Fin vs History - 9/11 at 3 miles an hour | The Battle of Trafalgar (Part 5/10)

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

This was the best day to be a shark. The Napoleonic Wars (Part Five) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  Chapters: Chapters: 00:00 - Britain Stands Alone 04:43 - Hold Your Breath 09:47 - Test Cricket Benny Hill 13:30 - He’s Gonna Get Me! 17:45 - Stephen Hawking 24:02 - SpitRake 30:21 - Sunday Buttplug 33:47 - The Tire Change 39:46 - Bucket List Stuff 42:06 - Gutted Mate Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. England expects for Horatio Nelson's finest hour. Today we are at Trafalgar. These might be my favourite costumes we've worn. I feel fucking excellent. This feels incredible. I get it.

I get it. I hate the French and I'm going to fuck out of thing that he walks into my path. I feel manly. Yeah. If you're a woman on land, you should be scared. If you're a Frenchman at sea, you should also be scared. I'm going to fuck you up on sea and if you're a chubby woman who likes dancing

I'm going to get inside you and I'm going to shake my ostrich feather out you like this very bird-like it seems that the it's very fashionable for men to act like like the birds of the animal kingdom that's sort of what they're going to like the plum yes the erotic plume it's very much like the kind of mating

dances there seems to be playing a lot on that sort of stuff I feel absolutely fantastic as I said part of the reason these are you know up there with the best wars is the aesthetic It's just be it's just Because they're fighting Like they're not in costume

But they are in costume But they look like this And you know Nelson's column Would not quite be as inspiring In a monument If at the top There was a guy in just fucking

World War I Yeah Muddy Glastonbury Fisade Glastonbury Out of it Yeah yeah This is what I think Americans think

Most British people Dress down as on a Sunday This is Sunday Is it dressed down Yeah Is it smart casual or It's okay lounge I'll come as lounge

This is quite satisfying For people With stereotypes about Britain Yeah watching this right now. I'll have a line then I'll get this on and just read the paper in my house. Really we should be

podcasting with one arm. Yeah, it's true. I have been sort of, I've been fitted into this by our helper. Yeah, so we get these costumes from the by a team of borrowers.

Yeah. So we get this from the National Theatre, right? Yes. And they're kind of a bit, I feel they're getting a bit sick of us almost because there's quite like, they want it to be quite noble what these outfits are used for

because I imagine these are quite serious national theatre plays about maybe the crimes of the British Empire and stuff. Oh yeah, they didn't like us taking the Native American headdress.

Wrestling it away. Yeah. To be, in our defence, you're the ones that made it stupidly big. I mean, it's an offensive headdress. It's an accurate headdress. Well, it's offensive, I think.

It's cartoonish. Anyway, we're at Trafalgar. To recap, this is not Gavin Plumns, column. This is Nelson's column. Okay. So Trafalgar, Agincourt. That's probably top two. British wins. Three, two. And then you have the Falklands.

Falklands. The Tralga is the greatest naval victory until the Falklands. Yes. Yes. Until the brave defence of our southern border. Really, these uniforms should have been used in the 1982. I mean, imagine the flying paedophile, Prince Andrew. In this. In a sea harrier in this.

We are dealing with probably, I mean, this is probably the height of British naval like history. This doesn't get better than this until the Falklands. To recap, Napoleon is being cucked. Nelson, be cucking. It's the Napoleonic cuck wars under Napoleon's code. You are a paedophile if you're attracted to women. Okay, that's just French stuff, right? Now, the emperor is dominating on land and is also invented a dish called chicken mirengo.

However, can the elephant defeat the whale? I'm reading from my wedding vows. Now, let's get in to Napoleon's ambitions, all right? He has dominated on land. By 1805, Britain stands alone. Again. Must we always do things by ourselves? Is there no one else to fight with us?

The parallels of World War II and World War I are stark, and they're not really talked about that much. No. It's a, our economy gets entirely mobilised for war. We have a brave rousing prime minister who does speech to the House of Commons and uses kind of, Pitt the younger, we should talk about. Pit the younger, but he doesn't get talked about. He's probably one of the greatest prime minister for all the time.

Yeah. Probably the greatest war prime minister apart from Churchill. Well, he had a Churchillian rhetoric, didn't it? You made these amazing speeches. And I think what you've got to understand is that at this point, you know, there'd been eight years of existential dread. Yeah, people are terrified. We were going to be invaded by the baby-eating French.

Yeah. And Bonapartism. Bonapartism was going to spread. Napoleon has conquering all on land. And by 1805, he is amassing over 100,000, perhaps 160,000 soldiers at Boulogne for mock invasion drills. And he is personally visiting the troops. Britain had been financing.

This is the... Well, it's after the panthers have stormed through. Yeah. And it is after Dunkirk. And it's then it's Operation C. lion. Right, right. So he wants to invade England because if he invades England, England's got fuck all

on land. Yeah. You know, our greatest heroes on land are just raw-dog and chubby princesses. So whenever sailors be them French or Spanish get washed up on the shoreline, there's always like old matrons of frying pants who do you beat the shit out of them. Oh, but piss off. That is a consistent throughout our British history. If an enemy does, you can trust whatever seas.

Because I feel our seaside towns are always grimmer than anyone else's seaside. towns. Yes. It's a tougher sort of person who lives on the sea in Britain. They're going to say the Mediterranean. Oh my gosh. If you watch up, you're like, well, at least it's on the beach. It's going to be a beach town.

No, no. It's going to be a broken pier with maybe a couple of boredy sort of cartoons. Yeah. And then an old woman in a mobility scooter is going to smack you with a rolling pin. The mobility scooter panzer division will power across the broken pier. Shell, shnell, chucking Greg steak bakes at you. And then you've got the Seagull air support. or ah, ah, ah, you know, it's a terrifying.

