Fin vs History - Don't Topple Statues, Wedgie Them | Captain Cook & The First Fleet (Part 1)

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

How did Captain Cook, the so-called founding father of White Australia and a boring map dweeb with an ugly wife, end up getting cancelled as the symbol of colonialism? Order your Fin Taylor Christmas Crackers at comedycrackers.co.uk The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor CHAPTERS: 00:00 Australia is Marbella  06:59 Not Spending Any More Time On It 13:52 Pastry Chasers  18:43 Cook King 22:46 The Seven Years' War 27:17 The Hydrographer 30:41 A Real Plant Botherer 37:36 Landfall in Tahiti  44:41 Wifebeating Ground Zero 47:50 Raisins, all of them Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Get full-sized favorites and must-have minis, bundled for more value. Shop before they're gone, in-store online at Sephora.ca. History beside me is Horatio Gould. Oh, no! Today we're talking about Australia. Australia. Captain Cook, let him cook. Yes, let him cook, please.

Let's not be cooked. We are in Australia, the great social experiment. Too early to tell if it's worked. To me, in my mind, it is, what happens if you send a thousand Irish rapists to the other end of the world? For a thousand Connor McGregor's. Can they build a country?

The jury's still out, as far as I'm concerned. A thousand Conne McGregors, boarded as ships, 255 years ago, odd. Now, we're recording this the week that the ashes starts. So I really want to... Prisoners versus the guards? I really wanted to get involved.

Ding, ding, ding. I really wanted to get involved. You know me. There's nothing I like more than seeing a festering cultural wound and just going, what's going on there, just digging around in it.

And I can't think of a country lesser ease with its past than Australia. So them compared to Canada, similar sort of Canada was very effective in just getting rid of absolutely everyone so there's not much

backlash There's not many reminders There's just Justin Trudeau saying people kind That's all you've got And he's now dating Katie Perry So I mean Who cares really

Who gives a fuck Who gives a fuck? I'd say that To invite me I have to date to Katie Perry Do you know what I mean? Yeah I'd say a bunch of fucking nonsense

about people kind If it means I date Kate Perry Sure fine Fuck it Pound it in Whatever Yeah I've been to Australia many times

And it's Aboriginal people as a constant reminder of... And they're also, they're all, they're basically all homeless and drunk and on the street and it's so obviously a two-tier country that, and they really hate it. I mean, they also do this thing called a land recognition. Yeah, recognize.

Not that. All right. Real, recognize real? Sort of. It's called a welcome to country. This is land acknowledgement, right? You're acknowledging. Kind of, yeah. But what's crazy is that it's now at every level of culture over there where I wouldn't have been done the Melbourne Comedy Festival,

several times. You go out there and before you go on, you know, you play your pre-show music that you've designed to hype the audience up to your act. Yeah. They fade that out. Trial of the will. They fade the wheel. Deutsche under the Rallis. Everyone's really, it's just going to look a bit. What's all this fucking bollets? And they fade it down. They fade the lights down. And then they go, by the way, remember when we killed everyone that used to live here. Is this a DJ with the mics? Sort of. There's a genocide. We're really very sorry. You're all guilty. You're guilty by association. Anyway, now it's time for some comedy.

And it's one of the most energy sapping things that you can do. I mean, it's like before you go on stage, you go, statistically someone's probably getting raped in the world today. But it's like... Anyway, Horatio Gould. Yeah.

It's crazy. But it's something very Protestant about like, you'll never, you're all sinners. You'll never overcome it. That's Catholic, isn't it? No, the Protestant thing is it's all predetermined, right? Well, Calvinist, right? That, you know, all the sins are going to happen

and you're unsavable. get on with it. But I don't think you need to say that you bottle it up. It's kind of that vibe. This whole country is an evil mistake. Anyway, let's go on with the laughs then. There's nothing you can do about it and you're the problem and it's your fault. Anyway. Yeah, but it's just crazy.

It's so mad how it seeps into every level. They're so ill at ease with themselves in a very hilarious way. I mean Germany is more comfortable with its past than Australia. But it has a past. Australia barely has a past. That's part of the problem is that it's like if Germany was founded by the Nazis.

Yes. Then it would be, sorry. Tempt me. In many ways, in many ways it was actually. No, but it's, I mean, I guess, yeah, like. They have a lot to, there's a lot of, in the broad scheme of things. To fall back on. Australia has no culture to fall back on.

Which is one of the great iron, why is there an opera house there? It's hilarious. It's like there being an AA house in the island. Yeah, but they're just giving it a go. I don't know. It's not full. Did you retry that? Yeah.

It's basically just a fucking landmark. It's not an actual working opera house. The Australian opera is throwing a shoe to dog in a car park. That's what they watch. Aussie rules football, whatever it's called. Yeah, I guess from the German perspective, the Holocaust is a bad 12 years. Sure.

Whereas in Australia, I mean, to be fair, they have been, they've had their throat on the, they've had their foot on the Aboriginal throat for up until about the 90s, really. It was when they just went, maybe should we think about whether we're doing it. I think until the 60s in many states, It was like government-mandated whack-a-mole.

Basic, Aboriginal people were legally classed as flora and fauna. Yes. So, to be fair, I guess it's more the present than it is the past that they're still unhappy about it. Yeah, because it was interesting. There's actually some quite like woke British laws about, you know, you've got to respect all the people you find. But then how they got around it is all the people you find, you class them as flora and fauna. They're mushrooms. That's a big mushroom.

That's a big mushroom. Why's that mushroom holding a spear? Those two mushrooms are fucking. What on earth is this country? That's basically, yeah. We love a loophole, the Brits, and that's how they got round. Australia is upside down land in many ways, because it is like it's Britain through a bizarre prism, right?

I mean, I've never been, but it's just all feels like everything is slightly off. It's crazy. Uncanny Valley, sort of. You're looking at yourself through a circus mirror, right? Sort of, in that it's like, it's the worst of Britain in a hot country. It's like if Marbea, if all foreign travel stopped. Right. And like Ibiza and Marbaea, they just had to form a country out of the people that were there on holiday.

Yeah. And that's Australia. Yeah. You know, it has no culture at all. Right. You know, they drink beers out of shoes and that's their custom. This is, sorry, I should say this is white Australia I'm talking about. Yes.

