Fin vs History - A JackAss-ian Figure | Horatio Nelson (Part 2/10)

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

You must hate the french like you hate the devil.  The Napoleonic Wars (Part Two) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor   This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.  Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Chapters: 00:00 - Who’s That Up There?   05:45 - They’re Noises 09:05 - Captain Suckling 12:09 - Jackass But Drama 16:54 - Dull As Dishwater 20:54 - Solid As A Rock 26:16 - A Ship of The Line   31:05 - He’s A Man Of Action 35:31 - He’s Got Big Balls 39:54 - Such A Bloke Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. And today we're finally getting to Horatio Nelson. My namesake. The other Horatio. Yeah, one of the three. It's Horatio Kane from CSI, Miami. Horatio Nelson and me.

I hadn't heard of that first one. It's a big name to live up to, I'll tell you that. Which are you named after? Horatio Kane. No, I'm not named after anyone specifically. I think they actually just like the name. But I guess Nelson probably. would be more in the

also BB's related to Nelson really you go way way back well I well I right go on my great great great great maybe great great great great great great grandfather was the had no arms he had no arms and he's blind

anyway no he was the surgeon on the HMS victory really about 15 years after Trafalgar oh so yeah it's really cool And then it's not. But when it was a tourist boat.

When it was a prison, I think. A floating prison in Portsmouth, I think. But there's a portrait of him in my uncle's house. And I, this is how creepy it is. He looks exactly like my uncle. And I thought for the first 15 years of my life, oh, that's my uncle dressed up as like a 19th century. Oh, really? Wow.

And then we were like, oh, no, that's your great, great, great, great, grandfather. And I was like, that's a glitch in the matrix. He looks exactly like my uncle. Discipline breeding, isn't it? Yeah. That's like you've got a type. The same.

But if you still look like your great, great, great, great, grandfather really has not. Presbyterian stuff. Well, that's Scotland for you. Do you look like my sister? Brilliant. Let's get married. Let's get married.

And then we'll have me and you. We're talking about Horatio Nelson. It's part two of our epic. No girls allowed. Ten part of the Napoleon. I tell you what, I think Nelson, I don't know if the ladies of the room would agree.

I think Nelson really, and this crosses a bit of the boundaries from even male stuff. Really? I would say so. When you say it's pretty, it's just, it's romantic. It's, I don't know, it feels, it doesn't get, it's bogged down in the sort of like nitty gritty.

I think the story is, can cross gender barriers. Naval amputations. Yeah, but I don't know. You're saying babies, listen to podcasts about naval amputations. I think Nelson as a figure is more attractive for women. People often comment saying why are you doing this. He's got a fucking column, yeah? And I'm out there every Sunday wearing a Stone Island badge defending it.

Yeah. Against anyone preemptively defending it. I'm there. Come on then. Come on. Yeah, no one's talking about knocking that down, but I'm defending it. They're not knocking it down because I'm there. My favorite video of a true patriot, a real telegraph reader, is the, do you know that guy

in a flat cap who goes pushes away, Churchill is a racist, the carpool sign? That guy, do that video? Because I just like, that is, this is one of our patrons for sure. There's just something, fuck off. I've never seen a more right-wing man, just like the way that you could just tell. Just as a farmer. Just as a farmer. Barber jacket.

Stone Island badge. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Bullock. Get rid of it. Horatio Nelson is, you know, it's weird because I didn't learn about any of this at

school. I found all this out myself. I did my own research for this as well. I've done my own research here. Right. And I think that's a national travesty that our children are kept away from the Napoleonic Wars. Well, Nelson is the most exciting British individual from a storytelling perspective.

Until David Beckham, yeah. Who can match him? I mean, Monty, you know, we did, we did Monty. He's the World War II equivalent, but it's nowhere near as exciting. Horatio Nelson, and also, so much of our architecture,

you know, is based around this period of history. And yet it's just like... On monumental architecture, I'll tell. Yeah, it's just names, right? And then you find out what he actually did and who he was. And fuck,

me. This is the best it gets. Well, I guess because I was called Horatio, I was always interested in Nelson from a young age. No, not that one. I imagine you said that a lot at school. My name's Horatio. Oh, no, not that one. But yeah, I'm surprised that people wouldn't know about him because that was like...

It's average side, actually. What? It doesn't matter. Not that one. Nelson's Coler's column. His average size, actually. Yeah. Much smaller column. Horatio Gould's column, much smaller. I'll meet you at Horatio Gull's column. Where's that? I can't see it. No, it is there.

It's just, it's more... There is normally a man at the end of it, though. It's a single story thing. Oh, it's a man sitting on it. There's a man with a hat at the end of it, for sure. Absolutely, a man with no arm is sitting on it. Yeah, but it doesn't... Wait, is Nelson bouncing on that column?

Uh-huh? Yeah. Nelson's bouncing on top of that thing. He, yeah, Nelson, I don't know. I feel like, I feel like, why the fuck didn't I learn about this? Would you know about this? Listen, this is a good to check the stupidest ground in the country. It's a good start.

So Trafalgar Square. I've been there. Yeah. What's Trafalgar Square named after? The Battle of Trafalgar. Would you know who's involved in the Battle of Trauger? You wouldn't. Do you know that Horatian is at the top of that column at the middle of Chfogar?

