Fin vs History - Hitler’s Farty Pig Forest Party | Dunkirk Part 2: Blitzkrieg

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

While Hitler’s Doctor is trying to stop him farting, his troops are nailing amphetamines and storming through France in what proves to be the high point of the Nazi Stag. The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/fintaylor CHAPTERS: 00:00 Sniffskrieg 04:07 The French Iron Dome 09:20 British Expeditionary Force Loves Tun Tun 15:32 Monty and Gorty 18:16 Nazi Working Breakfast 22:27 Hitler’s Farty Techno Convoy 26:14 Dr Theo Morell 31:39 Nazi Stag Gets Going 34:06 Churchill’s Sticky Wicket 39:24 Panzademonium 42:39 Nazi Super Soldier Drug 45:35 First Nazi War Crime Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLOR.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Welcome back to Pindex history, beside me some ratio gawls. And today we're talking about sniffs. It's Nazi sniffs. It's, oh my God, I'm excited. This has got...

This has got me wet as buttered crumbes. This has got me wet as buttered crumbes. I'm just it's just seeping through me so drugs at glastonbury you find that annoying this is the opposite of glastonbury this is the the blitzkrieg is the opposite of glastonbury both similar drugs similar similar drugs but used correctly to invade the french i'm on board um today this is part two of our series on dunkirk yeah um now we left off with churchill had become prime minister on the 10th of may british politician whose bottom he didn't have a broken bum

his bum was intact and as such he is the only one who can handle the job in and his darkest hour is when his bum comes close to break close to breaking but he holds it in Britain's bum that's never been so close to breaking that's in the end of May 1940

Smelliest hour Britain's Smelliest hour this is you know if you've just joined us stop listen to episode one this is key information if you're not aware of Dunker if you're Australian or New Zealand, which is the same thing. Medically thick.

If you're medically thick or Australians, as I like to call them. If you're American, you know, these people don't know about Dunker. No. Because they weren't really around at this point. Well, France, Britain and America each teach World War II as they're the ones who won it. No, no, no, France don't do that. Oh, sorry. Britain, America and Russia.

They each have a huge myth building about World War II. France go That was a very dark time For cheese production Yeah And this is our This is in the whole war This is when we're most important

This is Britain's This is when we win the war Yeah It's five years before it ends So Churchill is Prime Minister Now before we get into The Sniffs

The Sniffs Krieg We need to talk about The Lay of the Land To the few ladies Who listen This is going to get Quite male We're getting

This is military history at its finest. This is arguably war doesn't get more exciting. What are you doing in the shed in the garden? Go away, Linda. I'm having my quiet time. I saw you, Alan. You just sat in the car. You got home from the shops 20 minutes ago.

What do you do? I'm listening to military history. Go away. This is real red meat for us, men. The Blitzkrieg, Hitler's high-pressing, you know, revolutionary warfare. there. Why is it so devastating? I mean, it is a lot like football, to be fair, the tactical difference with Blitzkrieg

and to how football used to be. It is very similar to Liverpool. Yeah, it is. And coming into these rigid sort of formations and the only way to break down sort of Guadiola assistant football. Well, you know how the Germans, you know, this is what the English recently,

like 10 years ago, tried to remodel is the Germans after the disaster of the, I think it's the 2006 World, no, 2002 World Cup. They were like, right, we're going to start again. We just completely tear everything down. They basically go, we good at?

Yeah. Oh yeah. Invading people. Yeah. So let's flood the pitch forward. Let's go fast. Let's make a spearhead and then the defence can just sort of move up at the back. And remember when they beat Brazil 7-1 in their backyard.

Yeah. And there was a feeling of like, Germany need to keep a lid on it. Yeah. Yeah. This is not quite traumatic. This is not cricket. It's quite triggering the Germans doing, winning that well, you know. In the same way that that match got uploaded to Pornhub.

Yeah. I'd quite like this invasion. to get unloaded to porn. What would the title be? Horde of blitzed up crouts, fuck France before it can turn around. I don't know. So why is it so effective?

Well, on the French side, we've got to talk about the defense that they, or what they were planning for. So we need to talk about something called the Maginot Line. De Selli. They got great taram. They've got some great defenders.

Yeah, the French do make good defenders, ironically. Dallas. Galas, well, no, it's so similar to Galas in that, at the end of Galas's career, he sat on the bench and just like, if you play me, I'm going to score it and go I want to leave. That's kind of

what the French do here. So this is footage if you're watching of the Maginot line. Now the Maginot line was built in about 1928, well, it started in 1928, and it was this at the time, state of the art, defensive what would you call it like

compounds, like it's a line of a line of fortifications. Yeah, it's a line of fortification. Basically, it's intended to be a permanent defense against German attacks. It's so the World War I doesn't happen again. Which, yeah. So they think that if Germans are going to attack again, it's going to be the same as last time. Yeah.

And it's going to be trench warfare. It's going to be static. Yeah. So they go, well, if it's static, rather than digging mucky, Glastonbury holes, yeah. Let's make a big line of like glamping. It's a low block. Yeah.

It's a, yeah. It's not a high rise. It's a low rise. Yeah. And so it's tunnel systems. I mean, if you're watching, they are, they're glazing ham in there. They're eating patte.

This is the most French. This is a state of the art defense and then we have lunch. And then there's the chefs. Yeah. Again, this is part of the issue if you're watching is that it is mainly a Michelin-style restaurant. What the fuck? This is their army. Why are you showing a dumb waiter and fucking like chef?