Obviously, Aboriginal Australia has all these cultures, but they've been completely wiped out. Yeah. I think the land acknowledgement thing is actually an Aboriginal, they used to do that because they were several different tribes. Right. And part of... Acknowledging like a Mother Nature type thing that this is... Yeah, I think the Aboriginal...

The Aboriginal woke bollocks. The Aboriginal woke bollocks. I think they call... It's genuinely called Dream Time. That's their worldview or their religion. It's called Dream Time. And it's... Yeah, it's like the...

So for us, Westerners, the creation happened in the past and like it's a progressive linear time. Yeah. For Aboriginal Australians, creation is constantly happening and you sort of interface with it through rituals.

and it's always like the it's about protecting the land how does that run up against well what I would say is that I wonder if I wonder if yeah I wonder if they've said that after all their land was taken yeah in that they go well actually we really care about this

yeah this is a religious oh right yeah oh sorry okay well then what we done is really but I don't know but today we're talking about Captain Cook the who is the kind of centerpiece of the culture war in Australia still yeah is he not there's lots of other guys who I think would be more prevalent, right?

The fucking... The fucking Chinese will? Yeah, that guy. Well, I just feel they'll be more like Cook's not the guy. Get your hand off my penis! What a wonderful culture there. Bob catering, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. You know, I'm not spending any more time

on it. Bob cantering. This is the long road to Bob catering. I mean, to be fair. You said there's no culture. A thousand blossoms bloom. Come on, this is, this is as good as it gets. This is Australia, yeah. This is Australia now. You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclimary. Loving it.

I mean, let there be a thousand... A lot of them shaking, is it? But I ain't spent any time, right? The two side of Australians. Every three months, a person is taught a pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.

Okay, poor, it's all right. What that's interesting is to show the two sides of Australia is, right? Shrimp on the Barbie. Let's genocide the aboriginal. But I'm not spending any more time on it. I've no thing I've ever seen a face, you turn quicker

than that man. Little tails and blossom I just put a little more time on it. Ho-haws, ho. Ho-ho! Ho-ho, truthers. Ho-slats. I'm just hopping on to tell you about my Christmas crackers this year.

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offers the same weekday travel flexibility from $30 for two people and up to $60 for five. Buy yours at go-transit.com slash tickets. Now, the concept of Australia, it's interesting. Right. Because Cook's not actually the first Westerner to get to Australia. The Dutch, right? The Dutch, but even before that, people have this sense. The Greeks have this sense that there's a land called Terra Australis, incognita, the Latin or unknown southern continent. So the word Australia comes from the Greeks fucking spitballing about something.

Yeah, it does, because I think there's a philosopher called Pettel. How do you pronounce it? How do you pronounce it's name? Potemoli, P.T. Oh, Ptolemy. Ptolemy. That's the one. Ptolemy thinks in whatever 1,000 BC that there is a, because they think the world is round

and because Northern Europe is so, there's so much of it that's what they know. They go, well, there must be a counterweight continent on the south otherwise the globe would just unfit and it would hurl into space. We'd all fly into the nether. I mean, they all wiping their ass with vases

at this point. Yeah, they don't know what's going on. Yeah, they're having a shit and they're chucking a vase on the floor, picking up the shards and wiping their ass. And today that's what they do at wedding for plates. Anyway, do they wipe their asses with the plates after they've... We can't know. We can't.

I've never been to a Greek wedding. And I imagine, after this podcast, I won't be invited to one, but I'd like to go. I'd like to see it. I'd have to be a fly in the wall. But there's this sense. People throughout the history

have this sense that there's, you know, there's something. There's some kind of barren wasteland where, you know, they put their ears to the ground. You said there's like an innate understanding of Australia.

There's some kind of southern continent where wife beating is integral to the culture. And you're just hearing, but I'm not swimming any rough, a lot of time. Oh, fuck, get fucked. You can hear-sucking Chinese meal You can sort of hear

This kind of distant Australian gibbering The call, the call for Australia The siren call Aw, oh no Now it was depicted on maps for centuries But this kind of huge blob where I guess Antarctica is now But how the Greeks come up with this? Because they barely know

about China, they barely know about the South of Africa No, because they sat on a chair And they look down and they go, well there's probably something down there Right, down there. Oh, right down there. I see right through the floor. Yeah, exactly.

Because that's where they're looking most of the time. Yes, because they're asleep. Not today. So it was depicted on maps for centuries, and, you know, its shape and size kind of changed and explorers charted more of the world. I believe there's a theory

that the Portuguese maybe found it first. But the Portuguese and the Dutch, the ones fucking around around there. Yeah, because they're all... Indonesia, all that sort of stuff. stuff yeah uh Portugal may have found it in 1550s but then a library burnt down or something okay and so no no no one knows but then there's a guy that stinks yeah it does smell um there's a guy called abel tasman is that what tasmania is named after yes because he's dutch he's that's why

new zealand's because zealand is a dutch word sea land okay i don't know what it means we don't know what old zealand is either no and so uh he finds that cause it new zealand and he originally he caused Australia or the bits he finds of Australia in New Holland yeah classic move but they think at this point this is in 1640 something

they think that Holland they think that Australia is like could stretch all the way to South America could be this big continent we should place this I know people will get annoyed so ultimately Cook discovers what you're discovered

and that's a very politically though I mean that's a short thing to say Cook founds white Australia there we go in 1770 see. Now, that is after pastry. What do you? Hold on. Puff pastry. Puff pastry. Fine. Pies are around. Is it, wait, let's sit puff pastry. When was puff?

1645. Thank you. Oh, okay. It's nice. It is before the quasson, which I'm pretty, I'm pretty sure it's early 20th century. Yes. Mid-90. That is a lovely. Oh, I've absolutely snooked that perfectly. And what I would like to say is that I do believe we are living through the golden era of the quasson. You're saying this? Yeah.

I think pastries will never go. This is how this era will be remembered. Right. The pastry era. The golden era. Yeah. Explain. It's just phenomenal what they're doing now.

I don't understand it. But when you say golden era, you feel like there's going to be a sort of decay. I feel like they can't, they can't top it. Yeah. The pastries they're making now. Yeah. They cannot get better than they are now. Because it's also like this social media arms race with how slutty can you make a pastry.

