Fin vs History - Hindu Mussolini’s Vulva Envy | Mahatma Gandhi (Part 3/4)

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

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Every Olympic dream starts somewhere. At first, it's just potential. But over time with the right support and a few breakthroughs, it becomes something more. Make RBC Training Ground your breakthrough moment. Start your journey to Team Canada today at rbc trainingground.ca. Welcome back, Piggos. It's part three of our Gandhi epic.

I'm with the ratio of goals. Bloody hell. Oh, fucking hell. It came out of the hand funny. He's gone for it. He's gone for it. He's done a big old Indian Googling. Bloody bastard.

Part three. you think we're safe in part three. Buried. Buried. Who's got part one and part two? They go, oh, that's fucking hell. What's that? No, turn that off.

Turn that off. Not for me. We are in India, though. We're back in India. Gandhi's been in South Africa in the 1890s, and he's a product of that time and place. It's the 90s.

It's the 90s. It's a different time. Different time. There was no phones. You know, Blair, I optimism. Social media. The optimism, the 90s. The end of history.

The 1890s. You know? So Gandhi returns to India, having spent 21 years in South Africa, having supported the British in the Boer War. And you understandy Gandhi at this point? I understand he Gandhi. Gandhi very handy. Yeah.

Gandhi very Randy. Yeah. Gandhi not on Mandy. Now, he's involved in the Boer War, the Zulu uprisings and a minor strike. And he has developed his Satyagadha philosophy. Truth Force. Right. That sounds like a Russell brand, like, live stream.

the long road to Russell Brand. It is. He's a bit of a Gandhi. Sexually pervy guy in a fucking bath towel. Russell Brand could have done with a lot more semen retention. Yes, that's true. But anyway, back to fucking Russell Bindi. Gandhi returns to India in

1915 and he is now engaged in resistance against the British. Anakin has become Darth Vader. He's been corrupted. He has. He begins. when he joins the Indian National Congress,

which is the leading political party for Indian independence, because... But this is during the war, this is Ireland trying to get into... Everyone's now... Now that we're busy... It's just... Can you just wait till we're finished? Guys. All of you.

All of you. This is not the time. At our weakest, they try to take advantage of us. I know, it's terrible. It's terrible. As I said, they're the empire in Star Wars, and we're... The Brave Rebel.

The British Empire are the Brave Rebels. The Death Star of the Irish Independence Movement... The brave soldiers who shot of the Easter Rising is there, the Ewks and the X-Wings. I love Star Wars. What a great franchise. Yeah, it's brilliant. World War I, Gandhi attempts, again, he's still on our side at this point.

Gandhi attempts to recruit non-combatants to join the British forces during World War I. He wants to show the British Empire that young Indians can show their capability to self-govern. It's an error to do that. You're wrong, Gandhi? It's not how colonialism works. okay we will use you as your expedient yeah so because from the British perspective if if they're like what's like brilliant they're helping us handy gandy until you're not handy gandy yeah exactly yeah so his friends are not impressed with this though with one

writing I was struck to the heart this morning with sorrow to see that you and other Indian friends had offered to serve the English government in this evil war in any way they might demand of you surely you who would not take up arms even in the cause of your own oppressed people cannot be willing to shed blood in this wicked cause And again, it's his contradiction. He's non-violent, and yet he's getting involved. Yeah. But he's doing ambulance ship.

Yeah. He's sort of like a war cuck. Go on. Isn't he? He's not getting involved, but he's sort of... He's there. He's there. He's watching.

I just want to watch you. No, no, no. I wouldn't be involved. No, no, no, please, please. You go ahead, though. So he's standing on the sidelines watching the people fight. Yeah. And yes, I suppose he's...

Is he gaining some sort of spiritual power? Well, it's all very consistent. I guess the cuck's semen of retention, isn't it? It's all consistent. Well, the cuck masturbates. Not always. The self-controlled cuck, sometimes there's a level.

Well, I suppose, actually, as we'll get to the next episode, Gandhi would test himself by watching. What did you just flick across the screen there, Charlie? I was just thinking if he ever said, did he say, I'm non-violent? Because you took away so quickly, and it's rare for you to do that.

So can you bring that back up, please? Makes me think it's something absolutely abhorrent. It's not actually. Oh, that's why you probably took away so quickly. This is a good search. I need to get that away immediately. Well, is it non-violent or violent, nad? Sorry.

Say that again. I'm non-violent, or did he actually mean I'm violent, nah? Well, I imagine he could have said it like that. But maybe that's gone like this. I'm super violent on opposite day. That's what I mean. Right. Well, maybe, yeah, I guess maybe if Gandhi saw it permanently being opposite day.

Oh, well, it's a war? Brilliant. I'm really violent. Nah. And we've translated it as non-violent. Yes. Well, it's easy to, yeah. It's the same thing.

It's how English works, isn't it? Nat. That's how Borat speaks. Well, they still achieve the same end. It's just a different mode of communication. Go on. Mahatma Borat-Andi. Mahatma Bharani.

My wife. I hate my wife. I hate my wife. I do not fuck my wife. Well, do not to fuck my wife. Well, we'll get him to Mahatma and the Jews next episode. But yeah, no, it's not, he's non-violent. not violent

nah well he could do that yeah he could do that yeah I'll fight with the one nah he's not he's not he's not a laugh though

no sorry he's a laugh nah yeah I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna go over wank later nah yeah it's a lot of that really isn't it

anything that someone normally would do he does it and then goes nah yeah he's not he's not he's not

he's not bantering about it no he was well you there's him there was the video he's like

he's like he's he's not allowed to come right you'll never get this that to himself yeah do you remember

that. You'll never get this. Yeah. What do you mean you remember this? From the film. Do you remember when Borat's like, You'll never get this?

