Fin vs History - Boss Baby’s Darkest Hour | Dunkirk Part 3: Cornered

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

The British Army is trapped in northern France by the Farty Techno Nazis, but how close did we come to surrender via a back channel with a big bowl of pasta? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor CHAPTERS: 00:00 Luxury Nazi Holiday 05:10 Boss Baby’s Darkest Hour 10:24 Hitler’s Halt Order 18:20 British National Day of Prayer 23:34 Halifax and the Big Bowl of Pasta 29:35 Monday of Colour 32:20 Operation Dynamo 38:29 Monty Makes His Name 43:37 Tennant and the Man Made Mole Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm here with the ratio Gould. This is part three on our Totemic series, definitive series, on Dunkirk. Comprehensive. The original Brexit.

This is Britain's defining moment. Well, this is what. Brexiteers think Brexit is, right? It's a very similar thing. And sort of everything they do is imagine they were one of the people who either helped the soldiers off the beaches of Dunkirk or were on the beach of the Dunkirk.

And that Angela Merkel is strafing us from on high the Stukka dive bomber. It's amazing the kind of the boomer generation, the kind of the luckiest generation of all time potentially who never even touched the war. No. Carry the attitude that they were there somehow. Yes.

With them. Yes. Like there's a real feeling from the kind of the luckiest generation all time that they the kids nowadays don't understand. Yeah, and it's like they have the entitlement of a war veteran without any of the fighting experience.

Yeah, and they should have the least entitlement because being Gen Zian millennial has been way harder than being a boomer. Totally. Growing up in the 50s, no better times to grow up. But then I have a, my soul is of a boomer who fought in the war.

Yeah. Yeah, off for the Germans. But you're a millennial. Yes. Which is mad to even say. I'm a millennial on the outside, on the inside, I'm the common dance of a Nazi Einstein's group

at least in front. I mean, it's a, terrifying mixture. Normally you get accused of being a Nazi. Normally it's not as easy. Sorry, Charlie's just got on a sort of semi-nude photo of Angela Merkel. What's going on there? What's going on there, Charlie?

Angela Merkel on holiday in Italy. Whereabouts in Italy? Because I've just been on holiday to Italy. She was on Iskia. I've been to Iskia. It's nice. Lovely, yeah. It's near Naples.

You can get a mopeds and sandwiches. No, thank you. No, thank you. Italy for me stops. Would you say South Italy should connect with North Africa? Yes. In the Antchis. Yes.

If we're Antchalus in countries. Obviously, Spain, Italy, Greece is Slippistan. We've discovered that. But I'd say the north of Bologna, Italy, that's more... Swiss. I'd want to make a new Pleasuredome country, a country that is essentially... Center parks. But for the childless and middle class.

Okay. And it's the lakes. It's Austria... Do you know what it is? So I've just been to Lake Garda, where I now realize that aspirationally what I want from life is to be Italian old money. yeah there's no better lifestyle than italian northern yes very different yeah uh northern italian old money the south is full of rats right in naples is a city infested with rats sewage yeah um north

just underneath the swiss austrian border there is no better lifestyle mid-century teak speedboats on a lake everyone everyone was german everyone was rich everyone was rich every it's where rich germans go on holiday yeah so i was there with my wife but really i was kind of cosplay as a sort of Nazi officer on leave. Did the Nazis spend a lot of time in Lake Como? What was Lake Homer during the war? Well, I was in Lake Garda, but... Around that.

What are the lakes doing in World War II? Charlie, can you get up... What I'd like you to do, Charlie, is to plan a sort of Nazi mini break. Yeah, what's the holiday? What holidays? What are the holidays? Are they on? He was the big holiday maker.

It was, who's the one who loved all... Who was the fat puff? Oh, Ernst Room? Yeah. The bathhouse guy. Yeah, I mean, that was... He died before the... No, yeah.

got he got taken out of the night of the long lives. Yeah. He loved her like always honest a bath house and getting bummed. Can you get a chat GPT up? You're a travel designer. Yeah. I want you to act as my high-end travel agent. I want you to act as my high-end travel agent.

I am a high-ranking Nazi. And I would like to go on a German, let's go on, I'd like to holiday. In Europe. In central Europe. Here we go. Holiday itinerary. A wealthy German, brackets, Nazis, vacations, vacation. in fascistously

summer 1940 That was the summer The summer It never ended This is Well this in my head is the Indian summer

that never ended Empire Elegance and Espresso Right I love about how Chat GPT will give you like you know

a shit two for one novel as a title Empire Elegance and espresso An Axis grantor Oh my God

Don't get me going on an Axis grand tour Florence Yep I want to lake Tuscan Chocolatiers Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep, Rome, power, pomp, and pasta. Keep going down. Go down. Amalfi Coast. I didn't think about going to the Malfi Coast. A Malfi Coast, Nazis on the Malfi Coast. Here we go. Aristocratic Calm.

Nice, yes. When Nazi style meets aristocratic calm, Lake Como, Lake Maggiore, you stay at Villadeste, you boat sketching the scenery, you read Nietzsche or Schopenhauer, I AMZi Ubermanche, I deserves this. Afternoon, chocolates, an espresso, and belagio. I mean, that's, yeah, that's basically the holiday I've just been on. Yeah, quiet luxury.

Yeah. Anyway, what are we talking about? What are we talking about? Oh, Dunkirk, that's right. Yeah. So, it's going, I'm sorry, I got very sidetracked because, as we've said before in this series, this is the great sliding doors moment of the Nazi regime. Yeah.