I mean, it's insane. The stuff they're doing. I mean, it's, yeah, it's amazing. It's like they've got NASA scientists. I buy it into it. I think, Christ, I shouldn't be looking at my wife. I feel like I'd be looking at porn and eating this. This is a disgrace.

There's custard. There's chocolate. I had, shout out, I was in Whitstable this weekend, went away to the weekend. A place called Blueprint Coffee. Right. I had the most disgustingly foul pornographic, and I mean it's in a good way. Chocolate Quasson I've ever had. So Japanese would be blurring the insides of this.

They'd be blurring the Quasset. And my mouth. Yeah. It was a disgrace how good it was. If you opened it up, it would be blessed. Well, yeah, and actually, I had to log in to eat it. You had to send a dick pick to Kirs-Darmer. Yeah, I'd send a picture of my dick to Kirstarmer to eat this quasson.

It was a disgrace how good it was. I genuinely... It's true. I mean, the pastries is getting better and better. I think it's in the last sort of ten years. I think there's been... Because I think, yeah, in the 80s, the best French pastry chef. I don't think that would even go anywhere near like an East London fucking wanky.

I wouldn't even qualify as Greg's. It'll be rubbish. Yeah, awful. but now I mean even like I go to my I've got an Aldi now below my building which is unbelievable Audi Express they have freshly baked and even that for 40p you're getting it I what I would like my

wife to smell like is if I could if I could make a cologne that she'd wear it would be when you walk into Liddle at 8am that smell of the pastries right put that on a little little pastry what are the puff if you be called Parfumed a little pastry I guess I don't really muck up out

with these things. Parfumed a croissant. Just freshly baked pastry. Little lady. Little lady. Little lady. It's a bit nonsense. I also heard,

you know, you know that little lady? You know that kind of slightly strange coffee guy who's got like three million subscribers with slightly stained teeth because he clearly drinks 15 cups a day? He says that we're living through the golden age of coffee and it can't go on. He says it's unbelievable. Coffee's basically unbelievably cheap is what he says.

Right. There's basically been an unbelievable exploitation of coffee beans. To get those wanky coffees that you complain about for four quid, he's like, though it should cost you 20 quid. So he said that that's coming to an end as well. Right. So it seems like basically enjoy your coffee and pastries now because we're living through a golden age.

We are living through a golden age. But it will come to an end? Yes, it will happen? And also I, but then I sort of wonder, is it because I'm a parent? And when you become a parent, you've become fat, because you just tired, so you just eat. And that's my dad tag.

The dad pastry obsession. The dad bod is built. I'm a pastry chaser. We came up with a slur for fat people, my wife and I. Right. Pasture Chaser. Because we had breakfast,

then we'd have a pastry chaser. at like an hour after it's because we're still hungry. Well, do you find, I feel like a quick breakfast, you are sort of snookered for something healthy. Because if I'm out and about, I'll just grab a quasson, but it doesn't seem like there's anything else. No.

And it doesn't set you up great for your day. No, no, no. I used to also think a plain quasson was basically like a slice of bread. I don't think it was bad for you. Yeah. I didn't realize that. I really, I thought, because it's got no chocolate in it,

it was just like, because I have a slice of toast. Relative to other quassons. Yeah. But it's just like a, A butterball. You're eating a stick of butter. Yeah.

Do you ever have chocolate for breakfast? What do you mean? I've done made that mistake once or twice. It's not good, is it? No, not good. It makes you feel like... Christmas Day, you eat your selection box, then you think, well, this day's ruined.

Yeah. I'd feel sad at like 9 a.m. Yeah, you do feel sad and kind of anxious. Because it's not... There is something about throwing the day in the canal before it's even begun. Yeah, with a pint. Pint on waking up is pretty.

When did you do that? Holiday, airport. Yeah. Yeah. But chocolate off the... chocolate's bleak off the post. I think no chocky before midday. And to be honest, no chocky probably before

two, three. Yeah. I think it's, but I think it puts you head in the bin. Anyway, what we were talking about, Captain Cook, who, yeah. Cooking. Cook King. I mean, he does cook.

He cooks, to be fair to be fair, he cooks more than anyone. He was born in Yorkshire on the 7th November, 17, whatever, 30 odd. His mother's called Grace Pace. That's quite a good name. It sounds like you watch for Paul Pot. but they're all just fucking rhyming.

Grace Pace is Paul Pace's personal assistant. Grace Pace. Good enough for a sprinter. Yeah. So, when he was 16. Or a really fat woman. Or a very, very fat woman. It would be quite funny.

That would be funny. Grace Pace Pace Tracer. Grace Pace for Tracer. Anyway, 1745, Cook moves to a fishing village to be a grocer. Yeah. And he's always, he's a sea botherer. He loves to see. He wants to get involved.

The reason why we've danced around this opening. Very boring. It's because it is quite dull. but we do need to set it up because the story is amazing but Cook is a dull Yorkshireman and there's no getting around it

and it's probably why he achieves so much is because he's very Protestant vibes I'm getting from him he is kind of like Francis Bourgeois for maps that's sort of what we're setting up wow

when he sees Australia so everyone's blaming this guy as if he's sort of Columbus he's this sort of like yeah or Cortez or no he is a boring British dad who loves maps.

Yeah. Yeah. He's the ultimate. It's like, I went to Australia. Oh, how'd you get there? Do you go M5M3? Like, he's obsessed with how you got places. And this is, he doesn't have a normal upbringing, I guess, because the people who normally

do this are lords, viscounts, etc., etc. But he is a pretty, has pretty humble beginnings. Yeah, it's social mobility, I suppose. He's, so he's working in a shop. Yeah. And he, one day he sees a coin in the till. Yeah. And it's a South Sea coin.

And the South Sea is what we'd now call the Pacific. Right. And so he goes, oh, he swaps it with one of his coins. And the shopkeeper's like, you nick that. He's like, no, I didn't. And then I think, is that the end of that story? It's very, very boring. That's kind of the key anecdote from his, that people bring up.

Yeah. And any podcast I listen to, they bring that up is like a really interesting thing. Yeah, it's not good. And in the film that there would be a scene about that. There's not been a film about him. That's how boring. Oh, fuck. Do you get these videos that Charles just brought up?

The North Sea was. I do sunnows. I get these. These are fucking. No. Yo. Yo. Oh.

Yeah. These are fucking terrifying. Oh, my word. Yeah. Bloody old. Why is the North Sea so match up? I mean, we are talking about the South Sea as well. Yeah, yeah.

