Fin vs History - Custard’s Last Stand | The Battle of Little Big Horn (Part 3/4)

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠  Watch the Boys Gone Wild Show here: https://youtube.com/@horatiogouldcomedian Where’s Me Bloody Knife?     The Battle Of Little Big Horn (Part 3)    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor   Chapters: 00:00 - AI vs Charlie 08:26 - Colonel Mustard 15:32 - Waste Of Skin  24:00 - He Loves A Charge 30:16 - Cumshot? 32:51 - So Horny And Hot 40:55 - Fin’s Dreadlocks 46:56 - Little Big Horny Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Sorry to interrupt your slot, pigs. I've got some exciting news. I'm making a sketch show, which is out now, with my other comedy wife, Andrew. It's called The Boys and Wild Show. I'm really proud of it. Please watch it. And yeah, if it goes well, they might make it into a TV show.

They might give us a chance to do more. So please, comment underneath going, oh, I want the bloody fucking hell. That's amazing. Oh, that's the fun. My head's blown off. I've never seen anything so funny. Oh, my God.

This needs to be. Oh, my whole family died in the car crash. then I saw this and I was like, that's bloody amazing. That's made me feel better. I'm glad they're dead. Anything like that will help. Thank you so much. Sorry for interrupting.

That's all I had to say. Let's get back to it. Welcome back to Film versus History. Beside me to Horatio Gould. He's done it. He's finally done it. He's been worn down and he's gone for a big Native American. Hello.

This is part three. A jolly one. Ho! Ho! Ho! What do you reckon it? Oh. Gay, Native American.

Ho! Oh! Yeah. What's true, actually, were they not particularly camp people? Yeah, but I think once you realize you can be camp culturally, it spreads like wildfire.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Drag, drag queens, reading to kids. I think people, when you're organized society, you don't have fellows acting really camp, and then you see one guy in denim cutoffs, and you're like, well, we can do that. Hi!

I want to dress like a baby too. Hi. But what I suppose what we were? a gay Native Americans would be called like sitting on cock sitting balls sitting balls

crazy horse cock we're talking about the battle of the little big horn this is our series on the American Indian Wars just because our listeners are very thick

India is not involved No we are talking There's not a huge server of horny Indians no this is not commenting under an AI image of a 21 year old

Big Bobs Little Big Horny That's what the battle we're fighting currently is the battle The Little Big Horny Indians It's more of a virtual war Digital War Anyway this is part three

Where we're going to talk about the actual battle Battle itself So we've introduced Custer And his It's sort of rivals Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse Now Custer is on the lookout With his seventh cavalry

Yeah For these engines Engines Engines That's nice That's real Old World Kenya stuff.

Kenya, engines. I think it's better. It's nice. I think it's better than called Sinjin. It's like a design. My old headmaster

in my school was called Sinjin Parker. Sinjin. Sinjin Parker. Tasteful. So in March 1876, General Sheridan had forced the Lakota and the Cheyenne

onto a great Sioux reservation. Was Sheridan a big player in the Civil War? Yes. He's also... He's a scorched earth guy. I think they're all quite a scorched earth. Yeah, but he invented scorched earth.

Oh really? I believe. Charlie, can you just Google? Did General Sheridan invent scorched? But I'm really in the weed when it comes to American history. Partly because I'm quite stubborn because I think Americans expect you to know their history and I kind of refuse to learn it out of spite. Yeah, yeah.

Like even, I was speaking to American comments and they thought we'd know about the Boston Tea Party. It's like, you're one of the 200 countries that's claimed independence from us. Yeah. Why, what makes you? So special. Yeah. He did not invent it, but he's famous for brutally implementing it during the American Civil War. that's pretty good

fair enough now the reservation as we'd said that's basically center parks we're forcing the American Indians onto center parks and they don't want to go because they feel trapped

because they're nomadic people yeah they are gypsies they're Indian gypsies and fuck you I'll fudge your mother yeah big Indian

yeah big Indian Tyson and John Fury so they are Now, the Little Big Horn is in Montana, is it? Yeah. It's in Montana. Modern-day Montana.

Beautiful. The Little Big Horn is a river. Yeah. This is sort of the, the... Don't you sometimes feel like the American landscapes wasted on the Americans a little bit? Oh, so much of the country is wasted on them. I mean, it's some of the most beautiful places in the world. They deserve Florida is...

They've earned Florida, I think we can say. But yeah, like... But this is some of those amazing landscapes in the entire world. I know. And it's just... You're at? Hi. Hi.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And imagine it just roaming with... Joe Rogan hunting elk. Roaming with bison. Yeah. Hordes of bison. And now there's like 1% of the population in like 100 years left.

Yeah. The Americans are on the hunt for the sue. Now, crazy horse and sitting bull and their mates sits on cock and big horny gay guy. They're all in a big village. And little horny gay guy, of course. and rattling grumpy woman and fit woman

never shuts a fucking map old trap bitch and how old the paedophile they're all they're all in a big village the biggest gathering of Indians supposedly ever

because they're scattering around normally but they're like sort of portable glastonbury right yes it's like glass tory if you were just constantly moving yeah gypsy glastonbury gypsy brie So they're at this big festival

Now to recap Sitting Bull had done the Sundance Festival He had not made an independent film He had been he'd gauded himself He puts of his flesh out It's all it's like Morris dancing But with kind of if it was done by that German guy

