Fat Chance Podcast - Ep.59 - Sam & Sarah Walsh

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

Why have one Walsh when you can have them both!

Just a comment. Go for it. Did you know that deodorant is bad for you? No. It's been linked to lymphoma. Is this a joke? No, no, no. I'm serious. Did you know that? No.

You're not supposed to have deodorant anymore. So just go like... So what? I don't want to smell bad. That's like when people say sunscreen's bad for you. I've heard differently. Are you watching those shirtless dudes that are like animal-based diet and then eat like a raw testicle? Oh, like the, what's that guy's name?

Liver King. Liver King. There's another guy. He's like a surfer dude. Yeah, no, no. Oh, yeah, I've seen that guy too. Yeah. No, i'm serious

like like deodorant is bad for you i'm like i'm not gonna walk around smelling like dog shit just because i could potentially die if i'm gonna die i'm definitely going to die and it's not gonna yeah smelling good it's not because of deodorant fuck that well who cares if you smell good if you die i mean you're gonna eventually smell I remember I smoked cigarettes every single day. I thought you said this was a joke to start off. No, it's definitely not a joke. It was a fact. Thanks for the cancer scare, Sam.

This is one of my random thoughts throughout the day that I'll share later. Is it a thought or just weird knowledge you come across? No, it was a thought. I learned it at work. They told me that it was very very morbid but somebody passed away because of lymphoma and they said it was connected to the deodorant she was using

I was like literally went home and threw out all of my deodorant what kind of deodorant were they using? old spice? because then I'm fucked is there any other type of deodorant? I feel like that's it Sarah what kind of deodorant do you use?

Are you nervous? Aquarif. Old Spice. Aquarif. Old Spice. You know how that happened, too? She stole some of mine, and she loved how it smelled, and so she just started buying the same brand.

Does that say more about you or more about Sarah? Definitely more about Sarah. I like to smell good, so I got Aqua Reef. I was like, yeah, I want to smell like an ocean. I don't know what kind they have. It's Old Spice. I got, like, traditional, whatever they use on the commercials. Are you clear gel or the white?

Got to be clear. I have the white. It has to be clear gel. Dude, if you put white on, on i learned this the hard way i used to be a big axe guy remember when that was of course you were look at you look how you're dressed now honestly you look like you use axe now it's like you drink it to start your morning big axe body spray guy if you crisscross applesauce with your axe down a monster and kick a puppy and you're on your way to go oh do you remember that those commercials what was it puppies no no the axe body spray one where it was like he was like yeah it was like double pit double pits to chesty wasn't it like ryan sheckler skateboarding or

something like double pits to chesty but uh yeah i used to use the white axe and it would uh it would stain every single one of my shirts because i would put the shirt on immediately and it would stain every single one of my shirts because I would put the shirt on immediately and it would just be a white stain on a colored shirt. I've gotten the deodorant stains, but you've got to put deodorant on first then put your shirt on. No, the opposite. I was going to say I was doing that.

You've got to also be careful because if you do this and then it just kind of grazes your shirt afterwards. Are you an aqua or you use white? What are you using? Gel, for sure. Gel? Yeah.

Gel. I've been using that since I was 16. Smells great. Double packs? Target? Yeah. You always have to get the double pack. Who buys a single pack of deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush, anything?

Yeah, right? Yeah. What the fuck's going to Target? Just being like, I need one singular toothbrush. If I'm going to Target to get all that, I'm like, I want nine of them so I don't have to come back for nine months. Actually, how long do you use a toothbrush for?

That's a great question. I also have the thoughts. How long are you supposed to have a towel for before you wash it? Sarah's never going to talk. She's just going to be, we're going to flash to her face being so judgmental. It's like a week.

Let me tell you this. Most people, I don't know about you two, wash their towels like at most every like two weeks me i do like one week toothbrushes are you like an aggressive toothbrusher yes maybe mine like if i saw your toothbrush right now is it like it's flat like honestly it's more like a tooth like it's like a paint i'm saying i'm painting the toothpaste on me i'm not brushing and so it's been nine months it's oh it's been no it's been since i moved in here it's been three months can i bring you a new one i have a new one i just don't want to open the package okay because then i once i open the package i'm like now i got like the loose package and i know i'm about to have to go to

target again so i was like just don't open them wait so how how long are towels you know when it starts to get a little like musty no i'm not gonna be able to do this sitting next to you. You should know that smell. That's literally what you smell like. No, apparently that deodorant is doing wonders if he can't smell the must. Okay, so how long? What about sheets? All right.

That's once a week. Please. No, mine's every two weeks i do it you actually wash your sheets every two weeks yeah i am so proud of you i don't even think i do that yeah but that is fantastic pillowcases for sure because like oh yeah my deepest fear you know what the most disgusting one of the most disgusting thing in the world is when you go to have a sleepover at one of your friend's house, and they go to give you a pillow, and they pull out the one pillow that looks like it's been underneath like an elephant for three years, so it's like this thin, and it's like brown and yellow.

Are you having a bunch of sleepovers lately? This sounds very recent. You know exactly what I'm talking about, that like worn-out pillow. I know exactly what you're talking about. like worn out pillow i'm like why is this brown and yellow like oh it's just the pillow the pillow cases pillowcase is clean i go no it's not this is fucking throw away the pillow it looks like all the feathers have been just why is it always too when you go to a sleepover they give you like that uh it's like um just fabric it's just fabric blanket from maybe

a packer or a brewer blanket that they just bought at Joann's. The fabric. You remember that? When everyone went through that phase? It's always that blanket. I have one of those at the end of my bed. It's always that blanket. I feel like I'm always sleeping with it. Real slumber parties

included... So female slumber parties. It's not called a slumber party it's a sleepover mom can i stay at my friend's house that's what it's called that doesn't make it better sleepover does not make it better guys no you can tell you're getting older because it went from sleepovers to like can i stay over can i stay the night Have you ever called it a sleepover or a slumber party? Like, dude, you can stay at home. We don't want you to go over. And now it's just like, yeah, Mom, I'm going to get really fucked up,

and I'm going to sleep on the couch. You're not going to Michael's, are you? God, no. I mean, it was a little bit of an issue tonight. Dad gave us a little bit of a what? That you're coming here? A little bit. It's a Thursday.

Exactly. I guess that's fair. That's the problem. Although, okay, big thing. He did admit when I stopped over. He goes, hey, I learned you're not the problem. It's my kids. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You are the common denominator. Yes, but I'm not the problem samuel douglas walsh is the problem yes whatever sam we're not getting real jobs ever um but all-time move by your dad calling Rachel hot? That was bad. You cannot. Okay, we were three sheets to the wind. I was crying. I thought that was the funniest shit ever.

I was like, dad, stop it. But he said it to me like she wasn't two feet in front of me. And he thought he whispered, which was the greatest thing i think he he thinks he's so funny about that too he thinks he's whispering and he's loud as fuck like i could literally hear him from the next room probably but he thinks it's like the quietest thing ever i'm like dude he does it in public michael dude i know and it's like it's like subtle like almost like racist comments and you racist comments. And you're just like. We are outing your dad right now.

You're just like, dude, shh. Like subtle, subtle. No. He's that guy too where it's like, I'm like, hey, dude, don't turn around, but this person's over there. And he's like, what? Immediately will just like turn around and stare at them. You guys did that perfect timing.