I didn't know that. You didn't know he was at the top? I thought there was a guy out there, but I didn't know. I wasn't sure if it was him. I don't know why you'd put me in there. Nelson's gone, who's that out of there? Is that Nelson? Is that Nelson for the Simpsons in top of that?

What's he doing there? What's he doing? what's that guy doing on top of there? No, but surely he would represent the column and then there'd just be like a, maybe the... Listen, listen, we're getting... I'm just going to stop this here. This is not what they're tuning in for, okay?

Listen, the women are banished. It's men time, okay? We need to tell the story of Nelson and not listen to a fucking spaz behind the computer talk about a bloke on top of a column. His life is awesome. It's a perfect story, I think.

It's incredible. Yeah. It's, you know, it's a martyr. He's a romantic martyr. Yes, and also Monty didn't have the privilege of getting killed the World War II. So he lived to the 17th. He lived too long to then said that being gay

was a French thing and a crime. Right. And that's something that Nelson was saved from. Supporting apartheid and saying that Africa should be one massive country. Right. Now Nelson, thankfully, was saved from that disgrace. By a French sniper. Although, obviously he would have said the same thing.

Of course. Yeah. So, Horatio Nelson is born in 1758 in Norfolk to Norfolk to, his father, Edmund Nelson and his mama, Catherine Suckling. He has an uncle called Morris Suckling,

which I think is probably the best name we've encountered on the pod. Morris Suckling, good to meet you. Imagine having a business card saying Morris Suckling. It's quite a toast of London sort of stuff. It is. Morris Suckling. It's insane name. I thought you were dead, Morris Suckling.

Not Morris Suckling again. The dastardly Morris Suckling. But it's the 18th century. you know, this is, it's a very vivid, bombastic, Brian Blessed-esque age. Fannies, there's a lot of Fannies about. Horatio marries Fanny. Yeah. And you're bringing this back, Horatio and Beebe.

I guess so. They're funny names. Yes. You know. They're noises. Honk, honk. Honk. Ribbit, ribbit.

Honkong and bloop bloop. Right. He's born in Norfolk and his mother dies when he's nine. And I think maybe, well, again, like you say, this is where the psychoanalysis has come to. It was all because his mum was in. But you could say that this is why he maybe feels, or rather he wants to feel things. And he wants...

Very emotional. He wants a big, intense life. Yeah. You know, he wants glory. And this is from a very young age. Because he's very similar to the pony in the sense that he views himself as a great act of history and he feels that his life is writing his own story. Yes.

But they're temperamentally quite different, I feel. Yeah, Nelson is not a sweaty school shooting gun cell. He's a sweaty because he's ill. He's sickly at the start, definitely. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research.

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So he's famous, he's prone to, quote, nervous weakness. And he's also seasick his entire life. But he just fuck, fuck that. Plow on. He conquers seasickness with the mind, right? Which is not what, I mean, I went on a boat recently on a family holiday in Cornwall. My daughter loved it, standing at the bow, big cap on, smiling, loving it. my son got on the boat

and then got so scared that he fell asleep like those fainting goats Oh, got so scared he fell asleep Yeah, yeah, wow Just, just black, just fell asleep Cuddling mummy, just I get incredibly seasick And I got a very stoic

And I was at seeing Cornwall Uncle Morris Sutclan. It was Uncle Morris Sutclay And he did the most British Because he's seasick as well But he was like this, he just went And then just went like, he opened his mouth Loads of sick came out

And then he just went As if nothing had happened Yeah, that's amazing. But it's not throwing up, it's just opening your mouth to let the sick out and then carrying on. Yeah, he enters, so he's a sickly child, Nelson.

He is also, a very early, a sort of apocryphal tale, he ignores his grandmother's warnings to cross a field containing a dangerous bull, and he says, fear, I never saw fear. So yeah, sort of Theresa May's sort of stuff.

This is, yeah, he is, this is a long road to Theresa May. Only May can equal Nelson's courage and bravely. and wildness. And we did not know how good we had it when we had May, okay? Who is this Nelsonian figure outside Downing Street? The country I love, you know.

You know, they both love their country. They both love their country. They both served their country. One of them defeated the Spanish of Trafalgar, ensuring that an age of a new available superiority. The other one tried to get us off Brexit through and didn't have to leave. Okay? They're both Titanic figures.

So in 1771, Nelson enters the Royal Navy age 12 because his uncle's, Captain Suckling, good old Uncle suckling, who's not a pervert, even though it's an awful name. Yeah, if you're called Captain Suckling,

it sounds like you're sort of an arch perver. If you're Uncle Captain Suckling, I mean, I can't think of three more Pido, like, you know how, it's what three words, but for Padoes? You know how there's what three words

for locations? Yeah. If you had it for Padoes, one would be Captain Uncle Suckling. Yeah. Uncle Captain Suckling. Yeah. So, yeah, so he's in the Royal Navy.

He gets Nelson in 1771. Should we play 1771? This is Nelson joining the Navy a huge moment in the history of this country. Charlie, do you want to have a go at it? Yes. After Nelson. No, no.