He's preventing from somebody from shagging their sister or something. Oh, sorry, right. And he's wanking, I thought, because you're such a sexual freak, I thought you masturbate in the mirror by going, you're never going to get this. You do masturbate the mirror though, Charlie.

No, I don't. I have done to see what it looks like and it looks horrible. Yeah. And now I do it on the bed. But I imagine you talk to yourself going, you're never going to get this. You're not going to get this.

You're not deserve this. You're disgusting. Yeah. You're mugging yourself. You're wank mogging yourself. Am I using that right? I'm having a conversation. Sorry?

I'm having a conversation. It's a dialogue. Sorry, it's a dialogue. Of course, it's a dialogue. He believes every wank is a dialogue. It's not a moral log. You get to know yourself. And you grow.

With every single wank you grow. So, that's Gandy's philosophy. With every wank you grow. Gandhi believes that Indians could not choose to refuse service to the motherland, the empire. They had to contribute. to the defence of the empire to legitimise their plight to then leave its rule.

Kind of makes sense. But he's actively avoiding discussions of home rule with political parties. And all his focus is on the war effort. However, Gandhi concedes that he fails to recruit a single combatant. So again, when it's stuff like being a lawyer or actually trying to, you know,

he's a bit shit. Like it's that thing we said last episode, he opens his mouth. And it's like, are you actually just a bit of, He's a silent guy. He's a silent guy. A strong silent type. Yep.

Or rather a weak, wankless. He's kind of silent and annoying, which is a kind of rare combination. Very rare. It's loud and annoying, right? Punchable face. Yeah. The silent, annoying, man. That's a rare, unique character.

They aren't rare, but sometimes you see people on the street and you go, fuck, I don't know why, but I fucking hate you. I'd cross the street to punch you. Yeah. Don't stare at me like that. Sorry. No, I think like I wouldn't piss you. It's Beethoven's brother. I wouldn't piss on you if you're on fire.

That's Gandhi after saying he's going to join the war effort. Yeah. That's when he's going to use violence in a war. Nah. Nah. That's Gandhi after it was like, ask me where I was when my dad died. Fucking railing a 15-year-old. So guilty, mate.

Yeah. Oh, I feel so much fucking pissy I was going. I feel so guilty, Nat. So he tries to recruit for World War I. And then we get to these two satiragraha. Champaran and Armadabad. Now, is Champaran the name of that filthy novel? My wife reads.

What's that? That filthy fucking sex book that's got like a... Chaperan. What's the sex book called? All the women read with the fairies and all the bollocks. Court of Thfallen Roses? There's that one. There's another one.

There's another big Indian book that actually might have anything to do with sex. Women are actually very similar to Gandhi. Gone. In that they read horny fiction, but then don't... You try. right on. They go, what are you doing? I'm reading. You're not reading. God.

You're basically masturbating. You're asking for it. You're masturbating. Reading that in public on the tree, but I don't know you. You're asking for it. Yeah, they read horny books. Anyway, one of them might be called Champoran. No, I'm thinking of Santharam. Maybe it's not horny. I don't know. Women's fiction just remains a mystery to me. Fiction remains a mystery. Get me into the military history section of a Waterstones. It's not Mark Ramprakash, Charlie. I know who that is. Champaran Satyara

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Keep your data safe and see you next time. Now, dye was being made artificially in Germany and therefore was obsolete for farmers to grow. However, during the war, German dye production falls through the floor. so the Britons then make, they force the Indians to grow it. So Gandhi goes to meet the farmers.

They, that angers the cloning authorities who immediately demand that he gets deported. And then Gandhi defies the order, speaks to over 8,000 people. And he concludes the farmers. Very quietly, though. Whisper on the mount. He concludes the farmers are ignorant

to their own economic worth and sets up organisations to improve conditions. And then they start this new committee. And anyway, there's a champ-er-ant, Agrarian Bill is introduced thanks to the protest. So again, I mean, it's, yes, it's pretty dry stuff. This is fibrous. Come on.

Okay, we've started part three. Are we at the fiber bit yet? Hey? We're not at the fiber bit yet. No, no, calm down. We're not that bit. Look, the problem with Gandhi is that what he's known for, right? What most people know him for is actually very, very boring and annoying.

He's a little annoying wanker. But you get past the servers and he's an absolute friction. Which is not boring. No. far from it. It's the opposite of boring. But we have to deal with what he actually did why people know why he's on the fucking bank note is because he was a snotty little wank. Well, he wasn't a snobby. He was. He was a swank resistor. Yeah, yeah. He wasn't, he was a wanker. He wasn't even wanking. He was a prick. He was a prick.

Gandhi is a sort of professional prick, but we have to deal with him being a prickish. Yeah. In order to get to the good stuff where he's, you know. Got to dig through. We've got to dig through, right? So in Armadabad in 1918, there was a mill strike. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, mill strike. Ladies. The workers were forced to work under bad conditions.

There'd been a plague. And then in 1917, and they got a plague bonus. 75% was added onto their wages to persuade them to stay and work through the plague. Yeah. Just work through it. Work through it. When the plagues subsides the mill. So treating the plague like man flu.

Yes. Or imagine COVID whether he's like I was just going to pay you more to keep working anyway the mill owners tried to remove the bonus after the plague

but then the workers tried to fight back blah blah blah Gandhi protests and he demands 35% pay increase only an eight hour work day rather than a 15 one

that's work nonsense anyway the mill owners don't respond so Gandhi calls for a non-violent strike 100,000 labourers picket the mill

the British administration gives in and offers the workers a pay rise. And so again, Gandhi is showing that not listening pays dividends. For the Brits, this is going out of control.

