Fin vs History - Don’t Even Talk To Me Before You’ve Picked My Coffee | Papa Doc: Haitian Dictator (Part 1)

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

Coffee, Voudou & Lesbians - Haiti or Hackney? How one man went from doctor to dictator armed with nothing but folklore and a lesbian sidekick.   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor 00:00 – Island Gaddafi   04:00 – But first coffee   06:30 – Haiti is in the group of death   09:15 – Voodou revolt   11:20 – Supporting black business   13:25 –  The worst people occupy the worst country     16:15 – Papa becomes a Doc   20:05 – Alan  Akbar    22:45 – Reads one book and becomes a dictator    23:55 – Voodou sex doll (the   28:24 – 8 man coup   30:48 – Zombie gangsters   34:30 – Madam Adolphe  38:30 – No more Mr Normal guy  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. I'm driving by Horatio Gould. And I'm delighted to say that today and this week we're in the Caribbean. Easy. This is easy. We are in Haiti. Yep. For the...

This is Aeland Gaddafi. Here we go. When we started this podcast, you wouldn't have come strong with that. No. But my word, what a year it's been. Yep. It's been a long year. I've been a long year.

And we've worn him down. And now he's just firing West Indian accents off the car. We're in Haiti for Papadoc. Yes. The voodoo dictator. There we go. It's lovely stuff, this. If you can't have fun with us, then why you're in the game.

Palm tree Mussolini. You name it. Palm tree Mussolini. Plantin Hitler, whatever. Take your pick. Take your pick. We're in Haiti, which is, now, it's a long history before Papa Dog. It's a very interesting history, but it has led to, I don't think this is offensive

to say, but the worst country on earth. They would admit it. I was reading this morning about the 1804 revolution in is the first ever country to overthrow slavery. It's a black republic. It used to be the most profitable Connolly. And it's undertort in schools

because now it's the shitter's country in the world. Yes. And the optics is that are quite bad if you're anti-slavery. Well, yeah. It's complicated. I'm not saying... What are you saying?

I'm not saying... What are you saying with a big smug? Look at your face. No, I'm just saying why is it not taught in schools? It's because the narrative isn't great from an anti-slavery perspective. overthrow slavery, it's by any metric

the shudders place in the world now. Those are just two facts. You know, coincidence does not equal causality. I'm not saying they do, but it's a bad place. Sure. Real bad place. And a lot of that is to do with Duvalier, the man we all be discussing this series.

It wasn't immediately terrible from the slave revolution. There was like, there's ups and downs. In the early 1900s, they had a chance. The United States fucked around a lot. with them to be fair. They did, but also... But it has resulted in the worst country in the world. Yes.

To live in. It's the poorest in the Western Hemisphere. Yeah. It seems like a fucking nightmare, to be honest. It really does. Yeah. It's a country where the main thing they eat is dirt cookies. I guess you get maybe a tiny bit of what you'd have bread and then you mix them with mud.

Right. And like kind of, I guess like cement or something. And then you can just make loads of them. And it doesn't even... What it does. does it just gives you the idea of being full. Okay. It has no nutritional value.

So it's a bit like... A mud cookie. What's it? It's been like a gastric bypass. Yeah, I guess. It makes you feel... The dirt is mixed. So it's dirt strained to remove rocks and clumps.

The dirt is mixed with salt and vegetable shortening or other fat. So it's a salty ceramic cookie. Ceramic. It's... It's a coaster. Yeah. Yeah. It's a ceramic coaster.

Pretty gnarly, to be honest. That's a Haitian biscuit. So Soggy Biscuit in Asia is a very, very difficult game. That's where the worlds are held. Yeah, yeah. The World Series. Peak. The Champions League of Soggy Biscuit makes place in the Hays.

Now, Haiti occupies the western half of the island of Hispaniola. The other half is Dominican Republic, I think. How's Dominican Republic getting on? Do you know? Well, is that technically a U.S. territory? I don't know. You don't hear much about that.

It's doing well. Economically booming. Due to a tourism sector. That is quite interesting that there's literally the same iron kind of its main problem is that it borders Haiti which is significant security concerns. It's like having a heroin addict in the family.

Turning up on Christmas Day. My main issue is my fucking piece of shit cousin. Haiti was formerly the French colony of San Dominique and it was the most profitable colony in the world in the 18th century. Sugar, coffee. indigo, I don't know what that is. Don't need indigo.

I'll keep the sugar in the coffee. You have the indigo. What is that? Is that colour? I don't care. It's blue dye. Right. So this is for French people

have dyed their hair. Yeah. What blue is the warmest color? Yeah. Just sort of lesbian lessons. Yeah. They're getting sugar. They're getting coffee.

They're dying their hair. Oh, right. Fringe and they're going on about fucking poetry or whatever. Okay. So it's for non-binary French people. Yes. Yeah.

It's a huge industry that was booming. We must not forget that non-binary French people are built on the backs of slaves. It was a bad. place in the 18th century if you were working there. Working again is probably not the right word. I don't know if it's called working. Do you live to work? What do you work to live? In Haiti, the 18th century, you were sort of working to die, I guess. But you weren't dying to work. No. You weren't coming in the morning going, oh, another day. Here we go.

