Fin vs History - A Spine Like A David Beckham Free Kick | Richard III and the Princes in the Tower (Part 1)

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Richard III, Britain’s last medieval King: Disabled icon? Or just another nonce found in a car park? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened. For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans. Use code TRUTHER at checkout. Download Saily app or go to: https://saily.com/truther Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to another episode of Finn versus history. As ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Young boys. This week, we're talking about two beautiful boys. Two beautiful, sweet boys. Sweet beautiful boys who have not been seen for. For Nyon, what, 700 years, something like that? Do you think they're dead or?

Sorry? Do you think they're dead? I think they are by now. Okay, right. Yeah. I don't know if it was still a cold case, you know? It's like a McCann sort of situation. Well, this is the first instance of Madeline McCann.

I should say, we're not talking about Madeline McCann. We're talking about Richard the Third, Britain's most infamous king and the, um, there's two sweet, beautiful boys. Yeah, sweet, sweet, beautiful, tender boys. We may be getting quite, sorry, we might be getting quite sidetracked by just how beautiful these boys are. Have you seen the photo that was done

in the Victorian times of them? What? What? Of their skeletons. Sorry, not a photo sorry. I mean a picture.

By Malay, the pre-Raphaelite painter. They're gorgeous. You just said three things. I've got no fucking idea. I'm neuro-normative.

You can't be dropping artists on me like that. The one with a long blonde hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Can you get the photo? Can you get that?

What was it called? Pre-Raphyphalite. So it's like this group of painters from I think like they're based around West London I think and they would it was like the romanticism movement so like Ophelia drowning

no that famous painting of Ophelia drowning I'll probably do if you yeah yeah yeah that's pretty rough like I'm not really into museums no I bash through them quite quick museums now what have you typed in there but no no no do Princes in the Tower have you just googled young boys

Prince is in the Tower milass. If that's a company hard drive, we really need to put some more rules on Charlie's Googling. We're looking for, we're talking today about Richard the 3rd. Here we go, here we go. There it is. Here we go. And these two gorgeous, beautiful. Look of those. Get that full screen, Charle. You've made it smaller. Here we go. Here we go. It's great painting. This is one of the, oh, my word, look at these beautiful boys. They look like they're in that Eric Prid's video. in that they're in tight doublets and um they look like hot women in the 80s you know

yeah yeah yeah it looks like Sarah Connor from Terminator it does look like Sarah Conner from Terminator yeah for there's two of them and um they're two incredibly twinky young things yeah and one of the great unsolved mysteries or British history is what happened to these two these two gorgeous little things Richard the third is everyone assumes that he murdered them yeah but it's uh it's well it's an unsolved mystery until now. We will be in our, probably in our next part, we'll be going to the... Well, this is a form of history where I think women really come into their own in this,

because most of the time, it's autistic men droning on. But I feel this sort of era, it's like female autism actually comes to the fore a little bit. Wars of the Roses. War of the Roses. This is up there with the ugliest historians ever seen. Do you think? Yes. Yeah.

We're still in the medieval period, the late medieval period. History's about to get fit. Well, so I had to call my sister, who's special interest. is from basically the War of the Roses Special being the major major work High fixations are My special sister's interest

War of the Roses up to the Tudors because she likes history but through a very female lens Right yes so it's gossip Terrifying What even is that? It's gossip relationships It's all about the story

It's all about the characters As soon as it So like she's not interested in Agincourt And it stops when it reaches the Stuarts Right so as soon as boy history starts coming in she's out it's the first half of titanic yeah exactly and this is this is basically game of thrones is basically based entirely off this like yeah the dynastic things it's so similar all the shit that's going on yeah it's so hard to follow though i i found this pretty impenetrable oh

it's incredibly boring yeah so much this is boring i mean actually i like the war of the roses the boys in the town i don't yeah i don't care who you're talking about if you's not seen that photo those two sweet boys they're sweet boys the sweet gorgeous boys the same and it's interesting with this we could say it's like a man in McCown but it is also

sorry to bring it back but it is also kind of a British 9-11 again because there's two of them well there's a tower involved I get to get a

no no there's two boys they're the two towers right and it's like one's gone and another I don't know I think they disappeared at the same time though

yeah I guess so yeah but you know the two towers as well they could have killed them one at a time you know what I'm saying is that it's

it is like they're the two towers the British medieval culture. They both get destroyed. I don't need much to compare things to 9-11, but even I am grasping at this comparison. So Richard III is kind of, has he killed these boys? Did he fuck them?

Who knows? He was found in a car park. I mean, that is what Peter's, that's where they're found. I didn't do nothing. I didn't do nothing. That's the first thing the story said is, who are you here to meet? As he dug him up in the Lester car park.

Cortering him outside of NASDA. I didn't know sorry I didn't No I'm right She told me she was 16 You're going away for a long time Just screaming at a skeleton But Richard

The 3rd has kind of been Made into this kind of ogreish villain Sure Which I think a lot A tough read Yeah Yeah He's but a lot of that

I think as we'll find Is maybe more based in Shakespeare's We don't know what it was like I doubt he was worse Than how he's depicted He can't be worse He's kind of the cartoonish villain of British history.