You know, you don't want to be washed up in Weymouth. Right. You know, you want to crash land, you know, in like in a Norfolk or something. Yeah, you want the sleepy in it, yeah, the sleepy, you know, the sea is where. The friendly farmer. Yeah. You do not want the, I mean, that's our line of defense, really, is the women with frying pans and mobility scooters that, you know, are around the entire country, our perimeter

of mobility scooters. Yeah. Anyway, Napoleon is gathering his forces. England have fuck all. on land. So all he has to do is seize control of the channel for maybe 36 hours, 48, to get his forces across. And then the imperial eagle will fly over London, right?

However, in order to do that, he has to conquer the Royal Navy, which, as we have been saying, is at this point, it's the greatest thing. It's the greatest thing in the world. Yeah. In the world. It's, you know, there's no institution that is more cutting edge or technologically, more modern, more modern than the Royal Navy. There is panic in England about Napoleon building submarines, a nautilus, right? An hot air balloon division trying to fly across.

How would an early submarine actually have functioned? Hold your breath. I guess so, holding your breath. We can take them. his plan for defeating the Royal Navy is fucking mad. Yeah, he doesn't understand the sea. No. Fundamentally.

No. He's a land guy. Yeah. So our old friend Admiral Villeneuve, who had basically been, he'd kind of watched as Nelson fucked up his fleets. He's a war cuck. His whole life is a war cuck. This series is listed with cucks, okay?

It's the Napoleonic cuck wars where Villeneuve had watched Nelson destroy his fleet at the Battle of the Nile. unable to do anything about it. Maybe he liked it a little bit. A little bit. He is a fascinating character because he's incredibly depressed. He knows he's going to get beaten.

He's almost fatalistic about the whole thing. In that Napoleon tells him his plan, and he's like, there's no fucking way. But this is before men were allowed to talk about the mental health. So he probably didn't know what he was depressed. Well, Napoleon was doing mental health, though. Yeah. But then when you're a mental health guru,

is pushing you too hard. Who do you talk to? It's a different time, you know. Yeah. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Kaurulian Indians. Oh, they're performing well at the moment.

Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favorite races of people right now. Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the screen rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings.

It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. and right now Pakistan are winning, baby. So listen to the Scree Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there.

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And subscribe so you never miss an episode. The plan is insane, right? What Napoleon wants to do is he wants the French and tragically Spanish, fleets, they've been allied together now, they're going to sail all the way across the Atlantic from their base in Toulon and they're going to lure British ships to follow them by making a sort of faint that they're going for their interests of the Caribbean, right? Stepovers.

Basically. It's the biggest stepover in history, which is crossing the entire Atlantic going to the Caribbean, right? And then as soon as the British get there, they're going to somehow go really, really, really fast, turn around really fast and go back and try and out sprint them to get back to the channel. That's really stupid. To secure them for 40 hours. Starletelli.

Oh, I love this goal. Yeah. That's the plan basically. Come on. Oh, my days. There's a stupid goal. Incredible. But in reality, can you get David Dunn, step over, please?

In reality, this is what actually happens. This is probably the fourth time we talk about this. It's a very, very opposite metaphor in history, right? This is what the French plan ends up being. Villeneuve. Oh, no. David Dunn, say his name English players should not do our boners

So in March 1805 Admiral Villeneuve Slips out of Toulon The blockade There's a lot of naval blockades Which we've not got into Because it's too much It is too much

Even for us, it's too much It's a bit of a bono kill We're not there yet I'm not there yet We're still you know You're in your 30s Like I'm in my 20s We'll naval blockades

That's coming 40s 50s Listen, sex, sex without any tools is fine for now. When I get into my 40s and 50s, I may need some additional help. You need a welding hat. I may need some naval blockade or some kind of choke device. Yeah.

Nelson is called to action at the outbreak of war, and he has a very sad, tear-jerkingly, sad departure from his mistress of Hamilton. She's like, oh, don't go. Stay here and fuck me with my husband. And he obviously, his daughter, Horatio. his adopted daughter Horatia and I believe

this is when Fanny writes him a letter saying please I love you please come back I'll forgive you everything and he replies he replies saying this letter was opened by mistake and unread awesome I didn't read this I didn't read this

just see you know I opened it by mistake I thought it was my other wife I hate you I saw Fanny and I got excited I realized it was my wife no didn't read it just opened it by mistake go away so Nelson leaves home and he is tasked with finding the French fleet initially they're again

we must say we don't know where the there's no sat there's no sat there going so initially he goes to Egypt and just bothers around the Mediterranean before he realizes oh fuck they've gone west wait so he does chase after them to the down the Atlantic yeah so it does the first part does work

yeah yes but then somehow the ships are so much faster right that they are unable to make up that time and so nelson chases villnerve across the atlantic to the west indies in a three and a half thousand mile chase it's like test cricket benny hill right yeah right and they miss each other by a few days because of false intelligence uh all vilnerve has managed to achieve they were meant to start attacking maybe Trinidad or Jamaica, but they didn't. They just sort of docked there and then got cold feet. And then they all got yellow fever. Right.

As well as cold feet. I know. It's a really devastating combination. They all got chronically ill. They've all got lanyards. Right. So they then come back, but they start to come back, but they're fucked. Meanwhile, Nelson, not a single British sailor among his 8,000 strong crew has died.

It's kind of crazy. Because it's just, I guess it's just limes. They're just eating, it's the healthiest diet in the world, it's the Royal Navy's basically. At this point, yeah. I wouldn't say that now. No.

