Fin vs History - Dark Chocolate is Woke Nonsense | The Aztecs (Part 4/5)

Episode Date: June 19, 2025

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Welcome back to Finn v. History. I'm here with the ratio goals. Hello. It's part four of our epic Aztec series. Where are we? Where are we? Monti's been captured by Cortes. In a kind of weird way.

He's under house arrest. Sort of. Sort of. He's under house arrest, but he's also sort of still the emperor. People are kind of a bit disgruntled. Yeah. There's like, in the Spanish accounts, there's just like 200 Spanish people keeping the emperor captive in a city with

thousands of people. Montezuma. seems like a strange, even if he is not as subservant as he's painted to be. He's still like, yeah, no, I'm fine. It's your, it's your girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend. You know, just an odd bloke. Yeah, I don't want to hang out with him. Yeah, I wouldn't choose him to be my mate.

Actually, do you know what? Now I'm thinking not, I am thinking of my, yeah, that. He's like Montezuma. Yeah, I got. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's hard to explain, but it's just a bit odd. What? Just sat next to him at a wedding.

Oh. Wait, what do you do again? It's boring and strange. Yeah. It's strange, but it's not exciting. Yeah. Yeah. So,

Montezuma's now on the house arrest. I imagine it's like that bit from, you know, that meme of Pablo Escobar and Marcos. Very much so. Standing around, looking at the pool. Seemingly. He's in his own city. Yeah.

I mean, they sneak messages to him. So he's like, he's managing to communicate a little bit with his people, but still just not enough. don't know. But then we just really don't know how much of this is true or not. Apparently he played bull or an Aztec version of bull, which is

probably with sort of kids' heads or something. Is bull balls? Yes. What's bool? French. Is that of this out of right? Petonk. Plotonk. Tiggly winks. Tiddly winks. Tiddly winks. Tiddly winks. Tiddly winks are who he's feeding to the Down syndrome. Sorry, of course. He's fiddly winks, which is

a fat kid's dick that you've sacrificed which is food for the Down syndrome people that he keeps in a zoo. Do you think you'll become a Bolesman when you grow older? I'm already a Boles, Bouls man. I love a bit of Potonk. What's Plotonk's different, right?

Plotonk's when you chuck up and... What? What? Hello? Petonk is... It's French. Right. It's all French. But can you see yourself, yeah, retiring into a Boles Club?

Retiring into a Bowles Club? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we know I go on holiday to France, where there's normally a bull court. I like the public ones where you can just sort of just play random people. but then yeah the bowls clubs are kind of different

you I want a game let's do it me and you let's hash this out yeah so he plays Aztec balls the phrase

petonk murder can be interpreted in a couple of ways in one instance an escaped circus elephant accidentally killed a man playing

petonk in another a woman was killed in a brutal murder in a small French village in the setting of the crime

in the occasion were right were you googling to see if anyone never died playing batonk I was trying to find if anyone

had been born playing Patonk but actually there's only the murders by an elephant and a man. So the kills her death rate show Plotonkers... 2-0. Right, okay. So anyway, Astax,

Montezuma's playing Patonk sometimes. He's sort of monitoring on in captivity. There's a nice story of a Spanish soldier named Trudio who accidentally farts in Montezuma's presence. Montezuma tells them off but then gives them some gold. There's what I mean, it's mixed messages. It's a weird. It's a very weird guy.

Don't you fucking do that? Keep fucking fucking disgusting. Yeah, he's a man who's a man who's deeply ashamed of his own sexual woman else is going, don't fucking fuck him he's like a guy who's subscribed to like a pay pig

sort of. Pay pig, guess what he is. Yeah. Call me a fucking horrible little person. Don't sacrifice that fat boy. Keep fucking sacrifice that fat boy. So Jihio does it again,

hoping for more gold. And then Montezuma reports him going, you're fucking terrified. And takes him off guard duty. But then he's like, fucking keep, come down to my house later and fart my head. But you know,

Charlie was earlier, Stupid Charlie, was amazed by, kind of the first time in this podcast I've seen to be amazed by

history in a way that was talking about a man's fart from hundreds of years ago. It's amazing that the fart that reverberates through centuries.

The fart that was heard around the world. Charlie's just Googled the most famous fart in history. This is, I'll just say this is part four

of a series and so of course we're down to, we're down for scraping the barrel. Well, the notion of a quote, most famous fart

is subjective. and often involved historical anecdotes or comedic performances here are a few notable events King Aprize Revolt 569 BC A fart in the Egyptian court is said to a spark to revolts against King Aeprease

The Jerusalem Incident 44080s I mean that is If you have a fart that's called The Jerusalem incident Well a Jerusalem is incident That's the way that you talk about like Sorry that's said to have led to the death of 10,000 people

demonstrating the potential with a flatual interest to escalate into more serious events. Roland the Fartre, now that I'd like to be known... Yeah, no, no, Roland the Fartter, I've heard about Roland the Farter. This is, he got... This guy's amazing, Ronald the Fartter. 12th century British figure was given a manor and land in exchange for performing a jump, a whistle and a fart for King Henry II's Court at Christmas.

