Fin vs History - Going Dubai with @MarkAnthonyFitness | Cleopatra (Part 2)

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

Cleopatra actually lived closer in time to the invention of paintball than the building of the pyramids.  The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠patreon.com/fintaylor  Chapters; 00:00 - Hold Your Pum Back 05:33 - Mark Antony Fitness 12:13 - Paedophile Time 15:03 - What’s Wrong Lager Boy? 17:51 - Warhammer Troll 20:36 - The Only Way Is Egypt 23:45 - Boring Joan Of Arc 26:48 - The Poison Botherer 32:09 - Location Location Location 36:54 - Snake Milker 40: 51 - Top 10 Women 43:32 - Cleofatra Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Welcome back to Vin versus History. I'm joined by Horatio called Hi. We're still in ancient Egypt. So maybe it was a gay Arab saying hi. That's what that is. That is true.

And you're right, if the film opens on a vista of the pyramid and then it pan around and it was just a and it is, does lose something. It's not quite as romantic. Anyway, we're in ancient Egypt where this is part two of our Cleopatra series. We're at the end of ancient Egypt, basically. We are.

Oh no. Dude, who's that? That's the gay Arab saying goodbye. Bye. It's Egypt is at this point, yeah, the bookended ancient Egypt by a gay, happy Egyptian and then a sort of sad. I mean, he's kebab shops closing, whatever. Bye. Caesar's been assassinated.

Cleopatra has had a son vaginally with him. He was not cut out of her tummy. Even though that was an option at this point in history. And in 43 BC, Roman power goes to a triumvirate. Three fellas, Octavian, Mark Anthony, and Leopardus. Is this podcast a triumvirate? It is. Triumvirate.

Charlie is Leopardus. That's all I know. He's the one that most stornes like my... It doesn't matter of mind. So this is... Now, I think Caesar had started the first triumvirate, but then quite quickly seized power, I think. So it's quite like a base move to start a triumvirate.

Yeah, I guess so. It's quite manly. I suppose if you're walking around town saying, yeah, I've started a triumvirate, it's not cool. Many of our listeners will have triumvirates and they will call them the second time. Yeah, so it's not necessarily a powerful thing. It's just any group of three. Yeah, I guess so. Right.

So it really could be anything. It could be a World Warcraft clan. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Right. But this is the one that's supposed to take over the Roman Empire. and I believe there's a kind of fight for who takes over the eastern Mediterranean

which is the more profitable. Yeah, well, Caesar was assassinated because they thought he was becoming too much like a king. Yeah. They hate kings. They hate kings. Yeah. So they assassinated him.

And then it basically... Go away, king. As soon as he died, where there's the generals loyal to Caesar who were trying to catch his killers and then his killers, Brutus. Cassius. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. Yeah. Mark Anthony is on Facebook live. saying you're all snakes.

I can't trust any of you. You stabbed Caesar in the back. Yeah, literally. You literally. And so now it's a mad scramble for power. All bets are off. Cleopatra receives requests for military assistance from both sides of the conflict.

And she, like the shrewd woman she is, she waits to see who comes out on top. Yes. She waits. She holds her pung back. Hold your pund back sometimes. It's the art of war, isn't it? I believe the first thing in the art of war is hold your pun back.

Well, you need to know when to hold them. When to fold them. You heard that song? No, is that country music? Yeah, I don't listen to country music. In terms of a triumvirate of traits, what is your least, is it country music, NFL? Oh, is it the trial nightmare triumvirate of traits? Country music, NFL, World of Warcraft.

Yeah, that's a brutal combination, that. Do you think many of our audience? Yeah. That's their only traits. our audience earn what money they can through being part-time paintball marshals. They run the airlocks in LaserQuest. They are slushy machine technicians.

These are their jobs. They never have to leave the comfort zone of regional Cineplexes. I went to a paintball, on a paintball birthday when I was like, I don't know, fucking too old, like 22. And the marshal was saying, you guys better not be out of order or else.

And this is like a fat comic book looking guy. And their bolt action, paintball rifles, right? Terrify. Yeah, and he went like this. He just looked just all in the eyes and went like this. Into the wall, we went, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bang!

And just like, then he just like, aura farm, just staring at all of us. Like it was like the hardest thing ever. Bro, you're a painful marshal. That is sick, though. Bam, ba, bab, bab, bab, bang! I've not told you that I went. So just make sure you always keep your mask on or else.

Bam, bam, bam, bab, bah, bang. I went, I went painballing when I was, like, 14. Yeah. And someone came up behind me and said, surrender, surrender, I've got, I've got a knife. I'm like, what? I've got a knife, surrender, and I'm like, surrender, won't you? I don't have a knife?

I don't have a knife. Yeah, you can't bring a knife to a paintball fight. No, that's not fair. It's not like, it's not war. It's paintballing. You can't have a knife on you. So we've had, this paintball place was so shitty. It was clearly like, I don't know,

I don't think it was official. This bolt action one, you had to, they were so weak, you had to sort of aim them. It was like, It was like your arches. You're looking for gravity to take it down. Because you couldn't even, yeah,

wouldn't even clear fucking 10 meters. This is pre-paintball, we should stress. We're talking about, this is sort of 40 pieces. But Cleopatra is closer to the adventure of paintball and then she used to the building of the pyramids. Great fact. Did you know that?

Did you know that, fat listeners? Cleopatra was alive closer to how you spend your weekends than the building of the pyramids. Isn't that amazing? So Cleopatra, she sent that the four Roman leaders, that were stationed in Egypt to Dolabaya. I don't know where that is. Because I think Octavian...

Is he going off to Iran or something? I don't know, maybe that's later. Hang on. Publius Cornelius. Is that the time? That must have you say it. Publius. Publius. Publius.

