Fin vs History - Fascist Eurovision | The History of The World Cup (Part 1/4)

Episode Date: June 8, 2026

Was Hitler Any Good At Keepy Uppies?    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor   This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.   Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This spring, denim gets a softer, lighter update. Introducing Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg, a new fit that moves with you. It's everything you want denim to feel like for summer. Easy, breathable and effortlessly cool. With a fit that creates natural movement and a wide leg that feels modern, not overwhelming. Plus, that signature, wait, for this price, moment. Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg. Yeah, Maradonna in 86.

I mean, where'd you even begin? What can you say about Maradona that hasn't already been said? He's black, he's not, but people haven't called him that, so. I'm telling you, no one, no one had it like Diego. They were talented players on our team,

but we weren't allowed to do what he could do. It were like he were playing a different game. I remember trying to get the ball off, and you just couldn't, because he just held on so tight. He was doing things with a football that we just couldn't. He was literally picking it up and bouncing it on the floor with his hands.

You know, I'd put him up there with LeBron and Michael Jordan as one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Sadly, we were playing football. You know, modern football is all about the system now, the team. It's not like the old days, the magic, where it was just about just moving around, not even using your feet, just jumping up and punching it past the keeper. He had the left foot of push-cats.

He had the right foot of Pelle and the uppercata, a George Foreman. Football has rules and he did not stick to him ever. I mean, he took the rule book, chopped it up, racked it into a line, snorted it. Unbelievable. What a player. I don't know what drug he was taking, but he had cocaine all over his face. He was definitely the biggest inspiration in my life. Defendant's history joining me is the ratio goals. And today...

I feel African. I feel disabled. Today I feel gay. Today I feel disabled. Today I feel like being pegged by trans man. That's me responding to comments on my Instagram reels. The Long Road to Gianni Infantino. The peak press conference.

We're talking about the history of the World Cup. It's World Cup Fortnite. The World Cup is on, I think, as this goes out. I hope that's the plan. That was the plan. We'd be very stupid if it wasn't. because we'll have just missed it. We've missed it.

This might have been, you might, the end of the World Cup, the theme is over now the history of the World Cup. We've completely ruined this. This is going out during the England test summer. And it's a four-part series. We'll be joined by the Upshot.

Probably they're in our sphere, I'd say. I think so, yeah. Of like, I don't know, just having a plan. Have a podcast that's researched, but ultimately you still just talk about people being gay and autistic. And Pidos. And Pidos.

Yeah. It's paying a full-time researcher just as, talk about the Nazis, pedos being gay. Yeah, exactly. That's the sphere. If you can research everything else, we'll just talk about how they're all pedos and gay and Nazis. Okay.

But they do that, but for sport. Brilliant podcast. They'll be in next episode. But we're breaking the World Cup down to four parts. I'll say now this is one of my favorites, I think. It's amazing doing the research. Yeah, it's been sort of fucked from the art. From the beginning.

People talking about the World Cup's gone corrupt. It's basically from the get-go. It was founded. The least corrupt has ever been. It's got less corrupt over time. Qatar was the cleanest World Cup there's ever been It's crazy

Out the gate Just pure evil Pure evil But founded on a mad promise Yes He wanted to make a pure World Cup Who's he?

Jules Rame Yeah The guy who founded it Which we'll get to Obviously this story Begins in I'd say My favourite time

And yours 1890s Europe Don't pull that Put off the gate Pulling me down with you is you to traverse We've hosted a podcast for a year and a half.

There's only so much distancing you can do now from this. I barely knew him. The cognitive distance you operate in. Yeah, no,

he says some wild stuff. Yeah, he says some stuff, you know. I bet, you know, I'm allowed to leave some shots.

Just because you're bowling. Doesn't mean that I'm you. No, what's happened to your stamps though? So we start this story in the 1890s. Or rather, the guy that starts this story

is a guy called Jewel Rime. A Frenchman, a mad Frenchman. Off his head. Off his nut. He's born in 1870s in a small village in France. It's the 70s. It's not the 70s, it's the 1870s. But as a young man, he moves to Paris.

And in the 1890s, he begins breathing in the air of 1890s Europe. A lot of mad ideas. It still smells of shit, but there's some mad ideas around. Yeah. You know, phrenology. Sure. the idea that you could see a criminal just by looking about how long is four-armors. It's the golden age of ranking races.

Yes. Which Chat-G-T refuses to do. Yeah, but YouTubers do. Tier list. Yeah. If we're going to rank races now, let's do a clip for the... Yeah, let's get a... Right.

So you've got S-tier, A-tier, B-tier C-tier. Okay. White. I let's see, colour. No, he's left that one. Fair enough. I thought we could do a little clip there. No.

What have you got found, Charlie? This is an obese baby, unnamed. from 1904. It's like the unnamed soldier. I think it survived 11 hours, although that baby looks older than 11 hours. They don't start smiling until about three, four months. I don't like them until they're at least two.

In a normal way. Yeah. So that's the site, yeah, that's not 11 hour baby. Fine. Hit this fat brother, it's sort of. Yes, Lord. So we're in the 1890s,

and Jules Rameh is a, French lawyer. I think he's had a pretty shit amateur football career. He should be. It's a slur. Not Jules Rimmer, Charlie. What is Muckrack? Get that off the screen. Get that off the screen. Is that one of your disgusting sites? Muckrack.com. I'm not runger. So Jules Rameh is a Frenchman who

I think maybe been an amateur footballer for a bit. But when he moves to Paris, he realizes that everyone's very poor. And he gets sad about that. And also, this is the era of amateur football. Yes. So you can't do it. You can't compete if you're being. paid. And I think yes and certainly in English sport

and culture there's a lot of respect for the amateur and it's a class thing as we talk about in the cricket series it's the more noble thing is to not do it professionally do it for the love of the game professionalism. It ruins it. It's similar with you in phonology. Yes, yes exactly. Professional phrenology, it's like that's working class

phonology. Yeah. That's not the gentleman does it. I don't take a fee when I conduct my phrenological experiments. You're doing it as a exercise in honor in curiosity and a gift to the world. Yes. To professionalise it would be to ruin it.

