Fin vs History - Has There Ever Been A Better Advert For Anusol? | The Battle of Waterloo (9/10)

Episode Date: September 28, 2026

Piles and pigs, the two things you didn't know you needed for warfare. The Napoleonic Wars (Part Nine) This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.     Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at ⁠https://surfshark.com/fvh⁠    The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon  ⁠⁠patreon.com/fintaylor⁠  Chapters: 00:00 - Horses, Onions 05:42 - You Had One Job 10:04 - Charlie’s Friend 13:48 - Carjitsu  15:38 - Tough Not Effective  20:49 - Grouchy Is Grumpy 23:12 - Wade In The Water  28:03 - The War Pigs 34:21 - What You On About?  39:25 - Sucks To Be You!  42:35 - Warxiety  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My reg league goalie says he plays for the love of the game. You gave up six goals last week, Steve? Maybe play to win, huh? Like with Bet365, I get paid the second my team goes up big with early payout and can cash out at any time before the game ends. Steve, Bet365, the home of winning early. Must be 19 and older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca or call 1866-5-3-1-2,600. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome back to Finn versus history. Horatio Gould's here. Hello. And it's the Battle of Waterloo, the greatest battle of all time.

The Battle of Battles. The Battle of Battles. The Club World Cup of Battles. Yeah. This does not get any better than this. Cole Palmer's involved. Carl Palmer was at Waterloo famously. That's why he speaks like that.

Yes. Because the injury sustained. The injury sustained to his brain when he fell off a horse is why Col Palmer speaks like that. This dad's... If you've been with us the whole way, I don't know how you're going to cope going into normal life after the series ends. This is almost granddad stuff. This is the dad of dads.

This is the dad of the dad-dads. This is your dad's dad. This is your granddad. How are you going to re-enter normal life after you've been in the Napoleonic Wars for a month? Ten episodes. And now you know that when you get that sad train into Waterloo State, you're going to Waterloo State. you know why it's called that now because of this battle

we needed a name for a station for the saddest franchise of British trains Southwest Rail. Yes. It is the most depressing franchise everyone on those trains looks like they want to kill themselves. Where are you going on Southwestern Rail?

We should replace wherever Chertsey with Belsom and just give them a break. They all want to die on those trains. Restart the camps for the future. franchise.

For commuters. For commuters. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I think it is the most... That's a compassionate Holocaust. Yes.

Right. Holocaust is the wrong word for it. Yeah. Jollicost. Jolly cost. The Jolokorst. Horatio Gould. Circus.

The JollyCost. His words, The Jolly Cors. And in many ways, Waterloo is a jolly cost. Yes, it is. Because it's a bloodthirsty battle. But it's glorious.

Fuck me. It's good reading. Yeah. My God. Has a battle ever been more glorious than this? No, I really don't think there has. And it's after this that, you know, this is where we start,

all Britain and London sense of itself comes from Waterloo, basically. Yeah. The architecture. The victory monuments, for sure. So now, we left off... Sorry, World War II, part of the reason why we love World War II is because it has such a satisfying narrative, right?

And Napoleon at Wars, which I wouldn't posit as being more interested the World War II, I would never say that, but it is underrated and it has a very satisfying narrative and this is, as the culmination of all these years, it is sort of the perfect ending. Yes, World War II's ending is slightly too frantic, whereas this is a, I mean, it's like, ah, yeah, oh no, it's more like, and then he woke up sort of, you know, you're writing a, yeah, when you're writing a story, something you're taught early on is, don't end it. It was all a dream because it's too easy. And it's kind of like that when you're like...

Night night. In our last episode, Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Leipzig. He then fought a fantastic rearguard action. Yes. Because he's French and they're the gay side. And then he was sent into exile in Elba.

He was cucked while he was there because he's cucked wherever he goes. And he has now escaped exile. You take the cuck out of France. You can't take it the cuckoldry out of the French Thank you. You've nailed it. Say it again. You can take the cuck out of France, but you can't take the cuckoldry out of the Frenchman.

And also the jolly cost. Two huge ghoulisms early on the episode. So, Napoleon is on the march through the south of France. My mother's born in Cuckfield, by the way. Yes, Cuckfield. There's a great antiques fair near Cuckfield called Arding Lye. But we're getting sidetracks. We're very much getting sidetracks.

This is, look, men have had 10 ways. They've had eight wanks in a day. It's red raw. And they're now like, no, please stop. What do you mean a ninth? Well, we're giving it to you fellas. The moisturiser has run out. Yeah?

And they look. We're going to have to do it dry. There's no more spit left. I'm going to have to beat Wellington myself. We're going to have to shit on my own cock and then... The last episode was such filth. It's all been filth. We've gone straight back in.

Right. Napoleon is coming back from exile. 20th of March, 1815. One year after the Allied armies have marched into Paris, Napoleon rides back without a single shot being fired. How does he do this? What? We already covered that.

We covered that. Horses. Horses. Horses, onions, you know the drill. He's fast because he just is. That's the key thing about Napoleon. Because he is. He's fast because he is.

onions, horses. The three tenets of Napoleon's victories. Now, Louis the 18th, the fattest king France had had. Fat pig. Fat pig, that was his words. He declared two days before Napoleon comes into Paris, I would rather die defending my throne than flee like a coward.

48 hours later, he's on the boat. He's back. He says that to huge cheers. He's sat on a throne where his feet don't even touch the ground. Bo, bo, whoa. And yeah, 48 hours. He's flee. suggest I'd run away.

