haven't had my ass kicked at least twice well you're a nice guy you don't really no i'm not you see my dude did you see that video i sent you i forget the comedian's name uh matt brauner matt brauner did you see that clip i sent you uh where because you were telling me

the last time i was on your podcast i think um of you and madison uh pretending to be a bouncer oh yeah did you tell me this on the podcast? Oh yes. I think you, yeah. Was that just us talking? No, I, in, I pretended to be the bouncer, uh, the night we did the podcast. Oh, okay. All right. Here, tell that story. Cause so I can tell this story. So tell the story. I've done this. People have done this plenty of times before and my friends and I would do this sometimes when I was in college. But the night we did the podcast, you can tell when someone's underage from working at a bar, or they're like, you can at least tell when they're expecting to give an ID.

But specifically underage, you're like, okay, if they have their ID out a block away, they're underage. And they're going to be like, they're going to be like they're going to give their id to whoever asked for it and i just we happen to be waiting by the door and so these three kids came in and i took their ids and i ended up ripping on them in my set too i just stared them down the whole time i was like there's no way you guys are old enough to be here but i just i looked at their ids and i like i asked them like weird questions i'm like hey which class are you i don't know what class means even on like a license i don't know what i am c d a f six i don't fucking know i don't know what they but they're like class and the guy looked me dead in the eyes and he goes

sophomore i'm like that's a terrible answer in two ways one do you think sophomore is on your license to a sophomore in college is not 21 asshole that's hilarious but yeah so you would do this all the time in madison right yeah if i was by there because i also worked at the bar right like if i wasn't working i just start taking ids so you tell me that story about how you'd always do that in Madison. And then I saw you do it at the high note one night. And but then like fast forward a couple weeks, I see Matt Bronner, a New York guy, do this video, like a stand up clip of him talking about this little kid, this kid who looked like he was like, oh, yeah, I did watch. He was like 19

years old who came up to him is this you is this you are you 21 and uh matt browner is like 40 years old and made me think of you and you mentioned that the uh bar you worked at was right next to comedy or right by comedy on state yeah which was the club he was performing at dude i was like matt fucking got him dude michael got him they could have been me or one of my friends because we do it all the time like we would even do like if you're ever go to a bar and it's like there are two bouncers yeah and so like if it's a busy bar like oh i'll check this one you check the other one like we even my friends and I would do it like, hey, man, can you see this one? We just hand it off and they'd be like, oh, fuck.

Can I comment, dude? Your legs look amazing. I don't think I've ever seen your legs in the flesh before. You got a good set of legs on you, buddy. I think I have chicken legs. Honestly, I love that compliment

right now because I've been working my ass off. I'm trying to get my legs. I'm like kind of hard right now. It's pretty good. Are they really? I feel like they just I don't know. you got a good set of quads on you good little glutes and hamstrings do legs twice a week by man do you yeah what do you usually do

like squats uh romanian deadlifts i don't do any deadlifts don't do any deadlifts no why not hurry back uh yeah i have like i don't know i have a slight bulge in one of my discs. Learned that in high school. And then, I don't know. It's not my favorite lift. I can still get plenty back exercises in without doing it. If I do deadlifts, I went through a phase where I was doing hex bar deadlifts. Those are probably the healthiest for you.

Yeah. So, I would do those because I know it's the safest for one. I feel like i work my legs even more doing those as well yeah so i think i did that left super lightweight but just get the range of motion i've thought about it i've thought about it put some do you have bumper plates at your work yeah those big ones uh yeah put like some 10 pounders on there and just do like sets of 20, you know, and just like just I could easily do like 135. But even then, like, don't even fuck with that because that might herniate the discs even more. Oh, it's not that bad.

It's a very small. I've done plenty heavy lifts without it. Hasn't done anything. Do you do yoga? What are you power bottom? Did you like top or bottom? What do you fuck? I like both. I've had that. Yeah that yeah depends who i'm with yeah it's like uh

if i'm on the bottom and i i'd like i like control so like on top is great but at the same time i'm on bottom like i i think that's what's like very it's exciting and watching them work yeah and i'm like that i'm like uh this is gonna be over real quick i know i like uh i like like when a girl gets on top i like watching them use me which i don't know what that says about me yeah but i like watching them just like completely use me like and then i'm like whoa that was i feel i feel like you probably feel all the time being objectified exactly i feel like everyone is gonna say i'm definitely a like a big a dominant like whatever in control yeah but every once in a while it's like treat me like a piece of meat go for it no yeah it depends who i'm with like if i'm with like a piece of meat. Go for it. Yeah, it depends who I'm with. If I'm with a boss bitch,

but I've noticed the boss bitches like to have me push them around more. Yeah, it's usually opposite. Usually the quiet girls are most aggressive. The most aggressive girls in public are probably the most submissive. Yeah, it's insane. I wonder what that is.

I mean, you're exploring both sides of your personality Yin and yang Yeah like if you are You could be Even though you kick people's ass Kind of for a living You're pretty like soft spoken You're a little crazy

A little nuts Like you're one edible away I think from snapping I think it's one I honestly think it's more of the alcohol uh which i've been dialing back i know i'm drinking yeah but like uh i think it's more the alcohol that makes me get a little wild the weed helps me actually chill yeah but like you know in public you're kind of a relaxed human being but whether it's working out or sex you're exploring the other side of it the repressed side of you is coming out yeah I think the Catholic

guilt for me for a lot of my early 20s was like cool am I supposed to be here like when I'd have sex yeah I'm still at the bar I'm like I don't like am I doing something wrong it's God watching oh my god I don't know I don't know give a fuck about the religious part of it anymore. I know. Sometimes I'll, like, ejaculate, dude. And, like, I'll be just demon mode with, like, not demon mode, but, you know, everything's obviously consensual. But, like, you know, it'll be, like, very dirty, intense sex. And then, like, I'll come. And then I'll be like, holy shit, dude, I'm a father. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, my God my god i gotta go pick up my son from school tomorrow

that's bad that the clarity what is it the post clarity it's real bro it's fucking real i like if someone ever asked me like hey man i just have this problem like cheating on my significant other i've always thought about this. Like, do you have any advice to make sure I don't? My advice would literally be to jerk off. Oh, yeah. The amount of times, like, in my past, like, in college, you're like, oh, I find this girl attractive. And, like, I really want to talk to her.