To ruin it. It would take all the love out of it I have for it. You know, don't make your hobby or job. Yes. Yeah. I'm not a phrenology prostitute. No. God, no.

I'm a phrenology pimp. But you will use a lot of prostitutes in your experiments. Of course. Someone needs to categorize what's going on. How big are their heads? Is that why? Is that why they're a prostitute? Is their head too big?

I'm not drawing any conclusions, but I am an author now. Yeah. Anyway, so Jules Rame is in 1890s Paris. A lot of other crazy ideas are going on at this time. Who's around? This is the birth of sociology. In Paris? 1890s France.

This is the Belapoc. This is the fantasy actually. Yeah. It's funny that that's where it all came and Belapoc means like the good times. Good times. You view it as the good times. Yes, exactly. I called it the Belapok.

Yeah, so this is, but what's very funny is that the stereotype of the kind of brood depressed French nihilistic intellectual Beret cigarette Yeah sociology is invented with a text in 1899 by a guy called Durkheim And the book is called suicide

Right And it's about how Does that have a subtitle No, it's just called suicide And it's like suicide It's not just a mad When you are mad It's because the world

is leaving you bad And he basically He frames suicide As a result of sociological stuff rather than just a mad cunt. What is a response to your place in the social hierarchy?

He takes a lot of data and he finds that Protestants kill themselves more than Catholics, obviously. Right. Because we're not a burden to the state. No, because they have less ties to the community.

But they're less involved. It's less about the family. It's about coming together. It's more individualistic. So he sort of... Yeah, there's nothing more individualistic than killing yourself. Yes, it's the old.

Right. Exactly. So, but he finds that prostans is more than Catholics, which then sort of goes against the idea that it's just because you're a mad cunt that you kill yourself. So this is the birth of sociology.

Okay, right. It's explaining suicide. That's the first thing. That you're just mental. Not that you're just mental. Right. Although that can happen, I'm sure. So to place, I mean,

FIFA is founded in 1904, to place that, it is after suicide is explained in 18909, and it's before Franz Reifel jumps from the Eiffel Tower. and accidentally commit suicide. Is it suicide? You have to mean it if you're doing suicide. Yeah, he thought he could fly.

So he wasn't suicide? No. Well, it was. What's the definition of suicide? I don't know. Right, Charlie's just Google. Does suicide require intent? And the Samaritans have caught.

Samaritans have cock blocked us. Defines suicide. It's the act of intentionally causing one's own death. So he didn't commit suicide? No. What's the word for accidentally killing it? self. Unintentional self-inflicted death.

Misadventure. It was a misadventure. Yeah. The misadventures of France rifles. The unintentional self-inflicted death. Yeah. Yeah. So FIFA is founded in 1904.

Before this, football is a game that is sort of barely international. England had played Scotland in the first international match in the 1870s. And it's a game for posh people at this point. Yes. This is where it starts off, right? Yeah. And it comes from the traditions of, there's been medieval traditions early

where you just have a big pig splatter and you beat the shit at each other and the balls sort of nearby. Yeah. Go to the Athlestone Derby. It's where Josh Pugh's from. Yeah, that game. It's just a horde of men.

One of my pet peeves is when people try and talk about football, like early signs of football. Like, FIFA always try and say football was invented in China. You notice this? Yeah, that's a lot. Because they hate to give it to England. Well, they hate England.

Yes. Because there's a French Federation. Yeah. And they're pissed off that we invented it. Yeah. And they'll always say shit like it actually started in China. No, they were kicking heads down the stairs. Yeah, that's not the same.

That's not. You can't say that that's early football. But then also this is very funny how this is, we're watching footage of the historic Derbyshire football match where someone throws a ball into a massive crowd. Everyone beats the shit out of you down. Now, it's quite funny that this is happening. 60s, 67. This is basically

this is what the Spanish think is English football This is This is Sam Adelaidey But there is a link to this Our approach to England football Is because We do that We started with that

We started with this Fucking get it off it Fucking get out of there Get rid of it Put a challenge in Yeah Like a lot of Spanish footballers When they come over to England

They realise that In Spain you don't applaud a slide tackle in the same way In England we We applaud slide tackles More than anything Yes that's true you get stuck in, it's like,

oh, that noise, the crunch. Yeah, yeah, that's what we believe in. Yeah. Do you imagine

there are positions at all in the Shrove Tide? I don't know. I think the ball is completely incidental. The level of tactical sophistication someone would have to have. I don't know if it's zonal. I think it's zonal.

Is it the Gengen press? Is it like, is a man-marking someone in that cord? I think that's hate a hate crime if you attacks on that. So that, yeah, the noise of a slide tackle

in it there's no greater sound yeah the crunch there's no greater sound than Phil Babb I guess unintentional self-custrating himself on the poll on the goal post against Chelsea in 1998 anyway Jeul Ramee is

he doesn't found FIFA but he's knocking about the founding members are like who are the founding members France England go no this is woke nonsense yes so it's France Belgium Denmark Netherlands Spain Sweden and Switzerland Germany... It's very similar to the EU.

Yes. Where we ignore them to begin with because we think we're better than them. And then we come crawling back. Yes. Yes, exactly. It's the same sort of... And I do find it fascinating

the tension between England and France where... And I would actually make a link to Protestant and Catholic cultures. Please. Where England sporting tradition of inventing sports... Yes.