Yeah. Fucking two days later. He's been rolled away. Rolled away. Now, very quickly, Napoleon knows that he's come back and then I'm going to like this. Yeah. Right. So he immediately forms an even more rag-tag army.

Oh, no. What? No, it just sounds like I was reacting to what you said. You can't do that when you're the producer because it sounds like none of the cameras are on. That was such a visceral, oh no. Yeah. That was, I've lost my job. Oh, no.

And also, when have you ever reacted? to the story that's episode 9, he's never reacted. It's exciting. You only just found out Napoleon was French. Yeah,

and you thought he died because loads of rabbits attacked him. Remember? Is that how he died? Yeah. Fuck hell. How did he get away with that,

though? What? How did he get away with the rabbits? I imagine it was not a lethal amount of rabbit attack. I think he just gunned them all down. He's massked them.

They've all got maximatosis now. Do you know that? What? Mixomatosis. It's like a unique disease only that, I know. I know. What's your point?

They've all got it now, apparently. Rabbits. Yeah, we artificially introduced it into the wild to curl populations, but it's got out of hand. So, while Napoleon sweeps into power maneuvering like no one else in history, I think we are kind of the opposite of that, where every single hurdle we fall over.

This is World War I. This podcast is World War I. We're trying to advance, and then we just push back to the trench. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Yeah. So this is their ninth wank of the day. They're having to do it dry. We cannot start talking about mixing of motone. this. Come on. Come on. Come on.

So, Napoleon reclaims Paris. Immediately a 12-nation coalition, the seventh coalition. Nick Clegg's coalition declares war on Napoleon, not France, on Napoleon. Yes. Okay. You fucked it. You've had seven

chances. No more. They have, to be fair, they're giving him a lot of chances. Fool me once. Fool me twice. Fool me seven times. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you still here? We gave you a model village off the coast of Italy. Meanwhile, the British man

who'd be mean, he must be thinking of. Fuck. I mean, that's sort of the definition of you had one job. Yeah, it is. And he was too busy, Beef Wellington, his his Italian girlfriend. So, France is rearming, but we all know the strategy by now, okay?

The strategy is we need to strike at the Allies before they can amass and unify. That's the classic. The Congress of Vienna, 1815, they declare Napoleon an enemy and a disturbate of the peace of the world. Yeah, if you're attacking a polycule, you've got to sow seeds of discontent. Yes. You've got to attack them individually. You cannot deal with them as a group.

She's your least favourite. Start sowing discord amongst the polycule. That's the problem with a pollicle is that it's too many troops to defend. Right. You know, you're oversized. Yes. You're going to get outflanked. Yes.

You're rear. as nimble. Your couple can defend its own rear, as we said, back to back in bed. A miserable married couple could defend its rear. No one's getting bummed.

No one's getting bummed. You know? This episode of Finnverse History is brought to you by Surf Shark. Guys, look, you've heard it from us before. Yeah. No homo.

I love Surf Shark. Yeah, that's fair enough. He said it. He said no, homo, no homo, I'm gay. No homo. I want to go down on Surf Shark. Because public Wi-Fi is dangerous.

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you need Surf Shark to act as prep for your online proclivities. Your dutty hole. Dutty hole is another way of saying it. Thank you. Please secure your digital life. I am sick of people coming up to me complaining that they are. They always come up to you. My digital life's insecure.

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I said it. VPNs are cool. Yeah, all the kids hanging out at the skate park. What are they talking about? They're talking about VPN. I got a special belt for my VPN. I carry around.

I go, I'll hate kids. Look at this. And they can't believe it. They're like, whoa. Fuck, that's cool. Well, can I show your hand? Akingly cool from Finn Taylor.

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Don't let these online threats catch you off guard. Our fantasy commission says for him it's all about the friendships. Cute, Kevin, but I disagree. Like with Bet365. I get paid the second my team goes up big with early payout and can cash out at any time before the game ends. No hard feelings, Kevin. Just faster payouts from Bet365.

The home of winning early. Must be 19 and older. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. Or call 1866 5 through 1,2600. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Kourulean Indians.

Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow. This is, I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the screen rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby.

So listen to the Scree Rock Podcasts, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. But a polycule is vulnerable to being outflanked. Now, just one of the many reasons I'm not in the polycule. Is that someone's bum is at stake. The Congress of Vienna, the Allies are, this time, you know, the eighth time lucky, we're going to get him. okay now this is

Britain, Austria, Russia and Prussia and a bunch of other Italian and German fucking states England, England

England and England of course Austria and Austria now because the monics were quite bored during this Congress of Vienna the Austrians hosted

hunts in Imperial Parks they slaughtered over 10,000 animals it did shock me hearing this I don't quite so yeah they funneled animals

to be in front of like a cricket pavilion where they were just sat outside drinking. Yeah. 10,000 does seem a lot. Yeah.

Have you ever killed an animal? A mammal? A proper mammal. Yeah, I moved a deer off a road, and as it, as I moved it, it's neck broke, and I sort of felt it die. What did you want from that? What did you want for that question, Charlie?

What did you want from that question? I don't know. I didn't think you had that in you. My friend Nelson drowned a pig. What? Go on. I'll bite. How?

It's just a minute, you know, six words, and I don't predict any of them, you know? Even the fact he's called Nelson. My friend Nelson drowned a pig. Why? I think it was a run and he had to drown it in a big bucket. Yeah, that's a, it was your farmer? No.

It's just the thing you expect. Right. So why is your friend Nelson drowning a pig in a bucket? I never found out why. Yeah, don't follow up. I know it was a weak pig. Oh, it was weak, fine. But he did feel like the sort of guy that would have done that.

