Fin vs History - Everybody Hates Raynald | Saladin & The Third Crusade (Part 1)

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

There’s nothing more dangerous than an auntless uncle.  The Third Crusade (Part One) The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor    This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh  Chapters: 00:00 - Give Piles A Chance   03:23 -  Hippie Dippy Bollocks  06:27 - The Fall Of The Uncle  08:47 - Get The Salad In   13:15 - Charlie’s Holiday   16:28 -  Fat And Mid  19:30 - Gay Stuff  24:08 -  Everybody Hates Raynald  28:38 - Chips For The Hips  30:41 -  Super Jihad Sunday  34:29 - Leading Jerusalem's Conversation  37:36 - Merciful Muslim  39:48 - Shared Paternity Leave  41:00 - Fin’s Aura Farming  48:18 - I’m A Man  51:38 - A Dying Dog  58:18 -  Take The Hat Off!     Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Finn versus history. It's time for another urgent academic discussion. This time, Horatio Gould joins me to unpack the Third Crusade, Horatio Gould. Charge! Okay. I was listening to Melbourne Brag on the way in, and he really doesn't fuck about with the intro. No, he doesn't. He's fucking.

Right, you, now, speak. Now, quickly. I love it when he's getting someone to an expert to talk about it, he'll correct them. Yeah, but when you say this, though, because what I would do, you know, he's always like, just let me drive. Yeah. He backsiekeet drives while he has experts on. Yeah, it's phenomenal. His wife must have a horrible time.

I cannot imagine. Melvin Bragg's wife trying to park. Come on then, come on, come on. I mean, you married a man called Melvin. Bring it back. Bragg as well. Bragg. Brag.

Come on. Melvin, brag. Today we're talking about the third crusade. We are picking up a series that we've begun right at the start of this podcast. One of my most uncomfortable coal plunges. Now, seeing as we've gone through a lot of history since, do you feel you'd revisit it with more relish now? The first crusade? Yeah.

No. Still? I, listen, we've had a lot of fun recently. Eidiamine, hunger strikes, Battle of Britain. But, you know, you can't just live off of steak.

It's true. You've got to have some fibre. Look what's happened to Jordan Peterson. Exactly. Where is he? Supposedly he's dying somewhere. He's struggling because he's not eating enough greens. Yeah.

You've got to have the ying and the yang. Yes. It's got to be some balance and harmony in the universe. Mix some spinach in with your eggs. You know, give your piles a chance. Give piles a chance. You can't just have the uncle coming over. The aunt needs to come as well.

Yes. An uncle in his own, dangerous. Very dangerous. He needs an arm. Yes. Without an arm there, he will molest you. Not because he's pervert. He doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do. Oh, okay. Come here then. No, sorry. Sorry. I don't know what to do. So this is aunt history.

Ant history for the aunts. Sort of them. but this is surely Lionheart, Crusades, Long Road to 9-11 Muzzis versus Chryso's Mozies versus Chris and it's live! Come on, like surely this is like...

This one does fire me up a bit more. I think of all the Crusades this is the most cinematic this has the most, this has characters. Right. Lionheart versus Saladin. Yeah.

It feels like... There's a chivalry going on there. There's a lot of homerotic tension which you know I love. Yes, I know you Lou. So let's, we're into the Crusades this is the long road, well, it's, I mean, it's complete end-to-end history, this region, the Middle East. It's still not settled.

It's crackling constantly. It's never chilled out once. No. To be honest, this is one of the most relaxed it's ever been at the moment. The Third Crusade. No, currently. Currently, the Middle East has chilled. It's ever been.

Oh, it's a fucking picnic currently. The Middle East. I'm finding it discerning how quiet the Middle East is at the moment. There are people living in Gaza being like, bloody air, we'll look back on these days. Halcyum days. what a time to be gartham you know when there's just one enemy

yeah and don't make too much noise or as they'll realise how quiet it's been yeah just enjoy it silently uh we're in the

where are we in the end of the 12th century that we are and let's just have a little recap of the start so the first crusade which we dealt with the beginning

hundreds of episodes ago starting gun fired between the musies and the chrizzos yeah now what's funny is at this point obviously the first

First Crusade begins in the 11th century. Islam is but 300, 400, 400 years old? But it's probably had the most, it's probably, which probably doesn't get talked about it. You were going to say explosive there, won't you? Yeah. Yeah, and you ducked. I didn't actually duck.

I was going to double down on explosive. They've suicide bombed their way out of the gate. What people don't talk about with Islam is it's basically the most, the quickest growing empire of all time as a land conquest. It like started in the 600s with Mohammed, who was. himself, a military commander. Yes. And it just exploded.

So this has all happened in 300 years, but it's like, there's probably nothing quite like it, maybe apart from the Mongols, basically. But you have this very rapid growth. So you have the big bang, and then you have the second bang, which is the start of Islam. And then they, what's funny to me is that Christians

in the sort of 800s, 900s, would be looking at Islam the way that we look at Mormonism. Yeah. In that it's a new religion. And you know, it's ridiculous. Yeah. What do you mean? You can't just inventor is.

This is like hippie-dippy-dippy bollocks. Yes. Yes. Could you say Islam's hippie-dippy bollocks? Not now. Not nowadays. No. One thing I do respects about Muslims, though, they never ever duck a fight, do they?

If they ever think anyone, no matter what the odds are, no matter what they've got, they never, ever miss a chance. Come on, then. Come on then. Yeah. No. They clap back. And so the first crusade, this was when Pope Urban, one of the many, Characters who, oh, shit, man.

He called for a crusade, not by Vernon Charlie, Pope Urban II. Pope Urban the Second. He called for a crusade at 1095 because, I believe it was the Seljuk Turks had taken... My friend. They had taken Jerusalem. They'd filled Jerusalem with chili and garlic sauce. Yeah. And they hated it.

The Chrises could not take it. Basically, the growing Muslim empire was now infringing on the Christian holy lands. Yes. So they had to unify as a Christian. Palestine was Christian for 600 years. Never forget. Never forget. So when people are like, oh, they've been there for that, well, who was there for, you know,

everywhere's been somewhere before the current iteration. Right. So anyone can do that. When I say free Palestine, I mean make it Christian again. I mean all the way back. Make Palestine Christian again. Make Palestine Christian again. You have the People's Crusade, which is the funniest bit.

That's where... Homeless guy just says, let's go fucking early. It's a stag do. Do you mean it's back anything? That's a stag do. Yeah. It's Charlie on holiday. And they go.

through, I think it's France and Germany, and then when they get to Germany, they just inexplicably massacre thousands of Jews. They had no choice. When in Rome. Anyway, they... Went anywhere where Jews are. Where anywhere? Went on earth.

Slaughter Jews. Now, they, the first crusade is the only, from the Christian perspective, successful one. In that they retake... Fully successful, yeah. Yeah. They retake Jerusalem in 1099. The second crusade we have skipped because it's... But you have big names.

You have Raymond. You have Baldwin. You have Roger. You know, these are the people who have taken back Jerusalem. The uncles. The uncles.

