Fin vs History - A Suckling Biggins | The Aztecs (Part 5/5)

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

Tenochtitlan is besieged and defeated by the Spanish, and with it goes the Aztec knowledge of how to cook Gay Men - the Wagyu Beef of the Cannibal world The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Listen closely. That's not just paint rolling on a wall. It's artistry. A master painter, carefully applying Benjamin Moore-Regal-select eggshell with deathly executed strokes. The roller, lightly cradled in his hands, applying just the right amount of paint.

It's like hearing poetry in motion. Benjamin Moore, see the love. Welcome back, history heads. It's the final part of our five-part colossal series on the Aztecs. I'm here with Horatio Gould. You've not really gone for any Aztec. No, I hadn't really thought about it. And then you started it.

And then I panicked. I went, I jumped the gun very early. there. Yeah. Well, what is an Aztec accent? It's a bit of that. That's not that.

It's not that. That's further north. What is it then? It's a cut a lot. Tuttec greetings spoken in a wattle. Yeah. A Tustac greetings spoken in a wattle. We're often expressions of mutual respect, my being.

A common greeting was nitsi. Nitsi. Quail tutluck. Blood. Blotin. So should we, you know, let's just, we're on part five. It's our first ever part five.

Congratulations. Congratulations to us. You know, the rest of the issue did this in eight. We think that was quite baggy. Yes, it was baggy. They didn't, you know, I think we could really be doing the history in five, I think. So I only split a cork and Dominic. Yeah, come on, mate.

We get it. You've written a kid's book. We've all got a kid's book in us. Some of us just are not allowed to publish it. It's an illustrated version of the Quran. And when the market moves, I will publish it. When the the theocracy changes. When the theocracy changes, when everyone just chills out of it,

I will publish my illustrated kids' version of the Quran. The main character is just a question mark Dominic Sandbrook's favourite foods in the 1970s include fin discreet pancakes Monster Much crisps and curly whirlies Yeah I imagine he

He's got a pretty beige food taste Yeah I think it's pretty British That guy loves a Hawaiian pizza I think he's a patriot When it comes to the plate Yeah yeah yeah He's a plate triet Is that somebody

He likes British food It's a platriot Yeah it's a plate triet It's they won't touch anything That's not British food It's a plate trip I like that I like that as a concept

That's a nice kind of person It's like, I know it's not the best food in the world But I'm a plate trip But I'm a plate trip Yeah, Tom Holland enjoys sushi Exactly He's not a plateau He's a fucking traitor

He's godless He also loves potatoes in any form And appreciates cod Which is itchy to cook There you go He's a cod appreciator Is it yeah That sounds like a slur

It does I ever do have a talent For making anything sound like a slur I think it's just the tone You fucking cod appreciator He's a bit of a Bit of a cod appreciator If you know what I mean

That's the wrong Tom Holland, Charlie, that's, um, that mentions Zendaya. Yeah. I don't think Tom Holland from West history is boning Zendaya. We don't know. She might get confused. Yeah, she may get confused. She's like, oh, Tom, can you, can you bang me please?

It'd be like, um, it'd be like parent trap, but it's the rest of history trap. Latin American street food. Yeah, exactly. It's woke nonsense. Crom. Cromwell, what's he called Cromwell? Um, Dominic Sambrook. Sambrook, he likes.

He likes Cromwell. He likes Cromwell. He likes crumwell. He likes crumpets. Fish and chips on Friday's because he's a platoid. He's a proud plate shirt. He will not have anything that's beyond this island in his mouth. Anyway, where are we?

Now, what I was going to say was, it's our first fifth parter. Obviously there'll have been some greedy fuck pig patrons have gobbled this up in one go, like the pigs they are covered in slurry. But for our more restrained Presbyterian viewers, could you just maybe summarize where we've got to over these five parts. Oh, wait, for the whole thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give us a quick recap.

Right. So basically, Cortez has, is a boring old lawyer clerk. Yeah. From the middle of Spain. He has ambitions. He's someone who probably lives in fucking, I don't know, he's on the outskirts of London. Yes. You know, at lower middle class.

Yep. He's sat being an estate agent. He's at Foxton's. You've done 30 seconds and we just, all we know about this. He works at Foxton's. Right. And he has designs on bigger things. So he goes out to the new world to Cuba and becomes a clerk there.

And then by orders of his commander-in-chief, whose name is Velazquez, he gets sent to explore rumors of people with big ears. And dog heads. And as soon as he gets put in charge of his own ship, he gets a pimp chain on. He says Crunk ain't dead In big diamonds He has a fur coat And he starts affecting a pimp, limp Velazquez sees this and thinks

Well, I feel that you're going to go rogue So I'm going to cancel this He goes too late I've already bought the necklace I throw the receipt away I'm in charge He sails away Lands in Mexico

Luckily find some shipwrecked Spaniards Who one of them had gone native one of them had learned Mayan and then he'd found a slave girl who spoke Mayan and Nawatel so he uses that to finally be able to communicate

through this sort of Chinese accent whispers and then he sets off and follows the rumours of this city of gold and as he travels down towards the city that will end up to be to Nostoklan Montezuma keeps

sending parties to try and kind of suss them out, try and him off basically he gets there and it's just yeah montezuma acts all weird right it's kind of like they're both confused about how to act with each other yes right and then go on i was going to say i could probably summarize a bit more concisely the aztecs are people eating savages and cortez a great man from spain arrives uh sorts them out goes back because someone's trying to sort him out he says no thank you uh goes back gets roundly spanked loses all his gold

and now he is regrouping, planning an attack He's melancholy at the moment but he is determined to get his shit back Yeah, so this guy loves gold He's Spaniard who loves gold He doesn't want this all to count for nothing

No, hundreds, maybe thousands of Spaniards are dead So it's not all bad But the Cortes is regrouping With all his allies, the Slash Carlins Yeah, but it is interesting how the Spaniards talk about how bad English tourists are, you know, or Tracer

City Centre if they're on a way day. Yes. So look how they treat in a foreign city. This is nothing, you know, like all those England fans in Marseille, chucking in plastic furniture around. I mean, this is... Way worse. This is far worse. Marseille's still there. The Spaniards in the 16th century,

they decimated an Oshut-Wank. Yeah, it's literally, it doesn't exist anymore. So what Cortez does after he's regrouping after being roundly spanked by the savages, and he captures Tenderly spanked. Sorry?