So he was literally, it was like aspirational, I guess, working class, found his way into the court. He was so good at jumping, farting and whistling. At the same time? He got into... Wow. And he got land out of it. So he became landed. Did he just...

Charlie, you just try and whistling a fart at the same time. Don't squeeze a fart out. Don't squeeze a farce out. Fucking hell. Leave that to Roland the farta. But he got, I wonder if... What would have happened if you just pooed yourself by mistake then? What would have happened?

What would have happened if our producer is just... Oh no. What would have happened? Would you have kept me on? I don't... I mean, you seem to be able to keep be kept on no matter what you do. Anyway, so there is rising tension between Montezuma and the Spanish.

Now, eventually Montezuma allows the Spanish and Cortez to build a shrine to Jesus on top of one of the temples. Again, it's just weird that he seems so kind of, like, pliant on Tussuma. Yeah, just kind of, maybe he's suffering from just depression. I guess it's like... Or does he genuinely think that he can't conceive of a way in which the Spanish are on top?

And he's like, in the same way that I imagine when he finds someone with a doubt, down syndrome he's like well you're going in the zoo yeah you can have a shrine to snacks on top of the pyramid or whatever you want lad what do you want some chris is that your special god yeah yeah go on yeah go on yeah or do you think just the rush of uh stimuli from being met by a whole new race of people world yeah it's just so oh i'd love to me imagine a new race there's a new race we didn't know about well so you'd be the first person to a racist accent yeah so you're like uh you're christopher columbus of racist

which he was yeah well he was yeah I mean Christopher Columbus is the Christopher Columbus of racism yeah I mean

he discovered so many things that's the thing is people only ever go out on about the new world yeah and not the new racism yeah yeah yeah yeah that would be amazing

if you could lead that I guess I guess we could hope for aliens yes that's kind of what you're like yeah

yeah yeah yeah I guess that's what I'm hoping for I just love I mean, it's in the same way we're talking about, you know, getting tired of listening to the same music. It's, you know, it's, you know, it's tiring the same races, you know. I want some new things to work with.

Yeah. A potter needs new clay. New stereotypes. New stereotypes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So anyway, the Aztec priests are outraged that Montezuma just lets the Spanish do this. Which is fair enough.

And so the priests warn Montezuma that the gods, or their fruity gods, they want, want the foreigners dead. So Montezuma asks the Spanish to leave. And as he does this, he shares the news that he's known for a while. This is weird, that some more Spaniards have arrived at Veracruz and they're looking for them. Or rather, he's seen some Spanish ships on the coast. This is the beginning of the third act of the film, right?

Yeah, this is where things really start to speed up. Yeah. Now, this is where our old friend Diego Velazquez from Cuba, so Cortez's old rival, he has, of Of course, Cortez has been gone rogue. He's been ignoring his orders. So he has sent a fleet of 1,400 men and 90 horses. That's 90 dogs with big cocks. Yeah, far outnumbering Cortez's force.

He sent them. But he's absolutely livid because I think he's found out somehow about Cortez's going rogue. Well, he already knew, I guess. So they're led by a guy called Panfio de Navarre. Yeah. So Cortez, what he decides to do is he leaves half his men in the city. And he, which you should never do, by the way. You should never separate your forces.

But it worked, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. But he takes big... That's what I mean. It's just something we haven't really drawn out enough about is Cortez's character. He's like every point in the story where he could take a massive gamble, he takes it. So like a lot of the history about it cast Cortez in lots of different lights, right? But some people cast him as a sort of...

We're trying to have a discussion about Cortez and you're literally showing animal porn. on the script. What are you, Charlie? Small dog having sex with cow. Why is that a metaphor for Cortez and Motta's humor? What are you doing? It's not, it's a, it's a fact. It's a, it's, I was just seeing if any dogs had had sex with any horses.

Okay. And I think they have. Oh. Right. Right. But do you know what I mean about Cortez, the way that people talk about him? Yeah. Because you can view him as like Columbus, I guess.

guess is this kind of like a bad man real bad man real bad man but he is he's not a mediocrity I don't think he's a great man he's a great man but he seems like um he makes really bold decisions regularly and they seem to always come off he's he's decisive he has huge clarity you know he knows what he thinks he knows who he likes knows what he doesn't like yeah he thinks the aspects of savages he likes goals yeah ergo but it's just there's so many moving parts And obviously it's not just about the Spanish forces defeating the Aztecs which was inevitably going to happen.

It was more about within the Spanish forces him doing it from the first exhibition with his tiny force. It seems like at every... I don't know, he definitely doesn't seem like a mediocrity is what I think. No, I think he's a great man. So, but anyway, he does what he's not meant to do.

You're supposedly never meant to split your forces when you're abroad. So it leaves his half as men... But he's got to keep the Montezuma on house arrest. So Montezuma stays in the city under the care of his second in command

Pedro de Alvarado so Cortez takes half his men to confront Navajez and what he does there is he defeats him in like a night attack. Has Navayez taken Veracruz

is that where they're have they taken one of his forts? No I don't think I think they get to Veracruz and they see it but I don't think they take it so I think they march in land and Cortez

is like I think on a mountain and looks over them and basically they're all sleeping and then Cortez just goes in and just fucks him up. Even though he has way less, because this is literally half of Cortez's forces that have already been halved.

