Fin vs History - A Fritzlian Slip | Mozart: The Great Composers (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

Amadeus Mozart: The child genius, responsible for the some of the greatest music humanity ever produced, as well as what can only be described as an ode to rimming. He was Austrian, after all.   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters; 00:00 Fruity wigs 06:21 Ass and titties08:48 He/Hyms12:45 Tiger mum 16:52 Austria-Netherlands 20:02 Mozart on Tour 25:39 Castrati 30:49 Mozart goes freelance 34:41 Scatology 40:03 Symphony No. 4041:55 The Requiem 48:02 Freud again Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Truthers, my 2026 stand-up tour is now on sale. Oh my fucking God. The preemptive comeback special. I'm coming to Guilford, Manchester, Nottingham, Bristol, Oxford, Birmingham, Redding, Ipswich, South End, London, the Hammersford, Apollo, Cambridge, the Hamasford, Apollo, Dublin, Belfast, Cork. There's so many tickets left in Cork. Liverpool, York, Leeds, Newcastle. Islands are tough sell. I've said a lot of things.

I've made my bed, and they've booked a big theatre in Cork. Well, guys, if you have your problems with Finn, come out and send him directly to his face. Let's sell some tickets. Let's air them in the marketplace of ideas, which I must stress does not include bombs. Please. These are the comedic ideas.

And also, if you can't make it, don't call ahead. It's terrifying. No, I don't think the southern call ahead. Northampton, Hull, Cruz, Salampton, Cardiff, Fokston, Yovil. Now, some of these dates are already pretty much sold out. We are adding more dates all the time. go to Thintailorcomedy.comi.comi.comi or the link of my bio

live nation website. What did BB, my girlfriend, say to you about your tour poster? Your girlfriend said, she comes to me, said, the new tour post is so funny, Finn. I love it. Thanks very much. She went, yeah, the fat Elvis thing is so funny. And I was like, I was like, it's not fat. What do you mean, it's just Elvis?

Oh, right. She was like, oh, of course, sorry. I thought you AI'd yourself to be fatter. And I was like, no, I felt really good wearing it. I was actually thinking I might wear out on stage. I felt really good. It's like, Philvers. She's like, no, you're right.

No, it's for Elvis. Yeah, no, she completely, completely castle me. Anyway, Fat Elvis live on stage. Tickets here. We are adding dates all the time, so just check my Instagram page or whatever. Oh! Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. And today we're talking about Mozart. This is the great composers week. Classical music. We are in Austria. Is this when

doing this sort of stuff wasn't considered fruity? Classical music? Yeah, or has it always been considered fruity. I think it's just fruinesses was considered greater back in the day. Oh, right. Yeah, there was a great respect for fruiness. This is the, well, we're in the 18th century. This is the fruit century. I mean, the style is maybe. be the worst style for me, the drip. Yeah, I think the white wigs, I don't know, obviously it's easy to judge trends. Yeah. You know, with hindsight. But I feel like I'd be looking back at old pictures of me in my 20s. I was fucking wearing a white wig. I'm pretending to be an old lady. You know, in the way that you like, maybe look when you have like baggy trousers. Yes. And it's

like, fuck, what was I doing that? It's so embarrassing. With my Hawaiian shirts and my bell-long shorts thinking, God, I had pretty. I thought I was in an Elvis film. I was 10. What was I doing? We're in the Kanye West those glasses, you know, those ones? Yeah. I was wearing that school disc,

ah, you know. And a massive, massive quiff, like slick, but, just cringing. This is 18th century Austria,

white women, white men are black women, they're wearing wigs, they're powdering their face. But I can get, some wigs are cool, but like old, bad hair.

Yeah. Like, you're using a wig to make yourself have worse hair than you already have. But everyone also has the same wig. Yeah.

They all, like, and you could be like a 19-year-old in a white wig. It's crazy. Everyone's got white hair. We're also in Austria, which, I mean, this is where Austria is the cultural capital of the world. It's another, the past is another country. It's true. What am I meant to think, Austria, the country of Hitler, Fritzel, Schwarzenegger, Mozart,

Freud, Freud, Baumgartner. Help me out. What do you want me to do? Yeah, make this make sense. Who am I? Who are you? What do you? What do you want me? to do when I come into the country? Yeah. Drummer to Zieg Heil. Draw me to sing. I'll do it.

Kissed mommy on the lips. I'm meant to fuck my mouth. What am I meant to do? I meant to build a basement. Help me out, Austria. But this is, this was, I mean, some people.

Fritzel. Fritzel and Freud. I've never made that link. Oh, well, you think there's a, what, like you have a Freudian slip. You think he had a fritzel slip. I built up. Oh, no.

I meant to build up and I built down. I guess, and I fuck my sit, my daughter. I feel like the Fritzel's basement. It's sort of symbolic of maybe a slight, desire to maybe have sex with your family if you read into it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You have to really read into what he did.

If you read into it, I think that actually internally implies a desire. But you can overanalyze these things. Yeah, it's true. I'm probably reading into it. Yeah. No.

But this is probably evil. No. No. Does he? It looks like a lovely old man. This is a normal Austrian. That's an Austrian grandpa. We're in the pomp of Austria.

Yeah. The Hape, the Hape, the Hape, the Hafto, The Habsburgs, the Inbred Empire. 18th century. Now, our listeners do not listen to classical music. They listen to thrash metal. Yeah.

They listen to... Fuck him on repeat. Right, yeah. This series are talking about Mozart and Beethoven. Their equivalents will be Marilyn Manson. Sure. They don't have any cultural touchstones here. No.

They're completely... The classical period for them is the early 2000s. Yeah. Blink 182. Where are you? That's their... And they're like, fucking out boring playing classical music. That's their symphony.