You were dying at work, though. You were dying at work. And from work. Yeah. Work was everything. Yeah. But first, coffee. I need to get coffee beans. Yeah. No, sorry. It was coffee all day, actually. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't even talk to me until you pick the coffee. First thing is you get all that coffee. Yeah. And last thing is, you still get all that coffee. Don't even talk to me, the white guy, until you pick my coffee. Now, around 773,000 people are enslaved there during the 80th century alone. The death rate from yellow fever meant at least 50% of the slaves died within a year of arriving.

Now, yellow fever is not what you're. or uncoa cause being horny for Chinese people. That is a, that's a tropical disease. The death rate was so high that polyandry develops as a common form of marriage. Right. So it's a response to a high death rate, polycules form. Yes, sort of. But it's more, polyandry is women with lots of men.

Bonnie Blue. Is it? Yeah. Oh, so what's the, what's men with lots of women? Biggamy. Is it? Yeah. Oh.

Okay. No, polyamory is the general. Everyone. Interesting. So it feels like when there's a low death rate, polykills come in, right? Because you're running out of things to complain about. Yes.

And when there's a really high death rate, it's like a horseshoe, right, of polycules. Well, in the way that Bonnie Blue is the death of society, the death of the West. Because if we didn't have anything, we didn't have any natural predators. Yes, exactly. So we just said, let's fucking do this.

I got nothing else to do. Now, in 1791, the enslaved Haitians rose and revolt, because France who'd been running the colony they'd just had their French Revolution and they'd said that everyone is equal man Yeah Apart from you guys over there

You're not technically people Yeah So under leaders such as Toussaint Lubertoe and Jean-Jacques Desaline They over the course of the next 10 years They defeat the armies of France, Britain and Spain Group of death Yeah that's a tough

To get through that To be fair they've done very well Unbelievable Yeah the odds were long Yeah on Haiti good qualifying So there's Iceland in the 2016 euros. There's also leaders in the Haitian revolt with names such as

Dutty Bookman who's an enslaved leader and a voodoo priest. Is that just someone who reads? Dutty Bookman. That's the equivalent of being called Gay for Reading in Haitian society. Here you're Dutty Bookman. And then we've got Cecil Fatiman,

who is a woman. Cecil Fatim. These are good names. But everyone in this story sounds like, like a sort of early 2000 Sean Paul rapper. But it's the problem with Papadoc. Shandapal and Dutty Borkman. These people and people like this had kind of,

there was this thing called voodoo, which had developed over the course of the slave trade because it was a different African religions. Well, there was lots of different folk tribal religions in West Africa. And then little bits of it survived the journey over. So it's sort of like a bastardization of that blended. But it married with French Catholicism.

Yes. And I think you think it's voodoo anyway. Yes. So to you, it's all nonsense, really. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me. You think the Eucharist is voodoo? Yes. They're waving incense around.

They're drinking wine. They're having a biscuit. It's not a real biscuit. Like, it's nonsense. No, you should sit in a classroom and be quiet. Yes. That's what churches should be like. Anyway, a famous voodoo ceremony in 1791 is often described as the catalyst for the slave uprising

that eventually leads to Haitian independence. So they get fired up, basically. It fires them up. Yeah. But white slave owners generally see them as kind of nonsense

so they kind of they go, they let them have it. Right. But on the night of the 14th of August 1791, a group of enslaved Africans

gather in a forest near, we don't know where. Near a port. You've placed it. They know where it is. They know exactly where it is. There's a forest near a port.

Yeah. Well, are you ever been to Haiti? Listeners? Of course you haven't. It's the shittestest place in the world. So shut.

Not my word. He hardly wants to pull back, but it's statistically the shit's place. Statistically, by any metric. But then if you're Haitian and we're wrong, do messaging. Ring in, let us know. Yeah, maybe all of those studies were wrong. So the voodoo religious ceremony on the night of August 14th, they used that to plan a revolt against the French plantation owners. This is where Dutty Bookman and Sessel Fatteman involved.

They headline, they dropped some sick songs. Used to be a Sessel Fatti man, didn't you? Unless I got high. And then I got high. And then I got ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That's fat man's scoop, who will come into this score. Sure.

Anyway, no, it wasn't. That was, that was, I got my thing. That's Eddie Grahn. That's Afro-Man. Afro-man. Fuck. Fat-man scoop. All the chicken heads, be quiet.

That one, that's Fat Man Scoot. They supposedly sacrificed a black pig to the spirits, and they didn't drink its blood. And in the days that follow, all the plantations erupted and revolt. They set the slaves free. And this starts the Haitian Revolution. Yeah.

Which, as we've said... It's the only successful slave revolt. Yes, ever. Ever. And in 1804, Haitian becomes the first free black republic. It's also the first free nation in the Western Hemisphere after the USA. Crazy. Crazy stuff.