Yeah, so he's got maybe a quarter of the numbers that Navarre does. Narvaez doesn't hear that Cortez is on his way. Yeah. So he knows he's coming, but doesn't think he's going to make it that quickly. Because Cortez has been here for nearly a year,

maybe over a year. Yeah. He understands the terrain. He's got indigenous allies. And this is kind of their first... And also, once you know the route, it always feels quicker, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, I know these, yeah.

Oh, it's that tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. It's like when you're on a city break and you can walk back to the hotel like two, three days. It feels like... The second day, you're like, we did this in half a time.

We did yesterday, yeah. So he defeats Narvaez. Navaez loses an eye, and he then bribes all of his troops to join him. So he takes more men back to Tashnotis. Slav, whatever it's called.

Episode four, it's tough. It's tough. It was tough in episode one. Tough in episode one. I don't have the dexterity my mouth anymore. It hasn't been trained.

Tesh. Tosh-Kitlan. Nosh-nosh-gobble, whatever it's called. Tess Nosh. Tish-Nosh-Tit-Lam. Tesh-Nash-Tit-Klan. Tesh-Not-T-Wank.

Techno-Tik-Lan. Tech-Nek-Wank. He takes them all back. And this is a very important point. One of Narvae's men has got smallpox. Which is kind of probably the big thing for the Aztec population. You can view it

as colonisation in many of its forms, but the thing that really obliterates the Aztec culture and all kind of indigenous cultures is smallpox just ravages them. It's a biological weapon that to be fair, they don't know they've got it.

And also... You can't really blame that because that's just inevitable. Because it's like the black death, that's Mongols. But you wouldn't blame... You can't blame them. Yeah, that's absolutely. fault but no i mean europeans were always going to meet the aztecs at some point and they were all because the europeans have been living with their animals for thousands of years longer than the

aztecs had they've been sedentary and farming they were much have much more developed immune systems and so they had diseases that you know the uh aztecs couldn't cope with and as a huge part of all colonization really is the the diseases that uh europeans bring just obliterate the this is why we're this is why covid ushered in the chinese age yeah so anyway Anyway, while this is happening, while Cortez is defeating Narvaez, in his absence in Tenochtit wank, Alvarado has said,

yes, you can carry on having your festivals, and he authorises this festival of Tox cattle, which is a big religious festival for the Aztecate. So he's gone woke? He's gone completely woke. He's gone, yes, you can have your mad, fruity god shit. Now, I think...

Actually, he hasn't gone woke. Yeah, he's a big overcorrection about to happen. the pendulum swings hard so this festival it's all in like it this is a very cinematic moment yes because it's all in a big like square and or like inside some walls and I think it's mainly like it's drumming

and it's people dressing up as birds and you're kind of you're you're building yourself to this reverie the sweat and you're it's kind of like almost ayahuasquerie it's like day of the dead it's like whistles you know all that nonsense

and then at some point and I don't I can't remember why he does this maybe he starts to plan this all along i feel possibly or he feels like things are getting a bit out of hand it's a bit fruit of me it's enough it's enough of this one he he locks the gates to the wall he gets his sort of climax of the celebrations when they're the most distracted with them he locks the gates he says let's just fucking he just let's just fucking mask of them all um i think someone claimed someone tells him maybe they were planning a rebellion or something or this is always the case who knows whenever you're hearing these accounts there's always

someone says they're planning a rebellion. Who fucking knows. Everyone who loves to drive has a name for their car or truck. Betty, Midnight, Big Yellow. Your pride and joy deserves a name you can trust. Penzoil. You know the name Penzoil means heritage, passion, and performance. And you know Penzoil platinum, full synthetic motor oil maximizes engine protection.

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Array! Array! The Conjuring. Last rites only in theatre September 5th So one account of the masculine I'll read this out This is a quote They surrounded those who danced

They went among the drums They struck off the arms Of the one who beat the drums And afterwards Shut that fucking Cut your arms off I'd love to do that Absolutely love to do that

Someone playing bongos in public Cut your arms off And afterwards his neck and his head Flew off falling far away They pierced them all with their iron lances And they struck each with iron swords Of some they slashed open the back so that their entrails fell out of some they split the heads they hacked their heads to pieces so this

is all taken from the florentine codex which is one of the key sources which is kind of the only the main sources we have of like native accounts where i think what was it charlie you explain it again so they kind of in the wake of the spanish conquest all get taught latin in the latin alphabet right so then they can actually write down their histories and what happened yeah but um yeah eventually this sort of gets shipped off to Florence, this codex which is what it's called the Florentine Codex, but it is in fact written by

it's a native account. Yeah, so it's one of the other key sources. You've got some native accounts. Yeah, it's a biased account. It's a one-time account. We can't trust it totally. All we know is that Alvarado has... It's like the Huffington Post. Yeah, it's just deeply biased. Who knows what happened? It's all a load of woke nonsense.

