Fin vs History - A Voodoo Schizophrenic Molesting Himself | Papa Doc: Haitian Dictator (Part 2)

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Papa Doc’s back, immortal & bathing with the dead. How did the President for Life die after being reborn as a God?    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.���  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor  Chapters: 00:00 – A Lesbian and Dicktator  03:19  - Spiritual cross dressing  05:33 – Burgatory  09:59 – Just Poo it  12:34 – Papa for life    15:32 – The Vampire of the Caribbean  17:35 – International law can F*ck off  21:10 – The stinking sixties  22:53 – Papa Doc killed JFK  25:40 – Bathtime  28:20 – Kidnapping to get good customer service  31:13 – Dead guy in arrivals  36:43 – Public executions on Dave     38:09 – Steely Dan, MILFs and divorce tourism  42:03 – Scores on the doors  44:45 – Molesting yourself      Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Inverse History. I'm still with Horatio Gould. And this is part two of our series on Papadoc, the Haitian dictator. Yes. Now, in our first part, we learned that Hashi is the shitters place in the world. That's not just me.

I think that's the World Health Organization's official quote. Top of the league table, they eat mud cookies. They do eat mud cookies. They had a private Tunton Security Force. They had a lesbian MP who was created the gentle mutilation. Well, yeah. I think the lesbian thing,

that's not, we're listing reasons why it's a failed state. I don't know if the lesbian thing was necessary. She was, don't deny her, her sexuality. You're implying that's something to do with the, I think there's bigger structural issues. I think lesbians are quite creative with gentlemen mutilation.

That's what I call lesbian sex. Yeah. Oh yeah, I guess because she was, so this woman was doing cock and ball torture. But because she's a lesbian, I guess she took no sexual pleasure from her and it was purely some sort of

castration against, you know, men, I guess. It's a homosexual who's a gynecologist. Right. It's taking, yeah, taking her frustrations out. Yeah, right, exactly. Voodoo doll.

Yeah, voodolling a man's cock. Yeah. But then it's attached to the man, so it's not really. Yes, I guess it's not really. Who is this affecting? Well, it's me. It's my cock. Yeah, that's not a voodoo doll.

That's just my dick. Anyway, so Devalier, Papadog had had a heart attack, big diabetic stroke in May 1959. And from being an incredibly normal guy, he's suddenly. Suddenly. It becomes slightly strange. Yeah. It radicalised his paranoia. Yeah.

So Clement Barbo, who had saved his life by giving him a lot of glucose. Yeah. He was kind of the caretaker manager while Duvalier recovered. Interim for nine hours. For about nine hours. Right. But Duvalier wakes up and goes, well, you're clearly trying to take my job. He's waking up. He's cross-eyed. He's got a Chinese accident. Why the fuck you're taking my job for? Hey, wag one, man. That's my job.

and so DiValleis has Barbe imprisoned and then ultimately murdered I mean he was back to the corner there yeah so after 1959 Devalier's already quite worrying behaviour changes for the worse he intensifies his purges he accelerates the Tontontonton McCut

and he sort of withdraws further into the sense of ritual the voodoo nonsense one thing in his favour though is because everyone talks about this as like a turning point that destroys Haiti, this leader. But everyone before lasted like 10 hours

that was getting lynched. And he lost fucking 16 years. So there's a level of stability that he brings. Well, I guess it's... Not to be a papadoc truther, but... Well, I guess it's the same guy on the money, isn't it, for 15 years?

There's a level to it where it doesn't feel like there's much to compare it to. Does it matter if the money is sort of meaningless and people are getting killed? But what was it before? well I don't know I mean maybe there was a new guy on the money every every six months but at least you weren't getting yeah fine weren't getting your balls cut off by lesbis a civil servant yeah so he starts to adopt the persona of baron samadie

he is the voodoo spirit who governs the cemetery and so this is a lot of like new orleans tarot cards famous in the jay in live and let die James bond firm with rogermore oh yeah yeah um baron samadie where He's a big top hat and has often painted with a white face. And Papadoc dresses permanently in black, wears a broad-brimmed hat, speaks in a flat nasal monotone, much like our fans. They love freaking themselves out.

Yes. They love it. Yeah, they do. It's spooky stuff. The real Baron Samaddy spoke in a nasal voice because he had cotton wool shoved up his nose. Oh. Sorry, I say the real baron samadie,

that is if there is a real one. In the folklore? I guess so. That sounds like a real fact about, you wouldn't put that into the folklore. Seems weird. Why have you got Mark Lawrence and up? Why have you got Mark Lawrence and up, Charlie?

Quite monotonous. I was wondering if you could... Why do you think Lorreux is Baron Samadie? Yeah. I mean, that's quite terrifying at the end of your bed. It's just like, you're... The game's God. You're dead now.

I'm governing the cemetery, but the cemetery's not been protected from it. No, it's not. The cemetery, you know, it's just not the same as it used to be. Loro providing all the structure of scramble leg on a chair. Yeah.

It's amazing how long he lasted in that job. Really is. I mean, you look at Alistair Campbell now the rest of politics and falling into the chair. Lawrenceon, by four years into the Massachusetts he's just like,

it's like someone's thrown some custard on a cushion. Now, but Devalier, so he starts dressing like Baron Samaday, so all the Haitians think he's an actual witch doctor voodoo god. He starts encouraging rumors that bullets can't harm him,

the illnesses can't kill him, the death itself answers to him. Because he's been close to death and then returned, the population are like, oh, right, so he's actually a god. I mean, there is,

to spook. Yes, they are easily spooked. But then, to be fair, they've had 200 years of complete, you know, they're eating mud cookies. Well, you'd think that if you're eating dirt cookies and it's the shitter's place in the world, you'd be quite sort of hardened to it. Or you'd get more and more superstitious, right?

