Fin vs History - Heston Blumenthal’s Cannibal Tapas | The Aztecs (Part 1/5)

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Cannibalism, Human Sacrifice and using skulls as bricks- who were the Aztecs before the pox-laden Spanish arrived? The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, history sluts, before we get into this week's episode, we've got an announcement. We're adding a new London date for our October tour. Finn v. History Live is coming to the Shepherds Bush 02 on Wednesday, 29th of October. This is people finding out about it. Tickets go live. When? Thursday, 12th of June. If you're a patron, you can access the pre-sail on Wednesday, 11th of June.

Double, ah. Hackney Empire sold out in 24 hours. So see this as your warning. Thursday the 12th is 10 a.m. general sale, but the pre-sale for patrons is Wednesday, the 11th of June, at 10 a.m. There are also still some tickets available for the Edinburgh Fringe date on the 8th of August and Newcastle on the 12th of October. But until then, ah! Welcome back to Finn versus history.

As ever, I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Tresia Coco makes me go loco. And today we are dealing with the Aztecs. Azteca. It's the start of an epic series, potentially five episodes. Wow. I'll believe that when I see it. Yeah.

If Gaddafi's four and this is five, then something's gone terribly wrong. Something's gone very wrong. This is a disgrace. The Aztex, for those who don't know, is the story of how a kind of quite an uppity, forthright people are conquered by the story. Spanish and mate that's how you get lazy Mexicans it's true that's really well you know this is what I care about history is the history of racial stereotypes well it's yes I know but is this is a period when neither the Spanish or the Mexicans were being lazy yes so it's sort of like two dears

rucking banging their heads the past is a foreign country two deer two deer's rutting getting brain damage yeah yeah right they hit their heads so hard yeah okay are you into the Aztex I'm into the Aztex this is your I imagine that kind of your wet dream is that in the sort of marshlands of like latent forest they find a bronze age civilisation 100% and you'd be like oh let's preserve it I'd be like burn it all ruin it weird freaks

The historical side of you would be you're a witch the witch finder with a big hat You're kind of at the top of a boat Red coat big hat that's me You're putting the flag down Yeah But I'm behind with lots of little boxes And my glasses go

Oh a butterfly Burn the butterfly Yeah I'm very jealous that they got to find this first though because there's no that you can't really find any more It's hard to find new stuff these days. Yeah, I mean, I listen to the same song, basically, on repeat. The same music. Tom Jones.

Tom Jones. The best of Tom Jones. Haven't found a better album than the best of Tom Jones in the last five years. I haven't looked. Why would I? When the best of Tom Jones is free. Well, because a lot of the big stuff's been found, it does mean that you've got. I've got it on CD.

I've got it on cassette. I've got it on vinyl. Sorry. It doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't matter where I am. But that's why you've got Graham Hancock now, just making stuff up. Who's that? You know pseudo-historian Graham Hancock?

And I love watching his shows to you. Sorry, can I just say that, throw it, us throwing pseudo-historian out. It's a disgraceous. It's a big. You've seen this guy. He's on Joe Rogan all the time. Oh, I know this guy. Yeah.

Oh, he's the guy who talks about the pyramids. Yeah, yeah, and it's great. And to be honest, it's like, I love watching. There is, making up history, well, I mean, this is what this is what he's all about. There's a big appeal of watching his shows just for him. you're just waiting, when are you going to say something absolutely mental? Because he says stuff that's completely reasonable, all right, why is everyone calling you mental? And then he'll be like, dismissing to the aliens built.

The pyramids, yeah. The pyramids 50,000 years ago. All right, all right, okay. Oh, yeah, wow. There's also that guy, Roy Cassandra or Roy... Yes. I get his clips a lot. He's fucking mad.

Oh, I love him as well. Because, you know, he's clearly had a glance at the stuff and that's enough. But he... Huge sweeping generalisations. That's what I like for my historians. It's not getting bogged down in detail. Charlie's just Googling, is he still alive? Yes, he's still alive, Charlie.

It was just an old photo. Right. Charlie started, before we started to record, we said, right, it's Aztec today. And Charlie went, who the fuck are they? What do you know about the Aztex, Charlie? The Tintin, there was a Tintin book about the Aztex, I think. Prisoners of the son.

And I think Tintin wins. Yeah, I think that's the plot of every Tintin book. Tintin wins. so this is the start of an epic series two weeks on the Aztecs where are we in the world this is Mexico right so where should we set

yeah this is in Mexico so Mexico now my model I've never been there have you been to Mexico I've been to Mexico no it's not on my list no no I've been to Spain you get it I get it

I get it I get it I get it it it's hot you have a little sleep in my head it's a dustier Spain sort of I mean there's amazing jungles down in the south i'm not i'm not i'm not i'm not a man who's in going to jungles you're no interest in the jungles no no no no what do you have an interest in sorry what do you have an interest in countryside that's enough yeah that's fine for me yeah uh no

yeah this stuff does throat my goat for sure just because it yeah there's a lot of stuff i guess there's a lot of do you feel an immense tragedy of the things that are lost and the things that we'll never find again i do think you find like a melancholy um charlie he's just Googled Mexico's fatest baby. Is this Super Antonio? Super Antonio.

Do you know what? I take it back. I'd love to go to Mexico. I'd love to go and see. My God, that's a big baby. The thigh gap on that baby is negative,

I'd say. He's born in Cancun, weighing 14 and a half pounds at birth. This is after the Aztecs. Is Cancun around during the Aztec Empire? I don't know. I don't know if it was a party strip.

Cancun is that that's spring break. That's basically what happens is that the Spanish find it's all like zanti sort of they find these indigenous people having a massive

spring break and they go we've got to break this up this is a disgrace um bonnie blue's there is trying to fuck all the asses

fuck all the Aztecs no cancun I don't think I mean it'd be quite interesting to do a sort of bonny blue but instead it's with human sacrifice because that's probably

their most similar thing is he's a hundred guys get their heads chopped off I killed 100 I sacrificed 100 warriors in the day sign up to my only fans to see it all

um And I guess it'd be a similar journey. I've not watched the Russian novel that is Bonnie Blue fucking 100 men a day. I'm not sure how long the edit is. Is it the whole full 24 hours? Is it compressed? They're doing a tight cut.