Do you mean this is the best sort of music to murder someone to? Yeah, there's definitely. depends which type of me. We were saying before, classical music is brilliant because you put it on your and your headphones and you leave and it's like you're in a film. And you could be doing anything and it makes it seem important

or like grand... Pooing? You could be pooing. Thank you for raising that so gently. Pooing? You could be pooing and listening to... And it'll make it feel like you're important and you're creating great art.

You could be beating your meat hoven. Yes. You could be beaten meathoven. Yeah, it's in there. Yeah, somewhere. Bamfug. Beating your meat oven. Yeah, I've been banging a lot of Beethoven and Motz up for this series.

Oh, that's great stuff. It's just, yeah, you're waiting for the tube. It's raining. Everyone's ugly. Yeah. And it fits somehow. It fits, you know. But I do think it was, we were talking about, I think lyrics have made music worse.

Okay. This music is so it can, it's, you can read anything into. Right. We've got DJ Ass, ass and Tiddies. Is this your favorite song, Charles, is it? well what's the lyrics I mean I guess but you didn't this

is what if he's saying are you saying it's because of lyrics do you think this is the lyrics that would have been to the songs stop stop it stop it stop it stop and just get the lyrics up of Arsendiz's please what I will say is that I think just do the lyrics

I think there have been so many lyrics now that obviously DJ's soul is really scraping the barrel or because Mozart and I mean Beethoven he did have some choral yes like O to Joy but he's

taking a poem there. I think if they wrote their own lyrics, it could easily have been like this. They never had to write their own lyrics. You know, Mozart wasn't a great lyricist. It would necessarily. We don't know. But also, Beethoven was an incredible. We'll get to him next episode, but he was a very, very horny man, Beethoven. So if you put lyrics on top of his music, it probably would just be, take off your pants. Take off your pants. Take off your pants. Let's do it. So big booty bitches, please. Hoss titties Hoss and titties

Us, hoss titties Titties Hoss and titties Us and titties Us and tities Us and titties Big booty bitches That's wearing guess

We get the idea So that's that's Mote's That's Handels That's DJ Assault's Messiah Yeah Is he classical or romantic DJ Assault He's romantic as far.

He's horny. Art and Tissies, I think it's clearly. Yeah, he's horny. We're now in the horny age, I think. I think that's the fourth period. Yeah, he's a bridge between the romantic and the horny age. Yes, in the way the Beethoven Bridge classical romantic, DJ Assault has taken us from the romantic age to the horny age.

We're out of pussy. What other songs is DJ Solter? Nipples and Clits is my favourite. Anyway, so we don't need to listen to nipples and clits. I get a feeling. I have a feeling I get the idea of what nipples and clips will be. Right, we don't need to. Nipples and with us.

It's like fish and chips. Lyrics. Yeah. We don't need to get... How does it go? Nipples and clit. I can imagine... Nipples, nipples.

Is this on the... Nipples, nipples, nipples, nipples. Big titties, I'm a lick on a nipples. Is this the same... Took your bitch and put my dick on nipples. This is the same album. This is one of his earlier words. This is a beast...

Oh, right. So we really sold out with our... Nipples and clits is early stuff. Right. Okay. Well, we can park DJ Assault for now. This is the long road to DJ Assaults, Nipples and clits.

Fuck your bitches and put my dick on her. All right. Thank you, Charlie. Today we're discussing Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who was born in Salzburg on January 1756. Wolfgang Amhermos.

So to place this for our listeners, this is after the kind of musically, we're post green sleeves. Yes. Which is kind of all music was, I guess, for about 500 years. Pre Bach. Yeah.

It was green sleeves. And it was kind of religious choral stuff, right? Yeah. And now it's kind of getting into So it's pre, it's post green sleeves, it's pre Blink 182. Where are you?

Right, that's lovely place. Yeah, so that's where we are. That's what Mozart is the bridge between green sleeves and blink 182. Mozart's pair,

Mozart is the, is sort of the first ever prodigy. The most famous prodigy, the definition of a prodigy sort of, it's like an Austrian stevie wonder. Yeah.

Stefan Wunderbar. Yes. Yeah. Michael Jordan, sort of. Now his dad is a sort of, is a skilled violinist. He's a composer.

And he's a, He's a deputy conductor at the Salzburg court. Now, this is an era where musicians were essentially salaried. Right. And over the course of this series, what we'll see is musicians sort of transition. Right. Not in the way they do nowadays. They used to sing hymns.

They now sing they thems. Yep. That's good. But they used to sing he hymns. Nearly. Nearly got it. But what we'll see is that they'll transition from salaries as of employees, like chefs.

Yeah. to troubled artists, respected. The most respected people in society in a way. Yeah. So, I mean, this has happened in most art, is that it used to be down with the prostitutes, bottom of the pile. Yeah.

Literally just jesters making the wealthy dance and now they're the most respected. Yes. I think it's disgrace. But now, like, you know... Rich people who don't work should be the most respected. Rich people who are born into it and have never done a day's work in their life.

I think that... I wish you go back to that. His mother Anna Maria is a well-liked woman from Salzburg, if you can imagine such a thing. Now, why is Austria such a cultural hub at this point? It's because they have a massive empire, but it's all landlocked and they're not getting involved overseas. No.

The Brits are bothering. So they've turned inward. They've turned inward. Melancholy. They've built a basement and they're fucking their own. It's what Austria does. Yes. It's the Fritzel complex.

Yes. They've had a Fritzilian slip and they fuck their daughter in a basement that they've built. It could happen to the best of us. Happens to any of us. It did. It happened to the best of us. I meant to call my,

I meant to say teacher, And instead of calling my teacher mummy, I've accidentally built a basement and I fuck my daughter in it. Over 25 years. Over 25 years. Huge structural infrastructure project. And I fuck my daughter and I've got a granddaughter daughter now. Anyway, it's a little Fritzillion slip. Now Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is one of seven, but only he and his sister, Nan'ul.