The uncles have stalled. I mean, Baldwin becomes King of Jerusalem. I know. You know, how uncles have fallen. They have. The fall of the uncle. You know, uncles, Roger, Baldwin and Raymond.

You hear those names now. You think call social services. Where are their aunts? These are auntless uncles. They left the aunts at home. Always be afraid of an artless uncle. Nothing more dangerous. So the Second Crusade,

skipping because... That's very boring. That is boring. I'm more of First Crusade guy than Third Crusade, but we can both agree. Are you? I think First Crusade

as a narrative is more satisfying. Really? And it feels like it was actually stacked against the odds because the First Crusade. This is when Britain, when Europe are still thick, ugly dummies

and we basically managed to barrel their way through. Yeah. It was kind of like a cup run. Yes. No, I understand. Yeah. It's Wiggin winning the FA Cup.

Yeah. That's where it actually was. Yeah. And the Third Crusade, you have like good bits, but it doesn't like, have as neat a story. Don't end up with Baldwin on the throne.

I guess the third crusaders maybe Lester winning the league where it seems romantic but actually there was quite a lot of money behind it. And then the fourth crusaders when the guy fucking helicopters into the pitch.

I don't know. Anyway, so the second crusade is 1147 to 1150. This is when the Edessa falls to Muslim forces. King Louis the 7th of France. They try and conquer Damascus. They don't.

there are these crusader states, which is what's now Israel, parts of Syria. In a way, is not Israel and current crusader state? Cook. Wouldn't you say that could be a think piece? Maybe. In a way?

But is it sort of is a Western outpost to the Middle East, right? Well, there are people who say that the Crusades were the first, it was the first imperialism. Right. Interesting. That's just because they're biased

against white people. Exactly. But also that came out. in the 19th century when empire was fashionable. The Crusader states are Christian states in the Middle East. Now, their survival depends on the fact that the Muslims are divided. Sunni and Shia and then lots of like different little factions. All that lot.

And then what is it? Come here, Sonny, your little Shia. It's not. This is our peace envoy for the Middle East. Yeah. I'm not sure it's worth the swing. is getting Charlie in as his spokesperson. You're on the border...

Come here, son of you, you little she-e? I guess we are all the same. Are you, um... Is Trump got you on the, um, Garza border piece? Yeah. Yeah. Come here, sonny. You little shy.

Yeah? That's gonna work, is it? In a way, it's so ignorant and, uh, you know, sort of offensive to both, that I think both of them would just be staring at you. I guess we are just on a rock. Yeah. You know, maybe this doesn't mean much.

Well, we're not him. Are we? So, yeah, maybe we should just chill out. Connect on their hatred of Charlie. Yeah. So, anyway, yes, divided Muslims, but this changes with the rise of the first character in this story. Caesar Saladin. I'm sorry.

Caesar Saladin. Saladin. Now, lots of people, Dan Snow, Dan Snowdrum, he pronounces, salad in salad and salad in salad cream yeah Muhammad salad Muhammad salad cream he uh yeah he smells I mean he is he is goaded and based to be fair to him to be fair to salad and gouted and based

but it's a silly name salad it's hard to be salad yeah it's hard to have a lot of aura if you're called salad especially especially that's Australian slang for hair isn't it is it yeah look at that salad you got there interesting isn't it Charlie sorry what were you going to say? Well, isn't it like

because of Sijistin? Or Sibududdin? Subuddin. It's not Sala. It's not allah. No, it's salad. Salad. Salad.

Salad. Get the salad in. Get the salad in. Yeah. Cool the guy. Let's get the salad in. Yeah. Bunch of vegans are night out.

Get the salad in. Go on. Go on. I'll get the salad in. Three bags. Yeah. Three bags off rocket. Yeah.

Because we party clean. Yeah. We work hard. We party clean. Get the salad in. Get the salad in, lad. go on that's a great motto we work hard we party clean saying that what absolute fucking nonsense

nonsense are doing that no I party clean yeah no I'm not drinking no I'm part fucking clean I party fucking clean I'm fibre parties fibre hey yeah I don't hate that well I mean seeing we were talking before I think I need a lot more fibre in my diet I do believe this is the year of fibre

last year is the year of protein I think fibres coming in I think this is the year of the water horse isn't it I don't think it's year of fiber The Chinese year of fiber Yeah But I do think I do think the protein thing will correct And we need some more fiber

We have been fetishizing protein I do agree with that And this is fiber In many ways Yeah it is But yeah I do think fiber parties Seeing as the state of Charlie's gut You were just talking about

Because Charlie's been on holiday for about four weeks And been eating like actual dog food Before we get to Charlie's gut Are you suggesting that in the way that we have like grenade protein bars, we're going to have like poo bars. I've got fiber powder, genuinely. So like, because I've been gigging a bit more and sometimes it just fucked up your meal part.

You're partying clean, go on it. I'm partying clean. I'm working on. You're snorting lines of fiber powder. It is unbelievably disgusting. Yeah. Like it does actually, you trust it because it's so disgusting. Well, hang on.

So it's like a white powder you just put in water at the end. If I've left, if I've finished the end of the day and I'm like, fuck I forgot to have any fiber I've eaten like a dog then I will just chuck white powder it literally looks like coke in a glass of water and it just

it's just like a barocca but for your bum but it tastes like a bum rocker it tastes like flavourless cum what's the point what's the point in flavourless gum

so you're getting none of the notes what uncented cum I might as well drink water what's the point of drinking flavourless cum it's got lots of fibre in it right Is cum fibrous, Charlie? No, no.

My fibre powder tastes like, I'm not saying anything about the fibre quantity of cum, but let's find out. Is cum... Charlie is our cum correspondent. Seamen is... Can feel fibrous,

but that is a misnomer. No. It's hyperviscuous. It can... It makes it harder for sperm to move, so they're just like... Yeah. Well, that's good to...

But you're not making a fibre shake in the way that you'd hide... People hide weigh protein. which is essentially animal feed, right? That's what they give to pigs. They hide that in like slushies with fruit juice. Yeah. It is, I mean, it is insane.

So that's all while it's the protein shake. No, no, I have protein shakes. Yeah, because they're nice. Yeah, they are nice. But my point is, it's quite funny when you actually tell someone that when they're ordering a seven pound protein shake that you are, what you're doing is you're putting pig feed and apple juice and some spinach in a blender.

Yeah, it's a really bad milkshake just but with the pig feed is what you think cancers out. You know, the powdered pig feed. Well, I'm just saying, I'm just saying you're drinking pig feed, but as long as you're aware of that, that's fine. But I think what I should be doing is getting that fibro pound and putting it into a protein shake. At that point.

We're just on liquid with that. You know, you're speaking this audience's language. Exactly. So, anyway, you were saying that you've just eaten dog food for a week, Charlie. Yeah, delicious. Beef, tartar, amazing. Bigot, ta, cigarettes and apparel is what I've been to. Disgusted.

My girlfriend, Bebe, was truly disgusted watching Charlie. We went away. and Charlie had a whole floor to himself, thank God. There was two bathrooms. There was two couples and Charlie. All four of us shared one bathroom. Fish wheel. Spare tire on a car.

