Fin vs History - A Beached Lager Whale | Henry VIII (Part 4/4)

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

You know what they say, one woman's ick is another woman's kink. Henry VIII (Part Four) Go on holiday but don't get stung with data costs - get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans. Use code truther at checkout. Download the Saily app or go to https://saily.com/truther This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠⁠⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Henry’s Therapy 03:44 - The Ambassador Of Gout 08:35 - The Divorced Dad 13:19 - Walking Food Bin 19:53 - That’s My Boat 25:47 - The Golden Age Of Uncles 28:32 - Whale On A Beach 32:38 - Personal Growth  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finvest History. I'm sat beside ratio, and it's the final part of our epic series on Henry the 8th. I'm currently holding my turkey leg microphone like a sort of, like one of the first open mic are to get, like a 10 minute spot. So they'll come back to the mics with a bit of cockiness. It looks like the world's worst knob, actually.

It does, yeah. I mean, yeah, if that was your knob. Well, the turkey leg. Yeah. I mean, if it was a knob, it would be one of the world's worst ones. Well, it's a turkey. Yeah, it's a leg of turkey. It's a cook's turkey.

Here's one specifically. Yeah, I guess, yeah, to you honest, the photo realism of it, yeah, it is pretty knob-like. So now you've put that in the view of mine. For the rest of the episode, we're talking into two horrid knobs.

Speaking of the world's worst knob, we are dealing with a man. Yes. Today, who has a 52-inch waist, a BMI of 51.9. Yes. A BMI that I can only dream of. A man who has live cultures in his legs.

More of life cultures, life civilizations. They are developing technologies. Yes. They have found fire. They are collectivising. There's art. There's a whole cave paintings down there. They've built cities around rivers.

Yes. Maggot irrigation system. The Maggot Renaissance is happening in Henry's legs. He has kaffirthies. Yes, there's a Henry VIII in Henry VIII's legs of the American. Yeah. Russian doll in his leg, cutting off women's heads. Um, he has in probably my favorite move of toxic alpha maleness.

Yet. Just yet decided that a German woman was disgusting and smelly and too ugly to fuck. Whilst sitting on his own food bin of a leg. Yeah. Uh, and he has cut off his best mate Cromwell's head. Yeah. For organising such a disgusting, terrible marriage in the first place. Yeah.

I'd love to see just him do therapy. I just want to see what the, where do you even begin? What are the kind of like, what's the first session like? Yeah. Like it's, obviously it would take years and years

to even break down any of this, but I don't know what comes out. I feel sometimes, Henry, that you blame other people for your own security. Well, chop your head off, you're done.

Chop your head off. You're an idiot. You're a traitor. What the fuck's that? Cut a head off now. Problem is, is that. He projects. Can we say that about Henry?

He's decisive. He's decisive and he's robust. Okay. And he's, Is it a crime to be a straight man these days? Well, yeah, these days it is. Take us back to Tudor England. Yeah.

When men acts decisively. It was encouraged. It was just called spreading. Yeah. It's just called sitting down. It was just called explaining why your head had to be chopped off. I don't man spread the normal way on the tube. I'm a man spread out.

Do you man spread out? Because most people man spread this way. Yes. But I'm actually guilty of maybe woke man spreading. I'm man spread out. But you're tripping people up as you go past. Yeah, that is worse. Yeah.

Yeah. So just because my legs are so long and thin that I basically, I cause a lot more damage. Yes. But that's not taking up a woman's room, that's tripping up old people, that's tripping up children. Wheelchairs are going over the side.

There's kind of like everyone's getting it. It's not a gendered thing. Right, so it is just being a nuisance. Yes, yeah. Rather than gendered. Than being misogynistic. Yes. But again, if we're saying that this is gender violence,

I think it cheapens gender violence personally. I think it makes more expensive. Right. it makes it a premium so Henry the 8th we're now in the sort of you'd say early 1540s

he is as a smelly guy can we not slag him off no I think it's fair to say he stinks okay he has jet black mouth because he's got a sweet tooth except he's not going to teeth nose water he's eating surely that doesn't really touch the side

when he's eating whole peacocks and tripe and 80% of a meat diet and there's no fibre. We haven't talked about how fibre is not going in him at all. Dietary fibre was coined in 1953. Interesting. So to place this, this is before the concept of dietary fibre.

