Fin vs History - A Duke of Edinburgh Award With Live Ammunition | Margaret Thatcher & The Falklands (Part 4/6)

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

Order your Not Today or British PMs T-Shirts at fumblerooskiproductions.com/store The British land on West Falkland and the land war begins, fighting hand-to-hand combat over terrain built for lesbians, until finally, 1800 islanders and half a million sheep are free    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor CHAPTERS: 00:00 All roads lead to the Falklands 05:39 The final offensive 08:19 Boots on the ground 14:45 Boggy terrain 16:43 Lesbian Devision 17:59 Airpedos  23:00 The Battle of Goose Green 25:13 Yomping 27:54 Night time fighting  29:32 The Battle of Mount Harriet 31:57 Ear trophies 34:58 Surrender 38:45 Victory for mummy 43:51 Guilt free war 46:38 Rejoice Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That they're all for sale now, the Fumble Ruski production store. Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Sorry. Christ. I'm very ill. We keep going.

We keep going. The British never surrender. No. We will fight them in the podcast studios. We will fight them on the boggy peat. Yes. This is the Falklands War. This is the finale of the most climactic event in 20th century history.

The turning point. The turning point. Everything goes from here. All roads lead to 1988 to Port Stanley. To Port Stanley. Except I don't actually know how many roads are on the Falklands. Charlie, can we find out how many roads are on the Falkland Islands. I imagine it's

less than 20. What do you think it's got the least roads? I think 45. 45. 45. How many roads? There's around 536 miles of road networks. I think just one massive road. It's like Mario Kart. Right. Oh, it's just around the south. So it's a Mario Kart course.

Yeah, it is. Pretty miserable Mario Kart course. They're normally quite like colourful and like... Dumb-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum. There's just rainy with a couple of penguins, I guess. Bogs. And can we just compare that with the the road network length on the mainland of the UK, just to give our thick listeners some perspective.

A road network, you probably know quite well. I don't... Percentage-wise. Don't get me started. 262,000 miles. So how many... What was the Falklands? 500.

Right. So... Very few roads lead to Paul Stanley. Almost no roads lead to the Falklands. But it is the southern part of the UK. It's true. It's a southern border. 524 Falklands is the same amount of road as the...

UK. But it's all one nation under God. Of course. Stop the boats. And in 1980, in 1982, the filthy dirty Argentines invaded their fascists who electrocute poets. They're actually fascists. That's just not

someone who we disagree with. I know. They're actually fascists. Self-identifying fascists. Not just someone on Twitter. No. No, they are genuinely fascist. This is pre- Twitter. We should place this. This is in 1982. So this is what after, is that, is this is after Joy Division's first album. Wow.

Yeah. And then it'll be before Blue Monday, New Order. So is, what's his face? Has he hanged himself? It's going to be, post-punk, go on, yeah, 79, and then Blue Monday, let's have a lot. So this is, the music that's going on in this era is great. Like, the response to the Depression of Thatcher is some wonderfully miserable music. Well, New Order is 1983, so that's probably one of the best, the best placings we've had.

And also, so Ian Curtis, when did Ian Curtis kill himself? It must have been 1980, I want to say. Ian Curtis kill himself. We don't know. It's the most pointless. Because no one has a conspiracy they released them. I would like to question it.

1980. I would like to question Ian Curtis's death. So Ian Curtis made two unbelievable albums, killed himself, and then they reformed his new order. Yeah. And that's all happening

amongst the backdrop of the Falklands. And did he kill himself? Was this the first moment in the Falklands War? The starting gun? Was Ian Watkins? I don't think Ian Watkins killed himself. Now, no one's saying he did.

I think Ian Watkins is Ian Curtis. He just changed his last name. I think the Joy Division is named after a phalanx that Ian Watkins is trying to start. Rest in peace, Ian Watkins, friend of the pod. Say his name. What about seeing Ian Watkins? I stopped, like, keeping up to date with him.

He's a musician. Yeah, like 2010s, I stopped really like focusing what he did. It's a shame he's not making the music anymore. They're still on Spotify, their music. Oh, great. Which is strange. Even if you're still out there. Given what's not on Spotify, it's weird that they go, nah.

Messaging, we'll get, you're only guests as a show. Ralph Harris music still on Spotify. Oh, brilliant. What am to Ralph Harris? Sorry? What happened to Ralph Harris? I don't know. I mean, he's brilliant.

Yeah. Animal hospital, I think. Yeah. Yeah, well, great. It's a shame that sort of stuff's gone. Won't kill it. Yes, exactly. Gary Glitters, it's funny that you can be, you can be an active paedophile,

but if you're silent on Israel, Palestine. Keep playing the music. Yep. Keep playing it. Keep playing it. Anyway, Ian Curtis is dead and I think Galtieri killed him, but that's my personal theory. We are talking about the Falklands, which has been heating up. The Belgrano was sunk rightly. Thatcher, Mummy, has gone all out. She's

moving all her troops. The task force land on East Falkland in, I want to say the end of May, 1982, the 21st of May, 3.3.3.3. thousand Royal Marines. We can sit there. We can know. This is something we can know. We can't know if Ian Curtis killed himself. We can't know if Ian Curtis is now Ian Watkins, who then got killed. Yes, we don't know. We can't know. Did Ian Watkins kill himself? Did Geoffrey Epstein? Are they all the same person?

Did he walkkins kill himself by stabbing yourself loads of times in the neck? With loads of different knives. Maybe. Yeah. We don't know. We can't. Roughly 10,000 ground troops are on the islands by the time of the final offensive. Final offensive makes me laugh. for some reason, whenever I say it, because it just sounds like... It just sounds like they're just doing racist accidents. That's the last letter of this podcast. The final offensive.