Yeah, but he could actually be a pedo. Right, yeah, I guess so. So he could be worse. I guess so, yeah. We're the first people to really say that he could be a pedo. We're the first historians to, um, yeah. King Richard III was more of a handsome surf dude than a hideous misfit. An expert has said.

Again, handsome surf dude is the things that these people say, the stories of this period. But a lot of what drove the quest to find Richard third and rejig his narrative, because his name has been utterly besmirched. Yes. Especially by Billy Shakespeare, right? But it's that woman who's like peak female autism, the one they made the film about, the person who found Richard in the car park.

Yes, yeah. What's her name? Philippa Langley, is it? Yeah, Philippa Langley, is it? She basically, it seems like it was driven because she saw that painting of Richard the 3rd and got so horned up by it. She was like, this doesn't look like a tyrant,

this looks like a fucking hot guy. And then she looked everywhere, you know. And dug up a car park. Similar to like the people who marry people in prison. You know, how like Charles Manson had all those wives and people writing in. It's more like those women that marry like planes or like bits of the Berlin Wall. A woman married the Eiffel Tower.

It's that kind of thing. Where you are, when you're so horny, you are applying to the council for permission to dig up a car park. I mean, that's also a female privilege, I'll say. Because men are that horny all the time. Men are say, I bet there's a fucking hot woman down there. And the council are like, well, you're not, I'm not giving you access to a diger. Looking in the bins and a car park.

I bet there's some fucking hot babe down there. So he was exhumed. I mean, again, who fucking knows if it's actually him? Well, actually, I think I think of. You're fan of exhumations? Well, listen, I would love to start a campaign to exhume Hitler, but that's not, that's of all kinds of problems there. I'd love to see Bin Laden.

I would like to do a, like, you know, the Titan Submersible Titanic tour. Yeah. I'd love to find where bin Laden is in the sea and take people down to see him. Well, as a fan, we're a huge fan of, embalming on this podcast. Big fan of embalming.

Exuming, we also a big fan. I think this podcast is very pro embalming and exhuming. I think we're very comfortable with death. I think it's healthy. Yeah, so when we die,

fill us, fill of oil or whatever it is to embalm us. Just baste me in all of oil and just stick me somewhere. Yeah. And move me around. Also, if you bury me, feel free to exhumia at any point.

Do not worry about that whatsoever? I think the dead people should be treated like living statues. They should just be in Covent Garden. And you know, you think. Well, Madam Twosores. You just don't know who's alive and who's... You don't know who's a fucking annoying non-spoturing tourists

and who's actually a dead potty. Do you travel a lot? I do travel a lot. Really? Yeah. And often, when I'm out there, I'm looking for ways to get connected to the internet, right? Sometimes when I'm trying to see if I'm getting ripped off,

I might want to get connect to the internet very easily to check it if that's the case. And you're going there with a fucking modem and an Ethernet cable. Exactly. Please, my friend, please. Because one of the most annoying things about going on like a three-day city break or something. is you have to go to buy a sim, install it, and just then take it out again. You'll lose the sim.

Can't be asked. I'm already dealing with the bad food, the smelly people, and the... My inherent racism. My inherent racism. Why am I here? I can't even connect to the internet to see what's happening in Great Britain. And if you download the Saly app and you plan ahead, you can watch whatever... Whatever hardcore filth you like from the comfort of your phone, you can be squatting over

an excuse of a French toilet watching hardcore pornography on your phone. They're called French toilets. Is that what you call a lady boy? Sorry, Paris. I mean Paris. You could be in Paris.

No, I mean the squat, you know, the squad ones. Right, right, right, right. You know, where they're not toilets. Yes, yes. It's a hole on the floor with two kind of shoe marks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like the ergonomic grip. The cradle of civilization. Yeah. The French. Saley is a proud sponsor of Finn versus history. So if you want to save on roaming fees, download the Saley app now.

You can either scan the QR code on screen or click a link in the description and use the code Truther to get 15% off your first purchase. Hawaii? Should we get to do a word on the suits this week before we get into anything? I don't know what you're talking about.

We've just decided to wear whatever suits we'd like. Yeah, well, so you look very like a stiff upper lip. Well, you look like, it feels like you're the headmaster of a school and I'm a new drama teacher and you've called me in. Just have a quiet word about how potentially I'm misleading corrupting the youth with the way I'm dressing I'm wearing a green number you're fucking the youth I think green number pink shirt orange tie but um no I think I think you're my son and you're I want you to inherit and work for the company but you're too gay and you've turned up for work at the first day of the investment bank hi hello now listen to here boy yeah quiet

son please please this isn't how we dress in these parts so what's interesting is though I'm wearing quite a flag a very boring socks on and you are wearing a boring suit but all of your personality has gone strictly into your socks. I think a man should only express himself through the sock. I think that's the, I think that's probably a rule of tailoring. Sure. I think the socks are where you put your flair. Right. You don't, I mean, this is just, this is a nightmare. This is an absolute nightmare. Anyway, so Richard III is, is born at, uh, fathering a castle. Now, I mean, before we really get into the story, we should probably do some context of the Wars of the Roses,

because he's born pretty much into the Wars of the Roses. Well, that's something about all these guys, when you're painting them as villains and stuff, it's like it was the standards of the time, and it is everyone's Machiavellian at this point. Sorry, where are we? We're in the late medieval period. We're in the 1450s. Do you want to place this for us? Yeah, so the 1450s

so this is before the invention of the tank. So the Wars of the Roses, there's no tanks involved at all. in this war this is... There's tanks of mead at this point.