So remember, there was four of us sharing one bathroom that worked perfectly. Two couples sharing one bathroom. Yeah. And then one man on his own floor with two bedrooms and one bathroom. Okay. And where did the poo go out of those locations? Let me finish. So after BB had been quite disgusted watching Charlie State Tartan,

on the mountain. Is that raw? So, and said it looked like pedigree charm, which he did. In the night, I think Bibi went up to the landing near Charlie's floor to get like a towel. And she heard furious flushing. And then, and I quote, the worst smell I've ever smelled, right? And then, so she was like, truly like kind of quite traumatized by the smell that was coming from the whole floor. and then the next night she had to go up again

and the exact same thing was happening and basically just every night he's running around like after we've gone to bed Charlie's rattling around nearly always looking for toilet roll he's kind of like

and just the worst smell and we have no idea what he's doing up there he's just fucking what's fascinating about Charlie we're now spending more time than I've ever spent with him is that he'll involve the whole house

whenever he's a shit. Like, everyone gets to know a bad. Like, she said, it's so bad. I think I was just eating all this dog food and it made me like, it really did. I think probably her seeing you eat that and then smelling you later

was quite a lot for her. Panicking. I was panicking up there. Well, anyway, so the third crusade begins because Saladin, that's where we were. Now, who is Saladin? He is the sort of a Muslim unifier. He's one of the, he's one of their great guys in history.

They've got a lot of great generals that I think we don't really talk about or they all blend into one. But Saladin is, he's born in to Crete, which is Saddam's birthplace. Hello! Pouring out for Saddam. And Saladin basically

he consolidates power just as the Crusader state starts to sort of falter. So he's born into Crete, 1138-ish. He's sunny. Sunni! Sonny! Sonny!

he's from a Kurdish military family and he first rises to prominence in Egypt where his uncle, dangerous, dangerous uncle, Shirku he is leading military campaigns and then this is the Fatimid Fatty Mid-Kalphatis Fatty Mid, Mid-Fatis

Yeah, fat and mid. Yeah, Christ, what a combo. They're ruling and then Shiku, the uncle he becomes the ruler of Egypt in 1169 but dies supposedly from overeating at a banquet

quote he consumed an excessive amount of rich meat and suffered a fatal digestive collapse weird theme of

this episode there but for the grace of God go I it's like I'm reading my own future let he who has not

had a heart attack at a banquet table first to throw check in the no it's not a heart attack it's a fatal

digestive collapse so is that fecal vomiting oh I really hope it's not that but is that's a

digestive collapse right well I don't know if it's a collapse when the shit says we're going to have to go back the other way. Let's go through the sunroof. It's a C-section for your shit. No, it's not fecal vomiting, which I don't really want to get into.

Sure. It's already quite a fibrous episode. But I imagine, no, collapse implies that your ass just falls. Yeah. And you die. It's a batten collapse with his ass. Batten collapse from the bottom down. So then Saladin, his nephew, becomes the Prime Minister of Egypt, essentially.

Prime Minister, I mean, I'm, you know. The visor. I mean, whatever that is. Yeah. Anyway, over time, he starts to strengthen the divided Muslim states. I think he may be, does he conquer Syria as well, I think? I think he's in charge of Egypt and Syria and Baghdad. He abolishes the fatty mid-calfat, the mid-fatis, and restores Sunni allegiance.

Get rid of them. Anyway, there's a guy called Nur ad-Din, who he was in charge of everything, I think. Right. So Saladin is the sort of, he controls Egypt's wealth and army. Yeah. And then Nuradin is maybe the big boss. I don't know. Anyway, relations grow tense.

Nur adin is about to assert direct control over Saladin and Egypt. But then he dies unexpectedly as well. Another fatal digestive collapse we can. But imagine it, which must be quite a common cause of death in the 12th century. They didn't have a common understanding of fibre like we do. They didn't have fibre. We should place this. This is pre-fiber powder.

So we are in... Let's find out when the first fibre powder was then. Yes, yes, thank you Charlie. When is the first fibre powder? When is the first sad end of the day? Ninety-34. Wow. So that's...

Okay, so it's before then. And what's it made on? Seed husks. So you're drinking... Seed husk. Yeah. So there are men, there are men out there who will live off pig feed and seed husks.

And these are supposedly our roll-laws. These are Alpha Chats. These are Alpha Chats. Yeah. These are a game to system. They've broken out of the matrix. Yes, yes,

the matrix of taste buds. I have this, I have this sort of argument. Every time I see my personal trainer, he's helping me, you know, get piles or whatever. Get up the stairs.

I get up the stairs. He's helping me crawl to the toilet. I am helping him stop eating cat food. Oh, really? Yes. Is he listening to you? No, he's not listening to him.

I mean, it's too, you know, no one's listening, really. I'm still at the bottom of the stairs and we're traveling around my ankles. and he's to the top of the stairs eating cat food. So, you know, we're not really, we're not really listening to each other at the moment. Yeah.

But no, he eats like tinned, you know, just tinned fish. Yeah. And just sort of slop some like sweet chili sauce on it. Yeah. And then he... But is he single? I think so, yeah. A young single man.

He's a young man. A young single man, I think you are allowed to eat like that because I think once you find someone, you're not allowed to eat like that anymore. So I think enjoy it while you can. I guess it's also, it's suspicious to be young and single and to be like really cooking well.

that's gay stuff I think gay stuff it's like there's a bit it's a little bit rapey do you think what do you think it's a bit like American psycho like why are you getting so into it's like a guy who's too into giving head

do you know what I mean to try the men no it's a woman oh right I mean puts a bib on do you know what I mean gets a lobster claw it's just a bit too

yeah like come on there's something just weird why have you brought a bucket with a shell A dipping sauce. If it's a branded bib as well, if it's like one of those, you know. Yeah, his own brand. Yeah.

Like in the pussy, yeah, this is what a pussy eat it looks like. What's it called a, what's it called like a, when you have like a bucket of shellfish? I think it's a bucket shellfish. I don't know if that's,

is there a special name? Like a crab bucket. I don't think it's this special word that you're looking for. I think it's, there's a seafood boil, that's what I mean. You get it comes in a big, And then it's like tomatoy sauce that you're sucking on that.

It's like a Louisiana. No, yeah. But we don't think salad cream had any of this stuff going on. Yeah, Muhammad's salad cream. With Mohammed Salah cream. Now, were Muslims, are they like Jamaicans? Are they eating Pum or is that, is that, is that Haram?

Is that Haram? I think, but then this stage of Muslims is quite different to what we have now. Because this is when they're like kind of enlightened. This is kind of woke Muslims before it took a hard turn. Because this is when they're the most sophisticated and lighting people in the planet. What are you saying now? I don't think they have the best sense of humor in the world.

They're not addicted to banter. No. That's one thing you can definitely say. I don't mind saying that. And if you kill me fair play. You have to admit that your favorite thing in the world is not having a laugh. No.

That's fair. Not saying that's most important thing, though. No. But you can't say that's your favorite thing. No. Telling people off having a laugh. They like that. They like that a lot.