Just the offensive, for some reason, seems like you're underplaying, shooting them with guns, for some reason. Well, it is weird, isn't it? I cause offence. And yet these people are gunning down... Yeah, that's... I guess it is offensive.

Well, from the Argentinian respect. As offensive as you can get. How dare you shoot me? Yeah. And the average age of the troops in the task force was 25. I watched a video last night of when the Falklands

properly kicked off all these young boys going into I mean many of them were unemployed I guess that's part of that's that's just fault as well but they were going to sign up and they're going

we're a great country we need to you know all these boys the patriotic forever similar to like just after 9-11 and when everyone goes to sign up in America to fight in the Falklands

yeah yeah I know who did it immediately I know who did it it's those Argy Basters they did it so obviously we covered in the last two episodes

the naval skirmishes the insane bombing raid via ascension. I mean, what was really interesting the last episode is realizing that, yeah, a plane shooting a shit like that like a sea battle

hasn't really happened no since World War II. I don't know how like unique it was to have that sort of warfare. No, this is a... Two big boats. You have no fights between guys with two big, big boats.

No, it's a, I mean, that's like, that's the 19th century, gunboat war. Yeah. But this is in the 1980s. We're running that shit back. And we feel good about ourselves. Yeah, exactly.

The Falklands, all of the, vibe there is the 50s and the 40s. It's all just running that shit back. Yeah, so we are, yeah, if you don't know, basically what happens now, the land war is essentially a Duke of Edinburgh competition with live ammunition. The Falkland is a model village that Britain desperately needs to protect from actual fascists, to be, which to be fair, the model village is very close to. So the task force moves to the amphibious phase. Landings at San Carlos Water on East Falkland. Now they land on the, on the eastern side.

And Vibis landings are very difficult. So that's the big advantage that the Argy's have is that they're on land and they're entrenched, but they're expecting the landings. Create a beachhead. Yeah. Oh, the dad. Beachhead.

Yeah. There's a soundboard of words that if you hear in enough in the right, if you fred again in the right order, dads will come. Well, like their G-SPAT, Redoubt, sandbag. silent at Christmas.

You bring up Beachhead. Dug in. They're dug in in the sandbank, beachhead. Ah, uh, uh, uh. Yeah, dads are just like, well, you know, that Dunkirk, it was like, the myth of right is that there was like loads of fishermen who sent their boat. But I think this is like, there's loads of dads in the shed painting. And then they put down their paintbrushes.

They hear the foghorn of war. Yeah. So, they landed, now the Argentines are expecting us to land by Port Stanley. so they've entrenched port Stanley but we surprised them by landing at the opposite. By slashing them. Yeah, yeah. We flashed them and they're probably into that

these sick fucks. But we land at the other side of the island at San Carlos at night and obviously like landing. For some reason, that's what I would do. Yeah, you always say this though. Yeah, I know, but part of me's like... You always have these amazing epiphanies

when you realise what history happened here. Yeah, I'd probably do that. Wait, so they all think we're coming from there. What if we come from there? Yeah. It doesn't mean it's not good. No, it's good, it's good. Yeah.

I just don't know why they... Are you criticising the British military generals for being unoriginal? My problem is whenever I hear military plans, because they've already happened. Yeah, they assume I've worked. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, that's why I would have done. I would have double bluffed. I would have gone, they're entrenched there.

Yeah. So they think they were going to not go there, but we are going to go there and we're all going to die. So you're just... That's not what they'd expect. You get no points for originality here. New Peru. Surprise attack. Yeah.

That would be very funny Argentina wasn't ready for it If you were Prime Minister What should we do? Should we invade Port Stanley or The key thing in war is the element of surprise Luke to nuke A neutral third party

But the Arjis are not ready for it They're not prepared Crucially neither are Peru Just a bunch of people in fucking Arjis have nothing prepared For the possibility The President after you did that Prime Minister are you sure you know where Argentina is

Confident I meant to do that I meant to do that I thought why not bring why not rain down fire. We've rattled the Argentinians. They have no idea what we're going to do next. Peru is thousands of miles away from Argentina. They don't do that.

They decide to land at San Carlos. And they do it at night. Landing implies it's very quick, but it's not because they've got to unload all their fucking kit and all their vehicles, you know, tanks, transport, radios. So the Argentines work out eventually when they fucking wake up that the Brits have landed.

What's interesting is that it's very hard. for them to know where we're going to land, but that also, I feel like I would be able to find out where we're going to land to so many of us. Yeah, but also, there is no distinctive, like, when you say like, oh, I'm going to Germany, oh, great, you go to Berlin? Like, I'm going to Falkland Islands. Oh, I don't know. There's no. There's no landmarks. No, there's no, like, fun places to go. So that's why they, you got to go Stanley, you know, no one's saying that. Are you saying why the Argentinians didn't pick up where we were going to land because there wasn't like an Eiffel Tower for them to, there was no fun tourist attractions. Oh, I.

I know where they'll land by that massive thing of hay. I've clearly got this wrong, but in my head, if I was the argy, as I was defending this island, the key thing is knowing where Britain's going to land, so you don't give them a head to start. Surely you have, like, big patrols the whole time. But this is what they do? What is it, Charlie?

Is this the origin of, is argy-bargy from the Falklands? I think probably, yeah. That's a very good point. I mean, this is an argy-bargy. This is an argy-bargy. The argy-bargy. It's from Scottish. And it means a lively discussion, which I...

I guess this is in a way. In a way, it's an incredibly mild way of putting a conflict where a thousand people. We had a lively discussion over the Falklands. We beat the Argentinians in the marketplace of ideas. Yeah, and of guns. So they eventually find that the Brits are unloading in San Carlos, and then they launch loads of air attacks. And this hits and sinks a lot of British ships,

the HMS Ardent, Antelope and HMS Coventry. Coventry's been through enough. Don't call it that. If you name it that, then it's going to get a bomb to shit. You've been to Coventry? Yes, it's awful. You went to Union there. I went to Warwick, and you don't find out you're in Coventry until you get there.