It all starts becoming quite surreal, I imagine. Yeah? Or is it not surreal? Maybe it's incredibly real. Well, I think mud cookies are quite real. It's not like, what am I like? I'm eating shit for a cookie. Yeah. It's more like, oh, it's this again. Yeah, that's true. So in 1961, Duvalier stages, is a one-man election and that he's the only person you can vote for.

So he's democratically elected? Yep. And he is an incredible victory. Amazing. Over 1.3 million votes to... It's more than Blair in 97. It is. It's the only thing you can compare it to is Blair in 97.

The opposition are wiped out. Right. They get zero votes. You're wondering if they're happy with them or not. There's your proof. Yeah. I mean... Stunning victory.

It's Haiti's Blair... It's completely validated his whole regime. Hope. yeah yes so we should place this 1961 would you like to place this for 1960s so I think this is after Elvis

first ate a hamburger yes and before Elvis ate Sony hamburgas he shot on the toilet and died he died doing what he loved eating hamburgers on the toilet between Elvis's first and last hamburger yes what a journey that was

between the burgers my new biography of Elvis between the burgers sounds like such a disgusting film Between the burgers A book about Papadocca The Haitian leader Yeah

When was Elvis Presby's first burger Do we have any record of that Charlie? When was he born? I mean he ate like a king Yeah Well yeah Is that what king's yeah 35

So I would say his first burger Could have been as early as 1938 Probably Three year old You're not I'm not No you're not giving three year olds Well maybe someone In this part of America

cut up a little bit Have you given any of kids burgers? Have your kids never eaten a burger? No, do they happen? Not even a bit of it? No. When are you going to get in their first burger? I don't know.

I mean, they like sausages. They have a lot of sausages. Right. But you haven't planned that yet. It's more that bird. I guess you're scared that they might end up like Elvis. Yeah, I know what's coming. You have one bite and then just,

I just want their last burger to be after I'm gone, frankly. The earliest noted burger moment was in 1954, but I think he done it. Sliders after his first radio broadcast. Yeah. So Sliders were a thing in the 50s? I think so. Charlie, can we find what Elvis's final, his last meal was? Can we find the order he made? Six chocolate chip

cookies and four scoops for the other ice cream. That was his last meal. Wow. A far cry, an extravagant, fried peanut butter sandwiches. I mean, it's not like Jim Morrison. No, it's not absence and heroin. It's ice cream and burgers. Fuck me. No. Whoa.

Is that him? No. No. That can't be him. It was like Bernard Manning. That's crazy. See, now that's what makes your girlfriend's comment even more frustrating about me. That's Fat Elvis. Yeah.

And she said that. Remind people. My tour poster, my upcoming tour, is me modelling the Elvis suit from the 68 comeback special. You're a big Elvis fan. I'm not a big Elvis fan. And you probably thought you... In proportion, Elvis fan. You look quite good.

I felt good. I thought, I've never worn this much leather. I'm not like Charlie. I'm not wearing leather normally. No. It felt good. I mean, I waddled. Yeah.

The baby came up to you. And went, oh, the new poster is so great. I went, thank you. She went, yeah, man, the whole fat Elvis attack is so funny. And I went, right. Well, it was just Elvis, actually. It was not fat Elvis. You know, anyway.

I mean, the next tour could be you dying on the toilet. Yes. Like you could be squeezing out the tour dates. Yeah. Just white jumpsuit, squeezing out the tour. Anyway. perfectly places Papadoc. It's between the burgers,

the life of Elvis Presley. Haitian food, obviously we've mud cookies. It's funny thinking that those pictures of burgers, though, that was the Lee Harvey Oswald of Elvis. Like, that's what killed him. Do you know what I mean? I look at that pile,

the picture of it. I was like, that's what assassinated Elvis. Yeah, that's the second plane. It's a beef burger. A platter of burgers. Yeah, there's no real conspiracies. He didn't leave the door open for any, doubt.

It's not like an Epstein thing. But is it like killed in a Wikipedia. I don't think he did. Assassinated by a lifetime of eating burgers. A platter of burgers on the toilet. Could you ever be, yeah, he'd have locked toilet door on the toilet trousers down, burger in your mouth. There's no hint of like wrongdoing.

What's gone on here? Yeah. I suspect some foul play. The police are not treated this suspicious. Have you seen those toilet steps? I've got one. But it's not what you think. It's because my daughter needs a step to get up to the big toilet.

But does it double as a shit wench? Yes. Yeah. That's how you're meant to poo, isn't it? Yeah, I know someone who'd like, he brought a girl back and he, you know. Check this out. But he just had that in his toilet. It's like, that's clearly not, you can't go into someone's toilet and they've got like a shit step.

I don't know what the branding is for a shit step either. Do you do it classy and discreet? Or do you go like, poo leather? I thought you meant do I have a branded toilet stuff? No, no, I mean, the toilet steps I've seen advertising TikTok. I don't know. What's the branding? Like, you probably want something sleek and maybe Norwegian just to make it feel like it's not bringing up.

You don't want it to be like trashy and it's like a guy on the logo going, oh. The top of my daughter's poo step is ridged, ribbed for my pleasure. But it means you've got more grip on your feet so that if you're having to work it out, your feet don't fly. Yeah, the friction. I guess is. It's important. It'd be good to have like replaceable ones

so you can like mix up the terrain. Yes. Like brail for your feet. Or you wear AstroTurf shoes. So. You know,

you know, cyclists would have those clip on shoes. You clip in to the poostep so that you do. Poo step remix. What are those called? Those little shit.

