Fin vs History - Foreign Accent P*do Syndrome | Caligula (Part 1)

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠⁠⁠⁠surfshark.com/fvh Caligula is infamous as a byword for tyranny, but was it his fault or was someone just pushing the wrong buttons in his head?  The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor Chapters: 00:00 A Potted History of Rome 06:44 German Thrasher 13:15 Bootykins on Tour 18:25 Germanicus poisoned 22:24 Paedo Island 29:36 OG Epstein Dies 33:15 Caligula’s Honeymoon Period 38:03 Height of Roman Blood Sports 42:38 Emperor in Drag 47:25 Brass Tax 51:31 Caligula’s Chinese Paedo Button Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to finish history. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Random. Um, what? Just random. I think Caligula is very, very random, right? It's very like, he fucks his sister. It makes his horse a fucking politician.

Yeah, you know what, you're right, actually. He is. Random. You know, he has to be mad to work here, but it bloody helps. You were saying that he's the first millennial in many ways. Yeah. Today we're talking about Caligula. Yeah.

We're back in ancient Rome, which after a week in prehistory, it feels like yesterday. Yes. It's a joy to be back. It's nice. The Nazis of the ancient Rome. It's true. Yeah. It's our second Roman emperor.

Yeah. We will do all the Roman emperors. Oh, we're knocking them off. Yeah. We're notching them off. We're nothing them off. They'd love that. They really would.

They would. They fucking get about. Dirty little fellas. Yeah. They put Charlie to shame. They really do. These guys are... Charlie's kind of a Roman emperor

incarnate, really. He's like Roman emperor with no money, sort of like... I've run out of pants. Exactly. Run out what? Pants. You're not wearing any pants, are you?

No. But they didn't wear pants, though. They just wore a loincloth. We don't know, actually. Yeah, method. Do you want to Google if the Romans wore pants? I'd love to. Caligula is the third Roman emperor.

Yep. He's sort of the... Is he the maddest? Maybe he's the maddest? Maybe, but we also don't know if any of it's true. yeah but fuck that yeah we could say that for anything it's true um did do like what we don't know we don't know what happened anywhere on 9-11 we don't know we can't know we can't know that's what

this podcast is about yeah uh but he is he only reigns for four years but he has become sort of the uh the blueprint for tyranny it's true but i mean we should probably set it up with like so there should we do a potted history of ancient rome because we must remember our listeners are Very, very thick. They're the opposite of a chess grandmaster. Opposite of good looking? Yeah. They would lose to someone with Down syndrome at chess.

Okay. So like the Turing test, the Turing test would have worked on them in the like 70s. The first computer would have outsmarted them. Yes. You know the Turing test where it's like you get. They can't win a POM. It's like, well,

know when the computer's taken over when they can like, when you think a computer is a human. Right. And they, the first computer would have won the Turing test. against our listeners. Yes, yeah, because they're like, well, that's not a human. That's a person.

That's the person. So that's our listeners. So potter's history of Rome, a wolf, a guy sucks off a wolf. Yeah. Then there's kings. And then about 500 BC-ish, they start a republic. So obviously when people think of Rome, it's this long history. It starts in like, I don't know, 300 BC.

It ends in 500 AD. but the prime of Rome where Gladiator's set that our idea of Rome is sort of post-Julya Caesar when the emperors start and there's only seven emperors I think there's actually loads

but there's a sort of 200 year golden period oh right really sort of I guess there's like yeah yeah and and from Augustus who's like seen as like Blair Augustus is Blair I was about to say

you'd seen as the greatest politician of all time potato persona he's a god i mean was he involved in gaza augustus i think get him in get him in to start managing it if blair can't do it augustus can um augustus is the guy after caesar and he's the go and he sets up the idea of the emperor for romans and basically all of these mad fucking cunts are augustus is such a good leader that these mad cunts are just following in his line they're allowed to do this it's much like the Labour Party

after blur mad cunt after madcon and then Suetonius who's a sort of gutter journalist yeah a sort of tabloid writer TMZ paparatsu

he wrote a sort of what's it called what's the book he called I'm not sure it's called on the emperors I think or on the emperors of Rome what's your favourite book at one second Charlie

we were actually trying to oh sure and he wrote this just really sensualized sort of account of all the emperors and it's one of the only sources left I can't believe

he's been producing a podcast for nine months we're just getting into it and stop what's your favorite book guys guys guys guys guys what is your favourite colour quickly quickly genuinely genuinely my four year old would be better at this

what is your favourite colour Charlie red right anyway Glad we got that done. Sorry, you're someone Suittonious. What's your favorite book, Charlie? Kinsuki's Kingdom.

What happens in that? Is that a graphic novel? There are pictures sometimes. Yeah, there you go. But basically this boy meets a Japanese old man on a beach and he takes him under his wing, but not in a noncy way. What did you learn from that book?

The boy gets taken under the Japanese guy's wing. Yeah. I learned that you can be friends with anyone. All right. I mean, yeah, your best mate is an age-year-old woman called Theresa Rahman. Is she Japanese? No, she did marry a Bengali man, though. Right. He's dead now.

Okay. Anyway, Suratonius is much more interested in it. It's basically if the main source or history of emperors left was written by the Daily Mail. Yeah. And that's basically what the main thing. Mail online. Mail online. Yeah.

It's basically everything else gets destroyed. And the main, the best source, the best preserved source is the mail online. Which is why it's so juicy. Yeah, exactly. But it's like if you could only, the royals now, it's only the mail online. So it's like the queen killed Princess Diana. Yeah. She was having gang bangs with the whole Alphiard family.

Harry's a Nazi. That is what we're going off. And that's why it's great. That's why it's really good stuff. So according to him, it's just, they just keep electing fucking mad cunt. Because we did Nero. We did Nero. And I feel Nero and Caligula, for me personally, they blend into one a bit.

Similar. Yeah, they're both emperors for a short time. Good time, not a long time. Yeah, good time and a long time. Very good time. They're young. Yeah. And that's part of the problem is that the older emperors tend to do better because there's a built in respect.

Yeah. But then we should really start the story with Tiberius, who's the emperor after Augustus. Yeah. And he kind of... So he goes, Augustus, Tiberius. Then Caligula. Yeah. And Tiberius is the second emperor.

He doesn't want to be emperor. He's a general. He wants. What does he want? Well, he's an old man who gets adopted by Augustus. So we have to start by saying that he is like a 50-year-old bloke who gets adopted, which is humiliating. Yeah.

So he's got a pass-fire in his mouth. Yeah. I'm a general. I'm a military veteran. Yeah. And you've adopted me. He was left on, he was left on Augustus's doorstep in a great-basket naked like that. Caligula's early life.