What about the concept of protein? Well, it's obviously after that. I mean, Henry the AIDS eating... But does he know what protein is? Does he... Tyber started when? Well, yeah, it's after the tiber. No, no, no, don't rhyme it.

Protein, when were the protein? Protein started when? It's Com 1838. Okay, fine. So it's after the geological formation of the river Tiber, which was, I think, 10th century BC. No, three million years ago. Maybe.

Yeah. When it actually formed as a river. Yeah, okay, fine. And it's before the concept of dietary fiber. By a British doctor in the 50s. And it both are relevant to the story. Yes. In that the Tiber is in Rome, which Henry does not like, and it's broken with.

It is a river that corruption flows out of to pollute the whole of you. And similarly, fiber, he's broken from fiber. He does not go into him at all. It's nothing to do with fiber. He has reformed his own body. And it's now massive. A BMI of 50. He's shitting blocks.

Noel, we need to get into his constipation because I don't think anyone has ever been more constipated than Henry the 8th in the 1540s. So he's constipated in a different way to Gandhi. Gandhi's constipated because he's only eating nuts. Yes. And not really eating anything. So his body is like, doesn't have a lot to go off.

Look, constipation. covers birds and elephants, but they're different, right? Gandhi's a bird. Henry VIII is a blocked up elephant, okay? He's eating thousands of calories of pure meat and white bread with no fiber. I imagine it comes out like those scrap metal box cubes. It gets crushed like that. There's nothing else to cut it with.

Dense. It has to come out and he lays a massive block. It's a collapsed star of a shit. He would spend. days in agony on his royal toilet, screaming in pain, while his physicians concocted horrifying laxatives made of liquid gold, mercury and crushed pearls to try and force his bowels to move.

Well, he's drinking liquid gold. Yes. Yeah. That will help. This is Elvis stuff, right. This is why... That will help when that stops becoming liquid. Yes.

So he's got fucking gold. Gold in his arms. He's obviously got... I mean, he is a sort of ambassador for gout by this point. Yes. He's the face of gout. He is the face of gout. And still to this day, he's the face of gout, you'd say.

So his joints are swollen to the point where he can't even handle like a bed sheet over his feet. So Sandro, a friend of the pod, Sandro who does, well, he's a sufferer of gout. He's sort of a Welsh, Henry the Eighth. Yeah, and I guess he is sort of Henry the Eighth. There's quite a lot, yeah, similar to Jamie Hutchison, Henry the eighth without any noble lineage.

Yes. Just the diet. Just the diet. Apparently the pain of gout is unbelievable. Yeah. There's like, you have crystals in your feet. A friend of mine had Gap quite badly and just still, even though he's kind of conquered it, he still just basically just wear sandals all the time.

Has to have an open toe. Really? Because just socks. The agony is there even if you don't touch anything. If you touch something, it's kind of unbelievable. So is it sharp pain? It's latent. It's constant pain which ramps up if it moves at all. But even if you're completely sitting down.

Also, I believe it's like to do with Mercury, rich foods are really bad for you. And to help him as a laxative, he's. have drinking mercury, which is also a poison. Yes. So I don't think that's helping his cow. No. But we should be aware when we're judging his actions that he is a suffering from chronic pain.

Right. Okay. He's part of the chronically ill community. He would have a lanyard at this point. Yeah. He would have a big sunflower land yard. Yes. Is that for chronic pain?

He's got long constipation. He has long. He has long gout and long constipation. Okay. He is 54 inches wide. By this, by the fifth. How big is that? Can he get a celebrity that's 54 inch way?

please. In the mid-1540s, he is being hauled up palace stairs. They have a Tudor stair lift, right? You don't want to be hauled ever, really. Never want to be hauled. You want to be hauling your hog out of your hose. Sure. There are no prominent celebrities with a 54-inch waist. This is, well, our patrons will understand this. This is 5x-L. Right. We often get comments when we release merch going, I don't go after 5x-L. They're hemly the 8th in our patrons. Okay. He, at this point, is in chronic pain. He has a land yard on. You should give up your seat on the tube for him. Okay? He's probably on Reddit forums saying the medical establishment doesn't understand my chronic pain. Yeah. They don't tell you seriously. Yeah. Anyway. They've no experience of what I have. Exactly. And this is part of the reason, you know, why he acts as he does. Now, at the day the Combs Cromwell is beheaded as a result of

catfishing him with Anne of Cleaves, right? He marries a 17-year-old called Catherine Howard. Let the dog see the rabbit, please, Charlie. This is actually an incredibly bleak story. How old was Howard? 17. Ah, woo. She has a weird-shaped head. I'm going to say that now.