So it is relevant. So we, no, we could maybe save this for when we do the North Sea. Yeah. But why is it so fucked in the North Sea? Why is that the one that's really mad? Well, lots of seas are mad. Yeah. Yeah, it depends on the season, I guess.

Theft is a big part of this story. Yeah. You're right. Maybe that's why, actually, they'd always talk about the coin. Yes. Because he got a taste for it. He did. And he's working at a growth.

So he sees mushrooms and he sees flora and fauna. Yeah. And that's also a part of this story. So his dad was Greg Wallace in the 80s. Yeah, basically. Yeah, exactly. So in 1752, or he starts, no, he starts, he's bothering with boats. He's a boat botherer. He's a boat botherer. Which is, again, it's not a slang for gay man.

His first assignment is aboard a collier called Free Love. But he, sorry, an interesting bit was that he got, basically, it was clear that his only ambition to go. to see and then he had a chance meeting with someone on a beach who said well do you want to come aboard one of the boats that is running basically coal running from the north down to London right okay and he was like you seem like you're up for it do you want to come yeah that's kind of a key moment so he studies so he becomes an apprentice and he studies algebra geometry trigonometry not the podcast yeah navigation and astronomy yeah and in 1752 he gets his mariner's license and he serves as a mate on the only ship that can never sink, the friendship.

Oh, that's nice. Generally, a ship called the friendship, two and a half years. Is it called the friendship? Yes. Or is it the HMS friendship, or is it just... I don't know. Yeah. The friendship ship.

Or is his only friend a ship. I mean, it seems like it. He's a boat botherer. He gets offered to be captain of the friendship, but he declines and joins the Royal Navy is empty 95, ambitious. Which is just as the seven years war is kicking off. Which I think, I might be wrong I think this might be the

It's just no, not the first global war Maybe that's in the 70th century This is arguably World War I, people are saying I think that's the, what's the war with the pirates That's the Spanish War of Succession Right, that's in the, okay But this is... Oh, the 70 years old, this is what

People in America learn about at school, right? This is Canada, this is Britain and France fighting over Canada, I think And so Cook goes over there He serves in the campaign to capture Quebec Yeah, why? So this is when we stood of the 13 colonies.

Pointless part of the world, Quebec. I don't even have anything to say, racist to say about it. That's how little it means to me. Yeah, you're really stuck in a foreign land now. You're all at sea. Get out. Quebec, who cares?

French Canada. French Canada. What are you doing? What are you doing? Pick a side. Sure what I mean? You can't be double gay. You can't be double.

You know, you can't just double down. I'm a gay paed afat. All right, we get it. You know, pick one. um so britain and france go to war blah blah blah what cook does and he spends fucking years doing this and this is boring but a large part of the story is boring everyone's got talent he charted the coast of is it newfoundland that particular calendar yeah and bear in mind he he's absolutely smashing charting yeah his maps of newfoundland are still used well into

the 20th century so how do you chart not yeah how do you chart is he on a boat And is he going like this? That's a good point, actually. Chartered in my pants. Yeah, it's not sharting. Have you charters yourself? Yeah, no, Cook is going along the coast of Canada just, oh no, no, I've charted.

Oh, no, Cook. He's a master charter. And then I was like, let him cook, and he just shits himself. Yeah. How do you, I don't really understand, because I guess without a drone, it's hard to see what the coast looks like. Because you're looking at straight like that.

So it's organizing information to visually. Right. So I guess he's just. bobbing about the coast. Is he doing it from sea, or is he on land? He's on land, he's on land, and I guess is he got, maybe he's got one of those little wheelie things. Well, every time he walks, he draws a little bit on the map as well.

I guess so, but that's got to be, you know, how's he doing the scale of that? Has he got a really big bit of paper? But a lot of people are struggling to do it. And so he's clearly very, very skilled at it. He's amazing at it, yeah. So he charts Canada. He then goes back to England.

He marries a woman called Elizabeth Bats. I doubt she had a batty. It just doesn't seem like it. A bachy-less woman called Elizabeth Bats. Cook is 32. Elizabeth is only 20. So I think that age gap is... That age gap is quite pronounced.

I think they... Is one of many problematic things Cook does? Yes. This Nazi was also obanance, it turns out. No. He... I think she calls him Mr. Cook. They seem to have a very Protestant relationship.

The entirety of the marriage. There's deference and respect for the husband and they don't see each other at all. You know how? people... It's the dream... Christ, look at her. I mean, she's not... Yeah. You wouldn't say she's a haughty. She's a baddie. She's, yeah. Oof. That, get, what, what that fucking... That bonnet she's gone. It's not flattering, is it? Look at that. That's a proper relationship, though.

Looks like she makes pies. It's a proper relationship where you treat your wife sort of, like, with the respect, you treat your grandmother. Yes. You see them like three times a year. You shake hands. You take tea, and then you go. And I guess, I guess under a nightfall, maybe you have sex, whilst wearing a blindfold? Maybe, but it needs to be treated like a nightmare that both of you try and forget. Exactly, yeah. Sex is a nightmare that you can both,

it's deniable. So they're married for 16 years, but they only spent a total of four years' time actually together. Dream. Which is, my word. What a word, what, you don't know you're born, son. 25% of your marriage is face to face. Yeah.

God. Those numbers are great. They're incredible. They're Pol Pot numbers of marriage. I mean, That's why marriage therapist exists now is because you have to spend fucking 16. You have to actually marry someone.

Yeah. You can't just, you can't just fuck off and draw the coast. But I like this thing is like, you're my wife. That's all done. Yeah. I'll never see you again.

Bank. See you. That's the dream. We're married together. Never going to see you again. Done. I'm going to go on the jacket on the ship. Thank you.

So he becomes a master surveyor. Right. In the late 1750s. By the early 1760s, Cook is the Navy's foremost hydrographer, which I think is the map of the seas, maybe. Hydrography, the study of sea maps. Tough to be stuck next to him at a dinner party. My God, yeah. Yeah, it's a tough one. Yeah, he's going, look at this.

