Fin vs History - History To Corner Women To | The Napoleonic Wars (Part 1/10)

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Introducing Napoleon, the man who invented propaganda.    The Napoleonic Wars (Part One)   The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.   For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon patreon.com/fintaylor This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.  Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh Chapters: 00:00 - It’s Time For The Boys 05:04 - The Glorious Death 10:26 - French Hitler 14:53 - He’s Like Messi   17:00 - He Looks Like He Smells 20:44 - You’ll See 23:23 - He Wrote Smut 26:26 -  What’s Scabies?   31:23 - She Had Black Teeth 37:02 - Real History   41:33 - The Mental Health Guy 46:29 - I Could Do This   49:28 - Napoleon’s Dog 52:24 - Josephine’s Affair Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. I can't have at 3pm for this. Dinner's ready. Fuck you, ma'am!

Oh! Oh! It's coming. Better not be another woman guest. It's not a makeup podcast. It's a bloody history podcast. Come on, come on, come on. Welcome back to Finn versus History.

Today we start a 10-part series on the Napoleonic War. History doesn't get more history than this. Napoleon, Nelson, Wellington, Trafalgar, boats and goats, guns. And there's no women. Welcome back to Finn versus History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Hey, would the smell your underwear. And today, I've been the best boy.

Oh, I've been a good boy. We're finally starting a 10-part series on the Napoleonic Wars. I've sat through a week of art. We've had two women have hit the podcast. You've got your girlfriend on to talk about art. and I was very polite. Yeah. We sat through the suffragettes.

Yeah. Because I knew there would be a month where the women have to go home. Yeah. And I can just have some nice time by myself and eat like a dog. The Napoleonic Wars. It doesn't get better than this.

Well, Bibi has gone to the fringe, so I've got two weeks at home alone as a basically a single man. And this just is the perfect timing. Living on my own as a bloke, and now I'm doing 10 parts of the Napoleonic Wars. It's what Napoleon did this for. It's for 200,

years later for men alone. Women listeners, I imagine there's been many women listeners we've attracted in the last few months. Active female listeners on campus. It's been nice having you here, but now you must leave. Okay. It's time for the boys. It's time.

We're going to retire to the billiards room to discuss the polionic wars. Okay. You can do your sewing and you're cross-stitching and you're gossiping in the front room. Yes. This will. Will maps be gotten out? Of course they will. Yes.

Will we move things across maps? Yes. Do the figurines have nice coloured uniforms? Yes. Yes. And it's none of your fucking business. Your fucking business, love, all right? You go and drink sherry in the front room,

and then your brains will get too tired, where the men stay up late, and we move troops across hills, the infantry come in, the cavalry come in, the artillery come in. We say what we would have done with 200 years hindsight. Yes.

And also, but this is what I love about Napoleon Wars is that it's actually warfare you can understand. Yes, it's probably the sweet spot, wouldn't you say? This is exactly the point I was going to make. Because, yeah, it's got a level of tactics where it's interesting. But it's like sport, I guess it's football in the way that it's like, it's really easy to understand.

Yes. Whereas modern stuff, it's a bit more like cricket where you have to really. I don't even think, I think people who listen to this podcast will know. When we get into World War II, we're at fucking sea. You know, we can't describe. It's all about who has the most tanks. And it's quite. You can only see, view World War II from a continent wide lens.

But this one you can, yeah. You can, this one. You know, this one, I know how Napoleon beat the Austrians at Austerlitz. And I will tell you, if you're female, and I corner you in a room. I will tell you how he did it. A corner. Listen, I don't get advice to many parties, but when I do, I will find a lone woman. I will corner her and I will say, do you know how he beat?

He beat the Austrians at Austerlitz. Do you know how he did it? He ceded the high ground. He left his right flank open. Mind games. You watch those early Athenborough ones where it's like a lion chasing a pack of bison. the one to get caught on their own. That's me.

You should go for a weak one. Cornering a fat trick at a house party and laying pipe about Leipzig. Now listen. Now listen. Okay. This is, it's an annual feature of Finverse history. We take a month just to fucking go swimming.

All right. It's test cricket stuff. It's our second 10 part series. Now, the last one was controversial. Yeah. We enjoyed it. Grolling. grueling.

It was, people thought, oh, that's a funny idea. And by the time we got to Alec Douglas Hewn, they thought, this isn't fun anymore. But this, I mean,

this deserves ten parts. Yes. I mean, the story of Napoleon and the Napoleonic Wars is an, is an opera? I mean,

he's a precursor to Alex Douglass Hume, wouldn't it? Yes, yes, he is. He's probably the only man who's fit to stand in the Pantheon

where Alex Douggud Duxen stands. The long road to Douglas Hume, the Napoleonic Wars. He did to the 18th century what Douglas Hume did to the 20th. Yeah, transformational. And again, once I have exhausted

the Napoleonic Wars and the fat shake would like some water, I say, no, no, no, no, no. I'm now going to tell you about Alex Douglas Hume. The why I like the Napoleonic Wars, it should be said, we're doing 10 parts, but for the patrons, we're going to give you in two hits of five.

Yes. Because your prostates will not be able to withstand all 10 in one go. Yeah. If you have Trafalgar in the same dump as Waterloo, you're done. Well, they've got dog brains, don't know? They don't know when their next meal will go.

They have Prada Willie Syndrome. We have found 50,000 sufferers are Prada Willie Syndrome who can't stop eating this podcast. They've got podcast Willie Syndrome. They have podcast Willie Syndrome. Yeah. And if you'd like to join,

if you find you too are a fucking Labrador, then sign up. It's only £3 a month. So, yeah, you're writing that the Polyonic War. for me, I mean, I, this was like, when I was growing up, before I even discovered Bond, I discovered Sharp, which we're going to be talking about on one of the patrons, Sean Bean,

you know, the aesthetics of the Napoleonic Wars are unrivaled in my mind. Masculine puffery. Yes. It's the sweet spot between dandyish and like bravery. It's white tight covered in mud. Yeah. It's like, it's, yeah. Don't threaten me with a good time.

White tights covered in mud. But also it's kind of arguably the First World War, right? Totally the First World War. Yeah. And it's also better than the First World War. Much better than the first World War. And also Britain's role in it is more interesting. We stand alone again.