But this is when I think they were having a bit more of a laugh. But also, because they seem like very mature and cultured. And they're just like looking at the, like the big stereotype of Europeans was that we fucking stank. Yeah, we stank. I'm spending a week with Charlie. I'm like, you know, you're not wrong.

They think we stink and also that we're fat and that our bellies. They're like, look at their silly bellies. Yeah, it's like judging Britain from just watching fat families or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Or walking down the high street. or walking down to any any town

any high street town in the UK any regional any regional seaside town the west of Sawland I feel like a 12th century Muslim watching the first crusade

coming over the fuck are these people mobility scooters mobility scooters single crutch fighting off sea goals chips you know queuing out the side of the pound saver

it's bleak and I feel like you know I feel like God these people don't even wash their bottoms after a poo yeah filthy

so You're right, and that this is, at this day and age, the 12th century, the Muslims are the sophisticated society. And the West is just an awful stagged do. It's a massive toilet. Saladin takes control of Syria after Nur adin unexpectedly dies. So by the early 1180s, Saladin has unified Egypt and much of Syria. But if we get to the geography of this, the Egypt and Syria, obviously they surround the Crusader states. It was now Israel and Lebanon and all that.

The key ones are on the coast because it opens up a trade route into Europe. Yes. So, yeah, there you go. You've got Israel and Lebanon. Those were probably the Crusader States mainly. You've got Acre, Antioch, that sort of stuff. So Saladin has achieved a Muslim unification, a unified front. That was part of the reason the first crusade succeeded from the Christian perspective

is that the Muslims have been divided. But now the Muslims have big salad cream. Yeah. They're ready. So Saladin starts to fight the Crusader states because he wants Jerusalem back. You know, he starts to promote jihad. Loves it. Loves jihad.

And in this day and age, jihad, I guess maybe makes more sense because it's a counter crusade. It's the Middle Ages. It's the middle ages. There's a lot of the criticism, maybe unfair, thrown at ISIS. Yes. you know, who've got a tough rubber the green in this country, I feel. No, it's good and bad stuff, but let's get into the bad first. Is that they've got medieval ideology, right?

Which I guess is a fair comment. But when it's the Middle Ages to have medieval ideology, it's sort of like part of the court. Cutting edge. At this time, they were cutting it. Yeah, because you hear Jihad and you think that's bad, but you're like, that's just normal. That's completely normal.

It is weird doing it in the age of the air friar. Yes, come on. Yeah, I think we've moved on. We've moved on from Jihad. I'm not dressing up when. chain mail with a big cross on my belly air frying. I've let crusading go. Okay?

I no longer a crusader. I feel like some people in the Muslim world, once again don't want to, you know, cause the event, are people who are like were popular at school and have not let go. Yeah. They're still wearing all the kind of school attire. They've got all their trophies and pictures. It's like, let it go. Yeah, you're 30 now.

Okay. There are new yards. Jihad is a young man's game. It really is. Come on. But also, to be fair, devil's advocate, there are seven. People who I imagine listen to this show in their social media profile picture will have a Knight's Templar. Of course.

And, you know, we'll... Someone's got to call carry the fight. Well, exactly. Carry the flag. If you start jihadi, we'll start crusader. And to be honest, they all look like crusaders did back in the day. They haven't involved. No, no.

Yeah. They stink. Big bellies. And they're stupid. They asked, yes. Yeah. So, he promotes jihad, which again, for its time, way ahead of the curve. It's like using AI now.

So he unifies Muslim territories. Now he's like, we're going to retake Jerusalem, which of course, which is what the third holiest city in Islam? Yes. Getting greedy at this point. Yeah, because it's the most holy city in Christianity. So can't we just do a deal? You know, you've got Mecca and Medina.

Now why aren't we going into Mecca as crusaders? Yeah. Oh, well, that's actually our fourth most holy. Yeah. And also, I mean, it's not, though, is it? It's not. Our fourth most holy is probably like Portsmouth. I don't know if that's...

Well, what? You've got that very... Vaskan. You got, well, it depends which sect, because you've got, like, you got, we used to be Byzantium was the most holy, second, second Rome. But that's gone as well. Yeah. Bloody hell. Bloody hell.

These days. These bloody old. Anyway, he wants to make Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Islam. No Jews. Islam. Jerusalem, Adinistan. That's what they say when he conquers it. Like, bloody hell.

He brings in ultra-low mission zone. Yeah. It goes, yeah, it goes down the toilet. But anyway. Bethlehem. That's in Palestine. I suppose Bethlehem, Vastcan. Yeah.

The Crusader states are positioned in between Saudin's territories. He wants to make Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Afghanistan. Then tensions begin to escalate because of provocations from a guy called Raynold of Chattelon. Everyone hates... Which is not Charlie, calm down. You're Charlie of Chattelon.

So everybody hates Reynolds would be the show. Yeah, lovely stuff. Everybody hates Reynolds. Now, he's a crusader lord. And he develops a reputation. among both the Muslim and Christian Chronicles of the age for extreme violence, opportunism, and disregard for truces.

It would be a better sitcom, I think. Yeah. It's also quite funny how in the script is extreme violence, opportunism and disregard for truces as if it gets worse every time. So, I mean, there's no greater sense than being opportunistic in my God's plan. So in 1160, he is captured by Muslim forces

under Nur adin and imprisoned for 15 years, okay? Now then he gets out and he marries some woman called Stephanie of Millie. It does not sound... One of the whitest names I've ever heard. Stephanie of Millie. Of...

Emily, of Hannah. That's a ridiculous name. Amanda of Tilly. What are you doing? What are you doing? Yes, I get it. You've got a big sippy cup and you drink green juices

without the pig feed because you don't want that. Because women don't like... Women are scared of protein. But I'm always trying to get VBT protein. Yes, but she just wants chips. They just want chips.

Yeah. Interesting. I don't know what it is. They're yet to embrace the protein. Are they scared? of how powerful they might become. Chips for the hips are there, isn't it? It's for their childbearing hips.

They want carbs for the hips. Yeah. Whereas men want protein for the thrust. Yes. Because we're ships and their ports. I don't know. I don't know why they don't. I just know, I don't know why they eat chips.

That's uncle over here. Yeah, I don't know. Really. Dangerous. Dangerous. Trying to explain sex to my nephew. We're ships. Their ports. We eat protein because we need to throw.

and they just eat chips because they just sit there and take it, right? That's men and women. Anyway, go and play football. So, everyone hates Reynolds. He is repeatedly attacking Muslim caravans. Now, that is not gypsy Muslims. That's what I had my nose is. No, it's like, what is it?

Just pick camels and shit. Yes. I don't know, like a wagon. Right. But 12th century. Says, I'll fight your mother. Not that. I'll blow up your mother.

No, it's not that. Now there have been truces between Jerusalem and Saladin. Okay. So this guy, Reynolds, is sort of flagrantly disregarding those. He reportedly seizes a caravan that may have included relatives of Saladin. Well,

they're gypsies. They're not. Their relatives are all over the place. They've got a million relatives. You can't seize. It's like seizing John Furious caravan. Tyson's going to come after you. All right?