No, no. After Nelson before Belston. Right, after Nelson is born, but before Belsen, the concentration camp. Was that Horatio Belsen? There was. Yep, we're pre-Belsen. Not Baratio Belsen.

Allegedly Bollisian. Allegedly. Allegedly, Beretio Belsen. Anyway, no, so, yes, long before Belson, Belson is just a twinkle in Hitler's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather's eye. Anyway, Horatio Nelson enters the Navy 771, even though he's very, very seasick, but he just goes, fuck it. And he calls himself Horace initially to avoid sounding pompas. Did you ever do that?

Yeah, Harry. I remember we first started working together on internet. Yeah. you were like don't don't introduce me as Horatio call me Horace because I was trying to trick influencers into thinking this was a real thing and I was like if our names are Finn Horatia and Victoria they all sound made up

so it wasn't it Finn Victor and Harry or something yes yeah can you talk about your fake secretary I think you've discussed that I've talked about it many times but I pretended to be a woman with a double world to the name for about six months and got into it was flirting with men in who are influencer agents thank God it's Friday I was doing stuff like that I never had a job, so I was just like, I was like, I don't ever get to do this.

Oh, bloody Monday. Hum day, Monday, Hum day. You know, it was fun. I was COVID. I didn't have any work. Anyway, him and Uncle Suckling are, Suckling remarked, what has poor Horace done who is so weak he should be sent to rough it out at sea the first time we go into action, a cannonball may knock off his head.

Well, you're wrong, suckers, yeah? So Nelson, very early on, is on an announcement. Arctic expedition on HMS carcass. I think the key defining attribute Nelson is he seems to be the bravest man who's ever lived, for physical bravery. I mean, it's to a point where it feels like he has something missing in his brain.

Yes. That has fear. His life weirdly is sort of like Jack, it's very Jackarsian, I'd say. Yes. It's like Jackars. He lives a Jackarsian life.

He's a Jackarsian figure. Yeah. It's a terrific. But it's sort of like Jack Arse. if it wasn't a comedy. It's Jack Ars if it's a drama. Yes. So imagine them all doing that.

No one's laughing. They maybe say Hazar. Yeah. But it's doing all those things. Putting yourself as much dangerous possible. It's not for comic effect. But it's not funny. No.

It's serious. And he's British. So he's sort of like a stevo. A serious, Steve. It would actually be dirty Sanchezum because he's British. Right. So yes, he's a Jackarsian figure, Nelson. I like that. So supposedly, now, who knows if this is myth or not,

but he definitely gets sucked into the myth. Because you have to remember... Let's pretend it isn't myth. Let's pretend it's not myth. It's the end of the 18th century. The romantic era is dawning upon us. People love the idea of individual brilliance and heroism, like the Greek tragedies and stuff.

So in an Arctic exhibition on HMS carcass, a 15-year-old Nelson decides to go and hunt a polar bear, supposedly. When his musket misfires, he thinks, thinks fuck it and attacks it with the weapon's butt to skin it for his father. Now, supposedly, we don't... There's a painting of it there. There's a big famous painting of him there

of a 15-year-old attacking a polar bear with the end of a rifle. I'm going to go out of a limb and say, I doubt whether that happened. But he's the kind of person who would do something like that. Yeah, if anyone did do it, it was Peratio Belson.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he beltsoned the polar bear. He belsend the polar bear, completely. But again, now that tactic will come up again and again in... What? Smacking Napoleon in the face of the matter. No, but as in his very root one

tactically. It's like absurdly heroics. But whereas Napoleon is more refined and he's playing 3D chess, Nelson is going to drive it through there. See if you like that. Seeing as it's kind of mythic and they're both very aware of the classics, both of them. Yes.

It feels like Nelson's Achilles this sort of like, it's courage and will. And Nelson's more edictious. It's more like cunning and cerebral. It's less pure bravery. Yeah, it's lizard brain versus thinky brain.

Nelson... What is it, Charlie? They know each other exist. Yes, crucially. Not yet. They don't meet, though. They never meet. They never meet. But he's the Napoleon of the sea and... Yeah, Federer and Nelson. It is a bit like Fedron and Dal. But they're playing different sports.

I'll tell you a good time to play to places, actually, right? In the 177... I believe early in the 1770s, the Falkland Islands. Yeah, it's the 70s. Is under threat. Right. Right. And Britain, Captain Uncle Suckling is going to sail an expedition to go and, you know,

not for the first time, relieve our southern border from Hispanic interference. And I just want to make sure this is clear. Argentine doesn't even exist at this point. No. So just there's a little bit of more information. Argentina is not even a country at this stage. the Falklands are British. So I think you'll find

Las Malvinas son Inleteras. Whankers. Anyway, right? It's not a political... It's not a political podcast. But that semi-final did hurt quite a lot.

Yes. But also they're all fucking descended from war criminals, so who cares? Now, initially, right, the ship is going to go to the Falklands, but by the time the ship was ready, the crisis had been resolved. Okay? Yet again, the British secure the southern...

border. Right. Okay. So to place Nelson's life, it happens between the Falklands crisis. Right. Right. After the Arctic, he goes to India and the East Indies. This is on the HMSC horse.