Having a laugh, not taking it that seriously, it's more of an excuse to get out and drink. Yes. It comes from the Protestant individual sort of you can come up with your own rules it's a village thing you kind of self-organise and the French they don't come up with their own things they love a federation

their Olympics FIFA I bet they're the ones involved in the tennis like any of the England invent the sports and the French run a corrupt bureaucracy that runs like the Catholic Church or the EU yes exactly yeah that's that's that's that's the huge tension with the fucking break from Rome

at Brexit early fucking FIFA is that the European Federation, we think it stinks, basically. Yes. We can never really fit in. So they found this and even goes, no, that's Catholic bullshit. Yeah, because it's also like you're taking it too seriously almost. Yeah, exactly.

It's a laugh. Yeah. Well, we're all just having a bundle in the street with a ball. Guys, I don't know why you're making this. Why are you making it gay? Why are we all wearing suits smoking, talking about? So, but initially, it's all tied to the Olympics. Yeah.

Initially, FIFA tries to start a tournament with just like Switzerland and Sweden and shit and everyone's like that rubbish fuck off then so they start organising it in the Olympics

and Eurograi win the first two titles in the Olympics now it's all amateur and I suppose the footballers at this day and age

it's a bit like Raygun in the Olympics break dancing what is it's a pure form of

yes it's untouched by commercial realities also professional discipline yes it's much more of an expression

Yeah. You know, early form of the sport or art form. And it's only when, you know, the Europeans start getting involved and it becomes a sort of commercial reality. It becomes something else becomes, yeah. The kind of... The innocence has gone. Yes.

The idea of... I'd say Raygun is a noble savage. Break dancing. I imagine in 100 years when breakdancing is this huge commercial enterprise. People look back in Ray Gunn saying that was actually the Golden Age of Breakdard. What have we lost? What have we lost? She was pretty big.

pissed off with how people responded to it. She sued people. Yeah. Now, what did she say? What did she say? She was, she was exploring mental health? So was she that, what's going, because she made it in, so surely she wasn't,

why was it so funny? Because, uh, it's like someone had asked me to breakdance the minute before an Olympic breakdancing. Top 10, Illis Ray Gunners. It's also her face. Like she looks like she's kind of. She backs it. No.

It's, it's a woman who's had too much chardonnay at a head. do and then start just you know they go to an urban club she starts doing this yeah taming the cobra i mean this is fucking will feral stuff like um yeah there's also it's kind of breakdancing yeah it's breakdancing caron oh yeah the moving your hand towards your leg like that that's genuinely and i don't mean this disrespectually as well i genuinely i could do this I could do this and I did break dancing as we've discussed

for two terms at university So have you got some of these in your locker? No, she's doing things that the breakdance community don't agree with Yeah, it just It looks There doesn't seem to be any physical

skill involved Anyway Yeah This is what I imagine The early The 1920s Uruguine team Were like In that they were like

The best there's ever been, but it's the 20s. So I imagine it was across shit. It's crap. But they win gold in the 94 and 1928 Olympics. Now, so that is why when FIFA, now this Jules Rame guy,

he becomes the president of FIFA in 1921, I think, and he's like, we've got to get rid of this amateur thing, but we have to pay them. And the Olympics are like, no, that would ruin it. But then he goes, fuck it. I'm going to start a tournament

a breakaway tournament and he had fought in the First World War and he thinks what if there's a football tournament that would replace war? Right, straight Eurovision. Basically. Yeah. Eurovision's around, of course, at this point.

Eurovision's the oldest tournament in the game. In England it had started in the 16th century with just a bunch of straight blokes sort of beating up gays in the street. Which wasn't, yeah. That's the original Eurovision. That's the founding principles. The founding principle, it has completely changed.

I don't watch it anymore because it's changed too much from a village in Derbyshire beating the fuck out of a gay bloke right that was the original Eurovision they chuck a gay bloke out of window and then they all scrobble to beat them up right

it's now unrecognizable it's got rich roots it has yes did you watch the English version of Eurovision this year I genuinely the computer says no whatever it's called

yeah I genuinely wanted to emigrate watching that where to Europe no to anywhere I genuinely what because you're ashamed I was deeply ashamed that this is our country.

I genuinely thought about joining the fucking Unite the rally, Unite the Kingdom rally, when I saw this. It was bad, but it's better to do silly than serious. Because before we used to get knocked out when we're singing ballads, and that's embarrassing to be like, my love and hearts will go on. No, I don't think it's embarrassing. It's more embarrassing.

It's less embarrassing to do weird shit and come last, because we just know we're coming last. But do you think we should take it more seriously? Look, there's nothing wrong with doing the ball. It's a gay competition. Do you think we should put Harry Stiles up? Well, why don't we? I don't know why.

Why don't we just try and win it? Let's just fucking, we'd clean sweet. Like we can't win the actual World Cup, the Football World Cup. We could easily win this. We're like, we've got Harry Stiles. We've got all of them. We've got fucking Paul McCarney. Put Paul McCarney on.

Elton John. You know. But I guess the truth is it's like the early World Cup. It's about amateurs, right? Yes. I guess it is. And we've got too much of a professionalized music industry. What is the actual criteria for being in Eurovision?

Truth is the reason why the UK, though we produce the best music by far compared to Europe, we come last in Eurovision every year. What's going on there, the dissonance is we've got such a professionalised music industry. Yes. And it's so easy if you're talented to become professional here because it's such a rich scene comparatively. Yes. That if you're an amateur, you have to be complete crap, right? Whereas in Romania, the greatest singer in Romania is still an amateur.

and they put them forward it means something but this is very much the tallest The greatest is singing in Romania is probably a sex slave let's be real let's be real about it Thanks for keeping it real

let's let's be real about it okay no the British entry into Eurovision was a disgrace and it's the first time I felt like joining a United Kingdom rally and if they got a voxbunuch

I don't know if the United Kingdom are talking about Eurovision no they're not but they should be it might be the opposite vibe to Eurovision well I can't do this at the Palestine mark

where's the march I don't know if that was the number one issue I don't think Elon Musk was zooming in to say your Eurovision it was a disgrace this is how far this country has fallen

right but you know look mum no computer I do think there's a lot of links to Eurovision and our approach to it where we're not taking these tournaments

seriously because we have too high we have too high opinions of ourselves well we yes there will be what will happen similar to football we'll finally take it seriously

and we'll get beaten and it'll be a national embarrassment yeah that's why we need to get Paul McCartney We just take it seriously. Yeah. Win it and then go, oh, fuck it.