He did have it in him. It made complete sense that he had done that. Right. But he wasn't a farmer. No. No. He lived in the city. Wow.

A man in the city drowning a pig. That's suspicious. If you ask me, if you ask me, that's a cause for concern. If a city dwelling man is drowning a pig in a bucket. Something's not right there. Something's not right there. Was he wearing a barber jacket? Well, he did it.

I think he might have been topless. Okay. Well, now it just feels like there's something very horny going on there. Okay. Anyway, so the Congress comes to a halt when news reached. is that Napoleon is marching on Paris. So they all go, oh, fuck it. Again. How have we let this happen? How have we let this happen for an

eighth time? Where's Nick Clegg? Get him in. And so begins the hundred days, okay, which is actually 100. I don't know how I'm actually 111 days. But there's no time for hum actuallys. It's a ninth wank of the day. This is between the 20th of March and 22nd of June 1815. Okay. This is where it's a montage. There are factories making muskets. There are a young boys of bum flustered. putting big hats on. Horses are being seized from farms.

Retired veterans are forced to re-enlist. An old woman gets pushed to the canal. It's unrelated to the montage. It's too busy, we're busy. Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know why it's in there. Not another one. Conscription is scraping the already very thin barrel

of young men in France. Now, so it means the standards that you have to have to get into the army are very low. However, because during the French Revolution, consensual sex between adult men was decriminalized. France was one of the few European countries where homosexuals were homosexuals basically they're like we've killed all the straits.

We're down to the gaze. Get the gaze in for Waterloo. But if you want someone to do a rearguard attack, well this is why Waterloo is so exciting because the French are down to their gaze and who are they facing, but the straightest one has ever been. And so Wellington, at the eve of Waterloo, he looks out and he sees the friend

and he thinks, my God, they're coming from my rear. It might finally happen. It might finally happen. My God, I will not be bummed by a Frenchman. That morning he apologised to God.

I'll try everything. What have I done? What have I done? I know I made a fatal mistake shitting on that woman's fan of us. But my point, Montgomery, Monty's broadside

against the homosexuality being decriminalised in the 60s as a thing that would a French do I think it comes from 18th century decriminalisation in the French Revolution because the yeah the history of homosexuality

in France being legal is quite an old and venerable one A Napoleon gathers a rag-tag bunch of guys and the seventh coalition it's like fuck he's down to the gay ones you've got to stop this right now this is the greatest military alliance

Europe had yet assembled One million soldiers in total. You've got to remember this is 1815. Yeah. Okay, so a million is a lot in 1815. Now, we should place 1815. We should. After the Renaissance.

Yes. And it is before Renaissance Fair. Is that when people start going to Renaissance themed events? Yeah. Well, sort of is what, it's any sort of, It's a historical theme park in America, but they just call it all Renaissance because they're thick. Right, okay, fine.

Because after the first rent fare, which I believe was in the 70s, I was watching to talk about the guy who did it. What was that? It's car jitsu. It's before car jitsu. Before car jitsu, thank you. Is that people, they start in the seatbelts and they have to do jizzitsu in a car? This is literally Napoleon trying to get a Wellington's ass.

It is. This is live footage from the Battle of Waterloo. Wellington is fighting a deep rearguard action. Wellington's in red, as you can see there. And, yeah, it's a seismic battle. Anyway, the Congress of Vienna establishes there will be no negotiation. This is all out war on Napoleon.

All on him. Okay. So if I was Napoleon, I'd feel quite personally attacked. Yes, I will. I think there's a character assassination going on here. All right, please, you're ganging up on me. Yeah. Now, they knew, by this point, you know,

this is post-Trakenberg plan. they knew that if they waited if they waited then Napoleon would just pick them off Napoleon knows that if he waits then they're all going to go up in him yeah they Napoleon says every sunrise is a victory for the enemy

yeah because he's French and he speaks and poetry all that nonsense anyway so Napoleon just starts gets his boys gets his and they just start trotting north into Belgium all right because there are two main armies that are in Belgium at this point.

Wellington, with a, say, a third of his force of British, the rest of Dutch and, I don't know, Belgian. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. Dutch. Russians. Maybe they're Russians.

Anyway. And then Blucher, who is the Prussian. And these are the two forces that are basically the poland is going for. He's going to try and knock them out one by one. Now, on the 15th of June, Wellington, you know, conservative that is hosting the Duchess of Richmond's Ball, which is high society, allied officers, they're gathered in Brussels for a lavish gala. Dispatches arrive mid-dance, revealing that Napoleon has crossed the river into Belgium. Wellington says to his staff, Napoleon has humbugged me, by God. Christ, so that's the first time he's uttered a swear word.

Exactly. This is humbugging, a terrible crime. Okay. Humbugging is to force a straight man onto his face and to try and enter his rear. So officers immediately are running away from the dance floor, marching straight to the front lines while still dressed in velvet coats and silk slippers. Okay? So we're on the back foot.

16th of June, 1815, the Battle of Liny. Napoleon attacks Blucher at Linyi and this is Napoleon's final victory. So he's still picking up victories. Still picking up victories because one-on-one, he's very good. So let's talk about Bluquer. Yes. Because he is a key character in the story. Blu-Ker.

Blu-Ker. Well, he's a Prussian. He's a Prussian. And his many ways, his battlefield victories do so the ground, which eventually will reach Hitler, right? The Prussians, right? But he's 72 years old. He's a tough old bean,

but he seems to be pretty crap whenever he, tactically, right? Do you do anything of any good? Because even at Leipzig, which he ends up being successful at, he fucks up his cavalry charge. Yes, he does. But he's a 72-year-old man who is perhaps slightly insane at this point. Yes, he is. He sort of Joe Biden kind of...