I know that's the beauty sound of the time. Yeah, but you can tell she's a minks. She got a head like a cycling helmet. But yeah, minks. Look at those eyes. She's asking for it. She... What was she wearing?

A cycling helmet? Fair enough. now her uncle is Anne Berlin's uncle who brought Catherine Howard to Henry's attention and this is I suppose maybe this is like

you know this is a man in his late 40s by this point no early 50s man in his early 50s and he's been you know he's been married he thinks to see it all but there's a fucking 17 year old girlfriend

and he's like you know what I'm back in the game yeah he finally feels young again yeah I'm like a fucking binge you She's pouring out my thigh. She makes me feel... And also, yeah, she's very... What's the word for someone who's above their age? She's mature.

Yeah, yeah. She's gore. Prococious. She's precocious. That's what he's telling people. No, no, no, she's very precocious for her age. He described her as his rose without a thorn. And when they are married,

contemporaries describe her as lewd and naughty. She's 17. He's 15. He's 15. He boasted that he was, quote, at last, happy. and showered this new queen with clothing, jewels and estates. I mean, this is the divorced dad, finds a 17-year-old, and just makes her feel treasured.

Because that's what he's got. He's got money. He's got to offer. And for all the ickiness around age gaps, you know, if it's that icky, then don't follow the money. Yeah, sugar baby. Sugar baby. This episode is sponsored by Sayley.

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The bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we really start your week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest. and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. However, quite quickly there's trouble in paradise

because he, now it says in the script he's physically repulsive. I think that's deeply offensive. Yes, okay? He's chronically ill. And some people really like maggots pouring out of your leg. Yeah. Actually.

Don't yuck my yum. Yeah. You may call that a nick. Some people call that a kink. One woman's ick is another woman's kink, all right? Maybe Catherine Howard fucking love to suck it and mass sucking maggots out of his fetid thigh cunt. We can't know, okay? Maybe she got a frothing wide on at the thought of him having a frothing wide on, okay?

With maggots pouring out of it. We can't know. Anyway, he's still eating 5,000 calories a day. He's in constant pain. His leg wounds are seeping pus. He has type of diabetes. really touch the sides, just so anyone is, if they're interested, if you do have a maggot kink, you are called a formicofile.

Formo. Anyway, so. Forma file. Forma cofile. Formicophilia. Formicophilia. God, there's a Latin word for everything, didn't they? Those sick fucks, they invented everything, didn't they?

What's the angle there? What do you mean, what's the angle? If you look at a slug, I guess it kind of just made. You'll just talk yourself into being a fucking maggot fucker now. That was amazing. In the space of two seconds, trying to go out. What on earth?

You know what, actually. I can see why they like that. Yeah. Sort of wriggling little dicks. Yeah, no, I don't hate it. Amazing. Anyway, now, he's physically repulsive,

but he's also, he has such an ego that he demands that his wives, like, fuck him, like, cinematically. So... What does that mean?

Getting pegged? Hey? Pegging? No, as in like, he wants them to be... He wants them to fake orgasms. Oh, right.

Because it hurts his male. to think that he's not pleasuring them, even though he's obviously, he must be imbitant at this point. So basically, Catherine Howard has to, I assume she's on top. Yes.

And I'm not as, I think reverse cowgirl has never been a worse view. With two food pins for legs. So I'd imagine, I imagine it's cowgirl. He's doing reverse cowgirl. Oh, so she's got to lie by his leg? no so um i imagine it's cowgirl okay and she's got to uh-huh uh-huh yeah because otherwise he's

going to be like well you why aren't you having a good time off with your head and she's probably like well the smell yes i mean it smells so bad it's unimaginable the smell yeah it's a decomposing corpse attached to jaffa the hut yeah jab of the hut he obviously gets quite moody and unpredictable because of his weight game we've all been there's insecure and so he refuses to see Catherine for weeks at a time because he's aware that he doesn't look his best, perhaps smell his best. So after a few months of marriage, his energy starts to wane. I mean, that is just marriage, especially your fifth, fifth wife. You know, I get around, you've seen all the tricks, right? You know, what kind of moves is the 17-year-old? It's hard to be positive about the kind of uplift,

because you know how it ends. So after a few months of marriage, his energy begins to wane at this point. now either Catherine is accused of this or she actually does do this I think she actually does do this she starts an affair with her ex-lover Thomas Culpepper

