Fin vs History - Bin Sniffers, Wicket Keepers, Lily Gilders & Chuff-Slingers: Winston Churchill | Post War British Prime Ministers, 1945-1979

Episode Date: September 8, 2025

It’s Winston’s difficult second album, how do you follow beating Hitler? You drink brandy for breakfast , cut off some Malaysian heads, and frame all homosexuals as spies, that’s how.  The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. It's part three of our epic romp through post-war British prime ministers. And we've arrived at Winston Churchill once again. Queen San, the first Jamaican Prime Minister of this country. Ragatonic wine before any cabinet meeting. So this isn't, obviously Churchill's one of the big historical figures, but this is just going to be a focused look on his less discussed second term in office.

The difficult second album. Yes, exactly. He's seen off Hitler and Mussolini in the first. He's drunker, he's tired, he's older, it's peacetime. He's so drunk. Yeah, this is really... People don't, when they think of Churchill, they don't realise that he has... has this four-year coda of nailing brandy.

Let's get Churchill's drinking diet up again. We want to see what we're working with. This is an important context for everything we're going to discuss. It is very important to outline... There's a drunk driver to the entirety of the British economy. He's also old enough that he shouldn't really be allowed to drive anyway. He's 77 when he comes into office. This is a string of prime ministers who become ill out of office.

The next three prime ministers all leave office. sick as a dog basically and come to office yeah so sick yeah yeah because it's the it's the war generation yeah limping i mean to be fair if you had been in charge of you know dunkirk yeah the blitz bumferk um d day yeah six years on from that you would just be starting every day with two glasses of brandy but he was doing that before that yes so so it's kind of like uh he's not dealing with any trauma so this is his drinking schedule right right uh first drink of the morning. What's your first drink in the morning? My first drink in the morning. Probably is water,

but maybe an orange juice. Coffee. Coffee is the most reliable one for sure. But you have water before you have coffee. Yeah, probably. He's trying to get the night away. Yeah. Yeah. His first drink in the morning is whiskey and soda. Right. But wake up, whiskey and soda. I don't think there's much soda in that.

No, it's whiskey. So is he getting out, he's out of bed with his whiskey? Probably got a whiskey and soda on the nightstand. Yeah. Wake up. Oh, and have pretty smoke as well. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Now he started this in the Boer War where the whiskey purifies the water At lunch he had a bottle of Paul Roger which is champagne Sometimes followed by a brandy And then whiskey with red wine In the afternoon And then another bottle of champagne at dinner

With a whiskey or another spirit Into the early hours So no beer No no no no no He's not allowed Yeah No He's not drinking on the job

No No no So it's all spirits and wine Yeah I mean The guy's breath Must have fucking stank Cigars as well Do you remember when you're

You know, you're on the whiskey. And the next morning, your wife's not touching you. She's like, does she smell? Yeah. That's, that's Churchill's. Every, but she must have got used to it. You must have, you need to acclimatize. I guess everyone stank at this point.

Everything stinks. Everything stinks. Do you like Cuban cigars, even though they're a communist? Probably not. Was it Churchill typically smoked between eight and ten cigars a day? While he enjoyed cigars, he often allowed them to burn out and then chewed on them, cause them become frayed. He would wrap a belly bando around the end of the cigar to keep them getting too moist.

Belly bando. Ten cigars a day. So he's doing it. at like six, even though they're fucking massive. He's 10 a day, but they're cigars. Churchill's favourite cigars. They are Cuban, yeah. But, yeah. Cuba's not communist at this point.

His cigar-smoken habit began during a visit to Cuba in 8095, and he developed a strong preference for Cuban cigars. Did they invent cigars? I guess so. I assume so, yeah. So, yeah, everything... He reportedly had between 3,000, 4,000 cigars stored at his country home. Well, of course, yeah.

What would be quite nice to have is, you know, in the way that we have Mark Wahlberg's daily routine. I guess the opposite of that is Winston-Chry. Churchill's daily routine. Well, he wakes up when Mark Warburg goes to bed. Yes. 4 p.m. And he goes to sleep when Mark Warburg wakes up.

Yeah. So he wakes up, has whiskey and soda. Mark Warburg at this point has already done about three workouts. Yeah. And had some athletic greens or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So Churchill is the polar opposite of today's, uh, hule powered. Yeah.

Gymnons. Yeah. So he's so productive while being drunk. It's quite extraordinary. Well, is he product. That, I mean, that's the key thing I think we're going to find out is that it might not be that productive. So he comes to power in 1951

and let's just as ever with this series let's make sure people get a grip on where we are the average house price £2,000 £2,000 £70,000 today So it's gone up It's gone up A pint of beer is £1.95 Can you imagine that?

In Sadeek's not even born at this point That's probably why Yeah, you'd probably be chopping your head off You'll have a pint of beer today Chop your hands off Chop your hands off Then you have to fucking identify your face Yeah, woman drinks beers, you get stoned

at a half-time a football match. They're importing coal, petrol, eggs and maize. And that's also what they're having for breakfast. That's how you make a birthday cake in 1951. Petroleum eggs and maize. Happy birthday, it's a petrol cake. And the Christmas number one in 1951 is Here in My Heart by Al Mati Martino. I don't know what that sounds like.