We'll let look, my... Medley with Harry Stiles, Paul McCartney, do a leper. Let's just fucking... Just fuck off. Yeah. We're better than you. Because we need it now. We're in the toilet. Yeah.

Imagine if we got Harry Stiles, Paul McCartney and do a leap and Elton John out, medley, eight minutes, and then they all just left going, fuck off. Yeah. And we made fun of everyone saying, you're never going to make it. Stupid. Go back to being a dentist. One of them was an assistant for a dentist. It's like the San Marino football team.

They're all got other jobs. Yeah. And the Bulgarian woman was like a rank. Have you seen no one? I thought it was quite offensive. I thought it was incredibly offensive. Literally, the winning Eurovision is. It's like the crazy frog.

It's Indian or something. It's incredibly offensive. Anyway. Israel came very close to winning. That would have been absolutely hilarious. It was so close because I was watching on the night and so many booze in the room. But they came second on the audience vote.

Swepped up in the audience vote, which is interesting. Well, if I may, I think it might be because there are people who really support Israel full stop. So they might not even be watching the show, but they want to support Israel in any case. Just you know, we did a podcast

earlier today. The other other podcasts we do, and that was the point I made, and now he's just raised it as if it's his own. Right. Charlie, I don't think you should get political, Charlie. I have very political.

He just said what I said on another podcast. And it's his own opinion. Shameless. To the person who's opinion you took. If you're doing that, the person whose opinion you took can't be in the room. Yeah? you have to do that on your other podcast

although because he was in the room as well yeah so yeah it's a smoking error of a pub yeah so Eurogris anyway so this Jewelramé guy he's like let's build a tournament that's professional

will actually pay the players fuck off the IOC and so we get to the first World Cup which is held in Uruguay and they'd won the Olympics tournaments in 1930 So that's why Uruguay have four stars in their badge

because of the two Olympics and the two World Cup Which is like, well, all right. What's the rules then? Well, we can all, just ask me anything. I got fucking chock up my Frosties 500 metre Swimming Badge on. Well, they might as well be the swimming badges.

I put a star for my swimming badges. Yeah, it might as well be fucking brownie for cub badges, you know. Anyway, so 13 teams compete. Egypt were going to compete. They didn't, they missed their boat. Fair enough. Not today.

Now, this is a big not today actually. Big not today. An iconic not today. Not this month. Yeah. In history's great, not today. That must be To miss the boat for the first

World Cup We should do that We should do a list of History is greatest Not today's So now Mexico in the United States Argentina

Bolivia Bolivia Brazil Chile Paraguay Peru Uruguay obviously

Belgium France Romania Yugoslavia Now more European countries are invited but they all say no

Why is it in Uruguay Where is that Fair enough They seem What even is that country Yeah And then it's also in the aftermath of the Great Depression.

So Uruguay are offering to like pay for people's transport. Yeah. But still people are still a relatively new country. It's a tiny country as well. But I guess for the fact they've won the two Olympics, that's like a huge sense of national pride. Yes. For them.

And it must be said that their playing style, the reason they were so good, supposedly, is that they weren't throwing a ball out of a window and beating everyone up. They were passing it less than. It was revolutionary. Yeah, it was. They were passing it like sideways. Yeah.

Incredible. So they had a massive rivalry with Argentina I mean South American football rivalries It does take another level I think And throughout this whole story Yeah They have It's never a laugh

Which is funny when you consider that when we get into the 70s Because we've got a lot of rivalries There's a lot of hooliganism And there's a lot of bad stuff that happens with British fans But it's still, it's fundamentally having banter doing coke and pit beers But here it's like They're chopping referees heads off

they're calling all the other team goat fuckers. Yeah. But also bear in mind that like European rivalries, when Germany play Holland in the 1974 World Cup final, I mean, Germany had occupied Holland 20 years previously, 30 years previously, had killed. Holocaust. Holocaust. So that's our patron.

They had not holocaust be thy name. They'd holocausted them. And then they're just like, oh yeah, it's a bit of a ding-don, isn't it? It's just a game. Yeah. And these guys are assassinating defenders for scoring an own goal. No one's laughing, though, are they? No.

It's intense. Anyway, so Uruguay and Argentina hate each other. So they get to the final and they don't trust each other. So they have to, I think the first half Argentina play with their ball that they bought, like their three. Yeah. And Uruguay play with their ball. And Uruguay end up winning. I mean, the rival fans are chucking rocks at the players.

Yes. So it's that. And the players are chucking them back. There's a black player, and pretty much early on, everyone, they don't have the most enlightened opinions about black players. To this day in Uruguay and Argentina, I would posit. But back then in the 30s there, so they're throwing rocks at the black player, then the black player pick up the stones and throws them back to the crowd.

Then also there's a guy called, like, the maimed one. What's he called? El Mancoe, the maimed. He'd lost part of his right forearm in an accident with an electric sore, and despite the disability, he scores Uruguay's first ever World Cup goal. Amazing, but do you agree that we should sort of chalk these titles off? This is not a World Cup win. No.

If one of your players is disabled. It's basically the Paralympics. Yes, it is the Paralympics. They win four to, and they, the first people to lift the Jules Ramei trophy, which is this 14-inch gold statuette of Nike, the Greek goddess of victory. Nike? Yeah. That's where that comes from.

That's where it comes from. So that's the first World Cup, 1930. Eurogride win, but who gives a shit? Yeah. They do. Yeah, they do. But come on. A big deal.