Yeah, I went, I look around Warwick, and I went, you're out of me on here. This isn't Warwick. This is Coventry. I'll tell you what Coventry has is a massive IKEA, and apart from that, there's nothing there. There was a gig that used to run in Coventry, and my God, like, the best thing about it is the underpass on the roundabout. that's the only bit of beauty while I was saying that

this is Miss Coventry is it she looks lovely Mr and Mrs Coventry where's Mr Coventry you misogynous pig Charlie It says on Facebook

there's a Mr Coventry Oh hello Hello Mr Coventry Meet the new Mr Coventry Anyway the HMS Coventry sinks This is where they fuck us the most right This is that

Apart from maybe the sinking Of the Sheffield But this is where They take the most damage because we're sitting ducks. We are sitting ducks. But you can see on the map if you're watching, there's a little inlet so it's sheltered.

It's not quite as windy. So they do eventually establish a beachhead. But I believe the key thing, though, is that they choose to put all their firepower on the ships in harbour, or the ships that are off the coast, but they don't know where the amphibious landing is. And so they put all their firepower in the wrong thing.

Even though they've damaged a lot of the ships. We get on board. The key thing is once you're on land, the wars basically tied up. But also, a lot of the Argentine bombs don't blow up because there's a sort of Argentine paddy factor where they don't set the fuses correctly. Are you saying the bombs having a siesta? But it seems that way.

I'm saying that maybe they got the IRA to fuse the bombs because a lot of the bombs don't blow up. So they could have absolutely pounded us. The sort of pan pass factor? Yeah, the pan pass factor. Thank you. The bombs are having a little sleep. Now, so the men get on board

and they have to basically wade through freezing cold water. The landing zone is essentially bogs. Wait, hold on, sorry, what's this? An estimated 100,000 or more penguins may have died in the areas affected by war. Wow. Oh, it's because of oil spills. So it's over, it's not 100,000 dying.

From helicopter fire. Yeah. Strapping penguin. Like Stalin grad for penguins. Penguin grad. Christ. Fucking hell. I mean, when we talk about war casualties,

I suppose... I guess if there's enough penguins that they do become a pretty key war casualty. And three whales. And three whales, of course. Is that enough to have a monument? What is it so due to oil spills

and general disruption? But that's like passive smoking. Yeah, general destruction. Is that because they're like routines? You can't say that I've not killed you because I'm smoke near you. Yeah, but it's like my whole routine's off so I'm going to die.

Yeah, exactly. Are they autistic? How much do they need a routine? Just swim away from the oil lads. Again, it sounds simple in retrospect. But they have to, weighed through freezing cold water with loads of kit and I watched some videos of the of the war and that the fuck the landscape is horrible it's awful there's like boulder fields yeah and they've got

to walk across it at night and it's like this is a sprained ankle waiting to happen sure this terrain it's wet it's dumpy also that so they got a lot of trench for yeah but i've got waterproof shoes they didn't seem to have them all right no but i mean but i guess this is pretty i've got waterproof shoes But is this pre-Gortex? This podcast going very well. I've got waterproof shoes. Oh, is this pre-Gortex? It must be pre-Gortex.

When does Gortex start, Charlie? Surely now they wear Gortex, right? You would think the military have waterproof shoes. They're not all like Gorp-Cored out, though. Yeah, that's what I mean. It should be Gorp-cored out. Founded, always slightly wrong. 69.

Gortex, but the first commercial outerwear product came around 178. Just dripped out in the Falklands. Yeah. I guess North Face. Gortemarks or Morgan. North Face Gortex. I mean, really, we should have sent a fan. malanx of lesbians.

Yes, they're the most waterproof of all sexualities. They are, they are. They are. But they would have, I mean, this is their terrain. Yeah. Falkland Islands is lesbian Valhalla.

Because they're so used to go down stinky, stinky bogs. It's because it's hiking. It's like all this terrain is is hiking. Right. It's just women with sensible shoes and a couple of sticks having at it.

What's going down in that little craggy little split there? My point is the, Lesbians would have been perfect for the Falklands at all. They're a vanguard. They are. They are a vanguard. In gentrification as well. They're the first people you send in.

We've spoken about this before. Lesbians are the first wave. They break through the walls. They turn a kitchen dining room into one room. They do all the infrastructural. The spearhead, much like Hitler's Panzer Division, we should have had a lesbian division. Yes.

Going in, breaking through the lines. They don't sleep. They love hiking. They just walk. They hate men. They hate men. famously. They hate men. They're thick set.

They've got low central gravity. These are stout lesbian women. Powering through. Balding. Yeah. Field Marshal Clair balding leads to foreclines. Now, speaking of national treasures,

Prince Andrew is... Yeah, there's penis from above, like dragon. We've got lesbans... Lesbians go out of the water. Pitos come out of the sky. The Argeys don't stand a chance. They don't stand a chance.

We've got air pedos. Andrews flying Seeking Helicopter missions Seeking Now this is We should spend some time on this Because this is crucial

In his defence against the slander The News Night So Of a veteran Of a war veteran I mean Help for Heroes were completely silent When he was going through all this

Where were help for heroes Where we need to shake Our tins to collect pennies For the Lesbian Veterans of the Falkland Islands Now his role was to evacuate casualties from the shore back to the ship to transport supplies and personnel between ships. The whole time. The whole time. As a key part of the conflict, right, was the helicopters

moving things from place to place. So there's on a constant. Basically, the aircraft carriers and the fleet were like the base and he was shuttle running supplies. Now, he also participated in decoy missions to deter submarine and air threats. Right. In 2019, Prince Andrew claims that he developed a temporary inability to sweat following a traumatic, quote, adrenaline overload in the Falklands. So what's happening there is that he got so excited on a helicopter run that he could never sweat again? So Queen Elizabeth apparently can't sweat.

