Fin vs History - BI BAM BINNOBENT BOF BALL BARGES | Caligula (Part 2)

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

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Hello. And this is part two in our romp through the life of Caligula. The Chinese paedophile. The Chinese paedophile Roman Emperor. If this is the first episode you've ever listened to, pause. Go back to episode one. This one needs quite a lot of context. Caligula is a young man who has been emperor of Rome for 10 months where he had a stroke

and woke up with the Chinese accent and he was a paedophile. We think. We think. We don't know. We don't know. We made up. To be fair, we're adding about as much of this as Suetonius is. We're modern-day Suetonius.

We are, to be honest. We're Graham-Hangogging it. Exactly. Fuck it. I reckon in a Chinese voice. I mean, yeah, we cannot slag off Suetonius because he was just famous history for the Roman era. Exactly.

It's just salacious, unfounded bollocks. Yeah. We're having fun with it. He's having fun with it. It's history fan TV. It is. When was Suotonia? How long after Caligula's reign was Suetonius written?

28 years Oh yeah So Yeah, bollocks Who knows Yeah Who fucking knows Load of bollocks

So we left off In the last episode Colligula was on his deathbed Gravely ill Yeah And people thought He was gonna die Yeah

And he comes back Crazier than ever So they line up a successor Now I have to apologise And said that I may have jumped the gun On some of the narrative Right

I may have got something wrong here Impossible I don't believe it And no well Gamellus Who Tiberius had appointed joint successor with Calicula.

Calicula did not kill, it hasn't killed him yet. But you've already told people. Yeah, yeah, that he died earlier. But he hasn't. He hasn't. He's still alive. And so they line up Gamalus, his cousin.

His cousin? Has that ever happened on a history podcast? You know that in the first half of it? I said he wasn't dead. You know how I said he had a Chinese accent? I probably didn't. Caligula suddenly recovers. He makes a miraculous recovery.

Miracra. Accuracy, but maybe he sounds like that. We don't know. We can't know. We can't know. And he goes on a revenge spree. So he starts with Gamelis. Fair enough.

And he accuses Gamelis of taking preemptive medicine against a poison. Which is kind of amazing. Yeah. So Gamelas thinks that Caligula has poisoned him. And he's saying, I'm accusing you of thinking I'm trying to poison you and protecting yourself. Yeah. Therefore, I'm going to poison you. No, he then says, right, so you have to kill yourself.

So quite Japanese. It is very Japanese. Gamelis is so young that he doesn't know how to hold a sword or use it so soldiers have to help him kill himself. So it's like when you're teaching someone a golf swing, you get behind them, it's all in the hips. It's all in your hips.

And it's the stars. You know like a horny golf teacher? Like it's all in your hips, baby. He's just doing that. Have you got a fantasy of being if I'm going to fare with a golf teacher? No, I've got a fantasy of a big, strong Roman guard teach me how to kill myself.

Right, okay. Standing behind me going, it's all in the hip. But do they, how supuku-y is, they don't supuku themselves, do they? No, they, they, um, they emo it in the bath, right? They slit their wrists and they, and they, they are emerymering it in the bath. They slit the wrist and maybe they slit their throat. How, Nero does, Nero meets his end in similar way.

Yeah, and then they say, we, we forgive you, and he's like, well, I've done it now. I've done it now, I'm fucking dead. Bit late. Yeah. They go, they run a hot bath and then they let all the, the, the, they stick my chemical romance on. Yeah. they do welcome to the black parade and they just they bleed out

yeah they paint their nails and they do their eyes snakes on the wall you're all snakes but they go on TikTok live and say yeah

that's what Gamelis does so but there are there are all these stories of like the court of the emperor that basically they were trying to jockey for position while Klegel was on his deathbed so he's lying there

speaking of Chinese accent like like an Arsenal corner they're all sort of jockeying. Yeah, a jockeying position. The love train is working its way through. Haram McGuire's there. When do you need me?

Come on, slabhead. Right. So one of them says, because they're trying to show how devoted they are to the dying emperor because they think he's going to die so that then there's going to be a power player. He says, well, I will go and act,

if he lives, I'll go and get in the Coliseum and I'll be a gladiator. You always say shit. This guy can't fight for shit, right? Another one says that, oh, let me die so the emperor can live. Kligula wakes up and he goes, I heard that.

that let's do it right to be fair he does a lot of pretty non-cricot things yeah but that's kind of awesome though i don't people i'd really do back that go on then people throw that shit around but it's chicken isn't it obviously yeah if i wish it was me well maybe it is you go yourself do it oh oh fuck off no do it do it you said it so do it to be fair that that's good stuff yeah i like that well you know some of his other stuff i i think is a bit unfair it's pros and cons it's good and bad that is that's great that's absolutely great so what he does the guy who is uh He's a nobleman. He's maybe, is he an actor or something?

Yeah. Anyway, he gets into the Coliseum and he goes up against a trained, and within seconds, he's just fucking stabbed a shit. Yeah, it's a theatre actor versus a soldier, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

I'd love to see that. To be fair, I would love to see that. What, like a film, hard man who pretends to be a soldier against a real one. Ross Kemp against Ray Winston. Yeah. And Ross Kemp just fucks him up. Yeah, that'd be good.