Now things start to get really interesting, okay? Because this is the long road to Qatar. This is the long road to Gianni Infantino. Yeah, this is long road to I am gay, I am retarded. Yes, exactly. No, he didn't say that. Sorry, but it was basically. Today, I am retarded.

Today, I am retard. Amazing. An Italian millionaire who had ginger hair. once says that he feels like a disabled gay African it's amazing there's a heckle put down is pretty good what I think that's racist well today I am African

anyway so the next World Cup is in 34 otherwise known as Mussolini's World Cup let's we haven't jumped into the hot bath Mussolini it's a fucking hot bath that's delicious bath we're saying we will be doing Mussolini but

he's the first he's the he's the he's the compocha mother of fascism and though he's a fascist leader Because he's got an Italian name, hard to take him seriously. He does sound like a type of pasta. He does? Mussolini. Yeah, everyone knows.

Yeah, tomato a la Mussolini. Fish pasta. Delicious. Yeah. Mussolini, the fascist patient zero, the sourdough starter of fascism. Which he needs to get, you know, put some respect on his name.

Yeah, yeah. People don't really. People forget, because of how much the Italians fucked it, he'll forget that he was the first guy to ever do it. He didn't have anyone to look up to. He ran so Hitler could walk. He walked so Hitler could walk. walked so Hitler could goate.

Yeah, yeah. Mussolini's the goat, the original, okay? Now, he, Mussolini, basically, I don't know how he gets the World Cup from FIFA, but when we're talking about FIFA as this corrupt organization. But I don't think anyone really wants it at this time. I don't know what it is.

But he does, because he sees it. He's like, he's a visionary. He is a visionary. He's like, I can see that hosting a tournament would put Italian fascism on the map. Yeah. And it would be a great proponent. am fascist.

Today I am fascist. Today I am Nazi. So the 34 World Cup, that had qualification for the first time. 32 nations are competing. There are no group stages. So it's just you lose, fuck off. Fuck off. So like the US, the US came all the way over by boat, opening match against Italy.

Seven one lost, back home, fuck off. Out of the window. See you later. So we can't see any footage of this, right? This is too early. We really don't know what sort of... Well, Italy at this time are supposedly a very good team.

But Mussolini doesn't want to let any chance of him not winning the World Cup like go to waste. So he basically he ricks the entire tournament. So all the... He's got like...

He makes it, he thinks that full stadiums will show how good fascism is. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The price is right fortune pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. This episode is brought to you by Activia. You might already be eating yogurt, but not all yogurts are created equal. Activia contains over 1 billion probiotics per serving to survive and reach the gut alive.

When it comes to gut health, Activia is the number one family doctor-recommended probiotic yogurt brand. Choose Activia, feel good from the inside out. Visitactivia.ca for more details. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33. display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary.

Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. So there's like, so foreign players are banned from the Syria season. And then what he does is he takes South American players are really good. and he basically renationalizes them. So they're called the audience.

Because there's a lot of Italians in Argentina. Yeah. Messies in Italian, Argentinian. But this is, this is pre-World War II. So this is fine. Fine.

So it's fine. Yeah, fine immigration. It's fine. If you see an Argentinian with a German name, like who's that Argentinian footballer who's got a German,

like Reichard or something. Yeah. You're just like, right. Okay, well, what's your granddad? Go on. Anyway, they were managed by a guy

called Victoria Pozo, who was a kind of, supposedly like a early visionary managerial genius. He basically was a fascist on the training pitch. Well, this is what's weird. I've always found this weird about Italian football. Maybe it comes from this is it doesn't make sense that Italian football culture, Italian football leagues,

are all about defense and unity and structure. The Italian footballer, they prioritise the defender above all else. If you think of Italians, you think of Kealini, you think of Catanacho, Canavaro, Maldini. you think those are the great Italian players but why you don't think of Italia Italy as a defensive nation. Yes you do yes you do. Why?

If you just eat Italian food for a week right you're blocked up nothing's coming out nothing's getting through there nothing's getting through there that's why they don't have pacey wingers yeah exactly you got fucking fat mafiosos you got lasagna in your subject nothing's getting through there

I see nothing's coming out no yes you're right it's a weird clash though because you just you would think it would be much free flowing and sort of like loose and like emotional no but it's shithousery it's diving it's not taking responsibility for anything okay

it is Italian you know the catanacho which is the that's Aragosaki in the 80s he takes he takes Christ's total football and makes it boring and that's it doesn't feel like an Italian thing to do to take a Dutch thing and make it boring it's upside down how are the Dutch total free flowing football

and Italians are rigid boring football it's a it makes it makes sense when you say it like that. But the Italians will do anything to win. Yeah. Okay. Which is why they're obsessed with defense. Yeah.

And strength and cheating. Yeah. Right. Because this is born in Mussolini's World Cup. I guess the Netherlands is a lot of weed. It's very like, it's free love. By the 70s. Yeah.

So Mussolini says that Jules Ramay's trophy is not big enough and commissions a Copa del ducche, which is like six times the size. life size a trophy you can get a photo bit up Charlie I mean it's the links to the bottom of day though

it's just nothing's changed no Trump getting a massive fucking peace award from FIFA it's just it's the exact same shit it was always this corrupt

guys the World Cup was always in the sewer right I mean it's a nice trophy it was six times taller than the Jeul Ramay trophy yeah now one of the great

teams of the era somehow are Austrian the office Austrian Wunder team of the 30s, they were kind of... But was it coming off the back of the Viennese coffee house sort of liberal... What I was saying was that Austria, in this point, this is three years pre-Aunchalus, four years pre-Auncheus. Right. It's a difficult time for Austria.

Okay. Who are we? Who are we? Are we just German? Yes. Yes, you are. As we've always said, we are pro-Anchalus as a pod. The Angulus was the greatest thing.

Nazis ever did. Yeah, we both agreed that if Hitler stopped at the Angelus, what a great. Perfect, Phil. What a great guy. Surely he would be remembered relatively well. One of the finance politicians has ever lived. You know, he did what he came.