Are they cutting out all the... Are they cutting out the fat? You'd be annoyed if you didn't make the edit, didn't you? Is it a thousand men the day on? She's doing something with a thousand, yeah. I think she's going to... Has she done a thousand? She did a thousand.

She's planning on doing a thousand. No, I think she has done a thousand. Oh, but they banned her for it. Who? Only fans. Only fans are banned. Bonnie Blue? 1,057.

God, she had some change as well. Christ. 1057 and 24 hours. I think that I'd watch, you know, like test cricket highlights when they make those eight-minute cuts. So it's like, it's a long day. I'd watch the hour.

I'd watch the hour. I'd want some coverage in there as well. I'd want some analysis. I'd want someone to come in and just, if someone's done a particularly crisp off drive up Bonnie Blue, I'd want, I'd want Isha Goula to tell me,

tell me how they managed it. But we're not in to talk about cricket. Oh, I'd love someone to do a mashup of test match special over some. porn videos, please. Whenever we start talking about the ancient world,

this is what happens. I'd absolutely love to see Jonathan Agnew talk about talking over Bonnie Blue getting railed. I'd love that. Do you think that any of them genuinely

had feelings for her? Do you think any of them sort of maybe actually quite liked her or even loved her? Well, I mean, the sample size is so big. You'd assume most things are possible. There's a thousand and 50s ever men.

That's a huge amount. Some of them are going to think, I think she really liked me. I mean, they do less for the census. Genuinely. This is all like the Doomsday book, but a more. modern-day doomsday book, isn't it?

Fucking Bonnie. A census. Yeah, I mean, it would be funny to combine the two. What, yeah, that's, yeah, because it's like, it's hard to get a thousand people. I mean, admittedly, you're probably getting a certain demo. Do you think, if you're, if you're doing a vote as poll and it comes out, oh, it looks like reforms on the rise or like, whatever, it's like, it's not really. Turns out as a focus group.

Anyway, listen. We're not here to talk about Bonnie Blue. We're here to talk about the Aztex. Or as they called themselves, the machica. And so a lot of this story, it's blended with myth. The Spanish have told their stories. Most of these people have died. So it's hard to know too much what actually happened.

Well, there have been some histories recently of people who have learned the indigenous language, Nowat. Nawaz who spoke no wattle. Nowat you're talking about. That's me when someone's speaks to Nahuatl. No, watch your talking about. Here, Britta, now watch your talking bolt. I mean, they are close to the Caribbean.

Yeah, it's true. So the Nawaz, they spoke Nahuas but they call themselves the Meshika. Yes. So in this episode, we'll be dealing with who the Aztecs were. And then in the rest of the series, we will learn how the empire. So this is the first colonial story.

Yeah, this is going to be what it was like before Cortez landed before they met basically. The pre-lapsarian bliss of a savage people fucking killing and eating each other I think to start this story of Those poor innocent cannibals Conquered by the awful Spanish

With their tapass And their strips of nightclubs Well you could buy in the two maybe A cannibal tapas That's because that's blending That's like the ban me It's when colonial power It blends culturally

They should just have like little small plates of, you know, little fingers to start. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think fingers would be like cocktail softiness. Yeah, you could maybe have like a bit bigger when you get the thigh, like a pork belly type thing going on. I thought it's like a suckling pig. That's the, that's a main course. Yeah, but if you cut it up small enough.

Oh, I see little chunks. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we'll get to that. I think let's start with. I think the first thing to talk about when we talk about the Aztex as to why they develop differently. basically the can we get up

the spread of humans throughout the world there's a map that sounds like a clever Charlie Google yeah by the way we've parachuted in another Charlie

who I found out and about because our Charlie's so fucking thick we had to get another Charlie in yeah now his voice is being distorted for political reasons Charlie do you want to introduce yourself do you want to introduce other Charlie

this is other Charlie this is clever Charlie this is another Charlie Charlie we got in who actually knows anything about history and even speaking to stupid Charlie before this episode I said have you ever looked up once the topic that we're talking about and he's never has no never once I mean what I like about stupid Charlie is that he waits to find out about topics on air yeah yeah no he's got no idea what's going to interesting that way there you go brilliant so I guess what makes this such extraordinary story about the two

world's meeting is because the Americas and the Eurasian kind of world have been separated maybe like 10,000 years ago, right? And the spread of humanity has come maybe from Africa. It goes up through Asia. It went through Europe. And then it crosses into the Americas 15,000 years again over the Bering Land Bridge, which is Alaska when it connected with Russia. So that means the reason why the Aztecs are probably at,

I don't know, maybe like a Sumerian level of development. compared to the Europeans or countries in Asia is because they literally... They're very thick. Yeah. They're thick Asians who got lost wandering from Asia

and then the Lambridge collapsed. Yeah. And they were sort of left stranded. They got less stranded there. They had horses. Thankfully, some clever people came along in 1519 and saved them from themselves. Yeah.

They did have horses, but they didn't view them as things you could ride, so they just ate them. They didn't have horses. No, they just ate all their horses. Oh, right. So they did. So they overfarmed their horses.

I see, right, okay. They didn't invent wheels. Well, they might have invented wheels, actually. That's a misconception they didn't invent wheels. Right. Because some of the children's toys that they found from like Aztecs had little wheels on. That's the Inkers. No, no, no, no, they didn't have wheels.

They had little wheels. No, the Inkers supposedly were a couple of generations away from inventing the wheel. Because they had put little wheels on toys. But the Aztecs had no. No, not even a clue. No, no, no. They had no clue. They just had steps.

They love steps. Yeah. It was a very ableist culture, the Aztecs. Yeah. No ramps. Yeah. To be fair, yeah, there was no accessible access. No.

To any of these pyramids. No. And also, it's interesting that a culture that loves chopping a head off and rolling it down the stairs didn't see that motion as inspiring the wheel. Yeah. They were very close to... I'd be looking at that. I'd be like, there's something. They were very close to the slinky, I believe.

