Fin vs History - A Real Country Doesn’t Collapse Over Bananas (with Geoffrey Asmus) | The CIA Under Allen Dulles

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

Geoffrey Asmus joins us to talk CIA coups under its most controversial head, Allen Dulles. Was he a sinister puppet master orchestrating coups against democratically elected politicians? Or a man who just loved bananas? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm here with the ratio Gould. Hi-ya. And our guest, Jeffrey Asmastmas. Hello. The Asmastor. The Asper. Jeffrey Ashtamouth.

I was called that a lot in high school. Yeah. So normally when our guests wear a suit, we had Tom Jilby who looked like he suited a suit. we have a lot of people wear a suit that looks like they're doing a court appearance Jeff I feel it's more

traveling salesman is yeah I haven't been able to afford one that fits quite haven't sold enough gloves sleeping in the car you've been picked up off the streets and put in the suit to stop being a bum and get a job

you're gonna get a job you're gonna go and get a job and it's not it's not works this is the nicest I've looked at a long time I just stand behind him and do his tie up because I went to private school yeah yeah I went to private school in America we don't do the tie

We don't do the tie. Yeah, well, you guys are... Private school in America. It's not really private school, is it? Right. You're not playing soggy biscuit, are you? Exactly. Do you know what soggy biscuit?

Exactly. Is that a game? Do you want to explain what soggy biscuit is? That's your idea of a fun game. It's not a fun game. It's a way of life. Uh-huh. What do you do?

You get a very robust British biscuit. Digestive. Okay. And you all masturbate onto it. Wine race. And the person who wankes. who comes last has to eat. That's British, that's probably...

Is that more theoretical or you actually did that? It's a practical test and a theory test. Exactly. Much like driving. We invented football and then the French codify. I think the French are trying to codify. They're trying to make inter federation. It's like you don't understand the real.

No. They're doing about like a baguette, like a nice bread. It's like you don't get it. It's one of the five sauces or whatever. It will lose something if it becomes a professional. It's played by amateur jessette. Gentleman. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Maybe I have to bring that to the across the pond, do America. Soggy graham cracker. Soggy potato chip. Breakfast muffin. Yeah.

Jeffrey, you're a brilliant comedian who's been popping up on my reals quite a lot. And I hate stand-up. Yeah. I hate it too. But we thought you'd be good to get in on the CIA because you have a, we were saying before this is a topic

for the guys who wear female body inspector t-shirts. and you strike me as someone who at least owned one in my early 20s I wore like I wore like the shirts like I'm fluent in sarcasm like shirts like that yeah the chairman

well the communist party with Chairman Mao has a lampshade on his head right yeah yeah yeah exactly like how clever my shirt is you think my shirt's clever you might want to talk to me yeah did that work no no no virgin just let you teach yeah oh really 25 nice 25 not out

fucking out, 25-9-out. It's strong, actually. For this room, that's quite an innings. 25-knit. Yeah, that's brutal. Virgin and then you get your rail card revoke. That's a big year. Yeah. Your what card of? Young person's rail cards. Sorry, it's very British reference. Real, really, soggy biscuit, young person's rail card.

We're not used to having foreign guests on the show. I don't think you get a virgin rail card. You should do. I listeners would do very well. Is this our first, um, a Yankee doodle dandy on the show? Oh, really? Well, yeah, we had James McCam, but he's based in America. He's not of American. Yeah, but he's based in.

America, isn't it? Yeah, we don't, we don't count that. We're kind of trying to get rid of people like that right now. Yeah, you are a first anchor, actually. Wow. But you're from the, I sent the sense I get from your reels is that politically you're kind of, um, to the left of Bernie Sanders. Yes. Bernie doesn't take it too far. Which over here would put you sort of, sort of just George Osborne. Yeah. You'd be like a soft Tory over here. That's how right. That's how right. Is that what you guys think of us? I mean, you're right. You're correct. But no, America is, it's, it's crazy, but then you'll have a pocket in Brooklyn that is counteracts that.

The dirtiest bottoms in all time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like an anarchist communist comedy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Well, you guys don't really believe in God here anymore. No, we're godless. Because you saw a war and you're like, there's no God.

Yeah, but it's- more never came to America. It's coming back with the sort of brohacking, male podcast spheres, I think. Oh, they're religious, like Andrew Tate and all that. I think there's a Christianity's coming back because it's like you can't believe in nothing forever.

to and nothing better has come along We were in Berlin recently and we saw a lot of people who had been believing in nothing until they were 50 and then they just got very sad very quickly Yeah, Berlin in your 20s is cool Berlin approaching 40 You can't go to a sex dungeon in your 40s

Is what we were saying it was like I mean you even felt it in the Because the first time I went was in 2016 Berlin Where it was just like everyone was so gas to be there We've just been I wouldn't say gas to be I wouldn't say that Sorry

They were excited they were really Zyclon B to be there but we were saying that there's a lack of a bit of confidence has gone yes the leather

spiky choker has been one with a tiny bit more kind of is this like they got a crucifix necklace on a little bit like they're wearing the leather nappy and they're like is this what I am

is even me anymore that's what I want to do fuck you mum this is who I am and they're being walked in all fours by like and they're wearing all leather

with a dog collar and they're like oh my friends of kids. I'm 47. Do you want to come to a barbecue? No, I'm fucking being walked to

Birkine by my leather daddy. Are you right, mate? Is there something else I'm going on under there? What's going on? They feel tied up by life. They don't need to be tied up physically.

Exactly. We're a big kink shaming podcast. That's kind of obvious. Anything other than missionary is disgusting. And even missionary isn't great. No. It's best of a bad bunch really. I think something that Orthodox Jews

really got right. Many things they got right. Right. Currently, yeah. I know what you're going to say, and I'm back it 100%. I'm 100% behind what you're about to say. How they have sex, right? It's through a sheet, right? Is that them too?

The Mormons do that as well. Really? Yeah, yeah. You do have them over here? What's it called soaking? Soaking. Soaking, they put their penis in the woman, and then they just let it lay there. They don't thrust, and then they just pull it out.

Because they're saying, if we're not moving, it's not sex. So it's soaking. They let it soak in there. That's so. That's so much more... Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, get that off. Charlie, get off. I like, we need a graphic of this.

I think we didn't really need the image, actually. I think we're very... He described it perfectly. I just still don't really get it. Even for the image, the penis is small. Charlie's a big penis. It's an imaginary image. This is a British podcast.

Right, right. We've all got small dicks. Soaking. You guys don't have Mormons yet. Oh, they're big. Well, I remember, I have a vivid memory of being on a school bus and having a very, very big argument with someone who was like, no, you have to push.

your penis in and out and I was like no you don't it's stupid you just put it in and it's that that sex so I was pro-soaking you're a Mormon age 10 I was pro-soaking wow lot less work because I was like this is fucking you just do does this this is stupid you just put it in and that's it

yeah but what's the other than to be fair is it through a I do think this is somewhat of an urban myth right the she thing Irish Afir said it wasn't actually what's going on but he would say that wouldn't he they're always lying Yeah. Supposedly you have a hole for your...

It's like a cloth glory hole over your wife. It's so weird how they think they can trick God all the time. Jewish people are always trying to trick God. Don't patronize the big man. In Brooklyn, they have like these wires between buildings. And so then they claim they're still in the building so they can walk outside on Sabbath because the buildings are connected.

Like, if you think you can trick God by that, why would you believe in him? He's just like an idiot God. Ooh, I don't know what's going. Oh, hold on. Drop the shoulder. Yeah, he has no object permanence. It doesn't know anything.

Omnipotent, Omniscient. He's old as fuck. No depth perception. He's been around for ages. So this episode, we've done an episode on the early origins of the CIA. We got you in to talk about the CIA under Alan Dulles, which is really where all the mad shit happens. That's where America begins. Can we recap?

Where is Dulles from? Whereabouts is he from? What's his, he's a, I don't know. He's a like New England guy. I don't know. But they're all Yale. The early CIA were all like... Is he a male Princeton guy?

Is he a waspy guy? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic was he. Oh, he's from Watertown, New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's from, like, way northern New York. Right.