Tenderly spanked. He's a massive horn dog and he's being tenderly spanked. He begins capturing anyone who helped the Aztecs and he brands them as slaves. They have a big G for get-out war. Supreme badge he puts on like a high piece.

He just doesn't obey. He just puts that there. Just stitches it on the... Stone Island badge on the arm. Yeah, get the badge in for all the paintings. Get the badge in. So he brands them all as slaves. They're all wearing the Stone Island badge.

And then he devises this cunning scheme. Okay. So he needs to get the city back. Yeah. Bear in mind he's at no point as he had any authority to do anything he's done. Yes. So he needs to desperately have a fuckload of gold to show the King of Spain that this is all for good, good reason, all for gold. So he goes, he decides to build 13 brigantines, which is a small warship.

Brigantine sounds like one of your middle names. Yes. Horatio Edward Brigandigal gold. and he decides to launch a full naval assault on Lake Texarkoff. This is quite ingenious because, yeah, he gets a ship builder when he goes back to the coast, I think,

and brings them over and then they have to carry loads of like the ship materials. It's sort of like IKEA furniture. Yeah, they have to run it over because that's going to be the big turning point, right? But how long? The walk is like hundreds of miles.

I never really understood the journey. Yeah. Because whenever you're reading about it, it was just like, They went through there and then they arrived. Yeah. It's like, well, that journey sounds fucking awful. Huge.

Through the jungle, the snakes everywhere. Yeah. There's no path, really? No, no footpaths. There's no sort of styles, kissing gates, none of that. Country code, shut the gate behind me. It's a lovely country pub. We'll walk 20 miles and we'll have a slap up.

At the cricketers. We'll have a slap up meal at the cricketers. We'll have a steak and ale pie because I'm a platiot of course. Won't be doing with any of that foreign muck. But not only that, but they're carrying boats through the jungle. So they've got to. carry, like, these poor slash carlans have got, I mean, it's 10,000

slash carlans he has, right? So he only has about 500 Spaniards. Yeah. 10,000 flash carlans. So really, you could say this is a slash carlans assault on Tenoshti, that's what I'm saying. They destroy the city, ultimately. You've got to give them agency in the story. Please. And we've got one on. Yeah, yeah. We've got, joined by

a trash carlans. Live in the studio. Oogabooga, welcome. Now, while he's planning and building these ships, Uga-Bougar. What? Uga-Buga? That's what they do

on one of those at the Jeremy Carl's show and he's here tonight Uga-Buga and he just comes in with a... Wait, the name's Uga-Buga. No, that's me saying hello in Tashkarland.

What did you think I was doing? I don't know, it was pretty U-Gabu-Bugue is a nonsetal phrase off to those with a caveman or a primitive state of game. There you go. Used to pick the character

who's not very intelligent or sophisticated. Thank you. A childlike mentality. These people don't have wheels. What would you ask him if he was actually here. Oogabuga?

Yeah, what would you say? Well, how would I say it? Oogaboo? No, what would you, what would you ask? Uh, I'd say, what did you have for breakfast? And then he'd say, whatever. And I'd say, take that foreign mock out your mouth. Yeah, and you're a plate triot now.

You're a plate to it now. And I'd give him, uh, some crumpets, hot crumpets with marmalade. Yeah. And a breakfast tea. And I'd say, get that, get that down you and swear allegiance to the king. That's what I'd say. Because if I'm anyone in this story, it's called. I won't be having any of this.

And stop bumming people as well. Stop, stop all this uga-buggery. Uga-Buggery. Yeah, it's in there somewhere. Anyway, while this is happening, while Cortez is building these ships, there is an army far more destructive than his working its way through Tenochtitlam.

Oh, really? And this is an army of viruses. Oh, you set me there. Did you not get when I was going on the shoulder? I was like, go in there? And then you post it through my legs. I'm embarrassed. A right hook. That's Louis Suarez versus David Louise.

Just plowing through him. PSG. Smallpox, one of the soldiers that Cortez had defeated at Veracruz, one of Nevaez's troops, when he joined Cortez's team, went back to Tenochtetland before that all kicked off again. He brought Smallpox with him. Now, smallpox, yeah, it's a nasty cold, really? No, no, no, no, I don't think so. I think your skin bubbles. Yeah, what actually is it?

It's eliminated in the 80s, but then there's a vault in Antarctica where they've kept. Why? Why have we kept it? Just in case they wanted, like, recreate a mission impossible villain. I mean, what's the point in keeping...

The reason is, if it comes back, they need to have antibody, like, they need to have a way of making it. Why don't you just keep the antibodies? I think that's what they're doing or something. It's something where they might need it. I don't know why the Chinese are still allowed a virology lab in Wuhan.

I'm like, what the fuck you... We've seen what happens now When you're getting fucking careless with it Oh there we go Homo Simpson walks out of the Thing drops But smallpox symptoms They include a sudden high fever

A headache A skin rash From yeah blisters and scabs Bubbling up Quite warty On your body It's a warty disease Ribbed for not your pleasure

No Ribbed for your discomfort For your discomfort The ways of curing or preventing it were included keeping guinea pigs Now is that just to cheer you up? What's that for? Using Adder's fat lotion

Is it like? Tying red ribbons around your legs. Sorry? It's like having a chin chinchillas. Yeah, I love chinchillas. Do you know the flat I moved into in Bristol when I left uni who stayed there for a year The guy that had been in the room before me

had kept 10 chinchillas in the room. Right. So the place was just a fucking mess. Stank. Ten chinchillas. And they're just, they're just free, free roams. I think they were caged. Right.