But Alvarado has dealt with this festival, which needed dealing with. He's robust. He was getting out of he was robust he cuts the golden nose off an idol of Huitschellopochely Yeah

That's a good This is Alvarado Is it? Fucking out I like that I like that I like that guy I thought you might

Yeah He looks no nonsense No nonsense Correction of Forenton Codex Was written by somebody Spanish But in partnership

with Nahua elders Right And authors Who told all the stories Yeah this is The beginning of decolonising

The curriculum Yes Yeah Which is I'm not for that I'm for Re-colum the curriculum, get it back up to

speed. This is like when the British Museum have you can listen to like native accounts about things that we're going to give the Elgin Marbles back. No. They'll wipe their ass with it. They can't be trusted. So Alvarado then, after masquering

everyone, this is quite funny, he goes to Montezuma and he points to a minor head wound that he's got from someone throwing a rock at him and he goes, can you believe what your fucking people are done to me? The fucking gall of your people. I was massacring them and one of them

threw a fucking lock at me He's outrageous This is outrageous This is a war crime He masks And you know Fair's fair The city

The city starts to turn against him They just go absolutely hysterical They're not using their minds They're Mexicans They lose their rag They go I can do You have a friend in me

Keda Keda And they just start throwing Coke cans And litter Yeah And you know The taco stalls They turn them over

They besieged the Spanish in one of the palaces. And they're holding Montezuma as a hostage while they're being besieged in this palace with angry mobs outside. And then Cortez ordered Montezuma's brother to over the markets

and he promptly swipsides and is formally elected as the new emperor of the Aztecs. So they put a proxy emperor. Oh, I see. Because the Spanish But they're already Montezuma's and a proxy emperor. Anyway, so basically, the whole city rises up in rebellion and the Aztecs destroy all the causeways around the

did to try and trap the Spanish on the island and as we they try and explain if they put a form fill in the form to the local council this could have been dealt with through proper channels yes yeah there's a clear portal that you have to log in yeah then you can air your grievances on there well you have a you have a you know you have a town hall yeah meeting and everyone gets their turn up listen to see all I can do yes tell it to my assistant I've got to deal with the national issues as well but I'll try and make you can't just so can navigate that they're savages They don't know what's going on. They're trying to get it all at once.

They're greedy fuckers. They're fat on chocolate. And it's like, listen, let's just calm down. But anyway, the Aztec forces are harassing the palace day and night. The Aztecs are, I like this. So the Aztecs have got loads of heads knocking about because they're constantly chom people face off. We didn't mention actually, they've got these skull racks, these huge racks of sacrifice

victims' skulls that they've started finding in Mexico City. So interestingly, as a side now, all the... excavation of the Aztec ruins it's only really begun since the 70s so a lot of this was all just sort of myth and who fucking knows and then there's a fat Mexican builder who's going when they're digging underneath Mexico City so now they found in the 90s they found these skull racks

fuck me yeah so they think that they were like I don't know how I can't remember how wide but fucking massive like thousands of thousands of skulls wide with like these huge pillars and it would form like a sort of wall of a temple. Crazy. So they used it as like building material. They used people's skulls as bricks.

It would work quite well. But you've got so many of them as well. It's like when you do, you know, when you go to like, I don't know, like a St. John's restaurant in London. Yes. It's top to tail. They're not wasting any of the animal. That's true. And have awful.

If you've got 80,000 corpses, what a waste. Yeah, you're right. I guess cannibals are quite resolved. They're not wasting anything. So technostate land is in flames. Right. Suddenly, the niceties of the two groups is going to completely out the window. The Aztecs start some psychological warfare, and with the heads they've got, they put

feet on them and make it look like they're walking. Now, I don't really know how this makes sense. Are they like puppeteering them? Yeah. The Spanish report seeing heads jumping past the windows. I guess they're just throwing... I mean, when I was at school, we did a thing. got a stick with a head on it and they go, yeah, yeah.

But when I was at school, we did a thing where we, um, our sick form common room was like above the mass department. Right. And we got, uh, like some, a CCF, like an army at clothes, stuffed it with, um, newspaper and stuff and boots. And we made it seem like some, a kid had jumped out of the window. And so we like, made it fly down. Right.

And it crashed, the legs crashed into the window of the math class. And the mass teacher had a fucking panic attack. Obviously, he's like, I was a kid on, ah! And he came up and we, yeah, I mean, we were. going milk from trouble. It was good, clean, fine. Anyway, the Aztex take that slightly more,

yeah, a slight different direction with actual people's heads attached to feet. Anyway, the Spanish send Montezuma to the rooftop of the palace to calm people. Stop all this head stuff.

This is another absolutely bizarre bit this is crazy. Montezuma goes out and is like, listen, I'm your emperor, chill out. No, no, no, it was not chill out. He goes, I'm your emperor, we've already lost, give up.

It's like a huge, yeah. Well, we don't know. He said that. Well, that's what they say, he says. Right, okay. They say that he basically says We can't win this

Yeah Give them what they want Yeah You know it's this huge city And there's like Still like 600 Spanish people And he's just like They've won

Just give up Because And that's when Someone chucks a rock at his head And he's clearly lost All his power Because he's being such a cuck Well this is one

One theory is that He's Neville Chamberlain Yeah But what he is actually I have a piece of paper in my hand I have a piece of paper in my hand I have a piece of paper in my hand Hey man

I got a piece of paper my hand and someone chucks a rocket him. That's one theory. The other theory is that the Spanish just kill him. Yeah. Either way, Montezuma dies in June 1520. Well, they're killing because they don't need her anymore.