So there's maybe like a... Can she not? She never could, apparently. There's some footage of her like in... Just a pant like a dog? Yes, she pants like a dog. What's it called? Anadrosis, a condition characterized by poorly functioning sweat.

It can be genetic. Prince Andrew's claim is that he didn't inherit it, but he contracted it as a result of adrenaline overload when he was a helicopter pilot. Now, the only time this has ever happened, there's a science experiment where they tested whether this could happen. It was in horses.

Right. So it's happened once to a horse. But Queen Elizabeth loves horses. Look, they're horsey people. So she could have been fucked by a horse? And that's Prince Andrew's half horse? Yeah. Anything's possible.

I mean, they do look a bit horsey that lot. There's a horse in there somewhere. There is I see a smiling. The horse racing. Yeah. You heard it at her first. QE2 loved horse cock. You heard it here first.

So Andrew is shuttle running. So he was doing decoy missions to people. Which would. Arguably his role of with Epstein could be a decoy. Yes. He could be a decoy paedophile. Throw people off the scent of the... A false flag.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what he's throwing people off the scent of though. No, no, no. I was going so that. People wouldn't, wouldn't think, wouldn't, real pedos wouldn't go. Is that the defence?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I was on the plane. I was at the Pido Island, but I was there. That was a decoy. Because if I wasn't there, then a real Pido would have gone. So,

thinking of it that way, actually. That's smart. Yeah, that is really smart. Yeah. What a legal mind this guy is. Because it's now amongst the Pido communities, they can now trust no one. No.

Because they're like, one of you guys could be a decoy. You could be a mole. Exactly. Now, the other thing I should say is that, if that if that is a thing, doctors hate him. It would result in more sweat, not less.

Right, okay. Which makes sense to me. Was he sweating during the interview when he said he wasn't sweat? No. Okay. Famously, he was ice cold. Is that the worst interview ever? Is there any...

One of them? Has there ever been a more disastrous interview than that? Why are you gay? Guy Goma's up there. I'd love to... He killed it. Guy Gey Geyer Slades. But the interview, maybe.

That's the worst interview ever. Andrew. It's the most deluded because at the end of it, he thinks he's nailed it. And he shows Emily Maitlis around the palace. And he's like, I've absolutely, I've hit this for four. No, no more questions. A man has not really been told no ever or doesn't listen to know. It's crazy.

Anyway, as I said, they're allegations and he's a veteran. And we should say thank you. Thank you for a service. We wouldn't have won the Falklands without Prince Andrew. No. We get to the Battle of Goose Green, the name that shudders throughout history. Now, this is quite funny because this is a, if you look at the map, it's kind of an irrelevant position. But the British state needed a win.

Politically, we need an early land victory. Yeah. So... We needed a big sun headline. Yeah. And Goose Green is not really near Stanley. It's not really near where any of the major, you know, RGs are. But a parachute regiment is ordered to attack Darwin and Goose Green.

It's a small settlement. And historians argue that this was basically more symbolic. Yeah. Right. Now, much to the chagrin of the... Brits, the BBC broadcast the news of the imminent attack on the World Service, which I'd say

given that we're military experts, I'd say don't do that. I wouldn't do that. And they were listening as well, planning a surprise attack night raid. It's like them saying we're going to nuke Peru before we do it. Don't tell them that. They've lost the whole element of the whole power of the nuke

Peru policy is that they don't expect it. Operation Lama Exploder. Operation fuck llamas. Yeah, Lieutenant Jones is in charge of the operation to assault Goose Green. He says, after the broadcast, he's going to sue the BBC, Whitehall and the War Cabinet. He's a lot of fun. I can imagine.

So this was intense fighting, close quarter infantry engagements, mortar fire, machine gun jewels. It's at night, it's boggy. It would be fun being that justifiably upset in the Falklands. That's what British dads have that pitch anyway. But it's about someone not resealing the hand. You know, do you know what I mean? No, it's about them having like too many black people on news night. Right.

I'm going to sue the BBC. But now he gets to say that and that must feel amazing having a justified. Yeah. The way he said it, he must have absolutely loved the way it came out. So. God's sake. So what he does is the Argentine forces are dug into trenches and positions and there's lots of fighting. And I think the British have already basically routed the Argentine forces because we're

professional soldiers and then he shivering conscripts yeah and he leads a charge on an enemy machine gun position despite this and is immediately killed but he was desperate to be in battle yeah he'd read all this stuff growing up

and he thought he'd never get an opportunity it's fucking do it live we've already won Leroy Jenkins basically so yeah he was desperate to be in a battle so he goes fuck it you know he just breaks cover runs into machine gun fire

instantly killed later all of the Victoria Cross right and it's a bit of a controversial whether it was at all necessary this whole thing so about military historians are still debating it right the goose green

well yeah it doesn't it doesn't seem strategically doesn't seem that important but the Argentine commander lieutenant colonel Italo Piagi surrendered about a thousand men to a comparatively small British

well I think about 500 British forces the Argentine conscripts were so cold and underfed that they surrendered instantly the civilians from Goose Green had been under house arrest

they were released and this meant that the British troops could carry on advancing over their rough ground. So this is what's horrible. It's like 60 miles from where they land to Stanley. And as I'm saying, it's just the worst terrain possible. So this is called yomping, right? Yeah.

It's a lesbian thing. Yeah. We're going out yomping tonight. Yeah. You're on the yomp tonight. Lesbys out on the town to get some pussy. Yeah. Calling it yomping tonight.