It was the latest stuff. The experiments. Hitler's early stuff was fine. Okay? When he started fucking kid-eying it on the eastern front. Yeah. A bit weird for me. Too rich.

What? What happened to just guitars, man? And melody. Yeah. the melody of crystal nach anyway yeah the Austria obviously had the

Vietnamese the melody of crystal that no we're talking about the angst don't bring out are you stuck that in there yeah yeah that's what I mean is that you can't distance yourself but you don't fucking pick up

oh the goldenades of crystal now yeah anyway that's Pablo Honey yeah anyway the Austria had obviously had the Vietnamese Mozart opera or that

been the high point of culture and then it all kind of gone into the gutter. So the one thing they had at this time was this amazing football team. And again, it's the 30s. So how good at football are they? They're wearing scaffolding boots, probably.

Yeah. They're wearing a three-piece suit. Exactly. Well, the referees are generally wearing three-piece suit. Hugo Meisel is the architect. He's the kind of Austrian Guardiola. We look like two players up front. This is what they're wearing.

This is the starting strike force. This is the football boot. Him for Spala, the player with a baller. brain. So he was the visionary coach who created the Wunder team. They were unbeaten between 31 and 32. How many games do they play? Don't know.

So there's a guy up front called Mattaya Sindelar who was like the Austrian Ronaldo of the 30s. I'm listening. The paper thin man, right? He was had a slight build and he was incredible goal scorer, supposedly. But they said they were, they probably peaked just before the World Cup in the West Lees. The team has been the first national team to play total football.

So I guess that is also coming from the liberalism of Vienna, right? That's what's feeding into it. Well, it's also, I guess, Austria is a Catholic country. It aspires to beauty in a way, Germany, the Prostom Stowe. But also, this total football in the 30s is just passing it sideways. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like if we're in the stands in the 30s. But you still someone has to think of that. No, I know. Someone needs to be off their head on drugs. But calling it total football. You need to be off your head on drugs to come up with that. What are you doing? Get rid of it.

Who fit up there? Are you gay? Why are you passing it backwards? Because it's easy to see that as simple now, but at the time. Yeah. You had to have an almost ayahuasca trip to see that you could pass it. Oh, hang on. Hang on.

You can go another way apart from, there's other directions on the pitch. No, but I would say calling it total football cheapens total football, which is, I love original total football. I mean, the Swedish right back at the first Kroyfe turn is one of the greatest photos in history. What? Because he's never... He's still facing the way Kroft. was.

Full-body cast afterwards. Genuinely. Croif turns in. Douglas Hume. Yeah. Alex Douglas Hume. Which way is around is it?

Alex. Alex Douglas Hume. Yeah. Look, he's still, he's like a computer player. Yeah. Like it's like a video game where the guy just sort of runs into the...

Cheating. That's cheating. So, now, Austria, the Wunder team, they don't do very well in 34. I think they get to a third place playoff. We should talk about the actual tournament itself

because Mussolini, there's like a referee who's, Swiss, I think. I can't remember what he's called. He basically, at one point in all the Italy games, there's a Swedish referee called Ivan El Eklund. He had dinner with Mussolini the night before the final.

And then in the game, in the game, he intercepts a pass from the opposition that we're through on goal and just pass it to one of the Italians. I mean, it's awesome. Just naked corruption. It's that 12th man. Yes, it is.

It's the tactics. It's like, it's like, I mean, Guadiola does that thing where you tries to have an overload, right? So it makes you feel like you're always playing with an extra player. Who's using the referee, yeah, this is another, you know, I think it was someone's, Marini might even said eventually the goalkeeper will be an outfield player. Yeah.

Like just had that extra overload. Eventually the referee. Use the, right? Take your ref out to dinner than I before. Yeah. You know, it means you can overload the box. Yeah. You send the goalkeeper up, send the referee up.

If I can get the referee up there, the corner. Activate the referee. so yeah the even even Eklund he not only did he I guess this is so before VAR yeah I mean

I mean this is like we should place this actually you're all standing in the stand and it's normally Olympic stadiums you're so far from the pitch yeah you can't see anything nor can anyone no one has glasses

I mean no one can see anything so anyway you get away with fucking anything so when Italy beat Austria in the semis, Eklund allowed a highly controversial goal with the Italian forward bundled the Austrian goalkeeper into the back of the net

while ruling out multiple Austrian attacks for offside. Right. So he had like ghost off sides. He was like, yeah, that's offside. Yeah, why not? There was even... They didn't even have a linesman at this point.

One of the goals had been like a Maradonna-esque solo goal and the referee ruled it offside. There'd be no passing. He's when that's offside. Pretty awesome. I can't rate him. Anyway. Shout out, Eklid, friend of the pod.

So... I mean, the referee playing for the other team, you got to respect that. That's legendary behaviour. So, Mussolini, so Italy eventually win the World Cup. Partly,

I mean, I think they were quite a good team, but also Mussolini just rigged it. So, anyway. Who knows? Once again, we just strike all these World Cups.

Yeah, this is a lot of bollocks. The first World Cup that really someone won was 66. Yeah, we'll get to that next episode. Anyway, so he, they win, Mussolini hands over the World Cup and the Copa,

the massive World Cup that he got made. It was bigger. It's sort of trophy and larger. It's like a trophy pump He asked the players What they wanted as a reward for winning And one of them said He desired nothing more than a signed photograph

So they all give him that Some of the referees were basically Then banned from ever refereeing again Because they obviously taken bribes But by Mussolini? No, by FIFA Okay But again, FIFA is basically

Totally in the pocket of Mussolini Of course So it's the first time a tournament's been taken By a country and gone Well, we're just going to use this for show not gone downhill. No. It's never, ever been anything but completely corrupt.