What are those? What the shit? Can you do, um, the bike shoes? Like, I just want to see what the brand It's just called a poo step.

Yeah, okay, I guess they haven't... What else are you going to call it? I guess no one's... Ridley Scott hasn't directed an advert for them. He hasn't like... Should we just clarify what we're talking about? I feel like we'd be talking about this for a while. Bum banister, maybe.

A bum banister. I don't think it's a... Basically, I think it's pretty clear what we're talking about. It's a step that you put below the toilets so that you can have your feet raised and it gives you more of an angle. That is how you're meant to poo. You're meant to poo like a Cambodian man waiting for a bus.

Right. Yeah. Knees up. So it's an Oriental thing. It's like a weeb thing. Maybe, I don't know. But no, my, yes. What are they called when you clip in cycling shoes? We're wearing full lycra.

So you're more aerodynamic on the toilet. Helmet as well. Big helmet. We got the velodrome ones. Just the air resistance of pooing really slows me down. Clippless poo shoes, I guess. Yeah. Anyway.

I guess. I guess. So, but we digress. Not for the first time. We're talking about Papadoc. In 1961, he won 1.3 million votes. Stunning. A stunning election victory.

And this vote officially declared that he had been re-elected for a new six-year term. And this is basically the most blatant voting corruption of all time. Like, no one's ever been this blatant with it. There was a New York Times article about how this is even by Latin American standards, this is the most ridiculous sham elections ever been. Yeah, because there's often like

kangaroo court sort of stuff where it's all faked. Yeah. But you'll at least have other candidates. Yeah. This is just kind of just absurd. Well, it's like one and a half million people... I've never heard of it just being one person on the ballot. Yeah, because is it...

I mean, it's a farce that everyone's just like, well, we're going to go... Well, I guess I'm voting for that then. Right. Well... And a lot of people be like, well, if you don't like it, you shouldn't have voted for it. I'm going to spoil my ballot.

What was that even look like? It precipitates, along with some other, along with the US just deciding that they didn't like him anymore. This precipitates the termination of US aid in sort of 1962. In 1964, Duvalier declares himself president for life. Wait, hold up, but 99.9% approval. Yeah. It's pretty good. So he has lost, he has lost 0.1%.

I don't know what 0.1% is. Well, two years into his term, you know, government's always lose all rights. Sure, you do lose a bit. Yeah. Now, the national budget, half of the national budget went to repressing people. What's the important part of the GDP? The Tuntun McCut's. You know how, like, Trump's trying to force NATO to do 3% of GDP for defence?

Yes. It should be like, well, 50% needs to go to repression. Obviously, that's a big part of the GDP. Half of it, repression. He freely embezzles millions of dollars a year from public funds. He had built a fund or he started a fund for, like, renovation. And he taxes everyone. the National Fund for Renovation.

Nothing was ever renovated using the Fund for National Renovation. They started a city... You can't blame him for that. No. It's well, it's infrastructure projects. He started a city called Duvalierville. And it's still...

I think you can still see it. If you'd Google it, Charlie, it's like abandoned city. A vanity city. Now, if you were going to create a vanity city, what would it be called? Taylorville. Taylorville, Taylortown.

Taylor Town. Taylor Town. Taylor Town sounds too silly. Yeah. it does. I guess mine would be like... Gouldston. Gouldston or like Gouldneville, I don't like either.

Gouldston in Kent just sounds like a sort of shit place. I think I'd probably go like St. Gouldberg or like I want to give it something a bit more. Horatio Lopoulopolis. Horatilopolis is good. Thinopolis is good. You know, it's aspirational. Taylor Town just sounds like an absolute dump. Taylor Town does, yeah, no, it does.

It sounds like a speed like this. Yeah, I'm from Taylor Town. Now, a guy called Lukna Cambron, Cambroni, he was leading the Ton Ton Makut through the 1960s, and he had this nickname, the Vampire of the Caribbean. Right, that sounds like a good guy. Yeah, what he would do is everyone he killed, he would steal their blood plasma and then sell it to the US through the company he founded called Homo Caribbean. Founded a company, that's nice. Yeah, it is.

But now, Hema Caribbean, that's not my business, which is Hebe, Hebe Caribbean. Which is the... It's an appreciation science for 15-year-old Caribbean girls. Right. Was Epstein involved in this? Yes, I'm building, I'm standing on the shoulders of giants. I'm building on the work that Jeffrey Epstein does. I found a guy on Instagram who's called Jeffrey Epstein, who just now...

His whole content is, I'm not that one. He's got like 20,000. He's like quite high up in Disney, I think. I think it'd be quite good if someone gets arrested with that name, everyone with that name, and he's to get arrested as well, just to make sure. Just, let's just flush out. Yeah, that's him, yeah.

All Jeff Epstein. Yeah. Poor old Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, that stuff. Pin tweet, I guess I should have, I guess I should have pre-IPs, but I'm not dead and I'm still not that Jeffrey Epstein. Hema-Caribbean was a company that meant he would take all the blood of his victims, and supposedly he would say that, oh, Haitians have got loads of diseases,

so it's got the blood's full of antibodies so it's quite good blood the Americans would buy it but there is lots of reports how this basically contributes to the spread of AIDS really I don't know

I don't know why or how that's yes Charlie Is it called AIDS as a kind of ironic thing I don't think they're being ironic with it Yeah I don't think they name diseases ironic It should be called

unhelpfuls or like not horrible He also sold cadavers to medical schools having bought them from a Haitian for $3 a corpse. I like the use the word cadaver.