Charlie, can you play us a bit of that? Let's get a flavour of the age. Let's get a flavour of, this is 1952, I say. Here in my heart by Al Matino. yeah so yeah so this is a flavor this is not what 1952 sounds like

Churchill's back in office it's the 50s we're back baby it's the 50s the crazy man's back he does look a bit like crazy frog I mean he's drunk as well he's pissed

it's happy Christmas he's back on the wheel he doesn't give a fuck ding ding enough of that fucking austere socialist shit let's get back to this fat drunk man

Britain is back like we were saying on the last last episode is about my body I do and my worst look like the crazy frog

that's what you're trying to avoid trying to avoid looking like crazy fog frog with the thin wrists in the big belly so this is

this is number one in 1952 I mean people can sing back then none of this none of this fucking Sabrina carpenter woke nonsense

this is a blind boat who's got fucking pipes you know none of this Taylor Swift Jewelieper, get your tits out in front of the kids. I want a bloke with pipes.

I want a man and a seat with pipes. Not a woman with chibs. Put your chubs away and get your pipes out. I get a bloke with pipes out. Yeah. I want to go to a concert to listen to some man's singing. Yeah.

Not to be disgusted by some woman's disgusting chubs. Yeah. Singers we're talking about Churchill, I think he's very much a vibe of the pod. Go for the guy who got rid of all the racist cardboard signs by the Churchill statue. Do you remember this guy? Yeah.

Look at this. bloat this is the most like yeah right enough of that no get off yeah come on look at him i like that i got i like that guy that's and he just looked exactly how you imagine he's got he's got a fucking wax coat right enough of that no stop that um so that so food rationing is still in place but because the queen has coronated in 1953 we get in my opinion the high point of british food Coronation chicken Right I've just had

some for lunch How was it What's coronation chicken What is it A yogurty chicken It's a yogurty curry Spiced chicken We've left India

Yeah And our But our you know Our relationship is still strong We've just taken Rather than running India We've just put Indian spices With some mayonnaise

And some yogurt And some chicken And put it in a sandwich Right So we've separated India Fittest woman of the age Susie Parker Let's get a picture

Of Susie Parker What are we looking at? Let's have an oogle Let the dog see the rabbit it. Oh, gorgeous. They're getting fitter. They are getting fitter.

This is the long road to Thatcher. They're getting sultry. Sultry, yeah. Gosh, she's gorgeous. Go on images, Charlie. Come on. Let's see more. Let's see more.

Don't be fucking stingy as well. And she's, I mean, this is a very low cut for the 50s. Wow, Mamma Mia. And what Susie Parker doing? Don't care. I think, but this is the start of women posing like this, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Because that's how they, in the 40s, that would be godless and sinful. But now this is how they pose for their Tinder profile. They do this. Yeah. And they're always, you know, you have to take him from above. The long road to Bonnie Blue. It starts here. It starts here.

Susie Parker, the original book. Is she a movie star? She's a model slash actress. Right. And most importantly, the first James Bond book is written under Churchill's. James of the Giant Peach. It's not James and the Giant Peach. It's Casina Royale.

James and the Giant Biatch. Yeah. Yeah, that would not be a great Bond film, I don't think. James and the Giant Peach. James Bond film. Bond's got to destroy a giant peach. I think Casino Royale's my favorite Bond film. Yes, the later one.

I know it is. Right. I know it is, but it's not correct. Right. The best is licensed to kill. Is it? Dalton. Angry Dalton.

I love Angry Dalton. I've said before. But Dalton is not a fan favorite, is he? No, no, no. No. You like it just because of his treatment of women. It's part of why I like it. You're a massive Bond fan and it's just that.

Well, if you have you read any in the books. No. Because if you think the treatment of women in the film is bad, in the books, he is like not. locking them for six. Really? He's like slapping them about. Yeah, yeah.

And then obviously... It's T20. It's Bond T20. The Slogfest. But yeah, the films are sort of, they lessen his misogyny somehow. Yeah. Also pretty racist.

Really? There's a lot of N-bombs in the Bond books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is James dropping M-bombs? I think so. It's the 50s. Right. Let's get off the N-bomb and get on to...

The H-bomb? Let's get... Listen. So Churchill had been... been in opposition while we were talking about that. Yes, and church and opposition is kind of hilarious because he's not really around at all.

He was livid he didn't win. He's obviously a war hero. He's the most famous man in the country. You can sort of do what he wants. Yeah. He's probably more powerful than the king and many, like more respected. So he just kind of was like an Instagram travel baddie. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He was just

going from all the most expensive kind of cruises and hotels around the world and staying free. but just because he was there. And even what, so he loved Marrakech. And I went to Marrakesh quite recently and one of the hotels that you'd take. Pretty lady. Pretty lady. Yeah.

And, um. Just give you a flavor of what Marrakesh sounds like. Ugly man as well. Pretty lady. Ugly man. Ugly nunsman. Ugly nonce man. Please.

But they still talk about him there. They still have their silhouette everywhere. Really? So it's like a branded. He's a, he was such. He was a brand before brands, really. I guess he was. So what's the hotel and it's a, what's it called?

It's like this beautiful hotel that he loves. Where is it? La Mamamunia. Mamma, Mamma, man, manumia. It's like, and then they've got this, like, ancient coffee, well, this coffee house from the 40s and 50s, that because he wanted coffee when he was there, they started, and now it's like this, like this huge coffee house.

So Churchill introduces coffee to Marrakech? Wow, what a man. He was just literally going around, staying in places for free, slotting out on Instagram, getting his ass out. All he had to do was just two posts a day when he was in the hotel of him by the pool like this, with an hourglass figure. My daughter started doing this.

Really? Doing that pose. Starting young. She came out of a nursery one day, age four, don't like this. It's funny, isn't it? Yeah. Four-year-old do that.

