F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 57 - Spooktacular 2019: The Spite Witch (feat. Cydney Penner)

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

Good day, boos and ghouls (and everyone in between or outside of).  Welcome to our first ever official Spooktacular!  That's right, you're used to the hottest sex advice, but this time around we're bringing you the spookiest advice and we've even got the spookiest guest host we could find... The Spite Witch herself!  Topics include a sneaky pair of panties, spooky sex injuries, a germane porn review, haunted house boners, the latest in the BetterBetch saga, fantasizing about "taking" virginity.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Day Miller. And I am Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. Oh. And we are your fuck buddies. Oh wait, we are your fuck buddies.

Nice, spooky episode, in case you hadn't inferred that already. It's Spooktober! Oh, Jesus Christ. I just placed too much whiskey in my mouth. Good job. What was I saying last week? I can't remember. It's Spooktober! It's your boys Nile and Dane. I don't remember. It's coming straight out of the ghost house. ghost house ghost house yeah welcome to the spooky episode and hopefully

it's not too spooky but you've been forewarned shit will get creepy as fuck creepy as hell yeah um we just got back from new york we did so if you're a new new york new york listener jesus christ new new york new new york How much whiskey did you have next week? Yeah, right? Well, I'm still alcohol poisoned from this week. Oh, yeah, we almost killed Dan in your fair city. And a shout out to Felix, who just started listening today. Yeah, good for you, Felix, you crazy son of a bitch.

Yeah, let's just... Do we do it? I didn't feel the fog rolling in, so I feel like we should... Well, the atmosphere is right. Let's do it. I'm going to take this because it's pertinent to what we saw in Brooklyn. This comes from Reddit user Throwaway, and I oop. Is that actually it?

Yeah. The question is, how should I go about giving my panties to my boyfriend in public? And I oop. And I oop. I'm using a throwaway since I know my boyfriend checks my main account and I'd rather keep this a secret. Pretty much we have a Halloween party coming up next week. We've discussed how much

he enjoys spontaneous sex and needs for feeling wanted. I thought it would potentially be a good idea to at some point in the night take off my underwear and give them to him. He also likes public sex and things related to that and I'm not that keen on it. So I thought this would be a good way to meet in the middle. However, I'm not used to a

spontaneous sex or whatever this counts as and being quote unquote sexy at all and have no idea if this would A, even be a good idea that he would enjoy or B, what to actually say to him once I give him my underwear and how to do it discreetly without someone at the party noticing. I'm completely clueless. Does it seem like a good idea? And if so, what do I say when I'm giving him the underwear? I was thinking maybe even waiting until the ride home than giving it to him.

I'm not too sure how to go about doing this. Please help an aspiring but nervous sexual being. Do you hear something? What is that? Oh, shit. It's the spite witch hey guys i uh i was just in the neighborhood so i i thought i'd drop in you know it being halloween and all you're not here for us are you oh oh not this time oh thank god but you know well welcome i have a list okay well fucking cheers oh you. She brought her own drink. What a warm welcome.

What? She brought her own drink. I'm prepared, yeah. Did you not hear me? I'm the spite witch. That's fair enough. This is a weird-ass question. Did I mishear, or is that at a Halloween party?

At a Halloween party. Okay. Is he wearing a mask? Because if so, take the mask, get some duct tape, duct tape the undies to it, put it on his face. No one's going to know they're there, but he will. He will. And anyone who sees you duct taping.

Okay. You can, it's a lot easier to like, you know, or bring an envelope, put them in the envelope, give it to him. I would say open in bathroom. Yeah. And then in brackets alone. Listeners, you can't see my face right now, but it's, it's not thrilled. I think horrified might be the term. Yeah. It's making some sort of

like distorted shape. Um, I I'll leave it to your imagination. Um, Oh my goodness. Okay. So you got a, you got a couple of things here. Uh, number one, it sounds like your boyfriend would be super into getting your panties, which is great. Most dudes are super into getting your panties which is great most dudes are super into getting panties see i'm not sure because getting panties and having sex in public or having spontaneous sex those are very different things those are two different things yeah so i feel like if he hasn't before now expressed some desire for panties then you might be barking up the wrong witch broom. Barking up the wrong broom. But if he has, then yes, I think this would classify because you'd be getting them in

a public setting. Can we just set ground rules? Are witch puns okay? Yeah, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped right into that. Is that witch racist? It was gentle. I mean, I'm going to call them like I see them.

Okay. So, you know, know that them like I see them. Okay. Okay. So, you know. So I'm not making any. Know that my spike guns are like loaded and ready. You shoot curses? Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Actually, Dave was going to give you the finger pistols earlier and did not. I know. He was really late on that. But that's okay. We'll talk about that later. Oh, God. In private time. So he enjoys spontaneous sex and he seems to really like to feel wanted okay um that's all of us or at least the second part yeah in my experience no man that

i have ever dated has been mad about receiving my panties fair right and and i'm gonna give this fair listener credit that these are gonna be nice panties these are going to be nice panties these are going to be like pretty panties yes these are going to be clean you hear me clean nice panties somewhat clean somewhat clean because no one wants totally clean panties that's that's yeah but that's a side issue um do not duct tape them to the inside of this guy's mask if you want to get caught just just don't straight up don't do that it makes you sound like a serial killer make them a mask out of your panties no and then no one will know and then halfway through the night you tell them like those are my panties but you're probably gonna have to use not nice ones because otherwise they won't be big enough to cover a face oh my god okay nobody actually wants panties on their face

like okay that's a very specific person who wants on their face we're very careful saying no one no one you're right the internet there's every there's something for everyone you're right there's something for everybody i get the impression that this dude the the idea of being like i'm gonna give you my panties for this lady is feeding her boyfriend's idea of like well don't feed them to him no like no fun spontaneous public yeah slightly naughty slightly off the cuff kind of thing yeah the whole like oh shit you shouldn't have yes exactly so i'm a bigger fan of like put them somewhere where he can find them, like his coat pocket. Okay.

And then text him from across the room and tell him where they are. Or tell him to put his hand in your pocket. That's good. Follow it up though, because it sounds like you've expressed that this boyfriend also likes public sex which you're not into so decide ahead of time what the follow-up is is like think about my panties because we're going to do dirty things when we get home yeah make it like make it a lead up or be like meet me in the bathroom for like a little blowjob action cunnilingus action whatever you feel uh but just make sure that you've set that boundary with what you're comfortable with

in a in a in a way that works for you right because like trading fun things like fun panties photos things like taking photos of yourself in the panties and being like like send them to him from across the room that could also be like a good follow-up like either start with that or after you have found them text him a picture of you having one of this is like making it a fun game that's happening in public that only the two of you know about because that's what makes it like kind of erotic a little bit dirty or oh my god play a game where only the two of you know about it but you're not the only players you sneak those panties into someone's costume. Yeah, the mask.

And then he has to get the panties off that unsuspecting person. No, but like... Maybe he has to fashion his own panty mask. No, guys, okay. The spite witch says no. The spite witch says no. Panty masks? Unless this girlfriend is like, listen, my dude is all about dirty worn panties. I can't keep his face out of the laundry basket.

Every time I go to do, you know, the laundry, whatever, he's just like got all my panties. It sounds like a real James McAvoy move. Totally. Like, unless he's that guy. Yeah. No. Right? Also, do you want to explain why your panties are out?

