Fat Chance Podcast - Tramp Stamps & Mac n Cheese Ep. 113

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

Brains were operating at 25% this week! Jack gets his fiancé to stop barking... Michael is buying produce in BULK. Judd has a breakthrough in the medical field! SPONSORED BY: Booze Better Supplements: Use the link below to start drinking better and recovering faster! https://www.supplementsolutions.us/?ref=67FwapSjNHdTKo PATREON!!!! patreon.com/fatchancestudios CHECK OUT THE NEW FAT CHANCE SHORTS CHANNEL!!! @FatChanceShorts https://youtube.com/@FatChanceShorts?si=wCjiBc0ddHEYk_bs Get your Chewzie TODAY! @TheChewzie https://www.thechewzie.com Check Out The Crew: Michael Cuske - @michaelcuske on everything Judd Reminger - @juddremingerscomedy7298 @juddreminger on all other socials Jack Cerasoli - @jackthedragon1 or @jack_c_comedy Diego Avila - @trashpimp (photography)

Costco is like, it's a double-edged sword. You want to go there. There's some things you're like, you know what? I want avocados in bulk. I'm kind of feeling it. Or potatoes. That's a dangerous game to play. Avocados are probably the worst thing to buy in bulk.

Terrible. Literally the first thing you said was the dumbest thing you could possibly say. That is funny. Can we do anything else? Maybe like a scissors? No, I want the chainsaw. The pictures of the chainsaw, they look a lot like a dildo. They do.

It looks like a penis. And it's one of these chainsaws. It looks like an egg beater. Like a crank window. George Washington was fighting for our freedom when they came out with this thing. Yeah, but he also had wooden teeth? Yeah, yeah. George Washington was fighting for our freedom when they came out with this thing. Yeah, but he also had wooden teeth. Yeah, yeah. Which they probably could have used the chainsaw for, but instead they were using it on women giving birth.

How wild is that? He had whale bone or something shit in his teeth. It was all fake teeth. I thought he had slave teeth. It was slave teeth. Let's not go there. I don't know if that's... You mean the truth?

That's what it was. Already cutting stuff. We're so early in the episode. It's just going to go to the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Jack went too far. I want to have a whole episode of just that. Just like us. Dude, the music was so funny, and it was so unnecessarily long.

I think this ended like, our breaking the rules ended like five seconds ago, and the music is still going. I thought it was hysterical. It's literally my favorite thing. I think it's funnier than anything we even said. It was so funny. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Which I still am laughing at the belly button video.

Still am laughing at it. You should talk about your belly button. Yeah, we have an update. We have a belly button update. Yeah. My mom, I was with her for Easter yesterday, and she goes, you're lucky I didn't comment. I was like, do you have my belly button? She goes, no. You almost died. Apparently, I'm the firstborn. and she goes you're lucky i didn't comment i was like uh do you have my belly button she goes no

you almost died um apparently i'm the first born my parents didn't know how to take care of a kid when i came they uh apparently when you like twist it off or whatever you have like a belly button clip on uh they didn't know you were supposed to have that clip removed before you take the baby home they thought oh the clip just comes off. It's like a chip clip. Yeah, it's like a chip clip right here. Is your belly button normal size? You know what they did. No, but it's like half innie, half outie.

It's in, but it's like fucked up. Yeah, mine was like that too. Yeah, and so that's probably why. Your parents left the store with the ink thing on. They walked out with the merchandise, and it didn't beep, and they're like, oh, we got home. We don't want to remove this. Yeah.

Does anyone have a magnet? Yeah. So I, like, I got, like, a really high fever. And apparently in, like, the first 72 hours or 10 days or whatever, if you take your baby back, you can return it. Yep. No, they just automatically. no they just are with a good belly button with a belly button that's already removed um and so they admitted me and uh

they're like oh we're just gonna keep them for like 10 days um and my mom they had to like escort my mom out of the room because she was in hysterics because they were like bending me in half trying to do a spinal tap because they couldn't get into me. They were like, we just got to make sure he doesn't die. But I'm here. I made it. That's why I'm so short.

The doctor's cut his spine in half. Like, we have to cut your baby in half to get the belly button out. They got rid of three inches. Not on his spine. Yeah. Now, out of your your siblings are you the shortest actually i think i could be or basically like spot on which is nice yeah so i don't think it was ever i mean no it's definitely not my five nine dad and my five four mom that like really

hindered the height production in the family but i think i'm gonna blame it on the spinal tap at age 72 hours that happened that the belly was same thing belly for the belly button thing happened to my dad and he honestly for the longest time he had the biggest belly button i've ever seen in my entire life it was like this big and it was like this deep it looked like a shot shot glass. That's like a fat person belly button. That's a great belly shot. When you see someone's belly button, you're like, I could lose my finger in there. They're overweight.