So this is like beyond Hudson. Yeah, it's like on like the St. Lawrence River, I think. So he's, he would just have like, it's just all white. It's just British, English, Welsh, Scots kind of background. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, he's my god. We're not letting an Italian at the home of the CIA.

Come on. We got a country to run here. It'd be disaster. Yeah. They can't run their own country. We're not going to learn them in ours. Precisely. You're really speaking the values of the podcast.

It's great to get differing voices on. Everyone's anti-Italian. We're very anti-Italian. It's great to have someone just saying what we're saying in a different accent. It just means a whole diversity. Yeah, exactly. It shows that you're right. Exactly.

So Dulles, so what I suppose is there an opinion in America about this particular, I mean, people obviously. I mean, in America, no one has an opinion on history because America is the dumbest. country of all time. But I guess amongst maybe the people who read who are allowed to read still. Yeah. I think people in school, like I thought he was a good guy. Like when you learn, you don't really learn negative things about America in school. So he kind of had to go beyond.

9-11 comes out of absolutely nowhere. Yeah, they're like, what? Sucker punch. Pearl Harbor, they're like, why aren't they not like us? Yeah, exactly. That is how, I mean, I remember as a kid, 9-11, yeah, everyone's like, we've been so nice to them. What are they doing?

Yeah. Why would they do that to us? But now, I mean, yeah, I just, yeah, I read the devil's chessboard, great book. What's that about? About, it's mostly about him and the more about the CIA, but. I think that's what I call up and sense my wife, doggie. The devil's chessboard. You've been at the devil's chessboard again, of Ethan?

Yeah. Ninety-five. Yeah, wow. Every thrust I just clock the timer. Logged the timer. Sex chess has got a big thing. Boxing chess is a thing. That's what a lot of them to take a lot of doing.

Boxing chess. So sex chess. You play around a boxing, then you go back to a chess board. And it's about the ultimate physical mental... What does a lot do again? They have no idea. Incredible. You guys did make Andrew Tate.

So you're not... We're not as bad. He's a patriot. He's going to try a month for the government. You gave him safe haven, to be fair. True. We did. We wouldn't house him. So, but we're talking about the CIA under Alan Dulles, who is the longest ever serving Director of Intelligence. And he's a pretty

fucking wild guy. and he's kind of supposedly he has over 100 mistresses. Yeah, he really went around, yeah. His wife and his main mistress became like best friends. Well, that's the dream. That's the dream, isn't it? And they kind of got along. He's a criminal mastermind.

Yeah. Yeah, he's, I think that's cool. That part of him is cool. And was that just through sheer repetition of like the living in each other's houses? Like what? I think they just, his wife was like, I have to be friends with the lady you fuck more than me. Otherwise, I'm going to be out of an inheritance or something like that. Yeah.

She kind of put up. I have no one else to speak to. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. This is just why the 50s, really. Yeah. Well, the 50s, you get away with so much stuff. I know.

Cheating in the 50s must have been so easy. Yeah, no one would ever catch you. No, no. You could be having sex with a woman 10 doors down, and you were like, there's 10 people in between me and her. We're safe. They'll never catch us. They'll never catch us.

They never, but she knew, his wife knew, and she didn't really care, I guess. Yeah, you know, yeah. So he had this famous quote, A man prepared to lie, cheat, and steal in order to keep what he holds close to his chest and to acquire every tool possible to defend those secrets. I guess that makes sense as to why, if you have a hundred mistresses, to keep your wife. You got to defend those secrets.

You have to defend your wife by fucking hundreds of other people. Yeah, I mean, that's a man ready to run the CIA right there. He fucking loves a coup. Yes. This guy loves it. And when he comes to power, I think, or Truman is still in power. and Truman's not, he's a bit of a weaker. He loves a kill on his chest.

He's a little liberal. Yeah. He would like have dinner with a black person at the end of the table. Okay. He's always didn't like that. He's woke nonsense. Yeah. But then Eisenhower comes in.

Yes. In 52, is it? 52, yeah. And Ike, what's the famous thing about the Ike collection? We like Ike. We like Ike. Yes. Americans love a simple rhyme.

Yeah. We'll vote for that. We like, we like, we like, we're like, he's the guy at D-D. So he's, yeah. Yeah, he's the guy who does D-Day. He's the big World War II hero. He comes in to president, and immediately he's like, yeah, let's fuck it. Let's fuck everyone up.

He's like, let's go again. And we teamed up with you on the first one. Well, you're trying to work out. It was the Spotify 10-second fade between. Between SOA. Yeah, M-I-Six into CIA. Yeah. Because we were just kind of.

You guys were fading at this point. We're coming back. Yeah, yeah. So the first one, which we did a series in the Iranian Revolution, but we're touching it again is Operation Ajax. And this is where the Anglo-Ran oil company, British Petroleum, as they now are. Is that what had changed to? Oh, Iran-Ramco, of Britain.

Yeah. They, this extremist comes to power in Iran. Radical. Elected democratically. Mohammed Mossadegh. And he announced his plans to nationalize the oil industry. Democracy is a failed experiment. Yeah.

It's not right for everything. The Iranians wanted their own money. These fucking scum. They wanted to get money off their own oil. We found the oil and we knew how to use all the machines. They would have no idea what to do with it these Iranians.

And they don't, they still don't. They still don't know what to do with it. They're drinking it. They're putting it in their tea. They don't know. What is this liquid you're putting in your cars? I don't understand. They nationalized the oil industry

or he says he's going to and immediately the Brits are like, no, no, no, no, no. Well, we're on our knees post World War II. Churchill's come back in. No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, he came back from one term. That's right.

We've had cut Clement Attlee, so we're like, get the alpha dog back in. Yeah. And he's immediately, like, obviously we're not going to lose, like, some of the only money we're making at the moment. And then I think our guy, Kermit War Roosevelt, it was like Teddy Roosevelt's grandson. He probably is trying to go, like, get out of that rep his whole life.

He's got to be, like, a tough coup guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because his name's Kermit. Yeah, so they orchestrate a coup to, I mean, the CIA at this point, this is the first covert operation. And Dulles is all about covert. We're operating in the shadows. Right.

We're not doing a big, big war again. They, like, do it, then they admit it 20 years later. Yeah. But you guys do have an amazing thing with secrets. The thing about American history part of it is you can get most of it. It's like all of the stuff gets declassified. It gets declassified. We've got a secrets act.

Oh, you guys don't declassify here? We had to log in to watch porn now. I saw that. I saw that. Did you? That's funny. You've been here a day. Yeah.

I thought out about it pretty quickly, actually. I didn't know. On the airplane. What's this? Foreigners can't access porn, I guess. Really? Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to do it. Right.

Is there a dick in hand trying to put my ID in? Oh, that's humiliating, yeah. Had to soak. You actually have to send photos. Do you? Yeah, to send a photo. You have to send a cum shot? Yeah.

What do you have to do to get access to port now? You have to put your bank details in. Your bank details? Yeah, yeah. Sort code account. You have to basically use your bank app to verify your age. But it's free. It's free, but it just means that you're an adult, definitely.

Yeah, it's not going to do. It just puts a roadblock when you're, like when you're just like sweating with a boner you have to like get your card out and like that's so funny humiliating it's horrible why you guys aren't religious at all why did you do that charlie actually needs help to get a bank account so he's he's being verified by this is helping him yeah he's legitimate adog to get a bank account representative of porn hub says we've we've worked with this guy for many years he must be an adult he's been watching for 20 years he has been a adult this guy does exist he should have a bank account so charlie's actually got on the housing ladder because of

porn hub so it's kind of the other way around for him where your life around. In order to get properly certified with the passport is because he was swanking so much. I have found it's been quite helpful. There's been two two cums that I've not had. Why say it like that? Why say it horny?

Yeah, that was disgusting. Two comes. Two comes. Two comes I haven't had because of this. Oh yeah, it was too much of a hassle. There was too much of a hassle. It was a little cums I never had. I gave up. You just have to use your mind. Yeah, I didn't even bother.