Very close. Every now and then they'd chop a dick off at the top. And it would sort of like slink its way down the steps. But they didn't quite put two and two together. It's a patchwork of different tribes, similar to like the Germanic tribes in the Roman Empire, right? And I guess the Meshika people who end up being the Aztecs, they started in what was currently maybe like New Mexico, Utah area, potentially.

Ironically, it's very old Mexico, I guess. Yeah. And but that was in the desert, so it was rubbish. Yes. So they walked down to Lake Texaco. Is that where they arrived? Now, the pronunciation, we should, there's a word on pronunciation. And also, now, Texaco, Charlie, that's not the petrol station.

That's Texaco. But I imagine that's lit? No, that's not lit. Yeah, so they find this glowing, massive forecourt, hundreds of miles from New Mexico. And they think, fuck me, what's that? And the night counter's open, and they can get some chocolate bars. But they have to be behind the glass panel and that's a point. No, not that one.

Hey, eh, eh, eh, cabron, cabron. Have you ever been at one of those petrol stations and the person that counts doesn't speak any English. Yes. And you're having to point, not even that, you know. It's like battleships.

It's like you have to go. D6. No, I want the family-sized Yorkie. My dad. You got a, you have family? No,

I don't have a family. I'm very upset. I'm pretty depressed. I've driven away for my family to buy some chocolate. My dad, where I think I get some of my eating habits from is my dad.

That's quite a slender man, isn't he is now? Yeah. He was, he was a, he was a, Portly, portly gent back in the day um so as portly does that imply a little bit of uh is there a bit of class to that sort of fat there's a jolliness um it's before it becomes depressing and

sort of um you're getting cranes and stuff poorly is uh portly is an upper class fat gentlemen and in many ways the portliness is an old school thing because fat people have got a lot less fun recently they're lippy now they're very lippy they used to be they need to be like culturally and across liposuctionally that's what i but culturally even at this time across you go back in time the fat person was the gesture of the group it was the jolly one right

you'd rub us belly for luck yeah exactly but now it's the winggy one now you do that and you know you need to treat me as attractive as skinny people yeah well how about you have sex with fat people no

because they're fucking disgusting that's disgusting that was my favorite thing about the body positivity movement it's like but if big is so beautiful that why don't you just when you fuck a mirror

when you fuck each other oh I can't because we'd start a bushfire I don't know um the phrase portly kink doesn't have a widely recognized meaning or a fixed definition well i was just wondering if maybe like if you said if you called somebody portly is that could that ever be sexy it's a chubby chase it's not like a sexy it's a paug a portly ass white girl yeah a portly ass white

girl anyway my dad was a portly ass white girl in his 30s and 40s and what he would do is firstly come back from work and with his backpack still on would make toast even though my mom was like dinner is dinner will be 20 minutes he's like yeah i know i know and he needed toast as like a barrier to separate the workday from the home toast. Toast. He'd have some toast. Two slices of toast. Wow. God, I'm really off the clock now. I'm eating toast. Then he'd have dinner. And then, uh, he'd be on the sofa. Yeah. And at about 9pm, he'd go, I just need to go and fill up the car for tomorrow. And he'd be like, the car's, I'm pretty sure there's a full-tang of petrol with my dad. And he'd

like, no, no, no. He would go to the petrol station and buy a family-sized bar of day and milk. And they'd just eat it in the car. No, he'd come back and they eat it. And he'd be like, well, while I was there, I got some chocolate. And we're like, Dad, the petrol has not gone down at all in three weeks. He would just go and have a family-sized bar of dairy milk from the night counter at local petrol station. Was there a point where he stopped, decided to not be identified as portly anymore? I think a doctor told him that this was, his cholesterol was maybe taking a hit from the nightly. Anyway, the Aztecs.

So they arrive in this like amazing glittering fork or text code. I think, fuck me. One pound 23 for unleaded. What's this? The 90s? Incredible scenes. It's pre-9-11 petrol prices. We should place it actually. The whole Aztec story, I think we need to place 1519 is when the famous meeting happens. Should we do it at that point? All right. Well, I want to say that is before the invention of the wristwatch. Yes, that is. And I think it's after the invention of the sundial. We've done that one. Have you done sundial? We've done, we've done literally sundial on this watch.

We've done it. We've done it. All right. It's before the invention of the brogue. Yep. Yeah. And it's after the invention of the slipper. Here we go.

When were slippers invented. Well, there's going to be a proto slipper, isn't there? 10,000 years. Okay, fine. Slippers are 10,000 years old. So the Aztex probably had slippers. we know this much yeah yeah yeah but then we don't know what they had because when we they don't have all the same shit we have it is a completely different world so unlike most

times when we talk about inventions of things that spread along the silk roads the Aztecs don't have pajamas they sleep they sleep in the um how do they sleep naked I reckon they sleep like sort of upside down hanging from rafts or something because they haven't learned terrifying people they haven't learned that they haven't learned that's actually very uncomfortable yeah so um the machika they find this glittering petrol stage and they So there's a beautiful lake which basically

everyone's crammed in right it's over subscribed it's like Glastonbury this is around sort of it's like the last couple of yeah so around 1,200 so this is maybe 200 300

300 years before the Spanish arrive and it's sort of like now that Glastonbury so oversubscribed and it's like they're giving up too many tickets this year yeah that's what it feels like round lake Texaco all of these civilizations have taken up

all the price I'm real estate on this lake. Yeah. The dirty machika arrived. Don't call them. Come on. No, but even within Aztec, you know. The dirty fat Mexicans are arrived.

So they've arrived with a, is there anyway for us to stay? They're going around like fucking Mary in the inn asking, can we stay here? They say no. And they just get the shittest bit of land, which doesn't have much so they can grow on. I think they actually go into the lake. That's where they start, right? Isn't that right, Clever Charlie?

They go into the lake and they basically have to start, um, There's an island on the lake. Yes, like a marshy island and they're like, well, that's the only good place left, right? And this is the move to lake, Teshkoca. This is around 1325, the Meshika camp on an island in the lake and they witness an eagle with a snake in its beak landing on a cactus.

I feel like that's not that relevant. And the eagle goes, ow, fuck. But no, but the prophecy is actually entirely relevant because a prophecy has foretold they should build a city where they see an eagle with a snake landing on a cactus. So it's actually... It's the most relevant thing we've said so far. That's not relevant.

