Fin vs History - Britain's Shiny New Pacific Toilet | Captain Cook & The First Fleet (Part 2)

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

As the American War of Independence kicks off, Britain needs to find a new sewer - and in Hawaii, Captain Cook finally gets Cooked.   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Oh, fuck. Part two of Captain Cook and the First Fleet. Yes. The birth of white Australia. Yes, birth of a nation. Nauty Australia.

Aw. Don't say that. Fuck. Oh, I actually bid one once. He was all right. We're talking about Captain Cook, who has been tarnished in recent years as being the sort of bogey man.

Reddy said he don't cook. Don't cook. But, yeah, really, he's just a guy who fucking loves maps. Yeah, I think it's time where you re-evaluated Cook's legacy. Yes. He's a good, yeah, he should be tarnished for being a dweeb and a nerd, but not an Alpha Chad Colonialist. He should be wedgied, not top.

But he is a mapmaker, he's an explorer. He plants a flag on Australia, New Holland as it's known then. And then he fucks off and never goes back. Yeah. So he was just an accident, right? Yeah. He's not even a passion project. He basically is like Bagsy, right, bye, and then he fucks off.

New Zealand, probably he has more claim to, than Australia, right? Because he does the, he circumnavigates the hole in New Zealand. Australia, he just does one tiny bit. He's just the east side of it. Yeah. Anyway, but yeah, Cook sticks a flag down and then fucks off. Now, I think he does maybe shoot an Aboriginal when he lands on Botany Bay.

Along the whole journey, he is having little skirmishes. But as we've said, he has worked in a grocer's, he thinks this might be a mushroom. Fine. But he's not doing what Columbus does, right? Touchdown, immediately enslave them, kill them, live with them as much as possible. Yeah.

He's going in, he's saying high, if they're aggressive, he might shoot one or two of them. Yeah. Yeah, fine. By today's standards, he's not, you know, he's not Greta Thumburg. We can't judge people by today's standards.

Yeah. He's an explorer. Yeah. He's explored. You're going to shoot some locals. It's going to happen. Someone's going to get shot. Yeah.

I mean, he's basically the symbol of colonialism for the aboriginals. But what then happens is that he fucks off. Now, we'll deal with the second and third voyages in a minute. But what then happens is that Britain loses America in the War of Independence, 76. So that has been where we're sending all our prisoners. Yeah. Convicts. It's the beginning of the end for America.

Yeah. It is. It's where he. go their own way and they well just look look what's happened it's disaster fentanyl fatties Disneyland Marvel movies 9-11 you name it they fucked it up they've completely fucked it up they're begging to come back into British control and we don't want them now you've fucked you've fucked it you've ruined it you owe us a lot of tea and I don't I don't want to go anywhere near they do they do a lot of tea I don't want to go anywhere near

America no it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a bit fire and it's only less of, slightly less of a binfire than Australia. Slightly. New York's nice. I like New York. I could not live anywhere else in America. I want to be able to walk. You fat fucks can't,

don't even build pavements. They're just driving and their fucking arm fat is spilling out of the wind. They've got to open the window so they can fit in the fucking car. Genuinely, their man boobs are spilling out of the fucking open window. It's not just the arm leading out of the window. Half their fucking ass out of the window. And they're just sipping a sippy cup,

just fucking milkshed. the entire time drive through restaurants they can't even get out of their car to fucking eat the fucking cattle anyway but we'd love to tour America

yeah if you're an American listener please pass us on to all your friends yeah we'd love to build an audience over there and see a wonderful country full of fat fucks

yeah we'd love we should tour it saying we want our tea back that's a good name for a title come on come on give us our tea back and maybe with a cattle prod trying maybe we can capture

the fat people and bring them back to the UK with a net yeah we put them on stage at the West End yeah Yes, we should start a human zoo. But for fat fucks, don't make it racial, making fats it.

Get some pastry chasers live on stage. Let's do Fatsperson in America. Come on, Charlie. We've done Fattest Baby all over the world. America is... We have done Australian Fats Baby as well. It's Michael Jordan. It's the World Series.

Here we go. Oh, my word. Look at his legs. Look at his legs. Go back to his legs. Fucking hell. But no one had ever been this fat. They were complete pioneers and...

No one had diets like these. Who is this? When was he alive? This is John. Brown and Minok and he was alive between 1941. Record us the heaviest human in history. Still. Weighing a hundred stone at his peak.

Ooh. Fuck. So 6153 KG. I weigh 82 KG. So that's Eight of you. Yeah. Christ. Do my 500 pound life. Type of my 500 pound life. He's got two Donna Kababs there. It's the elephant man. He's got Donna Kababs at 10 a.m. Have you ever seen? Have you ever seen Dona Kababs in the morning? Before they've been fucked.

Nothing puts you less off kebabs there. and seeing them whole fucking John Minow's leg up into the grill before they get cut. Look at this. This is what we're talking about. This is what America is the best.

This is the front of our American tour show. I love this. TLC, my Sixth of Pound Live, it's some of the best content. No one does it better than America. I need a CPAT mask to pee. That's how out of breath I am. There was this great guy who was in his mom's basement

and it was like every morning the only trip he did was upstairs and it took him 40 minutes and it was like the most painful thing ever and then he would have four different takeaways arrive for breakfast and he'd be so excited

that he'd be vibrating it's awesome right that's our skinniest listener right there that's our listener in the best shape that's our most mobile listener yeah right so anyway

that's America but this is not about America. It's not about America. It's about Australia who are slightly let that do they're not fat to be fed to them. They're quite healthy aren't they? They're thick though. Yeah. Well they're thick and they're shit lids. They're hymboes and bimbos. Do you know what himbo is?

No. It's a male bimbo right? So it's like they're better shape, better looking. They're jocks right? Yes. They don't have much going on in their head but they do look better than Brits probably. Uh yes. They're healthier. They got a bit of tan. But then they open their mouth. Oh. You go fuck that. No, absolutely not. mullets, shitlids, neck tattoos.

Yeah, it's Himbo Island though. They're just, you know. They are healthy though. They're healthy and stupid, basically. In some ways. In some ways. Physically healthy. My great-great-aunt was alive

to quite recently. Apparently she was living to like 108 or something mental. They would like check her for her breathing. And she'd just be there like, and then you'd have like a finger under her nose and she goes, still here. She's like like kind of whole. You'd be like that under her nose.