And I also, we'll talk about Nelson over this series. I find if you're doing patriotic history, Dunkirk 1940 sort of leaves me a little cold. I'm an Ashing Court guy. I'm a Nelson guy. Nelson fires you up because a lot of the recent stuff has been, it's amazing that we managed to get off that beach. and it's like it's not

this is amazing those three guys got those Thai boys out of that game without fucking them you know Nelson is a defensive thing

yeah it is I like this history because these are moments where you're on the front foot you're getting after it it's basball it's expansive football you know

it's when that one Southgate game against Spain where you were three nil up at half time yeah and we're like but it wasn't in the tournament was it

wasn't but it was like maybe this is a new new dawn yeah it's that first half of football where it's like it goes against our national idea ourselves when we get what we get fucking after it well it was i tell you what it was it was the third place

playoff where we trounce france yeah england that's what the opponent it followed the similar beats the whole tournament had been 1940 yeah and then the third place playoff when we got knocked out was the napoleonic wars an absolute fucking ding dong yeah um but also i think you're right in there it's the sweet spot so before the sort of 17th century warfare is essentially blokes in metal running as each other. Or walking. Uh, or walking.

But it's pre-agreed, you know, uh, it's like a sort of waltz. It's a, sort of like a hydraulic press. It is a hydraulic. It's, it's fucking reacting to a hydraulic press. And it, it's very on, um, it doesn't get me going so much, you know. And then when you get into world, probably from the Franco-Prussian War onwards, it becomes a kind of slaughterhouse and it's about industrial strength. And it's about numbers of planes.

It's like, one is about trench conditions, really. The war is about How smell is your feet? It doesn't gird my loins. And then you get World War II, which is obviously awesome, but that's because of the Nazis, let's be honest. And you're honest.

And I'm honest. You're still listening to me. You still listen to me. Don't look away. I've cornered you. I mean, now I'm going to tell you about the rise of the Nazis and why the answer is a good thing.

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The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry, now drones, network systems and low-cost weapons wage a battle for dominance. In new weapons for new wars, a brand new limited series from This is Not a Drill, we look at the fastest, most intense transformation of warfare in half a century. Automated battle systems that learn as they fight, faster, more accurate missiles, cheap drones that can take out a warship for less than the cost of a family car, and next generation defenses to keep enemies at bay.

That's new weapons for new wars, with me, Gavin Esther. This is not a drill on your favorite app now. Because when you get into, you know, we've had Almary on this podcast. I'm sure one day we'll have James Holland on who will tell us that the World War II was actually about factories. And that really he turns, you know,

cinematic battles into fucking QuickFit reports. And it's very, very demeaning to us who like narrative. The Napoleonic Wars, right? Not only can you understand the tactics, even if you're a thicky, thicky dumb fuck. So it makes you feel really smart. You feel like a general. And that's all men are looking for in history.

All we want is to feel like we know what we could have done what they did. But also the uniforms. I mean, the French are wearing fucking red trousers for the whole thing. Like they're having a Sunday lunch. It'd put me. Red trousers. Yeah. In a battlefield.

Because culturally, it's the age, it's the romantic age. It's the dandy. It's the romantic age. Yeah. Poetry. And everything is charged. Men seem far, far more emotional than women. It's like a rare period.

But it's also the idea of a glorious death. Yeah. This is a 50 year time in his. history, sort of 1780s to the 1840s say, where the glorious death, there's no more, you know, it's kind of like Europeans are jihadis for a bit where we're like, there is glory in death. Yeah, and it's harder with the musket. Exactly. Oh, it's harder.

Oh, shit. Oh! Yeah. No, it is harder because you're going to wrap it down. Yeah. No, it's harder to be. Right. So we haven't spoken to Charlie this whole series.

Sorry, Charlie. He's been really holding his hands up for a while. How do you guys want to go? what do you mean how would you ideally like to die oh to die yeah what is yeah what is the plane crash

I think I think stopping a terrorist attack would be pretty awesome yeah I think roundhouse kicking one terrorist off London Bridge and then another one comes like close to close combat

and then like six of them on me I kill five of them but then the last one gets me and I bleed out and I say I'm not a hero as I bleed out I would do in that situation is that I would accidentally

roundhouse kick a toddler off the bridge Right. And then get... Into an ex-old bully. And then get shanked by a policeman. You'd get tased by a policeman, but have a heart attack and die. I'm too fat. I'd get tasered by a policeman, have a heart attack,

I'm too fat. And then die. That hero shot they have of someone bleeding out or it's like pulling up. It's just you but shit spreading. But then also, but then also, I'd be the only casualty on a terrorist.

They'd get stopped straight away. I've killed a toddler. And then I have a toddler. a hashtag's a bit tainted. That's what would happen in that situation. No, that's a glorious death. Yeah, that is a glorious death. The Napoleonic Wars listeners, it's for me the only thing that betters it is the Nazis. I just think

the aesthetics, the uniforms, the dandy nature, the big fucking plumes. I was never a big Napoleonic Wars, guys. I was always skeptical of Napoleon, as I am of all French history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not French history. This series is not titled, it's not titled Napoleon. It's entitled The Napoleonic Wars. Okay.

That's a very crucial distinction. But France is a very different beast in this war to World War II. Oh, of course. Because it's easy to forget. This is before it's springs under their arms. Yes, this is ancient Athens, but for France. Right. They've done nothing since.

In 1815, they went to sleep. Yeah. You know, that's their 2000 BC. Is this the only example of wars where it's named after a guy? Like, not the Hitlerian. Because the World War II wasn't called the Hitlerian Wars. But if it wasn't a World War I was in my house, I think so. Well, you may think so.

The Hitlerian journey. Well, you may think so. Why is it named after him? Well, because, as we'll get into, it's a, it is World War, it's a World War I. Yeah. But it's all about stopping him. Yeah.

And he's, he's the problem throughout all this. But there's everyone is basically, it's all on Napoleon. It's all. containing one man, basically. It's everyone ganging up on him. But then he's so good slash everyone else is so looking out for their own interests. Alexander the Great. It was his wars called the,

Orangoran Wars, were they? Maybe. The Hussite Wars. That's about Jan Hus. Not the rapper. Yeah. Jay Huss, yeah. Not J. Hus.

Anyway, the Napoleonic Wars is where we'll be for the next month. Ladies, it's been nice knowing you. So, we can't really talk about the Napoleonic Wars without the French Revolution, but we're not going to spend too much time there because it's mad and... I can't really get my head around. I list to eight parts of French Revolution. I don't know a thing about it. It's the beginning.

All I know is that it's the beginning. the beginning of being left wing. So I sort of go, all right, let's get to the good bit where it's Wellington and all that stuff. It's whiny French people chop their king's head off and then is misses. It's a bread right. Also, price of bread goes up and they care a lot about bread. Yeah, obviously.

And then what is quite funny is that the left wing has take over and that's way worse and everyone dies. And they're so, fuck it your terror. The Rob's Pierre Terra. This is what the Telegraph is saying would happen. That is happening now, by the way. The terror. The terror happened. That was Stama.

