Fin vs History - A Knight in Shining Shaun-the-Sheep-T-Shirt | The Thai Cave Rescue (Part 1)

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Who Will Answer The Call Of The Autism Bat Signal?    Thai Cave Rescue (Part One)     The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh    Chapters: 00:00 - Normal Life Is A Zoo   05:50 - I Got The Job Done!  09:41 -  Deep Into The Arse  14:35 - We Need A Bigger Autist   19:23 - Mountain Warehouse Men   25:25 - Autism Bat Signal   30:11 - 32 Million Bums  33:34 - Show Me Your Pum System  37:12 - I Said Night Night  42:53 - Brilliant!  48:20 - A Win For The Patreons  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. Joining me is Horatio Gould. It's an underwater hum actually. Well, yes, because this, listeners, viewers, this is one of the greatest things that's ever happened. This is the big one, I'd say. I'm fired up for this. I'm fired up for this from the start. This is trying to get this in the calendar for months.

It's an academic discussion and a deep dive, dive being the opposite word, on the Thai cave rescue of 2018. Fuck me. I mean, look, 2018, that's arguably... too early to be history. Well, I think a lot of our viewers will not like that we're doing something from 2018 because they will remember how shit their lives were in 2018. Sure. Yeah.

They like escapism. Yes. I could have been someone else in 1943. Yes. But in 2018, you were still a fat guy. Yeah. You were still comic book guy. You were still 3D printing swords. Yeah. And you still were a virgin. But this is a great story for the 3D printing swords, the virgin,

the artist. This is a great tale of overcoming your shit personality and becoming one of the great heroes. They haven't overcome it. They've weaponised. They've used in your shit personality. It's the one time where you were the centre of attention. Yeah.

And rightly so. And rightly so. Rightly so. We must reiterate this is one of the most heroic things that's ever happened. And it's fascinating because you think about, I think this will be seen as history like big history. I think it's underrated. A long time to come.

There was the film, there's a documentary, but I feel it's not part of the, the, I don't know, societal vernacular. It's because it's too recent for us to, you know, we don't even really know how COVID will be remembered. Sure.

Will COVID be remembered like Spanish flu where it's like, who gives a fuck? I mean, tens of millions of people died. Yeah. But Spanish flu was just a sort of expansion pact to World War I. Like, who cares?

Yeah, right. Who cares? You know, like millions of people died. Yeah. But ultimately, you're like, yeah, yeah. COVID may be the similar if what's happening now is,

World War III or whatever, you know. But this, this is like the Titanic except it's in an era where technology is advanced that they actually saved people. You know, it's not a disaster. Yes. It's a victory. It's a victory, but it's also, I guess,

what I like, there's that Ron Howard film. Have you seen the film they made of it? I've seen all the films. Yeah, and what I liked about the film is it had very little style to it. They did not have any cinematic flares. There wasn't this rich score. No. It was just trying to make it look

as close to what happened as possible. Which was, right then. Because you don't need any other ingredients. No. Because if someone wrote this story, you'd think it was ridiculous. A Mission Impossible script wouldn't come out with something like this. The main thing you had to get across is the fact that this all happened. It's absolutely mental.

This is Francis Borgia as Ethan Hunt. This is France. Wow! What came across watching all the stuff about it is it's like the British Dad as a, a thing that it needs to be has been stuck in its cage for so long since the forklans since the forklans right that was one of the last times that they got a run out and it just feels like such a caged animal you know awkward at Christmas going off to the shed there's there's nowhere to run free it's like going to it's like when you see like a you know

like killer whales sometimes in shopping malls you know you've seen this is what their life is like but suddenly like free willie yeah they are set free normal life is like a zoo And you're sad that these great beasts are locked up. And then suddenly, Rick Stanton is let out into his element. Rick and John. We all know Rick's and Johns. They're everywhere. I'm related to some of course.

My uncle Paul is with Rick. Yeah. My uncle John just will not leave a study. Will not leave a study. And he's apparently working. And he's fucking hell. Imagine if he got the opportunity to save 14 Thai boys. Incredible.

Absolutely incredible. I genuinely find it quite moving. because I guess you know all these men, and these men, they never cover themselves in glory in any conversation. But also, I do think it's slightly eerie how, you know, in Britain,

you have every generation, every 40 years, you have a moment of like this, Dunkirk, the Falklands. This is the third part in that story. Yes, it is. And they are getting less impressive.

Yes, they are getting less impressive. Yes. Well, this is a hugely impressive. They are getting smaller in scale. Smaller in scale, I think. But this is our generations, Dunkirk. Our generation's Port Stanley or whatever the Falklands one was.

The Thai Cave Rescue is a beacon for its men to hold on to when their lives are falling apart around them. One of the greatest moments of the documentary, the National Graphic Documentary, which I watched last night again, is when Rick Stanton, who will get into, is asked, do you feel that your dangerous hobby has made your relationships more difficult? and he goes well just because something looks dangerous doesn't mean it's on a dangerous way

but yes I'm crushingly lonely because he he always has like Rick's the most autistic one and then there's a step down with John John has a family

as kids he has other lives he's still fucking riddled with the stuff but Rick is the fucking elephant's foot in the Schnoble core of the British autistic Because he's contained by a massive scarcophagus normally. His autism is too powerful.

We need to put a massive shield load. And he's the one who really just like... Well, as we'll find, only someone that autistic would come up with the plan that he comes up with. Anyway. And I don't think he can see this at all as he's so autistic, he doesn't even seem that heroic to him. No. This is just like... It's just what I had to do.