Anyway, while he's in opposition and he's traveling, he builds a relationship with Harry Truman, who's the president of the US. And this is where he goes to, he's getting like a lot of public speaking appearance fees, as you say, Instagram stuff.

He's doing a player. Yeah. Because by the way, Atley made the least money out of office of any, Prime Minister of post-war. He made no money. Well, he's a boring cunt. He's no one to hear him speak about anything.

No. Yeah. I mean, he barely spoke during his fucking tenure. Yeah. He didn't have a brand, Atley. No. He didn't have a famous silhouette. Churchill turned down an eldom, earldom,

because it would go against the brand of Sir Winston Churchill. Because they're selling stuff. It's like Air Churchill's. So do you reckon... Like an Air Jordan, but instead you'd have his fat silhouette. So has he got merch? He's got merch, yeah. Christ.

Churchill merch. And he knew, if he became... like the fucking Merchel. Merchel. Wister Merchel. That's good.

If he became like the Duke of Gloucester who would undermine the fucking the air church was he's trying to sell. It's a bit like Prince Andrews no longer the judge of york.

It's just him Duncan is the silhouette of it. Yeah. On his air Churchill he's just like yeah. Brod! You know, through the hoop. So Churchill goes to the US

on his travels, delivers his famous iron curtain speech. Right. Which is where he says, can someone please, mine, my curtains. My wife's not responding. He fucking hates the Reds.

Can we check? I hear iron colon all the time. Can we find the contents to which? And I have caught and I've fallen over Europe. It's just that. It's just that. I think it's, I think it's, I think, actually, he coin it?

I actually, Gerbils coins it. So he's stolen a bit of Nazi valour there. One more pro in the Nazi column. Thank you. He doesn't look evil at all, Goebbels. That's why I like about Goebbels is he doesn't look at like he could possibly be.

Fucking out, the shape of his head as a phrenologist I'm thinking, what's going on in there? What is going on in there? You're telling me, this guy's evil?

No, I do think we are now worryingly popularised phrenology as I've been getting Instagram, people have been sending me stories of like phrenology busts

in pubs. I don't know what pubs. I think every pubs have a phrenology kit. I agree. I think get rid of the jukebox or get rid of the first aid kit and have an emergency

phrenology kit. Someone has a heart attack you can measure their skull. See if you bring them back to life? No, they're too stupid to be brought back to life, actually. I think it should be instead of ID,

they should have a phrenology. Right, right. So every bouncer's got calipers. All right, hang on, mate. Let me measure your head. Just a head in there, come on. Yeah, come on. No, you've got a child's mind.

Sorry. So Churchill, vehemently anti-communist. And in this time, you know, Tito's into Yugoslavia. Yeah. Poland and Hungary get enveloped by the USSR. And he's criticizing. Germany's splitting up. Germany's split the pumperman too.

Yeah. Big Batty is completely big batter, I don't know what I'm saying. Yeah, so M.D.R. has split Germany. The M.D. USSR has split Germany into. The M.D. USSR has split Germany into. And he's deeply critical of Labor's, labor's nationalization plans. Of course he is. Until he saw how really successful they were. And everyone loves it. And then he goes, right, well, I guess, I guess we'll just do that then. And he's against the independence of India. But as we said last time, you know, just stay within the lines. Yeah. That'll be fine. Wendy's most important deal of the day

has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra. Blah, blah, blah. 90-50 election.

Highest turnout since Universal Suffrage, 83%. What's the turnouts of the last election? Is it going down? Now it's like 70%. It's not even that. It's like less than 60 now. Nowadays everyone's too thick and election. Nowadays, everyone's too thick and fat to vote. 54.1. Yeah.

For the entire election? Yeah. Wow. Is that good? Bad. Just slightly more than half the country. Voted. What should it be? 100. Well, in Australia, it's illegal to not vote. Really? Yeah, it's mandated. But they've had six prime ministers in three years, so. Yeah, because it's a fucking party day. I love it. Get on the beers.

Yeah. The 51 election, here we go. The conservative manifesto. Britain, strong and free. stressed safeguarding, quote, our traditional way of life. They did not propose to dismantle the welfare state or the NHS, but it did promise to stop or further nationalism. And the Conservatives critique Labor for ending wartime rationing too slowly. They end up winning, despite the Labour getting more votes, but they win the first pass-the-post system.

Yeah. Basically, if you're listening from abroad, first-bast-the-post... We have a weird thing where you can get more votes but lose because the way the seats are done. Yeah. Some seats have more people in them. it makes sense if you don't think about it at all but he was also voted him because there was a feeling because of the Cold War there was a feeling that they wanted

a bit of more of a strong wartime leader. Dad-dada. They wanted daddy back because it felt like the threat from the USSR was on the rise. Daddy. He wanted to cuddle daddy. But Churchill's not really a daddy when he's 77. He's a fatty. He's a fatty. Fat daddy. He's a granddaddy. He's a

granddaddy's a Jill. Yeah. I know I once was in a hostel in Amsterdam and it just happened to be gay pride right sounds like incredibly it's like a gay panic story but Christ is that how old he is at 77 fucking hell he looks fucked

I was once in a hostel in Amsterdam my friend and I were backpacking battypacking around Europe and we were in a hostel and then we saw this probably a 70 year old gay man and he was bunking up with a I'd say 18 year old Filipino boy

what in the same room in a communal room like 12 dorms they're in one bed and we were like, okay, that's pretty brazen, isn't it? I mean, if you're doing that, do you not get your own room? And did you hear them shack?