There's tankards. There's tankards. It's after the invention of the tankard. Okay. I say that I've got up to you know idea. Yeah. Pre-tank, post-tanked.

Yeah. That's kind of... P-T, P-T. Now that is quite confusing as an acronym. Yeah. But Charlie, when was the tankard invented?

Yeah. Charlie, quick. Come on. Charlie. Stop looking at those beautiful boys and tell us why the tankard was invented. I think the first tanks are used in World War I.

Right at the end of World War I'd say I'd say around 1917. Early, the 14th century, earliest of our examples originally, yeah, I've absolutely nailed it.

We're fine. Yeah, I mean, but only just. Yeah, yeah. Well, I thought there was a lot more in it. I'm trying to place this for the listeners.

At some point between the early 16th and 17th century, the tank had developed from a pear shape to the cylindrical shape we recognize today. That's incredibly boring because of it.

I don't want anything to do with that. This is not a history of the shape of tankards. For Christ's sakes, this is a history of the Wars of the Roses. Now, Richard is born into the Wars of the Roses. Um, and we should, now the Wars of the Roses basically is a sort of English medieval soap opera.

Yes. revolving around the Plantagenet family. And Richard the third is the last medieval king, you might say. Right. Before it becomes a renaissance, before early modern periods where your sister starts to check out because things get too interesting. So he's the last British king to die in battle. Right. Which everyone's like, oh, he's amazing.

But then when you realize he was disabled and he got hit over the head, you think, I was a bit, fucking, come on, chill out. Yeah, it wasn't like six guys beating a guy in a wheelchair to death. Yeah, it's not that heroic, really. But then again, if he was a nonce and he was found at a car park, I guess, you know.

Horses for courses. Horses for courses. A lot of nonces probably are disabled in some way. Yeah. I mean, arguably, it's a disability, pedophilia. I'm saying so. I think you should get a free laptop in the NHS. I think you should get a badge and park where you want.

Be able to part where you want. Not near a school. It's like the opposite. It's like a big, big red badge. Don't, if you see this partner of school, call the police. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better? Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking

intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices, sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. Listen now wherever you get

your podcasts. So Richard the third is born. The walls of the roses are... And I was trying to pin my sister

on how it happened. I was trying to pin my sister down. Well, that's very much on this time. Spin her mouth. But anyway. It's basically

Henry the 6th who is the son of Henry the 5th giga Chad who won Agincour, right right i think you're i think what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to get a family tree up because this is basically over the course of 30 years 40 years the who's king and who's in charge uh it's like a revolving door between these two different houses the york york

yorkist house and the lancastrian house but they're also both related yeah they're both houses that come from ultimately edward the third and because everyone listening is a complete dumb dumb yeah we're going to we're going to help them out because literally everyone on family tree is called Edward or Richard. Right? So we're going to give them new names, I think, so that we can actually talk about because there's several Edwards and Richards

and Richards in this story. And they're all quite important. Yeah, the thing is also with the War of the Roses, I listen to podcasts about it, incredibly boring, and then I'll speak to my sister and I who the people were, I found it very interesting. Right.

If you don't know who they are, it's completely impenetrable because it's all Edward, Edward, Edward, As soon as you start realizing that the characters and the people, it becomes interesting. So, Edward III. So this is, Ed the 3rd is a 100 Years War King. He's, uh, yeah, so he's a king during the Hundred Years' War. So he's, this is 13.

He has a very long reign. 1377 he dies. Uh, he has two sons, Lionel, which is a rare, it's a rare name in the Royal Line. It really is. I think they should bring that back. Yeah. A lot of these names are sort of, you have them a, I saw a, Jasper. There's a Jasper Tudor. Henry

Tudor's dad, I think, is Jasper, too. Lovely. You don't see that. No, they should mix it up. Yeah. Why is it all four names? Yeah. So then Lionel and John of Gaunt. Yeah. Gant John. Now we'd say John of AIDS. Yeah. So John of AIDS, change his name's

John of AIDS, Charlie, on your version. Right. Are you going to do it in your one? Oh, great. So Lionel Messi. So, so Lionel Messi. So Edward III. Giff's birth has two sons, Lionel Messi and John of AIDS. Brilliant.

That should make it much clearer. Now Lionel Messi, he, not the current Lionel Messi, that should be. Can you put Lionel Messi the first? Yeah. Now Lionel Messi, he has a son, Richard Duke of York. But there's loads of Richard. There's loads of Richards and they are also Duke of York. So do we know what this guy looks like?

I have no idea. Can you get a photo up? of Richard Duke of York from 1411. Yeah, we can't name someone without knowing what they look like. No, because they're all, again, there are several Richards and they're all, everyone also is a Duke of an incredibly boring place.