Publius. Publius. Publius. Cornelius Dolabella is a Caesarian loyalist. Now that means he was a loyalist to Caesar not born. He was not... Or he's just loyal to that method of birth. I'm a vaginal loyalist.

Anyway, I'm a vaginal. There was a coup on the government by the vaginal loyalists. Yes, yeah. The straight men taking power. He requests aid, and Cleopatra doesn't know what to do because he is one of... Is he one of Cedarsians?

Cesarian loyalist, so he's on his side. So Cleopatra doesn't really know what to do because she's receiving all these requests from the various sides of the conflict. So she tries to avoid assisting them, but she does send four legions to Dolabella to help the Zerian loyalist. Anyway, these troops are captured by Cassius in Palestine.

There's anything ever wrong been gone on there. Yeah, that's a long history. That's very unusual, actually, that something should go wrong there. Complicating Cleopatra's position. Meanwhile, Cyprus, fucking hell, man, is hot here, man, today. They defect to Cassius. It's all a bit of a Mediterranean mess. You've dropped a plate of carbon ore on the floor.

Mediterranean meltdown. There's shards of pottery in there. There's pasta. There's fresh. There's men standing up from their chairs. What the fuck, man? It's all gone. It's pandemonian. Their plastic chairs are tipping over because they don't weigh enough because they're cheap.

Anyway, Cleopatra attempts to intervene by sailing her fleet to join Octavian and Anthony, but her ships are damaged in the storm. By 42 BC, Anthony has defeated the forces of Caesar's assassins. So this means that Cassius and Brutus, who are two at the snakes, they're the snakes that killed Caesar. They then kill themselves in pretty funny ways. Yeah, I mean, Roman nobles are very Japanese with their approach to suicide. Yeah. They fucking love it. Brutus asks people to help him die, but they refuse.

And so his servant holds a sword while Brutus fucking Usain bolts into it. Running into a sword. Yeah, I mean, could you do that? I think my instincts would stop me. I think I'd run and be like, ah, no, no, no, no, no, sharp, sharp. Like, you have to run so hard into a sword to get the same level of thrust. right? Yeah.

I don't know how that would work. Fucking cabb yourself. That's how me and my wife have sex. Oh, yeah? She just runs into it. So anyway, Cassius commits suicide by having his servant stab him with the same sword used to kill Caesar. Mm.

So, yeah, which is quite like, um, um, uh, justice. So by the end of 42 BC, Cesar's assassins are dead, but Rome is still divided between Octavian and Mark Anthony. the most English-sounding bloke there ever was in ancient Rome. Can you find out if there's anyone else called like... James Smith. Yeah, Julian Bourne.

He does sound like a PT, Mark Anthony. Oh, Mark Anthony PT is definitely a Instagram handle. Hi, Finn, just dropping into your DMs because I know you're busy man, but... Why these people always messaging? I've got so many. It's like... Fuck off. I'm not that publicly fat.

Yeah, but also, I get them all the time. Are you going to come to my gym and give me a free PT? session. No, you're going to give me a Zoom call where you're going to tell me three things to do. Quick consultation about how we can improve your phone. And then you want me to shout you out. Stop, P.T. Stop DMing me.

Please. Fuck off. And do something else. It's very boring. Yeah. I'm also, I'm taken. Yeah. I've got Tyreek. You've got a man's. I've already got piles. Yeah. I don't need any more. Wait till my mans here is about this.

Yeah. Get your hands off those piles. There's a mine. Those are Tyreeks. We built those together. I'm eating creatine powder. I'm popping bold eggs up there. My piles are,

my piles have never looked better. Yeah. I'm sitting down on a fucking bucket of grapes. Right. And I wouldn't have it any other way. You're sitting on an exercise ball. I am. I'm just constantly bouncing on my piles like this.

Anyway. Christ. Mark Anthony establishes headquarters. Mark Anthony at Mark Anthony P.T. Mark Anthony Fitness. Yeah. He establishes headquarters in Turkey. Because his idea really,

He wants... I'm a freaking picture in this bloke. Yeah. He wants to kind of run the eastern part of the Roman Empire because he thinks it's all going to break up and he wants to be there. Which it is, to be fair. Yeah, well, it's on the...

Because also, isn't it kind of a poison chalice to have to run Italy because that's where all the troops live and you have to pay for your troops to live somewhere. So there's... It costs more... You have to raise taxes on the local... So maybe it's better to be a governor of a province.

You have to raise taxes on your own population to keep the troops there. Whereas in Turkey, it's like, I can shit where I look, don't shit where you eat or shit where you don't eat. Is it sort of like... Is that a phrase, shit where you don't eat? It's just don't shit where you eat, isn't it? It's sort of a stama or burn and, sort of. It should be shit where you don't eat. Because burnham...

Because you need to shit. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. I think we're both talking about too very different. I think it's all about the same thing. I was talking about stammer and burnham, you were talking about shit where you eat. Yeah. Which I guess...

Shit where you don't eat. Yeah. But it's funny how it's don't shit where you eat, not don't shit where you eat. Is it always about sex, that phrase? No, no, it's about shagging. Yeah, it is. It's about shagging. Yeah, it is.

It can be. It's not about pooing. It's very simplistic way of reading it. I think, I think maybe it started off. I think it's also very good advice just at face value. Don't poo in the mouth. Don't poo on your plate of food. Yeah, if you're avoiding having sex with someone you work with.

And then they went, well, there's a sort of truth to this that could be, you know, there's a lateral move to a sexual metaphor. But initially... There's a grander truth, yeah. Yeah, initially... There's more profound, deeper, resident truth. But you're a poet, Charlie, so you're all. always thinking about double meanings.