He's born on the 31st of August. in the year 12. Yeah. It's good to be, good to be back. The 12th. Should we place 12? 12 is... So it's Jesus 12?

Jesus is 12 at this point. How old Hitler? Hitler's butter sparkle in some Roman's eye. So this is after Julius Caesar. Yeah. It's before Caesar salads. Yeah. That's the year 12.

To no one had a Caesar salad at this point. If you said a Caesar salad, there would be like... Is that what we made of Julius Caesar? We made a Caesar salad out of that emperor for me, cut him to shit. No. So his full name is Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus.

Right. Which sort of means German thrasher. Yeah, and they just love putting other people's names in their name. It's very confusing. Yeah, like Horatio Finn Taylor Gould. Yeah, and that's Charlie. And it's so confusing.

It's like Brazilian footballers where they have like 20 names and they have like one name that they're known by, which is none of their names. Yeah. It's like so confusing. Bill. Fred.

Fred. Yeah, I love Fred. Yeah, his name is like, Wow, Felix, Princess, Felix. And you know him as John. You're like, what the fuck is going on? Is it like how, you know, like Chinese students will come and call themselves like Nigel? Yeah. Is it a way of making themselves?

No, because this is in their own country. Oh, right. Because I went to school with some Chinese kids who chose a anglicised name. Like, yeah. One called himself Memphis because he liked Elvis. Right, right. And you're like, well, that's not really a name here. But it's fun to just like, just choose a name.

Yeah. Like I just go, yeah, I'm called noodle. I like noodles. It's the same, isn't it? You're just taking one thing from a culture and saying, I'll go to myself that. Yeah, I guess if I was like, if I was studying abroad in China

to fit in, I might call myself noodle gould. No, no, no, no. Noodle. One name. Just noodle. Just noodle. Oh, I guess, are you Chinese? No, no, I just did that.

I just, uh, Chineseified my name. I'm just called soup. Because you sound fucking Chinese because your name's noodle. Yeah. That's not an English name. Wanton. Hello, my name's wonton.

Oh, right. You born here? No, I'm actually from England. Oh, funny that. Yeah. You go to a bar in China with some tough Chinese guys. You say your name's noodle. You're like,

no, he's all right. He's one of us. Pronto's, get this guy. What's your name? Number 34? Yeah. You must have been born around him. Crazy.

Crazy. Number 34. Number 34. Oh, anyway. What the fuck are we on about? Caligula. Caligula is a little boy. Born of the year 12.

Yeah. Guy, yeah. So Caligula is his nickname. And he hates Caligula. He hates it. So this is very funny. He spends his life. His father is Germanicus, who is like, if Augustus is the, I don't know, if he's Zedan, then Germanicus is Henri. He's like one of the big guys. He's a great general who basically must have conquered most of their territory in Germany.

That's why his name is Germanicus, yeah, killing the Barbarians. I fucking fucked up the Germans. Because the Roman Empire is always engaged up north in Germany. Because at this point, Germany, it's like, it's the Germans without the order of Hitler. It's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos Germans. It's chaos Germans.

This is before they started running on time. Before they started suiting and booting themselves. Before the trains, it's mad. They've got the same instincts, as we know from the prehistoric suits and we found a little 30s. But it's primal. It's primal Nazis. Yeah. As opposed to when they become civilized.

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Anyway, so from the age of two, he's basically on tour. He's one of those military kids. You know, you've got to school with some kids who are raised in barracks and stuff. Yeah, a little bit. Their dads are in the military. They're always away who they live on barracks. He's basically spending his entire childhood in a war zone.

And so his mom dresses him up in the uniform of a Roman soldier and all the soldiers love him. So he's sort of like a mascot. He's like a Gunnosaurus. Right? But they put him in the little Roman boots

which the Latin is Caligai. And then his nickname is Caligula which is sort of translates as bootikins. Right. Which is very funny to think that like a tyrant is known in history as bootikins.

Yeah. It's sort of like... Hitler being called, like, Little Tash. Mr. Snuffleflump or whatever, or Pookie. Yeah, like, Hitler being called bum fluff. Yeah, exactly. If we knew Hitler as bumfluff, in 2000 years, people were like, oh, by, they are one of the original Joe and Tyler,

it's Dr. Schnaffle Blump. Yeah, but that being the name he's used when you're talking about him, his evil. And he'd hate it. Yeah, that's the thing. He didn't fucking hate it. But you don't think it makes him a bit more even scarier, the fact that he's like a nutter. Yeah, I guess so. It's like the Joker, right?

It's like kind of like more terrifying. In some ways, yeah. Little poop beef pants, you know. Little poopie pants. Oh, yes. Dr. Poopie Pants is here. No one. No, not Dr. Poopi Pants.

No, please. Dr. Pooby Pants is coming. Please, spare me. Yeah, you're right. It is more scary. Yeah. So, Dr. Pupy Pants, Bootykins, is a child.

He's spending his childhood on the battlefield with soldiers. And then suddenly, Germanicus is, we should actually say, I guess it's probably in line to be the, to take over from Augustus. Let's go. Yeah. They love him. The Roman people love him.

He's effectively the Roman equivalent of Alexander the Great because he's conquering all this, all this territory. He's a big military guy. His mother is Agrippina, the elder, who is Augustus's granddaughter. Yeah. So you don't really get more blue blood. Yeah. Your grandfathered in.

Than Caligula. Yeah. And then in 19 AD, Jesus is in his kind of teen phase. yeah yeah he's hating his mom jesus is slamming the door on me he's jacking it hard at this time this is that jesus wank years we're into now this is prime wank years he discovered it about three or four years ago but now he's hit a real stride yeah he's not doing six a day in 19 i do his dad's watching him wank all the time that's a lot yeah but he's into it he loves it he loves it he leaves the door open dad uh so anyway in 19 Jesus is jacking it and in uh in syria not

not far from where Jesus is a playing with his hog. Germanicus suddenly dies. I don't know if that's related. He's like, he's very powerful Jesus, right? Is he doing miracles, when does Jesus,

when does Jesus start knocking out of his hog? When does he stop knocking on his fucking? When's he put his hog away and start turning water into one? Well, because he was just a humble carpenter till the edge of 30 and all his shit was, yeah. Shit,

so he only had three years. It was only three. It was only three. Yeah. He got a lot. It's like Mia Khalifa. She's only in the industry for three months. She's like, what?

You know, change the game. I've seen thousands of films of you. So you are a cinephiles. Sorry? You are a film, bro, then, after all. You're a cinephal. Yeah. Well, why aren't we doing Mia Khalifa film club?

