Fin vs History - England’s Own African Dictator | Henry VIII (Part 1/4)

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark. Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Welcome to the golden age of manspreading. Henry VIII (Part One) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠⁠⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - The Fat Hero 04:01 - The West Has Fallen 05:55 - Monkey Poo 09:42 - Real Tennis 12:57 - Turkish Mad & Sad 15:42 - Couldn’t Hack It 19:03 - You Had One Job 21:05 - Stop Asking Historians  24:46 - I Like Them Stinky 28:14 - The Spanish Milf 30:41 - Milk Gone Bad 33:08 - Woof Woof 37:10 - The Sexual Terrorist  40:32 - Transformational Blue Balls 43:36 -  Truffling Away 47:16 - That’s A Good Friend Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hi baby. I'm your mom, Anne and I think, I really think you're going to be a boy. I'm dad. I don't care what you are as long as you're happy and healthy. Good, good, okay. Okay, three, two, one. Killer, funny's fucked, killer. No.

Inverse history, I'm joined by a ratio called... We're finally here. Today we embark on a huge series on the English African dictator, Henry the 8th. English Adiréi, English Gaddafi. This is the only real proper tyrant we have. Yes. You know, since...

Since Sadiq, I guess, but since Kirstarmer. Yes, exactly. It's the long road to Kirstama, Sadiq Khan. The original, Henry. the eighth. The most famous king we've ever had. I'd say probably the most famous king.

But is that just English people? I think everyone knows Henry the 8th. I don't know how wide spread it. Do Americans know Henry the 8th? Yeah, I think he's the only, he's the one guy they know. I mean, it's also the only thing that everyone's taught at school. Yes. Like, it feels like you skip over the Amritsa massacre.

You skip over. The What? The Amritsa High Five. I've never heard of that. The Amritza High Five. No, I'm aware. Yes, I'm aware of that. A great day.

We don't learn about the kind of 1800s at all really. No. But all you know about is that Henry got horny. Yes. I mean, Henry's horniness has to find a nation. It's echoed through the ages. It has. It's changed a bust herd around the world.

Yes. The boner that changed, the boner upon which our history hinged. It completely changes the way that we see the world through one man's bono. He course corrects England from a time where we were going to be. be a colder Italy. Yes. And then this great man, this friend of the pod, through his holiness,

saves the nation. Yes. It's impossible to understand England without Henry the 8th. One of the most vicious post-knock clarities there is. Yes. I mean, that is absolutely hilarious. I don't think,

has post-knock clarity ever been so transformational? Yeah. I mean, is it clarity if it's like, can you take a head off, please? I think so. That's as clear as it can get. Today marks the start of, of a four-part series on the English tyrant, Henry the 8th.

In this first part, we will be dealing with a part of the story I didn't really understand or know is that I didn't realize that he was the spare. Do you not know that? I didn't know that. Do you not know that it's basically he was raised to be Prince Andrew? Yes, yes. That's basically what happened. This is if Prince Andrew somehow ended up on the throne.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his brother Arthur had been taught how to be the perfect king by his very miserly tight bastard, Henry the 7th. Henry the seventh. Who is, yeah. The tutor technocrat. Exactly. We should sort of, let's get into.

Rachel Reeves in office, basically. Yes, exactly. And then there's the salvation of Henry the 8th. The fat hero we didn't know we needed. So, yeah, it's impossible to understand England without Henry the 8th. He is kind of our nation's lizard brain. Yes. In that it's the birth of Euroscepticism.

It's the birth of English exceptionalism. It's the birth. The break from Rome, Protestantism. Exactly, all of it. He starts the Royal Navy. Yes. He destroyed loads of the monasteries. Like that, behind my mum's house in Lewis, there's a massive priory that's been destroyed.

So there's huge ruins left by a man, Tornius. It's extraordinary that behind the house that my mum lives in, you can see the ruins of a bus that's just destroyed. An entire religious order. I'm being happy the white purged England clean. And breaking news, Charlie's just found that Josh Whittakeram is descended from Henry the 8th. well the West has fallen if this great man has ended up you know what that's just

yeah that's what's happened that's what men have been forced to be now men are now forced to do a podcast about parenting yeah about being a good dad means there any comedian less like Henry the 8th than Josh Whittaker he's hosting strictly come dancing

right the West has fallen this great country what is it Charlie one of Josh's ancestors was groom of the stool to jars the first do you know what groom of the stall is no it's when you is the guy who would wipe the king's bum.

So it's highly coveted and influential. Grroom of the stool. Groom of the stool. So how is he dissoned from the arse wiper of one of the kings and the actual king?

Unless the arswiper shagged his way into the bloodline. It's general toilet needs. What an amazing story of social mobility. Pulling yourself up by your ass wipe. The king's arse wiper. Well, no, because Charles I first is after Henry the 8th.

Yeah, exactly. It's a, no, it's a flip. Yes. He really fell from grace. He really did. It's riches to rags. It is. To bum rags. To do rags.

Anyway, from the throne to blood clot, the Josh Whedickham story, that is not our episode today. Our episode is about Henry the 8th. The spare. Prince Harry, basically. Yeah. But Prince Andrew, the reason he is the way he is, is because he's a spare. Yes, true.

You raise one to be very serious to learn about matters of state. And the other one is just in case he died. so he's allowed to just go fuck anyone. Just a rapist. But that does explain Henry VIII completely. Yes, he was never meant to be king. He was not prepared to be king. Yeah.

He was just on a trolley dash, a shagging. Well, fucking, yeah. Exactly. Thank God there was no Epstein's Ireland. Because he would have been over there. I guess at this time, you know, England's just Epstein Island. Yeah. You know, they brought it to him, I suppose.

So he's born in 1491, and you can't understand Henry of the Eighth's mindset without understanding the Wars of the Roses. Now, we're not going to get into it because it's female history, it's guff. Right. But essentially, we touched on this with the Richard the third series. It's a soap opera, it's a reality TV. There's a 50-year-long dynastic struggle between a bunch of weak men and muntas. Right.