It's the largest slave uprising since Spartacus. I'm bookman. I'm Dutty Bookman. I'm Dottie Bookman. No, I'm Doddy. book, man. Me, Spartacus! Anyway.

No backlift on that one. No. Rinaldini against Chelsea. But independence came at a cost. Now, this is very, very funny. France, the country who had been their masters, they ask for reparations. Because they have had their slaves taken away.

They have. So when we talk about slave reparations, we never hear about the case for the reparations on the other side, which is that you've ruined our economy. Well, you think Haiti should still pay some reparations? to France. I think if we're in the discussion

about slave reparations, there are two sides to that coin. It's a day, it's a can of worms opening that, isn't it? Now, Haitia is diplomatically isolated. It's economically fucked because France, I think pretty quickly. I mean, they never had a chance to be fair to Haiti.

And for some reason, they pay all these reparations. But what they've left in Haiti is this sort of structure where 90% of people are like originally black Africans. And then you have this sort of 10% elite class of, light-skinned. So it's called mulatto, which is not a politically correct term. Do you know why? Why? Because it comes from the Spanish for mule. Okay. So it's horses and donkeys, i.e. white and black people mixing. So it's pretty un-PC-staffed. Yeah. You're taking that. You put it on your pocket. That'll come out later. Yeah. Yeah. Bank. So the light-skinned elite dominate commerce, education. And were the light-skinned elite, were they also enslaved?

I don't think so. I think they were, of the civil service. Right. Right. Fine. Now, seeking export revenue, the leaders forced the peasants back into plantation work. So it's basically slavery in another name. So basically it was like, we freed ourselves. We still need to make money.

That coffee's on who's picking, no? That's basically. But it's similar to... But it's supporting black business, though. Yeah, it's the black pound. Yeah. Yeah. But do you remember in the Russian Revolution series where they abolished serfdom and then they

basically say to the serfs, you now, you bought your freedom with money you didn't have? you have to pay that loan back back to work. It's that. It's slavery versus indentured servitude. Is that what that is? Now, politically, Hashi has, is, and to this day, is still a binfire. Right, yeah. Presidents are assassinated, overthrown, mutilated.

It's probably the most violent place in the world. Yeah, is that maybe all Belize or something. And this is the world into which our protagonist, Francois de Valle. The hero of the story is born. So he's born in April the 14th, 1907. By the way, the leader of the Slaver Revolt, who was that? Who was the big guy? Jean-Jacques Desiline is the leader.

He got ripped apart in Town Square, I believe. Yes, in fed to pigs. In three years' time. He frees the country from slavery, and then that country then feed him to the pigs. Yeah. It's a tough start. It's a tough start. Yeah.

Now, Francois duvalier is born on April 14th, 1907 in Porte-Prince. which is the capital of Hoshi. His father is a teacher and a journalist and a justice of the peace and his mother is a baker, but he's largely raised by his aunt Madame Forstal. Okay.

Now, from childhood, De Valleys absorbs this brutal lesson that you only really get power in Haiti if you're fucking mad. Yeah. So by age six, he'd already seen multiple heads of state die violently.

The founding fathers, as you said, they've been fed to the pigs. Other leaders are blown apart, impaled, poisoned. one of them was blown up. I think a president is impaled and just left on the spikes outside the government buildings.

If you were going to do that to Starma, what would be your choice? Of what? Of killing him. Yeah. I don't know. He sort of, I mean, he's such, he's just so bland and,

you just smother him with a pillow. Blow him up? Blow him up? Pump him until he explodes. Oh, I see, right. Yeah, yeah. Bike a pump. Inflate him.

Yeah. Right. Now, in 1915, the US Marines occupy Haiti because there was a general, geopolitical anxiety about the Germans in the Caribbean. Oh, so they're anxiety? Can you imagine... So there's mental health thing.

Germans in the Caribbean? Blood clad. Sorry, I was very excited for that. Yeah, I can see you. Yeah. How do you prep that? This morning I thought of that. This morning I thought of that and got very excited.

When else could you say that? No, it's true. Anyway. Blood clad. Blood clad. Yeah, imagine the German. I mean, yeah, Caribbean Hitler. What could have been?

E. Man. The Anglifstein of our Biffithet. It's hard to do. Caribbean downfall's hard. You're an idiot. Eremen, brodie. Ere main camp. Anyway, yeah, they think the Germans are going to get involved in the Caribbean.

Really, they use as an excuse to just fart Haiti over. They even only hire Marines from the ex-Confederate States. So they choose specifically incredibly racist. Who are the worst people we know? Who's the most races are the racists? And so the reality is a racist of military occupation that lasts for 19 years. There's massacres. Black Haitians are subjected.