If you give the kids an inch, they'll take a mile. Discipline. Where's the discipline gone in the house? So we get to the Roller Act of March 1919. This is discipline. This authorises the imprisonment of anyone suspected of terrorism in India

for two years without trial. Yeah. Okay? Straight to bet. And I think it's now suspicious if you're doing semen retention. If I was the British Empire, I'd be like anyone who else is joining in this, this quiet protest should be sectioned under the Terrorism Act. Yes.

Because that's, you cannot be, that's gearing up for war. Yeah, why are you holding onto it? Yeah, so you better get that out right now. Let me have some. At gunpoint, I'll be making them all drain it out so that Indians at their weakest. Because then the horniness is out. But that's a bit like the IRA handing in all the, weapons in the 90s,

isn't it? Having like a gun amnesty. Everyone just drain. Yeah, drain. Drain your milk yourself now. Yeah. You're too powerful otherwise. I mean,

Enoch Powell called it the rivers of blood. Really it's the rivers have come. Yeah. It's draining out. But then the life force of India draining with much cam. The river,

the banks of the river tiger. But then what would you, what would be Google, Charlie? If all eight billion people moaned at the same time. The sound would not be a singular definitely explosion.

but it would be exceptionally loud, likely comparable to a heavy thunderstorm or a very noisy football stadiums. It would be like the new camp, but everyone's coming. Right. You wonder if a quiet moment if everyone did it, would it have any sort of effect? If we were just like, ah. 8 billion people going, ah.

But then you can only hear what's around you, can't you? Yeah. I mean, we'd probably hear... You'd hear it up north. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you hear what up north? You'd hear it up north.

Right. If everyone could. I don't know. Anyway, so the roll attack, listen, we're about to get some good stuff. Yeah. Okay. It's true. Look, stay with me.

Gandhi's being a prick in India. He's being snide. He's being, I'm actually, I'm not going to listen to you. I think I know better than you, all that stuff. Right. But then with the roll attack, Gandhi realizes that Britain see Indians as a threat. And so he leads nationwide protests against it. And now we get to one of the defining boo-boos of the British Empire.

Yeah. The Amritsar massacre. April 13th, 1919. Let's place this. This is a week before Hitler's 30th birthday. Oh, that's, he probably was feeling quite like weird before a week before his 30th. Well, he's like, he's an adult, you know. God, I'm ready to start adulting now?

Should I, you know, I'm writing books? in prison is this what I'm going to be doing? Yeah, exactly. Like all my kids are, all my friends are having kids, getting married. What am I doing? You know, I can't even fucking, I can't even.

It's like you just turned. So Hitler's Charlie's age. Yes, Hitler is Charlie's age. And Charlie, you feel a big turn since 30 the way that people maybe perceive you. Maybe, yeah, I've got, I've, I've decided I want to make a change. I want to, I want to, I want to.

It seems to be making much of a change. What change if you decided to make? Because you worked on a mass of a bender all weekend. Yeah, I mean, I want to do more of that. and um yeah okay should put in the foot on the gas actually yeah

yeah I'm having a kind of a 30 man crisis right is that normal yeah I think so I mean Hitler it depends if you think it's a crisis

or not or a moment of clarity yeah a profound moment of clarity Hitler just took some you shut out the noise and thought what was really going on he cut through the crap

and he just started he went you know what I'm going to change things around here um It's dangerous. It's dangerous when they have moments of clarity when he hit 30. He isn't a creative,

artistic guy like you? He was, and he also had a failed artistic career. Yeah, of course. I mean, you've got an album on Spotify? How many monthly listeners do you have? Four. You got an album to Spotify?

Yeah, it's called Sponsor Walk. Right. Is it a poetry? Is it rapping? No, it's music, it's proper. It's proper music, yeah. When did that go up there? That went off about three years ago.

Wow. There's a Spanish song, there's a... So about the same time as you stopped throwing shit in the toilet from the shower, you've released an album on Spotify? Yeah. I need to channel stuff differently. Yeah. Well, that makes a lot of express.

Please listen. You got Express. Yeah. Do you want people to listen? I'd love that, yeah. Link it. How many tracks? Ten tracks.

One of them's based on my experience at Pure Jim St. Paul's. That's the best one, I think. Charlie, I'm Charlie from the site. Do you give some lyrics? Do you want to? How you doing all you're right? My name is Charlie and I will not bite. How you doing, all you're right?

It's Charlie from the site, site, site. So, what's going on upstairs? How are the cogs? Are they spinning? like nobody's business or are they feeling a little slow, a bit rusty, or maybe they're nice and calm, just right. See, the key as far as I can tell is to do things that make you feel like you're helping yourself, a general sense of progress of all forms of caution. Caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. So love yourself and love your companions.

So this is where Hitler's sort of at, you know, he's transitioning from this failed career doing that and now he's making a real turn into the politics. He's writing a book. He's the same thing, isn't it? Hitler rights. Sponsed walk. Yeah, Mind Kampf. Sponsorke.

Anyway, look, the Amheritsa massacre is in 1990. So to place this, it's a week of Hitler's 30th, but we've dealt with that. It is, it's after the Treaty of Versailles.

Yes, that's only just happened. And it is before I completed Pokemon on Game Boy at Versailles Palace when I was a eight-year-old. Really? Yeah.

School trip, took my Game Boy, nailed it. Did you finish it while you're in the palace? Yeah. So you were like, this French shit is boring as hell. Yeah, I was like, fuck this. I just completed Pokemon Game Boy.

And I was fat, I was in France. And I obviously hated France. So I was like, fuck this. I got a Game Boy, Pokemon. You know, the visceral memories of just having the best time ever. On the Eurostar, it's like, was I eight, maybe I was 10.

Maybe it was 10, something like that. Playing Game Boy, I think it just does not get about it. It doesn't get better. Yeah. And then we arrived in France. I was like, I was right. It does not get better.