He gets malaria. Yeah, he gets sick. He picks up every illness. At every point, he can pick up an illness. He's a fucking bug chaser, this guy. Is it basically, where did he, at one point, I think it's in the Caribbean. He sits under some tree that's like a poisonous tree. The Manchiniel tree.

So this is during a San Juan. expedition. He accidentally sleeps under this tree. The sap drips onto his skin, giving him severe blisters, and he drinks river water poisoned by the leaves. And he barely survived, but is nursed back to health by a local woman using a mixture of herbs and boiled snakes. So he gets ill everywhere. And then in 1778, he's promoted to commander on the HMS badger. Badger! And now, in Quebec, this is missing from a lot of the history. Right. Right. Do you know this? In Quebec, in 1782. At age only 24, Nelson falls obsessively in love with a 16-year-old. Haw-woo!

That's my 18th century. Hawoo! Hazar! Hawoo! Let the dog see the rabbit! Mary Simpson say her name in Quebec. He's so horny for this 16-year-old that he basically has to be restrained from getting off the ship, otherwise he's going to desert it, because he's just trying to get to the 16-year-old

on land. So he very nearly has a meltdown, just leaves the Navy. He feels things very strongly. He's a romantic. He's a romantic figure. In 1787, Nelson is in the Caribbean and he marries a woman called Fanny Nisbet. Right. He had survived severe tropical fevers.

He got ill everywhere he went. And he also, I think in like Norfolk in 1780, he just got, he was hunting, got shot in the face by his mate with like grape shot just wipe the blood off went oh well and just carried on yeah um so he marries this woman family uh who is uh is is she is she an old chewed up widower like josephine no i think she's got a son as well right does she does have a son yeah so their lives are quite similar in this point she's like a real middle englander right yeah she's fucking dull dull as manky dishwater 1787 nelson marries fanney nisbet on the caribbean island of nevis at their wedding, the future King William the 4th is his best man

and he gets wildly drunk and then makes inappropriate jokes during the ceremony and then says that he's marrying a woman too cold for his quote volcanic nature. Right, it's not a good start. I mean, that's what you want a best man to do, I think. When you're looking for your best man, you're looking for someone who drew the same as me like, she could have made an effort? Is that what you want?

Yeah, I think you want a little bit, or you want some talking points to come from the speeches. You want some stories. Yeah, because you want good speeches. but you do want some clangers to be honest I do think that's the perfect gamut you need an emotional one that brings everyone up

but you do want like a disaster class oh man it's great to us I've seen some absolute car crashes never put the best man last unless it's me and I did a great job but it was also in Italy where half Donald Trump couldn't

I did the best job but I was at a wedding where the best man's speech was last and he just went so funny thing about him Yeah, we went to Thailand and, well, yeah, he likes him with big, with big, with big, with big dicks, it turns out. I mean, I didn't mention, didn't mention the bride once. It's hard for the bride to get a look at it, I've realized.

If you go traditional, if you go groom, father of the bride and best man, it is just about. Awesome. It's just about the groom having sex with prostitutes. And it's like the bride who's special there is, doesn't really get a mention. She may as well be on a leash, but with a muzzle. Yeah? How did that go down? Badly.

badly. Tears? No, but just awkwardness. But then, but then, you know, as you're saying, it gave us someone to talk about on the way home. Yeah, I was at a wedding two days ago, and one of the fathers of the brides, he kept walking into feedback,

so it sounded like a Christian Olin trailer. And then when he stood backwards, the wind would get the mic. One of the fathers of the bride. Yeah, there was two fathers. Oh, sorry. My God, a London wedding, is it? Sorry, there was a father of the groom did the speech,

and the father of the bride did this. Two dads. Christ? Yeah, Burners Britain. Anyway, people think that Nelson and Fanny actually liked each other, although it seems like his entire life will be trying to get away from how boring she is. Whether that be through affairs or his own death. So they settle in Norfolk after he finishes in the West Indies,

and then he just is rattling around for five years, basically unemployed. Winging. He's a big wingerer as well. He moans a lot. Because he just wants action. Yeah. And I guess that's what... And he's got a lot of self-pity as well, which is something that's quite interesting. into his character that you don't really see in the battles.

He's like, he's very insecure and self-pitying. But he's a frustrated romantic. Yeah. And if he doesn't have anything to do, yeah, he comes across quite morose. The rest of his history said on land, he's like David Brent, kind of. Yeah. Because at sea, obviously, he's this absurd hero. But I think if he has nowhere to go, these men shouldn't be picked on land in the home counties.

So who are the men nowadays that shouldn't be on land? Well, I guess the Thai cave divers. There's people like that. Yes, yes, that's really. They should have underground. Yeah. Yeah. And Middleton.

Yep, again, shouldn't be on. Who's that? Who's that woman there? You've got up. That's Fanny. Christ. Yeah, she doesn't look like a laugh, I will say. She's not, you know, she's not doing white wine seltzes with the girls.

I don't think she's cheating on you, though, Fanny. Oh, you know, solid as a rock. But, you know, if Napoleon's got Josephine with her black, stinky mouth to chow down. Yeah. Fanny's not, I don't think Fanny's giving you much of a sniff. No. No. So, Fanny doesn't have to do the zigzag, le zigzag.

