Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.55 - He Who Shall Not Be Named

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

happy cinco de mayo

Did you know? This is how we tell them. That was recorded, right? This music has to go off, otherwise we're not going to hear anything. What's that noise? Do you hear that whistling? Yeah. That's Jake's bedroom.

Is that the wind? Yeah. So he has some very poor insulation. It's not the windows? Dude, they are as closed as clothes can be, and it's just... I mean, it sounds like the world's best whistler is coming from his room. Yeah. But it's really just the weather.

It's the weather, but, I mean, it shouldn't sound like that through your windows. Clearly, there's a gap somewhere. Oh, well, I don't know what we want to talk about. a gap somewhere oh well i don't know what we want to talk about i don't either i don't know we just said i didn't have a list prepared um i don't think your mic's on it's on is it test test test test oh yeah there you go i just need to get working before no i need to fix this stuff i'm not really good at my job you're the guy i know but like it is what it is who cares i'll just just talk up i'll just hold my mic like this yeah just talk into the microphone that's the only thing i can ask i can do that thanks for coming down though it's a pleasure

simply just for this new apartment how nice is this place beautiful uh we got the industrial feel going i know um but it's been over a year since i know it hasn't yeah i was the first episode of fat chance no you weren't yeah you were episode you were episode two first one in the garage of fat yeah but we told this story what story so you said you had a chance buddy oh yeah you but i thought about this just when you said it was like i came with nothing and last time you said you came with stuff and all it was is like why is every girl i talked to on tinder you know yeah that was it or that you fornicated with um we're not but i haven't it's been it was like that's the thing i did and i was like i just knew her did i yeah you knew you fornicated with her

just one though just the one just one yeah um i am so sorry you know she no no that who yeah we went on one date and it wasn't fine so it's i'm not apologizing to her i'm more apologizing to someone else that's gonna listen to this and it's probably like i really don't want to hear this right now so we're moving on miss yep no no okay no no names that is the one thing and it is no i already said it sorry i probably talked over you and i'll just okay it's not like an i'm by no means ashamed at all. It's the one thing in my life that's like it's a private thing. Like if I'm going to share my life on this stuff.

Right. There are certain things that like people don't need to know about. Right. And it's not like I'm ashamed at all. It's just this is a me and you thing. This isn't a me, you and the rest of the world thing. Well, that's why I told you.. This isn't a me, you and the rest of the world thing. Well, that's why I told you.

I don't want to reference my new company and my first name, Jack. You know what? It's, uh, it's been a pleasure, Billy. Tell me Teddy,

Teddy. I'm going to, you know, a bunch of different names. We could say so many names and I could throw your actual name in there. And although we, so we did just say you're the first episode of Fat Chance, and so they could just go back and look. And I really don't care if people hear my first name during this,

but if you list it, people search for it. Just don't make it like Michael. Don't care. I'm not. Thank you for just putting your name on there. That's fine. We are three minutes in, and we have already talked about, oh, God. Doghouse.

Everything we should not have talked about. I'm already in the doghouse. Great. I'm sorry, Tabitha, for mentioning your name. Yeah, that's all right. No, it's just like a, that's my one thing. I'm like, she didn't ask to be out in public, so I'm not going gonna bring her to the public

kind of thing she hasn't been on it no she will be she will be in like three weeks okay that'll be a fun one well regardless i'm happy for you thank you i'm very happy i'm very happy yeah it's. It's, it's weird. Yeah. It's weird. Especially for you. Yeah. I'm never having children or getting married or no, I want children. I'd like to be married, but it was just like,

I was so good at being alone. So good at being alone. Not like I was out there just slinging dick. Cause I wasn't like, I was so, if, if I were terrible at it, like I just, yeah, didn't didn't i wasn't even talking to

i wasn't interested in people um but yeah no it's it's one of those things where like life is so good right now for me that i'm waiting for something terrible to happen it is like because it's a balance that way but i'm waiting for something terrible i mean i've thought the same thing like i haven't had much trouble in my life like it's been pretty easy going so when is it going to happen but i think we just be thankful in the meantime oh i'm very thankful and i and i think i think life is great now because i'm actually doing stuff i want to do i don't feel like i'm like, oh, I have to do this. I'm going through the motions.

Having that realization, you could do whatever. It sounds so cliche. It sounds so cliche, and I fucking hate saying it. I can literally do whatever I want. I mean, I might die early if I do exactly whatever I want. I still have to survive. But I'm actually just doing stuff I find enjoyable. Yeah.

It's fun. It's weird. When you do stuff you like, you weirdly have fun. Yeah. And if you, like, I know you're doing it, but, like, when you start making big money, like, that's going to be. Oh, my God, it's going to be even better. I'm going to be obnoxious. I'm already obnoxious now well yeah but if i make money like money money doing what i

want to do you're gonna be like we like honestly michael we've had enough of you this these two days were enough we'll take first it started like oh when you get big like make sure you remember us little people but now it's gonna be like leave us the fuck alone like don't talk about us or mention us yeah please shut the fuck up we don't like we don't want to be associated with you anymore that's what's tough is like when i want to do this and i'm like guys we have great stories together and our some of my friends like i have a life that like i can't tell those stories well that's the thing like i have i have an episode where i just literally couldn't put something out because she's like i'm a teacher yeah that's like i told you why did i don't want to mention my current company just because in like in case they do a little quick google search well you told them you're

doing this no oh but they're kind of anal about like social media presence and shit like well you don't really have one so no i don't yeah find me on at nothing because i'm not there yeah i can't tag you in anything good which is i mean it's fine so i like check out and i'll just have to do johnny rocket no you can do just just toast just just check out toad top check out toad check out toad this week mr tooth what Mr. Tooth. What's the weirdest one you've gotten for your last name? Probably Tooth. Tooth?

Yeah. I've gotten Cook. Where do you see an O in my last name? Well, I know, like, C-U-C-K. That's like, uh... That's a name. C-U... That's just Cook. Mine's one less C and an e yeah but i've seen it

imagine your last name my name was michael cuck yeah and then you're like telling everyone no it's cook i promise yeah i promise i would just be like i'm i'm michael like madonna that's it if my last name was cuck, I would just drop it. Hey, you know what we're doing right now? What? Adventures of Mike and Michael. Adventures of Mike and Michael. I'm down. Adventures of Mike and Michael started with Bang Vodkas.

Yeah. Icelandic vodka and then this Bang. This is the worst flavor. I've come to the conclusion. You made a terrible decision. I did. So I've come to the conclusion. You made a terrible decision. I did. So I've come to the conclusion that anything peach mango flavor. I love peach and mango separate.

Juice peach mango, delicious. Okay. Because actually, it should be just juice, peaches, and mango. But flavored peach mango, anything, always tastes like brunettes. I feel like I'm at a frat party. I'm sophomore in college. Well, right, and the bang probably by itself wouldn't be too bad, but then you added vodka, so.

No, I think it's because I put it on ice and it felt like a drink. I'm like, this is just an energy drink, but it's fucking gross. Wait, where's your drink? It's right here. Oh. Is's your drink? It's right here. Oh. Is your ice melted? It's starting to melt. I might just need to water this shit down.

Should we just pound it? We could, yeah. This isn't even all. We still have bang left. We haven't talked about anything. No. Well, we don't have a list of things. We don't have anything to talk about.