And I wanted, what I wanted to give the listeners and the viewers there is just a little window into what life could have been like for a certain type of ban. Is this the sliding door? as in if they won at Dunkirk? If the Germans obliterate the British, then they close off that front and the rest of the war is much less of an uphill struggle. But they wouldn't take Britain though.

No, they probably couldn't have taken Britain ever. Yeah, potentially it's less decisive as people make out. So, we left off the last episodes. Britain's in a bit of a rum situation. They've been pincer movement by these insane techno-farting Nazis to on meth amphetamins. The French are underneath a big big French stick,

drinking red wine. They're already surrendering, which is a defence mechanism. They're trying to get their armpits close to the Germans. Skunk. So, in Britain, Winston Churchill has a war cabinet. Neville Chamberlain, the old cuck. Yeah, who's very good to Churchill. And in the end, when he's not in charge,

he actually shows himself as a good politician. Yeah, he actually, people don't give him the credit that he deserves in some way. because although he cucked it totally at the 30-8, when he's the second in command, when he's the guy watching Churchill fuck-Hill. He's behind Churchill all the way. He's in the wardrobe loving it.

Yeah. Well, it's heard of the war cabinet. It's the wardrobe. It's the wardrobe. He's in the war cabinet, watching Churchill, fuck Hitler. The British War. The wardrobe.

And you can still go on a tour of the wardrobe rooms, can't you? Anyway, so Chamberlain's there. Halifax is there, and Halifax is the one that's still flying the flag for appeasement. Yeah. he's the big the big pussy he's the big juicy pussy

he's the fat pussy he's the fat pussy he needs to turn red and then you've got two labor you got two labor people who don't have much experience in there and are just kind of like happy to be there yeah because labor is quite a new party

this point isn't it yeah so they're just going wow number 10's amazing god the portrait is free could I eat this you're going to eat that yeah so they're not really adding much at Lee and but they did say decisively

they're only going to join the cabinet if Chamberlain sets down. Yes. So. But this is the war cabinet make up. And this is also part of the British myth of us all getting along, right? Yes. You know, Labour and Conservative, they put their differences aside for the national interest. This is build into the idea of broken Britain and, you know, the nostalgia for the 40s.

Well, they're all... Was it brilliant when we were rationing and potentially under threat from the Nazis? I see. They're all centrist. They're all hollow centrist in a war cabinet. Yeah. Where's the point of difference? Who am I to vote for if you were...

If you're all anti-Nazi. Exactly. Why is there not a pro-Nazi I can vote for? Where's the difference? What's on offer here? Anyway, sorry, there's no historical records indicating Winston Churchill shat himself in the literal sense. I bet he did.

He did experience episodes of incontinence due to a stroke. Now, that is later on in his life, I think, Charlie. Are we going to judge him for shitting himself in his, like, on his final couple of years? No, but this is where he dies in like 1960, doesn't he? Churchill. So this is, this is pre, this is church. Churchill is his kind of virile... Boss baby.

That's kind of what Churchill reminds me of. Boss baby. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Churchill is Britain's boss baby. You're right. The film Darkest Hour or Boss Baby, it goes by two different names. Yes, yeah. Boss Baby's darkest hour.

He is Boss Baby. He is Boss Baby. British Boss Baby. So to bear in mind, he's become prime minister on the 10th, which is the same day that the meth, the farting meth party departs through the pig forest into France

and so over the next 14 days it's just defeat after defeat after defeat Luxembourg, Belgium, Holland in the toilet they're already toilets

collapsed like a like a trifle they collapse like Jamlin's bottom bums are going out the window everywhere the job is too big for all these people

and at all points Churchill is we've got to stay in this we've got to back the French the French will fight back and then he goes to Paris and he goes guys can you put that fucking cheese down for one second

and there's a guy that's rimming and all what you know what's going on in France then so it's all France is it's just they can't decide on anything no this 80 year old men who are sort of having a long long long lunch yeah and there's no it's what happens when you don't have a decisive you can't really have a

you have to have a strong man in a wartime situation. You have to have someone in charge. And they've basically, they've gone to a care home and gone, who's the most virile man here? Oh, it's an 85 year old who's not yet. It's got dementia. Let's put him in charge.

And yeah, so they replaced, they have all these septuagenarians in charge. By the 24th of May, the British are completely surrounded around the port of Dunkirk. Right. And there's a narrow corridor. And this is the great what is.

because Hitler orders the Panzer divisions to stop. The Holt's order. The Holt order. This is arguably where he loses the war. Yeah, so I've always, obviously when you hear this story, you're like, just keep going. Yeah. But there are reasons why I didn't keep going. Well, there's lots of different theories as to why.

Yeah. Or rather there's many different factors. Firstly, it's that it's quite boggy around Dunkirk. It's not good for tanks. Yeah. Bit of a sticky wicket. Secondly, Guring is, wants the Luftwaffe to destroy. the BF and Gurings are

full Nazi and the army's like not as Nazi as the Air Force I think it goes in terms of how Nazi you are, Luffafar army Navy. Really? The Navy is the least Nazi element of the Sky Nazis are the... Sky Nazis Right, right, right. Right. See Nazis are not, you know.