I am. I'm quite illiterable. Don't eat poo. I've also got that tattoo to my other arm. I've got I'll bite my fry on one and don't eat poo on the other. It's really confusing. What this guy believes in. Right? I find a lot of joy in work and I've got to remember not to eat poo.

Those are my central mottoes. I wouldn't put it there. You can't read it there. It's upside down so I can read it. Yeah. I mean, you've got to have it right there. No, because I'm... You've got to put it on your hand.

No, I've got poo on the back of your hand. I've got poo at my fork. I'm like, oh, thank God for that. We did say we're trying to get this episode out the gutter. It's ancient history. It is the gutter. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to see this.

Let's go off poo. We're talking about Anthony and Cleopatra, Shakespeare's famous play, which is based off of what actually happened. Yeah. Thousands of years ago. And then Cleopatra realizes that Anthony and Augustus's... What?

I was laughing at laughing The Caesarian loyalists are basically winning this power struggle so Cleopatra

puts her chips in with Mark Anthony Fitness Why are you laughing at that? Sorry, this whole set up is fucking ridiculous Mark Anthony Fitness So she goes to Turkey

Mark Anthony Fitness is there getting his teeth and hair done Yeah, yeah Absolutely brilliant Just want to say Big shout out collab Cheers

They pick you up in the airport in a great fucking limousine. Look at this. Done my hair. Mark Anthony says the West has fallen and he's moved to Dubai. Yeah.

You know, the type of guy. He only wears exercise clothes. He maybe started streaming. You know, he's that sort of guy. He thinks the funniest guy in the world is bash. Yeah. Yeah. He says that publicly.

Yeah. Anyway. And Cleopatra can't resist this guy. Catnip. Catnip. She's plows through Caesar. So she takes... They met when she was 14 and he fell in love with her then.

And then he'd been... So Mark Anthony P.T. is a pto. Yeah, that's what the price means stands for. Oh, sorry. Peterball time. Yeah. I've had to move to Dubai due to some allegations in London. But anyway,

The Matrix is trying to stop me. But London is falling anyway under Sadiq. So I'm actually, Dubai is better because there's no taxes. Yeah. And there's slave labor. It's brilliant. So they meet in Anatolia. They get down the Nile.

They have a Nile cruise, don't they? Or is that Caesar? That's Caesar, yeah. She does that again with this hot piece of Ask Mark Anthony Fitness. Right. Who's moved out to Dubai because of some allegations of what he did with this. And so she's gone, hey, we use slaves. Which is very fuck-boy thing to do.

Which is have your set up. You know, you have all your lines. Yeah. You have the moves you do. You play the same song. But Egypt is Dubai at this point. Yeah. It's slaves.

Yeah. It's not, you know, so. It's hot with slaves. Yeah. So Cleopatra takes Mark Anthony Fitness on a sightseeing cruise down the Nile. She knows how to play these guys like a fiddle. Now, sightseeing and the Nile at this point, it's just the Nile, isn't it? And some, and some, and the back.

of the river? What do you mean? What sites are the city? It's desert, right? No, no, there's amazing signs on the Nile, which have been there for thousands of years. Oh, fine, because you went on a cruise, is you? Yeah, and all that stuff's older than the Cleopatra.

So there's a lot. It's actually older than Cleopatra than it is recent to whatever you want. Airfriars. Isn't that amazing? That is amazing. Cleopatra would have recognized an air friar. More than she would have recognized the pyramids.

That's how that work. So, she takes him on a cruise, and Mark Anthony fitness is like this place is great. I love it. I never want to go back to London and I can't actually. They hear it off, but there's a genuine vibe with these two seemingly.

There is a romance. Anthony agrees to execute Cleopatra's snake sister Arsinovinau. Arsenao. She's executed on the steps of the temple which scandalises Rome because they're a bit icky about this sort of stuff.

This sort of stuff. Because it feels very backward. Let's get to the romance because the central, what probably what Cleopatra's known most for, actually, is her romance with Mark Anthony. Yeah. In 41 BC,

should we place 41 BC for our thick listeners? So, I guess, 41 BC is after Julius Caesar across the Rubicon. Yeah. And before... Rubicon the drink. Rudicone.

Charlie, I bet you drink Rubicon the drink. I like Rubicon. Do you like Rubicon? No. No. No. I drink black coffee, tea, beer, whiskey or coffee.

water, that's it. You eat your own poo. I don't eat my own poo. I've got a tattoo telling me not to. Because I don't shit where I eat and I don't eat where I shit. Sometimes a fruity soda in the sun? I bet you eat where you shit. I bet you eat on the toilet.

I had a coffee on the toilet. Yeah, exactly. On the toilet. Coffee on the toilet. So to encourage the... But coffee's such an enjoyable part of the day. I don't think I'd want to drink it like it was some sort of lactative. I needed to go.

You're doing espresso on the toilet going, come on. I've got to... That's crazy. right anyway so cleopatra invites mark antony fitness to visit Alexandria so November 41 after he receives across the Rubicon before Rubicon the drink he goes to the

city and Alexandria they love him they love him this guy's brilliant his hair look at his teeth he's got a giga chad sort of jawline he's looks maxing he is he's wearing all like under armour kit right and then they form a society called the inimitable

the inimitable livers right which I might yeah it's quite like I don't know. That doesn't go hard as a name. No, I tell you what, that's what our fans who form the triumvirate. When they go to the pubs, they call themselves the inimitable livers.

It sounds like a pub quiz team. A pint of Hopgoblin for the inimitable livers, please. What's wrong, Lagerboy? Ferd you might taste something? My liege? My liver's inimitable. Now, what does that... Is that because alcohol affects your liver?