No. Very, very dodgy diet they've got now. What? Well, I don't know. It's just probably tin fish and bumming each other, isn't it? Wouldn't you say so, Charlie gone? I would say so. Would you, um, does it ever get you going when you see the Royal Navy

Advert where I was born in Kruba? Oh, they're good ads. If they were wearing this, I'd be more fired up. You'd be the most susceptible to join the army, I think. Charlie out of the three of us because I just think you're the most susceptible to cults, advertising. Yeah. You do get done by adverts, yeah.

Yeah, you're definitely not at the back, you're not a strategy guy. You're very much a can for the sort of guy. You throw me, well, I'm the berserker rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your last roll of the dice. Yeah. I don't know what he's going to do. I'd say first roll of the dice.

Right. Get him out the way. Okay, he's dead now. Right, let's have a plan. We've got a plan now. so we've got a map up now I mean this is the this is the route they go absolutely insane

pointless I mean pointless I mean thankfully this is carbon neutral travel run out for the boys I mean how long does this take like two months? So no carbon emissions yes

so Gretauddenberg would love this well it's a carbon neutral war it can't be firing a cannon the musket must be carbon can we find out what the carbon footprint of the Atlantic Chase? Yeah, the Napoleonic Wars

please. Charlie, the carbon footprint of the whole Napoleonic Wars. Is this a war that the entire political spectrum could enjoy? It takes two and a half months to the chase. That's ridiculous. That is ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah. Little task for you. Little task for you. How many barbecues was the Napoleon War?

No. No, it means how many barbecues? No, no, no. How many barbecues? Charlie, go back, go back. It says at the bottom. Charlie, it says at the bottom. lightly totaling only a few million tons of CO2 equivalent. Okay, so work that out. No, get barbecues out your head. Barbecues is irrelevant.

Is there no carbon in barbecue? That's a separate question that I don't want to know the answer to. Yes, 5.8 kilograms. Right. Right. So, okay. Let's find out how many millions. Find out how many barbecues are going to probably on the walls are then.

Come on. You know? So 5.8 kilograms. It's only hot on here and we're wearing a fucking naval costume. Find out how many barbecues is in the fucking... Five million tons. Oh, Christ. divided by 5.8 kilograms.

So the entire Napoleon was 862,000, 6,966 barbecues. All right, so 862 million barbecues. Right. The CO2 emissions. Okay. It's quite a lot. Is that good? Well, if Napoleon had drunk the entire Nile,

then the impact on the planet would be... Well, that would be a geological disaster because the amount of all... It's the life of Egypt is the Nile. It's the... It's the fertile... One of the most important arteries in the world. That would have been... a war crime

Napoleon drank it all without affected the barbecues? You know what? You don't come in with answers sometimes you're put on the spot. You know, I've got to hold my hands up and say I've never thought about that before. If Napoleon had drunk the entire now by himself

would it have affected the amount of barbecues that the Napoleonic Wars was? I've never thought in those terms. And let us know the rest of history like they have people sending questions and they do it. This would be our sort of version. How many of barbecues is about my horse?

Charlie, fun little side quest. Can you find out how many barbecues was the Holocaust? Now, just to put things in perspective. Right, yeah. But whose perspective is it? Mine. I'm now judging history by barbecues. Right.

Anyway, where the fuck are? There's a two and a half month Benny Hill chase across the Atlantic. Somehow, I don't understand this. Is this what's in Master of? Commander? Is this what this is about? No, no,

Master Commander is fictional and it's set during this time. Yeah. But it's after Nelson's died. Because they are looking for the French in... It's based on stuff like this, but it's a fictional. Yeah. All of it's fictional. Right.

Okay. So, Vilnav starts heading back to Europe. Anyway, essentially, Vilnav is, he is very pessimistic. He's terrified of Nelson. Nelson's got him over a barrel. Yeah, Villeneuve is... His story is quite funny because it's pretty one note. Yeah.

There's not much depth to it. It's just constantly, fuck it. I'm going to fuck it. And then he fucks it. I know, I'm going to fuck it. He's going to get me. How's he still got his job, though?

I don't get it. Well, this is the thing Napoleon's about to take him off. The whole battle happens because Villeneuve basically realizes that he's cooked. Yeah. And he has one last chance to save his job. Right. So Villeneuve knows that Nelson's going to get him. Oh, he's going to get me.

I know he's going to get me. I know he's going to go. Oh, no. I'm going to fuck it. Oh, God. Come on. It's quite relatable, very relatable, right?

So he keeps changing his mind. He's got embossed syndrome. Oh, he's on. Oh, he's on. I can see him. He's there. Fuck. Quicker.

Oh, oh, no. He's going to get me. So he's terrified of Nelson. And so he's like, where do we go? Do we go to Cadiz, which is in the south of Spain? Do we go to Portugal?

Anyway, eventually, he had been ordered to go towards Brest, which is on, is Brittany? think so he was meant to go straight up this oh yes it is sorry sorry charlie's just got just to place cadiz for our listeners this is where they do this is actually i'll do a time place and what's this year what's the year 1805 so this is after uh francis drake um blew up all the ships in cadiz harbor yes called the singing of of the king's bit as king of spain's beard and before the spanish carnival

where as a tribute to stephen hawkins uh maybe i'd say 50 Stephen spanish spanish spanish Stephen Hawkins, went down the street, all pretending to be him, and then sang a song in Spanish about the beauty of Cadiz. And that's part of what's so strange about it, is it's not only lots of Stephen Hawkins, they're singing in Spanish.