This is the French iron dome. Right? And it's literally a. kitchen. This is why the Germans take France so easily is that, you know, the Israelis have got this system where it detects any object, missile, civilian aircraft, Palestinian family, who cares, bomb it, right? The French are like, and then we take this sauce and we just, we add some butter, we take it off

the heat. And then, oh, look at that we have a beautiful, yeah, we haven't solved anything. A beautiful pan sauce made from the foam, which is the skin of the brown chicken that is burnt onto the pan. We use that flavor to accentuate the sauce. What's that? Oh, no. The genitals, yeah, right.

So this line stretches for 750 kilometers along the French border with Italy, Germany, Luxembourg, Y, and southern Belgium. Luxembourg, they're the Belgium, I'd say. Yeah, well, Belgium is France. Thank you for correcting me. Christ. This is all France until it gets to Holland. Yeah. And they're lucky.

Yeah. They'd be lucky if they get their own country. Well, if the Dutch weren't such sex freaks, they would be Germans. Yeah. But they are, I think they're on the edge. Yeah. They're looking over their shoulder. Final warning.

Yeah. If you act any more German, you are getting anxious. Yeah, exactly. If Germany legalizes prostitution, it's all Germany. It's all Germany.

Yeah, exactly. So, it is a state-of-the-art compound, as we've seen, but it's a state-to-the-art... It's very satisfying for, like, a zoom-out military tactics map sense.

It's a very satisfying thing that happens. It's beautiful. It's unbelievable. We are going to be, there's going to be some map stuff this episode. Because it's actually very simple. That's what, that's why it's very a lot of the time it's very

impenetrable military history but this bit is very easy to understand. Yeah it is it easy to understand here. So if you look at the map you've got this France have gone right the Germans are not going to invade over our main border with them going to shore that up. Yeah it makes sense

plug that hole yeah can we make code de birth while we're plugging that hole we can of course brilliant absolutely is it one big wine cellar fantastic is it just France underground great Can we surrender from there? Lovely.

Lovely. Then you've got Belgium, which is... Now, the start of Belgium and France, that start of that border is covered by the Ardennes Forest. Yeah. Charlie, get the pig off the screen. We're trying to look at the...

There are lots of pigs in the Ardennes, apparently. Okay, that is relevant. There are a lot of pigs. So... We'll make a lovely kind of boar stew. Lovely boar stew. Well, the Germans go through the Ardennes.

So that's probably why, because they go, who's that? Lovely piggyies. There's pigies in there. Let's go. I feel quite hungry, actually. That would go lovely with some bitter pills and a beer And some kraut

Some kraut, some kraut and pig So then there's the Ardennes Which it's quite hilarious how they leave that unmanned There's no defences there Because they go well it's trees in it That one can go through there Trees and pigs Trees and pigs

Who's going through there? That is impenetrable Well that forest with a big road in it Impenetrable Not a restaurant inside There's no restaurants There's no toilets There's trees

There's pigs You'd have to be fucking mad To launch and invasion through there You'd have to be Hannibal crossing the Alps. My God, that's never going to... Do you know what? We'll have two blokes on chairs, smoking rollies, with a caraff of red.

They can watch that, because it's just not worth putting any manpower in the Ardennes. So is it why they did it? It's because the natural... It wasn't because... It was Belgian, and that's not France anymore. No, but it is the border with France. It's the Ardennes Forest.

Right. It's air-conditioned. They're having wine. They're making beef, Wellington. You know, they're frying green beans and the fat of beef, whatever. So the BEF, the British Expeditionary Force, the Bef, these lads. I love Beff.

I love, is it in a tin? Can I have some tin, Beth? These Beffy boys, these big beefy boys from Britain, they've got 390,000 British troops have gone to France pretty much as soon as the war breaks out. But they're not fucking doing anything. And it must be stressed that this is, the British army at this point is not infantry, really.

We're not a great land power. Well, World War I, they basically kill all the blokes yeah like dead yeah and then they've gone right if we're going to have an army let's let's just let's be like uh let's make planes and ships yeah and machines and not just chucked men into a pasta machine for four years yeah yeah turns out that didn't really work yeah yeah so the expeditionary force is sort of their entire land army as we don't understand it and they're in france and they're you know they're just having a great time it's it's a holiday yeah these people this is before cheap air travel yeah people don't go abroad

So they're like, fucking hell. You've seen what they're done to that goose? French stick and butter. Lovely. This bread's amazing. Yeah. What's great about this bread? You can shove it up your ass.

Is that what they do over here? Yeah, because when you get a loaf and you had to scrunch it. It's soft. Yeah. I get the loaf and I squeeze it into pellets and it doesn't go off as much. It's not as pliable. This stick just goes straight up there. Did your nan call it a French stick?

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. The longest bagette ever baked. Thank you, Charlie, was 461 feet long. Near Paris. Yeah. by this guy.

Some of it. I can't imagine how long it is. Wow. Again, that's actually the Magno line there. It's a series of French bakers with a very long baguette covering from Cannes in the Sands of France

all the way up to the Ardennes forest is a very, very long baguette. And they think there's no way the Germans can get past that. Yeah. Unless we get hungry and start eating away into baguette. It's two days old that baguette, so it's rock solid.