But did they even know that? They know that. Egyptians are always cutting livers out and putting them in fucking Pringles jars. What does... Inimitable, mean. Describe something of someone so unique, exceptional, high quality.

Our livers are exceptionally tolerant to alcohol. Right, yeah. I mean, that's pretty... I can have over four pints of Hopgoblin and still walk home. Yeah. So it's very millennial sort of energy from BC 41. Hobgoblin's not a millennial drink. It's timeless.

Yeah, it's timeless. It crosses generations. Now, the social activities of the inimitable livers included drinking, feasting, hunting, playing dice and playing pranks. Obviously, this is in ancient Egypt. Nowadays, the social activities of the inimitable livers would include board games. Board games.

Settlers of Katam Yeah. They would include... Do you like a board game? Sorry? Do you like a board game? During Christmas, I like playing board games but I'm drinking during them.

I mean, it's not the only thing I'm doing. Yeah, right. But you wouldn't go to a board game cafe or something like that. If I had a gun, I wanted to shoot it up, I would. No, board game cafes are not for me. Yeah. I walk past and I go, fuck it now. That's what I do.

I'll pass the board game I go fuck it no look at them in there yeah I sometimes I did get a lynx Africa grenade chuck it in shut the door you just

hope for the best you want to wedge the aerosol down so it's just constantly spraying and just chuck in there like a flashbang did you ever do

the Warhammer Challenge thing with the Warhammer shops where you walk to the back of the shop and you touch the wall no you do that and then they get very upset

what? Why? Because you're mocking them you're basically you're trolling them What's the troll what's the troll? What's the troll?

They do do pranks So I guess this is sort of rolling the staff in the Warhammer shop by going to the back of the shop and then touching the wall. Right. And then leaving. And then they become enraged.

Why? Explain it. Because you're kind of mocked. You're not there to buy any of the gear. You're there to sort of colorize them, I guess. If you're working in a Warhammer shop, which we must stress, you know, this is as tense for our audience

is when we talk about Islam. This is their life. We don't want to get it wrong. They might get a custom-made axe and chop our heads off. A night health axe. Yeah, exactly. So when you go into a,

a Warhammer shop, three comic book guys will turn and they'll look at you and they'll be like, slowly, they'll turn slowly. How can I help you today? And then you go to touch the wall and they go, for fuck's sake. Don't come in the shop, you're not going to buy anything. They slow clap you. Do they?

I are well done. Yeah, I bet you're pleased with yourself. You'd probably think you've outsmarted us, but no one outsmarts you in the inner door livers. Firing paintball into a wall. Firing paintball going into a wall It's fucking terrific energy.

I don't know what it is, but I... Just misunderstanding what makes something bad ass. Like, it's nearly cool because there's a couple of things there, but you've fundamentally misunderstood. Well, it's firing a gun in front of some kids, but you're a paintball marshal. Because I guess firing an AK into the air is cool.

Yeah. But firing a paint call in front of 12-year-olds. Yeah, no. Anyway, so... Wait, would you actually do that in the way? having shops though. I did it once, yeah. To be honest,

it made me feel like quite bad. Yeah, you got slow clapped and then you just feel like like you've been kind of mean. The pranks that they would do in the inevitable levers include... So they're having a whale of a time.

They're fucking living it up. I mean, it feels like quite a politically tense time to be fucking doing pranks. But I guess... It feels like the world's on a knife edge. Mark Anthony at this point... Construct. He is not...

He is construct, but he's also, he's not in an open warfare with Octavian. I believe Octavian is looking after the west of the empire. And Anthony's on the east. He's on a jolly. There's a kind of piece for now.

He's a sex tourist in the East. Yeah, he's a sex tourist in Dubai. Yeah. And so he and Cleopatra bets Mark Anthony Fitness that she could spend 10 million cestuses, which is the equivalent to over $10 million today, on one dinner. Hold up, sorry.

One dinner. I think the numbers were on there. Are you telling me that... That's such a big number. No, cesteries are exactly the same as a dollar. No, because that's... I think I think 10... So it's 10 million successories as equivalent to $10 million.

I don't think that's the exact... that same exchange rate. I mean, who cares? Not me. I don't care. There'll be someone. 25 million. I'm pretty close though.

It's close though. Yeah. Surprisingly close, um, exchange rate for thousands of years. It is close. Yeah. Anyway, uh, Anthony goes, yeah, I could spend 10 million dollars on one dinner. And then Cleopatra puts a big pearl in a glass of vinegar to dissolve it and then she drinks it.

Right. Is this a prank again? Yeah. I mean, is that, is that, because, uh, I mean, comedy ages badly. Oh, because the, oh, the bet is that Cleopatra can do it. Right. She's a go-er. She's like, check this out. Yeah. Because you know how we did mention this before in one

episode, Charlie thought that you'd eat pearls in vinegar like he eats golden nuggets, like cereal. Another prank is that Mark Anthony Fitness goes fishing. He can't catch any fish. His servants are attaching pre-court fish to his hook. And he's like, oh, look, I caught one. That's quite, yeah. So he gets to her divers.

There must be divers at this point. A snorkel is a thing? Or they're using like reeds? Are they using the inside of reeds? It's just slaves who have to try and make it work or other than die. Slaves who can hold their breath. Sheaf gets them to fasten salted herring

or dried fish onto his hook and then he's like, ah, got you. Right. And maybe he's emasculated. But anyway... A lot of flirty banter. They become, I guess,

the only way is Egypt, sort of basic bitch couple. Mark Anthony Fitness. Yeah. Cleopatra. As be honest, a girl from Essex might be called Cleopatra. And Mark Antony.