So I'm hoping this isn't like a 45 minutes and you're done kind of thing. No, it'll easily be an hour. It's not going to be long or hard to talk for an hour. I don't really have a lot to talk about, though. Yeah, you do. I mean, I. Do you have anything fun happening in your life besides Johnson and Johnson? Johnson and Johnson.

You work for the vaccine company, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's a trap. It's a trap. Yeah. OK. Don't do it. Johnson & Johnson Johnson & Johnson You work for the vaccine company, right? Right, yeah Yeah It's a trap It's a trap? Yeah Okay Don't do it

Don't do it I work in insurance now Johnson & Johnson's getting into insurance? No, no, no Like, I work for an insurance company No, I know I'm just, I'm playing the game I get that

But Do you like it? Honestly, I do Really? Because it sounds That's what I's what i want to put a bullet between everyone that i say like oh i work in insurance now they say that like that sounds miserable but it's actually really interesting yeah it doesn't sound you want to know why yeah i do want to know why please tell me why. In insurance, I am a claims adjuster, which also sounds miserable.

Yeah, you're not really appealing to me right now. Right. So, like, basically customer service. But behind the scenes, I have to understand all different types of insurance policies. Also boring sounding. Like, I'm trying to sell it. Yeah, try and spice this up for me. So, like, I started in January, and I learned how to read insurance policy.

And now I'm dealing with our insureds, other people that are claiming like damages to their vehicles, bodily injury. Some of them hire lawyers that I have to negotiate with. Like I like they're asking for $300,000 worth of, like, pain and suffering payments, and I have to be like, no, you're getting, like, $10,000 worth of medical bills, and that's it. Like, I actually get to, like, talk to attorneys and negotiate with them, which is kind of cool. But also I'm just, like, calling people on a regular basis, learning about different types of insurance policies.

It's really interesting to me. I know I'm not selling it to you, but probably anyone on this podcast. Do you have health insurance? learning about different types of insurance policies is really interesting to me. I know I'm not selling it to you, but probably anyone on this podcast. Do you have health insurance? Do I have it? Do you do health insurance? Okay. I handle car insurance, house insurance. Because I have to get health insurance here in like 16 days.

What are you turning 26? I am turning 26. Holy shit. Yeah. isn't that crazy yeah nci like i have i've had my own health insurance policy since i was 23 that's why i can't well you've been 40 since you were 18 so you uh that's why i can't do what you do is because i need it like when's the last time you went to the doctor That's not a talk about that Okay

Well I went to the doctor a lot last year Because I thought I had testicular cancer Oh No it's okay It's a great 8 minute bit now It's great I thought I felt a lump on my nuts Apparently it was just the normal anatomy of my

testicles and you mean like the the epid no it's like the epidemis yeah we learned about that in like seventh grade yeah i didn't listen i've never listened in school but i thought i felt like a like a legit lump and i'm prone to cysts okay and i checked myself often to the point where it like it hurt like i couldn't sit for a long period of time you were checking yourself so much it hurt yeah and i'll keep it short except tell the story on here before but this is new to me basically sorry i don't listen every when i wait talking to your microphone one more time test test okay test, test. Okay. Yeah, it is on. We're good. I don't know. I'm just, I'm off. So when I went and got checked, she's like, I don't feel anything. Where do you feel lump?

Wait, she? Yeah, she. Oh, trust me. Oh, and she's dyslexic too. Okay. It was great. It was great. So sex daily.

was great so sex daily she uh she she goes where do you feel the lump to which i made a motion with my testicle in front of this grown-ass woman and she went like yeah i was like what was that and she goes don't move it like that i go why she goes they're not supposed to move like that i go oh move your testicle dude i mean dude i was playing testicle tetherball like it was i was beating batting these things around like this it's up top here in the back dude i did like a twist motion with your like this my fingers like three guys like it's up top here she'll stop like she goes i feel that pain and i don't even have these i was like okay and she goes that's probably why they hurt is because you've been putting them in a fucking pretzel like i could

have done some serious damage to him yeah and i knew i fucked him up because i went to urologist afterwards because she like referred me to one and when he like fondled my balls uh i was like dude this you're so gentle right now. And he literally, as he's holding me, he looked up at me and he's like, yeah, this is a sensitive area, man. It's like, I'm learning that now. Why don't they teach us that in seventh grade? Dude, his two diagnosis for me were like, you're fine or you're congested. I go,

I was like, what the fuck do you mean? And I'll like in the joke, I was like, I have two dyslexic doctors, but I was like, uh, I needed some explanation.

I congested. She goes, if he goes, if you haven't released in a while, I was like, Oh, okay. And I was like, this is my, I was like, you have a cold, sir. That's why while. Oh. I was like, oh, okay. That kind of congestion.

And I was like, this is... I thought, like, you have a cold, sir. That's why your balls hurt. I was like, do you know how rude that was? Like, I've been in here for five minutes. You've heard the two wise-ass jokes I've made because I was uncomfortable, and you've seen the shape and size of my penis and testicles, and you're like, you don't fuck.

He's like, honestly, by the looks of this, you're probably not having sex. At least you're getting some action from the doctors, though. Yeah. In the same week, I was fondled twice. That's more than me. That week, I was fondled more than I was in the last eight months. Sounds about right. I go on droughts, droughts, droughts.

Like, droughts. Like droughts. Well, I'm just not like a huge hookup person. No, neither am I. That's why we're here. Yeah. I feel like she's really not going to like this podcast. Should we start over? Oh, boy.

Yeah, that's all right. Vodka bangs are feeling pretty good. I'm getting, this is, like, I'm just getting used to the flavor. It's like I'm a frat boy all over again. It's like, oh, it's just Burnett's Pound of Dime. I still don't know why you like that flavor. Pledge, drink. Yeah, pledge.

Well, I don't like the tea-flavored anything. Well, no, there's plenty of other flavors. There weren't plenty of other flavors. There was this one. Yeah, but I don't like whatever you got. you get candy crisp apples sour heads sour heads no that just it's like sounded sugary it's well it tastes this sounded refreshing okay i want like the light version of this like watered down peach mango with some water in it no or it could just go to the manhattan no i need to finish this bang watch my heart come out of my chest and then we'll do the Put some water in it. Or we could just go to the Manhattans.

No, I need to finish this bang, watch my heart come out of my chest, and then we'll do the Manhattans. What time is it, by the way? 7.15. Oh, that's good. Hey, you closed all your rings today. Good. That's pretty good.

Do you want to do some training? I don't think you would take me seriously if I trained you. Do you want to train me? I give you workouts, for sure. You pay me a dollar a workout. I'm not going to pay you anything for a workout, but I'll try your workout. If I get a thumbs up, that would be cool. I'll give you a thumbs up.

That's fine. I give you workouts, for sure. I'm having fun with it. I mean, I have my own workouts that I do. Yeah, um i mean i have my own workouts that i do so yeah i know but i have my own workouts i do too i like giving people new workouts um if tom ever listens to this i kind of just make him up on the fly all right tom um but i know what he wants he just wants to like gain muscle and wait it was a good feeling today like looking at him i was like he mean i told him like dude you're actually bigger like i see definition your arms if you've seen any progress in your clients yeah so people have had for a while like kind of so tom and like gaining muscle it's way easier to

like gain weight and muscle in my opinion because it's way easier to just eat and then stop eating so if you're eating the same amount and you're lifting you're going to get more defined versus hey i want to lose weight i can't control what you're eating at home so for him i mean i should i should have brought the sheet back with me today, but I have a list of his maxes, so I know where to start his progressive overload workouts. I was telling, I think you and Jake, his squat was 90 pounds first time. I was like, let's see where you're at, 90 pounds.