That's what's quite funny. And there are all these bloody battles in the most Anodyne towns. My God, look at him. Right. He looks like he's got, what's that disease where you've got, like a tiny head?

Uh, what, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. like miss. Well, it looks like a walrus. Microcephaly. That's what he is. Well, he looks like a walrus, right?

He doesn't look like a walrus, all right. Put Richard Warrus. Richard Warrus, Duke of York. So, if you're still with this, Edward III, two sons. Lionel Messi, the first, and John of AIDS. Lionel Messi has a son, Richard Waris. Yeah. He's Duke of York.

Yeah. Now, on the other side, John of AIDS, the AIDS side. The AIDS side, John of AIDS, his son is, Hemmy the Fifth. Who? Who is a ledge? Yeah. Solid gold ledge. Yeah.

One of those famous kings in English history, right? I don't think we need a nickname for Henry the Fifth. Yeah. Even our dumbest of the dumb listeners should be aware that that's quite... Just put Henry the Fifth brackets, hates of French. Yeah. Now, Henry the Fifth is on the... What's that?

The Lancasterian side. Yeah. Yeah. So John of Aids is Lancastrian. You know, I? Yeah. You're like, mate. And my name's John of AIDS.

Yeah, right. Right. So, yeah. So he's wearing a bucket. He's got a Parker on. Yeah, he's into our Aces. Champagne Supernova. That's John of AIDS.

He gives birth to Henry VIII. He hates the French. He doesn't get birth to him, sorry. Then Henry VIII gives birth to Henry the 6th, who is Joe Biden. Well, I heard somewhere in a podcast maybe that he had a child's mind. Right. He's actually, in today's terms, he's mentally disabled. But the way that they worked around power was similar to the final years of Biden, right?

Yeah. Where it was like, what are we going to do? Our leader doesn't know what day it is, his trousers around his ankles, right? Yeah, yeah. It's sort of Biden from birth. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the medical term is Biden from birth.

And a lot of this comes from, yeah, the trickiness of having a Biden from birth on the throne. Yeah. Which is going to happen with all the interbreeding that happens at the wrong. Royal Line. It's one of the things that happens. Well, it's inevitable, isn't it? So, can you put Biden from birth child's mind for Henry the 6th? Yeah. So this is, so Henry the 6th is, uh, he's king at several, sorry, Biden from birth, um, child's mind. But it seems like, so he's, he's, he's, everyone's like, what the fuck, this guy, uh, we don't know what's wrong with him. We, we don't have the words described this sort of disability, right? Yeah. And it seems like he's in

the tower going in and out of consciousness throughout this. Yeah. So then his brother takes over from him and then, or there's lots of people who are claimants to the throne now because it's like, well, we need a new king. Well, Biden, Biden from birth, child's mind. He's king after Henry V. Yeah. But he's got a child's mind and the Wars of the Rose is really kick off now, which is where people are like, this guy's fucking hopeless. We need a new person.

We need a new guy. But then he has multiple reigns because at one point it seems like he goes to sleep for 10 years. and then he wakes up and becomes king again because they're like oh fuck he's alive again so on the other side so that's on the aid side on the Leonel Messi's side

you've Richard Walrus Messi's son Richard Walrus has had several children he's had Edward the 4th who is a fucking lad well yeah

rest of history said he's basically a proto Henry the 8 he's very similar he is Henry 8's grandfather yeah and it's very similar type vibes. So he's he loves pints. He loves shagging. He loves shagging.

Yeah. So basically he's top, he's, I think he's classic shagger, basically. Big Shagga, Edward the 4th. Edwith the 4th. Big Shagger. Big Shagga the 4th. And then he has a brother He has two brothers. He's two brothers. He has George, the Duke of Clarence. Who rest the history described as sort of a Fredo-like character. Sort of, he's the middle child

syndrome, very insecure. Yes. Very ratty. so I think we could call George Duke of Clarence we call him Fredo. Fredo from the Godfather is Big Shagga the fourth's brother Richard. And then his brother

is Richard the second who... Richard the third. Sorry Richard the third. Yeah. Richard the third is we should talk about he is born with scoliosis they think. Right. Which is a... So it's a curvature of the spine. Uh-oh. But it's not a... It's quite a weird one.

It's like a beckham free kick of a spine. Yes, it's exactly that. It's Beckham against Greece. so actually can you put Richard the second bracket it's Becum against Grease spine so just as he was coming out at the last minute they think it's all over

he thinks he's going to die and then he bends out the birth canal oh and so it's not like so in the Shakespeare it depends which way it bends because either Roberto Carlos against France

or it's Becgourne or Macon versus Greece I don't know which way it depends I think it's Beckham versus Greece because Le Tour noir would be mad so now in the Shakespeare play, he's got a

hunchback, like, over. Yeah. But that's not what scoliosis is. It is a beck and free kicking that it's what, it's this way. Right. Okay. It's literally, he's cooky. Yeah. He's got, he's Zoe de Chanel quirky.

Yeah. So one shoulder. He's constantly going, oh, oh, oh. He's like, going random. Right. Yeah. Oh my God. So he's like this.