Yeah, I think he's like films. Why we do Kurosawa's fucking ran rather than ran through Mia Kalifa? Jesus began. What if her at films? Probably all of me a cleaver's Uvra. I'm a completest.

I'm a Caliefer completest. I've got the box sets Blu-ray. Yeah. Can you get her on BAT? We watch the family every Christmas.

I've got them on 35 mil mate. I get on the projector out. Oh my God. BFI OMAX is doing a 35-mil print of being Galifers as an entire body of work.

Q&A after. God, there's cheese, there's nibbles, there's Califers there. You've got watch it on the 70mmmm print. It's just not, it's just

it's how she wanted it to be seen. Fuck, so Jesus only had three years doing miracles. That's mad. Amazing. He is the son of God, man. Yeah, I guess you just converted live on the pod. So anyway, so, yeah, age 19, I don't know what he's doing.

Is it funny, sorry, on Jesus, it's funny that being like the prophet and son of God, whatever, is sort of his plan B. He was like a carpenter first. Yeah. And he fell back on. And that didn't work out. And he fell back on.

So he became a fucking magician. Because normally if you're a magician, that doesn't work out. And then you become a carpenter. Yeah, he was a carpenter. Money in tables. He was struggling. He gave it a good 10 years and he thought, I need to think of something else.

Do you reckon he was just a really shit carpenter? I think so. Yeah. I haven't seen any of his tables. People get falling over. People sit in his chairs, they collapse. Anyway, so this is, Jesus is a sort of teen at this point. Spotty.

Spotty, say. Hi, hi. My name's, oh, Jesus. My dad's going to come and get your dad. Germanicus dies suddenly in Syria on campaign. And the rumors are that he's pointing. by a guy called Pizzo. He's like a general or is he's some kind of,

he's a governor, he's Roman governor. There you go. Gov. Gov. For what, peas? You're right, Gov. Anyway, when the news of Germanicus's death reaches Rome, they go fucking ape shit.

Livid. Apparently, Sueton says that people get rid of their kids, they're newborns. They just go, get rid of that. It is Diana. Just chuck their newborns. They go, wow, this is fucked. What a world we're bringing this kid into.

Oh, right. It's like climate change. It's like I'd rather not have kids. I don't think the woke lot who aren't. who are worried about climate change, throwing their kids in the river. I think they're just not having kids because they won't.

There's a different time, though. It's the same instinct. I don't want to raise my kids in a world without Germanicus. Flop in the bin, straight away. I'd drop kit, mine, so it's like a small bounce. Like the rugby drop kit.

Johnny Wilkinson. You have to let it bounce a small bit. Yeah, Johnny Wilkinson, two thousand and three work out final. This is me, I'm a Roman mother as soon as I found out of Jamanicus. You're cradling your baby. Yeah, my first kid.

Yeah. And just, do you know what's funny is that they thought, so they knew he was ill and then fake, fake news spread that he'd survived. Oh, right. But that's quicker. Right. You've already started drop kicking the baby. Yeah, so this is it. So this is my, this is my.

So, Germanicus is ill. This is my husband chucks me the kid. He's alive. He's alive. Oh, no. No, he has died. Well, kids, son. What I like is there's someone throwing it back to you.

Yeah. So it just chucks me the baby and then. He says, even you're a kid. Yeah. Yeah. But if you have like eight kids, then you need to make it quick. quicker, right? Yes,

you're right. You're right. Right, this one's fine. You got granny just firing the kids into you. You're grabbing it

and just... Anyway, so when Germanicus does... He is confirmed dead. Yeah. Right. The whole Rome goes mad. You know that the

footage of Buenos Aires when Argentine will win the World Cup and they all come out into the streets? You've seen that. No. But I imagine when

Germanicas, just all these babies flying out of the window. But, now, it is very similar to Diana because Tiberia

Tiberius is at this point he's on Capri. He's kind of ruling from afar sort of by proxy. Because were you saying Tiberius didn't want to be a ruler? Yeah, he didn't want to be. He was grumpy. He wanted to have his end away on Capri. He wanted to be a paedophile in peace. O.G. Epstein.

Yeah, in many ways. We'll get to that. But he doesn't grieve enough for Germanicus in the minds of the public. So it's very similar to when the Queen was sort of accused of not being emotional enough. after dying of death. But again, she's just a, you know, she's a model stoic.

Exactly. Wasn't she? Beast. There is suspicions that Tiberius killed Germanicus. Yeah, there's a... Which kind of tracks because... He was going to be the one to take over, right? Or maybe you could have taken over in Tiberius' lifetime.

So it might have been like a rifle to his... I think it's more that Tiberius is just wants... Um, wants to love. Oh, it's got jealous. Sort of. And Jamanicus is kind of a loved, um, a loved figure. Anyway, so Tiberius then... is convinced that Agrippina, who's

Germanicus's wife, is plotting against him, and so banishes her to a remote island, she then gets, she gets beaten up, loses an eye, goes on hunger strike and dies. I just can't, I just can't relate to going on hunger strike. I think it's

pointless. But you'd go on, you'd go on an eating, like the opposite. Like a school shooter, but with buns. He's on an eating spree. Hide! You've got an active But could you do it as like a protest, but it's the other way around? I will not stop eating.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I will not stop eating. That's the protest. And then people are like, what are you doing this for? No, no reason. You can do it free Palestine, but you just, it's just you eating as much. I won't stop. Guys, there's a ceasefire.

No, it didn't matter. It won't last. It won't. I hope it won't last. I don't trust him. I don't trust him. What is he's seven? He's eight.

He's taken to Capri. Tiberius basically brings him to Capri. So he's gone for a war. zone to a paedophile island. Yes, he's gone from Gaza to Epstein's island. It's an intense upbringing. Sure. That's why we're trying to sow the seed of his tyranny later.

Yeah. There's a lot going on in his childhood. If he was, this would be a two-parter on diary of his CEO. Yeah. He's got a lot of trauma. The intro would be enough would be insane. What? What?

Bartle would be like, sorry, what? You fucking what? Your granddad was the biggest pedophile ever. Most creative pedophile. Yes, we'll get to that. We'll get to that now. Tiberius on Capri. Now, we mentioned this, we touched on this in our Nero series,

but he supposedly, according to Suetonius, according to TMZ, he has a wail of a time on Capri. He has these squadrons of boys. He has the little fish who swimming between his legs and Osram off while he's swimming. He has the tight bums, which does what it says on the tin. They would, the tight bums, these boys, they would have threesomes in front of him

to try and stimulate his sort of... His flagging libido. Yeah, exactly. Which is, you know, I mean, four play, isn't it? It's one way of doing it. I guess they didn't have... Viagra.

This is pre-Viagra. So you'd have to have young boys having threesomes. That's at any chance. The original Viagra. Sort of like snake jamas for his flagging old cock. Exactly.