This man's crooked as fuck too. I don't know how to really fix that but he did he's 20 turns 21 tomorrow happy birthday tom happy birthday tom but he uh on wednesday he squatted 185 twice that's a hundred pound difference well a hundred percent too yeah and he's done today was his 21st session with me now granted i think like oh you did that in that many days i think no i didn't do that his body can do it his body just didn't know he could do it i like act it's like waking your body up that's kind of what we did. Yeah. I remember when I first started lifting, we would like your legs go the quickest legs quickest.

Well, we were like doing bench press probably twice a week. And I remember my max is like every single week would go up by at least 15 pounds. Yeah. And so it was in the beginning and then you plateau hard, hard. Yeah. And I told him that I was like, listen like listen wake up learn what you can do and then because he gets excited when he increases anything i go listen i'm not gonna push your max

every day in the beginning i'm gonna do it because your body's waking up but i'm not gonna push it every day and he goes why i go because it's not healthy yeah you need to recover you just need you need to recover for one but you also just're working out. It's just the physical exercise alone is fine. You don't need to always, like, if you get into the mindset, like you're not gaining muscle if you don't push up more weight, that's so wrong. That's so wrong. So, I don't know.

He's doing great. Like, I mean, he's increased everything. We have days where, and I don't tell him when I like push his max. Cause he doesn't know his, he doesn't pay attention for shit. And so I'll just give him a weight and be like, Oh, this is what we're starting with. And he'll rep it out. Cause it's so mental, so mental if you're new to it. So I'm like, Oh, here's we're skull crushers, the whatever. I'm like, here's we're skull crushers the whatever i'm like here's 40 pounds

he reps out 10 easily first set and last week his max was 40 pounds four times i'm like that was easy right he goes oh yeah we can go up to whatever my max is i'm like okay i don't tell him i just go up to 50 he does that struggles for like eight and i'm like let's try 60 and does that like six times he goes do you think i beat my max you go you beat your max on the first set dude like he goes really i go yeah it's a mental battle with you it's such a and that's like with everyone too like i mean still with me like i don't know what my real max but if you like like if we went back well the thing is too is like i am there to watch him so he can't get hurt i mean he theoretically good but like he's not going to drop it on his face because i'm going to catch it

like bench if it was just me i'm not going to push it so i don't really know what my max truly is because if i can't get it up you're dead not dead well and i don't the supports i don't really like because i think it's true more than i probably should well like i trust the supports but like if i truly bring it down to my chest that's the support like i've gone past the support kind of thing so i'm not actually doing the lift so or no i bring down to my chest is above the support kind of thing or otherwise i can't bring it all the way down and i'm not doing a full lift so or no i bring down to my chest is above the support kind of thing or otherwise i can't bring it all the way down and i'm not doing a full lift so like i take them off which isn't great it's not great we need to stop talking about lifting yeah get yoked we can get yoked i am gonna

get yoked doing this jujitsu shit though i'm really jealous about that. I feel like every Joe Rogan comedian, wannabe comedian fan ever, being like, I just did a jiu-jitsu class. Every podcaster basically does jiu-jitsu. Now you're... So here's the thing. I make fun of them, but I don't make fun of them. I was like, it bothered me a little bit. Is that water?

Oh, that's your bang. That's my bang, but it's melted. That's why I asked if you wanted to pound them. Oh, yeah. Because I have no ice left. My mom wouldn't be proud. Wouldn't be proud? No. My mom's not proud of me.

Actually, I think she is proud of me. I think your mom is proud of you. I know. My mom is proud of me, but she wouldn't be if she saw me pounding vodka bangs. Well, that's why I can't list my full name on this. Jiminy Crickets, just drink it. That's a good name. We'll just call you Jiminy Crickets.

That's cool. So this jujitsu thing. Yeah. I did it yesterday. Humbling as fuck. But also like punching like mitts someone and doing the kicks someone who knows what they're doing with it so satisfying that in jiu-jitsu what's up you did like punching and kicking in jiu-jitsu as we started with so we started with just the mitts just boom boom boom

like jabs crosses and hooks and then a few uppercuts because that's like like mma mma stuff yeah that's not quite because i told him i want to do both yeah because i i got you okay um he's one of my good friends now like one of my favorite people i've met through comedy and then he brought like the leg stuff out so we're doing kicks and stuff my hips i need to open up they're bad super fun that's the one thing i learned doing mma for but but it's it's humbling as hell but so like i used to like everyone and their mother podcasting comedian did jiu-jitsu stuff it's the joe rogan effect i get it i wanted to try it i've always wanted to try the mma thing before even like i didn't like joe rogan in college because i thought like

it was a trendy thing yeah and corey's like you got to listen to him like no fuck that um it's an amazing workout and once i did it i have a little bit of an addictive personality i understand how addictive it is because he's like there's this move there's this move you can do this you can do that right it's like a puzzle to me it's this move you can do this you can do that right it's like a puzzle to me it's like oh you're here how do you get here kind of thing and i like and i'm asking questions and stuff like that and like i'm i'm old like i think as you get older you're no longer ashamed of being bad at something right you're like i just want to learn so i'm like i'm generally like hey that wasn't good i need to do this better. He goes, yeah, you're right.

Like, do this better. Asking questions. I'm like, dude, I'm coming every Friday. Like, we're doing this until, like, I'll never be able to beat, like, Avery at all. But it's intense. That's the thing. Like, that's why I wanted to get into it was self-defense. Because I'm sure we all remember that video of me getting punched in the face at W. Actually, I don't remember it actually happening. I just remember the video the next day.

Well, I don't remember it happening. I woke up in between two beds. I was like, where am I? There was a kid in college who like said, Oh, I just like, I took one jujitsu lesson, like put me in a headlock and I'll show you how to get out of it and so i'd like just put him in a loose headlock and he like like wrapped his body around mine put his fingers in my hip joint and just like ripped me back and i was like that hurts i'm going down so i was like i want to be able to do that no matter what happens yeah now in my head i'm like i hope someone gets me into like this position that's what you got to be careful because. Cause then you get cocky. Yeah. And then no, but I know actually knows what they're doing.

Like fucks with that. That's that's, I will never. And I told, I told Avery, I was like, I'm never going to be the one that like, I want to fight people. I literally just,

I like it for the workout and I'm a little more versatile than as a trainer too. Sure. So I know more things. It's fun. it's genuinely fun you feel like you push the limits of your body kind of thing and i like i genuinely enjoyed it it was a great time and it was just like him and i and he's like we're doing this like learning new stuff is genuine that i'm interested is genuinely enjoyable yeah i think for everyone if you're interested but like it's i liked it and you get some aggression out too like hey kick it as hard as you want like

kick this bag like especially that guy who's experienced and you're not you yeah honestly go as hard as you do that was that was take it until he's such a weird feeling like the best way i can describe first time you do anything like that and you roll with them yeah i want to do it it's like getting in a cage with like a rabid animal but like let's say you're let's say you're your limits better than but let's say like your own dog that's been you've had this dog for like 10 years your best friends with your dog gets rabies okay and it's now rabid that's it like you know it's a friendly but it's rabid right now and could kill you like that's what it's like and he told me i was like

what because we're gonna roll and he's like what i'm like what do i do he goes try and kill me yeah everyone's like hey maybe pin me where he just goes try and kill me that's how you know they're like good i'm like i don't even know how to kill you. Well, that's the thing that I've learned just by listening to people that do jujitsu is, like, it's all about bridal power. Like, you don't want people to know what you can do. Yeah. Especially if you're going to use it in self-defense. Like, you don't flex it.