So Saladin demands restitution under the terms of existing truce. And Reynolds refuses, which then starts these, Red Sea raids that is not what I call having sex on my wife's period in 1182 Railroad launches naval raids

into the Red Sea which is obviously between Egypt and Jordan or what's that what's that bit is that the The Strait of Hormuz It's the other side of it So it'd be

I'm all across what's happening in the strait of Hormuz Of course You have to stay abreast of events You have to As a man Surely It's a great way of ignoring

domestic responsibility When war kicks off Yeah because you're like There's bigger fish to fry Can you do the washing up I'm staying abreast of events someone needs to monitor the situation in the strait of Hormuz. Of course.

I know the kids are screaming, but what if the mine hunters don't work? Is this a chance for us to become historical players? That's what I'm thinking. You just need to be aware of what's going on as a man. Just in case. Yeah. Now, Raynold launches naval raids into the Red Sea. His forces threaten the routes that lead towards Mecca and Medina.

Those must be the two most important. It's interesting, they rank the holiness of the city cities. I feel like... Tier list. Got tier mecha. Yeah. It's like Jack, mate tier list.

Yeah. Yeah. It'd be funny to see YouTubers. Right, let's rank Muslim holy cities and then they get it wrong and then they get be beheaded. That would be funny actually. That would be very funny.

If Jack mate and Stevie had just run out of things to rank and started ranking religious cities and accidentally didn't put Mecca first. You'd go out in a fury, yeah. Yeah. But there's a timeout list, most holy Muslim cities.

Yeah. Top jaw. Top jaw. Best city in the world. Mecca. Yeah, okay. It's Becker every time. It's Becker every time.

As I've said many times, I do genuinely have a lot of FOMO for not being able to go on Hajj. You can go on Hajj, can't you? No, I can't. You have to be Muslim. Do you have to be Muslim? Yeah, that's one of the main things.

Well, that's racist. That is racist. But as soon as now you know, you're not allowed to go, apart me, it's like, well, I fucking, they're probably talking about me. You can't go Hajif you're Muslim. Yeah, you have to be. And how do you prove...

You're not allowed in Mecca unless you're Muslim. How do you prove you're Muslim? I don't know. Just, do you just slap the gear on? I don't, yeah, I guess you could... Salam al-a-a-a-and-get. I walk up to the gates of Mecca with a bag of salad. Here we go, mate.

I'm here. Yeah. I'm here. Yeah. I don't actually know. They do party clean, to be fair. They do, yeah. Yeah.

They really do. Yeah, I don't know if anyone's just done it for a laugh. Hodge. Yeah. But it's a pretty serious place, I think. But how do you get into, yeah, obviously there's five pillars. Like how much they built around it. It used to be nothing.

Yeah, we have, we've talked about this. But five pillars, it's not like brownie badges, right? You don't get a badge every time you do a pillar. It's a constant thing. So how do I get a badge. get in, so you have to register, you have to get a visa to go Hage. Right, yeah. You have to create an account, provide a photo.

So you couldn't do a stag do to Hage? Probably, well, unless you all convert to Islam. Is that a Muslim stag do though, going Muslim Hage do? Let's go Hage. Anyway, the tensions are escalating in the region. When are they not? Saladin is calling for jihad, okay? We need to get into the Battle of Hatton.

You're right. Not the Battle of Hatton Garden. Right. In 1187, after another caravan raid, Saladin declares a full campaign against the Crusaders. It's jihad. And it's jihad. And it's live! Super jihad Sunday.

So Saladin lures the Crusader army into... Now, this is where his great military strength. The luring. The luring. Right. Because... He leaves a leg out with a scantily clad. Definitely.

Leaving a leg out, looking for the foul. Yeah. Okay. So what you're not meant to do is. is your and this is we'll see this with Richard the Lionheart is that you're not meant to fall into the trap of just running like Benny Hill after some boobs yeah and forgetting that you need to drink water it's very hot out there yes so at 1187 Saladin lures the crusader army into the arid terrain near Hatin which is I think I think that's a dormant volcano in what's now Israel so the crusader leadership makes the strategic mistake of marching across the dry ground without any water it's women going to bed without their big sipping cup right dangerous dangerous

my wife just got like six cups of not drunk water just on the bedside table she always just goes to bed with a fucking pint of water and then it just doesn't drink it never drinks it yeah because it's just it's too painful yeah it doesn't have you know fruit juice it's not not chips so saladin they surround the crusader forces they cut them off from their water

and then set fire to dry bush to increase smoke and heat and the Crusader army was completely destroyed within like days and I can't believe I'm going to read this out the true cross

i.e. the cross that Jesus was crucified on which they've got they've got with them that's careless why are you taking it with you fucking love relics at this point I know

do you want to explain what relic is yeah so the Christians this is before the split with Catholics and Protestants so everyone's kind of Catholic yeah right so everyone it loves tat yeah you love it's all again

shop at the moment. They're falling for every fridge magnet they can fucking find. So it's very important like holy relics and there's, do you honest, if Muslims rank cities, Christians rank relics like they're doing tier lists. But apparently this is the true cross, but surely nearly every single one is

bollocks, right? Oh yeah. So what's the legitimacy of the true cross being the cross that he died on? It's captured 1187, subsequently lost, numerous small fragments. It was discovered 326 AD so it was discovered 320. six years after Jesus died. How likely is it the true cross

is the one that Jesus was crucified on? It's highly unlikely that any single piece of the true cross relics are authentic wood used in the crucifix of Jesus Christ. But it fires people up. The relic throughout the crusades saying something, oh this is Jesus a sandal

if fucking... They go mad for it. People go berserk. So thick at this point, aren't we? So thick. Anyway, the salad in, they take the true cross or just a bit of wood. Yeah. Reynald is captured. But then he kill, Saladin kills Reynolds himself.

And he frames it as punishment for oath breaking. But Saladin has like a chivalric. Yeah, he's a big mercy guy. Yeah. So after Hattin, more Crusader strongholds fall very quickly. And Jerusalem falls to Saladin in October 1187. Jerusalem in the stand. Ula's cameras are installed.

You know, the Christians turn their backs. Yeah. When Sadiq got elected. LBC's popping off. LBC is popping off. It would be like JBC, wouldn't it? No, it'd be LJC. LJC.

Leading Jerusalem's conversation. They've got Madrid Nahuas on there, and the people are ringing in angry. Now, but instead of enacting vengeance for the 1099 massacre, because when the Christians conquered Jerusalem in the first crusade, they killed fucking everyone, right? but he merciful Muslim allows the residents

to purchase their freedom facilitate safe passage and permit some Eastern Christians to remain So he's a formative male Yes he's a yeah Yeah it's a little bit like

All right man He's a Christian ally Yeah yeah we get it All right mate All right This is what I fucking feminist looks like Yeah yeah Saladin

I don't think he was a feminist I don't know much about him But yeah You can take that stab in the dark Once Jerusalem falls, Pope Gregory the 8th, we're into the Gregories. There are so many Gregs. Greg sends Reynolds. It's funny how the word Greg, you know, I think there's never been a more perfectly named character in any show than Greg in succession.

I think his character entirely sums up the personality of anyone called Greg. Greg. Yeah. The great noble Greg. The great Greg. Okay. So, but the term Greg is not a papal. name?