Yeah, no. It's a bit fruity. It's too fruity. Yeah. Also... You don't want a soggy Nazi. Soggy Nazi. What's that soggy biscuit? Soggy Nazi. Soggy Nazi is what you want to play. You dress up a Nazi officer and those people come at you

what everyone comes on me as a Nazi and then I'll be the Nazi you come with me and how do you lose or win or do I win? I think you win because I'm in the right yeah because you're covered and come and dressed as an Nazi right okay so it's more of a Nazi Bukaki that I've so the other thing

to mention is that you know the panzers have been on the move for 14 days solid yeah they've not slept they've just been taking meth every day lights coming in through the curtains Yeah, I mean, they're like, can we guys just have a fucking break for one second? Yeah, has everything caught up? They need to refuel.

I think they have like... Well, most of them are on horseback. Yeah, exactly. I don't think they can wipe them out as easily as you'd think. They're also expecting a massive French attack. Yeah, which obviously is never going to come. Obviously, it's never coming. Also, listen to the podcast about it.

Though the Germans are far more dynamic and innovative than the British Army at this stage, which is quite slow and lumbering, it is quite a stable force because the not... the air, sea and army have good relationships and they all worked for a greater good. Well, at home. At home, just in its entirety, right? Whereas the Nazis is very competitive because it's all through Hitler.

Yes. So it's just the Luftwaffe, the soggy Nazis and the land Nazis, they're all just trying to get the go-ahead from Hitler. Soggy Nazis. But they are competitive with each other, so they're not actually helping each other. I see right.

the other one gets fucked what's the worst type of nazis it like a space nazi or a kind of space nazi is too powerful right we didn't we never we never got to see space nazis again if we if we sorry if fraud and slip there if they this is a history podcast hosted by nazi apologist that's that that's the niche well i don't yeah who is it which one of us you know um if if if if they if they if they if they if they have had decimated us. It feels unnatural, doesn't it? It really does. I'm really doing my best here.

I'm aware that I'm going to be tried by Sophie Hagan. I'm going to send you straight to the Soviet Hagan. I'm going to podcast courts. If they, if the Nazis, oh, I hate those guys. If they had wiped us out, then maybe... It's hard to work out. because they're so used to not having cameras on

and just speaking freely. I know. I've gone all coy. Then we might, they might have developed space Nazis that we would have gone, oh, horrible,

ugh, gross. I hate that. God, fascinating though. What would they look like? What, Swastika's on the moon?

The dark side of the moon. Turn around as a bass of Swastika. I hate that. Imagine the moon landing, but it's a swastika. Yeah, awful. That would be rubbish seeing stormtroopers

who actually look like stormtroopers. I mean, Darth Vader is kind of, You know, it's all the Nazi aesthetic, isn't it? Yeah, Star Wars. Yeah, I guess it is. That is literally space Nazis. So, yeah, we never got to see space Nazis.

I don't know if they would have been any worse. One of the great Wattiffs. One of the great Wattiffs. Underwater Nazis, aquan Nazis. The Sogian Nazis, which is surface water. Yeah, Aquanazis less powerful. Nazis don't, I don't think Nazis belong in the water, really. No, they're land animals.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so for whatever reason, I think it's also, well, this is quite funny. in 1945 when the game's up and Hitler says to like Churchill I don't know why you're trying to attack Germany and invade Germany when I didn't I was like gave you a sporting chance at Dunkirk

Oh really? He said that? He was like yeah I decided not to destroy you actually because I was like well it's not cricket is it? Do you think there's an element of that? No because the person who started that was Hitler in February 45 which is the most backed into a corner anyone's ever been Yeah but do you not think

So he did respect the British, and he didn't want to necessarily destroy the British. He wanted a sort of Saxon partnership. Well, that's a conspiracy theory that he saw racial parity between the two and wanted their empire. It's not even conspiracy. It is started by Hitler in February 45. So you have to take it with a pinch of salt. With a scoop of sourcrow. With a scoop of sourcrow.

He must take what Hitler says in February 45 with a scoop of sourcrow. What was there something else going on? Yes, he was quite busy at the time. time um quite stressed i'd say he had i'd say he had burnout yeah with nowadays psychologist would call it burnout come down february 45 yeah he's like i'm not enjoy you know i'm not enjoying my work as much as i was and i'm struggle sleeping he saw himself as a great historical figure napoleon Alexander the great right but what's interesting about him as a military leader is he was kind of terrible as a military leader he's guessing guessing and sometimes

he got right but the logic to his decisions is mad well if you think about it his great military success is the invasion of france which as we said last episode we could have done that because we just gone well there's a gap there let's go through there how we're going to do that meth go on perfect done it what a genius hello i'm elizabeth day the creator and host of how to fail it's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right and what if anything we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better each week my game Nests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures.

Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original podcast. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. And he had a great war machine set up, but because it was such a top-down political system, it meant that he was a control of so much. and all of his decisions were pretty terrible. Yeah, from that point onwards, yeah. Pretty awful.

Even from the Haltor order. Well, this is it. It's the beginning of his terrible decisions. In a way, yeah. It was the Hort order. But in some ways, he's doing it to reassert authority because there's been bickering generals who are... Yeah, because there's three different elements

of the Nazi military or hate... Well, there's that, but also there's some of them who are like... You know, because this type of warfare is very, very new. And they're like, I'm worried that the Panzer Spearheads is going to get overstretched, we're going to get isolated, they're going to be in so... called. Anyway, blah, blah, blah. For whatever reason, he stops the panzers and for three days. And this gives Britain ultimately the space. Sporting chance. A sporting chance.