Hey, man, set this out. she'd like yep i'm alive to check she's breathing she'd like put it there and then she'd like open her eyes like horror movie style she'd like you said put your fingers underneath her nose and she'd go i'm alive to feel breath right right not to like old it's australian what's say how they're saying you go and see your nan you just eat a packet of scampi fries and then you just fucking soy smell like oh oh delicious have you seen that advert that was banned for scampy fries no this is type of sin charlie fish fingers this is an advert that was banned for scampy fries where a guy and a girl

or a house party and the guy like the girl sort of beckes into the toilet and he's with his mates and he's like yeah yeah yeah and then she like

she said she goes to the toilet and she goes no I don't want to fuck you so he goes into the bedroom and quickly eat a packet of scampi fries and then goes back to his mate's like yeah man check this out and they smell these fingers and then that's the end of the advert

what's the sales pitch well it's like you're obviously not going to get laid so if I can eat some scampie fries and you make something play it it's crazy I love his app yeah what's the mad men pitch

for this campaign okay we've got we've got a crisp that smells like puss how do we smell it to drunk men yeah here we go so he's going to try he's going to the bathroom she's like no thanks so he's cucked so he goes right I've got into the bedroom

smash a bag of scampi fries yeah goes back and he's like hey boys check this out the sweet smell of success I do's love scampi fries yeah they're great brilliant brilliant beer snack I think that's why they taste nice.

It's a primal straight urge to have fanny fingers. Well, because they taste like pumb. Pum. Yeah. Pum, pump fries. It's date night. We get home.

Yeah, I love a packet of scatty fries, please love. Two packets of scabby fries. Pipee fries. Why, like, pint a bit of a bag of scabby fries, would you? My wife hates that. Oldest Australian. Oh, Christ. Ken Weeks.

He's 112. 112 old no he's got he's got a fuck all yeah flauna how old is ethel

113 118 I thought 119 well she trying to get to oh she is like 117 116 I think anyway so the point is

America is no longer the place for Britain's fucking waste right it's no longer our sewer yeah

it's its own sewer well done to them brilliant it's a fatberg they block their own sewer They've poured oil down the drain. That's why the Titanic sank.

We covered this. It hits America, which is a fat bug. Anyway. Now, so in 1776, Britain has a prison crisis because it's just been banging anyone up and juries are getting a bit... I mean, this is the kind of entering into the Golden Age of Prisons almost,

the Victorian prison system. Yeah, if you're not inside. I'd say to be a prisoner, it's not the golden age. But this is kind of the birth of modern prisons. like Victorian prison... Yeah, we're getting towards the Victorian age of suppose we're not quite there yet

but this is the late sorry we should say this is the late 18th century which you'd like to place this for our late 80th century so this is... For our bedbound listeners with the CPAP mask on.

Yeah. This is... So the first fleet is 1788. That's what we're going to... 1788. So this is before after the invention of... Before the invention of...

Before the invention of Scampi fries, right? Yes. Charlie, can you Google when Scampy fries are invented? I'm thinking the 60s. Yeah. Fuck,

World War I. Wow. Crazy. And after the first mention of fingering in any form of literature. Any form of literature. That's...

It's an ambitious shot that. Sexual fingering. Fing Fannie in literature. Do we have anything like that? 1830s. Publication of... No, no, 1748. Fanny Hill.

So, yeah, it's before ordering a packet of scampy fries in its original term and it's after the concept of fingering it's kind of coming to you know now it's bad time for if you're a prisoner in britain because they can't send you to our sewer which is america so they then just basically the prisons are overcrowded juries are getting a bit more squeamish about the death penalty so it's in america in australia like the gooch because like america's some stinky balls yeah and australia's an asshole yeah and that sort of the nine-month voyage to the asshole. Where's the fanny? Britain.

We're the fanny. He likes that. Yeah. We're the packet of scampi fries. Right. Yeah. Where's, okay. And Australia is the pub toilet. I don't know. Yeah. This analogy is running out of road. So, they're, the prisons are crowding. Now, they have these big ships

that they have old ships on the Thames called Hulks. Yeah. That they just shove prisoners in and everyone's dying because disease is awful and they, you know, they're old, I think they're old slave ships and stuff. So these aren't working. they're overcrowding, everyone's dying this is the start of maybe

there's some outlandish thought that maybe prison should be correctional and the prisoners are redeemable as people now in the mid-1780s with all this stuff going on Britain has an idea takes up a list of different places

to replace America for sending all their dirty waste one of them it considers as West Africa around the Gambia and they send people there in, I don't know, 1786 maybe, and it does not go well. Why not? Pretty much everyone dies of malaria.

Fine. And there's no one, they don't send any real, like, none of the crops they send take. Fine. They don't send any kind of engineers. But it's funny to me that West Africa was nearly Australia. Yeah. Why are you goodie? Yeah.

Why are you good, I, mate? Why are you gay? That was nearly, that was nearly the Gambia. Yeah. Well, it would have been South Africa, basically, wouldn't it? Yes, I suppose it would have been to West South Africa. Anyway, so the African experiment is ultimately unsuccessful. Now, there's a guy, Joseph Banks.

The African experiment. That sounds a bit fruity, though. Yeah, libidate. Now, I think Joseph Banks, he was also, as a polymath, he was head of the African society. Right. Which I'm lobbying for membership of currently. It's a shame that you don't still have colonial societies. Some people are going for social house.

I'm going for African society membership Hello I'm an amateur phrenology I've got my skull my skull size badge one I'd like to join please I think I think there's someone going on here yeah yeah I don't want something house membership much more to my type of people in the African society Joseph Banks goes Fairfax that's not going to work

so he having been to Australia with Cook he advocates for a penal settlement at Botany Bay because he's like there's loads of plants the people are sort of they're not really they're not that bothered it seems they're closer to trees in my mind so he decides that a penal colony in the New South Wales will relieve pressure on British prisons

but how serious is the crimes that these people have committed because it's like sealing a loaf of bread you can end up in Australia it's basically just being poor I don't think it's that the floor and fauna thing why are they saying they're flowers it's not that they're legally there's no legal text that says aboriginals are floor and

But they might as well be the way where they're being treated. They were genuinely they were the government departments responsible for dealing with them were the environment department. Remember this is the Enlightenment so a lot of very advanced ideas

of freedom and liberty but basically how they get around that is they just don't freedom and liberty and humanity. For me. For me. Not for you. You're a plant.