Obviously. Yeah, because you've hid them. But like from random people. Fucking Captain America. Like if I hid my panties somewhere and then like you found them, you were like, hey guys, is, um, there's, I'm just going to get a rubber glove because there's like random panties. I imagine anyone who found them would just be like, nope. Unless you're super close to your friends and you can be like, what is this?

Either way. I don't know. You're at a drunk Halloween party. I don't think. If she's not comfortable with public sex and she's like on the fence about this already, I would be like, know your limit, play within it. Our Patsy's best suggestion is being taken so seriously. So I once went as Cisco, brilliant bard of... i like to play bard of uh see how many times dame mentions

that in the podcast um uh the thong song and part of my costume was just having pockets filled with thongs so it's i don't know what the big deal is i gave out cisco he has to find the real one yeah like why are you sniffing all the okay all right yeah we get it like it wouldn't be weird if you were cisco when you reach into your pocket and you just fucking like through yeah but also like yeah we could meet them in the middle and just have like naughty bathroom times when everyone's drunk later on the party and no one cares well i think that's i think that's a bigger step i know but it's also okay that dramatic gentlemen do not fucking ever ever underestimate the magic of playing a game with your partner oh i'm i'm agreeing because like don't for one second downplay that the lead-up can be just as hot or hotter than the actual act 100% parking underwear from captain america like you've got that you've got

that mask on your face the whole time you guys are both gonna end up cursed with panty masks is that what you want because it's really sounding sounding that way. Cursed with panty masks? Just like panty, like crotch, right over your nose forever. Also like forever sounds bad. How much does panty masks sound like a Reddit username? Around the crotch hole? We always eat around the crotch hole.

Tongue out? Tongue out around the legs? We've done both. So okay, I i'm gonna give real advice here uh because i haven't done it at all this episode um either of i um if if it's that big of a deal if you're actually uh worried about it and it's it's like a a you know teeter-totter of like if you're comfortable with it or not make this your like going home present you know what i mean just sort of like casually slip into his hands and be like, I think we should leave.

True. Although, Spite Witch's idea is really good because you put in the pocket. It's safe. You can go like, unless you have your coat on you, you're going to be probably taking it out in like a remote location. You'll get a text. I assume be like, you know, don't show anyone or whatever. Like you can pre-warn them, but then the tease is going to last all night. again you can you can up that tease with a picture or you can like up with murmurs or

even like a little brush or grab during the night like get those fires stoked and burning and then by the time you go you know that's all you're gonna be thinking about i totally get the tease the game if you do that you don't have that much time unless it's a really long commute home I'm saying if if she gets to the night and it's like she panics that's a good she pant-i-ics she pant-i-ics

no no might not work keep in mind though that like I'm assuming because it's a Halloween party that alcohol will be involved yeah

um drunk men are not subtle I don't know if you've ever tried to hand drunk people I would say drunk people I don't know if you've ever tried to hand people i would say drunk people i don't know if you've ever tried to hand a drunk person anything um let alone something confidential and just like how did that play out just like take a second closer what's this imagine

yeah the last time you handed somebody something that you were trying to keep quiet to a drunk person and like how that worked out yeah also. Also, some people are just even worse. Yes. You know what I mean? People in general, bad. Some people are just like cripplingly unable to be subtle. Absolutely. I imagine this man has a bit of finesse.

If he's into public sex, I imagine- Maybe that's why she doesn't want to have it. He has an inherent- He might be really bad at it. Just like trusting- Nobody- Look away. Stop looking.

Stop filming. Turn the lights off. We're not doing anything. I mean, I once had public sex while covered in glow sticks dressed as Pikachu. So. That's fair. When it comes to finesse with public sex, I don't have it. I'm pretty sneaky.

You're having sex right now, aren't you? You should know. Wink. Wink. So, yeah. know you should know um wink wink um so yeah like i find reddit listener if you're if you're listening to this question we're so sorry i i am very sorry i will punish them later again don't tape your panties to the inside of this mask i highly suggest wear them to the party oh take a picture of yourself wearing the panties in the bathroom. Sneak them into his coat pocket.

Spend the rest of the night playing a fun, sexy text game. And then refuse to allow him to access his jacket until you say it's okay if you're worried about them. Because men hate being told what to do. Heterosexual men, especially. And being denied something that they really want is also extremely effective. And then you will have this, like, delightfully pleased, semi-sauced boyfriend who is just, like, dying to look at the panties in his coat pocket and take you home. Yeah. You know what I like?

Because you already had a good plan. You added to that. But make sure he knows what ones you're wearing before you leave. Then take a picture of you in the bathroom. Then take them off. Put them in. Yeah, perfect. So this is from a new subreddit.

This is from I Have Sex. And it's by user Canna Cacti. It was a year ago because it's spooky season and this is We Love Spooky Sex and it's just a screenshot

hell yeah and the screenshot is a Twitter post and the Twitter post reads it's only the second day of October and I already got spooky sex injuries laughing face while crying

tongue out ghost face eggplant pumpkin and the first reply is laughing crying face too much info but fuck it hell yeah i gave you that good long deep eggplant that i left your ass sore as fuck fuck it capitals spooky sex is amazing. Wink face. My question is, what the fuck are they talking about? No one in that tweet is having sex. Right? Firstly, yes.

Well, well, well, well. No one's having sex with people. I think it's very clear that this man fucked a pumpkin. Are pumpkins in the eggplant family? Because I'm not, I'm not sure. I think he, I think he took his eggplant. Eggplant. Pumpkin. Pumpkin. family because i'm not i'm not sure i think he i think he took his eggplant pumpkin pumpkin and he made the fucking like ghost face which also could be confused with a ghost orgasm face and they probably didn't put the candle out and that's how they got the injury injury yeah

yeah that's probably it i don't know as far as i go this to curse this guy. I'm like, you singed your own dick off fucking a lit pumpkin. So, also, like, you carved your pumpkins too early. They're going to be rotten by October. Yeah, thank you, right? It's like, the first comment is actually, wait, how long is Halloween in America?

But yeah, I just, I wanted us to brainstorm spooky sex, but I guess it's just fucking a pumpkin while it's still lit. Well, that's a one. I mean, judging by the emojis, yes, I mean, like, I can come up with more spooky sex. Maybe it wasn't laughing. Maybe it was, like, screaming.

Maybe it's when you both wear Jason masks. Maybe the panties? Maybe. Is he the one that has the face mask of skin, or is he the one with the William Shatner mask spray-painted white? That's Mike Myers. I can literally never tell jason is the hockey mask

i've played well that's like we're in canada so like lots of people have sex with hockey masks on you know what i was really like terrified by that when i actually came to this country but i've gotten used to it about hockey masks or about like just being fucked while they're wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a long like almost scythe-like stick. Turns out it's a hockey stick. Our sports are terrifying. That's true. So, I haven't done one of these in a long time.

Is it a better batch? No. No. No. It is from our good friend Kid Cocky. Ooh. It's a porn review of Texas Asshole Massacre. My buddy Roger reviewed this movie for a few months ago,

and he rated it a little differently than I did. For an overall rating. His friend... I feel like I can never get more than a few sentences into this. My friend reviewed it, but he didn't do a good enough job, so now I'm going to have to do a supplemental review. Well, I think this is more of an op-ed. Is that what it is? When the editor goes back and talks back?

Is that an op-ed? But it's not the same person. No, I don't know here, guys. Just join me in this space. For an overall rating, he gave this a B. By contrast, I'm giving Ivan Massacre's an A. Now, I have to admit that I have the utmost respect for Roger T. Pipe as a reviewer. In fact, if there is one man with more knowledge of porn reviewing than I have, it is Mr. Pipe.