Bald women. Yeah. And essentially, in the Battle of Bosworth in 1485, Henry Tudor comes out of nowhere. Beats of cripple to death. Beats of cripple to death, which isn't that heroic, actually. and then shoves a think he shoves

a pike up his ass and then he becomes Henry the seventh who reigns until 1509 now Henry the 7th is a very boring

he sort of invented I like Henry the 7th I love a real tight bastard on the throne he is Rachel Reeves his Tudor Rachel Reeves he invents the civil service Henry Tudor

he basically he does all the accounting himself yeah yeah yeah it's not what a medieval king is meant to do He's Jimmy Carter. He's a real... He supposedly he had a pet monkey

that tore up his journals leaving a genuine gap in the historical record. I think that pet monkey may have been hammered the eighth. His son, I think. What is it, Charlie? The worst I've ever been treated at work. I had to... A guy called...

Who only ate yellow food. He was a tattoo artist. I used to work on tattoo fixes. And he brought in his pet monkey, which I think he got, like, illegally. You just got it on, like, line. And he brought it in a minute, pooed all over the floor.

had to like clean up this monkey's poo and then he tapped me on the head and ask for a tea. Can I just first hearing up your monkey's shit please? Did you say that? Yeah. What does monkey poo smell like? Kind of human poo with like

just a bit more gunk in it. We are the relatives I suppose. We are related to monkeys. Thank you, producer Charlie, for that vital personal update. Let's return to the context of Henry the 8th's reign. His dad had a pet monkey who, yeah, there's genuine gap in the records.

Now, Henry the 7th is a bureaucrat, a technocrat, and as you said, his first son, Arthur, it was destined to be king. Yeah, Henry's just rattling around the place. He gets really into sport. And he's not a fat child. No. He is a muscular. Yes.

He says in the research, he has a muscular 34-inch waist, which I can only dream of. 34-inch. Muscular 30-4. My waist is 34. On a good day, my waist is 34. If I've not eaten for a week, my waist is 34. A muscular, athletic, 34 inch waist. But I guess he was, he was tall, but you're too, you're gangly.

Yes. But then if he ate, if you ate what he did after his accident, which I hope so. I'd hope that I'd fill out. But I feel I'd just get like an ET belly. But again, it's not, you're not eating the amount of game meat that he's a, anyway, so he, yes, he's Prince, Andrew, but he gets into sport.

They didn't get Andrew into sports. No. I think you can see that. There was a boy who had a lot of energy, who you needed to get into polo or football. A lot of sexual frustration that he never had anywhere to take out on, apart from young women, sadly. Yes.

I mean, he had a level of horniness that shocked even Epstein. Yes. With the emails he was coming out, he was saying, he's the only man hornier than me. Yeah. Basically. It's not a suffocate you want. It's like if he was doing Edinburgh show about how horny he was,

the quote would be the only man horley than me, Jeffrey Epstein. So he was a real mummy's boy, Henry VIII. And there's not much we know about him in his early years because he's basically just no one cares. Because he's all about Arthur. Yeah. So Arthur is with his dad who's boring. Yeah.

And his dad's just saying like, forget about him. I'm going to make this the most boring king ever. Yeah. This was the complete plan. But also I guess the reason why the War of the Rose is so important is because they're kind of usurpers, all the tutors. They have a very weak claim to the throne. Yeah, exactly.

So that sort of explains. little bit of Henry the 8th being as insecure and paranoid is because yeah they don't really they don't really have a right for claims of the throne no and they kind of were like this sort of wrestler that entered like in the last round with a chair and somehow ended up winning and then it's all about securing the dynasty yeah listeners viewers how many times how many times have we had to tell you get on the surf shark train now before it's too late that quick use it what is it tell Say it with me. It's a V-P-N.

A viral. A viral. Pido, node. It's a security tool that helps protect your privacy. They have developed an AI email scam tracker. This is huge news

for anyone with a stupid girlfriend. Yes. Okay. Girlfriends don't know when they're being scammed. Hello? Where? Yeah, all of my money? Okay, then.

Idiot. Men listen to this show. Yeah. Men don't get scammed. Never. Because we're clever. understand technology. Women, obviously,

I've only had technology for, I think, a few years. Common knowledge. You need to protect your girlfriend from herself. Sign up to Surfshark and get their AI email

scam tracker that will help users identify the emails that are bad for you. Imagine you're in your command center and you get an email saying Warhammer Convention, Earl's Court. Brilliant.

I'll see you there. Wrong. Use this Surf Shark, AI, email. scam tracker. It can identify which emails are actually from your bank. This is not all scams. This is specific scams. This is scanning email. So go to surfstock.com slash FVH. Use code FVH to get four extra months of this stuff. Don't let these online threat catch you or your thick girlfriend off guard. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair. Way fair, every style, every home The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now And it doesn't make any sense to anyone No, it doesn't, but want to make it a bit less confusing Oh, I do.

Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday. We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, Right now.

American Friction. So, like, Henry's always worried about securing the density. That's not something that just happens later. Anyway, so he gets into horse riding, jousting. He likes real tennis. You ever played real tennis? Is that? Real tennis.

It's black tennis. Right. No, it's not. It's just, there's still a court in Hampton. Yes. Hampton Court that I've kind of crazy. You played it? I have played real tennis, yeah.

At Hampton. At Hampton Court. Yeah. It's kind of nuts. So that's the actual court that Henry VIII played at. Yeah. What's difference?

Can you do it up against the wall? It's sort of like squash and paddle and, yeah, it's a much more kind of mentally taxing game than tennis. Right. Why? Because you had to think about bouncing off the wall. I think so.

Your ball does like parkour as well. Sort of. It's like the sloping roofs and stone walls and there's like angles. Anyway, so he gets, he gets, He's also big into hunting, arching. He's kind of a Renaissance prince.