So Eisenhower But Eisenhower's like, I'm fully, I'm all in, let's fuck shit up. Eisenhower apparently has to be talked down from sending nuclear bombs into Korea. Yeah, he wanted a new Korea, yeah. And wouldn't you say Eisenhower, as far as U.S. presidents go, he gets pretty easy ride. 50s seems like a pretty, like, unbumpy type. That's what we're going. That's what make America great again.

They want to go back to the 50s. But Eisenhower doesn't get any much heat for his foreign policy. He's not really a controversial president. Well, a lot of lefty people like him because in his farewell address, he did like the anti-military industrial complex. Did he coin that phrase? Yeah, right when he was going out, he's like, by the way, there's this secret cabal

that's kind of running our country and we got to dismantle it. But then he was also the guy who made it. So it's a really means nothing. When you're leaving the cabal, it's very easy to just call them out. Let's define what the military industrial complex is. Because it's thrown around a lot. Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

Pass the bong. How deep is this thing go? Past the big green dragon bong. What is the definition of the military industrial complex? What do you think it is? I've heard it a lot. Do they say it in Britain, too? Yeah, we all, yeah.

We have the paedophile industrial complex. We've industrialized. The British people need pedophiles being reported on at all times in order to like feel like they're moving forward. And so we have to find them. We have to accuse anyone in the public eye. You got Gary Glitter.

Who is that radio guy? It's a cultural thing. It's a pedophile industrial complex. If there hasn't been one of the news for a while, someone has to get accused. There needs to be a non who's being tried at any one time or else the whole country collapses.

Basically, yeah. So the military industrial complex well, this is, describes a close relationship between a country's armed forces, the defence industry that supplies them and the political and economic actors who benefit from the relationship. So the idea is that you're growing

an air of the economy in order to like provide... Based on war. It's like if you're out of war, your economy will kind of collapse. Right, right, right. Like Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon in America,

they basically control politics. Yeah. They like spend millions of dollars bribing the politicians to constantly raise the military budget. And if you always sound like you've just done 12 hours on YouTube watching conspiracy videos before? Here's the thing. I was at Oasis yesterday. I don't always sound like this. I was enjoying some British art. Sorry.

The one time I'll enjoy British art for the rest of my life. This is perfect for this episode. I just wanted to set the scene. I do sound like I've been smoking cigars for 20 years. Yeah. But the funny thing about this era, as much as it is very weed smoky, it's not this QAnon thing like the lizards are running it's stuff that happened yeah i mean it's in the open it's not like secret yeah i think the conspiracy theories of this era we now know what actually happened and they were it was they're not really conspiracy theories no they just happened well that's what always happens they deny it and then 20 years later they're like oh actually here's a document

whoopsie we did do it we did invade ira but now the conspiracy theories it feels like the left wing and right wing conspiracy left wing conspiracy theories are like you know i feel the CIA uh started a coup in Chile because they admitted it, right? And then right when conspiracy theories are like, frogs are turning everyone gay. Yeah, there's a pedo network in this pizza place. There's two different forms of conspiracy theory. I don't know what you're issued.

Jews are lizards. Yeah, yeah. It's all mad. It's all of it's mad. We just, no one's come out and said the Jews are lizards yet, officially. That's what we're waiting for one day.

When the papers are released. Declassifies. Oh, they're bought out of eggs, right? Fine. When the prodigals of Zion 2 or whatever, What's that, what's that the, isn't that the elder scrolls of, what's that, what's it called? Proocals of Zion. Is it Prodicles of Zion?

Isn't that like, that's like the main Jewish conspiracy document? We might be an anti-Semite out. That's Crash Bandicoot, Charlie. Sorry, he's, he can't see or hear. Protocols of Zion. Oh, yeah, the protocols of the elders, it's a made-up text that the Jews are plotting. Oh, right. But they still think it's true.

But Alan Dulles finds out this is a, this is fake. He actually tried to stop it. Yeah. He did a good thing, yeah. So this is a, like, this is one of the original anti-semaid conspiracy theories in the, what, 30s, the 20s, right? And Alan Dulles. The Russians made it, I believe. Originally, it's been like 5,000 years of Antis.

Yeah, I know. But this is the first one we had evidence. This is when we were like, oh, we were right to hate them. It's the first one that's not true. Yeah. But Alan Dulles actually proved that this was a fake or bollocks or something. Well, and then he told the government to admit it was a forgery, and they're like, no, we don't want to actually come out and say it's fake. No.

Because we kind of like stoking the Jew hate a little. too much power. Anyway, so Eisenhower and Dulles team up for the first time in Iran. And it's a success. And they use Kermit Roosevelt to, um, they get rid of Mosaddegh by like, basically pay like thousands of protesters to like fake that they hate him. Yeah. And then they get the Shari. They get a flash mob. Yeah, they do kind of think of a flash mob. They're playing bohemian rhapsody in the streets of Tehran. And he's like, enough. I hate this song. Why is it seven minutes old? Mama

And then Then the Shah Comes back from his Holobobs finally And gets installed And this, because it's a success They're basically like Well, let's just fucking do this

Yeah, this is like They're like celebrating Yeah, they nailed it They nailed it Yeah It's a short term success When then they It caused the Iranian revolution

Yeah Yeah To be fair to do around I didn't want to say It was ages ago Yeah Do you know what I mean It's like

It's great Satan Little Satan And they're talking about And we, fine, UK and US, bad, what we did there. Wrong. That was unfair. But you guys do need to get over it a little bit. It was ages ago.

That doesn't mean the Iranian Revolution was right. Yeah. Well, we wouldn't have BP. Yeah, but yeah. Yeah, it's true. So blah, blah, blah. Mossadegh is an extremist. He's dealt with.

So what I now like about Dulles is that now there's a blueprint for a successful coup. And he goes for it. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day. the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better? Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking, and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment

original podcast. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. He's like, If anyone says they're like, we're neutral in the Cold War, kill him. Kill him. He's doing masterclass videos of how to do a code. Yes. So Dulles is the guy that, you know, the era that the CIA's brought into is like the start of the Cold War is paranoid. All bets are off. Yeah.

They've taken a bunch of Dulles has been instrumental in taking Nazi scientists and all the, all the unit. Operation paperclip. Yeah. Unit 731. We were the really, really fruity Japanese guys. which we'll do a whole series on. You heard about this other than... They were doing the same mingle of stuff in Japan.

Really? But it's like on steroids. It's crazy. It's a naughty science. You know, I'm a big fan of naughty science. I'm an amateur phrenologist. Human sushi sort of stuff. Human sushi, to say the least of it.

Then they can... Amateur phrenologist? I'm an amateur phrenologist, yeah. What is my headshakes say about me? I need some calipers to actually measure. We're actually going to start phrenologizing every... Is it for... Can you phrenologize?

I think so. Yeah, we're going to prologize all I guess, because we're going to tell you what race you are. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to know. And sexuality as well. I'd love to know what I can say. We'll have, we'll get that.

Well, you unlock the race and it just tells you the rest, I think. Okay. That's the point of, that's the point of phrenology, one of the tenets of phonology. It's quite simple. It's root one. Yeah. So the next, so the blueprint of the coup has worked. And then, this is my, personally, this is my favorite.

It's Guatemala in 54. Guatemala, Arbenz or whatever, right? Yeah. So Guatemala and have you, no. This is the fruit. This is the fruit related to a united fruit company. Yeah. So am I right in thinking that Dulles was on the board of the United Fruit Company?

He worked for like a consultant of them. Yeah. What does that even mean? He like worked for a law firm that represented them. So basically there's this thing called the United Fruit Company, which is what I call gay pride. Yes. The LGBTQ community. It's good stuff.

The LGBTQ community, the United Fruit Company. The gay agenda. They own something like 52% of Guatemala's land to grow. bananas on right because they're gay um they're all just sucking on them down and 26% i think is is like not being used at all so the company owns half of guatemal and agricultural and like everyone in guatemal's dirt poor yeah yeah arbenz is like maybe we'll give them that land so he's a he's a he's a good land it's like pretty midland yeah it's land you can't grab banana on yeah which is not land worth living on in my opinion um and arbenz is democratically elected so i think guatemala had a had a had a

of right-leaning, yeah, I can't remember his name it before that. And then, but this is where we, is it here or Honduras where we get the term Banana Republic? It's here, I think, right? I think it's a lot of them.