I think it simply boils down to the fact that I have slightly different tastes in porn. I love how, like, just, like, jovial jovial and like polite and positive this is so far because it's gonna turn real fucked up soon and I know it one of the most amazing parts of this movie is the cast I love the cast Gia Paloma Kelly Wells and Kami Andrews have amazing talent I love these three girls I think they are great

looking energetic creative performers they are the primary reason that I gave the female cast an A for looks although all three girls are amazing and believe that Kami carries this movie. The first scene starts off as an infomercial with Kami acting as Texas. She does the entire scene non-stop and is completely hilarious. Like a person or the state? Please tell me the state.

Yeah, that would be wild. I would watch that. This is something I cannot confirm or deny. I was like fully in spite mode being like, dude, nobody gives a shit about your porn opinion. But now I'm actually very interested. You might be the embodied state of Texas. I would watch this. Well, I would watch this scene even if there wasn't any porn in this movie.

She should get an award for her performance. Next up are a couple good scenes with G and Isabel Ice. I give you a blow by blow, but you can just believe me that they are good scenes. To be creative, one of the scenes works a bowl of chili into it. This is a play on one of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel plots, where innocent victims are turned into chili.

Although I probably missed a few of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre references, I like that the video parodies a real horror movie. To be fair, one, no, but two, I appreciate that they're staying true to the Texas Chainsaw canon, right? To the canon, yeah. Like, you have to be a fan to, like, it's not just porn.

It's true. Parody comes out of love. Right? You gotta get it. Satire is... The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the most disturbing classic horror movies of all time. It is pretty interesting to see how Ivan is able to parody many of the scenes.

The final scene of Kami chasing down a girl with a giant dildo is a hilarious tribute to the Tobey Hooper classic. So I'm going to circle back now. Does he think that the serial killer's name is Texas? Probably. Because I'm assuming that Kami is, if he's's chasing down or if she's chasing down a girl yeah well the dildo that she's the killer maybe you're assuming that this follows like oh that's so disappointing i really wanted it to be the state of texas i think it's more disappointing opening scene is like you're setting the scene you're giving people like the the timeline the zeitgeist like society so she embodies texas the state to show them where the setting is maybe it's like a

solo performance where she's out there with like the state bird on her shoulder exactly holding the flower and her performance is so amazing that she embodies this whole state so well is that her the bird no one knows who knows but No one knows. But that's one of those things. Maybe she embodies the state so well. Like, it's the intro. It's like giving you all the... It's an information drop. And then it gets into the movie where she also plays the killer.

Or, more likely, they think the killer is, in fact, a guy named Texas. Or a girl named Texas. For you ass-to-mouth fan, there's plenty of it. Oh, thank God. Some people don't like to see much of that sideshow sort of thing. But you will like this movie if you're into that. I would also like to mention that this movie has an enjoyable plot to it. In fact, I was able to watch it without needing to hit the fast-forward button.

Whoa! That's pretty impressive. And I haven't done that in years. In fact, I would have to say this is probably the most enjoyable movie that I've seen this year. Like, in general? So I don't know if he means porn. When was it out? Because that's going up against...

I don't know. Does it not say, like, when? Not the thing that I've copied. Another enjoyable aspect of this movie is that the sex scenes are extreme and dirty, but the cast seems to really enjoy themselves. The behind-the-scenes show that people in the movies are not treated like animals and the cast seems to get along pretty well this is similar to the environment that kylie ireland has in many of her films i don't know about you but i enjoy a movie a lot more when i get the feeling that the cast is genuinely enjoying

themselves all in all this is a great movie ivan and kami deliver i hope we get to see them work together again kid cocky super fly soul brother. Yeah, shockingly, porns, like real movies, you know, have a cast that didn't actually get murdered or, you know, like stabbed to death with a giant dildo or whatever the fuck that is. She could have been bludgeoned. It's true. It could be a bludgeoning.

Dependent. Also, like, I don't know why. The ultimate spite witch, like bludgeoned to death with your own dildo. That would be pretty bludgeoning. Also, like, I don't know why. The ultimate spite witch? Like, bludgeon to death with your own dildo? That would be pretty bad. I'm so into that. I don't know why. I'm just taking a personal moment to be offended that, like, Kelly Arland.

It sounds kind of like my name. Does my name sound like a porn name? Nas Bane? Kelly Arland? That's not a typical porn name. Nas Bane. It's just the name of the country. I'm the name of the country. Yeah, you might a typical porn name. Nilespain. It's just the name of the country. I'm going to name the country.

Yeah, you might have a porn name. Here, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's try this out here. Let's try this out here. No. God damn it. One of the most amazing parts of this movie is the cast. I love the cast.

Gia Paloma, Kelly Wells, and Nilespain have amazing talent. It kind of fits in there. Yeah, it kind of works. I do embody Texas. Do you? Well, I have multiple guns guns real good barbecue and music i don't know all right i'll allow that i'll allow that all right we don't we don't have to talk about this anymore i just thought it was a no it was good i can't think of the words that was good

uh it was you know what it was actually his probably most demure and like i mean yeah he didn't refer to anyone as whores yeah or sluts like i can't even remember half the terms he used before but they were fucking buck wild like i'm a little upset the most like he didn't uh repurpose a kid rock song he did in the other one yeah like this is actually the most tame review and i think it's probably because he's a texas chainsaw masquerade fan but not good enough fan that gets all the references. Yeah. So, hey. All right.

Hit me with another. Sorry, hit us with another. That's right. I'm still here. So, this is... You're just so good at blending in with the shadows. Oh, God. Is that a witch racist?

Oh, I'm so fucked today. Curse of dirty pubes be upon you. Curse of dirty pubes. Dirty pubes? Dirty pubes? Oh, no. Yeah, curse of dirty pubes. That's the worst. That's right. Did you say curse of? Along with of dirty pubes. Dirty pubes? Dirty pubes? Oh, no! Curse of dirty pubes. That's the worst! That's right. Did I say curse of?

Along with curse of pubes that grow above your belly button. That's horrifying. And what's even worse... Yeah, and like a V-shape, not like a treasure trail, like basically a crotch pube right there. Oh, an anti-V as well. Yeah. So what's even worse is I'm about to call Dane out really hard because... Goddamn!

I didn't realize... Tell me more! Tell me more! So apparently Dane has a'm about to call Dane out really hard because... Goddamn! I didn't realize... Tell me more! Tell me more! So apparently Dane has a Reddit account. And Dane posted a question a year ago. And his name is Mischief Baby. Because Dane asks, Turned on by spooky stuff? Yes!

I'm here for you, Mischief Baby. We all know it's you, Dane. You know Dane's number one. You're just trying to isolate me. There are hundreds of us spooksters out there. Apparently. Maybe you're just turned on by the feeling of being vulnerable. Ooh. Maybe. Oh wow, we're getting deep here.

That's right. This is also therapist witch. I'm here for all your needs. Yeah. So I'm not into gore at all, but I've always become turned on by haunted houses. Kind of where scary people pop out with you, get chased by a chainsaw. There's cool lightning everywhere.

Cool lightning. Cool lightning. Yeah. And movies. Oh, sorry. Also movies with a spooky or dark vibe where people don't get tortured or anything. I do have a thing for goth slash vampire style.

Basically dark stuff slash Halloween-ish stuff turns me on. Is there a name for this? Oh, I don't know that there's a thing for goth slash vampire style. Basically, dark stuff slash Halloween-ish stuff turns me on. Is there a name for this? Oh, I don't know that there's a name for this, but there definitely is a full fetish community connected to vampirism. So if that's that person's thing, there is like a whole community out to support them. Is there a name for that? Just vampires?