You could fit 72 Baker's M&M's in his belly button. Did you say Baker's M&M's? Yeah, because they're like M&M minis basically. Oh, okay. And I remember thinking that's like, oh, that's a grown man's belly button. Like when I get older, that's going to be an adult belly button. And then i saw another grown man and i was like holy shit dad that guy has the same belly button as me and he's like

ah i don't know how to tell you this because legitimately like the first like from like when i was three when i could start talking to when i was like seven i was like i can't wait to have a belly button like your dad's yours dad because i'm going to store so many things in it and then i saw another grown man's belly button and my whole world was rocked. It's weird what we hold on to as kids, what you really want to be. And then you grow up and you're like, why did I want it? All I wanted was to be dad

and the infinite belly button. I just want to store food in my belly button, and you stole it from me, dad. I wanted to not have to buy bowls when I'm older and just eat. I could put salsa in there. it was the biggest fucking thing ever was it wide yeah it was like it was this wide you could put a johnsonville brat in it and it would have room to wiggle it's a lot different than uh baker's m&m baker's m&m is that was the name of the M&M company a thousand percent

he's like Baker's M&M no I had no idea what you were saying I was like and then he goes M&M minis I'm like

why not just say M&M minis because that's the story my mom and dad told about it so I guess I probably should just say I had a friend

who used to have a caved in chest oh I've seen those yeah he used to eat cereal out of it that's insane because the milk dribbles on the way up.

Oh, yeah. His name is Cade. He no longer has the caved-in chest. He had two bars put in so that it would stop caving. It looks like it. But, yeah. Wait, it was just gradually caving? It was a caved-in chest.

And then he had trouble, like, breathing. He played sports and stuff, and he had trouble breathing. And then they put two bars in there for stability. Could he palm a basketball with it? He did play basketball, which is very funny. Someone gives him a hard chest pass, and he just turns and is like, fuck. Just stuck right there. Would that be a travel?

Like Iron Man? Yes, and if he moved his feet. But technically he's not holding it. He just has to pivot. I think in soccer it's not a travel, right? Like soccer, you can run with the ball on your head. Yeah. Yeah.

On your neck. Soccer and basketball are opposites. I'm trying to think of a sport where he wouldn't travel. I'm only referencing kicking and screaming for this. That's a good fucking movie. Let's ask Will Ferrell. Oh. Did you get a dog?

Yeah, two of them. When did you get two dogs? A while ago. I think the boss is home. I'm going to talk to him. Oh, that's her barking? Yeah. She was really mad at me

because I didn't finish painting the cabinets. She's actually done a lot of the work for it, but I repainted the cabinets. Got some paint on me. That was really annoying. How was your Easter, boys?

Good. I went to brunch. Brunch? Went to Sweet Diner. With the lady. And then... How do we shut up the dogs? Yeah.

We'll play the game. Hey, shut up! Shit. All right, you guys... Jen's home You went to brunch, you painted cabinets I have divorced parents, I had brunch and dinner Oh that's fun

My mom does this thing where she goes Yeah, I mean she likes to buy food So we have leftovers Which honestly I was pumped about last night But I called her in the morning I go what are you doing She goes oh, I figured we just I bought like one vegetable, some potatoes and some meat kept it light i get there four giant

ribeye steaks 12 lamb chops and a costco sized bag of potatoes and broccoli this is enough for all of us for a week that seems like too much though it was i mean i had two lamb chops for lunch today that was a great lunch okay one second i'm gonna go take care of the dogs but before we do i think we're about to hit that five minute mark drink wisconsinably is a great brand and we've got some wonderful cups right here not filled with their alcohol but it's been it's been pretty good we've got some brandy here judd will take a slug now because jack and i already took one before he got here we thought he died on the way here so we we're like, we should draw on our cards. And then you guys do your natural ad read.

I'll be back. So, you ever have trouble grabbing brandy? Yeah. I have trouble grabbing brandy all the time. Or like, I'm like, I don't know what brandy it is, like looking at the bottle. I never know what kind of brandy to get. That's the best thing I've ever seen. Just having a big brandy on it, you're going to grab for it every single time.

You're going to know exactly what brandy it is. It could be dark in there. You just grab the one that says brandy. You know, that's actually a good point because there are a lot of booze that you need. If you're having a cocktail in there or something like that, and you're like, I need brandy, and a lot of people just aren't informed by it. That's great. Like, hey, I'm looking for brandy.

There it is. You know what? I think a lot of brands, if they just put vodka on it... You grab it. You're a bartender. You're in a hurry. I'm grabbing the bottle that says brandy. It's alcohol for dummies.

Honestly, this is foolproof alcohol. You can read this, grab this, and it's great. And if you can't read it, some of you might say Andy or Randy or Brad. Honestly, Brandy will make you Randy. Yeah. And he's back. We can cut that. I don't know.

I just got the tail end of that, and that was terrible. Brandy will make you Randy. Oh, we were also talking about how you could easily pick out this Brandy bottle, which is the best thing about it. Oh, yes. What is this? What if you're like in the dark trying to get a bottle of Brandy? You're like, grab the Brandy. Oh, it says Brandy right on it.

That was our bitch. Have you ever been in the nighttime and looking for a bottle of Brandy? Well, if you have a flashlight, you can find it. Also, Kuski did say it's brandy for dummies, so I don't know if that's going to make it. Well, it is. It's not brandy for dummies.

It's labeling. Not labeling. That's even worse. Here's the thing. If you drink it like this, you can see the map of Wisconsin upside down because they have it printed on the back of it. Keep digging that hole. Yeah, keep digging the hole, Michael.

So funny. Are you boys going to play the game? Yeah, why not? Do we have to do the ad read? Are we doing this? Because we can cut all that. Do you guys like the ad read? We're fine.