Yes. And this is why I find this story so... Well, it's the beginning of the English Renaissance. It is. It's basically the end of the age. It's the century. Yeah. Well, he's the guy that takes us

from the medieval period into the light. Yeah, because the War of the Rose is basically the end of the Middle Ages. Yes. And he is still has the elements of medieval king, but he's just, he's the transition. His bust transitions us into the modern age. But also, it's such a male story. Yeah. You know, to be a young.

and athletic and handsome and to have hobbies and then to be so worn down by domesticity and wifey that you became a fat tyrant

just going oh fuck off and just eat and just dying seeping pus everywhere because we talk about this history because it's very important to our actual history

but lots of parts that have defined us I think it's more the story just is very satisfying and is very relatable and the human of it all.

Yes. Because it just all seems to come together as a very like, I don't know, satisfying story. It's a male, it's the male story. Yeah. I think all of us can relate to this. I mean,

this is your dad, essentially. Yeah, yeah, definitely. It's just, and it's also, it's the long road to Clarkson.

I mean, you can't like. I thought Clarkson a lot reading the research. Yeah, the English, that English like, well, fuck off.

John Ball, roast beef. Yeah. Fuck off. What do you mean? I can't do that. Fuck off. That,

that sort of, that part of the English brain. is descended from Henry the 8th. And I'm not sure he's really there before. No. That part of there before Henry the 8th. So. Would you say it's the long road to John Pork?

It's not the long road to John Pork. I don't know if John Pork's British. John Pork is an AI pig that you've found on the internet. Okay? And it's got nothing to do with anything. Yeah. Right.

Arthur gets married to Catherine of Aragon in what year? 15 something. 1501. Yeah. She's Spanish princess. Yeah. Now, I will say there's a lot of rabbits

for the dogs to look at this series. Loads. There's a fleet of rabbits. Well, I guess Henry the Eighth is a cross over between female and male history. That's part of the reason why it's so popular as well. Because there's something for the girls. Very rare. This happens.

Titanic's the only other time, I'd say. Yeah. Where both interests align. Because Henry the Eighth, there's a kind of a soap opera. There's true crime. And from the male perspective, it's just sort of that's where, that's our impulse has made for a Yes. Because I guess women look at it and saying, like, they relate to the idea of women having to be.

I can fix him. Yeah, I can fix him, having to manipulate power, having to kind of play off male egos. And Manka relates to it because it's like, well, I'm fat and bald as well. But also, fuck, imagine if you could just do that. Imagine if you could just fucking on board of you. Put a cork in it. Yeah. I mean, obviously everyone knows the rhyme, divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

Yeah. What would your ex-girlfriends rhyme be? It would probably be Russian-Norwegian hippie. and then I mean I guess I'm going to have to think forward now yes of course so it'll probably be Thai That's where we're going next is it? Yeah, it'll be Thai Vietnamese Indonesian Lovely Charlie's I guess would be dumped because you were When were you dumped because you were throwing poo into the toilet? 2021 so recent

2020 right Turkish hungry sad Turkish hungry sad angry tired mad Yeah. What about yours? I dumped her on Valentine's Day because I was cool. That's quite a long first one. Yeah.

Then I got dumped, got dumped and sad, making my own hot sauce, dark air of my life. Married. And now you've got two more. Two more to go. Well, you don't know how married's going to turn out. So it could be be be beheaded. Yes, could be beheaded. Self-immilated.

Self-devenistrated. Aut erotic defenestrated. erotic defenestrated. Yeah, that's the end of my story. But Arthur is his brother, the heir to the throne. He marries a woman called Catherine of Aragon, who is European royalty. Charles V's aunt, I believe. And she is a sort of quite eligible bachelorette. Well, she links him to the Spanish dynasty. I know Aragon is its own thing, but they're the most powerful country in the world by far at the moment. It's a Spanish. It's another country this time.

Yes. The past is another country. And so they marry and Arthur is what? Like 14? How old is it at this point? 14. He's 15. Right. And how old is Catherine? 16. Right. Oh. Well.

Barely legal teens. I don't have a woof noise to make. She's older. Yeah. So people are making tapestries of barely legal teens basically. Yes. So now they are only married for a matter of. of months because Arthur

in 1502 succumbs to the Tudor sweating sickness which is the opposite of Prince Andrew I guess or it is what Prince Andrew has and he's unable to sweat which means he has to bust in 14 year old girls I'm very ill your honour

yes I have a sweating sickness because I'm a war hero actually there's a lack of sweating sickness yes you're right yeah and it has to come out somewhere that's the problem If you see me sweating a lot, that's actually all the come I've not putting in young girls. So actually, it's very good to be sweating that much. That's why I go to the sauna all the time.

It's to stop being a paedophile. Actually, there is a science behind how much. Your Honor. That's how much, that's why I'm sweating all the time. So, yes, the sweating sickness was something that's all ripped through high society several times. It's kind of an early pandemic. It's a mysterious Tudor pandemic. Yes.

That seems to only attack the rich and wealthy. Yes. we were saying it is like a Rachel Reeves today only attacking rich wealthy men women were immune it's seen turned out so Arthur dies of sweating sickness in 1502 now he'd only been married to 16 year old Catherine for a matter of months

and couldn't hack it yeah couldn't hack married life Spanish woman yeah come on it's too much yeah there were too many cushions on the bed that were not actually being used as cushions yeah well you're probably overheated from all the cushions yes that's how he died of

I sweatsets so much. Catherine Aragon kills Arthur, I think it's fair to say. And so he dies. And now, their marriage was probably never consummated, but this becomes a big deal. We don't know if 15-year-old Arthur slings it up, 16-year-old Catherine of Aragon. But are they, I guess, are they legal at this point?

Is there an age of consent in Schedering? I don't know if there is an age of consent. We should be stressed at this time. It's not a very woke time. No. It's a very, like I was thinking it's kind of the golden age for man-spreading, wouldn't you say? Yes.

I think this is like now... 12 for girls, 14 for boys. Interesting. Wow. I do like the staggered ages. I do like that. That's nice. Because what I do...

Now, not to defend this... Girls mature quicker than boys. That's what I'm saying. Not to defend this. There's a logic there. Which... Your Honor, there's a logic there. Girls mature quicker than boys can be a progressive thing or a very creepy thing.