We're going to go yomps and puss. I'm going to get my sensible shoes on get my Gortex, my north face, my big sticks. I'm going to go yomping. No, yomping is a term for, it's also a term for walking in full kit. Right, right.

This is constant wind, it's rain, it's sleep. So 60 miles. 60 miles, everyone's got trench foot, the troops are sleeping in their wet clothes. A lot of the major battles are on, basically, to take mountains. Yeah.

But they're not really mountains. They're like, They might, something like dimmocks, basically. This is the most intense fighting this bit coming up, right? Yeah. And it is horrible, like, listening to a counselling. What have, why have you got, what have you? I used to have this.

I used to have pit of keratolosis. What is that trench foot? It's a kind of form of it, if you get rid of, if you have wet foot for too long. What were you doing? Were you yomping? Dancing. I just wasn't washing my feet enough. You got trench, you got trench foot from dancing.

Yeah. When did you have this? A few years ago. My mate had it too. We found out together. Our feet fucking... The only symptom is your feet stink and they got holes in them.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Check your feet. How long were you not washing your... Months? But were you dancing all the time during this period? No. But I was dancing a lot. Is it like a festival thing?

I guess it's like a kind of like... Was it over the summer? No, I think it was winter. It was like a winter... Did you like just not take your socks, socks and shoes off for like months? I don't know. But I had it.

I had it, and they just, they really stink. How'd you get rid of it? You just wash your feet a bit more and keep them dry. Get them out, when you, when you, you should keep them dry. I mean, getting trench foot not in the combat zone is, even by your standards, phenomenally retarded. My best mate had it, too. Yeah.

So it's the same lifestyle. He's actually still got it somehow. Right. He's still got it? He's still got it. I mean, that's what's funny. When you get a peek as a Charlie's friends, you realize he's the, he's the one with a job. I know, I know.

I dread to think, you can never bring a. any of your friends to work for the office. So yeah, this is the horrible fighting now. This is, it's all done at night because the Argentines sort of arguably have air superiority. Yeah. And we haven't mentioned at all the sea harriers, which are the key

weapon of the war probably. Dad's, ah! Sorry, they've suspended some of the sea harriers in like the Imperial War Museum. Yeah, yeah. This is proper stuff. Yeah. But there, though there was far less airplanes on the British side the sea harriers were like far better than the Argentinian ones and they can I think because they could

lift they could do a vertical yeah that's pretty sick isn't it so they didn't need like proper landing strip yeah the sea harriers fired me up for sure so the fighting over these sort of dim hooks

is basically grenades punching each other it's like hand to hand bayonets at night remember as well at night bayonet over lesbian terrain is grim, right?

Punching each other. Yeah. So... Yeah, it's very close quarters. And like the Brits are all elite forces like Marines, commanders. The Argentines are just some like

sloppy gauchos who fucking walked into the wrong door. Basically. They're not trained. Yeah, they've not got... They didn't think Britain would have come at all.

No. And they're not prepared for winter. They've got no like... And are we livid? What's the vibe of our... No, we're fired up, I think. We love it. I don't we like...

Are we fucking... To be honest, I think... Brit's a bit grateful. Thank fuck. You fucked around. Now you're going to find out. Thank you. You're going to find out.

Finally, we've got a reason to be British again. So it's like righteous rage. Yeah. Finally, my life makes sense. Finally, my temperament and mood makes sense. This is the only place where the way I am all the time makes sense. Finally, I can be British again.

You know, apparently I've ruined every Christmas. Not here. Not here. I've saved Christmas. Are you tired of starting your day with point of, political arguments, superficial summaries and lukewarm hot takes on the radio. Then switch to the bunker where we look at the news without the nonsense. Every weekday morning, the bunker brings you a brand new, in-depth look at just one story.

From the chaos in Washington to the seismic political shifts in the UK to business, economics, history and pop culture. Or start your week, our essential Monday morning roundup of the week's upcoming stories. We cut through the noise to bring you what matters. That's the bunker. Without the Nonsense, every weekday with me, Andrew Harrison, Ross Taylor, Jacob Jarvis, Gavin Esler, Zing, and me, Seth Treble. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. So the Battle of Mount Harrier is on the 11th, 12th June, 1982,

and this was led by the 42 Commander Royal Marines. Again, they planned to attack from the East, which is not what the Argentines expected. I would do that as well. I'd find out where they expect you to attack. Yeah, I'd go the other way. So it starts with a heavy naval bombardment. Obviously, the positions are all mined as well, so you have to walk through that.

And essentially, every battle on a mountain descends into hiding behind boulders, like clear, like going up the mountain, getting to the top of the mountain. It's all at night, right? It's all at night, because as soon as the sun comes up, the Argentines can fly. None of the Argentine missiles have night capability.

Right. So they have to do everything at night. it's very slow progress the Argentines are dug in they've got machine guns and snipers but eventually the British capture Mount Harriet they then push onto Goat Ridge great names and this gives

British control of the ground overlooking Stanley two Marines are killed 30 are wounded four crew are killed earlier in a friendly fire helicopter shoot down 18 Argentines die 300 are captured Mount Tumbledown

now I watched a video of a guy talking about Mount Tumbledown It's very, very British, very 1980s, no hint of mental health vocabulary. Yeah, go on. Very, just like, well, the noise of someone getting shot is quite, you know, you don't have to have heard it before to know exactly what happens. There's a crack through the air. And then a sort of squelchy sound.