Okay. Are you sure that there wasn't like an element of this is all gone too quick? The Brits, I saw this as a big clash. French, they're always going to, that was brilliant. I love that. But I don't want to roll over the British that easy or so it's no fun. You think he was trying to make it more fun or just more like sometimes when you see a cricket game well here is they're like completely collapse it's like well they just didn't turn up i'm starting a test cricket game and this is turned into a t20 exactly yeah right do you know what it doesn't feel oh this is just like a anomaly where you guys have played awfully and it won't be viewed as us thrashing you but his whole tactic is i'm going to play t20 in a test it is basball fine yeah blitzkrieg is the original basball

and you know what bas macullum has done with under ben stokes is take hitler's military tactic and put it through an English cricket prison. Anyway, sorry to the women listening. This isn't getting easier for you. Now, the 26th of May, 1940. Hit ball, that's what I call it. Hitler ball. The 26th of May, 1940, this is a bad day.

For who? For us, the British. For we British. For who hate the Nazis, this is a bad day. So Churchill's been Prime Minister for 16 days. King George the fifth he's a stammery cunt

He declares the day to be a national day of prayer But it takes him Four days to say that So he's missed it By the time he said it Fuck off George It's a vicar of dible

No no no no no No no no no no Parking in the upper field So This is the state of affairs When the War Cabinet convenes They're expecting Calais To fall imminently

But let's just say The National Day of Prayer That's how imagine that now nowadays it would be a national day of Islam prayer we all turn to Mecca and pray fire

fucking fucking Imam Sadiq the first declares a day of national mosque prayer Imam Starmes says right National Day of Prayer gets on awful where's Mecca

but everybody this is a crisis let's turn to face Mecca come on this is Britain in 2030 oh oh Hitler back is it

despite having the largest navy in the world, Britain is still outnumbered by German airpower. German air power is still pretty strong because a lot of our airplanes have just been sitting there ready to go at some point in Belgium and the Germans are just

straight for them and blow them up. So the Brits have lost a lot of aircraft in the German invasion. The French is being attacked by the Germans from the north and the east. And a lot of the reason why the Brits are less prepared, because it does seem like we're also very unprepared, was just because they expected the French to put up a bit

better fight and we're just helping out. Look, the great, you know, the overestimating the French, we're never going to make that mistake again. Like, it's clear now that, you know, oh, we're allied with the French, well, we may as well we may as well be allied with a fucking bin. I mean, it's not, it's not done us any good, does it? And you think Paris is a bin anyway. Paris is a toilet.

France has a bin. And don't get me wrong. There's a toilet and a skip. It's Paris France. Paris France toilet skip. And don't get me wrong, some of the edges of the bin are very nice, where you sit from and look out from the bin at lands and seas beyond the bin.

Beyond the bin. By Finn Taylor. Travel bird. Travel guide to France beyond the bin. Anyway, so the Germans are not going, they're not taking the toilet yet. They're still taking the bin lid. They've captured a lot of coastal...

It is looking for more toilets to find. He's conquering as many toilets as possible Yeah So they capture a lot of coastal cannon and gun And they're using these to bomb and shell The Allied ships that are in the channel Right Which would ultimately affect

The evacuation route that the Brits take Because they have to do a bit of a weird Like It's sort of a straight line from Dover sort of Dunkirk Yeah But they have to do like a big loop A big to get around

To get around sea mines to get around Yeah But also there's a whole operation called de grouse Is it de grousing Degrouting De-grouting, basically. They're groutting, yeah, groutes when you... I know what grouting is, but this is called de-grousing,

which is where they basically take all the sea mines out of action. What, is this is just out of the war? No, no, this is just before they launched the Dunkirk evacuation. Because the whole channel's mined. Yeah, I guess there's like, do you think there's even a slight overestimating the Nazis at times, like the fear factor of how quickly they've done all this? Yeah.

Because they don't have a Great Navy at this point at all either. They won't be able to cross the channel that well I guess it's just about getting the troops across But once you have Like even when the small boats Start the boats Start the boats Start the boats

Now stop the boats Stop the boats Stop the boat Stop the fucking No more boats Stop them Anyway This is the start of the darkest two days

In Britain's history Right Again from a certain perspective So what's the feeling Is it similar to like I don't know like a World Cup's heavy final On during it Like the streets.

What? I mean, people have got some Georgia's flags out. Well, people, yeah. And I was like, are they far right? There's like a quietness.

There's just football on. I don't know what's going on. You know that kind of quietness you have. Oh, the hush. The Lord's Hunt. Yeah. Yeah.

So we're losing a World Club semi final. And that's what the streets feel like. I mean, yeah, for Hitler and the Nazis, Dunkirk is like Southgate missing the penalty. Right, right, right. It's like, what if? Yeah.

So Germany is Southgate. Hitler's Southgate. They're going up as Dunkirk. And oh, they've missed it. they've let them go. The Reich has fallen. Oh, no. What could have been?

Everyone is thinking what could have been? Ferry Venables is thinking, fuck, we could have. And now all that has to happen is they have to open up a second front and the ally, the Americans join the war. Oh my God. No, they've done it. They've done it.

They've defeated Hitler. And look, there he is. Devastated. Gascoigne. Watch his ass. Job is too big for him. Bum's gone. Bum's gone.