And they've now, it's now got an enlightened potato. They've executed Robespierre. Yeah, Starmes gone. And now we have Burnham, Napoleon. So, but the French... It's funny calling the Starmie is the terror.

The French are so fucking lazy. They have to invent a machine to chop people's heads off. Yeah. They invent the guillotine in the 1790s. And at the end of the French Revolution, that's when Napoleon becomes, essentially,

you'd say the first, is he the first dictator in the modern sense? Perhaps he is. Maybe. Because he's not a king and the French are inventing you know, American Revolution, they don't do this. Yeah. And part of the reason that the French Revolution begins

is that King Louis, I guess is the 16th, is it? He bankrupts the country financing the American Revolution to spite the British. Yes. So he fucks it because of us. He is spiteful. Yeah. And he gets what's coming to.

Yeah, I don't know because it's part of me thinks it's the first of many, but he's actually, Napoleon's working on classical grounds into modern age. He's Julius, sees his Alexander the Great. Yes,

yeah. He's doing a lot of stuff that people used to do but haven't done for thousands of years. But that's also why this is so good is that he is, you know, he's the first modern dictator.

He is, you know, he's French Hitler, really. If you think about problematic bookshelves of school shooters, massive tomes on a podium that we both bought

for this series. Oh, I've got one. Our big red flags because I think, I think men throughout history, including Hitler, but many, many, I'd say, problematic men, read the life of Napoleon. And it sort of fires them up, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's more, I guess the intel school shooter mindset, right, is it's about enforcing a will on others. Yes. And because you're a loser that no one's to speak to, it's hard to do that. And then you read the Napoleonic books. You sort of relate to him because he's kind of an insult.

Oh, he's a huge insult. Yeah. But then what he achieves, a lot of people in their head there at Napoleon. Yes. And that not having anywhere to go can be pretty bad. That's true. Yeah.

So Napoleon himself, we'll deal with him in this first episode. He's born on August the 15th, 1769. She placed this. Let's place 1769. This is after Dick Turpin did an Ironman up the country, right? It's after Dick Turpin. And it's just before Captain Cook found Australia. Yes.

Found. It's started. It started. He found, started Australia. Australia didn't exist until Captain Cook found it. That's the position of this podcast. I won't be hearing any comments. Turn the comments off for this episode.

I don't want to hear. He found some mushrooms and he dealt with them robustly. It's like a video game where if you're not looking at it, it's not, doesn't exist. Do you know what I mean? It buffers as you experience it, right? Yes, yeah, exactly. So, he's born now, he's born in Corsica and he's actually born, Napoleon, Buena Parte. He's Italian.

He's Italian. He's Italian. Lionel Messi is what I view. He's the Messi. He's a short Italian man, basically, who kind of has a new identity. So he's born in Corska to an Italian noble family. I think Corsca's known for,

I have a Corsican friend, and the stereotype is like the Isle of White in France. Really? It's seen as like inbred Central. Very incestuous. But again, it's much more romantic when it's that close to Italy, isn't it? I do think Italy.

Italian incest. Italian incest is like, you could do the same. Well, it's family. exactly nothing more important than family you could do the same incestual crime in hull and you would have way more stigma for it than you would in milano yeah incest in hull

it's more like fred west it's like you could see that it's kind of like 70s and tears both your eyes are too far you know the kid's gonna have eyes on the side of their head whereas in corsica we're all dressing we're all dressed well Spretzatura, row riding Vespers eating little fishes. I saw, or give my sister a little lingering kiss on the mouth. A very long lingering. A long lingering kiss and a long lingering fingering.

The kiss will only leave when she turns 18. Anyway, so he's born in Corsica and his family is a sort of noble family. His mother, Letitia, fucking hates him. And spanks him a lot, spanky bot. This historians think shaped his character because he's always, he's always trying stuff to impress her. Yeah. But she's not having any of it. But I guess there's only, he must be the most written about Guy ever Napoleon.

Must be up there for like biographies of his life. Not Matt Lettissier Napoleon, but not Matt Letitia Bonaparte. Litizia Bonaparte. His mother was not a conspiratorist about the Ukraine war. What an arc that man has been on. Incredible. Who would have thought that that, one of the best English Premier League Centre Forge has ever been? Yeah, just his goal highlight compilation is sort of second-in-up.

The Solent Burke Camp. And yet he has become, I mean, an anti-vaxer. I mean, I want to see, because he goes on Sony podcast, I want to see all of his, all of his conspiracy takes cut between his best goals. Oh, I'd love that. Because he is hitting it top bin. Legisier. I just think, you know, why, why have Ukraine gone into Russia?

You know, why have Ukraine gone into Russia? It's their fault they started it. Oh! So when he gets to school, he goes to military school age nine on a scholarship, and he faces severe bullying. People say he's got his nickname Straw Nose, Savage, absolutely Savage burns. I mean, this is Kill Tony stuff. Yeah.

And he's short famously, and he's poor and he's smelly. But again, what does a smelly smell like in 18th century rural France? This is the land of the smells. If everything's involved, nothing's embold. Exactly. If everything smells, nothing smells. True. But he looks like he smells.

I think throughout his life, he looks like he fucking honks. But this is why he's sort of, he's got a school shooter-ri vibe to him. He's a total school shooter. He's like, at the edge of the classroom, you'll see. You know, he's made fun of.

He's the only school shooter in history who actually did it. He conquered Europe. Yeah. And then he just did one school too far in Russia, really. In many ways, they all do. one's called too. Well, all the fat ones do. Yeah, you know, but in their heads, they're, it's the Italian campaign. When, when Columbine is happening, he's like,

I'm doing what he did at Lodi and Marengo and Alstinich, yeah, you know, but Napoleon never shot a fat kid, okay? You know, he was dealing with a much more sophisticated sense of warfare. But also it's, the Columbine, his copycat killings, he didn't know that was an option. No, exactly. So he did the Napoleon. Well, he had a Napoleon complex. He did. Napoleon was just had a, which I used to have a routine about Napoleon. complex because it is funny it's just like can a man what can a man short man do? Yeah

like he's achieved more than anyone he's one of the most like iconic person in history and everyone's like oh it's because you got a small dick is it yeah it's like what fuck off they said that about they said that about um Hitler as well in recently the revisionism

oh had a micro penis well can you not just let his achievement stand all right maybe he wanted to do it and yes he had a small dick It's so funny they keep bringing this out. It's like Putin's got an opponent complex. It's like, surely we should be talking about other. Some of us can have small dicks and not do all this.

Is that the point? I got small dick, where's my medal? But if you're going to slag Putin off, why are you going for the high, why is that the, it feels like a rock, the wrong place to start? My eyes are up here, you know. It's like, look at check. My war crimes are up here. My war crimes are up here.