Yeah. And this is what people would do in the Roman days. And, you know, I remember there's once, when I was in a pub, I must have been 19-20. My mate spiked my pint with the blue pill

that you can buy. in the vending machines. Right. And then I just had a raging lob ball on the bus home. So how does Viagra, what, does it,

does it, is it like a painful erection? It's, it's an undeniable erection. It's not one you can hide. Cause I've never, I actually wonder how that works. So like,

he gave it to you and how long before it was just like, there's maybe a 20, 30 minute lag. Did you get the horn or was it just up? No, it's just up.

And it's not like a, because the reason, the reason, the reason, so you got an erection and you're not horny. No, and I'm just on the bus home. It's tough.

It was a really good prank because there was a lag. I left the pub and then I was on the bus being like, fucking hell, what's going on this? It's like when I was eight

and I went over a speed bump and I got an erection, you know? But this is crazy. I'm on the bus home with a huge lob on. But the reason So you could listen to people

without being horny, but also the night bus is one of the least horny places to be. But there's a, not even London, an Oxford night bus home to the villages and then I get off the bus and I'm all like crouched

and I've got to sneak in. Humiliating. Anyway, the reason you, If Iago exists is that you can be really horny but you've got a floppy willy. So it doesn't make you horny

just sorts out the blood flow thing. I didn't realize it was permanent rock on I thought it was like it was not permanent rock on I thought it was not still got it should be hard this all time. It's not one shot one kill

you've got a bonus for the rest of your life like a fucking like myth the golden gun would that be a nightmare? Would that be a nightmare do you think to have? a nightmare yeah but forever if you had a permanent boner well yes it would be a nightmare what you're not sure i'm not sure if you ever tried to peeve the boner you're not sure you've been

yeah i like doing i love doing that because you crouch yeah but every time you piss you're gonna all of your all of your feet are off the ground you're getting a bone now i genuinely getting one christ i've got a semi right it's got like a half one so every time you piss you've got basically helicopter to the toilet see me myself and irene no great jim carrie one of jim carey's best films, there's a moment where he's trying to pee with an erection and it just goes all over the part of it. It'd be a nightmare having an erection. Yeah. I mean, what, you get told, you get told your mother's in hospital. Fucking hard as a rock. And the doctor's like, put that away.

There's so many situations where it's inappropriate to have a massive lob on. Job interview. Hello. Someone's keen. You don't have to be hard to work here, but it helps. I mean, there's something, there's something, if you do it with confidence, there is something very powerful about always being fully aroused. You have to be so confident, though. I'd wear tight trousers. Yeah, yeah, what are you saying?

And even trying to fire someone with a massive. Well, trying to pass it off as a disability. We're wearing a badge saying not all disabilities are visible, but some are. Look at the look at this. No, I don't think you pass off as disability. You just pass it off as virility, right? Right. So you're just always walking around and you're just, and what?

Isn't an am what? No, but the problem is that that's kind of, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, verging on sexual harassment, isn't it? But then I guess it's your body. So if you frame it as this is just my body, this is who I am. This is a sort of... I'm not a pro-lifer. I'm not pro-lop-on.

Right. Yeah, there you go. Pre-epism, permanent boner. It's a permanent boner. Let's get images up. Now, that might even be, funny enough, can we put a pin in that? Because I think that comes up in the research in the next episode. Really?

The word, the Latin word. Anyway. All right. So, fucking hell, where were we? So he's on Capri and Tiberius... He's been creatively gnost off. Yeah, there's a lot. So supposedly Suetonius tells us that on Capri, Caligula is schooled in the arts of debauchery.

So he's... And his sisters, this is where maybe his grandma, or maybe it's just before he goes to Capri, he lives with his grandma, and his grandma supposedly walks in on him in bed with his sister. And she's loving it. The grandma? Yeah, they're all fucking sickos. Suetonius. Quote, he lived in habitual incest.

It's a habit. It's a habit. You know, you've got to change you in habits, don't you? You do. What's that Aristotle quote about habits? A habit is what you repeatedly do. Therefore, excellent should become a habit. Yeah, a habit.

Incess should become a habit. So he's, and he's got three sisters. His favorite is called Drusilla, which is not a name that I think should come back. This is my baby Drusilla. It's too close to Godzilla, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, look, we've got, we've barely started this fucking. We've barely sucked off this emperor here.

The type, we've only got to the type button. He's not even come yet, so we've got to finish him off. So Tiberius, the original Epstein's Island, on Capri, he would, you know, if people he didn't like, he would chuck them off the cliffs and then you have people in the boats below the horse to like smack it. To make sure that they're finished. But it's like, so he didn't seem to want to be emperor and it sort of makes sense because he's, not only is it hard to get messages around in ancient Romans we've discussed, he's on an island. Yeah.

So how is he running the biggest empire in the world? What's his general called? general called he leaves a guy in Rome who goes ape shit like with power i can't remember his name but um everyone's going eight this is what's crazy about this period it's not like a couple of bad eggs but it's because it's post democracy they've had or it's post republic they've had a kind of golden age of but then isn't this the golden because at the same time as having the maddest emperors it's also this is the most powerful the roman emperors ever been this is what's called paks romana which is this 200 year period where there i think mainly covers the first emperors

after Caesar. Yeah. And I think it's because they don't have that many foreign wars to fight. They have kids sucking him off. Yes.

It's like, well, there's no more lands to conquer. Yeah. Get, goblin. So he's on Capri and now his sisters get assassinated

and supposedly, no, they don't. I think, yeah, Tiberius kills his brothers or someone, kills his mum. Everyone's dying

all the time in his family. But basically, in nefarious ways. Collegular learns to just sort of button up and keep quiet, keep his head down. Yeah.

Not down there. Go underwater. His sisters are, yeah, some of his sisters are alive, but he's one of like nine. And anyway, his family members are killed while he's on the island, but he keeps schum because he knows that if he, if he sort of chips, he gets a little chippy, his head's going to be next. But there's a prophecy that Tiberius is rearing a viper for the Roman people and a python for the world. Okay.

It's not his, it's not his permanent direction. It's rearing. It's rearing a viper. You've had your viper reared. I have. Caligula is married to a woman called Junior Cloudilat. She dies during childbirth. We don't know much about her.

Anyway, this is the beginning of Caligula. Caligula starts racking up wives. Yeah. Now, Tiberius dies in what year is it? Is it like 37, I think? Right. 37. So Jesus died four years.

Jesus is already dead. Right. Jesus has had his last, he's touched his hog for the last time. So Tiberius is the emperor when Jesus. it starts. Yes, yes, he was. Anime. Yeah.