It's a meal deal. It implies... Mealdeal. Mealdeal per body. Yes, true. It's less than a meal deal. It's less than a meal deal. Three dollars.

These days. So one of the key, one of the key moments in the Papadoc story is in April 1963, unknown assailants try and assassinate his kids.

So his kids are getting out of a car and then in Porto-au-Prance and the snipers start firing. and they kill the chauffeur, but the children are luckily unharmed. But Duvalier then... He was livid. Yeah, to put it mildly.

He's annoyed. He goes home, he throws his footstep across the floor. Now, he concludes that the only person that could have done this is like a top sniper, Marksman. And so he then thinks of the first person he knows that is that, which it wasn't, by the way, but it's a guy called Francois Benoit,

who, it is a stupid name, if it rhymes. So he's a detective. And so he was an elite sniper who was known critic of the regime but he was innocent. But what Duvalier does is that he sends men to Benoit's home

and Benoit had already sought asylum inside the Dominican embassy. Because he's getting molested. Why is he doing that? What? It's just because he's scared that it's going to happen. He's getting molested? You know, I don't mean molesters

sexually. Molested isn't harassed. Right. He's getting harassed. Macoot forces stormed the embassy searching every room. which is not a cricket, they're not allowed to do that.

Benoit slips away, his family don't, and then... It's funny when you don't obey international law, a lot of stuff's just easier. Yeah. It's like, this is international waters, well, no,

I'll just shoot you from there. It's also, it's really shown up as a sham when you open the door of an embassy, you can't do that, and go, fuck off, oh shit, I guess you can actually. Because it is just a house. Yeah, who's going to stop you?

Like the whole thing's a construct, isn't it? Like the, oh, the, I'm hiding in a hat, Julian Assange. No. Why don't you just go and fuck off? Fuck off. You're Ecuador. I don't fucking care.

Yeah. When it, who's ever, who's, who is Ecuador? What's it ever been? This is a house in fucking West London. Oh, it's Antonio Valencia's house in West London. Who gives a fuck? The guy's, the guy's got one move. He's got one foot.

He's going to go outside. Yeah. Who cares? He played well as right back when he was, who was asked to, though, to be fair to it. Hey? When he was, it was called back into right back. Yeah, but I could play well as a right back if I'm asked to.

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. It's, he was a winger. He was so shit. they went, well, we can't buy another one, to just play right back. And this is Julian Assange's fault. Yes.

Juliannees was hiding an Antonio Valencia's house in London. And for some reason, we just didn't storm the embassy. Yeah, I mean, and then also there was the whole Gaddafi thing when they were just leaning out the window just fucking sprang people.

And they were like, we can't. But that's the great thing. If you don't care about international law, then stuff's very easy for you. Very easy. So Benoit, basically, he slips away, he hides, but his parents, his wife and his infant child and other just visitors to the embassy are just massacred.

So witnesses describe the guards, kicking down the doors, spraying bullets into the family's home, then burning the house to the ground. So rumours spread that Benoit's infant son had survived and been taken alive to Devalier. But what happens next is kind of unknown. Some people think... Somebody the boy was interrogated, but he's like two years old.

Yeah, other people think he was ritually sacrificed, which is... Which is, I would just say I do not condone that. No, I think that's. Or condemn it. I don't, you know, I'm a centrist when it comes to these sorts of things. If you're going to sacrifice a kid, it's better if it's ritual.

Yes. Please at least make it ritual. Yeah. If you're going to kill a kid, you might as well make it. Do come to him here and hum there, or notherty and he or mehury and a hit him. Yeah.

Yeah. Duvalier unleashes nationwide reprisals. Hundreds of people are murdered across Hachey. Corpses are left rotting in the streets for days. And so this basically... So the local councils sort of collapsed at this point. Yeah. There's no corpse pick up.

No. It's all just, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, bin strikes. Bins aren't going. Yeah. I don't know what bin you put your corpse in, to be honest. Food waste. Food waste.

Is it? Do they have different bins in Haiti? I think the countries are bins. You've actually used that too much for that to mean anything. You're right. Hyperinflation. We've come to Haiti and now you call it a bin is the boy who cried wolf. Yeah.

You've called everything south of England a bin. So now it doesn't really mean anything. Yeah, you're right. What is it then? It's landfill. Yeah. Yeah. It's landfill.

The food bin is smaller than the other bins though. Yeah. Which is infuriating. Yeah. My mom has that like a nasty little food bin up on the counter and I just did. Oh, people who do that. And it's like a little slither. And I just, it's so hard to.

People who make it like a little ceramic vase and put a bin. It's like, fuck it's a bin. Yeah. dressing up. It feels like as thin as like a credit card one. I'm fucking trying to squeeze all the... It's all going in the main bin.

Yeah, come on. Fuck off. Fuck off. Outside bin. Skip. I drive to landfill and then I fucking... I drop kick it in. Yeah.

By the early 1960s, Duvalier's Haiti is an absolute nightmare. It hadn't really been a picnic before that. But is the 60s? Has that hit Haiti? Is that, are they getting like the... Is there like a swell of music and culture? Is it the swinging 60s?

or stinking 60s. I think it's a stinking 60s. Now, the fact that people think he's a is a voodoo, sort of witch doctor. Complicates things. Complicates things when, on the 22nd

of November 1963 in Dallas, John F. Kennedy is shot. Allegedly. Allegedly. But, you know, if we're going by the mainstream narrative, he was not killed by burgers. The same thing as Elvis.

Well, if we slow the footage down, we see That's one conspiracy theory. We never covered, actually. Is it the bullets missed, but because JFK is just scoffing burgers in the back seat. Anyway. New Hamburger Oswald. Killed him and Elvis.