We're good. All right. That was great. What's the worst that could happen? It's going to be brandy. It's good. It's not on the bottle. Let's get it on the bottle. No, it's good. It's not on the bottle. Let's get it on the bottle.

No, it's damn good. Oh, it's damn good. Everything you love about Wisconsin compressed, distilled, and bottled for your enjoyment. There you go. Think responsibly. Think responsibly. All right, you boys ready to play the game? Yeah.

All right. This is, what does it have in common? All right. I'm going to say two words And it's going to have something Another word in common And it could be a saying, could be a slogan Could be anything

But it has another word in common Is this a game you think might suck? Yes Alright, the back of the game sucks Here are the two words Oregon and mix What does it have in common. Oregon and mix. What does it have in common? Oregon and mix?

Make sure you buzz in. Oregon and mix. Oregon and mix. Oregon is a mix. Buzz. Oregon is a mix of or and gone. Incorrect. Buzz.

Yes. We're going to have to cut it. I'll just pass. I'll just pass. God damn it, Joe. It's the first question. Basically, it's one word. One word is always going to be the answer?

One word, yes, that has in common with Oregon and mix. Oh, trail. That's correct. That's good. That was a terrible high five. It was. Yeah, it was a terrible first. You guys were... Alright, here we go. Listen, we don't listen. Next one. Ferris and fortune. Wheel.

That's correct. Wheel. Honestly, he said Ferris and I said wheel Yeah Alright First Last And Gaga

Lady That's correct God Did you say the words Spin And rocket Spin and rocket Spin and rocket

Shit Spin and rocket Spin and rocket Shit Um Spin and rocket Like spin you round and round Um Merry go round Rocket ship Elton John

Oh that's a good one That's a good one No Um Ship Incorrect What is it Propeller Incorrect Oh, that's a good one. No. Ship. Incorrect. What is it?

Propeller. Incorrect. Helicopter. Incorrect. Brandy. Incorrect. Vodka. You are getting closer.

Booze. Friend. No. Spin and rocket. You ever have a rocket friend? Right? Rocket man. Rocket man? Who would be a friend?

And then friendship But ship is not the word It's spin Honestly All of that If I were to watch all of that You just saying a bunch of random words I'd be like

This guy has autism for sure Ship spin Ship is a man But man is friend Man has ship It's like you clicking to like You know like a Wikipedia race. You ever wonder how my brain works sometimes?

Are you ready for it? The answer? You guys want to hear the answer? Spin and ship. Spin and rocket. No. Spin. Yeah.

Bottle. Bottle rocket. Ah, ship in a bottle. Ship isn't a word. Oh, it's spin. Spin. You dummy. I said ship. He said ship. He's getting way too into it. But bottle does work for ship

We could have gotten there eventually Imagine if you're like ship in a bottle Wait have you ever played the game What's the game called where it starts with one word and ends with another And there's a bunch of words in between That's what we were doing Oh chain reaction A sentence

I'm kind of feeling these right now No it's because you took a pull out of the brandy what we were doing. Oh, chain reaction. Yeah. Chain reaction. A sentence. I'm kind of feeling these right now. No, it's because you took a pull out of the brandy. Hat and treat. Cat. What? I mean, cat in the hat and cat treats? Yeah. Hat and treat? Yeah. It's not the one I have written down. But it's right.

I mean, for a different answer, sure. That's the one I have written down. Potato, tomato. That frustrates me to this day. Hat and treat. But you get what I'm saying. Cat and treat. Or is it hat and treat?

We are not good at this. Boy, you say words and I get confused. Hat and treat Halloween Trick or treat That is correct Hat trick Trick or treat Trick

Cotton and crush Candy That is correct. Don't even. Over there. I saw you. I saw. Anyways.

Dog. That's what I was going to do. Dog. And fight. Pitbull. Michael Vick. Plain. That's true.

He did fight dogs. And he got that dog in him as well And he fought back to win his reputation Dog and fight Dog and fight Planes Dog fight Fight dog

Ship cat Halloween Bottles dog Spin the bottle Dog fight Hurting two idiots Dog. Spin the bottle. Dog fight. Hurting two idiots. Would it be hurting if it's only two? Weird.

It's like saying a bunch of words at people that don't know the answer and going, why don't you know the answer? He's saying words from last three questions ago. What are the two words again? Dog and fight? Yeah. Cat. Incorrect. Cat fight.. Cat. Incorrect. Cat fight.

Cat dog. Incorrect. Again, we have the right answers. We're getting there. They're synonyms. Dog and fight. Pitbull. Mr. Worldwide.

Mr. 305. Fireball. Ale Ocho. Fireball. Dog. Fight. Bar. Mr. 305 Fireball Ale Ocho Fireball Dog Fight Bar Incorrect Dog bar bar fight

Mad Incorrect Mad dog Mad fight You fight when you're mad Of course You want the answer Yeah

Food Food fight Dog Dog food I haven't had food fights In years Cat treats wasn't a thing well cat treats was a stretch why was cat treats a stretch cat hat in the hat would have been i mean that's a good one i'm not gonna say one of them all right ready fish and wars

water head incorrect incorrect Fish head and warheads. Fish. We've given him more answers than he's given us. Rainbow. That's a worse answer than what's on his head. Fish and war. Fish and war. Rainbow fish.