So she actually is the most of her deserved executionist Catherine Howard Is that what you're saying? I'd probably say so A 17 year old knew what she was getting into the teenage Catherine was not attracted to

the stinky food bin leg king man with a 51 BMI He was a fucking The Brexit vote was his BMI. Yeah. And so Cole Pepper was a bit of a womanizer. And bear in mind, this woman is 17. You know, the woke revisionist historians

have maybe said that she was a victim of being groomed by this man, Thomas Cole Pepper. She potentially was, yeah, basically raped by this guy. Potentially. He sounds like, hey? Colpeper does. Thomas Colpeper is a noncy name, yeah, to be fair. And so she obviously is,

feeling slightly neglected by her husband. Perhaps she believed that she would be more pleasing to Henry if she was shadow batting in the nets. Interesting. And so she thought... Is this what she comes out with her... Is this her defence? I'm training.

Right. I'm training for riding you. And so she had secret dalliances with Culpepper throughout the summer of 1541, meaning that there's gossip surrounding her. Yeah. Now also, I think eventually they find a note, or Cranmer, the Archbishop,

finds a note written either to her or from her or in her handwriting maybe. But I think this is basically she'd been with Culpepper before and she must have been like 14 and he'd kind of groomed her. Yeah.

So I guess she's in a real rock and a hard place as a girl. Yeah. When your saviour's got, his fucking walking food. A rapist and a stinky place. Yes, yeah. She's a rapist and a stinky place.

Yeah. And so Henry orders, Henry doesn't believe this. No. He thinks this is a witch hunt. And so Henry orders a secret inquiry to clear her name but then members of the court

have claimed to witness her sexual behaviour are interviewed, they go on record and these outline that she had previous relationships with her music teacher when he was in his 30s she was 13. Ah-woo. And then Francis

Derham who referred to each other as husband and wife even though she was only 14. So she gets about or was got about. What is it, Charlie? Is this abuse? Yes, Charlie, this is abuse

I don't think I don't know if the 13 year old is abused than the 30 year old Well, what the standards At this point are you being Not at this point, it gives a fuck No, it's a free hit No one's been like Europedo

No The concept doesn't Why is that 13 year old slut seducing this poor 30 year old music teacher He's only human Yes, yeah There's no concept of paedophilia At this point

None. I don't think so Well yeah, it's there's an age of consent though 12 for girls team for boys. There must be some level of like if you're quite right. So but she was 13 she was barely legal. By the standards of the time she was legal right. Anyway, uh, Henry doesn't music teacher. Sorry? I'd say to her. Well yeah. It's a dangerous breed music teachers. Can't sound the heat. You get out of the kitchen. Think about the music teacher. What hair are you thinking of when you think of a music teacher? Oh, it's full but it's receding. Yeah. So it's really

long ball at the top. I had a music teacher like that. Why do they all have? Purple trousers really smelly. Why do they all have that hair? Mr. Tinson. Yeah. What is, is it Because they're a music teacher, so status-wise, they're going to be balding. But because it's vaguely creative, they can still express themselves. Is that what the combination is? Because if you're an accountant, they would have just shaved it and had the monk cuts. Yeah, exactly. But the music teacher, it's still like, I've got something about myself.

I put jazz records on. You're right. So they don't have... But also, they need something to kind of flail wildly while they're conducting. So if you're going to room with some of that haircut, what do you expect? interestingly the music teacher at our school purple trousers receding hair for bushy hair you're thinking clear-cut nonce when actually it was the chemistry teacher who just didn't turn up one day everyone was like oh yeah he's not working here anymore

know what i mean hard drive sees oh wow no jrug of edinburgh for everyone you got start did you not pass your juk in edinburgh no got cog blocked by a pido i didn't know i was a podcast with somebody who had what certificates do you have when you duke of edinburgh i don't think i have any completely unqualified i'm not not lesbian at all. I didn't get my lesbian badge, age 15. I think I've only got silver. No, I probably have...