Ricers. What? Oh, Anne Rice. Anne Rice. I realize that sounds kind of racist and I regret it immediately. Well, now it does. Yeah. I was going to say like,

Jesus. Octobophile? Yeah. Or like, vampire files? Or vampires? If it was just vampires, yes. Well, okay.

Or maybe just call him a Dano. Yeah. Because Dane, for those who don't know, his number one thing is spooky. Yeah. Yeah. Spooky. Yeah. We often who don't know, his number one thing is spooky. Yeah. Spooky. Spooky butts. Spooky butts.

Are there bats coming out of them? No, no. Spooky comma butts. Like if I was ranking, it would be number one, spooky. Number two, butts. What's number three? Probably big eyes. That's weird. I got specific tastes. It okay yeah well it's good to know what you like it's good to know what you like is in fact ladies and gentlemen it's nine

seven i told you why don't you love anime no um i think that's great if you enjoy being turned on by haunted houses and vampirism and other spooky things that doesn't involve physical harm to other people and everybody is entering into the social contract of, say, going to a haunted house where you participate in the act of being scared. I think that that's great. And what a safe and wonderful way to express that. Well, if you're

going to the haunted house... You're using teenagers to get off. No, you're not. I'm not saying jack off in the corner of the bush. I don't think the 19-year-old theater student who's playing Frankenstein has agreed to you getting fucking turned on by him jumping out of a fucking closet at you. Listen, the 19-year-old theater student who's dressed up like Frankenstein, who's chasing you up the garden path or whatever the fuck it is for the haunted house, unless you're

turning around with your dick out and jacking off on them, they have no idea. Is it weird that I assumed it was going on this whole time? What happens if while you're running your gate changes and it's very obvious? Okay. That's when Frankenstein turns around. That's when Frankenstein starts running away from you. So, Spite Witch is currently working as an aerialist at the Castle of Mahana house. So I get to watch people get scared all the time. Like I sit up in an aerial birdcage scaring people that's fucking cool the haunted

house it's dark it's full of fog um it's like a spooky butt it is like a spooky butt but it's also if you're engaging the social contract is we are going to scare you and you are coming to be scared yeah if you left a haunted house and didn't get at least one good scare you'd be like that was a fucking riff off where's my money back right like you're there to see cool spooky scary lightning cool lightning um and if you don't get that you feel kind of cheated out of your social contract honestly i'm saying i'm not saying you know disrespect anybody's boundaries it'd be the same as if you walked up to one of the mummies and just punched them. Don't do that. Yeah, dang.

Don't rub your body. Fuck mummies. I'm going to say it right now. Fuck mummies. What do they want? Good question. Right? Good question.

I will say, I find being scared at a haunted house much like trying to sleep when someone says, hey, go sleep. Yeah. You know what's gonna happen unless they really like flip the script on you which hasn't happened maybe it does don't ruin any of this don't spoiler me i'm not gonna spoil you anything so usually i'm just like oh okay i think the funnest one i was ever out was in uh canada's wonderland where like they have like these various like haunted house like setups and one of them is like you go in and it's like you see some like vamp or it's like very vampire themed and it's just a vampire disco and it's not scary at all it's just a bunch of vampires dancing it

was amazing it's like a real chill music and like everyone's just boogieing and like kept waiting for something to happen that didn't i was like this is the fucking best i was like who came up with this oh well and i think the fact that this question asker enjoys haunted houses i'm like i think that says a lot about the fact that you like ideas of vulnerability and surrender and those are great things that you can explore in lots of safe ways and going to a haunted house is a great safe way of exploring that yeah and if you feel scared while you're at that vampire thing, you could call it Panic at the Vampire Disco. Great name for

a bat, though. Like a spooky cover bat? You just play Panic at the Disco covers and you're all just dressed as vampires. But you only play the one church organs? Oh, hell yeah. I would fuck it. Can we start that? You could be a witch and a vampire.

Do I have to be both? Can I just like guest on the accordion? Yeah, that's fine. All accordions? Fuck yeah. But only if you're on your broom. Fair. Okay, cool.

I have been watching a lot of What We Do in the Shadows and I am... The show? The show is so good. Oh my God. Anyway, let's go. Next one.

You know, while I'm doing my classic bits, here's another one from an old friend. I'm feeling really bad tonight. Cruel Witch? Oh my god, she came to play as well. I did my porn reviews. Is this Better Batch? I'm feeling really bad tonight.

My ex doesn't love me. There's absolutely no point in contacting him. Because he'll always have an STD. Is it Michael Plassum? I'm feeling awful right now because the sales associate who is my friend screwed me over. I'm reporting this to the manager. She did a fucked up job and the address was wrong for delivery. Maybe that's why she'll always be a retail sales.

What the fuck is happening right now? Is there a point in battling the dumb? The D-U-M-B? Yep. Then I thought about my ex. All those nights cuddling with him and wondering why he stinks. Because he had an STD the whole time. This man never loved me.

And cheats. Why am I even sulking? He already got his punishment. A lifetime of illness and STDs. Don't ever trust a stinky person. So I brought this. I don't want to say question. No, no, no no I have nothing

to say to this I don't know why that was red it's definitely the better batch side it's 100% the better batch

although no dreams no dreams that's weird um this is all in a dream maybe it has maybe she's finally awoken.

So, okay, I want to clarify. If you haven't listened, if this is your first episode, because we did invite a bunch of new listeners in New York to listen, there's sort of a chronological order to this, which I don't really understand. Is this in order? Yes. Roughly, this is in the order of when she posted, I think. She essentially dated a dude who had an STD.

She contracted the STD, which was mycoplasma, from this dude. I'm not even sure it's considered an STD if you get it off animals. Yeah, no, it's also a very specifically animal-related disease. We're not sure about the full story. We're not sure. We're horrified, despite which. She's reaching for her drink. Yeah, her drink of Pan Tears. We're not sure. We're horrified, despite which. She's reaching for her drink. Yeah, her drink of fan tears.

Oh, God. So, it's... The good news is she's clean. She's free. Is she? Oh, good. Oh, good. That was my concern.

Mycoplasma has been cured. I tried to find a really good post of it that hadn't been deleted or removed, but all of them had been removed. But she's... She's good. She's clean. She's free and clear. Oh my god. But like, okay, did this happen before or after she got that? Because if it happened after she got

mycoplasma... No, this is her most recent post. See, I feel like it's wildly ironic to like denigrate someone for having an STD when you just... You had one for a long time. But he was the one who ironic to denigrate someone for having an STD when you just had one for a long time. But he was the one who gave it to her. Is it?

Yes. How do we know? There's so many boys in these stories. I think the ex is always the one who gave her the STD because she does say it was the one who gave it. So I'm gonna, I don't want to alienate the spite witch here. What I wanted to do was I wanted to give you the information and see what you would curse and or

grant a boon to this poor Reddit user named BetterBetch who has suffered, I think, for several months, at least not a year. I don't remember how long it's been. I don't think she knows how long it's been. She had a terrible STD. She's finally clean.

Would you help her or hurt her? Based on the very confusing story that was read and then She's finally clean. Would you help her or hurt her? Based on the very confusing story that was read and then discussed between the two of you. To be fair, I can barely make sense of it. And I've heard the prequels. Totally sure that I understand. So I understand that there is a lost soul by the name of Better Betch. Who, it sounds like, contracted an STD from a cheating partner, which despite which has very strong feelings about.