It's going very hard. So what the, what the berf? Let's talk about the burghers. our boys our brave boys that are over there during the phony war nothing's really happening

so what is the phony war we talked about it briefly it's just like eight months which people don't really talk about because it was boring yeah no fuck all happens yeah we're at war are we

narratively unsatisfying World War II in general is very narratively satisfying you get the big explosion at the end there's a real rise and fall it really maps really nice it's got a beginning

a middle and the end the phony war is like doesn't quote doesn't work most of it works so well narratively you should start and then you should we should have started here well this is where it kicked

but the phony war is just wetting the whistle it's tension it's the yeah I guess so it's the sound it's the sound that's always going up like in the nose of test cricket yeah it's day one day two days I mean the test that's you know the India test it's like the first three days were fucking boring

last two days oh hello this is why we invest in it now it's getting spicy but not too spicy that's why you have the balance has the flavors with the batter you want to cut through the vinegar with some milk or some deliplo like just all softens a sauce

so they're in French port towns, the BEF and they're expecting the Germans to come through Belgium. They're not going to go through the big baguette that stretches from Italy down to the belly. They can't. They're not going to go through the forest full of pigs.

They'd have to be mad. You'd be mad. You'd be mad to go through it there. So they go they come through Belgium like they did in World War I so we'll put all our boys there and they're in all these port towns and they're fucking having a great time. Great weekend. It's a great weekend. Gent.

Bruges. Bruges. You see it in an afternoon. Yeah. If you're going, do all three in about two days. If that. If that.

It really is a whistle stop tall. I reckon fuck off, Gent, to be honest. Yeah. I reckon just... Bruges. Bruges. Half an hour.

Half an hour. Tenually. You do that in half an hour, Bruch. It really is tiny. It's a square. It's a square. And it's some...

Everywhere does the same beer and chips. It's very pretty, but it's... There's a pissing boy. Is that in Brussels? The pissing boy statue? You rub his little Willie and... I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know if I was on that tourist... You're immune from being a paed. I don't know what the fucking thing is. Anyway, yeah, so there's red light districts in all the major port cities and in Sherborg, particularly prostitution was especially rife and there's a... There's a

quote from a guy called William Harding, who's a British gunner who apparently in September 39 he's walking along the narrow streets of the town and goes, oh, it started raining and he looks up and realizes it's all British troops pissing out of brothel windows. Right. And apparently, the prostitutes would wear nothing but g-strings and high heels.

Sex costs 10 francs, which is twice what a beer would cost. I'd be like, I'll just have two beers, please. No, keep your mucky tuntun. You can keep your mucky tinton. And I'll have a Kronenberg, please. Two cronenbergs, no sex. And apparently while there's, obviously, there's cues of people waiting, apparently what the prostitutes would do,

come out of their rooms between clients, wipe their tuntuns with a rag, and then throw it into the crowd. What a russ clots? Drusklart, throw it into the crowd of British troops And the troops would scramble for the rag Like a rugby scrum fighting for a ball Well, we know what to do with our

Instead of a t-shirt cannon at our live podcasts Yeah, dirty, dirty poo-poo pan cannon We have a rasclark canon To our entirely male audience In the end, yeah, yeah, we're going to wipe our bums We're going to get French prostitutes White their tuntlet on a dirty rasclars. No, we're going to wipe the production.

It's going to be limited edition Finn versus history rasclark can't we're going to spend the preceding our ass. We'll say it's French prostitutes, but we've actually just wiped our ass on it. Yeah, exactly. We're a small team. We cannot bring French prostitutes into the fold. You know, we need an editor before we need a French

prostitute. We could do a call out on Instagram. Are there any French prostitutes that follow this? Who are willing to wipe their mucky tincter with a rass clark. Yeah, but several rasclars. We need to be mass-produced. Yeah. It's merch. It's a merch. It's stinky merch. It's stinky merch. Yeah.

signed stinky rascal arts. And then obviously a lot of men catch VD, funnily enough. Right. With the whole... It's probably from being huffing all that stinky tintin. Well, it's probably that tunton tennis they're playing. French rugby, whatever it's called.

Basically, Montgomery, who will come to, is one of the British heroes of the World War II. Autistic. Yes. Double autism. Never has so much been done by one autistic guy. That's that quote, isn't it? Because this is the most British Brit is the most autistic autistic.

Monty, we'll get to... In the way that it's like the Frenchest French guy is the gayest gay guy. Yeah. The British British guy is the most autistic, autistic guy. Yeah, he's like the Northern Lights for British Autism in the, you know, it's just, it's a miracle to witness. Anyway, so a lot of men catch VD, and so Monty sends a memorandum about how to prevent disease, and he advocates for French lessons so that the troops could ask the police the way to the doctors

and the chemists. However, it was condemned by the Church of England because it basically meant you just encouraging people to keep fucking. Now there's also a guy called Lord Gort who he needs to deal with. Lord Gort. Viscount Gort who the podcast I listened to sort of said that he should be given much more credit because it's his idea to evacuate to Dunkirk. Right.

Churchill removes the command from him quite quickly, I think. Apparently he was quite, he wasn't that good. But apparently the whole thing is his idea. Okay. The foreback to Dunker. What was interesting about the British kind of up-rechelons in politics and because it's such a hierarchical society it is like there's a pool of

300 bloats you can do any of these jobs right yeah it's like you can't do it but it's going to be your mate down the right there's another Viscount down the right yeah it's just there's such a small pool of people that are actually going to have all the educations to actually do these jobs so it's like yeah it's not like

they've earned their way to be there it's just like they've been born to the right place right yeah yeah so yeah Gort's called a glorified boy scout by people and he's more preoccupied with like birds He's a bird watcher and tie knots He gets demoted after Dunkirk

He is a cod appreciator But people say that he would Yeah the whole thing wouldn't have happened Without him ordering the retreat Right Okay Anyway so that's the Maginot Line It's a big stick of bread

And now we must get to The Germans So the Germans Hitler's wanted to invade the West Since like October Right Because he's just like I'm seeing the Matrix now

He's going in. I'm like, let's go to another place, man. It's going out. I've got on Poland's, whatever, I'm bored. Let's go to me. It's not quick enough. You go somewhere else, man. Grocery shopping.