I guess. Yeah. Is it the rumor The Ross Company? Are we allowed to say it? Probably not. Well, Ross,

if we can rhyme it we can boss Bemp and Lord and Bambsey Bum each other Beggilly. I don't know if rhyming is illegal Borg and Borme

and Bambi and Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bavitian by a Bledgutia Bledgently Bledgely. Bust Press I don't

This is belgidly It's not rhyming It's just saying B in the top. Bemp was bummed by Borden Banzi Why does it be because bummed is the worst bit

It would be Fennie on Would be any bun Bown Bid Bowe is I don't think Boss Ben Bum's Borden Bansy Can we just fast forward? Bavitiggini Can we just fast forward

To the libel trial Which I'm just like What do you think That just put in the letter B in front of everything Gives you a legal cop out Bob Pess Babona

Bavona Bavna Bavis Fubbibibibibum Bavibibibababababababab Bavis Bavis Bavis

Bavis Bavis Bajis Bajis Bajis Bip Bajit What's you say? How do you plead

Bop bilti Bipipit Bipit Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Bipat Bip Bip Bip Bambit Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip Bit I don't think legally that stands up

if you just put the letter B in front of everything Allegedly Well, we're not saying anyone's bame I've already said Bore beer baying beers Boss bent bums born and bamsie Or bobbubbabby bum bambi bum bobbin B bone B bone B bone

B bone right B bump This this stops now You know As someone who listens to this rather than watches it The last minute Will be it have been so painful anyway

Bori boss Ben Right Bory Borda Bamsie Right Where the fuck Where What are we talking about

Bhabibba We're not talking about No so Oh right So he recovers from his deathbed And then He adopts this explicit Rule by Fear

And this is famous quote This is colligula's famous quote So we've got from Corrigaro to Bopem Bopet, bum bambi, baby, bambi. Eventually. A lot of fucking access here.

What is that? That's an accent. Is that an accent? That's a speech pediment. You know, that's legalese, isn't it? Spy talk. Yeah. No, people train for years to get a law conversion course.

They just, that's what a big on a law conversion course. Turned out, if you put B in from everything, it's fair game. You can say anything. You can say absolutely anything. That's how our Capone got away with it was so long. Yeah. Buhbba-Bem. I just got me he said.

Very good. Yeah. What do you say? Bore-Bubbubbibbubbub. Bobbibbub. Bitbim, bim, bim, bim. Big Billbun? Big billion?

Big billion. A beg bambamabababababababower. Big billion? Buh. That's a big bumber. Bibing, Bipa Bipa Bipa Bauden. Anyway,

Gallicular adopts an explicit posture of rule by fear. He says this famous quote, maybe in his Chinese accent, read them hate me, shall run as they fear me. Christ, let them hate me so long as they fear me. Does he say this as he gets out of his deathbed?

Is it like a kind, that seems quite cinematic. Yeah. Well, he's a different guy now. He is. He pressed his evil buttons. Yeah. He's had this pedophon.

his accent buttons pressed and he's gone crazy so soon after this so bear in mind he's mad he's had his buttons pressed he's mental is that what he means by saying

don't push my buttons don't push my feet don't brain button don't fret again my fucking oh don't fret again my frontal cortex you're pushing my buttons

you're making me speaking you're making me speaking a way of why soon after he recovers his favourite sister who he's been knobbing for years yeah

Drusilla yeah dies age 21 you can't Sandus, he's upset about this. And he goes, you pushed his sister, this incest button now. Well, that was what you pushed.

His incest button was stuck down, like when he wanted to keep on the keyboard, stuck. His incest button was stuck. Yeah, perpetually. We both get their babe abysp. Caligula, Caligula,

he names his daughter after her. That's how much he loves her. Yeah. He makes her a god. So he deifies her under the name Diva Drusilla. Go, Diva. He's new money.

He's new money. It's new money. It's like calling your kid Deva. My sister is the biggest fucking Deva in the world. Deva Drusilla. I call your kid Mercedes. It's trash. Yeah.

This is a footballer's daughter's name. Deva Drusilla Banthia, Rooney. Deva Drosyllabathia. Yeah. Crazy. And so he then goes crazy and he imposes this period of mourning. Now, you think it was bad when the Queen died and the radio was unlistable. In this period, it becomes a capital crime to laugh.

he die. Yeah. Yeah. You put to death, then you just burps. Sorry. It's just so many things working against this as a podcast.

Disrespect. He was lounging about, the way you did it was just so. It wasn't like it came out. It was just like, you let it all hang out. I don't even know if that was in the mic. So for listeners,

they weren't. No, it was. It barely was. If you get a burp, you do it into the mic. Who else is saying that to their podcast producer? If you have to burp, you do it into the mic so at least the listeners know you burped.

Yeah, so we don't look mental. So we don't look mad. So in this period, his sister who's been railing for years dies. It becomes a capital crime. It's a laugh. You're put to death if you laugh. Yeah, but his sister dies. If you bathe, you wash.

What was he meant? He was backed into a corner. So everyone is miserable, stinky, and they're not allowed to dine with your own immediate family members because that rubs it in. Yeah, but Caligula, he was back to his corner.

He was. What else could he do? Yeah, there's Pido button pushed down. There's Chinese accent button. The sister he rails has died. Of course, no one should be allowed to dine with their immediate family or bathe. Yeah.

After Drusilla's husband, Lepidus becomes widowed, he becomes a lover to both her sisters. So, near, Sorry, Caligula has at least three sisters I think he's one of nine So Caligula discovers this He discovers that his brother-in-law

was railing his two other sisters And then he executes His brother-in-law and exiles his sisters You've got to have like a strong... You've got to have zero tolerance on that shit Only I can have sex with my sisters. Yeah, if anyone's fucking my sisters It's gonna be me.

His second wife, Livia Orestia. I'm putting a bit of Latin, stink on that name that's probably not ours. Stinky. Livia, yeah. During her wedding in 37, to a console named Pizzo.

It's weird just the years. This century's the weirdest for years. 37. When it's like five. Yeah, because it feels like you're abbreviating everything. Back in 37. Yeah, in the 30s.

We should place this, actually. So his reign is 37 to 41. Right. Do you want to place this one? Right. So this is after the invention of sandals before the invention of Ugs. There you go.

There you go. Lovely. Quick. Quick single. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. Sandals were the oldest known shoe, dating back to 11,000 years.