He's got one shoulder higher than the other. Yeah. Which, when you, when you try and do it is fucking annoying. right if you're just constantly like this and then imagine having a broad sword yeah so I think maybe he's got a little hand as well fine yeah you sort of Jeremy beadle Beckham against grease spine Jeremy beadle hand

right um so he is the he's the subject of the podcast today but uh he doesn't become king till much later on so the other person need to talk about is this absolute slag Elizabeth Woodville well yeah Milf Central uh you say that have you seen a photo of her no well I mean it's a middle age

Even by the middle age of standards This woman I'm a big Woodville fan I won't have slander against her Right so Elizabeth Woodville Well that's the book I planned a lot of slander against I'm intending to mainly slander her

Elizabeth Woodville is a common woman Now she's not common She comes from it's just a shit noble family right Yes common common Yeah Now that's a photo of Elizabeth Woodville Yeah She's completely bald

What no that's of that hat she's What? It's the hat she's wearing, she's not doing No, in that photo she's bald and then she's got

a bit of a hat on the back of her head. Yeah, but yeah. Her hair is all tied up in that hat at the back

of the head. No, because they've drawn the hat. You can see the shape of her head. Right.

So she's bald. So you think she's Sheney O'Connor bald? Yes. Right. So if you could put

She'd for Elizabeth Woodville that would help our listeners. No, because she's not She's not Sheney O'Connor.

she's Lisa Ann because... No, she's not a milf. She's a commonly insane woman. No, I will not have this slander against Woodville. She causes all of this shit, by the way. Yes. Because she manages to juice a much younger Edward IV to fuck up

the entire royal lineage just because she's such a horny, horn dog. Because he's such a horn dog. He's such a horn dog. So you're telling me this bald, mad woman is tricking Edward IV into ruining everything no she is smart she's devious she's hot she's probably absolutely crazy

in the side yeah I guess so I guess so she was wild right bald women my word fine yeah like Amber Rose Amber Rose Gail Porter was on Big Ben with her ass out yeah now again that she didn't know about that

again that was very pretty me too so Elizabeth Woodville is is Gail Porter with her ass out on Big Ben and that's absolute catnip to Ed with the 4th who's top tagger Edd of the fourth was their plan for him to have a marriage that sort of end a lot of the disputes

of the War of the Roses and he had like a arranged marriage that would have sorted this all out but instead he went for the Woodville because Woodville refused to be his mistress she was like you put a ring on it very much like Anne Boleyn sort of vibe right she held out so

which is a way to play a horny king is I'll only shaggy if you marry me and then he's like oh do I'll do anything I marry marry coronate you're the queen and then he comes he's like oh fuck I've got a bald wife Brilliant.

Yeah. What ending the eighth realised you could do is you could just chop their heads off. Yes. Which the fourth didn't realize was an option. No, exactly.

Because that's sort of the get out of jail free card. That's the Trump card. Oh, I'm king? Yeah. Oh, I just cut a head off. Do you think it was mainly post-knock clarity

that resulted in them being beheaded? Yeah. Because as soon as it's like, oh, fuck. I actually hate you. I hate myself. I'm going to cut your head off. So just to recap where we are,

Edward III has two sons, Learlese the first and John of AIDS. Leonel Messi's side he then has Richard Walrus Richard Walrus has three sons Big Shagger, Fraylor from the godfather Beckham against Greece Spine

Yes yeah Big Shagger Yeah Marries Gail Porter on Big Ben Right A bald, attractive woman Yeah Now you said you didn't know what

Gail Porter and Big Ben So FHM In the late 90s They projected Gail Porter Rude on to Big Ben right it goes without saying

this is very 90s this is very pre me too this is probably did she former children's TV presenter I mean this is actually would she involved in it

we should probably do an episode on on this because this is actually fucking insane no she wasn't involved in it at all like revenge porn almost it's almost

yeah it's probably the hardest revenge porn you could get which is projected someone naked onto the houses of parliament right I don't know how

how they because they must have had a projector on But people love projecting it onto the House of Parliament. Was this one of the earliest ones to do it? This isn't led by don't... Right, right. You just...

Yeah, I don't really... But in many way, you know, porn innovates technology. Yes, it does, doesn't it? In many ways, it led forward the idea of projecting stuff onto the House of Parliament, which now doesn't really hold the same sort of stead because so many people are doing it. So Elizabeth Woodville is... I mean, we're arguing over whether she's bald or not.

And all the pictures I've seen, she's bald. Right. But she's attractive enough that Big Shagger marries her rather than just has her on the side. side piece. Yeah. Now, she starts everything,

really, Gail Porter. Yes. Because she's... One of the big problems with her bringing her in because she's married, she's not,

it's all laid out, there's lots of noble family, she's from a lesser noble family. Him marrying her just because he's horny. It's something that you're not really meant to do

because it's carefully planned out so that all the people get the right access to power. Now, when she marries, he marries a woodville, she has to bring her fucking in-laws. That's the problem. She's got baggage

from previous marriage. She's got a baggage from previous marriage, she's older. She's got all the things that you shouldn't be as a queen, right? But she,

when you bring someone in who's not really in the top royal realm, they also, she has like five brothers or whatever. She has like cousins and stuff. So she's bringing

all the fucking in-laws. The filth. Yeah, it's your, that's why I call my in-laws. It's your girlfriend's cousins. Now you're having to hang out with you. Absolutely, Phil.