But that's going, that's in, that's in the Middle East, isn't it? Yeah. But the Romans are there, aren't they? Yeah.

The Romans and the Jews are mandating it. Yeah. Now, there are allegations that Caligula smothers Tiberius and his sleep with a pillow. But again, but that's, we don't know.

So, but if you're conspiracy theorists, it does seem like, is that you have an absolutely failed day in ancient Rome. Yeah. Everyone's fucking. No,

knows what's going on. So Tiberius, before he dies, he names Caligula and his grandson, Gamelas, as joint heirs, which is obviously a recipe for disaster. What I understand is how that, because Augustus didn't have any kid airs. So he adopted an old man. So he adopted, it does feel like it's not like natural. There's always a mad succession crisis. But that's why, in those first five emperors after Caesar, the Julio Caesar line,

whatever it's called Claudian line Julia Claudian line Every time an emperor dies there's a conspiracy theory about that they were like knocked off because it's all

no one can hold on to power there's no all their kids get killed there's no bloodline yeah yeah and it's very new this is only the third succession

so they're getting their eye in a little bit sort of so Tiberius has suspicions of Caligula but he also detest Gameles

right so he kind of just says well you both do it yeah so I don't want to pick yeah anyway on success Um, Kaleegla basically just fucking kills Gamalas.

Fair enough. He just gets him. Does he order him to kill himself or I think he, anyway, he gets rid of him. And he then delivers this very overly emotional funeral speech for Tiberius. He goes through Rome and when Tiberius dies, it's kind of the opposite of Germanicus. It's like, people are really happy because like finally, Epstein's, it's just very similar actually. Did he kill himself? Epstein.

Yeah. Very similar. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. He is the O.G. The echoes of history. Yeah. Who knows?

Was he bumped off? I like the crying at the, you know, the former guy's funeral. It's a great move. It's the Gaddafi at NASA's funeral. Yeah. It's a real, it's a great, it just be, because they are they dead? You need to just feed. It's also not the only time that Gaddafi will come up in this series.

Okay. There's a lovely, there's a lovely bit of symmetry later on. Looking forward to it. So, on the 18th of March, 37, four years after Jesus's death, Caligula's honeymoon period begins The first few months Everyone's loving it He's declared

He's only 24 years old Which the Senate are worried about Because they don't like them young They think they're like He's got the arrogance of youth There's a real respect for grey-haired Statesman in Rome So one of his first acts as emperor

Is to bring the ashes of his mother Back to Rome And he buries her with his own hands And he builds this big tomb And I think maybe he, does he put her in Augustus's mausoleum and the build... It's the matcha or the three ensemble Cado Cephora of the fact that I've been to denichy who energize o'clock. Hmm, it's the ensemble.

The form of standard and mini-regrouped. Hello, Ben. And the embellage, too beau, who is practically pre to donate. And I know that I'd love these offriars. But I guard the Summer Fridays and Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez. I'm, I'm sure. The most ensemble, the Caddle of DeFates, Rare Beauty, Way, Cephora Collection, and other. Repart DeVit. Procure you

these formats, mini, regrouped for a better quality of price. On link on Sifora.com, or in magazine. Check out the big stars, big series, and

Blockbuster movies. Streaming on Paramount Plus. Cue the music. Like NCIS, Tony and Ziva. We'd like to make up our own rules. Tulsa King.

We want to take out the competition. The substance. This balance is not working. And the naked gun. That was a Awesome.

Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Peremontowl. Tim's new Cravable Raps are made for the times your boss said the what now? Or your teacher mentions that thingabob. Need to pick me up? Snack back to reality with Tim's new craveable raps available in Chipotle or ranch. Plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. It was a big grave and maybe he makes her a god.

But also, Tiberius, you know, hadn't already been focused on being emperor. He was focused on being knocked off. Yeah, on the typebums. and stuff like that. And so when he comes in, he basically feels like a breath of fresh air. Yeah. It's Blair 97.

It is. The whole story is Blair. It is Blair 97. Everyone's so happy. Yeah. Because also... I feel like this is representing the new generation. He understands what it is.

He's a bit hit to it. Things can only get better. He's having dreams of the oasis and Downing Street. Yes, bucket hats. Because also, there are other similarity to New Labor is that Tiberius, because he'd been such an awful leader, he had done like all these um show trials and public executions and in prison loads of people

he didn't spend any money on all the uh public shows yes because as we talked about in our nero series part of the role of roman emperor was they sort of also had to be like danny boyle and they had to put on these big spectacles for the public yeah so they were they were at the same time military commanders prime ministers and um like theater producers and he didn't did none of that yeah and so the coffers were very very full And so similar to how Major actually... Because he didn't spend anything. No, Major gave Blair a good economy.

Because he was frugal. Because he was frugal. But he also, he took a lot of the crisis major. Blair comes in and is able to just start handing out... Yes. You know, Shaw starts or whatever. And so it's that feeling of optimism that you always forget the guy before. Tiberius did a similar thing.

So Kalega comes in and it's a fucking spending spree. Brilliant. He slaughters supposedly 160,000 animals within the... first three months to celebrate. You got it though. He reverses all the, like he recalls exiles. He ends the trials. He republishes books that have been banned, big feasts.

But it's bread and circuses, right? That's the big thing, is that if you want to control the populace, you give the food and then you give them entertainment, right? Yeah. He supposedly spent 2.6 billion surcisees. I don't know how you pronounce it. And I asked chat GPT yesterday Not circuses

I asked a billion services Cestuses Cestuses And I Get up how you pronounce that And I get up how you pronounce that And I get chat GBT this is What's that in today's money

And it is 300 billion pounds Right So it's spending that on the Olympic opening ceremony It's a G7's like defence budget Right G7 countries But it's on Circta Salae It's on like just

It's on the Blue Man group Yeah exactly Yeah. So what he likes to, so he gets into, he likes tossing money at crowds and getting them to run for it. So already there's a sort of, there's a glint of the evil in him.

He starts paying everyone bonuses. Yeah. His Praetorian Guard. Now the Praetorian Guard are the crack squad who, they're the only ones who are allowed to carry weapons in Rome and they protect the Emperor. Throughout all of these stories,

the Praetorian Guard, that's their key. You've got to have them on side. Yes. And if you don't, that's how you get fucked. Is that like the mob? Like the Gestapo or something? No, Pereturant Guard, it's more like if the Vrangian Guard, which is the Viking equivalent. It's basically if the beef eaters weren't symbolic, right?

It's very similar to. Imagine the beef eaters were the only people who were allowed to carry weapons in London. If only nowadays, in Sadiq's London, Christ, everyone's got a knife. Yeah, and every time you fucking post a tweet in the SWAT team come fucking blasting. The B-Feeders come knocking down your door with their pikes. No, beef eater is not slur for a man who, like, Oh, right, going down on the woman. Right.