Talk about the petrol station. They say an eagle land on a petrol station. Probably bollocks. That's probably complete bollocks. I mean, most of this stuff is. Bullocks actually sounds like an Aztec word almost. Bolosh. That's one of their gods.

Bolloch. Hello, I'm Elizabeth Day, the creator and host of How to Fail. It's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right. And what, if anything, we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better? Each week, my guests share three failures, sparking intimate, thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices, sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is an Elizabeth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original podcast.

Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. And they begin building this insane city called Tenosh Titlan. Tenosh Titlan is literally among the prickly pears growing among rocks. Right. well that's not the best name in my opinion I feel there must be I feel don't have a mung twice

in what your city's called but they're thick as we've said though there are thick people it's a sort of swampy barren mess yes must smell disgusting but it starts to grow into this gorgeous almost Venice like

city they only get to that point after a couple hundred years where they are basically being subjected by the ruler of the lake like everyone is what's going on? Well just

sick Charlie's started Googling again. The Aztecs were living before the use of toilet paper and they would have used a variety of natural materials for wiping including leaves, grass, moss and even corn cobs. Corn on the cob

shove that up there, give that a twist and I mean that would do a job. I mean the way a corn is ridged would be a very effective cleaning implement, I think. It's more of a toilet brush, I'd see. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's more for tough stains. Yes, sillet bang.

Did they wipe their bum having eaten the corn off the cob, or was the corn still on it when they wiped it? Well, I say, if the corn's off it, and it's kind of quite a wiry husk, that's quite a good toilet brush, I'd say. But do you have to use more than one cob? Or do you just use one? So anyway, the local powerhouse at this

time is Azacopo Now how the fuck are we saying that word? Ascaput Tlasko Ascaputalco

Ascaputascalco ruled by the Teppinex much like the later Aztec Empire They collect tribute From all near By Altepepefles

So the main problem With these fuckers Is that they love sticking a T next to a P and an L They love it And I don't know What the fuck's going on

They're mad for it But one of the great things Cortez does Is it goes Listen lads Separate those put a fucking vowel in the middle of those two. They haven't come...

Due to the Bering Lambridge, they didn't take vows over with them. They didn't take vowels with them. So when they... They didn't take wheels. Mexicans are famously, their mind is blown by Carol Waldman on countdown. You go, the idea that you can...

What? They go, like, yeah, ten consonants, please. You go, no, stick a vowel there, ten consonants, please, my friend. Conson. Concent. Concent. Concent.

Concent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, see, see, see, see, see, see. Concent. And then they go, yeah, that's my name. Um, but anyway. And how it worked at this time is because they don't have easy ways to travel, they don't have horses, they don't have wheels.

The way you'd maintain power, you can't really have this kind of, you know, permeable thoroughfare between cities and stuff. Instead, you're just to send people around to collect tribute. That's kind of what it meant to be an empire. And tribute means taxes. Taxes. It's not like a, you know, a George Michael look-a-like. Yes, it's not like a tribute band.

It's not like a tribute. That's David Brent, tribute. It's not that guy. The day, David Brent, are nice. He goes to people's weddings. Have you seen that? Yeah, he's all over the shop.

It's fucking hilarious. Now, the problem with this period is that none of us, no one's going to know any of these people. No, but it's just a general vibe, right? Essentially, look, there's a lot of fuckers with peas and teas and zeds and nails.

And the triple alliance is the thing, that's the main thing, right? Because this is the start of the Aztec Empire. So the Aztecs, to recap, they've found a big petrol station. They've come down from what's now in New Mexico. They've set up a city on a grotti island in the middle of lake.

and they're outsiders and they're seen as uncivilised kind of barbarians and they start to dominate the surrounding tribes This is when the montage in the film starts It's the rise and fall right

This is like everything's going well The numbers are going great So the Meshika start They're kind of subservent to the tepenex Yes And then Chimal Popa Popaka His uncle is

Whatever the fuck that is ITZC Look Look And then two vowels lads pop a couple of vows in we have to agree for this episode

we're going to give it every single time it comes with a Mexican word we got to give it our best I'm giving it my best every single time we do the same for the Chinese we'll give the same

for these fuckers there will not be one word we won't try Chimal Popakaz uncle Ishqahel succeeds him and they sound pissed this is the book

Ishgratel succeeds him and leads a revolt against the Teppinex now so by 1430 the Mishika have allied with the Tex Coco

the petrol company and Slacopam The Triple Alliance And they overthrow But the Triple Alliance Doesn't sound very Meshican, does it

Doesn't sound very Aztec That's probably an anachronism Yeah, I assume so The Triple Alliance sounds like something From World War I If you take the I The E and the other eye They wouldn't call it that

They would have called it The TRPL The TRL It does sound like Star Wars Yeah They would have called it The Snake Each The Ham

That killed the mum Yeah Who lives under the stairs Yeah Let's build a city there so the machika by 1430 they become the dominant force which is a great turnaround it is just turning around with like a satchel on your back

no one wanted to hang out with you at all to basically overthrowing the rulers by uniting and it is interesting to know see the strength of these guys are lying at this time with what's to come is um is mexico called mexico because of because of mechica yeah well done well done genius so but it's made easier so that because you're seeing how much

imagine we're Spanish arriving here struggling with these words well let's just change that yeah yeah it is just literally adding vows to and then in the 19th century they went do you know what let's call them something completely different it's it's it's our viewpoint isn't it yeah let's call them the Aztecs yeah and if you called an Aztex and Aztec they'd be like okay okay okay okay okay okay is Spanish they would go oh blah blah blah blah I don't know I mean what but that's the same people isn't it yeah I guess so if they're from the American Southwest yeah they're American Indians that have become

Meshika. Yeah. But then would you say you're the same people as the Greeks? No, I'm the same people as the whatever the British, the British, the British man in a suit that came out of an egg. Right, right, right. Came out of an egg. With a three-piece suit. In Bedford in a three-piece

suit in the 12th century. Right, right. Right. Right. We'll do the history of the British, the British man in a separate episode. So the Mishika of the dominant force, and they don't really centralise government because they can't, because because they're a bronze age civilisation. And they demand food, gold, and humans for sacrifice.