Obviously, yeah. It's simple. So let's get into the summer of 2018. The World Cup is on. The World Cup in Russia. Yeah. Is it on during the... Yes, it is on during.

Let's try and place this. I believe, well the actual, they get stuck, the boys get stuck on the 23rd of June 2018. So I guess you could place this with... Do you want to place this with two World Cup games? Yes, now I think it's before Japan beat Belgium. Did Japan beat Belgium in 2018? South Korea beat Germany. Japan did very well in 2018, I think.

I hope that you're not thinking of South Korea. Belgium beat Japan. They lost. They lost. So it's before Belgium beat Germany. Japan in extra after extra time. And it's after Harry Kane scores the worst hat trick in World Cup history? Yes, it definitely is.

Definitely is after that. Six nil versus Panama. It's before England beat Columbia in the penalty shootout. Lingard, I think, shoots against the back of Kane's Hill and it goes in and then he scores two pens. So yeah, we remember this is when the England penalty curse was broken. Yes. It's a very superstitious time.

Yeah. Because the superstition runs through this story, Thai Cave Rescue. So let's get into the cave system. Okay. What do you think, us breaking the penalty curse, do you think we've got the curse maybe for crimes of the past and there's like a haunting thing that, you know, you had this great empire,

but now you must be cursed with failing at penalty shoots out. Yes, and only if you send two Achilles, two heroes who can redeem you. And maybe this is the British redemption that breaks the curse. Yeah, well, I think so. What day of the boys feed? What day of the boys feed? It will be early July, won't it?

10th of July, which is maybe they all get out. Yeah. So, and then the curse is broken on the 3rd of July. Okay, so it's all... When are the boys found? They found like 20th. Second of July. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. Britain, Garrette Southgate is connected to this story. The penalty curse breaks. Yeah. Mere hours with the time difference. As, as the boys are discovered in the cave system. As John finds the boys.

This is. a British, this is probably the greatest thing that Britain has done since... It's up there. And I think it needs to be considered in the pantheon. Yes, 100%. Yeah. 100%, right. It's naval as well.

It's naval. It's autism. It's dads. It's gone... Right. So, it's also, I must say, that it's a sexual fantasy of my wife's, that she has 12 Thai boys stuck in her pussy. And you have to get them... Only I. I'm capable of...

of getting them out. So I have a hard hat and some ropes and a torch. It's too wet down there. The monsoon season has started. We must get out. Why are the pumps not working? Because when women, when they get married, they find,

they find competence sexy. You don't understand this. You know, watching the Manosphere dock and all that stuff, young men think that women are attracted to, you know, muscles and peacockishness. Yeah. But that's not what they're attracted to. They're attracted to getting the job done.

Even if it means no eye contact. I got the job done, Sarah. One of the rescuers generally, until he was 20, his eye was fucking over there. Yeah, there's a tough operating, but it was worth it. Back in the 80s, one record label conquered the charts and turned outsiders into household names. In the 90s, that label turned rave culture into smash hits,

and owned the dance floor. Discover it all on the brand new podcast. Hit that perfect beat, The London Record Story. Out now, wherever you get your podcasts. The drama begins, towards the end of June 2018, in the Tam-Lwang-Nang-Nong cave system.

It's a six-mile cave system on the Thai-Myanmar border. Because around that area is the biggest cave systems in the world. Yes. This is, I think, the fourth biggest cave system in Thailand. Now, it's named after a mythical princess, and the mountains resemble a sleeping lady. Sure.

And this is all part of, you know, the ties will tell this story through the mythology of it, which is that years ago, a princess and a king fell out and a princess fell asleep, and that's her mountains and she's pregnant. And I guess the cave system is her vaj. It must be. Or her asshole. Or her asshole. One of the two.

What is it, Charlie? The size of the average. human bomb is six to six inches long. Five to six inches. Okay, so what I'd like, this, the only way this will be relevant is, okay, you've done it. The length, the length of the cave, the Tam-I-N-Kame cave system is 405,512 inches.

Yeah. Meaning that within the cave system, you can fit 81,1002 human bums. When you say you're saying the bums, do you mean the actual... The rectum. Yeah. So, you mean the actual cavern? The actual rectal cavern. The actual rectum length.

So, okay, now work out how long the journey that they make to the boys is and back, and then work out how many human bums they go in and out. Okay, we'll do it. But you can just put a pin in that for now, all right? That's something for you to keep busy while we get some. So, yes, the mythical princess had fell in love with a stable boy, I think, which the king had then cursed her because you can't do that. Okay.

You can't be falling in love with the stable boy. So then she's asleep, right? And this cave system, I guess it's her pome, I suppose. That's something they don't really talk about in the mythology. It's not a pub, it's a cave. It's a cave system. It's one of the fourths of the world. Anyway.

And there is this team of a young team of footballers, the Wild Boers. The age between 11 and 17, which I mean for the British football system, I'm not really sure how that works. Anyway, they have one assistant code. But this is far deep north northern Thailand. This is right on the border. With Myanmar, yeah. Myanmar. So this is a different Thailand to the sort of sex tourist southern. I imagine this is much

more rustic, much more like traditional Thailand deep in the jungle. It's away from the coasts, right? Yes, yeah. There's no tubing. Yeah. It's not a touristy area, apart from the caveing, I guess. No, there's no ping pong shows. Right. It's more of a, yes, it's more of a kind of mystical, you'd say, a less globalised, more authentic Thailand, perhaps. So now, the players were playing football nearby and they quite often would go into the caves for like team initiation ceremonies and stuff but like like when charlie put a pool ball in his bum i think initiation ceremony yeah i guess so i don't know tie of that kind of kind of culture though i imagine it's more like we're talking about ping pong shows i mean it's genuinely that's not initiation though is it that's entertainment yeah

so there's a different we we don't we don't have an entertainment show where where private school boys put fucking pool balls in their mouth and we go that's brilliant no but i suppose i don't know how mystical Charlie's initiation ceremony was where he put a pool ball that had been in his friend's bum in his mouth. There was a spiritual element. No, I'm just taking a swing here. So, the monsoon rains

normally happen in July, but unexpectedly, they happen a bit earlier. And so while the boys are in the cave celebrating one of their one of their birthdays, which one's birthdays, it is called Knight. We've got the names up here, and there are sort of English nicknames,