It just gets worse. Yeah. God, the Gameboys, never, Gameboys were the best. They were. There was an innocence to the game. That felt like a kind of golden age of gaming

because now it's just too hyper real, you know. It's all it's now, it's insane. It's too much. You know, you couldn't, if you were playing Game Boy and you had a headset on and you were like screaming the N-word. It wasn't,

you know, there wasn't licensed to do that. You know, you weren't being sort of insanely racist playing Game Boy by yourself. right anyway so the Amaritan massacre is look it's sort of

it's bloody Sunday for the Indians in a way yeah for the numbers are quite a bit bigger than the bloody Sunday well India's a bigger place it's proportionally it's bigger so look there's thousands

allegedly are gathered for a Punjabi festival in a public garden in Amritsar some doubt on those numbers though Punjabi it's not Punjabi it's not Punjabi mc Jaldi before you ask no Punjabi

No Pumjabby. But yes, Punjabi. This is quite serious weapons, Charlie. Oh, right. Do you know what this is? No. No, okay. The word massacre may do some heavy lifting there.

Didn't hear that. Didn't touch the size. Okay. So, thousands are gathered for a festival in a public garden in Amrits are. They are peacefully protesting the roll attack. And the garden is crucially surrounded by high walls. And there's one narrow exit, which Brigadier General Reginald Dyer. A trustworthy man.

A trustworthy man? A good man. a friend of the pod. A responsible man. A good decision maker. Finally an adult's arrived. He arrives with 50 troops. First thing,

we'll block the exit. And then without warning, he just says open fire and they all start shooting until they run out of ammunition. He was decisive. He acted robustly indecisive. I mean, you've got to be able to make decisions.

You've got to give it to him. That was a decisive decision. Look at him. Look at this guy. He looks exactly how you think he would. A strong jaw, a big tash, not a hint of

conscience on him. He sleeps like a baby. He falls asleep. As soon as the Amazon, on the day of the Amitya mask, oh, anyway, night out. Yeah. Yeah.

He, yeah, so they just fire all the ammunition. To escape the bullets, people jumped into a well where they drowned or get crushed. Well, you can't blame him for that. No, that is, that's silly. Don't do that. That's dangerous.

And that's a coincidence. He can't be taken responsibility for the, the jumpers. Look, some people were murdered. Some people just killed themselves but were going into a well. Now, the Indian estimates say that a thousand people died.

Official figures, though, says that it was only 379 deaths. Yeah. Amritsa cause deniers, basically. Amritsa course, yeah, exactly. Well, there's two sets of figures. You can choose which ones make more sense. To this day, I don't believe

the British government has ever apologized. Should we apologize? As representatives. Yeah. Of the Amritzana. Are we sorry? Are you sorry? Uh, I, no one I, no one I,

I linked to was involved. Yeah. So. It's not our responsibility. No. Not our circus, not our monkeys. That's my view on him.

Yeah. Um, not my circus, not my monkeys. Queen Elizabeth II and David Cameron expressed deep regret. That's not an apology. No.

Did they regret how few people they killed? I'm sorry that you took offense. Uh-huh. To our response. How much do the Indians care about? Um, they're in Ritz of massacre. Is it a big?

Because that's one of the big As you're saying there was the They tried to kill the queen in 2021 Someone Who did? An intruder broke into Windsor Castle In 2021 And citing the massacre as a motive

For an attempt to assassination of the queen So were they Indian? Or they just You'd hope so You'd hope so When we talked about the Irish Having like four members of the band Of Colonial atrocities

Bloody Sunday The Famine Cromwell India sort of have that And this is one of the pillars There was the Jaipur uprising when that was There's the one that happened in 1857 Jaipur

Jaipur one out For all the people that died Yeah There's a couple but we don't get told about them So I don't really know The five pillars of empire The Amritsa massacre definitely does not come up ever In any sort of

No no one brings it up It's under here Under the rug Keep that under there General Reginaldaya becomes known as the butcher of Amritsar and he enforces the... Which is very rude because butchers are untouchables, right? Yes, it's a, you know, the car system.

It's a deep insult to call him a butcher. It's like saying he's a poo handler. Yeah. The sewage worker of Amritsar. He enforces the crawling order, which means he makes Indian men crawl like snakes through a narrow street where a female British missionary had been assaulted.

He shows no remorse. stating he intended to produce a quote moral effect he was eventually censured That mustache is just no remorse No it's no remorse yeah I mean you're getting closer No I know Mustache

No remorse Yeah Do this podcast no remorse no No Never back down Never surrender I'd do it again I do stop because I ran out of bullets

Fuck off He was eventually censored by a committee And he was hailed as a hero By the House of Lords Right Well that's probably And they raised a 26,000 pounds Defense Fund for him

Right Well that's sort Take me back to an age where you could gun down unarmed civilians and then the British government would start to go fund to me for your legal defence. He's a hero. That's an empire man, that is. Gandhi, however, I mean, you can imagine what he thinks about this. Diarism is not the real seat of the disease, only the symptom.

The real disease is the belief that the British can do no wrong. So he's already losing his head at this point. He's losing his marbles at this point. Gandhi's gone cuckoo. Now, when's the thing that, like a bomb in a, they set fire to people, don't they? That's Vietnam, right? No, no. This is a day after the Amritsar massacre, also in the Punjab region.

There's the Gurjan Waller bombings. This is after the arrest of local leaders. There are protests that break out in Grujan Waller, and they burn a railway station. and then the British send in three RAF planes and drop bombs and fire machine guns into the town. They drop a bomb on a school

and the British Secretary of State for India defended the use of planes saying it was a military necessity to disperse bombs. But would you not agree that Britain has a right to defend itself? Britain has a right to exist and a right to defend itself. Okay. I don't know why we only say Israel has that right? We all have that right to exist.

we have a right to drop a vomowner school that's our right enthrined in the constitution yeah are you anti-british are you being anti-britic oh so I don't have a right to exist oh well thank you I'm sorry that me taking up space

offends you yeah fatist yeah Israel's essentially a really really touchy fat woman saying why should I pay for two oh I'm sorry two I'm sorry

two I'm sorry to pay for two seats really oh should I have to pay for two seats you're sitting on a five foot two man. He can't breathe. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, why aren't the seats bigger? Why isn't my plane bigger? For me? Anyway, yeah, look, it's the Brits turn up the heat in India after World War I because we've been busy actually. It's less of a laugh, I think. Yeah, no, it's not as funny. The Empire is getting less of a laugh.