Now, this is the big thing we should deal with, really. Yeah, and I guess it's really, the sacrifice thing was really played up by the Spanish as the reason what's justified, you know, them fucking them up. But to be honest, because it's hard to know, because that's kind of the thing that most people know about the Aztecs, right? Is that they'd roll people's heads down, period, steps. And often when you hear about that stuff, it's like, oh, this is completely overblown because it's more glamorous, it's more interesting, or it's because the Spanish are trying to do negative propaganda. But they did fucking love it. It's not, it's all the evidence points towards they fucking loved it. They loved it. And I think it's woke revisionism to say that, you know, oh, it's kind of cultural relativism on steroids to say, well, that's just what they do, isn't it? Like, who are we to say, stop this barbaric practice? They didn't have steel or iron.

They had obsidian, which is volcanic, like, glass. It's like a shard of, yeah, a shard of, yeah. And they would fashion this into blades. And what they would do is they'd, when they, they'd take, win a sort of war. And it's similar to the Zulu wars, and it's kind of like a ritualistic war, where it's not really attacking people. Yeah, step up three. It's a dance off.

Yeah. Step up three. And they would take the people that they conquer. They'd take warriors, young, male. fit athletic warriors and they drag them up to the top of one of the big temples in Tenochtitlan

and they'd dye them with a blue dye and they drug them and then they'd just fucking cut their heart out with a shard of glass I didn't know where you were going on to go with us I was trying to sort of paint a picture but there's nothing poetic about it

it's absolute savagery they'd cut a guy's heart out and then hold it up with it still beating and go like and then chuck it down the stairs and then they'd throw the bodies down the stairs. Yeah, because they normally, yeah, that's the thing. They normally would not kill you in battle

because you're so valuable as a sacrificial person because to them, from their worldview, the more people they sacrifice, the more likely it was that the sun would rise the next day. It does kind of make sense if you don't know anything about anything, the sacrifice thing does kind of make sense. Yeah, that's what I feel. As in like a gift, it's just like...

You're coming at it from an angle of... Up into university. Yeah. If you were a fucking idiot, this sort of makes sense. That's not an argument, is it? Yeah, but like if you... But it was like, they were like 15,000 years behind. And it's terrifying.

You're in this like... Five thousand years, probably. You don't know where you are. It's like you're going to give something to... Yeah, because if someone's told you... How the fuck you should I know? But also... I'm a fucking idiot.

How the fuck do I know? Just in defence of the human sacrifices. Oh, here we go. Fucking more left-wing nonsense. Yeah, I don't want to piss off the base. I'm already getting a lot of comments now, saying... Do you see that recent comment? We talked about...

that was the when the guy was like um i'm really starting to fucking hate horatio the defeat uh feminine cunt it's funny how like we're now getting this podcast is getting accused of being woke this is the this is kind of the base we've started yeah i mean now if you're the thing is if you deviate from fascism for a second it's like what the thing is that unless we're just screaming the n-word into the camera for an hour a day we're always going to be outflanked by someone who wants that as entertainment i've got to go to work. I want to hear white people shout the N word for an hour so that I can calm down. Speaking of that, join the patron. Yeah, the patrons where we do that. We've got a special

specials dropping this week. We do it in funny accents. But they are, they, instead of killing these people in battle, they're just killing them somewhere else. Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah, I sort of, I don't know about that. I do think it's barbaric. Yeah. I think, to be fair, I would absolutely hate to be sacrificed. Yes, because we should get into the Aztec mythology. The Aztecs believe that they're in the fifth era of life on earth,

the fifth son. The fifth Reich. The fifth Reich, to give it its proper name. Oh, God, imagine. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Imagine there's no people. I'd do a John Lennon.

Imagine there's no juice. Doodoole do. That is funny, actually. Yeah, Hitler version of Imagine. We should get on. It's filled like that. Yeah. Celebrities doing it during lockdown.

Imagine there's no gypsies. No queers too Imagine all the Germans Living's round for you Blot! Yeah so what they do So they think that they're in the fifth sun So what they think's happened

Let's go for the first son Yeah, the first son is Now we're going to commit to this word This is the Nauwai Ocelotl And the god is Tescapataput Tecatelepoca. Tecatelepoca.

And the people are giants. Fair enough. And the sun ends because the giants are eaten by Jaguars. Cool. So it was destroyed when Quetzakotl knocked him from the sky. And in retaliation, Jaguars were released and devoured the people. Quetzoctel is the big bird god, isn't he? He's their big boy, right?

We'll get on to the gods in a second. The second son is the Nauia cattle. and Quetzakotl transforms the people into monkeys. Fair enough. And then this is destroyed by hurricanes and the people turn into monkeys because they disrespect the gods. Fair enough. The third son

is the Noahi There's too many vowels here. They cannot get a handle on, you know, it's five consonants, three vowels. I'll have five from the top, three from the bottom, please, can't. What madman is going, yeah, I'll have six vowels in one consonant. Their god

is Tla-Lock. Yeah. And these people The Aztec countdown is nuts. Aztec countdown is fucked. Rachel Riley's there going, come on, mate. The record's gone on for hours. We're ratchetococol Riley Kiki, wouldn't it? Ratcha Kocko Riley Kiki.

Tlalok, the god of rain, rules this son, and the people displeased him, and he rains fire upon them. So the world enters in volcanic eruptions. The fourth son, people turn into fish. And weirdly, though, they're destroyed by a flood.

That doesn't make sense. If anything, that would have saved them. Anyway, it's all gibberish, really. No, no, they get wiped out by big flood, and the survivors tend to fish. So is this, is each sun basically how they are imagining we have fish and monkeys and fire? I imagine so, yeah, probably. So now they're in the fifth sun, and this is where people... But they only covered, like, three things with that, fish monkeys and fire.

But that's all they can see, they're in, they think the world starts in Mexico. Right. Not even just one part, one, our petrol station in Mexico, that's the whole world. Yeah, but you're sort of talking about them like, they're like ignorant Philistines. Yes. It's like, see the world a bit. guys. It's like they only just started like 15 minutes ago. Well, how

come the Spanish have got ships and steel? I've just explained this. What? Because they because they arrived, they arrived like 15,000 years, maybe 20,000 years later than the Europeans did. The problem is they didn't settle. They weren't sedentary. They were nomads. They kept wandering.