And then, like, an hour later, you, like, jerk off. And you're like, I want nothing to do with this girl. Yep. It's literally just like, dude, that way you were horny. Animalistic. And like, like if that's how you know you like a girl too, is if you finish and you're like, I still want you here. Yeah. That's when you're like, I want like, I like you.

Bro, that's like the thing. Bro, that's like the thing I try telling I try telling people as much as possible is like with dudes And women are our love our developmental love and feelings Are so different like I don't know if I like a girl until I fuck them It's or I have sex with them, you know, like I don't know know. I can tell, like, if I have good conversation with you and you make me feel good, you give me stuff. It's a big step. I agree.

But, like, the pheromones with sex, for me, and I don't know if it's... Yeah, if, like... Okay, so there's this girl who I've known for years. You know this girl. We don't need to go into any more detail. But, like, i've known her for years and her and i have always kind of flirted and i've been like oh this but we she

was in a relationship uh at one point in time i was in a relationship at one point in time uh it never like lined up and then a few months back her and i hit it off we had a great time um but then i had sex with her i was like whoa like i've been attracted to this woman for years like six years the second i had sex with her and like i like everything got all said and done i was like it sounds so bad but it does really not like and there's honestly nothing like from a physical level like there's nothing wrong like she's a beautiful woman uh i really like respect her as a person but that deeper connection i was just not i wasn't there dude i didn't like it i didn't uh the there's something weird about the pheromones i swear to god uh where i was just like oh i don't like you i just needed to

have sex with you it's animalistic and you know what like i i think it's everyone thinks that's just guys girls i feel like have to do the same thing yeah i suppose i just i guess i don't know but yeah i uh but like that yeah there's people like that i forgot how we got well yeah i asked you if you're a top or bottom because i saw your glutes and I got a little horned up. I was like, what were we talking about before that? I don't know. My legs. I don't know, dude. Now we're talking about, well, how do you know you like someone?

I know. How do you know, though? I mean, like. That is a real thing. It isn't like my, like, number one thing, but that's how you know you like someone in not my professional opinion. Or that's exactly why you you know, you like someone, but if you have sex with them and you're like, I want you around.

Yeah. It's a good sign. It's a good sign. It's a great sign. Not like immediately get the fuck out of my bed. Uh, I forget. I think it was Mark Norman had a really funny joke about like,

uh, how women would just be like, well, all you want to do is want to fuck me. And then he's just like, well, yeah, but that's your fault. Be more interesting. Then I want to hang out afterwards.

That's fucking hilarious. Not wrong. I'm starting to feel mine right now. You ready? Oh, yeah. Michael's on some edibles. This is awesome. I'm a little bit more well-versed in edibles. I'm on 50 milligrams. Yeah, I am. How much are you on? Five. Five, you bitch. have one of these no i will die i like i feel fine i just i feel like i'm gonna

take another one okay i take another one i'm not gonna stop you can you drive yeah all right as long as i well depends can i sleep on the couch if i don't absolutely all right cool let's gauge this one but yeah i feel pretty good this couch is a lot more comfortable than the last one. I know. I was going to say, I forgot how nice your apartment was because I was like blackout junk last time we came here. Was that the strip club the night? What night was that? No.

Strip club? No. Oh, you were. You did Raya's birthday party. Raya's birthday party. I took Raya, our transgender friend who's also a comedian. birthday party i took ryer our transgender friend who's also a comedian um we took them to a uh strip club because they are attracted to girls and they don't have a dick but then they i don't know why i call her they because she doesn't give a fuck right she's also not transgender

what is she is she just lesbian did i just make that up she just said she didn't know who the hell she was i think it's part of her she told me that no she told me that in like hammered the night we went to the strip club because we sat there uh for like an hour or a week passed out and ryer's just like uh rises like avery i don't think what and she's like i wish i had a dick and like, Ryder, you got the biggest dick of any of us. You gotta walk into every room. Like, you got a 12-inch hog. You just gotta take that shit.

And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. We had a motivational talk when we were drunk. Ryder's awesome. Yeah, she's one of my favorites. She's so nice. So nice. One of the first couple people that was like, actually talked to me.

How is she not transgender if she wants a penis dude now i'm confused on the rules maybe she thinks that'll attract women to her more a dick no lesbians are killing it right now i have a client who's a lesbian and this girl runs shop this girl will we compare our online dating profiles To each other She shows me hers She is like Killing it Dude Dude

I feel like it's like The gay community The lesbian community It's just like Everyone wants to fuck Yeah I know I kind of wish I was gay dude Like Grindr

You know how fucking easy That would be dude So easy You know I wish man Someone had a joke That's like Tinder is like One mile away Two two miles away, 10 miles away.

Grindr is like 15 feet away, 150 feet away. Like they know if you're in the same apartment building. Dude, he's downstairs. Go, go, go. I'm a little young for this, but the old days of Tinder, like 2013-ish, 12-ish. I was in high school. So, yeah, you're're in high school might be a little young for that but did the old days of tinder were fucking wild because they would do like less than a mile away but like so I lived in Oshkosh at the time I was all on campus so all these girls like were right on campus

and we would have it down to a science where it'd be like seven o'clock you'd swipe right on like you'd lower your restriction on like where uh how much distance you want to go yeah so you go to like one mile so it's only girls on campus right and then you'd match with them and then you'd be like oh where are you going tonight blah blah you'd break the ice with them then you'd meet up with them an hour later that was like like college for us too. Dude, it was awesome. We would love it so much. It was some of the best times of my life. Dude, we did – do you remember when they did group Tinder?