Stare at them immediately. Dude, he did it at, what was that? will just like turn around and stare at that perfect time stare at them immediately dude he did it he did it at um what was that my that first weekend i was home that friday night when we're going to steve miller we went to dinner and there was somebody i knew from basketball i'm like hey dad there's this kid over here and he literally just like turns immediately staring right at him and then he proceeds to talk loudly about the person. And I'm like, oh, my, dude, fucking shut up. Like, oh, my God.

Yeah, your dad. Love your dad. Honestly, I was like, I couldn't have asked for a better way to have her meet you guys. I was like, that was perfect. Dear Lord. I will say that when all of this happens, alcohol is involved. Oh, absolutely. By a long shot.

Have we ever gotten in trouble sober? Probably. I don't think so. So alcohol is the problem. The only story I can think of is that one time where we refurbished the chairs. But that turned into alcohol. Yeah, we, we refurbished the chairs, but that turned into, turned into, yeah,

we turned into slamming two, four locos and chicks came over at like two in the morning. So we didn't even know. No, no idea. So that just turned into that. No clue how that happened. Whatever.

Oh, how many, what was the chairs for your fireplace? Right? Yeah, dude, just still out there. So that was the summer of, uh uh we made the art projects and uh rounding third and bud light yes absolutely

rounding third oh yeah that's when rounding third used to be right down the street yep and bud light bud light is still a thing bud light is very much still a thing oh sarah brought up a funny story on the way here too um she wait can we take a guess yeah is it about airports no no no i'll get back to that um give me a hint we actually bring up so wait so she brought up this one remember last week's episode when you're talking to rachel and you brought up kuski's long islands yeah i never actually went over it and you never finished the story yeah but yes yes but you never finished the story but then sarah we're gonna so you want me to explain the kuski long i do do you not know what it is no so it started unfortunately i think i've had one probably it's basically a

deconstructed long island so on my friend's 21st adam weintraut i go you know what i'm gonna buy you your first long island at the kk because that was like at the time the thing to buy at the kk was their long islands was their strongest drink blah blah strange order so he's like okay you can give me a long island i was like you know i got to the bar and i fully intended on buying him a long island i go go, you know what would be funnier? It's if I just bought it for him in parts. So I was like, can I have a shot of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec? And then he just put the mix on the side. So you walk back over with like a tray of shots.

So I walk back over with five shots, and basically they're Long Island mix. And I go, here you go. He goes, what the fuck is this? I go, it's a Long Island. You just got to put it together in your stomach. Did you tell him the order to take them to? And I go, here you go. He goes, what the fuck is this? I go, it's a Long Island. You just got to put it together in your stomach. Did you tell him the order to take them to? No.

The best part is, is at a college bar, actually at all of them, all those are clear. So you have no idea what you're taking. And I was like, here's the rule. You can't smell them. You just got to hammer them down. So you don't know if you're taking vodka, rum, tequila, gin, or triple sec. I could definitely tell if I take it, though. So everyone should go try the Kusky Long Island.

I've done it to so many people, and it got to the point where they're like, we're not going to go to Kusky for our birthday. It started with just 21st, and then it was anyone's birthday. I was like, you're getting a Kusky Long Island if you come to my bar. And I give it to them for free. That sounds disgusting. The most aggressive I give it to him for free. I'm not going to make him. The most aggressive I've ever seen is Casey Davis. This man messed up. He took it in, I think, five seconds.

Just went. What's the alternative? 25 minutes later, he came back. He goes, can I get another Long Island? I go, no. I think that's the night he woke up in his pantry. That just made me think of another story. But let me backtrack.

Because when I was listening to last week with Rachel, and you said that, I thought that you were talking about Samuel's 20th birthday in the Walsh family basement remember that I need a refresher remember that was there's been a few drunk nights in your basement so that was oh my god yes so for the viewers um no it was my my 20th, my 20th birthday. Also, Michael's worst nightmare happened. I think hands down top three drunkest I've ever been. And it's it's one of those stories that constantly comes up, though. The morning after it constantly comes up with our friendship.

We're like as mad as my dad has ever been at Michael. But it was my 20th birthday. And like I've never had a birthday party before because, uh, my birthday is three days after Christmas. So no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit. And like,

rightfully so. I don't even give a shit, but I was really excited. You know, my friends wanted to have a birthday party. We're going to go up to whitewater. We have a great time. Uh,

we were 20. So like, we were all just going to hang out at the whitewater house and get hammered. I was like, great. Snowstorm hits bad like no one could leave the house i drove my dad's truck with my head out the window to get to the bowling alley you guys were at yes because i remember that okay so we went bowling and you got to the bowling alley and you go, I'm not going to lie. I definitely got here by muscle memory. Yeah.

That's all I remember. But like, I wasn't drunk. I just couldn't see. Yeah. But before that I was so mad. And I remember just being like the, just sitting in this chair, watching a movie or whatever, drinking like Jack Daniels by myself. Cause I was so upset that like my birthday is ruined again again

every single year but um then my mom's like trying to make me feel better she's like you want to go bowling i was like no i don't go bowling all this stuff and then like i don't know how i texted you we were just talking and i was just like you want to come bowling and so we went bowling and i can't remember if we drank there or not. We might have. No, I couldn't. I didn't know how to drive. I don't think we did. But when we came back, shit went downhill very fast.

We end up in my basement. And Michael's like, what do you have to drink? And I was like, I don't know. Check the cupboards. That was a mad scientist. He finds Long Island stuff. And this is like maybe when you first started bartending. I wasn't even bartending.

I was barbacking for maybe a week. Right. So like not even bartending Michael yet. And he's just like, yeah, it's just all this shit. And just starts piling into a cup. And we drink this stuff. I don't remember anything else from that evening besides Michael and I. I do.

I remember all of it. I know, but Sarah does because Sarah came downstairs and saw the mess. No, Sarah was drinking with us. Yeah, you came down later and were drinking with us, right? For most of the night, she was drinking. I was with you for the entirety of the night. So, yes, Long Island are flowing. I'm pretty sure you put Monster in one of them.

Yeah, we didn't have Mix anymore, so we were just... Wait, is this the night that I did a full faint backwards and just fell? Sam, you just... I remember this. You can say it, so everybody... Write down. I'm her bed. He's...

Fuck it. Sam, I think you're... Wasn't it on the beanbag chair? No. No. He just hit the floor. Even worse. Sam was staring at your TV with a drink i think in hand he put it down and just

we washed him just slow like a tree falling in the woods and just boom by the way if a tree does fall in the woods it makes a noise it sure does all right so let's move on. Sam's out. Oh boy. You're done. Michael's next. You're fucked up. Yeah. And you're like stumbling away into our guest bedroom and you're like, I'm going to throw up. Which I never do.

I was so mad. And I'm like, Oh my God. What do I do? This is like. Were you like 17? I don't even think that old. No.

Yeah, I must have been. Nothing like us to have our supervisor be 15 or 16 years old. No, I must have been 17 if you were 20. Yeah. All right. You. I'm crying. Face plant on our guest bed yeah and i'm like i i don't know what to do with these guys like i've never experienced this before and so i'm like okay i'm gonna get him a

trash can i don't know what else to do so i have a picture of you on my phone. I don't want to see it. It's probably in there somewhere. Of you. Like literally 75% of your body is not on the bed. The other 25 on the bed. 75 in the trash can. Is there sand in it? And then I was just like, well, my work here is done. Didn is done didn't oh no this wasn't the night there was another night i felt bad at your apartment maybe it was that night you guys

tried feeding me bread and i was like i was just thinking about that i was like no no i was just thinking about is this when your buddy came to visit and i woke up in your neighbor's yard underneath the tree yeah this is another good one, too. Rachel, I am so sorry. And Rachel's mom, if you listen to this. This is not me. Allegedly me. This is so funny. Allegedly me.