But it just felt so bad of like sweaty rodent. And he'd cleared out when you'd arrived. Yes, but there's like, you know, there's the odd like little droppings. There's, there's hay. That's a chinchilla dog hybrid. No, it's not. It's an AI. Did you genuinely just think that was a chinchilla dog?

Why not? You can blend any animal. probably more or less to some extent right like you could can you i think you have a chinchilla giraffe a whale chinchilla what episode was it in this series where you just showed a footage of a dog fucking a cow that was about two episodes ago it was one episode ago right okay have you seen this what a dog shark that one i thought that was real but it's it's not apparently you thought this was real when on first glance yeah what what first glance first glance Charlie goes oh that's a dog shark do you want to explain why that is so for people who are listening if you can

switch to video, I would now. There is an underwater image of a shark with a dog's snout and sort of a mix of dog and shark teeth. It's clearly AI generated. But thankfully

the human race isn't just Charlie. Well, can you breed anything? I don't think you can breed anything. Could you, if you did it in a lab? Guys. Pig monkeys? They did that. That's a pig blended with a monkey. Is it? Genuinely. That's what I got. It's our monkey pig.

In Cuba, why are they doing that? Just to prove my point. You can blend a lion and a tiger to make a liger. Yeah, but isn't that, they're not real, are they? They're real, they're real, lion tiger blend. I think that's real. So you can blend them. So within reason, you could, you can't do a dog and a shark.

Yeah. But you could. Yeah, which is news to you. Like the horniest dog in the world. Yeah. Somehow fine, gets the dog, starts fucking shagging a shark. But what's the limits of what a human can breed with? a human could have a pig.

No. Human pig, man. I think you could probably, you could probably impregnate a pig. You couldn't do the other way around. A pig couldn't impregnate a woman, but I think a human could have pregnant a pig. But I think once you bring a human into that,

the pain that creature is going to suffer. Yes. Like, the poor human pig, just, it's going to be forced to have a big social media account, isn't it? Kill me. It's going to have a social media account, but it's like, you know, just kill me.

People who are really disfigured have accounts being like, oh, my day in the life of whatever, but this pig's so unhappy. Please kill me. me. It's called a chimera, a chimera. And it's going to be verified on Instagram, and it's like, another day, a...

My life is a looming hell. Life is pain. Oh, my God. Why is that kind of sexy on the right? There's a sexy... Oh, she's twerking. Pig woman? Yeah, this is R-slash speculative evolution.

You're on. So it's not real. Yeah, she'd look like that. But you shoot it on exit, probably. You just prove... Shoot it on exit? Yeah, you just... As it comes out, look, it's a great deal.

for science bang get that you volley it you volley it yeah yeah as if it's been

as if it's a drop kick in rugby yeah it falls out you wait for it to do a small bounce Johnny Wilkinson against Australia

2003 90th minute what's you gonna do bang let's get back to smallpox not not pig men

yeah that's not the epidemic that the Aztecs are suffering with this virus does not turn them into pigs

or dog sharks but this is the big thing right smallpox this is actually above all things this is the number one killer. But also this was always going to happen.

Yeah. This was inevitable. Yeah, if you do blame the Spanish for smallpox, that is woke nonsense. That is woke nonsense. Yeah. You can blame the Spanish for many things. But then you can blame the Mongols for the Black Death. That was their fault. And I blame the Chinese for COVID. The line of when I will stop blame people for pandemics is probably Poland. Anything east of Poland, it's your fault.

Anything west of Poland, well, that's just fate. that's just the way the way the world goes you know you win some you lose some well they lost a lot I think they lost they lost everything they've won nothing they've lost everything yeah sorry that's what that was saying is for the Aztecs that old Aztecs saying you win nothing you lose everything

that's just being an Aztec reading playing learning stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision they slow down the progression of myopia so your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes.

Light the path to a brighter future with stellus lenses for myopia control. Learn more at slur.com and ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Yeah, it'd be funny if there was like an Irish pandemic. I can't imagine, I mean, I guess there is

and it's, you know, what do you mean? Irish people in large urban centres. A pandemic, what? Like a virus that's the island is the patient zero. It's always, you know, it's always the eastern countries that seem to be importing, like the viruses nowadays. Be funny if it was literally... What, like a universally quite light country?

Yeah, or just like a sort of jolly country that everyone's like, oh, it's the most romantic accent. They're great lovers, they're fun drunks, their poets. And then it was just some kind of... Alcoholism, I guess. Yeah, I guess that's their main thing, isn't it? They could export that. Anyway, paddy pox is not a thing yet. So, the smallpox epidemic devastates the Aztec world.

of thousands have died by late 1520, which is when Cortez is deciding to regroup. Yeah, so I didn't realize that smallpox was rattling through the Aztecs so soon after it arrived. Yeah, because, well... I guess it's so infectious. I mean, yeah, so how

do you catch it? Is it just come into contact with it? I guess they weren't doing a stay indoors. They weren't social distancing. Yeah. They weren't wearing masks. Yeah. Comedy was still happening. They're very anti-vax. They're very anti-vax. They're very anti-vaxes of people. It's quite a sweet name for what it is

because the black death is obviously quite a kind of heavy name. Yeah, smallpox sounds like a northern like a pet name. Yeah. You know that smallpox? A pox. Come on. Come on, our kid. Come on smallpox.

Get down from there. But it even kills, um, Cweetlewack, who's the new emperor. But you have no idea what's going on. This is so much sensory overload, right? They've arrived. They're fucking big dogs with big dicks. Yeah. Your whole world's been turned upside down.