No, I might have been in – I was in like a five-year relationship. Yeah, so when we were in college, they came out with group Tinder, and it was for like that reason. You'd be like, all right, us four are going out but really want to join us kind of thing it's kind of a cool idea it's kind of a cool idea and like why don't they still do that i don't they might i don't know i've never after that i've never had tinder i only did for group tinder i've never had a dating app oh and how'd you meet old uh north carolina uh when i was in nash Oh really Yeah Did you tell me

The story before Yeah I'll tell you All of this Okay Yeah Some things Don't need to be Yeah

No that's fine That's fine Although it's not bad at all But group tender Where was I So we did it And like Match

And no one would say anything We're all pussies As sophomores Sure Like no one would say anything Yeah how old all pussies as sophomores. Sure. Like no one would say anything. Yeah. How old are you as a sophomore? Like 19?

19. Oh, yeah. 19 going on 20. And I get a message. Our group of friends that was together gets a message that says, hey, boys, welcome to the Palace of Pussy. Nice. Jessica and Amy are too busy eating each other out to respond

right now hope to see you guys out tonight i was like i'm done with this wow i was like i'm done like this is stupid that sounds amazing what do you mean those people were probably never yeah old and like dudes welcome to the palace of pussy, I mean, that's one of those things that people don't say in person. Those are things that only exist in the internet. Exactly. It's a bot that just put two pretty words together. Dude, I remember one time there was a sex party going on when I was probably around 19, remember one time there was like a sex party going on when i was probably around 19 and i walked into it and uh like this chick was just getting double teamed by like my two homies and i was like what

is going on where was this oshkosh uh yeah and i was like look over at my friends i'm like wow this is bananas and uh so like i walk i walk in i'm like oh and they're like avery get out of here i was like okay and i'll walk out and then i oh. And they're like, Avery, get out of here. I was like, okay. And I walk out. And then I come back in. I was like, hey, do you guys want a Taco Bell? Do you think Taco Bell's still open? No, let's talk about what the fuck I just saw.

And they're like, Avery, get the fuck out. But then I see that girl. You can't look at her the same if you've seen that. There's a difference between I know what happened to you and I watched it happen to you. Right. That's like the thing. So she worked at, she was a cocktail waitress at like a bar nearby campus, you know, a little bit away.

But I went over there maybe six months later and I saw her and her, she looked at me. I looked at her and we both knew what we were like thinking about, you know, we're like, oh, I know you. And she's like, oh, that's like, that's Avery she he saw me get double team like i wish you would have joined i know well i was like this is insane and then i like co-call i was dating my son's mom at the time uh before my before my son was born and i'm just like you are are not going to believe what I saw today. Who's having orgies in college? Yeah.

I was like, what's going on over here? But yeah. Who organizes that in college? How do you organize that in college? I think it was more an impulsive thing. You know what I mean? I think that was. Like everyone for a pregame. Yeah.

One girl started sucking dick and then everyone was just. This is insane though. That is nuts. And then I have this lady on facebook and she's like a mother of two now um i wonder why yeah but then it's like i mean who am i to judge though you know what i mean yeah teacher as long as everybody's having fun right i guess but then i always think so this is my problem now as an older guy you know i'm 31 now i always think i'm just like what happened to you that makes you want to do your dad now yeah exactly imagine if you had a

daughter you'd be like what if i had a daughter you think i'd be out in these streets dude uh you know i would not be on any dating apps you'd have a pig at fenthouse i would be well that's like i always joke about um like with my with my son like i don't care what sport he does he can do whatever he wants he needs to do something to be active physically active you know uh but i don't care what it is if i ever would you let him fight i don't want him to but if he wants to then he he can but i feel i my biggest thing with him is like hey man i did the hard work let's have some fun yeah i like but i don't want to and i want to get back to the what you're saying before um the girl sports i'm high as shit right now i'm so sorry if this is all over no you're

good because i'm trying to focus right now because i wanted to get to that make sure i'm on 85 milligrams i literally was like all, what were you saying before? So I can come back to it. But now I'm trying to remember what we are going to. Uh, I talked about my son. Uh, Oh,

you did the hard work. Okay. You did the hard work, but there is like, it's dude, it's on like the Rogan podcast all the time. It was like soft men make hard times, hard times make,

I don't want to, whatever, but like, I know, I don't, I guess. Okay. My biggest thing is brain damage we know so much more about brain damage uh than even when we were kids dude oh yeah like like it's all come and i know i'm impulsive i know sometimes i get a little crazy uh and i hate that about myself and i know's not me. I know that's my brain trauma

and my own personal trauma throughout my own life. Yeah. And if I can take that away from Ali... Yeah, no, I get it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I just know he can be the best version of me. He can still get a good life lesson.

Right. And even training martial arts. He doesn't have to be kicks to the head. He can be training martial arts i want him to train because i feel like you just want him to do the actual fight okay yeah i thought you meant like just no training nothing like that no no no i think he should train i think every person should train i want um because it's incredibly hard and humbling uh but the the concussions and especially like when you're training for a fight,

more in the early days than now, but it was just like, okay, you want to fight in the cage? Well, you're going to fight here 100 times before you fight in the cage. Would I be too old to start doing any of that training? Fuck no, dude. We got this guy, Jimmy. He started training on his 60th birthday. He's a fucking beast dude

Fair No He'd kick my ass Yeah he would Right now But like you know You train for a little bit Yeah

Okay back to Sports with your kids He goes I don't care What my son does He needs to do something But if I had a daughter I think it's where it's going She's gotta do certain sports

Yeah so my son needs To do something Yeah But if I have a daughter Like she's training Martial arts Every fucking day that's not where i thought that was going no no no she's like she's training every day she's training weapons she's training hand to hand weapon she's training everything that's gonna be a fucking samurai of a woman dude i'm to make a fucking no victims up in here, dude. No victims up in here, dude. It's like the time she can walk.

She's not getting walked into any time. No, she's going to be throwing knees, elbows, guillotines, knives. Any kid tries to pull a move, just a quick elbow to the. I know. That's going to be a lot of like felony charges. You know, what are you going to do? Do you know anything, any damage to the face is a felony? Really?