Yeah. I mean, Deiomonte. Yeah. Their relationship produces three children. They have twins. the twins, Alexander Helios, which is a direct tribute

to Alexander the Great, which everyone says is Cleopatra, basically being like, I'm in that lineage, like I'm a bad bitch. And then Cleopatra Salinei, their boy... And the later's son,

guess what, Ptolemy? Tolomey, Philadelphia. If A in... What does Philadelphia? Does it mean? Does it mean AIDS? Right, sorry. This is pre-AIDS.

Right. I must say, it's pre-AIDS. But she is closer to the AIDS pandemic. She is closer to AIDS. than she is to the building of the pyramids. Because the building, if you wanted to be safe from AIDS, the best place to go

is back to when they built the pyramids. Yes, because that's much further. You would not get AIDS there. I could guarantee you wouldn't get AIDS there. And if you did, then you've been really bit a bad boy. You changed the course of history because you've been fucking a monkey way too early.

Yeah. So, following the birth of the twins, Mark Anthony Fitness goes to Athens to be with his wife, Octavia. And he's not... He's got a wife. Yeah, he's got a wife. Yeah, he's had to leave England

because it's impedo stuff, he's gone Dubai. But he's got a wife, Octavia. That's not Octavian, who is his political rival. Everyone's name in this series is fucked. He's a nightmare. Forget about Scott McTolomey. He's gone. He's gone.

Now, Anthony prepares for a renewed Eastern campaign. He wants more territory. I think he's going to invade what's now Iran, which are called like the Persia. Persian Iran are interchangeable, actually. No, but it's not Persians. The empire's called like the Pithin, Perthian. Not Parthians.

Yeah, yeah, Parthia. Parfia. Is that Persia? Yeah. Like northern Iran, I think. Right. Anyway, so he's trying to go there and Cleopatra stages the donations of Alexandria, a ceremony in which territories and royal titles are distributed to her and her children.

Cleopatra titles herself, Queen of Kings. Fair enough. And children of kings. And sort of gets a lot of gifts that inscribe the Anthony Peterpatria together. Yeah. Because they're going to try and marry the empires together. That's the whole point. She's using her sexual power and her romantic power.

She's a femme fatal is what she is. She is the first femme for towel. If she was truly that inbred, surely she did look. But this is what I meant last time. Yeah. So sexy. Beauty standards of the age. But like, yeah, her granny's her mom.

Her great granny is also her great uncle and great son-in-law. But I guess every now and then. Stop clock. Stop clock is sex. Something about her. Yeah. If your face is purely randomised, whereas like your nose is up here.

your eyes is down here at one point it might look normal just by accident basically I reckon her ancestors had one eye up here one eye down here and slowly over time sorry it's very emotional slowly over time their eyes got level

so her children are assigned realms at this ceremony also she gets back all the old Ptolemaic lounds from their peak and pomp so she gets Cyprus she gets parts of Greece she gets I think Palestine

Macedonia She gets, yeah, I don't know. But she gets basically the height of the Ptolemaic Empire. She managed to negotiate it back. But we don't know anything about this because they only surviving records about her a Roman. So we only know a bit, like, you don't know how she did it.

Well, she struck a deal with Mark Anthony. That seems to make sense. But she also got more of Egypt stuff, like further down. Yeah, because Rome chooses who gets what? Oh, right. Okay, fine. The eastern half of Roman Empire. And the deal was,

will be a political marriage but I want the old Ptolemaic empire to be reinstated so she actually manages to negotiate a huge territorial expansion for the Ptolemies Yeah it's just more evidence that Cleopatra is more worthy

Of studying than Joan of Arc Yeah she's based Joan of Arc Boring Anyway Anthony dispatches a report to Rome which seeks ratification of these territorial allocations

But Octavian not his wife his rival who we should probably call Augustus because that's who he ends up being and that's easier Augustus suppresses the document's publication due to its inflammatory nature

because the proven people would not like this idea that this Egyptian woman with wonky eyes maybe is playing their ruler like a fiddle. Playing Mark Anthony Fitness like a fucking fiddle

like a fucking pipe she's got a thumb up his ass and she is making him sing Octavian Augusta he then basically creates a propaganda campaign that portrays Mark Anthony Fitness as a little bitch cuck and therefore, and I emphasise the fact that he's abandoned the Roman way of doing things.

So in 32 BC he gets Mark Anthony's will which is stored with Vestal Virgin's PLC I guess. I think that's our patron right? Vestal Virgins. Sorry, that's our patron terms, yeah. The Vestal versions at Warhammer and weekend warriors paintball ready. Devil's helmet and Wolfsbane.

Devils helmet and Wolf Blang. Shout out to Devil's helmet, Wolfblang. Anyway, so he publicised the portions that then show the misplaced lollities in his will. So is Cleopatra in his will at this point? You must be. Cleopatra's in Mark Antony. This is part of the deal that he's struck with Cleopatra.

Which then means... So he's coming out and going, Worst deal, Mark Anthony. Octavian men has... legal framing to secure the Senate support for another civil war. Let's go again. Let's go again. Rack that shit up.

Now we get to the Battle of Actium, a naval battle in 31 BC. Yeah. Christ, hold on to your fizzy pants, girls. It's a pre-Christ naval battle. You can't believe your luck. You're commuting to your boring job. And it turns out there's a. naval battle in 31 BC that you can spend your time. Can you type in battle back to him? Let's

have a look at some of these boats. Let's look at the gear. Let the dogs see the rabbits. What are the boats called? Is this the one where Mark Anthony Fitness has these boats that have a big ram on the front? Okay. So his strategy is that he will ram boats with his big boat ram. They have like a big dick at the front. He's going to ram them in. But I don't think Mark Anthony Fitness has enough men on the ship to get enough speed up to actually effectively ram Octavian's boats. Also is Cleopatra seemingly semi-commanding another party, are we?