Apart from her older brother, Anthony Woodville, who's a bit of a fucking lad. Well, so now we're getting to the crunch point in that Big Shagger and Gail Porter were on Big Ben, they have three children. Two of which are those fucking beautiful boys. One of the issues of this era actually

is the fertility of D's lot. Because with Henry the 8th, the big problem was his lack of fertility, right? Well, you know, fertility in these... I mean, six wives, he had three kids. It's not great. But fertility in these days means sons. Yes, right.

Daughters may as well be infertile. If you're only having daughters, they're like, well, a lot of these people are having like 10 kids. a lot of these raw and to be honest you only really want an air, a spare and maybe another potentially but an air and spare is ideal

and a girl for one of the other ones to marry yes air spare girl that's kind of a dream but some of these people are having like five sons and if you have five sons it's going to be a civil war yeah because there's just too much testosterone exactly yeah you don't want a sausage spares you want a bouncer

you want like the burkehine bouncer making sure that not enough you know outside the woman's vagina giving birth saying like, sorry, too many lads. No. Do you have any girls with you? I don't think that's what Birdkind do.

I think that's what like shit nightclubs in like Oxford do. Yeah, Birdkind is... Do you have it? Do you have a fist up your ass? Yeah, sorry. You're a woman. This is basically for guys to fist themselves.

Right, right, right, right. So the two beautiful boys, the Princes of the Tower. In fact, Charlie, could you... This is, you've got a picture of Burghine bouncer. This is Sven. He's the famous Burkine bouncer. Yeah, he's a man I assume that you know, I assume that you know, Charlie. I've seen him, I've never met him.

Yeah. He keeps himself to himself. Again, amazing to be a German with the self-confidence to tattoo your face. Yeah. Well, it's come back around, isn't it? There was a real lull post-war, and now it's back in. Yeah, I think, I'm just amazed that Germans are still tattoo. I mean, I just think the whole barcode thing rules it out.

Yeah, yeah. I think it should have killed the industry. Right, get rid of him. Can you rename Edward V and Richard of Shrewsbury, a beautiful boy one and beautiful little twink too? Yeah. Scourgious sweet twink number two. Can you look up how many kids does Elizabeth Woodville have?

Because I don't know there's three here, but I think, I swear she has more. She has two from a previous marriage. Let's just see how many in general. Ten children. That's what I mean. Seven were girls. Three were boys. One of them, I assumed, died in childbirth, all was from another marriage.

And so it's only two of the boys. But that's what I mean. There's a lot of kids. happening. Yeah. So Big Shagger and Gail Porter on Big Ben, they have beautiful boy one,

they have gorgeous sweet twink two and then they have a horribly ugly daughter called Elizabeth of York. So if you could just change Elizabeth of York to horribly ugly ugly. Is she are really ugly? Compared to the beautiful sweet gorgeous boys.

Fine, fine, fine, fine. Horribly ugly daughter. Right. So that should have cleared things up for the listeners. Yeah. And that is all the Lancasterian side. So the Wars of the Roses

that's kickoff in 1455 with a battle of St. Albans. again are you gig there I was born in San Orban yeah yeah exactly

nice it's just a pure commute at town yeah it's yeah it's quite pretty quite expensive it's sort of like people who don't

who can't accept that they're leaving London right it's like it's the least you can it's the closest London you can be

without not being in London really it's one of those places where they say oh what's that like they go it's great you can get

to King's crossed in half an hour and you go right okay kill yourself yeah with the kind of pleading eyes

yeah it's fine it's fine Basically, all the things I'd want to do in London, I could do, really. When I lived in Brixton, it was half an hour of Kings Cross anyway. Yeah, get a train past 1130 then. Oh, I can't do that. No, I can't do that. So, yeah, so that's the Battle of St. Orban's, which is, that's Richard Warris.

Richard Warris and Big Shagher, they're fighting for control against King Henry the 6th. Biden from birth. Yeah. Is married to Margaret of Anjunu. Now, who is Margaret of Enjon. French bird, who's caused, French. French birds have caused issues constantly. Smelly. Can you make Margaret Ongeroy, bracket, smelly?

Fine. Right. Who's that, Charlie? That's our Miss St. Orban's. Right. Okay, so that should give the viewers' picture of what St. Orban's is like. Just judging it purely on one of the most recent Miss St. Orban's. Who's that?

Right. That's Miss South Hertfordshire. Charlie, come on. You've done really well. We've got a lot of things to work through. Charlie, you've done really well with. not putting Paul on the TV, okay? Because you just do things that are relevant to what we're talking about.

You've done really, I want to give you a carrot along with a stick. You've been really good at not putting Paul on the TV recently, okay? Thank you. So can you please stop Googling who won Miss South Hartfordshire? Right, sorry, we just need to get this right for the sake of that. Margaret of Andrew Brackett Smelly, because she's French, thank you. Anyway, so because she, her husband's an invalid, right? She's doing a lot of the ruling.