Yeah, exactly. Well, he's lost to any power. Exactly. So the Spanish can't, if they can't use Montezuma to control them, then he's a waste. And then his brother gets elected. Then Cretelac is elected emperor. Oh, right. Sorry.

His brother is elected amongst the Aztec people. Yes. And that's when the total war starts between this new emperor and the Spanish. So it's war. It's war. It's war. War. The siege of Tenoza clan.

Charlie, we don't need to know what total war is. What's total war rather than kind of war? See, I think even for the average listener, we don't need to explain that. It's only for our producer. We need to explain basic concepts. Total war is just, it's fucking all out. It's all guns blazing. We're off.

Land, sea, yeah. Right. And then a bit is just like, I'm a bit annoyed. I'm a bit cross. There's a cold war. There's a bit of war. Total war means right. Fuck it.

Here we go. Yeah. It's official. I'm coming over. But it's also, it's not a like, a secret secretive war like a shadow war cold war fine i've never been in a physical fight so no yeah you have the uh inquisitive nature of someone who's ever been punched have you ever been punched no of course not i got punched in the face once but they is because they

thought i have a very lippy friend who looks like me no i was kicked by a horse at birth it's different you were kicked by a dog with a massive cot no a friend uh someone i have a very lippy friend who looks a lot like me right and he was just whining this guy off the tic-tongue off no it was Lewis make this shout out and the guy just had enough and he was a bit cross-sighting glasses wearing right like me I guess and he just turned and smacked me in the face and then a guy in a blue zip up quarter zip smacked him and he fell and smacked his head on the the guy who'd punched me on the curb bounce up the guy in the blue quarter-zip everyone thought the guy was dead yeah the quarter-zit guy's like well I've just killed someone I'm fucked

He does up his quarter zip and power walks off. Power walks as strong, yeah. Just like, right, right. Let's get off there. I might spend the rest of my life in prison. Right. But he was fine. I think he was so drunk that he just kind of bounced off the,

it was pretty, he just cracked his head on the curb, and it was just straight back up. I mean, he had quite a thick head. He seemed like quite a Neandertholic guy. Yeah. So I think his skull was just a bit thicker. Fucking hell. American history Xing yourself. That's pretty impressive.

Yeah, pretty amazing. Anyway. Anyway. total war days of battles as the Spanish try and capture surrounding houses but again they're in a palace they're outnumbered there's this Mexican mob chucking rocks at them this goes on for a long time this battle this is quite an intense battle and the tash carlins are involved they're they're in the temple presumably with them they're in the palace and they're doing their best but at some point so the 30th of June 1520 so maybe a week 10 days after

montezumas died the spanish cortes is like right we've got to get we've got to fucking get out of here and we're going to have to somehow build a bridge to cross the gaps in the lake because they're blocking the normal causeways. Yeah, they've destroyed the causeways and this goes down in infamy really

as La Noche Triste, the Night of Tears. The sad night. Right. This is where Cortez and the Spanish make their escape. Now, a soldier named Bottolo um

who, yeah. Dirty Bottolo. Dirty Bottolo, who is reputed sorcerer. He warns that if they don't leave that night, they'll all die. And he, by the way, is later killed after a mysterious phallic object

and a death prophecy are found in his belongings. Right. So he's got an ancient dildo and then he ends up dead? Yeah. I guess, I guess. I don't know how mysterious that is. Because everyone's being killed.

It's total war. And he just has a dildo. and people are like, what's going on here? How did this man die? Or maybe the fact that everyone's killing everyone. Maybe that's how he probably died. No, it'll be that ancient dula he's got, I reckon. Disgusting.

Sort of Poirotan needs to be called in for... So the Spanish begin their escape across the causeway, but they're spotted. Oh no! And this is where it's absolute chaos. So bear in mind, there are loads of horses, there's water, the Aztecs don't know what are horses. They're like, kill the dogs quickly.

Cortez gets thrown into the lake. He's dragged down. by his fellow soldiers the bridge they make is fucking useless dead bodies are filling the canal the Aztecs are throwing like rocks they've got arrows they walk across the corpses they make a land bridge with fucking dead bodies the Spanish loss is estimated

anywhere between 150 to over 1100 men sorry this is what is constantly missing from these stories they've got so many native allies so it's easy to view it as just a small Spanish force but they've got a lot of trash carlans yes about 4,000 them potentially die yeah but again that helps them make a bigger bridge to get across the water.

Brilliant. So nearly 270 Spaniards were left behind after apparently not being told they were meant to leave the city. So they didn't have like a rendezvous point. What time are we leaving again? When should we go? Is there a, once the...

Yeah, was it like 9 o'clock, 9.30? Is this the sad night? Is this tonight the sad night? Or is it tomorrow? Wednesday, the night of tears? Is it tonight? I would have been one of these guys, for sure. Yeah, we're just left behind.