And, yeah, it's pretty horrible, actually. And especially when it's your friend. And he's just sort of, he's gently kind of sweating. And he's just, there's no hint of like, I watched, um, Imperial, Imperial War Museum video and they were talking about how mental health wasn't a thing

in the 80s obviously so a lot of British soldiers killed themselves in the 90s and that's when they had a big poppy campaign to talk about veterans right Prince Andrew mental health campaign still hasn't

I mean clearly we're not doing enough because he is still vilified and he flew PTSD now of course he had to go to an island Pino dramatic stress disorder yeah he had to go to an island

to get some nice memories exactly because all the horrible memories he had on that awful island. There's an awful island, so he went to a sunny island and had a great time. Yeah. Yeah, he went on holiday. Everyone needs a break.

Everyone needs a holiday. Yeah. Mount Longdon is also one of the bloodiest engagements of the war. Longdon is where there are accusations of atrocities. So in 1991, a memoir by Lance Corporal Vincent Bramley from the Paris claimed that after the position was taken, wounded and captured Argentines were bayoneted and shot. Some people walked to open graves and then shot prison of war. And then there are also suggestions that British soldiers

would cut off people's ears and take them as trophies. Yeah. But that happens in every war ever. That's what Sambrick said is like, oh, a load of bollocks. Yeah. That's always, yeah, it's war. It's war. Go on, of course.

Would you try and stop, if you were, like, in front of your open grave, would you try and stop them from shooting you? No, me, I'd bend over and go. But would you say, would you be like, please not. What do you mean? But please don't fucking shoot me. It's war. Please don't fucking shoot me.

Yeah, I probably would be. You're winning anyway. Would I beg for my life. You're winning anyway, as you'd say. You're winning any of, I'll do anything. No, because what you do... Don't shoot me, I'll suck you off. Is that what you'd say?

What you'd do, Charlie, is you'd beg for your life like a coward, whereas I'd be like, I'll be really aloof. Because you've got to go out like... Yeah, yeah, this is going to help, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be the opposite of the life. Boring! Boring!

Come on, get on with it on. Yeah. I'll be like, I'll do anything. I'll be your fucking, I'll be your slave. Be a slave for a day. I'll do a dare. I'll do, I'll do a dare. I'll be your toy, basically.

I'll do a dare. Truth or dare. Kill me or dare. Kill me or dare. But they can have a lot of fun with me. Well, yeah. I'd owe them a lot if they spared me. So there was an inquiry after this into whether there'd been atrocities

and the Metropolitan Police interview 130 former paratroopers and Argentine veterans and the inquiries says in the end that, quote, some were mutilated in their ears taking to souvenirs because several ears were later found

in the kit bag of a dead British soldier. But they're already dead, I guess. They're insufficient evidence to secure conviction and no one was charged in the end. I mean, if you're a British soldier and you've got a kit bag with some dead ears, I mean, that is a bit, you know. But I mean, is this sort of like in, you know, in the prem?

Who are you showing that off to? Hey, love, look at this. It's a contact sport. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah, I know. Like when people get tackled to the prem and it's like, guys, it's a contact sport. It's a contact sport, ref.

But it's a bit like a trophy. Straight up. Oh, look at this. Just in my box of ears. Have a look at this duffel bag full of Argentine ears. weird isn't it use them as trophies on the sports day

yeah I guess you could like go out like with loads of ears on you and freak everyone I don't think you could definitely freak everyone out I don't think he's wearing all the ears

but he's walked around the street with like like like eight ears on you what and people think like oh someone he's served and we salute him are those Argentine ears

wow yeah I don't really get no you don't even say the Falcons thing you just like this guy's fucking and pretend you can hear really well I think he's just collecting ears right off the people he's shot

but so the general gist is that they take all these mountains I was going to say I did leave that one Max say general gist is leaving the charge they take all the mountains yeah

and by the 14th of June the Argentine commander general Mario Menendez he accepts that further resistance is completely pointless I mean their generals good Mario yeah

it's not oh my God it's fucking Mario like it's not Colonel Yoshi. Quivering his boots. They formally surrendered to British commander Major General Jeremy Moore on the 14th of June

1982 in Stanley. I mean, that guy reads the Telegraph. There's also a story about Max Hastings, the telegraph. Well, this is how he made his name. Yeah. He was one of the only journalists allowed on the British forces.

There's been a battle at, it's either Tumbledown or Longdon one of the last ones. And then they win. And then he just goes, before the British do, he goes, fuck it, I'm going to go in Stanley with a big white flag.

Yeah. And he walks around. And he thinks he's going to get stopped. Yeah. But at every checkpoint, he's like, can I keep going? The Argentinians are waiting to surrender. Yeah. They're like, are we, can we surrender?

Oh, right, no. So then he just walks straight into the Argentinian fucking high command, basically. That says, are you guys ready to surrender? It's like, yeah, if you guys are going to accept it. And then when the British, when... Do you want a drink? Yeah.

When the British walk in, they raised the union jacket over government house, and then elderly island farm worker John Shirley sees the British War correspondent and says are you a reporter? Did Leeds United get relegated? Because I don't know what the civilians are doing during this time. Yeah. Like there's a, what is it? Basically

three weeks of land war essentially? Something like that? Two weeks? And the civilians are just kind of going do, do, do, like, I think three civilians die in the conflict. They're still at school. The schools are still open? Or is this just letters that like eight-year-olds had written about the time under Argentina occupation? Right. But this could have been before the Brits had landed when the Argentinians were there.

The yoke of Argentine occupation. So there's like kids' drawings from at the Imperial War Museum of Falklands under Argentinian occupation, basically. So British troop post a sign near government house that reads, keep off the grass. Doesn't that pump you up? Come on. Come on. Might as well start playing cricket out there. Now, at the end of it, 649 Argentinians are dead.

Half of that was the Belgrano sinking. 255 British Brits are dead and three Falkland Islanders are killed that was a result of one British shell dropping short from a sea battle and just bombing a house we should do a sound scape

of the final fight because Charlie's been doing his impression of a Falkland Islander which was a West Country Australian South African Get out of my fucking house now right now And then I'll be the Argentinians

and you be the Brits Come on then chaps Fuck off You fucking wring on in chaps You fucking... One more man. Anderley, under it. Enderley.