It's very funny. A period where it's radical new ideas about freedom but applied only to me. Man is. created as a free thinking, no, not you, you're a tree. I'm a man. It's very funny. Plant is crazy. And also, I was late last night. My wife was watching selling sunset and I was reading a 19th century phonology paper on the Aboriginals. Because you can find anything online

these days. Fuck me. Spicy stuff. Some good stuff. Yeah. They basically, they, they, they, I can't remember what his name was Stafford, someone. Renowned phenologian, ethnologist. He saw the the Fuegians, the Terra del Fuegians and the Aboriginals right at the bottom of the racial hierarchy and he called them a doomed race so he said that because they're so far behind in his words they will die out and they'll basically

And how will they die out? Well he said by by drinking themselves to death but then it's like who's given the liquor oh we will we'll give them all the booze and we'll give them smallpox and then that'll be the end of them anyway so but bear in mind I just want to put

opinion that Cook plants a flag on East Coast Australia then never goes there again so he's there for fucking seven weeks yeah right he gets all the shit and he's off so Joseph Banks goes up into Botany Bay

it's nice I reckon you could start a penal colony there so they then there's a guy called Arthur Philip a governor Philip he's appointed governor of the new colony so he's the first governor Australian governor of New South Wales

I think so sort of now he commands the first fleet first Australian maybe Arthur Philip sort No, because he's not a convict. Right. He's a British man that's, he's a caretaker manager. Sure.

He's, uh, he's, he's, uh, he's, he's sends the first fleet from Portsmouth, very appropriate. Yeah. Portsmouth, uh, to Australia to Royal Navy vessels, three store ships, six convict ships, about 1,500 people. Friendship. Oh, no. The unsinkable. Now, 48% people, 408 people died on route, which is about 3% of the total.

No, you take that, I guess. It's a numbers game. They arrive on the 18th of January 1788. They reach Botany Bay, but Philip finds the site unusable, so then sails a bit up into what's now Sydney Cove on the 26th January lands. That is Australia, which is a big flashpoint in Australia. Like Columbus Day? Yeah, there's now a move to call it Survival Day,

which is where the Aboriginal and the Torres Strait Islanders, they celebrate the fact they're still here. It's a bit of a bummer, though, if you're why. It's not quite as, yeah, it's not quite as catchy, I suppose. We're here, just, you know, that's the... What I can't work out of it? about Australia is it feels like it's the least woke and

woke country at the same time they're grappling with this history but they're also viciously racist that's that's why though isn't it the backlash the inverse will be stronger where there's a lot of Australia's saying this is also so recent yeah yeah yeah but it's so

recent because you have to remember Australia is five cities yeah right so Melbourne is probably the woken place on earth right because the country where it is is fucking It's fucking shitlids, wife beating, drinking cans of Castle, Maine, throwing at a tree, you know what I mean? Where do you think the nastiest cunts in Australia?

Alice Springs, Darwin. It's all northern territory, all those places, yeah. If you're backpacking around there, you're getting your head kicked in. You're done. You don't want to be in the outback. Yeah, these are some of the crustiest white people on earth. Yeah. Yeah.

As far removed from the indigenous white, you know, center as possible. No, no, no. This is like, you know, it's like rapey is real. These people, you know, it's bad vibes. What does that make Israel then? Consent to Israel? No, I mean, if... If this is rapey Israel, then what's Israel?

No, is it? I mean, there's just... Feminist Israel, I don't know. I don't know. Australians are famously misogynist. And I don't know what, I don't know. Would you say maybe problematic Israel? Yes, I would say that.

I'd say... Israel, if it was problematic. Yeah. If you can imagine that world. Israel, if there's any problem with its founding. Yeah. It's Israel on stolen land That's what it is

That's what Australia is Yeah Anyway So the fleet Land At what's now Sydney And Philip Now supposedly there's a massive orgy

When they open the ship With who? Themselves They all spill out The prisoners All spil up No there's women on there as well Nauty women

Nauty women And babies Now this is Written up in Newspapers in Britain. So it could be just tabloid TMZ shit.

Separate boat for women. But I like to imagine supposedly the apocryphal first landing, they all land on the beach and they've been at sea for, what is it, eight, nine months,

how long's the journey? Nine months, ten months, something like that. They all spill out. The orgy that never stopped. They just are, exactly. Stop it, lads. Yeah.

It's 2025. You're still fucking each other on a beach. It's the original shrimp and a Barbie. That's if you were there. Oh. Lobster.

I reckon they've gone. No, I tell you what your cock is. It's a bay bug. Go on. What's a bay bug? Is that like quite a normal sized? It's a slightly bigger prawn. It's like a crayfish.

Yeah. Australian greyfog, let's have a look at how big that is. It's not a micro penis, but it's not a... All right. Yeah, I'll take that. A shrimp is a microbeenus. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to get better than that. A shrimp's a micro penis and then a langestine is an average penis and a bay big is

Slightly small than Langestine, I'd imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll take that. Take it. Both hands. Snap your hands off of that. This is the biggest crustacean.

Japanese spider crab. They're amazing. Whoa, it's a scale with a human. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, it's definitely not that. No. No. That's crazy.

He's in a hot tub with a crab. What's his game? He's called Big Daddy. He's named Big Daddy. With a baddie in a top tub. Look at that. He's hugging a crab. That's fucking, that's weird.

Crab hugger. Yeah, if you're a crab hugger, I think that you've got somewhere wrong with you. Anyway, so 1788, they all fuck on the beach the original shrimp on the Barbie Philip tries to set up this civil administration

farming, and he plans for the emancipation of convicts. Because Philip is a big believer in redemption and how prisoners are... My ideas are swirling around. Starting to, yeah. White people could be redeemable. Fascinating. And they obviously, they set up in a forest

and I don't start somewhere. Yeah, exactly. They set up in a forest. Now, that's not just a crowd of Aboriginal people. That is an actual forest. But maybe it's like, who knows. God, it's beautiful woodland. It's like, there's like,

we're right here, mate. They land on the beach. And I'd like to imagine now, because as this comes out on Thursday, it's the first Ashes test, I imagine that a convict, an Irish rapist, he looks at the sand

and he picks it up and he thinks, oh, I wonder what this would do to the surface of a cricket ball. You know, it's the long road to sandpaper game, isn't it? It's the long road to just... There's a line. There's a real line that can.

line here to Steve Smith crying on the telly. Anyway, so the new colony starts to make early contact with the Indigenous lot and Philip is a big believer in being nice to them. Okay. The problem it seems arises when he fucks off because of kidney stones in 7092. And then another guy called different Philip comes in. He's quite nasty. Okay. And a lot of the convicts, the settlers are then, they're fucking off. They're escaping, becoming bush rangers, which sounds like a slur as well. So that's Alice Springs, how it's just people have escaped. Bush Rangers are like outlaws or highwaymen in Australia. Right.