Who's like to eat some people BDSM Morris dancing is what they're doing He had a vision that he would win a great victory against US soldiers Custer and the 7th Cavary Have discovered gold in the black hills The Hills of Color

and they're forcing the Native Americans onto reservations. Custer thinks he knows how to beat the Indians because of the Washita Massacre, which we talked about in the first episode. You want to get the women and children hostage, surround them, and then they'll give up, basically. That's the play. Sheridan is in charge of the campaign to find all the engines,

and in March, he sets out Colonel John Gibbon from Fort Ellis with 450 man. Then in May, General Terry, who is a bit of a he's sort of an old chews up he's not really a geyser yeah he's not Terry

it's John Terry it's John Terry he's not John Terry he's not parking disabled base and just taking the fine because he's that rich I mean that is that's aspiration isn't it I think that's new money class

there's like a level of like you know you're innovating in a way this should become old man I respect that actually like you're not classy you're new money you're a footballer but you're you know

it gives us me hope that you can learn class. Because that is the right idea is there. You've got the entitlement down to a tea. No, I'm going to park there. Fuck it. I'll just take it. It's an expensive parking spot. What's the fine? Do you know, roughly? Well, if you

pay it in, I'm never parked, I've never been fine of parking in disabled bay. I'm going off any other speeding. But if you pay it within 14 days, it's 80 pounds and I think if you don't it's 16, 200, something like that. So it's slightly closer to the supermarket.

And he'll pay 80 quid to save like five minutes. Yeah. I like that. So Terry and Custer have led about 900 men out of Fort Lincoln, Dakota. And then General Crook and 1,000 men have left Fort Fatiman in Wyoming. And so there are these three columns, very similar to the Zulu campaign under Chelmsford. Three columns looking for the natives. And it's about the same time, right?

When was Zulu? Rorke's Strait is 1879. You're right. We should place this. Yeah. and it is after 300 this is Sparta

lovely placing yeah a good what's that 2,000 years yeah when's Sparta 300 BC when's the Battle of Thermopy

Monopoly Battle of Monopoly It comes up right You got it You got it Fuck me Charlie you really have trained AI mode

480 BC You've asked You googled Battle of Monopoly And it's come up with The Battle of Thermopy 480 BC Wow Charlie I

I've said it before, you are single-handed me making AI thicker. It's the fight against AI. Yeah, you really are. You're holding a arm. You're holding a arm. You're holding a arm. So four 80 BC to 1879. If Charlie was, if the Terminator films were set in like the future where Charlie's in the present.

Yeah. The Terminator would come back like, like really thick. And there's a curve in the motorcycle. That's, that's, that's, Arnold Schwarzenegger, if he's learned from Charlie. Cardi. So, 17th of June 1876, the Battle of the Rosebud. Ladies, we're getting into some 19th century military history. Pack a spare pair of pants.

Talcum powder. If you've left the house, go back in and get some spare panties. Okay? We're going to be talking. Deep moisturiser. Deep moisturise your loins. They will get chaps. Okay.

This is military history. This is shed history. Yeah. Okay. To be enjoyed alone. So the Battle of the Rosebud. Now, the Rosebud River, what is it, Charlie? Isn't Rosebud a sleep, the sleeper agent thing

where you can wake up a spy? No, that's... Are you talking about the Manchurian candidate? I think you're getting confused with Citizen Kane and the Manchurian candidate. Citizen Kane, there's a... He keeps saying Rosebud, but it's like a... So there's nothing to do with this?

No, but it's around the time. It's the same word. No, it's not around the time. It's the same word. Okay. You've recognised a word. Thank you. Yeah, same word.

But again, I don't think we can... You have to not... But cheat code on Sims, if you want to get money, It was Rosebud and Sims 1, I think. Yeah, with then semicolon. So it's the long road to Sims. I suppose it's the long road to... Yeah, I guess so.

Did you ever play Sims? Yes, a lot. Because you have... God, do you have an older sister or a younger sister? Younger sister. Because I got an older sister, so a lot of that, I was getting a lot of chick shit. I was original.

Sims house party. Yeah. Yeah. Were you making them do Wahoo? Yeah, Wahoo. I was putting them in the pool, then deleting the stairs, and just watching them just prang out.

Yeah. Fast forward to the Grimery. becomes they're pissing and shit in everywhere. Yeah, it's brilliant. But what I'd do is you get like, like eight, you get eight 19 year olds, or eight teenagers. Right.

I don't think, okay. And one adult you make ugly as possible. Yeah. Because who gives a fuck. Because you have to have one adult there and then you kill him. And then it's just fucking, we're all just hanging out. Right.

I'm fucking 14 at the time. So don't give me that look. So you're making like Sims Epstein Island expansion part. Well, if the kids run the asylum, you know. Where's it? It's PGL. Parents get lost. I was your sister like,

Charlie. What? Yeah, we get on. She's great. She's nice. Nice. You met her a couple times. I haven't met her.

It's very nice. No. No, you're not allowed to meet her. No, you're not allowed to. No. You need to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask for you come anywhere near my family. US troops led by Crook are hit by a surprise attack from the Lakota and the Cheyenne led by Crazy Horse. They killed 28 men wounded about 50.

Because of this, Crook retreats and cannot meet Custer as they had planned at Little Big Horn. So they were meant to. all meet up these forces to encircle what they think is a big encampment of Indians. Well, they don't know how big it is. They don't know how big it is. So Custer is underprepared and he's ill-supported. Okay?

He's not got the forces. Terry and Custer are divided. It's Wayne Bridge and John Terry. It is, Wayne Bridge and John Terry over Custer's kind of called him Custard then. Colonel mustard. Colonel mustard. Colonel mustard. Colonel mustard in the Conservatory with the Tomahawk.

They're divided because because General Custard is obviously, he's a, you know, he's reckless. Yeah, he's reckless, of course. Terry. He's getting another dollop of custard every time. This episode of Finnverse History is brought to you by Surf Shark. Woo! Guys, look, you've heard it from us before.

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Custard liked to leave troops behind if he didn't think it was beneficial to save them. Always leave a man behind. Always. Fuck him off. Yeah, they slow you down. Always leave him behind. He brings his brothers with him. And then the custer's often leave.