She's kind of seen as quite a Lady Macbeth character, but it's potentially just sex. of the age. She's got shush in her hands rather than blood in her hands. Fine. Because she's French. Because she's French. Brilliant. What's the famous Lady Macbeth quote about the blood in her hands? I don't remember it. What's that Charlie, what's the Lady Macbeth quote? Let's let's move on. Anyway, alright, fine. She's got shitty hands.

Right. But partly because of that is why people are now being new claimants to the throne. And they also don't think that his son, so Henry the 6th does have a son, Edward of Westminster Another Edward For fuck say Another Edward of Westminster

But he Potentially Margaret Ongon who was like sleeping with a guy in court Because her husband's an invalid You know this is a classic thing So even if Edward of Westminster Is the biological son

He's half smelly half disabled Sure sure sure So he's out of picture But he dies in I think the battle against Richard of Walrus I believe Or one of those battles Chooksbury

Yeah that's the battle Chooksbury he dies in Right And when he's 17 So that line is kaput because he dies in 471. In 1461 Right, so 10 years before this guy dies

I guess. The eldest brother, Edward the 4th, big shagger, classic shagger, he wins the Battle of Tauton, which is the bloodiest battle to happen on English soil. Really? But it was snowing, so maybe you could see the blood. Fine, fine. He becomes king deposing Biden from birth, Charles' mind,

Henry the 6th. He goes back into a castle to look at play with fucking unknown abacus or something. Meanwhile, Richard III, Beckin from Greece, he's being raised at Middleham Castle under the Earl of Warwick, I think. Yes, he's known as the Kingmaker. I mean, what does that mean?

He just chooses who the King is. I guess so. Maybe he's just sort of like a powerful middleman type person whoever, who maybe has a big private army potentially and whoever he backs. Yeah, because then Warwick rebels against Edward VIII, the Big Shagger, they say you're shagging too much. Ever the fourth is also, he's like six foot four.

He's the tallest king ever, which... Yes, he's the... until I think Prince William will take the throne. Yes. So he's the only one he's... Spoiler alert. If Prince William... At time of recording.

Yeah. Williams still Prince. Oh yeah. So if Prince William becomes king, he will be potentially tall in there with the fourth. Yeah. But for the time, everyone is like five foot two.

So this six or four is a fucking Guinness World Record holder sort of... And Richard the third is quite tall, but he has a beckham against grease spine. So he's like... Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, so he, Edward the fourth,

Big Shagga, is deposed. And then Biden from birth is restored to the throne in 1470. Because they wake, yeah. So because Edward VIII has taken over from Henry the 6th because he's an invalid, that causes a civil war. And they wake the invaline up and get him back on the throne. Then in the 1470s, Richard Beckham against Greece spine, he's been training how to fight.

This is the age where kings still fight on horses and stuff. You have battles. an incredibly boring places like Barnet where Warwick's killed, Chooksbury, Chooksbury, where Edward of Westminster, harsh, smelly, heart disabled, gets killed. Yeah, which is a very, it's a hate crime, really. And then Biden from birth is murdered.

He gets sent to, is it, Pontefract? Yeah. Which is like a euphemism for killing someone. Yes, right, right. Right, right. Blah, blah, blah. Boring, boring. 4.75, Beckham from Greece is appointed Duke of Gloucester and he's given a lot of large land holdings.

He then starts to boss it as a kind of northern yorkist ruler. He's a smart, cunning guy. Well, we don't know. Yeah, he is, but the kind of cunning evilness of it is probably the Shakespeare imagination. Then we get to the real spicy juice, right? Edward VIII suddenly dies.

When you say he dies suddenly, he is taking, he's got like this order for like hermetic potions and stuff so that he can fit three more courses in his belly. Yeah, what's the hermesic again? I don't. I imagine so. I mean, he's going to apothecary and saying, How can you make it so I can have five dinners?

Yeah. Right. So he's ballooning and he dies around the age of 40. So when people say dies suddenly, it's like, what? You mean the guy who eats six dinners and 15 points a night? I once, when I was on a, I was maybe 11 and I used to be a very, very fat, fat young boy. I went on a school trip to row. You always be a fat on the inside, Finn.

Yeah, you know, he never leaves you. Mentally, I'm fat. Mentally, I can't stop eating. What happened basically was that I was a fat, I was a fat. boy and then I got taller. That's what happens. I never actually lost the way. I never actually changed my lifestyles. I had a growth spurt and it kind of evened out. You got stretched out. Essentially, I got stretched out. So 10 or 11, we go on a classics trip to Roman Sorrento. Right. And there was, because it's a posh school, one of the...

A lot of ice cream for you? Yeah. A lot of gelato. Well, wait till I tell the story. One of the, I think, because it was a quite an expensive school, The owner of an insane hotel in the Naples area, like a six-star hotel, was his kid, he wanted to send his kids there. So when he found out that there was a school trip happening to the area, he was like, well, we're not going to put you up, but come and have a dinner in our insane six-star restaurant. And it was proper Roman-style 10 courses. Right. And I ate so much pasta that I went to the toilet, threw up, and then came back and carried on eating.

which is what the Romans you said so I kind of relate to Big Shagreb with the fourth in that there was a period of my life where six courses wasn't enough Do you think as a king you'd be more in the head with the fourth Henry the 8th sort of mould? I think I'd eat so much

that my spine would bend and that my stomach would be so distended that I'd be like... Because as we remember you looked around was it Gordonston? Yes, yeah and though you know it's a pod school but your fatness outweighed your poshness at that point

where it was like... Gornston, then I think we dealt with this in the Patreon special about Prince Andrew. It's like a fat camp for posh kids, Gordonston. Yeah, it is. And you turned to your mum and said, if you send me here, I will die.