And now everyone's, is getting blisters and dying. And there's nothing you can do. Death occurs about 10 days after the onset. Christ. Right. So it's rattling through it. It's rattling through them.

So the Aztecs have had an absolute batting collapse. Yeah. They brought small pox on. The middle order is just gutted. It's just, the bales are flying everywhere. The stumps are out of the ground. Yeah.

Big pox, by the way, that refers to syphilis. Really? So big pox, I've got a case of the big pox. Pox positive. Does syphilis give you big warts then? Yeah. You said that. You didn't Google that, Charlie.

Have you had big pox? I've just, I've heard, I've seen. You've seen. I have a mate who had it and he showed me. Right. Is this such thing as a mid-pox? He showed you his big pox? Yeah.

Did he, did your mate have big, have big pox? Yeah, he had big, big fat blisters. Right. From, sinless. On his knob. Yeah. He's all right now. Wow.

And I don't think there were bug chases at this period, were there. Cortez. No, but I just mean like people who were trying to catch small pox for the sexual thrill of it. No, they weren't having smallpox past. Like the AIDS had AIDS parties in the 80s, no, that wasn't a thing. So by late December 1520. So how long, sorry, how long has this been? So the night of tears is in June.

So they flee that. It's like six months? Six months, Cortez is regrouping building ships. December 1520, should we just place this for the list? So I wonder what it's like in the Nostoklan during this. Well, I guess it's been rabbiased point. Everyone's dying. Everyone's dying.

Right. So 1520. Do you remember this one? I fought the last couple. I fought the last couple to be better. This is getting harder the more things we are. 1520 this is this is after

the Wars of the Roses they are completely finished the Wars of the Roses done it is before Kinger from Big Brother shoved that bottle up a fany yeah in one of the great moments of British culture in the 2000s so from that story what would the Aztecs understand

I guess they'd understand a bottle would they know what a bottle is no they if you showed the Aztex footage of George Galloway purring like a cat. They might be like, oh yeah, that's one of our gods. Right, right, yeah. That's the Galloway god. But King are putting the bottle up of Fanny.

Yeah. What bits are they holding onto? Um, they do, because I don't think they have glass bottles. No, well, they, they'd probably have an obsidian bottle. Maybe, yeah. A black glass bottle. And I think they understand sticking something up your fanny. Yeah.

But I hope that's pretty much it. That's the only thing they could really hold on to. It's quite visceral image, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I haven't seen this in a long time. King are masturbating. Well, this is great British culture. 2005.

Where is she now? What's she doing now? That's what I wouldn't know. Oh, she's lying down. My word. Can you find out what King is doing now, Charlie? Podcasts about mental health, I imagine. Probably.

Do you think big brother, now that obviously everyone's got a phone, do you think the magic of all, do you think there's something like this could happen now? Or do you think this is kind of... I mean, it won't have the same sort of innovation if someone did this now, because everyone's doing it now. This was quite like groundbreaking.

Everyone's shoving a bottle up the fan of these days. Tuesday, isn't it? But this time, she was an innovator. She was early doors. Yeah. This is her now. And I think she's a historic figure in the way that Cortez is. It's like some people, what's that Theodore Roosevelt quote about greatness?

Some people are born with greatness. Yeah. Some people thrust a bottle of greatness up their family. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. Anyway, Cortez, by late December, he has got 550 infantry, 40 cavalry, 80, 40 cavalry, 80 cross-borme. And Archibousier's.

And Arcabusier. Another one of your middle names. Another one of your middle names, I think. Yeah, exactly. It's a very fruity name for a man with a gun. Horatio gold. Eight cannon. It's like a semelio, but instead you'll fucking blow people's heads off.

Yeah. I'll just check with the Arcusia if that gun's right for the blow your... You want to commit suicide. Well, you want to get a trained Archibusio. Yeah, of course. Point entry. And then 10,000 slash carl and warriors, which again, I just, you know... It's missing from the...

It is missing from the story. This is a civil war. the Spaniards are consulting on. Yes. This is an Aztec, inter-A-A-Tect war. The Spanish are there in a consulting... They're in a consultancy capacity.

They're not the villains of this tale. Right. Now, before launching the final campaign, he gives a speech to his men on the beach, which is what he's been doing the whole time. You know, before the first time they went, he did like mass on the beach and all this stuff. He tells them that the Aztecs are in rebellion,

but the principal cause of war is to preach the faith of Jesus Christ. Right. Even though, he adds... At the same time, it will bring us profit. Yeah. It's just a lovely little... Yeah.

It just so happens that we're also going to get filthy rich doing this. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. Don't hate it. So these are the rules of conduct for the campaign. No blasphemy. No mocking of officers or captains. No hiding during combat.

Well, depends what kind of combat you're doing. If you're doing a sneak attack. Yeah, you can't take cover. Right. Take your medicine. I like that rule. Yeah. No, all plunder turned over to Cortez first.

And no gambling except for Cortez, who's allowed to play, quotes, moderately. Because he absolutely loves to gamble this guy. He's a big gambling guy. He loves to have a little flatter. Yeah. So he's putting a cumies on the whole time. He's always on.

Oh, fuck. My acca's gone. Ah, fuck. So the Spanish and their allies marched to Lake Texaco, the glittering petrol station in the middle of the Valley of Mexico, and they stay in Texaco. And Cortez sends a message to Quakli to Mac, whatever it's called, saying...

So he's still alive at this point? Yeah, he's still alive, saying, Cortez wants peace. But if he has... Aztecs don't agree, he'll destroy the city. It's quite, he didn't make any bones about that. Fair, it's fair. I was very clear. That's a short message.