Are they doing the voice in Spanish? It's hard to tell because it is Spanish. Al la. Can't make it stares. Look, look, it's actually hard to tell. And then the song has nothing to do with Stephen Hawkins. It's about, I saw a translation. It was just about how beautiful Cadiz

it is in the city. Look, the tomato thing kind of makes sense. Right. But the running of the bull, the Spanish are doing weird shit on weekends. Yeah. It's in the voice. That's in the voice. I mean, it is brilliant.

You got a... That's the 100%... Is it Ableist or is it just like fucked? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would say it's... Is it Aeblest? I don't know what it is. Can you find out why? I think they do it.

It's a parade they do every year and they celebrate people in general. Like notable people. They're doing Gavin Plum next year. They do Gammon Plum next year. And it's Gavin Plum and they're also, it's not just on a sofa. They look the same, but they're just on the sofa.

Are they raising awareness for ALS? Well, yeah, that is interesting. I mean, that certainly, that's going what this podcast is about. I know. I guess so. We're raising awareness. In fact that everyone

these days is disabled. Yeah. Well, you know what? The Spanish do weird things on weekends, don't they? There's a tomato one. There's a run after a bull. What they should do is combine them

where a bull chases 50 Stephen Hawkins and then you throw tomatoes at them. I'd love to see that. I would fucking love to see that. The rolling of the bull in Pamplona sign me up. I will cut the ribbon on that ceremony.

Love to say that. Anyway, what have you found? It would take roughly 50 to 100 Stephen Hawkins to defeat an average 1,500 pound. No, it wouldn't. Incorrect. The bull would win.

The bin would win. The bin would win. The bin would be very full of Stephen Hawkins. I mean, is there a number of Stephen Hawking's where they would just eventually tie the ball to exhaustion, I guess? Yeah, but then the bull would have a rest. What's Hawking doing?

Yeah. He's a snail. You can't get a word How's he, you know? I don't, yeah, I don't know. What is Stephen Hawking's top speed? In nautical, in nautical knots. Eight miles an hour, I think.

Eight miles an hour. That's not even a milk flow. But a bull will easily go. So I think if you're all pressing in. Apparently once, the bull will easily gore and flip the first 10 or 20 wheelchairs. But once the number climbs past 50 or 100 Stevens, the physical space of the arena fills entirely. So the bull gets surrounded by

Stevens. There's no arena. There's no arena. It's a field. It's an empty field. No, he's imagining it in like a bull fight. No, it's not a spectator sport. That's that's horrific. You're in a street. You're in a street. No, you're not in a street. 50 to 100 Stevens in a street and then they surround it. It's like how bees

will defeat their enemy by kind of they enclose it and then heat their enemy up. The Stephen. Heat their enemy up. The bees, bees will defeat their enemy by heating them up in a ball. Stephen Hawke Stephen Hawking will will surround the bull

We've got so much meat in this episode This is the Battle of Trafalgar And we are talking about how many Stephen Hawking It would take to defeat a bull And the answer is There would be no To finish this Get the video up of the recent

Of the guy who gets flipped by a bull Have you seen that? Guy's amazing No America yeah The farmer who gets It's not a bull It's a bison or something Yeah

this is it. This is awesome. Imagine you're Stephen Hawking. Right? Yeah, that's pretty terrifying seeing it fuck up that tree so you know it's coming for you. Oh no.

Here we go. Here we go. I mean... I mean, come on. Hawkins is not touching the book. I mean, what's amazing about that. Anywhere where your head's here and then a second later,

your head's there and your feet are there, that's just incredible. Yeah. That's box office. So, Villeneuve is having a terrible time. Okay. but yes, he decides to go to the Stephen Hawking Festival he goes, fuck me, I want to see this.

I love Stephen Hawking's, right? Even though he'd been originally ordered towards the channel because that was the whole plan. That was the whole point. The whole point was to lead them on a merry dance and then you buy yourself two days, less than two days, to secure the channel. And you got distracted by a Stephen Hawkins festival

and good news. I'm sorry, I've got to go, apparently they're doing 50 of them and they're doing the voice in Spanish. It's in Spanish. It's like the translation box got mixed up. I don't want to see that. anyway eventually the British fleet catch up with Vilnir

off Cape Finister which is in Portugal there wasn't much of an action anyway they get to Cadiz and now Nelson basically blockades Cadiz I think he maybe even goes home for a bit and then comes back I don't know anyway

so we get to October where Vilnav is running out of food because he's stuck in Cadiz but there's no supplies right so he needs to everyone know he's going to need to go out at some point. And let's, once again,

we need to know how many ships of the line are involved. I need to know this. I had a go at you last time. I always want to know how many ships to the line are involved at any moment. So Nelson, like Napoleon, though, is always looking for a decisive conflict, right? An annihilation conflict.

Yeah, he wants, because he knows if it's 1V1, he's going to win. Not 1v1, it's not. But most people who are trying to defeat Napoleon or Nelson, they're just trying to avoid direct conflict all times. yes because their whole goal is to be wiped out so there are 33