Charlie, you got a Duke of Edinburgh? I must have a bronze. You got a bronze. I think I've got bronze, but Bronz he didn't have to leave the school. Not really, yeah. He did a big walk. I did a big walk at some point.

But you've got to have a Duke of Edinburgh. I mean, it's a key quality. You got to have that, just locked down. Yeah. My dad had a Pido. Excuse me? You had a Pido? Yeah.

Sounds like you had him in a basement like a gimp. Well, they'd bring out to show guests. No, my dad, um, his piano teacher would, would kind of kiss him on the head and the cheek if he did a good key. And then he went on to be a proper nonce. Proper. Did time for it. And then he's now back in the town.

And whenever we drive past my dad's Pido's house, he goes, that's my Pido. That's where my Pido lives. That's my Pido. Hashtag my Pido. Well, anyway, Catherine had a couple of Padoes, it seems like. But Henry doesn't believe it. And so he, but he orders her to stay indoors, stay in your room. And then Henry gets, he gets very deputies.

pressed when the accusations start to pile up. Yeah. Because he's like, this is not, not a fifth time. Are you joking? Is there not one good woman in this fucking land? One good girl's worth a thousand bitches, isn't it? Isn't it? So then they find the love letter. Catherine gets interrogated by her uncle yet again, the Duke of Norfolk. Yeah. And Catherine we, this is the golden age of uncles. It really is. The most powerful uncle has ever been, this guy. Two of his nieces are to be executed because he arranged I mean, that's just, that's beast. That is cracking stuff that.

We don't talk enough about the uncle relationship, creepy uncle with the niece. It's always with the nephew. But this is, the nieces are getting killed because of this uncle's recklessness. So even Kranmer finds, like, Catherine's estate, which is getting interrogated, and Kramma finds this sad.

He says, it would have pitied any man's heart to have looked upon her. Anyway, it's like, guards, yeah. And then she confesses about her previous relationship, blah, blah, blah. She claims rape. We've been around this.

We get it. We get it. This is not our first fucking wife execution. She admits to sexual misconduct before marriage, which is treason. Chop, chop. 50442, Tower of London. What was the execution like? Well, Derham, who was one of her pedos, gets hung, drawn and quartered in 1541.

Coal peppers beheaded, and then both heads are displayed in London Bridge. And then Catherine does not handle herself well at the execution. Doesn't cover herself for dignity. Berlin was quite composed. obviously. Belin was expecting mercy. But also she was using it as like a platform. Yeah.

You know, sort of feminist thing. Whereas Howard just kind of play, please, please, please, please. The support is the usual platform. Yes. But that platform was... She then got no platformed. Yeah.

Quite terrificly. But yes, tower guards claim that she practiced placing her head in the block so she wouldn't panic publicly during the execution. But it didn't work. She didn't practice hard enough. Shadow batting. Hey?

She's shadow batting. Shadow batting with her own head. She gets executed on the 13th of February, 1542. inside the tower rather than before a crowd. So behind closed doors, maybe the crowd had been racist or something. Yes. Anyway, UAFA ban.

Yeah, someone threw a banana peel. Yeah. On to the execution. And then, well, that's all right. We're all here towards an execution. That's out of order. That's out of order. Behind closed doors.

But the French ambassador says that she acknowledged that she deserved death and asked her prayers. So she came around in the end. Yeah, she gets it. So axe, one or two strokes. Hemley of the 8th is looking on going, quote, strikingly detached. But he must be almost cross-eyed at this point.

Well, he's in a big fucking chair that's being hauled through ropes. Because his mind must be rotting as well. Well, his leg is gangrenous. Supposedly his mouth is black and his leg is going black as well. Black. Yeah, black.

His mouth is rotten. I don't think he can chew at this point. His leg is completely black. There's maggots and pus, but that's a good thing, they think. They're following them around with like perfume to try and cover the stuff. smell of maggots. His like

attendance are throwing up all the time. He's five wives down. Howard has been dispatched. So that's the end of the middle order, right? Now we're going to the night's what? We're into the tail now. We're into the tail. Yeah, a couple of stubborn openers in Aragon and Berlin.

But the middle order is we rattle through it really. Yeah. And then, I mean, but yes, by the time. I mean, but this is the night watchman, right? Trying to see us over. Yeah, she does a strikingly good job, actually, Catherine Parr. Yeah. We get to, now, Before we get to Catherine Parr, probably the most,

the other consequential thing he does is form the Royal Navy. Yeah, which is the kind of beginning. I mean, this is also the beginning of modern Britain, the British Empire, colonialism. Under Elizabeth I first, the kind of Virginia colonies was the sort of beginning of all that stuff.