They're not down there. Stop staring at Nema. War crimes are up here. It's the same, actually, as the, as having to go, you know, constantly obsessing about Sydney, Sweeney's. Shebs rather than her acting talents. For sure. Brackets as yet.

Unknown. So, now, he retreats from his bullying into books about Caesar. Alexander the Great. Now, he didn't have a book about Napoleon to retreat into. No. Because he was Napoleon.

Yes. But this is exactly what you were saying. Yeah. You know, fat losers do now is they retreat into a book about Napoleon. He starts, you know, from very early on, he has this sense that he is, they'll see, they'll all see. It is school shooters

stuff. I'll show them. It's Trump being slagged off by Obama. That's tied shot. White House Correspondents dinner. That's him at school. It's just nodding. You'll see. To be fair, that was me at school. I'm Trump at the White House Correspondent dinner, you know,

with my French. You'll see. Ian Burgess. You'll see. You'll see. One day, I'll have fucking 50,000 incels my beck and call. I'm going to take over it. this school with an army that's bigger than her mass.

Fucking hamburger ass. Anyway, so in 1785, he gets his first artillery commission. Now, he is an artillery guy. So he's good at maths. And at this point in warfare, maths is applied devastatingly with cannons. Yes. This is the age of the cannon. Because you need to know where you're shooting. Angles, mortars.

It's all about, protractors are important. Yes. I think. Is it protractor? Or what's the... What did Golton measure a bunder with a sextant. This is all tools that you need to work out angles, you know. Is it called a sexton because he was so horny doing it? No, I don't think it is. You know, I got taken around the science museum by a listener of this podcast because we've got virgins of very high places.

Why you do? Well, I got upgraded at the sumo. We do have versions of very high places. We live in like a certain type of king. Yeah. And he was, yeah, I think as someone who knows a lot about science, he does say this podcast is occasionally completely unlistenable. whenever, I mean, it's not for you, mate.

It's not for you, okay? This is not for men who cornered fat women and bore them about radioactive particles. He did show me a V2 bomb, a real one, which is pretty good. And he showed me a piece of the moon. And then he showed me an NHS bike from COVID. And I was like, well... An NHS bike? Yeah, so like a bicycle that carried to the vaccine across London two years ago.

And I was like, well, can we... This one not as good. You've really built me up. And I thought, we were building up. I don't need to see anything from COVID, to be honest, mate. Yeah. Just a, that bike's outside. I don't need to see that.

There's loads of them outside. I've got one here. I like, shout out. Good guy. So, 1785, Repoding gets his first artillery commission. He is just 16, barely legal. Yeah. We're quite, maybe quite legal at this time, 1785.

His father, Carlo, had died in that year. And so he becomes financially responsible for the whole family. now this will never change he is very socially awkward around women he loses his virginity aged 18 to a prostitute in Paris having subjected her to a cold interrogative interview

on the street so supposedly he goes up to her and goes where are you from where's your hometown how did you lose your virtue which is again a chat up line many of our patrons will use you lose your virtue how to lose your virtue first of all that's a tier nagging yeah yeah cart from the table I need to know how you lost your virtue

before I can buy your drink. And then ask her if she enjoys her work. Yeah. He's starting to loosen up now. So do you enjoy what you do? And then he writes in his journal that the encounter, he talks about it with an intense moral superiority and an awkward sexual lurch. His sex never fits well with him.

No. You know, some people, sex doesn't, you know, it doesn't hang well on their frame. Yes. And I think Napoleon, it never has that. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough being stuck in an unsexual body, but being sexual inside. Yes, yes. Very, very hard.

So 1789's when the French Revolution kicks off, the first blue hair brigade, blah, blah, blah. An interesting point at this period, Napoleon hates France. He's a Corsican nationalist. He's still calling himself Buenaparte. He's still Italian at this point. And Corsica has been colonized by France, and he has a lot of hatred for them. And his dad was originally fighting in the Corscan War of Independence. And I think he's got a lot of writings that he tried to hide about Corsican.

He writes novels. Do you know this? He wrote a fucking awful novel in like the 1790s and it's so horny. Is it? It's about a guy who basically, it's about romantic novella, about a cucked soldier who died heroically. It's called Clisson Eugenie. 826, isn't he getting, he's getting after at this point? I think he's maybe in Italy by this point.

Is he lifting that point? Yeah. How's he doing this while? He's doing campaigns at this day. But he finds campaigns so easy. Right. But he really, you know, this is the romantic age, as you said. So even though he's campaign, you're winning campaigns, he's like, you know, there's something.

You wrote a novella about being cut, even though he's cut, yeah. Yeah, he's kind of. Because we haven't done much French history and we're entering a new realm of horniness. We've done a lot of German history. We talked about German horniness, which is kind of like a, is a little unhinged the horniness there. It's almost like they're not really horny. They don't quite get it. Do you know what I mean?

The Germans. there's a lot of sexual stuff in Germany but it's not really horny it's like clinical it's clinical it's like well yes chug me with the leather and put the rock in my bum like it's not very like but then the French

it's a true horniness it's like huffing dirty underwear they've got massive noses it's the COVID bat France for horniness yeah there's just like a they have a different level you can tell it's just a true horniness and this is why

they love it this is why as we'll see, Nelson stopping Napoleon from getting to India is so important. Because were the French horns ever to meet the Indian ones, the world would just be covered in common and we all be dead. Okay?

The French Indian War, I mean, if they allied together, I mean, Christ. We're scathing ahead of ourselves. So 1789, French Revolution, blah, blah, blah. King gets executed. Now, Napoleon is a young artillery officer,

he gets his major breakthrough during the siege of Toulon in 1793. Now, it must be said that the French in the terror at this point, they've killed pretty much all their leading officers.

There's going to try and climb up the ranks. There's never been more space on the ladder to get up. Toulon is Toulouse? It's just by Toulouse, yeah. But they're different. Yes. Yeah. There's an old joke which is

where did you get your clothes from? Did you get your clothes from France because they're all Toulon and Toulouse? someone said that to me once after I did an Edinburgh like a free friend Edinburgh show what an audience member

at the bucket speech you went where did you get your clothes in France because it's all too long and too loose I went fuck off put the money in the bucket and fuck off I had some money in and fuck off

already fucking humiliated playing whistle binkies yeah now what he does here is that there's an officer above him who's like basically the British God God save them

please they are by this point by this point, right, in 1792, it's the beginning of what you would call the French Revolutionary Wars, where the revolution is starting to spread panic amongst the established European order. And so the Austrians and the Prussians and the British, maybe finance by the Brits. They don't want it spreading. No. We don't want this mad, woke nonsense spreading. So the Brits finance, what I think, is this the first war of the first coalition, perhaps? There's a lot of coalitions, and I'm not going to get too into it because it drags, it takes the fun out of it.