No, no, I got, I know. Well, they're just like quietly spooting. Just quietly cuddling, I guess. I guess a little cuddle partner. Did you feel sympathy for the guy? I felt mainly uncomfortable. Yeah. Being in the same dorm.

Yeah. Get your own room. Get a room. I think that's a fair when you can tell a gay couple to get a room in that situation. Yeah, because it could have been any couple. Yeah.

But it just happened to be an old man and a young Filipino boy. Get a room. Now, Churchill doesn't really, when he gets into his office, he's 77, he's not a well man. Yeah. He doesn't really do any work. He mainly plays this game called Bazique, which is like an imperial card game. Yeah.

And as such. You do drink gin and tonics in India and play this game. Basically, yeah. And as such, he basically just sticks to everything at least done. He goes well, fuck it, yeah. That worked. I mean, everyone's happy. I'm going to have a drink.

And he only really focused on foreign policy. Yeah. Because that's the, I mean, if you're a leader, that's the fun shit, isn't it? Well, yeah. Playing the game of risk. You don't want to fucking talk about like new houses and stuff.

And also if you're Prime Minister, you're just off on the plane all the time. You're going around. You're having to look. Yeah. Having a peek. I mean, you leave it to fucking Angela Rainer's all the boring stuff.

So you had Butler and Eden were taking care of most of the domestic stuff and he was just, I mean, weirdly Churchill kind of functioned as a monarch in a way. Yeah. Because he sort of wasn't doing.

He's a figurehead. He's just a figure head. He's a silhouette. Yeah, but he's a pissed monarch. Which I would like, I would like the monarchy more if they had fun with the brand. Yeah. Like when Harry's dressing up as a Nazi, I'm like, that's fun.

Right. That's postmodern. It's ironic, maybe, I don't know. You want an ironic monarchy? Yeah. You want to, you want to smug ironic monarchy. I want to know, I'm kind of the king. I guess I'm the king.

I want the king to be playing with the form. I want a drag king. So like, the king stands with the queen. He's going, I'm with stupid t-shirt on. Yeah. The man the legend. Female Body Inspector. I want an in-cell king.

Wouldn't that be fun? Wouldn't that be fun if Charles and William died and then, is it George? Is he third in line? But if it died at just the wrong time where George was in a massive in-cell grunge teenage phase and we had an in-cell king.

Or we find out there's a kid who's actually the rightful monarch who didn't realize. So he's just been in a fucking basement. And he's one of our trucees. And like Atley, like sitting in pots down like how the fuck did I get here? He's one of our patrons.

Wouldn't that be incredible, narratively? One of our, like, the most smelly patron we have. You know, what's it Charles's company? The Duchy of... What's that company he does? The O.H.O.S.1. Well, then the King could produce...

Dutch of Cornwall. This could be like a royal... The first royal podcast. Yeah. It's like, you know, it's got the Charter. Can you fucking imagine? We have a charter from the King. And the King is a fat insult.

And it's like the World of Warcraft Charter. The Duchy of Warcraft. The Duchy of West Ross, whatever that fucking thing's called. God, that'd be fucking... I would love that so much. I would choose... A lot of... A Finn versus History King?

No, if it's a, yeah, if it's a Royal Variety show, but the King's just a fucking insult and he books all the acts he wants to see. Yeah. So he books like strippers. Strippers and like Larpers and a ping pong show.

Can you imagine Royal Variety show? Just fucking an Asian bird, just like this. And it's the same crowd in tuxes. Like, oh, my. Well, that's the, well, that's the 10 gun salute or whatever it is, was it? 10 cunt salute. Well, yeah.

It's 10 Thai women. Pim, pin. You'd change Remembrance Sunday, wouldn't it? Oh, I mean, I'd wear a poppy for that. Remember it's cunt Sunday. Ten cunt salute. Ten Thai women down in Whitehall firing ping-pongs at the Memorial.

That's what people died for. It's to see that. So anyway, his domestic policies built 300,000 new houses a year. He actually brought a lot of houses. But the person who's running the house is McMillan, who will come in later. So his first ministerial role is the house guy.

and he does a good job and he's getting rid of all the slums and the bombed out houses and I think maybe he's building actual houses rather than the labour

like pre-fab ones which lasts way too long yes we'll fix this you know yeah yeah we'll fix us later and then it's like that

for a decade more than that three it's crazy so he gets rid of all the austerity measures that Atley had put in rationing ends in 54

this is where like consumerism happens it's Black Friday TVs cars people are just punch fat women are punching each other in primark yeah this is where this starts get off by telly um but this makes the government very popular this is this is what we have become to be

but i remember this i think this started when i was at uni i remember the first one the first primark no the first black friday and there was a moral yeah this is yeah 11 years ago this is like there's like a moral panic around it because it's like this is this is i mean in some ways this is the end point of American consumerism coming to the UK well yeah this is people getting trampled people get trampled

it's like fucking Hillsborough for a TV madness I mean this is like when people go late stage capitalism this is shopping trolleys punching each other over like fucking yeah like an Xbox detergent it's great it's fucking great

and bear in mind they weren't doing this for for rationing rationing it was like orderly cues for bread orderly cues. The natural consensus. Yeah. Shopping isn't imbued with a story. No. There's no competition. Yeah. But this is Thatcher's. This is Thatcher's rationing. Yeah. It's people punching each other for tellies in Primark.

Yeah. And let the person with the hardest punch win. Yeah, exactly. But in Atley's Britain, in Churchill's Britain. You'd queue for your half a pound of fucking fat. You would queue for your tinned fish and you would be grateful. Yeah. Which is how I think our patrons should feel. Yes, you're getting. stinky fish, but you'll be grateful.