And obviously the Royal Navy is the key part of all that and he started that. So it's the... Henry makes us Protestant and a seafaring power. So he kind of begins the Empire. But what actually happened

when he started the Royal Navy? Because I didn't know that. Do we have boats before? What's going on? So he expanded dockyards at Portsmouth and established administrative bodies which evolved into the Navy board. The fleet became 50 vessels by 1547,

having only previously been a handful of ships. Right. So he organised it under one jurisdiction. And then he builds a body that's responsible for shipbuilding and repairs and financing stuff. The big, I guess, the 9-11 of his reign is the Mary Rose,

which I've seen. I've been to see the Mary Rose. Is it a good day? out? Yeah, I mean it's like half a ship that's intact and they're constantly having water poured on it to keep it intact. I think without it it would just rot and fall away maybe

I don't really understand. I imagine it's like if Henry the 8th was lying in state they just constantly be dowsy. And that's part of the what's good about this story is his house doesn't take like a poet to see the kind of the parallels right of this giant

hulking ship rotting away as his leg rots So on the 19th of July 1545, there's a battle against the French in the Solent and this flagship, the Mary Rose between the Isle of White and Portsmouth, right? Yes. A bad place to gig. Yes. Yeah, anywhere on that south coast, it's pretty grim. Grim, absolutely awful. Anyway, the flagship suddenly heals over. I am on tour. Flagship suddenly heals over and sinks. And Henry was watching from the shore. 500 men basically drown. It had been modified over the years with heavier guns, again, much like Henry, just getting heavier and heavier and heavier. And Augusta Wynn catches the sails, and it just water ports through the gun ports and then floods the vessel.

And yes, it was the kind of flagship, the symbol of this new naval power. And he just watched it sink with hundreds of sailors aboard. And he has to just sort of plod away. Yeah. Seeing his... Oh, no. Oh, fuck. I mean, he's...

My boat. You know, his five wives have failed him. You do start to feel for him a little bit. It's a very sad story. Yeah. You know? Is he the unluckiest guy ever? It must be.

Just to recap, his eyesight is now beginning to fade as well. Yeah, it's low light. He can't walk. He has ulcerated legs are worse. There's only a couple of more overs left in the day's play. He's made an act that said, if you question my health, it's treason. So doctors are like, oh, no, you're fine, you're fine, absolutely fine. You're meant to have maggots pouring out your thigh cunt.

So who's Catherine Parr? Who's the Knight Watchman? She's a wealthy, twice-widoed noble woman who'd been in... Twice widowed. Twice widowed. She sounds lovely twice-witowed. Two widows, one cup.

Serving in the household of Mary the first. Let's have a look at Catherine Parr, would you, final one? Let's have a look at the bottom order. That's my dog. She looks the same as the last one. They all look quite similar, I guess. It's got type.

Quite severe looking. austere woman. I don't know if the painters have got worse. So, uh, she had, her two husbands had died, which meant she was kind of financially independent,

which is quite rare. I'm sorry, I've just seen what Charlie's thrown up. Go on. Um, celebrities with most failed marriages. Mickey Rooney divorced seven times. Wow. Now,

which Mickey Rooney was that? Is that from the, yes. But I don't know, which is, is it he getting divorced or is his Asian alter ego also getting divorced? Like, is it the same guy, you know?

What are you saying that when he's the Asian alter ego? Does that count? It might be three divorces for him. He was like that the whole time. At home is what you mean. Yeah. And that's a tough guy if he's method acting. That's really at home.

That's tough in, yeah. They get married in 1543. Henry, I guess this is one last throw of the dice. One, is he even horny at this point? Is he just doing it for appearances? Catherine is very different from his earlier wives. She's intelligent. She's highly educated, politically cautious.

She's 30. Henry was 52. He's learned. He's learning, I think. And so she goes into it with kind of a... I think by this time, she's like, is this a good idea marrying a guy? She's looking at the track record.

Yeah. She's thinking, hmm. This guy's a bit toxic, actually. Yeah. Also, his legs got maggots in it. Is it gold digging or is it because you're forced to, otherwise you'll die? I think it's just the, it's the political...