But Bush Rangers is quite a funny slur for a lesbian. But these bush rangers, I think, and that's where they're kind of settler. Well, basically when Philip leaves, all the colonies' organization breaks down, and a lot of people start going to try and settle stuff. It's like bacteria. Start farms. And by farms, they mean Aboriginal people's land. And that's where it all starts to.

You then get into like Frontier Wars, which I'll do a whole series on because that's pretty spicy. And there's a little bit of resistance from the Aboriginals, but there's never a treaty signed, which I think is the big difference why Australia is so touchy about it,

is that with the Maori and New Zealand and with Canada First Peoples and all that lot, that they sign treaties with the tribesmen. There's never a treaty sign with the Aboriginal people. It feels like a relationship with Maori better than Americans with Australia. There seems to be more intertwined.

The British and Maui have a proper war. And then they're shaking hands. Yeah, but as in they sign treaties with the Mao, as in like they think these people are sophisticated enough to deal with them as they would be like a foreign European power. That never happens in Australia. They literally think their trees and mushrooms and just treat them as such.

Anyway, so that's the first fleet. That's where the prisoner thing starts. That's nothing to do with Cook. And Aboriginals, so Māoris are Polynesian genetically, right? Yes, but aboriginals, that's its whole own thing, right? it doesn't really, there's not really anything like it even the surrounding.

Is it Papua New Guinea maybe? I don't even think so. Papua New Guinea is more... Aborigines have been there since the 65,000 BC. Yeah, so they've been there. And I think that's why a lot of the wildlife,

the kangaroos and such, is so distinct, is because it has sort of... It's also the oldest rock in the world. All of the geology, that's the oldest about anything. Anyway, let's get back to Cook. So Cook has fucked off.

He's planted flag in New Holland. He's gone back to see his wife for the 25% of his marriage that he needs to see her for. This is a second voyage in 7072. Now, if you look at the map, I'll switch to video for this bit. He's

really trying to... Great Thumburg's Flotilla. Yeah. He does a fair few loop to loops around Australia. So is he doing tricks now? Yeah. Is he like Tony Hawks? You're trying to get bonus points? Yeah. He's doing all these off New Zealand. His second voyage is to determine once and for all whether the great

terror Australis exists because he's found a bit of New Holland but they assume New Holland is part of some massive continent down there he's the first this is in the resolution which is his flagship and adventure and Banks was meant to go but he withdraws because they renovate the ships that it's not good enough for him and it sets sail from Plymouth and 7072 and it's got like an icebreaker on it because it's going to be going through the ice and ship. Now,

773, January is the first recording crossing of the Antarctic Circle. But does Cook now head further south than anyone's head before? Yeah, I believe. Yeah. This is where he basically skirts Antarctica. Yeah.

But he comes within 75 miles a bit, but he never cites land and he never... Because that he doesn't discover it. People don't know what Antarctica is. No. Right. No.

Who found Antarctica? Sorry, who discovers it? Scott? Is it? Or is he the one... I think Scott... Scott the Antarctic? goes to the middle of it, but I don't know if...

First Europeans to reach the continent around 1820. Yeah, so it was later. Fabian Gottlieb von Bellinghausen. Some researchers also suggest that Maori would have been the first to see it. Woke. No, woke nonsense. Woke nonsense. Of course they would.

Why do you think New Zealand and Australia, why are their vibes so different? You know, like New Zealand's like... Well, it's America and Canada, is it not? But who's who? Who's who? They're kind of, it's on a small scale. The thing about New Zealand is... Yeah, they're kind of like...

polite, kind of... They're self-sufficient. They're so detached from the global culture, society, news cycle that they're literally, you mention anything vaguely that we'd find spicy and they're like, they're like, they're like farmers

in the, like, they're like space junk essentially just floating through the planet. But what the difference between them in Australia, I guess, because Australia is also pretty disconnected. Less so. But Australia is British expats in the sun. It's Benadorm. It's Benadorm.

It's Benadorm for 250 years. That's what it is. Yeah. Apparently a lot of billionaires have got bunkers in New Zealand like doomsday bunkers. Whereas New Zealand's a hiking holiday? The South Island and New Zealand is incredible.

Yeah. And it is like if you've ever been, have you been Charlie? Yeah. It's crazy. The colours of New Zealand, like it's amazing. I love to go.

My cousin lives there, yeah. But I'll get around in New Zealand, right? Yeah. Also, the cities are garbage in New Zealand's. That's not why you go. Auckland's like a shitter, Birmingham. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. I know. And that's their main city. But coffee is incredible in both Australia, New Zealand. Though Paddy was saying when he was out there, that they all talk about their coffee, but it's as good as nice coffee here.

Like they say they'll try nice coffee here, and they'll be like, oh, this isn't proper. But like, a wanky coffee shot. Australian decisions have come here and bought their coffee. Also, so Australian did invent brunch. That's Australian culture. Avo toast. Yes, it was originally smashed Abo.

And then they were like, oh, why don't we make that avocado rather than Aboriginal? Anyway. Smashed Abo. Um, anyway. But we've, because we've had a couple of Australians on the show, McCann, Jones McCann and the great cricketers. Whenever you bring up this stuff, they do get pretty touchy,

because they feel they're going to get in trouble back home. They're so, they're so squeamish about it. Even Spice Australians are like, I just don't want to. No, no, no, no, I'm really sorry. Yeah, yeah. Do we have anything like that in the UK? Not to my mind. No.

We beat Hitler. Yeah. Yeah, no. I don't know there's anything that we'd get really squeamish about. No, I don't think so. No, I'll do it again. Um, um, Yeah, no, they're very icky about it

But then as I said, when you go there You do, it is just a two-tier society Right But it's funny that they don't really change anything They just feel guilty about it Well, they have, there's a lot of like Cultural signalling like the land acknowledgement But they don't seem to be

No, it doesn't mean anything No, it's just an absolute disaster for them Aboriginals No other way to say it. Let's keep it light So, Cook, second voyage Sails through the Southern Winter Now there's a bit of skirt

that outbreaks on this, which Cook's a little bit about. He's like, get back on the crowd, lads. The ships, the adventure and the other one gets separated by a storm. So Cook waits for them three weeks at New Zealand. Now, when the adventure arrives late to New Zealand, 10 crew are killed by Maori in a violent

misunderstanding. Right. Well, Australia is a violent misunderstanding. Exactly. The whole lake region is, yeah. And it suggested they were eaten by the natives as the search party reported finding cooked remains. So don't let them cook. Yes. Let him cook. Don't let them cook.