Take a ticket and you wait. You wait your turn, you form a cue for your portion of stinky fish. But the government's very popular with the people because nothing people want more is to punch other people for TVs. That's what British people will do on instinct. And it's the beginning of the boom's finally starting to hit us. The post-war boom

boom is just starting to kick in. Boom and bust. So, yeah, this is the start of the boom. Butler's the chancellor. He balances the budget, which means Butler balances the boom budget. Boom. Boom. Butler balances the budget. No more bust.

It's a boom. Butler badges the better. And the living in crew standards go up. So Churchill mainly focuses on foreign muck. On the half an hour he's working. He chooses to do it on foreign affairs. Because he likes traveling and he finds it exciting. To be fair, if you've like masterminded World War II,

what are you doing? Doing house reform. Fuck off. Yeah. Someone goes, oh, I want a, the NHS isn't working. Piss off. You would be like, fuck off. It's Farage ignoring his constituents in Clacton.

Yeah. I'm hanging out with Trump. Go fuck yourself. Well, who gives a fuck about potholes? Who aren't? Just a fucking worm from Essex. I'm going to go hang out with the Don. It's Bobby Sands, ignoring his constituents to shit on a wall.

Yeah, you're right. The worst MP has ever been. What an abuse of power that was. He's doing what? Sorry? I'm here at a constituency surgery waiting to task him about bin collection, and he's shitting on a wall in prison. with my money

my God can we recall an MP do we have that power um yeah no Churchill's not quite that bad but it's not far off I'm sure he's shitting his he shits himself

any times in Churchill's life has he shat himself oh I mean but this is the shitting yourself has he shot himself more than any prime minister in British history I think he didn't probably shits himself quite a lot

well because he the medical rules he's high as a kite yeah yeah maybe no I think Churchill's got it look at that face he shot himself He's got shattered pants in that photo right there.

But he also has a face of someone who doesn't know they shat themselves. Someone who doesn't care. He doesn't wipe his own ass. No. You know, because he grew up in a fucking... Blenning Palace. Blennaz.

He's had like silver spoon more than anyone. So he's never even wiped his own ass. He doesn't need to. No. So shitting yourself, it's like, it's literally Britain leaving India. Yes. It's not my problem. Well, that's why they left.

Yeah. In my... In my pants, it's, you know, sectarian violence between Hindus and Muslim but I don't have to deal with it because someone else's wife someone else cleaning up what a golden toilet was in Blenheim Palace I used to go to Blending Palace as a kid

it's near where I grew up well they're doing like they're doing like Wocom art in there where there's like anti-colonial stuff but one of the pieces was a gold toilet and yeah four people broke and stole it my mum gilded the gates of Blending Palace really? Yeah she's gilder

is she a full-time gilder she's a full-time gilder she does churches and eat sleep guild repeat yeah gilding as in gilding the lily is painting things with fine gold leaf but gilding the lily i imagine is like a sort of 1950s euphemism for a woman masturbating yeah she's a gilder she's a professional gilder she's on only fans you know women would go at home go home to gild the lily when their husbands caged home they'd have some figgy pudding this is how they spoke about sex in this era yeah you know if you were gay you were a bin sniffer or or you know you were keeping wicket i don't know i'm making all of these up

My point is, they all work. Any euphemism from the 50s can be literally anything. And I do long for this age back. I think it was incredibly fun time. Yeah. You know, in terms of language, it would a real test of verbal dexterity if, as you were talking about someone who was gay,

you realized that to call them gay would be to criminalize them. So you have to come up with a euphemism of like, oh yeah, the council only takes his bins on Thursdays. And someone would go, I know exactly what you mean. It's amazing. Yeah. Isn't it fun? Nowadays, it's also out in the open and garish.

He only stays in the jacuzzi. at a leisure centre. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't use toilet paper, he uses sand. I don't know. He sucks off bloke's regularly. He sucks off.

He fucks it up the ass. He loves it up the ass. You know what I mean? If you know what I mean. He's a chuff slinger, if you know what I mean. Let's get to the foreign affairs. So the big,

the big no-no. Is Mao-Mow. Mow-Mau. Mow-Mau. The no-no uprising. The no-no, brilliant. So this is in British, Kenya.

Keenia. Granddad still calls it Kenya. So does Mike Nan calls it Kenya. The last of Britain's

colonial assets to go are African, right? So it's like slowly every couple of years the African

colonies just It kind of goes from north to south. Yeah. Bit by bit. So the Mao for context,

this is... They're not as cute as they sound. No, Ma' Mao. It is probably the most cutesy savage witch

magic rebellion there is. The Mao is in British controlled Kenya. which I think we should still call it that. I think it's a much more satisfying way to say it. Now, what happens in Kenya is that the British have been in since I think the start of the 20th century and they are...

Is it a mandate or is it an actual colony? I'm not sure. It's a classic story. They're banned from their own land ownership. They're, you know, second-cloth citizens taxed, all that sort of stuff. So in 1949, the British colonial authorities who ruled Kenya are becoming fearful of a popular uprising and this sort of begins years-long waves of arrest. and in October 52, a European woman is stamped to death

and a senior chief Huo who is a British loyalist is assassinated. And Britain therefore declares a state of emergency and arrests thousands of Kikuyu. Now, the Kikuyu are like a tribe or a type of ethnic Kenyan. And this essentially kicks off the Mau Mau upbriising. And the Mao are, as you say, pretty, they're a pretty beheady, yes choppy they're choppy and uh because they're probably they don't really have much weapons technology to go with all they've got maybe is the occasional machete no but they also

they have a they have a gun so it's pretty brutal they have a terrifying kind of black magic element to voodoo they have a voodoo witch shit right i did this at uni they do they have all sorts of like mad uh ceremonies where it's called othing where they like cut a goat's head off and let it bleed on the earth and then they eat the earth and rub it on themselves and then they go and cut a kid's head off. It's not very stiff upper lip stuff. No, it's extreme. It's extremism.