Titan, MacDom and Pong. Mark, turn, Bue, dull, note, and Nick, and T, a knight, and Acker. We could have a run-up at some of these, but it's all calling the down-the-stairs stuff, really.

Rattle through the talent type. Do you want to have a go? Yeah, okay, here we go. So, just for listeners, this is me, after my wife's left me, just in a fit of rage, throwing all my kitchen implements down the stairs. Chanin Wimberungger-ung,

Ging, Phenatman Sangadi, Dung Fong Fong Chaiwam, Mongkong, Bunbiap, Natwat Takam Song, Erkrat Vongsa-Chang, Adol Sam, Prachachat Chathat, Pichongu Tam, Pichonkutam, Pichanguang,

So that's him doing the head of the team, and take the kids as well, will you? That's doing a roll call at the beginning of a training session, right? Yes. Attendance roll call. Yeah. Or it's a,

or a sort of steel pan shell. collapsing in the industrial kitchen. You take a pick. Saturday 23rd of June, they're in the cave, they're celebrating one of their birthday, and rising floodwaters block the exit, meaning the team have to go deeper and deeper

into the princess's ass. So coach Kandawangong, he is the main coach who has presumably been cleaning, like putting traffic like cones away or something, and he finds all these abandoned bikes and bags at the entrance. So he's the one that goes, okay, shit, the boys are stuck inside.

So he tells the police, I think, or he goes to local officials and the families launch initial search efforts. But the rain is pouring down at this point. And it's hard to, we must stress, like, monsoon rain goes on for months. Yeah, it's a whole season. It's a whole season of just it pissing it down. And it's not something that, you know, Britain, British people feel very, very, very, attached to rain.

It is biblical. It is biblical. It's not a bit shit. No. Here rain is just a bit shit. You're getting soaked through. Luckily, there is already a British haughtist on site. Now, what's he doing in Thailand? What's he doing in Thailand? What's he doing in Thailand? I don't know. I mean... It's tough, isn't it? Because if you're a British middle-aged man in Thailand,

everyone just assumes you're there because to get easy nooky. And he might just be loved... He might just love, I guess, geological caves. Yes. opposed to lady boys' Vaginal caves

But he's Well we don't know Can't a man explore Can't a man explore both Is he there with his wife I don't know He sees on his head He's suspicious

He has a Thai girlfriend I think Okay yeah it's a bit The less said about Vern The better I think But what is good is that What's interesting About this moment

Is Vern is someone Who's still a cave specialist He's an autistic British dad But he sees the scale of this And is like Oh my god. We need a bigger autist.

That's what I love about this. It's Vern's on site, but even he knows he does not have the powers. Yeah, so he has mapped the cave system for the national park. There's always a bigger artist. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We're going to need a bigger artist. So he has mapped the cave system for the national park. So he's actually gone.

Which are like, okay, that's pretty autistic. Yeah, he's gone further. He's gone further than any other diver has. Yeah. And we should just take a minute to explain what this kind of diving is. It's underwater. So I think, before we've talked about underwater diving, let's just talk about caving.

Because it's basically already, which is mainly white people do this because it seems to be like a problem with white people's brains. They have to put themselves in danger because they have sort of privilege in their life, I imagine. Yeah, well, it tracks, marathons, etc. Black people aren't doing this. No.

No. And I don't want to meet the person who is because what's gone on there. but this feels like caving in itself is already the maddest thing you can do I see those TikToks of like someone with the GoPro

and he's lovely I don't know where this leads actually we already talked about the Nutty Party incident where someone took a wrong turn and then was upside down for 38 hours and then died where was Rick Stanton for the Nutty Party instance where we'll see so there's a caving community

which is already a very niche specific rare thing for anyone to want to do Yeah. And then there's people who are like, caving's too boring. And then they're like, well, let's do all of that.

It's already the most terrifying, dangerous thing. But let's do it underwater. Let's fill that cave with water. It's like when dads get into cycling with the lycra and you keep going further and further. And then they take the shoes, then it's the caving.

You know, it's skiing, caving, underwater, like you keep going. Underwater caving, it's so, such a rare skill. It's such a small. small community.

There's a moment in the documentary where you see, where they're asking the cave divers what they like about caving. And it's kind of beautiful because they go, well, when it's just me

in the caves, no one's telling me what to do. I don't have to think about what people expect from me. It's just me and the cave. And then they're cutting that interview footage against B-roll of them going,

like scraping their face along a cave. with like mud going it's beautiful it's peace my mind's at rest but what's amazing

about seeing him cave is just how at peace he is the whole he's doing the most terrified thing and it's just complete flow state but what's fascinating

is that so if you panic when you're caving that means death yeah so the sheer amount of autism you have to have

where caving is calm and a woman saying hello is death Like eye contact is a panic attack Which is death

Apparently they had If there was a woman in that cave system Who said hello and he didn't know her He would die in that cave Yeah No matter how good it They had they measured his heart rate During it

Really? And apparently it was like It was completely not Like there was not one change Didn't touch the sides No Boring Boring

I'm bored But when one of the mothers Yeah When the mothers of the children Came and hug me afterwards The heart rate Oh fuck no Yeah

No On the 21st 1st 25th of June, there is a British diver called Vern Unsworth. Vern, as you said, has mapped the system and he very quickly understands the seriousness of this situation. He's the tip of the iceberg of British autism.