And what does it mean just anxiety? They're just scared that, I don't know, someone's going to take. Because World War I is a global naval war. They just think that I don't know what the Germans have been. doing to I don't know just being anxious that anxiety

but there are beatings there are forced labour heavy taxation roads are built with unpaid labour under armed guard the sovereignty is essentially destroyed

this is a Duvalier hates the US for a young age now when the Americans withdraw in 1934 Duvalier he's from a middle class

family as with all the greatest cunts in history they're always they've always middle class yes in like a fucked country

they'll have like the biggest shed Yeah. DeValle graduates as a doctor. He worked in hospitals and he becomes closely associated with black nationalist intellectuals who promote noirism, which is the belief that Haitian's problem stemmed from a domination by a light-skinned elite. So it's kind of black populism. Yeah. Not a certain of the population of black. Yeah. So it's about, yeah, trying to give power back to that. So he also immerses himself in voodoo, which is Haitian. That's ground zero. That's ground zero. over voodoo. Yeah.

Now obviously, as white westerners, we see voodoo as like scary, spooky black magic. But it's everything. That's one part of voodoo. Yeah.

It is a part of it. I mean, you see like clips of black people reacting to magic. Yeah. I mean, there's an element of that. Yeah,

definitely, of course. What's amazing about voodoo is it's sort of religion where they've purposely try to spook themselves. It's like, yeah.

Most religions that it's got built this whole kind of moral framework. For them, it's just like, what's going to freak you about you out the most. Oh, uh,

uh, You're going to church to get scared. So, like, mysticism and authority are sort of deeply linked. This is an idea in Haiti that to be president, you must have done a deal with the devil. Right. Which I feels like a bad starting point for kind of, you know, legitimacy of power. Yeah, exactly. So he studies public health at the University of Michigan.

There is this thing called yours. Charlie, can you Google yours? It's a disease that affects children. plainly. Yeah, it's pretty fucked actually. It's pretty messed up. Let's have a look. Yeah, it's like,

it's a tropical infection of the skin, bones and joints caused by a bacteria. Disease begins with a round, hard swelling of the skin. It's like an ulcer. It's sort of, is it like a bowler-esque? Yeah.

The bones become misshapen. The bone is more blood, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty not. It's pretty nasty stuff. And this is rattling through Haiti, right? Ripping through the middle order.

through them. Yours is steaming in and the Haitians got no answers for it. But Papadoc gets this name, Duvali gets his name Papadok because he

gets penicillin from the US and travels on foot through all the remote villages and curing thousands of people. It's pretty good. And so to the Haitians unfamiliar with modern medicine

they seem kind of miraculous. This is when he gets the name Papa Doc. And he also, this is where he starts to see the kind of reality of Haitian society. Outside of the city,

how different rural Haitians. And also he realizes how important voodoo is to, yeah, normal Haitians. So he then enters government under President de Marseille Estime, serving as Director of Public Health.

But his rhetoric starts to grow increasingly racially charged. But his race is racially charged against mixed race people. Interesting. Which is funny that we, there's never any racism just about mixed race people, is it?

Yeah, I mean there's From the white perspective anyway No, I mean you can see this There's the light-skinned Dark-skinned Is it called colourism? Yeah, there's a lot of dialogue going on there That basically

Yeah, there's a lot of dialogue going on there Like-skinned have it easy Yeah, colourism is a... Yeah, I think that's within the black community And then I've noticed on TikTok It's basically implying that light-skinned are sort of like corny and gay Right, that's sort of like Drake

Okay Do you know what I mean? Yeah So there's a bit of that going on But then I think there's colourism within the white community in the Italians

Yeah Or even Gingas So Now in 1950 Estime is overthrown Duvalier Opposes

Looks like you Charlie Sorry Tyler just started in white Muslim ginger And it looks like Exactly like you Yeah

If you've not seen If you've never seen Charlie Look at the screen That's what he looks like They're all look like you They're all different people That's who we've got

Behind the screen It's Muslim Al Yal Yakh Mohammed Al-Ail Al-Avah Al-Avah Alanu Akbar Yeah, that's you That's crazy

That's crazy So do that Did you just do your flyer? Yeah, yeah Christ This happens Nearly every episode Really?

Yeah, I never read You started with your wang out Yeah But your wang is so below average That it takes you Half an hour to go Oh yeah My dick's out

Well, if your If your flies run done Is your dick just flopping out Yeah But there is the thing Apparently white Muslims They're mostly ginger Most white guys who go

most white guys who go Muslim because they're already ostracized from kind of white culture. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's a thing. Yeah, it makes sense. White Muslim ginger stats.

I think most of us are because they empathize with being racially abused. Well, I can't tell you, but it's a thing. Redheads are attracted to Ginger jihadis. Redheads are attracted to radical Islam

but that's not Islam, is it? No. Is that written by Miley Uninopolis? That is written by Mali Uninopolis. I know that guy I've shown. dude. Okay. So this is the problem

is that Charlie's just citing Milo Unopolis's theories. Have you been keeping up today with Miloianopolis? He's back. I mean, he was a huge thing when I was at uni.

He was like, he was the original kind of like he was the original and I imagine he's pissed off because everyone's stolen his act. Yes, totally. Like,

Milianopolis did all this shit first. Yeah. But then his big flaws is that he wrote a book and he could say anything and the right would still like him. He wrote a book saying that he was glad

he got molested and it was very productive. and that's the one thing right don't fuck with. They get me funny about that. Pidos. You can't get them on the Pido side. And then he fucking like tried to lobotomize himself or something to make him straight. I saw him doing an interview with Tucker Carlson, recently where he's saying that he's gay but being gay isn't a thing.