Anyway, in the war cabinet, Halifax has. Halifax turned out to be an absolute fucking snake Halifax has been back channeling with the Italians for months with a guy called You back channeled with some Italians once I did, I've just been back channeling with Italians washing my bottom in the lake

Guido Bastiani His name's Guido Is he his name Grido? I think so I mean that's ridiculous Italian name Bastiani who's an Italian ambassador to London It is hard to take the Italian seriously When all their names sound like pastors

I feel they've undermined themselves Because even the French don't have that Where they don't not all their food Sounds like a Frenchman No Do you know what I mean But for some reason the Italians They've named all their food

Just they all sound like pastas Yeah You can't Oh Linguini's coming John Linguini Yeah But then also you wouldn't have like Riccossa stuffed Kevin

It does It only works in the Italian Yeah I think it undermines A little bit of kind of like seriousness So yeah so Halifax has been talking to a big bowl of pasta

about whether Mussolini would broke a peace talks. To Rigotone, fucking Georgio Rigotone. Georgia Rigotoni. This is the closest Britain ever comes to doing peace with Hitler. Yeah. Because the situation's perilous.

So what are you doing in this war cabinet? What are you doing in this war cabinet? I'm going, let's open up discussions. Let's get him in. Let's see what he has to say. He's a great public speaker. They look very stylish. I'd like to hear what he has to say.

Sorry, who are you? Yeah. What party are you here from? Don't mind me. I'm from the future. I'm from the Nazi party of Great Britain. I'm from... My name is Vidcrum Quisling.

No, so Halifax is like guys... You know, what you do is you're ready to take over when Hitler... Yeah, I'd be like... You're prepared to take over the Vichy government style. No, I'd stand up like when Churchill's like, we'll fight them on the beaches. I'll go, well, actually, no, we won't. And Hitler's appointed me as head of Great Britain. We'll make friends with them on the beaches.

We'll make friends with them on the beaches. make friends with them on the beaches. We'll kiss them on the beaches. Give them a hug. Shake their hands. Um, so, uh, Churchill and Halifax start butting heads because Halifax has got this. Churchill's got a massive head, though. Church has got a fucking massive head. So Halifax is out of it. He's gone. Um, low center of gravity. He's fucking boss baby. This is boss baby. This really starts to flex. This is when the Churchill myth starts to form. Yeah, Churchill's face up. I want to see that just what years of alcohol abuse does to you. What's hilarious about him here is probably about 45. Yeah.

And he looks about 17. I mean, Clarkson also, can we get Clarkson's face up? Clarkson now. What is interesting, because more and more, hair transplants, cosmetics, biohacking, these faces are going to disappear. Clarkson is never taking care of himself in any way at all. He's like, he's thinking he's in his late 50s. He's never done anything cosmetic.

No. And this is what happens. Yeah. Obviously people say Simon Cowell looks weird because he goes too far the other way, but this is what Simon Cow would look like if he didn't do anything of stuff. Is it better to look fucked or weird? It's true. You know, can we get Simon Cowell up?

I guess there's kind of like something to respect about Clarkson and just letting it all hang out That's what I'd do It's you're wearing baggy shorts on holiday And your testicles have fallen out Yeah You just deal with it

I'm on holiday Deal with it So I guess you I can either look like I don't know what looks What do you look better Charlie? I think I'd rather be Clarkson I'd rather be Clarkson yeah

Yeah Yeah Because he looked Simon Cowley's like a fucking alien Yeah Yeah that's weird man But yeah that's just That is like a fucking meatball

No but it's fine if he was 75, but I think he's 59. Yeah. And he looks like that. Yeah. Anyway, Churchill is probably in his 30s. And he looks like a toad. So Churchill and Halifax are buzzing heads. Halifax is like, I've got this big bowl of pastor that's ready to negotiate with us.

Halifax is like, let's see what Hitler's terms would be. And if they're bad, we'll refuse them. And Churchill's like, if you so much as say what you got for us, we're fucked. Don't talk to the Italian. I don't trust the eye ties as far as I throw them. That's what he says probably. Probably, yeah. I don't know. But there's a huge, there's a huge split

in the war cabinet over these days and Halifax is like really losing as rad. So these are conversations that are happening between 12 people, five people? Five blokes. Five blokes. And two of them are just there on a day out. The later ones are oh wow. And this is actually the most thrilling part of this whole story. In some ways, yeah, the political history is the

yeah, this is what darkest hour is about. Because there's also, there's Halifax and Churchill go off to the garden where party gate happened. Yes, the same garden. The Rose Garden number 10 Where Clegg and Cameron Had their walk of romance Oh you know

Doing their double act Yeah They have a conversation By the shrubs Yeah And we don't know what it was But when they came back Anything

Could be about anything Could be about literally anything Yeah could have been But when they come back Halifax has given up And he says all right We won't We won't pursue peace talks

To the Italians Oh fucking sock you in the I'm gonna fucking hit you If he sos All right All right Fair enough Yeah

Go on Do you think That Churchill and stuff knew about how insignificant this was. Do you think they knew the levels of like, historically? They did a national day of prayer. That's pretty fucking serious. Pray you're pretty fucked if you're getting everyone to say

pray we don't get fucked. Yeah. I mean, that's a hellmary if I've seen one. If the only hope you've got is praying, then you're fucked. You are fucked. Please, please, please, please, please. Please, please, please, please, please, please.

I promise I'll be good. I promise I'll be good. Yeah, you're completely fucked. Yeah. So at this point, On the Sunday, I don't think they've been to the Rose Garden yet. I think Halifax is still holding sway. The Churchill doesn't know what to do.