Yeah. So they press on and they reach the furthest south ever by anyone recorded. I mean, by anyone,

brackets white European. Yeah. January 7774, which is a new record. He's stopped by Pack Ice. Yes. He writes in his diary,

My ambition leads me further than any man has been before me. Oh. He gets gravely ill because there's no meat on the thing and he eats a dog, another dog.

Second dog cooks eating. Yep. again canceling for that what is it Charlie if we went back and we're on this button we were just chatting like how we chat now like what how long do you think it would take them to clock that we were from the future

well I mean you they think you're from the past yes they'll be like who's this person from the past this guy doesn't know anything who's this guy from the dark ages and survived I think the fact that we were talking mainly about scampy fries they'd be like who are these guys

but like that's banging if we said that's banging If we gave a pack of scampy fires, they'd be like, fucking hell. We're all just may not see. We've not tasted this for a month. Are we just like we're talking now? We're just being like, oh, do you need any help with the ship? No, but get, no, but, Charlie, give it Sunday, no. Charlie, give it something. Charlie, give it something.

Oh, it's freezing today. I'm really, I miss, I would, I'd love to be back home at the minute. No, but throw some ye y' olds and stuff. Yeah, that's a bit too much. You can't put too much on it. Like, ye old, thou, wow, thy will help thee with, with my jacket. I mean, they'll be like you're doing too much. How are they speaking?

They're doing these and eyes? No, they are. I don't think so. No, winter is prancing. Winter is pressing. Winter is pressing. Winter is pressing. They got this sort of like weird Irish kind of there.

So this is a quote from cooking the ship. They make dog broth for him. Maybe this is the original Brahmin, I don't know. I received nourishment and strength from food, which would have made most people in Europe sick. They stop in Tonga. I'd love to go Tonga. Yeah.

I've been Fiji Fijian is fucking terrific Love pudding Again they love pudding in Fiji They love canned fruit They love anything in tins that lot Big fuckers aren't they Big fuckers eating cans

There's a lot to like about the Fijians Yeah Everyone fucks everyone again That the cook says No thank you I'm not interested I've got a horribly ugly wife at home He lands at New Caledonia

Which oh yeah This is where cook and some of his party Eat a poisonous puffer fish despite warnings and then they're all paralysed for a bit because I can't think of anything less edible to the eyes. I went to Osaka where they do the puff fish and it's like only

trained sushi chefs can cut it so you don't get poison. Really? And it's this restaurant where the only thing they serve is puffer fish and we had it it's terrible fish. So it's just pointless. Yeah. So we ate it and it was like risk death for like a flaviless white, chewy fish. It's the jeopardy, isn't it? That's what makes it delicate. I guess so. I'll get my kit. I'll do a bungee jump.

They're 1,200 times. more poisonous than cyanide, and one pufffish has enough toxin to kill 30 adult humans. No antidote exists. Fuck at all. Fuck. For a shitty... So you ate it? Yeah, do... And only sharks are immune. I ate... Yeah, there we go. It's just a flavourless, chewy white

fish. Right. It's all like calamari. Fugu. One bad cut means certain death. Yeah, I mean, why are you putting this on your website? Many such deaths occur annually. Really? How many deaths? How many Japanese deaths are there from people eating Fugu? 50. Okay.

50 annually dying Japan. So I now want to know how many people die from vending machines falling on them in America a year. Because, you know, Americans are fat and love snacks. The Japanese love doing fruity things with fish. Yeah. And they fly too close to the sun. Both of them. Both of them in their own way.

Two deaths a year. Okay. The problem is, though, if you're that fat that you're going to die from a vending machine collapsing on you, you're probably going to be able to bounce the machine off, aren't you? You'd probably be able to wear it. So there's a small Venn diagram where you're just, you're reaching, the ambitiously fat, the aspirationally fat, when you're caught in that awkward middle face.

It's like when your hair's an awkward middle face. You're trying to grow out and it doesn't look quite right. You're not quite fat enough to really break through. Look at previous episodes of this podcast, my hair was slightly long, a lot long as it is now. Yeah, but you're desperately trying to get the fucking Cheetos out of the machine. And then you pull it onto you? Is that what you do?

I mean, what a way to go, Christ. Yeah, humiliating. And it's just as humiliating as... I mean, what happens if you're a chef and you cut the fish wrong and you kill someone? And how hard is it? I imagine it's just a poison sack and you just cut it out. It's probably really hard.

Yeah. I imagine it's really hard, yeah. Yeah. If 50 people are dying a year, that's fucking mental. Yeah, I don't know why I ate it. If you go for dinner, if you were getting for dinner, if you were going to, I've made Fugu. I thought I've had a go at it.

I watched a YouTube video. Honestly, ignore puff of fish you guys do it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. If it was delicious, I think you could justify it, but it's just not. No, but is it not made more tasty by the fact that every bite you're like... The risk. Well, it's the only reason to do it. That's why there's pufferfish restaurants.

Russian roulette. It's literally the only... It's Russian roulette, isn't it? The only appeal is you might die. Japanese roulette. God, they love suicide, don't they? They love it. Are you tired of starting your day with pointless political arguments, superficial summaries and lukewarm hot takes on the radio? Then switch to the bunker, where we look at the news without the nonsense.

Every weekday morning, the bunker brings you a brand, new, in-depth look at just one story. From the chaos in Washington to the seismic political shifts in the UK to business, economics, history and pop culture. Or start your week, our essential Monday morning roundup of the week's upcoming stories. We cut through the noise to bring you what matters. That's the bonker. News Without the Nonsense.

Every weekday. With me, Andrew Harrison, Ross Taylor, Jacob Jarvis, Gavin Esler, Zing, and me, Seth Treble. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Anyway, July 75, he completes the first known circumnavigation below the Antarctic Circle. So he's pricking up records. He's Ronaldo and Saudi. It's just like every other day.

He's knocking him up. I chat GBTed yesterday, the amount of countries he's discovered quotes, if you want to be a dick about it. Yeah. If you want to be a fucking prick. You want to be a pedophile about it. You want to be all Nazi about it. Yes, he's white.

And it was people who have been there before. Boring. What do they write down? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, let's read their books about it then. Yes, their mushroom. Anyway, he completes a circumnavigation in 7075.

The Admiral, this is where he becomes captain. And he lost no men to scurvy, which is a record. Right. Can we get scurvy if we wanted to? You could. You could easily get to it. There's no shot for it. You can't just get it.

Well, you just eat an orange. No, no. Oh, really? Yeah. No, no, no, no. Wow. No, definitely not. Oh, brilliant.