You don't, yeah. I need to go right to the bottom. I'm not, even I'm not capable. And what's hilarious, so there are navy seals that are struggling with the murky water in the poor maps, okay? Just for scale, thank you, Charlie, you could fit the town of Burford

inside the cave system. Have you been to Burford? Yes, it's very near where I That's where the crocodiles of the world are. Yeah. That's near where me and Charlie grew up. Mrs. Bumble's bakery. Yep. The Garden Centre.

Burford Garden Centre is one of the seven wonders of the world. Oh, really? It's astonishing. Okay. But you can feel all of Burford Gardens Center, Garden Center in... I'm not sure. Burford Garden Center is huge. If there were 12 Thai boys stuck in Burford Garden Center,

I'm not sure even Bernanthor can get them out. I mean, it's massive that place. There's a big church. Yes. Anyway. You can fit the town of Burford inside. Okay. And how many men's assholes is Burford?

That was your original choice. Charlie, that's another thing for you to be going on with. Thank you very much. So the Navy Seals, you know, this is the best of the best of the Thai. Yeah. They're struggling. These are the Thai Alford Chad. These are the Thai.

They're heroes. Yeah. They are guys, they get too much pussy these guys. Yeah, exactly. This is the mistake. This is what I love about this story is no matter how brave. These guys are Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, the bravest guys are the tiled. It doesn't matter.

You're too. ripped and sexy, you're too good at speaking to women, you're shagging too much. This is not for you. Move over. I'll take charge. So Vernon'sworth, he writes, right, he's basically saying, I know that you're highly trained military men, but this is, the job's too big, right? And he then writes a handwritten note to the government minister in charge of maybe sports

or the area, whoever the first government official is at the time. He writes his hand in note with like six names. These are the best British cave divers. It's like a hoist film. Yeah, it is. You sell of a bitch I'm in. Yeah. Just when I thought I was out.

You dragged me back in. But it wouldn't be like that. He's like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. Brilliant, okay. So this is the A team, but the A stands for autism. If you can find them, they'll be on a train platform. You need the A team.

He says these. are the best cave divers in the world or rather he says the I need these men yeah and he says Rick Stanton brackets the best cave diver in the world because there's like it's got the biggest caving community in the world as in Britain

it's in the north of England as a council of cave divers the British council of cave divers which is a slur yeah and what is it because I think there's a lot of underwater caves in the north of England I know in the south west wiki hole and all that summer stuff yeah but I do just think there's a cultural thing is it the love of

hobbies, is it like that there's so many of them are concentrated We're in Ireland. Okay, we don't have Laban's realm. So when men want to get away from their wives they have to go into the ground. Right.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm going away. Where are you going? I'm down. I have to go down. Yes, Charlie? The Tanner Burford is equivalent to 1,557,753,116 human bombs.

No, it's inches. Inches. Yeah, but that's the bums. A bums an inch? I've divided it by the number of bums. That is the number of... 1.5 billion bum holes is Buford. Yeah.

So the whole country must be staggering the amount of arsholes. But again, it's flat rather than... It's not a channel. You're doing it square. You're doing it squares. Yeah. So if you open the bum and like peeled it open and laid it,

square bum, like square mile. Square bum, yeah. Yeah, square bum. Okay, thank you. Yeah. So, uh, Verne makes this list. Meanwhile, the seals are trying to pump water out of the cave because it's raining a lot. Yeah, it's chucking it down.

It's chucking it down. Okay. So, the international response, people send equipment, this rescuers arrive, engineers are trying to divert the water from the mountain. And this sort of town forms around the base of the mountain. It goes around the world, this story. so the British cave divers arrive on the 27th of June

and there was an amazing photo where we're looking at now they were asked to take a photo that apparently at the airport they had a sign saying you know when you're like you're being picked up by car the best cave divers in the world and then they're like well that'll be else I guess

and they're made to take a photo and we're looking at it now and it's two two time men with three of the most awkward looking men I've ever seen in my life you've got is Robert Harper's on the left in the red you've then got

John Valanton and you've got Rick Stanton the goat These guys live in a Mountain Warehouse Mountain Warehouse was built for these men

Okay These men will have several pockets on their shorts Yes Is it waterproof Yeah That's what they're To put it on

If it's not waterproof They will be Waring sensible Shoes at all times Yeah They will Good Lumbach

Good support on the hills. Yeah. They will have their keys attached to a big climbing ring. Which you can pull like that. Yeah. And snap back like that. Yeah. They have waterproof matches.

They have waterproof matches. When you're camping in case it starts raining. Yeah. Rick has genuinely... Rick Stanton. Rick Stanton. He's the best. Rex Stanton.

It's hard, yeah. I mean, I think is he Colin Farrell in the remake? Is he Colin Farrell? Yeah, well, no, it's vegan mortesan is Rick Stanton. Oh, Vigalmers. And he does amazing job. Aragon. plays Rick Stanton beautifully.

But again, and Colin Farrell's John. If you've just seen that film, what's interesting about this is that when this was happening, just after the boys are rescued, there was a massive bidding war between Disney, Netflix and maybe

HBO, and they all got right to different versions of the story. So someone got the rights to the documentary, someone got the rights to the feature film, someone got right. Because everyone's understood at this moment that this is a historic thing.