Sleepy Joe on a horse. He thinks, he believed he had been impregnated by a French soldier and was going to give birth to an elephant. Yeah. Okay. This is the kind of guy that Tucker Carlson is interviewing. Yes. Now, he leads a desperate cavalry charge at the climax of Lini.

his horse gets shot out from under him he's pinned to the ground he only survives because a soldier throws a cloak over him so the French don't recognise him but the Prussians retreat So he's tough but he's not effective No

His main asset seems to be That he doesn't give up basically Yes he now the Prussians retreat Napoleon defeats the Metlini Now this is very important Okay Napoleon says to 20,000 of his troops under field marshal grouchy

that's what is called can you go and follow the Prussians and field marshal grouchy's like oh yeah yeah do I have to do that and so grouchy thinks he's going to just move

just follow Prussians into back over the Rhine however Napoleon underestimates Pluco because he thinks he's the Prussians are cowards and will retreat basically Yes.

To the safety of Germany. Now, he then, Napoleon, then moves on to, no, it's not this Napoleon. It's Marshall Ney. Ney. Ney. Marshal Ney then invades Wellington's, or attacks Wellington's forces at Utreba or Catrabah. Catra. Catrebra.

A Vicer Belgian crossroads. If you can picture such a thing. Wellington basically holds them off decently but then retreats back to a field and a series of farms that the year before he had been travelling and thought he'd been walking the ground

before it was hallowed right thinking that's a great general there if you pre-walk the ground of history I mean that's the truth well that's a real ace up your sleeve if you can walk the ground before the ground has been walked I mean you're going to win the battle haven't you?

So Wellington basically was just sort of nosy, right? He was looking for battlefields and he spots this place with a gentle incline where he goes

this would be a very good place for a battle because I could whip out my reverse slope tactics. So he is a dad on holiday but he is actually a commander as opposed to most dads who work in accounting.

Yes. So it's a dad on holiday in Belgium. This would be a good place for battle. This would be a very good tactical place for a battle. And what they're saying that about

is they're saying that about like a concourse and a shopping centre. They're going, I could shoot them from M&S there. I'll take cover behind the escalator and I'll take out TK Max

that'll be easy because they're idiots. So what's interesting about this is this is actually practical application of something that all men do. All they're doing this anyway. They're doing this anyway,

you know. You're going to a shopping centre going, how would I kill everyone in this? Yeah. Yeah. You know, don't push me into doing it. Sure. So Wellington realising, that this gentle slope

would be a great way to conceal his army on the rear side yeah but his army's up his leave his rear exactly always protecting his rear

so that he could surprise Napoleon with his number of forces so let's get in to the topography of Waterloo so this is this is Wellington's view with this because this is quite a tactical innovation

because he's not showing off but it is it's the straight male ass you make it as small. more than irrelevant as possible. Of all of the sexual precurities and gender combinations, the straight man has the least celebrated arse. But then there are some of us straight men who have been blessed slash curse

with an incredibly juicy ass. You might need to hide that behind a ridge. Exactly. Every day I'm fighting my own Waterloo. I need to find a ridge to hide my ass behind. Okay. So he retreats after Kachabra to Waterloo.

to Lou and Napoleon advances and now Wellington does not know at this point whether he's going to make a stand But then he gets a message at night from Bluja 72 year old man with broken ribs okay, who's just been trampled by a horse He thinks about to give birth to an elephant Oh Right He has he says to Wellington much as Blair said to Bush in 2001 we will be with you no matter what.

Right, yeah. Shoulder to shoulder. He says that he, if he makes a stand at Waterloo, the Prussians will arrive to help. He, I don't really quite know how Grouchy loses the Prussians, but at some point...

Yeah, I don't get that either. Yeah. I think Grouchy's very grumpy and doesn't want to... He's just not like the job he's been given. Anyway, the fatal miscalculation is that Napoleon doesn't,

think the Prussians are coming. Right. So, we get to dawn on the 18th of June, 1815. This is after the Renaissance. It's before carjitsu. Two allied armies converge on this position. There are three isolated farm complexes. Ladies, what are you doing here?

Wellington has concealed his infiltry lines behind the slope, okay? But this is driving Napoleon nuts. He's fucking thirsty. It's like, what ass is behind that hill? There's got to be an ass there. There's got to be an ass. It could be show, Jesus. Yeah.

You know, and all his gay troops are like, where, you know. There are three isolated farms. Wellington has hidden his troops behind the slope. Okay, facing Napoleon. Now, on Wellington's right flank, Napoleon's left, is the farm at Hugamont. The most famous of the three, right? This is the most famous one. This is a walled chateau.

founded by orchards and thick woodland. What Wellington has done, much as he learned in Spain, is he has made that fucking impenetrable. He has fortified that with 1,200 British men. Maybe they're Scottish. I don't know.

There's got scars there. And this is a real precursor to Rourke's drift. This is why I love this so much. Sorry, just turning to a black woman there just by accident. That wasn't he? I just went, But this is...

I wasn't trying to do that on purpose. It came out of things. It's Waterloo, brother. Let it out. Let the spirit out. This is what the dads are doing in the shed. Yes, Lord. Wade in the Waterloo.