Yep. The Aztecs say no. Fair enough. So, a man of his word, he decides to systematically destroy every city around the lake. Slaughtering everyone. The Aztex attempts to flood the Spanish by breaking the lake's dikes. This is, again, this is a different era. You wouldn't say that nowadays. But also, yeah, I don't know who's trying to do what, because I don't know if it's the Aztex of the Spanish.

say breaking the lake's LGBT community but again different time the water they break the lakes diesel dikes

who were defending the lake in their dungarees and their big shoes the bulk heads oh the bulk heads oh one can't stand that

get that back in yep if anyone's interested the Titanic was reinforced with 10 lesbians below deck and once the fifth

one was broken the ship was sunk I don't know who did it but who filled in the canals with rubble to stop the other ones swimming about.

Either or quit on it. All right, right, right. So over the next few weeks, all the surrounding towns are pacified. The aqueduct supplying to Nostitland with fresh water is destroyed. Right. And on one occasion,

Spanish troops shout to the Aztec defenders that they would die of hunger. And the Aztecs reply, well, we'll eat you. So, and you're like, well, fair enough, I guess. Yeah. I mean, that is literally what you're going to do.

Once a cannibal, always a cannibal. Once you've got a taste for the human, I reckon it's quite hard to go back to chicken And they don't mean it A lot of people say, I'll fucking eat you That's like a I fucking eat fucking cunt for breakfast Yeah, he literally does

I eat cunt for breakfast Would you want to fatten your Would you want to fatten them up What would your What would your stance be on fat ones Or would you like a thin like musly Well depends what you want actually Because like obviously a pork belly is lovely

But you don't Sometimes it's too rich Sometimes it's too fatty Like occasionally you want a lean a meat Would you not agree Well yeah Do you always want it fatier I'm a platy

So I want it salted And I want if there's any sauce It's gravy And anything else is foreign mark Yeah I guess really fat people You're sorry Sorry

I'm sorry You can make crackling Oh I love crackling Yeah I love crackling Yeah love crackling Oh don't tempt me So that would be nice Yeah Rick Waller crackling

Would be absolutely great But I imagine If you're morbidly obese The internals It starts to affect the quality of the meat. Wagyu beef, the best beef in the world. That's because it's marbled with fat, so there's

flavor running through. No, but you know that it's just like 10 Japanese blokes? Yeah, massaging a cat. Yeah, so maybe that's the way to do it. Yeah. That you have, um, how Charlie's always in the sauna, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You had them always in like a ham man. Yeah, being like, massage, oiled, and they think they're having the best time ever. And then I'll sneak up on him and shoot me in the back of the head. Why have you got Christopher Biggins up? I'd like to eat him. Right. I've met Christopher Biggins. I've met Christopher Biggins.

Uh, he, almost immediately said that King Charles was homosexual about four seconds into meeting him I think it tastes good I think I'd have him with like honey Biggins and honey yeah suckling biggings suckling bigans would be nice

I'd cook him like beef shin I'd let him fall apart Because also I think he feels like something like He'd go like that as you're cooking him But he's not stuffing his face with McDonald's That's not where his weight comes from it I imagine it's more sophisticated So it's high quality

It's high-collar stuff. You want posh fatty. You want posh fatty because then it will seep into the flavour. Yeah, exactly. And he's probably getting massaged a lot. You don't want working-class fatty. Stephen Fry, another slow-cook winner. And also a man who's often massaged.

Yes, of course. I think a gay men are probably more often massaged. Yeah, no. I said, gay men are the waggoo of the human world. The saunas just loosened the meat. And then you just want to have it on a low heat with a big spice rub. They'll love the spice rub. They'll love the spice up, by the way. Well, they're already paying eight Japanese men to fucking tickle them and massage them anyway.

So it saves a lot of costs. You know that thing of how people want to know that their chicken has had a good life? Free range, yeah. Free range. And they, you know, something tastes better about knowing. There's a piece that descends on you. Do you reckon the same thing happens with cannibals where they're like, well... A battery farm person?

Well, yeah, you want... This fat boy had a very good 10 years. I think if I was going to eat people, I'd want them all to be killed like Lenny. You know Lenny from a mice of men? No, I don't. So you know the idea of this big stupid idiot called Lenny. Right. And eventually, because he keeps accidentally killing people

with his big fat hands and stupid head. George, his best friend, has to kill him. Right. And so he starts telling him stories about their dreams together as he looks off into the sunset. And he's just like, Just tell me once more about the rabbits, George? Yeah.

And then he blasts his head off. In the back of the head. Yeah. That's what I want. That's classy. So I think that's also how you make halibati. allow meat, if I'm not mistaken. Oh, this is human halal.

This is human halal. I might have got that wrong, but I think allow you have to slit their neck, but you kind of sneak up on them. I think they have to hang them upside down, drain the blood. Yeah, they have to do that. But I think there's something about them not knowing they're about to die. Yeah, you have to wash your hands as well, I think.

So I want halal human. Halal humans, yeah. I've told Charlie this actually yesterday that I do think eventually I'm going to kill him like Lenny. Charlie? Yeah, I think eventually, because we do quite a few podcasts together, and I think eventually he's going to get me into too much trouble. It's going to come too hard.

The only way is me, I'm going to tell him about, he's going to, you tell us about the podcast that we're going to do in the future. Show me a picture of a dog shark. Wow, bang. Yeah. Yeah. And it'll go out of my face, but it'll be the only thing I can do. Yeah, it's the kind of thing to do.

Yeah, it is the kind of thing to do. It's the humane thing to do, is what it is. It's to halal, halal slaughter Charlie. um so let's carry on 13 brigantines are constructed inland and finally dragged piece by piece through the jungle and launched into the lake texacococoe this gives the spanish naval superiority as well as the sort of general sense of superiority moral superiority well i mean they don't yeah they don't have technological superiority they've only got canoes right yeah it's kind of like those pedlos that's all that they've got freddy flint off pedlos after the ashes that's what they've got um they've got cross I suppose, cannon, there's no dis supply lines. The Aztecs respond by widening the canals and digging defensive pits along the causeways and sort of setting barricades up. So the assault begins on 1st of June, 1521.