Water. Water wars. That's what he said already. I said that already. You're doing the same thing. We switch spots. I always take the second half. I always do. I always come back.

It takes me a second to adjust to the game. Yeah, to figure out what the game is. Wait, is war the answer? Or water the answer? Fish and wars. Wars? Yeah. Neither of you got the answer. Oh, beta. Starfish, Star Wars. I should have gotten that. I know. I thought you were going to.

You dork. But I don't like starfish. Golf and hair. Golf and hair? Golf and hair. Caddyshack. Even my dumb brain didn't get that one. I just said the first thing that made me think of golf. Golf and hair.

Golf and hair. Golf and hair. Golf and hair. Golf and hair. We have another beer. Yeah, we do. Golf and hair. Do we have another beer? Yeah, we do. Golf and hair. Hair of the dog.

You got that dog in me when I'm golfing. Golf par. Birdie. Birdie hair. Bird dog. Eagle hair. Eagle. Feather.

It's golf and what? Driver. Driver. Putt hair. I don't know. Give us the answer. I want golf and what? Driver. Driver. Putt. Hair. I don't know. Give us the answer. I want to think about it more.

Coarse. Coarse hair. Coarse hair. I would have never gotten that. Yeah, no way. Stamp and cloud. Rain. Tramp. Tramp cloud. Tramp cloud.

Tramp stamp. It's the most important type of stamp. It always gets where it needs to go. And it stays there, too. No, not for long. They find another spot. Tramp stamps, aren't they permanent? Yeah, but the woman wearing the tramp stamp

She's a flightless You don't know where she ends up So what is it? Tramp and What is it? Tramp and stamp Stamp and cloud Horse

Stamp and cloud You guys confuse us Sluts So much Just by the same words And you just forget You guys confuse me so much. Just by the same words. And you just forget what you're doing. What is it again?

Is it mail? Incorrect. Stamp and cloud. Stamp. FedEx. Ink. It's mushroom. Mushroom stamp?

Okay, that one was a dirty one. We should have got that one. Yeah, I thought that would be the best. That's all I got because this game is excruciating to watch you idiots do that. You know what's excruciating? The fact that you said excruciating because we know that's not the word. The fact that I thought you were going to double down on excruciating, I was ready to go on both of you. He goes, that was excruciating.

And you're giving us word reference games. Excruciating. Excruciating. We've done this for almost a year now. He knows we're terrible at these. He goes, let's see if we can make these monkeys dance one more time. Do you want to wait? Give it a second.

We can wait. We can also save it for next round if we can squeeze in next round. Can I have another one of the sea salt? There's none left. Do you want this one? No. I'll pour it in your cup. No.

I'll just have another beer. You finish your beer. No, just have another beer. Also, my sock has a little extra hole in it. Show the crowd. Are they your Easter socks? Because mine are also hole-y. He is risen!

Wait, do I have one? No, no holes. Okay, two. These are two for one. How's Bobo been? Did you hit a Bobo? I hit a Bobo. I hit a great one, and the jelly was a lot better.

I was so mad I had to work so long today because I was going to go to the store and bring a loaf of bread, peanut butter, and jelly, and I was going to force one down your throat. Judd makes us look like idiots on camera, and we just make Judd eat food he doesn't like. What else don't you like? Let's go hot way. You like peanut butter?

What are we doing? Okay, peanut butter came out of left field, though. You didn't tell us about it. I also don't like mushrooms. I won't stamp you then. The thing's right there, you animal. Drink Wisconsinably. I was going to give you the bottle opener.

That looked badass. If I cut it right. It took you two tries. It took you two tries. It looked like you should see a dentist. Speaking of the dentist, I have not been in years.

The last time I went to the dentist, I had a scooter there. I'm just kidding. The rollerblading thing. I'm just teasing. I'm being silly. Oh my god. Jack's being silly. Do you guys have things where you look at and your brain just can't process it?

Yeah. Just give me an example. Someone gave me a time in military time. Can't figure it out for the life of me. I freeze up. That's a good one. I don't know if I can give you another example, but I wouldn't say it's like I couldn't process it.

It depends on how well my brain is processing, whether or not it happens. There are times like, oh, military time. They're like, it's 1300 or it's 1 p.m. The metric system for me too. That's bullshit. It's not processing. That doesn't exist.

Google what it means. That's the thing. When you're doing the inches to centimeters or whatever, kilograms to liters. Yeah, it's all just like. Thank God. If the internet wasn't around, we'd be dead. I also hate teaspoon and tablespoon. Why?

They're too close. TSP and TBS, right? TSP and TBS. Yeah. Or TSP and TBS. right? TSP and TBS. Yeah. Yeah, TSP and TBS. Yeah, isn't that wild? It's so stupid because legitimately they're 2DM close. Sometimes you're like, I think that's tablespoon.

Yeah. Yeah. What I don't like is in the – I tried making a carrot cake once. Don't know why. But in the old cookbooks, my mom had one from when she started work, T, tablespoon and teaspoon is just lowercase T, uppercase T. And if you're going quickly, I was just like, everything's a tablespoon. Do you know how salty that cake was?