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slash ion cards. So what his big thing is he doesn't have the numbers to invade France, right? Because the French... French got so many troops. Millions. An amazing army. And they've got the biggest baguette ever been at the base, right? So

terrifying. Yeah. But Hitler now supposedly you need invading force to be successful. You need a three to one overman power but in February 1940 there is a working breakfast in the rice cancelery right again

I'd love to be a fly on the wall A working breakfast A Nazi working breakfast No the French have never had a working breakfast in their life No Because it's like well we have breakfast Sorry are we working or are we having breakfast What are we doing?

Can you pick one It's a working lunch Same problem Are we working or are we having lunch So in 1940 working breakfast where they discussed

the Ardenplan now there are three generals Guderian van Manstein and some other guy and these are like the head of the Van Manstein Van Manstein

That's good Great I mean He's a Van Manman He's a Van Manstein He's a Van Manstein He's a Van Manstein Which is German for beer

Yeah Yeah Van Man beer Van Man beer So they discuss How they're going to How they're going to invade France

Because they're actually terrified of how big the baguett is They're like, we can't get through. So they come up with this plan where they go, we're going to develop these Panzer divisions, which are... Fast-moving light tanks?

Well, it's not actually that many about tanks. It's more about the motorbikes, transport, it's mechanized warfare. Yeah. And... Hell's Angels. It's Hell's Angels. Yeah. Which, again, this is all operating in the shadow of World War I

where everyone just dug a hole and stood there. And everyone's assuming That's what's going to happen again. But the Germans, what the Germans actually have invented better than anyone is radios. Yes. And so the reason that they can get in the motorbike

or the little tank and bomb ahead is that they can then talk to their mate on via radio whereas the French have got like telegram cables. They've got baguettes in the earth. It's after lunch. They don't discuss anything at lunch. No, no, no. They're eating.

Exactly. And then they've got, they're still reliant on dispatch riders. Yeah. And they've got hollow baguette. and they shout down and that's the only way that they...

Oh yeah and there's a guy in the beginning what are you saying and there's like two rolls and a bit of string I was amazed

by how the Germans didn't even have that many motorised vehicles it's not actually that much yeah

no less tanks and then less everything really the French are reliant on messages being conveyed by dispatch riders

there's some come on a horse and he's French and he's like oh I reckon you could eat that you know he's like trying to eat

to eat his horse so the message didn't get across and what they realize is that if we were to use the Panzer divisions

to basically punch a hole really fast then they can establish... Through defences that are built for attritional warfare. We can establish a spearhead and then the cunts with horses which is most of the German panda divisions

actually infantry, they can catch us up and we can surround an orient that like penetrate in from behind break through the rigid 442 and then so they're going well how do we do this because they've got the big baguette you've got the British expositionary force by Belgium. We're not going to go through the pig

forest, because it would take three days and three nights. Yeah, there's pigs in there. I'm terrified of pigs. And there's trees. So you wouldn't be able to see the pigs from the trees. The longest orgasm in mammals is that of the domestic pig, which is on average 30 minutes, but it can last for as long as 90 minutes. So is it sort of British sitcom length?

Or a 90s feature film. Or a football match? A football match. It can last 90 minutes? Yeah. It's like a short indie feature. Yeah. Right.

Like the Ballad of Wallace. Ireland. that's yeah that's how that's the length of a pig is coming yeah pigs are really enjoying that film um anyway i thought it was good but i would have enjoyed a lot more if i was coming for 90 minutes be the best one i've ever seen i mean i find people eating popcorn this is my annoying though if there's a pig literally coming for ah can you not do that in christ can you come during the adverts and then stop for the film So this is my favorite bit, right?

They're talking about how do we get from through the Ardennes with the Panzer divisions because we'd need to travel for three days and three nights. And then this is where they go, have you heard about this thing called methamphetamine? No, I haven't. No one has. No. Well, they're giving it to people, they're giving amphetamins to people as vitamin injections to just be more focused and stuff. biohacking.

They're biohacking in the 40s. And so they realize that if you give the panzer division soldiers meth, they don't have to sleep. Right. And so that's how they go, well, we could go through the pig forest if we're all on meth. Because who gives the fuck? I'm on meth. I'm on meth.

Everything's a pig forest when you're on meth. Yeah. Everything's a pig forest when you're on meth. so the German military then order the massive German pharmaceutical giant they order millions of dosages of methane Big farmer. Big farmer. Yeah. Big pig farmer. Pig farmer. So there's a great book

called Blitz which is a narcotic history of the Third Reich which I've read. Yeah. Goes without saying. Yeah. Call the guy. Call the der guy. There's a historian called Norman Euler who basically realized that historians had missed this entire higher aspect of the Blitzkrieg. Norman. Norman.

Norway. Norway, Norman. Absolutely brilliant book. So what's the image choice? Because they could have gone so many different directions with the image. They've just got Hitler

looking slightly bleak. Yeah. It's not even subtle cover, I think. Now, there's great story as to how Hitler ends up on gear.