Oh, is that it? I'm fine. Yeah. But if you set your mind to it, how long would it take it? you to get scurlop. I don't know, probably like a couple months, no vitamins? Just crisps every day. I don't think it's months, I reckon you could do it in weeks.

Really? Yeah. Do you know how shit you feel if you haven't had any greens or anything for ages? Yeah. You're on the way to scurvy. Yeah. But you have to be so determined to get scurvy nowadays. On land.

On land. Yeah. With like Pratt doing ginger shots and stuff. One ginger shot, you're fine, I reckon. Yeah, because you just suck one lime and that you sorted for another couple weeks. Yeah. At least. So see how many people this year.

got scurvy. It's embarrassing. Yeah, you should be ashamed. If you get scurvy on land, you should be ashamed of yourself. Well, we've seen some of the most mobile listeners we have in America. There are 171 cases of scurvy in the UK in 23. 173 cases in the UK. 171, I think. Well, hello to all of those. I know you're all listening. If you drink a radler, he might be all right.

Yeah. Now, so he becomes captain and he gets put into honorary retirement in 75, but he hates this because that means he has to spend time with his ugly wife. I don't want to retire. get me back to work. Look at her. She looks like a rotten pudding of a woman.

She looks like bread and butter pudding that's gone off. I don't want anything to do with that. She's absolutely clapped his wife with that hat.

I mean that hat. Also obviously a butter wouldn't melt. Butter would harden. Butter would harden. It's a fridge. No, butter would melt. Yeah,

Brutton. Wood. Yeah, butter wood melt. So butter would clarify. Yeah. She's gie. I mean, the thing is, if you look like that, why are you wearing that fucking bonts? She looked ridiculous. No, looks insane. But you don't know what's underneath. So he's, so he's obviously very annoyed about the fact that

they're trying to retire him because his wife's clapped. He doesn't want to look at her. So look, his colleagues later said that, quote, Cook seems uneasy on land. Yeah. Of course he is. Because I want to get into international waters where I'm not married and I can fucking jack it into biscuits or whatever. Yeah.

We haven't taught you. They must have been playing a lot of soggy biscuit on this journey. It's a naval game. He's a naval game. Anyway, but he's uneasy on land, doesn't want to look at his wife.

So the Admiralty are doing another major mission, which is to seek the fabled Northwest Passage. Yes. Now this is supposedly a route from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

Okay. So this is the other end. This is going south to north. Right. So he's going to see if what's now the bearing land straits and all that stuff. Oh, right. Going over Canada?

Yeah. Right. To get to the Pacific. Okay, right. Or rather he's going to go the other way. He's going to go from the Pacific. He knows what he's doing in the Pacific. He loves to South Sea.

So he's going to go over through Alaska, over Alaska. So he charts the west coast of America, the northwest coast. He does a lot. Oregon. Again, he loves it. He loves it. At all times, by the way, he's mapping stuff. So when he mapped the east coast of Australia,

the French then arrived like five years later. and they're doing their own maps, they saw Cook's maps and they said Cook's maps of Australia were better than the French's maps of the coast of France.

Yes. So him just doing it on a jolly was better than France could map their own coast for their whole, you know, all the whole time.

Yeah, makes sense. So on the 12th of July, 1776, damn, this is independence, right? Yes. Well, it's the start of... Seventy-76 is... Is that the year that they...

That's the big year, right? That's the outbreak of the war. They don't lose it. at the beginning of the end, right? Is independence declared on the 4th of July 776? Yes. Yes. Right.

This is the end of American culture. It is. This is the, yeah, this is when the first sippy cup is sipped here. The original 9-11. The original 9-11, 12th of July. They set off to locate this sea route, fabled Northwest Passage. My wife's got a fabled Northwest Passage. Fabled?

Fabled. I don't know. Sailors taught with fear in that house. I've never found it. Is that at her bottom? Yes, I've never found it. supposedly it's there. Many men have been lost.

Many men have been lost. You know when you're climbing up Everest and the bodies are frozen on the route? A lot of Nepalese dead bodies around my wife's ass. A lot of Sherpas and boys who went to private school

are frozen forever. Their bodies don't deteriorate. So if you have a mate who died in Everest if you go climb it years later he'll still be there. Yeah. And there's several base camps. That's your eyes ass.

There's several base camps. More posh blocs. Several base camps around the back of my wife's thighs. Anyway, so he goes to Tasmania He just wants to get out of the house She's like, fuck it

She's looking even worse Fucking hell He does go all over the place Doesn't it? Look at his heat map It's crazy He's bobbing about He's like sort of Gary Evel

His caffeine He's like up and down Up and down So the expedition reaches Tasmania, New Zealand 777 Revisit Tonga Yada yada He comes across the Hawaiian Islands

No I'm sorry He doesn't come across them He's not doing any of that He's semen retention Do you know Hawaii was the British colony for a little bit? I did.

It doesn't really... I still call it the Sandwich Islands. Hawaii and British vibes seem quite the most opposite, almost. Do you reckon? I feel like British Hawaii doesn't seem to work in my head. I mean, American Hawaii doesn't seem to work, to be honest. But it's weird. Type in population of Honolulu, I do really want to go to Hawaii.

But I'm never going to go because it's too far. I'm going to go. It's so, so far. Are you going to go? 350,000. So that's pretty nuts to have like a proper city. Which is, which is to place that. Belfast.

It's only a bit more than the trans people. people of Thailand, so it's... Oh, fair enough. Right. So it's trans Hololulu. I don't know if that makes the stats seem impressive because they're both surprising. If everyone in Honolulu's trans, then that is impressive.

Yeah. But I don't think they are. No. 10,000 in Honolulu. Yeah. It's quite a lot. Dropping the ocean. 350,000 people, 10,000 of them are trans.

That's no, no, you've misread it. It's in the state of Hawaii. Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, fine, fine. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine.

I'm fine with that. otherwise something's definitely gone wrong yeah so he comes across the Hawaiian islands which he calls the sandwich islands after the first Lord of the Admiralty Mr Sandwich I don't know what his name is he then sails north to explore the western coast of North America it shouldn't be called the Sandwich Island you know it's just it feels it's a reminder that white people probably shouldn't be there

that islands like this Pacific Islands it's like British people out with their death fucking bacon pap island what I will say is that Cook was a brilliant child photographer, but he couldn't name stuff for shit. He was not, he didn't have a lot of imagination. No. He was an observationist.

Yes. He was not, he didn't have like a, no. The Sandwich Islands. The Japanese have flown a plane. Poverty Bay. The Japanese have flown a plane into a plowman's. That's what it's crazy. The Plowman's islands, the Bacon Bat, archipelago.