For sure. Rick Stanton is a firefighter, an ex-firefighter of 25 years. And actually, this is an incredible bit of the story. He struggled with relationships. And he, through one of the other cave diving, his cave diving maids, he had met a Thai woman on holiday, who's having a holiday in Britain. I think she's a nurse. She comes over.

They have this whirlwind romance of two weeks. When was this? Her name is Amp Bangor. a bung. Somehow he meets her in 2018, okay? Um, and bang bang warang. Following the rest of us?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, she's a nurse, right? She's on holiday. She's a whirlwind romance with Rick. Okay. Yeah. And then, you know, there's like photos of them.

He takes a kayaking. Yeah. Because this is the kind of man. It's whirlwind. Yeah. On a date, he's like, well, we have to do something outdoorsy. Yeah, yeah. Because if he's trapped in a cage, talking to a woman,

it's death. Yeah. You have a cardiac arrest. Panic on a date is death. So he takes a kayaking, there's photos of that. And then in the documentary, they say that she falls in love with him in this two weeks. She then gets on a plane back to Thailand,

back to Chiang Mai, and she goes back to her village. Which is near the caves. She arrives as the media circus is kicking off. And she's like, sorry, there's 12 Thai boys trapped in a cave. And I've just had a war. world in romance with a cave diver.

Yeah. And so she... Does she help link the two? No. No. Because... Vern's got that comment. Burn's set up the autism bat signal.

Stanton, you'll need it. But she... But just a kind of coincidence. Again, it's a spooky thing. Southgate's in his waistcoat breaking the penalty curse. You know, Rick Stanton has kissed a woman for the first time. The heavens are opening up and pouring down. It's the gods.

The gods are flooding it, you know. Amber Bangababab. bongan's gone to do it. So he, every weekend, he is chucking himself down cave systems

in England and across the world. And he at one point in the documentary they go, how many dead bodies have you pulled from caves? And he goes, um,

well, not quite double figures. Probably nine. And then he talks about this fucking harrowing story which he just bats off because he's British, where his best friend in the world,

he was cave diving with him in Mexico and he had an incident in his words and then he had to drag him up and he was dead and there was no like bag or he just sort of brought him up you know brought him up and he goes yeah and obviously that was quite tough because he was my best friend

oh oh my best mate yeah oh yeah that's quite tough I suppose if I was someone who felt things that would be quite hard but luckily I'm not maybe I'll go to a mountain warehouse and treat myself I'll feel better.

I'll feel better with some more sensible shoes. So John Valantham, right, he is also a hobbyist, a self-taught. He, as you say, is slightly more... You're pulling it back a little bit.

A little bit, yeah. That's why the double act work. He's the, I guess, the straight man, if being the non-straight man is being straight, almost. Yeah. He's like, he's a big fitness guy. He's got kids.

These guys are, this is, some of the straightest may have ever lived actually these guys this is a great a great victory for straight men this story

you know for all their rimming gay men would not have been able to do this okay because they enjoy life too much all right and they're too sociable

look at these fits this is you know you guys don't have an ounce of games this is a victory for Mobs look at that one third one there Sean the sheep

Sean the sheep Sean Valanth is wearing Sean the sheep Sean Valanth is wearing a Sean the sheep um they go on on this morning um

Man. I mean, it's a glock. You know, I'm not going to excuse enjoying a straight victory in history once in a while. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play

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With me, Andrew Harrison, and the absolute A-Team of Politics Punditry. Get it every Tuesday and Friday on your favourite podcast apps. Okay, 2018 is it, we're into the gay years. Yeah. All right? As we've said before,

history can be separated between straight and gay. Yeah. So this is a rare oasis. Yes. Within the gay desert. So they have terrible t-shirts. They're the t-shirts of the guy, the one guy on a stag do who really shouldn't be there. But if you see him walking up with the Sean the Sheep t-shirt,

you're like, we might get these fucking kids. Do you know what I mean? You're worried sick and then you're like, hold on. Oh, thank fuck. He's got a shirt. He's got a Wallace and Grobock T-Shall. We're going to be fine. Boys, you're going to be fine.

You've got, has anyone seen this chicken? It's the penguin in the rubber glove on. fine. It's absolutely fine. Now, do you what, send the seals home? This cunt's got it.

He's wearing billabong shorts and he's wearing those weird climbing shoes that have toe, you know, glove toes. So,

now John Valanthin is a scout leader which is, you know, again, this is a brilliant victory for the straight British scout leader.

They arrive off the plane and straight away it's night, but they go into, they just get straight in, which is mad, actually. And they're flown

out business class and there's an amazing photo can you find it Charlie of them on business class because the Thai government are flying them out and it's them with all the air hostess and the air crew

or whatever and they send the documentary we've got flying out business class and that was quite an experience people were offering me alcohol I thought right in the air crazy because this is just not their world

no not at all these are men that rattle about the whole you know the suburbs they're professional potters they potter about they're posse they're postering about. They're keeping themselves

busy. Rick Stanton, I should have said, is such a cave expert. He has made his own side-on re-breather, which is like a big tank. And he's made all the fittings himself on a lathe. You remember this in the documentary? He's made

this thing. And so other cave divers look at him and he's like Yoda. He's like messy. He's in a different world. Like, I look at him and I don't feel like I'm a cave dive dog. Sure, sure. Like, I don't get pussy.

This guy, this guy just destroys them. Pussies come near him and they just... No, he doesn't destroy it. He rebuilds them. Sorry, yes, he rebuilds them. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, he puts a safety sarcophagus over the pussy. Okay, because you can't, you can't destroy it.