It was disgusting. It came out like, this tastes like a candle. My first time, like, I never really cooked. And I didn't cook until i was out of college pretty much i was over at a friend's place 20 years ago i know but i was over at a friend's place when i was uh probably like 12 to 13 and i didn't know how to cook or anything but he had those uh those mac and cheese cups and i was like oh i'm gonna give me one of those i'm gonna eat one of those and we gonna eat one of those

and we'll watch a movie or whatever and it said on there how much water you're supposed to pull it up and just put it in the microwave and it said three or four cups so I was like I want mine to be creamy so I put four cups in there. Into small cups? And it was like overflowing. I put it in another bowl. I'm like, this is weird. I don't know why this should happen. At one point, would you need a different dish? And I come down, and I'm in a different dish, and my buddy's like, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know.

I think you have bad mac and cheese. It's very soupy. Because I poured the cheese in and everything. You're literally just having cheese and water. It was awful. It was disgusting. At one point, he was like, cops. Those cops are only a cop.

And you put four cops in. Well, you know what happened? No. On the back, it says three slash four. Yeah, I figured that part out. I'm like, three and four. Whichever one you want. Yeah.

Depends for the hair. You know, at that age, that's a good mistake. But that's amazing. That's really good. I don't know if I have any other, like, cooking blood. So are we. That's funny. That's amazing. Holy shit you pour the second cup and

you're like why is this river flowing and you dump it into this gigantic bowl because a bowl that holds four cups of water is insane at that point it's gotta just be like clear more water makes it creamier. It's also wild to me. That's creamy. I need it creamier. This is water. You're going to water it down.

That's so good. I'm thankful that it happened. I am too. That's amazing. I actually used to cook my steaks in college on a George Foreman grill. That's good. That's fine. That's fine.

You're in college. You could bounce those things off the wall and come back to you. I had a buddy in college who had never cooked in his life, and we are sophomores. No, juniors in college. And he comes up to me and my other roommate. He goes, hey, guys, I'm going to make pasta and, like, a kielbasa sausage. And I'm like, okay. juniors in college and he comes up to me and my other roommate he goes hey guys i'm gonna make pasta and like a kielbasa sausage and i'm like okay he goes uh what temp do i put the water to

boil it i'm like fucking hot dude he goes but like how high all the way you should have gave him like a temperature gauge make sure it gets to like one it He's like, it's not hitting 4,000. Like, why? But that like baffles me because that seems to be like common knowledge. You learn that at some point growing up. I don't think anyone's parents are like, hey, I'm going to teach you how to boil water. You just kind of figure it out. But to be funny.

To put four cups of water in a mac and cheese cup. Okay, so this isn't a good sounding board. But he did it at 12 years old, so he learned trial by air yeah he didn't do it at 12 i was like 12 or 13 yeah or they said he was you were out of college when you know no i didn't i was it was i was that was when i was young because i never i never learned to god i was picturing you were 26 doing this because you're like i was out of college no no i didn't i didn't learn to cook until i was on college so i never like oh okay so okay we're good now we're i was picturing you with a beard doing it did you did you stop cooking after that you're like i'm done i know i just never did it i was

i was always my mom was a stay-at-home mom she always had like food for me she was great and packed my lunches and stuff like that so i never never really had to have food to learn how to cook. That's nice. I didn't really teach myself how to cook until the pandemic time. I'm bored. Let's really learn. And then I went way too deep. I started smoking meat.

Yeah, you had a window ham. Yeah, I had a window ham. We talked about that at Easter brunch. I had a window ham and that was I think we should do that again We could put it in one of these windows Were you not there for the window ham? No

When was your ham in a window? Only when I get out of the shower I had a window ham Was it last year? Yeah it was last year We can cut that right Just cause it was bad I don't think it was last year just because it was bad I don't think it was anything else

no we had a so I had I had my surgery last year the appendectomy but so it was during Christmas and my mom bought a Spanish ham like still on the bubble from Costco but it's cured so it could just stay in

the package for a super long time and i was supposed to like carve it up we were gonna have it as a super nice charcuterie board for christmas and all that and then i almost died and then mom was like we just ain't gonna touch this and so she gave it to me three weeks later he goes you want to do something with this? We're not going to do anything with it. So I was like, sure, I'll take the ham. It comes with a stand and a knife. That's sick.

It's like a full-legged ham. I know the Spanish hams where it stays out. They keep it on their kitchen island. People are slicing it super thin, whatever. Yeah. And so I bring it back. Rachel comes to visit. And I go, you guys, we should, like, let's just hang out tonight.

We'll have, like, wine. We'll do charcuterie board. I have this whole ham. We don't need to get meats. Don't worry. I got it. So I bring this ham out. And there's so much fat on it that's, like, rancid mold.

You got to cut it off. Then save it and cover it when you're done. And then you don't put it in the fridge. You just leave it in a cool, dry area. Wait, you save the rancid? Yeah, like the fat. To cover the. Yeah just leave it in a cool dry area you save the fat yeah like the fat to cover the yeah because it keeps it moist gotcha so at one point we're having a charcuterie but i can show you the pictures and rachel's cutting a full leg of ham and then there's

ritz crackers to the left so like like what could be the coolest charcuterie board ever yeah we just picked up crackers like we had crackers and olives. We're good. And so we all took turns doing it. And it's supposed to be like, everyone's bought prosciutto from the store. Paper thin. It's delicious. We have beef jerky chunks coming out of this thing.