Nan'ul survive infancy. Because at this point, kids are... Can she be fit if she's called Nan'Ole? Can she be fit? Nan'arol. No. Let's have a gander at Nan Earl Mozart It's not like, oh my God

Nan Earl Um Not bad I mean of course You brought your dick in her nipples You put your dick on her nipples Yes but that doesn't You put your dick on her nipples

What is that saying? Like the dog see the rabbit Put your dick in the nipples Nan-ar Not quite as poetic She looks like Marge Simpson with grey hair Yeah I mean again

The worst lids The bonsers at this point Are not good But if you sent Lisa Anne back to that time Would everyone just be like No, no. Or would they be like, you're, you're Fugly? I think, I think they'd say you're Fugly.

Really? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Because I mean that it didn't fit the, the time. But can you imagine that people have come to see Mozart do an opera and instead they see Lisa Rann conducting ass and titties in the opera house? She's conducting. Yeah. With what?

Her tits. With her ass. Ass and titties. And then she does her ass as well. She could have two orchestras. Yeah. She's twerking, one, that could be the sort of like, I don't know, The kettle drums.

When you're flying Emirates business class, sipping your favorite cocktail at our onboard lounge, you'll see that your vacation isn't really over until your flight is over. Fly Emirates, fly better. But Leopold is like the original tiger mum. Sorry, I bet there's going to be a play called Nan Arrell about how the real Mozart was Nan Aral,

but it was sexism that stopped. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and we can't enjoy Mozart's music. It's actually, yeah. Structly impressive. She was actually better than him. And it's probably Picasso's fault as well, is it? Yeah, it probably is.

Probably. Oh, are we all pedos now? Is that what you take away? Yeah, that's what? That's what I. You're looking at Gernica. Oh, so I'm a pido as well, am I? Oh, am I? Right, okay, then.

Is that what you're telling me? Fair enough. Fine. No, we didn't know not say that. Fine. No. Well, if that's what you're saying, I might as well be one. Lock me up.

Guilty. Who am I here to me? Who am I here to meet? Carpath. That would be very funny. To go to an Azte Carpot going, Who am I here to meet then? Come on.

Come on, then. Who is it? Which one of you am I here to meet? I'm here to meet someone. I'm going away for a long time. Self-identifying fetid on an Azte-carbord. But it's sort of split personality because you're half-pedo hunter, half-pedo.

Like severance? Yeah. Half vigilante. I'm going away for a long, long time. doctors are like, this is an extraordinary case of schizophrenic. I've never seen split personality like this. Boardline Pido disorder. This is incredible.

Half of him is a Pido vigilante and the other half is a Pido. He's in a car park arresting himself. Snake eat his tail. Pito eating his tail. Come on then. I didn't know. I thought she was 18.

I'm not buying it, lad. Well, anyway, Mozart. Yeah, so Leopold, his dad, he's like a dad shouting on the sidelines of a football game. Maybe the ultimate dad shouting on the sidelines. He's like a tiger mother. sort of... But he's on the sidelines

of an orchestra practice guy come on! Oh, fuck! Sigmadier Madias! Fuck! So he saw Wolfgang's talents

as a divine gift to be used for the family's advancement. He said, quote, A miracle which God let be born in Salzburg. That's what I call

Joseph Fritzel. Now, Mozart, I mean, he's such a fucking boff. Right. Age three, he's playing the harpsichord. He's composing by five.

A freak. Complete freak. In China, they would have chucked him down the stairs. Yes. Anyway, he begins

playing the harp scored at three. Age six, he writes a concerto movement that is so difficult his father doubts that anyone could play it

until he sees his six-year-old son, his son sit down and play it. I mean, he's screaming to be wedged at school,

isn't it? This guy needed to be wedges. He's yelling it from the rooftops. Please wedge me. He also, he writes this

thing that had been like a carefully guarded secret in the Vatican, this piece called Allegri Miserie. He hears it twice and then transcribes the entire piece from memory age 14 which effectively ends the Vatican's control over the work

so I mean he's just a sort of insane genius Yeah, annoying little fucker I mean imagine going to school with this cunt Yeah. Did you play the instruments at school? Yes, piano. Piano. Yeah. And you good? No. No. I did try quite hard But I played double bass And yes I did spin it and it was cool

I'd spun it at the concert But you were sort of whining ponder double bass I was standing up, yeah, I had a little stool. But were you like, I'm in love with the shape of you? No, I wasn't. But I was going after women that were shaped like double bass. The perfect shape. Were you trying to spin them?

I was spinning, yeah. I was, I would spin the double base and it spike at the end. What does double base sound like? It's like a deep cello. All right, right. It looked like I was playing a cello, but I was just so big compared to the double bass that proportionally it sort of worked. Yeah, I had to lug it around. We had to get in a state car so I could drive, you know,

It's a fucking nightmare. But, no, I played, I played it all bass. What made you pick the double bass? I think I was, just,

I was massive and someone had to pick it. Right, right. Someone had to do it. So it's like playing in goal. I have to see, my fingers would do fat, just would do cello. Yeah,

I was the orchestra, I was playing a goal of the orchestra. That's what it was. But yeah, I would sort of be wearing Elvis Hawaiian shirt, spinning the bass. Right, right. Right.

A lot going on. There's a lot going on. It's a lot going on. It's mince pie era, you know, wasn't happy. Now, Mozart was also an ill child.

Yes. Everyone in this story seems to be ill. Everyone's fucked. It seems like, yeah. It's not a healthy time. 18th century Austria is not a healthy time. It's not a health kick. It's not a human.

No. Huberman's not about at this point. After performing at Schoenabrum in October 1762, he falls ill with scarlet fever. It's funny. They seem to have no theory just to why people are getting ill. That seems to be a thing. Well, this is around the time of Captain Cook getting everyone to eat kimchi. Yes.

Isn't it? Yeah. Was it kimchi? It was not kimchi. It wasn't famously. It wasn't kimchi. Sorry. So the early illness has foreshadowed a lifetime of precarious health.