So big, big cushion. Big cushion now. And ugg boots. I used to try and place it, but now it's just... Ug, the brand is founded in 78. So,

1978. Not 78. Yeah. If they saw an ugg, it wouldn't blow their mind as much as other things. Yeah, because it's a very comfy shoe. But they'd be like,

that's a great idea putting sheep's wool in your shoe. It's not a million. It wouldn't melt the Roman citizen's brain sing a nug? No. It's not like a bit, it's not like, I don't know, like a Nike Air Macs. They saw a thigh-high boot, they'd be

like, what? Yeah, exactly. If they saw moon shoes. Or a Healy. If they saw a Healy, they'd be like, what the fucking is. You've got chariots on your feet? What is what's going on? Feet chariots. Feet chariots. Do you think, how much of an advantage with having Healy's be if you're a gladiator? If you're a kind of gladiator with Healy.

Well, I imagine, because of the surface, it's not great for Healy. Because Healy's are sort of built for shopping centres, not really for colosseum's. Yeah. You'd get a lot of grit and sand. But if the surface was all waxed, sort of, what's the floor in a shopping centre made on? Lino. Lino.

If it was Lino, then it'd be great, but that's not been invented either. Why did you just turn to me as if I just knew that? Because you know that shit. Boring, that shit. Boring pan, dad. It's probably liner. It's probably Lino. You always know that shit.

I've done a house renovation. Yeah. Yesterday, I, uh... You know which pan to use? Yesterday, my kids have been stuffing. toys down the plug hole in the bath. Not you've been for me

books off on my arse. Kids have been shoving toys down the plug hole again. I can't go into work because the kids have been stuffing stuff on the plug off you know what I mean. It's dropping kids off at the pool

is that it reverse. Dropping kids at the pool is shitting out your ass. Kids are stopping. Yeah, I'm about to pick the kids up from swimming. Yeah. Kids have been dropping me off at the pool.

Yeah, I've got to catch a bottle on my house. No, they've been shoving toys down the bath toys down the plug hole They managed to get the plug out You've got a stupid push plug I don't like it anyway I managed to I managed to the bath wasn't draining

And I did it with a fucking coat hanger And a plunger and unscrewing the pipes You gave it an abortion I gave it an abortion You gave the plumber backstreet abortion And but I didn't have to call a plumber And I saved herself a call out fee And I felt like a fucking

Is that that's that gets you fired out I feel it felt like a boomer dad Have you got any DIY? You don't really DIY skills I'm about the DIY, but I was like, I can fucking do this. I can imagine you're right. I can imagine you're right. I have a go and then I pay through the nose to someone to clean up my mess. Yeah, I'm terrible.

I want to do it. Clean me up, well yeah? I just got a tomato soup and I got, I get a tars rabbit to host me down. I was to plumber around. What do you mean? You just pour tomato soup over yourself. Just wipe me down. I'm a plumber. Please just wipe me. I was once doing, um, we had these LEDs in our bathroom.

You know, they're like sunk in any D's. And they're annoying because you can't, if the bulb goes, you have to, it's actually like got a whole battery pack like a thing. Right. Anyway, I got them out the ceiling. I've changed them.

And this is like with exposed wiring. I did one. I was like, I've done that myself. Took about an hour, but I did it. Second time I did it. It just nothing was working and I kept them to go

and turn the lights switch off. Anyway, I electrocuted myself and fell off a chair. And I was like, right, I'm never doing anything like that again. What's the point? Yeah. Yeah, I could have died.

It's all stupid. Yeah. So stupid. Anyway. Were you proving? Oh, it's like, right, okay. Your job is being racist on a podcast. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like asking him to be racist on a podcast. It's like, and my wife's like, oh, you should do more on the house. I'm like, fuck it, do you want me dead? Yeah. If I try and get in the back of a dishwasher, I will die. If I, if I clean off myself, I will die. If I'm watching up, I will die. Do you want me to fucking die?

What's that thing about weaponised incompetence? I'm like the logical employer that. Get someone round. can you if I wipe my ass I will die we need to toss rabbit

I like the idea of tariffitting every little thing right can you toss rabbit someone to tuck me to tuck me to bed at night

it's basically you're just outsourcing everything delivery but for ars wiping yeah great delivery driver just tucks you in

gives you a kiss in the forehead he's got toilet rolls in his back yeah Yeah, weaponising competence, for those you don't know, is when men supposedly go like, oh, how'd you do that again? Are these the right things?

So you're not actually dealing with the problem because you're making the woman actually talk you through it. So she actually has to engage with the problem. It's not my job to educate you. Exactly. Yeah. There's that sort of stuff. The logical end point of that is going,

if I wash up a plate, I'll die. You do it. Anyway, so he steals his second wife, basically. That's what I was getting to. Caligula steals someone's wife. From where? from, from, I think he does it at her wedding. So there's a wedding going on and he goes,

yoink, that's my wife now. And he forces him to another wedding. He forces her to another wedding that day and marries her. So it's like, you're in the church, right? And it's like, does anyone have any reason why this is not, should be like, yep, that's my wife now. Shotgun. And then just that's everyone has to be like, oh,

everyone basically just turns around and goes, all right, this is the wedding now, I guess, back of the church. Priest goes, one sec, let's go around. And there's just some cunt, some, the groom's just some cunt. Are you invited to this wedding? I guess not. Do you know the groom? Well, that's my ex-wife.

The next day, Kalligla divorces her. I mean, that's fucking hilarious. Marriage on the rocks. Nick someone at the ceremony. Marries her next day. Nah, fuck it. So he's sort of like a Kaufman, sort of, Andy Kaufman.

It's crazy. He's doing like a lot of comedic stunts that's satirizing ideas of, you know, what is... He has an insanely, I would say, sophisticated sense of humor. His sense of humor is crazy. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's also. So the next day, what time? He prohibits her from going back to the original husband that you nicked her from. Well, fair's fair. Yeah, come on. Come on. You shouldn't go back to your ex. So his third wife, Lollia, 38, this is the year after, was with her husband who was a console.