No. Samplata is the least corrupt leader of FIFA. But Infantino is finally just saying it. What? I am gay. I am migrant worker. Fuck off. I don't care.

Yeah. Anyway, so, weeks after the 1934 World Cup, the Austrian Chancellor is assassinated by the Nazis, which starts the Anschlis. not know that he was assassinated by the Nazis. I thought it was pretty joyous. No, I still think the Angeles is fine. I'm sure there's no nuance there. No, I think he needed to go.

You need to make way for the Angeles to happen. It's what the people wanted. Yeah, whatever it takes for Ansela's. That's my political principles. There's a weird t-shirt that you wear. It's quite confusing. Yeah, the pro-Palestine rally, they really didn't know what to make of that. So, two years later.

Unite the kingdoms of Austria-Austral Austria and Germany. I'm just there with a half and half Austria-Germany flag. Why have you all got Union Jacks? So two years later, Germany hosts the Olympics, the Berlin Olympics, probably my favorite Olympics. Oh yeah?

Yeah. Because there's more going on. Right. Yeah. It's an iconic one. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Now, they let football back into the Olympics in 36.

And then they decided, when do they decide where it's going to go? Oh, just before the Olympics, they decide that it's going to go to France for 1938, which is a snub to the Nazis. Now, it must be said the Nazis were always trying to get FIFA. They wanted to be in control of FIFA.

Right. Because it was just like a Swiss thing. What would you found, Charlie? I was just thinking if Hitler was any good at KIPI's. No historical record of Hitler ever playing football or attempting Kipi Uppies. So we don't know. Maybe that's why he did this off he did.

He did, yes. Because he was picked last for the football theme. You know, that can often lead to a lot of people wanting to prove themselves in later life. Do you know, when you pick last, maybe that was it. Maybe his lack of skills. If he was better at football, maybe. Were you good at football as a kid? I was good, yeah.

I naturally bad, but I played a lot to the point where I'm good. Right. But not due to any sort of natural skill. Inherent skill. Whereas I was like a super sub, obviously. and in high impacts up. Heavy impact. Exactly.

Well, yeah. Because I was also, I was, so that photo of me with Emma Watson, imagine me that size coming on at the 60 minute mark, on the left wing wearing Adidas cream predators. You were a cream predator. Because, yeah, I am to this day a cream predator. A cream bun predator. You don't want to be able to cream around this predator.

No. You're not safe. No. I was a cream bun predator wearing cream predators on the left wing. But I was also right footed. I was like a fat Joe Cole, right? And so I'd, you know, people, I'd come on in the last 20 minutes of the game. I'd cause havoc.

Sloppy Joe's cold. Sloppy Joe Cole. Right? They had no idea what to do with me. I was a complete wild card. It was like a rhino charging down there. I had about three or four charges before I was too tired. So it's been incredibly tactically used.

Yes. With the right coach, I was devastating. If you were starting me, I would have to come off before half time. Okay? I was an impact sub. I was like a fat soul shaw. Okay? I was like, Olly Gunnar sold jar of pickles.

Bowley. Right. Anyway. Ollygunny Coleslaw. Oligone coleslaw, yeah. But I was a super sub, right? Anyway, so I scored a free kick as well, my Queen Predators. Yeah.

That's a really, really fat guy. My point is I had inherent skill. Right. I was hamstrung by the size of my hamstrings. Right. Yes, but Hitler wanted the FIFA because they wanted to glorify the Nazi regime. Same way once in the Olympics, right? So we'll get into it actually just after 38 World Cup.

But the whole, there's an amazing counterfactual about what happens if Hitler took FIFA. Yeah. But anyway, we'll get into that. What is that? Well, well, it's a world. Cup which is played along racial lines. Sure. Amazing counterfactual.

Well, it's quite funny. Wait, wait, the white team versus the... Well, yeah. Oh, the teams are racial. Yeah. So it's not the World Cup in terms of nations. Right, right. It's the World Cup of races.

It's the Race Cup. I mean, you'd throw it on if no one else was... I'd watch it. Yeah. I'd watch it. I'd bet on it. It's harmless. It's not harmless.

It's very harmful. It's pretty harmful. It's pretty toxic stuff. now so yeah 38 World Cup was in the shadow of the Anceles

so the Austria had this great team and then what was that was that your okay that sounded like a cat that sounded like a fart no it's something

I had a cat that's a female researcher meow meow meo she just meowed at the back of the room I said Austria had a great team

and she meowed Christ do you want a can of tuna or something Anyway, sorry about that. Austria had a great team. But then they were made as one. They were made into Germany. So they had to suddenly there was a,

they were no longer Austrian. They were Germany. Had they ever been Austrian? It was another question. And then they had to cancel the World Cup enrollment. The Austrian Football Federation was dissolved overnight. I'd have to dissolve something. Well, that's like Gaddafi campaigning for Switzerland to be.

be dissolved. Right. Just dissolve it. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. Let's just dissolve. My son's beaten up a Swiss bellboy. That's dissolved.

I go to the UN, abolish Switzerland. Yeah. Abolish it. Has there ever been a father that's done more for their son? I aspire to be the Colonel Gaddafi when I'm a parent. Anyway, so he dissolves the football federation. Austrian footballers are now have to play for Germany. So they come up with this quota system where like a certain amount of Austrians have to play

in the German team. But it completely handcaps how good the Austrians were. And then what's he called Sindelah, that the Austrian striker, he, he, he's, so he's, there's a friendly between Austria and Germany, right? This may be after the World Cup. I can't remember. There's a, there's a friendly. He's, he, the Austrians were sort of told not to, like, score to embarrass the Nazi hierarchy. You know, Hitler's in the box.