They go on this massive tour and he doesn't grow at all for the three and a half years that they're on tour. He's like messy. So he ends up being five foot three. Yeah, he is messy. He's in Messina. Now they're on this grand tour between while he's between five and six. I mean, my daughter is four. What's got?

What's got sort of skills she shows? She can put, she started putting stickers on the TV. And I can't get them off. So now we're trying to watch a P. Diddy documentary and there's a fucking pepper pig sticker over his face. I don't know if you can tour with that. No. No.

Well, it's vandalism, isn't it? If you're outside our house, it's illegal. I don't know if you'd get the courts of Europe coming to see that. And now these tours, the grand tours, they are designed by his dad to secure income an aristocratic favour. So in 763, they hit Munich, Stuttgart, Frankfurt. Then the Austrian Netherlands. Right.

My word, what's going on over there. I can't think At this point they control the Netherlands Austria. Bizar. The Torres

are the Austrian Netherlands. So I guess what's that the red light district but it's underground

and then you're all related to them? I think so well it's like that story of the dad in the glory hall That's exactly

what the Austrian Netherlands. Let's do that again. I went to the guy went on the stagdo to Amsterdam

and the bride sucked off her dad? She sucked off a random cock And it turned out with her dad Yeah Kind of the perfect crime though

If you It's like Is it? I think of more Perfect crimes Would be not doing that That was perfect Because

Got away with it A perfect crime Is getting away with it Yeah You got away with sucking If you didn't want to No No

Why did you put Didn't want to In air quotes I mean okay No one saw that Or heard that But he went You didn't want

To be I didn't want to suck on my dad Yeah If you did want to suck Off your dad It is the perfect crime if you did want to suck off your dad to be fair to charlotte i think the fact that she's traumatized and the marriage broke down immediately i think we can safely say that she did not want to suck off

her dad that's perfect who's dick is that then let's let's press the button and reveal oh it's dad oh ideal i was hoping for that outcome is there is there is there a button reveal at these places that's what it is that's what the story is that it's a it's a it's a it's a two-way mirror or whatever or it's like a it's black and you both press a button if you want to see was on the other side and they did it so it's like dark to the stars it's the voice is the voice yeah come in my mouth perfect crime yeah so that's the austrian netherlands yeah anyway that's dealt with done yeah so in april 1764 the final leg of the tour mozart comes to england yeah he performs for george the third this is the beginning of touring really yeah this is no one really was touring like this

before but also i think and i it's just like is it before this that he hops in the lap of the um Austrian empress is the Austrian empress and everyone's like oh my God he's broken a protocol and she finds it cute because Mozart is

throughout his personality is very like childish childish childlike and he stayed and obviously when he's a kid that's fair enough but he never grows out of it

and so he basically now like nowadays he'd be a guy that's like he'd be that guy he's a true like outside of the music he seems to be a bit of an idiot yeah he'd have ADHD

yeah definitely whee-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. He's that guy who's a bit like Charlie who you ask him to do something and he goes, yeah? He says, he speaks in orgasm noises and you're like, can you not do that? What he'd do is he'd be really brain-rotted now. Yeah. He'd be just making loads of like, just from TikTok, so just be constantly. Do you want a cup of tea, Mozart? Yeah. Yeah. He'd be that guy. Anyway, he meets Bach's son, Johann Christian Bach, who's astonished by his talent. He composes his first symphony aged eight in London.

Now, meanwhile, his dad is bedbed him with a severe throat infection, and believing he was dying, he got, didn't commit to that. Just a little subtle one. Now, believing he was dying, he wrote to his friend, quote, prepare your heart to hear one of the saddest events. So his dad's a prick as well, as we could say. He runs in the family. He comes back from London.

Now, Nanarl nearly dies. Yeah. Weeks of fever for Wolfgang. They're just always sick at this point. point. But they finally returned to Salzburg in 1766. He goes to Vienna, which is the cultural capital of the time. He gets smallpox in 67. And yet after recovering age 12 now, he receives a prestigious commission to write an opera. And he writes the feigned simpleton. We've got a feigned simpleton right here. We do. Which has performed in 1768. But rehearsals for the part. What did you

say? You just said feigned. What's feigned? Well, I mean, that's absolutely perfect. True ignorance does not know itself Yeah, but I guess you're not A feigned, he's not a feigned, he's not a feigned No, you're not pretending You're not pretending, I'm real, yeah, I'm authentic You're a feigned, feign simpleton

Now rehearsals for the feigned Symbolton fall apart Because the orchestra resent being led by a child Fair enough Which is fair enough Sorry, Greta Thumburg telling you to recycle Yeah, fuck off, love Why don't you have a kid Do you see how many fucking nappies they are

They need? Oh, are you gonna do cloth nappies Are you gonna be dipping shit stuff? cloth in a big pot on a hob, are you? I don't know. No. The listeners want to hear about Mozart. They're desperate. We are getting a few comments saying, like, maybe start the history earlier.

I'm trying. Maybe fuck off. We're also definitely fuck off. Now, in December 1769, Mozart is age 13 and his father embarks on a three and a half year tour of Italy, which is the centre of opera, which is like high art at this point. Is he posting on his Instagram, his tour date? It must be. I don't know if people are really doing anything like this.

I mean, who's the last, sort of recent young prodigy? How old was Justin Bieber when he broke through, 15, 16? Younger, maybe. He's gone a bit geyser mode now, though, Justin Bieber. Sort of, yeah, sort of. It's more just, like, traumatised celebrity. I don't know if he's geeseer. No, it's like hard, but he dresses like hard.

He's like prison break style. But for me, I don't feel he, that's not hard. It's more like, I've been through some shit. He's got those, I've been through some shit tattoos. His father and all killed a woman. Did he? Alec Baldwin? Of course.