Okay. And has now cleaned from said STD. Yes. Which is great. Can we just take a moment? It's over. Well, for now well anyway just like this is like on your shoulders nile like were you taking on this better betches burden and like if you

if you listen to the previous ones and like ever had to google what she was saying yeah you would you yeah so you were taking on a lot of the emotional labor. I'm actually just really happy for her. I appreciate that. I think that that's great that you're taking on the emotional labor of this person who has contracted an ST... I think we say I now, don't we? STI. I'm just

reading what she writes. That's fair. Okay, STI slash STD. Also, I'm not sure it's either because it's a weird... It's a different, like... I mean, it's a disease, but I'm not sure it's either because it's it's a weird it's a different like I mean like it's it's a disease but I guess

she contracted it sexually so I guess it falls under the category either way I did recently discover that there's like a whole world

of STIs that are outside of like the top five that we spent our adolescence yeah like being told about

exactly you know now that's what I call STIs essentially yeah um that we spent our adolescence being told about. Exactly. You know. Now that's what I call STIs. Essentially. Yeah. And like, including like the really scary ones and then the ones that you're like, oh, you have gonorrhea again.

Again. Like, I mean, there is antibiotic gonorrhea out there, ladies and gentlemen. So, you know. Like antibiotic resistant? Yes. Antibiot antibiotic resistant anything is terrifying but gonorrhea is a little worse yeah you know just sexier super gonorrhea yeah super gonorrhea anyway that's a that's a side note um it sounds like better betch has had a rough go of it. So I would not curse Better Betch. In fact, I would grant Better Betch a one-time free sex pass for an unprotected sex act with a stranger with no contractions.

Oh, thank God. That would be my pass to her. You know what? That's a good gift. Yeah. But also no pregnancy unless you want it. That's up to her. You know what? That's a good gift. Yeah. But also no pregnancy unless you want it. That's up to her.

I just said free STIs. Like, I am the Spite Witch after all. Free STIs? Not free, but like free of STIs. Free of STIs. I mean, you know,

I'm not the Pregnancy Witch. I'm the Spite Witch. Maybe she's nice, though. She's fine. Sometimes. Play it right. Get her at the right time on the month what

I love how she's like is it worth fighting the dumb yeah fight the dumb it's also maybe we'll understand the questions

sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry that was mean a partner who has cheated on you and contracted an STI but I'm not too sure that sorry. That was mean. If you have a partner who has cheated on you and contracted an STI, but I'm not too sure that those things are related, to be honest.

Depending on the STI, I guess. If you've contracted an STI. Mycoplasma is this evolving thing for me, because it was originally like- For you personally? Are you a carrier? Well, I mean, as someone who's followed the progression of this. It's like Lord of the Rings. You can't help but get swept up in the.

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. She's our Frodo. And she's finally cast the one ring into Mordor. Unfortunately, her genitals were also Mordor for a while. Because, like, it started with her only talking about how much it burned. And then she tried to burn her genitals herself with the sun. With the sun to cure it.

I mean like I'm all about exposing your bitch your bush to nature's elements. Expose your bitch to nature's elements. Give it what it wants. It wants the hot sun

and some fresh air. Yeah, it's not gonna go blind. Yeah, she's like at that spite bitch or spite witch says expose your bitch. Yeah, air it out. We get blind. Yeah, she's like, at that spite bitch, or spite witch says, expose your bitch. Yeah, air it out. We get that on fucking car stickers,

bumper stickers. Yeah, air out your bitch. It's unhappy. It's just, anyway. Yeah. Definitely is of its. But then she talked about itchiness, and then it became discharge,

and now it's apparently stinky. So, like, I... Yeah. This is like a snowball effect of just terrible so like i'm so happy like i i'm i know we joke about pretty much everything yep i'm really happy that she's getting better yeah or is better um and i think that's awesome i hope in the future nothing terrible like this happens but hey i hope lessons were learned safe safe sex yeah i only gave you a one time pass

so just use it wisely yeah that's a backup plan yeah don't don't rely on it and like don't waste that on like that shitty guy

who lives two doors down from you that like just has a lot of weed just cause you live two doors down was not me don't waste that free pass on that or your ex waste that on like that

hot stranger on the plane also no x ever again stinky maybe dark past with animals boy no also no no no do you not have like olfactory glands because if a partner smells really bad like if their dick cheese is so rank that you can smell it through their pants, like just standing normally. Or at all, even. I mean, I... I've never been with a partner that's had odorous genitals.

No. I can't imagine being with someone who's had odorous genitals that I could still smell via cuddling. Yeah. Yeah, no, if that was... No, just if somebody If somebody just aggressively stinks, no offense, I'm sure there are some people who have maybe a sweaty disorder or something.

We are very attracted to people's scents. If they're good? Yeah, but which scents are good to you depends on who you are and who the other person is right there's there's a genetic there's like studies like a genetic thing where like if you if you're attracted like some people's bo or like uh natural loss the thing is the thing is sweat and musk are different to bo because bo is usually stale sweat and stale sweat i don't think is usually a term or sweat like sweat itself like yes basically we are designed to when we emit odors to not find the odors of our family

members attractive or sexual so that we don't accidentally procreate with our siblings or parents like thank god yes that is that is actually one of those things that are designed so it's like you know like for example when i was growing up i had a younger brother and when he was a teenager like him and his like man boyfriends would come over and they would be like roughhouse in the basement play video games and i'd be like god it fucking stinks down here right like it smells awful and and that's biology being like don't fuck your brother that's which i did not know yeah right um it is designed that way so sometimes if you're out somewhere for whatever reason it could be because you share too many genetic traits it could be because that person's

um odor just like their genetic profile doesn't mesh with yours for whatever reason like you don't find their smell attract like smell and attraction are very closely related. So if this dude has... Oh my God. It's her ex, her brother. No, it's not. I'm sure it's not. I'm not sure.

God, I don't know. Okay. But yes. So fun fact, if you're ever around somebody and you're like, this girl's really hot, but for some reason

I'm not attracted to her and I think, you know, it might be because she's too genetically similar that's really interesting i don't think i've ever had that without like a very concrete reason um but like yeah i think like odors in general unless they go like stale and like like unwashed yeah unwashed is not sexy game yeah fresh sweat sure like i get that sweat itself does not smell bad unless i guess unless it's dried yeah but dried and like old and you know maybe you've been in the closet for three hours and um yeah that's not gonna work okay are you ready yep okay

sorry we sidetracked there a lot that's okay despite which got welcome to the podcast. Yeah. This is not spooky per se. Well, then I'm back. But it may feature a monster. Ooh. Oh, and now I'm back. This is by P-Money92. Now I'm out. My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me, but still wants blowjobs. My 27-year-old female partner, 34 female partner 34 year old male who i've been

with for five years told me he doesn't want to have sex with me he says he doesn't find my body type brackets chubby attractive really hurt my feelings i am understandably upset he then went on to say he still wants blowjobs from me i would say i'm a pretty open person i'm up for the fun majority of the time but he said all this. Before he said all this I actually enjoyed giving him blowjobs but now I just feel insecure and unworthy of him. Am I just overreacting?

No. I understand. Yes. Sorry, we just need to end this right here. Yeah, no. The yes is me agreeing. Yes, I assumed.

Just in case. Yeah. I understand everyone has a preference when it comes to physical appearance. I'd be lying if I said my boyfriend's body I found attractive.