We don't know which way to cut it. And then when you're done with it, because you can't eat a leg of ham. Even if my family did it on Christmasmas we wouldn't have gotten anywhere close so i was like i don't know what to do with it looked it up cool dry area i go the coolest dry area we have is the window so i put the fat back on cover it in a towel and then i put it in the window and then judd came for a podcast and go hey i have something for you to do and he goes well i go i have a window ham he goes what does that mean and then i brought out a ham he's like what the fuck is wrong with you so i basically had to cut

this ham just like this massive piece of ham as thinly as i could and i made him eat it and i was and i was like no eat it and i was like i think he's fucking with me he just had a ham expiring in his window he's like i'm gonna see if this idiot will eat this ham. You know what? The best part is he's been with us ever since. Basically, you've done almost every episode since. Mind trick ham. And I made two other people eat the ham after.

Was the ham good? It was. It's prosciutto. It's not bad. I mean, it's cured, so it should. I want to get one of those now. I want a ham window ham. It's like $100, $125 from Costco around Christmas time.

It would just last forever, probably. The amount of meat you should get out of it is probably $500, $600, $700 of meat. God, I love Costco. Costco is great. I just got a Costco membership. Really? Yeah, recently, because I'm doing some traveling, and I looked at... Oh, you get Costco travel, yeah.

Car rentals. And I was like, oh, I got to rent a car because I'm going to be in Tennessee for like a week, and I'm doing some shows, and there's a wedding, and then the wedding's in the mountains, so I have to drive no matter what. So I look at car rentals, and car rentals are worth $600 for the week. I'm like, that's pretty crazy. And then I started doing some research, and everyone's like, hey, go to Costco. Go to Costco Travel.

They have rental cars at Costco? Same place that I rented was going to rent a car for $600. I got it for $360 from Costco Travel. Costco Travel is- Same car, same everything. And I literally only had to buy a Costco membership, so it literally paid for itself right there. We should all go to Costco one day and eat a fuckload of hot dogs. I would do it.

I would do it. First of all, I've never been to Costco before. It's fun. You're going to spend a lot of money. I should have went to the food. You've got to go to the food court first. I've never eaten at Costco. The chicken bake is great.

The hot dog is great. The pizza, it's like. It's good. You can feed. The pizza is like. This isn't brought to you by Costco, by the way. But you can feed a family off of that pizza for like $12. If you had a lot of kids, you get one of those pizzas.

They're good. I did see something. It was like when Costco first opened, the price of the food versus the price now. Exact same. It's almost the exact same. Yeah, because it's so cheap. That's the thing. You go there first, get a smoothie.

Smoothies are great. And then go do your shopping. Then you have a $1 smoothie. It's great. It's so cheap. I mean, $1.50 for a foot-long hot dog. It's crazy. It's a great deal.

I mean, is it good food? No. No, you're not going there to be healthy. Like, you're not going to go get Costco food to be healthy. You're going there to get calories. Food court. Food court's not to be healthy, but if you go to Costco, they do have, like, a lot of, like, actually really good options.

Oh, yeah, you can get a full pound of granola just for, like, cheap. And I got the biggest bag of pistachios you would ever see in your lifetime. That's what I got. Costco is, like, it's a double-edged sword. You want to go there, there's some things you're like, you know what, I want avocados in bulk. I'm kind of feeling it. That's a dangerous game to play. Avocados are probably the worst thing to buy in bulk.

Terrible. Literally the first thing you said was the dumbest thing you could possibly say. What goes ripe right away as soon as you grab it? You have like 30 seconds to have a good avocado. You're right. As soon as you grab an avocado, I think it instantly goes ripe. But then there are items where like, I just need a loaf of bread.

Because Costco is like the exact opposite of Trader Joe's. The joke is like, the best part about Trader Joe's is going to the grocery store afterwards to get everything else and that's kind of like with costco like i have to go get stuff that i don't need 500 of for like i don't need 19 loaves of bread like you don't go to costco for like for grocery shopping like you don't go there every week or go there to get things you go there once a month to stock up on toilet paper and this crazy stuff that you wouldn't ever need. I stock up on meat there. We get dog food, chicken, beef, all that kind of stuff.

And then occasionally we'll just get something that we would like. Fun to try out, like a dip. But then the dips are like this fucking big. So you just got to share with people. I couldn't find the golf stuff, though. I don't know where the golf stuff is. Oh, it's – Do you go to the one in New Berlin?

Yeah, I went to the one in New Berlin. Yeah, it's right aisle, go down, and then it's right before you get to the T-shirts. They're good wedges. Well, T-shirts are in the middle. Yeah. It's right before you get to the T-shirts. It doesn't matter where the T-shirts are. It's right before it.

Okay, okay. Then it would have been. Okay. Yeah. It's just after the grills right before the snow pants. Snow pants are gone now, but they're on a good sale. They had golf. I went to the Costco in North Carolina because Rachel likes to go when I visit,

and she can get like protein powder and chicken and all that stuff. She can get protein powder. That's fine. And they had Callaway golf polos for $20. That's, I mean, I don't know how much you know about Callaway golf polos. Those are like $80. Jack, do you know how polos cost? Jack, you dumb brain.

We can all golf and you guys are going to go, oh, fuck. That's what's going to happen. I'm going to golf with you guys. I can't wait. Does your dumb idiot brain understand how money works? You smooth motherfucker. Do you know how much a t-shirt costs? Don't do it.