Horrible. Oh, you've heard about him. I've heard he's a fucking beef eater. Imagine if you had to wear that when you went down in the woman. I'll just get my cloak. Let's get my hat on. Get a picture of a beef eating hat.

Imagine coming through the door in that and your wife's like, oh, hello. I know what's going on tonight then. Come on then, put the hat on. The rough. I mean, maybe that's why the rough's there. Christ. So, anyway, the Praetorian Guard gets bonuses.

He renames the month of September Germanicus after his dad. That's nice. Which is nice. Yeah. What would you call the month? Well, that'd be me like me calling November, Jeremy. October, Jeremy, December. It doesn't really make sense.

Yeah. It'll be August, Peter. August, Peter. October, Jeremy, December. Anyway, he includes his sister's names in the Imperial Oath. And this is very important. and everyone starts thinking that he's got a rock on for his sisters

supposedly... And how much for a big no-no is that in France? France is the culture. A sidebar. It's the culture in France. The culture. You got to do it for the culture. And France is the culture.

But in Romance is a big no-no. Because they're into some sick fucking shits. I don't know. So they don't like it. No. Incest isn't cricket. Right. No.

So is this why in Gladiator, which is taking from this period, right? That's why he fancies his sister, Joaquin Phoenix's character. Does it? Oh yeah, maybe. Yeah. So it's all playing on this sort of shit. It's Wacking Phoenix and Gladys is sort of based on

Caligula and Nero? Yes. So he's spending loads of money on all the games. He loves the Coliseum. He loves Bloodsports. There's clearly a sort of... Oh, I'd love to see a Bloodsport. Oh, I'd love to see a blood sport.

Genuinely, this is like a classic question. Where do you most like to go back to? Yeah. Like a day in history. For a day... Coliseum. To be a Roman peasant. Yeah.

Going to the Coliseum at the High of Bloodsports. Would you go to see a ball fight? If you think about... In Spain. Now. Yeah. Yeah. If no one was judging you.

If no one was judging you, I'd go. I mean, it's spectacle, isn't it? Yeah, Hemingway went to the ball ring and wrote... I wrote, um... It's called Death in the Afternoon. You wrote that? Sorry, I read it. I read it.

I read the book. I wrote that. You wrote that. Ernest Hemingway is my nom de plume. It's my pen name, Hemingway. But genuinely, I think... Oh, we've got to do a Hemingway episode. Yeah, his life is amazing.

There's a Ken Burns, six-spart documentary. Is there? Just on his life Oh, I've got to get into that He read his own obituary Because they thought he died He wrote to him They thought he died

They thought he died in the plane crash Yeah He was lost in the wilderness For two days, comes back And he's just in the morning He's just reading his own obituary That's amazing Come on

That's good stuff But yeah If I can go back for a day I've thought about it Through this whole series I do think height of Roman blood sports Sorry this is a list

Is this a list of blood sports Charlie So I didn't know this There's cock throwing Fox tossing This sounds like Jason to beef eating Goose pulling Human baiting

Now octopus wrestling I would back myself against an octopus Octopus wrestling up please Charlie Let's see what's going on there Octopus wrestling Octopus wrestling involves A diver grappling with a large octopus In shallow water and dragging it to the surface

Right But this is blood sports in general This is not Roman blood spots Although it was called wrestling It was not wrestling per se As most octopuses are rather skittish Not aggressive at all Yeah it seems easy

But this is not this is not Roman blood sports this is just general blood sports but I go back to the list of blood sports because what's Rampacan what's that one? That's these Japanese they're into some fucking shit

sick shit. Big cat fight that's in Java Panthers release from wooden boxes are surrounded by warriors with lancers trying to prevent them from breaking out of this

well that sounds quite Roman that's very Roman that's barebating isn't it because robering against a fucking we should do history of bloodsports what do you think is the most horrific blood spot most horrific

yeah I think bear baiting is the one I'd like the least Bear baiting that's happening in René's like England right What is it? Is it What do you do? Just fight one?

I think you just prod it with Knives and stuff And then it gets angry And then you just kill it Or maybe someone It needs to be some sort of like It's similar to bullfighting I imagine

Yeah Anyway I think they've got a little They've got like a mesh A net They've got a net on them And then they're just sort of prodding it With spears

Yeah It's not a game element It's not cricket It needs to be it Yeah it's not cricket No What, how would you make a cricket? Well, if it's like...

Give a bear a bat and start throwing balls out of. That's like you make a fucking cricket. That's how you make a cricket, Charlie. You put them in the stumps. Yeah, mark out, 22 yards. Get 10 other bears to field. Now, I don't know how good they'll be at that. No, that's cricket.

But I imagine, imagine standing there at the stumps and a bear is steaming into bowl. Fuck me. Terrifying. That's cricket. What are all fours. That is cricket. Overarm, please, Paddington. Anyway.

nowadays they're bear baiting Paddington in London yeah yeah anyway it's illegal Suddikistan um anyway Sidikistan Lundistan

Londonistan Christ Caligula's putting his beef eating costume on and he's going down on his sisters he's dressing up as gods he is quote ignoring masculine

and even human conventions when he's choosing how to dress so he's cross dressing I guess he's dressing up as a god maybe he's dressing up as animals he loves playing with the form he's sort of drag

he's in drag But a lot of the things we said in the Nero episode, right? Playing with the form, embarrassing the Senate, all this sort of stuff. It starts with Caligua. It starts with Colleges. Yeah. Right? My boy, colleagues.

Because this, I know what I'd seen this shit before? He, this is crazy. So even before his first expedition as a military general, he, um, he takes the breastplate. He steals Alexander the Great's breastplate from his tomb. And how old is that at this point? That's like 300 years old, I'd say. Is it, when's Alexander the Great, Charlie? 300 BC.

Alexander the Great timeline Me want to see it 300 BC 356 BC Yeah so it's when he was born Yeah so it's 300 years old Yeah but he nicks that from the tomb Gets that on He starts dressing as a god

He tries to deify himself in his own lifetime Yeah Without this is in the first year Months right so He establishes a shrine to himself He makes life-sized golden statues And then he Whatever he's wearing that day

he makes the statue wear the same clothes right it's crazy it's a bit vulgar it is vulgar he is a big one say there's a guy who's like putting a t-shirt on the statue yeah so what's what's cligula wearing today it's like when you see people who dress up dress their dogs up as with matching outfits to them yeah i like that i think it's very classic no i think it is it can be if you dress it like a spark shirt yeah if you make a shrine to yourself and say i'm with god and then you make a statue and you dress it like you i think that's a bit tasteless it's a bit new money yeah it's flash it is flash it is flat Vulgar.