It's the elephant's foot. It's the elephant's foot, yeah. He's built his own kit. So he just gets involved straight away. And the first thing is, after a, I don't know what day this is, they go up, and they get quite far into the cave system. How many are, I don't know how many assholes they get into the cave, but then they find, what is it, Charlie?

9,000 assholes. Is the whole cave? No. To the boys and back. To the boys and back. Okay. So let's say, they get, 500 bums. Sorry?

They get two and a half, the boys are two and a half K in. Yeah. 2,500 kilometres in inches. 16 million bums. Okay, thank you. There and back. No, there in back is 32 million bums. Wow.

I mean, it's the scale of this. is crazy. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. It's horrible. And it's funny because Charlie, you're probably the opposite

of Rick Stanton. Yeah. And I can't think of anyone who would die on impact as soon as they go into a. You're nutty putty, really. You'd be in the cave. He'd be stuck in the cave.

Yeah. I'd be like that orc that they throw into the, you know, um, the berserca. Yeah, I'd be, I'd like smash through something.

No, you'd hit your head on a bit of rock instantly and die. Instant die. So the 26th of June, they've arrived and they, they're getting pushed back by the strong current. and they're still trying to pump the water out. Now then the British...

But there's a bit of scepticism from the Thai government. Obviously, this is such an emotional and political issue for everyone in Thailand. They don't really understand or believe these guys because they're not professionals because it's not a professional thing. They're all amateur. They're all amateurs.

They work in IT, they're hobbyists. They've got the best of the best. They've got Navy SEALs. So there's a lot of like, they arrive. And they're just trying to walk in and they're like... They keep trying to turn them away because it's like...

You're like, no, this is a military operation. And they're going... We're all true respect. You have no idea what's... I'm capable of. And there is a, and you know, in the docket, he goes, it got quite heated, but eventually we were allowed in to the cave. And he's there with his homemade fucking rebreather, right?

And they're just off the plane. Crazy. It's like, well, let's get straight to it. You know, everyone's like, do you want a cocktail? No. So, eventually, yeah, there's a lot of political wrangling around the, Thai government, the military, the Navy Seals, and then these just four blokes,

these four shedbotherers, right? But they eventually just get in, and they dive, they push back by strong currents. The next day, I think, they go in properly. Yeah. And they find, so there are these three, there are these several chambers, aren't they?

Where it comes up for air. Where it's a bit of, like, air in the system. One is just Pataya Beach. Yeah, which is, now that's where they think the boys are. But to map the cave system, it's like, do you know what it is? I suppose it's the princesses, forloping tubes

and you go in through the vash there's a big funnel and then there's a T-junction and then her two fallopian tubes go up and then there's little chambers at the end and the boys I suppose are like it's a bit like an ectopic pregnancy do you know what an ectopic pregnancy is?

No it sounds awful it's not good fun it's not fun it's when an egg is fertilised but it's not in the womb it's in a philopian tube so a baby starts growing in a fallopian tube so it's kind of quite you have to send Rick Stanton in there Rick Zahman has to go in through the vagina to get rid of the egg.

So the boys are like an ectopic pregnancy in the Princess Mountains fucking Pum system. Pum system? Anyway. Show me your POM system. How deep does it go? This bit's crazy. They find these just bloke, these Thai blokes who had been, they'd been there trying

to pump water out when the flooding started. These are just like workers. then they fall asleep, which feels weird, and they miss the evacuation order. So these blocs are just trapped in part of cases. What are you doing here?

Yeah, so they think they found them pretty quickly. And then they're just like these fucking blocs, right? And they're like, bum, bang, ming, ming, m'n, or whatever, you know,

they're, I don't know, Stanton's like, I hear colanders, you know, anyway. And they're like, the, the current is rising. And they're like, this could be,

this, this, where this space that they're in could flood, in hours or minutes. So they just have to fucking... They don't have any gear. They just have these spare oxygen tanks. They're just like, right, well, let's just get these guys out.

So they put the... And this is only like halfway in? Not even halfway in. What is it, Charlie? This is also 1,892 dwarfs in. At this point? To get the boys out and in... To get the boys out now, you need to go...

1,892... That's 3,784 dwarfs. But what about dwarf's bumholes? Dwar's bumholes. Yeah, get back to you on that. Thank you. Anyway, so these guys, these just random Thai workers, they have to, they just connect them to some oxygen,

and they're like, right, we've just got to dive you out. And this must be, you know, to where the boys end, are they on up front of the boys? That's a three-hour dive, six-hour round trip. This must be at least half an hour, an hour, maybe. Right. And these fucking, these guys are like having to just, They don't have goggles.

They don't have goggles. They don't have autism. They don't have autism. They don't have autism. They're neuronormative. They fell asleep in a cave system. I don't know how you do that. Anyway, they just have the fucking oxygen thing. And then they're just doing this.

And at any point where they feel like there's air, they instinctively try and go up, which means they're constantly hitting their heads, right? Which is very dangerous, obviously. Because they brain themselves on it. So eventually they do manage to get these blokes out. But I'm just putting a pin in this because this is when they realize when they do find the boys, they're like, okay, we can't, we, we can't just dive them out when they're awake. Anyway, so they get these workers out somehow.