Yeah. But also you don't have put down roots. They're not connected to the Silk Road. Stop renting, but get on the fucking housing. it's a waste of money right right right right anyway and this is the current people who are in the fifth sun and what they need to do to keep the sun rising and falling is they they think the sun rise and falls depended on how much blood they give them yeah so sacrifice is part of their sort of everyday uh it's a ritual to try and make sure the sun cultural it's an event yeah the battle of bosworth day or battle the boin it's in

the google canada right right right kill a guy but it's more just like every weekend isn't it It's like Bank Holiday Monday, we'll do a few, yeah, kill a few people. Just Premier League football. It's just, it's on, they're break for the summer. Super Sunday. Yeah. That's when there's two real big fuckers being sacrificed. Super Sunday.

And I think in 1487, they build this, the Templo Mile or the big temples. Right. And to celebrate opening it, they do a festival of sacrifice. Brilliant. There you go. The Templar Mile, the Great Pyreneur of Tenochit Land, opens in 1487 and includes a large-scale ritual sacrifice with the Aztec sacrificing an estimated 80,400 prisoners over four days. So averaging 15 per minute. But they're going to have some star players, the star sacrifices.

This is where I start to get off the train of cultural relativism. For me, this is just a bit much. They would, they, they, they, they, they rich for your blood. It's a bit rich for my blood to fill this stuff. They, what they do is they drag these people up and and they want the basically the hot of the guy, the fitter the, the, the sacrifice. then the better for the God. So is that in physical fitness? You'd be fine. Is it physical fitness or is it attraction?

Really? Yeah, yeah. So attractive warriors were deemed as good sacrifice to God. Right, right, right, right. So God would be up there going, not that, I'll go. I don't want that, I can't. I want the blood of the fit guy. Yeah.

So, and they also, supposedly, they would sacrifice children to make it rain. Well, you need rain. yeah fair's fair you need because you can't grow any food without rain I mean we're recording this there hasn't been rain for proper rain for about two months and my lotment is starving

the allotment's thirsty and I do have children but that's a last resort yeah it's an absolute last resort I'm not sure we'll give it another week I think it's a contravention of allotment rules I don't think our leisure garden society would

tolerate child sacrifice on the premises Depends how long the drought goes on for them. We do have a big plot though. There is space at the back end. And I know which one I would sacrifice at the minute. Which one? They're the older ones being a real pump, apparently.

Shouldn't you sacrifice herself at the weekend, just ran into the road. Anyway, so they had this big festival. 80,000 in four days. It's nuts. A bank holiday weekend, 15 people killed per minute. Now, are there superstar sacrifices? Like, is it like, oh, he's one of the best, like the pace that the pace that he's sacrificed needs to work at.

Like how many people are sacrificing? There must be like a vet who's just unbelievable they hold the heart out, right? Yeah, and he goes, yeah, yeah. Whaty? And then they chuck the bodies down the steps and these pile of bodies

and supposedly the blood is running thick and far, like a river of blood from the... 80,000, that's a lot of blood. I think now, the podcast I listen to, it starts, at some point, it stops being a ritualistic thing. It starts to become, at some point, Like, right, this is, I'm getting a bit bored of this.

I never thought I'd get bored of seeing a guy's heart cut out. It starts to become a political thing. It starts to basically become a sort of... What was it before? Well, it was just a bit of fun. Oh, right, right. But they start to use it as like a power play to control the other cities. Fair play, I'm fucking terrified.

Fair play to you. They don't have the resources to go and conquer people properly. Yeah. And, like, keep people there. So they invite them over and say... Oh, that's nice. invitation. Come and see what we like to do in this city.

Plus ones, welcome. Plus ones. Bring your family. Bring your friends. Have you got any hot young boys? It hasn't rained for a while. And then they just kill, they have this mass slaughter. And then people go, yeah, I reckon, we'll just give them what they want.

Yeah, fair enough. Gold, is it? And occasionally people. So, hot young things were sacrificed. Raggedy old milths. They didn't want, the gods didn't want them. You're safe of your raggedy old milf. No.

They want a hot young boy. And the festival of Fuck Vars. The festival Go on Plakashi Piwalizkla Tili Right Both Charlie's give it a go

Go on Slakashi Pauwalatesly Oh that's pretty good Go on thick Charlie Tla Kashi Pihuahualazzi Don't put a Mexican accent It's the wrong accent Tlaqashi Palaurelisle

It's held every spring And victims were sacrificed And this is something we haven't talked about Oh spring, what a lovely time of year Oh the buds of May What should we do Why don't we flay that guy's skin and wear it um they started wet they wore their victim's skin right so bear in mind you've got a cut you've got

skin a man with glass because they don't have steel yes so if i had to skin someone at least i'm alive nowadays where we have the blades that you could do it they're using glass yeah like chunky glass um and they then wear the skins so true crime wouldn't really take off in the same way in Ten Ochsler clan like I feel like a Jeffrey Dharma doc it's like Yeah your neighbour's Dharma Yeah I don't understand

That's just Roger what the fuck you're about He wore his victim's skin on his face Yeah it was Tuesday Of course he did So they wore their skins Sometimes inside out There's a there's like a drawing of a guy Or with the labels on the outside