Stop it. Just stop doing this. I don't know much about golf, but I know about drinking beer, Judd. You don't know about pouring beer on that much. Yeah, but I couldn't. You don't know what pouring beer is that much Yeah I got Yeah but I couldn't I didn't have someone hold my mic for me When I talked shit

It was your job you didn't reach out What if a dentist watched this Oh I haven't seen one in years Okay So we eat at Costco We don't go to the dentist I go to the dentist We get it Okay. We've seen. So we eat at Costco. We don't go to the dentist. I go to the dentist.

Everyone, I go to the dentist. We get it. You have life insurance. Relax. So I grew up. I grew up. My aunt, my cousin, and my other aunt all worked at the same dental office. So they would schedule all our like cleanings and stuff

on the days we didn't have school or like the, you know, when you have a day off from school, I was at the dentist's office. That's terrible.

Yeah. So I've been at the dentist's office every year, every six months, get cleaning, every day, all that.

Yeah. I hated my dentist. I hate the dentist. I just remember my all that. Yeah. I hated my dentist. I hate the dentist. I just remember my dentist I was with. You got strong teeth, which means like you are trying your hardest to lose

all of your teeth. Yeah. It's like your teeth are really strong, but you got to start flossing. I get it. Honestly, the biggest regret I have, because when

I have braces, I got permanent retainers. And I can't floss between my teeth with a permanent retainers. Do you have them top and bottom? Mm-hmm. So I have them top and bottom, too. How far does it go?

It goes to the top of my teeth. So you got the blue ones? I have the top two teeth here, and then I have four, and then two, yeah. I have six or eight on the bottom and top two on the top. Do you get the blue thing? Blue, it's like a, it's like basically a horseshoe. It's like a thing you put underneath. I need to get those.

I was given them, but I never used them. I use the floss picks every once in a while. I did it the other day just because someone was stuck in my teeth. I was like, let's try the rest of the teeth. Got some nasty stuff out of there. It was good. I have a water pick. So do you, when you go to the dentist, do you not, are you not bleeding out when you

leave? Yeah. Because when I go to the dentist, when I go to the dentist, I'm like this. Also, I don't know why I thought of this, but like, you know how people are afraid of definitely afraid of needles? Yeah. When they get their blood drawn. Yeah.

Why don't they just floss? Why don't they just floss why don't they just floss those people like it was just the same amount of blood would come out of them i hate this take that i don't think they like the poke it's not the blood it's the poke no no like you guys are on different pages yeah completely different pages so the thing, you don't like to get your blood drawn. Oh. So you just tell them, hey, floss me instead. No, I get where you're going.

I just. I don't think you do. He's saying collect the blood. He's saying collect the blood from the flossing. From flossing. I know, but I think the fear of needles is not the blood. Correct. That's why flossing is the easier way to collect blood than shoving a needle in someone's arm.

We can move on. Yeah, we can move on. That's why flossing is the easier way to collect blood than shoving a needle in someone's arm There's only 12 of them on the clock I just said a military time to you. You were like, I don't know. Yeah. There you go. Full circle. But there's only 12 of them on the clock. Every time someone says military time to me, I'm like, just tell me the normal time. I'm not enlisting in the military. Military time is, by all means, more efficient. But to someone that's a civilian, like ourselves, it's not. The guys at booze butter they use military time because they're both they're two like military nutritionists and when he was scheduling me he goes all right let's meet at like 400 i go that's three okay that's 4 a.m it's 4 a.m oh i was

thinking 1400 and then he's like oh sorry, sorry. No, I look dumb. He goes like, typo, 1400. And I'm like, dude, I'm like, and he goes, central or Pacific? I go, what's four? 400 is 2 AM. So that's why I didn't assume we'd have a meeting at 2 AM. Why is 400 2 AM? 4 AM. What are you talking about?

I feel like we're all getting dumber in the room. Just from... Can we just go to next week? Can we just do next week now? We've got to crack the door. This is getting hot in here. Can we do next week now? This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare.

Man. I saw Dune. Did you? Yeah. The first one or... The second one Holy shit I walked out of there Jazzed

And you're like I'm ready for three I walked out I was walking out like Oh this is I feel pretty badass That movie got me jazzed up And I was walking on the stairs

I almost rolled my ankle And I was like I was like Oh I am I am mortal Were you trying to do the sand walk? No I don't have the

I can't do that with my ankles or my knees. I haven't seen Dune 1 or 2. You've got to watch them. You've got to. I have listened to the song Sandstorm. Do you want a synopsis of Dune? No, we're not going to get anywhere near there. Don't ruin Dune.

You're not going to watch it if you haven't watched it by now. They run in sand. That's all I need to know. And there. Don't ruin it. It was going to be like six words. You're not going to watch it if you haven't watched it by now. They run in sand. That's all I need to know. And die. Yeah. Yeah. They don't have them died in there. We will die.

But it's a good thing. Have you ever seen the movie Tremors? Yeah. I love that movie. Same thing. It actually is pretty similar. Yeah. Wait.