Yes. Girls mature quicker than boys can be like, we need to, you know, support them differently, academically. Yeah. And we need to respect that they're emotionally more mature. Boy should be in school longer.

Or if you're a bloke at the school gate. Oh, yeah. Being dragged away screaming girls mature quicker than boys. Yes.

Well, it's similar to letting women breastfeed in public. It's either a very progressive thing and then it starts becoming very creepy. Yes.

Like, no, no, I insist. Get those melons out. This is a safe space for you to breastfeed and I'm going to sit here and watch it. So Arthur dies of sweating sickness in 5002 and which means that Henry the 8th becomes the air

when he's only 10 years old. And so suddenly he has to leave all his fun, sporty, real tennis stuff with his mum, who he loves, and go and basically be fucking bring your dad, bring your kid to work day with boring technocrat, Henry the 7th. And so, and also,

the Spanish had basically paid for England this huge dowry to take Catherine of Aragon off their hands. Sure. And they, you know, the court can't just, if I can give that money back. Yeah. So they got to basically go, right, you've got to marry your brother's wife. Right.

So she's rattling around as a widower. 16-year-old widower is a red flag for me. Yes. Yeah, not for me. You've been run through. 16-year-old widower. Yeah. Christ.

It's young to be a widow. But again, in this day and age, you know, it's a ferry. You've got to enjoy your youth. You can't be a widower. Yeah. It's a very patriarchal time. this as we'll get into like women and childbirth

it was seen as their fault what happened the result of childbirth which you've moved very far away from now yeah which is a shame it is a shame it's much easy to understand

if you go well you fucked it you fucked it you fucked it you couldn't even pop out on a live one you've you had one job you had you love you had one job

all right I've done everything I had to have sex with you once I had to hold haul myself. Yeah. And you barely put out for that as well. No, you just lay there.

And all we had to do was lie there for nine months and just eat while something grew. And then he just came out dead. Well, you fucked it. You've completely fucked it. I want a new one. This one's broken. That's kind of the air that they're breathing. I guess now white men have been taught not to take up as much space.

Yes. This is a real era where white men take up a lot of space. Well, literally. Physically. Yeah. Just everything is big. Yes. So,

you know, Henry Tudor, dies in 1509 and so Henry the 8th is only 17 and this point again he's athletic he's handsome he has a sort of rosy gingerish complexion small blue eyes he's a hot piece of ass he's hot he's a fit guy right he's an athlete

yeah cum bucket he's a excuse me he's not a cum bucket he's a cum bucket yeah no he's young dumb full of cum right sorry apologies um so he becomes king I forgot I'll speak to a professional historian 50.09. I have a degree. Hymney the 8th is young, dumb and full of cum. He's not a cum bucket. This is a talking head.

Now, a common misconception that is a cum bucket, but I would argue that he was more young, dumb, full of cum. He was young, number full of cum. Catherine of Aragon was a rotting, rusting old cum bucket. Right, okay. Yeah. As we'll get into. Again, I'm using the language of the time. It would be great to piece you into historical documentary.

Yeah, just to hijack me into. Oh, fuck, this is also, you know, I can't believe we haven't talked about this guy already, but in researching Heming the Eighth, I finally got into the over of David Starkey. Oh yeah, this is his thing. And Starkey's journey is very similar

to that of Henry of the Eighth. Yeah, what's a young Starkey like that? Young Starkey is... Can we see what Young Starkey's like? Young Starkey in the 90s 2000s is like, is better than Dan Snow. You know, he is... He's...

Uh... Yeah, I mean, he's certainly... He's not a hot piece of ass. Yeah, young David Starkey. David Starkie in the 90s, is, you know, he's a broadcasting go. Sure, yeah. He's going on, he's going on question time, and he's sort of like hitch slapping.

He's stark-mogging. He's stark-mogging. Yeah. But in the 90s, 2000s, he was seen as rude because he was so brilliant. Yes. Then, I believe it's 2011 when the Tottenham riots kick off. Old Starkey comes out on question time and says, well, the problem here is that the whites are becoming blacks. Yeah.

And 2011 is too late for this. sort of stuff. Yeah. All right. He then doubles down. But a man who's heads entirely in history books when he comes up for air, what he's going to be.

Don't ask him about 2011. Of course he thinks that. He's been studying the Tudor period his entire life. Yeah. A brilliant man, but not one that you want to answer certain questions. Yeah. He's not a current affairs, man.

Let's stop asking historians about the present day. That's where we all fall down. Yeah. Anyway, so he and then becomes... And he carries on that line. getting more and more. And then he's now a big G.B. News guy. Yeah.

He was a massive Brexit guy. Yeah. Because he views it as the second break from Rome. Yes. But yeah. He loves it. He's also, there's a great clip of him destroying with truth and logic. Sorry, let's just, university, he resigns.

Sorry, he resigns from something. No, he got all his, um, his academic, like, title stripped from the, for saying that, um, what he said that, um, what he said that basically everyone's trying to think, make out that slavery was, um, the, um, the, he said that. like the Holocaust. It was actually a fucking laugh. Oh, this is it. Oh, yeah.

He said that slavery was not genocide because, and I am quoting here, the survival of so many damn blacks. I mean, David, you can't be saying damn. David. If you're going to say something racist and your historian with glasses, you need to couch it in academic language.

Yeah. You can't have an emotive, aggressive term. It's one of the foundations of this podcast. You have to couch it. Couch it. Damn blacks. on. He's a hedonist is what he is, and that's why he should be

strict. Yes, he is. You've got to have some discipline. Yes, come on. You can't just fucking... You can't be firing out, damn. A glutton. Yeah, he is. He's greedy. But he ends up, much like Henry VIII, completely sort of isolated. Anyway, but I got to watch him in his pomp for these documentaries. He's uploaded all of them to YouTube

because he has nowhere else to put them. So Henry the 8th is crowned in June 50909. We should place 1509. It is it is after Richard the third tried to fuck his horse

and it is before a lesbian found him in a car park yes must be yeah it is what it is it definitely is

what is it it's also before scampi it's pre-scampi these really are the dark ages and when are scampi fries scampy fries

I imagine 70s it feels like the 70s 1920 wow they're delicious They are brilliant. Do you prefer them or the bacon ones?