Yeah No it's all the nodules of fat Have become like little bubbles And so it looks like he's in bubble wrap but it's actually a guy's skin inside out. Right. It's a lovely little story, that. Ten horrifying things that would happen to you

in an Aztec flaying ceremony. Well, it's already pretty horrible. Oh, so this is a flaying ceremony. So, yeah, so they tie you to a big stone. It's like a gladiatorial thing. It's tied to a big stone. And then they'd give you some feathers and then you'd have to fight someone

who had a club with charge of glass in it. That's a classic one. They stick a giant straw where your heart used to be. Fucking hell. and then yeah are they drinking it

are they drinking it they make robes out your skin that's a classic they dance with your severed heads they nail your skull to the wall

fucking out they make a stew out of your thigh meat fuck me we do need to talk about the cannibalism yes because this is something

they also do and it's not really ritualistic it's just sort of they like it right they're into it there's no

they weren't short of protein will they not no they had lots of corn legumes tortillas they ate they just

once they kill people sacrifice them and then the the highest parts of the body the best parts of the body would go to the elite society the prime cuts would go to elite society

like sirloin arse right ass is the prime cut is that actually the prime cut of a person yes fat for the Aztecs yeah I used to have a routine

about this years ago but I just I wonder you know how our grandparents now cannot fathom veganism they're like what fuck's this this to-fool nonsense

just two veg no me what the fuck's that I wonder whether will we ever get to a point where we're like those grandads where two generations below us just cannibalism is just a thing and we're like what the fuck

what the fuck is that but in your head you're seeing veganism is on like a slippery slope to cannibalism I think it's morally the same I just wonder if cannibalism will ever like you know we can't

fathom what people see as progress in a hundred years' time. We can't fathom it. Right. In the same way that Victorians would think we are you know, they'd think Nigel Farage is a woke idiot. Yeah, but cannibalism is like what you start with, right? You have to

learn that cannibalism is bad. But we don't know what's going to happen the next one. Which means you'd have to learn it's bad. No, but that's what I mean our instincts. No, because I mean like the beginning of humanity, human societies were cannibalistic. If you look at like tribes from the Amazon, Aztecs, they're cannibalistic. it's a development to learn

to be vegan eventually you know it's not like people started off being like can I have soy milk what happened is they started as vegans because they were bad at hunting and then they couldn't catch things they turned to cannibalism that's an involuntary vegan

which is like an in-cell yeah for veg in veg right ideally be eating meat but I can't but these sluts won't give it to me these slutty pigs won't give me their pig flesh

so I've got to just go on a forum I've got to eat tofu. I fucking hate it. I hate tofu. Involuntary vegans. Yeah, invagues. Nothing more dangerous than an inveig. Because they become cannibals.

Because they go, I need meat. I need protein. Yeah. I feel weak. Yeah. So I'm going to fucking eat my uncle. And I had this routine about like what, if it did become a thing, what would the cuts be?

And I think the prime prime cut is the gooch. I think that's like sushi. Or like sashimi. Well, maybe a fragua sort of... Melt in the mouth. Was French, they'd be good with it. The French would be making caviar up like period eggs. No, but with the gooch, it's a fucking...

It's a dirty little bit of meat, right? No, no, no, no. But it's very tender. It's a... It's something they discover how to make nice. Like port belly used to be just like, bin that. But then about 50 years ago, they just, they went fat. When they realised the flavour was in the fat, they were like, oh...

It's like, oh... It's like, the crown of a chicken is like... Yeah. I think they'd use vaginas would be like oysters. Yeah. and then you'd like, you know, you'd put a lemon in it and then you get a close one, throw it away. What's the kind of the cheap cuts then?

Oh, it's obviously like the foot. Yeah, the heel. Yeah, and then you'd stuff a... Well, heel, you'd make crackling, wouldn't you? Yeah, you'd get a man, you'd get a man like a supermarket chicken like this, and then you'd stuff his cavity with his balls, his dick. You'd beanbung him. Yeah, you would beanbung a man,

and they'd just be there in a supermarket freezer like that, just tied up, beanbonged. And it would say this, this man's been beanbunked for a convenience. So you'd also like in fancy supermarkets, would they have rotissory men? A beanbonged man just on a spike. Marinated. I think, I think the, what's the similar, have you found out what do you mean tastes like? What's it similar to?

A beef. It's got to be like beef. Yeah, beefy. I think it's more gamingy, yeah. I think it's probably close to venison in that it's, it's mainly, it's beef, it's in the beef family. Yeah. But it's on the way. So like a suckling man.

You would have that on like a medieval banquet dinner table. Would you have like an apple in the mouth? I'd probably put a pear in. But a suckling pig is a young, it's a piglet, right? So a suckling man would be like a four-year-old that hasn't stopped breastfeeding. And it's really fat. Well, Mexico's fat as baby. Super Antonia is a size.

No, we get Mexico's fat as baby. We cook him to the point where he looks like a suckling pig. So it's all like the fat's all bursting and ready to like just. Oh, and you put a corn cob in his mouth. And that's a bizarre because he's how he wiped his ass. Well, that's in there anyway.

Yeah, super unto in dinner. And then you can serve it in the middle of a dinner party. Yeah. I don't mind seeing Heston Blumenthal give a human cooking a go. Yeah. Things that he'd be able to do.

Well, before he did. A person inside a person inside a person. Yeah. Well, it would be... Anorexic inside an obese person. You could get Dr. Christian from supervisor, size of a super skinny.

You get him to collab with Heston Blumenthal. you make a sort of naughty's TV revival. Well, you get like Kate Moss inside Lizzo, inside like a Channel 5 documentary. Yeah, yeah. Inside Britain's Fattest Man. Yeah, yeah. And then you'd serve it on a winch,

and then you slice them all open. And they're all different, yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, the meat would get, I guess. You know, the more we talk about it, the more I can understand how you can maybe fall into cannibalism. Do you know what?

I think the Aztecs were on to something. I'm truly shot, but the 80,000 and four days. Staggering. Even with my research, I did not find that. That is crazy. And would they eat, would they eat any of the ones that they sacrificed, Charlie? Look, Charlie's just tenderly looking at the other Charlie. So, yeah, they would, they would eat, like, some of the people.

But, so it was religious, it was like a religious ritual as well as some historians argue there was protein deficiency in their diet and they made up for it by eating human flesh. I feel that's probably the case, because you said, like, legumes and corn. Like, that's not. Well, this is my point. That's not pumping you are. No, but this is my point, if you are vegan and you're looking at your, you know, this is your third helping of legumes today,

and then you look at some fat boy and you think, oh, do you know what? That Super Antonio is looking quite juicy today. Well, yeah, it's sort of like in those, was it in like Madagascar when the lion's hungry and the person turned into a slab of meat because he's so hungry. That's what happens to the veg

when they don't get meat enough that you suddenly start looking like a fucking hot piece of ass. You're in the free from aisle, and then you're looking over at some fat woman with four kids, you think, stuff those four kids inside that fat woman put that on a tray

right anyway so nobles and priests would perform auto sacrifice oh fuck we haven't even got to this so a big thing that as a show of strength that the Aztecs would do is to get like a cactus thorn

and just slice their dick open and just let some blood out and then be like yeah what do you think of that I'm fucking mad me Is that when someone challenges you, is it when someone disrespects you and you show, do you just go, oh yeah, do you think I'm a pussy? Yeah, it's literally in a pub, you're not someone's pint over, you're going to buy me another one? No, right.