So, Hugamon is basically rocks drift. Now, it is... Ugumon. Wegamon. Weigamon. Now, it has been raining. Okay. This is very crucial as well.

there's been torrential rain so the battlefield is very muddy so Napoleon thinks well because I'm attacking I'm going to wait a few hours for the ground to dry again giving away crucial time for potential reinforcements to arrive

every hour delay it's a benefit to Wellington wellington will spend maybe 48 hours out of like 55 on a horse Napoleon can't sit on his horse

because, devastatingly, he has piles. Okay? This is potentially the most impactful piles has ever been. I think Waterloo is Piles'

greatest peak in history. Has Piles ever been? More decisive. More decisive. Right. Now, what you don't want is decisive piles. Now, I am very lucky,

touch wood, I've never had piles. You will. You will have piles. You eat like a dog. Do you understand, um, do you understand,

um, do you understand, And why that's so devastating? Can you relate? Explain the experience of it. Well, sitting down on a cushioned surface with piles is uncomfortable at best. At best. If you're on a hard chair, the kinds they would have had in the 19th century, that would be actively painful.

Excruciating. If you're riding a fucking horse, night night, sirenara. Yeah. What about, what's those exercise balls you can bounce on? You know, the ones we could. Exactly. Spacehopper? Spacehoppers?

The ones you sit and bounce like that. Pregnant women sit. Well, if I was Napoleon, because a huge, yeah, well, there's the ones you can hold that as kids with the handles. What are they called, Charlie? Pregnant women sit on them. Yes, exactly. I think the problem is, is that Napoleon needed to be on his horse checking his flank,

you know, and instead he was lying down. He couldn't get on his horse, but he should have been using a space hopper. He should have been using his piles. Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? No, I mean, is it something soft and bouncy to travel with. No, that's still. would be very painful with piles.

Okay, well, maybe if his piles got big enough, he could use those. That's what I mean. If his piles were big enough, then he could have space hopped around on his piles surveying the sea. What I will say is that I've never had decisive piles. Yes.

I've always, thankfully, had incidental piles where the piles are discomfort, but they're not deciding the course of my day. Or history. Or slash world events. You know, there is not, Houston isn't called that because of my piles. you know?

That's how to decide. Really, it should be called Pile Station. Yeah. Okay, because also everyone on those trains has piles and they're sad. Yeah. Right. Napoleon can't sit in his horse because of his hemorrhoids and it's muddy.

Now, at 11.30am, the fighting starts. Napoleon sends his brother Jerome, Hey man, to attack the farm at Hugamont to try and weaken Wellington Centre. Right. Our fantasy commission says for him it's all about the friendships.

Cute, Kevin, but I disagree. Like with Bet365. I get paid the second my team goes up big with early payout and can cash out at any time before the game ends. No hard feelings, Kevin. Just faster payouts from Bet365. The home of winning early. Must be 19 and older.

Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit Connectsontario.ca. Or call 1866 5 through 1,2600.600. Terms and conditions apply. When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere,

and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to Westjetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The bunker has got you covered. Every Monday we really start your week

where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days and then on Fridays we have our weekly wrap-up where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. So he thinks Wellington will pull his reserves to fortify Hugermont.

Yeah. Right? And then I will have weakened his centre and I can thrust my centre. However, he does. know how strong Wellington Centre is because he's hidden it behind a slope. Yeah. Okay.

Now, the fighting at Hugamon quite quickly becomes insane. Yeah. Because the Brits do not give this up. They rocks drift it. Yeah. Okay. It becomes over the course of the day a 14,000 man death trap. The ultimate redoubt.

This is the ultimate redoubt. There is a point where the French end up sending in a fucking massive guy called L'Enforser. A berserker. a berserker with an axe. He breaks down the gates of the farmhouse, about 40 Frenchmen pile in, but then the British guardsman managed to shut the gates,

lock it again, and then they just all kill all the French that had got through, apart from maybe like a little drummer boy, 15-year-old drummer boy, who I'm... So they got swallowed up by Wellington's ass, never to be seen again.

Exactly. There's a drummer boy in Wellington's ass. Because the chateau was a working farm, right? Screaming, flaming, flaming pigs are charging about during the battle, right? Which is perhaps why you're afraid, and Nelson tried to put it in the bucket. Flaming pigs

running around. It'd be horrible. To be a pig at Waterloo, you really don't know what's going on there. But bear in mind, this is miles away from where the pig forest is in the Ardennes.

I mean, this is a 200 years of history where pigs are just, they're really getting it. There's a real, like, demon feel to pig. When pigs squeal, and not in the kind of cartoon way, and they're kind of,

yeah. That's like, that combined with, satanic. is really scary stuff. Yeah, exactly. Very, very scary. No.

No. This is a quick one. No, this is pretty, this is pretty chewy, dude. This is good stuff. Pig sounds. Okay, this is good, give them a sound sphere to Hugamon. Right? Keep going.

And they get men groaning as well, Charlie. The pigs sound quite happy here. Okay. Okay, okay, fine. The pig, I would say, I don't think the pig sounds. that happy. They sort of don't really know what battles going on. So, because the brick walls surrounding the farm are loophole

because the British had poked holes in it to stick their guns out of, the French basically get they're not glory holes. They kind of are. Hey? They kind of are glory holes. Well, this is when a glory hole was glorious. This was an actual glory hole, okay?