You just wait for someone to mess with you. That's why I like. And then you can just, like, put them down. Those guys, too guys too is like, they're the people who aren't getting in street fights either. Well, for the most part they are, but if I know I can fight worst,

worst case scenario, I can fend for myself, but they do it for themselves. They don't do it. So they're not doing it. It's like, Oh, I'm going to go look for street fights now.

Like that's stupid. And they do it. So if they do get doing it as like, oh, I'm going to go look for street fights now. Like, that's stupid. Right, yeah, yeah. And they do it so if they do get in a street fight, they're not going to, like, maim the other person. They're just going to put them in a submission and, like, make them calm down. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. I had, like, no bang.

Do you want to make the Manhattans? What is it, Manhattans, right? Yep. Jerry Manhattans. Jerry Manhattans. By the way, do you know how make the Manhattans? What is it? Manhattans, right? Yep. Jerry Manhattans. Jerry Manhattans. By the way, do you know how happy I am that this camera is no longer orange?

Very happy? Ecstatic. I gave it to, because I know nothing about these cameras, but I gave it to a guy when we were in Arizona and I filmed the giant penis costume episode with Sam. And I was like, Hey,

like take pictures of the night. Like he's a photographer. I don't have my camera. I'm like, use these. I have three of them here. I have four of them here. I was like,

Hey, if you can change the settings, so it looks better, go for it. He only changed one and they're all fucking. And it was so orange. Did it make the pictures look better at least i don't know i didn't i didn't look at any of them and any of the pictures i was in it was me

holding a giant cock that's it sounds about right that seems right up your alley i mean i was compensating for what i do have so yeah a little micro micro yeah micro Michael. That was a good looking directly at your crotch now. I know there's nothing there. Yeah. That was a, that was such an ongoing joke. How many times do you think I said it? A micro penis? Um, too much.

No, it's like, dude, we get it. You're not confident, but not at all. Just kidding. It was so much that Tomei, I remember going up and being like, do you really have like a – I mean, if you joke about it that much, no one's really sure. No one's sure at all. Okay, so make – this is your camera.

That's my camera. I'm going to do like a cooking show. You're going to do a little cooking show. All right, but I need two hands to do it okay so i will hold the microphone i got it all right all right so we're making cherry manhattans tonight thank you everybody for joining us we've got some uh to start maker's mark, 46 French oaked. I don't know what that means. Finished with 10 virgin French oak staves.

I thought it was 21 virgins. That's my job. Say it. I need a jigger. Jigger. Jigger. Jigger. I said jigger. Just stop saying it. Jigger. I said jigger.

Just stop saying it. All right. We're doing two Cherry Manhattans. I think, what is this, two ounces? Yeah. Yeah. And then the other one is one ounce? I don't, like, stop asking me questions.

You're the bartender. You were the bartender, too. All right, so two ounces of bourbon per drink. One ounce of sweet vermouth. Spill a little bit. Okay. This is when good people would, like, edit it together. I'm going to do absolutely nothing to this video.

That's your own demise. Some cherry bitters. Those look really clear. Yeah. I don't know what the difference is between cherry bitters and regular bitters, but it smells good. And then we've got some badabing cherries i love that noise i like to put some little juice in there juice in the mix i like that um okay use your fingy wingies for do you have like do you need a stir yeah okay Yeah. Okay, hold on. No, not a stirrer. I just need, like...

Do you have, like, skewers for the cherries? Just use, uh... Here. Use a spoon. Oh, okay. So we don't need... Okay. You can use a spoon.

We are gonna need to switch back so I can, like, make sure I get the same audio for each mic. Right. It's okay. Well, I'm not ready. Oh, I guess I can... Do you want me to hold it again? I got it.

Here. Oh, my God. It's okay. Well, I'm not ready. Do you want me to hold it again? I got it. Here. Oh, my God. You almost just broke the entire podcast. Well, you don't need to hear us shake. What's that called when you get the really good audio asmr asmr yeah you don't want to do that for the no that's like when that's like when people eat i got both microphones right now look at this i am double fisting mics right now um yeah i could do an asmr video just

me eating on sundays i eat so. I eat so much food on Sundays. I eat so clean during the week. Sunday happens and I'm a glutton. I will eat anything. It's all carbs. Sunday is just carbs. I eat very little carbs during the week.

Ooh, I like that. We're getting real fancy on the Fat Chance Podcast. Do you think this is going to taste good? Take your microphone. I think it's going to taste great. Are you done with your bang? Not even close. I have half of a bang left.

Don't do that. That would be gross. All right, Fat Chance Podcast. This is the Cherry Manhattan. Cheers. Cheers. S-S-Cheers. Oh, sorry.

I forgot. We can do that. S-S-Cheers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's stiff. It's beautiful, though. I liked it, though. Yeah, that's stiff. It's beautiful, though. I liked it, though. It's not too sweet.

Like, you get the cherry. Well, I was so used to the bang that I'm like, that actually just tastes like liquor. Yeah, it is liquor. It's two ounces of bourbon and an ounce of vermouth, and that's pretty much it. Should we find a cigar bar tonight? Yeah. I think if I had a cigar right now, I would throw up. I would probably fall asleep in like five minutes.

I feel like I can't sit down much longer. So I think after this, we 100% have to go at least downstairs and play some games. Sure. Bring the music down there. Do that. I don't like not having music. This is the one thing I miss about the garage is I can have music playing. During the podcast?

Kind of in the background. You can't do that here no because they can hear it it's such close quarters so these microphones are right here that they would hear it versus i could have it in the back by the door in the garage and it feels so long since i've done one in the garage so long but it really hasn't and it just didn't feel like a quiet room. Like, if you and I just stopped talking like this, it's so quiet. Michael.

Who do you miss the most from college? Hunter can't be your answer. No. Sorry, Hunter. No, I miss everybody. No, let's burn some bridges. Who do you want me you want me to pick one person one person like if you could hang out with anyone for a weekend right now dude i'm doing it oh no honestly like i always tell people like i went to i went to uh madison for college and then I found a job in Madison so I could keep hanging out with my college friends who were all a year younger than me, which was you, Corey, and everyone else pretty much.

But then everyone moved away after one year. Or had children. Yeah, or had children. But we love Cal. Oh, he's my favorite kid. Yeah, he's a kid. Here's the thing. I feel bad. I, or had children. But we love Cal. Oh, he's my favorite kid. Yeah. He's a kid. Here's the thing.

I feel bad. I'll let you continue. I feel bad for their next child. No. No, I do, because I will never love him the same. Yes, you will. Or her. No, it's...

If it's a girl, you probably won't. But if it's a guy, you'll love him the same. If it's a girl, I think it might be equal, then. Just because it's one of each and that sounds so creepy but like a little bit yeah but like all right one of each if it's another boy's like listen cal's already here like what do you like what do you do listen like the surprise already happened like you're planned like go fuck yourself um to child number two i'm apologizing now i will definitely love you but my god child love you

but my unofficial god child i will always call him my unofficial god child like are they doing i think that he definitely has a godfather and it's definitely not me but they just haven't told you but it's like cory once when they first announced their pregnant i think as a joke he's like and you're the you're gonna be the godfather I was like, all right, well, in my head, I'm now his godfather. I mean, I gave him a gun for Christmas. So, you know, he ate the bullets. He ate them? Yeah.