No, Greg. Greg. It's Greg. Greg the seventh. Greg the seventh. Greg the eighth. I mean, I guess Gregory, there's a little bit more there, but he is still, his, his mates are still calling him Greg.

Yeah. So Gregory, Greg, this is not urban, you know, we've gone from black to white at this point. We've gone, hey, man. Hey, man. Shit. Oh, geez, my taxes. Oh, no.

Jerusalem's, fuck. Oh, that's what Greg sounds like. So Greg calls for a new cruser. and the rulers who respond are Philip II of France. Emperor Frederick the first Barbarossa. I did him at uni. Very exciting. Good stuff?

Yeah. I don't really know much about him. Well, why do you think Hitler names that operation after him? Oh, wow. Because he is Hitler's hero. My enemy's enemy is my friend. Or my friend's friend is also my friend. We're all mates.

Anyway. And then Richard the Lionheart. Let's get to... Now, Richard the Lionheart... Dickie the Lion. Dickie the Lion. Dickie Bird. He is probably England's greatest warrior king.

Maybe Henry V, but it's between the two. But Henry V is operating after Richard the Lionheart, who sets the toe, really. He's the one that everyone wants to emulate. Stanley Matthews. Is he the start of... Is he the reason we've got lions in our flag? Yes, he is. The England badge is because of the Lionheart.

The England badge is Richard the Lionheart's badge. And he was a Frenchman. So it is a bit... I know. Who even are we? Who are we? I mean, you don't get lions in England, do you? No.

These days. These days. So Richard the Lionheart, 1157 to 1199. Those are his dates. He's King of England from 1189 to 1199, and he barely spends any time here. He's actually, he's sort of a distant dad. He's an absentee, yeah. Yeah.

But he's a dad your respect for being absent. He's James Bond if he's your dad. Do you know what I mean? There's sometimes an absent dad, it's like, yeah, he's got better things to do. Yeah. A dad is always there. Get out of the house.

You should be doing something. Why are you cooking so much? You're pita or something? No, I'm just a really hands-on dad. Go out and make some fucking money. Yeah, don't. We're fucking, we're in a shit house. Stop playing with me.

It made some fucking money. Share paternity. Creepy. It's creepy. Oh, I'm taking share paternity. Why? Get out the house, dad. Use your male privilege.

If you don't use it, we'll lose it. I'd never. understand why people don't use their privilege. You got her? If you're white, enjoy it. Enjoy it. People don't have it. Is there no bigger crime than not enjoying it? I think it's the worst thing you can do. Enjoy your white privilege. With pay for a holiday.

We're here. Let's not have an argument. No, let's just enjoy it. It won't last forever. Yeah, Richard the Lionheart is a dad who barely sees his kids, but his kids are like, well, he was a great man. I respect him. I respect him. I respect that's the dream. I respect the void where he should have been.

That is the dream. Yeah. And also, to be honest, Richard Leinhart, he's solely aura farming. Yes. And I do believe a huge part of aura farming is not being present. And do you want to just explain, because you start saying this a lot, and there are people like my age who listen to this who won't know what aura farming is. Well, aura is sort of your charisma.

It's your sort of power, your energy, your mystique. Yes. And I often find... This is all because your generation can only think of... He's Jimskin. Jim skin is Richard the Lionheart. Yes. But your generation can only think of personality traits

in terms of computer games. Yeah. So you can't just be like charismatic. You have to have like 100 aura. Yes. And you have to, I've got a new shield. 100 defence, you know, all this stuff. But I do feel a huge part of recharging your aura is just not being somewhere, right?

So like if you don't see your friends. I don't go to parties. You've got aura because of it. Yeah. But if you went to those parties, be like, bloody areas racist. People lose their shit when they see me in, public and it's pathetic.

Yeah. It is pathetic. Because you've been carefully recharging your aura. Yeah. But if you're out all the time, you're losing aura. I'd say it's social battery. It's not aura. So I can't be asked.

I want to stay on the house more to telly. It's not, it doesn't, that's a buy product then. Right. Because I often feel like if I don't see friends for a while, my mystique starts building up. But if I,

if I see them too much, suddenly it's like, you again. Fucking out. Well, it's like a dad. You embarrass yourself. Yeah, it's a dad who's looking after his kids. Yeah.

What you do? What you do? What you do? Ah, fuck. Or a point's just shedding off me. Yeah. Deplated. So that's why Richard

the Lionheart, huge aura. It's never there. But he was there all the time. There's a statue of him outside the House of Parliament. Yeah. Holding a sword. He was there for about a week. Yeah.

And he said that he'd rather, he said that he would happily sell London if he could find a buyer. Yeah. And he didn't even speak English. So he said that in French. Bluck it out. We were talking on holiday about why English people are so fuck ugly. Why we're quite ugly people.

why are we so ugly well there's a great theory that it's um the more why am I ugly why am I ugly the more times you are invaded the more you're um as a as a people the more fitter the women

because the gene pool is getting stronger and more mixed right my mom's my dad what my mom is my dad as in that there's loads of inbreeding right no no no it's the opposite of that as in the more times you invaded

the less inbreeding there is. My mum's my dad though, be a hermaphrodite fucking themselves. It's a trans person wanking. This is why, am I ugly? And there's just a sort of, there's a trans woman on a stream jacking it.

Put her cock in her ass. Yeah. Yeah, like a petrol pump. Yeah. Anyway. So it's about the gene pool. Yeah, so. I guess what's weird is that you just jump across

the North Sea and you've got beautiful people. just there. Yeah. And they also look uncannily like us, just not ugly. We have not been invaded since 1066. There is Andrew Maxwell, the comedian, had a great joke about this where he said, you know, Lebanon, the Middle East, the Iranians. They're so good-looking people.

Good-looking because they're constantly being invaded by the Mediterranean from the east as well. The Shetland Islands have not been invaded anywhere near enough. So you don't refresh it. No. Can we get some more girls in here? Exactly. You need to refresh the gene pool. So is the UK sort of like, it's like 2 a.m. at a club, everyone, a tractor's gone home with someone.

Yeah, it's the Drake. Exactly. So that's the UK. Yeah. Yeah. The lights are coming on. You're like, fuck it. It's going to ask you one of you. You got to fuck that bloc and leather vest. He's got a terrier by his feet. I mean, is he coming? But this is the same with all of the UK now. Is that we were the top and then everything changed and we just slowly declined. Well, we fit back in the day? Ever. Well, I guess we're raided by Vikings, aren't we? So maybe there's a time where, but then it stops. There's just no, you know. So it's an island.

And it's a positive argument for immigration. Yeah. Because people would say that we're being invaded nowadays. 100%. We've got a lot fitter due to immigration. Well, yes, but also... I mean, we can be more selective sometimes. I do think that the areas that are the most anti-immigrant

and the most sort of separatist are also. of the ugliest. For sure. And that's not a... It's a confusing thing because surely they should be wanting to be, you know... I think help yourselves out.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think, um... I think like mixed race people are normally significantly more beautiful. So you look at someone like Duolipa, right? So probably one of the most attractive

British people at the moment. She's Albanian... There's a mix there. Yes, and it's because of the Yugoslavian genocide that we got that. Okay? So when there's war and they use,

What's called gyneicide, which is rape as a tool of war. Okay, it's a bit ugly to stomach, but I did my dissertation on part of this. As difficult as it is to digest, it does lead to do a leper. But my problem is the troubles are similar sort of tense period. No, no, no, no. That didn't lead to any fit immigrants. No, because the troubles is British and Irish people. Do you want to see me naked?