Right. And Kuligla, I should say, he has a big thing about, he had dinner parties with the sort of the consuls and the senates. And the console. I kind of rate this bit as well. This is great. Charlie, can you just Google what a. Roman consular is just to give it It's like a PlayStation. No, it's

It's like an MP or Lord or, you know, it's a Noble. It's the highest elected public official in the Republic. That's the Republic. We're in the Empire now so I guess it's similar. It'll be similar. Prime Minister. Anyway, whatever. So what he'd do, he's had the dinner

Oh, so no, it's right at the top. So it's one of two highest electives. Well, that's during the Republic though. We're now in the Empire, so I don't know. There won't be loads more though, well there. No, anyway, it's a high, it's a public official, whatever. He'd have these dinner parties and what he'd do is he'd just take someone's wife during the main

and he'd just go and railer next door. Her hair's all messed up. Yeah, come back and he'd mark her out of ten. Craig Revel Horwood. Yeah. Well, it's strictly come dancing.

And he then would come back to dinner and he'd be like, you know what? She's absolutely rubbish in the sack. I'm going to, you're divorced. You can do better than that. This is, yeah, this kind of sick to be fair this is crazy yeah

at dinner parties they're so formal and stuff I think the idea of just so stuffy just yeah you and me and then coming back

her hair's all ruffled rubbish and you're like you're like I'd finish myself off so his sex life is insane at this point right

obviously he's had Charlie Sheen sort of stuff yeah he's had his paedify button pushed his Chinese accent button pushed so rumours start to spiral

about drunken orgies little boys married women's virgins. He's obviously turned Buckingham Palace into a brothel. He made advances to nearly every married woman in Rome. I mean, fair play. Do you know what I mean? Fair play. Is he just going, is he doing door to door? You'd have to. Yeah. Every married woman in Rome. So he's like a male Bonnie Blue. In some ways. Yeah. One at a time. Now, the relations, obviously. So he's an absolute menace. I mean, he's just... He's a sex pest, to put it badly. To put it mildly. It's the fact

that he's just going from wedding to wedding and just... Knicking, right, I mean, it does make weddings more exciting. Is it a good jeopardy? Is he going to turn up? Is this going to be Caligula's wedding again? We don't know. Should I get a present for Caligula just in case it turns up? Should we include him on the seating plan?

He steals brides from their weddings, has sex with them, and then returns them, they carry on wedding. They carry on the marriage. It's crazy. That's fucking madness. Yeah. He's a silly goose. Yeah.

Yes, he's a silly goose. He's the original silly goose. So obviously, this relationship with the Senate. Is this going to be worth it? Probably not. Well, let's carry on then. His relationship with the Senate, right, he starts to,

because you are, I'm saying that because you are eating. You're eating and, you know. Panic chocolate. Yeah, you're eating a pan of chocolate. So maybe finish what's in your mouth, bear in mind this is a fucking podcast. Crazy.

So his relations. He eats like he's at the fucking Coliseum. I know. He's just sat there like he's enjoying it. He's like a punter. this plays a bit fucking shit so his relationship with the Senate and the Roman elite starts to crumble because he's

you know it's not it starts to crumble none of this is cricket yeah why is it's fucking all their wives and he's I mean yeah yeah yeah it's just there's a bit of tension between him and the nose because it's fucking all of their wives yeah he's an absolute menace she's not Ryan Giggs

yes you know in the dressing room he's just fucking trolley dashing so mid banquet he'd sort of laugh and say to the consoles. What do you think? I can have your throats cut with a single nod. You know, part of the comedian's role is you reveal the tensions that people don't want to talk about. You reveal the subtext. I'll go fuck your wife now. Is that part of our role? When I go to the comedy club, it doesn't feel like, right, you, outside. No, because you can't. We just got married. Woo! Him saying, technically, I could slit your throat. Yeah.

He's revealing the power dynamics that are at play. That is the role of the gesture. I guess because Let's, to get into this seriously, Augustus, Augustus is the first emperor. His relationship with the Senate and the infrastructure was to hide the fact that really it was a dictatorship. There was still this kind of surface level of democracy and Republic. And Tiberius, it kind of gets weathered and Caligula genuinely throws it wide open and displays the despot for what it is. Johnny Wilkinson's all of Augustus' work. Just through the last minute, drop kick, done. But do you find, so Augustus has known as like the, the most deaf political, like, uh...

Deft. He's the most deft. Yeah, you said, I heard deaf. I always didn't take him seriously because he was called Augustus, and I just think of Augustus glute. Do you know what I mean? It feels it undermines him a bit. Yeah.

Because he's such a titanic historic figure. Yeah. But Augustus glute, I just think he's a fat kid being stuck in a pipe after eating too much chocolate. Think of me age 10. Exactly. Yeah. It just sounds, Augustus doesn't sound like a great name.

No, but that's a gloop. Roll doll has, has ruined. He's ruined it. But that's the Augustus I know what I mean? It's not like, oh, damn, Augustus is here. It's like fucking... Little fat, little chubby boy. Apparently during banquets,

during banquets, Caligula would have sex with his wife. Well, a stop clock is right. Yeah. On top of... He's like, oh my God, this is my actual wife. What the fuck? Well, don't worry, because his sisters are basically, they're below him. How does that work?

So his wife's on top. Yeah. What do you mean they're below him? Is he lying on his sisters? Is this like, was this how they get the idea for... It's just how they get the idea for a little... I think it's a lasagna. I think it's a lasagna.

Is this where they invent lasagna? Is he the best amount of sauce? If we replace the emperor with some ragu and got some pasta sheets, I think that would be really tasty. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a chef is looking on.

Butty, he's a butty. He's a sort of incest buddy. Well, his wife's on top. Yeah. So it's only the bottom slice is incest. Yeah. So it's more like ham egg and chips. Bung.

Sounds like a joke went wrong. Boing. Boing. Oh, Christ. So, I mean, again,

this is very funny. What's Christ doing? Oh, he's dead. Sorry, Christ is four years, four years, dead. Four years dead.

Good riddance. Tonius claims, Caligula makes high-ranking officials run alongside him in his chariot in their togas. I mean, it's funny. It's funny. To get,

like, really respected people and humiliate them. It is funny. Imagine getting, like, the cabinet. Imagine getting Rachel Reeves and her high heels. to like run alongside

and Kirstama's just like in a car. No, do you know what it is? It's, you know that thing where you drive and you're picking someone up and the doors open and then you put an accelerator just as they're about to get in?