Mozart composes seven symphonies in 1772 alone Now I feel like Charlie Could you just get a chat GPT? Let's just define For the thick fat listeners Who mainly spend their live Listen to thrash metal

And like what's that finished Death Metal band with the Oh fucking Erasmus Erasmus They listen to Erasmus a lot This What's a symphony

What's a concerto A symphony is that they get A monster munch Yeah They get a monster That is the thrash metal That's a symphony. And they're playing all at once.

You know, you're not in Ratatouille where he's having the grape and the cheese and it's like all coming together. That's what they're doing with the pickled onion monster is one note. Monster mango, mango crush, whatever. Fucking ass blast.

Ass blast. Pickle onion monster munch. Mum's saying dinner time, fuck off, mom! And it all comes together. So that's a way of understanding what a symphony is. Yeah.

Whereas a concerto would be like a lead instrument, you know, a violin concert or a cello concert or whatever. So, yeah. Symphony is for the whole orchestra. So there's no big leading instrument. No, so it's a very complex thing to wrangle all these different elements, wood, brass strings, et cetera.

It's just a big concert, in it? You just think it's a concert, Italian? Big concert. Big concert. Right. Now, he returns to Salzburg in 1773 for his teenage years. Now, they're musically fruitful, but personally restless. Right.

He composes symphony number 25 in G minor. he struggles with the constraints of Salzburg and the rigid control of his father he wants independence which is again it's not the done thing for a musician musicians at this point are just playing for the emperor you're sort of attached to a court

yeah you're like a chef who's just who's got a catering job and you want to set up your own restaurant right right now at this time we should say he was also noticing girls experiencing romantic impulses and there were people who were not doing this in the classical music world castrassi Yes. Now, these are eunuchs whose voices were preserved through pre-puberty castration.

My name is Jeff. That sort of, but that forever. Forever. Yeah. Hello. I am I'm 48 years old. Yeah. This practice begins in 16th century Italy.

Obviously, it starts in Italy. Yeah. And it produces singers with exceptionally high, powerful voices with a massive lung capacity. You're amazing. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. It's now legal. Did they speak like this the whole time then?

Yeah. Well, they're like eight-year-old guys who were like this? Yeah, yeah. Okay. They all hang out. But why do we talk low because we got balls?

What, where is what's going on? I think, I don't think it's because I think your voice drops and your, and your, and you're testosterone probably.

Right. So if you cut off one of your balls, you get a bit higher. No, that's not, it's a little bit like this. You don't, shave off a chunk.

If you lose a ball for a testicular cancer, you don't start talking like this and then you lose your other one you go all the way up like that. I wish you did. No, I don't think you do.

And similarly, if you're doing an appeal, if you add balls in, your balls for lumps, this is a serious issue. Yeah. To be taken seriously. Yeah.

Please check your balls. And if you could spare a ball, then I'm like this, actually, I sound like this, actually. I'm not right. Oh, fucking brilliant. Cheers for the bulls, love. Sort of me out.

Yeah, that's not how it works. I think the balls. Or if you have like five balls, you swing like this. You're right. Yeah, I was born with six fucking balls. so I speak like this I'm six years old

They weren't cutting men's balls off And then giving them to other people To create this greedy little You're bringing me to give me his balls No no They weren't creating really deep voices With more balls I must stress that

It'd be amazing if you could like customize it though Like a 10 ball boy Yeah You're always like You haven't on a damn anymore How old is it? How old is it? He's like five years old

Four and a half Amazing Barry White had six balls Anyway Now, surgeons would perform this secretly and fabricate stories about accidents to justify it to their parents The accidents could be like falling off a horse

Or wild pigs or geese Had attacked them and gobbled their testicles up I'm so sorry It was the wild geese You know the geese You know you try to feed the geese And they knobble your testicle I know

Sorry it was it the whale Get that goose away Get that go out Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! So let's just go through the process for our male listeners, this will be especially painful. Surgeons soaked the boys in a warm bath

to soften up their tissues. Lovely warm bath. We're enjoying it so far. Next, they knock them out with opium. Okay, still not too bad. Or strangle them until they pass out. Prefer the first one. Then the surgeons had a fork in the road.

So I'm on opium, I'm in a bath. I'm having a brilliant time. Well, I guess they had three before and you could just shove a fork in it. They cut out their testicles completely or they snip the blood vessels that supply the testes, which the testes would wither away naturally.

Right. And the physical effects of castration Is that way naturally, does that mean you have an empty ball bag? Like a kind of old grape. I think it's like dried fruit. Is it like a bag for life, an empty bag for life just flapping around down there? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Right.

If you were frustrated, right, you became unusually tall because of unfused growth plates. So I guess it means you're tall, but you looks a bit weird. Hello. Can you, yeah. You must obey me. Hello. Can you Google, can you, Charlie, can you Google? Break it up, guys.

Break it up. Don't make me come over. there can you google alessandro maresci who was the last castrarty who died in 2022 um so they they also they had smooth smooth useful faces no adam's apple no body hair uh and a tendency toward extra fat and breast development he looks like kind of he could be a lady librarian could castrati ejaculate i think you can i just think it's like well maybe not it's really high pitched yeah oh oh yeah you're more high pitch than that were able to have sex but that was because of incomplete castration.

Right. They could still experience erections and orgasms. So they could still do it all. But they couldn't

bus. Yeah. They couldn't sblood. Imagine how emotional. They couldn't chuck ropes. They weren't shooting ropes.

That final spooge must have been so emotional though. So you're saying goodbye. No, but it's pre-spluge. You've got a catch pre-spluge. They should let them have one.