No, Fanny's not doing lay zigzag. Just, what's Fanny doing? Just straight and narrow. Missionary once a month. Doggy, but just in a really sad way. Can you do do doggy sad, is my question. Can you do break up doggy? She does doggy, but her backs like that.

I don't think. It's arch, completely arch. What, like you stroking a cat there all way? Yeah, so the small of her back is higher up than any part of her body. Right, right. She ain't throwing it back. No, she's not. Fanny in this bit is not, it's not throwing the backpack. No. Fanny, I'll say this now, never had her back blown out. Yes.

A Dow woman. She blew her own back in to stop her getting blown out. Exactly. She looks like she works in a charity shop, which I think are the least sexy people in the country. Right. No? I don't think he always. Yeah. Bernardo says. Yeah, because you start having said something, the Bernardo stopped and go, this is such a mess. What are we doing? How do we get here? Crisis Finnsary Park has got some nice nice people

You're saying You're saying there's some good totty In the Crisis of Finery Park You're saying Go and check out the tail In the Crisis Finsery Park Anyway So

Yeah he's stuck unemployed Apparently he's just digging holes In the garden Right But again He does not have A 10-part series In the Napoleonic Wars to listen to

So what's he doing? Yeah Now 1793 Britain and France are at war Okay. Britain is alarmed by French expansion.

Yeah. As always. And so Nelson is back in command in charge of the HMS Agamemnon. Another Greek myth of character. So he, much like Lopoleon, has a very distinct style of warfare. Now, it might be a good chance

to time to go into naval warfare. Ladies, I told you you weren't welcome here, but if you're still here, wear three pairs of pants. We're getting into naval warfare in the 18th century. Yeah. So it's all about how many cannons a ship has.

Yes. But we should also talk what the Royal Navy is at this point. Please. Because the Royal Navy, the kind of the beginning of the British Empire,

it's all come from this kind of naval review that happened in like the late 1600s, early 1700s when we lost the naval battle to the Dutch and we're like,

we need to sort this out. And then we basically invented a naval service that ran the most efficient bureaucracy anywhere seen in the world. You know in Greenwich, that's where it all started. Yeah, yeah.

And then basically the Royal Navy became arguably the healthiest place to be in the world. It's the height of all technology, the best diet, biohacking. Limes. Limes is a huge thing. British people got called lymies because we discovered that you got scurvy from a vitamin deficiency. But it's basically like the Royal Navy is the height of all technology.

It's Silicon Valley. It's like the center of the industrial world. Yeah. And there's nothing that can really compare to the quality of the Royal Navy, which is one interesting thing about Nelson's victories. It's as amazing as they are. They are also the best man crew boats. And I wonder if we would have won those battles without him.

Well, interestingly, a lot of the battles were outnumbered. Yes. But we have so much better equipment and training. Yeah. As you say, because the Royal Navy. Yeah, it's a bit like in Germany had that review after what, the 2002 World Cup. They got a lost in the group stage and then they just start dominating again

and they change their style of play. This is what St George's Park was meant to be. Yes, exactly. The original St. George's Park was the naval review in the 17th century. And all we have is the net, we're not a great land power.

We have, never have really been. There's no point. No. We're fighting Scotland and Wales our whole history, really. It's holding a midget like that. But the Navy. An angry Scottish midgett.

You're just holding Gimley like that. Yeah, just fuck off. And then Wales like that. There you go. Back off. But the Navy, as you say, is the... It's all of Britain's national security. It's empire, it's wealth.

Everything is the Navy. Yeah. And Britain, the Spanish Navy has subsided at this point. It's still big, but Spain and Portugal are still players, but they're not the powers they once were. And this is the most important a Navy, this next hundred years is the most important of Navy, has ever been, and probably will ever be,

for global power. Yes. Because as soon as air power came in in World War II, And even what... The Falklands would not have been reclaimed without the Navy. It's true. But it's not... Running the Navy doesn't mean you run the wild anymore.

But at this point, this is the golden age of naval warfare. It is. Right. So you have several different types of ships. As I say, ladies, your final warning, okay? Four pairs of pants minimum. You're going to go through them quickly now. You've added another pair of pants.

I can't stress how devastating this is going to be. Okay. If your pelvic floor is weak, pause. Right. Do some squire. watts, and then start again. Right. But if you have dry perm,

this might be the thing for you. Hey. They might awaken something. If you have dry badge, all right, just pause, intimacy. Skip to this bit. Yeah. Right.

I'm going to discuss ships of the line. A ship of the line, right, ladies, is this is the sort of major ship that you judge a fleet strength by. This is sort of multi-story ships that have a large number of cannons. This is the most sophisticated weapon in the world?

This is like... Nuclear weapons, basically. I guess so, or it's a... Maybe it's satellite technology. So, our first-rate ship of the line, which would be HMS victory, which my ancestors... Fought on.

When fat American tourists fell down the stairs, my great-great-grandfather was there to pick them up and put the SIPP up back in their mouth and send them on their way. Right. So the ship, now, if you had 100 or more guns, you were a first-rate ship of the line. Yeah, all right. Second rate, 90 to 98 guns, blah, blah, blah.