Is that? So these are some of the punishments that high-ranking officials so, you know, MPs essentially could get. You could be branded. You could be sent to the mines. You could be thrown to beasts. This is, he locked in cages.

He brings back sawing in two. But is this, he's a showman? It's not magician stuff, is it? I guess it's a show, but is it a trick if they're dead? Look at this. Yeah, you're right. Is it an amazing trick if it's like, ah, ah, fuck, fuck.

Yeah, I guess it's not, you know, you wouldn't do it for a book of kids party. Yeah, it's not really a magic, it's just. Sawing someone in two. But it's still a spectacle in some ways, isn't it? Because more like, how would you get a clean, a clean cut? Do you know what I mean? That's where the skill comes in, I imagine.

Sharp blade. Very sharp blade. Treesaw, I imagine. starts just throwing random people to wild animals to eat and I think it's this I think at one point he's riffing now he's really at one point he's like I'm going to throw anyone to the

lions who I don't like and there's a line up and he just picks everyone that's bald everyone that's bald right bald can't get in there I mean again it's like a sketch show it's like you know he keeps coming up with new premises you know how they say that it's only only like you shouldn't judge a celebrity for cheating on his wife because he has the opportunity to do

it and you as a normal person don't have the opportunity that Tiger Woods has. Right, right, right. Exactly. Everyone's judging Tiger Woods is like, well, yeah, but he's, he's like... If you had the opportunities, you'd be cheating on your life. Yeah, so you should be judged by the opportunity, whether you have the opportunity to do it or not. Are you saying, it's easy to judge Caligula, but you've never been in a position where you can kill every bald man you see.

There, but for the grace of God go I. That's what I'm saying is if I was Caligula, I may have just gone, I don't like ball. I wouldn't woken up going, I'd fucking ate bald people. Let's get rid. Yeah, just fleams their lines. See what happens. See what that looks like.

Yeah, it's how. it looking like to be honest yeah he once said of the roman people if only the roman people had a single neck i'd cut it through and he's quite nihilistic yeah well this is my point he's gone mad and again he's saying that in a chinese accent um he never kissed the neck of his wife or mistress without saying quote and this beautiful throat will be cut whenever i please it just i feel like being it's a bit creepy that i think being caligula's wife it's a bit creepy that's a that's a You wouldn't say that on a third day. No, I think being Klingler's wife

I feel constantly tense, wouldn't you? You'd be on edge. I'll be on edge, I'll be on edge. Is he the one who in Gladiated, Jacking, Wachian Phoenix is based on? Jacking. Jacklin Phoenix. You know, Charlie, we said that in the last episode.

How could you possibly know? Do you know what? At the end of this, maybe we'll see what you've learned. Yeah, let's start doing that. We should start doing that. I think it would... All right. Yeah.

I'm learning a lot. Yeah. So he even threatened to torture his wife to try and discover why she was so devoted to him. What? You got to find out. You got to find out. He was backed into a corner.

What are you meant to do? And he's obsessed with killing people slowly, a thousand cuts. He's obsessed with that. He wants to see the death occur. And we've got to bear in mind in the last episode, this is a guy who has a boy. He was Gunasaurus for the army. Yeah. He's in the trenches.

He was grown up. He was grown up. He was growing up. He was a traumatized boy. Yeah. Now it's all coming out of him. Right. So we get to

the most famous story about him which has kind of been DeMiff Like, I don't know Chinese whispered Yeah, Chinese accent whispers He has a horse Who he absolutely loves

And his horse called Incatatus Which translates as speedy Yeah Right And the horse gets Marble Staples Yeah Gets an ivory manger

Yeah Gets a mansion Gets like a budget Has slaves Imagine being a horse's slave. I don't think that'd be that bad. Yeah, because it's not the worst master,

isn't it? It's not going to be whipping you. No. It'd be not quite nice. It's been of doss, wouldn't it? The respect. Yeah. You're already a slave. You're on a date.

What'd you do? I'm a slave. Okay. A horse. Yeah, who'd I rather be? The slave of the horse or a Caligula slave? A horse.

Where he's just sloping your head off. Yeah, the horse would be fair. Yeah, but if Caligula thinks you're not doing a good enough job for the horse. Yeah. You're gone. You're gone. You're gone.

So basically, but this one is not that... People bring this up all the time. It's not the maddest things he does at all. This is just like... People who like love their dogs. No, it's not even that. It's him just, it's him having fun with the form.

Yeah. You guys think you're so, you're so powerful. So the big thing is that everyone says that he made his horse, he made his horse a console. But I think he did, but it was done as like a... It's just, it's not because he'd lost his mind. He said he could and he said he would. And it's like he was basically, it was satire.

Yeah, it was satire. This is how it is view. So let's talk about his military victories. Right. Because he does, again, he's... On the Rhine. On the Rhine, imagine. He goes to Germania at this point.

Of course, it's barbarian Germany. It's feral. It's pre-Nazi. It's not organized. Germania sounds like a sort of a weird theme park. So he stages a fake battle using his own German bodyguards as enemy troops. Right. He kind of dresses the Gauls as Germans, even though they're already subjects.

Yeah. He's sort of like... He sort of plays. playing battle, playing soldier. Also just these days to be exhausted because it's one man's will, it's no benefit to anyone else, and there's thousands of thousands of people having to do it.

Yeah. And it's pointless. Yeah. And it's not being filmed. Yeah. He also builds... So just imagine those days. You're waking up.

It's like a big organizational thing and everyone is pulling towards this project that doesn't mean anything. HS2. It's all like this. Yeah. He marches, he declares war on the sea. Yeah, well, it depends what the sea did to him.

Let's hear. Yeah, so he goes to the channel, the English channel, as if to prepare an invasion of Britain, and then he goes, actually, let's just fight the sea, and he orders it to be whipped. So people have to go and whip the sea. He's random. It is random.