Just making it as un-exotic as possible. Yeah. Even though it's an island in the middle of the Pacific. The most exotic place there is. Yeah, literally. Sandwich. anyway so he's trying to get up so he arrives at hawaii and i think it's all quite friendly the first time he's there i think you have those like flower necklaces right yeah so he

arrives in hawaii and he's received with an almost they're called leloz you get them in fiji as well divine honors his timing coincided with the makahiki festival which is a festival around their fertility god and so hawaiians may have associated him with that god and so they they think he's mystical or whatever. Which we should probably promote the patron for this week, right? Oh yeah. Our patron tomorrow is going to be on the Pacific Island that thinks Prince Philip's God. Yeah.

I'm following this sort of line of thought. So he goes from Hawaii or sandwich, as I call it, up to the western coast of North America. He charts like Oregon, Washington State, all this stuff. But then I stops him going any further, which is because he was going to go up. What the immigration detention? Yes, they go, you're not from here. Okay, right. get back in your ship

fuck off so then he goes back to Hawaii and this is where he meets his end at I'm going to have to go without a run-up into this word

Kea likeekua Bay You know you're pretty good at these no run-up ones Kea-lacacook no can't no you can't do it I can't really say English words right though

no you can't read Kea like a keku Kea-Kuka this is where he meets his end in 1779 so basically the ice box

they're past so they go back a small boat gets taken from the discovery which isn't unusual but I think

his patience is running thin he might because of his yeah he's because of his wife British dad

back on right oh fuck right right come on no it's like when I no we don't have time

for that now yeah it's like when I um used to work in that language school and all the

Spanish kids would steal yeah right that's enough what are you doing you've stolen from

Primark, that is worthless. That's fucking tat. Right. And I've got to come in and speak to a fucking policeman. How old are you? I'm 19 and they're 13. And I'm like, I'm like a dad. Right.

Miguel, back in the bus. Yes, I'm going to tell you a fucking stupid lazy parents. If they're not asleep when I ring them, Christ. Either sleeping or stealing this lot. Stupid lazy. um anyway speaking of theft captain cook uh they've nicked one of his boats but he's exhausted he might have had a stomach ulcer he's increasingly getting short temper he needs to sit down he needs to sit down he needs just to put his fucking feet up well his wife let him put his feet up

for a minute the kids have been on him all day yeah he just needs a minute to have a fucking cup of tea yeah and a biscuit gets he's probably got low blood sugar yeah kids are around his neck he's angry he's angry you know he's screaming into pillows he's a dad yeah anyway way, Cook on the 14th of February, Valentine's Day, attempt to take the local chief hostage as leverage for his little boat, which has worked in the past. So I guess that's why he's doing it. It feels like a bit of a poor move. In the last episode, the concept of ownership isn't quite the same. Yeah. So Cook is using that as, but they don't really understand this. And so they get the chief of the area to wake up and bring him to the shore. And he's this old bloke called

Kalaniopo Kalaniopo Kalaniopo Kalaniopo I don't know what those accents are meaning Charlie can you Google

how you say Kalaniopu u now what I don't know what on earth I still that you did a pretty good stab at it to be honest

Yeah Kalaniopo pooh I don't think it's Ka La Pooh Kalani or pooh

Where do you get surprised Yeah where do you shit yourself during that saying his name. Kalani, oh, pooh-poo! Oh!

You go, Oh, Kalani, oh, pooh. He's like, Calani. Oh, Poo-Poo. So, Calani, followed by an Oh, Poo-oo-oo. Yeah, so maybe he was named by a guy who just smelled him.

I don't know. Kalani, or Poo. Anyway, they invite him, who's old. Oh. Oh, thank you. stinky Caledney's coming over. So they've moved along the beach to try and settle this dispute

and a crowd gathers. Now, word spreads that the foreigners are seizing the chief. Not poo-poo. Not poop-poo Caladdy. And then hundreds of Hawaiians assemble and they start shouting and they've got clubs and spears.

And they are supposedly vicious. The Hawaiian like warriors. This is Moana stuff. They're like, they're ripped. They're shredded. They've got tattoos. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. It's Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

Right. So there are other skirm. casualties of another skirmish near the bay there's muskets firing um hawaians are bringing two other dead men toward the sea now the corpses enraged the crowd and this is a tense moment charlie can you give us some tense music

her cook sees the situation spiraling what the hell the music tense music well it could be a soundscape oh Charlie try and envisage the so the sounds that you're hearing now so because if this was a history podcast oh me fucking out

So there's, there's, there's Hawaiian shouting. Ah, you know, pooh-poo! There's British men with guns. Why they sound the same? There's the waves crashing against the sort of the beach. Um, and they see the corpses and the crowd are annoyed. Mix them all together. Mix them all together.

Wow, poo. Wow. Blimey poop. Ooh. Okay, so it's a mess, it's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos. And Cook sees the situation, more of it.

Cook sees the situation spiraling. And it all just turned to fall back to the waterline. A minor chief approaches Cook, possibly to calm him. But Cook strikes him with the flasked his sword. The gesture was misunderstood as aggression. It misunderstood as aggression. It's pretty aggressive. So a man rushed.

forward and stab stabs cook in the neck with an iron dagger what noises cook mate why's he saying that he's not Hawaiian no no boy bloody hell

he's you're from Yorkshire there we go oh fuck me why'd you do that for that's what bloody hell oh fuck off right in my gullet

yeah thank you that's quite good he falls instantly the crowd surge pooh pooh yeah cook tries to fire his pistol but stumbled into the surf falls face force face first into the water and he's struck repeatedly with gloves and spears right now according to lieutenant james james king's journal cook is killed his body is dragged away and the surviving marines fire volley after volley from the boats to try and retreat

four marines are killed now cook's remains are treated according to the Hawaiian funerary customs which involves basically you know how you pull a chicken apart? Yes just doing that black gloves on just

stunt food yeah black gloves big thing of someone does it there's a camel hump get the guy with a camel hump on and he just gets a black black gloves on and apparently camel hump's meant to be very delicious and they just pull cook apart so it's pulled and maybe they're putting in

Pulled cook. Awful. Pulled cook. Maybe it's putting it into tacos, maybe I don't know. Pulled camel meat. Yeah, this is what they do to Captain Cook. Bloody hell. That's what they do.

Oh, look at that. That's horrible. That's actually horrible. Oh, I like it. Look at that. It's delicious. That's the hump of the camel. What do you mean too fatty?

I don't like that. Oh, I don't like that. That's where the flavor is. No, it's not. It's like a fucking cyst. It's a delicacy in Dubai. Too fat. Lovely.