No, because then if they can spooge, it's too late, you've missed the bus. Wait, what, what age are you? Miss the bus. What age are you, the spooge? What age are you sniffing? Pre-puberty, 12, 13

Okay, so you might be able to get once blue gin then Charlie, can you find some castratti music I want to hear because the good thing It sounds like, it's a nice word for a horrible thing Castrati Fucking hell

That's a bloat That's a geese It's like a child with an amazing lung capacity It's kind of amazing, isn't it? We should bring it back And it's all of it Well, do you know what the good thing was? It's like for Agua

It kept women out of music Right Chop his balls off you have a sit down love yeah we can do this we don't need you yeah yeah it's like our women's now so they don't need men because they can fucking yeah in yeah well fuck off then well we can castrati him i'm gonna cut my balls off yeah it's my girlfriend as well yeah well well what yeah no we don't need them don't need them yeah now mozart's love life he meets a woman called alieza veber oh and he tells his dad he's gonna he's gonna he's gonna be like fuck off

i'm not going to um not going to italy i'm going Paris and his dad gets all angry and then he goes to Paris with his mom and his mom as, you know, fair enough to seize Paris and just dies but this marks a huge psychological shift in him. He gets all sad Right. He's a little impish mummy's boy

Yeah. Does his music change? Because his mother had been I guess the only one that was like, you know what, you're not an annoying prick. Right. So the big moment in his life, right, is when he comes back to Salzburg after his mum's dead and the relationship with his dad is getting tense because his dad's got a big ego as well and his dad's like a failed musician

and he's living vicariously through his son but it's the first time that son's ever been able to possibly break out of the whole salary nature of music right and his dad's completely milking him for cash and he's been like linked to all the money in 1772 Archbishop Sigismund dies and I guess that was like his patron and Count Hieronymus Colorado

it comes to power and he views Mozart not as a prodigy but as like a purely an employee. And this kind of tension breaks in 1781 during a visit to Vienna where Mozart refuses the humiliation of the Archbishop

and challenges him and then resigns. And then he just fucks off back to Vienna and this is the first time that anyone ever went freelance basically. Okay. So he's the first remote worker?

Yeah. He goes, I'm going, fuck you, dad. Yeah. Fuck you, Archbishop. I'm going to support myself by teaching, composing and attracting

wealthy patrons, which is kind of the opposite of what we do. Right, so the long line to freelance. Charlie, you're a freelancer. Is he just like working for him with his, like, he's just playing piano with his fucking pants on? Yeah, I guess maybe he's not remote work. He's a freelancer. Remote worker would make no sense. He's attracting... He's just shaking the mouse.

He's just shaking the keyboard. In this day of age, you had like wealthy people would pay money, a lot of money to one person, whereas we get thick, fat, poor people to give us three pounds a month. And And there are deeply, there are patrons. So our patron is a hive mind, right?

Yes. As opposed to one rich person, it's a hive mind. It's a mass of zombies. Of cattle, essentially. Yeah. Sorry, we need to respect our patrons. Yeah. We are one hive mind.

We all think the same. For three pounds a month, you can also join our club. Yeah. And become part of the hive mind of cattle that tell their mum to fuck off. Yeah. um so he marries uh constance don't know who she is anyway marries her in 1782 that they actually they they they love each other i think okay and they and they and they he's getting a lot of um and they fuck he's getting a lot of pussy on on the way right because he's a well he's a proper

he's the first time that you know some like a famous musician who's not just a because before this they were kind of kept out of sight they were like just for the king and the nobles yeah but he's such a prodigy that he's famous he's famous and so he must be gnashing uh fat batty, right? Sorry? He must be gnashing fat batty. Now, he was charismatic, childish, and he had many traits that women found enchanting like jumping on tables and meowing at them.

I mean... No, it's a mystery. He seems like a complete... Female sexuality is a mystery. It is. I mean, the female orgasm, which I don't believe in, but supposedly they only discovered that around 1983. Yeah, I think it was in the 80s.

Before this. Thatcher's in power before women start fiddling with their bits. Disgusting Stop messing about down there Stop fiddling Stop fiddling down there What are you doing? You've got a family to raise

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19 and over. Physically President Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See golden nugget casino.com for details. Please play responsibly. He had an insanely scatological sense of humour. What does scathological actually mean? Poopi.

Really? Poopological. It seems way too, I don't noble a term for being into poo jokes. scatological. Yes. I'm a scatologist. It seems a little bit too. Yeah.

Well, yeah, Charlie is a scatologist, I'd say. Now, he wrote letters to people saying that he wished they would shit the bed. Yeah. He couldn't believe, but you think it's so funny. Because to be honest, that's what they say about fame, right? Yeah. You get frozen in the age, you become famous. Yes, Aspec.

Yeah. What's that? That's like a way of freedom stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So, and he became famous at like six years old. I guess it's like Michael Jackson. Yeah?

In a way. Justin. But you get, mentally, you get frozen. Stunted, yeah. I'm just sleeping in a bed with another, you know, it's just a sleepover. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with this.

Yeah. Michael, you built a theme park to attract boys to sleep in your bed. It is the most highly complex system of paedophilia. How could I be a peanut? I've got a pet monkey. I'm not a pet monkey. I'm not a weird. Yeah, I'm not a weird.

Yeah, I'm not a weird though. I got a fucking, yeah. He's called bubbles. Yes. Now, he wrote, let, he made lots of jokes about farts, asks as an excrement, and he even composed. a canon in 1782 called Leckmich in Arche, which literally means lick me in the arse.

Now, Charlie... Have you ever legged in my ars? This would be a good moment, I think, because now there's a big rest of history, one of their podcasts. They were at the Royal Albert Hall and they had an entire orchestra and they did episodes about Mozart and Beethoven,

as we are doing. And they would then throw to the orchestra to play the pieces of their life with the newfound context they'd learned in the episode. I mean, anything they could do, we can do better. That's what I think.

Now, we don't have the rights to the music necessarily. So what we've got is Charlie's got a keyboard. Now, Charlie, could you just play, to the best of your ability? From listen. You listen, one listen, right? A little quick listen. So it's like Mozart. Motocite would hear a song.

I only need to hear one. Okay, fine. So just play a bit of lick me humash. So it's sort of a choral ode to rimming, really. Let me hum harsh. Let me emmarsh. Okay, right. So we've got that, Charlie, that's in the head.