The golden days are over. After World War I, it starts getting a bit. Raj Corps has ended. Raj Kaur, you'd say, is 1857 until... Maybe World War I? 907, 1910. Yeah. The Indians are no longer listening

to the men in big shorts telling them off. It's all falling apart. It's gone to shit, okay? So the non-cooperation movement now begins, we get into Gandhi in the 20s. He blames himself for the violence.

All's got to make it about him. Yeah, that's a bit pious, is it a bit pious. Oh, it was my fault. All right, they're sending you to jail then. Let's, yeah. Dad died because I wasn't there because I was fucking, I was fucking,

What are you doing during the Amritsa massacre? Oh, fucking Rayleigh a 15-year-old. Gandy, you fought at this point. That's not cool. That's not cool. I'm just pregnant, yeah. Oh, ooh! You know what Gandhi was like?

So he blamed himself for the violence because he had called for protests. And he goes, I have made a Himalayan blunder. I don't suck the Himalayan's off. Yeah, leave them out of it. I've also had several Himalayan blunders, actually. Is that your piles? No, that's how you called me?

No, there's me ordering a phial when I'm... I think I'll handle it. That's when I'm at my most toxic masculine. It's me in a curry house going, fuck it, hell of a Vindaloo, watch me. And then I just... It's just no... Collapse.

The next morning, I'm just on the toilet, hugging it. Not worth it. Someone going through internet search history. Wife going through internet search history. Sweat. Just, yeah. It's that photo of the guy from Chernobyl.

My wife is my internet search history. I know, no, because I haven't got a skin, you know, if you're going through my search history, I've not got a skin. So he says, I've made a Himalayan blunder in calling upon the people to embark upon civil disobedience before they had qualified themselves for it. So he's been quite patronising to his own people there, I suppose. But the Punjab atrocities become the primary justification for Gandhi's first massive movement non-cooperation.

He says cooperation with the government is a sin. Terrorist. He's a terrorist. Mahatma bin Laden. So he, by the way, having joined the International Congress is full of like educated Oxbridge, British people. Right.

And he is the one that sort of turns it into a mass movement. He's sort of Corbyn. Okay. Yeah. So he convinces the Congress that Swaraj or self-rule is the only path forward. So he, then organizes a mass movement that boycotts British goods.

This is one of the big parts of his holy rules, right? There's nine rules for life. Be good, don't steal, love your mother, boycott imported goods from Britain. Don't come. Don't, when your dad's dying, don't fucking rail a 15 year old, by the way. Do you remember I did that? But I did that. I did that.

I was sick. Don't eat, only eat cheese, whatever else is. Anyway, mass non-violent strikes. Only purchase Indian goods. See, he's a national socialist in a way. I'm listening. I'm listening. There's a level of the net.

They've got the same symbol, do they not? Yes. Ooh. So the practice of self-reliance through production, this starts to get quite costly for the British. English businesses would buy raw cotton cheaply from India, then process it in the UK and sell it back to India at an inflated price. Lovely stuff.

Terrific business. Smart. Brilliant. But this stops entirely. It's just a shame. textile boycott really is this where we are it's all pretty grim this stuff this stuff is very but this is all this is the problem with Gandhi

is that what he's known for is very very very very dull he's just fucking walking and yeah he's Indian Lenin now as you said the current Indian government friend of the pod Nyandramodi is a Hindu nationalist yep and it's the we're in the age of the strong man Yes, yes. So especially if you're leading a country as big as India, you can't be,

I guess the 2010s, it was like, we should all be like Jacinda Arden. Yes. And it's all about like the real leader is, oh no, you can ever, you actually can have a baby and be in prime.

and yeah, of a country that small. Yeah. But she quit. Yeah, couldn't even do that. Try being a fucking prime minister of an actual country and having a baby.

There's that great Carl Donnelly bit about like, you know, everyone says how great, a job she's doing compared to Boris jumps, but to be fair, they're very different jobs. Four million of the loveliest people in the world compared to 70 million cuss.

They're different jobs. They are different jobs. Of course you can be nice in New Zealand. Yeah. It's the same people who have like kids but they have like three paid nannies. Like God, yeah, I don't know what everyone complains about. Yes, you've got three paid nannies.

We've got some of the worst people on earth here. Yeah, yeah. We're a nation of cunts. She's seen, she had very much the substitute teacher you could make cry energy. yes and I think that's a peacetime luxury

I made a lot of substitute teachers cry or teaching assistants teaching assistants French teaching assistants yeah they have one day

and it's like 20 minutes in there was one French teaching assistant who had who had cartoon cross eyes and I just could not resist what are you doing

whenever she'd turn her back I'd be like that and it was killing yeah and then she'd look at me and I go we always used to look over our heads when she was looking at us like well

and there's just a window behind. Oh, you're talking to the window? And, um, yeah, she, she hated it. Yeah. Sounds quite tough. For her?

Yeah. Well, I can't get out of the kitchen. You can't stand there. You're teaching it a fucking boy school. Teaching a snotty little 15 year olds, French. Call her out down the barrel. I can't remember your name.

I can remember your eyes, though. And they were clapped. And I'd do it again if I saw you. I'd look like, oh, where are you looking? If you were looking. If you were in a BAFTA, I think you should use your speech to slag off the subject. Want to know the real story of how Oasis made Britain mad for it?