Now, then you had a frigate, which was a much more fast, maneuverable ship, which would be for scouting reconnaissance. That would still have about 20 to 30, 40, 40 guns. Then you had Briggs and cutters, which are much smaller for dispatches, maybe getting food on board, etc. But really, when you're talking about a fleet size, you want to know how many ships of the line they have. All right. Ladies, go to the other room, get more pants, come back. Now, we're now going to get into the mechanics of warfare. Have you changed them? Here we go. A broad side is when, is a simultaneous attack using all the cannons on one side of a ship. So naval warfare, until Nelson, is all about turning the ship so that your cannons are all on one side, and that's when you fire at an opponent.

So it's, again, similar to how Napoleon disrupts on land. It's two firing squads look at each other. It is. And it's at a agreed time. And basically, it's kind of who rides the swell of the sea better so that their aim doesn't go. Yeah. And they just fire at each other fucking loads and loads of guns. Master of commander captures this probably best than a film.

Yeah, when it decides to be exciting. Yes. But it does seem like one of the worst places to be. I think when you're in a naval battle, you have to remember. a lot of people are dying from massive splinters. Yeah. I mean, I don't know

annoying a splinter is. Ah, yeah, it's that, but like all over your body and the splinters are quite big. Ah! So there's people just with like a big splinter in their head like that. Yeah. Should I get it out?

But also, when you're at the front of the cannons, I'll just, the whole time I'd feel like, I don't know, like I'm about to get fucking, you're about to get smashed up. Like, I don't know how they... Did you know this? Did you know that, so an officer or an admiral on the ship

was not allowed to duck. Yes. Or even flinch. So someone like Nelson when he's in command and, you know, there are cannons firing everywhere, huge splinters of wood and fucking metal and mast saying down.

You have to just stand there like, oh yes. And if you go, oh fuck, then you're completely abandoned. Completely aura loss. You lose your command. Yeah, exactly. It's all aura. And then also he's wearing a different coloured suit to everyone else.

He's got all his medals. He's got a massive hat on. He's got a massive arrow. saying I'm the king, get me. So it's a Johnny Knoxville sort of challenge, is it? He's a Jack's a Dacharsian figure. So the flagship is

the biggest ship in the fleet which carries the flag and the senior commander. This is also kind of the it's how you communicate with the other fleet. So it's, you know, ladies, we're getting into semaphore. You're going to have to go out and buy new pants now, okay? Semaphore

is where you use flags to communicate signals and even like words have sentences. I imagine at some point they put the pride flag up when they all want to have a bit of a ding-dong down to it.

Right, okay, that's the gnoshing off flag. Okay. And then even though it's all broadsides and cannons, at a certain point, they'll be grappling hooks to swing onto another ship and then start fighting with swords. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah, right?

It's good stuff. Now, Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.

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market data. The objective of naval battle was not always to sink the ships, it was merely to destroy or capture them, which would then force their fleet to surrender, which would be more important because you could then take the ships and add them to your navy. So, but Nelson ultimately will pursue a different tactic of

annihilation, right? Of trying to wipe the fleet out. Which hadn't really been done before. No, and that's also what Napoleon's... Naval battles of annihilation. That's also what Napoleon is doing on land is annihilating forces rather than just sort of trying to get them to get a hand shake from them but it's more like yeah uh with that in mind nelson is an ambitious

young officer right and he fucking hates the french he's a real patriot this guy this guy because napoleon uses france as a tool to leverage his own power and napoleon is loyal to napoleon above all else but nelson and his wife stinky slut black mouth yeah yeah let's not forget that napoleon yeah can't forget that and and his wife's black minge yeah which is her mouth at the lowest hole in her face but Nelson is quite he's a bit himboish in this way he's quite like

I don't know he's not thinking deeply about things he loves gone in his country and action yeah he is a man of action yeah well let's just do it and work it out yeah so in 1793 as war breaks out you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil

French are nothing but thieves murderers oppressors and infidels good stuff I would not have a Frenchman in the fleet except as a prisoner. I put no confidence in them. Forgive me, but my mother hated the French. Right.

In 1793, as we said, he is in Naples, and he meets a lady called Emma Hamilton, which will return to, but he's trying to gather Neapolitan support to take on Napoleon in too long.

It's a shame. Neapolitan being used in a military context doesn't really work. Seeing as this is actually like a function of the Mediterranean front. Yeah.

Neapolitan is an ice cream or a pizza. Yeah. So it does sound... Well, that's why. it wouldn't have helped. With modern Italy, it doesn't really work

in a military sense. No. The Neapolitan front. Oh, we're going to get the fucking Bolognaise in. What do you mean? What do you mean

you've allied with the Bolognaise? No, the Bologna, the Bologna, the Bologna, no, the fucking do you know all about. He's got a long fucking ragu. That's not going to help. We're going to pour ragu on them. Oh, we've got the Vonglai.

What are how fucking you all about? Idiots. Right, so, in 1797, yeah, we get to his first. first sort of hero-making story.

Now, in 1796, Spain had allied with France, right, which was a real do-do. He is sailing from Gibraltar to report intelligence on the Spanish warships. He then is told to blockade a larger Spanish fleet that's just off the coast

of what would be Portugal, I think, is Capson Vincent. In 1794, at the siege of Calvi in Corsica, debris from a ship blast scratches his face and it causes the permanent loss of vision in his right eye.