In terms of the military situation, over Dunkirk on the Sunday, the 26th of May, the Luftwaffe dropped 15,000 bombs, 30,000 incendiaries hitting port and the oil depots. The port is now unusable, but in a quirk of fate, the smoke of the oil refinery means that now the Luftwaffe can't really see where they're bombings. so 27th of May black Monday Monday of colour the love fathar

there's those great deals on at primark yes people are storming through the high street to get TVs TVs the luf faffer completely destroyed Dunkirk's harbour at this point it should be said that the corridor is narrowing and

there are some I believe it or not heroic French fightbacks right apparently I stopped listening to the I stopped to they threw stink bombs they farted into jars and threw the Germans

Halifax again brings up the possibility of peace talks with Hitler Churchill says no he says during the war cabinet if this long island story of ours is to end at last that it end only when each of us lies

choking in his own blood upon the ground so the troops have made it to Dunkirk the town the Germans drop thousands of leaflets from the air during the evacuation with a map of the German position surrounding the mall which is how the Nolan film opens

someone who's a leaflet and it says Camaraden put your own weapons just around it well they should have done it in English yeah because then the British love fucking French what was this is Charlie's or something and they all wipe their ass with it which is quite funny

thank you for the toilet paper I appreciate that well I guess they wanted to keep the sanitation level high so they dropped lots of toilet parish is over there you want to drop the toilet paper over there

the toilet's just down yeah you're a bit north this is a bin if you drop in bin back beyond the bin

so on the 27th of May the BF's fifth division lead a defensive attack counter attack

to north of the town of Dunkirk to try and hold the Germans off so now there's a bunch of like quite good

Rorks drift heroic yes of holding the Germans off. And they're given the orders of like fight to the death. And I think... Do they?

Yeah. Or do they get captured? No, I think this is where Al Murray's granddad dies. Really? I think they fight to the death so that the British forces can escape.

It's maybe like six or seven thousand British. Yeah, really, there's not... It feels there should be more about that. Well, that's because everyone... Everyone focuses on the massive cue on the beach. Yeah, that's what's weird. And that, to me, is not the cinematic. No, the cinematic is they're all in the beach

waiting, like autistic men waiting for the Bonnie Blue to someone. suck them off. And then it's, you pan, you turn around and the cameras, he's all these tiny boats and Jerusalem was playing. And then everyone's like, whoa. And Tom Hardy's flying over and everyone's cheering. But 7,000 people are dying. Yeah, there's just like two miles away. Yeah. So the British military back in London launch Operation Dynamo. Nice. Like the magician. The magician. He's going to go down there. My best friends, my granddad. He's going to go over there and blow the Nazis mind with some slight of hand. I found magic when I was getting

bullied at school. The only person who didn't bully me was my granddad. Anyway, the British operation, they send a magician to take a oh, what's that behind your ear? Oh, it's an egg and Hitler's like, bloop! And What was Hitler like?

Blot! Right, right. You know black people reacted to magic? Yeah. Imagine Hitler reacted to magic. Farty Hitler reacted to magic. magic. It was like, and then, oh, what's this?

Oh, no, bloomed to the bad. Yeah, I don't think he hit the light magic. No, he doesn't. Although he liked making people disappear. I'm going to make an entire race. Yeah. Anyway, we've talked for so much. And never has so many words been said about so little.

Right. So they launch Operation Dynamo. They get in the basement of Dover Castle. And they, which is pretty cool. in that they're in a medieval medieval keep and they're fucking running an operation for a minute and what they think they want

or what they're expecting is that they're going to get max 40,000 of the boys off the beach in 48 hours before it's all fucked we haven't placed any of this by the way ever oh fuck we haven't 1940

1940 to keep it Austrian yes this is 1940 this is after Freud I started thinking about shagging his mom. Mm-hmm. And it's before Fritzel has started shagging his daughter-wife. Yes.

Yes. Very well placed, actually. A lovely, a lovely midpoint. In any way, Fritzel is kind of like a banksiest satire of Freud. He's a post-modern Freud. Interpretation of Freud. He's running with people's expectations of what an Austrian should think. Shagmummy, no.

No, no, no. Shag down. Don't shag up the family tree. Fuck down. I'm going to fuck down the tree and in. my house. I'm going to build a fuck dungeon, keep it all in house, in many more ways than one.

In many ways, yeah, I suppose this is the kind of high point of Austrian. Yeah, Freud to Fritzel. It's in between Freud and Fritzel. From Freud to Fritzel via Ancelis and Schwarzenegger, the Austrian story. That's the follow-up to my Beyond the Bin series where I trek through Central Europe. Because you have a love of Germans, but the Austrians actually in

some ways. They discuss, they're even more intense Germans. They're even more German Germans. Yeah, they're more virulent strain of. I've just. German. It's the Austrian. It's a mutation. Yes, it is a mutation. It's a growth coming off Germany. Yeah, it is. It's why it should all be part of the same thing. Anyway, so they want to get 40,000 of our boys off the beaches in two days. They think that's

achievable before we're blitzed to shit by the... But this is, I sometimes feel like there's a lot of autistic British dads who, they are missing a war to do this sort of stuff. The amount of like, I don't know, people who go to mountain warehouse or like love camping or like have waterproof matches and stuff like that you know these kind of geezers british dads yeah the reason they're so obsessed with that is because this is what they've been built for and they have nowhere to express this organizing ferrying across you know the british soldiers the channel they're built for this yeah yeah and it doesn't have anywhere to go that's why they put lycra on and they go cycling i see because i mean yeah they're waiting to be

asked to do something like this they're great they're built for it they're waiting to stand on a beach yeah for someone to pick them up mommy uh so on the 27th black monday only seven two for one on on microwaves and you get an Xbox for under 100 pounds uh and if you're willing to tell all the all the soldiers are like we've got to get back we're missing we are missing out on some of the hottest deals this year if you're willing to pull a woman hair out and kick a child in the face you can get a blender for 50 quits there's the Battle of Leal

which I guess that's like a B-Day Right Instead of D-D-D? Yeah I call it B-Day But they're just washing their ass They're a little sink