Yeah, yeah, no. There's no du a leper. There's none of that, right? The problem is that the Yugoslavia, you've got the eastern Mediterranean. Mediterranean, you've got Bosnian Muslims, you've got Croats, you've got you've got sort of hungarians. You've got strong Serbs. Yeah, but you've basically got Italians

and you've got Turks, you know, so that's already quite fit. This is, yeah, island's a corner. There's, there's nowhere for it to get. There's nothing coming in. Well, there's nowhere out there. It's the sea or it's us. Right. So come on. Richard, now who the fuck's Richard of the Lionheart then? He,

now this stuff's all quite, I find this quite, this is too. This is fiber powder without the water. I find this bit. So he's born into the plantagenet power block. But these are quite an impressive family. Ladies, pack some spare knickers. We're getting into the plantagenet power block.

I think you say that. You get in, I don't know, you take us through this. I don't know what this stuff is. This is chick history. That's why I, because it's,

the women in this period are as interesting as the men. It's like fucking keeping up with the plantagenet. Yes, I know. It's sort of like real housewives. Yes, and I don't. I actually don't find it interesting

because it's too chick history. I take pride in not knowing what any of those shows are called. You know, there's very little ways nowadays in which men can express themselves traditionally in a masculine way because manufacturing's gone.

When I come through the house and I see her watching some tripe on TV and I go, oh, bloody out, watch this. I feel like I'm mining. Yes. Do you know what I mean? I'm flexing.

Yeah. Okay. I'm like, I'm a man and a part of being a man is I don't know what the big bottom women are called. So do you think if you maybe felt emasculated by your wife, she would maybe out of a kindness put some

tripod on just for you to say, bloody I'll turn that off. Yeah, yeah. What's this nonsense? Watching this again? And then maybe later in bed you'd be like, thanks for that. I really,

yeah. You really made me feel powerful. I was going through a hard time. Well, that would be a therapist where I ever to have one would suggest that as a coping mechanism. Yes. But you know I'm going downhill as a person

as a bloke if I ever start referencing characters from any of those shows. The shiny shows where to me it's just a montage of people opening fridges. and getting out of bottles of water. Well, that's sort of what this is. Yes, I know, which is why I deliberately skip this part of the script. Okay, so it's been pretty, it's only was like, what,

100 years ago that 1066 happened, so it's still a relatively new kind of blend of Norman English nobility, right? And because of that, it's like the all nobles and aristocracy in England speak French. There's huge connections to the French lands. And because of a marriage alliance between Richard's dad, Henry II, and Eleanor of Aquitaine, they've made the enjevun empire. Do you know about the enjvignon empire?

Yeah, it's like that, isn't it? It's like, to the Pyrenees, basically. It's basically England and France are one empire. It's disgusting. Awful. So it's an arson toilet. Don't sleep in your toilet. Don't marry your toilet.

Sounds like one of your poems, Charlie. Don't marry it. Don't marry your toilet. Okay. and then basically they're very high achieving family with their literate, they're cultured, they're

good at jousting sports and they're very competitive and basically because Henry the 2nd keeps playing it like Logan Roy in succession battling them out with each other it leads to this like tense

tension because he keeps promising them lands and then not giving the actual power to use it right so they rise up again against him, he puts it down, da-da-da-da-da, and it eventually ends with Richard the Lionheart being picked, partly because Philip the second, who's the King of France,

wanted him to be the king. Okay, so at some point, Richard the Lionheart turns against his dad, right? So he is the, he's the protector of France or something. He's like a secondary role. Yeah. So yeah, 1173, Richard

and Geoffrey joined with their elder, Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff and Richard join their elder brother who is what, Louis. Yeah. And I remember Eleanor of Aquitaine,

Henry II's wives organised this as well. So his wife has organized the kids. Skeaming snake. Yeah. And Henry puts the rebellion down. Yeah.

Puts the kids down and forgives his sons but doesn't forgive his wife. Yes. Locks her away, throws away the key. Well, she's scheming.

She's scheming. Yeah. You can't be doing that. But it seems like everyone was at it. It really is just very like you know those cutaways and keeping up with the Kardashians you know yeah where they talk to camera

yeah exactly and that's when I just felt completely put out and it's all about fucking who got into a limo first on the way to a charity function because they've got too much money and they've got no purpose in life other than just

drinking sippy drinks this could be your subway take I really my subway take blah blah blah the rebellion fails young Henry dies of dysentry people you know it's the middle ages it's hard to have a it's actually quite hard to have a noble end

even people who are always at war they seem to always dying pretty poohing yeah yeah it's like it's like how nowadays childbirth is not as dangerous as it was you know 100 years ago right and so died in childbirth is very very rare thankfully uh in a similar way when you go on the toilet in the medieval age dying on the toilet dying on the toilet so Elvis was a real throwback Elvis had a medieval death. Died on the toilet. Face full of burgers. You know, what a way to go.

Right? But, you know, every time you go to the toilet, you're thinking, could this be it? Yeah. And Charlie, you strike me as someone who would die. I mean, it smelled like he died on the toilet.

Fatal digestive collapse. I can imagine reading your obituary. I really don't. I don't want to die on the toilet. No, but I think you die in the shower, but you should have been on the toilet. When you strain, though, it's like, if I had a heart,

It doesn't also how humiliate it because you'd be like face down on the floor with your bum in the air Yeah, you'd be like court to prayer You'd be like praying You're like Muslim praying But you're bum's out You poo when you die right

So you just be kind of like Continuously pooing No, you don't poo when you die Do not I think you do You know If you shoot yourself You don't also poo

You sure about that I think you might poo when you die I don't think you poo and you die Let's find out Yes it's common to poo Pee or pass gas When you die or shortly after Yeah, you can fart.

I don't want to be found face down on the child's farting. You don't poo as you die. Like it's a button that you press. But it's like there's a release, right? Sometimes. But also, you know, there's a, it depends if you got poo in there, right? If you've just gone through poo. Oh, you got poo in there.

Well. When have you never ever not had poo in there? What are you saying? I don't think you're... It would also be a metaphor. If you died on the toilet and you, and you would continue to poo, it'd be like, well, he never finished what he, he never finished what he started. Pirates.

And that's really a fitting testament to his whole life. Yeah. So I don't want to die like that. Don't judge me. Don't judge me until the last bit of poo has come out. And then you remember me for that. That's my legacy is the last bit of poo I do as I die. No.

But yeah, no, it's not, it may be common to poo after you die, but, you know, it's not like it happens every time after I die. Well, yes. It's hard to imagine someone's so vital on the toilet, not pooing even in death. I'm vital. Hey? When you're, in the bathroom. Clearly, you were scurrying around like a rat, your whole holiday.