I think scampy. Every time. Every time. Yeah. So at 1509, pre-scampi, pre-scampi fries. Catherine, at this point, is 23. Can these dogs see the first rabbit of the series? We've got a lot to get through.

A lot of rabbits to look at. We do need to have some sort of ranking. We do need to rank them. Okay. Well, we got her behind her. We have got this behind us. We did the first one there. Yeah.

She doesn't look great. She looks too young there, Charlie. an old of vintage please. Sensible. She seems like a sturdy woman. Just say you're on hinge and she pops up. What are you?

I'm pausing. And then I don't know which way to swipe. Which way? White left? She's got a monkey in the phone. Which way? I think right is yes. Okay, well I'd swipe left

but I would pause thinking this is the woman you marry though to me. She's more white. material than... She looks dour. Yes, but that's wife material, isn't it?

She's a dour-ass white girl. She's a dour-ass white girl. She's a doug. Yeah, not for me, Catherine. I'm more of a cleaves guy. Anna Cleaves. Oh, that's the... Hips is a joys.

Yeah, brutal woman. I like him stinky. I like him stinky. I like him ugly. Yeah. I like him continental stuff. Yeah. Continental breakfast for me.

Who's that? That's Anna of Cleves. Yeah. She looks great. I bet that's the whole point. You know when someone is so ugly, they're attractive. Horseshoe. They're so interesting to look at.

Do you have any celebrity examples? Beebe must think this. What about? There's so much going on that you're like lost in their... Or it's a facial flashbang, isn't it? Yes, exactly. There's just too much happening. What's going on?

And then, ugly hot, that's the term they use, because then you feel more attracted to them because you've had to do a lot of work to find them. Yes, it's more satisfying. Very satisfying. It's not quick release. No. Yeah, it's a slow dopamine high.

Sydney Sweeney is like a reflex. Yes. My bone is a reflex. But someone like... But this is the difference between watching like Sheree Blair. Tick-T-Tox and reading a book. They're different pleasures. It's a higher pleasure.

They are different pleasures, but I feel like reading a book is better for your brain. That's what like... So jacking it to Sheree Blair is better. for me. Because you have to do a lot of work yourself. Yes, my brain

is working out the muscle like trying to find there's going to be something attractive exactly. He becomes King 50-09 and he is

married the 23-year-old six years older which this time is like significant. Yeah, she's a milth. She's Spanish milf. Hey, y'all's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair.

Ever order furniture online and wonder what if, like what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.

Wayfair, every style, every home. The United States is the weirdest country in the world right now, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone. No, it doesn't, but I want to make it a bit less confusing. Oh, I do. Good. Well, our podcast can help. It's called American Friction, and it's out every Monday and Friday.

We discuss all the big news from across the pond and explain it all with world-leading experts. That's American Friction. Listen, right now, wherever you get your podcasts, right now. American Friction! Yeah. And so the first thing he does is he kills Empson and Dudley, who were Henry the 7th civil servants. Okay, that's a good start.

That's off to the races. A firm break with the boring technocrat previously. And now what have Epison and Dudley done, apart from be really boring? and Dudley sounds like a fucking... It's like an accountancy firm. Yeah, or it sounds like a fucking cobbler's. Heavy taxation. That's interesting.

Now that was very Clarkson. Yeah. Exactly. Like, so they were big taxing. But it seems like they were just doing the job for his father and he was like... Right. Fuck them off. Not even... Can you fire them? Can you exile them?

No. Execution. Punching a producer stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Clarkson. Fuck on. I want a stake. Fuck off. Can we have a look at Ebson and Dudley? I want to have to get some eyes.

He start... He's doing a lot of... He's doing a lot of fucking tournaments and athletic stuff. He's doing a lot of jousting. Now, ways that he's not like Clarkson is his fit. He's very into fashion and perfume. Yes. Which Clarkson, I don't think, is.

Clarkson only takes one part of Henry VIII, I think. He leaves all the fashion gay stuff. No, but he thinks fashion is like another, it's red tape. Jeans are like the simplest, you know, this frictionless way of moving through the world. jeans, shoes, blazer, I can go anywhere. Right. I don't want to have to be told there's a dress code.

Fuck off. So he'll wear jeans and a blazer no matter where he's at in the sauna or at a wedding. Yes, exactly. It's the perfect frictionless combination. Jeans, smart shoes, shirt, blazer, I can go anywhere. So is that Epson and Dudley speaking to Henry the 7? I mean, look at that. That's brilliant.

Now we need to introduce one of his first, I mean, Henry VIII, goes through people and women people and women. What a distinction. He goes through men and women like nobody's business. So we need to introduce his first assistant, Thomas Walsy, who's a very, he's quite an interesting

bloke, Thomas Walsy. This whole period there's so, all the people around court seem to live very interesting, kind of exceptional lives as well. It seems to be the kind of beginning of like a sort of golden age of brilliant people in England that sort of ends in, you know,

after Dunkirk, basically. So Thomas Walsy was a butcher's boy, which is kind of quite low in the sort of English car system. But he basically, through sheer tenacity got to be cardinal and essentially became Henry the 8th's right-hand man. So Henry the 8th just wanted to go and play sport

and fuck. And he runs the state. And so Walsy just does everything. Very well at this point. So he's, now he's deeply committed to the Catholic Church because at this point, listeners, everyone is. Everyone's Catholic. Yeah.

These are the dark ages. Henry, obviously, the first thing, first order of business on becoming king is to get your cum bucket of a wife to slop out a boy. Yeah. Right. Not to get all academic, but that's the first thing you need to do. In 1511, Catherine of Arrogent gives birth to a boy. End of story.