He's bourgeois. He is. He's got a GoPro on his head. Exactly. It is believed that there is this great southern continent where people are hitting their wives and the spiders are massive. And so there are constant, you know, should we go and try and find it? This is, and I must say, I haven't actually, I didn't know much about the 18th century, but it's very exciting for me. There's some good stuff. Because as it, as it, it gets to get overlooked

sometimes the 18th century. I'm really, this is where I start to wake up in world history. This is where your erection is starting to unfur. Yeah, they've discovered Aboriginal, huh, what? Yeah, my dick's just peeling away from my thighs. Sorry?

Maitless has just started talking. Uh-huh. What, you mean, so it pulls off this week. It's just mateless and goodall. Hello. I'll switch to video. Anyway, so they're hoping to find another America because I guess at this time,

I mean, this is just before the American War independence, which comes into the story later. But I imagine they're kicking off a bit, the Yanks. Yeah, the Yanks are becoming incredibly ungrateful for everything they've been given. Maybe they're starting to get fat. I don't know. They've got sippy cups, they've got bumbags.

Entitled. Yeah. Can we find a place with even less culture? Yes. You can. Now, the Navy turns to it. It's to pendable surveyor, James let him cook to command a new scientific mission because they want to, and this is very, very dull. They want to observe the transit of Venus, which is, I don't even fucking know.

So they're not even really going to look for that continent primarily. Well, it's like... It's not the primary thing, right? No, it's not the public objective, but this is quite interesting. So he boards the HMS Endeavour in 1768 Because he's appointed to lead this dual purpose expedition The public objective is to sail the South Pacific Because Tahiti has been discovered

I believe by the French And to observe this celestial thing Which only occurs like twice every hundred years And this would help them determine celestial differences Because this is all astrology You know this is all astrology stuff So you know women are reading Women are trying to find something

I know terrifying women are reading magazines trying to find someone to blame for their divorce Right, yes Oh, it's because the moon's in retrograde Let's send out some people to find out. Sure, Sarah, I'm sure, that's why he led. So he's going out to

observe that which they think is going to happen on 3rd of June 1769, right? But they give them an envelope with a little secret task in there saying once you've done that open this envelope and the envelope says find terror

Australis why is that so naughty because I think they want to keep it they don't want the Dutch to know they don't want the Dutch to know

they don't want to keep a secret right they go you're the go let him cook it says let him cook right it says fuck off this

but is this like even that expensive this is quite like a might as well it's just one boat you're over there yeah go and find

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Are you tired of starting your day with pointless political arguments, superficial summaries, and lukewarm hot takes on the radio, Then switch to the bunker, where we look at the news without the nonsense. Every weekday morning, the bunker brings you a brand new, in-depth look at just one story. From the chaos in Washington to the seismic political shifts in the UK. To business, economics, history and pop culture. Or start your week, our essential Monday morning roundup of the week's upcoming stories.

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Find us Wherever you get your podcasts So we now need to introduce his character Who's very important A guy called Joseph Banks Yes Who actually

We should remember It probably has more to do With what Australia becomes Than Cook Right So the fact that Cook Is held up as this kind of You know

Cook What do you know Australia should be What? Yeah exactly He's very much like Wow Wow

Another one That's when he sees New Zealand Oh there's two Anyway, Joseph Banks is a, yeah, he's a, he's one of the great early polymaths. I think he's basically sets up Kew Gardens, essentially. He's a real plant bother at this cunt, but he's been to, he's been to Harrow, Eaton, and Oxford. Wow. Triple threat.

Yeah. He's, yeah, look at him. He's a real card as well. Yeah. He personally finances the scientific team on the endeavour. God, he looks good. He immerses himself in every aspect of. you know the local life

he learns Tahitian words he kills a swan and bakes it because this is back when you could do that right he enthusiastically

participates in the South Pacific's free love culture he gets involved is swan a dark meat It is a good point John It is considered a dark meat I love duck

If it's similar to duck I reckon I'm pigeon pigeon's dark pigeons good Rich gaming I don't know pigeon's a bit shoddy for me It's banging

Yeah A bit shredded nice You'd love it Yeah It's a big duck guy. It's ducky. It's quite ducky. I love a duck.

But no one really knows I to use a duck quite like the Chinese. Like what's happened? Listen. I mean, duck confies, right? They get a lot wrong with Chinese, but no one knows their way better around a duck.

Yeah. I don't know what they're quite doing. They, but European duck never tastes anything like Chinese duck. No. Don't know what's going on. They should get more flowers for how they fuck up ducks,

the Chinese. They should, yeah. Now, his luggage on the endeavor is said to be twice the value of the actual shipping shelf. So he packs a guitar, a lot of Cheshire cheese, some porter right so he's a good bloke yeah it's a chap it's a chap right so uh there is uh here he takes his two dogs on board he takes a cat to hunt the rats uh and he takes a old woman to eat the

fly kind of and a veteran she goat which had already circumnavigated the world once yeah and she never went dry quite quite a legendary goat this one of those famous goats this is the goat yeah this is the goat the goat the goat goat goat goat go the goat of goats uh she never went dry So they can basically have goat's milk. Yeah. So she's already, Sir can navigate the whole globe. She's doing it again.

She's going again. She's lapping. I mean, really. She's a goer. Really, cook, all the kind of stigma cook gets, this goat should have. This goat did it all first. Yeah.

This goat's the problem. Yeah. Top all the statues of the goat. Yeah. Anyway, the crew is about 100 men. Oh, he's big into sauerkraut cook. He's one of the original gut. Crout.

Gut nonses. Right. You know, all those like, Yeah. gut biome, Kaffir. He's all into that. So this is the middle of the 1700s

and this is where scurvy is still rife and stopping long voyages. No one knows why people are getting scurvy but after months and months at sea suddenly people are falling sick, dying but no one knows what the cure is. In 1740s a Scottish person

makes some sort of link but they don't know it's vitamin C basically that stops you from getting scurvy. But because Cook is very dull he's kind of like a fuel sort of diet guy he just makes sure his crew is very well fed and that

ends up stopping them from getting scurvy he doesn't realize it's mandated sourcrow yes it's crout for but he doesn't know why kraut works but it is but kraut I would rather start the day with kraut than chocolate let's have a look at sourcrow

get sauer what is it it's not a coleslaw but it's Protestant kimchi right it's cabbage you make it all you do is you just fucking rub it with some salt and then you leave it Yeah. And it, and it smells bad as well.

Yeah. It smells really bad. Bang now. It's great. I was going to say, I bet you've got a real kraut vibe. I love it. Yeah. I bet.