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It's not even that you didn't believe in me. Actually, you're very encouraging, but you did have cross-eyes, so you go, fuck-seye. I don't even remember you? Remember, you're crying again. Thanks to the Academy. No, I've been the audience going, cross-eyed, cross-eyed, cross-eyed, while someone was getting a reward for something, I don't know. and then someone would lose their job

because they didn't edit it out. But yes. Gandy, I guess if he'd been born in the 2010s would be non-binary or non-bindery. I guess. Non-bargery.

He was he was non-onium bargerie. Shocking. Shocking. Yeah. Gender neutral Tick of Masters. Awful.

shocking. Right. Yeah. I think he felt like gender was a performance and that he was sort of fluid. He was going between both. He frequently disguised himself

as being half a woman and he had something that was known as vulva envy. Christ. Which you don't hear about that often. No. Because it's penis envy, which all women have.

Famously. And the reason why women are so upset and angry all the time because they're livid. They drew the very short, of having a clitoris as opposed to a big penis. Is there a shorter straw? Well.

Oh, it's a fucking clit. Oh, brilliant. I've got a hole. Oh, and you've got a massive big cock deal. You've got a big hose. I've got a hole. Yeah. So it's a rare thing to add the vulva envy.

Well, this is I suppose, is not the Oedipus complex. What was the other one called? Edipum. Not the Oedipum complex. What's the Electra Complex, which is the rare cousin of the Oedipus complex? So, yeah, so VOLVA envy, which means that what, he wants to, what does that even, how does that manifest? His experiments with Brahamachara celibacy and Ahemisa. Hamza, Amsa.

Ahemsa. No. Amsa. He was trying to adopt what he can see in feminine virtues. Patience, gentleness and self-sacrifice. And now I guess what's quite fun is I guess at school we learned like Gandhi, Mandela, Martin Luther King, suffragettes. So these were actually such a huge part of our moral education. Not my school.

We probably went listening. You were saying, Ooi, cross-ey-olds. What are you looking? What are you looking, love? What's got over there? What is it, Charlie? Do you never get, like, any sense of vulvar envy at all?

Like, even, like, half an hour's worth, it would be nice to be a girl for like... Half an hour? It'd be nice to be a girl for a bit sometimes. What, a whole episode of Friends? You're thinking I'd like to have a pum-pum? I think sometimes it would be really nice. I don't know.

Just to escape this. I wouldn't mind having giant cannons. Yeah, I'd like some absolute with umbers just to sort of fill up. I get Nunga Nunga Nunger MV. But I do not get vagina envy. I've got an ass. I don't want another hole down. I mean, the ass is bad enough.

Yeah, and the cock is silly and funny. Yeah. But the vagina is a... You know, you've got an ass and then I've also got the footwell of my car to keep clear. There's just so many things to get clean. your eyes closed like you're singing a ballad when you did that bit. There's the ass, the ass, the mouth,

the ears, the nose, the footwell of my car, you know, there's the porch. You've got enough dirty holes. There's so many cavities. Rancid cavities. Yeah.

I don't need another one. But do you sometimes envy the Volvo? Yeah, just sometimes I feel that it would be nice to have one. Why? Just because it's being a man is like, it's just like, I think it's harder to keep yourself clean as a man.

I think it's easier. to actually be a clean woman. I think the man's body is automatically more grim than a woman's. Like the man's ass, there is just something really awful. Yeah, but that's the,

this is different. Okay, fine. Sometimes maybe I wouldn't mind a woman's ass. I wouldn't mind switching out my arses. I'd like to swap gut biomes with them. But that's different. Jennifer Anderson. Yeah.

Or whatever. Sure. I saw as envy the inherent cleanliness of some women. But I tell you what, you could just not eat dog food. Couldn't you? You could just, Stop eating dog food.

He's a slave to his gender, you know, that's, you know. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't be doing. You fight masculine to your prison. I don't want to do. You get women dogs. Yeah, that's true. No, I think if I was women, I wouldn't be eating dog food. Mm.

But that would solve a lot. But you're the most non-binary of the three of us. Not saying much. Yeah. Because you've got a bit of the gandy about you. You got a shaved head. You've got a, you've got a charm as well. You've got a kind of shamanistic charm.

Yeah. That belies your filth. But then we were talking about who would be the most, like, what would we look like. I think you would be quite a nice looking lady. Do we talk about this on the pod? Charlie, we talked about this about eight times

and every time you just keep going on about how sexy Finn will be how he's face like Rachel Weiss. And then you look at me with such horror, you look at me and you just go so deeply disgust. And I'm just sitting here, I don't start any of these conversations.

You out of nowhere will go, you'd be so fit as women and you'd be absolutely horrendous. Yeah, you'd be so tall and lanky and gangly. Disgusting. You play netball and no one will pass to you because you're so ugly. I'm just nothing I can do.

You'd be a sad. You'd be a sad lady. Yeah, I'm sure I would. So Gandhi, Gandhi, yes. Gandhi is trying to be more feminine, which I think to bring myself back to the original point is not what Modi is trying to do.

There's another guy, so they're now finding all these other leaders who are like the kind of IRA at the time of Indian independence and they're now getting their moment in the sun. Well, the... I've got what his name is. Boza, who...

Bo Selector? Not Boelector. No no Bosa who is a Hindu nationalist who assassinates Gandhi Yeah He's now he's a national hero

Really? Even though Gandhi's on the money There's truthers There's both the truthers There's both selected truthers But they're putting statutes of him up Because he was a masculine Because they think that

We'll get to the next step For Gandhi's whole problem Is that he wasn't violent enough Yeah And it would have happened And also I think there's a lot of I guess with the Indian self-image, there's a lot of frustration

that they're maybe not seen as masculine as other cultures. And they're trying to change that. And they think maybe gang... Pretty late you send me your bobs. You know? That's pretty masculine. Well, that's what I mean.