I've just caught my dick open. Fair enough. What do you think of that? And you'd be like, yeah, fair play, I don't want to do that, I'll buy a pint. Autosacrifice, what's that? That's that. That's cutting, penis, piercing your penis with obsidian, bone needles or stingray spines. But that's not auto sacrifice.

Autosacrifice of suicide, is it not? No, because you can give a blood sacrifice, can't you? That's not. That's just some blood. When you give blood? It's quite funny to give blood. When you give blood to just give blood? Is that an auto sacrifice?

Yeah, that's what I call it. Right, fair enough. Can I have a biscuit for auto-sacrificing myself? It's quite funny to kill yourself and call it an auto-sacrifice. No, I'm not killing myself. I'm sacrificing myself. Oh, okay, so it's not, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Yeah, it's cutting yourself.

I didn't know that, all right? So self-harming is auto-sacrifice. Yeah, I don't want to glorify this. We have a lot of young listeners Although thankfully It hasn't rained in a while We don't have it hasn't rained in a while So Emo's get to it

Listen If you're watching Clarkson's farm You know British farming is in a state Yeah and do you know what If you look at it Look at the demise of the emoes In popular culture And then now look at the

You know the globe's warming up Yes Because there's not enough people listening To blink 182 and self-harming Greta It's not fossil fuels It's that your kids aren't killing themselves

You haven't here first. Now, young priest trainees were drowned by being dragged through water by their hair whilst being beaten. If they misbehaved. If they misbehaved. Right. Okay. So that sentence is structured. Quite strangely.

And if they were poor swimmers, their parents could bribe the priests with turkeys. So there are lots of turkeys in Mexico. Yes. There's turkeys fucking everywhere. Yeah. Which, when you think of, I mean, get a picture up of a turkey. They're pretty fucked. They're fucked to look at.

Big, big horrible turkey. Yeah. Like, they're completely mad. There's no such thing as a relaxed turkey, right? No. They're fucking mental. There's not one turkey who's ever had a day off. Yeah, so their turkeys are native to Mexico.

So the wild turkey is just going, I mean, you know, when the Europeans arrive, they must be like, fuck that. What is that? It's like a dinosaur chicken with a peacock. What earth's going on? Fucking, I want to eat that. So it's Christmas every day in Mexico, right? It's Christmas every day.

But they're not eating turkeys. They're eating big babies. so this is interesting so some of the sacrifices would be to specific gods and they would dress someone up as one of the gods to be sacrificed

and before for the year before they were sacrificed as this to this god dressed as this god they would be treated like a god so they would basically just be given like women for... They would get women to fuck

they live in a temple they live like the top of the temple they'll have sick clothes so they know they're about to get sacrificed yeah they're all right So it's not like, this is fucking brilliant. I'm glad. I've done really well out of life.

No, they are basically like the deal with the devil you do is that you're like, okay, I'm going to be sacrificed in a year's time. But for the next year, I'm going to go out partying. To be fair, life is so fucking shit. Would you just take one good year? Yeah. Over your shit life. Yeah.

Because life then is rubbish. Is it? I mean, you get to watch some pretty fucking wild stuff. But it could be you so easily. No, not you. No, not, no, no. This is what's funny about it. You're a punter.

I'm a punter. Pint. Pint snacks. What the fuck's going on over there? Fucking hell. 80,000 in a four-day weekend. I imagine there's loads of pyramids, right? You're at one pyramid and then you hear that there's another stage setting off.

You're running. You've got a pie in your mouth. Oh, fuck. Oh, we're going to miss him. Oh, shit. So, yeah, because what they did, right, is they start to realize that they need that they need to realize that they need to sacrifice people for the sun to come up, but they don't want to sacrifice their own kids. So what's quite funny is that they then take, they start this

sort of, they fight wars. And there's this other region that they basically just like rape and pillage constantly to get people to sacrifice. So there's a sort of nimbism to sacrificing, which is quite funny. Not in my backyard. I'm not having, not, not my own kids. Right. Anyway. So by 1519, which is as we've discussed, is after the, uh, Slipper is invented, and it's before the broke. Which was one of the widest births I've given for a while. 10,000 years of history.

Perfectly placed. By 1519, the Aztecs have this empire crowned by this beautiful floating city, covered in dead bodies, bloods and fingerbones because they're eating everyone.

And the emperor, emperor is a guy called Montezuma. Is it Moctezuma or Montezuma? It sort of looks like a... Yeah. Monty. Monty. This is Monty. Monty. Monty. Monty rules over six million people. That sounds like quite a big number. I'd probably say it's a bit less than that. Yeah. It does see it because I've seen this many times this number and it just doesn't seem to work. Six million so many people. It probably could be six million people because of how wide the amount of people who are just little bitches to them. Yes. Yeah. So by 1519, this beautiful floating city, this garden city, this big shimmering petrol station in the middle of the lake. 100,000 people live there, it seems utterly invincible. In the world that they live in, they are top dogs, alpha-chat.

Because they're thick. Then Montezuma, he hears of some strange bearded men riding huge, fat deer who belch fire and thunder, galloping towards him on his easternmost provinces. The Spanish have arrived. That was the most weak trail for the next episode of the Spanish have arrived. and if you'd like to the Spanish are rocked up okay if you'd like to hear

the next episode and the rest of the five episodes you're in luck you're in luck they're already on our Patreon or as the Aztecs would call it the

with three pounds a month you can become a truth and get access to every episode in one go as well as a bonus episode every Friday but either way we will see you next time

for the continuation of this story This great story of the noble Spaniards saving cannibals from themselves. See you next time. And adios. Or to sacrifice yourself.