Yeah, making a temple to yourself, it's just a bit, it's a bit like, come on, come on. There's no class to me. He's spent heavily. So he pours out gold coins and rolls naked in them. Yeah, that's down and fair at this point. He drinks pearls dissolved in vinegar. That can't be nice. Yeah, but you got to remember this is, they don't, they don't have nice, they're like six foods at this point.

I guess this is like, this is the first cocktail. They're like posh cereal. No, no, he's not eating pearls in a meal. No, he's dissolving the pearls. It's just miserable in the morning like, like fucking hell. No, they're not like your golden nuggets, Charlie. Right. There's not like wheatos, but it's pearls in vinegar.

I had golden nuggets earlier. Yeah, I know that's what you eat for breakfast. And I think that is an issue. I think you're starting your day. Yeah, that's a terrible way to start your day. Yeah. The best cereal. How often do you have golden nuggets?

Genuinely. Well, currently every, currently, Monday Friday. Five days away? But in general. Yeah, because I've got a few boxes in. A few? You buy them in bulk, do you? Yeah.

Multi-pack. But what's your standard breakfast over the last three years? I do think this is where part of the problem is. Eggs and golden nuggets? Wow. Do you put, like a fried egg when you put it on like a ramen?

Do you put that? Both golden nuggets. The fried egg on top. Yeah. I don't know. Because you're getting everything out of that. You're getting, you're getting everything.

Yummy from the nuggets. Yeah. Yummy nugs. Good egg. Are you still crushing eggs because s'b-hs been putting you on the egg diet? You've got piles.

Guys, please. Is your pile right out right now? No, it's not right right now. Is your knob out right now? I want to see it. I've got a bomb bono piled out. You've got a reverse bono? My personal trainer, we should just bleep his name.

But this is fascinating. Yesterday, I went for a session with him. And bear in mind, I've been seeing him for about five months. Up until yesterday, he's only just found out what I do. Up until yesterday, he thought I was a history teacher. It's because on our first session, I said, I would do a history podcast. Right. Because I don't want to get into it.

And he just heard teacher. and then genuinely he's been asking me about history while we did our sessions he's like, this guy huh, God, he knows of it. And you're like, I don't have a fucking to-vote.

Yeah, and then I don't have... Beef is fucking love eating minge. No, I do a Holocaust in our podcast. And he's like, what? Has he listened? I don't know. No, maybe as now, I don't know. Anyway, my point is...

Yeah, what's your point? My point is that... The point is, it's not my piles, is that Caligula is not eating pearls in vinegar like breakfast cereal. Okay, fine, fine. He builds massive. ships which this is interesting

these are like floating yachts these are huge super yachts they've got covered in jewels they've got marble toilets they've got heated baths they might even yeah have hot tub gardens they found so Mussolini found the ruins and they ordered them excavated at great expense and then they got destroyed during World War II but you can still go to

a museum now and see all the water pipes which took which is how he basically had a hot tub on his yacht Caligula Caligula right yeah yeah that's crazy anyway obviously he spends this you know a G7s military budget

in months in the first year on all these shows these yachts in all he then realized so it's starting to turn now because he's had to raise taxes yeah he's becoming a bit more unpopular with the public who are loving

this is sort of like you know new labour when the financial crash comes in everyone's like oh you spent all the money yeah yeah yeah yeah close the shore starts yeah yeah if you've got maternity if you're on maternity leave you're on your own blah blah blah scroungers and everyone's saying benefit thieves

he imposes taxes on food and prostitutes. That's the opposite of bread and circuses. You can't be taxed. Let's get down to brass tax. Let's go out of brass tax. That's where that comes from. That's where that comes from.

Brass tax. He imposes taxes on marriages, so you get married. You have to, I guess that means that, like, in what you spend on your wedding. A bit of that goes to the crazy. Get less for murder. He then starts to fake auctions.

So he runs auctions himself, but drives the prices up so that... What I love about these mad empress? They love doing other jobs. Well, they're doing everything. They're just love just doing... They're fucking cleaning the toilets, whatever. Now, now, like, when does a Prime Minister have time to do anything other than just

sort of be constantly on the back foot? They're actors, they're fucking musicians. A senator fell asleep at an auction and then, in quote, in air quotes, bought 13 gladiators for nine million cestasies. Well, they just got his hand and wrote. Yeah, basically. Right. He then, he starts to frame noble people for treason and then cites their property.

This is very funny. He forces strangers to name him in their wills, and then when they live too long, he poisons them. Well, you sort of snoo could be there. That's the ultimate inheritance tax. Right, I'm just going to kill you and take all your stuff. Write me in your will. Are you going to kill me?

No. Right, right. Bang. Yeah. Now, and this, he starts to turn the imperial palace on the Palatine Hill into a brothel, which is not, now this is big outrage for the cemeter's and the aristocracy. We've got to remember that Rome has this aristocratic class, this class-based system, and they've been running it for hundreds of years,

and this is early on in the empire and they're like this guy is tearing up convention and we don't like it. Yeah, I guess I struggled to understand what the moral headspace of Rome is because we understand it for you. It's quite moralistic.

Yeah, exactly. I thought so, but then all of these emperors are so fucking mad consistently. That's why we have the saying of living like a Roman emperor because back then, the people sort of love the drama of it. Because it's quite a martial stoic,

stoicism comes from Rome. It's popular. Right. But stoicism is later, that's Marcus Aurelius. Right. That's, that's way after this stuff. But it's still that sort of culture, Rome's strength is built on its order and its discipline. They're not like the fruity Greeks, right?

No, they're not. But that's what I mean is that they're, to the idea that it's like turning Buckingham Palace into a mega brothel. Right, right. The people, you know, everyday cab drivers would fucking love it. The future liberals want. Yeah, the future liberals want is that Buckingham Palace is a transgender brothel. cab drivers would love it

right they'd be like you won't believe what's going on in there but the MPs and the you know the nobility Jacob Rees-Mogg would be like this is absolutely terrible disaster

yeah yeah exactly so he stuffs the palace with matrons and freeborn youths he lent customers money at interest to then go and spend on his own so he's running Wonga as well

yeah basically it's like prostitute Wonga he then records the proceeds of the brothel as quote Caesar's revenue Right Caesar means emperor for anyone

Who's just Yeah Go on the train So only a few months Into his reign Collicular Fallicular falls Gravely ill

Yeah Yeah And this is This is kind of What historians say Is the The turning point In his reign

Yeah Yeah Well they're basically Saying that He like He goes mental He like It's like when

Hitler got into drugs Yeah Yeah Yeah Ah he's in bed he starts listening to thrash metal

he puts a flame bandana on I mean he's already pretty mental but basically well it's like it's like when you get like someone gets a tumour and it pushes on the paedophile bit of the brain

you know about this this happened to you you're on it I've actually got a brain tumor that's pushing you know about that that is that's absolute that's absolute phonology the paedophile bit of the brain

so someone pushed the beta button in my head and I can't turn it off. I mean, it's not far off, though. You heard about this, right? You're not heard about this. So someone... So it's like foreign accent syndrome,

but it's Pido syndrome. Basically, someone basically got a brain tumour and whenever it grew, he had paedophilic thoughts, and whenever it was in remiss, it was... Search up, it's true. And when he'd not stop having paedophile thoughts.