I think we did pretty much everyone. It's Banana Republic. I think the Banana Republic was before this, I think. Have you been to Guatemala? I am not, but my aunt lives in Costa Rica, but no, I've never been. That's Malala, not Guatemala.

That is Malala. Guatemala. Guatemala. Guatemala. Right. There's even a joke, though. No. I don't know. What?

I just wondered if she's ever been, because then it'd be my, Malala in Guatemala. Guatemala. Guatemala eating bananas in Guatemala? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, good stuff. Yeah, not amazing.

Well, someone who can't see or here. It's doing pretty well. What is a banana republic? Is that, um, it gets thrown around. Another turn they get thrown around a lot. It's basically that, like, a company kind of controls a company, but our country. Do you guys have Banana Republic, the clothing store here? Yeah.

Do, do, that's a big thing in America. I just saw, I just saw you do the right, do it to Russell Crowe, beautiful mind thing. It'll make sense. we have like it's in like malls in America they sell like kind of trend it's not that big anymore but it was big like 20 years ago so anyway banana republic is a country where essentially its politics is entirely at the mercy

of one of foreign companies the controller but it doesn't have to be bananas it could be done not but it's so it was mostly bananas it's so funny that like a civil war is provoked because the America's like those are our bananas bananas we need it's basically

America's banana allotment and no one in America eats fruit how you know what we're fighting for but they need they need a backyard to grow their bananas in so democratic socialist so like you know Tony Blair levels of centrism right

Jacob Arbenz is elected as president in 51 and the American companies United Fruit are incredibly worried by this because I think in this nutcase it's going to take a while a banana so they own 42% of the land the United Fruit Company right and Arbenz begins to national

redistributed to the peasants and Arbenz it doesn't it's not land seizure he's a criminal he gives money he gives money

to the United Fruit Company based off like what it's worth the tax revenue yeah and it's so he offers $1.2 million which obviously

in 53 is a lot loads and the United Fruit Company go we'd need 16 million I don't know where they get in that they said 16 million

Jesus so Arbons goes no and then Dulles goes right I've got a playbook here I've got a blueprint for this so because he Dulles, to be fair to him, is a member of the gay community.

He served on the board of the United Fruit Corps. Right. And America, they need... Well, you'd like to be a board member. You just don't want to be... No, non-executive control. So Dulles, yeah, this is all kind of stinks because he serves on the board. Fucking stinks.

And his brother... Yeah, man, this is real weird smoking. I think his brother... Can you look up John Foster Dulles? John Foster, yeah. Is he something to do? Yeah, he's the leader of what the Secretary of State, I think.

Yeah, he's a big deal. He's in the government. Yeah, he's like, they're the main... was he said yeah secretary of state so there's literally a conspiracy of two brothers two brothers to keep to keep America having cheap bananas yes yes and these are all waspy

these are all the whites of the white America this is about when it was a gentleman's club these are people who have bananas for breakfast you can't take their banana breakfasts away these guys are eating musely need something to chop on top of it banana and brown toast yeah um which is a Protestant breakfast they're not eating you know Catholic breakfast

in fact I've said this before fruit loops in Sicily they have Greeter which is fucking ice cream for breakfast. That's Catholic shit. Of course you're asleep by 11 a.m. You're fucked. You're eating literally like fruit-flavored sugar for breakfast.

Yeah. Nonsense. America. We live it. We do hate Catholics in America. Yeah. That is true. What are you? You're a Catholic guy. I'm a Catholic, German Catholic.

Oh, right. Oh, dear. We've only had two Catholic presidents, though we really haven't done well. Yeah. So what are your family go back to Astmus? This is German. It's Bavarian, I believe. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's where it all began. that's where of our hero. The patient's hero. I mean, German and Catholic, it's kind of like contradictory. But when it meets,

it gets a good thing. It gets really spicy. Every once in a while, they get it right. Because you're falling asleep at 11-N, but then you're waking up immediately to go to work. Like, it's a confusing.

Your body clock must be all over the place. Oh, yeah. You're doing up and downers at the same time. It's fucking Coke and weed. It's crazy. But you've got the anti-Semitism to keep you going. Yeah, exactly.

That's the glue. That's the glue. That's the energy, yes. The United Fruit start this. it's still funny I'll laugh three more times at that their public relations officer who is married to Eisenhower's private secretary

makes a film called Why the Kremlin Hates Bananas so trying to turn it into a like American capitalist They hate bananas So they then pay journalists to go and visit United Fruit Company's sites in Guatemala So like service station toilets And praise the company And then they start dropping all these leaflets

So looking through glory halls. Yeah. Can you get a banana through here? They then call Arben's a communist. Sure. And then, oh yeah, they set up a radio station in Nicaragua and in Florida called the Voice of Liberation. Oh, that's like blasting propaganda, classic move. Yeah.

And they claim, so they're trying to trick people. People are so thick at this point. They don't realize that it's not Guatemalan. He just put a Guatemalan in Miami and he's just staying. And they're like, he must be from here. Yeah, exactly. He's clearly one of us. Yeah.

blah blah blah essentially they then Arbenz then gets a bit to be fair to him he then gets a bit paranoid

and so he announced billions of dollars have been poured against him so he announced a 30 day suspension of liberties

and then that's basically exactly what the US because then they're like we love democracy we can't have that we're free freedom loving

banana eaters yeah and this this commie dirty dirty bottom socialist is going to take our bananas away from us. So then they initiate operation P.B. success.

Really arrogant of them. Yeah, an insane time. They already knew. What does P.B. stand for? Yeah, I don't know. Did it come up in your week? I don't remember what P.B. stood for. Power bottom.

Power bottom success. Power bottom success. It stands for the Republic of Guatemala. Does it? That doesn't make quite sense. AI might be off on this one. That might be the code name they used. Maybe they call it.

It has got us. I have no idea what they're talking about. And we're good. We know what United Free really means. We can see through this stuff. We've been up all that watching YouTube. It goes right up the ass. It goes right up the ass.

It goes all the way to the top. Of the ass. Goes all the way to the duodenum. All the way. So, Arbenz basically gets driven out by CIA-backed forces. Yeah. And then this guy, Carlos Castillo Armas,

took power and six years later a 36 year civil war ensues killing over nearly a quarter of a million people. That's how you stop communism. That's the price of... To be fair, America worked back into a corner here. Yeah. You know, it wasn't idea what happened,

but America, their hands were tired. What are we going to have for breakfast? What are we going to do? We need bananas. Sorry, 240,000 humans had to die. But also, if there's a civil war over bananas, how much of a country really are you? You don't have bananas?

Well, no, I just mean if bananas are this much of a big deal. Do you deserve to be a country? Yeah. Shouldn't we just take you over anyways? Well, I'm just like, guys, chill out. Because obviously the CIA put a guy in charge or whatever, who's not a nice man. I mean, he's got a Hitler tash. He does.

That's crazy. It could be a chaplain. Sorry. Could be a chaplain tash. In 54, no, if 54 you got this. In 54, you got this tash. I didn't see that. That's wild.

That's pretty, you know. That's pretty stuff. That's like doing blackface in 2016. I mean, that's like, you're really... You're on the line now, that. You're leaning into it. Yeah. But I just think if bananas are this much of a big deal...

He pulls it off, though. Yeah, he rocks it. If bananas are this much of a big deal, I just think, like... It should diversify your economy. Your economy should have multiple platforms, yeah. That's a mistake. Yeah, melons. Melons.

Maybe melons, maybe a grape. Yeah, something. So this is very naughty from America. But Dulles basically... Dulles views the operation of success, obviously. And he lies about all the killing to Eisenhower and says, it's a bloodless coup. And Eisenhower was just like, great, love it.

Well, he was just like a drunk playing golf during his presidency. Yeah, he was like a really near the second term, so maybe not actually at this point. So he's fought in the World War II. So he's just sort of like, his retirement was the presidency. Yeah, like bloody. He's seen the bloodiest.