Give the argy's hell. Fuck off. Oh my God. The island has seemed a bit... A bit frisky. What are you wearing? Take it off. Take it off now.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? Take it off now. Are you raping? Are you raping? Take it off. I like it. Sorry, Charlie.

I like it to when you squirt. You fucking pro. Charlie. Charlie, we're going to have to cut all of this. Charlie. You can't rape. You can't rape, then. I don't think in any of the foreclinal

rapes. That's not the sound skate we're trying to make. Take it off. Take it off. The whole point is about the British assault on Argentinian positions and you're an occupied force. It's not you taking advantage of the situation to start raping and turn Argentinian. Please take it off.

The British have liberated the Falkland Islands. And you're now insinuating that Falkland Islanders use this to sexually assault the Argentinian troops. Right. That doesn't happen. Anyway, so victory in the Falklands transforms Thatcher. It is the most, for all the history that happens in her time in charge. It's a high point. This is the one thing that had it not

happened. Yeah. We wouldn't, she wouldn't have won the second term probably. So what's interesting is if you think that Thatcher's policies destroyed Britain, arguably the Falklands destroyed Britain. Yes. Because even though it was seen as a great victory, arguably that the real legacy of the Falklands is all of Thatcher's policies basically But not only does it secure her re-election

So the way the Argentinians could have won If you're of that persuasion Yeah Argentine we're playing 4D chess You know Oh right Yeah if you think Thatcher ruined the country They were trying to de-industrialise

Britain basically Yeah the real enemy is still the Argentine But then you end up agreeing with that Yeah it's a weird horses It's a strange one Not only does it secure her re-election I mean, now, Sambrook contests that.

He thinks that the economy was starting to recover. Just before. Yeah, and also he thinks that Labor was so unelectable, which they were. And the people, this is the time of where the Liberal SDP alliance were doing well, but he says that they're a third party and they never do well. And that often happened, but it's a sort of a protest thing. It never amounts anything in the election. But even if it doesn't secure her re-election, well, it makes her, and we'll see this later with Blair,

it makes her think she's always right. Yeah. Which she already sort of thought anyway. She was pretty forthright as it were. But this makes her think, I am right. I'm always right. I'm the light. I'm the virtuous one.

Yeah. My decisions are correct. Everyone said, don't go to war. I went to war. I didn't back down. And so she... It just is a very validating war. The whole thing just validates.

I found that really validating. It was really validating. It was really validating. I don't know what I got out of it, but I just... Yeah, it's a validation, I guess. You know, made me feel like official. I had imposter syndrome before I defeated the Falklands.

Yeah. So it transforms her from an embattled PM that was tanking the economy willingly to Churchill, to drag Churchill. She says, after the war, after victory, we have ceased to be a nation in retreat. We have instead a newfound confidence born in the economic battles at home and tested and found true 8,000 miles away. Britain is not just another country. it has never been just another country it was Britain that stood when everyone else surrendered

so basically she's she's echoing Dunkirk and the and the Battle of Britain and the finest hour she's saying that you know it's a reprise of that and it does work in the Falklands but I guess her approach she did that approach to the IRA just letting everyone starve

out the miners she's treating like minors basically as if they're Argentinians they're the IRA they're Argentinians they're terrorists yeah yeah now The other thing is that she, there's then a victory parade in London. Yeah. And Thatcher doesn't, normally the queen or the royalty would like take, would like salute the troops. Right.

But That's a go in against protocol. That's never normally done. But she basically makes herself out to be a royal. And this is where she starts using the, to play the role. She starts using the term the royal we. She starts going, we must do this. Right. We must do that.

And the queen didn't like Thatcher personally. No. No. a relationship between the queen and her promise to work better when it's a bloke. Yeah. Because it's kind of easier to do deference. Where's the bloke, love? That's what Queen's saying.

Where's the bloke? Where's the bloke? Where's the bloke? But she probably felt a bit, had a nose power joining a bit by Thatcher. Well, because I'm the bitch in the house here. Yeah. Who's the fuck are you? I'm king bitch.

Who are you? There's only one grower in this fucking palace, babe. Yeah. Now, there's also the image of Thatcher, which you're going to have to get up in the tank with the goggles, which is, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Thatcher in a tank and a fucking headscarf and ski goggles on. The Iron Lady, the king bitch. Fuck off Argentina. Do you know what I mean? It pumps you up, all in white. I mean, that looks hard as fuck. Doesn't it look? I mean, that's an album cover.

That's a fucking, that's her in her wedding day. Come down the aisle in a fucking chairman tank. What's the context here? I think that's, she goes to the Falklands of a couple of months after. She's going to the office She's going for a pint of milk after To the Falklands Do you think Dennis has got like some mad rock on

For the whole of this thing Is he like, I mean your wife is never You know how they say Your wife is never more attractive Than when she becomes a mother Or when she's standing in a tank And your wife is never more attractive Than when she is defeated the Argentine single-handedly

It's prowling through the Falklands A tank A certain kind of man will be into it Is he a bit of an ick Straight man? Yeah Well I don't know Is he submissive to your man

Do you imagine he's submissive or what's the deal? Dennis? Yeah. Not a very submissive bloke. No. Sexually, maybe he is like a freak. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She's going to shove that tank tower up his ass. Yeah. Peg him with a shirley. So when the war is over, Rex Hunt, the governor who had got his ostrich feather out, he flies back to the government house and complains that the Argentinians had drunk all his wine. Yeah. An Argentine commander had left behind some scented pink lip balm and a pair of pajamas. That's lovely.