But, so the British are, have seized the port of Toulon, which is where the French fleet are based. And Napoleon basically says, rather than taking Toulon, if we seize this one castle overlooking the bay, then we can then shoot the fleet from there and they'll have to retreat. And the officers are like, no, no, no, no, we go and get the thing. And this is the first moment where he thinks outside the box. And so he devises this plan. He wins. They win the battle. Yeah.

They get the, and the British have to evacuate too long. And this is where... He pummel it. He pummers them from the, from the shore. Yes.

Yeah. The undefended flank. With the cannons. And this is where he catches severe scabies. So there's a dead gunner. And he takes the dead gunner's guy, dead gunner's gun,

and loads the cannon himself, the swab. And then he gets the dead guy's scabies, which means he has this lifelong obsession with very, very, very hot baths. It's basically where... It's a sexually transmitted kind of rash,

but it's little eggs that live under your skin. I thought I had it the other day. The other day, with a lady for Jim. So, recently. Jamila checked me in... Jamila, Jamil, check you for Skaby. No, Jamila was an old lady, and she checked me in Forest Hill GP, which is my GP.

Right. Just saying that out of the podcast. And turns out I was just washing my... Basically, if you scratch... If you wash your balls with shampoo... Yeah, you're not meant to. into, but it feels so nice when it gets bubbles. So, it turns out.

Yeah, I just get suds up there. And then it, but it was actually causing quite a lot of dry skin. Not in a horrible way. And, uh, enough. No, enough. Definitely not in a horrible way. It's lovely. Your dry skin balls.

Enough for you to go to the doctors. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought I had a condition or scabies and turns out my balls are too clean. So you went to a woman called, um, I'll put, maybe I could put the picture in. You showed Jamila your balls? Yeah. It wasn't, uh.

Did she have a look at them? She did, but because she had to. Did you have your, can you do this? Did you then say like, oh, this is such a mess? You try and fuck Jamila. Look at these balls, aren't they such a mess? No, it is a mess. But it is a mess.

It's a mess, but it's not like, it's so great. It's like bending over. Look at my asshole. God, isn't that such a mess? What are we even doing? Who are you? I'm a doctor. Yeah, but isn't that, isn't that fucked?

Isn't it such a mess? Isn't it such a mess? Should we kiss? No. Where are we going? Awful. Absolutely awful. But yeah, if you've got guys, basically, get Domo 500.

Okay, this is before Dermo 500. The siege of Toulon happened before Dermo 500. So their balls must be fucking scabied. Well, they're not washing their balls with soap. Because they're French, irrelevant at the time. But do get Dermo 500 if your balls are. Okay, we're not sponsored by them, Charlie. I don't know why you're plugging Dermost so much.

Okay. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.

Hey, y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if, like what if it doesn't? hold up. That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we really start your week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context

and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker, wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Anyway, so he gets, he gets Skaibis, and, I mean, he has that for years. So he's, there are times where he won't sleep once he's emperor. He'll just go for an hour long, very hot bath and then back out of it. And he's got lifelong, this is lifelong Skaibis. For many years, I don't know if he ever... I don't know if they ever graduate from Egg.

I think they just sort of live there. Okay, we're getting bogged down in SkaBis. It's the first episode of the Peraloric Wars, okay? My erection's starting to flag with all the Skaibis chats. All right. I'm thinking of our listeners. They're thinking, hang on, if I'm cornering this girl at a party

and I start talking about Skaibis, you know? Back to the siege of too long. But if you're listening with Skabyes, comment. Don't cut, no, no. Right.

Comment. Comment what? Comment bug emoji. Right. And then a thumbs up. Okay. So the main thing about the siege is too long is his first tactical success.

And it's this, yeah, it's his first like bit of guile and cunning. It's also the first time he overlaps with Nelson because Nelson has gone to Naples to get Neapolitan ships to help the siege of Toulogne. So they miss each other by a couple of days.

But he has promoted Napoleon to Brigadier General at just 24 years old. Now, his next sort of great moment is in 1795 where he is helping the... Oh, yeah. The... Is it the directory at this point? I don't really want to get into...

They're trying to hold it down with the council. But the genies out the jar now for French people are trash in their city. Yeah. They realise they can do it whenever they don't like anything. Yeah, this is the beginning of just the world, France. PSG win the Champions League. Well, it's going to burn my house down.

What are you upset about? No, I'm over the moon. What, it's only a three-day bank holiday. Right, I'm striking. I'm fucking going to Paris. You're an idiot. I'm driving my tractor in the main road. Fuck off.

The first Gilles-Léjeune, I guess. So this is the reign of terror and now, but he's trying to, the people are, there's still many royalists. Yeah. Because the king, or maybe the air to the king is in Britain, we're harboring him. Anyway, so again, we've got to remember that he's supposedly a tactical genius and he suppresses this riot in Paris in 1795 by blasting crowds with cannons at close range.

Genius. Yeah, this is balls to the wall staff. Absolutely. What a genius. Yeah. The military, why don't we just fire that into that crowd and they'll fuck off? Yeah. So he suppresses the royalists for the, whatever, this directory.

But in 1795, he meets. Josephine de Beauharnet. Now, she is, well, you say that. So she's a French widow. Her husband has been beheaded in the terror. She had been going out with Paul Barras, who is one of the leaders of the directory. And Paul Barras basically says to Napoleon,

I'll give you a fucking, like a good military role if you take this fucking woman off my hands. So am I getting right? She gave unbelievable blow jobs when she had no teeth. she had black teeth. Oh, right. Because she grew up in Martinique

in the Caribbean and would basically just eat sugar. Right. So she has black teeth. Her mouth is black, but he can't get enough of it. He's just like, I want to fucking,

I want to shove my dick in your stinky coal hole. God Christ. And then I want to have a blow job. Yeah, no. She was apparently an absolute weapon at the sack. Yes.

Historians discover references to her. She's a sexual terrorist. Her bedroom maneuvers known as Liz Zigzag. Which no one knows what they is. We don't know what they are. Now, Charlie, what do you think the zigzag could be?

So this is what, this is a woman who's using her sexual guile to be kind of an actor in history in many ways. I guess you're like flipping each other. You're kind of horizontally flipping each other and kind of like you're sort of, it's like a factory machine. Remember, this is going to be the woman leading it though, because she's the one of the technique. She's on top, but then she, they kind of do a roly-poly and then he's then on top and then they just keep adjusting that until they. So that's the zing. What you've got to factor into that, okay, is that Napoleon notoriously had sex like a horny dog.