He's like, oh, you killed 100 people. I don't know of shit. But has he actually seen the, because he was the... Well, he wasn't there, yeah. No, I mean, he's tied out from the war. So his retirement was been president. So is he like the original Trump, he's just playing golf? He was, yeah.

At the end, he'd just play golf and got hammered, and that's all he cared about. It's like two of years. But that's what every dad in the 50s did, right? It sounds like a good life. I think so. I mean, even Obama likes the 50s. I heard Obama and a podcast saying, we need to go back to the 50s, just not with the racial element. That's his pitch.

Would you disagree with one part of that? I'd say the first half that sentence is excellent. And that's when he gets extreme. If you let him talk for too long, you'll say something insane. Yeah. He's a communist. He doesn't want to be a caddy. Yeah.

Obama won't ever refuse to say a cat. daddy the way he was meant to be. I didn't make the members club rules. Yeah. That's the rules at Augusta. My granddad did. Yeah. And he's my granddad.

And there's his rules. So the CIA then conveniently lose all the documents detailing all the assassination targets. Sure. Because this is actually, like the whole covert thing is basically all Dulles, right? Yeah. Like he's the one who. Well, and he has the, he's allied with all the newspapers too.

So he knows like the guy who owns the New York Times. in every paper so he tells them to not publish certain stuff. So that's why no one ever knows about this. Doesn't he also, there's some kind of congressional, he stops the CIA being

hung up. Joseph McCarthy. Yeah, he's like, don't look at the CIA because he would have been because he had a huge Nazi dealing. Yeah, he was. So Jeffrey, our listeners are very, very thick and ugly and fat and smelly. Many of them, we don't.

don't live independently. Can you just tell us what McCarthyism was? McCarthy, it's like they thought there was the red scare and the lavender scare. They thought there were communists at every part of the government. What was the lavender scare? That was that they thought there were gay people in all parts of the land-scar. It's a separate one. Yeah. And they thought they were gay people all over. That's why they called communist pinkos because they thought communism was gay. I mean, they're not, you live in Brooklyn. Yeah. It's not wrong. It's not crazy.

They're not wrong. It's just so hand in hand. That's true. There's not a stink of stuff going on over there. They both got dirty bottoms. They're all sharing each other's asses. Yeah, that's how it goes. Yeah. So there was they like they, yeah, they took down like thousands of government employees for being like, for saying like one communist thing in college or

yeah, but what's a communist thing? Like can you pass the soul or something? Yeah. It's just like the most paranoid period in America. They like jazz. Everyone is, uh, you know, against the state. It's where it's where straight, you know, straight dads and suits are doing an insane amount of drugs.

for research purposes. Right. So everyone probably is insanely paranoid. Yeah. They are, yeah. They knew a guy he did the waltz with a Puerto Rican in college, so now he has to, he's a communist.

Yeah. Blacklisted. Yeah, exactly. Not great. So there's Indonesia, which I don't know much about, but.

Oh, the Indonesian one. Well, I think that's what the act of killing is about. You've seen the documentary? I haven't seen that one. Yeah. Well,

they re-they get the people who start, who were like, did reenact it? Yeah. Are you serious? No, it's the greatest documentary of all time. Basically, there was this awful genocide in Indonesia that hasn't been discussed or even, like, worked through. It's like, they killed all the communists, right?

They killed all the communists. And it was like a capitalist, like, kind of right wing. I guess it's disgusting if you're on the wrong side of history. But then there's been no, like, public talking about it. There's no one's been brought to justice. So all of the people who, like, like, killed family members and, like, would, like, line people up and kill thousands of people, they're still in positions of power. they're still walking around town and so they follow a couple of them

who are obsessed with like American gangster films they love it they think you know cowboys fucking sopranos Scarface that shit and they basically to gee them up and say let's re-create your heroic killings like and like make it like a gangster film and they don't realize they're being like duped they don't realize and then through this process of reenacting it

you see them finally come to terms of the fact that they're and it's like the most thing it's absolutely incredibly incredible. Is it a bit like the Fred Durst documentary? What's the Fred Durst? Is it Fred Durst or Robert Durst? Robert Durst.

Robert Durst. Yeah, yeah. Fred Durst is the lead singer of Limp Biscuit. Right, not his. I was like, I don't know where this is going. Limbiscuit, that's another game

you guys play here. Limpisket is when you lose. You have to eat the limb. That's where you're soaking and playing soggy biscuit at the same time. Robert Dirst. The jinks.

The jinks. The jigs is great. That's a fucking amazing documentary. Where he emits at the end. They catch him on hot. He's in the shower on a hot mic going, Oh, of course, I didn't. I killed them.

I killed them all. And he still didn't go to jail for like eight years. So the jinx is an amazing documentary about this guy, Robert Durst, who I think is like a real estate. Real estate. His family were real estate moguls, and he's like the pariah son of this family in New York City. I don't want to watch this documentary,

so I don't want any more spoilers. We did kind of just spoil it, but it actually well matter. It's so good. He's a serial killer, maybe. Maybe. Maybe. He chopped up his neighbor. he lived with this allegedly allegedly allegedly his neighbor was found dismembered and thrown in a river

and he said he dismembered him but he said i found him dead already yeah and i just had to cut him up and somehow that defense worked he's a meat packer he's a meat packer yeah yeah it's just fun to practice butchery yeah it's like falling a cardboard box i didn't leave the cardboard box if we get back on the cia sorry yeah um so in indonesia um now i don't know how much of this is to do with the CIA, but in the 50s, there's a party that's like the PQI, which is the Communist Party. Do you know about Indonesia?

I know the Sukarno guy wins, but then they, and then in like, I think it's like 57 or something, he says some generals. He's like, you're plotting to kill me. And then he kills like six generals. And then the military goes crazy and kills every single communist.

Yeah, but then it doesn't, it's not communists. It's never communist. It's like any, even remotely against him. partly, but then it's like it gets put in the hands of local Because Indonesia is like thousands of islands

It shouldn't be a country Yeah, it shouldn't be a country Yeah And so you have people who are just taking out scores Like these people in the act of killing Right They're just killing anyone So it's just an absolute

It just becomes this power vacuum You're just killing their enemies On the island and stuff You can be a communist It's a broad term isn't it Like if you like poetry, communist Yeah Exactly well I mean

You'd do great actually And it No I would hunting down when I was listening about what they didn't chili about electrocuting poets I was like to be fair that sounds fucking excellent

no more slam poetry I know that'd be great that's not a bad world spoken word imagine that got to spoken word night ideal I'm at the back with the cattle prod going Go on go on then

Finish your fucking little slam poetry These poets who don't rhyme Kill them It has to rhyme Come on It has to if it doesn't rhyme What is it? It's out

It's out Is this poetry right now If it doesn't rhyme It needs to rhyme It is right It is This isn't poetry This is

This is a podcast. Who's talking about? Livid. So what's this? This is the 1958 PRR Permester Revolt. It's an overt CIA-backed rebellion intended to engineer a coup in Indonesia. It fails spectacularly once American involvement became public. It was sort of like the cold play kiss cam with the CIA with the CEO.

They got card holding hands. No, if they hadn't reacted. They would have been fine. You would have been fine. No one would have ever looked at it. It's a lesson. It really is. Yeah.

Double down. Commit to your mistress. bike, don't CEOs just allowed and mistress? Yeah.

Don't think everyone knows it how is this a shock. Company mistress. Yeah. Company mistress. This is what I mean

in the 50s. Company car company bike. Ride him whenever you want. Exactly. Do you reckon he was playing devil's chess

board behind it? That's what. No, but I mean, as we're saying in the 50s you'd get rid of this stuff. I think a CEO

cheating on his his wife is getting caught on a fucking caught in a grainie cam at a Brooklyn Dodgers is Jackie Robinson. Yeah. God, the 50s were great.

It just looked like the best time to be a blow. For everyone. Good comedy, too. So there's a failed coup in February 58, which is then blah, blah, blah. The CIA are still planning it. I think they bombed Indonesia. Yeah, they did some bombing.

That's all I know is they bombed them. I don't know exactly why. American involvement was meant to be a secret, but was discovered when pilot Alan Pope was shot down over Ambon. Incredible. We documents tying him to the CIA. So this is like when that guy left the documents in a pub or like on the train. There's all those MI6 guys that are always leaving.