French and Spanish ships of the line huge numbers because in their entire fleet maybe there's 80 something like that the British have 27 ships to the line okay they're outnumbered just how we like it we are underdogs in October Villeneuve finally makes a run for it okay

because Napoleon tells him another admiral is going to come replace him because he's such a scaredy cat. And he goes, well, I'll show him. I'll show him. Oh, no, he's going to get me. And then they basically, they leave. And on the 21st of October, 1805, Nelson finally gets what he had spent months chasing

the chance for a decisive confrontation. Okay. So Nelson had been in this sort of unusually preoccupied with death before this battle. he basically said I'm never going to see any of you again multiple times he hopes that every battle yeah because he knows that

his luck can't carry on forever because he can't just stand on the board you can't just stand highlighted shoot at me on the deck of your fucking flagship not being able to duck not allowed to duck yeah for hours as people shoot at you he is he is looking for this decisive

confrontation but also I think he knows that his the tactics he's planning are kind of suicide. Yeah. Because what he's planning, and we're going to

get into naval tactics now, okay? So pack your spare, pants. Here we go. The Allied ships, the French and Spanish,

are in the standard formation, which is a line. Now what Nelson is proposing, and he's thought about this for months, is that he will

separate his ships to the line into two columns. And they will, essentially 9-11, the French and Spanish line. And so they

would drive into it at a perpendicular angle and separate the superior forces into three more manageable sections. They're going to deal with the rear and the centre first because the headwind, sorry, I'm cooking. The headwind will take the vanguard forward, meaning it's impossible for them to retreat and help out the rear and the centre. But also fundamentally, this is the main thing I understand about naval tactics is you want to rake them. Do you know what being raked is? I've been raked a few times in my life. I've been gang-ragged a few times. my life. What's raking? Raking a ship is when, you know,

standard warfare, you both have your cannons broadside and you're firing at each other, right? Yeah. But if you rake it, it means that you are shooting nose to tail, right? And it's far more damage nose to tail because you're firing cannonballs from the top of the ship to the back of the ship, which is causing so much more damage than through the side of the ship. Does that make sense? By as in, you're still firing boardside, but the other ship is on, angle.

Yes. If it's on an angle, if you're shooting at the front of the ship and you're just moving your cannons, the balls are throwing through the entire, through the marshes, the rigors, there's so much more damage. Yes, because you're not just going through the shit. With this whole idea, as he 9-11s them, what is amazing about it is he's risking himself getting raked for the first 20 minutes, 25 minutes. Maybe more than that.

Insane, they see each other coming for ages. So you're completely vulnerable for the beginning. Yeah. But as soon as you managed to go into their columns, that means the, that means the, you're that you can either side endlessly rake that all of their ships. You can gang-rake them. They're both fronts.

I mean, the French Spanish get gang-raked to Trafalgar. And that's why we have that square. I think Trafalgar Square is the best-as-alming gang-ranks square. Personally, I think they did the good job in naming, Matt. What's a spit-rake? A spit-rake would be, I'll tell you exactly what that is,

that's if, get the map back up. If, that's if, Nelson in the victory at the head of the first column, and Collingwood in the, whatever that ship's called, in the head of the second column, that would be when they both spit-rake the central part of the Allied fleet there.

But I think what Nelson's plan is is that he's going to hang around and get the rear column. And what's double penetraking? Double penetrator. That would be both columns. Or that would be you're double-raking them for me. I'll say what it is, actually, Charlie.

You know what it is, Charlie? It would be you're both kind of at the same time firing cannonballs in the same place. Yes. You're trying to rate them and... And do you know where he's got this idea from? His thruple with the Hamilton's. This is where he gets his naval tactics from, okay?

Two cannonballs, one hole. Two cannonballs one cup, all right? This is why the thruple is important to the Trafalgar. Because he's using, you know, the tactics that him and Sir William Hamilton used on Lady Emma with the Allied fleet. in the Mediterranean or wherever this is. This is at the Atlantic I guess. It's Eiffel Towering. Thank you, Phoebe.

Can always rely on Phoebe to bring up Eiffel Towering. She won't stop going on about it. So this is the tactic, okay, and he's thought about this for months. But what I struggle to understand is because this is naval warfare, Google, how fast is a ship of the line travelling at Trafalgar when he's 9-11? They're pretty fast.

But I want to know, is it 30 miles an hour? because that's still a long time of three and a half miles now so about less than half a speed of a max speed Stephen Hawking so what Stephen Hawking's about eight miles an hour? Oh so it's slow actually so Stephen Hawking's quick at twice as fast as this. So basically to envisage being the French of Trafalgar you are what you are at the head right of the Cadiz Stephen Hawking procession that's how long you've got to get your up together. It is the slowest motion 9-11 there is. There's a conspiracy theory YouTube documentary slowed down the footage to see when Jen Bush started it. I think Nelson did Chavalleghra himself. In 1991, two hikers in the Alps found a body melting in the ice.

They assumed a fallen climber. What they'd actually found was a 5,000-year-old murder victim. Welcome to Buried Evidence. Join archaeologist Professor Raksha Dave and me, historian Rebecca Radeal, as we dig up some fascinating true crime through history. Launching on Friday the 4th of September, you can find buried evidence wherever you watch or listen to your podcasts. Subscribe at thecrimescdisc.com and get episodes a week before anyone else. Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes?

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follow the bunker now on your favourite app you won't want to miss it so how long was so we got the tactics right I think we explained that right there's a line and then they're going the opposite way to try and break it up. Can I just say...

So it's like putting two fingers... It's just like pushing two fingers into the palm of someone else's hand, I guess. Yes, it is. But the convention would be that he also forms a line and they broadside at each other. But that is why he's breaking convention. And it is, as you said, it is so... It's suicidal. Especially because he's at the front.

He is leading his men at the front. He's at the front of the ship that's at the front. Of the plane. He's Mohammed Atta. And yet he's the captain. Yeah. So that's the flagship as well, the most important ship. So as they eventually approach, and this is happening at a snail's pace.

So this is the whole morning, everyone knows what's coming. And yet because they're sailing, they can't turn around. How long was victory shot at in the Battle of Trafalgar before they could break before they could rake them? Do we know? how long was that period of the battle? 40 to 45 minutes. Fucking hell. 45 minutes of them...