Yeah. You know how they say the gut is the second brain? I reckon it's your first brain. And that's the issue is that your head is actually your stomach. I think that's your problem. So the crew departs, I think it's from Plymouth. Yeah. August 26th of August 1768.

Immediately Banks is violently seasick. so they go to Madeira they recover in October they cross the equator and the first timers I guess the first people in the sea they have to get in the sea or they have to pay a fine of four days

of beer rushes yeah this is like a naval tradition right yeah you've got to get in the sea but some people I think drown right it's just a bit of fun why do they drown because they can't swim right I've crossed the equator on a boat

but what's interesting when you're at the equator sunset is at the same time every day of the year It never changes once. Oh, right. It's like, I don't know, 5.30pm every single day.

On the dot. On the dot without fail. And that's why the further way you get from the quator, the bigger the... Right, okay. So, in early 1769... Fucking, all right, mate. Right.

I didn't say it. I didn't come up with this. At a point of me. You say you didn't have kids? Very boring for a non-dad. That was a very boring. Just not how they equated, I was tons at the same time.

That's why. the further away you get, the longer the day's on. Maybe I have kids I don't know about. Yeah, you're going to be a great dad. You're absolutely brilliant. That was boring as fuck. Early 1769, it's the 60s. They round Cape Horn, the south of Africa.

Oh, this is where someone dies. Someone fucks off. They land and they go to Tierra del Fuego. Now, this is sort of island kind of peninsula at the bottom of Argentina, and they encounter the Fuegians who people believe to be giants. This is where the devil's passages, Cape Horn, right?

It's one of the toughest turnings in the world is going round. Round in there. Yeah, Tierra del Fuego, they're constantly coated in seal oil. Right. Seed oil. Seed oil. Not seed oil.

It's a sea oil. It's ruining everyone's out. Seal oil. They burn seals and make oil. And apparently it fucking reeks. Really? I mean, you're surprised me. I don't know why you're saying that like, that's interesting.

It's not that shocking, I guess. Apparently, if you cut a seal open, apparently it stinks. Not the musician, Charlie, no, actual seals. Yeah. This is Patagonia, like, you don't really think of South America, but it's sort of like Scotland at the bottom of South America. Yeah.

And a lot of the immigrant groups who are there. Do you know about the massive Welsh community? Go Welsh Patagonians. So there's a huge Welsh contingent. And they've got strong Welsh cultural ties and they live at the bottom here. What? They've got a harsh Indian flag with a dragon on it. Yeah, that's the Welsh Patagonians.

It's a really weird. Is that why they like rugby? Yeah. And if you look, there's lots, like McAllister, Alexis McAllister, the Argentinians. He's the Scottish Argentinians. And you never really think of those. No, you think of Nazi. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Christ, this country just gets better and better. Yeah. Half Scottish, half Nazi. Lovely. So, 21st of January, they go into the Pacific, the unknown. Yeah. Now, it should be happened if people don't really know the world, the geography, going west from South America, fucking terrified. Terrifying. You have no idea. You don't know if you're going to fall off the edge. Yeah. You're going to start.

space, essentially. You've got fucking no idea. It's just sea. This is where Emilie Air crash came loose, right? She crashed in the Pacific. Yeah. So they make landfall in Tahiti in April 69 and Cook is warned that locals want to trade with them. They want nails because none of these people have metal.

Right. So they basically all the sailors start giving them nails and then in exchange for fucking them. To get nailed. They give nails for nails for nails. Yeah, that's my new charity. Cook eats dog for the first time. He's saying, quote, A South Sea dog is next to an English lamb.

Right. So he's saying it's delicious. And again, I think if he's cancelled for anything, it's for eating a dog. Right. Not for the Australian stuff, in my opinion. Now, Tahitians are selling women for sex in return for nails. So sex positive.

This is the original sex positivity. But he doesn't like this. No. Everyone on board. He's not a sexual man cook. He's not a horny bugger. No, no. He's not a shagger.

No, he's not a shagger. He's a map shagger. He's a map shagger. It's a map shagger. um everyone on board takes some kind of mistress and tahiti apart from cook now uh we do have record of what they were calling boobs in the 18th century well this is quite interesting and it's great stuff yeah because it's uh in the 18 century slang for boobs was bubby may come from the latin word bibber meaning to drink so that's maybe where boobs would later morph into the words boobs so that's interesting I didn't know that's where boobs came from yeah but also you've got Scottish you've got glob you've got bobby you've got globes you've got globes you've got globes you've got globes you've got globes you've got four buttocks. Four buttocks. That's sort of like, that's the long road to top bollocks.

It is the long road to top bollocks. Four buttocks, four with bum, kettle drums, blubber bags, which I really enjoy, and cat's heads. This is pretty, it's a tougher time, isn't it? Earthier time. Yeah, it's like, living is, is tough. Yes, exactly. We're a long way from lemons now.

Blubber bags. Yeah, you don't know where your next meal's coming from if you're calling them cat heads. Fucking look at it. Look at the kettle drums on her. I like kettle drums kettle drums a bit of fun four buttocks once again it reads as gay

it does read why are you trying to make the straightest thing into something gay top bollocks and four buttocks trying to turn it into an ass cheek I like timpony I want to introduce that for a woman who's got really really honking you know

wait I mean the bomb bomb bomb bomb that's what Toro used to play yeah you know when you see a woman who's like okay you need a breast production surgery right so she looks in pain

you need you need a timbreau a tympanist, so I'm going to get involved. Bom, bomb, but no, you need a timponist. You need a timpani, you need, you've got timpennies, you need them reduced into a normal drum. Yeah, you need, to be reduced to bongos. Look, we've done these timpanis to bongas.

No, congas first, then bongas. There we were, yeah. Oh, well, what's a conga line, though? Yeah. God, God forbid. Anyway, an early argument that Cook has is about, um, private property in that everyone early on in Tahiti someone steals a musket and then the Marines are order to open fire

they shoot a Tahitian and I think the natives don't quite understand the concept of ownership which will I guess play well they don't have duolingo at this point either so it's hard to communicate but they and Banks Banks is obviously he's going around

he's loving all the plants but he is devastated when his artist his private artist has an epileptic fit and dies and he's then less mourning the man more the fact that no one can paint him on TV. Well, he's like an Instagram baddie on holiday, right? He's got no boyfriends and take pictures of him. It's like a woman in the sea in a bikini and the boyfriend is dead on the beach. Yeah, it's tragic. Who's going to take the photo now? How will anyone know you're there?