No, no, he was gay. Right. And it's a trauma response to being molested. Right. And then he's like, now I'm straight and I'm doing it. And he's literally gone cross-eyed and looks like the most fucked. He's like, now it's brilliant, now I'm straight. He's terrifying.

And also he's still so. camp. He went to, he went to, he went to, he went to, he was at Cambridge with them,

and they were all like, that's the guy's fucking insane. Yeah. That guy's fucking gay. That guy's fucking gay. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. But yeah,

but he's back now. He's missed it. He's missed the golden age of his own personality. Estimates overthrown in 1950. And listen, there'd be a lot of Haitians

that are overthrown. It's something like, in 50 years, there's about 69 revolutions. Let's compare a belt. You find your way on the throne. You get thrown out the window. It's a sushi train.

It's the circular life. The Haitian presidents. Yeah. The best way to ensure a long life in Haitia is to not serve an office and to leave. In the previous 70 years, only one Haitian leader had completed a full term. There you go. Estimates overthrown in 1950. So Duvalia opposes this coup, leaves the government.

He then starts reading. As he said, in a country and no one reads, if you're someone who reads, you can take over the whole place. Because the stuff he reads is... One book you can take over the whole place. But he reads Machiavelli and he goes, this is fucking pretty. And he gets obsessed with the idea that in power, you don't have to be loved, you have to be feared.

So this is when... You know, he reads a 400-year-old Italian book and he's like, oh, I get it now. Yeah, easy. So by 1954, he's sort of become the central opposition figure. He goes underground. You know, rural Haitians love him because he gave him penicillin. Yeah.

They think maybe he's a magician. can we do it like can we make our own voodoo can you like to come up with your own voodoo do you mean like a curse yeah I assume someone who practices voodoo I think you could probably freak him out quite easily you roll your eyes in the back of head and say

I curse you but like speaking in tongues is kind of Christian voodoo isn't it but is that from a Christian basis or is that coming from other places it's from a Christian basis but we use the word voodoo to describe something that to us sounds like spooky, ghost story

like Wackadoo. They're not using it in that way. To them it's their religious framework. But to us, because we watched the film Live and Let Die, with Baron Samaday, is a character in this story, funny enough. We think it's kind of tarot cards, snakes, getting needles and poking voodoo.

It's Wackadoo medicine. What would make more sense is if the Catholic priests had voodoo sex dolls or something. That probably would be like, you have good ideas. It probably would be a good idea. Because then you're molesting kids without, actually. But you need to make sure the voodoo doll's not attached to a kid.

Yes. The sex voodoo doll means that there's someone on the other end, right? Yeah, but then you're molesting them. But you're molesting them without me. Yeah, you can't remote work molest. No, but you're molested them without actually, molest them, aren't you? No, they're still getting molested. Well, not, but are they?

Yeah, they can feel it. Or are they just coming? No, the kids aren't coming. Who said kids? You did. Okay, fine. Oh, no, maybe you didn't. Yeah, molest.

I don't think I did. You can molest an adult. I think that was implied and you say it'd be good if priests have voodoo sex stalled. So you're saying, fine, let's say they're not kids, it's a voodoo sex doll for Catholic priests who are horny and not allowed to have sex.

Yeah. And so they'll just be a woman walking down the street and then her tits are getting honked the whole time and that's fine. Just like imaginary honked. Yeah, in her head. She'll feel like they're being honked. But I feel like that's a bit invasive

if you're just having your tits honked the whole time. Because what if she's in a job interview and she's just having her tits being honked. But it's not. But you're saying, You'd probably fucking love it. So what you're saying is more brilliant. I guess what I'm saying is...

It's not molesting. If they don't know they're being molested by a voodoo sex doll, then are they actually being molested? God, this is really embarrassing. They go bright red, it feels like someone's holding my tits. Do you know what it is? You know that film? I don't remember we watched this right at the start of the podcast.

That guy who has hundreds of orgasms a day who was like going to his father's funeral and like, oh. It would not surprise me if there's a voodoo sex style. of him. There's a guy just going like that on a doll

and he's like, oh! Yeah, but he's not having a good time. No, I know, but is he being molested? I guess that's the philosophical question. If there was a voodoo doll

of him, then yes, he is being molested. No, but if he doesn't know he's been molested, is it the perfect crime? It is the perfect crime, but he is being molested.

I don't, I don't know. Is that like if a tree falls in the woods? Still, it's a molest. It's molesting in the eye of the victim or the eye of the, Do you know what I mean? But you just want me able to get on with your day

if you're just... I'm not saying it would be a good thing to do. I'm just saying, is it technically... No, what you're saying is, could I get away with it? It's better than game bummed. It's better than game bummed. Yes. Virtual bumming.