Before fucking gay men and starting their dicks through it in service stations. This is the original redoubt, okay? is when you know you drill a hole in a cubicle wall so you can put a musket through it and shoot a French guy

yeah and now the West has fallen and it's just people shoving their dicks in it yeah to be sucked off by a Frenchman to be sucked off by a Frenchman okay no thank you EUSSR anyway so the French

bodies were piling up outside and the French would just use the bodies of their fallen comrades to climb over and then get fucking shot or baynetted at the top so Jerome Bonaparte brother is so ego-driven that he's trying to win this battle for himself to prove himself,

even though it's just sucking more and more men away from Napoleon's main force. So, Wellington is watching from the ridge behind Hougamont, and he believed, much like Nelson did, that your duty is just to not flinch and to be completely unshaken. Well, yeah, I mean, he's right. He is right. You don't want to be look at you. Oh, fuck. I don't know.

Oh, fuck. Like watching a boxing match. You've got to look like you know what you're doing. Yeah. Now, by midday, Napoleon has gained nothing on his western flank, and yet thousands of elite French soldiers are being killed. Okay. So he judges that by about 1.30pm, Wellington Centre must have been weakened.

In fact, Wellington has not sent any reserves to Hugamont. So he orders the attack, he believed, will win the battle. Okay. So 20,000 French infantry charge Wellington's Ridge, right? Initially there's some... So that's past the three farms?

Yes, it's past the three farms. The ridge behind. Also, there's been some artillery at this point, which does do a bit of damage to the Brits, but not much. Because they can't see them. So they're just firing blind. It would take roughly

1.4 million to 2.8 million pigs to defeat Napoleon's 70,000 man army at Waterloo, assuming each French soldier could defeat 20 to 40 aggressive, average-sized war pig. War pigs. What's a war pig? A history of war pigs, please. A brief tangent on the history of war pigs, please, Charlie.

Does Napoleon have a core of war pigs? They are real animals used as tactical measures in ancient military combat and the iconic countermeasures against elephants. Interesting. Countermeasures against elephants. Flaming pigs. Flaming pigs are a thing. Megarians douse pigs in combustible pitch resin or crude oil and set them on fire, Drive them towards opposing Macedonian war elephants.

The squealing and blazing pigs cause elephants to bolt and panic, trampling large numbers of their own soldiers. That's amazing. The only way to beat a war elephant was a war pig. The flaming war pig. Sending the war pig. That's pretty cool. So hidden on the reverse slope, Wellington's British troops unleash a deadly close range volley fire. Are you familiar with volley fire?

Yes, where you're going up and down while one reloads. First rank fire. Second rank fire. third rank fire now the Scots Greys who are cavalrymen they charged downhill directly into the disordered

out of line French infantry they cause an absolute massacre they get carried away they ride too far down the hill and then the French yeah because they're so successful they then just are so jeered up that they get it's all adrenaline

and they're like let's go fucking let's go for Napoleon's centre yeah fucking even though that's not how Wellington commanded them to do or what he would have done. And actually there are there are times during the battle where people are asking Wellington, I've got a clear shot on the polion, should I take it? And he's like, absolutely not. No. Absolutely not. That's not how we do things. That's not cricket. Yeah. They gallop towards the French lines, but they get surrounded and cut down. Yeah. And now supposedly, while this is happening, this is really pissed Wellington off. Yeah. Supposedly, Wellington's second in command, Lord

Uxbridge is riding next to the Duke when a stray piece of French grape shot explodes the Duke's right knee. Uxbridge says, by God, sir, I've lost my leg. And Wellington says, by God, sir, so you have. And then carries on, okay, because he's not to be flustered. He gets taken to a farmhouse where his leg is amputated. And then the homeowner asks if he could keep a leg and bury it in his garden. And then after Waterloo, he charges, he tickets it and charges entry to go and see a leg. Ticket in events.

Belgians are fucking weird, aren't they? Anyway, as the afternoon wears on, we get, the battle is in the balance, okay? because... It's gone back and forth. This is why this is so exciting is that at no point is it clear who's really winning. Napoleon is making tactical mistakes

but he has such... He has a lot of troops and he's attacking. They are making small gains. So French Marshal Ney believes Wellington's army is about to retreat and so he launches

a mass cavalry charge against the Allied Ridge. This is about 10,000 French horsemen one of the largest cavalry assaults in European history and then Wellington who has anticipated cavalry okay because he's a straight man orders his infantry to form hollow squares just at the right moment

and then this is probably the best moment visually of the battle have you seen the 1970 film Waterloo I've seen that bit yeah we'll talk about that on the patron when we talk about in the film review but that drone shot is very cinematic yeah so is this is the key thing because obviously as you said it's like a rock-hares scissors about trying to make sure

you're in the certain formation that goes against a certain thing is it the ability to go from a line to a square quickly? Yes, because you basically If you do it too early the cavalry will just

the cavalry will just pull off and they'll just shell you and you'll get mauled. You do it the right time your former square just as the cavalry hits you you're surrounded by cavalry and then they're not on artillery

they can't do anything and then you can just stab them on horses. So two hours there are horses is just constantly being bayoneted by British men defending their rear in infantry squares.

His cavalry is basically destroyed from Wellington's effective defensive tactics. So this happens for two hours. Meanwhile, Hougamont is still being held and more and more troops are going into it. Regiments have been fighting at this point for over six hours. Artillery horses are collapsing from

Fatigue. Really put a lot of stank on the fat in that. Fatigue. Fatigue. These are fat horses. These are French fat horses. Fatigue. Now Napoleon is getting covered in mud

and his soldiers don't recognize him and keep shoving him out the way. Yeah. The aura is trying to cancel him for blackface. The aura is starting to go. 33,000 French soldiers, right, who had marched into Belgium are nowhere near the battle.