In Argentina, the hunter is. Completely discredited. And massive protest start. The regime loses any authority it had left. Because they've staked it all on the Malvina. They fucked it. And then I think the next year, there's democracy returns to Argentina. And there is still to this day a garrison and an air base at Mount Pleasant.

Yeah. Because it's still... Just in case. They're still after it. Yeah, they're still... I mean, messy, an Argentina friendly. including Messi they all held a sign

saying give us back the Melvinas so Messi's very pro taking about the Falklands well fuck Messi I mean I would be if I was Argentine

I'd be like what the fuck this is bollocks no but it was never there it was like them it was like this is mine no it's not

no it's not yes it is no it's not the Isle of Man we've had that and it's been popular by British people for fucking

700 years 800 years The Falklands is fucking miles away yeah but they never had any fucking Argentinians on there and the main thing

to be honest what makes it a kind of guilt-free war yeah it doesn't have a racial element to it it's not against indigenous people the Argentinians cannot claim that it's like a colonial enterprise because the whole of Argentina is a colonial

enterprise yeah they're all Spaniards yeah but I just think it's about what are you doing down there yeah what you go home then no but it's like what's close you know it's nearby I don't know that's how necessarily it always works I'm yeah Israel and Gaza's nearby

isn't it? Yeah yeah so what's your what's your logic there Well, one's one's one thing, one's the other. There you go. Falklands is Britain. Falklands is in the middle of nowhere. Also, why do they need the Falklands? Yeah, they've got enough room.

And to be honest, we're tiny. We don't even really want the Falklands, but you can't take it from us because if we lose it, then it's symbolic. It's like when we fucking nearly lost the Chagos Islands. That's fucking piss me off. Fucking Starmus telling us out. Selling out the Chagosians as well. The Chagosian people need their island and we need to be attached to them.

We need to protect the Chagosians. I could not tell you where the Chagosians. Shagos Islands are on a map, but I don't need to. I know there are. Do you know where Chagosians there are? I think there's where Yorkshire is, roughly. Roughly, barely. I think it's near the Chagos Islands. I don't know where the Chagos Islands are. Do you think they'll eventually get the Falklands back then? Will it just eventually happen? Nah. What will happen is if they do it again, we will nook Peru. We'll look Peru. Straight off the bat this time. Things will go really hairy. If we're Newk Peru, straight off the back this time. It's what we should have done, actually. Could have saved a lot of lives.

It saved a lot of lives. Said a lot of British lives. Anyway, the Falklands is back in British hands. Rejoice. That's the other thing. At one point, that just says that. I think when, I don't know when at one point, it's before they actually win it, the Falklands back, but someone asks her,

what do you think about this? And she just goes, rejoice, rejoice. Like, just throwing the press cord and rejoice, like as an order. Yeah. Yeah, also demanding us to. Demanding her to rejoice. But I think sometimes Brits want a bit of that.

Yeah. I think so. I think we've been through such a technocratic phase. of politicians are like, well, you know, well, you know, both people have good points. Sometimes you want to be told what to do. You want to be a spank on the bottom. But you want to spank on the bottom, Charlie.

Yeah. I think that's built in you is that that's where the desire for fascism comes from is sometimes you enjoy being spanked on the body. But I imagine. But it's not going to happen, is it? Imagine if, not going to happen. Saying that like he's pissed off. Yeah.

But good things never fucking happened. Yeah. Getting me all horned up and it's not even going to happen. So, imagine if like the Argy's invaded during like Harold Wilson's time, second term, you know? It'd be like, well, Well, there's, there's room my ass off for another dildo.

Get pagan, lads. Might as well, join the queue. I'm already getting impegged to shit by a strong woman. For fuck it. You know, imagine if it was Heath. Heath wouldn't have done, Heath wouldn't have done it before.

Yeah, Heath would have tried to get around the table. Get around the table, you know? Who are the people who would probably defend the Falklands? It would be Churchill, Blair and Thatcher, right? Yeah, I reckon. Blair would negotiate.

Nah, Blair would get in there. Yeah. Blair would come out with like they get half the, they get West Falklands. Yeah, fine. Yeah, he'd do some sort of agreement. Good Friday agreement.

Yeah. What's, um, the Buenos, the Buenos, the Buenos, what's Friday in Spanish? I hope Johnson would have put, put lots into getting it, but would have fucked it up. Johnson would have nuk Peru. But you know what? It's comforting that no one knows what Friday in Spanish is, because it just proves that we won that war. Yeah, I mean, to be honest, we'd be speaking Spanish if it wasn't for us. Those sheep farmers, like, thousand miles away, we'd been speaking fucking Spanish. But our boys, our boys show them a lesson. So this is her crowning achievement, and we will.

in the coming episodes talk about the rest of her policies. And much fruitier stuff than I actually even remembered on a foreign policy side. Oh, yeah. Because I know a lot about her domestic stuff, which is very controversial. But yeah, I didn't know how naughty she was

foreign policy-wise. Yeah, the Thatcher is made in the Falklands. The Iron Lady is cast in the furnace of the Falklands and she will go on to treat every domestic issue as if it's another Argentine invitation. This has been the

Falklands War. Our series continues with Mummy Thatcher's domestic policies and the rest of her tenure. If you would like access to those episodes now they're already on the Patreon. Where for three pounds a month, you can also join a virulent squad of

anti-Argentine people. No Argentinians are allowed in our patron. That's one of the rules because we're still sore about the Falklands. Well, you should be with the patron it's like sinking the Belgrano. Thatcher being asked to sink the Belgrano. Yeah. Now, immediately. Join.

Yeah. Join. Now. All the episodes, now. Is this stuff technically a war crime? Don't think now. Now. Join. Some of the episodes are. But if not, we'll see you next time for Thatcher's second term.

Goodbye. God save the queen. We're going to be able to be.