End of story. Prince Henry, he's called. Yeah. And Henry the eighth. That's the end of the episode. massive, he has a massive tour. They have a big celebration, feast, jousting. Seven weeks later, the boy dies,

which we'd have to say is Catherine's fault. Yes. The milk wasn't good enough. Yeah. Milk gone bad. You had two jobs. You had two jobs, right? Yeah.

Give birth to it and then feed it and you fucked it. So, now, Catherine of Aragon does have a child that survives. in 1516, but it is a girl, so it's pointless. Yep. This is, uh, this is China's stuff. Yeah, it really is. It's 20th century China, really. It's the closest we've become to it.

I mean, yeah, it's a very different time when a man can wait outside the, the birthing room. Yeah. And then here it's a girl and just say, oh, fuck. Shit. Well, there's just never, there's, yeah, never been a more tense gender reveal party. Yeah. Yeah. This is very, very different to now.

Yeah. when, you know, the birth, you know, Henry the 8th never said, we're pregnant. Was your first child, your first child's a girl? Yes. Yeah, so you probably wouldn't socially acceptably be able to scream fuck when you found out. At the ultrasound.

Fuck! This is your fault! Yeah, again. So it's a very different time. I put man coming you. How have you done this? Yeah, I come men. How have you turned it into a girl?

You witch? so Mary is born in 1516 but he keeps having a crack at this so he keeps putting man babies and Catherine and Catherine keeps turning these men into women into girls and stillborns which are the same thing at this time and age

this day and age it's just a stillborn who won't shut up you know the best thing about stillborn is that they're not fucking yapping all the time they can keep their mouth fucking shut Yeah. So Henry is obviously getting very, very frustrated with his broken Spanish wife who keeps slopping out girls and stillborns. So he starts trying to distract himself by aping his hero and probably the greatest king to have lived to this point in time, Hemi the 5th. Arsincourt.

Because this is only, it's about 100 years after Ashencore, something like that. This is fucking great granddad, isn't it? Oh, no. It will be something. No, it won't be because Wars the Roses. But so he tries to war with France, which is kind of a way

to escape the frustration. But War of the Roses coming off the back of 100 years war and it's the kind of the age of chivalry. It's sort of the birth of England and France as a rivalry.

They've defined themselves against each other. The idea of a nation of England's sort of born out of that. But he's read all these chavaric tales and you sort of built

on the idea of honour being you take a chunk out of France. And I think at this point Calais is English, I think. Yes. I think, or bits of France are English.

Well, these days. But I want to bring that back the idea that you can get honour by just taking a chunk out of France. Yeah. It did just feel more noble that when we were at war with France. Because even at war with Germany, it doesn't feel right. Well, the thing is, a war in the colonies doesn't feel, it feels a bit kind of like. Well, speak for yourself.

I don't know. Us versus Sudan. I don't know if that really feels like it gets me young. But France, it feels like that's... Well, it feels like there's never been a better. point in modern history than now for us to take a chunk out of France. Because we really

need something as a country. Get back to it. Hey? Calais becomes Callum. Calais becomes Callum. Yes. But we really need something as a country. Yeah. A feel good win. An easy win. Yeah. Right. Let's just take a chunk of Brittany. It's called Brittany.

Why does it call that? Come on. So, he tries a war with France in 1512. but he doesn't really he's a very unsuccessful war king yes but how much does that to do with him being a genuinely bad king

or the fact that it just was the wrong age because he was sought a lot of frustrations in the kind of hubris and the Greek tragedy of King of the Eighth is he sort of born into the wrong age when there wasn't a great war to fight so he sort of forcing it like he was born for the hundred years war

well there were six wars to fight yeah at home six battle actors in the house the course coming from inside the house yeah so that just really work and so what he does now Catherine is nearing 30 years old so she's completely clapped from his perspective she's finished she's finished over the

hill so her beauty fades and Henry's eyes begin to stray sure now Henry takes several mistresses in order to prove that he's making man babies sure and so he starts fucking 16 year old Bessie Blunt yeah Let the dog see the rabbit Charlie. Uh, woof, woof. And in 1519, Bessie Blunt, uh, yep, she looks quite nice. Um, so 16 year old Bessie Blunt gives birth to Henry Fitzroy in 1519, who is the only acknowledged illegitimate son of Henry the 8th.

Yeah. He's very similar to Boris Johnson. Yeah, very much so. Crop. I mean, Boris has the, as an heir of the Henry abat. Oh, for sure. Yeah. For sure.

Eating through his Zempic. Henry the 8th would do that for sure. Yes, exactly. If you, Times Clarkson, by Henry the 8th, you get Boris Johnson. Yeah. So he then starts fucking this noblewoman called Mary Berlin. Now, Thomas Berlin, her dad, was a noble man who was, what, brothers with the Duke of Norfolk, something like that. I tied himself to the Tudor dynasty, played his card right.

And all this, all these kind of families are trying to find leverage in court. And so he starts having sex with Mary Berlin, even though she's married. And Mary Berlin has two children. Yeah. Which we've... Our patron is on the other Berlin girl. Yeah. We watched the girls from...

And one of the best bits is Mary Berlin's cut out husband. Benedict cut the bitch. Yeah. Yeah. That's phenomenal that bit. Yeah. It is good. It's great to...

This is very much, this is what is, this is colligular stuff. Yeah. I can just drag, choosing someone's wife taking a fucking her, then sending a back. down to the dance floor. Yeah. Nothing you can say about it. Shut up. And what?

Yeah. I mean, if you've got privilege, you should use it, as we've said. We've always said this. Use your privilege. It's a waste. I also, I just, I love the idea of Henry fucking other women and them having boys. And then him going to Catherine going, see, you're the problem. I mean, the logic stands.

It's one of the most toxic male displays I've ever heard of. You're my wife. You keep miscarrying. I'm going to go, I'm going to cheat on you. and have an illegal child to show that it is your fault. Yeah. But, you know, it's proof.

Well, I mean, he's proved it. He has proved it. He's destroyed her with spunk and babies. Yeah. So through Mary Berlin, he meets the villain of the story and Berlin. Right.