Heil Hitler gets ended up on. So, Norman Erler in Blitz has used a lot of primary sources of Hitler's physicians and the Nazi generals. His dealers? Yeah, he's a fan of all the Nazi dealers. Yeah. And so Hitler specifically, because everyone was like, oh, is he on drugs during the, like,

the Berlin Olympics? No, no, because he's clean living. He's Chris Williamson. He's Joe Rogan. He's like, my body's a temple. Right, right. I'm a vegetarian. I'm teetotal.

Yeah. Then he has a problem with digestion, and Hitler's farting a lot. Is he? Is Hitler's farting a lot? in the late thirties. He said, blood. Like he's

Hittless farty, right? Right. And he's like, I really would like... It's undermining I'm an authoritarian... Yeah, it's undermining his vibe. And we will cleanse that

puss! Oh, nine! Yeah, it does take away from the aura. It takes away from the great... Ugh. Brother, yeah.

And V.R. the master... The master what? You can't even fucking hold your bowels in. It delivers home with an online Plot. Everyone who has not

Veit smells Yeah, that damble scene is just him on the toilet What a hit this fart sound like, do you reckon? Blip! Well, they're like that?

Blop! They're like I think they're more like Phr. They're like a ranty fart. Yeah, they're angry. Blop! That's what it sounds

His shits hit the bowl. Blub! Blop! That's what he's shitting. Yeah. Blop! Yeah. He was a great orator, of course.

Devil-tonged darshole hit the head. Anyway, Christ. So he's farting a lot. This is when Charlie actually listens to the history. Yeah, he was generally... As soon as we start talking about facts, he goes back on his, check his WhatsApp.

But then we're talking about that, it was sitting out like this. The Holocaust now, Hitler's fighting. Fartic, why, what? Hitler farser a lot. I learned so much in this. So Hitler had a farty tummy in the 30s, right?

So he finds a new doctor called Theo Morel. Right. And Theo Morel basically gives him probiotics, which at this point is like mad, revolutionary, you know, the idea of probiotics is very new. So Hitler becomes like a sort of biohacking, optimizing, athletic greens kind of guy. And Germany are very forward-looking, right, with a lot of their tonalogy. Even their military things, it's a lot about what's the newest, how we're going to kind of innovate.

Radio, tanks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but also he is, you know, fascism, health, big, big-titted women, milk, milk, milch, mootie, oh, nine, you know, you can't be farting after the... Yeah, they're not going to be people who talk about body positivity. No, no. Get the faties off magazine covers. Get that off my tell. Get them into documentaries again about how fat they are.

That's where they belong. So, he has this doctor called Morel who starts curing him with probiotics, and then he, you know, Morrell is always like pushing the boundaries of medicine going, well, you should take vitamins, which is again is a new discovery. So he's injecting Hitler with vitamin supplements, which is like... They're like to take a fish oil. Yeah, it becomes a euphemism for speed later on in the 50s. But at this point, it is just vitamins. Then in 41, when they're doing Operation Barbarossa, Hitler gets Russian flu, which is a particularly bad, like a Russian salad is bad.

It's pretty bad. Tinned. Tinned. Tinned, eggy. Anyway, but it's a really crucial military moment. There's like a military meeting. He needs to be at because he wants... He wants people to, he wants to separate the invasion rather than just attack Moscow.

And so his doctor's like, well, I could sort you out and basically gives an injection of opioids. And then Hitler's like, fuck me, that's good. My headache's completely gone and I feel completely alert. Opioids aren't methamphetamines. No, I know. Okay, right. But Hitler was never on meth. Right.

Hitler was on opioids. Okay. So Hitler then gets hooked on opioids for the next like two years. Yeah. And then the whole reason he gets all shaky. it's because he withdraws and he's off them. And then he's just like eating chocolate and shit. He's trying to fill the...

Right. So he's got his cravings. Yeah. He's got the munchies. It's like, he takes the glasses off. He's just like, you know, he's missing the open. So he took... Okay, fine.

But he's not on speed. Because I guess he's not going through the forest. He's making the decision. The troops are on speed. That high is quite different to methamphetamine. It's excee. Is exce? I think that's an amphetamine.

There's lots of different... They're all within the family. But in general, I think what it does is it's a chemical and it's all about the shape of a thing, locks in, causes your brain to be flooded with dopamine and then not let back in or something. Right. So it's like it's just stays there.

Not let the sadness in. Yeah, so normally dopamine kind of goes in and out, right? But it basically just charges it all out and doesn't let it back in. So it's just fizzing around in your head. Yeah. But this is interesting that...

But this is not ecstasy because it's not like, I just fucking love you. I fucking love you, man. They'd be like hugging pigs in the pig forest. Because it's more coquiness, because coke is like, I'm going to fucking take over the world. But ecstasy is like, you know.

We should just fucking invade France, the fucking forest. I'm going to go for that pig forest. Fuck it. Fuck it. Do you think you hit on ecstasy, do you think he'd have gone harder or do you think he'd have gone? No, no. On ecstasy, I think if it's the first time he'd come up next to me.

You go up to an orthodox tune, be like, fuck, do you know what, man? No, mate, I'm not. Do you know what, mate? I fucking love what you do with your hair. I love it, man. It looks great on you. It looks great. I want that hat.