He's not building. You're right, it is no fielding. You think he's going to do one thing, and then, whoa. By bird, bold, building, bum, bit of boys, but be, but be. Allegribee. He gets his soldiers to collect shells and seaweed. So it is very millennial, random girl. Yeah, it's very like, that.

I've got a conch in my... Yeah, it's like early Instagram with the filters on it. So when we... You know how you're not meant to? Apparently you're cursed if you get a conch from the sea and you take it away.

Go and do. When, hey, maybe it's just Fiji. So my wife and I were in Fiji is years ago. And I've been doing the New Zealand festival. She came out. We had a holiday in Fiji. Fiji's brilliant, right?

Because of the diet. Because of the breakfast where you eat ice cream and bread. Yeah, anyway. I wonder what you like to. We got a conch out of the beach. Got a conch out of the... She was like, oh, that's a nice shell.

Be romantic if you got it. And we just started seeing each other. Right. So I was like, yeah, I'll get that conch, right? And then we, so she's into shells, I guess. And so we got it back to the hotel. And you meant to dry it out because it's got a fucking mollusk in it. Dry it out, take it home.

That's the plan. Even though it's been told not to do that. You get cursed for seven years if you steal a conch. Anyway, the smell of this thing, right, as it dries out, because it's like a living thing in there. Right. Fucking, it's a hotel room starts to think. It's a sea pussy, right?

basically our hotel starts to stink of deep sea pussy right and then yeah a bussy a beach pussy and then on the last night of the holiday we basically both got food poisoning right and uh i'd left the conch in a bag with my um swimming trunks the swimming trunks smelled so bad that i basically threw the conch back into the sea had to leave my full swing trunks in the bin we then had to get a 28 hour flight home and my wife was um had severe food poisoning both ends the entire 20 hours really yeah

I recovered but I ate but I had double meals so it's happy ending happy ending yeah we watched Utopia and I had two dinners

but but the curse of the conch so you got the curse of the conch and then you threw it back into the sea and it balance was restored hopefully but who knows

maybe in the middle it's still seven years bad luck yeah but the curse of the conch how long ago was that well that was

that was 2018 so yeah you'd come to the end to the end of the seven years back but it's I can't, the smell of it was so bad. What does it smell like?

Yeah. You already in love? Yeah. Had you told her? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah. We'd known each other for years.

That's lovely. Yeah. That's lovely. Yeah, that's lovely. What does it, what do you smell of? Deep Sea Pussy. What is that, what is that? Just pussy with deep sea.

Waterpum, put that again. Waterpum. Yeah. Waterpum. No, it's like, you know, sushi paper, dried seaweed. Yeah. That, but worse. And with the kind of like...

Ancient mass. Toilet water. Fucking moaning. Toilet water. Toilet water sushi. It's melt of toilet water, rotten sushi. That's what it smelled like. It was really bad.

It was the worst thing I've ever smelled. Stop moaning. Anyway. Enough about the seapussy. You can't talk about seapum and expect me not to moan. Yes, I can. That's in your job description.

You can. You've got to the touch. chat yourself from the sexual jokes we make. I can't. I honestly can't. So the point is that even though the elites hate him, the military people hate him, because they hate

him, the military people are annoyed with him because he's whipping the sea, you know, he's wasting money. Are you saying it's like a mental health magazine cover? Doctors hate him. The consoles, hate him. He had at some point a prophecy that said

he would be killed by someone named Cassius. So he starts killing people called Cassius. So someone who called Cassius Longinus, who I guess must be a noble, but it turns out that in his Praetorian guard there's a guy called Cassius Chiria. Right. And he's the Praetorian guard,

like his bodyguard. They're the only ones to carry swords in Rome. For power, you've got to keep them on side, you've got to give them a lot of bonuses, you've got to keep them happy. Because that's where all the power in Rome, fundamentally any transition of power you need the Praetorian garden side

And Caligula had always be teasing Kyria as like effeminate And oh it's Cassius Chiria He'd be mocking his high-pitched voice Like, oh hello, oh Kyrie's here Pretorian friends Yeah exactly Oh bus wanker

Yeah it's that So And this is what I wanted to draw attention to I put a pin in the last episode If you remember when we're talking about Having a permanent boner Yeah Right let's just put a pin in that boner

And deflate it that he would so there'd be a yeah now that what's that cause? Priapism

yeah now he would give the Praetorian God every day a password which was the password for the day

it was like some kind of security thing right and he'd give him humiliating passwords like

priapus now what does that mean does that mean permanent boner in Latin no don't say yeah

look it up look it up you idiot no it does it does look it up you fuck it me right

the Greco Roman God of fertility gardens and male generative power what's male generative or was it to give birth to oh so the gone of erections so pre a priapism is a constant erection that's good to be called that god of bonus god of bonus the bono I'd love to be called the god of bone of bonus I'd love to be called the god of bone but wait the god of bone this is what's weird about roman gods though is that they always triple up or quadruple with other shit yeah it's never like one thing yeah so he's the god of bonus but he's also the god of gardening but do you know what I mean it's like

Alan Titchmarsh got a permanent log on well well Alan Titcher March is going to have to make a lot of um he's like no no it's because of the gardening stuff yeah yeah sure he's making all these offerings to the god of bonus no no no it's because i'm a gardener i want um i want my plants to grow i need to give offerings fucking you're digging a trench oh yes you're struggling no no my burners are fine you don't need a trow with that then do you that's so funny but like given the choice what would you all three if you were the god of three things what you're picking it'll be fucking it'd be mint pies no it wouldn't it would be um it'd be uh pub snacks.

Soharanuts. So there's a thing called Saharanuts which is actually it turns out it's local to Oxfordshire and Gloucestershire

based up the A40 It's one guy who bought these This is a very, very boring This is intensely boring Basically when I was a kid All our local pubs had these These things called Sahara Nuts

Google it up Google You know what Sahara Nutt is The big vending machine It's a big vending machine Yeah they're warm Warmed chili coated peanuts right yeah that that thing and it turns

out now I thought what's the motto sahara nuts they're nuts they are nuts they're nuts that's a great that's a great marketing slogan I thought every pub had them because that's why you started drinking in these local booze it turns out they're very specific to a stretch of the A40 where one bloke

invented them and then just sold them to pubs up and down that street so you only get them in the Oxfordshire and the Cotswolds no you get them in Sussex they're fucking amazing I've seen a couple of of dispensaries. I'd be the god of that. I love it. Sahara nuts.