Yeah. It's also quite needy. Yeah. I wouldn't say you're controlling your urges. The stereotype, the stereotype, there's not many pop culture stereotypes of the Alpha Indian,

you know? No. Although Bollywood's a different. Because, you know, like, for example, Israel, they did a massive image change, right? Or shucks. And they're like, oh, shucks! Yeah.

Because now it's like, oh, sorry. But yeah, we've talked about this thing. Fucking ripped Woody Allen, like. Well, yeah, you've got you. Who fucking wants some. You've gone from the camps and the emaciated. I'm going to show you shucks. Exactly.

I'm going to show you shucks. That's what the great Israel pivot is in the 60s. But look, he wasn't just maybe gen neutral before his time, Gandhi also in 1918 whilst in Armadabad he had a severe attack of dysentry

which you know I mean he's Indian how do you know what's severe and what's just Tuesday if everything is in bold nothing's involved yeah diarrhea is our lifeblood

so when do I know if I've got a problem but he and this pains me to say in 1919 as a result of severe constipation his piles are operated on. So now you've been in the mist this whole story, you have nothing to hold on to with the Gandhi story, but now you can empathise

with him through his ass. You know, understand. He was a civil rights activist for Piles. He's Rosa Piles. For your community. Martin Luther Piles. He's my activist. He's my, yeah.

Finally, I... Nelson Paldella. Finally, someone is speaking my language. There's someone fighting for my cause. A peaceful man of piles. The way to conquer piles is with non-violent. I'm not going to cooperate.

Yeah. You had to be like that with your piles. Yes. Because if you treat them violently, they'll be worse. It will be much worse. Yeah. And there's a moral purity to my stance. I'm not dealing with them.

Is your stance uncomfortable sitting down? Yes, very comfortable. That's what you shouldn't do, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm not listening to my piles. But he has, similar to his lifelong accession with semen retention, sex, all this sort of stuff. He's obsessed with digestion, tracks. he has this awful attack of dysetatry in 1918

obviously has a lot of piles but even throughout his life he's just becomes sweep that under the carpet what piles defined Gandhi's life yeah sorry it was a big

1919 wasn't he wasn't defined by them Ritz of Massacre no he was defined by his Piles operation yeah which is another massacre but he's a serious fibromaxer ass Ritz a massacre which um I mean I guess

partly his dad dying of the anal for stule that must play a big part into his weird kind of psychosexual view about bowel movements. Of course. But he was like, he was obsessed with the digestive health and bowel movements viewing them

as central to his spiritual discipline and physical purity. And now I guess... You're quite like this. I aspire to be like this, but I fail. Right. You know, he's someone who managed to succeed in his spiritual purity.

I am filled with shame. I can't. I do definitely think there's something conquering the gut and the digestive tract I do think you unlock a new I imagine the second brain Imagine conquering the digestive tract I mean also the idea

I do sometimes fantasize about what it must feel like To be entirely empty Because I don't think you ever are empty No But Gandhi probably was the closest to be completely empty Yeah He looked like someone sucked everything out of him Yeah

But he got into enemas didn't he Yeah he's obsessed with constantly giving himself Enimus He'd sometimes make some of his female assistants Give him animals he'd spend three hours in the toilet often. That's pretty cool. He developed a habit of taking aim of daily

to manage chronic constipation. Now you are, he is get constipated. He only eats nuts. So I don't know if that's playing to do with his... He eats, that's all he eats. There's all he eats. Right, so he's not vegetarian then. He's just a nutterian or whatever he's called.

He's just eating nut. Pretty much. So he's not nutting and he's eating nuts. Yeah. That's the Gandhi story. Yeah. He spent 20 minutes twice daily on the toilet to ensure strict, consistent bowel movements.

So this is all. all going, Charlie, why are you getting disgusted? Just imagine him on that. Fucking grim. But he's doing all of this alongside being a civil rights activist and doing all this stuff, alongside all of these this boring stuff that's going, he's also got

this rigid fucking Mark Warburg-esque routine about his bowel movement. So he enjoys women like giving him animus. And it's like, at this point are you not cheating? If you're having a woman squirt water at your ass, like can you, can you? I'm a celibate. Yeah, can you still

brag about how sexually disciplined you are. Yeah. I'm sure I would be able to not wank if I had a team of women shuffles up my ass. I don't know if I would be able to not wang. If women are plowing water at my ass and I'm being told not to masturbate impossible.

I mean, I don't think it's a great advert for human retention in the sense of how weird he is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I just think it's actually kind of an advert for like get that shit out of you. Get out of you. Yeah. It makes you so fucking if you're spending three hours a day on the toilet, you're like writing your notebook, all of your bow movements. I mean, this is crazy.

It's like, this is the Indian Martin Luther King. And he's spending the whole time talking about not coming and being on the toilet. But interestingly, it seems like in the 1930s, his bowels, he reached a good then like state with his bows. Flow state. Yeah, because he was severely consulate for the entire 1910s. Now, with, when our life stories get written in the historical document. Yes.

I would be interested how many people's constipation health is being told via the decades. That's true. The 1910s, that's the year of constipation. A decade, epoch of constipation. Yes. I don't know how many other historical figures

have this sort of date. Well, he talked about one of the volumes my autobiography would be called the diarrhea years. Yeah. When was that? I can't remember. But, yes, me and my 20s.

Yeah. So he does sort of conquer his bowels. During the salt march, which we haven't got on to it. We will get to shortly. So let's just briefly deal with the civil disobedience movement of 1929. The partition of India is being proposed by the Muslim nationalists, Muslim Indians, and some Hindu. But Gandhi is firmly in the camp that Muslims and Hindus can live together.

and, you know, it's just different types of animals, isn't it? It's just cattle and pigs. Yeah. You know, what's a cow? I have a dream sort of stuff. This is very... What's a cow and a pig between mates? Yeah.