And as much as she is based, I do think she does get a bit emotional because as soon as shit goes west, she does flee, leaving him kind of loose cock in his hands. Yeah, she was a rear Admiral sort of So she had And it's like this is for autistic bloats Where's the bloke, love?

Where's the bloke, love? So she's got 60 Egyptian warships Yeah And then our Mark Anthony Fitness has Nearly 500 vessels Yeah And they're aiming for a breakout But Cleopatra

Fucked off when the ships Yeah, fucked off with the battle turns against them Which means Anthony follows Because he's cuntrack Yeah Which then means the Navy is doomed And the Octavian Essentially wins this naval battle

Yeah so they returned to Egypt and try and kind of crisis PR it Yeah Get out in front of it Sorry guys We messed up

It was actually a moral victory A bit like England in the ashes Yes yeah yeah If it hadn't been rained off We had them on the ropes Probably did We essentially did win three too Just forget about the weather

But then Mark Anthony Anthony fit into the supporter Start leaving him Blah blah blah The inimitable livers collapses Which is a real sign Yeah They then form

The Society of partners in death. Right. Which is a bit of a key change. Yeah. So they start experimenting with poison because as we said in the last episode. Experimenting.

Cleopatra is a real poison botherer. Yeah. And what's the expect? When you say experiment. What they're trying to do is that, well, they're giving servants different types of poison and seeing what happens to them.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. What do you want me to do? Yeah, just have a go on this. Have a bang on this. See what happens. Yeah.

What's the worst could happen? I'd like to see a Tom Jilby but for poison. That'd be good. What a poison, Yeah, he's just... Tom Gilby the poison guy. He's trying it like this is, he's spitting it out saying that's disgusting.

That's not poison, Wanker approved. That's fucking poison, that is. He's trying, she's trying to negotiate with Augustus. Yep. And trying to get Mark Anthony Fitness just exile. Yep. But Augustus is on the front foot now. And then the thing about Cleopatra is that she, all points, refuses to be made a triumph.

This whole practice, where foreign conquered kings and queens are paraded through the streets of Rome. Yeah. She's like, you're never going to do that to me. Okay. I'm not having that. I'd rather die.

I'd rather die here. So. At this point, they're both fucked, though. They're fucked. Augustus has won. The Battle of Actin was decisive. So, in the spring of 30 BC, Augustus invades Egypt,

and eventually Mark Anthony Finner's Navy and cavalry surrender. Cleopatra withdraws to her mausoleum in Alexandria, she barricades herself inside a massive sort of treasure chest. It would be nice to have a mausoleum to withdraw too. Yes. That feels like quite like a privileged place. I'd like to be in a mausoleum.

Just have somewhere you can withdraw to though if all shit hits the fan. Man Cave. Yeah, I guess so. I should call my out, the little shed of mausoleum actually. How's your, how's your shed coming along? It's great. What are you got in there? Got a space heater.

Okay. Got a second screen. Oh, is that where you work now? Yeah. What about your, um, officer? on the second floor. That's a spare room. Spare room.

But your main office is the shed. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. You need some separation from the house. Because it means I can see through the window and the shed into the back of the house. I can see everyone screaming, but I can't hear them. So I'm like, brilliant. Yeah.

Auschwitz guard. Genuinely. It's, um, what's that film called? Zone of interest. Yeah. I've, zone of interest in my own house. Because if you can hear the screams, there's a physiological reaction that a parent has to their child screaming where you can't concentrate

anything else until that gets solved. But if I can just see them, I'm like that. It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. Could be anyone.

The smoke coming out of the house and like that. It's fine. It's fine. God. You know what? My favorite scene in that film, I don't think they meant it

to be this funny. I mean, it's probably not. It's not a funny film. There's a scene where they're by the river, the wife and the husband at the Auschwark. And she's saying, he's like, we have to move house.

She's like, but we live in Auschwitz. it's on dream home. She generally says that line and I'm like, I'm there being like, fuck him, hell. How have you bagged this woman? This is so funny.

What a woman? What a fine this is? She's saying, I don't want to leave. They don't make women like that anymore. Like me, they don't live. If I, thank God I'm married already

because I, you know, how do you find that woman on Tinder? Where do you want to live? Auschwitz. Amazing. I was thinking actually, you know how. Oshitz now, though.

just like got a gift shop there's a cab shop opposite Auschwitz Is it? People, whenever it's Holocaust Memorial Day Go cab shop opposite Auschwitz Which I think it's today actually Is it?

Holocaust Memorial Day as we record But there's no Holocaust denial memorial Day Is there? There's a kebab stand next to Auschwitz Yeah, there you go We're looking at the video now

There's a TikTok of a cabab shop But to be honest I guess it's hard to build Whatever you put there People are going to be like that's tasteless. Yeah. And you go, well,

add some garlic sauce. It must be very cheap land by Auschwitz. Cheap land. Yeah, that's like a cheap place to build. Location, location, location. Right for development. It is. Developers dream.

Build a hotel. Whatever you build there. Go hotel by Mecca. So Saudi have built the biggest hotel in the world, overlooking Mecca. Have they? Maybe they should do that overlooking at Auschwitz. Look, Hotel by Mecca.

Look at this. So you can see from the room, you can get a hodge. You can get a room with a hodge view. Isn't that like cheating? Like, you know, if you move near Bremford, you can see the game? Well, it's more just haj, so you can, more people can go on hage. Room with the Hage view? Yeah.

Yeah. So, and Saudi obviously putting the money up. But, like, it's massive. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. So I think they should do one of those over Auschwitz. Yeah.

For tourists. Sure. But I guess the, everyone's doing their hage. But I guess it's, it's very hard real estate, isn't it? The bit opposite Auschwitz. whatever you do, people are going to be like, don't build that there. Paintball, great for a paintball course. Auschwitz would be great for a paintball course.