So because JFK had cut Duvalier's foreign aid, when Kendi is shot, Duvalier opened champagne bottles, and champagne is served. And he announces to his members of is in the circle, quote, I have succeeded. And everyone's going, what are you on about? And Duvalier immediately starts telling everyone that he had placed a voodoo curse

on the American president because, as we said in the last episode, he had been elected on September the 22nd. He was inaugurated on October the 22nd. And Kendi had been killed on the November the 22nd because his lucky number was 22. I mean, it does sort of add up. There you go. It just kind of works. So are you saying that he had like a voodoo car with a voodoo Jackie Kennedy

and a voodoo july plaza and he voodoo shot his head? He started a voodoole at 22,22 times, right? Exhausting. In JFK, in the head, is it? Now whether DiVali actually believe this or not is kind of besides the point. Haitians start to believe it. And the idea is that if Papadot could kill the leader of the free world, then no one was safe.

It's a good bit of, you know, PR. And at some point he goes to a cave, doesn't he go to a cave? A sacred cave in Hayshi? And he, I don't know, he finds something. And he brings back some, like, right. Oh, demons. He brings back demons. He's just freaking everyone out.

He says that I've got some demons that I'm going to unleash on the island. Right. If you don't, yeah, if you don't behave or whatever. We've all got demons, though. Yeah, they're not mental health demons. It's not like alcoholism. I've gone to a cave and I've found my demons. He's got actual demons.

So he's being interviewed by Stephen Bartlett. And he's talking about his demons. And Stephen thinks it's alcoholism. He's like, no, it's like a big red, scary guy with horns. Yeah, it's a dragon that's going to rape you in the mouth if you don't obey me. And is that a metaphor? Does that represent your struggle with addiction? No.

No. No. It represents your struggle with this demon's dick in your mouth. One of the most disturbing practices is that he would cut off heads of his enemies and then have a bath with them. Yeah. Because he thought he would get their intelligence. Yeah. I'd like to see him try with Charlie, see what happens.

Does it spread? But I guess it's like a sort of lush bath bomb in Haiti. Does it feel? Well, it must do. Yeah. I'm just thinking if, if, you know, if Millie's cookies in Haiti is dirt, then a sort of,

than a lush bath bomb. Muddy's cookies. A lush bath bomb is a guy's head. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. So, I mean, I guess you have a lot of baths, Charlie.

Yeah, I love it in there. You love bath. I don't really ever put anything in the bath other than my body. Water? Yeah, yeah. Good, good. Naked in a dry bath.

He's dry docking. Face down. He's dry docking somewhere else. Wait, I've got that picture. It's like a shit before you launch it. Let's put that picture up. I'll get the picture up. Yeah, that's good stuff.

Just put it in the edit. But it should be said that it should be said that Papadoc is bathing still wearing his hat which is what I like to think are patrons they wear their fedora

in the bath Is this how Papadoc's having a bath? Yeah that's how Charlie If you've ever wondered like Where are you thinking you are at this point Where have you teleported to here But are you treating it like

You know in Harry Potter Where they dunk their head in the Yeah they come out Yeah Are you trying to look at your old memories It's like the beginning of Terminator 2 when Schwarzenegger just arrives. But Charlie's just arrived in a bath and then drown.

I don't know where I think sometimes I pretend I'm in like a river. But mainly it's the sea. Anyway, so Papadoc has a bath with his enemy's heads and he's still got his top hat on. But he thinks that he can gain his enemy's ideas. Right. From sharing a bath with them. Right.

So instead of reading books Yes You just chop their head off and bathe with it Yeah So he claims the dead could speak And they reveal their plots So he's talking to it as well probably Oh yeah

He's talking to a kid having a tea party With his toys Except just his enemy's heads and a boss Yeah Is he making them like kiss Yeah Yeah I guess so

Probably yeah Now for it's all with a Chinese accent As well you've got to remember Yeah it's pretty fucking It's a lot It's a lot at once It's a lot going on. So what do you think of my late?

Yeah, he was a lot, to be honest. He was a bit much. The Chinese accent and their dead heads in the bars. Yeah, it was a lot, man. Kind of overstimulating to be around. Now, foreign journalists, obviously, they love all this. We showed a bit of Wicker's world. He absolutely loves it.

He tells the story, Alan Wicker, in that episode, where Papadok had rung up Haitian Airlines, whatever, to book a flight. And then the boy had been very helpful. this young boy had been helpful at the other end of the phone. And he said, oh, what's your name? He went, oh, do I know that name? He went, yeah, you, that guy was in the army and you arrested him 11 years ago.

He went, oh, right, okay, no mind. You've been very helpful anyway. Put the phone down. Then the next day, the boy's dad came home. Oh, so he just released him because he'd like good customer service. Basically, yeah. Interesting.

So he does have a, there is a level of mercy there. There was social mobility there. you know you can't accuse him of not lifting people out of poverty wouldn't you say there's a state of customer service in this country maybe we should do with a lot more kidnapping yeah kidnap their their really like the power of being like when you're being put on hold or being sent to the manager or manager

would it be great if you'd kidnap their dad press three to blah blah blah how about I've got your dad and if you want to see him again sort it out now virgin media I've got your kids there's a lot to be said for that what's the most you've ever lost it at a cold caller

do you ever actually lose it yeah yeah really that's my therapy do you feel bad screaming no no I mean I do think they're kind of audio punch bags Charlie was shocked there I just think you know they're it's stressful they're not they're not real people

but it's like a punch bag in the garage I know they're real people but I tell them I can't hear I pretend I got bad things but you can't hear so that's not. The point is

is that if chopping wood for you yeah it is the therapeutic sort of the thing is is that if they're not going to speak