Okay. This is Marshall de Grouchy's detachment. They are meant to be, pursuing the Prussians. Now they hear on the morning of 18th of June heavy cannon fire coming from Waterloo but Grouchy goes, nah.

I made a promise. Both Grouchy and Blucher did make promises and they're both stuck to them. Yes, it's a very faithful story. So about 4.30pm it's still completely in the balance here. Right.

At some point the French take the central farm of Aissant. And this is where they then move their artillery up and start shelling Napoleon shelling Wellington from close range at the squares so this is now

looking quite dangerous yeah this is scissors on paper now this is scissors on paper okay so at this point Wellington thinks fuck we may actually be overrun here is he annoyed about that hey and he's annoyed about that I imagine he's very

annoyed about it yeah yeah so more disappointed sad I don't think Wellington get sad. No. He cut that part of his brain out. And also remember, you know,

Napoleon's thinking, this man has fucked all my exes. You know? There's a personal thing going on. There's a personal thing going on. It's a personal thing going on. Yeah. And Wellington's thinking,

I fucked all of his exes. Yeah. So, of course, I'm not sad. I'm not sad. I don't care if I lose this. I fucking fucked all your exes. Yeah. So they take that village of Aissont,

but then at about 4.30pm, there is, they look to their, to the, Napoleon looks to his right and sees, who is it? it come, Blucher's it coming in

with the chair. The Prussians have arrived on Napoleon's right flank and bluefield looks at Wellington and goes, I have made a promise. Yeah, yeah. And Wellington,

and they look at each other like this. My son, there will be an elephant. What? And Wellington's like, what the fuck you want about? But they look at each other and I reckon they're like,

yeah. I got you, bro. And then he's, Wellington's having a real moment and Bluker's just completely cross-eyed. Nietzsche at the other. No. idea what there is.

Yeah. So Blucher has finally arrived at 4.30. Napoleon thought this wasn't possible. Yeah. And then words spread through the French troops that, oh, it's okay because Grouchy's coming. Grouchy's not coming. Grouchy's nowhere to be seen.

Grouchy's fucked off. So as evening approaches, the Prussians pour onto Napoleon's right. Wellington's line is still holding. And so this is where Napoleon plays his final card. The Imperial Guard. They had fought a austerlitz. Ah, Yenna.

Borodina. Wagram, we never even talked about. I don't know what Wagram is. Wagram is the bloodiest battle in Poland. We didn't even talk about that. It's not Waguan, Charlie. Battle of Waguan. Battle of Waguan was Napoleon in Jamaica.

We didn't get to that. Anyway, this guard, the slogan is the guard dies. It does not surrender. So this is an iconic guard that has never, no matter what's happened with Napoleon, they've never been defeated. No. Yeah, it's his best troops.

They're all over six, foot as well. Are they? Like he selected them for their height. Over five foot six. Over five foot six. Which is six foot in. Yeah.

So he commits them only at the decisive moment. So 5,000 guardsmen march up towards Wellington centre. Wellington is waiting until the French are within range before saying now, Maitland, now's your time. Up guards and Atom. And the British guards rise in the long grass. And these are the British best soldiers as well. Yes.

It's not Emily Maitliss, Charlie. it's Maitland Maitland. No connection. I don't think Emily Maitlis has got any connection to Battle of Waterloo. Please find out if I'm wrong. Because if she does, I will evaporate into come right now.

If you're telling me Emily Maitlis' ancestors, I will become missed in a second. You'll be the submersible, the Titanic's reversible. The hat will just fall to the sofa. There is no known public, genealogical, or thank God. For the rest of this podcast, thank God. Well, for the listeners as well, because, I mean, they wouldn't be able to...

No. If we broke that. They'd listen to a mist, a cudd mist to a podcast. They would become cunmiss as well. Yeah. And their wives would be like, where did my husband go? Yeah. So the imperial guards, they rush forward, but then the British guards shoot them from point-blank range.

And for the first time in their history, the imperial guards fall back. Yeah, because they're using these quite cheap muskets or like they're called like Besses, which is like a name for a common... Brown Bess. Brown bears, common woman. Yeah. But they have no accuracy, but from close range, they're brilliant. Because they kind of work almost like shotguns, basically.

And so within minutes, the French start to collapse. Napoleon has been unable to send reinforcements because he's having to deal with Blucher on his right flank. Marshal Ney says, I'm not fleeing. Come and see how a Marshal of France dies. Come on, everyone. No one follows him. He dies.

Embarrassing. Embarrassing. Sucks to me, you mate. You fucked it. and then the emperor is persuaded to leave the battlefield before he gets captured. I mean it's classic Napoleon, he's a man who will always leave.

Always leaves. Always. Always. Always. Right? Because fundamentally he's not dying for France. It's only for himself. Yeah, yeah. So as soon as number one. And so by dawn,

this man, this proto-Hitler, is racing back towards Paris and Wellington has won a famous victory and it really is I mean this is like Waterloo it's United Champions League

or it's I wouldn't say it's Istanbul but it's like you really don't know who's going to win until the final hour of the battle It's more yeah I guess France Argentina the way it went back and forth

yeah Australia Do you think there's any sort of you know if you get anxious after a night out do you ever is there any of that in war where like you kind of feel a bit weird the day after. I imagine.

Like at dawn you feel like like you were being weird well you got hangs Iity was I being weird last night um war's ity

yeah I wonder I felt like I was a bit I was a bit much yeah you get the Sunday scaries yeah yeah was I bit much when I ripped that

man's head off uh yeah I guess maybe you would get that a little bit like booze doom yeah yeah yeah I just watch my best mate

get destroyed by cannonball is it offensive to call PTSD and Sunday Scaries would be my question. Yeah, I guess it's sort of the everyday scurries. Yeah, decompression in Cyprus after you fought in Afghanistan.