Or he chewed on them. I think he chewed them. Yeah, he didn't swallow them. Because that would probably lead to an emergency room incident. But, like, it's just something about, like, it's the first one. room yeah incident but like it's just something about like it's the first one like he's the first so i all of my all of my friends that i care about like really care about first one to have a child he will have a special place like he is callum the kid right gilbertson i mean it's a wild wild west he's the kid he's like a gunslinger the nickname the kid he's billy the kid he's got a

gun too no um but i will say like i have four nieces at this point and you like cal more than all of them well so i i was gonna say um my the my sister that's closest in age to me just had a kid and it was a boy and i've held him like four times and I already feel a deeper connection with the male child than I have with all four of the female children. I feel like, cause you know, you might relate to him more probably, but I might be able to teach him more or something like that.

And it might be cause I like, I'm closer to the, like my brother-in-law that had the kids. What is that, though? Just like an instinct or whatever? I don't know. Even just in general. I want to teach you what I know kind of thing.

Yeah. It sounds like you can't – I feel like you can't feel bad about it because it's like an instinct. All of a sudden, I hold Cal. I'm like, dude, I can't wait to give you a beer. Right. And not in a bad thing. Oh, yeah, I've gotten fucking flagged on TikTok. Go TikTok.

TikTok. Go fuck yourself, TikTok. But it's just instinctual. I'm like, I can't wait to show you things. I think it is because it's like you hold a girl baby baby and you're like, okay, this is a girl baby. Here you go. And then you hold a guy baby and you're like, I'm going to teach you how to hunt. I'm going to teach you how to kill.

Yeah, okay. But this is – okay, so this is where I think it might get a little deeper kind of. This is where I have the – not a problem, but like how i know like this planet like our lives aren't terrible is i think everyone that like wants to one give back to their parents you could everyone's like oh i'm i'm depressed i'm anxious i life is terrible right now but they're like if i ask them what's your goal i'm like i want to repay my parents yeah do you know how contradictory that is that means you're so thankful for them bringing you to where you are now first and the same thing goes with like when i hang out with cal i'm like i i can't wait to show you things that's how i know what i'm doing like it gives you perspective

saying like what you're doing is actually so enjoyable like you should actually instead of like complaining about like the little inconveniences like you you know in the back of your head you love what you're doing or like the fact that you're alive and get to live kind of thing they're like i can't wait to show you all like this is how you should i want to make sure you have it even better than what i've done you want to learn from my mistakes all that so it's easier right and then it just should be easier and easier and easier generation it's like it's a weird thing but well and that's why it makes it honestly makes me appreciate what i'm too deep but like this is empty like i don't want to say like meaning of life like what is that like to live

to live but like to enjoy it pass down actually that should be that's going to be my question now because i what is what is your meaning of life that's what everyone's trying to figure out but i don't think there's an i think in my head like what is your answer everyone has a different answer mine is literally to live. There's no meaning. If you knew, I talked about this with Avery last week. If you knew the answer, there's a good reason.

There's a reason we don't know the meaning to it. Then you take away the fun. If you knew the ending to a movie and then I put the movie on and I'm like, hey, enjoy this. You're like, I know all the sense. Why would I sit through this?

Yeah. You're right. You have to make up your own story. Like the reason you're here. You have you make up the meaning as to why you're here. Well, and like not to get too deep or religious, but like in in like Christianity, that's like a big part of your life is finding what your vocation is like yeah finding out what you're meant to do and no one really knows but try to figure it out and you're meant to do what you like something that you're happy with like you can say

like this is what i'm meant to do yeah that's i think that's everyone's biggest challenge just find something they like enough i mean like and feeling like you're meant to do this. I don't think I'm ever going to feel like I'm meant to do anything because I do not think I'm that important. Although at the same time, I think I'm the shit. And everyone should get to know me because I am so cool. You can leave now if you want. Yeah, I was going to, like,

It's only 7.30. We've done a few minutes, though. How long do you think we've been doing this? Not a lot of... 43 minutes? Holy shit. Yeah, isn't that impressive? We haven't talked about anything.

We haven't talked about dick. We haven't talked about... There's been no solid conversation. You've got to give me an extra 15 minutes. That's totally fine. Totally fine. Not that I have anything to talk about. No.

But, like, all right. We'll do the meaning of life. I'll give you... You have 20-ish minutes to figure out what your answer is. Or what you think. So, I actually, like, contemplate this on a regular basis. No, no. I don't want your answer is. Or what you think. So I actually like contemplate this on a regular basis. No, no. I don't want your answer now.

Well, okay. It's going to be the same now or. I don't care. But like then we're just serious for the next 30 minutes. All right. Fine. Fine. Okay.

We'll talk about like penises for the next 20. Yeah. I don't want to talk about penises. I don't want to talk about penises either. We already talked about your balls. I know. My balls are fine. I'm confident in my piece, so.

I'm not. I got nothing down there. I'm micro, Michael. I'm like 5'2". And I'm looking at your crotch again. Why do you keep saying that? I'm 5'2", 120 pounds, soaking wet, maybe. No, you're fine.

High sex drive, low output, questionable future. You got a girlfriend? She's pretty? That's all that matters. That's the first time it's ever been said you have it no it's been said it's been said it's gonna happen she's gonna be on here in like two three weeks we already talked about her i know i mean i they didn't pick that up from the first five minutes yeah all right so if we're waiting on that that, let me pick your brain on something. Okay.

It involves females. Okay. Yay. I am notably single, as you know. Yeah. Which is surprising that I beat you out on that one. I'm not surprised. I'm picky.

So am I. When's your last girlfriend? Was it... A year ago and then February. A year ago? A year and two months. When did you date her? Did I not know her?

Two months. Two months. Okay, that's why I didn't know her. I knew her for like a year, but then we dated and then it ended after two months. Before this one, my last one was in high school. Yeah, but you had things. Not really. I had a disaster.

All right, well, this is kind of sad again. The only relationships I encounter are sad. Okay, Dr. Michael is in session. Okay, Dr. Michael. So, me, new at my job. Oh, all right. Don't dip your pen in company ink. Michael. So, me, new at my job. Oh, all right. Don't dip your pen in company ink. Stop.

It's a thing. That happens. It's fine. And now I don't want to talk about it. No, I want to hear it. But just for everyone else, it's a professional job, different. If you work at a bar or a bar or restaurant definitely or anything in college do not dip your pen this is like adult company ink although because it goes poorly difficult

um so and i can never tell her that i did this podcast but all right so me, working, new office, new team, new everything, learning, meeting everybody, fine. We have a conference for our department. Everybody who works remote comes on site. So a girl from my team who works in Iowa, lives and works in Iowa remotely, comes to our home office, and we go bowling. So romantic. Okay, but bowling was, like, fine. You know when you bowl, you're probably going to fall. It's actually, like, a joke we have.

Like, I introduced myself, and I gave her a handshake, and she's like, why did you give me a handshake? I was like, well, we're being professional. Anyways, this is going to be a – you're going to anyways this is gonna be you're gonna hate this story you guys flirting over like zoom flirting over okay so then she was in town for the week right yeah um next day we had like company happy hour which is a thing at our company it's a thing at a lot of companies um Okay, good. We hang out, have drinks. Like, there's a big group of people.