So they cut like ears and noses off. Genital mutilation. There's a massacre in 53 called the Lari Massacre where 70 loyalist Kikuyu are hacked to death and burned. This is portrayed by the British as black magic. This is an excuse now for Brits to slap back hard. Yes. And to be fair to them, they really come out swinging. Yes.

This is real basball from the colonialists. they then did they then basically hold concentration camps I would call them the detention centres right of course you would they were in court

it was called re-villaging that's what the British called it over 150,000 Kenyans are then tortured by methods that include electric shocks to genitals

now nowadays that's you know that's fucking that's fucking Birkine that's Burkine for Charlie's doing that that's trying to do that he's got a t

beating with rhino whips this is all fucking Berkine stuff Overton window castration You know, that's just Basement of Burgheim. Saturday night, Berlin.

Cut it off, please. This is all. Forced sodom of glass, bottom, I mean, I'm a reading a menu from a Burghine basement. Starvation, psychological abuse, burned alive. Again, it's just Berlin.

One of the men that put into the camp is a 50-something cooked named Hussein on Yango Obama, Barack Obama's paternal grandfather. I feel like Hussein on Yango Obama is what Republicans call Obama anyway. I ain't voting for Hussein

Unyango Obama. Ogabuga-Bulga-Bama. Obama was actually very loyal to the Brits and had joined the King's African rifles, fought for the Empire in both world wars. Did he?

And then the Brits get him in a camp and just sort of taser his balls off because he was in the wrong place for the wrong time, I guess. Yeah, it was pretty poor form, to be fair, this one. Yeah, and this is supposedly why Barack Obama gets rid

of a Churchill statue. Which could have been Johnson propaganda, potentially. We don't know. Okay, fine. Because how I heard it, but our research has said otherwise, is that he got rid of the bus because of what Churchill did to his grandfather. That's what I heard, but is that just...

And then Trump brought it back in after he had a chat with Farage. But I think that might be just right-wing propaganda. Oh, did Johnson just write an article about it? Right. He had some copy to fill. Yes, of course. For a Sunday calling. Anyway, a thousand Kenyans are publicly hanged.

What is it? So what happened to Obama's grandpa? Was he killed? No, he said... He survived the camps, but his family has said he described a daily routine of horrifying and at times sexualized torture, including having his testicles squeezed by metal rods, and that he was never the same again. Yeah. Not ideal. Well, again, it's just, you know, it's just different, wrong place for long time.

Different strokes or different folks. Yeah. You know, people, people queue up all night for that. Between 12 and 20,000, maum, Mao are killed. Yeah. 95 British personnel killed. Shocking. This is absolutely shocking.

Appalling stuff. A minute of silence. Please. ultimately defeated by the British Fortiers in 56 but it does kind of start the acceleration towards Kenya becoming Kenya

in 1963 so a Churchill doesn't I suppose cover himself in glory but again he's covering himself in fucking whiskey at this point but yeah but also he's from a different he is the last true imperialist right Churchill he represents the end

he's like the end of the British Empire for me right he was like a proper British Empire guy and then he's was in power when it basically ended which is World War II and the kind of last real colonial hurrah was pretty World War yeah although he's also trying to

he's trying to end the Cold War at this point right as well he's trying to get summits with like the Soviets and the Americans together but he's still trying to hold on to as much of the empire as he can he's an empire but the whole point because he beats from a different time is my point

yeah but already I think there's beginnings of the start of like French and Germany and Holland making a union yeah and Churchill's like nah nah nah Commonwealth, America, San Africa, Australia, all this stuff. And so he thinks that it's like,

there's actually a whole, there's a whole strand of political thought that's like, we'll get out of India and we'll use Africa as our like, that's where all our resources are going to come from, all our rich is going to come from Africa, will be powered by Africa. And obviously that that begs of the fucks off

by the 50s. There's also some pretty spicy stuff in Malaysia. Which has never talked about. Because, actually, it's a huge thing. success story. Okay, go on. I mean, if you... Well, for the Malaysians are actually, it's the...

You know, Phil Wang is hard Malaysian. Him and his family fucking love the British Empire because of how it ends up. Right. Because it's probably the only, like, non-white colony that has, like, sort of unfiltered love for the British Empire. They fucking love it. Well, because they've been successful afterwards, and it's kind of gone well for them. So there's a big...

Because Singapore went very well, but we did abandon them and they had to sort of do it themselves. So in what's then called Malaya, and it's called the Malayan emergency, because they call it an emergency, because that means they can get insurance rather than a war. British military engaged in a systemic head-hunting programme of people suspect to be part of the communist Malayan National Liberation. And the headhunting, is that like when recruiters get, you know, a management consultant in? Well, it is and it isn't. There are also photos that hit the press of British soldiers posing with severed heads. Right. So it's kind of like taking the recruiting to its...

Logical end point. Is reading a recruiter's kind of job title too literally? And let's recruit your head from your neck. Yeah. And so the military denies the authenticity of the photos, then refuses to comment and then admitted that the photos were genuine. You're right. It's a classic backtrack.