What time do they say? Yeah. Where were we meant to be going? Was this like a bus pickup thing? Was there like a checkpoint? So my dad, right, when he was, probably, he's sort of semi-retired now, when he was a teacher, he, so he's meant to, he was quite, because he ran a film unit at the school and he used to take kids on, like,

trips to go and make documentaries abroad. And there was one, he went to Moldova quite a bit to make films there. And there was one year where this trip to Moldova was going. And he wasn't going to Moldova that year, but he was like, well, I'll take, I'll drive the bus to Heathrow to get the kids to, go to. So there's like 20 kids, right, sick formers. And he has to, they have to get a flight at like 8am from Heathrow.

They've got to be there at 6. So from Oxford, they've got to leave at about 4.8.m. Right, so dad's like, yeah, I'll be, I'll see you there at 4.m. Completely sat through his alarm, wakes up at 9 a.m. 20, 20 kids on a bus in the school. Just like, oh, yeah, sorry about that. I was meant to, I was meant to, he, he, he, he, he, He woke up and then just, like, went downstairs, made a coffee.

Did she do something I was supposed to be, something I meant to be doing today? Oh, yeah. Oh, they missed a flight. And all of those kids are up at four and they're just, just milling about waiting for someone to take him to his row. That's crazy. That's the opposite of the dad stereotype,

which is getting them to the airport incredibly early. Yeah, yeah. This is, oh. That's amazing. Just their family side, Farron's dairy milk. thought that's amazing yeah just completely fucked it forgot i think they i think someone did take him eventually but uh anyway he was completely unbothered by it yeah you know when you sleep in so late you're like oh well i can i don't even have time to feel guilty well it's all finished it's all

exactly it's all finished all of that that's behind me yeah all the start a day and you just can move on i'd love every day i'd love that well you could sleep past all your problems sleep past all your problems yeah you wake up your kids are dead does it oh great i couldn't i i couldn't i I couldn't even have saved them. I don't even have to be sad. I can just go on my life. All the grieving would have been done. No, they're already buried.

Oh, brilliant. Oh, fine. All right. Everyone's been buried. Oh, fine. Well, I'll get on with it then. I'll start a new life. I'll just get to the good bit where I start a new life.

I wake up. I've been cancelled. Everyone I know is dead and buried. Your career is already finished. Yeah. It was finished years ago. Yeah, yeah. Everything's done.

So I just wait. wake up and I'm going to go, right, okay, I guess I'll just go to Greece. Brilliant. I'll go to Greece, get some cans and that'll be it. Lovely. It's that middle bit where you have to be sad and work things out. That's the worst bit, the fall. Yeah. Wake up a rock bottom. Wake up just past rock bottom. Get into bounce back. Ideal. It's Rona week. Now until Wednesday. And the best part, we're ready to help you extend your summer. You know the saying the grass is always greener on the other side?

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grab an O'Henry bar to satisfy your hunger. With its delicious combination of big, crunchy, salty peanuts covered in creamy caramel and chewy fudge with a chocolatey coating. Swing by a gas station and get an O'Henry today. Oh, hungry, oh Henry. Anyway, I imagine all these guys die. Yeah, they all get sacrificed. Right, yes.

yeah so they um and all this is the key thing so cortez has plundered all the time he's taking gold that's the main thing it's the most important thing basically all every day he's like can we have some more gold and the Aztecs are like yeah because they've got fucking loads of they don't really care about God they're like oh yeah to them it's just like cheese I guess like do they have cheese I don't think they have cheese the Aztecs they're eating tortillas they're eating corn yeah the Aztecs didn't have cheese yeah Um, did they have yogurt? No.

They don't really have dairy products. They're not really a dairy type people. Dairy was introduced by the conquistadors. Right. So they were dairy free. Yeah. Which means they're eating dark chocolate, which then suddenly doesn't make it as attractive.

Right. You want, you want, you want, like, sort of like... I want milk chocolate. I don't like dark chocolate. Do you like it? A little bit with a shot of rum is actually very nice.

No. No. Big bar of milker. Woke nonsense. Dark chocolate's 185% Coco tastes like ash It does

Oh it's a disgrace Disgrace 85% cocoa It's like I want a treat Yeah You're making me A fucking fag butt It's like I'm eating a dead man

It's disgusting I want milk chocolate Or I want What I will tolerate If I'm having a healthy treat I'll get a date I'll shove it with something Like a pistachio butter

Cover it Nutella Cover it Nutella I'll freeze it it and then I'll eat that. Freeze it. Yeah, because then you take it out the freezer. And when it's in that bit between frozen and like unfrozen,

it's really chew. It's like a Snickers almost. Right, and that's the healthy one. Yeah. A bit of salt on it. Yeah. But dark chocolate, you know when I said in, I can't remember what episode

of this series, I said that if I was discovered the Aztecs, I'd be it by the larder eating chocolate. You've realized that the chock's probably horrible. I'd realize it's dark chocolate. After three bites, I'd be like, this is disgusting. You're all savages.