Fine. We go out after with a group of people from our department. She's hanging out by me, like, the entire night. As girls usually do. Not around me, but... Next night, everyone, like, well... So, first night, everyone has a really good time. We're like, all right, let's do this again tomorrow.

Next night, same thing, like hanging out around me completely like and flirting. And so I'm like, all right, I like this girl's cute. Like, she's cool. She's into me. Like, let's like see what happens. Come to find out she lives with her boyfriend in a house that they bought together in Iowa. That's Iowa. And like I said, she probably can't hear this.

Ever since then, I've been talking to her nonstop, probably more than she talks to her own boyfriend who works like she's a laborer like so he can't really like talk during the day but like constantly from sun up to sundown i'm talking to this girl she comes back she doesn't have to come back the next week but she says like sunday she's like oh i have a a wedding shower on sunday in fond du lac like i'm gonna come back and work in the office again like so we hang out like all week again. She comes in like Friday. I'm the only one in the office. I tell her that. She comes in anyway. Hang out.

Talking to her like I said, every single day. Sun up to sun down. But she has this boyfriend. I don't know what to do. Okay, I have several thoughts on this. Alright.

This is why you can't list my name. I know. So, like, as someone who has, like, kind of been the boyfriend who is in the dark kind of thing, I'd say out of respect for that person, can't do it like don't you would feel terrible right absolutely terrible now on the same like point of view like this is entirely her decisions on what she wants to do right so like if things i know she's interested yeah committed in a relationship wants to move back to the sheboygan fond du lac area or the area where we work not necessarily have so this i mean this could just be the cynic in me,

but, like, once a person like this, always a person like this. So, like, I'm comfortable in this, and I, this is, like, on board, and something new and exciting just happened to show up once, and then they're entertaining it. What's to say, like, oh, she

goes from one to the other, and then she does a conference somewhere else and then find someone else like oh i want to move here blah blah it's not the personality i think you would like in my opinion this is an end game by any means at all like do not bank on this no no absolutely not i think for your mental being too you would hate it you would hate it if you did anything or hooked up with this girl at all and i wouldn't knowing i know you i know you wouldn't i know you wouldn't i would leave that but if you did and let's say you did and didn't know she had a boyfriend then found out she had a boyfriend i know you'd feel like shit yeah um so like this like this i would like this is an off-limits person

yeah it is and i'm not saying like you just have to stop talking to her but it's think of it like if you were her boyfriend no i know i understand like how terrible when he finds out if he does because I'll send this podcast to him. All right, now I feel bad. This is all hypothetical, by the way. This never actually happened. Yeah, I know. Jessica is not real.

I'd be sick if that was her name. It's not. Okay. I think it is her name. It is, yeah, Jessica. But, like, think if you were her boyfriend. How your stomach. But like think if you were her boyfriend How Your stomach

Imagine all of a sudden this came across your thing Your phone He's listening to this Like his stomach is gonna churn You think he follows your podcast? Dude you know how many people follow this podcast? Like maybe my mom Alright

Actually more than what it used to It grows No I know And there's definitely a possibility That he's heard of it No there's not I've only This podcast has only been recognized once

Which was so crazy Have I ever told you that story? No I'll tell you after this but I'll tell you during the podcast but It's just something like No and I Like you can't act on it

I can't No and I won't But So like I don't connect with many girls, females, women. You have a lot of interests, but you don't have, like, mutual connections. Like, connections. Yeah. This is one of them.

Like, it doesn't happen very often. This is one time and again. Now, can I add on to this? Part of, I think, the attraction for both of you is that it's off limits yeah no i don't think you don't like hearing it it is so get over it it is part of it i don't think that's part of it if this girl if this girl was readily available for one yes lived here yes it was like next door to you one i don't think she this is nothing against you but based off of like her personality she's distance away the fact that you're not attainable on a regular basis

she's fine flirting all the time sure she wouldn't be as flirty if you were next door probably at all so it's part of the distance is part of the attraction is like hey this is a this is like how we view aliens like we want aliens to be real yeah because they're like right now they're just out of reach they're not really real to us yet they're like they're close here but the minute they move in let's say you move to Iowa, they're like, back the fuck up. Like, holy shit, this is too real kind of thing. This is a she's bored, I'm flirty kind of thing. Nothing against you at all.

I don't want to know what she, I'm going to ask you what she's saying to you after this podcast. And I will tell you. But yeah, it's, what was I going gonna ask you what she's saying to you after this podcast but and i will tell you um but yeah it's uh what was i gonna tell you i just forgot i forgot but that manhattan went down really nice yeah i have barely had any of it because i'm still drinking the bang kind of uh by the way i'm feeling the bang yeah me too my eyes are propped open anyway cynthia cynthia Yeah, me too. My eyes are propped open. Anyway, Cynthia. Cynthia? Good God.

What was I going to tell you? You said you were going to say something after this, and I can't remember what it was. What were we talking about? This is when we need the rewind feature. We need Jamie. We need a Jamieie yeah you need a producer i'll be a producer i do but you'd have to be here once a week which would be cool actually i would do that i can't wait for the cooking show so we're waiting for matt to finish his short film and then so, I talked about it so much for a while,

but I've never had someone that, like, I needed help. I've never met someone that's like, hey, I want to help you, and also, like, I could be behind the camera kind of thing. And also, I know more than you. And I was like, I want someone to know more than me with the camera. Because, by the way, you just need to know, like, just one step past turning it on, and you know more than me with the camera because by the way you just need to know like just one step past turning it on and you know more than me with this camera um but he's like yeah i would he's like oh this shot would look good this shot here i'm like that's great and he's not the kind of person his

name is matt nielsen very funny comic here in milwaukee okay and like one of my favorite people i've met in the scene um and he's like, I would love it. So many people have been like, I want to help. Or want to be a part of it. But they either want to be like, I want to be on camera. I want to help promote myself. He's just like, I genuinely like, I could help produce a show. It'd be fun.

And like we were pitching ideas. Oh my God, it's disgusting outside right now. Oh shit, lightning. and like we were pitching ideas and oh my god it's disgusting outside right now healing oh shit lightning oh we need to book a tea time for tomorrow too yeah we'll see but he's like the one person like i brought it up and i was like let's do this and then on a podcast like this when we first brought it up i'm like yeah that'd be a great idea. Let's do it. And then we never talk about it later. He's the only person that's been like, hey, you want to meet up this weekend and talk about this show,

talk about producing a show next door, stuff like that. I'm like, oh, you're serious, serious about doing this, like as I am. And it feels good to finally find like-minded people. That's the hardest thing for me with this stuff is no offense been serious about it no no but like no offense to like you guys but i want to do the when i wanted i did the first podcast it's on my phone i did it at the fraternity house they're all like yeah that's it i don't need to do it again i'm like i want to do this all the time so finding someone that wants to do it all the time, it feels good.

It's like, oh, this is what we want our lives to be. Nothing wrong with what they want their lives to be. But I was like, it's great. And it feels good to have those friends now. Yeah, that's good. That's great. I need to finish this before. You don't have to finish it.

No, we do. I was just enjoying it. I like the taste. I don't know what's up with your do just enjoying it i like the taste i don't know what's up with your microphone man is it not like i hate that i'm looking at the line so like i don't know if i talk louder than you know like it can hear you i just have to like up it you see my lines on top yeah and then you see yours well mine only go three quarters of the way oh there we go yeah i just have to hold it really close to my talking to the top that might be it i don't know i kind of wish you just had the ones that are like held there oh i know those I just have to hold it really close to my face. I'm talking to the top. That might be it. I don't know.