This is so funny. I know, 100%. We have my buddy Austin coming into town. And for some odd reason, like, my parents were just like, yeah, have the guys over. I'm just like, okay. We end up playing beer die we're drinking and stuff and like two hours passed and we just like were pounding beers and again i kind of like me yeah not like you at all but then i kind of like i kind of like looked around at one point

i was just like where the fuck is michael i was like did he go home and i'm calling him i'm calling him i'm like yeah he's not answering but i like turned the music down and i called him again and all of a sudden like in the corner outside i hear his phone and i'm just like i think i hear something dude i emerged from the trees so i walked i walked some i walked to my neighbor's house and these big there's these big trees and like you can walk in them but you can't see inside them all of a sudden i'm walking closer and michael comes out of nowhere just just like from narnia just like comes out and he's just like alive and i'm just like what the fuck is going on apparently he just was asleep in there for a couple hours

I feel like we shouldn't be talking about drinking this entire time however no but these are two stories that have never been touched on with us we're going to talk about airports soon thank god however that story did just remind me of my graduation

party high school yeah That story did just remind me of my graduation party. High school. Yeah. Was I there? You were there. Oh, good God. No, this isn't about you. This is about me.

Okay. I emerged from the dead, and I came downstairs, and you guys were, like, playing cards. And you're like, wait, what the fuck? Where did you come from? Irish poker. Same shit. The funniest part about that one, Sarah, is

we had this humongous party for Sarah's high school graduation. My friends were there. Sarah's friends were there. Our parents' friends were there, too. I'll tell you our downfall. Sarah literally just comes up to us midway through and goes, I'm going to go. And we're like, what?

She's like, yeah, I'm going to go to a different graduation party. And we're like, you don't see all these people here for you? And she just left. She just left. Dude. Comes back absolutely shit-faced. Oh, yeah, because she left sober. Yeah, so she just left. She just left. Dude. Comes back absolutely shit-faced. Oh, yeah, because she left sober. Yeah, so she didn't leave sober.

She came back even more shit-faced, goes upstairs, takes a nap, and then all of a sudden, like, everyone was just like, okay, well, she's out. Like, we'll just keep hanging out, I guess. And then I guess, like, we regressed to the basement, and, like, we're kind of hanging out with everybody. I think Sarah's friends were there. Like, Sal and you and a couple other people were there. The usual suspects.

Yeah, and we were just kind of hanging out, and all of a sudden she comes downstairs, and it was like, I'm not even kidding. I thought I saw, like, it was like Easter morning. Well, I know why she left. It was unbelievable. I know exactly why she left. Okay, please enlighten me. Enlighten me. Because your mom recruited me to try and get you to stay.

So this was, let's, it's not that far after Sam graduated high school and someone couldn't pull into the driveway. Did you leave to get some dick or something? God, no. Dude. So it's not that long driveway. Did you leave to get some dick or something? God, no. Dude. So, it's not that long ago. Do you even know? No, no, no.

I remember this very clearly because your mom comes over and goes, Michael, you need to go tell Sarah to stay. And I go, what the fuck am I going to do? She is gone. But you wanted to go hang out with he who shall not be named. That is not true. 100%. Do you know where I went? With them. No, I didn't.

Yeah, we all went to like Max Fassbender's graduation party. Who was there? And then Max's mom looked at me and goes Sarah, this is not good. No, that's bad good But I will say That my downfall

That day Was that Our father Infused his own Jalapeno tequila That was delicious So fucking good But

So good it hurts The problem was so delicious Alright that's all I have to say about that oh by the way that uh when i emerged from the trees i remember i came to and i heard you screaming for me and i was like i don't want to deal with this right now i was like i because i was like i first was like michael just figure out where you are you hear them, but you don't know where they are. And I was like, you know what? We're going to go through these trees and we're going to see if it works out.

And I walked right past all of you. I went downstairs, saw your mom. I go, hey, can you please wake me up in the morning so I can get to work? Yes, I remember that. Your mom woke me up when she got up for work, which was three hours before I needed to go to work. I showed up to work two hours and 15 minutes early i slept in the back corner of the parking lot for an hour and a half before i went in well dude yeah that was yeah that same night we were just like you were just so gone that we ended up feeding you day old jimmy john's bread that's what sal

tried to do and i was so mad at him sal tries to do anything to me go fuck himself like so you're not better than me shut up no no you guys kicked out of a hotel but that's a story for a different day actually i think you've already told a story on here uh oh i went to church i'm a god-loving man and i like don't drink alcohol anymore how did you know that yeah oh my goodness uh no i was gonna talk about that day that you and sal showed up on the bus to the packer game probably one of my greatest things i've ever done you've definitely talked about that though right i don't think so really no all right let me say one thing by the way

All of this is happening Post New Year's Our first year of college Which after that Sam's parents banned us from ever hanging out there again And we What happened on New Year's?

Nothing Nothing Wait Nothing I might know but you need to know about. Wait. Nothing. I might know, but I want to talk about it. Nope. Nothing.

Nothing you need to know about New Year's ever. So, the bus ride. Yeah. No, that was last year, right? Yeah, last November. Last November. You guys were... You came with...

My buddy James. James. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I could get on this bus too. There are open spots. I personally didn't tell Doug because I wanted to see his reaction. But you also didn't believe I was going to do it. And I was like, all right, I booked it.

It was like a 6, 8, 7, 30. It was like an early bus, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, it was. I brought it. No. I thought it was earlier. It was earlier than that, yeah. I thought it was like a noon game.

But the best part was is like, I told you I'm coming. You're like, no way this is going to be awesome. And I was fully prepared to sit at this bar by myself. Yeah. And then. Let's preface. And then. You had to come up with a plan on how you were going to approach this bus situation.

Yeah. And I remember. Do you remember what you did? Oh, like when I got on the bus yeah i let sal go first but do you you had a shirt in hand oh sam's miami mishap shirt my miami mishap shirt oh yeah that was my plan give this shirt to sam about you know the time i was never there kind of thing oh no he knows i was there no he doesn't even know that happened does he no oh good god no clue no i didn't want to talk about that with her here even though it is pretty funny

that sarah like was involved in that story but yeah our most popular video is just right yeah calling you yep yeah you didn't answer my fucking phone call from prison Jesus Sarah what a shitty sister I was in a different time zone and I was asleep I will say that I definitely have those messages though can we play yeah yeah you should play one you should play one absolutely but how many guys I think when i in the video i think i was spot on i was like he's fine don't worry about it yeah finally you're fine it's like where the fuck is your right is my brother no you do not delete him we're fine though

we were great the worst part was i had major uh anxiety when i was just sitting there and i was just like i don't know what's going on out in the outside world so i was just like i don't know if i'm going to be able to walk out today i don't know what's going on sarah's on her phone i'm definitely not calling my parents i learned like i don't know michael's phone number off the top of my head so i was like i don't know what's going to happen so i'm just praying for the best sam i beat the uber there oh fuck yeah i know you know i beat the cop car there in my Uber. You have it? Yeah. Alright, give her the microphone. You want to play it? You got four phone calls? Just play one.