And then, then there's a few days where the rains keep coming and the Americans arrive, Americans, the station in Japan, they arrive. Funny that there are still Americans in Japan. Yeah. Just making sure. Just in case. Keep that door closed. I said night night Anyway

They arrive And it's not looking good So we're getting into the end of June And there's a moment even When John Philanthens like Asks for Details of a flight home Which he says on the documentary

I didn't go down very well And he goes I do regret actually I do regret Ask him to go home Because you know When he's not cave diving He's just in Thailand Yeah

He doesn't want to be in Thailand I don't want a holiday. Yeah. It's after a week. Yeah. It's after a week, right. So, but the rain's getting bigger. And they're basically thinking this isn't going to, this isn't, we're not going to find them.

But then the rains stop. They also, I don't know if it's at this point, but they build this massive engineering system to divert rain from the mountain. The whole time there's a huge team of people, mainly locals, who are pumping water out as much as they can. but it's millions of liters, cubic meters. Like dams, pipes, yeah, because there's cracks in the top of the mountain and the water can get through there. What is it, Charlie?

So the average dwarf is about 70% of the average person, apparently, in terms of height, according to Google. 70%? Yeah, okay, I suppose. Which means that their rectum length is proportionally is about 4.2 inches. Yeah. the distance to the boys

in terms of dwarf bottom length is 23,4344 Bums Yeah, you had said 32 million bums I'm getting confused between the different

bum kind of scale factors I think bum is the only thing you can hold on to I think it's mass that's a problem Yeah but now we're green I think 32 million was way too much Yeah

I question those numbers of Bums Well if we're doing 32 million then We're not doing that wrong You're the one who has all the numbers. I don't have all the numbers.

I don't have all the facts. Anyway. That is, just if I may, 32 million. No, we don't. You're way out of. There's quite a lot of divorce problems. Go over the numbers again and come back to us.

Okay. When you actually understand what the math. Try and work out where you got that 32 million from. So I think that's bollocks. Yeah. No, that is bollocks. There's no way these divers went through 32 million bums to get these boys.

Okay. So, um, what should also be said is that at this point, The Ties, obviously, for them, this isn't about autism or military. It's about spirituality. So the Ties get in this, they get in this fucking monk from Myanmar who everyone in North Thailand really likes.

And his name is brilliant. His name, can you find out what the, he's got a silly like hat on? You know the Banya hats people wear? The absolute nonces in David Lloyd. I brought my own Banya hat. He's called Kruber Boonchum. now boonchum is this revered monk yeah and uh because they see you the world spiritually and what's interesting about these british k divers is maybe there's there's never been a less

spiritual like no well this is so divorced they don't dream these guys it's so it's so empirical it's so in the here and now there's just no and it's interesting the two sort of meeting together yeah it is so boonchum kruba boonchum they think is the reincarnation of the king from the story with the princess. Right. Do they think that before? Yes. No, they did.

Right. So, Kruber Boonchum arrives on site and he gives this prophecy that the boys will be found and they are still there but you can't see them. But he says in order to get them, you will have to sacrifice two lives. Right. And the hat he's wearing, which I'm sure is a religious hat and no disrespect, but it looks like the pussy hats from the woman's mask. He does say two lies.

That is weird, isn't it? Yeah, well. And we'll see what happens. Krubaboon chum. Yeah, he's wearing a big pussy hat. Anyway, so the ties are preying, basically. They're praying because that's all they've got. You know, it's very sad because for the parents of one of them, whose birthday it was, they'd made him a SpongeBob Square Pants cake.

That is sad. And that's just going stale. Yeah, it's going stale. Because you can't keep cake in the fridge. It never keeps as well. No, it never keeps. No. School friends had made a thousand paper cranes.

I guess they're really putting it at straws. Yeah, I mean, yeah. What on earth is that going to do? What's that going to do? Make an actual crane. So there's still no news on whether the boys are alive or dead. It's a huge news storm. Local people are, you know, there's just this massive press scrum at the foot of the mountain.

And every day, the autos are going, excuse me, coming through. Richard Stanton and John Valantan, they're diving. How long have they been in there now? Has it been 10 days? It's guessing that the boys have been trapped. for 10 days. 10 days. It's the 2nd of July,

2018. Yeah. They have been told to get to Pataya Beach, which is one of the outposts. Halfway up the left fallopian tube with the princess. That's where Vern,

who's probably the most sex touristy of them. Yep, sure. That's where he's like, if they're anywhere, I think they're there. Because his sex stories of autism gets him so far. Sexed autism.

Sexed autism. He's still a British dad so he can map a cave. but he can't go underwater that cave diving because he still is there for pussy as well. So there's like a level of

I can only get you so far you know he's getting someone who is... I have to go and fuck my... We need to get someone immune to ping pong shows and baby boys to get us any further.

He's just... I have vices. Rick Stanson, watching a ping pong show. Just... I wonder how deep that woman's pump goes. I wonder if I can map her cave system. Completely asexually, of course.

Yeah. He's watching a ping pong show and he's wondering how many ping pong hung balls are in there. Yeah. He's thinking about it empirically. He's got his head torch on like that.

So they make it to Pataya Beach, despite warnings of it being too dangerous, but they get where because they get the job done. Rick has a big thing. I've never, never enter a cave you don't that you can leave. Which is a pretty good thing. I'll say the same thing.

It's why I've not had sex with my wife for four years. Yeah. You just don't know if you'll be able to leave. There's no safe way out. Yeah. I'll get lost in there. But also what you're meant to do, what you're meant to do is you're meant to,

so you go, you spend a third of your air getting there, a third back, and you've got a third spare. That's what Valanthin says, cave diving underwater. But he is at Patia Beach, Valanthan and Stanton,

and they go, I've just got a feeling. Because are they meant to be going back? Yeah, because he's like, it's not safe. I've way gone over my third of air. Yeah. But, you know, if there's any moment to push it, it's now, right?