He always, he travels with like 20 dogs. He's a big dog guy. Right. He travels deep. He travels, yeah, he travels heavy. He's like,

he's like a rich woman. Right. So many suitcases. Yeah, yeah. And they get smaller. They have a babushka doll of suitcases. But he's very vain as well. So he probably doesn't a lot.

He's designing his own uniform. He's got big long hair, which is not regulation. So he keeps going hunting. And that's the biggest, the thing you most hate most of them. Yes. Non-regulation haircuts. It's a fucking disgrace.

That's his biggest crime for mine. So they discover a dead American soldier at like a native camp that they've uncovered. And so what they do is they find a Native American burial ground and they desecrate it, which is the one thing you're not meant to do. That's the start of a film, right? Yeah. You don't discredit those because it's all getting cursed. Charlie, can you Google why you're not meant to desecrate a native, like you get cursed, don't you?

I think that's what Charlie probably desecrated a native. America Barrettish site. That's why he's like this. Yes, that would make sense. You know, because, because like Hindus, for example, are on Instagram commenting, send Bob's. Yes. It's ruined the mystique of their religion a bit.

Because there's so many of them around. I've got eight arms to feel all your tits with it. Exactly. But if they'd, if they'd been tragically wiped out, then we would, it'd be a lot more, like, romanticized, you know. Bob's moving in the air. Yeah, no, so you've Googled, why shouldn't you desecrate a Native American graveyard?

And because you've trained this AI, it's telling you as if you're at a Native American graveyard looking to shit on it. And it's going, okay, here are the reasons why you should not do that. Legal protections, historical injustice and trauma. I mean, what's spooky, like, what is going to curse you? Yeah, what is it? What's the curse stuff?

Like, could you, what if you, is there a way of confusing the kind of Native American ghost by like taking a shit on the graveyard, but like thanking them loads and like kind of, crying. I'm like, I thank you so much for this.

And then like, you're doing stepovers. You're sort of like, you're like, you're fucking ankle break it to the Native American. thanking them, you're dropping fibers, but you're also dropping fibers.

So you're pooing and leaving money. I think the Nes American ghost don't really see. And hitting yourself in the head. Like you're just like doing all sorts. But Native Americans don't, famously the money's not really like a five pound note with the queen. You're leaving like bowls of like fruit and like porridge. Fruit bowls.

Fruit baskets. Bacon. I think the fruit baskets that that does seem quite respectful. I think it seems even more. racist. What? Sorry, pooing on another cultural's graveyard, believing them of a fruit basket,

as if that's going to offset the fact you're shitting on them. No, but you're thanking them as well. For taking your shit. But it's like you're paying for the right to shit. It's like you're going to a brothel. It's John Terry parking in a disabled bay and just taking the fine is what it is.

I'm desperate to do this, I'll take whatever. Whatever, it's just an expensive park. Yeah, I need a poo. So this is just an expensive poo, I guess. I just get a fruit basket in. Fuck it. But it wasn't general, Terry. It's General Custer, right? Terry's not doing this.

No. No, this is Custer. Anyway, but Custer's men desecrate a native burial ground. Which, look, when we're looking for what happens, I don't know if it's pooing. Or what? I don't know. Just going, yeah. Yeah.

Wanking. Oh, yeah, Mergin. I'm buried and dead. I'm stupid. I don't know how you desecrate it if you don't poo. I guess it's a question. Custer's brothers. Spitting and coming.

Spitting and coming. Custer's brothers. And we haven't really talked about his brothers. They're around for the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're putting their dicks in things. They're shagging about. Like, we haven't really, the story doesn't really tell much about them.

No. But they do just seem to like impregnate women along the way. Yeah. Well, the boys. They're the boys. It's boys trip. Yeah. Yeah.

And also, we should be said that the rest of history did this story in 11 episodes and we're doing it in four because we are more concise than them somehow. We cut the fat out. Yeah. They're just warbling and they're getting distracted and they're talking about things that aren't relevant. Yeah, exactly. Anyway.

So we're talking about John Terry and General Custard. Now Custard is particularly disliked by two of his other, what are you called? Commanders. Major Marcus Reno and Captain Frederick Benton. Now we met Bensin, he was a sourpuss, right? We met Benetine, he was a sowpuss who he'd been with him at Wachita. And Reno is this, he really comes off badly.

He's an absolute waste of skin, this guy. Okay, why? Because he completely panics when the actual get to the fighting. So 22nd of June, Terry detaches from Custard and the 7th Cavalry create a flank against the Americans. So Custer is meant to approach the natives from the east and the south. Terry and Gibbon take the north to block anyone from fleeing the attacks. And the troops are split up along the tongue of the Little Bighorn River. Right.

Okay. Ladies, moisturize your loins. So the idea is to enclose the tribes so they can't escape. This is what they did at Wachita. It's work before. The 24th of June. The Crow Scouts. Now that's a tribe, that's not birds. They're working for Custer

and they spot signs of a tribal encampment by the little big one. So the Crow working similar to the Meshika or is it the other way, right? The Tesh, no, the Tasholotles. I don't know what they're called. Yeah, that lot. The Aztecans.

Tashcarlands. Tash carlands, yeah. Divide and conquer. Did you, I found out, did you know that Kashkai, the word Kashkai is an Iranian ethnicity. Is it? Yeah.

Cash Kai. As in the car I drive. Really? Yeah. And how do you feel now? Do you drive it into a fucking canal in protest? Yeah. Yeah, I feel weird about it.

Where's the... Is it not a Japanese? I thought that. Is it an Iranian car company? No, no, Nissan is Japanese. But the word Kashkai, the model of the car, is named after an Iranian tribe. Oh, right. The Kashkai.

The Kashkai. Can we see what the Kashkai's look like? You know the car. I know the Kashkai tribe. You know what we were just talking about. Yeah. Well, they don't look like the car, that's for sure. Yeah, no, they don't.