It was like two seconds. Oh, yeah, how was that for you? Yeah. And then he was like... I imagine he's still got all his medals on. Yeah. He's still got his sword on. So it's rattling.

Yeah. And he just gets his little member out. Yeah. And he goes, ah! Immediately. And then he zips it back up. Yeah. Yeah.

It's four really big thrust. And then he's like, well, tries to cuddle. I mean, she was like, oh, Christ. She, he meets her in 1795, and she was a star of the quote, damp dress scene. So after the terror had subsided. This is sort of girls gone wild stuff, like wet t-shirt competition. So Rob's PA gets executed. The terror subsides.

And then everyone starts dressing in these, like, see-through dresses. And then they wet them so they stick to their bodies. And I mean, this is just French filth, really. Absolutely. It's disgusting. Yeah. But he meets her and then she smiles and he sees like a black mouth. And he's just like, oh.

And also her breath must have fucking stank. Yeah, but. No, I think it would have gone beyond that. It would have smelled like. What do you mean? Well, it's like it's like it's like it's like a rock. Yeah, again, it's like a rock. Every time it's like rock.

This is such a mess. It's like stone in her mouth. It's like beyond smell. It's kind of beyond smell. The Charlie Milner story. I think if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, if it's, it's, it's, it's like it doesn't actually even smell anymore. So she wouldn't smile in portrait. portraits because she just had black teeth and like is there a place for that um so he calls her a

puss in boots and she's unimpressed by that right uh but she has a kid uh i think she's slightly older than him right she's yeah she's a cougar she's quite considerably older than i think cougar with a black mouth yeah christ um he meets her and even though she's a now poor barris as i said uh he wants to get rid of her because she's just spending all his money so he says to Napoleon, I will let you command the army of Italy as compensation if you take her off my hands. Right. So he marries her in 1796, despite intense hatred from Napoleon's family who are like, she's got fucking no teeth, man.

Yeah, and also from her, she's not a fan of him at all, really. No, she doesn't really like him either. No. But she's a single woman with the child in 1790s. She's very pragmatic, Josephine. Yeah. She had two children. Fair enough.

She had two children. So she thought he was awkward and unfashionable and disgusting. So terrible gams. Yes. So rural fit. And he had a very lank, he had lank hair on the side of his head that was going to sweaty. Like now it would be like someone dressing in like 2008 sort of fashion.

Oh wait, I got it. Someone wearing like top man. Yeah, yeah. So this is, yeah. So he's kind of wearing this sort of stuff now. And he put really spiky hair. Yeah, and he's got the Kanye West glasses, you know, from the strong.

S Club 7 is what I'm imagining. He's in S Club 7. but now, and everyone's like, guys. Yeah. He's got van slip on vans. So he, it becomes very quickly the relationship with Josephine is so one-sided as ludicrous. He writes during 1796 saying, I'm returning in three days.

Don't wash. Yes, this is very much. This is sums up their relationship. French. Yes, this is Napoleon walking in. To Josephine. Yeah. Another letter goes,

You know well that I have not forgotten the small visits to your little black forest. to your little black forest. Now is that his mouth, her mouth or a pus? Yeah, we don't know. He gets the job as commander of Italy. And this, we get to the Italian campaign. Clench your prostates, gentlemen, okay? This is Napoleon.

Think of Marino at Porto, okay? At a nowhere, this general starts knocking big fish out of the park. We're now getting, this is his first campaign. Yeah, the beginning of real history now. Real history starts in 1796, from the Polians Italian campaign. Yeah. Now, France is fighting Austria.

At this point, Austria, North Italy is basically Austrian. Uh-huh. So they're fighting in Italy. And Italy doesn't exist at this point. Italy doesn't exist. We are pre-Garibaldi. Yeah. Okay.

Italy is just this kind of sexual harassment peninsula. This grope is stand. Before they realize, we've got a lot of cultural ties here. Yeah, yeah. We all like to grope and... Do you kiss your mother on the mouth? Because I do.

We should make... We should make a country. Why are we separate countries? What are we doing? We should be like a... Why don't we, and Schlossi... Ansonia. Yeah.

So Garibald is the first man that realizes that people in Milan kiss the mum on the mouth, as well as people in Palermo. Right. We should all be one country. Have you ever kissed your mum on the mouth as a... No, she's Scottish. God forbid. If she was dying, would you kiss her on the mouth?

Maybe no. Maybe no. Maybe no. Meth... I don't know. I kiss my dad in the mouth. Oh, yeah. He can't stop going to kiss.

on the mouth. Every time he goes through a big kiss in the mouth. Yeah. Tung. Yeah. Probably he's better to kiss your dad than your mom. I think so. I think a true, a straight man kisses his dad in the mouth. Yeah. And then shakes his mother's hand. Right. Thanks, ma'am. Yep. Thank you. Oh, daddy. Anyway. So, we must get back to the Italian campaign. I'm sorry. I'm just imagining

kissing my dad. Because it's the 18th century. Okay, went in Rome. Now, you could kiss him like... Oh, Charlie. Charlie, we'd nearly... It's Italian campaign.

It's a Italian campaign. It's 45 minutes in me. We haven't even started our first campaign. But you can do it like, you're killing it. What do you mean, you're killing it? What do you mean? At work. Yeah, just, you know...

Now, Napoleon's appointment to the head of the Italian army is a gamble, but then again, they have got rid of all of their generals. He's done so well in too long, and because he started having sex with the horrible blackmouth Caribbean

Iman Josephine Jimineum Josephine I don't know if she spoke like that it's French Martinique I've got a mate who lives there

How do they sound Mangerra is it that or I think it's more like kind of classically French yeah right might get a bit of fusion

I don't know yeah pre Italian campaign this is not is this the main front of the war at this point or has he been

sent to a lesser front of the war so there is a move to go through the Rhine into the First Reich of the Holy Roman Empire so that's where

I think, now, correct me if I'm wrong, in 1792, Britain and Austria and what maybe is Prussia, declare war on France, and then I think Austria and Prussia maybe try to invade, or there's talk of invasion through the Rhine, but then Napoleon says, well, if I go through Italy, I could get up through Italy into Vienna and stop them there and really put the willies up them.

And I think that's maybe what he's doing. So he's basically turned the Italian front into the central campaign when it's not the central campaign. I think everyone thinks, we'll give, in Napoleon, Italy, because really we're going over the Rhine and going that way.

But then he makes, he draws people in? I believe we're also in the era of the Austrian Netherlands, if you can fathom such a thing. I don't want to. I mean, Fritzel times Dutch people, unthinkable. I can't imagine the crimes they commit sexually. The Fritzel Frank Coalition.