Yeah. Tragic. Um, he quote, his loss to me is irretrievable. My airy dreams of entertaining my friends in England with the scenes that I am to see has vanished. No mention of his friend who's died. No, fuck him. else can paint. You don't know what's paint around here. Anyway, he has a great time. And he's the first European to record a description of surfing, because the Tahitians invent surfing. Tehishan surfing. Can we get a picture of that up? Okay. I guess so. All right.

So I guess they are. Yeah. Boom, but down. Yeah. I guess they're... Okay, fair enough. It's pretty much as it is now. There's Moana stuff, right? We are in the Moana territory. Yeah. Great film. Unbelievable film. One of the best films. Moana two, not as good.

Is it still worth a watch? I don't know. We tried to take our kids to see it, I ended up basically in the foyer the whole time. Right. Nailing pints while my son was just kind of bothering the foyer stuff. Anyway, this is also where tattoos are invented. So, I mean, for Essex, this whole story is massive. Is this where tattoos are invented?

Discovered. Because as Vikings had tattoos, right? I don't know. Anyway, so, yeah, the Tahitians take their clothes off, and they've got tattoos, and maybe the Tahitian word for tattoo is Tatow. Right. And that's where it comes from.

Interesting. All Cook's crew, they want a tattoo. So this is where... Sailors and tattoos come from. The anchor and the mum with a heart, that's where this comes from. And then a lot of them have tattoos on their face, which I think Banks and Cook says it means they look very ugly. Yeah, this may be done to make them look frightful in war.

Indeed, it has the effect of making them most enormously ugly. Enormously ugly. Enormously ugly. The old ones, at least, whose faces are entirely covered with it. So they see the transit of Venus, great, whatever. Then they get... Boring. Who cares?

fuck it's not about that anymore it's about giving someone a nail and fucking a Tahitian that's what it's about a Tahitian man called Tupia asked to join the Europeans by the way it's quite funny he then finds that they've lost loads of nails 120 pounds of nails from board yeah the ship is the same floor was just going through the ship is right you fuck the ship he has to do a ban on stealing nails yes yeah so a Tahitian man comes aboard and now Banks writes that he says that um he's like a well-born proper man So, you know, the stereotype of them sort of condescending these people is perhaps... Which we hate the idea of stereotyping.

Yeah. I mean, it's disgrace. Everyone's an individual. You can't lump them up into cartoonish characters. No, of course not. Anyway, as an aside, the nation of Australia is a binfire. But with no culture and they hit their wives. But the Polynesians are great voyages.

They're like the... Yes. They managed to circumnavigate all of these Pacific islands that were like the last parts of planet Earth to be colonized, well, like to be colonized by people. Yeah. Easter and all of that. And they did it by navigating using the stars.

Yeah. Far more advanced than anyone at that time, really, for the way they were doing it. And they're fishing with like harpoons and stuff. Yeah. Anyway, so Tupier becomes a kind of indispensable interpreter, and he's sort of a living proof of all that. Poly Polynesian voyaging. But it's kind of sit that he's just like, yeah, I'm up for adventure.

Can I come along? So they see the whatever that is in the stars. Then he opens the envelope, the sort of traitor style. Yeah. Do do, do, do, da, da, da, da, da, da. Go and see New Zealand and find this fucking wife-beating ground zero. I want to see where it is. Yeah. Let him cook.

Right. So these are his instructions that he has in the envelope. Observe the natives, if there are any, and note their intellect, temper, disposition and number. Cultivate friendship and alliance with gifts. And then with the consent of the natives, take possession of any useful areas in the king's name. Right. If the land is uninhabited, claim it for Britain by rating appropriate marks. Right.

October, they make landfall New Zealand and he spends months going around it, charting it. They land at Poverty Bay, which is a weird name for a place. Yeah, because it's funny that they are sort of spitballing

all these names that are still landing today. That's what I call Grimsby. Right. Poverty Bay. They name it that. But why do they call it Poverty Bay? I guess because it looks fucking shit. And the Maori are on New Zealand,

but they only arrived there in the 1200s, I believe. This is how all of this stuff is pretty late. Oh, right. All of this part of the world. is pretty late apart from over the Aborigines so I think I've been there for ages yeah but all of the islanders famously famously yeah but all of the islanders Polynesians Easter Island is the last place pretty much well that's the other side of Chile though isn't it Easter Island no no it's not it's in the middle of the

Pacific right okay yeah so all these Polynesians using the stars and their little catamarangs have colonized all these countries yeah but the Maori advanced on the ship and they they throw spears and stuff and so the Cook's crew kills a guy called Taye Mauro, who's the first Maori to die at the hands of Europeans. The next day is the first hacker. Okay. They do a big war dance. Right. And then a Maori greeting that involves two people gently pressing their noses

and foreheads together does this with Cook. I think goes up and just like. Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean they like you or dislike you as just whatever. You're right, mate. And what's he doing? Bloody hell. He's like, what's this? You're what? He's been close for comfort. And his breath, everyone's breath must

stink. Stink. So bad. But I imagine it's like, I feel like if you all stink you can't smell it you're right you know what I mean there's like a there's like a herd immunity right

if we all stink no one stinks so bad if like this room is caked and poo I wouldn't be able to smell your B0 do you know what I mean Captain Cook walked into a little at 8am yeah my God

he wouldn't believe it he'd kill he'd die he'd kill he'd kill everyone he'd kill everyone he'd go I have been living a lot what on earth is this smell yeah why is it so good yeah Captain Cook you'll live thing in the golden era of the pastry.