Seems inappropriate. I could be wrong a little bit. What if you slap somebody in the face and then give them a bloody nose? No. So that clears up on its own. I mean, like breaking a skin. Any breaking, like cut? Yeah.

Interesting. Scratch them? I believe i believe so yeah like they bleed wow yeah because my buddy punched someone in the nose outside of a bar as he was bouncing because he threw a girl against the wall like that kid deserves more than what he got you throw a girl against the wall yeah in front of three bouncers this kid's three times the size of you he's like if we put me and you together and then another you oh geez and you throw a girl against the wall in front of him yeah well i i feel like he cut his cheek open too and he got a felony yeah he was in jail for four days wow dude but he got unlucky he went

to jail on a thursday night technically friday morning you can't see a judge on a friday you're there thursday night friday night saturday night sunday night oh that sucks i guess i got in a similar situation when i was like 22 or 23 um and we were my brother and i were walking home from the bar and we saw this guy throw a girl into um throw like threw her on the ground like threw her right on the concrete and then like i fucking just sprinted at him and double-legged him into the k or into the wall uh next to us like the building next to us and i just started fucking smashing him dude i was hammered i was so hammered i was hammered my

brother scared the shit out of me right now i know i'm sorry i my brother was like dude you fucking freaked out i don't know i was like i know i'm sorry and uh but like i double-legged him threw him into the building and then just started like elbowing him in the face and then uh like it was right on the main drag of oshkosh it was like during the middle of uh i forget what was going it was like the first week of Oshkosh. It was during the middle of I forget what it was going. It was like the first week of college, so everybody's going nuts. So these cops, luckily there was this cop who worked out.

I think I told you this. I worked at Anytime Fitness during college. And there was this cop. Am I looking at what I'm going to look like at 31? Maybe, bro. You're looking into the future man i don't want a six-year-old kid how old are you 20 about to be 26 oh i was already a dad by the year age

oh i was already a dad by a few years at that point um okay back to this oshkosh oh yeah so i smash them uh so i smash them up against it and then there's this cop small town right it's very small town. Just a college town, really. But like minus all the other things. I'm not a huge fan of Oshkosh. What's that? I'm not a huge fan of Oshkosh. No, it's not the best.

I mean, it was fun for when it was, but like I would never go back there. Yeah. But so like I go there and this cop who also trains that works out at the anytime fitness. He's the cop on duty with his buddy, his cop buddy. And I'm like, yeah. Oh, hey, man. He's like, dude, get the he's like, go. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm just like I was like this guy attacked this girl. And then the chick like had my back. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, just threw me on the concrete. She's like all concussed and a fucking scrape on her head, you know? Jesus. I know. I was like, dude, what are you doing?

But then Ian, I probably shouldn't say his name on the podcast. Don't say his last name. I don't remember his last name, thank God. But Officer of Oshkosh. Maybe we stop saying the town, too. All right. Good God. Just bleep that out jake from west

alice yeah we got jake from west alice he let me go and uh but yeah he did he's like dude get the fuck out of here but then so he comes in so i was working at the anytime fitness so when you were talking about the guy the cop coming in like i remember that long hallway uh the cop came in it was um the cop that i did from the gym i already said his name ian it was so ian fucking walks in in his cop uniform i'd never seen him in his cop uniform before that day at anytime fitness so the next day i'm at anytime fitness he comes in his cop uniform with his hat the whole thing and i'm like but i only see the silhouette of him from the door i don't see who it is i'm like oh shit they're coming for me right now they're coming for me and uh my boss is there i told my boss about it that morning he's like oh shit

so he'd see the cop he's like oh no they're coming but then we see ian and he's like dude last night was wild he just comes in he's like last night was wild i was like yeah dude just came in to catch up he's like bro you got out of there so quick you were so lucky and you beat the fuck out of i know it was crazy that was like uh and my brother's like bro that was insane and uh but okay like my brother is how old your brother he's like a 34 now he's a little older than me. But so, dude, my brother and I were at a B-52s concert with my mom one time. And my brother, we got in a fucking wild fight at a B-52s concert because it was my mom's fault. She gets like hammered. But not in a fight with your brother.

No, no, no. I got to tell the story from the beginning for it to all make sense. So we're in Cape Cod. My mom lives out in Boston with my brother and her live out in Boston. And so we're in Cape Cod. We're watching the B-52 concert. Fucking awesome venue right off the beach. But so we rent a hotel like a block away from a block away from the theater that they're playing at.

The venue that they're playing at. And my sister comes in. She brings a bunch of edibles from California and she's like, hey, I brought these. And then we're all hanging out on the beach. I took a few, you know, because I like to fuck around with those. And I take a few. I pass out at the beach

and it's like 11 a.m. And then I wake up and it's like two in the afternoon. Two in the afternoon? I slept for three hours on the beach it's amazing i look around how burnt dude i was so high and so hot i was like my skin was falling off and my nose broke my whole nose i remember doing this like this and it was like a snake skin my whole nose came off and i was like that is gnarly i'm gonna die of cancer

oh 100 you're gonna get um if the brain damage doesn't get you first i know one or the other the brain or the body um but what was i talking about oh yeah so like i was in the fight out of this weed coma i look around my family's just gone from the beach i'm like oh shit and i'm like i'm in boston dude i don't know where the fuck i am and uh i look around i my family's just gone from the beach. I'm like, oh, shit. And I'm like, I'm in Boston, dude. I don't know where the fuck I am. And I look around, and I'm like, well, I guess I'll just go back to the hotel. Because I left my fucking phone and everything. So I was like, well, I'll go back up to the hotel.