I think. Who's the cow? Well, the cows are holy to Hindus. Right. And the pig's holy to, so it's just, you know... Yeah. So the Indian National Congress expresses a willingness to withhold taxes until their sovereignty is granted. So much withholding.

It's all about withholding. Everything's withholding. withholding cum. Yeah. I can't poo. I'm not going to pay tax. Constipation is so candy. Yeah.

He's constipated for 10 years. Fucking hell. He's the most bricked up guy of all time. So now the defining moment of his Indian activism, you'd say, is the salt march of 1930. So this is the Selma, this is the Birmingham March. Yeah. And again, because it's boring, it's the Salt Mark, the March for Salt.

So basically, Indians weren't allowed to grow or make their own salt even though there was fucking loads of salt. Boring. Boring. Salt was really important for Indians as a hot country. Boring. And I guess they had to preserve meats and stuff. Yeah. Also, although

having said that, so the Brits would tax, they had to buy salt off the Brits as a way of making tax revenue. 8.2% of the British Raj tax revenue was from salt. But let's think about how delicious and flavorful Indian food is.

Right. If they weren't allowed to use salt, they had to find other flavors. Yeah, so that's the reason why hot countries have spicy cuisine, right? It's because they can't keep meat because meats spoil quicker, right? So it's basically the reason why there's curry

is that this is absolute dog sheep sheep meat and we have to do backflips with your taste buds to make you not realize. Or they couldn't always salt was too expensive. So they were like, well, let's use cumin, turmeric, ginger. you know and suddenly the the Indian food is born so you know who's the real bad guy here blues music came out of slavery yes exactly win win

everybody's happy everybody's everyone's a winner babe anyway um so britain had a monopoly over salt in India so Indians were subject to these very harsh price increases that were completely out of the control and if you were poor you really needed salt because it was like the only thing that made the crap food taste bearable. So Gandhi takes this idea that he's going to march to the salt

flats and he's just going to start eating it or whatever and the Congress laugh at him but he wins them around to the idea and the viceroy of India at the time Lord Urban remarks that the prospect of a salt campaign does not keep me awake at night

so the Brits were kind of thinking who's this fucking silly bloat This guy's just constipated. It's just mad constipated. It's just mad constipated. Sex freak. So,

Gandhi decided to march for, how long is it? 2,000 miles? It's a 385 kilometer march, 24 days, where he and 78 associates

were protesting the salt monopoly. But if I was, if I was the British, um, uh, J'Cobree.

I'll be like, All right, then. Fine. Sure. You can't have any pepper though. Yeah. No, I'd just be like, so. Yeah, brilliant.

You've marched. We just walked for 24 days. All right, man. Yeah. And salt costs a tenor. Yeah. So he starts from his ashram, which is sort of sent his base,

to the coastal village of Dandy, and then people start, Dandy Gandy Gandy. They join along, and the procession becomes three kilometres long, as long and there are crowds on the side welcoming them to each village it's like a sort of marathon i suppose um but this is where uh it's the age of photo journalism now so americans are going over to to cover and the new york times feature them on the front cover time magazine making man of the year 1930 so he's the greater of the age yeah um so on the 4th of may 1930 he reaches the salt mud and he picks it up and he declares with this i'm shaking the foundations of the british

empire and he then starts producing salt illegally and orders his followers to join him and then the mass civil disobedience follows uh salt becomes this mass produced good outside of british control and over 60 000 indians are arrested by the end of may but it becomes this sort of national like ideology now of civil disobedience and so people start refusing to pay their taxes they boycott British goods. There is a massacre of non-violent protesters in a bizarre where many of the guilty British platoon received life sentences. So suddenly this becomes a global news story, civil disobedience,

and Gandhi becomes his household name. What does Churchill call Gandhi? The Hindu Mussolini. That's nice. Yes. Yeah, quite right. So in 1931, Gandhi signs the Gandhi-Urwin Pact, which frees all political prisoners from the salt march in return for an end to civil

disobedience. It is alarming and also nauseating to see Mr. It's alarming and also nauseating to see Mr. Gandhi, a seditious Middle Temple lawyer, now posing as a fakir of a type well-known in the east, striding half-naked up the steps of the Viceregal Palace to parley on equal terms with the representative of the King Emperor. Quite robust dismissal of Gandhi from Churchill. So he then tries to, he then also says something like. Like he has to, he starts basically saying, I'm the guy.

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from Audio UK and the BBC go to audio train.com. I was going to sort out self-rule. And so I think he says that only he can talk to the British and a bunch of the other Congress people aren't allowed to go. Anyway, he's unsuccessfully negotiating for Indian independence, but he's becoming more active in domestic Indian politics. And that's the end.

And so in our final part of the series, we will deal with Gandhi's letters. Danny's sexual politics maybe I guess Yeah The Maybe we've talked to a lot of the strange stuff But this might be

This might be the cherry on the cake It peaks in part four India is heading towards a split And the defining moments Of Gandhi's life Await us I'll say this now He's probably

Probably one of the worst Great uncles has ever been Yep. And also he wrote letters to a friend of the Port Adolf Hitler. This is before the Who Are You Here to Me era. Mm-hmm. Very much. And he's very lucky for Gandhi, I'd say.

Yes. He got out of the right time. I don't know when the first house of the car park was made, but thankfully for Gandhi. No. In the Taj Mahal car park, Gandhi's getting a lot of questions. So that's going to be in our final part of this Gandhi series, where we'll deal with

the fall of Gandhi that's already on the Patreon where for £3 a month you too can I don't know fucking I don't know anymore Lots of love

goodbye Goodbye