Probably the most impactful woman in English history until Thatcher. Yeah, I'd agree with that. I mean... She's the clear patchful. of her day. She is. She is a sexual terrorist.

She is a domestic terrorist who uses sex as a weapon. Or rather the lack of it. Yeah. In 1522. Yes, a pretty incredible defensive gooch in the fucking in this in this in the between the stumps. My goodness. It's boycott.

Yeah. It's Jeffrey boycott for a snatch. 1522 and gains a position at the royal court. And in 1523 begins a romance with Henry, Percy. and they exchange private marriage vows, but this angers the father because the father wanted to use Anne to gain faith with Henry the 8th.

But you could do that. You could, yeah. We should go back to that using daughters. This is white-arranged marriages. Yes. So in 1526, Henry the 8th, who has now ran through Mary, had a couple of kids with her,

bored, switches to... He's got ADHD, I think. Would you say? I think he seems sexually he's got ADHD. Yeah. It's just more his post, like, clarity is devastating. Yeah.

Yeah. It's sort of posting up boredom, isn't it? Yes. It's, it in that, he's got very low attention spans, sexually. Yes. Yeah. Or rather he just doesn't, I don't think anyone's ever bothered to cuddle less. Right.

After a fuck. Yeah. It's Clarks are having a shit. Yeah. Done. No wipe. Yeah. Jeans back on.

Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, Henry begins his pursuit. of Anne Boleyn in about February 1526. Now, apparently this time Henry gets malaria. Like Cheryl Cole. Probably? Like Cheryl Cole. Did she get malaria?

She did get, when she clanked Clown-Wanjaro. It's a big story. Cheryl Cole climbed Kilimanjaro. Got malaria. Wow. Does she survive? She did survive. She's still going.

Now, Anne is, this is probably the hardest blue balls anyone's ever had. The most kind of impactful blue balls. Transformational blue balls. Anne says, unlike the other women, she's, because she's a difficult woman. And I'm using the language at the time. Yeah. Okay.

Catherine Arrigan is broken. She's a broken cum bucket. And whereas Anne Berlin is a domestic sexual terrorist, a proto-feminist, a difficult woman. What do you mean I can't have sex with you? I'm the king. Yeah. She plays this high wire act of going, no, you can only, I will only give myself unto thee. to use the language of the time

I will only gnos you off if you destroy all the monasteries in this country if you basically terrorize every monk you can find it's an amazing

amazing thing she played what a card she plays she says no you have to marry me first and this is why you are the way you are is because of this blue ball isn't it extraordinary

extraordinary that the after effects of Anne Boleyn's terrorism is that I get up at six in the morning and I don't have an app in the day isn't that extraordinary

if it was of Ambelin we would still be in right now. Yeah, we wouldn't be doing three episodes a week because it wasn't for Ambly.

Yeah. She transforms everything. Amblin says, quote, this is the Imperial Ambassador Eustace Chappui,

the most infamous and dangerous woman in the world. It's not wrong. Hard to argue with that. So now, Anne,

classic hard to get. Yeah. And withholding her pum suddenly makes Henry want it more. It's a tailor's oldest time.

Yes. The big boy wants what he can't have. Yeah. And so he's sort of starting to become kind of fixated on her. Yeah. And there's a growing impatience. Yes. And meanwhile, Catherine of Aragon and him are their separate beds at this point.

But they also, they've been married for a long time. 24 years is it by this point? And what's not discussed is how successful their marriage was. It's the most successful of all their marriages. Well, no, no. You're saying successful by today's standards. Sure. By Tuesday standards, her family was clapped.

Yes, her family was clapped. Yeah. But seeing all his other wives, Catherine Aragon was his most, least problematic marriage of all of them, really. I don't know. I don't know. I disagree.

What do you think, Anne Boleyn was the least problematic one? No, she was a terrorist who deserved to be killed. Jane Seymour gave him a son. Yeah, but she lasted, like, six months. Yeah, but she did her job. Yeah, she did. What, give me a son, then evaporate, please.

Brilliant, the perfect woman. You've given me an air, and then you've left. This is ideal. Yeah. I get a wet nurse in and then job done. Yeah. Brilliant. So Anne withholds her, she uses sex as a weapon or lack of it.

And so Henry is just getting hornier and hornier. He is a victim. And he is a victim to really empathise with Henry, the poor man. Tragedy. He's the victim of a domestic terrorist. What is it? Does any of that withholding perm stuff happen in marriage? Or is it all kind of done by then?

Are you talking anecdotally or in general? Do you mean if my wife sort of goes on a sex strike? domestically. Do you like... Do you, Thatcher it? Union busting. Literally. I don't know what that would be.

Well, yeah, I don't, I don't really think... No, I don't think we are... And there are no games anymore. Not really, no. That's one of the nice things about being married is there's no games. It's just kind of like... I think with kids more so than marriage, probably,

is when the game stopped. Yeah. You've got bigger fish to fry. Yeah. And sex is such a kind of a fleeting pleasure. that you have to be like to for me to be like well I'm not going to have sex with you this this week yeah then just like well yeah there's no time you're like oh yeah does it when you do have it does it hit harder now you're married do i does it hit harder like does it emotionally is there more to it now you're

married is they like I love you so fucking much or is there more just like let's just dude let's get this oh yeah it's more just like just it's more the same as it ever was really yeah yeah right I would have it would have changed it would like evolve into something more or like you know you look back on the life you've had together and kind of it makes it not even horny it's kind of beyond that I think me and you have sex in very different ways

you're seeing it like you're watching a film of your own life as you do it kind of yeah I'm just I'm just fucking truffling away down there I'm just an Italian pig in a forest looking for nuts you know what I mean I'm gonna get my nuts otherwise I'm gonna get on the chopping block I've just dropped my phone down the side of a car seat that's what it's like really

Yeah. I'm a scroll. Scrolling down there. Can you put the light on? Yeah. There's a bunch of receipts and fucking rappers. Cushin-nuts down there. Yeah, awful.