So this is the first of his iconic injuries would it be? Yes. He's like a Paralympian and he loves an injury. Oh, he wants nothing more. It's a huge part of the branding of him it's a real like,

I guess it's quite disability forward. Very. Yes, very. Interestingly. Well, why is... This is not all disabilities are visible is not what they're saying. All disability should be visible

is more the... the edge of the time. And they're heroic. Yeah. You know, but now there's kind of a like, oh no, don't, don't, don't make me a superhero, you know, I'm just normal. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, I see. Whereas he's like, no, I'm better than you because I'm doing this and I've not got an eye or an arm. Yes. Yeah. I can do this in my eyes closed because they're forced clothes because I'm blind. Because I'm blind. I can't see. I have to do it in my eyes closed.

David Blunkett could be Home Secretary of those eyes closed. Yeah. He had to be. But he refuses to wear an eye patch because he thinks that's ridiculous. and also his eyes not actually shredded or anything it's just a bit milky milky eye milky eye

so then we get to the Battle of Capes and Vincent now this is just off the coast of Portugal and he is ordered where is Ronaldo born that's Madeira Madeira so it's near in that neck of the words Madeira is a bit is closer to Africa

anyway at the Battle of Capes and Vincent Nelson breaks orders which is a recurring theme. He's told to stay in a line, right, to blockade the Spanish fleet. And he goes, fuck this. And he breaks out and basically picks off a couple of ships himself. He boards the San Nicholas shouting, Westminster Abbey or glorious victory. I basically mean, what does that mean? Means he's going to be

buried in Westminster, Robbie or, and at this point he's not, because it's just a whatever. But he does seem to have almost suicidal ideation. He's so obsessed with his own death. With glory. Glorious death. Every battle he's like, I hope I fucking die in this one. And every time he survives, he's like, well, we've got to get another one. Next one. Let's start another one. Yeah. In 1797, right, another shard of wood causes a severe scrotal hernia.

Scrotal hernia. Where his bowel slides into his groin. Right. And they have to treat it by manually shoving his intestines back up. So what this is, right? And taping heavy lead weights to his groin. So basically the bowel goes into his scrotum. I actually didn't know about this one.

Yeah. This one is less, he doesn't use this in the paintings. I don't think if you look at the back of a Nelson's column, I don't think you see his bum in his balls. How does that work, Charlie? Can you find out what a bowel hernia is when it goes into the, it's your scrotum?

You can you pay out of your balls? No, no, that's not what's happening. No, I think it's intestines going to your balls, so you have massive balls. That's so confident. I think it's where, yeah. A bowel scrotum, and yeah, in quinial hernia,

where the loop of the intestine drops down from the abdomen through and opening the groin muscles and enters the scrotum. I think I'd kill myself if I... Really? That's what I mean. Nelson just thinks, fuck it.

Brilliant. Fuck it. So he must be just in pain the whole time. It's big balls, I guess. He's got big balls, though. He has got big balls. But that's because his bum was in his balls. Fucking out, he's got balls.

No, no, no, you don't understand. His bum is in his balls. Anyway, Nelson gets a number of, knighthood. It says a knight of Bath. I don't know what that is. Is that not just a knighthood? Anyway, he's then promoted to rear admiral. I mean, all the ranks are

very... Oh, God. Go on. Roel. Rear Admiral Horatios here. Now, it's fascinating because if he had not won this battle, then he would have basically just been court-martialed. But because he does win it, I mean, he completely breaks rank. Yeah. So he's starting to get a name for himself

in naval circles. And then we get to, um, possibly the funniest of his expeditions. He basically is... Tenorese. He's basically awful on land. So in 1797... In the same way Napoleon is awful on sea.

The only has no idea how sea works. In 1797, he has this idea off his own accord to basically intercept one of the Spanish treasure fleets from the New World when they're docking at Tenerife because I think they've blockaded Spain,

so they have to go to the Canary Islands. And so he basically is like, right, If we nick it, if we, it's not El Dorado. If we, if we nick it, if we get the ship and get all the treasure, there's like a naval rule where if you find, it's like finders keepers. Like if you get it, you get a percentage of it. So they would be millionaires overnight, right? So he basically attempts a night assault to seize Tenerife.

When did you last go to Tenerife? Or went to May. Yeah. You've been Tenerife. Big Water Park, right? The best in the world. Twelve years in a row. What?

12 years in a year. It's one at 12 years. He's not been 12 years in a year. I went with somebody who had the logo on her body. Tattoo. Tattoo, yeah. And it's wicked. It's unbelievable.

Siam Park, yeah. Shout out. And this is pre-before that, though. Yes, this is, well, this is where they got the idea from. Nelson, you think you can do a ride where you try and attempt to seize Spanish treasure fleet. Sure. Anyway, so this is a bad idea because Tenerife is just a sort of rock. And it's full of just drunk people from fucking Margate.

Yeah. Busting fags and watching big tallies on a strip. but he so he goes right we're going to seize the actual canary islands because the boat support

he hasn't really got a plan because he doesn't really do plans so he boards the beach and then they like march up a hill and then they get to the hill

and they realize that the hill's pointless it's not where they thought they were so they march back down and then people spot them and start just shooting at them and he gets hit by a musket ball that shatters his right arm

and he is right-handed yeah because I still always remember He was right-handed. The worse it is, the better he feels. His humorous was fractured in multiple places. Right. He lost his funny bone.