You don't have milk chocolate yet. Fuck this off. To be honest, one of the podcasts I was going to do about this topic reminded me of just how lucky we are to be born. After milk chocolate. We're just after anything. Because it's like the most foods, vegetables that we eat, crops. Yeah. They've evolved like humans have evolved through being picked for natural selection.

So like the early bananas, bananas 30,000 years ago or even 10,000 years ago would have been horrible. All bananas. And it's just through, and they would have had to eat them because it was the only source of nutrition. And eventually, you know, people would pick the good bananas of every batch for thousands of thousand years until it gets to the point where you have a decent banana. But they would, nearly everything was fucking awful.

Yeah. Apart from maybe meat, I guess. But we're just lucky that everything has been processed to the point where, you know, at this point they had like four things. I reckon the first chocolate orange slapped. What, Terry's chocolate orange. Yeah. But that was like 30 years ago, wasn't it?

That's what I mean. I reckon it was sick. Yeah. I don't reckon they've got immeasurably better over time. No. No, I think that's... So I think your banana theory

might work about bananas. I don't think it works about chocolate oranges. I don't think it does. That's a good point. I guess the exception proof. Oh, fucking look at that. Shove that out of my ass and caught me a goose. You like to put it in the fridge?

No, I don't like chocolate in the fridge. No, but Terry's chocolate orange should be in the fridge. No, should. You want that hard? No, no, no. No, and then you smash it. Like a popod on. No, no, no, no, you tap it.

And then she reveals her secrets. She unfolds like a flower. Unfolds. No, trust me, I wouldn't normally have chocolate in the fridge, but Terry's chocolate in the fridge is a Catholic disgrace. I don't think it is actually. Yeah, I think it is. I think chocolate in the fridge, because I don't like room temperature chocolate too much because it gets sticky in your fingers and it goes deep into your finger. Do you not have chocolate gloves?

Or like gardening gloves. Yeah. I have chalky gloves. I don't, but imagine I think milk chocolate digestives are better in the fridge No, biscuits in the fridge Yeah, because it makes the chocolate

harder in it Biscuits in the fridge Only milk chocolate digestives Yeah, that's down syndrome stuff It's not Down syndrome stuff Put biscuits in the fridge It's big brain galaxy brain stuff No it's not

What about in the summer Where are you keeping your chocolate In your pocket? Hey? Where are you keeping a chocolate in the summer In the cupboard where it goes A cool dark cupboard I don't know

You don't want it to be even have to You want it to be hard Chocolate's like potatoes go on cool dark cupboard right we are in the middle of a battle right now sorry it's like at the peak of stuff happening i know i know i know look at that tree look at that terry's chocolate orange uh someone built that out of different chocolate oranges yeah wow sorry that's pretty amazing isn't it it's more you've more impressed than that describe it for the listeners i'd say that imagine it's like a pyramid of it's it's more impressive than the period of it's

if you come out the lake and you'd seen someone has as interlocked tessellated yeah i'd say at least 10 chocolate oranges into a tree That's fair. I mean If we found a primitive society and they'd done that I'd hesitate for a second Before the massacreing started I'd say do you have a lot of that I say give me all of that you have

And then I'm going to wipe you all out Right right right right I would take all the chocolate they had And then I'd give the maids and then they'd all die That's my version of the Aztecs Yeah I have a sickness of the heart That can only be cured by Terry's chocolate orange Because you know the Aztecs said of the Spanias They have one god

and his name is gold His name is chocolate orange And he won't stop Until he's got all the chocolate oranges So while they're trying to skate this city To Nostoklan All of their gold pretty much Goes to the bottom of Lake Texarko

Cortez Get to the other side to safety He's dripping wet He's lost half his men maybe more He's lost all his gold And he's livid Yeah He's absolutely livid

The entire point of going to the Aztec The feather in his hat is like this. Yeah, it's all wet. Yeah. The entire point of going there was to get all the gold, because that was what he was going to say to King Charles V, is it, of Spain? Yeah, because also he broke the law,

but if he comes with an insane amount of gold, I'm sure Charles V is going to forgive him. At some point, he does send gold back to King Charles. Is this after Tenocti once fallen or before? He does it whilst he's in Tenochtitland. And he's a thing called the Royal Fifth. Yeah. where Charles will get a fifth of all gold.

Yes. And then I'm pretty sure Cortez takes a fifth as well. And his men get pretty pissed off about it. So is that Charles the 5th, Charlie? He's got a Hadsberg jaw. This is another one of... He's a Hadsberg, is he not? Yeah.

Charles is... So does that mean that this is... We had this in the piracy series. Look at that jaw. Fuck me. I mean, he'd be... Well, that's inbreeding. He'd be in Montezuma Zoo.

I'll give it that much. Montezzoo would be licking his lips. What the fuck's that? What the fuck's going on there? It'd be a good. That's a great new insult, isn't it, for someone who's a bit special? What? You'd be in Montezuma Zoo.

Montezuma would be having a good look at you. He'd love it. He'd love it. So, Cortez has been sending gold back to Spain. People in Europe are aware of the riches of the Aztec Empire. And so Cortez needs all this goal to justify his actions in retrospect because he's been disobeying orders from the start. So they retreat back to their allies city. Chachclala to recover and kind of regroup and plan another attack.