Oh, really? They just get too drunk. So Alan Pope shot down. He has his military ID for the US Air Force on him, which is insane. He probably has a thing saying this is a secret CIA operation. Yeah, don't read the secret files. Although he's a white guy in Indonesia, a little bit of a, they couldn't have found an Indonesian guy to do it. My dad lives in Indonesia, so he's a white guy.

But now a white guy's in Indonesia, there's loads of them. But back then, this guy was a trailblazer. He was Christopher Columbus in Indonesia. That's how racist the CIA was. They couldn't be like, we could train an Indonesian guy to do this. And it would make more sense. Like, no, we got to have a wet guy. Only a white guy could fly a plane.

I love the entitlement. So then communist activists used the West intervention as a main reason. And then it all basically just sort of kicks off. Oh, and that leads to the slaughter then. I think so. Because then the generals then go, right, the commies are coming. It's essentially, if. you can't, you know, because you say this is

how much you can trace the slaughter to the American, they're not making it better. They're going in there and being like, well, let's see what happens if you do this. They shake it up kind of and just like see. But it's amazing how all of these things, the ramifications for the country is once the CIA leaves. It's like, yeah, 40 years of civil war.

It starts a chain reaction that never seems to end. Yeah, but at some point you have to say, take responsibility. It's just a banana. Chill out. I do think like fighting over, killing your neighbors over bananas is insane. Yeah, fair enough. They are good.

But this is the, I know. Would you say this is the finest time to be part of the CIA? Because I guess maybe no one's had more global power ever at this point than being in the CIA being able to do this in the America. In the 50s, yeah. But also, they are all, they're all on LSD. And we're going to do project, um, and culture, um, in a patron episode. But by this point, a lot of the CIA are on LSD all the time.

Anyway, we, let's do Lumumba. Lamumba is, oh man, there's a fucking incredible Politico article about this whole thing. So, Lumumba is the first democratically elected Congolese president. This article is incredible. I recommend it to everyone. It's incredibly funny. I mean, what happens is obviously bad, but it's very, very funny. It's a funny article.

It's a very, very funny article. So, um, Belgium, Belgium have left the Congo after doing big poohs everywhere, really bad stuff. done the Belgian Congo? Not yet. People are very throthing at the mouth for us to get to that. Well, Belgian, short term, basically, Belgium were trying to make up for a lost time. They didn't have any colonies.

So they got one and they're like, we've got to fill like 300, 300 years. When they got the biggest one, it's the biggest colony. Yeah. And it's got all the minerals. All the minerals. And so at this point,

it used to have all the people, but not anymore. Yeah. Basically, the worst. The worst conditions of any colony ever. Yeah. The Belgians were the worst. Yeah. Which is a British man.

It is funny. It's like Belgium, like you had one, you were the worst when you had one go. Yeah. But I guess that's because they didn't have

anything else to distract them. Yeah. Yeah. They put all their evil, all their malice. Belgians are fucking weird. You mean to Belgium, Jeffrey?

I have not. I know they got that Walloon French thing. They're always fighting. You're French. You're French. Don't they have a big fight between the two ethnicities?

Like the Walloons and the Dutch or whatever are fighting? Dutch are the same where it's like tiny countries that split into five parts that speak different languages. It's like you're, you're all one country. Hasn't Belgium, like, not had a government for, like, eight years?

It's like an anarchy or something. They're ungovernable people. Yeah, there's something going on there. You can do the whole country in two hours. Bruges is nice for 20 minutes. Half an hour you do Bruges. And then you're out. You're done.

Yeah. Anyway, so the Belgians leave Congo in a bit of a pickle. They go out quickly. This is... They leave, like, right away. They leave, like, three months. They don't give them any time to plan, if I remember. No, this is, so this is 1960.

They completely fuck them up and then pull out. Essentially, African-de- colonization happens so quickly because all the other colonies are decolonized and it feels even though Africa is in a much worse state they're like well politically we need to get out of here which sort of means stuff like this

happens where it just goes fucking in bananas so well there's no bananas that's the difference that's Scratomala anyway so Patrice Lumumba is elected as the nation's new leader but very quickly the country descends into arms rioting because there's no democracy at all because they gave

them no they took away all the like intelligentsia so they had no one there's like a they didn't let belgians read I can't believe I'm saying this there is a Belgian brain where all the Belgians leave and some that's how bad Congo is like if all the Belgians left Britain now we'd be better off if all the Belgians left Belgium they'd be better off

exactly be a better country yeah yeah empty marshland and that's how bad Congo is that the Belgians leave and they go we're on the brink of collapse yeah so um there's lots of racial tensions with the white Belgians who have stayed in Congo So July, in July 1960, Lumumba goes to the US. But Congo's not properly a country yet. So the US haven't, there's no like state like response to the visit.

So basically he arrives and they're like, what, what are you doing here? Because Eisenhower was on like a, I think he's going to the Republican Congress because I think it's nearly the election year. So he's on the trade, campaign trail. And he's like, well, I'm a fucking meeting him. Who is he? Because they're just like, who's this guy? Yeah. And then so they managed to roll.

out a red carpet and they on the morning they make the congolese flag because they've got no idea what the flag is right he's then just like right i'm i'm here for meetings i need some i need some aid because we got no money to we can't keep um we can't keep up to our payroll he can't pay government payroll so he's looking for funding and the american just like who the fucks this guy so they put him in a cab and then um he basically uh he thinks he's going to meet eisenhower and the secretary of state of defense in the end he just goes shopping He goes shopping, he looks at the Washington Memorial, and he just does a sort of tourist trip.

A little tourist trip. And then they stick him with some senator, and he's just asking for money for helicopters, for cars. And they're like, nah. But they're quite impressed with him. They say, oh, he's not an extremist. He seems quite, you know, he's articulate, he's clever. He goes home.

And then Dulles goes, no, he's communist, let's kill him. Let's kill him. And Eisenhower. Or I can kill him. I reckon him actually. What time of the day is that? Is that break for lunch after let's kill him? Yeah.

When's he said, let's kill him? Yeah, probably right after lunch When you get that food coma Yeah, let's kill him I'm going to take a nap I reckon it's 1259 And they're starving And they're like

Right, kill him Let's get him, let's get him, lunch Because the Congo has All the minerals That you need to make a nuclear bomb Yes And they didn't want Yeah, go on

They didn't want the USR to Yes Because then he turns to the USR For to get Because the Americas have said Fuck off So he turns out So the only other people

Who are giving that money That's what's so funny Is that he's gone to the American to America to ask for help and they've because they've gone fuck off it's just like a self-fulfilling profit so he goes shopping and then ask the US for for the USSR for help and then they go

well he's a communist we need to kill him yeah like it's crazy yeah um anyway so he goes it's funny because where Congo is it's in such a fuck state it's like this is beyond capitalism or communism where they're at they're not it's Belgianism that's the problem yeah they don't have it's not ideology it's like

they're not even at that state where they can even discuss ideology, it's like... It's not even a, it's a failed state. Yeah, exactly. So the Congo basically becomes this sort of proxy war site with Soviets and Americans, but Americans are funding anti-Lamber. They're funding the army.

What's that province? Katanga or whatever. Oh, yeah, what's that? That's like, that's the mineral-rich province in the South, and they're like, we don't want to be part of Congo either because they make all the money. So then the America allies with them, this guy, Moses. I don't know.

Oh, Mobutu. Is that his name? No, no, this is Moses, T-S-O-M-B. I don't know how you say that word. I don't want to. Oh, you can give it a go here. No one's flagging pronunciation. No one's flagging pronunciation in this point.

What did he did? What does Moses Chombie do? Well, he was like the guy. He was full and funding like a separatist movement. So America's like, we like this guy. Yeah. That's kind of who we allied with a little bit. And Mobutu too.