The Fritzel Fract. My God. Fritzel does not need to go to Amsterdam The Dyer of Anne Fritzel Walking through the windows Oh my God I hate this red light district Yeah

Travesty in the basement meets travesty in the attic It's just It's just basement windows Going fucking hell That's disgusting Yeah that's just the red light district With the raw fritzels

And then they look up Oh my God Oh no there's a Jewish room with it Yeah Anyway The Austrian Netherlands are a thing. So I think maybe there's talk of going north

as well, because Belgium doesn't exist yet. I know listeners. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine a world without Belgium. The prelapsarian bliss before Belgium, right? But again, no one had thought, hey, do you fuck kids and like chocolate? Because I like kids and fuck chocolate.

You know, it's the beginning of nation states of nation building. You know? This is why This is such good history. Finally, I can, I get what's going on, you know. Anyway, so he's 26 at this point. And the Italian army obviously can't coordinate with each other.

Right. Pluza-Shaunch, right? This is the long road to Mussolini. It's quite disparage of life. In North Africa. So, why is he so good, okay, in Italy? Firstly, he's the first, it's the first time. post-revolution that a general

or a commander is actually just talking to troops and going up being like, you know what? How are you? Yeah. How are you though? Was he, is it like a men's mental health guy? He's a men's mental health guy. Right? Hey. Does he get at Southgate them a little? Totally, Garrette. He sits on a chair backwards and goes, but what's really going on?

We're out here in Italy, but how are you? You know? I know the war's going well, but what's going on in here? You know? Open up. No, he talked before that, it all been... I guess because he hasn't come from noble birth, he probably... Yeah, exactly, but also it's the post-revolution. So the social mobility is the first time that exists, really. So his army start really loving this guy.

Yeah. Because they feel like he cares about them. Yeah. So they just all love him. They call him the little corporal. And he has this battle at Lodi, right? Now, in the Napoleonic Wars, there are a series of buzzwords, which basically, if you hit them hard enough, make men of age 14 and overcome.

Right. Right. Lodi, Alstelitz, Leipzig, Waterloo, Waterloo, Lipsing, you know, right. Now, what's fascinating about this is that, is that a lot of these aren't actually that good. It's just that Napoleon arguably invents propaganda. Yes. Because there's actually a huge propaganda war on both sides.

Now, he actually makes a lot of his own myths. Right. Whereas, I think, not to run ahead, to compare him with Nelson, Nelson kind of earns that, that reputation. Nelson's a big myth maker himself, though. and he's a huge self-promoter. He has the aesthetic.

I know, but I'm talking about the actual military. Obviously, a lot of what Napoleon does is phenomenal, militarily. This is more principled as a person. But then actually, a lot of Napoleon's smoke and mirrors. Right. So Lodi, what happens? This is in May 1796. Basically, there's a heavily defended bridge by the Austrians.

And the military, what's the word? Not etiquette, but doctrine. military doctrine would say well you don't attack a heavily defended bridge Napoleon just goes fuck it do it live charges over and I think basically

the fact that he charges over spooks them so much I mean men die but he takes the bridge and this is kind of in this day and age you don't you know warfare is a pre-agreed it's a kickoff time

there's a kickoff time to wars Napoleon does away with this in Italy he also he has this is where he starts splitting armies into two outflanking people. He also gets his armies to live off the land and to forage.

So he doesn't have to deal with supply trains. Now this is a big thing. Up until this point, armies have... It's decisive and quick as soon as he sees a weakness. He just... Get everything into that. But he also, basically, his armies live off the land.

They forage. Off like villages. They get... Not truffles. Not pigs. They're not sniffing for truffles. They're not truffle pigs. Quite a luxury, I think,

to feed the whole army on just truffles. It's quite like... It's quite a delicacy. see, I think they need. So they're not really foraging. The pigs don't eat the truffles, by the way. My uncle has truffle pigs. He's a truffle pig, a guy.

Right. Where? In Somerset. Wow. Anyway, the point is that before this, right, warfare was at pre-agreed to the kickoff time, and these armies would walk it as one with a huge supply train, right?

What Napoleon does, he goes, fuck the supply train, right? They're slowing us down. We're just going to walk, and as we encounter villages, we'll nickle their bread. You know. So they're not just grabbing onions.

We'll grab onions. Oh, they are. Yeah, they are grabbing onions. They're doing that as well. As they move, they're not, they're finding what they, well, they're taking what they find. They're not being supplied. Yeah. Right.

Which means that he can also spread his forces. So he's suddenly, he's got three different forces walking at once, rather than this one slow, old ship of a force. They'd hunt boars. So they would kind of hunt. They'd hunt pigs and so they go hunting while, while they're on the move. Anyway, this means there's a lot of outflank. in the Italian campaign.

And so quite quickly, there's victory after victory. Lodi is the one. It also means you can draw people in. If you split your force up and they think you'll play with one force, it means you can direct where they go. This is the great thing about the Polyonic Wars.

Warfare is basically there are three things. There's infantry, cavalry and artillery. And it's how you combine those to try and beat the opponent. And you're trying to get the opponent to do something, which would then mean you have a superiority.

You're waiting for the mistake, basically. But you're also trying to get them to do the mistake. And then so you can have an overload. Exactly. You can encourage them, you know. It makes you sound very clever. It makes you sound like you want, you could have done it. Yes.

Because you could have. Well, with hindsight, yeah, I think I could. No, but even. I think I would have thought of everything. But if warfare was this, I could do it because I understand it. Yeah. As soon as it became about like tanks and fucking artillery and air superiority and material.

This is the most moving stuff around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Make him go there. Yeah. Right. Oh, come here.

Yeah. He comes there and then you fuck him over there. Yeah. Done. I'm a genius. Hide in a forest. I've got a fin tailor complex, you know. People are showing up schools in my name.

He'd also, he'd like pinch people's ears and like pull their noses as a sign of affection. And like, oh, Pem, you know, what's this by New Year? Kind of. Troops loved him. Right. They love. So David Brent. Kind of.

He would also grab noses so hard that women and officers cried out in pain or had physical bruises. because I don't think he knew where to stop, really. So then he establishes a bunch of Italian republics. And he's also basically making policy on the hoof at this point. So he's not, he has no right. He has no authority to do this. But he's acting out. He's just saying, oh, yeah, we're going to take this part of the French Empire.

Yeah. And maybe we're just going to take these republics. All these sort of, yeah, all the rules that are just, you don't normally break. But I guess there's such a vacuum because it's all, every two years, there's a new authority in charge of Paris. Yeah. He's just like, I'm on the ground, fuck it. So he establishes the

cisalpine republics, very heteronormative republic. But he thinks we're going to spread revolutionary ideals, liberty, equality, blah, blah, blah. Now, while this is happening, Josephine's obviously away. Is she getting railed yet?