They are amazing. Me and my sister. Who's the guy who invented? Who's the genius who worked that? John Zahara. They're fucking brilliant. And then I have like a little red light. It's like an incubator for nuts.

Anyway, I'll be the god of pub snacks. Pub snack tapas is probably one of my favorite. If I go on off menu, that's my starter. Pub snack tapas. So what? You're doing scampy fries? Scampy fries, pork scratching, Sahara nuts. There's sweet chili crackers.

With a pint of lager. Yeah. Or local ale. right yeah fucking love pub snacks yeah I'd be god of pub snacks so we're coming now to the

sorry what we're talking about we're talking oh yeah so anyway so he'd give his his bodyguard the password what's the password today boss permanent boner you're the bono god

and he'd be like oh god this is so fucking embarrassing this is humiliating I have to say the guy up to people and say the word bono god I'm the bono god maybe that's what we have to say is I'm the bono god

and clicker's there like Anyway, so this fuels Korea's bitterness And he starts an assassination plot And apparently there are multiple plots, multiple conspiracies And bear in mind, he's been emperor for less than four years Three years, ten months But he's done a lot of damage He's done a lot of damage

He's fucked every married woman in Rome It was his domestic policy Like is he doing other He builds aqueducts to be fair to the guy And I think some of them still stand today And he also, the Palatine Hill He makes that more palatial Right

Palatine That's where we get the way palatial from We don't have aqueducts anymore, right? So is it... There's a few in England. But is it just like, is it... We don't use them. Or Thames Water.

Is it what is? Do they... Do they do the same thing as like... Yeah, it's like Tyber Water, they who run the Aquedocs Nation Rome. You got to call up Tyber Water. My pipe's gone. No, but that's what it is, right? And they're speaking in that weird cockley Greek out.

I'm sorry, boss the water's gone eating. Sorry, mired to your... Sorry, mired your pipe's fucked. Oh, the bloody aqueducts are fucked. More like aquifact. he's not aquifact sorry mate it's aqua fuck today sorry water works iny ain'ty sorry sorry no no flashy toilet for three days yeah sorry about that no no no flushing toilet for three thousand years just just drink tatwall don't flash toilets

aquifact didn't it anyway um the aqueducts are used as they're like their thames water their temp's water the reason why rome could build bigger cities than they've ever seen before it's because of the aqueducts. It means they can basically get water into the centre of the... They also look amazing and there's some... Yeah, there's some in England.

The Ouse Valley Viaduct is a viaduct an aqueduct. No, it's a road because... Yeah, fair enough. Did you do Latin at school? Badly. Were you good at it? You do at A level?

I did it, I did early GCSE. He did it a year early. On the 24th of January, 41, Caligula attends a show as he's been doing. He's a showman and his shows are grim and it's bear baiting

and it's throwing balls. Queer baiting. It's queer baiting. It's killed Tony, basically. Do you know that's not what queer baiting is? What? It's not just saying slurs. Isn't it?

No, queer baiting is what Harry Stiles and Billy Elish was doing before she came out as gay. It's like appropriating it, isn't it? It's basically like straight guys painting their nails and wearing dresses. And just like riding on the fact that they're queer to get away with more problematic behavior. What you're baiting? You're riling up the gays. You're rattling the gays. cages.

But so they then think why you, are you gay? Yeah, yeah. You're kind of almost like cosplaying his gay even though you're straight in order to say and do certain things. Oh, to get more gay, just get more gay fans. Yeah. So if I start wearing eyeliner or like, if I started

paint, had pink. Yeah. So it's not what killed Tony are basically using shouting slurs in stadiums. That's not what queer baits is. Okay, I see. It's the opposite actually. They're getting less gay fans because they're just

shouting the F word at people. Right. But Harry Stiles is wearing women's clothing. Yeah. If I started throwing in, what do you think is the bare minimum queer baiting? Is that, is that queer baiting?

Get the, uh, yes. Yes, it's that, isn't it? If I just started doing that, if I started clicking, that would be queer baiting. That would be queer bait. We're trying to get it's fucking annoying. Yeah. I was in a show once where someone started, was doing that in the front row and the comic, brilliant comic,

Ad Evans, just when you just fucking clap like a normal fucking person. It was fucking brilliant. The wind went out of its sales. Because it's stupid. I mean, if you've got a room, if you've got a room where there's one toilet for everyone. Gosh, I thought. Just called one gay man the room of toilet.

There's one, and there's one toilet in there. Now, that's not queer baiting. Why is Sherlock Holmes queer baiting? The Carson crew of Sherlock have persisted denied the race between titular detectives to be seen as romantic. Critics have called the depiction

queer bait. Right, I don't understand that now. So is it, are they basically saying sorry? Fucking kiss then. So basically. I was in the audience and there was this toilet

in the front row we kept clicking his fingers. That's what I thought you said. Isn't that crazy? That's fucking crazy. Well, it's not, I didn't say it. I know, but I just,

but that is mad. You're actually that's a bit much. That's mental. For this pod. You're behind it. I don't think, that's crazy what you just said. I don't think I'm comfortable

with you calling all gay evil toilets. I think that's mad. That is mad. Yeah. So they're saying that Benedict coming about Sherlock is queer-based because of how

subtextually horny his relationship with Martin Freeman was in that show. And they're basically like, why are you going to fuck or not? Yeah. So it's like,

well, I'm turned on, kiss. Yeah. Fucking kiss. But that's like straight baiting, isn't it?

That's just me walking past the room and going, oh, stop it with them. You do? What do you want me to do with Chebs like that? That's like me

doing that, isn't it? It's just... It's not straight bait Yeah, it is. It's the same, isn't it? When does it stop? When does it stop? When's all this queer bathing stop?