That's crazy. I was this mental. So it's been shot up for 45 minutes until it could break through. So we're skipping ahead. So on the morning of the 21st of October, Nelson readies the entire ship for attack. They put loads of sand down because they're like,

it's going to be a blood bar. So it's like a pub, right? Yes, it is. Changes the barrels, change the barrels, get the sawdust out. At 1145, he issues the signal, the famous signal, which the tabloids now say every time we go into the World Cup,

England expects that every man will do his duty. That's where this comes from. Okay. So about 12 o'clock, about midday, the French and the Spaniards start firing, as you say, at the victory. And is it Collinwood, whatever his ship's called, in the other column? And they're just, yeah,

they're taking 45 minutes. I mean, that's an undercooked Edinburgh show is worth of fire, right? And splinters are firing everywhere. You know, let's talk about the naval, the actual battles, the actual weapons. You've got grape shot cannon. Right. Right.

You've got, what's the balls with the chains? Chain shot. Two iron balls linked with the chains. Like that. There are people standing next to Nelson that just get hit by a cannon just explains. He's standing there like this and one of his mates will have a cannibal just obliterates him entirely. Dissolve them. A man basically evaporates.

Yeah. Next year. And Nelson doesn't. He's not allowed to flinch. Yeah. It's like you. His best friend. And I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. And he's just parading like this ostrich feather up because you can't. Right. hasn't changed. You can't flinch than ostrich feather. No. Because if I'm like, oh no.

Yeah. You lose the or not. The ostrich feather is still. Yeah. So let's have a look. This is some name. This is some cannon shot. You've got lots of different types of fucking.

I mean, this is the stuff now that like terrorists will put in, um. This is the sort of stuff Charlie puts up his ass. Charlie's putting Shane shot up as yeah Charlie lays this out on his bed and just thinks

what hmm which has I been a good boy this week this is more of a Sunday butt plug

so England prepares at about 1245pm finally Nelson begins to pass through the French

and Spanish lines and they open fire as soon as they've reached their that it's basically yeah it's like it's light night

it's lights out so um they as as they push forward the victory is severely damaged but this is where it breaks through into just chaotic close range fighting the noise I think there's a stat that uh something like eight times the amount of ammunition

is used in Trafalgar down by all the armies at war Waterloo put together. Really? Wow. Like it's just an absolute fire basket. The noise must have been insane. Yeah. I mean, what?

The victory has 120 cannons. They're all going off. Are they going off at the same time? And they're going off like constantly one down there? Yeah. How do you like, because it's so noise. How do you like know how the battle's going? How do you even check in?

Like at this point, there's no way to do tactics mid-battle, right? Well, it's all about semaphore. So this is why you all go after the flagship. Because if you take the flagship down, then you basically take out the command centre because then no one can so he's putting flags up saying engage the enemy more closely I support gay prize

I love the way that it's like everyone's put in their commanders in the most vulnerable place the one person who could decide what to do they're like let's put them as vulnerable as possible big ostrich feather put a big shiny thing above him so the British now have this technological advantage for the close course of combat because they have the carronade which is a short light weight cannon

nicknamed smashers so they can shoot a point point blank range, which is like canister shots or hundreds of musket balls. They're like massive shotguns. So what is it, Charlie? The carbon footprint of the... Thank you.

There are 830 million barbecues in the Holocaust based on weight. And how many million barbecues was the Napoleonic Wars? I think about the same. About the same. A slightly more. Interesting. Suspicious.

What does that mean? That's such a big number. AM to 30 many barbecues? No. Nah. I'm not buying that for a second. Come on. Let's less than that.

Anyway, Nelson's between 1.30 and 430 is just constant noise and fighting. However, at 1.15, Nelson has stood on the quarterdeck of the victory. They have successfully passed

the French line, and yet on the French ship, redoubtable, a sniper has him in his sights and at 1.15 a musket ball goes through Nelson's shoulder goes through my spine

and he's suddenly it's actually quite an unlucky shot even though he's been very lucky to not have been shot more if he had his arm the actual shot was pretty unlikely because it hits his shoulder and then it ricochades

and just goes into down his entire spine and completely fucks him because if he got a shot in the shoulder he'd survive he's got no arm yeah so it just goes straight he's got nobody to go.

Yeah. So he is standing next to his, his friend and colleague, friend, Thomas Hardy, is Thomas Hardy? Who we should talk about a little bit because he's,

he basically like just fucking loves whipping cunts. Yeah. He is next to it. They're surveying the action. And then Nelson, suddenly he looks round, Hardy looks round, and Nelson's taken the knee.

And he's like, what fuck? Is this black, Black Lives Matter or something? We've got the, we've got the BLM flag up. What are you doing this for? Then Nelson is quickly carried

below deck. And Nelson said they've finally done it. Well, you've only gone and done it now. Yeah, I've done it. So he's over the moon. It looks like my dad's mate,

Harry. Okay. They get into the cockpit. Now the cockpit is where surgeons operated. Right. Right. So this is just like a factory

of amputations. Right. This is, but candlelight, sweltering, unventilated space below the water line. Okay. Limbs are being thrown

into the sea. Just get out of rid of that. And sharks are loving it. So the shock. So there's sharks everywhere. Yeah. Loads of sharks. Charlie's working up so much.

I'm scared. Sharks are all around the battle of Trafalgar. So the people die from just falling off the ship and getting eaten by a shark. That's a cause of death of Trafalgar. Because there's loads, because limbs are being put in buckets of sand and then just shoved into the sea. Also, before they even start the battle, they go, right, we're going to attack. We've got like chickens and sheep.