No, no, definitely not. It's the Prince Andrew, which are only halfway through. You're lying, no comment. Yep, no, you got guilty. Yep, you got me. I lied. Do you like? Yes, I lied.

So Churchill then says that this is bad, but he technically all. orders the British military to stop, but in the British military's defense, so I read about their defense this morning in why they are cutting the heads off, it's because it's all very dense jungle fighting in Malaysia, and apparently it's very hard to identify a body of a communist because you have to like pull them through the undergrowth and it's like very humid and hot and the body's decaying, they're not wearing deodorant, it's very smelly. So the easiest solution is to cut their head off, take the head home and identify that and show it to their family and

like, is that your brother? They'd be like, yeah. be like, brilliant, communist com. Yeah, no, everyone's happy. Everyone's happy. And so, and so Churchill basically said, Bob's your uncle. Is this your brother? Bob's your uncle.

Is that your uncle? Yeah, that's Bob. So the government then refused to punish any soldiers involved, saying that the soldiers were never explicitly forbidden for mutilaking corpses. Right. Which is fascic. Like, did you write that rule down?

No, well, then, fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. But why was Malaysia's success today? Because the same bloke that does this, I think he's called Templar, or Temper, he goes on a campaign of saying we can't just kill the communists

we've got to win hearts and minds and so and our heads hearts and heads go and cut their hearts out cut their hearts and their heads off no but he builds like infrastructure hospitals schools he basically tries to show them

how good capitalism is to fight back against common rather than just killing rather than just like getting an authoritarian right winger in and just yes he's like why don't we just build give them loads of like free market competition all the benefits for free market state

and then we'll cut some heads off yeah I think people gave him a great head start if you like so it was just kind of so it was just very well run as far as the colonies go I think so it just happened to have I mean I know I know fucking nothing but I know Phil absolutely loves it yeah he loves the empire he wrote a whole book about how good the empire is yeah

and because he's not white everyone went oh alright brilliant brilliant that's great then must be good he's half white cheese Phil yeah yeah but I mean to racism to me he's not but to me he's a race traitor he's half white absolute race traitor

now something very funny that we need to get to is that during Churchill's government there was a so obviously homosexuality at this point is illegal and it would be

would be for another 15 years playing croquet on a Sunday again like I say all these euphemisms playing croaking on a Sunday you're banged up go on you know the

even the pronunciation homosexual it's like Kenya Inja well everyone speaks less posh But then I think it's like the more polite the language, it masks the more aggressive the policy. So like, that's a homosexual who we're going to chemically castrate and be in jail. That's a batty boy who I'm going to buy a white wine for.

You know, it's like, you know, we're nice to gay people now and which means we feel better about calling them big Willie Woofters. Whereas in the old days, you'd call them a gentleman's homosexual and then you put them in prison. I mean, that's the British Empire all over. they're doing war crimes. Yeah. I don't think it's a war crime to buy a batty boy, a white wine. The day it is, I'm leaving this island.

But there's a huge, but there comes a huge moral panic about how all gay people are spies. Yeah. Because they lead double lives. Because you had to if you were gay because it was illegal. Yeah.

And so they automatically say, it's not straight living a double life. It's quite gay. No, it's very gay. Yeah. Unless, of course, you're cheating in their wife. They're saying that being a spy, because it's an allegory,

agree for being gay. They're just reading it metaphorically. No, I don't think it's an allegory for being I think it's because... They're already doing it. They're already living, doing things in secret. So why wouldn't they have a little flutter? So why wouldn't they flutter with the Soviets? You heard about him? He's speaking to the Soviets. That becomes another one of these gay euphemisms. So there's a

whole panic. And this is also the... Is this when Kim Filby happens to the mid-early 50s? Yeah. Well, it's the Cambridge 5 which will do a series on which, because I absolutely love this story, but it's like basically five Cambridge educated communists who are turned at Cambridge University

turned soviet turned soviet and then they're because of it's basically represents the decaying kind of corruption of the British class system because they're all come from such good stock they're such kind of high class individuals

who have gone to the right school done all that no one ever believed that they'd be communists they all managed to infiltrate different parts of the British establishment so one becomes the art dealer for the queen one becomes a top MI6 officer Guy Burgess Kim Filby, I think Philby's MS6 as well, but they all become civil service.

But again, art dealer for the Queen sounds like another guy person. He deals art for the Queen, you know what I mean? And they all get found out at different points, but Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy is about based on trying to find them all. So Guy Burgess, as you mentioned, a diplomat, M.S.6 officer was a, quote, flamboyant gay, alcoholic and promiscuous man who had personal connections to high-ranking officials. He was famous for his drunken deductions of young men, despite being. obviously unstable, he was protected by the old boys

network, lovely irony there, old boys protecting him from young boys, especially fellow homosexual intelligence figures in 51 he defects to the Soviet Union exposing a huge security failure and the whole escapade captures the public imagination and there were many rumours about gay civil servants having affairs with each other

and security beaches caused by sexual blackmail and then Churchill's warned about this and he said as long as he's not giving away secrets let them bugger each other in peace. But he was given away secrets, Churchill. That's the problem. Yeah. So.

But you turned a blind eye and he was given away secrets. But then for all the talk of, you know, for all the sort of revisionism around Churchill, you know, I mean, that's quite a, that's quite a, that's quite a word thing to say. That's a kind of a posh way of doing it. As long as I don't know about it, you can bugger away. Bugger each other in peace. I think there's something more posh about being a secret homosexual, being a homophobic, a person in public and bugging an old school boy in private. Yeah, that's kind of high class. It's classy.