Yeah. Anyone but Lumumba. So initially they try, the CIA's, so I think this is the first and maybe only a time that a US president has directly ordered a foreign leader to be assassinated because Eisenhower I think by this point in 1960 he just wants to play golf

he's done he's like yeah he's James Bond's first kill in Casino Royale is Eisenhower no no no Lumumba but you know that the scene in Casino Royal it opens Is that within like the construction area No it's in the it's in the toilet

Oh yeah And he has his first kill in France No no France is a toilet It's in a toilet Oh sorry right okay Yeah, that's kind of the beginning of his first kill and that's like he's on that road. So this is the beginning of them assassinating people, basically.

So the CIA initially they think we're going to poison Lumumba's toothpaste. Yeah. But this doesn't come to fruition. Essentially what they then do is just to use propaganda and urine delegations and all funding his political opponents orchestrate this sort of mass media campaign. Lubb was gay. Yeah, they're probably a little gay, sure.

He's gay. They do actually, in the in the article, all the Americans do call him smell. Patrice. They just called him stinky. Stinky Patry. So they just start,

Louis Armstrong goes there as well. Why? I think, well, this is another thing. This isn't related to the coups, but what the CIA do is

the CIA realized that America doesn't have any culture. Yes. So they then fund cultural tours of Europe to try and show people that they do have high culture. So the Boston Symphony Orchestra

go. to play in Europe. We're clearly better than communism. We have an orchestra. But the thing is, Russia's got the Bolshoi and got all this rich history and can write novels,

whereas America is obviously just a Big Mac and fucking, you know, watching NASCAR. We got Steinbeck. We got Steinbeck. Yeah,

yeah. That's all we got. That's all we got Steinbeck and that's it. So what they do is, even fucking MoMA is CIA funded. Do you know that? Really?

Yeah. That makes, I believe that. That's not a bad thing, cultural funding. That's what lefties like, right? But it's just fair.

nice it's like keep it fringe fund it's like a fringe is probably a sire up an MI6 sci up it's like the MI6 funding the fringe and we've got to get

the wackiest clowns we need an hour story about you getting molested that I'll get the people yeah because the paedophile industrial competition exactly exactly so anyway

the CIA blah blah they essentially just ride it up and then Lumumba's captured by the army and then I think he gets done by a Belgian

Congolese Well, they send him to, they let, they let him get captured, and then they send him to Katanga in the south, which is basically it's on country for a while. Yeah. And then they torture him and shoot him in the woods or something. But a Belgian, like, mercenary, kills him, I think. Fuck out. So another big boo-boo. A big boo-boo.

The Belgians, yeah, they won't give up. And then so that's in 1960. And Dulles has, so this is coming to the end of his tenure because the Bay of Pigs and 61 is what finishes him off. Yeah. But we should probably do a bit of. We talked about Castro a little bit in Cuba, in the Cuban Missile Christ episode. But in terms of...

They got the taste for assassinations. Yeah. So they've been... Castro had been in since, what, 58? 59. 59. Yeah, one of the two. So, and Jeffrey, just give us our listeners...

And this is Code Red for America. Because obviously, they'd sort and shit out in Africa, Guatemala, but Cuba's right. Right there. Cuba's right there. They got their own sandwich in America. So they're really fucking scared about it. Yeah, give us a taste of what the Cuban panic. You know, cute, I think they had a dictator named Full

Gensio Batista, bad guy, killing everyone. Then they revolted Castro, took him down. I think we actually liked Castro for a bit because he, we didn't like the Batista guy either because he was a little too evil even for America. Yeah. But then Castro came to America and no one would let him stay in their hotel. And so he, and except for this black Harlem one. And then like, so the black people really loved him and America didn't like that.

If black people like something, it must be bad. Yeah. Yeah, and so then that's what we started trying to kill him was after he, he had like a huge speech at the UN where he made us look kind of like fools too, I think. What is it? He's a very charismatic guy. Definitely.

Women love him. He was like, he fucks everyone. I mean, they sent, um, didn't he just like send a virgin from every village? They sent a female assassin to try and kill him, and they ended up just fucking. Oh, that's so cool. That's awesome.

She's got like, I can't do it. I can't do it. Damn, that's cool. kind of fascinating. Looking at all these CIA coups, it feels like a lot of the, like, the worst ones they do is when, like, a left-wing leader's coming in

and he has good ideas, and he's got, like, a humanity to him. He believes in, like, and he's got naivity. Like, in Chile, in Guatemala, in Congo, it's going to be people who take you for your word. The only people that really know how to beat America

is someone like Castro. Castro's like the only guy who ever beat us, really, yeah. Yeah, because everyone else is like, I'm going to give, you know, give money to the poor, I'm going to fix things. and then America can trick them easily

because they're wide-eyed. But Castro is a fucking... Castro learned from the Guatemala. He really always talked about the Arbenz guy. He's like that. I don't want to end up like him. And in Chile, he told Allende is like, you better fucking watch out.

You can't carry on like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to get fucked. Yeah. So Castro's like, I'm not going bananas. No. Fuck bananas. So the CIA try and assassinate Castro

in a series of insane ways, which it turns out a lot of them they got from talking to, to Ian Fleming at like a White House dinner. Really? Ian Fleming, because he's part of the British establishment, they started writing Bond novels and tells either Dulles or one of the other guys

about all the things in his novels and like the British. So they're asking like, what's in your new book? What do you got? Yeah. It's brilliant. Which is funny because it's the same as, to fast forward, in the Iraq war, when there was the dodgy dossier about Saddam

being having nuclear missiles, that the way they described what he had was literally the plot from the rock in the official intelligence if you get the thing out from the rock where they have all the little balls where they take all the little liquid balls out of the thing they say oh Saddam's got that

and they've got that from the rock it's a thing that doesn't even exist yeah exactly so the head of the CIA is like oh we should we should I think they do try and develop a poisoned knife in a shoe, like this in the from Russia with love. Yeah, the exploding cigar.

Um, his lover gave him a jar of poisoned cream. He knew it was poisoned and gave her a gun and told us to kill him. She couldn't. It's so fucking, he's so fucking beast. Castro's great.

I like Castro a lot. I think he has a good guy. They also, they did a poison chocolate milkshake, which failed because the assassin, um, spill the poison. I mean, who is? Is it Manuel?

That's so funny. Oh, I'm so sorry. Mr. Castor, Mr. Castro, I'm so sorry. They, uh, what do they do? They put like a bomb in a fucking seashell. Do they? They think he's going to look at you.

Listen to it. I can hear the CIA. They threw a bomb painted as a softball at him and they missed. I mean, they threw a bomb painted as a softball. There's the whole exploding cigar thing, which I'm like, is that just a stick of dynamite? The Detroit trick of delighting.

How did it not work? How would they... Yeah, there's hundreds, right? Like, it's hundreds of different attempts. Yeah, they were obsessed with it. Yeah. So in early 1960, Eisenhower authorizes Dulles to prepare a coup to Alis Castro because, as we've seen, by early 1960, they've had successful coups around the world.

So Dulles is like, yeah, if there's a communist on the doorstep, this is what we do. And they're trying to get it all in before Kennedy becomes president because Kennedy's... They don't know if Kennedy or Nixon are going to win because Eisenhower can't be president again. So they're like, we've got to do. do it now because Kennedy was kind of anti-koo. So they were trying to do them quick. So this is deep state stuff. Yeah.

The Lumumba thing, they did that like the day before Kennedy became president because Kennedy loved Lumumba and they couldn't have killed him if Kennedy was president. They did it like right when he, right before he got inaugurated. This is literally when Eisenhower says, warns about the military industrial. Yeah, while he's doing it. He's probably warning about these, these very things right here. So he's like a profit for the deep state. Yeah.

How deep up the earth does this go? Oh, fuck. So, because also, all the presidential debates between Nixon and Kennedy. He was all calling like, Kennedy, you're a bitch, you're a little pussy, you won't go after. So Nixon knows about the plan. And Nick and Kennedy is scoring points against him saying we need to be harder on Cuba. We need to like. And then Nixon loses because he's ugly on TV, right?

Yeah. He sweats on TV and he's got those jowls. Yeah. It's unseemly. So the plan is that they're going to invade the port of Trinidad, E. Brida, with help from. We haven't said it also. serious. And we've been in the area.