I go into the hotel. It's 2 p.m. Concert's at 8. I look into the bar, just like into the main lobby room. I look over the bar. My whole family is there hammered and it's 2 p.m i'm like oh shit and i go walk over by them and my mom is a loud italian woman okay just a loud italian woman uh very physically you think i'm physical you think i'm

physical when i'm drunk you should see my mom bro uh but this lady is just hammered. And we're like, oh, God, we just got to keep mom alive. And so my sister is just like, well, let's give her Jager bombs. And I'm just like, okay. And I'm not really drinking. At this point, I'm still fighting. So I barely drank when I fought. And I think I was in the middle of fight camp, if memory serves correctly. So I was on a strict diet. So I was like, I can't can't drink so i was like the sober but i was high as shit the whole

yeah but so i was like the sober one you know and so we finally get my mom to this concert and my whole family my brother sister and my mom are just belligerent drunk right now and my mom is listening to the b-52s which is her favorite band for fucking ever you know she's a 50 year old woman this favorite band since like the 60s 70s and so we get there and she's like cutting through everybody and it's like an older crowd it's like 70 year olds they're getting upset they've been there for a while and mom cuts through to get to the very front And she This lady Like grabs my mom

Asks my mom She just puts her hand on her And she's like hey don't cut through us And then my mom like full on Grabs her grabs her with her nails And everything It just escalates it entirely And then the woman's husband grabs my mom

he's like hey stop let my wife go or something simple like that yeah my brother goes and gouges the guy's eyes with his thumbs dude yeah dude i know i know entirely and then touch my mom i take your eyes like this hold on i'm gonna put the mic down bro fucking takes him down i'm like oh fuck and then uh i'm like no. And then my sister, dude, my sister is a fucking beast. She one shots. She one shots this woman that like touched, touched my mother. OK. And like to see a one shot. One shot. A wife.

She's asleep before she hits the floor. Fucking Conor McGregor, Jose Aldo style. Just the good dunk just sleeps her. And I'm like, oh, no. And I'm style just just sleeps her and i'm like oh no and i'm like just sitting there i'm high as fuck right now everything's being slow yeah i'm like oh what is happening so then i see my brother just continually like well once the guy is so far he doesn't stop fucking gouging the eyes out and then he just keeps going and i'm like i gotta break this up and then i like get on top of my brother and like i just put him i don't even put him in a truck i just put him in like a headlock and he looks at me and he looks at me like the with

these eyes like i'm gonna fucking kill you and then like i pull him towards me i was like you need to fucking calm down and then he's like okay we got out of there and then dude check this out this is the craziest part so a bunch of people get involved fucking cops come in uh like everywhere dude everywhere like a bunch of them uh at least like a half a dozen cops and they separate everybody and the cops didn't kick us out because we technically didn't touch anybody first. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

So we got to watch the rest of the concert. I'm feeling horrible about all of this. But also at the same time, I was like pumped up because like I saw my mom after the whole excursion.

My mom had gotten cut and like not even cut, but just a little scratch. A little blood drawn. I saw her get cut. I just looked at the guy. I started freaking him out, I think. I was like, oh, you hurt my mother? I won't hurt you.

I was just staring at him. The whole time, the cops are like, there's cops in between. Did you get kicked out? No, nobody got kicked out. Okay, so we had to turn in our wristbands so we couldn't drink anymore. I was like, that's probably a good idea. And then, so I'm telling my dad. So my dad is my stepdad.

But he and my mom divorced, right? But he's still my dad because he raised me. I don't really. My my birth father is dead. But so like my dad, my stepdad, I call him up and I tell him this whole story. He's like, yeah, your mom gets a little wild when she drinks. I'm just like, has this happened before? He's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. A few times. It's like, oh, really? He's like, oh, yeah. See, that's why I'm not there he's like oh boy he's like and then i tell him about force he's like couch the eyes out huh that's a little excessive wouldn't you think it's like yeah that's like a video game move like how do you want to kill this person it was so brutal it was so i was i was like i felt bad for the guy like i did why how how was that your first decision like that's was so i was i was like i felt bad for the guy like i did why how

how was that your first decision like that's what i asked him i was like of course how do you go to yeah he's just like well i didn't know what else to do and i'm just like anything anything kick him in the nuts elbow lick him lick him kiss him on the mouth dude let. Let's get weird. Couch his eyes out is your number one instinct. Just playing for keeps. I know. And so I remember my breath. So that happened five, six years ago now. My brother and I got in like a physical altercation about two, three years ago.

It was basically over a bunch of drama that i don't want to get into on the podcast but it was like we were both in the wrong uh it led to a physical confrontation but i do remember uh like he pushed me and then it was on but then he like grabbed my dick right away and i was like oh bro you grabbed my dick now it's fucking on you know what i mean like i was just gonna i was just gonna like you know hold him yeah and tell it like you got my dick but then he grabbed my dick and i just fucking double a dude i've moved so fast like i've never had the better a better double leg than that because i knew like a double leg takedown where you just take him down to the floor you know because i

knew if he was gonna play for keeps because I saw him gouge that dude's eyes out so he's going to I thought you're going to say after a while he went for my eyes and you were just like dude man what's with this fucking move no no he went for my dick dude he went for my dick and he fucking starts grabbing it he's mixing it up bro yeah he's I mean he's he knows his he knows his angles his sensitive spot spots but dude, dude, I, like, took him down, and I put him in a bulldog choke, which is basically just like a head choke, you know, where you're choking him out. And we calmed down, and I'm like, dude, what the fuck?

Why did you grab my dick, dude? And then, you know, he's just like, I didn't know what to do. I was like, you need to do jujitsu. You need to know what to do. You need to take a second before anything you need to just chill out and i remember like sitting with him at the airport and uh like being like you need to join a jujitsu gym you cannot eye gouge people and rip dicks off in a physical confrontation because guess what you are so lucky you're not in prison already you know like if the cops had any sense you would have been put in jail five years ago but for some fucking reason

the eyes is like more baffling for me because it's just straight like right you hear about dick stuff i guess i just had the fear of god in me yeah when he grabbed my dick because i saw what he did to the dude with the eyes so i was like i know this guy plays for keeps you know and that was my first thought i'm like uh we ain't going there it can't be that good though if the man still has his eyes yeah i guess that's a good point i did because like let's be honest i did rip him off pretty quick though okay i was gonna say let's be honest if like i went for your eyes and i got there i could do some damage almost instantly how sensitive that's what i always think you just think about ah ah. Sometimes, okay, like I do jujitsu a lot, right?