Yeah, but then it's that fucking... If a boy gets bombed in the woods because no one's there to bum him, does he really get bummed? It feels like... Exactly what it is. This is really weird. It feels like someone's bummed. What are you bumming you right now?

Because it really feels like I'm getting... From next door. God, this is really strange but it really feels like there's a cock in my heart and doctors are like, you're fucking crazy about it. But you probably just think there was

something wrong with your like... Yeah, you definitely would. What's the sensation of having a cock in your bum? You're asking the wrong person, Charlie. First guess isn't like there's a man bumming me from like in Mayorka. That's what I mean.

That's what I mean about... He's just living the high life. On holiday. He's living in New Yorker, Brit abroad. Anyway, we're talking about the president of Hashi in the 50s.

In 1957, Duvalier becomes president. We've barely started this timeline. He wins the president on the 22nd of September and he's inaugurated on October 22nd.

Right. His lucky number is the 22nd. That comes into play a bit. There's a lot of... This is probably the most suspicious or superstitious

place in the world almost. Yeah, definitely. Everything is superstitious. Yeah. So that number is important. Anyway, barely a year into his tenure, there is a small yacht crossing the waters of Porta Plants Bay with eight men on board, five Haitian exiles and three Americans.

The Haitians are former soldiers that were loyal to the previous regime. They are convinced that Duvalé's hold on power is shallow, and the army would switch sides. Right. Bear in mind there are eight of them. Three Americans as well. Interesting. So disguised as tourists, the men land just,

north of the capital. So what's that? Like fanny pack? Yeah, Hawaiian shirt. Yeah, big sippy car. They begin unloading their weapons and they believed that they were like, secrecy was on their side. But local peasants saw them landing, alert the authorities,

and then Haitian soldiers start just gunning them down on the beach. Now, the rebels manage to escape inland. They seize a military jeep. They go to these big barracks that are next to the big Haitian presidential palace or whatever. They overpower some guards inside the barracks. they kill several soldiers. Now, rumors are racing through Port-au-Pranter there's a major invasion. Right.

But it's fucking eight people. Which is kind of amazing. Yeah. I've never heard of a coup with eight people. Eight people. I mean, there's four of us in this room right now. Yeah. That's hot.

I mean, our whole team here today, we're almost eight people. It's basically our saying, should we just fucking... Should we just give it a fucking go? Should we just go and take over Sadiq? Should we go punch one of the Queen's Garden in the face? See what happens. Yeah. So the rebels are led by a man called Pasquee,

and he attempts to rally senior officers by telephone but no one's answering what happens is a rebel in the barracks they sent a captured soldier out to buy cigarettes he never comes home he's 50s so he doesn't come over

that man turns out to be Duvalier's personal driver so he runs straight to the palace and tells the president there's only eight of them and they just sent him out trusting that he would I mean it's yeah

it's absolutely crazy so now Duvalier acts with complete ferocity. He evacuates his family. He puts a military uniform on. He gets the camos on. He gets a handgun. He goes goblin mode.

Yeah. He then orders everyone loyal to him to surround the barracks. Dahl on 29th July, government troops storm the compound. They slaughter the rebels. And that man, Alex Pasque, his son's ex-wife,

goes on to marry Papadoc's son. Interesting. He's called Baby Doc, which we'll get into. Now, what they do. as a result of this, what Duvalier does is he realizes that as long as there's an army with guns, he's always going to be at risk

because that's what's happened in Haiti for the last, how many hundreds of years. So he makes his own paramilitary force called the Tonton Makut. Which is an ogre in voodoo folk tales. Yeah, Uncle Gunny sack. Right.

Who's going to come and steal your kids and eat them for breakfast. Yeah, it's terrifying. It's a mythical bogey man who roams at night, abducting, misbehaving children. Jesus Christ. Stuffs them into a sack and carries them away and eats them for breakfast. So that's what McCut is a gunny sack.

That's terrifying. It's like a demon. puts kids in a sack. Now, the Ton Tonin Makut, they look fucking cool. They all wear sunglasses. Yeah. And they wear suits. And they look like gangsters that have died and then come back to life as like zombie

gangsters. Right, right. The way they hold their guns, they're just walking around with like, they're just guns like, they're not like shouldered arms or anything. They're just walking around with these huge rifles. They got aviators on, I thought, and then like, fedoras. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's our, it's our fans. Yeah. And the Tantan-Ton-McCout. The truth is, that's what I should call the patron. The Tont-Ton-Tacut. It's just walking around in suits with fedoras and sunglasses. Right. Now, I, this morning, I discovered, I've watched a bit of this guy's stuff before.

In the 60s, there was a British journalist called Alan Wicker, who made a show called Wicker's World. Right. And it is like a racist, Anthony Bordane. And it's, I mean, it's amazing. Like, you know, it's travel shows when they used to actually write travel like essays and then do a voiceovers about them. Yeah.

But I just want to play a couple of minutes about it. This is what he says about Hashi. With dusty, crumbling elegance, with curlicus and excrescences and peeling paintwork, it's a titty, charming backdrop to the primitive capital of the poorest country in the world. Sounds like ours. The sick sweet stench of a lush and rotting land.