Get them overboard. So they just chuck a load of cows and beef into the sea. I can't believe they're like that kind of imagine. Yeah, they're like, fucking hell I've had worse Mondays. The Sharks had definitely had worse Mondays. For Trafalgar? For lots of people at Trafalgar, they had never had a worst Monday. Yes, it was the worst Monday for many people.

This was their worst Monday. Yes, it was. But we must remember that sharks would love to see Trafalgar Square. They'd love it. Why? Because they were like, this was the best day to be a shark. Right, right, yeah. This is one of the best day to be a shark?

Yeah. Is that Nelson Scott? Well, I love that, man. I love this whole thing. Yeah. And it was fought on a Monday. So. Fucking hell.

There you go. The best Monday to be a shark. Anyway, now they've got amputations down such a fine art that it takes under two minutes with a sore rum and a leather gag. So it's like a Formula One pit crew. Yeah.

But just taking your arms off and not putting them back on. No, it's not really a tire change. It's just take your wheels off, right. Off you go. You're taking half the car's wheels on. Enemy ships are starting to surrender as the British are gang-raking them to fuck. Yeah.

Now, Thomas Hardy is running up and down to report to Nelson on progress. Nelson is trying to be treated by surgeon, but everyone sees him. He's like, this guy is cunt's fat. And he's sweating, he's pale. Stephen Hawkins. I don't know how he's still alive to him. No, but his last word aren't, kiss me, Hardy. Like, that's not, he doesn't sound like that.

It's not far off. Like, well, do you kiss me? Please, Harry, he killed me. So he's dipping in and out of consciousness. There's these three hours he's down on the table. and, you know, Hardy's crying. Well, yeah, and I guess Nelson's like... This is the national hero.

Yeah, but now Nelson's thinking this is bucketless stuff. I'm definitely dead now. I never had experience with another bloke, so I never knew if I was gay or not. So he's trying to tick off some bucket of this stuff. Oh, you think that's what's going on? Yeah. Because there is debate among scholars

as to whether he says Kismet, Hardy. What does Kismet mean? It's like... Is it a Hebrew thing? Eurasio Nelson speaking Turkish and is his way out. Yes, please, my friend. Yes, please. Yes, please.

Kiss me, Angie, yes, please. Chili garlic. Anyone else, please. You want salad and sauce? Salalans sauce. And everyone's like, fucking hell, he's gone to be madly. Did the bullet go in his brain or something?

You want salad and sauce? Harlan sauce, my friend. Kiss me. He's getting a kiss from his whole crew. Gats a kiss. Anybody next, please. Anybody next, please, please. Mavren.

Varka sauce, anybody. Barga sauce. Anybody next? Isn't Kissmet? I thought there's a Hebrew thing. They keep Vanessa. No. What?

Fineset. What? Oh, the Nesset, the Israeli parliament. Right, sorry. No, you're right. He said, Fennesse it. No. Fennesse it, Hardy.

So, supposedly, yeah, the famous line is that as Nelson lays dying, he says, kiss me Hardy. Fucking kiss it, touch it. And Hardy bends down and kisses him on the cheek. Nelson is hanging on, basically, until he hears. He's hanging on until he realizes if he's gay or not. He needs to find that up before. Yeah, I really. No, kiss it, kiss it, kiss it.

Kiss it, ah. Yeah, I'm gay. Oh no. I could have done the last half game. Oh, fuck. Oh. So he basically needs to know that his death, because he knows that to destroy this fleet is to secure Britain's superior.

Basically, it kind of secures world peace to World War I, basically. Like between great powers. On the sea. On the seas. Pretty much. I mean, Crimean War aside for, is the Pax Briticana basically start? Yeah, we've still got 10 years Napoleon at the war after this.

But as in... On the sea. He's killed it. The sea is a theatre. Yeah. He's killed it. There you go. That's the episode.

Nelson's killed it, guys. He's nailed it. He's smashed out of the pot. You smashed out of the pot. Yeah. But this, yeah, so he needs to know, and he's always looking for this confrontation that will ultimately secure the sea for Britain.

And so when Hardy finally confirms, around 4.30 p.m. that the battle is won. Nelson responds, Thank God, I have done my duty. And then he tragically dies. Kiss it, Hardy, Hardy. Kiss it.

Uh-huh. At the age. Yes, please, my friend. Anybody next, please. Chili and garlic. Salad and sauce. He dies at the age of 47. You know, tragic.

Tragic. Anybody in next, please. Salad and so. now the sniper who had shot nelson seconds seconds after he had shot nelson a midshipman on the victory shoots him to shit and he plummets from the rigging

lands on the deck and then another sailor points a cannon at him and fires scrap iron at the sniper's body so the sniper dies before nelson does the sniper gets absolutely obliterated completely shot to shit and i want to just it's on a joke it's on a joke i want to just paint a picture here you know

that this is like the splinters flying everywhere. It is, most people are dying because of like just shards of wood flying through the air and there's just constant, how many people die at the end of it all on the British side? Obviously, if you're below deck,

if you're firing the cannons, you're actually, that's the safest place to be in many respects. Sorry, Charlie's just watching fires. Yeah, he's watching, but he needs something to understand what's going on. I'm watching Charlie's eyes. I can just see you're really enjoying watching parties. not helping at all, just watching a movie. So 4.5,000 dead.

Is this total? It's just on the, it's total. And 3.5,000 wounded. 450 British dead. And the rest are, wow. Where's all the food? Huh? Where's all the food?