I kind of wish you just had the ones that are held right here. Oh, I know. I'm way better at talking to those. Those mice are so much better. I still have them. It's just one of the stands broke. Okay. I like this as I make a face. Dude, I can't taste any booze in that so that's why i make here's the

thing with whiskey i was telling tom this um i should share the rock story with them yeah but tom jesus fuck tom um i i feel like he's too young to be called tom though his name's thomas too young to be called tom though his name's thomas i'm not gonna say his last name call him call him tommy um call him tommy but so tom tom turns 21 tomorrow so when this comes out on thursday turn 21 on sunday yeah and may 1st so happy birthday buddy um happy birthday tommy but i think we've already said it on here but he he's like i'm gonna get drunk tonight so i can't train sunday or monday i'm like that's fine like you i get it like i get it like i don't remember my 21st but he's like when i first heard the rocks thing like he basically i was like yeah i drink whiskey on the rocks and he was like on the rocks

i was like what because yes why would you do that i don't know to keep it cold he goes rocks make it cold i go do you think it's actual rocks top he goes it's not i go no it's ice cubes ice um which is awesome. Like, that's, I feel like I teach him, like. As a 20-year-old, I wish that was me. No, but at 22, I remember your birthday when you turned 22, and I thought you were so old, and now I'm about to turn 26. I want to just, like, jump out the window that I'm about to turn 26.

Well, I'm 27, so. You're 27 now? Yeah. Isn't that disgusting? It's awful. When did you turn 28 again? January. January.

Oh, so you just turned 27. I got a little bit, but still like we're a quarter way through the year already. So in grade school, I hated that my birthday was in May because that was always the last one. I'm like, I'm the young one. Everyone's already 12. I'm only you're now i'm so fucking thankful but also at one point do we stop thinking like oh i'm in this grade like i already don't think so i'm like trying to get to that spot but every time i think like but it's so seven i'm like oh shit i'm almost 30 but it's so ingrained in our head because that's everything. Like, oh, what grade?

For 18 to 22 years, you're like, what grade are you in? Or your entire life, you're like, well, it's a status thing. The younger years, it's a status thing. But now I think about it, and I'm like, all right, I'm about to turn 26. Jake, in terms of grades, my roommate, is a grade below me. Right. But he's born in 96 too. Okay. So he turns 26 this year as well in November.

So in my head, I'm a year older than Jake, but in reality, I am six months older than him. That's it. Like we are not that much. Like our parents fucked six months apart. That's it. Like, we are not that much. Like, our parents fucked six months apart. That's it. I'm blushing. That's it. We're on an hour.

Did you know that? That's cool. We still haven't talked about a whole lot. Yeah, this is... Made in Manhattan. This is such a dumb show. I'm so sorry. I'm not.

I really don't care. This is fun for me. This is all I want is it's fun. I also haven't seen you in a long time. I feel like we didn't complete any thoughts either though. No. I feel like you've thought of something. No. Do you have anything you want to bring up or ask me?

That was what I already talked about about what I wanted to ask you. You're a lady and I gave you my take on it. You gave me your take and it was the same take that I've gotten from everybody I've asked about. Well, I think maybe you take that advice. Yeah, it just sucks though. It sucks, yeah. Yeah. Plenty of fish in the...

Plenty is... We're in a pond. We're not in the sea. Yeah, we're not in the sea. We're in a pond. No, it's all right. I'm used to it. Let's be honest, though.

She dumps her boyfriend, and she lives with him? At this point, yeah. Okay. Then she has to move out. She starts talking to you. Right. You can't visit her because she's still living with her ex-boyfriend. She also is in Iowa.

Her... I can't say anything because I'm doing the D, the long d I mean good for you I couldn't do it I think it's perfect for me right now actually that's good I couldn't do it that's my thing like I don't like I've had the opportunity to talk to people that live outside of like 30 minutes from me and I like 30 minutes I would kill for if she was 30 minutes yes i know but for me it's like i'm gonna date you i want to see you all the time i want to be able to like come see you with like on a weeknight yeah and spend time with you or like no i'm the same way but at the same time i also and i've, I've been like, what the fuck is the point of doing that? Right.

But then, like, something, either you find, like, the right person or somebody who's just, like, genuine. Like, hey, it would be better to be able to do distance with you than not talk to you at all. I understand that. Which is great. And that's, like, so I guess the only experience i've had like before i'm not even gonna consider this a thing but um would be like a like a hinge or something like you live an hour away like let's meet up yeah why would i either even entertain the idea of dating you when you live an hour away. You met this girl

before the conversation would even come up. Yeah. We were in the car. We drove down together. We did a road trip together. I understand that yeah it's tough like you know what here's the thing the best thing when it comes to like relationships is

there is no such thing as good advice there's only good intention okay so and i think that translates into there is no one way for this to work. Like, hey, this is the formula for you to be happy. Everyone has a different formula. Yeah. Because everyone has different life situations going on. Good advice. And no, that's good intention.

That actually might be the only good advice. The only good advice is like, like hey there is no one way to do this there is no recipe the only i think there are only like three two to three things that should be apply to any relationships like don't cheat on each other treat everyone with respect right and like want to be with them that's it it. When did you get so wise, Michael? I think I've always been wise. I was just unlocking it. Honestly,

I have, I think I've matured. So I'm still an absolute fucking child. I mean, well, so am I legit. We had vodka bangs today. Okay. I'm still drinking the bank.

Yeah. Me too. Um, but I, I have noticed, I think it's come with, Okay. I'm still drinking the bank. Yeah, me too. But I have noticed, I think, it's come with me just finally saying, you know, just go fucking try something that you wanted to do. Instead of being afraid of being judged, where, like, I'm now comfortable just being, quote-unquote, embarrassed, that I feel like I have matured so much.

I'm doing something foolish as in stand-up comedy in normal people's eyes yeah but but i feel like i have matured so much we're like i'm happy so i'm like oh i can now at the same time i never want to be the person's like oh i'm happy let me tell you how to be happy that That, I mean, go fuck yourself. I, like, again, because it translates. There's logic, and then there's, like, do what makes you happy. Yeah. And, like, what you're doing, not logical, but I can see you doing it. Not at all.

No. Yeah. And I can see you doing it, and you're maintaining your career, and you're doing fine. Oh, I'm doing great. Like, I'm having a great time. Like, I literally told you, my life is great right now i can't complain no like yeah it this fits me i'm way too logical to do let's be honest this fits me too well yeah way too well like in my head like i got one of my favorite. So fuck,

I was going to say, I keep forgetting what I was going to say, but Oh no, I remember. Okay. Two things. This is how I knew like one, this is like definitely what I want to do.

Two things. Like one, I first time I did stand up, I went in my car and I legit screamed at the top of my lungs. Like the biggest dopamine rush ever ever had in my entire life. I was like, fuck, yes, you did it. Like, I was, like, hype, like, just. I was like, I can't wait.

Like, I could have fucking tackled. I could have choked out a tiger. I was so happy. I love that. I love to hear that. I didn't know that. Then the first time one of my friends came so jake brought emily and i wasn't planning on it and that's when it first felt real like you're

doing this you're no longer doing this in secret your friends know you're doing this your friends have seen you do it right did not do well either when they were there he's seen me since and i've done better and better each time and then cory and ellie saw me and i was like oh this is even more real and i did decently well i did fucking 18 minutes which is for a new comic their first show ever you should have four to five i got 18 and then and then the next group it was i't blame you, it was disgusting weather. And then a group of my friends saw me April 1st. And a girl by the name of Morgan, Morgan Rosencrantz, Jack's girlfriend, was like, hey, that's you.