But even doing all the jujitsu I have, like I'll sit there and I'll be like rolling with somebody. I was like, this would be a lot easier if I could gouge him with a fucking eyeball right now. You know what I mean?

That'll make him move his head that way so I could get his arm in and put him in an arm bar. Where are we at with time? I don't fucking know know how long do you usually go in an hour dude we did an hour and 11 minutes really it feels good i feel like we're getting lubed up how long do you usually go an hour you go an hour so we're over boy we're over already should we keep going we can do you want to do like do you have a fun story a fun story like on what story? Like, on what premise? Any premise?

I don't know. Yeah, you're putting me on the spot right now. I know. Fun story. We can talk about comedy. We didn't talk about that at all. Comedy? Yeah.

I like that, though, that we really didn't feel like we had to. We don't, yeah. I see you as a friend and a comedian. There's people that are just comedians. No, I appreciate that. I do, too. But you're a friend and a comedian there's people that are just comedians no i appreciate that i do too but uh but you're a friend and a comedian so it's fun to just shoot the shit about right that was i was saying before when you got here what bothered me about the one guy at the show on friday in chicago where he just kept talking about his comedy career it's like listen i'm all

for like talking about like that we like doing this. But I also want to do this because I enjoy it. I know. And then, so, like, when I go to a green room, I would like it to be like, hey, we're a bunch of comics that like having fun. This should be a fun experience. Why are we talking about work at work? We should be talking about youth and age.

We should be talking about AIDS, the Jews, you know, how they should live. All that shit. All the fun stuff. I'm sorry should leave. All that shit. All the fun stuff. I'm sorry. All of it. Every once in a while, work is going to pop up, but it bothered

the hell out of me. How about instead of talking about what we all are thinking, it's like the small talk that comedians have. I don't care what your scene looks like in bumfuck Arkansas because I'm never going. Sometimes people just feel they need to say that because they need to feel validated that they're working towards something. But I hate it when people, that's their whole identity is them telling other people what they need to work on or what they're working on.

And like, this is what I'm doing. This is what I'm doing. I'm doing this today. i'm doing this is what i'm doing i'm doing this today i'm doing this tomorrow i'm doing this next week you know it's just like yeah that's cool man but like what else is new yeah like do you have a life outside of work well that's like one of the biggest blessings i think with oliver with my with my son is I have to, not have to, I'm choosing to because it's the best thing in my life. Being a father first and having all those

experiences with him, all those life experiences with him. By the time he's 20, he's a young man doing his own thing, I'll be 40. That's one of the best things about having a kid own thing i'll still i'll be 40 that's one of the best things about having a kid when you're young is i'll be 40 i'll have over 10 years invested in to stand up comedy and then i can really hit it hard and let's be honest i'm gonna be on all the

steroids uh so oh you're gonna be yo yeah i'll be fucking going dude you i could so see you being cast as a villain in like a Marvel movie. I fucking hope so, dude. Yeah. Great with this mustache. Hell yeah, dude.

I said, uh, when I had, uh, Matt Nielsen on, I love Matt. You know, he's going to help me do a cooking show here and we want,

I want you to be the first guest. I literally want you to be the first guy. I told you. I know it's not straight out of Ikea, but I was like, you know what I want? I want to be Robin. I don't like, I don't need to shoot this. I like, you know what I want? I want to be Robin. I don't like, I don't need to shoot this.

I don't need to be Batman. I'm going to be Superman. I want to be Robin. And I have, I think I got the frame for it. A little shorter, smart ass. Yeah. You look like a young boy. Yeah.

Young boy. I mean, I grow the beard out a little older but it's a little little short baby face though yeah oh dude if i go baby face baby face it's not as bad in the summer but if i'm like pale white baby face oh yeah it's like are you 12 are you a gerber baby i could be but i want to dude robin would be a great no one's done robin i don't know if you're into any of that like like in a cooking show no i want I want to be like Batman and Robin. I want to be Robin. You like you identify as Robin.

We are on two different planets right now. What do you mean? Like you want to dress up as a Robin? No, like if I could play anyone in a movie. Oh, in a movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I said you could be a villain.

You could be a villain in a Marvel movie. I feel like I could be like a young My god, yeah, yeah, we could do the origin story Exactly you're like a beat cop or whatever it's called. Yeah, dude I You could definitely play a cop in any movie. What kind of superhero would I be? Deadpool. Deadpool? Yeah, probably.

Have you seen Peacemaker by chance? Is that the John Cena movie or show? No. I can't take him seriously as any actor. No, bro. You got to watch it. It's amazing. You will get respect for John Cena as an actor in this.

Really? No. What is it on? I promise. It's HBO. It's so good it's like one of the best shows ever but there's this guy john uh barons always tells me i'm vigilante there's this character in the tv show uh peacemaker and vigilante is just like this

super nerd but assassin guy uh but it's yeah i i identify you could be like yeah you i see it i see it i don't know what else you could be you'd have to be the smart ass like as well what about uh i always like the punisher but he's too serious yeah i guess yeah he's way too serious but you kind of have you have the aggressive look yeah dude john what's his name john burnthal or whatever dude that guy he murdered it he murdered yeah he i've been i've been actually re-watching it they dropped it on netflix or not netflix uh disney plus and that's on disney plus yeah but you have to like set up a whole new profile for it so like 18 plus or whatever okay um i was like there's no way i know but they because disney bought out marvel

they just put all their old shows yeah oh they've had it for a while but yeah i've been actually re-watching that show too seinfeld i re-watched it the beginning of this year oh yeah that was my favorite thing growing up it reminds me of like it honestly reminds me of like sundays 6 p.m hanging out with my dad my dad as. Me and my dad on the couch. I played Catch Outside. It's like the summer. And then you hear whatever. I can't mimic it now.