So there is, like, if something starts growing your brain, you can become... Reports in the early 2000s, did he had the case of a 40-year-old teacher who, Controllable

Uncontrollable What is pushing it Epidophilic Urges was found to have a brain tumor The man's of normal sexual behaviour which included an obsession with child pornography

and sexual advances towards his stepboard disappeared after the tumour's I think that could be coincidence As a paedophil who happened to have a brain tumour I don't know if you can say

He's trying to blame it on something else You know What is that What's that saying? He's coming on to a step door to I've got brain tube I've got cancer

I got cancer I got cancer Get your dick out I got cancer I got cancer I think that's I've got cancer These people are

It's the cancer It's the cancer Yeah Your Honor I don't know It feels a bit I'm not got cancer anymore So it's cancer

Come back I think Pido button I don't I think it might be true I think What's that correlation does an equal causation

Yeah I don't know I think that's convenient Hmm It's definitely a theory It's potential Because if you start If you start

If you start fucking Playing Fred again With your brain You'd start You've got like You know, you'd be like Chinese accent. You're a paedophile for a second. Well, that seven-year-olds attractive.

Oh, hell, I'm from Devon. Like, what? But get the clip over the Devon woman. Hero, I'm from Devon. Have you not seen that woman? The Devon woman who got, if you've not seen it, get it up. It's fucking incredible.

Yeah, but if that can happen, then you can get the Pino buttons. Maybe it's just out. Maybe she should count her lucky star. She's not announced this woman. Basically, cover your skull out, let Fred again go hell for leather. A woman from Devon.

has Chinese work up with the Chinese accent after stroke. Her own from Devon. That's what she says. My name is Sarah Correel. I am 40 years old. I live in Plymouth,

Bonn and Bread here. You've seen this. About five years ago now, I had a stroke-life event. Yeah. So this is what happens when you just keep pressing. You keep pressing.

You get in your head. Yeah. And you either are a Chinese peanut fog or you've been up. Yeah. Well, it'd be very tough like to get both, wouldn't it? I've got foreign accent Pido Cintra.

Oh, Herrera. That's heaven. That's heaven roll. Looks nice. Anyway, we don't know what happens to Culligula. I don't think... Sorry, are we saying that for the next episode, we're going to have to do all of it in a Chinese accent because Culligula gets foreign accent's intro.

Oh, you don't know. We don't know which bottom was pressed. Okay, anyway, he falls ill. We think he could be syphilis. or something or it could be it could be like a UTI you know people go mad and they're like oh people go mad yeah it's a four cranberry juice on it so his character changes dramatically

right he's on his death my name is quirigua I'm de emperab a sure arm but he's on his deathbed and he sounds different you know

oh yeah he's saying his accents changed because you're you're Italian why are you speaking like that, my name a corrigua.

You're on his deathbed, ancient writers frame this moment as the turning point where a young emperor turns into a

death pot. Into a Chinese Bidafon. Anyway, in our next episode, we will continue the story

where he really goes mental. Where he's accent really starts to get a bit much. That episode is already on our Patreon, where for £3 a month, you too.

To become a Chinese paedophile. We will press on parts of your brain. To be honest, actually, it would make more sense of our patrons have just had a button press and that's why they sign up. They've lost all their post control. Got a brain tumour.

They've had a stroke. I got a brain tumour so I signed as a patron. Yeah. So I got cancer. Yeah. Oh, the brain tumour's gone. I bet a cancer doesn't. subscription.

Anyway, we do a bonus episode every week, and they're getting pretty fruity. Yeah. We did a geisha episode, dressed up like geishers, talked about a day in the life of Jacksonysport next week. Yeah. We're doing our sonning next week. Yeah. We're going to do a live stream where we sign our assholes to get more powerful.

Oh, you've got access to the live stream episodes we did where we did the life of blondie, Hitler's dog. That was wild. We did Bin Laden's hard drive on another live stream. Bin Laden's hard drive live. Not a good stuff. All ad free and early release. If you listen to the podcast, three pounds a month is a great deal.

It's less than the price of a coffee, but you don't drink coffee, so it's less than, I don't know, a monster. Six-pack. Six-pack a monster. I don't know. No, it's not. How much a can of a monster?

It is. It's a six-pack a monster. Do you reckon they'll ever put... Six-pack a monster? You know how nowadays you go into a coffee shop and it's just like, it's all like Americano, latte, and then my dad goes in and goes, I just want to, can I just have a coffee?

Clown to have a monster? Can I just have... It's like tropical ice. It's like a wizard's clunge. That's what I mean. Can I say, what's happened to Monster? Can I just have a can of Monster? How much is 24 Monsters?

24 Monsters is 27 pounds. Right, if you buy an annual subscription, you're actually saved 10%. Right. So, an annual subscription is less than a 24 bag of monsters. Is it? Yeah. Wow.

So, you know, for the festive season. Our patrons are sweating. It's that, that meme with the two buttons. 24 bag of monster annual subscription. Uh, yeah. So, you can buy a year's worth. And you can, you can, you can, gift to someone

because the festive season's approach right you can gift someone it's like 30 quid you get a year's worth of a 24

pack of monster that would be a horrendous thing to give someone or tell you what you can do both if you're really special in their life

24 back a monster with a little card on top so you've also got a year's worth of that is the absolute in-cells starter kids not even the house

don't even upstairs no don't say hi to your mum anymore stay in the basement fuck you mum I got the 24 monster

page and subscription anyway that's on the Patreon and if not, thanks for stopping by and we will see you next time for more. Courier, alright? Goodbye, I'm a peterfow.

expertly cleaned and folded. So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you. Like tea time you. Mmm. Or this tea time you. Or even this tea time you. Said you hear about Dave?

Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you. Mmm. So update on Dave. It's up to you. We'll take the laundry. Rince. It's time to be great. Are you tired of stoshing your day with Pointless political arguments, superficial summaries and lukewarm hot takes on the radio.

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