I mean, it would, but... But when... Can they do that on the off days? Monday Tuesday? Is it close on Sundays? I don't know. Is it open every day? It was at its peak, I guess. Yeah.

Not to the public, though. Why are we talking about Auschwitz? You could do a go ape. Put a go ape there. Yeah. Zip line. Yeah. Again,

again, whatever you do opposite it, it's just not going to... But I think if you're trying to justify a zip line saying, well, whatever it's going to be a... Whatever I do.

Look, it might as well be a theme park. It might as well be a theme park because whatever we do, you're going to say it's wrong. So why don't we have fun? Yeah, so I don't know where next to open a bawley baller son.

So I don't know why... All right, there's a bowling alley. Whatever, you know? Whatever we do, you're going to complain about it. You know? You're not going to get us planning permission for anything,

so we're just going to build it. Searchlight Pictures presents in the blink of an eye on Hulu on Disney Plus, a sweeping science fiction drama spanning the Stone Age, the present day, and the distant future, about the essence of what it means to be human, regardless of our place in history. The film is directed by Oscar-winning filmmaker Andrew Stanton and stars Rashida Jones, Kate McKinnon, and David Diggs. Stream in the blink of an eye now only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Sign up at Disneyplus.com. Are you tired of starting your day with pointless political arguments, superficial summaries and lukewarm hot takes on the radio?

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Cleopatra withdraws to her mausoleum. Yeah. She sends a message to Mark Anthony Fitness, telling him that she has committed suicide. And when Mark Anthony Fitness finds this out, he's devastated. Yeah, he's devoured. That was my world.

that girl was my world so he asks his servant who's called Eros to kill him but Eros refuses then kills himself which is very funny and very loyal. Does he do that immediately? No I'm going to kill myself yeah well fuck

well then fuck what else man I meant to do so then Anthony Mark Anthony Fitness tries to kill himself but ironically he's not strong enough to properly kill himself so he just sort of stabs himself a bit and then his servants are like oh shit and they take him to

Cleopatra's Mausoleum and then But Cleopatra's dead? No She said that she's dead But I don't know why she's done this So this is where Shakespeare gets the whole Romeo and Juliet Yeah that's what I was thinking Yeah Yeah so then

And the scene in Ante and Cleopatra I imagine it's relatively similar to the scene Romeo Juliet when he wrote both plates Right I haven't seen Ante and Kilpatian Hewaparte both plates What did you say? He what both plates

What did you just say Finn's hung up? agree. Starving. He wrote the play Anthony and Cleopatra, right? Wrote the play. Right.

He said roped the plate. Because Cleopatra hauls Anthony up by ropes because he's dying. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, what, you're still alive?

And then she was like, yeah. Yeah, I guess they did. I didn't put two and two and two together that he got this inspired Roman Juliet was inspired by this. But also, I think what does get written out of this

is that, Anthony's servant just killed himself and he really didn't have to. I mean, I know Anthony ends up dying but that, I mean, that guy is just like... He might have wanted to go anyway though. He's probably looking down and being like, fuck, say.

Are you kidding? He's alive and she's alive and I'm dead. So then Anthony dies in Cleopatra's arms. Yeah, and then... Cleopatra's devoid. Yeah, and then Octavian's general Proculius enters Cleopatra's tomb,

detains her so that she can't destroy all her wealth. Because that's why she retreated There's more to them to, like, set fire to all, so the Romans couldn't have it. So he then captures Cleopatra's children. Cleopatra declares that she would not be led and trium to Rome, as always she'd said that. So she chooses to commit suicide. And the rumors are that she gets an asp bite, which is a snake.

Is it an adder? It's quite a thin snake. It's quite a little snake. But how do you get the snake to bite you? Do you just, like, hold your hand out? Or do you just like poke it a bit? Flick it? Flick it?

Charlie's got a photo up of her. her getting a tit out and getting a snake on her tear. Is that how she did it? Because you can milk snakes, can you? Can you milk snakes? No, you can get their poison from their mouth. Yeah, you milk a snake. Do you milk snakes?

Well, no, because there's no milk. No, but it's called to milk. Yeah, they're milked. Venom snakes and milk by professionals to extract venom from their fangs. Right, so maybe that's what she did. She milked a snake and then rubs it on her gums or something. But certainly the mythic view is that she lets a snake crawl up and it bites her. Because she's always got a snake is a symbol of Egypt.

She's always got a snake on her. Is it sexy? I don't like snakes. Yeah, it's sexy. You think snakes are sexy? Yeah, it's kind of gothny. Yeah, I don't, I'm not into it. Yeah, she's a got bad.

Tiger, uh, what's that place called? Tiger Lily? Yeah, it's like Tiger Lily or the place in Camden. Torture Gardens, didn't you? Isn't that a sex club? Yeah, it is, yeah. I think when I'm, when I'm having sex, there's nothing I'm thinking less about it than snakes. Right.

Snakes and the, uh, and Christian Orthodox churches. right they just don't come into my head not once not even when you're trying not to bus cybertron it's actually quite a good way trying not to bus actually is a Christian Orthodox priest so Cleopatra Cleopatra Cleopatra kills herself rather than be

humiliated in a Roman spectacle so Cleopatra's son Caesaree on gets killed as well that's a shame which is a shame because it was Julius Caesar and Cleopatra's son he had a lot of lineage and so Octavian consolidates the power

which then means Egypt becomes a Roman province which marks the end of the Hellenistic period which is the Alexander the Great Pharaohs and then in 27 BC Octavian gets formally recognised as Augustus which becomes the first Roman emperor and the beginning of beginning of Caligula Nero that whole line

So this whole story actually is like Rogue 1 It's the prequel to all this ship Roman em and the sort of yeah It's the hinge, it's a door hinge of history It's what I mean there's 100 years of history like 50 BC to 50 AD Yeah

That's like As you say the Avengers That's the Star Wars Jesus Jesus is about Yeah In this story King Herod is around

Yeah So that's who Cleopatra is really And so Mark Antony And Cleopatra are like Their Death Star Roman Empress I didn't know any of this The geopolitics of it all are actually quite fascinating

Yeah And so her legacy Is that She uses relationships and her female power to run a country and to curry favor and maybe she's the exemplar of that, I guess?