And essentially, what starts is this mad tennis match where in the day the Spanish attack and then like ruin all the defences and then at night, the Aztecs rebuild them all and it's just like trench warfare again and again and again. So Spaniards have run out of gunpowder And they just start throwing cannibals with their bare hands That's good stuff Shotputting them The 10th of June

That's where the dikes come in handy The dikes come in handy for the shot puts Yep That's a lesbian sport The shot put The Spanish break into the city In the 10th of June Reach the main square

And then are driven back This is it Oh yeah So this is what you're talking about To deny the Aztecs cover They demolish buildings as they Yeah So the destruction of Tinochetland

Sort of starts here really As they're working their way in they're destroying all the buildings for cover they're also filling in the canals with the rubble so there's no way for the Aztecs to move about so it's just slowly moving in and in destroying the suburbs and Alvarado Cortez's number two

he's ordered to sleep on the causeway the bridge to stop like assaults but he kept returning to shore every night to sleep with his native gial you know can't judge a man I know exactly

now the anniversary of the Notche Triste the sad night, the boo-hoo, weepy, weepy. So a year after... Are they celebrating anniversaries for this? I don't know. Well, they sort of do, in that they launch a massive assault.

Right. So on the 30th of June, 1521, about a month into the siege, a year after the La Loche Triztee, the Spanish launched this huge assault, but they stumble straight into an Aztec ambush. Uh-oh. Cortez was surrounded and captured,

about to be taken for sacrifice, when some Spaniards just chop the Aztec's arms off and holding it. him. So I imagine there's a moment where like the arms are still holding him, but there's no one on the arms. It's quite fun. That's a bit of fun. That's like a Keaton stunt. Yeah. Yeah.

50 Spaniards are captured and then they're taken up to the Great Temple and they're sacrificed and the Spanish see the Aztecs dancing before they pull their hearts out. I mean it's fucking terrifying. Yeah. Absolutely terrifying. The Aztecs then capture a lot of Spanish weapons like crossbows. They've got no idea how to use

them, which is a sort of recurring theme of colonial conflict throughout the next 500 years. Yes. Now, morale is starting to decline in the Aztecs. Because bear in mind, they've only really done, like, dance-offs. And now this is a full-on European early modern siege. Like, they're cutting water, food, they're attacking them every day. They've got barricades.

It's not ritualistic. It's not symbolic. No. There's no, like, two-step ganglam style. There's no bit of fun. It's a crushing siege. It's not gang and then we chop all your heads off at the end. Yeah, yeah.

It's not twerk, twerk, head off. So the Aztecs then what they do To try and get into their heads And this is really horrible stuff Go on They flay Spanish heads Take the skins off the heads Put them on

And then ooh Oogabooah Oh it's alive Oh no Oh shit no So but they do this mainly To the slash carlins Right

To try and spook them So many of the natives They desert them Temporarily Right so it does work It just sort of work. Yeah, I mean, spooky. Now, despite all of this... Something you give me the ick about that guy. Yeah. It's because he's wearing my brother's face.

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So the Aztecs fight with relentless bravery Many Spanish sources suggest that this is obviously Because they're on drugs Piotay, Magic Rushman Yeah, but this is just a lot of straight-edge people saying They're probably on drugs Probably on drugs, absolutely animals What do you think?

I mean, in terms of taking magic mushrooms And then fighting, do you think? What do you think that does, do you think it makes you kind of Are you having, are you loving it? Are you having like the best time ever Or are you having the most terrified? Wait, wait, wait, wait, what's the question? Taking mushrooms and then fighting

Are you having the best time ever? Or are you absolutely terrified? Well, it depends if it's a good trip or bad trip isn't it? No, I think it automatically a bad trip. I think it's automatically a bad trip. Really?

Yeah, because you can have good trips or bad trips if you're sat in your living room but if you're something bad happens to you it's immediately a bad trip. No, if you're like enjoying the fighting when it kicks in. I don't think magic mushrooms wouldn't work like that. I reckon it's like star mode

or marrow cart where you're like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding but have you ever been, have you ever smoked to join and then had to be in public even. Yeah, it's awful. Imagine that on magic mushrooms but people are trying to kill you.

Yeah, I think it's automatically a bad trip. It's a bit like... I guess you could go so far that you don't know you're in a battle. You masturbate too soon to going into public and then you just feel everyone knows

everyone knows yeah you can't look at people in the eye can't shake hands with anyone someone asks you at the time you go oh I'm sorry I came are you expecting them to go were you just wanking earlier like an old woman comes up to you

sorry can I just have the time you were just wanking weren't you can I just shake your hand can I just you just masturbate can I just stop shake your hand there so yeah by late July

Spanish had seized much of the northern section of the city. The northern quarter. You're right, the northern quarter. It's where all the vintage shops are. Great brunch in the northern quarter. You don't need to go out of that fucking London. We've got the northern quarter. Fuck, sure, ditch.

Anyway, quita whack still refuses to surrender. So the Spanish, they try and convince Cortez to build a catapult in one of the temples. Oh, I brought a catapult. Hey what? I brought a catapult in one of the others. Of course, yeah. So I didn't think they would be using catapults where they are. yeah they are completely failed but it completely fails

and then this is this is the great this is the best bit of the story oh yes bear in mind this is this is this is the big this is in the film this is one of the big yeah this is the big moment this is slow motion the music swelling right so this sums everything up right this siege this siege this siege this has been going on for or eight months basically yeah nearly seven eight months right and how long since we'd be doing this podcast it feels like seven eight months oh what do you mean no genuinely we started no the whole pod oh right jan we started january It's now end of May. So it was like four months.