to me like they're a real person then I'm not going to treat them as if they're a real person right if they're not going to just

help and lose the fucking corporate bullshit even though they're not a corporate person because they're fucking earning

whatever yeah you know then I'm not I'm just going to use you well it's not their fault

no I know it's not they put them as the men over the trench of people who's actually thought it's

and you're still gonna gun them down am I going to not gun them down? Yeah, I mean, yeah, this is a 19-year-old lad, you know, from Sheffield, who has nothing to do with the powers to be. But he's still in the way of my machine gun,

and he's going to die. Yeah, because that's my job. No, I just, I can't be, yeah, I just can't be doing with it. Is there anything that would, like, if they were, like, nice jumper, would you, uh, would it affect? Charlie, what's the question? What would it, what would it take for you to, like, be scared and not, like, stick it on them and actually respect them?

Oh, yeah, probably that, actually, Charlie. Your question immediately. Nice jumper. Whoa, this is terrifying. We have demanded to clients RBC what it's a fact that does accumulate three-foyle when they scan their card

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Listen now, wherever you get your point. And if you use Spotify, you can watch the whole show too. That's Talk 90s to me. Out every Monday. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now. And it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do.

Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, right now. American Friction! So obviously, the foreign journalists that are writing about Haiti,

they kind of bleed into the myth that he's creating because they love the idea of like exotic voodoo nonsense, goat and trails. There was a thing where, I don't think we had mentioned it last time, He thought he could predict the future by like reading goat entrails. So they love it. They love it. They love it. You salt, you fucking love it.

But the Westerners all love it and that's what makes it worse. And then speechwriters rewrite the Lord's Prayer to address Papa Doc directly. Our Doc who are in the National Palace. And they change the flag colors to associate it with, they make it red and black. Now, by the early 1960s, Duvalier's terror had driven thousands of Haitians into exile. Students, intellectuals, young professionals, people in New York. There's a little Haiti in New York, I think, or is it in Miami. Anyway, people have lost family over there.

So from this community emerges the Jun Haiti, young Haiti. And it's a group of about 13 young men, mostly students, who are deeply influenced by recent history and Castro's guerrilla victory in Cuba. Yeah. So they then basically be like, right, if we go over there and light a spark, the rest of Hachie will rise up. They forget that it's basically a bin. Okay. And if you put a match in a bin, the bin's just going to be a big old stinky. Binfire.

The whole assassination of JFK hardens their resolve because Kennedy had been actually serious. Serious. Serious about trying to curb Duvalier, cutting aid and stuff. So in 1964, the 13 people. So they have, you know, bear in mind, the last episode we talked about a coup of bait people. Yeah, there's not a lot

of people who have a lot of get up and go. No. It's like I feel like it's going to take more than

sort of double figures to take over. You don't know. You don't even know how it feels like you could, you can just, if you walk in there,

if you manage to shoot in the head then you can become president immediately. Yeah, but we're still not like a, they're not even, they've not even

filled a megabus. So 30 people go to Haiti and they establish, or they try to establish establish a guerrilla presence in the mountains, but Haiti's mountains are not Cuba's. So Cuba's had like a lot of like jungle and cover and Haiti's mountains

are just kind of completely exposed. There's no cover. And peasants aren't going to help because they're terrified of the big bad juju man in the palace or whatever. So the rebels get discovered and get betrayed. Others are tracked by the Tunton boys. And they get killed, executed. And so, but Duvalier ensures that their deaths are displayed. And then, this is mad. The corpse of a captured June Haiti fighter is placed in an armchair outside the arrivals hall at Porto-Prince Airport so that tourists, when they land, they get their bags, and then they go out to get a cab and they see a fucking dead guy in an armchair. So I guess...

Vibe kill. The success of a lot of Caribbean nations to sort of stabilise has been tourism, right? Barbados, even just across the Dominican Republic, right? I feel that's one of the steps as to why Haiti hasn't taken off as a big tourist destination. It's a big blind spot of Papadocs, I think. It's just the optics.

Don't hang your political enemies else in the arrival. Doing departures. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So that you're leaving, you go, we had a lovely holiday. What's that?

That was weird. That's weird. Yeah, it sets you up for a bad. You know, the idea of welcome drinks. It's like the opposite of that. You know, when I went to Fiji, we got off the main, like, little ferry onto a little boat to go to our island.

They had Lelais on. There was a ukulele. They gave us like an alcoholic smoothie thing with an umbrella in it. I was like, this is fucking brilliant. It makes you feel welcome. It's a dead guy rotting in an armchair. You'd be like, I feel like I'm not welcome here. Maybe they'll do that to us, you know.

Well, I don't think we're going to Haiti. No, I mean, in this country, because we're ending up like Haiti. Oh, of course. And podcasters are the last front of free speech. What I mean, Haiti is an area of London. Yeah. Now, basically. We're the last truth tellers left.

Sadiq's Tunton McCut. We're probably going to get, I like the arrogance of people who think they're going to get killed by the government. It's like, no one cares what you have to say. No,

they're going to try and kill me. They won't. No. You're going to die of type 2 but diabetes, brother. Dapper laughs knows too much. He's going to get taken out by Sadek's London.

But it'd be great if we were putting the departures, arrivals, Heathrow, on this sofa. Just dead like that. With the mic, this is what happens to podcast.

Just so people know. When Andrew Shultz comes to London, he's like, fuck, I can't say anything now. Do you know the rapper Wyclef Jean? Yes. You do, you know him, right? Wyclef Jean.

You must know why Clef Jean. Yeah, that guy. No. You know this guy? What's his big tune? His uncle was the Haitian diplomat to the United States. Really? So he's an Epo rapper.