But the transition music in between scenes. And then you hear that. I'm like, oh, it's like dinner time. My mom's making food. My dad's on the couch with ice water. It's fucking gin and spray. And like a dip cup. And watching Seinfeld. I'm like, I think I'm gonna have to shower and do my sheets.

I left a packet of these. They were close. He didn't eat them, but he saw them. He's like, oh, what are what are those? Because they look like Sour Patch Kids. And I'm just like, oh, that's actually like just some medicine I use to fall asleep. And he's like, what do they taste like? I'm like, oh, they actually taste gross. Yeah asleep and he's just like what do they taste like i'm like oh

they actually taste gross dude and he's just like really and i'm like i know they look like sour patch kids but they're so gross like sometimes i can't it tastes like that cherry tylenol yeah and he's just like yeah instantly he won't touch them yeah instantly but like thank god because like but these are also childproof. Like, these things are pretty hard to open. Yeah. I don't think. Oh, yes. Dude, when I got the one from, I bought edibles in Michigan twice when I go to my roommate's cabin.

Oh, yeah. But the bag, it comes in, like, I don't know if I have the bag anymore, but it, like, it takes some force to open these bags. Dude, I love it. It's like childproof Ziploc. It takes some force to open these bags. Dude, I love it. It's like childproof Ziploc. I'm glad they do it that way because I feel like if I left them out and my son just saw them, he'd be like, Sour Patch Kids, you know?

Yeah. He didn't know. That's good. He's old enough now. And I don't feel like you leave them out. No, no, not regular. I did, though, once. And I was like, oh, fuck.

I can't believe I left them. Yeah, it's a good thing. I mean, if he was younger and just would eat things, but I also might not have the grip strength to open it up. I think one of my friends, he had his dog eat an edible once on accident. And he fucking had a heart, like not heart attack, but a panic attack. Oh, I believe it. And it's like they took him to the to the vet. And then they're just like, did he eat anything?

He's like, I think he ate one did he eat anything? He's like, I think he ate one of my edibles. He's like, he'll be, he'll be just fine. Yeah. Do you think a child would know if they were high? I don't think they know they were high,

but I think that they would be having a panic attack because it'd be a feeling, you know, and there'd be a feeling of like unfamiliarity and that would make you panic you know because like that's i mean that's essentially what happened with the uh with the mayans they would eat these lily pads that had like all the same chemical components as like dmt and cybicillin like mushrooms and everything and then they'd get all these crazy visions and then they'd be like no dude god told me to kill you and then they'd kill somebody and then you dude, God told me to kill you. And then they'd kill somebody. And then, you know, that's like how they were in their whole civilization.

That's very interesting. They'd eat lily pads like dudes. What was that? The whole thing with the toad. Like these guys will eat. Oh, yeah. Lick the toad. How much of that like we could we're going to have to wrap this up.

We're going to do this. OK, you and I will do this. No, we're fine now, but we'll do. Otherwise we're going to do this. Okay. You and I will do this. No, we're fine now, but we'll do this for three hours. This kind of shit. But how much of that do you think is like bullshit and fake? Like, Oh God told me to do this.

They still saw something like our brain sees this now. Like how much do we actually know? I mean, now like how much do we actually know i mean i think without books the internet and a paper trail of a collection of others people's experience when there's like seeing like oh these people have experienced this when they take this yeah these people have experienced this when they take that uh but if it's all just hearsay and you just take something and you have no idea why you feel the way you do you could for lack of a better reason say it was um say it was god you know if you don't have the science like the yeah the data like i mean you

know sometimes you get visions that's what they say what uh the same chemical DMT gets released through you when you sleep, but also when you die, right before you die. And that's why you see the pearly gates, because it's just like having this crazy, crazy chemical reaction in your brain. Yeah, everything is a reaction. All right, so that's just the reaction you get when you take that. The reaction we get when we take when we take broccoli or spinach is health reasons your body feels better and then we're like that's healthy

keep doing that what's to say like eating a lily pad hearing a message isn't healthy oh right yeah because they did because that's just a reaction because they did it more than one oh you have broccoli we do my you do? My body feels good. Oh, I did this? My mind felt clear. Is that really that much of a difference? I don't know. Yeah, I suppose it's not like they did it once.

It's not like the chief of the Mayan village ate it once, then killed three goats, and then was like, well, that was weird. They did it multiple times. Yeah, and then ate it a bunch of other times and did nothing maybe they saw i think they i feel like they saw it as like a uh pathway to to heaven you know a pathway and it really is like for lack of a better words like psychedelics are a pathway to another universe it can be heaven what they would describe as heaven uh or like god yeah we just see it as like different worlds now i mean we still don't know what sleep is like why do we sleep where do we go when we do all this i could talk about for

hours and we would get nowhere because we have no answers i know it's funny i almost to the point never want to know because the minute you know It's over I know I've always been curious about those things You're curious I was like what's the reason You just gotta make up your own Because the minute you know The reason

This isn't fun anymore Do you think so Okay if you found out You were in the matrix And would you okay if you found out like you were in the matrix right and like would you stay in or would you go out or would you have as much fun in the matrix knowing that like you were anything is possible within this yeah but then eventually you'd be like all right what's the purpose of the matrix right because there's a purpose for everything there has to be a beginning and end maybe like the downfall of the metaverse maybe that's interesting like think of it this way if you knew the ending to the movie is watching the movie as enjoyable if you don't know the ending that's a good point that's a good fucking point

like i hate sports movies that i know the ending to like it was like oh the whatever michael jordan documentary or docuseries i know how this ends is it good i haven't seen that i've seen like two episodes i don't i don't care but like sports movies in general like money ball or i don't know so pick us 30 for 30 like i know how this ends i get like it because it's real life you'd like to know the nitty-gritty but like it's not as fun as if you're like a dramatized story if i knew the ending to it like if we watch inception it's a i think great example and i was like this is the ending and then you watch to be like this isn't interesting anymore that's true there is no wonder there is no wonder there is is no wonder. There is nothing.