Five months. Right. So, yeah, this is three months more than this. Yeah, exactly. It's how long the whole siege would have taken. And so think about how much content you've listened to. Yeah. And you'd still have three months of siege left.

Crazy. So, eight months of bone crushing siege. And the Aztecs go, right. It's time, Mr. President. Get the football. Eight months of bono killing siege. Deploy the code. Deploy the code.

Yeah. The guards That's the briefcase I'm pressing the button I don't want to have to do this The red button I don't want to have to do this This is literally the last resort

You leave me no choice Spanish But to play the nuclear option Which is A massive big guy Dressed up as an owl A big man In a morph suit Break dancing

A children's entertainer Dressed up as a massive owl Comes out And see now I'm warning you right i'll push the red button ooh this huge owl comes out

the quest the ketsal owl warrior and bear in mind the Aztecs have been they're from a world of ritual warfare yeah this usually where it's kind of half play half war it's a play where half the audience get taken away to be sacrificed

which after most plays I'm like yeah I'll sign up fucking cut my head off take my heart out this is fucking dull but the owl comes out and that's usually signals the final act of the war right and it's seen as an omen of victory so brilliant um again it's not really how well it works it's kitchen sink time isn't it it is it's great right get the owl out yep we won the owls out um anyway he does a battle cry

his battle cry is something like now now aztex let us take the sword of which you de potchli the arrow immediately you will see our enemies flee and the spanish after being initially a bit confused, shoot him to death with crossbows. Right. And one account says that he was standing on a terrace, then suddenly fell down and no one could see it anymore. So that's the nuclear option has been robustly. That's, yeah.

That's it. It's done. That's it. That's kind of the end of the war. In the rest of history, that sort of very baggy eight-parter that they do on the Aztecs. They say this is sort of the moral defeat, really. After this, the Aztecs going, well, if you're just going to shoot our nuclear weapon out of the sky, then what's the point?

this isn't fun anymore it's not fun anymore well this is clearly I thought this is all that's not cricket yeah what are you doing you can't just shoot the owl

that's a protective species so this kind of deflate the adatex they realize that you know they've got nothing if the owl doesn't work yeah

well then there's nothing what kind of dances the owl guy doing is it sort of is he body popping ooh ooh he's doing the robot

oh yeah he's doing the David Brent he's doing the David Brent yeah but after the after the owl after the owl dies um envoys

Aztec envoys tell Cortez that quita quietamack or whatever the king would be like uh yeah we'll come meet you then fine the negotiation can start and this is actually the most heartbreaking bit of the story this is the sad bit is that Cortez waits

for four hours in a market and he stood up I mean that is absolutely a absolute disgrace we've covered lots of bad things on this podcast This is the worst thing as... Four hours. Four hours.

Look, I'm not the most on-time person in the world, but four hours is taking the fucking piss. This is a busy man. He's got things to do. He actually understands the laws. Four hours. I mean, the disrespect. It's one thing to get a man dressed as an owl out.

That's incredibly insulting and terrifying. But to then stand him up for four hours, the Aztecs would be ashamed of themselves. They deserve everything they get. They've not covered themselves in glory at all. They deserve everything they get. In my... If he was up to me, they'd be getting AIDS as well as the smallpox.

Well, okay. Wow. Yeah, I mean it. I absolutely mean it. Big gay pox is also called. So, Cortez then launches another massive assault. The killing or capturing in the Spanish estimate, 40,000 people. When he was stood up?

Yeah. What is you going to do? We've all been stood up on a date and think, right, I'm going to take out this entire borough. So, the 13th of August, 1521. Over two years since the discovery. Yeah, the middle of the Edinburgh fringe. Yeah, that's tough. That's the day off, isn't it?

That's the Black Monday. A comet appears, and the Aztecs take this as a sign that the end has come. Right. The Aztecs are obviously very influenced by what happens in the sky, because they're, you know, they're thick. Fine. So they, you know, like in Apocalyptic, which we're going to do a patron review of this week, that when the eclipse happens, they're all like, oh, right, fine. Well, yeah, in Apocalypse, the eclipse happens and they stop rolling people's heads down.

They've been rolling people's heads down for like two weeks, just nonstop chopping people's heads on. And then a once in a millennium event. They're like, okay. Oh, okay, fine, fair enough. It's worked. Yeah. So the next morning, thousands of Aztecs tried to flee the city by canoe, but a brigantine spots of them.

All right, so that's the last draw. Yeah. Again. A common. A comet. Oh, fuck. Right. We better get out of here.

So, um, Cortez basically captures quite Kuita, Watt, Kuwaita Wock, whatever. Coetamok. And he says, um, he quotes some Roman emperors, which is kind of like incorrectly. Right. This is how he sees himself. Yes. And then Quetamok says to Cortez, I've done what was my part to defend myself, my people take that dagger you carry at your

side and kill me and he just come out of watching Hamlet and Cortez goes no actually you're going to be allowed to rule but with Spanish oversight and then four years later he's hanging for treason anyway so but they burn his feet which

Tom Holland goes on about that for ages how bad that must have been really sore but there's a lot of ways you can burn a foot so is it how bad is it well bless him they're actually just trying to make him dinner right You're trying to smoke his own feet They put a salt rub in it

They so they brine the feet The foot's a tough part of the human body Right you want to brine it first Overnight ideally in the fridge Over coals Oh a lovely bit of mixed foot grill So They then having completely

Destroyed the Aztec city Defeated the Aztecs Taking their owl down Cortez is like Get in the sea And fucking find that gold Yes You lost me last year

or the sand of the gold I know it's in there now the aftermath of this is that Sun was found in the pond oh that's interesting so they sounded a little bit but like

all the gold is just at the bottom of the lake and then I wonder what happened to it because the lake appears as it's the Spanish basically fill it in but then shouldn't they drain it

they drain it and then so only some was found that's kind of interesting maybe it was like looted I don't know but interestingly they've only really started

finding all the ruins of this stuff in the 70s in Mexico City. Yeah, it was like a builder drilling down into like a basin or something. And they just found the temple where all the sacrifices happened.