What's Tremors? Oh, you haven't seen Tremors? Tremors is so good. No, no, no. Tremors is way better. You're weirder. You're weirder, what's Tremors? Oh, you haven't seen Tremors? Tremors is so good. No, no, no. Tremors is way better. You're weirder for not seeing Tremors, actually. I mean, it didn't have a fuckable popcorn bucket, but it was pretty great. The Tremors was a movie about these giant worms that just could tell where you are.

Based off of walking. Yeah, based off of walking. Just like the dune worms, yeah. And they come up and eat you. Really? Yeah. They're not as big as the dune worms, though. They're not that big.

The dune worms could swallow a city. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen the movie Rubber? Oh, yeah, I've seen Rubber. Yeah, yeah. It was like the tire that kills you. I did a movie review on Rubber with my buddy, and we watched the movie, and we gave a full review about what it was, and man, it was like-

Did you pass? No. It was for a podcast. We were just doing- And we watched it, and we're like, what? How are we supposed to talk about this? Yeah.

We should do movie reviews. We could do that. We could do that. What do you want to do? Movie reviews? Okay. We have to keep it short. I used to do that

for a stand-up. I used to do like a movie review. Really? Yeah. I did Tim Finnegan does a great movie review.

Tasha does a great review. Human Centipede. If you've ever seen that, that's very funny. He goes, the most unbelievable thing in the entire movie is when it first starts, they get a flat tire and the women immediately stop. He goes, there's no way a woman would immediately stop. They're going to run 10 miles on that thing.

Before they're like I think something's going on with my car they're riding it to the rim that's so funny and also so true that's good good for Tosh if you guys want me to recite Tosh jokes again

the funny thing is I've had that happen and I've told you guys where I had an Uber driver where the tire just got shredded. And for like two miles, she's just like driving normally. And I look at my boy in the back. She goes, you hear that, right? He goes, we're going to die.

And she pulls her and goes, I think something's wrong with my car. I go, I don't think you have a fourth wheel. It's like a Fast and Furious movie. Just sparks are flying on the side of your car. I did. I was on a highway on my tire blow that was like the worst experience because you're just boom and you just so then i pulled into a gas station and thankfully the clerk behind me behind the the gas like the

desk and he was like oh what happened i was like oh i blew my tire i'm just gonna wait here for my friends because i don't have a i opened my trunk no jack no no tire so i was like oh man like literally just an empty hole sadness in there like so there i'm just waiting for my friends to come to pick me up and hopefully they have a jack and stuff he goes i just bought a jack today i was like what do you mean he bought it he goes i got a jack i was like okay and he goes do you want to use it? I was like, sure. He had like a NASCAR jack. I could literally, you could like go under the car. That's so sick. Pulled up, got a tire off.

Friends showed up. I went to Walmart. He's like, give me one of these tires. I'm like, all right. Go ahead. I elbowed the meow spoken here. And so got a tire, went back, put the jack back in the box just how it was uh gave it to the guy behind the counter said thank you so much you were amazing i appreciate

that and uh then about like two to three weeks later i went to that same gas station and i was like i want to give this guy like money because i didn't have money on time i overspent him cash and i was like i thought let's go there i went there i was like hey there was a guy it was a lady now behind the counter i was like there was a guy working here he was it was a rainy day he had a jack his i didn't get his name he had glasses and they're like yeah there's no one who works here with glasses the ghost ghost jack isn't that wild it is pretty wild Shot your tire from his car in the back really just wanted to use his jack So that's why he shot your tire waited for you to pull off and that was like guess what I have a jack And I was like, guess what?

I have a jack. No, he has a spike strip on the highway. He's just hoping to get a poor sucker to talk to him. I had a tire story where my tire blew out, and I was trying to change it. I was on the highway, but I wasn't going super fast when it happened, so it wasn't super spooky. But I was off the side of the road trying to change it, and it was right before the Conor McGregor fight,

and I had been partying the day before didn't bring a change of clothes and driving back to watch the Conor McGregor fight with Floyd Mayweather and so I'm wearing a lacrosse penny that's a belly shirt and acid wash cut off jeans and I'm trying to change my car

change my tire and a state trooper pulls over and was like hey what's going on i was like i just have a flat tire and uh it wasn't coming off like the do you think you were hammered no i was not hammered no but he was probably worried about it no i was gonna say did he think it was like me and like four other guys that were in my car that was driving us back and we all were dressed similarly ridiculous and he was like what's going on i said just tire and like i couldn't get the tire off like the what's the word this bolts because yeah it was like just like the lug nuts the lug nuts

it was angled wrong and so i couldn't pull it he goes well why don't you just donkey kick it do you remember that story that i told yeah and i was like um and he's like donkey kick it and so like i get on my hands and knees and like start kicking like this in my acid wash cut off jean shorts and crop top shirt and he goes no not not like that and he just kicks it like just standing up kicks it and it comes off and i was like why the fuck you tell me to donkey kick it just just tell me to kick the fucking tire. I felt like such a... You like a donkey? No. I was on my hands and knees doing this, like, looking so fruity.

And he's like, no, like this. And I'm like, fuck you. It looks like a hazing ritual is what it looked like. And then you looked sad, like Eeyore. Yeah. That was my joke. That was what... Did it on stage.

Yeah. Wow. Judd and I write very similarly. Or we used to when I used to write. She's about to come back, baby. Yeah, the resurrection of Jack is coming. He is risen. Jesus rose and so did Jack. All right, next episode.