It's not only what does your uncle want for you. What does my uncle want? Yeah. It's keeping your uncle happy. He wants the best for me. Every single time they've got an uncle that's making them do it. It seems that way. It seems to be a pattern.

Yeah. Right. Uncles have never been more powerful than now. The golden age of uncles. Yes. Now uncles are ostracized to the shed. Yes. They're kind of on their own at family gatherings.

They're staring at the wall. Yeah. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now. And it doesn't make any sense. sense. To anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do.

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The marriage was not passionate, more about survival and companionship. I guess it's impossible for Henry to be intimate. he's essentially on a big wooden wheelchair. Yeah, she was his carer, really. Yeah, I suppose. But she was successful as a step-mom. You forget that... All three children at this point.

Two girls and a boy who are looking for a step-mum. I mean, the stability for them. You come from a broken home. Yes. That's one thing, but this is insane. This is, yeah, this is much more complicated than my sense. So, Henry, trusted her more than any wife since Jane Seymour. She is also the first woman in English in England to publish a book under her own name.

Really? The lamentations of a sinner. Okay. Emo. Is that like the 16th century die of a CEO? What's that about? Three part secrets of reflections. Also, his court was also the first documented black person in England.

Really? A trumpeter. Yeah. John B. To place this, this is the first black person is in England. So it's now, it's under Catherine that Mary and Elizabeth get restored to the succession, line succession. Yeah.

So that Edward, his son is first, then married and Elizabeth, which gets reinforced in Henry's will. Now let's get to his death because this is, this is probably the funniest bit of, this is a fantastic end to, okay. So by the time of his death, Henry is over £300. Wow, what's £300,000? Go £300,000. In kilos, that's pretty about, $150, 160 kilos. Let's just see what sort of fat

Because there's my 500 pound live 136 kilos I don't want to see what they look like 300 pound man Okay Yeah But imagine that with loads of like maggots And a completely black mouth

Right Okay good I got an image now Do you think with modern medicine He could have been sorted If they just like tummy Probably yeah Because a huge amount was the constantly Open wound

Yeah plasters Which could have been sorted Plasters In a year at least So he spent his last Christmas At Whitehall Visibly dying he's completely confined to his chambers

he's being hauled around on like a sort of sled and he in this on January 1547 he is dying he is unconscious semi-conscious he probably dies from complete organ failure

shut down also he has several bouts of sepsis right because he's just got maggots in his course yeah leg the whole time his last word supposedly were God save me from the tyranny of the popes who's bloody the pope for this

I mean clerks until the end till the end bringing that up they bury him in a coffin with like a lead top like the Chernobyl guys they then are transporting him to the day before the funeral

but then they leave him in a church overnight and his body fucking explodes like a whale on a beach just bursts yeah the coffin breaks open

and the next morning he is found with dogs eating. Yeah, because he drips through, right? The melted leg. Yeah. So, Charlie, can you just get a video of a whale exploding on a beach?

Yeah. Because that is how... I mean, that's the way to go out. That's the way Clarkson should go out. The way Clarkson will die. Clarkson will be stranded on a beach. Just the beer, the lager, the latent lager belly will just pop.

I mean, this is the, this is the straightest way to die, I think. This is what a straight male burial should be. This is how I... This is how I'm going to be at the end. Fuck. Just, just... A camera captures the moment a sperm whale carcass.

Wow. Just all your guts thrown against the building. Fucking flying against the pavilion. Guts everywhere. Henry Leight at the end. Fucking hell. What's he done there? What's he done there?

He's just let some gas in. Yeah, there's so much gas. He's put oxygen in there. There's so much gas. He's opened a bit of it, and it's just popped. Yeah, it's like, it's Mentos in a Coke bottle. He's 55 years old. And he dies the way, he's buried the way all straight men should be.

It's just full of lager gas. Exploding, dripping down, eaten by your dogs. I mean, that's the straightest way to go. And supposedly, when he had divorced Catherine of Aragon, a Franciscan friar had said that God will punish you for this divorce, like the wicked biblical king Ahab, quote, the dogs shall lick your blood. Oh, interesting.