Yeah yeah it's a bum sink for the French Leal Name me a French city there you go name me a French city name me a French city and I will name you a part of the bathroom did it

Leon yeah plug old okay matted with pubs right Marseille Marse is the toilet Marse is the toilet

Marse is the toilet brush Marseille has got Paris's shit flex on it and it's grateful for it well Marseille's the toilet the toilet the toilet It's the bin of the bin

It is the bottom of the bin It's the bottom of the bin Neese Neese Nece Um what nasty niece is

the little so what you keep your toilet brush in that's nice when that gets that water with that little bit the little bit of water

in there if you go swimming in Nice you're just drinking that what about Santetian don't even get me started on San Tettian

that that's if you lift up the if you lift up the toilet yeah the lid the lid of the cistern. Yeah.

That's in there. You drink that water. That's in Etienne. Right. Anyway, so the Germans have laid siege to this big B day just north of the toilet. 40,000 French troops, 50 tanks are encircled by four German infantry divisions, three panzer, blah, blah, blah, military history. Not going to get bogged down in it.

But the French are planned multiple routes for a breakout, but they'd already been surrounded by that time. And on the 31st of May, Leal surrenders and the 35,000 are taken. Surprise. surprise they surrender and anyway 28th of may now this is where churchill puts his foot down and says halifax big stomp room shakes get that pastor out your fucking mouth we're not i'm boss baby do what i say put the italians to bed um the belgian surrender surprise surprise which means there's this big hole in the defense in the north and the bf are now even more exposed from the north yeah so our good friend the autistic general birded montgomery

leads a The autist's artist. The autist's autist leads an incredible counter attack where he basically does something crazy and fills the gap like travels really quickly to fill this gap

that the Belgians Okay And this is what leads him to This is what kind of makes his name Before Because he becomes the big guy He's the big guy But was he the big guy from the start

I think he was quite high up Or did he earn his stripes? He was quite high up But I think the legend is sort of made in this first movements So the Luffafra dropping the leaflets when they should have been dropping bombs really that's their first mistake is that

leaflets don't do the same level of damage that bombs do the pen is mightier than the sword yeah it's not so bear in mind they're trying to get 40,000 out in two days and the first day they get 7,000 out and then Tennant who's this Navy guy he what is it? It was brilliant Doctor Who

as well it's not David Tennant Charlie I saw him in Hamlet and someone farted in the crowd do you know when you're watching a play no I don't you go to a play and you're like, all right, there's the excitement of people talking and there's that quiet and then you realize, oh my fucking God, I'm in the play. I can't watch a play.

How have I managed to find myself in this situation? And you're like, oh, just look at my phone. You go, I can't look at my phone. I'm not allowed to look at my phone. Why am I here? What have I done? I should have known better. You're always angry at yourself.

So angry. Every time. Maybe this play will be different. No, it won't. It's a play. You're thinking of films. You're looking of porn. You're like,

You're thinking of porn. I should have watched porn. Oh no, I love plays. Yeah, I love porn. That was what it was. Oh, you're going to see, I'd love to come to your play. Yeah, definitely. Right, you sit down, take your trousers off.

What are you doing? What do you mean? Oh, fuck. I meant Paul. I thought they said, Paul. Oh, fuck, sorry. I might just go and watch some Paul in the toilet. I won't for this to blow over.

Right. This podcast has the series has been backed into a corner by the Blitz Creek and we need to get out of it. Yeah. By a farty meth addles. Stop farting, Charlie. Yeah, you're being cornered by your uncle on Christmas Day. Imagine having a farty Uncle Hiller. So doing that comedy stuff.

Have you seen that, you know, have you seen that thing where apparently you can, you can see how sweet a watermelon is by how tight his bumhole. Okay. I saw a reel where a guy was like, the tight of the bumhole, the sweet of the fruit. And I was like, I'm listening. You got my attention. And he's a melon farmer. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't sign him off. And you can, apparently, you look at the, like, little nut, and the tighter it is, it means the longer it's had on the vine. Right. And so the sweeter it is. You reckon that with an arsehole? No, no, no, I'm not extrapolating at all. Okay.

It's purely melons, I'm talking about. Right. You're not saying that when you have a gay guy, the tighter the hole, the sweet of the fruit. Well, that's a coincidence as well. Well, that the fruit is sweet. The young boys are sweeter. Yeah. If they've got a tighter hole.

Anyway, we need to... We're all stuck on the beach of Dunkirk, and we've been talking... so long about David Tennant In many ways In many ways You know What were they talking about

On the beach Be honest I think we're painting a picture What it was like It was like five days On the beach Five are just standing about Yeah

And then you know You've got The Luffra Trying to bomb you It makes it feel like You're there It does think It's like what your

On a beach I heard that if you look At watermelon You look at see how It's tight Like a little boy What else are you What else are you

Are they just sleeping On the beach Are they just like What are they doing Probably Yeah Just pooing, is there a bit of a beach that's for pooing? I think you poo in the sea.

It's war time. I don't think it's, yeah, I don't think any sort of like... You're not pooing on the beach. You have to poo on the beach. No, we're all on there. You got poo in the sea. That's crazy. Why not?