Right, interesting. What are you saying? Little Indian fellas. I said, here you go, fellas. Oh, right. Little Indian fellas. I don't like little Indian fellas. Right, interesting.

Why have they called the car after that then? That's what we were literally just talking about. The last nomads of Iran. I guess because they're nomadic people. The cash cart, you're a nomad. You're like an Iranian nomad. You're sort of just traveling from place to place drifting in an hour. I tell you what, if there's anything like my cash-kai, those people are the dirtiest people in the world.

I mean, I've been in your cash-cai. Yeah, my cash-goes, this is great. I've been bundled him with three other people into your cash-car. It's pretty bad. It's really bad. These people will have mould in their feet. Someone's just got a whole pack of biscuits and just got my back. My son has done that.

My son has got a pack of biscuits and just slingshots it and repeatedly hit it against the back seat. And then just emptied. And then just cream cheese sandwiches and you just slap them on the side. It is an experiment. It's a social experiment, my car. It's a biological warfare. So these tribe must be the stinkiest people on the planet, if they're anything like my cash guy.

I saw a very funny reel. Uh-oh. Very funny. Of an F-15. Have you seen this? Of an F-15 being chased by a guy in a magic carpet with an AKA. It's great stuff. Iranian Air Force.

Anyway, oh, good. I love my Instagram. I really love it. Was that a solo Laugh Out Loud moment? Yeah, on the train last night. On the train last night. Did a charity gig and then I had some me time

on the train home, watching racist reels. All right. Just offsetting my carbon footprint. But you're being racist on stage and then watching your racist reels. You know. Yeah. But I was being racist on stage

and not being paid for it. Yeah. Right. The Crow Scouts find a tribal encampment by Little Big Horn. Now, this is important because Custer's troops have been marching for fucking ages.

Right. They march all through the night. They march all through the night. And they want to have a, the plan was they'd sleep all day. And they'd party on night. Party or night. They'd sleep all day.

And then on them, on it would be the 26th of June, as just as dawn. They do a dawn raid. How do we know that? What? How do we know it was the 26th of June? How's anyone doing the time or date at that point?

Well, it's only 1876. It's not that long ago. I don't know what day of the week it is. It's not that long ago. Yeah. But you can't believe if someone knows the date. It's not that long ago. go at all. When is it then? Right, Charlie,

1876. This is going to blow your head. At Christmas, I went to see my nan, my old Scottish nan, raggedy bag woman or whatever the Native Americans would call her, raggedy woman who won't die. Right? She's 97. And so I was in that room with my kids, me, my uncle and her, four generations in one room. And I was the second youngest. If I'd been the youngest,

I would have been in the room with someone who had four at the Somme. in World War I, right? That's how close this history is. If you'd have been the youngest. So my kids were the youngest in that room. I do think you've been your kid. Some leaps they're trying to explain that.

That wasn't going to land. If you'd have been the youngest, you'd have been your kid. Yeah, I think you went around the wrong way with Charlie. That would fit. I was just thinking it's Charlie. Do you not find that amazing though?

Yeah. That's pretty amazing. What do you mean? Is in I was the... There's four generations in one room. Okay. Yeah. And I'm the second youngest generation.

If I've been the youngest generation, as in there'd been a generation above that if you'd move the generations down Basically, his granny's mum fought in the song No, no no no My granny's father-in-law fought in the song My granny's mum did not fight in the song

If you'd have She was a lesbian My granny's mum was too busy doing blackface in blackpool Where did she get the mud from? Not the song That I mean of all black faces are to do Using it with hallowed turf Surely

Yeah but I mean it's also the perfect crime what so you go hang on i'm quite offended by that this is actually the mud from the song oh so it's a sign of respect is a sign of respect is it during the song during the song during the song no i guess so you can really hide in there but then there's a lot of other stuff going on yeah but then there's a lot of other stuff going on yeah but if you come back and you're trying to get away with blackface by saying it's actually like a more a more poignant poppy I blacked up with the mud of the song poopie yeah it's kind of poopie do you understand what I'm saying though I don't care that it doesn't matter it doesn't matter but you You've stopped this, you've stopped the podcast. It doesn't matter, man. Basically, it's not that long ago. If there'd been one old... An older generation would have been around at the same time as Raging Bull and stuff. Not Raging Bull.

That's a film in the 80s with Robert De Niro. Yeah, your parents were around for Raging Bull. Sitting Bull. Sitting Bull. Would have been around when your granny's granny was around. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Right.

But I know that already. Some of these people that we're talking about live till the end of the Second World War. Right. Yeah. This is important. We're into military history. Okay. Women have left the house

and they haven't packed spare pants. Okay? This is dangerous for our listeners. He wants to rest his troops. They're going to march through the night. They're going to have a big sleep in the day. And then they're going to attack at dawn on the morning the 26th of June. Right.

However, when the scouts say that the native warriors have left, Custer is worried that he's not going to get his big victory. That's all it's about. Because he wants a big ego. And bear in mind this is the 26th of June 1876. It is but 10 days before the big centenary of the American nation. And so he wants to just get it over the line so that he can come through as a massive hero.

He can be lauded at the big centenary and then he can launch a political career and he can get on the after-dinner circuit. That's what he wants to do. Right. It's like Boris Johnson in that regard. It's all stepping stones for the after-dinner circuit. Sure.

What he does is he goes, fuck it. I know we've just marched through the night like, I don't know how many miles, a lot, a lot. a tough mudder with no mud, right? And he goes, fuck it, we're just going to do it live. So they're knackered. And on the morning of the 25th, he goes, let's just attack. So the scouts are like, no, no, no, no.

I don't know how they sound. One of the Crow Scouts is called half yellow face, which is, listen. Excuse me. Come on. I don't know why even for the time. I don't know why you've named yourself that. You know, the Native Americans, we shouldn't romanticize them. No.