We don't know. I think she's constantly getting railed. He also, now, one of the big bains of Napoleon's early career, is Josephine's dog, a pug called... How is Josephine? Fortunee.

Yeah. Right. He loves a puss, hates her pug. Fortunee was sleep in her bed. Yeah. And it basically... He was very jealous of Fortune. It bit Napoleon on the leg during their wedding night.

So he's trying to rail his new bride. And then there's a pug. Yeah. He screams his hat falls off. He's wearing his big hat. He's wearing his big hat and his metal. I mean, it's basically, it's an actual growler. Yeah.

you're trying to have sex with her the little pug it's like the Philip Paulman where you've got the what they called the little shadow puppet the puppets

you know you like you're familiar yeah yeah like your polar bear your patronus or whatever right right right she's got a little pug that basically protects her

when you tries to have sex with her I mean I you know I mean I have a dog and the dog is just there when we have sex really? Yeah it's not involved

obviously but it's there is it loving it no it's confused and every now and then Every, you know, every once in a 50 times, whatever, I'll catch its eye. And I think, oh, that's weird. When you kick it out?

Or is it sleep in your room? She's under the bed. Right. Isn't it more like I've made it now? If I've got, with my partner and I've got my dog and... Oh, I think you're talking from the dog's perspective. No, no, from my perspective. I've got a dog end of a wife.

Yeah, it does put you off your stroke somewhat when you see a dog just looking like, what the fuck? What are you doing in that? Yeah. Whatever you're doing, but it fucking smells insane. You know? Yeah. It does put you off slightly.

Do you ever tap out so you can tap in? Come on, mate. You take over. I'll go on the dog, Ben. It's, I'm fucking climbing up hill here. You get involved. Absolute dog dinner down there. Get after it.

Anyway, now, the key thing about the Italian campaign, right, is that he develops his military style. this is when he first starts to say things like one must never interrupt the enemy when he is making a mistake the movement is much quicker than any other force he's trying to encourage chaos surprise he's doing away with this

previous thing where war is like a formal dance and stuff and so by 1797 he's famous because he has been writing letters and pamphlets about this amazing campaign and you know I think he just something where it's not that amazing well in the book we read yeah uh the loady battle is not actually that what he does isn't actually

that good right and he loses a lot of men yeah but he basically makes it a brand he's like he starts making yeah he starts making beats by napoleon he starts making insignia so so he basically everyone who fought there gets like a loady medal or a standard or something and that's why the silhouette of napoleon so iconic and this idea of him being short and all that because it's all part of the branding that's what I mean. Every battle, the battles may not actually that be good. That's my point.

They're not as good as Nelson's, right? But he brands them. So I think you'd have a staff and you'd have like Lodi, Marengo, Alstilitz. He's like these are his big moments. And he's myth-making as it happens, right? Anyway, while he's in Italy, he is sending desperate love letters to Josephine.

I can't wait to smell your horrible. Horny letters. This is a golden age of horny letters. Yes. But Josephine has begun having an affair with a dandy called Hippolyte. Yeah. Hippolyte. Charles.

Tight-panted 24-year-old. Yeah. So, yeah, she's getting like someone who can actually have sex. But he's a massive puff, ruthetically. Yeah. He's a proper dandy. Right. Tight-panted.

Yeah. And he's 24. He's like heavily perfumed. Yeah. But he can actually have sex. sex with her rather than Napoleon's. Yeah. And so they're like reading out

his love letters in Paris laughing. And again, it's just building. I mean, that's humiliating. It's just building this in-cell. Your wife cheating on you and then laughing at your... You're like, I can't wait to have a second to you again. And she's like, yeah, whatever, mate. And then this is like, this like snooty gay guy having sex with her.

And they're like, I mean, it's just building into this in-cell, this rage in Napoleon. Many historical sources approach Josephine's behaviour with understanding saying that Napoleon approach sex the same way he did military campaigns quickly. When you say historical sources approach it with understanding,

yes. Is it, if your, if your, if your husband finishes quickly, are you allowed to cheat on him? Both women in this room are nodding. Yeah, fine, fine.

So, a son is about to enter marriage, I think you need to bear that in mind. Yeah. The rules, I guess. Two seconds was the average time I mean, how do we know this? How is that guy lasting that long? Two seconds.

Christ, is he having a break in between? Who's this stud horse? His valet confirmed the rumours. He was not interested in prolonged seduction, tending to satisfy himself rapidly before returning to work. Yes, he's a workaholic. He's a workaholic, yeah.

It's a release, isn't it? You're a big long sex guy, is it like, would you say you're like, because a lot of the time, a big thing for me in sex is like, I've got other stuff to be done. Like there's some people who it's like... It's quite repressive after, you know...

For some people who it's like six out and it's like that all they think about is these long sessions. It's like, well, yeah, there's other aspects. We gotta eat. Yeah, I got a job, like, I don't know. I think naturally, are you quite like a... No, maybe like 15 minutes.

I'd rather do something, you know. But like, I do. But I do, really, I'll imagine my dad. Are you like an all... Are you like an all... When I'm trying not to come. Yeah, fine. I'll imagine my dad there, like,

we're looking really sad. Really? I can't do that because my dad kissing me in the mouth so I'll just bust. When I need to come, I imagine my dad kissing me. He's just in the corner like either annoyed or sad. I think of a smelly fridge. Do you?

No, that won't stop it. Again, you're just getting me going now. It's reminding me with my wife. Like coming back to a full salad drawer after you've been away for a month. Anyway. Christ, absolute Phil. That's the end of part one.

Napoleon is dominating. It's Italy. Yeah. Joseph means being dominated by a dandy. By a dandy. And on the next part, we will deal with his British rival, Admiral Horatio Nelson.

The one-eyed, one-armed, genius. Is there a sex picture called the Nelson? I don't know, is there? Where you bet you come in her eye and then kick her in the leg? Oh, it'd be the arm, wouldn't it? It'd be cut her arm off and kick her in the eye.

Oh, yeah, it wouldn't, yeah. That's already on the Patreon, along with the first five parts of this epic, this epic series. Men, it's happening. They're doing the Napoleonic Wars. Come on. So that's, so basically up to part five will be up to the end of Trafalgar. That's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month you get instant access. On our bonus episodes, we will be discussing Sharp.

We'll be discussing Burke and Hair. which is around this time. What else are we discussing? Oh, the history of cuckolds. That's a lot of fun. Anyway, sign up for three pounds a month. And if not, we'll see you next time to get into Nelson. We're off and away on our biggest series to date.

From all of us here, goodbye. Goodbye. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.com.ca.