I want that hat. Why is it so soft that hat? Here at the morning, kills them all of them. Kills them all of them. Burns a hat. So, anyway, this guy, Norman Earler, this historian, he basically, he frames the Blitzkrieg as meth versus red wine. Because he says...

So is it quite a funny book, or is it quite serious history? Well, what I can't work out is whether it's like, because he's using primary sources, you know, it's several reasons why the Germans are so successful in this. but it's not all meth but at the same time that initial Ardennes surge could not happen without amphetamines

right so it's... So Eric Hosborn's saying it's a story of factories Yeah this can't say It's a story of fucking gear It's gear versus red wine The French are drinking red wine Which they are

Slows you down Slows you down, sleepy What's your, you got red wine drunk Yeah What's your red wine drunk What do you get? What type of drunk are you on red wine? Oh, sleepy, sleepy, yeah

I thought of sleep Yeah Which is what the French are doing Yeah I'm not, I'm not a, I'm fat, I'm fat, yeah, it's all around your mouth, it's all claggy, your teeth. So, this level of efficiency means the Germans can cover 120 miles in five days. Crazy. Right.

And, you know, to look forward to it, basically, the Blitzkrieg is the German main weapon, but it's sort of their downfall in that when you're faced with Russia, which is just an unlimited men, your advance gets overstretched and you get, you know, but also why they've had to develop the Blitzkrieg as a necessity, and it's part of the Treaty of Versailles, which basically meant they weren't allowed to build up these huge tank divisions. They weren't allowed to so they had to find ways to basically be far more maneuverable because they couldn't

build up in the same way the French have. They couldn't just have two forces going at once. That's why they had to just choose one spot. Yeah. And really focus on things like motorbikes which I don't imagine were accounted for in the Treaty of Versailles which says a limited amount of tanks, planes, all that sort of stuff. I imagine they're allowed unlimited motorcycles.

Yeah, and also unlimited meth. Yes. It's like that loophole in the Quran. Exactly. You can't drink. Can I have meth? Yeah. I don't. It doesn't exist when I was, you know.

So, May the 10th, this is when the fucking stag gets going. Go on. It's 6 a.m. Right. We're at St. Pancras. We've got our passports. Where are we going? Belgium?

Oh, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Right? Let's get some tins. Living Leffa Loka. Foo. Adolf. Sorry.

blood plop so 10th of May the same day Churchill who at this point does not have a broken bum Hitler's bum is broken

he's farting a lot at this point He's not drinking red wine He's doing whiskey for breakfast He's whiskey for breakfast Yeah So imagine how angry you would be having whiskey for fucking breakfast

So is red wine versus meth versus whiskey Yeah that's essentially The Allies are whiskey and wine versus the German And we're waiting for American rye whiskey to come into Bourbon to come into the Save us all

Good, but then Bourbon's fighting rice wine I mean, it's terrifying. It's terrifying. Luxembourg surrenders on the same day as the invasion. Obviously, it's literally a doormat. It's a doormat into a dormant. What is Luxembourg? I don't know. Who cares? I'm livid when people correct me

and say, no, it's actually Luxembourg. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's France. Yeah. What are you doing so differently that you can't be part of France? Yeah. Using deodron. I doubt it. Cuxenberg. Cuxenberg. It's pretty good.

Cuxenberg's pretty good. Yeah, so they roll over immediately. The Netherlands surrender in five days. The Dutch royal family go to London. Right. So at this point, we'll get a military map up, but the Germans have just shot through the Ardennes Forge, the pig forest.

It's gone right through me, that's. And these two French blokes with a caraff of wine, like, uh, uh, uh, uh, and then everyone is in the big stick of baguette. Yeah, it's a Vindaloo. So what is so funny about this is that the French build the state of the art defences never

the likelihood's never been seen before and they leave one gap and the Germans go we'll just go through there then we probably should have plugged that gap I reckon we should have just not had a gap yeah you ever thought about that it's very satisfying

because you don't need to know anything about military history or anything to realize they should just plug back gap they left a window open and the Germans came in through the window it's just like a long wall and you just didn't do it all the way

yeah I'll go through there then but he's a bit of Peak forest. How are you getting through the pig forest? It's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday, rain or shine, you can always be building yourself a better summer. So head on over to Rona and save 35% on cans of 3.78 liter Rona interior paint. Give that room you keep saying needs a fresh coat of paint. A fresh coat of paint. Build it right. Build it Rona. Conditions apply, details in store and more offers at Rona.com.

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this is now a problem for the bit are beefy boys right in France because they're up near Belgium having a while of a time having a great time getting every STD under the sun sniffing the dirty stinky rass clarts from the French whores yeah the Germans get to is it sedan where sedan chairs come from I think I don't know don't know don't know is it my am I the host of history podcast don't know I don't know sedan sedan the country Not Sudan. Fuck me. Not Sudan.

Saddam. Saddam. Saddam. Saddam. The Germans haven't gone that far. Sudan. Not a sedan car. Oh my God.

It's a town in France. Sudan land. France. France. There you go. So the Germans then, and again, to any women listening, this is not your time. Don't worry. And your time won't come.

Also, I don't know how much, I'm how many more hints we can draw. the time is not coming what is that what is what this is peak male history what is peak female history it's obviously like suffragettes and all that stuff but it's a bit serious now the suffragettes is quite it's quite funny I guess if male history is is about the great men in the sense of like historically great men who make decisions that shape the world Hitler right yeah yeah and then fewer histories it's like do women nag men enough to change the world. Yes, you're right.