Just play one. Well, you find out first. You got four phone calls? Oh, I called her multiple times. White privilege, man. No, no, no. Dude, no one was checking. I remember no one was checking on me on the phone. So I was like, it's not working. It's not working.

But I kept calling the same number is that it well yeah is the oh is the one phone call thing just not real you just get no calls until they're like hey man no one loves you i beat the system beat the system. Beat the system, bro. Never. Yeah. I learned I can handle that situation pretty well, though. Because, I mean, you went to prison and – or jail, not prison. You're right. Dude, just play it. It's by everyone in the beginning, yeah. I think there's one where I'm yelling. They say, this is a phone call from.

And he goes, Sarah Walsh. Someone was a little drunk. All right, let's play this. Right to the top. Hold up. Let me back it up. I've never heard these before. Neither have I. Hello, this is a. I've never heard these before.

Hello, this is a free call from Carol Walsh. An inmate at the Orange County Corrections. To accept this free call, press zero. To refuse this free call, hang up or press one. So that's literally it, but I had four of them. Four of them? Yeah. So that's when I called you, and I'm like, hi, Michael.

Where's Sam? He's right here. That's so funny. You're like, you are full of shit. Like, that's so funny, because I have four missed calls. From the Orange County Correctional Facility. Wasn't me. Clearly wasn't me. So airports.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Here. Well, here. We'll start out. We'll start out. Yeah, we'll start out with me. So I have these.

Do you have more thoughts? I have like 12. But since Sarah wants to talk about airports, I'll give you my airport. Yeah, absolutely. Do you want more lime juice? Yeah. Sorry, I was taking a drink break. It's 100% real lime juice, though.

This Fat Chance podcast is sponsored by alcohol. Please use responsibly. the problem responsibly um but uh i have a i have a couple airport ones because i uh i took that flight again coming home uh that was like 8 p.m and i got in at like 3 a.m it's like you're like tired as fuck yeah and so like you know when you're tired you just have all these like random ass thoughts sure so i'm going through security and i breeze through it didn't didn't take off my shoes no laptop out of my bag nothing and so my thought afterwards was i feel like i feel like airport security has gotten a lot lazier in 21 years since 9-11 uh what's what's going on with that like that like some guy was just like all right guys

how long are we really gonna do this like intense screening you know i think they're gonna get worse now with all the gun stuff i just breezed through it the other day and i was just like you don't look very threatening well i remember like remember back in the day kids somebody's daughter you're gonna be a douchebag but you're but you're not going to kill anyone. At least, like, ten years ago, where it was, like, belt, shoes, everything out of your backpack, hat, like, condoms. I don't know. Whatever it was, everything had to come out of your bag, and they had to, like, triple screen it. It took forever.

What kind of condoms are you wearing that they're screening them for metal dude metal aluminum condoms okay you'll wear aluminum condoms but not use aluminum deodorant yeah it's called tinfoil it's a whole different tinfoil hat you don't want to put on yeah sarah. Sarah, what's your issue with airports? I mean, it's not all that exciting. You guys really hyped it up a lot. But we were talking about thoughts that we had. And I was at the airport this past weekend. And you think that they're, you know, not cracking down on security. I think that I have fully figured out

how to breeze through security like a normal fucking person. First of all, you wear shoes that you can slip on and off. Actually, actually, let me back it up. First of all, you buy a TSA pre-check. This is the most angry life hack we're ever going to get? You want to know how to get through airport security quickly? Read my blog. Stop yelling.

First of all, get a TSA pre-check. You're done after that. But if you don't want to do that, you wear shoes that slip on and off super easily. Not flip-flops, because that's weird. No, like a van. Crocs are fine. Fine. If you have socks on.

Socks and Crocs, don't judge. No, that's totally fine, but I don't want to see your bare feet on that ground. Oh, God, no. All right. So we're at Crocs and TSA PreCheck. TSA PreCheck's number one. I mean, $80 for five years? That's a steal.

For five years of TSA PreCheck? Yes. Oh, shit. I'm going to go do that now. Yes. Not now. You actually have to give the government your fingerprint. Oh, bummer.

They have my DNA. I was really scared to do that. I'm not even kidding. When they were like, yeah, we need your fingerprints, I was like, I'm definitely going back to Orange County Correctional Facility now. I'm going to say they know. All right. They have my DNA.

I did the 23andMe. Continue. All right. all right they have my dna i did the 23 and me continue all right go ahead i was gonna make the worst joke please don't all right next you put your id in the back of your phone case so it's easily accessible you gotta show it to them. Okay. Easy peasy. This is more like a rant on other people rather than how do you. It absolutely is because I could literally get to the airport with five minutes to spare. Well, not true because I will always check a bag.

Unfortunately. Yeah, you guys don't do that. I got a duffel bag and a backpack and I could be gone for a month. You get a backpack with a laptop sleeve. Take it out super easily. You're pretty much good to go. You don't act like you've never been in an airport before. What if they've never been in an airport before? Don't go.

You can drive. Then you're poor. Okay, other things. Other things, though. You're making a great case for yourself. Can you pee on airplanes? Yeah, you could pee on airplanes. No, no, no, but like, can you?

Can you do it? I can't do it. I can. I gotta hold the wall. I can't do it. It's like on a bus. You take a bus to, I don't know, Lambeau. You're back.

You're like, fuck. My friend's dad's there. He hates me. I'm hammered. Don't want to make a problem. I peel over the seat. He's going to know. He's right behind me.

Yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it. I will be sitting there just being like, I got to go to the bathroom. And I will make the entire row get up. And I'll go to the bathroom. And I'll the entire row get up and I'll go to the bathroom and I'll just be sitting. You're a window seater. Yeah, always.

And I'll just be standing there. I'm an aisle guy. I'll just be standing there. Just like, all right. Any day now. Give a little flap. Whatever you do. Nothing.

Can't do it. Sit down. Can't do it. It's even worse, dude. Can you imagine taking a shit in an airplane? Oh my god. I was going to take my man car then. I'm going to sit down if I don't have to

take a shit. What are you, shit with the door open? No one's going to see you do it. Well, sometimes. This entire podcast is going to be me and Sam fighting over this mic. We're doing well. We still have half of it left to go i know you do i should all right sam asking for a friend all i was gonna say is i just don't ask the people next to me to pee and then i'm in a world

of hurt when i land on a four-hour flight. You're like bent over. You're like, I can't even walk. If I stand up straight, I will piss myself. I'm the first one off the plane just beeline to the restroom. You guys definitely stand when it lands, don't you? I was just going to say that is my number one pet peeve of all time in the world. First of all, people that clap when flying.

I clap. one pet peeve of all time in the world first of all people that clap i clap second of all not even flights if anyone behind me on some form of transportation tries to get off before me jail jail orange county straight to jail Jail. Jail. Orange County. Straight to jail. We should ask Sarah that question. Hey, Sarah. Where do you naturally find hamsters?