What is it? Is there any other example of a kind of disaster where you just get punters to help like this? I don't think that. Do you know what? I don't think there is. Because the Chilean miners, that was... Which we are doing on the Patreon. Yeah.

That was professionals, too. Yeah. But this is extraordinary... I guess it's like Dunkirk. It's the people just on boats. Yes, yeah, it is. It's four completely... In no other area of...

life, are they this successful or useful? Yeah. That's why it's such a brilliant story. Yeah. So they keep going past Pataya Beach. They are a few hundred meters beyond it when they surface again and they take off their masks and they smell. It sort of smells like Charlie's bedroom. Smells a bit pooey and a bit fishy. Yeah.

And then out of nowhere they just hear, they hear, what was that? Was that a column of it? Is that someone just dropped us in a steel pan? We didn't bring any coldness with this. Was that a ricochet or a bullet? And they realize that they see the boys sat on a ledge above the water. They ask how many of them are there. And one of them is the only one who could speak English says 13.

And they reply with brilliant. Brilliant. Wow. Brilliant. Great. Great. Got them. Found them. Okay. Good. They have found the team and they are all alive with the assistant coach.

Brilliant. We have GoPro footage of when they found them. Amazing footage and this. Of course, it's Francis Borgia. He's got a GoPro. Wow! Yeah. Yeah.

Look at that. This is, this footage, it's pretty amazing. So they're all still in their football kit. They've all been, they've all been pooing like. Well, don't, it's not, don't act like they're being gross. I'm just trying to make it vivid. Well, I go in there, we go, ugh.

Don't you guys know to use a fucking toilet? That's disgusting. Oh my God. It stinks. I'm going to leave you in here. You should be ashamed of yourself. Sorry, guys.

You know, it's one thing to be trapped underground. But please, for God's sake, have some standards of hygiene, cleanliness. But it must be said, when they surface, they smell what they think is decomposing bodies. Yes. So it's either, you know,

they're going on preparing myself. for what I'm going to find. I think they're going to find dead kids. Yeah, which would traumatise most people, but... Not these guys. Yeah, that was 30 dead kids. They would have said... If 13 dead kids, they would have gone,

brilliant. Brilliant. Oh, brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant. Yeah, no, they're all dead, found them. It's just two different inflections are brilliant, isn't it? Oh, brilliant. Or, oh, brilliant. Oh, brilliant.

Oh, brilliant. No, dead. Anyway, so they find the team, but they're obviously, they're all very hungry and small. and in the dialogue on the film they're like, how many there are you, 13? And they're like, hungry, hungry, tell him we're hungry. And they're like, yeah, they know that.

And give us some food. And I think they give them whatever they've mined. Do they take orders at this point, like food orders? Because there's a funny bit where they take the food order, which is sort of like when we get lunch. And Phoebe comes around with Uber Eats. Yeah. I want six pad ties.

Six chicken cashew. It's like Big John. Yeah. Big John's not doing this. Yeah. Yeah, prawn crackers, prawn toast. Charlie's curry.

Chicken balls. Chicken balls. Sweet and sour. She just get some stuff at the table. Yeah, yeah. Get some prawn crackers at the table. And some crispy seaweed. Bosh!

Um, so they found the boys. But now the issue becomes how the fuck do you get 12 boys out of a massive Thai woman. Fanny. Only men this autistic can devise a way. Can devise a plan. In our next episode, we will deal

with the heroics, the great escape. That episode's already on the Patreon. We have three pounds a month. You too can fantasize about the one moment in history where you're actually useful.

I mean, these, you know... It's a win for the patrons. This is a win. We slag you guys off, but this is a moment. To celebrate you guys. Yeah, it is, really. You're only good for one thing, and at this point, this is when that happens.

And maybe there will be a situation where in 40 years' time, you know, four British guys with their own 3D printed katanas are needed. Yeah, I don't know. We need someone with the biggest

collection of katanas immediately to save these people. Excuse me. And they just go through, we should have like a handwritten list of all our patrons emails. Just in case. These are the guys you need.

These are the guys you need. You rang? And then they're strutting down in their female body, they're expected t-shirts. And everyone's like, oh, we're fine. We're absolutely fine. Three pounds a month, join the Patreon.

I think by now we're the biggest in the UK. Yeah. Incredible. Look at that. Bigger than Amas. Coor be here, sooty. Considerably bigger than Hamas, actually. We need to find a new terrorist.

The Taliban's probably our next big one. Only members of the Taliban are there? No, surely. Surely, surely the Taliban is not as big as a mass. We could fucking... Our patrons could take... Oh, no, they are. I guess they're back, aren't they?

200,000 functioning more as a coalition. That's civil servants, that's Taliban civil servants. All right, so if we're talking to active fighters, low estimates of 60,000. We could take Burford. You're absolutely right. More than 17 times. So we're on what, like 31,000-ish?

Something like that, yeah. So we're basically halfway to be in the Taliban active fighters. So that's our next milestone. We could take Afghanistan back. We could do what Biden couldn't and fucking get rid of the Taliban. To celebrate hitting 60,000, we're going to try and take us to step back from the Taliban. The problem is, the next question is what's better for the Afghan people, specifically women, the Taliban or our patrons. And I'm sad to say, I think it's the Taliban.

I think the Taliban are better. Anyway, join the Patreon, and we're doing Chile and mine as our bonus episode. But if not, we'll see you on Thursday for the continuation of this heroic British autistic. story. Goodbye. Goodbye. Are you breaking into podcasting and audio? Or are you ready to level up? AudioTrain.com.ukes

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