Would you say that is there any accusation of you two? We're definitely, it's unbelievable queer baiting. This is queer baiting. Is it? No, there's that guy who keeps commenting who's saying, whenever my mum sees me watching this at the telly, he says, Who's that queer? Is that queer on the TV?

You're watching that queer on the TV again? I think wearing pink socks are like, Who's that bloody queer on the telly? It's kind of awesome, though. I do love those comments. It's just so funny just watch the podcast of the TV

and a mum coming in probably with a fag in her mouth saying who's that queer in the telly? Who's that internet queer on the telly? It'd be funny to put that on your next poster

queer on the telly. Who's that queer on the telly? Anyway, look, we're getting to the end. We've got to make this tense. We've got to... Build it up. We've got to...

If this was a noiser production there would be some sound effects. Charlie, can you give us some tense sound effects? Not hornet. Not horny. God. Charlie.

Charlie, do your job. Okay. Tense. Dada. Okay. Colligula is as a show. Dun, dun, dun,

done, come on. Come on. He's going to stop coming to it if you don't fucking make use for. You're actually funny. Colligula attends a show. He's amused himself

watching censor scramble for seats. he hadn't reserved any for them. He laughed when a priest's rogue was staying with Flamingo Bar during the Sauclos. After the performance, it's normal Caligula. He's making fun of the nobles.

He leaves by a corridor. A courtier lured Caligula aside to see some noble youths, some sweet noble youths, rehearsing a play in his honour. They set up this as a choke point. So they make this little play into a like a small corridor.

Cassius, Chayrilla. Chiaiaia. Chiaia. Cassius Paella. I mean, there's four vows in that word. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

We didn't even get to the tenth bit of the story, and Charlie's just come, and he's asking... Damn. Right, here we go. Caligula walks down an alleyway. He's been tricked by saying there's a play with some young youth in it. Yeah, so he's hung over, he walks down in alleyway, and he meets his Praetorian Guard,

and one of them asks for the password. Take on say I'm the bono god I'm the bone of god and then and then the first blow is struck down on Caligula's neck and it hits his shoulder and this is Cassius Caiera and then all the

pro the Praetorians they mob in and they start hacking it It's fucking whackamol, isn't it? It's whackamol in there and he gets What is the big moment? He's being hacked to death And this is what's playing. It's quite weak for a...

Can you play the music you think you're... What do you think you're doing? Do you think you're doing Beethoven's fifth? Is that what you think you're doing? Dunla-na-da-da-da. I'm going for this, yeah. Dan-da-na. Yeah, okay.

Oh, fucking, yeah. Beethoven's fifth chromosome, more like. Right. Caligula staggers, calling for help. Help. But senators pile in. Imperial freedmen. It's a piling.

It's a pylon. It's a bundle. They all pile in. It's a Twitter pylon. It's a bundle with swords. Yeah. And apparently he's, his head is split open, his throat is slit. They start stabbing his genitals.

He stabbed over 30 times. Right. Apparently, people, rumors, so clay, that people start eating him. Right. So they all just got mental. They go mental. They go, it's a frenzy. It's a feeding frenzy.

It must feel amazing. And in the chaos, some senators start to toy with the idea of restoring the Republic. But the Praetorian Guard, who need an emperor for their power. And this could be my favorite emperor. Yeah. Claudius. Because most these people are fucking... Now, Claudius is disabled.

Yeah. So most these people are... are mental kind of... Charles. Most of these people are mental sort of like archetypes of a despot. They make sense to the Roman emperor.

Claudius is a nerds with a lisp and a spitting problem. I've reached books. He sees like the most unlikely person to become emperts. They find him hiding behind a curtain. Oh, God. He's like a cartoon cuck. Yeah. And because basically he's the least offensive option

at the time, The Praetorian Guard, full of alphas, like, we need someone. They just say, well, you're your fucking emperor. They also kill Caligula's wife, and then they throw his infant daughter against the wall, which is quite grim. Yeah. Yeah, that's not cricket. Come on, play squash with this daughter, that's not nice. Got the squash goggles on.

Right. You know, anyway, so, Caligula is murdered at just 28 years old. God. Barely longer than... The 28 Club. The 28 Club. Jim Morrison, Winehouse, Hendricks.

Caligal's up there with him. Basically, from the minute he dies, the kind of spin starts about how bad he was. And so any unfinished public works, they write Nero's... They write Caligula's name off it, scratch it off and put Claudius. Yeah, we can't know how much is true.

I mean, I imagine he was pretty mental. I imagine there's still a lot of stuff. Some of the things are probably exaggerations, but I imagine it wasn't like, no, he was actually a really nice guy. It's mad to think that, like, what are people going to exaggerate? What's the tabloid exaggeration of Bonnie Blue?

Do you know what I mean? Right. Like, if you're actually insane. Yeah. And the tabloid's... 10,000, I guess. It's great. Yeah.

It's nuts. Most beautiful woman that's ever. Sorry, child. I think that's a bit. Yeah. Helen of Troy. Anyway, so he dies, having rained only three years, 10 months,

28. And yet, and he, Caligula, is the archetypal tyrant. Yes. um which is because he's there's a purity to caligula yeah he almost lacks depth because it's just pure mac that's why it's very very funny it's good stuff

yeah but it's not like the modern despots where there's kind of like it's it's he was there for four years yeah and it was just Chinese pido lasagna well that's what the episode's called yeah so actually was that your sum up Charlie what have you learned

um caligula was a Chinese pedophile um lasagna who was eaten yeah well I guess Yeah, yeah. We'll make checks out. I guess you're listening. Thanks for joining us on FitV versus History. That's been Caligula.

The Chinese Pido who invented lasagna. Tomorrow on the Patreon, we will be doing... We'll be doing some queer baiting. We will be doing some more queer baiting, where we'll be doing the Romulus and Remus, the foundation myth of the city of Rome. Old titty sucking. If you'd like bonus episodes,

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