He's an Epper. He's a rapper rapper, yeah. But also a great... You're nearly called Haishi. All right. Haisho. Heishio called. Hayish.

Hachio gold. What was his big song? The final big song because he had one. Kid him to be soft in his? No, I swear there's something. Or maybe... The Fuji's, right?

A gentleman. Yeah. Or maybe a young thug had a song dedicated to White Clefshaw. Should we try and make a Haitian rap? No. Anyway, after the dead guy at the air,

a Rivals lounge, Duvalé orders the execution of the two remaining genre, Haiti and he turns into a national spectacle and declares like public holiday and so schools are instructed to bring the children to watch the execution. Well so is it bread and circuses sort of stuff? You know, Godfay and it's Gaddafi holding a getting all the toddlers to come and watch a public hanging in the school trip. It's that. It's it's the two men on the 12th of November 64. They're executed in public and they're filmed and broadcast repeatedly on state television for years.

whenever a fucking space in the schedule need a filling, they play a repeat of a public execution. Well, just because it's a bang-er. It's like repeats of... This one always kills. This is awesome. It's like repeats of Top Gear on Dave.

But it's a public execution of opposition members with an audience of school kids there. I guess I imagine the... There's not a lot of Haitian TV to go around. It's just absolutely gone.

He loves it. What's going to you? You love that. Firing squad. Christ. So it's not even a... I mean, how long must... Is it like their screensaver?

Or like when it's like the BBC, there's no signal. You know that... Oh, the laughing puppet. Yeah. Instead, it's just that they show. It's against a wall of the National Cemetery. They execute two people. Now, the Haitian divorce, which is a Steely dance song,

is about a woman seeking a quick divorce in Haiti where she has a brief affair, gets pregnant and returns home with a mixed-race baby, revealing her. Christ. Steely, you know, that Steely Dan songs are quite fruity. I mean, Hey 19 is one of the great

bittersweet songs about a Pida Fidia. You're not a Steely Dan fan? Not really, no. Oh man, love Steely Dan. Hey 19 is an amazing song. It's the birth of yacht rock, but it is about trying to woo a girl who's 19 and how bittersweet, tragic it is that she's too young.

Or that she'll grow old. She's not, though, 19. They're 19. But they're 40-odd. It's a bit much. It's a bit much. Did he do it? What?

Did he chag her in the song? I don't know. No, I don't think he, no. Doesn't get to that bit. But it's all about the kind of, it's more just the melancholy of lusting after a girl who, when you talk to her, you go, you don't even know who Rita Franklin is. And yet, I want to, I want to shoot ropes up you. That's what the song's about. But anyway.

It's more like Spider-Man climbing up the Empire State Building. I'm going to climb up you. Like a spider-man, yeah. Have you ever slept with anyone, have you ever slept with any, um, mum, uh, uh, I was going so, off a beach.

Are you ever slept with anyone who's a mum? Other than your wife. Right. Any mums? Um, have I ever slept with a mum? You slept with a mum? One mum. One mum. She was amazing.

And I felt like a man. I felt like a real man. Did you tell the kids off? No, I talked about her kids though. They were eight and five. She was out on them. Because if I slept with a mum, I'd then go and discipline the kids.

because it's like at least at least for like I think for like five or six hours after glow I'm daddy what you're post-coital you feel like daddy I'd go and belt one of kids because they need a man in the house

clearly so I'd have to just I'd have to make up for lost time Is the dad still around you're playing massive assumptions he's not going to be there when I'm shagging if he comes home

and you're not only just I'm not I'm not I'm not well where was he sorry mate I know you're

my wife and now you're hitting my kids you on here? I don't even hit my kids. I'll be like, look, now he can do a relay race. Here's the belt. See you later.

I actually would be pretty pissed off if he didn't thank me. Really? What's he doing? His wife's unshacked and his kids are unhit. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. I need a real man to clean up. I'd wear a white vest with bolognaise stains on it. Fuck, do they talk about Papa Doc in the song? In the Steeley-Dang song. The line Papa say refers to Papadoc who promotes divorce tourism. Oh, people seek countries where laws are perceived as

fairer to the financially weak or past. What is divorce tourism? Oh. So if you want to... To practice of traveling to another country to get divorced, taking advantage of favorable laws, faster processes or larger payouts. Faster processes. Using jurisdictions like London for better financial remedies after an overseas divorce. Oh, right. So people divorce tourists, tourists. Oh, so is that what you do in America? You go to Haiti to get divorced because they had a Special provision All right. Yeah, that's done.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Oh, interesting. Is it official in Haiti everywhere? Well, it must have been. If Steely Dan wrote a song about it. Yeah.

Fair enough. There you go. You don't need a residence requirement. You can still get a legally binding divorce. But you have to go to Haiti. Yeah, I guess so. To pass the fucking dead guy in the chair. Yeah.

It's an effort to boost tourism. But then if you're getting divorced, you don't mind. That's how they're boosting tourism. It's the opposite of a honeymoon, isn't it? You see a dead guy in an armchair. You go, well, fine. It's not most romantic kind of.

No, but it's the opposite of the romantic, isn't it? Visit Haiti. Like the ads there. Come get divorced. Darling. Divorce your wife. Hold my hand. Let go of my hand.

Yeah. It's true. It's jet to holiday stuff. So Devalier discovers that all the Jeune Haiti rebels come from the coastal town of Jeremy. It's a historic center of dissent and he unleashes collective punishment. Families are wiped out. Bodies mutilated, left unburied.