Yeah. Where do hamsters come from? That is single handedly my favorite video I have on this podcast. Michael and I firmly believe that they are manufactured manufactured in the back of pet smarts yeah that's probably pretty accurate i think they might be from like south america to be honest with you but i will say that i know that i don't think either of you believed that i actually listened to that podcast but i was peeing myself during the entire thing and you want to know why you know when you were doing the um ideal yeah lady lady person person well two things first of all you would say something and i would be like

oh this is gonna be sam's answer yeah and i was like 98 correct yeah second thing the fucking type a thing you said it and i go sam's not gonna know what that means he had no fucking clue no shit asked if I, your ideal person's blood type. I mean, I know now. We were in the perfect state of mind for that entire night. Like, we started that night off with a bang. Yeah, that was a really fun podcast.

I hope we release the one, too, of, did you release the one of Riley? Riley, yeah. Where it's like three brain cells trying to communicate to each other. I hope we release the one, too, of – did you release the one of Riley? Riley, yeah. Where it's, like, three brain cells trying to communicate to each other. It was, like – my favorite part of that, too, is, like – Dude, you ate six Italian beefs on air. Dude, I was eating beef. And the other funny part is I took a phone call, like, mid-podcast,

and I literally had – yeah, I had the microphone, like, right here, and I had the phone up to me. I was just having a conversation like dead ass. I was like, Oh my God. I would like to address that. Sam's way of Sam was getting a little more responsible in his own way. Like that,

at that night he wanted the party to end. He's like, this is taking too long. So he just turned your house off. He honestly, he hit like we, taking too long. So he just turned your house off. Honestly, that's literally smart. We woke up and Ryze was like, your refrigerator isn't on.

Sam hit everything on the breaker just off. I'm very impressed with myself that time. I'm surprised you knew where it was. Me too because I still kind of forget where it is when I'm dead ass sober. My parents are like, check the breaker. I'm like you knew where it was. Me too, because I still kind of forget where it is when I'm dead ass sober. And my parents are like, check the breaker. And I'm like, what?

Like, where? But then, of course, that one night I knew exactly where it was, and I just turned everything off. You're like, I'm done. I remember the lights, everything just turning off. I'm like, oh. We're done now. Done now.

I don't even think we're done. We just went outside. That was hilarious so funny can we talk about airports yeah yeah you want to hear some of my thoughts yeah okay because they've been so great this is this is number one why did you not give us number one right away because i gave you like number seven no no we're not doing that one so this is uh this is just my thoughts throughout the week preparing for this uh podcast just the random thoughts and i'll write them down okay number one what the fuck are dark roasted peanuts

do they roast them with the lights off are there a difference between dark nuts and light nuts? This is the poorest attempt at trying to write a joke for Stan. It's not even a joke. These are literally my thoughts throughout the week. Do they roast them with the lights off? What categorizes it as a dark roasted peanut? Probably roasted a little longer so they're a little darker on the outside think of it like a marshmallow but you stick it in the fire makes sense i don't believe

that not at all okay i already told you about the airport security one oh yeah do credit card companies judge people when they see they purchase in only fans and do you think they ever check out what they purchase and see if it's good or not like they have a pretty credible history um that'd be really weird if they're looking that much into it i don't know dude that's the thing i have no idea we were talking about only fans at work today and it was a – I mean, I had a weird thought, but – One of your feet pics coming out. Next Tuesday. Nice.

So, no, one of the managers at work is leaving, and she's starting her own lash company, whatever. Sorry, a what company? A lash company. Like eyelashes? Yeah, I don't really know how it works, but – How do you make a company? Again, why? Don't ask ask me okay well that's why i looked at sarah not you it's pretty lucrative i've heard the prices of what you pay for someone to individually put lashes on your

like single lash it sounds dumb is it like one lash at a time yeah yeah oh god yeah how long does it take you need special tweets, you need special tweezers. How long does it take? It takes a few hours. Sam, so you don't have eyelashes. Imagine someone putting a longer one on each of those. Those are like extensions for your eyelashes. That's exactly what it is.

Fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, it takes forever, and it's expensive extensions for your eye that's exactly what it is yeah yeah it takes forever and it's expensive as fuck and it makes your eyes look like balloons yeah so i had an allergic reaction to that she's doing that and she's got a bunch of clients and doing well with it but i was like you're always welcome back here you can come fill in for me if i ever need to go on vacation she goes yeah and if it fails i'll just come right back too i was like what do you she goes i doesn't want to come back i'm like what's next she goes only fans i go and if that doesn't work she goes which made me think like how many people think like porn like only fans doesn't work porn or death only two options left you know that joke

you don't want to say let's go that route buddy um obviously kidding but i was thinking it's like how many people out there guy and girl like you know what i can make so much money on only fans and i never do i was like listen what if no one wants to see you jessica like how much of like how bad would that kill your self-esteem like i could get so much money and then you put like a plethora of pictures on and no one buys it well not with your micro penis, Michael. Michael's micro. That's right. That hurts, man. That's a well-known fact. Actually, I bet I could make more with a micro penis than someone with an average penis.

Probably. There's a great crowd out there for that. It's a niche market. Yeah, I think so. All right, let's get off my penis. Okay. All right. You want to hear the next one?

All right. You're the only one that came with ideas. Well, I know. I know. I just reminds sam's random thoughts how can people be therapists just like why who the fuck wants to listen to people's shit all day and under law can't gossip about it i feel like white girls would just have like a total issue with this you like, could you be a therapist there

and not talk about it with your friends? Absolutely not. But my roommate from college is a therapist. And does she talk about it? There is a very, very, very fine line.

Jail. Jail. Straight to jail. Straight to jail. Straight to jail. There's a fine line. You can't name names, obviously. Can you talk about what they a fine line. You can't name names, obviously.

Can you talk about what they do? Yeah. Can you, though? Why not? Like, I have this person I somehow met that's paying me that, like, you can do that, like, allegedly kind of bullshit? Or can you just be like, I have a client that, you know, made out that you know made i feel like that's not illegal correct me if i'm wrong i truly don't know but like you don't know who it is i didn't say like could you hint at it though like you know who it is

no because why would you know someone else's therapist clients? I don't know. Okay, that was a dumb thought. You think any of these have been good? These are not good thoughts. These are just my thoughts throughout the day. But I'm saying, like, why is that an occupation? There are a lot of space, like dead air, in between your thoughts, aren't there?

Yeah, but this is throughout a week of time. I don't have great thoughts often, okay? It is like you have one thought a day, and you're like... Yeah, yeah. I needed something to come in with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wrote this down. Yeah, exactly. I'm just saying, like, I don't know.

Therapy. Being a therapist sounds terrible. Have you gone to therapy? Yeah, of course. I have not. Sarah goes to therapy, too. But I don't go anymore. I don't need it fine i just work out or drink that sounds like a great coping mechanism absolutely uh no i did thank you for blowing my spot what shut up all, I did the deodorant one.

We're done with your thoughts. Oh, oh, here's one. Another airplane one. When they say put your phone on airplane mode, is that a suggestion? Because I feel like I'm just messing with the pilots and their comms every single time I leave it on. I've literally thought that if i didn't put my phone on airplane mode that the plane was going to explode if i do explode it's definitely

not a suggestion it is a request i guess that's the same as sam it like messes with the the connection to the tower i've never put my phone on airplane mode. And I've made it home every time. Knock on wood. Now next time I'm going to go down. But why don't you just put it on? Is this some sort of like male rebellion thing? Yeah, I just fall asleep. They say it like.