I've never seen you more. Like, you belong up there. And I was like, that was probably one of my favorite things I've ever heard. I was like, cause I feel like I belong up there. Like, it feels like this should just be this drinking man. My hands need to be occupied.

Um, and I like it. And then I think when I knew, I mean, I i knew before that but this is when i knew i got comfortable with it last weekend i get a call and you actually know this name it's kind of funny so um the day i called you is before i called you um actually it's after i called you oh so i had no one to hang out with last weekend. No one. And we'll tell the story, and then I want your meaning to life,

and then we got to wrap this up. All right. Because I cannot keep editing hour and a half podcast. All right. Meaning to life. Got it. So, I call you. I want you to come do the podcast last weekend.

Sorry. You can't come. That's fine. Avery did a great job. I go and like try and take a nap. I wake up. I get a phone call from like a 262 number. I'm like, I know the area code.

Like Milwaukee. It might be. I was like, is this a client I just didn't save? I'm like, all right, this is Michael. I'm like, which is like the most professional way you can answer the phone. That's how I answer the phone. This is whoever. Exactly.

This is hello. This is Michael. And it's like, it's a guy like, hey, where are you? I was like, who is this this is michael and it's like it's a guy like hey where are you i was like who is this he goes it's zach czar i go no it's not i have zach i have zach's number in my phone like i know zach very well yeah and i is off someone else's phone and he hands it to you your number on someone else's phone i think i don't know if he just like some but then he has it to a girl immediately so i don't know if this like girl wanted to talk to me and she's like this is michael i was like yeah who the fuck is this she goes that was zach or she goes this is zach sorry it's not zach

anymore not anymore i go she goes, yeah, okay. You should come to the heart. I'm like, I'm not going to the heart. Thought about it because I was like, I just kind of want to go out and socialize. I just wanted to go socialize. Well, that's you, so yeah. Yeah. She goes, no, you should come.

I'm like, who is this? She goes, that was Zach's heart. I'm like, who are you? And she goes, that was Zach's heart. I'm like, again are you? And she goes, that was Zach's arm. I'm like, again, I'm out. I'm at lost cause. And then she goes, do you know Matt Nielsen, the guy I was talking about who wants to do the cooking show? I go, I do, yeah.

She goes, how do you know him? I go, we do comedy together. And she goes, really? You do comedy? I go, yeah. yeah she goes you and comedy don't mix do you want to come to the harp which is like being like hey you're fucking ugly do you want to come hang out hang out yeah and I was like yeah I'll talk to you later and just hung up but like for two seconds I didn't like that cop like comment yeah and then afterwards i was like ear to ear granny i'm like dude not everyone's gonna like you but

that was fucking amazing that she knew who you were i was like great and i went back to bed and then i called so-and-so i was like hey how are you So and so I love her already You'll like her a lot I like her a lot She's fun So I've heard Uh huh How's that Manhattan

Gone Okay Eat the cherry though I have to eat the cherry Yeah you have to eat the cherry Don't eat the stem But eat the cherry Oh shit

These I'm like Hit or miss on their taste bada bing that's the way to go i like this better than a regular maraschino that was better oh yeah okay regular maraschino's okay you have 10 seconds to describe your meaning of life okay it's gonna sound corny okay do you have your answer though yeah okay i mean i think about this on a regular basis i don't know how regular okay right normal people would do it what is your meaning of life? Oh, God. I'm going to start, like, turning red. No, I think, so, like, I think I have a, one of my better skills is, like, perception of people's actions and intentions and, like, understanding where people are coming from. Communicating with them so what i want is like i want to have kids i want to teach them how to socialize i want to

especially if they're boys like i want to teach them how to act um towards women towards other men like i want them to be mature but i really just want to like lead by example and show other people the correct way to act in um society so you're a teacher essentially not not in like you're very much yours is like role model right yes so like i understand um how actions end up in different consequences and i want to like show share that with other people and show them how to make the right decisions do the right actions okay follow-up question so to be a role model i feel like i'm sweating okay to be a role model i feel like you I'm sweating. Okay. To be a role model, I feel like you have to live. Yeah.

I have a problem with the 19, 20 year old people. Like I want to be like, this is how you need to be a person. I feel like you need to live. What do you want to do? Outside of telling or teaching someone how to live a good life? Because I feel like you want to teach someone how to good life. Why don't you want to live that good life? I do live a good life.

Yeah. No, I know. But is there something? I think I make the right decisions. So I guess the second question is what else can you do outside of just teaching someone, hey, here's a good path. What else would be a good path for you? That's a good question i i suppose to get

more experience under my belt but but what would be experience for you like do you want to like do you actually want to experience things or like i consider like i i've um like my past jobs i've had like i haven't been happy I want more from my career. And so, like, I volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had a little brother. Yeah. I think that was an amazing experience. You're not with him anymore?

Not anymore. He moved to, he moved, like, an hour away from Madison, and then I moved two hours away from Madison, so we're not, like, anywhere near each other at this point. But, so, like, I think, and that's what I wanted from my career is to be able to make an impact on people and like help people if, if I can. Um, and so I want to continue doing that. And I think the position I'm in now is conducive to that. Um, cause I'm talking to random strangers every single day,

learning about their experience, trying to help them out. So like, I want to keep doing that. I want to keep learning about people's experience people's goals what they're going through and how to fix it and then i want to like i said relay that to another generation and help them figure that out yeah i think that's great i think the only thing i ever worry about with that are the people who always want to help someone else, is that they're constantly hyper-fixated on other people and not fixated on themselves sometimes. Because if you fixate too much on someone else,

you're like, hey, what have you done for yourself lately? Because at the end of the day... I think that is for myself, though. No, in general i think every acts we do any human being does is selfish so like it sounds bad right because selfish is considered a terrible word you're doing something selfish i don't think you okay you give money to the homeless and that's not what i do. I know. I know. But that's just the example. You give money to the homeless or you do something else.

Okay. Why do they do it? It's like, oh, because it helped them. But like, how did that make you feel? It made me feel good

that I helped them. That's why I did it because you feel good. If giving the money to the homeless made you feel like shit, but it benefited someone else, but it made you feel like shit,

you wouldn't do it. No. That's why I don't do it. It makes you feel good. It makes you feel like shit, you wouldn't do it. No. That's why I don't do it. It makes you feel good. No, I just like, I always like... No, I understand. And it's not...

Because... It is selfish. You're right. Like, I want... But I want... And it's not necessarily like a legacy thing. Like, I don't need people

to remember me for that. I just want to do... There'll be so many people laughing at me. Don't even remember me. I want to do good by other people. And I want... It is selfish

because I want to feel good about myself. But I also... You want to feel like you played a beneficial factor in this society. A beneficial role in someone else's life. Yeah, no. I think that's good.

And like I said said it is selfish but it's also selfless and that's why i won't like if if a homeless person comes up to me and asks me for money and i give them five dollars and they spend it on god knows what like is that really beneficial i don't know i'd rather take an active role in their life, lead them in the right direction, help them make the right choices, and maybe improve their life that way. I think that's good.

Deep, sentimental? Deep, sentimental. I don't know. Say something funny, and then I'm going to end this. Michael's balls hurt. Okay, we're done. Goodbye.