Okay, so this is Mozart's Lick Me Himache, as performed by producer Charlie. Lick my ass nicely, lick it nice and clean. Come on, just try it and lick, lick. Right. Thank you, Charlie. Right, that was lovely. Yeah, lovely. Well done.

So that was lick me, him. Marsh by by Mozart We will be We will be throwing back to Charlie For the most significant pieces in Mozart's life Like lick me in the ass

In English It sounds a little bit pathetic Like lick me in the ass But lick me emarsh Leck me imash It sounds commanding Well it's Austrian isn't it It's a Fritzillion slip

It makes me want to do it But this by the way In the 18th century Scatological humour Was mainstream In Germany there was a character called Hans first Which translates as Johnny Suss

sausage and he entertained the audience by pretending to eat large objects and defecating them out large and unlikely objects so like a piano and then he do a big big big poopy piano i don't know i mean we're i mean we're in a long history of scatters of humor this hot this episode has been absolute filth this is we cannot look down at this at all this is 2025's johnny sausage right that's it's funny it's funny that we're looking at mozart and we don't really have any link to mozart but johnny sausage we're like well this is this is the line where we're You tug on that thread hard enough, you get us. So, I mean, that's pretty good bit.

If someone ate a piano and he's shut out like a... But this is German humor. Yeah, it's true. They do love. Do you remember when we went to... We did an ad, which we could probably say... We did like an ad for Yeagermeister out in Berlin. Yeah, and whenever we just did anything about...

And one joke was, um, we were just... Finn kept using a pen to draw dicks, right? Yeah. And then the cameraman, who's one of the only Germans on set, by the way. Yeah. They're mainly Brits out there. this like proper German big blonde hair he came up and he's like

this is very humorous so funny so funny and then he got the can I have these he got the the ditch we're drawn and he said

can you sign these please and we're like oh really they're for my daughter oh your daughter's a fan no no no she just likes dick drawing she just wants to be into presence of genius

it's crazy what was so fascinating there is that he didn't know who he were his daughter didn't know who we are but he saw us draw dicks it was like we were famous

for dick drawing And so he wanted a signed copy Because of us as dick These guys must be so funny Because how have you done that? That's unbelievable Wow So humorous

So funny Now Mozart wrote letters to his cousin Who was possibly love interest 1777 November the 5th Quote I shit on your nose So it runs down your chin Right

This is the man that gave us Yeah Modern you know Is the godfather of music He's a bit like messy And he's like you know It's like footballers they're not great break

they can be geniuses yes but they're maybe talk about their genius yeah postmatch how do you feel went oh I'll just like

I had chips I had chips last night I've got so Mozart so Mozart achievers his greatest professional success during the late 1780s

right because he's gone freelance he's got waves of financial prosperity he writes the marriage of Figuero and symphony

number 40 in G minor this is the big one Charlie can we just play a bit of symphony number 40 then we'll get you to recreate it, okay?

Because that's sort of one of his masterpieces, which everyone would recognise. It's simply number 40 in G minor. Oh, yeah. As the shit rolls down your chin. Oh, yeah. I mean, all the big ones, you do, they're just built into your conscience.

Right, so we don't know if we've got the right. Yeah, that's perfect. Just give us a little go of this. Do-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-da-ha-da-ha-da-da-d-l-d-l-le- Can you get the rhythm? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, brilliant. So that's one of its greatest work, really, as Charlie just played. You should bow and say thank you.

Thank you. That's symphony number 40 in G minor. But he's also, during this peak era, he's spending money, rapidly. Right. Fashionable clothes, expensive apartments, servants.

Now the French Revolution happens in 1789, which suddenly means that Europe is torn apart. Gary Stevenson's. Gary Stevenson has taken over the Bastille.

He's in terrible clothes. Yeah. And he's going, well, I'm actually the richest traders has ever been. Yeah. I understand it better. And no,

I don't want to give my money away. I want you to give your money away, actually. He reduced, this means that there's not really any rich people to give money for music. So he starts to,

his finances are impacted by this. And then we get to the, one of the most haunting things about Mozart is the Requiem, he wrote in 1791, which is obviously, this is what Amadeus plays up, this whole,

this whole rivalry, as this guy, Salieri. Yes. Have you seen Amadeus? I haven't seen that other things. It's very funny, the way they portray Mozart is this idiot. But Salieri is,

The whole thing is kind of a myth. It's not really true. But the myth goes that Salieri was not, he was the capill. He was a salaried court. He's the capillmeister. Yeah. The imperial court.

Codmaster. Yeah. And he thought Mozart was his rival and he was kind of bitter because Mozart was getting all this praise. And so the rumor goes that this random person commissions Mozart to write a requiem. Yeah. Which is something you write for when people have died. Oh, right.

And Mozart then. is poisoned by Salieri during the writing of it. Oh, so it's a requiem for his own death? Well, so even, it doesn't matter how he dies. I mean, he didn't, he wasn't poisoned. I think he dies of kidney failure or something. But he, the legend goes,

he's convicted by a stranger, commissioned him to write a funeral mass. In his illness, he becomes convinced that the mass is for his own funeral. And so he also finishes the magic flute during the same point because he's been commissioned for a,

been commissioned for an emperor, but he's going insane. It's ADHD, he's not sleeping, two or three weeks, like composing it all, not eating, he's not looking after himself, he's ill.

He composes most of the Requiem by himself, but then he dies before finishing it. He dies on the 5th December 1791, and it is pretty haunted. His head fell on the piano, and that's still in the... That's to the end of the piece.