You know, it's the history of... Nagging. Nagging to create extraordinary... Are you sure we should go through the pig forest? Ama! Blot! Ah, nine! Plop!

It's like a one-man band where he's snorting a line. Ah, blood! He's got symbols between his legs. Ah, bloke. Yeah, it's the history of... I mean, in my head, the history of the Nazis, it goes...

the history of great men, then the history of great dogs, and then Ava Brown. Yeah. A blondie, I find more fascinating. There's more to Blondie than there is Ava Brown's life story, I think. Because Hitler loved his dog more than he did his wife. Yeah, of course. Yeah, he was a bloke. So, Army Group A and Army Group B, and look, look, I'm starting this sentence.

I don't know where it's going. Right. Because military history is... Confident. So, you've got the Panzer Corps, which have gone through the forest, and then you've got all the infantry and horses that are coming in behind. Right. And what they've done,

the Germans... It's interesting, they decided to go through the pig forest as opposed to through Belgium. Is Belgium more defended? No, but Belgium is where

the Maginot Line continues. Still goes. All right, fine. And, well, Belgium's got all the British expeditionary force. Right. And, because they're like,

they're coming through Belgium. Right, right, right, right. So, but they've plopped through the gap and the panzer. And what, the reason this is a problem is that it would mean

that the British expeditionary force and the French and the Belgians are completely surrounded because they're also coming through Holland. Stories like this make you feel like you could be a military commander.

Yes. When you're fighting with a map with a long, really powerful war and there's a gap in it, I think I also would have been like, let's go through there. Let's go, I'll go through there. And everyone's like, what a genius. How did he see that?

So, France is completely, they're literally, they drink their wine and they go, what? And the Germans are behind them already. 120 miles and five days. they're all the way to the coast and the British are like ah right ah and bear in mind this is the day Churchill becomes prime minister yeah so uh never has a British Prime Minister had more of a

sticky wicket to come out to so so more than Starma picking up the economy I think so yeah yeah probably probably this probably probably this so sticky wicket Belgium uh will collapse like the melted chocolate that it is chocolate teapot like cheese melted onto fries yeah who gives a shit mayonnaise luxembourg Holland they all fall

and the British expeditionary force realize they are completely surrounded by europeans coked up euro trash

motorcycle hell's angels with a farting commander in chief behind blot blondie you know the dogs

running wild terrifying um absolutely terrifying Well, it's moments, sometimes you feel European sometimes you don't. Yeah. If you're British. Yes.

It's quite an uneasy relationship. You don't know if you, you sometimes define yourself, I guess with Americans, sometimes you're like, no, I am European. I'm not, you guys. But then when you spend too much time on the climate, it's like, we are different. We're definitely not European. Yeah, exactly. And that's what the B.EF are thinking now.

Yeah. When they see this just steam, this motorcycline. This farty techno, fuck it. Farty techno convoy. We are not Europeans. And we're there smelling, you know, prostitutes, dirty fanny rags. were like, oh, they're different over here, isn't it?

You know, you know what? Sticking French sticks out of your ass. You go, you know what? Two weeks is too long for a holiday, actually. Ten days is probably what you want to do. Yeah. They've spent too long in a Belgian city. They've, exactly what they've done.

They've planned, bruised. That'll probably be three days. Half an hour. Done. Bored now. I've had three, eight percent beers. I've had some chips. Are there any smelly tunton rags I can sniff?

So, the Germans establish a bridgehead. They get all the way. to the coast pretty quickly and now there is absolute pandemonium Panzerdemonium

lovely stuff crisp Gort is like we need to retreat and everyone else is like no no no I'd be fine we'll camera attack

but bear in mind these boys are not you know they're not trained they've been smelling tunton tunton knickers for you know

eight months or something this is the height of Hitler's successes do you think well this bit and then Paris yeah

Paris is yeah yeah we'll always have Paris Hitler and Paris which you're not dealing with because this happens just after Dunkirk but I do

there is an element of melancholy when I watch the footage of Hitler of looking around Paris because he thinks it was a walking apart yeah and but that's also

it's like if we just stopped yeah we didn't go east we'd have Paris and that's a lovely day trip isn't it I think Paris

would be better. Once you've conquered Paris. Yeah. It's in all the sites. That's lovely. But I also just think... No tourists. I think Paris would be better if it was run by Nazis. You surprised me? Yeah. It's a toilet. Needs cleaning. A bit of bleach in there. Bit of Nazi bleach.

Adolf loved trout. I thought he was vegetarian. No, he liked a bit of trout as well, apparently. Trout. Yeah. I can't help his guts. A bit of farty trout. Bum's gone. No wonder his bum's gone. So the British are surrounded. Right.

there's a plan to retreat back to the port of Dunkirk and they're surrounded by fucked meth heads bear in mind Rommel right Rommel apparently loved crystal meth the tank commander So you know how it's called the Desert Fox Apparently Norman Euler The historian says he's actually called the Crystal Fox

Because that's how much he just smoked meth And it's crystal meth that field That's a slightly different to speed So I wonder if that's like a deal Crystal meth is like breaking bad Yeah yeah yeah That's like the itchy fucking... Yeah, no teeth.

Which really, it does sort of... The whole battle of El Alamai... Al-Alamime... If you reframe that as crystal meth versus autism, you can see why Monty wins, isn't it? An autistic man will always beat a guy on meth. Yeah. At a game of risk.