Oh, holla. And I oop. And I oop. But I would never say that to him because I value our emotional connection over anything else. He thinks I'm being selfish and overreacting. What do you all think? I'm sorry, because that's a fuck question. I think the fact that your boyfriend thinks you're being selfish and overreacting after you told him...

He told you that he was not physically attracted to you and then requested that you sexually satisfy him via blowjobs um just advice wise dump his fucking ass i'm sorry like immediately immediately it's find your catapult and just sort of yeah launch him into a lake he's done i'm really looking forward to the curse on this one but But I think, is there discussions we have first? My only thing would be, like, I would love to know if, like, if there was a weight change. Not that it changes anything. But, like, was she this body type the whole time and he's just arbitrarily decided that, like, I'm no longer attracted to this. Or I'm being a dick and I'm going to prey on your insecurity. Absolutely, yeah.

In a way that I feel like benefits me. And the thing is, like, also, let's be fair. I'm not attracted to that body type, so I can't have sex with you, but I can't get a blowjob off you. Either way, you're getting turned on by the person, I assume,

unless there's some external forces at work. This has a great imagination. This is wild bullshit. It is wild bullshit. If he has an erection like again like there's so much bullshit but even just to take it down to like that bare level if he's not attracted to you no erection unless you're doing some other mad shit like if someone wasn't attracted to you was like i'm gonna blow you i'd be like well good luck like yes so this guy i don't know i don't know the biggest piece of shit he's like oh i'm sorry how about we do a thing that there's no benefit for you really but i'm not gonna do the thing

that there might be so which i'm also guessing the situation probably not much yeah probably wasn't very also it breaks my fucking heart when you say you feel unworthy of him because guess what opposite thing here yeah he's a fucking yeah the fucking worse yeah if at any point in time someone just deems you uh unworthy or like deems you sort of like uh not worth less than yeah or like like less than human or like you're now just like a utilitarian prop in order for your sexual pleasure. Like your, your worthiness does not play into this. It is this person who has now reduced himself to like subhuman.

He's, he's like a little, like a big, long, like maybe proud steaming turd. He's essentially a maggot just like crawling across the earth who has convinced you, a goddess, that you are somehow less than him allow me to inform you that that is not the case um so so many things here to unpack number one

many many people but first of all you should find your body type sexy and awesome and attractive. There is a whole world of people out there who would be fucking thrilled, thrilled at the idea of touching or seeing your naked body. And those are the kinds of people that you should find, right? like when you get naked are like thanking their lucky stars that a woman like you is sharing your body with them or giving your pants giving exactly well okay we're yeah we've learned a lot about this episode more than we probably wanted to know so that's number one so the first gift i'm going to give you this one's gratis it's just like lizzo on repeat for you i'm just on that lizzo train right now because like there are times where like i'm literally like um i'm vibing so hard to this music right now and i'm 100% jealous that i'm not a woman because i feel like this would hit me even harder like i'm like i'm i'm

pissed that i'm missing out on this fucking like, yes, just empowerment that this woman is just dishing out. Just like casually, just like, you're good. You're good. You're good. You're good. Like,

let's go. So yeah, gratis. I'm just going to give you like Lizzo on repeat. Um, and then in the corner for when you need it will be jagged little pill, you know, just like just for when you need it. It's just in the corner Lizzo most of the time and then jagged little for when you need it will be Jagged Little Pill. You know, just for when you need it.

It's just in the corner. Lizzo most of the time and then Jagged Little Pill when you need it. But that's just a gratis gift. That's just a free one from the Spite Witch. Is Lizzo a Bless Witch? She might be. I wouldn't be so proud. Is Lizzo just like the opposite of the Spite Witch?

Not that Spite Witch is bad. No, no. Spite Witch is necessary. I'm just saying right here. And great, obviously. Well, I'm saying light and dark. Light and dark, right? It's important. Neither one is bad. You have to have dichot great obviously well i'm saying like light and dark right like it's important neither one is bad to me i don't think lizzo wouldn't fucking rain down destruction on someone who deserved it she definitely would i could i could pull out a couple songs exactly that's what i'll make that clear yeah fucking love the spite which

thank you i love me too and you should love you too. You should. That's the thing. So that's number one. The idea that anyone has the audacity to say out loud that they do not desire your body, but they would like you to service them with your mouth is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. And that person should wither with shame at their very existence for even thinking that thought, let alone saying it out loud. So that's just number one. So enjoy Lizzo. That's for you. We're going to unpack a little bit more of this. You need to leave him for so many reasons, right? And I do hope that Lizzo is blasting as you walk yourself out the door or better yet, remove him from your house, whatever the situation may be. And then I invite you and I strongly encourage you to introduce yourself to the world of people who

are super, super into and attracted to the body that you have, that love it and are thrilled to see it and cannot wait to touch it and are, and I'm not saying that you have to like dive into a fetishization of being a chubby person. There are lots of guys out there and ladies who would be absolutely hot for the right chubby person. Just like they would be hot for the right thin person. Just like they would be hot for the right any kind of person. And those are the people that you need to find. This like shriveling maggot of an individual with his tiny little pathetic pencil dick

that I'm sure requires so much more effort on your part than his worth. He's done. We're going to leave him in the dust. Try to shy away from equating men's work with their penises. Oh, I'm so sorry. You can edit out that part. I'll say something else. I love where it's coming from.

Yeah. I understand that. And you know what? Generally, I am not a body shame person. In this case, though, I i'm like if you have the if you have the balls to shame someone else then i am going to shame you and my curse for you unnamed but extremely entitled individual is i am cursing you with a lifelong dick problem. That's so vague.

I love that. You will forever not know what's wrong with your dick. You will see various doctors. They will have no explanation. There will be sores. It will be unexplained. They will go away, and new ones will appear. You'll ejaculate pus and blood for no reason at random times.

Sometimes it will be totally normal. Sometimes it will look like a gangrenous pube that's about to fall off. You never know. It will be a forever mystery for you. You will be highlighted in medical textbooks for your sheer unknown disorder. The dick problem, question mark? The dick problem.

I love it. I want to throw in one. I really feel like that's standalone advice. That's all you need to hear. That was a high five. If you ever need to feel empowered uh it might it might seem scary but like go to your local sex club as long as it's like an up and up one and not a shady one i've never felt more like just like fuck yeah then i thought it was gonna be terrified i've gone like a few times and you just go there and everyone is just doing their own thing. It's every body type, every skin color, every gender, every sexuality.

It's just like this free for all of just everyone just being themselves and everyone being cool with it. And it's one of the most refreshing experiences in an environment that I thought I was going to be my most vulnerable and like I felt was going to be the most judgmental. It's just this like beautiful moment of everyone just being like, fuck yeah. And as a side note to that, if you're a woman attending a sex club alone, many sex clubs have wristbands available so that if you prefer not to be bothered or solicited for sex, you can get a wristband. And then you can just observe and check it out. If you're like, hey, I'm not really ready to join in on any of the activities yet, but I'm interested and I'd like to hang out and see what's going on. Check in with your local club because they may have a wristband.

Yeah. And like you don't even have to get naked. Like you can be in full clothing and just like just chill and just be a part of it. Like you don't even have to get naked like you can be in full clothing and just like just chill and just be a part of it like you don't even have to be in like the sex areas you can literally just hang out like there's usually like a bar or lobby in like the front area and just see who comes in and i promise you you will see everyone every kind of person will come in and it's and it's beautiful and it's great um and like I said, it's something that I thought I would be terrified of. And like the second I got there, I was like, I'm good. Like this is probably the freest you could be.