The minute they're like, let's talk about safety. I go, headphones out. I do not care. I did they're like, let's talk about safety. I go, headphones out. I do not care what Bernice. I did fully miss the pretzels the other day. Oh, I missed a bit. They had Biscoff cookies. I was like, so upset. But I was like, I also need to sleep.

I've been up since five. Sam, do you have a girlfriend? I have a couple more. Yeah. I have a couple more. No, no, no, no. This is a good one. Wait. I can't have a baby girl. Yeah. I have a couple more. This is a good one. Wait.

I can't have a baby girl. No. I don't want to talk about this right now. I do because you can't just casually drop that on me drunk one day and be like, dude, I have one too. I was like, okay, buddy. Yeah. And I'm six foot seven. Do I know her?

No. No? Nobody does. Can you just send me her name? Yeah, you guys can do it. Okay, wait. Here's this other one. This is a good one, though.

I can't have a baby that's a girl because whatever the name is, probably had sex with that name and that's really weird so to sam's girlfriend i'm sorry yeah it's okay she'll care oh this is a good one too but what if you have a boy and he transitions and then changes his name straight to jail just kidding I'll support him and love him always. Her. That's what I said. You support her and love her or they. I'm just going to have a toaster

as a child one day. Here's a good one too. This is a good one. I think this is a really good one. How come there aren't any Sloppy Joe restaurants? Sometimes I'm just feeling Sloppy Joe. Give the microphone, give it to Sarah. Sometimes I'm just feeling a Sloppy Joe. Give the microphone to Sarah. Can we talk about his girlfriend for a second?

I don't disagree with that, but we're done with your thoughts. Yeah. What are your thoughts on his lady friend? She's fun. I've only met her once. Really? Yeah. Like an actual girlfriend?

At least she's a real person. No, I understand she's a real person. No, I understand she's a real person. Trust me, I just went through all this. She's not a doll. That's what you were thinking. Will I like her? Probably. That's not convincing.

I honestly don't know her that well. What's her name? I can't tell you that. Why? Why the fuck haven't you told me any of this? I mean, I honestly don't know her that well. What's her name? I can't tell you that. Why? I'm going to stand by my brother. Why the fuck haven't you told me any of this? Well, because he is seemingly nervous. Lexi.

Lexi? Lexi what? You don't know her. I'm going to look her up after this. Okay. Okay. She's fun to go. Yeah. Yeah.

What? Can I ask you a question without the microphone in my face? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Michael, I forgot. I told you about that. Yeah. That's fucking funny, bro. That's funny.

God, I hope they didn't pick that up. Definitely did. That's okay. That was good. Yeah, I called Michael. Hey, can I read you a book real quick? That was cool. It was cool.

Yeah, Goodnight Moon. Yeah, it was really funny and um i really hope lexi doesn't listen to this but i did i i did call i did call michael right after our first date and i was like michael you won't believe what i just went through i was so happy when i found out and he and i called him he was like what i was like i went on this date and he's like yeah yeah yeah and uh i was like yeah she took me to this um this uh do you not know this no no i was like she she took me to this well we first of all we have never we never met before do you want to like even say it on here yeah that's fine we never we never met before and um she was like hey i have this like spiritual breathing ritual type thing and i don't really know how to explain it um it's

called reiki um i know now i know i know now but that's how jake ranky kind no no no no it's breathing it's mostly breathing and you kind of just get into this mental state. But I've never met her before. I walk in. There's like four people around this circle. I thought it was going to be like a giant group. No, four people. And I'm just sitting there, just no clue what's going on.

And they're just like, it's kind of like lay down, and you're just going to take deep breaths the whole time i had yet to speak one word to this chick yet no i felt i almost fell asleep but yet to speak one word to this chick yet and i'm already just like in this deep thing i'm like i remember i remember before i walked in i was like sam you have hit a low point what are you doing to just like go out and like meet people at the same time i was like fuck it nothing else works like nothing else is working why not why not this so i just walked in and it just happened and i was just like okay wasn't that bad wasn't that bad a lot of candles a lot of breathing when that smell good in there smell great smell great i bet they use old spice yeah probably yeah it's got to be that uh aqua surf is that what you got reef yeah

reefer but no it was good and then things kind of went on so i'm still learning a lot like she's very spiritual and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm still, I'm, like, I'm, like, the dumbest person when it comes to this because I have no idea. So I'm learning so much. But she's such an amazing individual that it really can't, like, you're not, like, mad about it. You know what I mean?

I kind of, like, look past that. I'm looking at her as a person instead of, like, all of it. You know what I mean? I kind of, like, look past that. I'm looking at her as a person instead of, like, all of that. You know what I mean? I feel like if she watches this, you're going to have a conversation. Probably. But she knows that, too. She knows that I'm an idiot when it comes to that stuff. She tries to explain this stuff to me, and it's, like, in one ear, out my ass crack.

Like, I have no clue what the fuck she's talking about. But I'm slowly slowly learning and it's very complicated shit like i can't even tie my shoes in the morning let alone learn about this stuff well i think we should address the shoe thing first maybe get you some crocs i have crocs i have good airport shoes i have lightning mcqueen crocs really yeah can i see him yeah everything we'll have a picture. But every single time I put them on, I put them in sport mode, and I whisper to myself, ka-chow.

I'm just going to go back into my text messages with Sam just to show you a pair of shoes that he sent me. This was like a week ago. Is that a watermelon? Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms Crocs. You're actually looking into getting new Crocs. They're $106.

For Lucky Charms Crocs? Uh-huh. Are they6. For Lucky Charms Crocs? Uh-huh. Are they made out of Lucky Charms? The Lightning McQueen was $250. We literally just had a conversation about this at dinner earlier tonight. Spending on stupid shit. Sam has more

shoes than I do. I have six pairs of shoes. Seven. You want to know what Sam said today? Sure. He has over 150 pairs of shoes. Where?

That's what I said. You're there. He wears four at a time exactly I've seen you wear these before I changed my style a lot okay yeah what is this style what what is this style right to be to be quite honest sorry to the public for how I look I'm running really low on laundry. I got about two days left here in Wisconsin, and we're running on fumes. I'm pretty sure the drawers that I'm wearing right now are like three days old. What did you just call them?

Some drawers? Some drawers? Yeah. Are you fucking 50? At least not call them like long johns, bro. Long johns? What was in the one drink I gave you? Dude.

Long johns? Johns? Sorry, my briefs. Your briefs? I mean, underwear would have been fine. Nah, that sounds too ladylike. Your skivvies? Yeah, that's better.

How are your britches my party suit good i think i get dumber when i hang out what are you wearing today what are you got on target sweatpants and a cole's t-shirt i was talking about your draws my draws my straws i think they're haines. Nice. I got Calvin's on. Yeah, I got Calvin's on. How about you, Sarah? Let's not ask what your sister's underwear. Anyway. So airports.

So airports. Hey, should we find you a new guy? Oh, God. What are you looking for? Put it out there. What? Oh. Probably set up with a nice portfolio. Fuck yeah.

Oh, no. He didn't want me to meet up with his son. Anyway. Let's not and say we did try and set you up I'm just like living my best life are you really you're here podcasting with Sam and I right now this is rock bottom

for you you're not wrong kind of fun do you guys want your serious question and end this wait is there any funny stories between you and me we can discuss that the public should know about? Remember that time I slammed your hand into a door?