Okay, so here's the difference between a TV show and a movie. I feel like a movie, there's only two hours, three hours tops to fill in the blanks, right? So if you know the end of a movie, then it's not as much wonder, right? Because it's just like two, three hours. it's not as much wonder, right? Because it's just like two or three hours. But, for example, my ex-girlfriend, she knew that she didn't watch Game of Thrones,

but she knew that Bran became the ruler, right, at the end. Yeah. That's all she knew from the show. That's all she knew, that Bran became the ruler. Doesn't it bother you a little bit, though? So she said it bothered her, but because there were so many great moments within the story itself that she didn't have any idea about that it was worth watching and we watched all eight seasons together um which like to your point

some of it life is it does take some of it out but if you're looking at life like a tv show it's still worth it to explore all those things. But for me, it bothers me a little bit where we can use Game of Thrones as an example. I knew, spoiler alert, Jon Snow doesn't die or comes back to life. So every time he died or whatever. You mean the one time he died or whatever or like the one time he died. Well, like the one time he died or like, hey, he got super injured. Oh, is he going to make it?

I'm like, that suspense is just gone. Oh, that makes sense. I do remember when because I watched it live as it was coming out. Yeah. When Jon Snow died, I was like, this show's fucking bullshit. They just killed my favorite character. My life was upside down. I didn't start watching until the season after that. snow died i was like this show's fucking bullshit they just killed my favorite character yeah my life was i didn't start watching until the season after that and then i started from the beginning

but i was like i know this is coming right right right like that sucks like or like have you seen friends no actually i mean i've only seen like a few you've seen like okay new girl yeah i'm like spoiler alert again but nick and jess get together yeah if i told you that on episode two you'd be like all right i don't care what any relationship she's in ever or that he's in ever the megan fox one that i was like please work out when i hate megan fox in that show um for a while i really like her she's just so hot but she's hot but not in that show but i like to i'm more of a zoe day chanel girl than she is oh jess got so annoying and like the second

the last season i was like this is it's too much like it was bothering me but if i told you they got together and then you have that super serious one with megan fox like a known personality that came in as a character who you could seriously see as being like, oh, this is who he ends up with kind of thing. Sure. You're like, what's the point of this? That's true. I mean, it takes away.

But wouldn't you enjoyed the ride? Like, I would hope so. Yes. Because you've seen pictures of the Eiffel Tower. Wouldn't you want to go to the Eiffel Tower? Yeah. You know what it looks like. Yeah. Kind of. I know a 2 what it looks like. Yeah, kind of.

I know a 2D version of it. Oh, I suppose, right. But like... No, but I get what you're saying too because it's like, hey, if someone came to you and you've been with like your significant other for four years

and you're about to get married or whatever, like a wedding day and some like genie came to you and he goes, hey, this ends in divorce in six years do you want to go through with it damn but you're going to be super happy for six years five years five years and you were super happy for the last four do you want to give up five years damn or do you want to just make it miserable now

i think most people like no i'll take the years like i think it's maturity too when you're like when you look back on a relationship and you're like hey that didn't work out what look that didn't work out and but you were happy for a while and now you're like you're on bad terms we're like you know something like like if you could take that away, would you? I think the mature people like, no. Right. I think when you realize. Without downs, you're not going to have ups.

I mean, so like the fact that you are happy, the fact that you're this sad means you are this happy at one point, which means you can get back to that point. You just need to find a way to stay at that point for a prolonged period of time well that's like a good i mean personal experience of mine is like this last relationship i got out of i mean it was the best relationship the best person i've ever been with like uh person i connected most with um i had rushed into a relationship with her which i think inevitably led to its demise because i just exited another like a five-year relationship but i gotta tell you i dated one girl for five years i did this other girl for two we split up five six months ago i care more about this girl that i did for two years way more than i ever cared about the girl and i loved the girl i did it for five years yeah but like the two-year relationship i had

with this girl with this woman uh was the most eye-opening experience of what love should be and like what it means to me and like what i want out of it and uh i wouldn't give that up for anything even though it's been the most it's a lesson that's that's maturity as you realize it's a lesson yeah it was man and uh so i guess like in that it's like dude fucking go for it man because those heartaches suck it's fucking suck i mean like that's honestly why i've been like laying low comedy wise is just because i've just been an emo-nemo. Well, I think people say there's three in your life. There's your first love.

Sure. Some people, I guess yours is five. Then there's the second one you think you love that's going to hurt the most. And then there's the one, the three. Interesting. Kind of thing. Now, that doesn't mean you should have three people in your life. There are people in between there, like hookups, like a month, kind of like,

I'm fucking around, I have no idea what I'm doing. But you don't love them. But, like, there's three major ones. Sure. I have to pee so bad, I need you to end this with a quote. Not a quote. I'm lying. That was before.

Say whatever you want until I i pee and then we'll just all right uh oh keep talking while you're peeing i'm just gonna keep talking okay uh well you know treat everybody good uh on a serious note be good to the people that love you and because the people that give you love sometimes are the easiest people to dismiss because they're vulnerable with you and it's easier to dismiss them but the people that give you love are the people that you want to have around because good love is hard to find and uh yeah i'm high as shit right now man we got on a weird note today um uh michael's got a lot of good bowls in his uh kitchen he's got a lot of good glass tupperware um but yeah man be good to people be good to people um say please and thank you Love your parents Wipe your asshole

I peed so I hope I don't have to wipe my asshole Yeah hope you wiped your asshole Or your pee hole Sometimes I leak dude That's what you gotta look forward to This was a good podcast I feel like we got a lot all over the place We were all over the place

Should we end it? How much time we got? An all over the place. We were all over the place. Should we end it? How much time we got? An hour and a half. Fuck yeah, dude. Let's go Rogan style. Let's get 3D. I'm just kidding. All right, I'm out of this.

Okay. Thank you, buddy. All right, see you guys.