I think I was in the same one that I think you're referencing. I will throw. I have no problem promoting them. Oasis is an amazing club. If you're in Toronto and this is something that sounds interesting to you, Oasis is an inclusive space. It's a safe space. It is very, very well managed and it's a very, very cool place to visit.

But if you go, make sure you are inclusive and cool and well managed. Oh, yeah. And if you're not, you'll get the fucking shit tossed at you. True, but you still don't want to have to do that. Manage yourself. But literally, if there was like a people bingo, everyone would have won in like a minute yeah you know you could take every fucking box

and that's awesome this comes from reddit user goofy goober i keep fantasizing about sex with a friend when i'm in a relationship okay i'm not sure if this is common or not or if it's even considered cheating it's all in my head so it's not actually acting out on anything but i'm starting to feel weird or guilty about it. They're 20 female and their boyfriend is 28 male. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we live together. I'm really good friends with a guy I went to high school with and I've been friends

with, um, I've been friends since our sophomore year. My friend was recently just talking about his Halloween party. Him and his friend were going to and they said that the host of the party was his friend's girl. And then in brackets they say, I'm sorry if this is confusing. Him and this girl are in the talking stage or whatever, lol. So if my friend said, if blank loses his virginity before me, I'll be pissed.

And ever since then, I've been fantasizing about taking his virginity. I just don't know what to do about this whole thing. I don't want to tell my boyfriend about it, obviously. Has anyone ever had something similar? I'm just hoping eventually I'll get over it. It's interesting to me that it's not just I'm fantasizing about fucking him. That she's fantasizing about taking his virginity. Because that's different.

It is. Well, in fairness, I think she's 20. So the majority of her friends... Like, virginity wouldn't be uncommon at that age. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that that's an excellent examination of the power dynamic. There's really no popular culture references to women taking virginity unless they're like creepy milfs. And even the idea.

Or the exchange student american pie well setting aside the the idea of like taking a virginity i'm using air quotations listeners in case you can't see that um because we all know that that's not a real thing there is no taking a virginity the air quotes were used again just fyi um but i I think that for this 20-year-old woman in a relationship, exploring that idea of power exchange in a fantasy is great. Yeah, because that's the thing. I think if it was just sex, it would be a different thing. Not necessarily an issue even, but it's the taking of the virginity that gives it that power dynamic it's totally it's that being experienced being on top literally and or figuratively um just being like you know 100 that bitch well and and sex is about

lizzo is a goddess uh sex is about power dynamics as much as we don't like to talk about it and figuring out how to navigate those is a big part of how we navigate attraction i also think as a side note having fantasies about other people is totally normal and natural and not cheating no it's no no absolutely cheating is cheating and however you've defined cheating in your relationship i think that if you were to go so far as to find cheating as even about other people, that's very extreme. Yeah. That's like saying, thinking about like shooting your boss is murder. It's murder. Yeah. We've all thought about slapping someone. Sure. But yes. So thoughts and actions are different. Thank you, Niall, for summarizing

that. I think it's basically what you were saying. I do think it's also important to remember that the human brain craves novelty, right? Like desire requires separateness and intimacy requires togetherness. And finding a balance between those things is how you find the balance and harmony in your relationship. So in this relationship with your boyfriend, if you've been dating for a year and you recently moved in together, you might be experiencing this overload of intimacy and closeness, and you might feel that you are not lacking in desire, but that the desire quotient has, you know, the scales are not as heavily weighted, right? And this is a way for your brain to

cultivate desire. And part of how it's cultivating desire is it's cultivating desire by exploring a very safe, you know, in your mind, as far as we are aware, fantasy about another person. And that's great, right? Like figuring out that balance is going to what's is going to be what leads to a healthy dynamic in your relationship about intimacy and desire for as long as you and your boyfriend are together. So I say keep exploring that. I think that's healthy. I think keeping it to yourself can be very valuable. I think sharing with your partner can be very valuable. It all depends on what you want out of that experience. I would imagine sharing it probably wouldn't go very well. I imagine sharing it wouldn't go very well either,

but at the same time, you never know. I think there's a scale in which you can share, right? You don't necessarily have to be like, hey, I really, really want to fuck Mark. I really want to take his virginity. There's a difference in saying, hey, I would love for maybe me to be in control tonight. Well, but that's not sharing.

That's acting on... No, but like expressing your desire to be in control tonight. Well, but those, that's not sharing. That's acting on. No, but like expressing, expressing your desire to be in control or expressing, which I think this is ultimately, you know, what it, what it actually like kind of stemming from. One of the things I was going to bring up was like to try maybe exploring that. It could also be about, you know, if you've been in this period of time with your boyfriend where you're doing a lot of things that are together, building a home, buying furniture, you know, figuring out how to set up the hydro, figuring out your new morning routine now that you share a space, that this could also be your brain's way of finding independence in your new situation. And that's okay. And you shouldn't discount that. And I

definitely don't think you should feel guilty about that. Um, I think it's important. Like, I don't want to know everything that my boyfriend thinks and fantasizes. And you know, what I don't, I never understand when people answer the, like,

what superpower do you want? And they're like, read minds. Like, are you, do you want to die? That's the craziest fucking thing. Fuck shit.

They don't even mean don't, don't pick reading minds as a person who they don't even mean don't don't pick reading minds as a person who has the power to read minds don't pick reading minds it's not a good idea yeah i'm sorry i didn't mean to call you out like that it's okay i'm used to it i suck you knew i was gonna do it sorry but yeah i would imagine like like take some time and like play with that power dynamic in your current relationship. Like maybe you haven't taken that stance before. Or by yourself. Like you're going to find it some fun.

Or by, yeah. Like spend some time, like explore that fantasy. And, you know, if you're into masturbating, masturbate and see where that, what that brings you. I think cultivating desire within yourself is great because it becomes this thing that you can bring back to the relationship. And that's awesome. And I think oftentimes we think that when we're in a relationship, we need to be together, together, together all the time. But it's so important to cultivate these independent differences

and that can include independent desire. Yeah, I think we talked about it earlier. If masturbation is something that you are into and comfortable with, we mentioned earlier, there's like every kind of porn available to you. Like the internet is a fruitful bounty. It is a fruitful bounty. But it sounds like you have a pretty ripe, amazing fantasy and imagination. If it's getting you off, enjoy it. Yeah, don't discount that.

I would hate to hear that you took this fantasy or this idea and you felt ashamed or embarrassed and that you couldn't use it or that it wasn't right or that it was cheating and you just kind of stuffed it as far deep down as you can. Because that doesn't help you and it ultimately doesn't help your relationship. And I think it's important to view those things as one as as things that are benefit benefits to you right like when your relationship is running smoothly it's going to benefit you and when you have open channels to your desire and your intimacy that benefits you.

Basically, do whatever the fuck you want. Unless it's cheating. I mean, yeah. And every relationship defines cheating differently. So figure that out as well because that's good too. Know that in advance. I will say probably a good baseline is probably don't take this guy's virginity without a previous conversation with your boyfriend. Yeah.

Hey, he's cool with it though that sounds like yeah i mean if this guy might be the chillest dude in the world and just be like you should probably go for it like yeah mark needs it you'd be doing mark a favor all right should we end this bitch sure thank you very much for listening um i want to say a big thank you to the Spite Witch for Spite Witch! Spite Witch! For being our special spooky guest today and also our first female guest. Which is incredible.