Rock paper scissors. Yeah, risk. Fuck it, you're playing... Taking meth and playing risk. That's the last thing. I did actually play drinking risk once. Yeah. where it's every time you take it every time you lose a territory you have to drink right every time you sign a treaty with someone you have to drink i think it ended up with someone doing a poo in a bath right because it's a long game yeah it was like it was like 10 hours yeah i think it ended with someone being so pissed and maybe they they maybe as part of a treaty they had to do a poo in a bath i don't know empty or full of water empty dry poo dry poo in a bath wow anyway um so romwell ronble's like well this is because because the the beth are surrounded but

by these farty-coki Nazis. It is sort of like, yeah, when you guys don't synchronize your drugs on a night out and someone's on a different hide to you. Yes. Someone's coming up before you. And it's like, this sucks. This really sucks. I feel more so than ever and you're like, man, I fucking love you.

It's like, I can see what you actually look like. Oh, yeah. So this is a bit later on. But the Nazis were so, the war machine was so dependent on drugs that they came up with this super soldier drug, which is this is in 44, which was you combine five milligrams of cocaine. 3 milligrams of methamphetamine and 5 milligrams of oxycodone or something. And what they did was they got Saxon-Hausen concentration camp, which outside Berlin, I've been to.

This is where a lot of the lab stuff is and fruity stuff, fruity stuff happening in that camp. They'd get prisoners to take this drug and then march in boots for like four days. So Jewish, Jewish. Yeah. And they were basically just testing the boots They didn't care about the prisoners It's like animal testing basically Has this dropping tests on animals? No, don't worry

It's been tested on Jews, fine Because Hitler would hate animal testing Of course he's a vegetarian He's a member of Peter He's an empath He loves Peter He's definitely not a member of Jeter Right, right

They were testing the shoes on Jewish people And they were getting them just so wide So they could just walk for like four days Was that part of the advertising of like the burkered stocks it's like these have been Jews tested yeah it's not been tested animals okay fine yeah so Percivin is the name of the drug pervetin sorry pervitin pervitin and it's a drug often lowered inhibition increased aggression and dulled empathy yeah so it basically is the reason for a lot of massacres which the first Nazi war crime happens in

this period and I don't know the exact date but it's a an SS unit and it's I think Rumbles may be involved there are on the western front yeah yeah this is as the as the Brits are retreating there's a corridor leading to Dunkirk this port city and Gort has this plan that if it all goes tits up we'll just go back to Dunkirk and so I don't know when this massacre happens but sit on the outside thing of a in a play so you can get off I'll see I'll see yeah on air India I'll see that one guy I'm out no it's not that it's in it's in 1940. I've been trying to find a war crime a Nazi war crime. Talk about a needle in the haystack.

The parody massacre? Yeah, that's it. So bear in mind, these Nazi soldiers are on Purvitin, which is lowering their inhibition, increasing their aggression, and dulling their empathy. Right. So you could say the whole Nazi thing it's like, you're not you when you're on drugs.

If you were to, if you were. But you not on drugs is a Nazi. Again, but You know, can you take the drugs out of the Nazi? You can't take the Nazi out of the drugs? And it's like, I've been sober for five days. You know, I still want to kill Jews. Yeah.

Right, okay, well, it wasn't the drugs then. Right, fine. But that's what we needed Nuremberg to find out. I'm an empath. So the first Nazi war crime, which kind of sets the tone for the war, is on 27th of May, 1940, in a little village called La Paradis, Paradise Village. Right. Again, Paradise, that is, I guess it depends on your perspective.

97 British soldiers from the Royal Norfolk They've surrendered after mounting a fierce defence Because there's not huge animosity between the two Britain and Germany At this stage, right? No. There's still respect to the two nations. Soldiers from the SS Division, Taughton cop, which means deadhead.

Which again is quite, you know, if you've got skulls on the badge. Are we the bad guys? Are we the bad guys? They surrender, they all line up and then they just all machine gun them against the barn wall. Right. And then finished off with bayonets.

And there are two survivors, private to Albert Polly and William O'Callaghan, and they play dead. And then they sort of, they fuck off eventually. Yeah, if you were lined up and shot against the war, you always think, whenever you see it in films, I don't know about you guys, but I'm always imagining how I'd try and get out of that. Yeah. You know, and it's just the, yeah, you'd collapse when it starts going and try and be as dead as possible. Before they, before they shut fire, I go, oh, yeah, yeah. And then you just. It's diving, isn't it?

It's diving. But, I mean, the worst thing that happens is you get yelled, you get sent off for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get a shot. Shot. Yeah. What you're going to do, kill me. Yeah. I'm already dead. I'm a big fart and see what, I'll see what happened.

Yeah. Blop! Blop! Oh, no. And they put the guns down. What are you hoping to happen with a big fart there, Finn? I don't know, but I'm backed into a corner. I don't think either of these are good solutions. I mean, you are, to be fair, you don't have many. There's no bad suggestions.

Anyway, the Brits are surrounded. the German meth war machine has got them on the ropes there's a war crime men from Norfolk what an innocent county that is have been shot by the SS Tortenkov who've lost all their empathy

who've lost all their empathy because they're on drugs they're not they're not themselves they're not their normal Nazi selves love of humanity empathetic selves yeah this is not you know it's not their fault what's going to happen

the Brits, to put it mildly, are in a bit of a pickle. In our next episode, we will deal with Britain's darkest hour. Churchill's bum nearly comes off. Terrifying. What could have happened? The last man in Britain with the bum left nearly loses it. Well, the last man in Britain with the bum left, please stand up. Please stand up.

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