So basically by the end of 64 There is no viable Organised Opposition left He's killed everyone Everyone's dead Is unanimous? Yeah Yeah

The guy has clean sweep Well it's like people People can slag Off who's in power But who'd you rather instead There isn't anyone The great end The Papadoc story

Is the unique end almost Yeah in the unlike You know Nearly everyone else Yeah I suppose Mao kind of dies peacefully in his sleep but he does he dies and regrets. He's challenged and then he has a comeback.

It's true. Devalier never actually No. He like hits fifth gear and just keeps going. Yeah. He names his son, Jean-Claude or Baby Doc as his successor. Yeah. Can you get a photo of him up, Charlie?

Because there is a real Harvey Price energy to Baby Doc. Oh, what a day. Yeah, there's a bit of, there's a bit. What is his first speech on the balcony. Yeah. Hello, you cunt. Hello, you cunt.

Hello, your cunts. Hello, your cuss. Now, the constitution is changed so that an 18-year-old can be elected, and it's just another rig referendum.

And on 21st of April... Is he not one of the youngest... I think he's the youngest president ever, at age 19, youngest head of state in the world.

That's amazing. Baby Doc. Yeah. It's amazing. It's what an achievement. He gets proclaimed president for life at 19. On the 21st of

was 1971, Papadoc dies peacefully in his sleep. It's, you know, it's quite a rare. It's a rare, rare situation. Pol Pot died in his sleep, but he didn't... He got kicked out of power. Yeah, he just deposed. One of the scores in the doors,

he was a 64, he had killed between 30,000 to 60,000 Haitians during his time. How big's the country? Because, you know, we used to do expected kills, but... Yeah, what was the population of Hacy in 1960-od.

There was about 3.86 million in 1960, 4.45 million in 69. Population was increasing. So he's not, you know, his numbers are, you've got a more, does he pass the eye test? Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

But Zadan, goals and assists, actually not as much as you think. But you're not, that's not why you're watching it. You're watching a black magician. He's voodoo nonsense, Saddam. Watch the highlight reels. Yeah, exactly. The streets will never forget Papadoc,

all the stuff. Yeah. If you could have a voodoo doll that actually definitely worked of anyone There's better not be a stupid question Charlie It's not a super question Who would you pick and what would you do to it? I'd have news readers

and make them throw up When they're on camera It'd be pretty funny To be like announcing something serious And then Whoa Or what Can't do anything about it

Or you know that weatherman Thomas Sheffanacker Who did that He swore As the camera came on And he's like that I think that's a voodoo doll Right

It's pretty Because it's like Why have you done that? Who would you pick, Charlie? Didn't even think of it. I think I'd like do something to myself. I wonder if you could make it. It's not really a voodoo doll then, is it?

That's just you, I'm a masturbating. Free start, like freestyle, like freestyle, like freestyle, but you're, if you're wanking a doll off, you might as well wank yourself. I don't think that's a voodoo doll. It feels like someone you sit on your hand. Right, it's like sleeping beauty. Yeah, you don't, you can't,

you don't know who's doing it. But this is what my whole point, I was trying to say last episode. It's not molestation if, if there's a voodoo doll in the way. no but you're doing it to yourself but you're doing it to himself so you can't molest yourself really

if you're schizophrenic and you're masturbating but the other half you doesn't want it you are molesting yourself that's true oh my God stop what you're oh please which personality is this

is this the sort of prudish Victorian one oh my God what the bloody hell what are you doing what are you doing put get your hands on my penis What on earth?

Oh, Jesus Christ! Help! Someone called a police! I'm being molested! This is very embarrassing, but I'm being molested right now. I don't worry, that's just... He does that with your aches. No, it's just his kink. His kink is that...

Help! Someone's got a voodoo doll! Someone's controlling my hand. I don't want this. Help! So that's the... That's the papadip. dog's story. That's the story of Papadoc,

the Haitian dictator who would use Vooda dolls to wank himself off. He killed 60,000 people, he died peacefully in his sleep, and Duvalierism outlives Duvalier, in that his sung Baby Doc rules for another 14 years, I think, beyond that. Does he die peacefully as well?

No, he gets overthrown. Right, and then it's just a complete... But then it's just a churn. It goes back to churning, right? Yeah, and it still... Last year, there was like insane gang violence that there was no one in charge last year. The Tonton Maku, they're still around?

No, but what he, well, maybe, but what he does to them is he goes, you have all these guns and laws don't apply to you as long as you're loyal to me. So that lawlessness gets embedded in society. And they're only the worst people in the worst country in the world. And the army have no guns. So that state of affairs just kind of carries on.

Right. Until there's a massive earthquake a few years ago that was really bad. Yeah, so there must be some of the worst people on earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and even the massive, like, Colon-Lera palace that Duvalier ran, that got done in the earthquake, I think. Right. Oh, when was the Haiti? Okay.

We did this in geography. But it was fucking massive, right? Bad, bad, bad earthquake, yeah. Oh, fuck. $300,000 maybe. Yeah. Wow. So I guess Papadoc wasn't that bad.

No. Anyway, that's been the Papadoc story. On our Patreon bonus episode this week, we'll be carrying on the baby doc story. voodoo as well, if you'd like a bit more. Join the Tonton Makoot. Join the Tundon Makoot. Get your fedoras and shades on. And we shall see you next week.

Laws won't apply to you. Laws do not apply to you. The laws of hygiene, eye contact. So yeah, just basic social laws do not apply to you whatsoever. These are men who they masturbate against their will. Oh, for God's sake, it's happening again!

Oh, no. Oh, please. Will someone stop wanking me off? They molest themselves in public. But anyway, that episode is just for them. But if not, we'll see you next week for a brand new topic and more history. Goodbye.