But I just would like Charlie to... It is one of the most haunting pieces of music, the lacrimosa. Of course, lacromosa, yeah, yeah. it is so and also when you have the myth of him dying and him going mad thinking that this was his own death the reflection he's been he's been pooping and farting his whole way through but now he finally this is generally unironically an incredible piece of music this is so sad and haunting that you know the great the history's greatest musical talent is writing his own funeral piece

it feels like it's almost rising to heaven yeah okay so the clown's open now we don't have the rights Charlie can you carry that on with the on your piano please you've listened to it you got it so yes this is Mozart's mythic requiem the diazere the lacrimosa it's charlie la carte mosa la carloza it's charlie la la cremosso la Lovely Somo So is it a song about Having a Somosan Realized how great smote's lot

You've got a food poison From the Petitation Dodgy Samozo Dodgy Samoza The Dorse Somosa A terrible chicken booner Okay. Right.

I think we got it. Yeah. So Mozart has a dodgy curry is 1791. Yeah. Writes this haunting song about a bad Somosa he had. And tragically dies in 1791.

And he was not poisoned. Well, he was poisoned by the dodgy prawnia. Sure. But Salieri did not kill him. Yeah. And there's this myth that is invented by the Russian writer Pushkin that basically he frames Salieri and Mozart

as these great rivals. and it was probably rheumatic fever that he died and there's this myth that he was buried in a common grave because he was like poor and no one cared about him but... Like a Van Gogh sort of situation. This was actually customary for the Viennese middle class citizens under the health reforms of the Emperor Joseph II.

It's a bit of a disappointing end there because it feels like he should have a... I think Beethoven's got a big... Well, we'll see it with Beethoven. They go big. Beethoven is more of the rock star. Right. Because Mozart...

He died age 35, which is very... What's Beethoven more of a rock star than Mozart? Yeah. He looks cooler. No, I know. I absolutely love Beethoven. His story's fucking mental. Beethoven's in the next episode.

But I thought Mozart was more respected in his life than Beethoven. Beethoven. Beethoven follows in the footsteps of Mozart. Mozart's the first person to be like a musician with fans. And then fanaticism increases during Beethoven's time. Right. So he invents fandom. Yeah, Mozart's the first like individual musician who's famous.

but the first sort of... As for modernity rolls on, it can get more... Yeah, exactly. Similar to what we know fandom to be. So it's in like, Motot doesn't have a funeral... Well, I think he does have a big funeral. People are very sad. Yeah.

But they're ready... When Beethoven dies, they're ready for it. And they have a massive funeral. They don't know how to deal with burying stars, basically. Beethoven's like Churchill's funeral, or Elvis's funeral. It's crazy. Yeah. It's basically a black funeral.

People throw themselves on the floor, wailing. Oh, my God, Charlie, have you seen... There's a clear. my wife showed me this it's black toddlers having tantrums and people have put on spiritual gospel music over it and it matches so

so well toddlers this is a great way to end the episode on Mozart's life it is so funny putting praise break music over videos of my baby having a tantrum

it fits perfectly Yeah, that is amazing. Anyway, sorry. That's a very good wormhole you can go, Dan. Got me through this weekend. I remember my kids would be an absolute twats. Anyway, phrenologists dug up Mozart's skull because they wanted to try and find the music button.

Oh, that's, I mean, it makes sense. It does make sense. You know, if it's a 1700s, I'll be looking for the music button. This guy's got an unusually large music button. Weirdly, right next to the paedophile button. Very close. It was a whisker away. An absolute whisker.

You know, to be honest, it's like Mozart and Fritzel. It's a button away, isn't it? Well, this is, I would love to phrologize the entirety of the Austrian population because what is going on there? Yeah. Very confusing country. But then, again, it doesn't it fit that the greatest music, you? You know,

Freud was talking about the buttons, wasn't he. Yeah. He wasn't talking about the buttons. Freud's a big friend again. Well, yeah, Mozart is, he implies that Mozart's playing.

He's playing Freud again with people's heads. You want to fuck your mom. You want to fuck your mom. You want to fuck your mom. We should make a Freud again. Loop pedal. Genius, genus, genius,

genius, penis, penis, penis, penis penis, yeah. Anyway, but doesn't it make complete sense that the greatest musical prodig of all human history

also, because he's Austrian, writes a song called Look Me in the Ass I mean it's just the Austrian mindset He's Austrian for a second Exactly that's my point Is that you can take the man out of Austria You can't take the fucked up Pido basement digging

Hitler guy out of the genius So Mozart's legacy He produces over 600 works He reshapes the future of symphonic music Opera chamber music And he remains history's greatest prodigy I was interesting about his life Is no matter what personal ups and downs he has

because all these great composers all seem to struggle with their love life his work stays completely consistent unlike Beethoven who it's up and down stuff there's a lot of you go but Mozart is basically from the word go it's just brilliant the whole way and it's perfect

you know we'll see with the difference with him and Beethoven is a lot more maybe like it conjures more like dark emotions than you but Mozart's like everything's right with the world right yeah it's like it's heavenly it's joyous technically perfect as you can be really is it like a Messi-Rinado thing

where like some people think one is the goat versus the other. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because actually, to get into it, what, what, so my mum was a, is a, could have been a classical, yeah, concert pianist. Yeah, my dad's a pitiful. She can't, can't play the piano. No, she can. Um, uh,

she was a music therapist for a bit, but she was telling me that basically Beethoven's, Beethoven is actually changed everything. Beethoven's actually the goat. He's my goat. Mozart perfected music as it was then. and it's like all perfect but what Beethoven did

essentially he brought a new agent yeah ushers in the entirety of modern music he got usher involved Beethoven's fifth usher's involved in this club

in this club yeah so we'll meet usher in our next story it's a long road to usher yeah so Mozart kind of perfects music and then Beethoven

smashes it and starts again and he's also a complete in cell yeah he's mad yeah anyway we in our next episode we will deal with ludwig van beethoven the music of war and on our patron this week we will be dealing with uh wagner my favorite hitler's favorite takes bet over and really runs with it yeah yeah uh the man the man who's music you can't play in israel easily yeah uh the man the nor smiths the legend yeah uh beethoven episode already in the patreon

uh for three pounds a month you can become one of our um thick patrons and support our mozart our works of art. But if not, we will see you on Thursday for Beethoven. Adieu.