No, what's wrong then, mate? Got a bit of a case of the Sunday scarries, have we? Why don't you try exercising? Go for a run. Go for a run. You'll forget about it. When darkness falls on the Battle of Waterloo, 50,000 men are dead.

10,000 horses lay dead, nay their name. And this is across only a few square miles, Wellington's horse, who was called Copenhagen, had carried the Duke for 17 hours. Okay. Copenhagen then died in 1836. Wellington buried him with full military honors and then a hoof was removed as a memento and Wellington's family turned it into an inkstand. Lovely. Lovely.

So again, this is a victory won by Anasol. Yeah. This is at Waterloo was sponsored by Anasol. Now why I have long campaigned for Piles Cremes to sponsor this podcast And I was really hoping one of them would fucking bitten by now Because this was a battle It's the perfect time Never has Piles been more decisive or rather the lack of piles

But also you could do the perfect ad You do it in full cinematic Dress like this portrayal of Battle of Waterloo About 45 minutes long Basically the end of the Battle of Waterloo You refilm that's never been filmed before Really high budget And at the end, it goes anosol.

Yeah. We've got you and you need us or something. No, he shows Napoleon going, ah, ah, like that. And then Wellington's just on a sauce like. Anasol. Yeah? Staying piles free when you most need it. Yeah.

So this is one of the bloodiest battles of the Napoleon. Fucking hell, Charlie. Tens of thousands of human corpses. Now, because everyone just kind of fucks, shuffles, off and just leave the dead, they're just, they're just groaning. Yeah.

Like, there's just a field of men. Just, oh, much similar to at the end of this podcast series, our listeners will be like. Yeah.

Just a field of, yeah. Uh, many of them just sort of die there out of infection in the sort of days afterwards. There's a lot of looting going on. Yeah.

Now, they basically, don't the British steal all of the corpses teeth? Waterloo teeth is a thing. It comes like a fad, weird Victorian fad. So teeth are extracted from the corpses, packed into barrels, shipped to London and Paris,

and then crafted into high-end dentures, known as Waterloo Teeth. There's a bone harvest in the 1830s where European companies quietly pay contractors to dig up the mass graves, harvest the skeletons, and grind the bones into dust, and then sold to British farmers

as crop fertiliser. Yeah, how effective is it human bone mill as fertiliser? Is it just... Imagine it's very good. Yeah, I guess so. You know, we are the same, aren't we? That's like the best use of it now? The best, yeah.

It's like the best use of the body. Just put it in the... With nose to tail sort of stuff. Yeah. Yes, we will be dealing with grave snatchers on the page of Birkenhair. And so this listeners is why that station that you hate is called that.

Yeah. Which you go to every day. Get a miserable pasty. You get a very, one of the saddest pasties in Britain. From what was it West Country past? Cross? No, the West Country pasties, is it? There's a brew dog at Waterloo.

Yeah. Fuck me, the West has fallen. Yeah. Now, this is the greatest battle there ever was, and now there's a fucking broodog in it. Yeah, the Cornwall Pasti Company, that's it. Yeah. Upper crust.

Uproast is the worst a lot, I reckon. Do you think? Yeah. It's pretty crap. Yeah, it's pretty trash. I don't want to be sponsored by Upper Crust. Any food outlet that cannot survive outside of stations is not good. No.

Because they've got a sort of monopoly of convenience, right? Yes, totally. But an upper crust could not stand on its own two feet on a high street, could it? Absolutely not. Very expensive. And the bread's wet. And yet this is the food that schlubby commuters are eating daily. Yep.

Okay. That's why they're so bloated and sad all the time, is that they're living off upper crust. Yep. Okay. And this heroic battle, you know, I really think we should campaign down Warfleut, hey? We should call a different station. Because it is the sound of station. London Fat Commuter.

London Fat Commuter Station. Sound station. Yeah. So this battle basically ends the Napoleonic Wars. At the end of this, Napoleon is forced back to Paris. What are the Seventh Coalition going to do with him now? We find out in our final episode of the Napoleonic War series, which is already on our Patreon. Charlie

would you like Have you would any kind of We could maybe have a poem about Waterloo to sum it up For our listeners This is the most impactful battle Britain will fight

To be honest It's the most impactful battle Probably We've had since Because the British in World War 1 and 2 Don't have this kind of Decisive But also it sets up the world order

For the next 100 years To World War I After this Completely I don't even know It's not been 100 years after the World War II yet

and already that's gone out of the window that's already going out of the window now so it could be the most impactful battle for longevity ever you now say that Napoleon met his Waterloo

yes that's what that means I've got one okay to listeners to play us out from this historic battle the Battle of Waterloo when Britain finally conquered

the Bonaparte's French Charlie with a poem Waterloo Good start Water who Water me And water you Don't water me

I'm not a plant I'm a mammal I'm your aunt Only messing I'm a water pig War pig Set me on fire You don't know where to stop me

That was good You know he didn't have very long to come up with that It was very short backlift on that Very good Very good Maybe just kidding it only messing I'm a water pig. I'm not a

water pig. I'm a pig. I drown me in the thing. Jam me in the bucket. Now. Moving. Very moving stuff. No better tribute to the veterans that lay down their lives at Waterloo.

Thank you very much for joining us. We will see you for the conclusion of this epic series next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. My reg league goalie says he plays for the love of the game. You gave up six goals last week, Steve.

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