What do you mean? Where do they keep all the food? In the ship. And is that all good? Is that, did it? Yes. Yes, it's fine. Nelson's just, we've got bigger things to worry about Charlie

Anyway, right So by the early evening It's clear that the battle is won And Vilnav has lost 22 French ships Now Nelson had said that he wanted to capture 20 ships Which was, I mean at the Nile he captures

Is it like 11 and that's that's mad 20 ships is the idea that's never been seen before It's like Ronaldo numbers You're laughing. There's no way. And it is the most heroic, I mean, victory. There's ever been to this point. It's unthinkable how many ships he's captured.

I think what sets them apart, though, with all these sort of battle heroes throughout history is how much he put himself at the front and centre. I just don't know if that's kind of paralleled anywhere. No. With someone who puts themselves so much in the line of fire. Does Henry VIII do that? But with these medieval warrior kings,

they're involved, but they feel they're more protected. I don't know. No, I agree. I mean, it's like Winston Churchill, basically, being on the front of D-Day. And the first carrier... It's Churchill being first off the boat at Normandy. And he's just there, and he just gets completely... That's the equivalent.

So, Villeneuve is quite interesting. He gets taken prisoner by the British, but he's released. And then in 1806, having returned to France, he was humiliated. and then shortly afterwards he gets found dead in a hotel room in Rennes and officially ruled suicide but reports suggest he had six stab wounds to the chest

which I mean it's quite a French way to kill yourself I guess but he got knocked off obviously Napoleon who had been unhappy with him from the beginning supposedly he's the culprit now just to get a bit more of the

acoustic the extreme acoustic shock of all the broad size basically means that sailors who had been previously uninjured, their internal organs started to vibrate triggering 48 hours of projectile vomiting and blindness.

I mean, this is like, do you want to start these weekends? It's so noisy that you go blind for two levels. You go to, you leave and you're just throwing up. Now, Nelson dies. Everyone's gutted. Gutted.

Oh, gutted. That's what Harder says. Fucking gutted, mate. Wrong glass. Gutted. is I shouldn't a day. Now, his corpse, basically, the standard procedure is they just chuck corpses overboard,

feed the sharks. But no one wants to do that with Nelson. So what they do is they stick him in a barrel full of rum. Fire him out. Hey? No, fire him out. They're not evil going to. It's not a human cannonball.

They fire him over six London buses. Yeah. They stick him in a barrel of rum. to be transported back to London, right? But supposedly sailors would drill into the barrel to drink the alcohol, right? Yeah. And this is where we get the phrase,

this is the firing... This is the firing... Admiral Nelson, heroic victory after Trafalgar and, yeah, under big trampoline. So that's where tapping the admiral comes from. And he's given a massive state funeral. But before that, could you get the photos

I sent on the WhatsApp when I was in Cornwall? because when I was in Cornwall I went to Penn's Ants right and I was just I was walking through the pen's ants and I found this pub might even be called the Nelson

and I walked in and I said on outside this is the pub where Nelson's death was first announced after Trafalgar because I guess that would be the first the most westerly point of Britain there's a ship called the HMS

Pickles that's it and if that maybe fishing boats get the pickles or something. They get the sailors back to Penzance. And then this pub, that balcony there is where news of Nelson's death was first announced.

And then this pub in Penzance has a series of like paintings. And they've got Nelson's death mask there as well. And also... Just the age of the desk mark. Madam Two Swords is knocking about. Exactly. They got a statue, like a waxwork of Nelson, in this pub and Penzance.

And it looks you without eclas. Really? It looks like you without your glass. glass on. Now, the barrel arrives in England. The alcohol had changed colour

from the absorption of Elson's bud, so it's now purple, the rum, purple rum. I don't know what that's, yeah, you've got a fucking body in there. There's a whole body in it. You shouldn't really be drinking that. And he's buried,

he has a state funeral at St. Ports Cathedral and he is encased in a coffin crafted from the timber of that flagship, Lorient, problematically named, that he destroyed at the Nile.

And, you know, There's a huge. I mean, this is like Diana on steroids. This is sort of, this era is going into the birth of the age of celebrity in itself. And he's like the most famous man in Britain at this point. Yeah, I mean, he is Beckham. But this is, imagine if Diana had died because that car was going into a French fleet of tanks. But it was in Paris.

But it was in Paris. So it went to a French tunnel. Well, exactly. She thought there was a squadron of tanks there. Anyway. He dies a hero. Admiral Collingwoods, who takes command after Nelson and Remembourg. Marks that a great man has fallen, but England is saved.

And the battle does essentially settle the issue. So you're fair, Nelson does sort of Princess Diana into the French line. Yeah. With a horn of paparazzi behind him. Well, he actually was having his photo taken by the rest of the fleet. And he's like, can you just leave me alone? I'm with my new Arab boyfriend. And anyway, this is a much more successful.

This is Diana. The hero who Diana had the French 180 years previously. now Nelson may have won at sea but on land what Napoleon does is he takes those troops that were amassing at Boulogne and he goes right fuck it boys we're going east

in our next episode Napoleon will have I can't believe I'm about to say this his greatest moment at Alstallitz my god your prostates are not going to be able to they're going to cave in when I describe this is his Trafalgar basically Auster Alstolitz you've got the Ulm campaign

Oh my God You've got Napoleon in Spain The Spanish Ulcer Gorillas And a new English hero Will emerge To take on Napoleon On land

That's already on the Patreon Or is it I'm not sure We're doing these in two dumps Yes they probably will be We're having two big dumps Of Napoleonic War episodes You had your first load of shit

And the second load of shit's coming The entirety of the rest of the season. The second dump is part six. They're all going on the Patreon in one go. Anyway, fuck it. It's on the Patreon or not. Fuck it.

We'll do it. Pre-recorded. Fuck it. We'll pre-record it. God bless Horatio Nelson. And God bless this country. We'll see you next time for the continuation of this epic saga. Good night.

Goodbye.