Yeah, fair enough. You've both been asleep. Yeah. They would use Trinidad as a port base to rally support and overthrow Castro. They're getting loads of, what, Cuban exiles to make an army. But Kennedy doesn't like, so Kennedy comes to office and the plan's already basically in action.

But I think it's Kennedy that moves it to the Bay of Pigs. This is his big failure, right? The Bay of Pigs, Kennedy. Yeah. So how much is it his fault? No, it was Dulles's fault mostly. Kennedy kind of took the blame but it was mostly Dolous

They like put all like the worst CIA agents on it They like kind of Straight the barrel Yeah they were like using like the dregs of the They were so like confident They're like we don't even need the good guys on this one Yeah because I guess they've done so many By this point

They're like we can't be stopped Yeah this is a generational It's a bit similar to Blair in Iraq In that by that point he'd done Northern Ireland Kosovo Sierra Leo He's like I know what I'm fucking doing We're going in and he's like Oh oh

Yeah oh yes there's a whole thing about air support yeah so they were like trapped on the beach and they like they needed the air force to come in and bomb and they assumed Kennedy would kind of do it because they don't want to look like fools but Kennedy kind of put his foot down as like I don't want to start a war and so they got that's why they got slaughtered basically so arguably Kennedy was a huge pussy

yeah they were right it Kennedy had just backed his men yeah we would have Cuba would be the 51st state probably so yeah if Eisenhower would still be been in when they done this plan? Do you reckon it would have worked? Probably. Yeah. Or Nixon. Nixon would have, yeah. He would have sent him. He would a nuke Tavana. Thank God. That disgusting pastel city. Have you been to Havana? No, I bet. I would love to. It's supposed to be beautiful. It's supposed to be right. Yeah, we were not really allowed to go there. It's hard to go there.

I thought it's fine. It's fine, but you have to go through some hoops. It's, yeah, it's not to snow. You guys can go, you can go there. It's bad news agents there right here. Yeah. There's nothing in the stores. It's like two things. Oh, really? Yeah, it's just this Well, because we have a blockade on them. Yeah. We've been blockade them for 40 years. You still haven't got a blockade still, have you? I think it might have stopped like two or three years ago.

I think Obama got rid of it. Yeah. So the operation fails because the Cuban exile pilots. They just basically, they thought like the people were going to like rise up and they didn't really because they kind of like, because Castro was fairly nice to most of the people. They just misunderstood. They didn't understand that he's actually popular. Yeah.

Right. Okay. So what happens to Dull is then? Dull is, I mean, he, it's like his greatest failure. And then. there's also another thing that happens with like France at the same time where like we sponsor a coup of the de Gaul right in Algeria you know yeah like the generals in Algeria were mad that de Gaul didn't want to kill every single Algerian he's like let's only kill 80% of them

when they're like that's not enough yeah and they were going to march on paris and it was very American funded right but it failed they like the guy like lost his nerve and the general like kind of like gave up he like had a mental breakdown because he was scared of de Gaul. But that, and then that was behind Kennedy's back as well. So that's why he slowly takes Dulles out, I think. So, yeah, Dulles is sort of blame for Bay of Pigs by Kennedy, and then he's fired. But Kennedy takes the blame publicly, but Dulles takes the blame privately, yeah.

But then, so the Dulles had also in 53, I think he'd started Project MK Ultra, which we're going to talk about our page. But the sort of this era of, this is where this. 10 years under Dulles is where the CIA essentially has his reputation and it has no accountability there's no, it's all meant to be covert right, it's meddling in things

that it should, I mean, you could argue that basically it only goes wrong because one coup fails. He got right, you know, he doesn't. Probably would still have the power, yeah. They were like their own government, it was like their own country basically. The CIA could like do whatever they want. But in the same way, like with the Pinkertons,

they were completely unaccountable. Yeah. At this point in the, it's like, it's like the, it's like, the, global pinkertons. Yeah. Just over the entire world. Yeah. Just over the entire world.

What's going on over there? Let's fucking let's get us. See what happens. 40 years of Civil War. Oops. Yeah. And then Dulles, I think when JFCK is assassinated,

allegedly he could have just blown his own head off. Because his mental health. Spontaneous combustion. His wife started telling her about her dreams and his head just exploded. I think Dulles gets involved in the, like, he's in the Warren Commission to investigate it. He's not even the CIA guy anymore but they like bring him

back to like head the commission even though he probably assassinated Kennedy. They were like the commission to look through the assassination and like be like what's going on. Oh you think he killed Kennedy? I think he was yeah because Kennedy was trying to yeah this is a real

there's a big gravity bong rip right here yeah. That's the big one right here. The YouTube thumbnail's got to have some big gravity bomb. Yeah. This isn't an apple pipe. This is gravity bong one right here yeah why would dallas kill kennedy because he wanted to curtail the CIA's power and he didn't want to he didn't want the cold war to be like

he kind of wanted to stop the cold war he was anti-cold war he was like we can get along it's not really opposing theories right right we don't need this nuclear scare tactic hanging over it was a libtard he was a lip-tart he was absolutely a woke gay libtard absolutely and dallas was like well i just i don't Dulles was like, I like that you fuck Marilyn Monroe, but otherwise he's a huge person. How many women you fuck. Yeah.

Otherwise, yeah. And so he's fired after the Bay of Pigs and then he obviously orchestrated the JFK assassination. And then that's kind of the end of him, really. Does he live any, anything mad happen at the post? I don't know. Do you know anybody? I think he dies not that much longer after that. I don't think he lives that much.

I think it's like 67, 68. Fair enough. But he kind of like pulls the strings still. People like go to his house. They're like, what would you do, daddy? or you do daddy CIA yeah exactly yeah he becomes like the the disabled guy on the heist team who's like well I can't do the heist yeah but I'll you should have seen him at lumumba yeah you should see when he did the labamba yeah so but essentially that's that's

kind of like what the his operational tactics become the CIA's tactics for the next right that was really interesting and I think we'll do more episodes on the CIA we're going to leave it there just because there's just too much so this has been the CIA under Dulles If you want to join the patron, it's just three pounds a month. Unbelievable. What a deal? What does less than a, less than the price of a coffee? Not these days.

I know. Well, yes, these days. Yes, these days. You meant to be backing me up. Not these days. That's really expensive, actually. For bonus episodes and early access. God, I wouldn't pay that.

That's really expensive. Things are cheaper here than in America. You guys got a good. Really? Oh, yeah. You guys go. Yeah. In Londonistan.

It's what they call it. Londonistan. It's how they call it. Yeah. So what America is called London. Yeah, that's what Tomlin Carlson calls it. Does he? Yeah, they're hanging,

they're lynching Paddington from Buckingham Palace, shoving marmalade up his ass. It's like the end of Gaddafi, but it's Paddington being fucking sodomized by a jar of marmalade. All because he, all because he wanted to privatise the NHS. So join the Patreon.

We're going to do a big episode on MK Ultra and the mind control that the CIA did in the 50s. But yeah, Emac Ultra is all very much this, but it all happened. Yeah, no, it is. Everything in there. It's like,

It sounds like the maddest conspiracy theory and it's all fucking true. Yes. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, man. And we're going to reveal it for the first time on the Patreon.

Yeah. We're going to get into it. Jeffrey, have you got anything to plug? Go to Jeffrey A.T.m. That's my Instagram. Jeffrey ass to mouth. That's on my Instagram.

Special. You got a great special out on YouTube. It's called 63 minutes a great comedy. Go on a YouTube. He puts out 10 minute sets regularly. That is so funny. It's not just short form. It's slightly longer stuff as well.

If you're looking. for a stand-up that's not terrible, Jeff Asmus is to go out to bed. And I don't always sound like this. I have actually a really beautiful tenor voice. You do. You do always sound like this. But the stand-up you do,

it sounds perfect. It sounds like I had a lot of bananas in my throat, honestly. I went to Guatemala recently. Yeah, you're a member of the United Fruit. You're a non-executive shareholder. Anyway, thanks so much for stopping by. This has been the history of the CIA.

We'll see you on the Patreon. And if not, we'll see you next week for our biggest series yet. Bye! Bye! I'm going to be able to be.