Oh, wait, remember that time when we were playing tug-of-war and you slipped? You slipped and nailed your chin? Oh, and remember that? No, no, you nailed your forehead. And remember that other time I hit you in the face with a shovel. And, by the way, you did the car thing twice. One on my hand and one on my shin.

I thought mom was the shin. No, we were going bowling. You guys bowl a lot. Big bowler. My favorite bowling. I love that we go bowling for your mom's birthday and your mom's not there. She hates it. I also love that I have a pin in my parents garage that says happy birthday, Michael.

Congrats on 205. Mrs. Cap. Oh, a bowling pin. Yeah. Yeah. I broke 205 for the first time and Mrs. Cap has signed it.

Happy birthday. Glad we could celebrate. Like, we were there for my goddamn birthday. Like, your dad set up this bowling thing. Bowling team for me. I'm not even wearing the matching shirt you guys are wearing. And she's like, happy birthday. All right.

I feel like you need to give some background on that. When you break 200, you get a pin. Yeah, from your family. Yeah. So? And one of the families we were with, wives, I think, had a few too many bowling alley pitchers and thought it was my birthday as to why we were there.

They gave her the pin and like sign it for Michael. Just write whatever. Write your favorite phrase. She Oh God. What was it? After we did our first episode together she followed me.

Oh yeah you texted me. Personal account. Show account. together she followed me uh oh yeah you texted me personal account i was like fuck no uh show account and facebook and i was like no no and no wait can i say something absolutely can you have the microphone this is super unrelated yeah but i just clicked something you're fine It's the up and down I didn't realize that you had done Laughing Tap Yeah How was it? Were you the MC? I've hosted there twice

And I do the mic there almost every Wednesday Unless I'm driving to Madison to do comedy on state I've been there like a couple times now But on like weekends Yeah for actual shows I've been there like a couple times now, but on like weekends. Yeah, for actual shows. I've hosted Mike's. Eventually, I think I'll be able to host an actual

paid show there. That's so fun. Yeah, I still... I think it's such a fun place though. Oh, I love it. I still will get... It's my favorite place in Milwaukee to perform. I would agree. Before we end though, can I hear some? I haven't heard any of your stand up yet.

That is an awful way to set someone up. Oh, I will not. Is there like one thing? It is my ultimate goal though to have someone ask that and be like, can you just tell me a joke and then naturally just like basically do what I'm doing now and then get into

like a bit they don't know I'm doing and then tell a joke. Okay, so we won't do that then. But I will ask you this though because we haven't really talked about this a lot. But what goes through your head though? Like are you coming up with stories that have happened to you or are these just everyday things? He has lots of thoughts. So yeah, she stole my thunder there.

I have thoughts they're a little better than yours um i have bad thoughts it's fine i just want to share a lot of my stuff is like life based so i tell i'm big story person um to give you like a concept like the last thing i thought of was uh and i said it with rachel um we fell asleep watching charlie and the chocolate factory and i woke up to them singing god damn that's so cute and i was like i've never done no and i was like and i've never done hallucinogenics like any of that but like i imagine it's like waking up to 12 orange midgets singing songs in an edible sweatshop like that's a good thought that's pretty good yeah it's better than like hey airport security weird right it is fucking weird

dude roasted nuts too but no and then you just like the more you do it the more you i think understand trying to work it into like a bit or a story and things are fabricated a little bit and you punch things up a little bit to make them like funnier, obviously. But it's also stressful because I don't like a lot of times you do mics here. You are performing just comics like not a lot of people are going to Bremen Cafe on a Monday at eight o'clock at night to watch 20 to 30 open micers oh really that much yeah wow and then so then you're just performing to comics who have heard your stuff all the time so it gets stressful because you want to do like new stuff every time right um but that's also not what you should do you need to practice the stuff that you think could work so then when you actually perform to a paying audience, it works.

So then you get booked and then it gets better and better and better. And now I, I didn't really consistently do this until like December of last year. So I'm, I think I'm doing fairly well for how new I am. But you practice in front of a mirror. No, I'm actually like, I think I'm a lot. I practice a lot i practice a lot less than most where i just you don't practice no i do where open mics is practicing oh you don't practice like here no like in my head i'll like throughout the day like that's

how my brain works now is i'll just like i feel like i could just see you kind of like making eggs and you're just like talking to yourself and you're just like, I talk in my head. Yeah, that's funny. Ha. That's good. I do like and I have to I have a lot of thoughts and then I have to go. I don't clearly. You have a lot of thoughts are not great.

I did have a good. I did. I tell you my my yellow my yellow light one. That's a good one. Are you sure? It's not great. It's not great. This one was from today.

I thought we were done with these. It was from today. Do yellow lights mean slow down or proceed with caution? Are you kidding? No, do you know? Do you are you sure no no but i'm dead ask your driver's test the first time yeah i got one point off is there a punch line no there's no punch line none of these punch lines because i have a bunch of jokes for us today it wasn't jokes i said it was my thoughts't jokes. I said it was my thoughts. These are my thoughts. So I was crossing a yellow light today.

And I was like, what does this actually mean? Slow down or proceed with caution? What are you doing tomorrow? What? What are you doing tomorrow? Golfing, 7 a.m. What are you doing tomorrow night? I got a wedding.

Tomorrow night is a wedding? Yeah, why? You want to hang out? You want to come crash? Sure. Yeah, come crash. What are you doing Saturday? Brewer game.

At night? You should buy tickets. At night? 3 p.m. 3 crash. What are you doing Saturday? Brewer game. At night? Buy tickets. At night? 3 p.m. 3 p.m.? So my client actually offered me tickets for a weekend game. You should go. Let's meet up.

What are you doing Saturday night? Nothing. Casey. Kelly and CJ asked me to go to the Umbrella Bar. Saturday night? Yeah. I thought you were going Sunday morning. I got to leave Sunday morning. You literally thought you're going sunday morning i gotta leave sunday morning you literally said you're going sunday afternoon you're going to the umbrella bar i had i had a

few i meant saturday night okay why don't you stay down here and hang out with me i can't hang out with you why not that's fine are you staying with mom and dad on Saturday? What time is your flight on Sunday? Fucking 7 a.m. 7 a.m.? Yeah, it's fucking early. I'm gonna go to the Black Crowes tomorrow by myself. Are you? I mean, you're busy. Saturday, I'm gonna go to the bird game. Okay.

And then I'm gonna see where the night takes me. I think, are you going to the bird game with your dad? I'm going to see where the night takes me I think Are you going to the burger with your dad? I'm going to Sunday Funday So I think maybe I text my client Like hey if you have to take us for Saturday Are we reenacting? A little recap

Where are your seats? I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E God you smell that right I was so happy you spelled that right. I'm not going to lie. I also had to go through my house. I'm not going to lie. In my head, I was really nervous.

I was like, God, if you don't spell this right, you fucking idiot. Oh, my God. Okay, wait. Last. Last thought. This is not a thought. This is not a thought. But this was, I felt, I've never felt dumber in my entire life.