So it's a lovely bit of, circularity to the story. And so he dies in 1547. And immediately after Henry's death, power shifts to make sure that his weak sneezing son, Edward the 6th, will become king. And Catherine Parr, the Knight Watchman,

makes it to the end of play. Outlasts them all. Jack Leach at the end. Heroic. So that's the end of Henry's story. I mean, I guess to sum up, he is so intrinsically English, as we've been saying. He's the platonic ideal of a king, the idea that you most grab to when you think of a king. Yes, the excess.

What he does has been so relevant now. You still go to Hampton Court Palace. A lot of the things built in that time, the Royal Navy, the break from Rome, it's still all very much. the current thing. But also he is, you know... Black trumpeters. Black trumpeters. He saw that being a big thing before anyone else did.

Are we saying he invents jazz? I'm saying that. I'm at least saying that he sees the potential of jazz. Surely. Yeah. I think the size of him means that he can't not be a caricature for tyrannical excess.

Yeah. And it's something we don't really see... Is it a Greek myth of hubris as well? I mean... I don't know if it's hubristic, because he's just... He's the same. throughout. Yeah. He doesn't go on a journey really. Well, he does go on a journey. He

falls off a horse and then just gets faster and madder. That's a journey. He grows. He does grow. There's a lot of personal growth. There is a lot of personal growth, but it's sideways. I wouldn't say it's no emotional growth. No. But he has it's all on his physical body. But it's also, I think it's the first time a king has genuinely, now it's interesting because he wouldn't say he's doing it for himself. He's doing it for his dynasty because he's come to power after the Wars of the Roses. Yes. So is it an insecure dynasty? We can't help but view it as self-serving and tyrannical and narcissistic. But it's interesting that he comes with such an insecure dynasty,

but also is probably the person who has acted with the most absolute power of a king. Yes. Which is quite weird that to have your dynasty so spurious and to act like you have complete power. Is it not a man who can't have a son building a massive fake foam dick to strap onto his shorts? Is it not the same thing? Yeah, I mean. We should probably sum up by.

saying who is fitter's wife was. I mean, Seymour was the only one that in, in terms of, you know, the attitude at the time was successful. Attractive wise, it probably is Amber Lynn. She probably has the most about her. Yeah, but you got, we've got different types. I'm probably going and Catherine of Arrigan. Right, a sturdy.

Spanish. Yeah. Sort of, I like a woman who has big hoop earrings. Right. Sort of gypsy aesthetic. Mediterranean, yeah. Mediterranean. Yeah.

But I think Anne's got something to say for herself. Yeah, but she's annoying. She's annoying. But I'm just saying this is attraction. So it's not long term. Well, no, none of them are long term. I think Anne for three months is great. Three months.

Yeah. Fuck, I should chew your ear off, though. Yeah. It's true. Well, I'll chop her head off then. Well, yeah. But she'd just be going on about Frida Carlo and stuff. You know, I fucking take a day off, love.

All right. I can't be watch heat or something. Right. Why has it always got to be about this? It always comes back to this. Yeah. What do you mean you want to go to the V&A? Anyway.

Charlie, Charlie, what have you learned? Presumably this was something you knew a bit about. I know about Henry the 8th. I've heard of him. I've, uh, some people fancy slugs. I've put his wives as slugs. We can look at them.

Right. Zoom in. Charlie, you've made, so you've, I think what we've learned is that you've actually got a maggot fetish. I like slugs. And you've got, should we let the dog see the slug rabbits then

we've got Catherine Varegan top left now which slug would you find most attractive well I'll tell you what it's not your one ambulance a fucking buntar of a slug Berlin got absolutely killed in this AI animation Catherine Parr

no I don't like the dark colour I think arrogant is the best looking slow I think Catherine Howard and Catherine Howard she looks sweet Catherine Howard looks quite sweet no no no no arrogant looks most regal no I disagree Seymour looks clapped Seymour's eyes are too far apart.

Catherine Parr's hideous. But you want to fuck that, Catherine Arrigan,'s got something about it. I want that slug to get on my snail trail. Anyway, we'll leave you on this image of the Wives of Henry the 8th as slugs. Thank you so much for joining us on this journey. A great man, an English hero. A victim. A chronically ill victim.

A victim of, what's the opposite of misogyny? Misandry. A victim of Misandry. repeated a serial misandrous victim who bravely broke with Rome course corrected our country and what a hero he is the long road to Jeremy Clarkson

thanks for joining us we'll see you on the Patreon tomorrow for our review of the other Berlin girl but if not we'll see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here goodbye goodbye goodbye

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