They were, you know, they were not. As problematic as everyone else. They were. They were not politically correct people. To the fact, we didn't see what this guy looked like. Yes, we didn't. He could literally have. I think we'd say mixed race now.

He could have a lemon-colored bottom half of his face. Yes. And then it would be like, well, maybe that's fine. So half-yellow face, again, this is not, I'm not, this is not my terminology. Half-yellow face tells General Custard. That is my terminology. You and I are going home today by a road we do not know. Can you start speaking in riddles, mate?

Custer's like, oh, what, do you mean the M-6? Yeah. I don't know that, right. Why do they all speak like Yoda? Do you know what I mean? Well, they're Native Americans. Right, fair enough. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're sort of based on Native

Americans. Yeah, totally, totally. Meanwhile, at the encampment, a big village, 7,000 Indians. Yeah. The Sioux boys take a suicide pact because this is, you know, teenagers are always doing this. Doesn't matter what point in history. Yeah, they listen to my chemical romance. They're fueled by a, they are US defeat.

And during a ceremony, they dance and they pledge to fight until, the death. It's called a dying dance. And you've got people like called spotted elk and crooked nose who said everyone gathered to sing as the boys dance. Four of the boys were called Little Whirlwing, cut belly, closed hand and noisy walking. Noisy walking is. Does he fart as he walks? We can't know. They all get killed at the battle the next day. So I guess if you're doing a dying dance, I suppose that's brilliant. Well, that's like a rain dance, isn't it? They didn't know Custer was going to attack, but they were suspicious. after Rosebud.

What was the Rosebud thing again? That was, oh, I don't know because Charlie started talking about from fucking Sims. After Rosebud. Rosebud was the first,

that was the first, that was an ambush. Right, right, right, right. Right. So, let's get to the, let's get to Custer's plan. So Custer is on a hill and he can't see

how big the village is, crucially. Or does he see how big the villages when he gets up on the hill, I thought. Well, he, where he is. I think he then sees, it's way bigger than I thought it was

when he's off the hill. Yeah, but as in the, before he gets onto the hill maybe. He doesn't know there's about 8,000 people with about 2,000 warriors, right? And he has got maybe 600 men, but he divides that further. He's got 600 men.

And he thinks, again, like he did it, Washita, if you occupy the village, hold the elderly women, children hostage, everyone will surrender. So, what does he do? Instead of going to bed... That wouldn't work on you, would it? I'd be like, well, brilliant.

Brilliant. I'm off then. See ya. Win, win. Keep them. Keep him. Be fine. Absolutely fine. you freed me from my own prison.

Suddenly I'm the hostage that's freed now. So he should be waiting for backup from Crook or Gibbon or Terry or wherever the fuck they're up there called. But he doesn't. So Custer splits his force into four segments. Right. A pack train of supplies and ammunition. Three companies led by Reno, who's the absolute disgrace wet bag. They're going to attack from the south.

That's about 140 men. Wet back. He's a wet bag. Yeah. Captain Bentin goes southwest to find natives with 125 men. And then five companies led by Custer, which is 210 men are going to charge from the north. Right. Right.

He loves to charge, Custard. He loves a charge. And this is his big mistake. He splits the forces. Right. He's already outnumbered, but he's split them even further. Because he's a lot of hubris, right? Because he's worked before.

Yeah. But he's also thinking there's no way we're not going to win. Yeah. They haven't slept. A mature man would have gone to bed. you know it was Charlie yesterday

yeah go to bed you know you should you know there's a confidence to a man who hasn't slept sleep's always

the main thing and you know you shouldn't exchange stuff for sleep that's what they all say all those boring

cunts on Instagram so on 25th of June this is the battle 25th of June 1876 Reno's company attacks first

they take the settlement by surprise they charge and then they start supplies they're not supplies Reno is

not half yellow face he's full white face. So the warriors quickly mobilize all the Indians and they launch a counterattack and then Reno, rather than charging into the village to keep shooting

he orders everyone to dismount and sets up a like a firing line. Okay, because he's a because his bomb's gone. Because his bomb has collapsed. Yeah, he's never chained chamber in the field. He is pissed and he doesn't really know what he's doing. And so this causes the offensive to falter because they're suddenly

their stationary and allow all the momentum to the Native Americans to charge them. I also think the reinforcements that are coming are having like a holiday. They're fishing and they're going on hikes and stuff because they're slowly meant to be coming up. But they haven't met up with the forces because Custer's so far ahead.

They're literally just having like... Well, Americans don't go for walks, do they? They go on a hike. Yeah, so they're all just... They drive to a desert and then walk around a bit. They're always going camping. Dogs. So all momentum is immediately lost.

And people say that if he had kept charging into the village, It would have caused such panic that maybe, you know, the outcome would have been different. Probably. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, who knows?

We're not, you know, we're not military men. So Sitting Bull is trying to sue for peace and sends a messenger to meet Reno, but then they get shot, shot and wounded. And his favorite horse gets killed. So he goes, right. Well, you, fuck. Right. That's not all right, actually. And then Reno had an Indian scout called Bloody Knife.

and he gets shot Where's my bloody knife? What? Where's my bloody knife? Yeah, he gets shot in the head and his head explodes. All over, all over Reno's face

and then Reno panics. Come shot. Staring at the computer office doing work. Come shot. So is that what Reno said, is it? So his scout, his head explodes all over Reno's face and then Reno goes,

where's my bloody knife? gone. Cumb shot. Cumb shot? Cumshot. Cumshot pops up. Yes, sir? Oh, yeah.

Sorry, cum shot to another scout. Yeah. Where's been blood in I've got? Cumb shot. Come here. So he's northern, Marcus Reno. Yeah. Right.

So he then completely like panics and he tells his men to like get back on the horses. Then he says get back off. Then he says get back on again. Right. He's drinking from his hip floges. last. Right. And get back on the horse.