Yes. Yeah, I have a bit of memory of that. I said, we can't, you can't get a job here because I will die. Because Gornston is like, yeah, it is. It's sort of military-leaning private floor.

Yeah, because five burpees and you're going to have a cardiac arrest. It's set in the... Well, burpees for me then were just burps. We're sicky burps. They said do 10 burpees and I would just do 10 sickie burps

and they go, no, that's not what that is. Anyway, so Edward IV, the classic shagger, he's eating so much that he's going to the pharmacy and shock horror, he dies. Yeah, he dies. And so this leads this absolute chaos

because Edward IV, in this time, in this day and age, you know, you would prepare, a king is on their deathbed and the court would prepare who was going to come next. They'd, you know, the factions of who support who, they'd kind of get sorted out

and people would move against other factions and they would prepare the ground for kind of smooth succession where everyone could kind of unite against the, and into this sort of chaos is where Richard the 3rd or at this point you still Beckham against Greysbine. We need to talk about the middle brother, Freda from the Godfather.

right right so fredo from the godfather during edward the fourth reign constantly rebels against edward because he wants to be king right in quite a ratty sort of middle child way yeah he can't deal with the fact that he's not the oldest or the youngest and he takes it out by like four times he keeps going getting exiled to france and then coming back with a new force constantly trying to kill his brother edward the fourth redress history say it's similar to henry the eighth is quite a sentimental character and loves his brother very much like fredo yeah right but after the fourth time his brother has raised an army

and tried to kill him to take the throne Ed is like I'm sorry lad you've got to go yeah right and so he he says to him because you're my brother and I love you you can choose how you die so he says

I'm going to choose to drink to die in a barrel of your bitch wife Elizabeth Woodville's favourite wine no mamsy wine so that every time she drinks it she thinks of me right that's fucking insane yeah it's crazy it's crazy so he he's drowned in a barrel of mamsie wine but

did elizabeth woodville like freder from the godfather no they hated each other right so so actually thinking of me dying when you drink your favorite wine is actually just a really good thing i i thought that as well that's that's like saying oh uh when i'm gonna kill you uh i want i want to die in front of your favorite film so whenever you watch your favorite film he seems like he was a little bitch and didn't really understand you know even in death it's like well yeah brilliant But to be fair to him, his brother is six foot four is a giant and his other brother is disabled with the bendy spine, so he gets all the attention

and the big guy's big. Yes, it's true. He's kind of, he's a classic middle child. Classic middle child. Right. So 1483, Edward VIII died suddenly, too much eating, and his son, the beautiful sweet boy number one,

is a gorgeous little thing. He is named, you know, he's 12 at this point. The oldest one's 12, the younger one's 8. by the way don't threaten me with a good time the 12 year old boy is already a widow

no it's the younger one oh it's the younger one yeah the the nine year old has been gorgeous sweet twink two gorgeous sweet twink two on this timeline he's he's been widowed for three years

that's amazing because he got married when he was five because now these days you have millennials doing Edinburgh shows about struggling to adult you know

I don't feel like an adult you're 35 shout out of your bills whereas back in the day this guy's already been widowed. He's eight years old. He's been married for three years and his wife died. Yeah. Yeah. He died age nine and he was married longer than you've ever been. Yeah. I mean, yeah, he's, he's walking. He's already a dad and he's seven years old. He's walking

around houses knocking on wood, sir. And yeah. What's this made of? What's this made of? When people are saying, oh, I came up from, from San Orban. Oh, how'd you get there? Yeah, he's already doing that. Did you go home 25? Did you go local roads? Because they're, they're not mark down there the night rolling his eyes the old ball and chain

where he goes fucking on the blower again yeah so gorgeous sweet twink two widowed I think at age

seven eight something like that he's also in charge of the administration of Wales yeah but he's a full

grown adult he's getting it done I trust him he lived a full life he's lived a full life age nine he's working the grindstone he's doing a job

he's done more than I ever he's just drowning in paperwork the wife's fucking nagging i reckon maybe they maybe these boys killed themselves yeah because they were married and they had to look after whales who knows anyway edward the fifth the beautiful sweet boy number one 12 year old he is made king and i think what we should do is we should end this episode here uh given we have completely and inarguably set the scene yes for what's going to happen we couldn't be clearer for the wars of the roses yeah um So we're going to, in our next episode, we will carry on the story. We will see what Richard does.

Who done it? We will find out what happens to the beautiful sweet boys in the tower. Yeah. As you've said, the English medieval 9-11. Another one. Another one. And that episode is already on our Patreon, where for £3 a month, you can become a truth and get access to all the week's episodes, first thing on a Monday,

and a bonus episode every Friday. But either way, thank you so much for. listening, watching, and we shall see you next time. Bye-bye.