Six sweet stench. He's turned on by it. I know. It's hard for living here. I'm so glad I don't live here. He gets horny now. The women are perhaps the most appealing of the Caribbean. Now it's just loads of topless, topless bits of women.

Most appealing of the Caribbean. Yeah. The cadence. The women are the most appealing are the Caribbean. Shoes are an unthinkable luxury. The women are the most appealing of the Caribbean. It's crazy to be there going like, this is the shithplains. Women are fit, though.

Fuck me. Yeah, these just, they're just blokes in suits with hair. The way they're carrying their guns, though, it's crazy. Just so casual. Fucking massive machine guns. The Ton Ton Makoot are they're basically... Just granddad's holding a gun and just walking through town. But there's a guy who he employs who...

I can't know what his name is, but he goes and gets all the criminals, rapists, just like the worst people in society. Gives them a gun and says, as long as you're loyal to Duvalier, you can do whatever. you want. Genius.

Laws don't apply to you and just don't, just don't get in our way, basically. And then the Tonson Tum Makut becomes more powerful than the army. Yeah. He takes guns away from the army. Yeah. So the army are in uniform, sweating. Yeah. Because there are just all these geysers with massive guns.

Look at them. They look pretty swag to, yeah. It's pretty cool. No, so the army have just got knives. That's all they've got. So the Tonton-Macut specialize in exemplary violence. It's absolutely exemplary. Night raids.

They just take people from their beds. public executions, they hang them from trees, dump them in streets, severe beatings and mutilation, they burn people alive, they stone them, hack them to death with machetes, that's a black guy with the Hitler-Tash, lovely stuff. That's good stuff. Now, in 1961, the first female MPs were elected to Haiti's parliament, one of them is Madame Max Adolf. I'm listening.

What are you saying, Madame? Madame Adolf. Adolf becomes the right-hand. woman to Papadoc. She had been working as a low-ranking officer in the Tonton Makoot, but she gets promoted to the position of warden at Fort DeMontch, Fort Sunday.

Sounds lovely. It's not. She is, quote, creative with genital mutilation. It's important to explore your own creativity. Creative. Doing like a little bow or something. Like a balloon animal,

but with his dick. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, I guess I was more thinking, like, you know, when you're going down the woman and you say she would spell out the alphabet. But she's doing that. Yeah. She's making like a little kind of rabbit out of his knob. Well, she's Jackson Pollocking his cock and balls. His bollocks.

Yeah. Jackson bollock. Pollocking is bollocks. There you go. It was right there. She reportedly burns a woman alive who's accused of being her husband's mistress. But she does also receive monthly rent from US Special Forces for the use of her compound. She's not supporting other women.

Is that her? No. I don't think that is her, no. She's later promoted. Is that her? Is that her? She looks like Anzang Choo-Chi or whatever. What's that lady's name?

I don't think she looks anything like Anzang-Suchy. No. No. Okay. These of them look British. I think that's the only thing. Yeah. It's not Carol of Orderman.

No. I mean, if it's... Borderman? No. Madame. Right. Not Carol Borderman. We haven't covered the Namibian politician Adolf Hitler. We haven't

I mean my inbox is absolutely stuffed for. We're just to stop people sending it to us. We do need to get a take on that. Do you want to get Adolf Hitler up? Yeah, we haven't placed this either. We haven't placed this. Christ. Well, he comes to power in 1957. 57. Right.

So it's after Adolf Hitler the German and it's before Adolf Unona Hitler, the Namibian politician who, yes, he is a Namibian politician who's called Adolf Hitler because his father heard that Hitler was a big thing, but that seems to be all the herd. An input named after, so what's his name, Adolf Hitler, Unana. Wow.

Elected last week as councillor for the Ompuchunda constituency. Yeah, he's said something about this as well. In an interview with German newspaper, he insisted he had nothing to do with Nazi ideology. I mean, it's... As a child, I saw it as a totally normal name. It's... Change your name, though. I'll tell you what it is.

He's won a lot. He's also quite successful politicians. I'll tell you what it is. It's Guy Gomer, Hitler. Yeah. He turns up, like, you're called out of Hitler. No, no. But also, maybe it was a German colony.

I did that. You knew it? Pretty gnarly stuff. It's early Nazis, really. Yeah, yeah. Natsies before Nazis. South West Africa, it was called, the German colony. Anyway.

Nauty. They were pretty naughty down there. They made up for lost time. It's all into the Belgians. Yes, they did. Anyway, in February 1959, Castro sees his power in Cuba, turning the island into a communist state, and this completely transforms Duvalier's position

because suddenly he could be a bulwark against communism. So the United States who are terrified of losing another Caribbean nation towards communism, they start tolerating him and then actively funding him. They give him loads and loads of money, and he just basically just takes it all himself. obviously. And he funds his personal guard.