I think that's aspirational. To be so posh that you're outwardly homophobic whilst buggering pool boy. I mean, listen, how rich do you have to be to have a pool boy? Yeah. Which is like that's the... You're either a woman or a rich man.

Yeah. You have to have a pool. Yeah, it's aspirational. It is aspirational to be gay. Churchill received the Nobel Prize for literature in 1953 for his historical writers and speeches that he wrote when it was in opposition. You read any of his stuff or...

Not really. No. it feels like it be quite a biased look at World War II yes I feel like it got like a Nobel Prize but it's just like he's gonna be really you know judging up his yeah it's not it's not there's no Hitler speeches in there yeah Hitler never won a Nobel Prize so anyway listen Churchill is sort of drunk for his entire time

now he has a stroke in 53 and doesn't tell anyone he's noticeably to get for fatigued in cabinet meetings and the whole time he's been saying that Anthony Eden his deputy who's kind of like the lady in waiting this whole time Yeah, it's a bit of a Blair Brown thing going on Yeah, where he promised the thing And then he won't budge Yeah, yeah, Eden's the whole time is waiting room to retire

He doesn't, by 55 he's completely fucked And so he does step down in 55 And let's Eden in So if we're looking at the legacy Of his time in government Domestically he built some houses And then... It was fine, it was just well managed

But the kind of, because of the success of the Attlee government We'd kind of got out of most of the It was the post-war boom. So it was just about not fucking anything up more than anything. Yes. Nothing radical. But I guess if you're thinking about the post-war consensus,

like this was the chance for someone to actually challenge it. Right. Because what Atlee had done was kind of very outlandish. Yeah. If anyone was going to change that, it would be Churchill. Yeah. So I guess the fact that he carries it on means that everyone does. Yeah.

I guess he built. One of his pros probably is actually solidifying the consensus. In some ways. Yeah. But then ultimately the consensus. just kind of drags on for ages. But I guess that's not his fault. I guess the imperial stuff was

maybe a bit botched, like maybe in Iran and stuff like that. Oh yeah, he goes... I mean, Mozadec is all him and then it's understandable why you want a pro-British person in there, but I think the seeds of resentment sown in the Mosadec affair type thing. They still

haven't gotten over it. They're still fucking livid. Yeah, they're fucking livid about it. We're sorry. But again, it's the Americans are making us do this. So, I suppose, where does Churchill stand? As a peacetime, take away the war. Yeah. Because the wartime one, he has to go in top five, top three.

Yeah, I mean, his first term. But how can you compare wartime and peacetime prime ministers? Well, you can't really. You can't really. As a wartime need, he's got me up the top. Yeah. But as a peace time, it's a pretty mayor. But then most prime ministers have been pretty mayor at peace time.

Well, you can only deal. Like, he's better than Theresa May. Oh, yeah. He's better than fucking trust. He's better than Johnson. He's better than, do you know what I mean? It's better than Eden. It's a very low bar.

It's a fucking low bar. But then also as a prime minister, you come in with all these ideas and then you ultimately just have to cope with whatever hand you get dealt. And I guess domestically he didn't really have much of a bad hand. He had a pretty good hand.

I mean, the Maumau and the Malayah stuff I guess hasn't dated that well. But I mean, it's kind of like, it's like a tribute act to the actual Churchill, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's like an Elvis impersonator. Yeah. It's good to see him.

He's got a lot of star power. But the real guy died in the toilet ages ago. Do you know what I mean? No matter how good he is, you're like, the real one died in the toilet. You know, he ate a burger on fucking 77. He was dead. And in some ways, you're just actually sad.

You're sad watching an Elvis. Because you realize that this isn't Elvis. This is a comeback tour. Yeah, this is like, yeah. He probably should have left, you know. He kind of pointless him coming back. I'm amazed that he just went, became leader of the opposition for six years.

And he barely, he was on holiday. I know, but it's kind of crazy. Yeah. And then he dies in 1965 and at least one of the pallbearers, which is nice kind of, you know. Yeah. It's my dad's first memory of Churchill's funeral. That's amazing.

Yeah. He's born in 1959. What does he remember? He thought it was fucking hot. Really? His first wank, yeah. No. Yeah, because this was on, it's on the TV.

And then I think when the, when his body was being taken to its final resting places, along the train line, everyone was standing on top of their houses no matter all the farmers everyone they all fucking loved it yeah but that was all because that was all because of the first one yeah yeah yeah so it's a shitty sequel if it's a film yeah yeah it's the godfather part three really gladiator two yeah it's gladiator two yeah it's okay i'm not seeing gladiator too it's rubbish yeah a load of bollocks it's work nonsense like churchill's second term yeah church or second term

so that's where church that's church that's churchill second term we you know the the empire's decline is hastening along domestically things are starting to look up a bit next episode it's one of the low points it's a drugged up yeah fucking opioided to the nine's prime minister who is cucked on the world stage the biggest cucking the biggest cucking britain's ever had probably the biggest humiliation of this whole nationally yeah yeah it's It's as low as we get. It's as low as we get. Well, I'd argue that the 70s, but... But people don't know about the 70s.

They don't. It's not as international. This is a totemic failure on Britain's part. It's Suez. It's Anthony Eden. Bad episode's already on the Patreon, along with the first half of this entire series. For £3 a month,

you two can smell like tin fish. Join the Patreon to get early access to series and add free episodes. But either way, thank you for stopping by. We will see you next time for more of Britain's post- for humiliation.

Bye. Bye.