Why? Could it just wash up again? I put in the sea and my friend didn't get in because he was worried he's going to get a pink eye. Well, yeah. Well, could you swim out a bit? No, because the tide is so shallow. So this is, this is, I'm trying to get to the fucking finale. No, you do, sorry, you do, you shit like a dog.

You shit on the sand What, staring at you at all times No, it's weird isn't how they look You in the eye But they're a bit embarrassed No, they want you to protect them Because they're too focused on shitting So they're looking at you if you're like

Don't let me down here I've always got your back And now you've got mine while I poo That's what they're doing They always look over their shoulder So coy Yeah Like a French girl

Pooh would be like one of your French girls You shit on the beach And then like a dog You know when the dogs Yeah, yeah. You bury it. Yeah. You bury it.

Trench latrines. There you go. People went to the toilet. They dug pits. Right. Glastonbury on sea. Yeah. Dig a massive pit.

All shit in it. Cover it up. Yeah. Easy. Bob's your uncle. Bob's your father of your uncle. Brits a broad package holiday, isn't it? Right.

So they need to get the boys off. They've launched Operation Dynamo. Yep. But the problem is is that the beach is too shallow. The destroyers, they can't come all the way to the beach, the beach ships. So what 10s. So what Tenant finds is he finds this big thing called a mole, which is a breakwater.

It's not a pier. It's just like a big, big seawall that goes for like a couple of miles out. A man-made? Yeah. And he goes, it's not a pier though. It's not to be stood on. It's just to like keep a harbour still water. But he goes, do you know what?

I reckon we could use that. Everyone lined up on that. And then we could use it as a pier to get the ships, so the big ships could come close. Is that a genius idea or I've thought of that? Well, again, you've got the benefit of hindsight. Hey, that massive wall,

why don't we just all go there? I mean, yeah, none of this is actually that. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. I can't work out what is genius and what's like, well,

yeah, where else are you going to do it? Yeah, exactly. What, the big thing that's almost like a pier? Yeah, yeah.

Do not I mean? It's not. No, because it's meant for people to stand there. Well, we're about to fucking die. No, no,

we can't, because that's where that's pedestrianized. You can't stand on the breakwater. That's not, that's, yeah. you can't stand on it it won't hold

but I don't know what I'm talking about with this sort of stuff but to me I'm like yeah but this is the 40s isn't it it's like

it's so obvious to all of us now anyway he orders the Queen of the Channel to dock 904 men are put on board

however that's a ferry the Queen of Channel yeah it's a ferry but then it gets some bombed by the Lefafa

it sinks but everyone survives so it's fine so it's fine but that's like the first kind of the glimmer the glimmer of hope

yeah and on that day the 20 17,800 men are evacuated. Because they now realise they can do that. They realise that

they can do that but it's still precarious. The Germans, the panzers, you know, the whole order has been rescinded. They're coming back. Women and children first though,

right? No, women and children are in the countryside in Britain. Yeah. But I'm just on the beach. It's always women and children first. There's just no women or children.

So it's, what is it? Fat guys next? I mean, who's next? I know it's walking wounded, isn't it? Because this is basically Titanic with those only blokes

on the ship, right? Yes. It's a sinking thing we're just only... It's gay Titanic. Yeah. So at the end of the 28th of May, Churchill addresses the House of Commons and says... Hello.

Hello. Hi, everyone. Settle down. Winston here. I'm Winston. There's no more peace talks with Italy. Halifax's nonce. Yeah.

We're going for Hitler. Fuck Hitler. And they fucking love it. And they love it. And everyone's like... Because one of the big successes of Dunkirk more than anything is it solidifies Churchill as big dog. Yes. Boss.

as boss baby the big problem with France and the UK up until this point has been unstable leadership a lot of indecision a lot of Jackie Weaver's counselling

and this is kind of the beginning of like right he's in charge whatever he says goes so in total in 28th of May about 25,000 men

have been evacuated but there are still over 300,000 beautiful British boys shitting on a beach we're going to call in Lily Phillips as well now Lily Phillips

Bonnie, you've done your work here, but Lily, we're now pressing the nuclear button and getting Lily Phillips involved. What will happen next? In our final episode in this series, we will complete the evacuation of Dunkirk and see if... Will they make it?

Who knows? There's only one way to find out, and that's to join our Patreon where, for three pounds a month, you get full access to series. Poutrian. It's a Poutrian. It's a Poutrean.

It's a Poutrean. It's a Poutrine. But if you struggle to go to the toilet and you struggle with chewing solids, then this patron's made for you. You'll find like-minded people who have nothing going on in their lives and don't like hot drinks. So they have £3 a month spare. Anyway, join the patrons, if you'd like, go the access to the final part of our series. We're also going to get bonus episodes this week.

Yeah, Border episodes. Operation Sea Lion, which was the German plan to invade the UK. uh had they um been able to oh so we could do some more um what ifs some lovely what that's why it's called a boner episode because that's what you're going to get we can enjoy the the counterfactual thought of the indian summer of the thousand year rife while fully erect or fully erect that's my business it's quite funny discussing the counterfactual if the nuts do it's got a huge the whole time right yeah we get an expert one and he's just explaining it yeah and so what tell me what and so when would he have

where would he have landed on the East Coast would he have got as far as Scotland as well wow I tried to think what would have happened anyway for more for more nonsense sign the patron but if not we will see you on Thursday for the concluding episode

in our Dunkirk series thank you and good night good night Thank you.