Yeah, get back on the horse. Back on the wagon, off the wagon. Yeah. Anyway, he's completely lost it. His bummer's completely fallen out.

He's covered in his scouts' brains. Come shots nowhere to be seen. And then... He's struggling with his men's mental health. His men's mental health has collapsed. And at this point, what he needs to do is he needs to take himself off to a quiet corner, listen to a Stephen Bartlett podcast and compose himself.

He needs to take himself off and record a Stephen Bartlett podcast. He needs to guest on Stephen Bartlett podcast. Yeah, and work through it live. then come back. Yeah, exactly. A two-hour conversation

with Stephen Bartlett, just to unpack what's just happened. Anyway, he doesn't do that. Instead, he orders a retreat, abandoning wounded soldiers on the battlefield,

and suddenly all the impetus goes to the Indians, who then see this like a buffalo hunt, and they just carry on. So they shoot US soldiers at point-blank range. They pull them off horses. They clubbed them to death.

Meanwhile, Crazy horse. Crazy horse is like, this is all going on, and he's like, he's doing some kind of ritual and everyone's like mate it started and he's like

um baum ba or whatever I'd be doing that to avoid the fighting because they'd look like I'm doing like important stuff yeah but you're on the American side you're in cavalry going to go I'm like I want people to be like

I'll have like one of my like you know lesser than saying like let him cook trust me he's working on something how do you spot Native American spy It's a man going to get mbamma and if we won I'd be like well See what happened I didn't get him off the door I don't know he'd am yeah I'm there I'm there I'm there That's a very good way of getting out of the fight actually

Just sound they're going It's embarrassing if you get a shot though I guess Yeah So crazy crazy rules are just going um bam baum whatever Yeah um meanwhile So then eventually he weaves like long stems of grass into his hair Lads I mean he's doing it's making daisy chains

Come on come on come on get to the bit Anyway, we need to talk about a story of the only black guy who fought for the Americans called Isaiah Denton, I want to say. Anyway, he gets knocked off his horse and breaks his leg and then Indians come over to him and they stab him a lot and then they fucking carve a square of his skin off and dry it out in the sun and make like a leather, just like a bit of leather. And then they'll carry it around.

Is he's like, like, Isaiah Dorman. his name. Does he survive? No, he's fucked. He's fucked. He's completely fucked. Head caved in. This is where the guy gets scalped, but he's still alive. He's going, ah! And then the young kid, the young kid who's doing

it gets so annoyed that he shoots him. Really? He shoots his face off. Because he's so loud. The guy's like, he cringes him shut. He's like, do you mind? I'm trying to scalp you. Yeah. Ugh. So he shoots him. And then he can carry on scalping him. I'd hate

to be scalped. It's really, it's gnarly stuff and it's not that long ago. Yeah. I mean, I feel very lucky that we're not alive then. Yeah. After retreating across the river, drunk Reno, who's covered it in cum shot... In bloody knives.

Bloody knives cum shot. Right? He meets up with Benton and the pair discuss what to do next and they get this infamous note from Custer who's on the other side of the river or somewhere. I never really understand the topography. So... There's a river that goes like this

little big hontier and there's other people there so it's just brilliant you tell you smashed it there's a river there if you're listening just out of there just fucking imagine a big river imagine the Thames and what Custer's at Blackfriars and the village is in

South Bank South Bank and then Reno's I don't know fucking Charing Cross yeah that's it pretty weird who cares anyway he gets a note from Custer it says Ben Tene come on big village

be quick bring packs. P.S. Bring packs. That's like that ape when he's learning just, you know, me, eat oranges, oranges, eat now. Yeah, yeah. You know, Nim Chimpsky. So what he needs is he needs ammunition because he's like, there's loads of them, it's like a crap shoot. We're going to have a great turkey shoot or whatever. So the pair, ignore the order though, or rather the

order's unclear. Is it saying come on, big village? Or is it saying bring ammunition? Come on the big village. Don't come on the village. Guys, let's wank on the village. Come shots dead. We've got to Justin the village. they what they do is they ignore the first part of the order and they maintain their positions on the hill and they're waiting for the ammunition to arrive which is like on the mules and donkeys and it's way far away so the communications i guess they don't have any sort of radio or anything no but they have an italian man who doesn't speak english that's good that'll do yeah that's great

they're like what is custom one he's like i'm so sorry i'm so fucking hot man he's so horny he's so horny he's so horny and hot please i'm so horny who am a mental kiss with no mama around they need to kiss someone on mouth. So anyway, they hear... But not Gina DeCampo, basically. Gina de Campo is causing havoc in between the lines. He is not a good adjutant.

No. They can hear heavy gunfire coming from Custas position in the north. Now, no one knows what happens over there. Right, but this is... We're telling the story from Reno's side. Yeah. So at around 5pm, Captain Weir

moves out from a defensive position to contact Custer. Right. So he, then that's where he sees, 18,000 lodges. That's when he sees how big the fucking village is. So through a spy glass

which is like an old telescope he sees warriors killing wounded soldiers and shooting dead bodies where Custer should have been. So then Benton and Reno begin to fall back and it's like from what I gather

they're kind of trying to scramble up this sort of eight foot bank away from the river for the last stand and the river's just filling up with bodies the Native Americans are just galloping in and, and allah, and, you know, they're firing their guns in the air.

And so they set up a skirmish line to keep off the warriors until nightfall. And then once night fell, the troops are able to retreat even further to wait for reinforcement. So Bentine and Reno, they get out just about, but they fall back. But they've. So they hold, they managed to hold off. Just about. But they've been massacres. troops.

So we get to what happened on Custer's infamous last stand and the truth is no one knows because literally everyone that was with him was killed. Right.

Now obviously there are Native American witnesses but they're compromised but the fact Big Sky. Big Sky was there. Lots of grass.