They're not. They're not. No one took their top off except for Dane. I record Topless every week. Thank you. I'm never allowed to say it. He edits this out all the time. It's a hot closet.

Yeah, this is like the least clothes worn in a while. But it's refreshing to get a new perspective in here. And thank you very much for taking time out of what I imagine is a very busy schedule. It's a very busy month. I have a lot to do. We appreciate it. It's a lot of dicks to curse if you enjoyed this episode

please feel free to jump on iTunes and give us a rating and a review it helps us out you guys have been doing great in the past couple weeks

if you have a question for us you can reach out to us on various social medias at Twitter you can find us at fck underscore buddies

you can find us on Facebook at fck buddies podcast you can shoot us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can shoot us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can also find us on the internet at www.fbuddiespodcast.com. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for your song Paper Stars. All right. You guys ready for some...

Spite Witch Corner. Oh, shit. So it's Spite Witch Corner. Thank you for tuning in. So we're going to dole out some curses for some irresponsible human beings. So I would like to send one

out to a gentleman who has been cheating on his girlfriend for the past nine and a half years. Yikes. I know. It's pretty epic. I would like to curse you with nearsightedness, first of all.

I mean, obviously. Obviously. And infertility. And I hope she leaves you because you can't get her pregnant. I would also like to have a big shout out to all the folks out there who think it's okay

to masturbate and then not wash their sex toys after because that's gross so i would like to just because you're the only one using them doesn't mean you can't clean them they know they're dirty and they're i know they're going back in the drawer i would like to curse you with two really really awful conversations with your family doctor where you have to explain this not once not once but twice oh god yeah yeah it's the second time that's gonna really really kill you yeah that's when it gets you one of those double curses because it's not just surprise you're gonna get it's disappointment yeah. Yeah. It's like, we've done this. We've done this already. Claire.

You need to stop fucking yourself with dirty sex toys. Claire, you still haven't washed them? Yeah. Not even once? I know. It's bad. It's bad. Just throw them through the dishwasher one time.

I'd like to have a huge shout out to my favorite sex toy in Toronto, which is Come As You Are. They are wonderful. Go visit them. They are fantastic. They are wonderful. Go visit them. They are fantastic. They are cooperative. So support them. They are lovely and inclusive and just a great resource for anybody out there who is looking for fun, sexy times. So you should go check that out.

So, you know, that's my, like, star of the week for all of you guys. Oh, yeah? so you know that's my like star of the week for all of you guys oh yeah and uh you know i'd like to take a second to remind um peter that um i do remember and uh i really really hope the next time and there will be a next time that you're running with an erection you um it doesn't go as well for you. Is he one of the haunted house people? Yeah, was he a haunted house person? No, he's not in the haunted house. The haunted house people are all lovely. They're all great.

Every week, Niall hits us with some poorly written sex writing. So I like to get comfortable. You can do whatever you want, but if you don't mind, I'm just gonna... James' pants are already off, so... It's a hot closet it's great um so this is uh spy our our horror boy stephen king and no it's not the boy you're thinking of it's not the one you're thinking known for his sex writing he's known so this

is from legend what is actually a very good novel, 112263. And it goes like this. Oh, is this the orgy scene? No. Okay, never mind. She said, don't make me wait. I have enough of that. And so I kissed the sweaty hollow of her temple. I moved my hips forward.

She gasped, retreated a little, then raised her hips to meet me. Sadie, all right? Oh my God, god yes all one word she said and i laughed she opened her eyes and looked up at me with curiosity and hopefulness is it over or is there more this is a grown-ass woman just i'm also like grown-ass women know when it's done we're aware a little more i said i don't know how much i haven't been with a woman in a long time it turned out there was quite a bit more at the end she began to gasp oh dear oh dear oh my dear dear god oh sugar okay so i'm confused i'm so confused also like

is she confused men you do not all have super long amazing dicks i think the idea that you're like oh your dick is just too much for my cavernous vagina i wasn't sure if she was talking about ejaculate like was he just coming for so long and she was like is it done and he's like oh i think there's a bit more i'm pretty sure so i was talking about the length of his amazing penis. I'm pretty sure he put it in and she was like, did we sex? And he was like, no, there's more. I don't know how long it lasts. I haven't been with a woman for a long time.

And that's the thing, which is why I said she's a grown ass woman. Because I'm like, she would know sex was a little bit more than that. I love that we all interpreted it. Are you done? See, I thought he, like, he, like, entered himself, and then was just like, well, there it goes. And then she's like, are you done? And he was like, no. She says, is it over? Or is there more? Yeah. Like, not...

Which makes me think that, like, he already came, and then she was like, is that it? And he's like, no, no, I haven't been, so, like, there's a lot. This is gonna keep going for a bit. He says a little more, I don't know, no, I haven't been, so like, there's a lot. This is gonna keep going for a bit. He says a little more, I don't know how much, I haven't been with a woman

in a long time, which makes me feel like, he's like, I'm gonna probably come soon. Oh, I think I thought he was saying he's already coming, and it's like, he's like,

I don't know if he's gonna keep coming. These tanks are full. Well, what's funny is like, aside from the fact that it's just badly, like, sweaty hollow of her temple, no one's temples are that hollow. Firstly.

And nobody's kissing anybody on the temple, like literally ever. Also, sex is not over when you ejaculate. So the idea that you're like, now it's like, ugh. Yeah. Ugh. Like, I'm literally barfing now, dear listeners. I'm literally barfing. Oh, sugar.

No, no one says that Not sexy Stephen King No Stephen King You have a lot of good qualities But sex writing is not one of them You know what

Fair I didn't want to bring one Because I do like I know I do like his writing in general His book on writing is great His book on writing is great His book on writing is great

Except for this part Yeah I'm like There's a whole chapter There's a one page chapter there's a one-page chapter of, like, sex writing and it's just like, I don't know,

just a picture of him shrugging. What sex? It's like, okay. I just imagined him with no genitalia, to be honest. He's just a Ken doll down there? Basically.

He's just like a smooth, soft mound? He's like the Baron in What We Do in the Shadows where they're like, why doesn't he have genitals? Like, it's so good. I haven't seen it yet.

Schmack. I'm sorry. You guys ready for the true monster in the closet, in the dark? I don't know. Is this going to be heteronormative and all about coming? For a man? If it is, I brought it. Probably, because it's worse.

He's, you know, Dan is the worst human out there. Tell me more about this Dan, man. Well, Dan. Do I need to visit him later? Float outside his window? If anyone deserves a visit. It is Dan. So Dan is the latest.

Does Dan need webbed toes? He probably already has them. So Dan's latest. Not latest, but Dan has an article named, How to Get Your Ex Back after Begging and Pleading. Nope. So don't worry. We've realized that Dan

ending Dan was a funny way to do things but it left like a Just a grim awful taste. Just a horrible taste in your mouth. So I've taken it upon myself

to give us a little like after podcast It tastes like hopelessness. Yeah. After dinner after dinner mint after podcast mint so I go through the Pornhub comment section

well this comes from Pornhub user but is it on a spooky video I can't remember to be honest and they say guys please this is not how you treat a woman watch I'm not interested in sex too much it isn't my first priority since my work is relevant to saving the world.

Also, I do charity work, selling cosmetics and accessories, defending the woman rights. Not under the name of feminism, but something much more effective and different. If you'd like to know more, write me your number and we can meet somewhere where you will feel safe. Wow, Captain America. I know. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles spain and i'm the spite witch and we have been your fuck buddies is that witch racist no she's not ghost i don't know