Old banana skins that have melded in. Back of my cash guy's got black banana skins. Yeah, yeah. It's embedded now. No, it's the elephant's foot, the back of your car. It is. I've got mold in my bed. The Albanians can't even get rid of it.

I got mold. Yeah, I sat in your car once. In the front seat, there was nine mugs of tea. Mugs. Mugs. Mugs. There's mould in my boot. I've got like a little forest in my boot.

I've got a forest in my boot. I'm sure. There's civilisation. They'll probably develop nuclear soon. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Anne Berlin does not have sex with him for six years.

Which is a lifetime in Judah. That's crazy. It's insane, isn't it? I mean, admittedly, Henry, arguably he wasn't the best husband. But when you see what he went through, it makes sense. It does. The whole story makes sense. This is all...

He's a traumatized man. And Berlin's fault. Because also, Catherine has, in their words, stopped bleeding. She's menopausal. Right. So it's fucking,

it's both ends. Yeah. You've got a menopausal Spanish woman. Which is like angry squared. Right. Right. And then you've got this young, nubile Brit who's not,

who's teasing you. And he's just, the horn is just becoming more and more dangerous. I mean, this is a stud horse. He needs to be milked. Yeah. And you're just,

were just riling him up. You're just basically shaking up a milk bottle like that. What do you expect is going to happen? He's going to genocide monks. Yeah. So she's post-menopausal. She's now, now, like, completely clapped down there

to use the language at the time. And so Henry is getting out. Starkey, Starkey says that Ambelin pleasureed him in other ways. Right. Starkey says that she's nothing him off. Right, okay.

You know. But Starkey would say that. Yeah. Well, he's a scholar. Eventually, things get to a head where Henry realizes I'm so fucking horny I need to get rid of Catherine of Aragon

in order to bust Inam no other woman is doing it for him he's completely cuntruck and so he tasks Cardinal Walsy with finding out a way he gets a wingman involved to

divorce annul the marriage with Catherine of Aragon Yeah. Now, I mean, that's a mate, right? That is a mate.

Sort this out, would you? Now, obviously... I'm really horny. Can you annul my marriage? I'm so horny. Can you annul my marriage? That's a good friend. Now, the Catholic church at this point,

England's very Catholic. Yeah. The term Catholic doesn't really mean anything because everyone is just the Western church. Divorce isn't a thing. Divorce is a cardinal sin, is it? Yeah. And so this becomes known as the Great Matter.

that's why the public understand it. So do you think if Anne let him hit he would have got out of his system and maybe wouldn't have needed a divorce? Well, to fast forward slightly, he gets it out a couple of times and then he gets fucking bored. Yeah, of course.

Because she's been chasing. She's put her own pussy on a pedestal and it cannot live up to the expectations. She's cocktied him for six years. Oh, with a disappointment of that. Yeah, you could never have a second. It's never going to match up. Like what are you doing?

And also he will last four seconds. Oh, If that. If that. The first time it happens, he's coming in his own... He's coming in the fucking whatever the fish guts condom

that they use. Well, I mean, he's just covered in cum. So, this is known as the Great Matter by the layman. The King is so... I mean, it's so funny

that that's... There's common knowledge. Common knowledge. The King is just fucking horny. But can't get out. That's so amazing that the power of the position. Yeah.

You being unbearably horny can be called historically as the Great Matter. Yeah, I mean, the great matter nowadays is what is it? It's, um, there's a net zero or it's fucking, uh, Trump and Iran. No. No. We need to let get Henry's end away.

This woman is blueballing the king. What is it? But if Trump and Melania, I mean, could, if she was famously not putting out for Trump, could that become any... New Quran. Out of the sexual frustration. Yeah, basically. Could that become like a great matter?

And then a UN meeting would probably have to happen where we'd have to go to Milania. It's like you're going to have to put out. Put out. Because dangerous. He's being weird. millions of people die. Yeah. If you do not put out.

What do you want? Come on, what do you want? It's up to you, love. We'll give you anything. Yeah. You've got us on our fucking knees. Yeah. Just this is lie back and think of England stuff, right?

That's all that you need to do, Anne. And yet she doesn't do it. And so she backs Henry into a corner. Yeah. And so Cardinal Walsy is tasked with finding out a way to annul the original marriage. Now, there is a verse in Leviticus, the Bible. which says you shouldn't lie with your brother's wife. Now there's a bit later in the Bible,

which says if your brother's wife, as your brother dies, you should marry his wife. So, you know, it's a contradictory. I think Leviticus is also the, the butt stuff. Yeah.

Is that, there says, there's no butt stuff. This is fucking, yeah, going through the text. This is the, well,

this is the kind of lawyers that he's getting involved. Yes, it's OJ's team. Yes, it is OJ's team. So, thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife. It is thy brother's nakedness.

So if you have sex with your brother's wife, you have sex with your brother. that's what Leviticus says, I think. So he starts to think that he's cursed by God and it also says that they won't have a kid and having a kid in this point means a boy. So he's like, the reason her fanny's clapped is that it's my brother's wife

and that they probably did consummate that marriage. Curse Fanny. Curse Fanny. The ninth, Harry Potter book. Henry VIII from the cursed Fanny. If a man shall take his brother's wife, is an unclean thing.

He hath uncovered his brother's nakedness. They shall be childless. And so he tasks Walsy with finding out a way to uncover the, to annul the marriage. And this will set in train events that lead to now. Now, in our next episode, we will deal with Anne Boleyn with... We will be joined by modern day, Henry the 8. Yeah, we were joined by a guest. We were thinking who is the most closest thing we have to Henry the 8th, and it is Jamie Hutchinson.

If he wasn't born into royalty, what would he be like? Yeah, Jamie Hutchison. Jamie Hutchison is the sort of living embodiment of the Tudor era. He'll be here. That episode's already in the Patreon along with the entirety of this four-part series. And we're doing exclusives on Lady Jane Grey with Hutchinson and on the other Berlin Girl film club. For three pounds a month, you can join the largest patron in the UK. Yes.

Anyway, that's all we'll say for now. you next time for the continuation of this epic story. Goodbye for now. Goodbye. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home.