He lost a sense of humorous. So he's taken on board the HMS Thesias. He refuses to be helped on board going, let me alone. I've got my legs and one arm. Right. This guy's a fucking bloke. Yeah. It's the Monty Python.

Yeah. Tis but a scratch. Yeah. Let's get into how his arm is amputated on board a shipper. night. All right. Ladies. No,

actually ladies, this is for you. You'll love this. You're sick fucks. So, um, amputations were always happening. Imagine this is true crime

and what Dahl was doing to one of the victims. Yeah. So amputations were always happening on ships at this time. And we're going to enter the details. It's pretty, it's pretty gnarly stuff.

So, um, a surgeon would get a screw tourniquet and clamped. There was an aesthetic though. Hey? They just had a swig of rum. Yeah, there's rum.

Yeah. Yeah. So Nelson refused to have any rum. Right. He was like, no, no, no, just cut it off. Because he was like, I'm in bad enough health at the minute. I don't want to. I don't want to hang over tomorrow as well as this.

You cut my arm off. I don't want to think, oh, fuck it out. How much time? What I do last night? Fuck me. So a screw tourniquet, which I guess is like a vice, is clamped around the arm to crush the tissue and stop the blood flow. Right.

Then a long, cold knife is used to slice through the skin and muscle down to the bone. Then the surgeon, if you can call him that, swaps... He pulls... He pulls the muscle back with a linen cloth and gets his bone sore out. Then cuts through the bone.

Arteries are tied shut with silk thread. That's nice. And then the skin flaps are folded over the exposed bone and stitched. And then the whole thing is soaked in vinegar, which must really sting. Right. Is that antibacterial, basically?

I guess so. Yeah. Right. They had surgeons, had attendance that were called lobbly boys. What? Loblolly. Loblolly boys. Loblolly boys.

Why they called that? Loblolly boys. Did the first person try to say lovely and they got it wrong. Lobloid boys. Look those are underwater. Loble bolly boys are named after lobeli, which is a thick bubbling porridge or gruel, traditionally fed to sick sailors to help them recover. That sounds delicious. Oh, a lovely boll or loblis.

right anyway so Nelson when he goes under the knife the thing he notices is how cold it is yeah so he then institutes a practice where they'd have to heat up the knife yes on board um so he he cuts his left arm off he's now he's then in agony for like five months because they don't they leave a bit of string in or one of the right one of the threads doesn't heal probably yeah oh yeah that's it was it the surgeon accidentally ties a major nerve into the silk ligature along with the artery. Because the nerves are where you're going to get. The pain's all going to be.

Yeah. So basically every time he, like, move, ah, fuck, ah. So every movement of his stump sent shocks through his body until the thread eventually rotted. Christ. But within half an hour, he's back on board giving orders, soaked in his own blood.

He's a fucking hero. But he was obviously right-handed, so it meant that every wank he had from then on. It was a stranger one. Oh, interesting. Very interesting. Wow, I wonder how good he got at it before he died. Well, it's also, think of poor Fanny.

I mean, how's he meant to go, how's he meant to, you know, go around the back at all? Yes. You know? What do you mean? My fingers are my mouth. Well, I can give him a minute. Yes. Yeah.

One at a time. He can't one man banned his wife. Sure, sure, sure. Anyway, he doesn't really care. Tis but a flesh wound. And so he's back on the dock orders. And very quickly, the injury becomes, you know, he's the one-armed,

he's the one-armed captain. But Nelson has failed to board Tenerife. But as 1798 approaches, there is a new mission for the heroic, one-armed, one-eyed bandit that is Nelson. Because this is when, it's hard to get across just how scared Britain was at this point because Napoleon's on the rise,

Britain is not, doesn't have control of the seas fully at this point. No. And also our position in the Mediterranean is very spurious, basically. Yes. So it feels like we feel vulnerable at the moment. Yes. And so Napoleon is not yet the ruler of France, but he's a rising general.

And talk is getting back of this whiz kid. Yeah. This smelly autistic whiz kid with his stinky wife. And into that maelstrom, Nelson will go looking for Napoleon's fleet. Yeah. In our next episode, the boys will go to Egypt. And we will deal with the first titanic clash between our two protagonists. I mean, yeah.

Oh, yeah. This is history one or one. If this isn't history, then you can fuck off. I don't know what is. That's already on the Patreon, where for £3 a month, you get instant access to series. The first five parts of this epic Napoleonic Wars series are already there. But until then, goodbye. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer.

That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Football is back. Every game, every weekend, Draft King's Sportsbook has you covered.

Every snap matters. Every comeback can shift the game. And every fourth quarter moment can change everything. Follow the action with Draft Kings, the number one sports book for live betting. Built to keep up with the speed of sports. Built with Canadian sports fans in mind. Draft Kings brings the action together in one easy-to-use app.

Follow the biggest matchups, build your parlays, and explore live betting markets as the game develops. So you can focus on the football, and enjoy the action with confidence. Download the Draft Kings app today and see what everyone is talking about. Draft Kings, the number one sports book for live betting.

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