Yeah. There's interesting quote here, Cook writes, notwithstanding their cannibals, they are naturally of good disposition and have not a little share of humanity. So again, you know, it's like,

he's a bit woke, this guy. You know, it's woke bourgeois. So by March 1770, they circum, I'm opposed to real bourgeois who's deeply, deeply right wing. Well, train fascination,

where does that go? Where does that go? You know, where does that go? you know you like timetabling I'll check this shit out they sail west for New Holland they leave blah blah blah here we go April 1770

shit land a hoy what's that another one they find the east coast of New Holland which Kurt describes as visibly worse

the last place we're at I've been to both countries he's right Australia is an eyesore New Zealand is gorgeous culturally it's an eyesore as well we're doing of Australian landscapes then

you say there's quite a lot of barren it's a fucking desert really yeah but there's some pretty lush corners right not really fucking Google Alice Springs now did you go to Dallas Springs no I've heard I've heard my dad's been to Alice Springs

it says it's one of the weirdest places on that yeah it's right in the middle right yeah how's like wild west well it's this right in the middle of Australia so it's the dry it's the most dried out white people in the world yeah raisins all of them it's literally the last place white people should be and there's a huge colony of them

Alan Suggers, all of them. You know, I'm Australian. Hey, what? I've got an Australian passport. Of course. Yeah. You know Australian passport? Yeah.

What does that mean, though? I am Australian. There's a boomerang, isn't it? Yeah. With these Australians, it's like your Australian, your family went from England and they were there for 60 years and they came back. Yeah. Doesn't mean anything.

It's a boomerang. You couldn't even make it in Australia. So, do you one of the crux who said out there? It loads of my family there still. Right. When did they go out? Did they go out? In the 80s or 90s?

Oh, right. Wait, 1980s. 1780s? 1980s yeah so if it all goes if it all goes wrong for me here I'll go live there yeah I can see that

yeah I think you'd suit Australia that is the Australian story yeah it's gone wrong for me here I'm gonna get the other side of the world right 70 to 70 April Botany Bay now banks calls it Botany Bay because it's covered in bots plants yeah Russian bots

he's having a bot farm he's having a great time he loves it now the average Australians they see the ship they ignore it all but just carry on doing what they're doing. Yeah.

Which is maybe in Cook's defense why he thinks they're mushrooms. Because he lands, he goes, hello. They go, and he goes, well, why aren't they saying anything? Are they trees? Who are these people? Is this a celery stick? What's, I worked in a grocer. Sometimes I'd say hello to the apples.

They wouldn't answer back. Is that what this is? The naked men and women continue fishing. They like fires. Quote. So they've all got their kit out, right? I think they got their kiss out. Yeah, I think so.

I think they let it all hang out really It's a sauna I mean Australia's hot isn't it It's a sauna These people seem to be totally engaged In what they were about They scarce lifted their eyes From their employment

Said banks Which is weird isn't it First contact literally So you're an Aboriginal A ship which you've not really seen the like of With a sail arrives White people you've never seen come out

And you're like Whatever Weird It is strange Yeah The English throw nails at them I mean, now it starts Take a bit of a turn

Yeah, I guess this is This is the start of it Is it because they're not paying attention to them So they're just like Ooy, mate Yeah Throwing rocks in it So they then

So they chart's what's now Kind of Botany Bay Which is just below Sydney Right And then they go up They chart the East Coast of Australia They run a ground On the Great Barrier Reef

Which they So no one ever really No one knew what the Great Barrier Reef was I still don't really know what it is I mean, it's the biggest coral reef in the world, right? And basically that they don't have the maps to chart this, like, insanely dangerous coral reef to sail over. And they get stuck on one of the corals, basically. So they then, they tear the bottom of the reef and they get stuck for seven weeks to repair it.

And they get better acquainted with the Aboriginals. And, you know, they show them a kangaroo. They do what every fucking... I mean, yeah, this is another great Australian. Oh, yeah, this is amazing. I mean, this is the Brits of Australia, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck yes

I mean So a man This is a man With a lovely right hook To a kangaroo But the kangaroo's got the dog In a headlock Yeah so the kangaroo's got a dog

He's dog in a headlock The guy walks over Squares up to the kangaroo And then like Victorian boxing Just right hook And the kangaroo just stands there Can't believe it And the bloke just turns around

That's what's amazing It turns around If I'm ever on drugs I always think about kangaroos They're the most like The most nuts-looking animal Well, yeah. They can jump very high.

They're ripped. They box and they've got a pouch. Like it is... That's insane. Do they? They don't all have a pouch, though, do they? Only the women? Yeah.

It's a mad combination. But then this is the land of wombats. This is the land of fucking mongoose. This is the land of what's the fucking... Coalas. The one, the platypus. Yeah. And what the fuck's going on there?

Massive spiders. Roger. This is Roger. Oh, that's Roger the ripped kangaroo. Is it? Fucking hell. It's crazy. yeah that's me posing in a photo

yeah that's that's um get the badge in they're always they're all getting the badge in that's charlie's hinge profile there just um so this is the first recorded uh this is the first time that you see kangaroo written down uh cook describes it as a peculiar beast something like a greyhound with a camera I guess so so then they put a flag up uh on possession island which is sort of just yeah I guess they call it that I guess but they call it um It's just north of Queensland, so north Australia. They go back through Jakarta,

Cape Town. A lot of people dive distantry, but then he gets home in 1771. First voyage, done. First voyage is done. That's Cook's first voyage. Now, next episode we're going to get into why, in my opinion,

Cook shouldn't be called a fucking Nazi. And really, that comes later. He should be called it like a fucking map nons. He's a map nons. Yeah, he's a fucking boring mapnons. Yeah, that's what you should be slagging off for. Yeah, he's can't for that. Stop his tattoo because he's a fucking dweeb.

Wedgie his statue. Wedgey the statue. Why are we not statue wedgying? These guys are fucking bird botherers. We should be Nelsoning them, right? Not toppling them. Anyway, we'll get to that next time. We're going to deal with the convicts, the first fleet,

the decision to take all the Connemagregors from England and dump them in the desert. And we'll then deal with Cook's second and third voyages. which they get pretty gnarly. His third one's pretty funny. That's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month, you can lower yourself to the level of Australian.

I mean, this podcast outside of the UK, by far our biggest audience is Australians. Yes. Which makes complete sense. This is a podcast for Australians. Yes, this is what the Australians think culture is.

Two guys saying racial slurs and suits. This isn't, like, this is the 70s in Britain, and Australia, it's the future. They're like, fucking, oh my word. What are these guys wearing? So part of us doing this Australia series is to throw a bone to our big Australian audience

And they love a bone These cunts love a bone It's ashes, it's the start of the ashes It's Finn versus History of Australia The Australia's original sin Is already on the patron That's part two And that's all from us for now

We'll see you on Thursday See you, mate All right, bye Thank you.