But the Spanish are attacked on retreat by an Aztec army of 20,000 at Othumba. But they managed to win by killing the general fucking fucknose. Matlatzin cattle. Maitless cattle. Only mateless cow. And the Aztec forces collapse, which I guess just because they killed their general. That's the thing. Queen Bee.

Queen Bee is gone. So to recap, the Spanish reached Slash Carla on the 11th of July 1520 and they begin plotting their revenge. Have you plotted much? Am I a plotter?

Yeah. Is there many things you describe as plotting? Because what... No, I suppose... It's not planning. What's the difference in plotting and planning? Well, planning, you can plan anything but plotting is an evil connotation to it, isn't it?

you can't plot for good you can plot a graph yeah but if you're plotting can you be um plotting like you could you could plot a hit there's downfall yeah but again that's you know to some that's a crime isn't it

right right and then scheming is even more nefarious I'd say my main crimes are spontaneous right it's eating chocolate when I'm taking the bins out it's manslaughter it's not planned murder

no no no no it stands up in court yeah I'm getting away it's a crime of passion it's a crime all my crown to passion crimes. Yeah. It's look how many mince pies there are there. Yeah, it's true.

It's like, oh, I'm just going to get around the corner. Or I'm going to do some washing up. But while my family's not looking, I'm eating chocolate over the sink. It's not cold and calculated. No, no, no. It's, I've got little stashes of chocolate around the house. And it's like, oh, I'm just going to go and cook dinner. You know, it's all passionate chocolate eating.

Yeah. Anyway, they get to Flash Carla the 11th of July, 1520. Roughly a third of the Spaniards are dead, as we're. were thousands of their native allies, but they're not the Spanish, so they're less important. Cortez himself has sustained injuries that are so severe that two

fingers need to be amputated. That's a heinous. Which is a tragedy. Just take a minute. Heartbreaking. Reckon with that. Cortez lost two fingers. Now, which two fingers?

Yeah, depends. Are they one of the pink, one in the stink? Are they gone? Are a stink pink's gone? Because that's really, that's a shame. What is a man? What if a man, if he can't put one the pink one of the stink.

Yeah. Is he just got those ones? That's basically like... Imagine it. I mean, those are the worst ones to lose. That's big. You're constrated if you lose your pink and sting. Essentially. Yeah.

Because then what, you know, for play... Is he eunuch? Yeah. Because what's your foreplay tactic? What's your conversational tactic? If you're like, if you're Caribbean, you don't eat Tuntum. Yeah. You know, and then you've got, you've got no Piquetunton.

Do you know what Tuntun is? Yeah. Yeah. Poonani. Yeah, right. I just saw for a minute there. I thought it was like a plantain or something. No.

shout out Uncle Percy on rated 18 podcast one of the greats one of the greats um yeah I reckon those are the worst two fingers to lose pink and stink thumb fine got a flipper you can still do some damage you can still spank you can spank naughty or yeah you can wipe your ass without a thumb

you can hit the salute very elegant wiping your ass action there yeah I use like a paddle you can hit the salute well I have a cox who says row row row while I'm wiping my ass wipe wipe

wipe um yeah i reckon because i can't can you move your finger no no one can some people can can yeah your fourth

your fourth and fifth fingers like attached yeah like the tendons are if you move just your pinky that the second one's gonna be this isn't gonna be great on audio I must stress um

if you were left with just your pinkies is that a life would you just got pinkies yeah would you be able to be taking seriously if you only had your pinkies. No, you'd be in the Montezuma Zoo. I'll tell you how much. Yeah.

I think you'd be taking more seriously if you had a hook for hands. I think pinkies is silly. I think, yeah. I think if you down thumbs, you can just suck your two thumbs. Oh, two thumbs is pretty cool, actually. Who's got two thumbs?

No fucking fingers. This guy. But also you can do, you can do that. You know, you can go, how are you today? Not good. Yeah.

I guess if you're, if your only thing is being a Roman emperor in the Coliseum, that's brilliant. Because you're just saying yes, no, yes, no. And then you go, Oh, do you want to do this?

Oh, I guess I'll just sit here with my thumb at my ass. Anyway, despite the defeat, Cortez begins to plan a counterattack. I think we should probably leave this episode here. That's the end, been our penultimate episode. We are gathering, the gathering storm of what will happen. Cortez's revenge, the Aztec Empire. He's plotting. He's plotting, he's scheming, he's lost two fingers.

He's livid. He's livid. His pink-stink fingers are gone. What will happen to the Aztecic empire? the Aztecs. If only there was a way to find out. Well, there is one way. Only one way to find out.

What's that? That's to join the Patreon and see the next episode. Oh, wow. You could also, you know, read a book or something. On the Aztex? Yeah, but that's going to be very long. You're right. And very boring.

Yeah, I'd rather watch another episode of this. Exactly. Join the Patreon for that episode and a bonus episode every week. Thanks for watching. Either way, we will see you for the conclusion of our Aztex series next time. conclusion of our epic series on the Aztecs. Adios. Bye-bye.