So Cortez does... Because now, I don't think we've even said this, but now on top of Tunishta clan is Mexico City. Yes. So it doesn't look at all similar. It's the idea of this

glittering Venice on a lake. Which is the biggest city in the world, is it? Up there. It's not the biggest. I think Tokyo's the biggest. And there's a couple of Chinese ones that are bigger. But it's top five for sure.

And it's, yeah, so I think like 20 million people live there maybe, maybe 25. It's fucking huge. And it is weird that the capital is just built on top of Tenochtla, but there's not really any reminence. It's not like there's an old town or anything like that. Well, they've not preserved it, have they? The Mexicans.

Yeah. You know, say what you want about the Brits, but we're proud of our culture. Well, you've got to say, yeah, it should be like grade one. I don't put the pyramids, that's grade one listed. Put some blue plaques on the pyramids, lads. You know, if you don't want us to destroy them. Yeah.

Put a blue puck on. It's more like, yeah, if you don't put your name on it or else I'll eat it. Yes, exactly. With your house, mate. If it's not label in the fridge, I'm going to eat it. So, we've come to the end of the story. What happens to Cortes in the end, this is kind of the post credits of the film. Cortez lived happily over after.

Well, he lived till he was 62, heavily in debt and then died of pluracy. Well, it's quite a sad story for Cortez because he's lived, he had this extraordinarily eventful time, obviously, in Mexico, but he goes back, and he's still not really given the respect he deserves. Well, no one knows it. So he kind of dies Like we've talked about him more now Than anyone did

After he got back to him So he's like Van Gogh Yeah So no one cares at the time Right No one cares But like I think at one point He even

Burst onto the King's carriage As he's going through Seville Or something Basically saying like Do you fucking know what I've did for you Yeah I'm not getting the respect I deserve I think he was like

Fuck off Kicked him out Who are you Ernan Fuck off So he actually died quite sad And didn't get Any of the credit he

felt he deserved. And to sign up the scores at the end of the, at the end of the five days, between 100,000, 240,000 Aztecs die in the campaign and as many as 40,000 bodies are seen floating in the canals. Right. After the siege, pretty much the entire Aztec nobility or the upper class, they're all wiped out. Survivors are pretty much only just young women and children. And the Spanish tragically lose 100 people in the siege alone. And overall losses in the two-year campaign are about 1,800. Wow. Shocking.

Absolutely shocking. Over 20,000. So there was a lot of them. They just don't appear in the story. 20,000. So I guess to, now we've got to the end of the story. The Aztecs to notheritland becomes Mexico City. Spain's empire in the Americas begins.

Yes. Because I guess the modern Mexican now is actually Spanish. Yes. Well, this is what I was saying at the beginning of the series. I'm interested in how did a blood, thirsty, sort of savage, cannibalistic, ritualistic people with a lot of energy get turned into fat, lazy Mexicans. Right.

Like, that's what interests me about history. Right, right, right. Social stereotype. Sure, sure. And so how have we got to this point, you know, you look at the, the Aztecs, the fearsome mockedezuma, and then you go like, eh? Right. Like, what's that journey?

They're different. They're Spanish. Yeah. But that's what I'm, I don't know. I just never really conceptualized it like that but South America, apart from maybe like Bolivia, places like that but like Argentina, Mexico,

that is just the same way that Americans, a lot of them are British or... Well, Argentina's different. Argentina's like full of Nazis. Yes, yeah. And basically any, any fascist that ever lived had kids in Argentina, that's now Argentinians.

That's why they're like that. Central America, I mean, yeah, it's just... There's a mix of indigenous, but a lot of them is just in the way that Northern Europeans move to East Coast America. Yeah, and what I like about the US and Mexico's

relationship is that it's sort of just carried on the English versus Spanish grudge match that's been going on since time in memoriam. You know, this is since the Armada, since the early days of sale. The English and the Spanish

hated each other. And now that's just been completely wholesale imported. To old world, yeah, to North and South America. Yeah, yeah. But it's very funny to think of the Aztecs and these sort of savage

you know, terrifying people with this sophisticated Bronze Age society as a wetback. Yeah. You know, the slur doesn't hold. Right, right. Choco, whatever they, whatever they're called. What do you envisage if Cortez...

Are you eating? I'm having a bit of yorky, yeah. If Cortez had lost to the Azte... Go on. If Cortes had lost to the Aztex, what would the world look like now? Would we just all be eating each other? It's inevitable.

They'll just set it another way. Someone else would have found them and killed them with smallpox. I mean, Cortez got defeated himself a couple of times. They would have just sent someone out. It was inevitable. This could have happened 100 years later, but that wouldn't have given the Aztecs enough time to... They were fucked.

Yeah, they were fucked from the off. And then another story that we'll do, which is interesting. Cortez's cousin or cousin once removed is Pizaro who does the same story but with the Incas. Oh, is it? So they're actually distally related. Oh, wow, it's all the same family. Yeah, that's crazy.

Bonkers. And it's quite, Pizzerra is quite a similar story. story and that's also an amazing story so we'll do that as well lovely stuff well that brings us to the end of our mammoth fire parter if you want more you more you greedy fucking pigs

what are you a pig dog what are you a man pig are you a fucking man pig and you want more well there's a bonus episode every Friday on the Patreon this week put it in a bottle and shove it up your fanny put it in a bottle and shove it up your ass the old king a special

join the Patreon if you want more and either way, thanks for stopping by and we will see you for a brand new topic next week. Goodbye. Bye.