His poor girlfriend thought she would have been attacked by crabs. She said it was like a wall. Sorry? She said it was a wall of smell. A wall of smell. The worst thing she'd ever smell. Yeah. But I think the funniest part is just the furious flushing. Just hit. Panicking. I'm panicking. I can't go get help. You're a friend of getting the flush. And when you can't see him, you can just hear. There's no sad of sound actually than like a flush where the water it's gone too fast and it's just come on come on yeah but you've got your own i don't know why the panic because you've got your own floor and he's made use of it yeah someone's gonna have to come help me if it if like i break it right

yeah he'd also you you'd you'd you'd gone for like a little nap and then um andrew and his girlfriend come up to check on you and you got very embarrassed in you oh it's so red because i just i had He'd been fighting in there for three hours. And then she came up and looked like a tea in her face that she knew. And she knew that I knew. She never went up again. She never went up again. And apparently Andrew didn't even say anything because I looked so vulnerable and like,

scared. He thought I just had a nap, but I'd just been like kind of, yeah. You've gone to just sort of fart. Yeah. Alone. Right. Which is a better way of doing. No, it is.

No, I agree. Yeah. I'm trying. Just like, oh, let's check on. Oh, no. Oh. It sort of feels like you and a. Andrew, when I'm on a couple's holiday,

with like a sort of dying dog. Really? It was. He kept making these awful smells and sort of taking himself away thinking he was going to die. It's like our dogs take themselves off to die. It certainly is a great lesson in what a man unchecked,

how the difference in the way you're out. You're 30 now, Charlie. You're 30. I know, I know. I was talking about that. I mean, like, my parents had me. You're talking about trying to meet a woman, but it's like,

smash that flush button. I mean, my parents had me when they were 30, you know. I had my daughter when I was 30. Really? Yeah, and you're panic flushing on the top four of a chalet. You know, I do, I do wonder. No, I'm worried. Yeah.

Things are starting to slip, honestly. Starting. Starting to slip. A man cannot go unchecked. You Kobe Bryant, your poo from the shower for three years. And things are only now. I was up then. Yeah, you're up there with the three points record

for the amount of shit you threw in your loot. You hear a buzzer. Right, look, we've been going a long time. Come on. We need to just, we need to get to the... Let's land this plane. Right, we need to land this plane. And in the Christian sense,

not in the Muslim one. Yeah, the traditional. The traditional way. Runway. Call me a traditionalist. Call me old-fashioned. I'd like the plane to land on a runway. In November 1188,

Richard takes a decisive step, okay? he performs homage to Philip the 2nd of France. We'll get into what that might mean in the next episode. This means it's openly defying his father, Henry the 2nd. And so Philip and Richard, they then campaign in Western France. Henry the 2nd support starts to erode. Nobles are defecting to Richard. He's ill, Hemley the 2nd.

And then he basically gives up the... No, he doesn't... Then he just dies suddenly. Yeah. He's coronated in Westminster Abbey, 3rd of September 1189. And the coronation celebrations are marred by anti-Jewish violence in London. Which feels a little bit like, now, where did you get? Why did you make that link?

Talk me through that leap and just took that. Oh, we've got a new king. Charge! You know. But in medieval England, everything Jewish people owned was the property of the king. Right. And many were money lenders because Christians are restricted from lending money and making interest off it. so the king

can tax them heavily which gives them an incentive to protect them so maybe they think maybe they think that in that little interim period as the crown goes from one to the other

but is it like in the middle ages were Jews like swans where they're like owned by the crown well the queen can eat them well the queen owns owns all the swans right technically yes with the king now

the king so we'll have kings for a while it seems. So that's safe no matter what whatever happens. Because the queens just don't die. They just stay forever. Kings die. My grandma, yeah. Granite. So anyway,

supposedly some prominent Jews come to Westminster to present gifts to the new king, which is an established custom, but they get turned away by royal officials and then violence breaks out almost immediately. And then rumours spread in London that the king had ordered Jews to be attacked. No, I wonder who started those rumours. Well, it doesn't take much, I suppose.

and so there's a big, there's a big riot and, um, anyway. Riot has destroyed London's jury. Now the jury, that's not, that's not the Jewish people of London. That's a place called the jury, which I don't think you could call it that now. Oh, what that's... You wouldn't call Golders Green the jury, would you? Not now, but that's where the name the jury comes from. Seemingly.

Yeah. So what part of London was the jury in the 1100s, please? The Jewish district. What's the Jewish district in the 1100s? Because there's obviously there's a lot of East, East End Jews in the 1800s, setting up bakeries. Guilt Hall, cheap side.

Well, I mean, come on. Come on. Come on. They're not going to be on it. They're not going to go on overpriced side. Do yourself a favour, lads. You're living in cheapside.

Where do you want to live? Ah, this. I don't like the sound of this. Cheapside, you guys. I don't want to live in rip-off, Hall. I want to live on cheap side. Yeah. Anyway, so...

Poor Jews. They just get it. We're talking about fucking... They're not even part of this fight. They're still... It's Christians versus Muslims and then both unite to dick on the Jews

and then go back at it. Historically, Jews are addicted to catching strays. Yeah. They're just addicted to it. But then the problem is that if you make your personality, I'm the guy that catches strays, there's red rags to a bull. Right.

So they need to stop... There's a branding that needs to check. Stop wearing. What are you wearing? Stop wearing it. Take the hat off. Right. He supposedly suppresses the widespread anti-Jewish hostility.

Blah, blah, blah. He quite quickly becomes prioritised on raising funds for a third crusade. He sells offices. He monetizes his legal power. He pushes revenue extraction hard. He tries to sell London. He's just selling it off. It's a fire cell.

It's Thatcher in the 80s. The Qataris are coming in. Get rid of it. Give it to the Russians. I don't care. Now his brother John, who's a bit of a cunt, he sort of, that will be a whole little powerplay that we won't get into now. So he banishes John into exile for three years. But the mythic tale of Robin Hood, the whole story is that the great noble king is away in the crusades.

And his cunt brother is running it. Which we're going to do with the Patreon on Robin Hood this week. Anyway, in the month of July 1190, King Richard the Lionheart sets off. He's not the line heart yet. King Richard, the probably got a dicky heart. He's not eating fiber. He sets off for the Crusades from Portsmouth,

the fourth holiest city in the Christian world. In our next episode, we will deal with the showdown between salad cream and Richard from Portsmouth. That episode's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month, you get instant access to series, you get bonus episodes,

you get exclusive merch. We are nearly at 3,000. 30,000 people. Mentor. We are genuinely now bigger than Hamas. Come here, son. What's Hamas membership?

It's down to 20,000. Wow. And we are also similarly being prescribed as a terrorist organization. So many of these people. Similar views on women. Similar views on women.

Similar amount of swords in their houses, I imagine. Sign up to the Patreon. I mean, it's the People's Crusade. Yeah, no, it is. Please join. We're going to do an early bird stag dude to the Middle East.

So that's on the Patreon already. And if not, we'll see you on Thursday for the epic battles between Richard the Lionheart and Mr. Jihad. Alive! See you next time. Goodbye.