For sure. She's the most famous woman in history. Deservedly so. Probably. I think so. I mean... Does that should break the top ten? 100%. 100%.

What? 100%. 100%. We're referencing a clip that you should watch, which is where an old... It's an interview with a German man and he's asked if

Hitler was his hero. And then he leans over and he has his big hand like that and his big ears. You assume that he's going to hear it and go, no, not at all. But he hears it better than anyone's ever heard a question ever. And immediately goes, 100% with a tear running down. 100%. Hitler's my hero. Yeah.

100%. So I've been saying it a lot now. Anyway, the top 10 famous women, you've got Margaret Thatcher, Liz Truss, Cleopatra, Florence Nightingale. Do a lipper. Doolieper That's it It's probably it

Amelia Air Crash Amelia Air Crash A Malala Um Mother Teresa sort of Nah Hillary Clinton Joan of Arc

I don't actually be No Joan of Arc can piss off Pankhurst She wore trousers She was a bloke Yeah Asa Acera Kira Asrara Lisa Ann

And Bevo's mum That's the top ten That's the top ten probably. So should we talk about Cleopatra's legacy? I get, please. Please. What does Cleopatra mean to you? Well, I think there was that,

it goes in circles the Egyptian craze, right, in culture. Like in the 20s, that Art Deco period, everyone was doing. Howard Carter, yeah. Doing all that shit. It feels like we're maybe due another round of it, because it's been a while since, like, Egypt shit's been, fivey. is viby, but it's more the Graham Hancock

like lost civilization. That's where we're at now. That's our relationship now is aliens did it all. Yeah. And just kind of make it all spacey and stuff. Yeah. But I think aesthetically we could be maybe we might just be reaching a time where it can come back into fashion because it seems to always throughout the whole

of history go on a cycle. And of course, as we found out in the General Gordon series, the fattest woman that's ever lived was Egyptian. So... A Cleopatra in her own way. What do you mean? Teopatra. Yeah.

Cleofatra. Cleofatra. Yeah. Using her body as power. Now, a very different form of power. True. I mean, horse power.

Pulling herself into the annals of history against all odds. Having to have a wall knock through so she could go for India for life-saving surgery. You know, Egypt is full of powerful women.

Be they dazzling queens or the fattest woman that's ever lived. Or are you looking at how Egypt has fallen from Cleopatra to the fatest woman? of Cleopatra to Cleopatra The story of Egypt

Through the ages What was her name? Charlie What was the fattest woman in Egypt called? Iman Ahmed Abdelati Amman I'man you be fucking fat Amid Ibn fat Eman Ahmed Ahmed Abdel Ali

How long did she live She was 500 kilograms She died at 37 That's real Now how old was Cleopatra When she died? Did Cleopatra live longer than Cleopatra?

This would be a huge win for the body positive community. Huge. How old... How old is she when she dies? I need to know. She was 39. Just.

They're similar ages. Close run thing though. My God. How much did Cleopatra weigh? Trying to find out. How many bags of sand was Cleopatra? About a five foot tall. Let's say the average weight

of a five foot lady in ancient Egypt. How much did Elizabeth Taylor weigh when she played Cleopatra? Someone's got to have that staff. somewhere. 180 pounds. Brilliant.

Okay, fine, 180 pounds. That was, that was her height. Fuck, it doesn't say. 120 pounds. It does not say. 120 pounds. So about four Cleopatra's. No, what's Keogne?

Because that's in kilos. Oh, Kelo's. So she's about 10 or 11 Cleopatra's. So sorry, Cleopatra is 10 Cleopatra. One thousand hundred pounds divided by 120. Yeah. Nine. That's nine clear patras.

Yeah, nine point two clear fatures. So really her true legacy, is that she started a civilization that today... It's a snowball effect. It is a snowball effect. Cleopatra began rolling. Rolled down the Nile. And 2,000 years later, we get Cleofatra.

And that's Egypt. That's Egypt. That's Egypt. In a nutshell. In a nutshell. Ladies and gentlemen, brackets mainly gentlemen, that we've reached the end of Cleopatra. If you would like more,

more. We will be digging into mummies. We'll be uncovering. That's not the person you live with. That's the process of mummification. We're going to be Howard Cartering into some pumpum on the Patreon. We're getting mummies. We're going to be opening a tomb that hasn't been opened for 4,000 years.

Yes. That's him going down on his wife. We are going to be looking at Egyptian mythology. That's on the Patreon where you get instant access to episodes. And for just £3 a month, and it is £3 a month, you just have to do it on the website, not the Apple Store, because the Apple store charges you $1.50 We don't see any of that.

We don't want that. We don't want that. We set it at £3 deliberately. You people are poor. Yeah. You know, we want to meet you halfway. Right. You know?

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The embodiment of liver The inevitable livers The sight of inevitable livers And I mean some of the patrons we did Last week about Caitlin Jenner And Oscar Bisturus were phenomenal The best patrons we've done The best patrons I've had is the Caitlin and Jenna one I think

Anyway we'll see you at the patron But if not we'll see you next week for a brand new topic This has been Cleopatra Good night Goodbye