Yeah. Right. Sindelar scores. Uh, and then he runs over. and he does like a you know, Adybayor running the length of the pitch. He does that to Hitler

and he's like yeah six months later he's first found dead and his I mean you can't be doing that to Hitler don't do that to Hitler don't be like

yeah you can't do that right so him and his girlfriend they die they just found dead one morning and then they officially it was carbon dioxide poisoning

but the Nazis destroyed all the records so everyone's like oh Maybe it was. I trust them. I mean, yeah, but to be fair, how many guys, how many, how many people the Nazis killed with carbon dioxide poisoning? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. You could frame what? The whole Holocaust is carbon dioxide poisoning. So, yeah. You could. You could. Anyway, the 38 World Cup is, is kind of operating the shadow of the coming war in Europe. Italy win again because Mussolini says the motto for the World Cup is win or die.

Yeah. they win and then there's a they beat Hungary were they good at that point Hungary were good at some point yeah fucking what to say push gas

yeah that's the 50s though Hungary's keeper equipped I may have let in four goals but at least I saved the other team's lives the Italian players were again asked what they would like for winning the World Cup they asked for lifetime rail passes

which doesn't work then win or die seems to yeah Southgate could have done something like well I suppose Muscleon is the opposite of Southgate, isn't he?

Southgate's trying to win through friendship. Yeah. But we've always full short. Southgate's going on the fucking Jake Humphrey podcast about mental health. Yeah. It's like, you need, it's a game of inches. Yeah. And I'm sure you get more than an inch. You're saying if you don't do it, I'll kill you and your family.

Now, what becomes very interesting is when World War II breaks out. Hitler, obviously conquers Paris, June 1940. They want FIFA, right? But FIFA are like hiding out in Switzerland, which are neutral. So they've registered their office in Switzerland. And it's still there, right? It's still there. And obviously that's kind of like corruption ground zero.

Sure. But that is part of the reason that they, well, my point is here, their corruption kind of saves them. Right. Because Hitler's trying to get FIFA. The Nazis want to control of FIFA. They're looking for it. If they had got control of FIFA,

when in 45 the Americans destroy the country, then FIFA would have just been eradicated as a Nazi institution and there would be no World Cup so it's quite interesting Yeah that's true actually It would have been tainted

So there's a guy called Dr. Ivo Shricker Who I think Sounds like a good guy Yes Dr. Ivo Shrika Is Rime's like second in command At FIFA He hides the World Cup Is it him or is it someone else

Someone else has the World Cup The World Cup trophy is in Italy Because they're the reigning champions He hides it in a shoebox under his bed Otorino Barrasi hides it under his bed and then the Nazis are looking for the trophy

because at this point they're selling off the entirety of Europe Goring's looking for it he hides under a shoebox and then gets taken to Switzerland after the war he smuggles the trophy out of the bank where it's being kept, took it home, hid it in a shoebox

under his bed until 1950 when he was able to hand it over to the Brazilian Federation So if the Nazis had taken control of FIFA, they had plans for an Axis World Cup in 19442. Japan versus Japan. Germany, Italy. Yeah.

I guess the Axis World Cup is the opposite of the Paralympics. Yeah. Yeah. What is in disabled people have been sent to camps? Yeah, you could have put it like that. I just mean in terms of like... And not training camps. No, they're not training camps.

It's like they're, so it's, you know, it's the Arian World Cup. Yeah. So they would say it's the opposite of the Paralympics. Interesting. Modern Nazis, sorry to go off topic, but it's on the Nazis, so it's still on topic. Their view of disabilities is like something that needs to be eradicated, right? What would they view with the new current mental health world of ADHD, depression, anxiety? There wouldn't be many people.

Exactly. I don't know. At what point, you know, there's that thing that, um, thing that, like vegan, say, where do you draw the line? Yes, bees. You know, at what point, horses, dogs. It's basically that with disabilities. If Nazis were in power, there'd be none of these fucking rainbow landyards.

You'd be like, I'm fine, actually. I'm fine, I'm brilliant. I'll see things clearly. Yep, I can focus 100%. Let's just get rid of the ADHD. If you're on ADHD, let's get rid of it. It's genetic. Personally, I'd like a society where everyone who is,

there's that middle band of disabilities, you know, ADHD or autism, they're gone. So you're either normal or... Because it was much simpler. Ficked. Because you can tell someone who's fucked. Yeah. It's binary.

Right. So because it'd be less... It's the blurred lines. I can't handle blurred lines. It's mullet in between the lines. I can't handle that. 4-4-2. All right.

Normal, fucked. Yeah. Easy. Can you park there? Yes. Clearly. Clearly. Can I park there?

No. Clearly. Yeah. No landyards. Yeah. Anyway, a world without land yard. You wouldn't need a land yard. A world without lineyards.

The Finn Taylor story. Please vote for me. So, the World Cup is essentially saved by this guy, Barrasini, and Shrika and Rimei. Because if, as I say, the Nazis have found it, it would have been destroyed. And so it can restart after the war. Is the next one in Brazil? it can restart after the war in Brazil which is where we will leave

this part and in our next episode we will deal with the rise of Pelle with the 1960s tournament you know the purest World Cup the river was sort of the birth of televised World Cups being like a big thing yes and like it's kind of

now the players are coming into people we actually know it's now just starting to come into kind of actual We'll be joined by the upshot other scholars who do research then call people paedophiles anyway If you're a patron

You get all four parts of this series At once And we are a bonus What are our bonuses? Are we talking about hooliganism? We will be commenting live On the biggest game The big game

The big match The grudge match of Switzerland Versus Bosnia and Herzegovina Okay We will be commentating on it live So I guess they can put it, turn the, mute the TV. Mute the TV and then put us on. Right.

And hopefully we won't be out of sync. Yes. That, I can tell you now that game will be nil-nil, so we'll have to come up with a lot of stuff to talk about. But we could get on to Bosnia and history, as I've long wanted to. Anyway, that's on the Patreon. We'll be doing that this fortnight.

We'll be joined by the Upshot next episode. And we'll see you for Pelle and Bobby Moore at all next part. From all of us here. Goodbye. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old.

You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home.