That's where all the flavor is. Fuck me. That's our listener in tinfoil. That's our listener being lifted up in a crane wrapped in tinfall. Wow. Look at them out of rice they got under there. And they eat it. They're eating them with their hands.

They're just pulling it apart. This is what they do to Captain Cook. There's a bunch of Saudis with headdresses just pulling them apart. This is like spam. It's not spam. It looks like it though. So the practice, but it's an honour. It's not desecration.

But obviously the Westerners, they read this is that's not cricket. Yes. You pulled our captain apart. But that's evidence that maybe the Hawaiian saw him as, Like an important figure Maybe sacred I feel like when I was learning about this As a kid I was learned that he got eaten

Yeah, I think he may be he is eaten Yeah But he tasted horrible Cook Yeah Yeah He's been at sea for age Old Yorkshireman

A few days later Hawaiian priest's return Part of Cook's remains To the British His hands His scalp And some bones Fuck me

So they have done a job On him the way Chinese Do jobs on ducks They've absolutely Yeah Fucking Serving with plum sauce and cucumber Exactly

Cook pancakes cakes quarter portion pan cook pan cook thank you um so on the 22nd of february his crew bury these remains at sea which i guess just means they just chuck his head scalp into the sea yeah you call it what you want but you just

fucking booted it yeah you just should he bury him now just yeah just oh that's his scalp and his bones right in the sea there you go um a bit like bin laden they might be they might be in similar areas captain cook and bin laden they could be meeting at the moment imagine that when Cook met bin Laden.

So the expedition returns to England in 1780, which completes his final navigation. And news reaches England of Cook's death in 1780. And Elizabeth, his clapped wife, receives a government pension of £200 a year, which is a rare honour for someone

so ugly. Sorry, for a naval widow. Because he didn't get the kudos he deserved from the first voyage. That all went to banks. Right. But I guess by now he's getting, there's a lot of hype around him. But his family line ends with him because none of his six children survived

past adulthood. Fucking hell. Because their mother's so ugly. She died age 93. Fucking hell. So she just fucking, she wears black for the rest of her life. That's what you do if you're not a looker, isn't it? You just wear all black. Yeah, it's true. If you're like, the most stylish fat blokes. All black. All black. And before

she died, she burned all the letters Captain Cook wrote to her. And so here ends the story of Captain Cook and the birth of white Australia. Charlie, what have you learnt in this series? Cook got cooked and they chucked his, the poo guys chucked his head in the sea. Yeah, no, the British chucked him in the sea. The British chucked him in the sea.

Cook got cooked and the poo guys chucked him in the sea. Cook got cooked. At least he learned something. Yeah, yeah. Right. Fair enough. Yeah. Job done.

We've educated Charlie one bit more. And is cook, to sum up the, is cook the, you know, the hate figure that a lot of people in Melbourne with a nose ring. And he eventually got the ultimate wedgy. He did get the ultimate wedge of what being cooked. Yeah, it's being cooked and then having your meat pulled like that. Yeah, that is the ultimate wedgy, isn't it? Yeah, just pulling the pants off you with the flesh. So you sort of got what he deserved for being such a nerd.

Yeah, I guess so. But he got greedy during the third, you know. He was wedged in his lifetime, so we don't have to. It's in the film, it's like you promised that you'd retired one last job. He kept going back for more. Eventually he's going to get wedgied. But I guess you can't be that colossal nerd and get away with it for that long. But there are statues of cook in Australia, and that's where all the,

he's a symbol of everything that happened. He's seen like a relatively He's not actually Fine bloke He did, to be fair Stick a flag And, you know Where he saw people

So he did go against his orders But that's completely normal For the time, right? Yeah Yeah Yeah He didn't decide to make Australia What it is today

You can't blame him for that A fucking cultalist skipfire In the ocean He didn't do that All right He tried his best Right, Ash's predictions Yeah

We'll lose three two But it'll be close It'll be a big series We are, I'll go with that. Charlie, do you got Ash's predictions? You're going to watch it? I will be watching some of it. I think we are going to win.

Really? Yeah. Because we've lost too many times in the row. It just can't keep out. At some point we'll win. I think it can. Australia's pace attack is too good. I just don't see any other win.

I think we'll probably lose four one, to be honest. I think we could lose three one. I'm saying three too optimistically, as a cricket fan, I'd like them to be close matches, not the series to be close. It's in Australia, in it? Yeah, so we normally get absolutely pasted. but the spirit of Captain Cook guide our brave boys over there

go over there treat them like their floor and fauna just leave all the balls and just go out fuck off what are your mushroom I'm not hearing that just leave lads

don't go all swinging do what Cook did shoot a couple of them but just plant a flag and fuck off treat the balls like Cook treats his wife yes leave it alone leave it alone 25% strike rate

That's what Cook had with his life. Slow. Methodical. You know, basball with brains. Yeah, right. That's not, that's kind of,

that's the Australian, that's the first fleet. They did basball Australia, to be fair. They all went, they basboard the Aborigines. And it wasn't cricket. No.

Thanks so much for staying with us. This has been our Captain Cook first fleet series. Oh, if you want more, oh yeah. Oh yeah, that'd be pretty in. Fuck, yeah, man. Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, I've loved to more. Oh, fuck. then we will be dealing on the Patreon tomorrow we're dealing with the Pacific Islanders as we mentioned we worship Prince Philip

and cargo cults as I think they're called three pounds a month and you're gonna become a fucking truth oh fucking truth oh get fucked Finno

and the boys Charlo oh join the fucking Patreon I don't know what my Australian nickname would be it would be Gordo Gordo

Yeah be Gordo Come here Gordo They'd be like Chazzy boy You fucking be small Maldick four eyes. No, it wouldn't be small of it for ice. Oh, I like micro Pino?

Micropino. No, no, no. Micropino? No. Micropino. No. Yeah. I haven't heard that Australians use that nickname anyway.

Right. No, they just add a oath to your surname. Micropino. I think you've got micro penis. And what would yours be then? Massive Pido. Massive Pido? Yeah.

Massive Pido. Micropino, Massive Pido. You call that. You call that yourself. Medium Codon. Massive. Don't call you, give yourself the nickname Massive Pido. Oh.

No, because I'm reclaiming it. Massive Peter. I don't know if that should be reclaimed. I'm reclaiming it. Jepido, Jamil. Right. We'll see you on the Patreon. But otherwise, thanks for listening.

We'll see you next week for a brand-new topic. Hey, get fucked. Get fucked. Thank you.