Big Sky Night. Big Sky Night was there sitting on cock was there. I was going to have with them telling the story about it. How old is your daughter? Yeah.

Yeah. You know. So Red Horse, who was there, he says that Custer made five different stands. Um, about 10 minutes each. And the survivors of each clash came back to Custer and causing command to sort of collapse in on itself. Right. And so it ended with Custer being killed and all his men when they were caught running from the hill towards the river.

So this says that in his telling, Custer's running away. Right. And he's being like shot in the back and stuff. From the river to the hill. From the river to the hill, from the barracks of the bin. So the fighting was so chaotic that no one really, no one really was shooting their weapons properly. And it was all hand-to-hand combat.

So they couldn't like load and aim their weapons. There were the suicide boys, wolf tooth. He said that they dramatically altered the fight. Well, he would, would he? And they began the hand-to-hand combat. And if they hadn't started the close proximity fighting, the American soldiers would have stayed in an organized formation and kept reloading.

It's like in Zulu where they're like doing volley fire. Yeah. You know, which really fucking fires me up. Yeah. It's thought that the Custer's companies had put up a long fight. But the truth is, we don't really know.

Yeah. It could have been, they were completely squashed. Yeah. And some days of Americans are like, oh yeah, we just took 10 minutes and they're all fucking dead. But that's not what the Americans want.

Yeah. They've mythologized this to fuck. Yeah. And yeah. In the way that we have a Rorke's Drift, except we actually won Rorke's Drifts. Importantly. Importantly.

So around 40 men are cornered on Custer's Hill, what's now called Custer's Hill, surrounded by hundreds of warriors. Some try to escape. They're killed or they're pulled from their horses. And once the warriors make it to the top of the hill, they kill the last of Custer's men. And with no backup from Renaud or Benton,

the Battle of Little Big Horn ends. It's probably more General Gordon than Rolls-Drift a little bit. Yeah, it is General Gordon. Yeah. Except, yeah, I suppose in the way that Gordon... The last stand. Yeah. Gordon could have been saved by Walsley if he'd got there quick enough.

Yeah. But, uh, washam. Yeah. And they both have iconic paintings of their last stands. Yes. And Reno and Benton just sort of were pinned and didn't fucking go and help him. So we need to... Now, they don't mutilate Custer.

I thought they're scared. doubt him. I don't think they do. I think they don't identify who he is. They fuck up his brother. Right. I think maybe they think his brother is dead, is mutilated. And this thought that maybe it wasn't mutilated because he'd had that relationship with Mona Sitar. Right. The woman he'd met. He's got an American sidepiece. So how does Custer die? He has died. He has one gunshot wound in the chest and one to the temple. Some accounts indicate Native American war was stripped and mutilated

many of the bodies except Custer possibly because he was not recognized or because he'd just cut his long hair. So actually he'd cut his hair. So this is actually very sad. Samson. Yes exactly. Well he was starting to go bald. Yeah if you get photos of him up he it was a pretty

awful haircut. Yeah by the end but I think he had long luscious gold hair and it was starting to retreat much like Reno. Yes. Up his head. And I think that you can just see that the power was probably in the hair.

But now that's, I mean, that's what people look like nowadays. The mullet and the tash has come back now. Yeah. The balding mullet is now in fashion once again. And that is,

yeah, that's hackney all over right there. Yeah. It's funny that. It's always cyclical, isn't it? Yeah. History, haircuts.

Do you think maybe dreadlocks were coming back in for white people? I'm sure they will. I know. Would you ever get dreadlocks? No. I mean, you should.

Hey? I think it'd be awesome if you didn't change anything about your personality yeah but just commit to dreadlocks yeah but you say this about you want me to be trans

with dreadlocks don't you but the same you want you to be exactly the same but trans and with dreadlocks I want you to say all the stuff you're saying oh bloody hell put yourself together

yeah but I've got dreadlocks I'm single-handedly making dreadlocks a conservative haircut we got to stop the boats come on these hippies these hippies and their squats I've ruining our town centres and I've just got

full dreadlocks You're a restore Britain candidate for dreadlocks Yeah It'd be interesting It would be interesting Yeah

Undeniable But I think everything is coming You know I think mutton chops Will come back at some point I mean they had their moment In the early 2010s I thought Do you think

Yeah during the kind of Mumflin sun Smacking a Oh yeah That was all a bit mutton choppy Yeah was a bit mutton choppy Wastcoats and all that sort of stuff So that bullocks

Yeah He says with the bollops dreadlocks. White bollets. Reno and Benton are pinned in their defensive positions until the morning of the 26th of June and the Native Americans,

they move out of Little Big Horn before more American troops can arrive. John Terry arrives and finds Reno, Benton and the surviving soldiers and they go and survey the battlefield and they try to find Custer who they think is still alive.

And then Custer is found with a bullet hole in his chest and in his skull and his brothers and it's been theorised that the shot to the skull was assisted suicide so it was a mental health thing

yeah he went archa yeah again he needed Stephen Bartler it was social anxiety yes it was very very sad you never know what someone's going through

do you know on the outside yeah he's to be general it looks like everything's going so great he's doing what he loved he's chasing down a hall of Indians he has a great career and then but you know

it's tough at the top isn't it? Yeah. It's like when you found Rob Williams killed himself it's like fuck if he's killing himself Yeah

you know what I mean If you've been affected by any of the issues in this episode You know Native America's trying to scalp you Or mental health You know

whichever Then just deal with it Yeah deal with it We don't want to hear about I can grow up I'd still imagine That would be great That would be so great

If after a episode of hollyokes Whatever If you've been affected By any of the issues Like domestic violence Just fucking leaving Would you Just grow up

Just grow up Just punch back Who cares? Um, punchback, who cares? That's another of my charity. So, uh, it is believed that Custer is either killed early on or in a final stand, right? So we just, we just don't know. We can't know. We can't know, but, uh, well, we can listen to the Native Americans, but who fuck it? It knows what they're saying. No one knows what they're saying. There's no consistency. It's gobbledygook.