That's like a... He needs money to fund the tontoe. Well, yeah, they need their fedoras. Of course. And Americans come in and train the Tonton Makoot. So it's basically the mob running Haiti at this point. Now, in May 1959, Papadok suffers a massive heart attack.

Now he is a diabetic who doesn't control his diabetes very well. Yeah. And he suddenly collapses. It may have been an incident over dose. So massive is often put in front of heart attack. Yes.

So is there a small, do you have like, can you have like small heart attacks? Yeah. Like, just like a little, oof. Yeah. So a massive one, it just, it's gone. You can have mini strokes. Right. Or you can have, quote, stroke like event.

Sure. Like my nan currently is having about 12 stroke like events a day. Well, like the person who comes all the time. Yeah, but she's Presbytero. She's just wearing them off, you know. Whatever. Fuck off. Oh, I have, yeah.

She's now permanently smug. Beethoven's son. Beethoven's brother, yeah. He is, his life is saved by God who injects him with glucose. So it could have been an instant overdose. Anyway, he, oh, that's Clement Barbot, who is also the guy that runs the Tonton McCut, I think? No.

He's his mate. Right. I don't know. I don't know. The boughs, right? Hey? The bouts. Yeah.

What is it, Charlie? Is Tinton a, um, Tenton McGoo? It's the Tinton McCut. It's not the Tuntunton. Tudun is a fanny. Yes, it is. Yeah. Uncle Percy on the Rated 18 podcast calls Fanny.

Tenton. Tuntun. Yeah, it's not Tunton. No. But Tunton is one of the best names for Fanny, I think. No one says it anymore. I like Tunton. Yeah.

I think they do. I like Mucky Tintin. They're not in our social circle. Wash your Tuntun out. Yeah. Tinton's the best. I think any... Guy trying to appear straight.

No, no. Tuntun is my favorite. Pum-Pum. Pum-Pum. Pum. Pum. Any word, if you just double up, any word it's just like it means fanny

Bin bin bin In our man Nah she not wash our bin bin It works Yeah I mean they all work Don't they Anyway sorry

Clemon Barbo is his chief aide And he's also He's the first leader Of the Tonton Macu Right He's the Tintun General He's the Tintan general He's the general

Tund in a fedora This is what our fans are I'm actually the general of all Tuntun I can summon the spirits of the Tonton If we took over in our coup We had to arm the patron To do what they want

In fedora and sunglasses Just walking around They don't just spend all their money On fucking Warhammer models There'd be a shortage of cobalt blue paint though Anyway Duvalier goes into a diabetic coma For eight or nine hours

Nine hours But he survives And much like Caligula, he emerges Verdeferra. Hey, man. Yeah, he emerges China. Hey, waguan, man.

Hey, waguan, hey, brother. Yeah, he's no longer his sane, rational, reasonable self. No. Say goodbye. Oh, what a ton to my coo. Hey. He emerges with his

foreign accent button, push down. So someone who arguably already had brain down. Now it's triple helpings. He's doubling down on the brain damage. Well, I think they actually do think he got proper brain damage. Yeah, he got brain damage. Yeah.

From after, so the next 10 years of his reign. Yeah. He's, yeah. No more Mr. Normal guy. No more than that guy. So Duvalier seems to interpret the event in kind of metaphysical terms. He feels like he has stared death in the face and returned.

And in a country that's steeped in all the voodoo nonsense or, well, I mean, whatever. I can't just call it that. In a country who's steeped in voodoo nonsense this matters profoundly. So he feels like he's crossed a threshold and because it,

for a guy that had cured the country with penicillin, he seems to completely forget about the concept of medicine and says it was proof of his destiny. So he starts to begin as someone who believed that he was protected by forces beyond the material world.

He stops ruling as a politician and starts ruling as a myth. A voodoo god This is kind of as far from Keir Stama as you can be as elite. I think so. I think so. I think so. The least voodoo.

Yes. Politician. There's no myth. There's no story. It's so material world. I mean, I guess his father was a toolmaker is much. My father was a toolmaker. It's not really.

No, it's really not voodoo. It's not elevating you to sort of godlike status. Are you saying Kemi Baddanox vood? Is that what you were saying? No, I'm not saying that. I am saying she's more voodered than Keir Stama. I'll stand by that. I would agree.

I would agree. But so. Blair's more voodoo. He's Catholic. He's got a manifest destiny. Yeah, yeah, totally. I'd say that the Lib Dems are not very voodoo. No, but I think Starmoor is the least voodoo. Yes.

Of all British Prime Ministers probably. So Papadoc's going to get a new hat. And when he's wearing that, all hell's going to break loose. He's like Jamiriqui. Yes. He's the closest to Jemirai of any world leader, Papadoc. Now, in our next episode, we will deal with The man, the myth, the legend.

And how did Papa Doc actually kill JFK? That's in our next episode. That's already on the Patreon. We have for £3 a month. You too can be a member of our Tintan Makoot. Tintan Makut. Join the Tintan Makoot. Yeah, get your fedora on your shades on and wreak havoc.

But if not, we will see you on Thursday for the finale of our Papa Doc series. Goodbye. Goodbye.