And I'm a pretty. Until you watch this one back. I'm a pretty. Hey, not a thought. But this was, I felt, I've never felt dumber in my entire life. And I'm a pretty, I'm a pretty. Until you watch this one back. I'm a pretty, hey, I'm a pretty smart guy. I have a master's degree. Like, pretty smart dude. I watched him get it from his couch. I am, I'm seriously, did not feel dumber when I was at, I went to the doctor yesterday. And he, yeah, and he was, he was asking me questions.

doctor yesterday and he yeah and he was he was asking me questions and he was like he was like would you rather have three quarters or six dimes and I was like three quarters and then he was like why I was like because it's more money and then he goes then he follows up with me and he goes how much is how much what's the difference between three quarters and six dimes? And I'm sitting there. I'm like, three-fourths. Oh, that's like seven cents. And I was like, in my head, I said pennies instead of dimes. I was thinking pennies.

And I was just like, oh, my God. None of it made sense. And I was just like, I feel so stupid right now. And then I finally got it after like five minutes. What is the difference between three quarters and six times? You can't ask me that at this hour. Sam, what is the difference between three quarters? I'm not doing this right now.

I'm not a math guy. I'm not doing this. Three quarters is how much? Three quarters is how much? 75 cents. Okay. How much is six times? 60 cents. What is the difference? 15 cents. Okay. How much is six times? 60 cents.

What is the difference? 15 cents. There we go. Thank you. It took me five minutes to figure it out. But then it gets better. And then he goes, all right, Sam,

I'm going to tell you three words and you're going to have to remember them at the end of the examination. And I was like, I'm so fucked. I can't even remember what I had for breakfast and he goes oh my god these are so fucking hard he goes it was like beets cucumber and eggplant and like an eggplant and I'm just like what the fuck are we talking about right now

and so in my head I shit you not he's asking these questions he was like how's your you know how's your breathing how's like it was like a physical you know and in my head while he's asking these questions i'm like beats cucumber eggplant beats cucumber eggplant just like going through my head so when he came back around i was just like on it right away and i said beets asparagus i was so far off i don't even know why asparagus came to my head quick question before i get to what the fuck what kind of examination was this?

Dude, I don't know, man. I don't know. I went in for a physical. Was this one of your girlfriend's doctors? No, I went into a physical and was looking. I was like, I'm not going to want to meet me. I was like, I am going to get my balls grazed. You know, I got my balls fondled a lot this year.

That's right. I know you did. And I thought I had no I had no no ball graze and he was like and he straight up told me it was i thought it was the funniest thing but i couldn't i couldn't laugh um because you're a doctor you get respectful and stuff but he was like you can laugh he was like he was like i'm not gonna touch your balls today flat out just says this to me and i'm just like i'm like oh my god okay so, like, all this other shit happens. And, like, we're talking about this.

The eggplant thing came up. I'm like, what the fuck is this right now? I mean, there's no end to this story. This is a terrible ending. I'm sorry. This is why I'm not a comedian. I don't have punchlines. But, like, I couldn't believe it.

These questions, I did not know I was going into this physical being, like, math questions, one. And, two, I have to remember vegetables that I could give two fucks about. I ended on something. Yeah. And I actually have a question for both of you. Oh, fuck. It's a serious kind of ish one. It's a quick one.

Well, I think it would be a really good ending if I went, he doesn't have punchlines, but he's got thoughts. That would have been good, yeah. Clip that in there. What's your question, Michael? I don't know if I was doing questions when you did the first one, and I don't think we were smart enough to do it during the second one. Well, the Miami one well the miami one you did uh um oh i did do this then you did do no oh what do you have to do by the next between your

next birthday do you remember what you said i don't find a home okay so you said that you found your parents home yeah shut up no rent you live by yourself though That's fine In an unreal house in Arizona So And I don't think we did it The second or third time Because we were laughing over chipmunks Chipmunks yeah Okay so this one

Simple This is for both of you It's not a collective answer You go first Thank god No I don't want to go first I'll go first I don't have a good thought

So I do have good thoughts. I knew it. This man's, I think this is when he's going to turn it on or it's going to get dumber. Worse. Yeah. It's going to get better. What is your meaning of life? What the fuck?

Like no one knows the meaning of life, but if you had to pick one for you or what you think it is in one to five words i'm not gonna do one to five words that's too little that's one again math no i'm not i'm not i'm not but i will say i think i think this is is mine because it's something I just truly love, and I really hope that I get into it one day. I'm not there yet. Baseball. No, no, no, no, no. It's a lot more serious than that because you want me to be serious.

I'm going to be serious. I really want to get involved in fundraising, fundraising either for children or some type of mental health or some type of like disease or whatever it is it doesn't have to affect me personally but I've really loved working in sports and kind of being involved in that I work in Arizona we have a big fundraiser that I'm a part of for Boys and Girls Club, as well as I just landed a Make-A-Wish deal as well. So I'm going to be helping them out with a pickleball tournament. But it's really stuff like that that I really enjoy and I really love because it's so wholesome

and it really brings a lot of joy to me knowing that I'm doing something better than what I am and better, you know, to help people. Because, you know, I know I've had a really great life. And I know that I've been very blessed with family and friends and the opportunities that I've had that I really want to just give back. And so I really think that that has been like a calling for me. think that that has been like a calling uh for me and if it's not in my personal job or my personal career that it's always going to be on the back side of it where i'm going to do that in some way somehow because of how much it means to me and how much that i want to be involved in that stuff so i really think that would be my meaning of life and that's what i think would bring the most joy toward me in this really fucked up world

that we're in right now see we're well-rounded we went from drinking whatever just real quick if you were to summarize that in one to three words what would that be though community yeah make people happy man i want to see other people as happy as I have been throughout my entire life. Giving back. Yeah, and I've had the ups and downs, obviously, that everyone's had, but I really want to make other people that would be less fortunate or have certain differences have the opportunity to have their dreams or at least push them toward that where it's toward you

know fundraising uh either like you know different stuff like that or um yes i know sorry but or like or even just like giving back in any way i would love to do that because it's just like when i worked for the orange bowl you remember that like all that stuff yeah you remember that but like all that stuff that we were doing there it was so wholesome and so fun to do to see the smile on kids faces i'll never forget that ever so i really want to do that there were a lot of smiles there also a lot of people being like you're not a real orange and that would kick you and then i would have to take pictures of it so if you stare up that's's okay, man. At least they had a smile on their face,

even though they beat the shit out of me as an orange. Thank you for that. I feel weird following up on that. Yeah, because it was so fucking good. I told you to go first. Let me give you a palate cleanser. Mine was to live. Connor's was empathy.

Rachel's is balance. Okay. I think I have a good one. Sam's was four million words. I think I have a good one. Community and giving back. I think I have a good one that's like a little bit of an explanation. I think I was going to go with a one word as well.

Okay. Strength. Okay. And I feel like that can be applied to multiple different things. Like when life gets you down, you have the strength to build yourself back up and live on. But then just to like... It's like resilience. Fuck off.

I like resilience. That's better. It sounds like a tattoo that some white girl would get. Some white girl has on her ankle. Same with strength, though. The same. But that's what I mean. I just want to be happy even though life's shitty.

I like it. That's pretty much it. Yeah. This is your meaning. This isn't for everyone else. This is yours. Yeah, I'm not going to... Whatever.

If you have another goddamn thought, I swear to God, I'm going to shove this microphone up your ass. No, man. I just... freaking love you guys, man. Oh, right. No, I'm just kidding.

You guys can suck my balls. Sam, say something nice about your sister. You guys can suck my balls. Sam, say something nice about your sister. You look exactly like me without a beard. All right, Sarah, say something less weird about your brother. I literally can't. You have good thoughts Fuck yeah I do

And we are done Thanks guys