Well, gobbly gook. Sorry, gobbledygook is another scout who was, uh, Little Black Kettle, cum shot gobbly gook and bloody knife where's me bloody knife now Custer soldiers are found in various arrays of mutilation naked So a performance art Yes

yeah it's body horror Yeah arranged Let's deal with this now This is Red Horse This is his drawings Now which we've got up on screen And so he's like Grey Warrior not the best drawer

No No Now our research was quite excited When she found this Where brilliant Primary Source an evidence of what's happened. And you're zooming it.

And I don't think he can draw horses, which is the, I mean, it's sort of... What's the story that it's being told there? They're on retreat. Yeah, horses, some people have fallen off their horses. And loads of horses dead. I mean, this is stuff like, to be honest, if I'm being really honest

about this quality of artwork, it's not even going on my fridge. And my fridge has got some absolute shit on it. Does it? Oh. So when you're creating the art in your fridge, this doesn't make the cut. No, so the bin in our kitchen is right by our fridge.

And maybe once a week, my son and my daughter will come back and they're like, oh, daddy, look. And it's some drawing they've done at nursery. Right. And I'd say maybe nine out of ten times. Oh, great. They turn around bin. Bin, they don't realize.

No, there really is. But then what's the occasion are you like? Oh, that is quite good. That's pretty fucking good. Yeah. That does it like a house. Yeah. Or they've tried to draw like mommy or dad and they've, you know, and it's colorful.

And it's clearly. If they see, yeah, they give you a drawing of your, yourself and you say, chop that in the fucking bin. Yeah, I wonder what psychological damage I'm doing. Do better. Don't ever depict me. I'm like the Prophet Mohammed. I'll dare you.

Yeah, yeah. Well, if they depict the Prophet Muhammad, that probably. Oh, that's on the fridge. Sorry. My fridge is entirely photos of the Prophet Muhammad pictures that they've drawn, okay? But they don't know. They don't know. They're ignorant.

Anyway, if you're listening, we're currently looking at pictures of the Prophet of Mohammed's. No, we're not. We're not. We're not. We're not. We're not. We're shut out. We're looking at drawings that red horse made from the battle,

Little Big Horn, there's, I mean, there's dead, those dead bodies. Yeah. And they've all got the same. They're all got a beard. And he's drawn like red lines. They look like little mermaids. They do look like mermaids. Yeah.

He's drawn their blue trousers, but they haven't got any arms. Now, is that because they've cut their arms off. Yeah, it is. Okay. And they, oh, and the red is the scalps. Oh, you know what I'm getting, I'm getting more into this, actually. I'm getting more into this. I'm famously find art quite difficult to appreciate.

But I'm actually... You've got quite a literal interpretation of the world. I'm a very literal man. You know, I mean what I say, famously. But this is, yeah, I'm getting... So he's got three colours. He's got black, blue, and red. Right.

And I'm getting a sense, yeah, I guess the red is all the scalps that have come off. The heads, the sort of arms going away. It's more, yeah. I don't know if there's not much of like artistic... wider meaning it's trying to yeah lots of people got fucking shot in the head so it's uh so that's a primary source for the battle which as we say is essentially a toddler's glued some pasta shapes to a bit of cardboard but i guess the fact that he's chopping people's heads off him drawing the head people's

heads being chopped off that that kind of adds an element to it as well yeah i suppose so and just to reiterate that's because they believe that if you were mutilated the body you were killed in was the body you would spend eternity with. So you kind of, is it sort of like heaven would be filled with lots of Stephen Hawkins without the chair?

Yeah. Because they've been so fucked up. But also, it would also mean that fucking, what's his name? Bill Caridine would be in eternity like,

oh! Well, the eternal come? Yeah, yeah, he would be. That guy who comes every 10 seconds. Yeah,

that's a carid in the afterlife has got a belt around his neck and an orange in his mouth. It's like, and that's the body you die in is the way you spend. eternity. Did they have kids?

Because what happens when they die? And they'd go meet him. Dad! Oh, God! Yeah, they're just like, oh, you know, I just want to be reunited with my husband and my dad. Finally, I'm not alone. I'm going up to meet him. Christ.

I just, I do think that, I just think you can't. It can't be worth it. No. It might be. Well, who know, I guess, yeah, you're right. You know, he's a frontiersman. The front, yes, he is. He's on a frontier of something.

Yeah, frontier of his own neck. So I think we should probably leave this episode here. The battle of Little Big Horn has been a massacre. Yeah, Little Big Hornie. It is... That's like a new rapper. Little Big Hornie. So Custer is dead.

The Native Americans have won an astonishing battle. However, it's a bit like when Wigan won the FA Cup. Where are they now? League 1. in our next episode and final episode of this series we will deal with the aftermath the Americans have got a bloody nose what do they do when they get a bloody nose

where's been bloody nose they go hard all right the next episode is the long road to it's not a feel good at Afghanistan no it's not again it's like you're playing cowboys and Indians on the floor and it turns it turns out as Germans and Jews

yeah it is Germans and Jews anyway Hitler does come into the story look at that somehow somehow how has he got it in from there Roberto Carlos around the wall how has he done that if you'd like to hear that episode now it's already on our Patreon

where for three pounds a month and it is three pounds a month you have to go to the website on a computer then you sign up then you download the Apple store and you log in sign up on the website

not the app anyway next episode's there and we're also doing the history of Mormonism that's great fun that is great fun really really really stupid stuff Really.

I mean, what on earth. They're fucking thick and shit. Real thick-o shit. Real thick-o. They're so thick that it's true, it turns out. Apparently. Apparently. Anyway, sign up to the Patreon.

And if not, we'll see you on Thursday for the conclusion of our epic American Indian series. Bye. Goodbye.